Dan’s Depressing Birthday Surprise 🖤

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Dan’s Depressing Birthday Surprise 🖤
Date: June 15, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

Episode Overview

This jubilantly chaotic episode of HARD LAUNCH revolves around Dan's "depressing" birthday festivities, as Phil orchestrates a goth-inspired celebration complete with a black heart cake, tongue-in-cheek banter, and stories from their recent Portugal vacation with Phil's family. True to the podcast’s ethos, the duo overshare anecdotes both heartfelt and hilariously inappropriate, share updates from their listeners, and reflect on aging, partnerships, and niche European sauna etiquette. The tone is irreverent, flamboyant, and deeply self-aware—perfect for fans of Dan and Phil’s signature blend of playful darkness and vulnerability.

---

Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Dan's Gothic Birthday Bash

• Celebration & Cake Reveal

  • Phil surprises Dan with a fully black birthday cake:

    “I asked for a completely black heart cake, right?... They’ve made kind of a sexy boudoir ribbon. It is bondage cake.”
    — Phil (02:45)

  • Dan’s genuine reaction sets the mood with a blend of mock concern and appreciation:

    “Slice that heart right down the middle... This is so beautiful I don’t want to do it.”
    (03:08)

  • The aftermath has them sharing the cake while joking about the “rimming venom” effect on their tongues.

    "Phil, stick your tongue out. He's been rimming venom." — Dan (03:38)

• Birthday Reflection & Gift Anxiety

  • Dan laments how difficult he’s become to buy gifts for, and Phil admits he didn’t bring a present on the podcast.

    “What do you buy the man that doesn’t like stuff?” — Phil (33:48)

    • Phil’s excuse: “It’s so sentimental…fragile and sturdy at the same time.” (35:02)

---

2. Recent Holiday in Portugal

• Travel Mishaps and Family Dynamics

  • The pair detail their vacation with Phil’s family, including Phil’s mishap (injuring his eye while “escaping a hole”)—

    “Phil, you need to explain what type of hole you were in. I was inside a hole and not Tom Hardy.” — Dan (06:46)

  • Phil’s eye injury turns out to be a “subconjunctival hemorrhage,” commonly caused "by straining too hard" or being punched:

    “Straining so hard you can pop your own eyeballs out.” — Phil (07:58)

• Tourism Observations

  • The holiday destination is swarmed by British tourists, which they bemoan with characteristic self-deprecation:

    “God, we’re the worst tourists.” — Dan (09:54)

  • Stories about Phil’s “lads holiday,” and going to the same Irish bar every night for a friend’s romantic pursuit:

    “The girls hijacked the whole holiday saying we have to go there until one of us gets him. And then he went down on her in a car park.” — Dan (11:09)

• Sangria & Food Commentary

  • Both admit to drinking excessive sangria ("Sangria, Ribena for adults. Fruity drink for fruity people." — Dan, 09:06)
  • Rant about buffets—unsanitary impressions include kids touching desserts:

    “If I see a seven year old boy walk up to a communal bowl of rice and just stick his finger in it and then walk away, I’m gonna fucking cry.” — Dan (19:37)

---

3. Adventures in Wellness: Spa & Sauna Etiquette

• Awkward Couples Massage

  • A booking mix-up lands Dan and Phil in the "couple's sexy room" with unsexy disposable underwear and glaring lights:

    “It was graphic, it was medical, it was showing a lot.” — Dan (17:14)

  • Both struggle with awkwardness after sixteen years together:

    “Promise you won’t look... You’ve got to keep a slight air of mystery.” — Phil (17:02/17:09)

• Steam Room Encounter

  • Phil gets lightly "cruised" (or warned?) by a stranger in the sauna, leading to a debate over proper etiquette—nakedness versus towels, and the horror of “sweaty ass prints.”

    “When I see a sweaty ass print, it kind of puts me off.”— Phil (14:33)
    “That’s what the little shower nozzles are for in steam rooms!” — Dan (14:37)

---

4. Listener Interactions & Hard Launches

• Tattooed Dedication

  • Dan & Phil celebrate listener Reese, who got the official HARD LAUNCH logo tramp stamp after promising to on a previous episode:

    “Liv looks like they're really happy to be neighbors… There is inking. Reese is on the table. The logo is being penned.” — Dan (27:38)

  • Phil’s promise to reward such dedication (with limits!):

    “We'll hook you up with something. ...We are not giving everyone with a tattoo a free Patreon.” — Dan (28:03/28:04)

• Other Noteworthy ‘Hard Launches’

  • Listener Kendall: “I’ve taught my three-year-old nephew your catchphrases.” — (35:19)
  • Listener Alexa: England sounds like "purgatory," sparking a mock US-UK rivalry.

    “I think the worst kind of eternal punishment would be like, be sent to England.” — Alexa (36:40)

  • Listener with "The Susans": Their 60- and 70-year-old lesbian moms have separated; Dan & Phil send support and joke about building a new Susan supergroup. (38:05)

---

5. Absurd News & Curiosities

• Grandma’s Emotional Support Bomb

  • 87-year-old Dorothy with a WWII mortar shell in her garden:

    “People are against it. Oh, women can’t even have an emotional support bomb. What has the world come to?” — Dan (24:04)

• Corpse Bread

  • Scientists use 5,000-year-old Iceman yeast to make bread and (possibly) beer:

    “Would you eat the corpse bread? ...Imagine being able to tell your friends, I just drank from the corpse yeast.” — Dan & Phil (25:59/26:17)

• Superglue Catastrophe

  • A cautionary tale about a man fatally sealing his penis with superglue:

    “Guys, like, you should never come to this, okay? Just pull out and pray.” — Dan (24:24)

  • Phil sheepishly recalls unintentionally eating superglue as a child. (25:00)

---

6. Nostalgia, Partnership, and Playful Bickering

• Discussion on support within a relationship—when you should back your partner versus when it’s okay to “call them out.”

  “Let's talk about that. Are you being a good partner? Should you support them no matter what?” — Dan (12:41)

• Running gags about childhood theft, including Dan’s “reverse stealing” of a bubblegum, and Phil’s accidental postcard larceny:

  “Is it weirder to steal as a child or to un-steal something?” — Dan (32:27)

• Reflections on growing up, being “the dad” on family holidays, and their changing self-images:

  “We were two twinks on the beach, and now we're two bears together 16 years later.” — Phil (09:28) “No, I didn't think any of those thoughts, and I'm going to try to actively forget what I just heard.” — Dan (09:36)

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Gothic Cake Reveal

  • “It is bondage cake. Yeah. Put it in your mouth.” — Phil (02:50)
  • “Top 10 worst podcast starts ever and it’s on my birthday.” — Dan (04:04)

• Buffet Trauma

  • “If I see a seven year old boy walk up to a communal bowl of rice and just stick his finger in it and then walk away, I’m gonna fucking cry.” — Dan (19:37)

• Steam Room Etiquette

  • “When I see a sweaty ass print, it kind of puts me off.” — Phil (14:33)

• Listener Tattoo

  • “It’s a cool logo and it looks great above your crack.” — Dan (27:54)

• Childhood Theft Confession

  • “Is it weirder to steal as a child or to un-steal something?” — Dan (32:27)
  • “And I stole your heart.” — Phil (33:20)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:56 – 05:00: Birthday banter, goth cake, and venom jokes
• 06:11 – 13:00: Portugal trip stories, Phil’s eye injury, tales of buffets
• 13:06 – 18:00: Spa awkwardness, sauna etiquette
• 19:05 – 22:03: More on buffets, segue to merch and Shopify sponsor segment
• 22:44 – 26:05: Absurd news: Grandma’s bomb, corpse bread, and superglue mishaps
• 26:30 – 29:05: Listener Reese’s HARD LAUNCH tattoo; reactions and reward talk
• 35:19 – 39:15: Listener “hard launches”: catchphrase-cursing toddlers, US-UK rivalry, The Susans’ separation
• 30:24 – 34:50: Childhood theft confessions, relationships & family gift bickering
• 39:18 – End: Show wrap-up, Patreon tease, more cake and black tongue jokes

---

Final Thoughts

This episode captures the signature “unhinged and unafraid” energy of HARD LAUNCH. Through genuine oversharing, wry asides, and unfiltered listener participation, Dan and Phil transform everyday awkwardness into comedic gold—reminding fans that even a “depressing” birthday can be a (black-hearted) celebration of friendship, survival, and hard-won self-acceptance.

---

If you missed this episode, you’ll leave feeling:

• Amused by birthday goth chaos
• Vicariously full of sangria and cake
• (Un)inspired to try a couples massage
• Amazed at the devotion of HARD LAUNCH fans—and, hopefully, less likely to glue anything inappropriate shut

For more, or photos of Phil’s unhinged birthday tweets, check their Patreon.

Transcript

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[Phil Lester]

Happy hard Monday.

[Dan Howell]

Happy Hard Monday.

[Phil Lester]

Happy day to a very special boy. To my right. It's Dan's birthday. Hi. Kind of episode, not actually your birthday.

[Dan Howell]

Birthday week.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

As we've established, Phil likes to celebrate his birthday month. So I am allowed a few days. Cause I've been a good boy.

[Phil Lester]

Congratulations on being born.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you. I'm glad you're here and making it until now.

[Phil Lester]

Do you like my outfit? I've tried really hard for you, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

To all the Spotify people, this is a big day.

[Phil Lester]

I'm dressed completely in black.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Phillip's completely dressed in black.

[Phil Lester]

I look like my evil, evil twin. I look like Foal.

[Dan Howell]

Our amazing purple podcast set. We've made it completely white.

[Phil Lester]

It's quite clinical now.

[Dan Howell]

It's so sad and desaturated. It's like a morgue. I love it.

[Phil Lester]

Hard launch Hospital Simulator.

[Dan Howell]

That's a horror indie game. Isn't it just any of you trying to survive an hour in the male podcast basement.

[Phil Lester]

Well, the surprises aren't over yet. Even though there hasn't been a surprise yet.

[Dan Howell]

Stripper.

[Phil Lester]

Because I got you a cake without asking or consulting.

[Dan Howell]

I did not creatively direct this, so now I'm scared.

[Phil Lester]

I'm normally the guy that gets the funny cake. I get you a cake.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you think this is funny, do you?

[Phil Lester]

No, I think it's exciting.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I'm so scared.

[Phil Lester]

Close your eyes and open your mouth.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

Happy birthday to Dan. Open your eyes.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God.

[Ad/Other Voice]

It's a completely black cake.

[Phil Lester]

Blow it out and make A wish

[Ad/Other Voice]

with the flaming D. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Dan is on fire. What? Make a wish. Okay. Wait.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, wow. I'm still alive. Stop looking at me like I'm gonna choke. What? What was your real wish? Was it that we could grow old together till we're 997e?

[Dan Howell]

I'll just say yes. Phil, why the gothic ballerina cake?

[Phil Lester]

Look, I asked for a completely black heart cake, right?

[Dan Howell]

Yes. And that's very cute.

[Phil Lester]

They've made kind of a sexy boudoir ribbon. It is bondage cake. Yeah. Put it in your mouth.

[Dan Howell]

How do we slice this? On the arm of inflatable sofa.

[Phil Lester]

Just try your best.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what's inside the cake.

[Dan Howell]

Try your best. You're giving it to me. Thanks, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

I've got so much to work with.

[Phil Lester]

Slice that heart right down the middle.

[Dan Howell]

This is so beautiful. I don't want to do it. Oh, that ribbon needs to get pulled out of the cage.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think we can eat the ribbon.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. Oh, here we go.

[Phil Lester]

Wow, she's a creamy one.

[Dan Howell]

All right, I'm gonna eat this later. Phil. Fucking ruined it. Three, two, one.

[Phil Lester]

We had a cake break. We devoured that cake.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, stick your tongue out. He's been rimming venom.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Dan. One second into the podcast, you say, I've been rimming venom.

[Dan Howell]

It really looks like it. How are my lips?

[Phil Lester]

Black.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Tom Hardy.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. What did you see? I can't say that.

[Dan Howell]

What? Well, you have to now.

[Phil Lester]

Tom Hardy's old MySpace pictures got a back arch.

[Dan Howell]

I already knew that. That's old tea. That's.

[Phil Lester]

It's in the bank.

[Dan Howell]

Top 10 worst podcast starts ever and it's on my birthday.

[Phil Lester]

Happy birthday.

[Dan Howell]

Did you miss us? Happy hard Monday. Gone for one week because we were celebrating Phil's mum's birthday.

[Phil Lester]

So many birthdays in this world.

[Dan Howell]

What's up with all these fucking people living?

[Phil Lester]

Calm down. Being born.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I know. Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Did you miss us, everyone? I missed us.

[Dan Howell]

It's a one way conversation. That's a devastating thing to ask.

[Phil Lester]

No, I can hear them in my mind going, yay.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Yeah. I missed you so much.

[Dan Howell]

Wherever they're listening on the bus.

[Phil Lester]

We're so hard now.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God. It was like a semi when you weren't here. And now we're full masked. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I love that you stuck a balloon to the lava lamp.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

It's just gonna explode at any moment.

[Phil Lester]

If there's a loud bang, it's because

[Dan Howell]

Phil's BBL has finally Popped.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Oh, my.

[Dan Howell]

I told him not to do it. We went to Portugal for his mom's

[Phil Lester]

birthday and I got all that jelly right in my belly. Belly what? The belly of my ass.

[Dan Howell]

You know that. You know, to be funny on a podcast, you should have a yes and attitude. Every fiber of my brain was squirming.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, stop.

[Dan Howell]

Don't. Continue the joke. End the joke.

[Phil Lester]

End the joke.

[Dan Howell]

Say nothing. So, yeah, we're back.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry, I'm opening my hips. I'm feeling stiff today.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Context. Phil did a lot of physical activity.

[Phil Lester]

We had a mystery photo shoot for a thing.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that is scary, isn't it? Dan and Phil did a photo shoot. What are they plotting?

[Phil Lester]

And I had to be in positions. Being a model is hard.

[Dan Howell]

Now you're scaring them even more. Jesus. Okay, don't get your hopes up if you're going down that. But yeah, you know what? Being a model, holding strange poses for uncomfortable lengths of time, it does get your flexors working in odd ways.

[Phil Lester]

I was bending, I was flexing all over the shop.

[Dan Howell]

Who needs a gym when you could literally just fucking stand there?

[Phil Lester]

We were touching. Something hard is coming.

[Dan Howell]

And if the vagueness didn't scare you enough, this is something that you want to be alert for. So we're going to be announcing something soon, and if you want to be the first people to know before anyone else, you should click the link that's

[Phil Lester]

in the description, the mysterious L, or

[Dan Howell]

scan this QR code. However you do that, you're probably watching this on your phone. What's up with that? People are like, scan this QR code. I'm watching it on my phone.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. You gotta, like, screenshot it and tap

[Dan Howell]

it in Mum's phone.

[Phil Lester]

Just tap the link and you'll be the first to know.

[Dan Howell]

Email, text, Instagram. Let me slide in there.

[Phil Lester]

About.

[Dan Howell]

Is coming.

[Phil Lester]

If you're against it, which we don't

[Dan Howell]

want anyone to, we want them to be very for it.

[Phil Lester]

What happened in the world of Dan and Phil since we left? We're about to go on holiday. I. I got into a hole and I was pulling myself out of the hole.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you need to explain what type of hole you were in. I was inside a hole and not Tom Hardy. Phil put his entire body into a hole.

[Phil Lester]

I think it's funnier if you don't know why I was in a hole. I was in a hole and I was pulling my body out of it. And apparently because I don't do any exercise, I felt something Pop.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's never lifted much, including his own body weight, other than standing and sitting. So Phil trying to hoist himself out of a area hatch. Out of a hatch.

[Phil Lester]

It was a hatch.

[Dan Howell]

Phil exerted himself physically in a way that he hasn't for a very long time.

[Phil Lester]

This is kind of gross. I looked in the mirror and I popped something in my eye and it was all blood in my eye.

[Dan Howell]

His eye was completely red. And I just thought, I cannot fucking go to the hospital for Phil again.

[Phil Lester]

No, we've got stuff to do, thankfully.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Fuck.

[Phil Lester]

My friend is an optician. So I was like, hey, bro, do you want to look in my eye?

[Dan Howell]

I'll give you nothing.

[Phil Lester]

20 quid.

[Dan Howell]

You just said, I want to steal your time as a medical professional. He went into all of that student debt, and you said, give me your time.

[Phil Lester]

I got the full treatment. And he said, it's very common. It's called a subconjunctival hemorrhage. Do you know what's the most common way of this happening?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God.

[Phil Lester]

What? Having a poo too hard, girl.

[Dan Howell]

Strain.

[Phil Lester]

Straining so hard you can pop your own eyeballs out.

[Dan Howell]

In life, ladies, if you ever have to strain so hard, just don't. Unless you're giving birth, in which case, I guess that's kind of the whole point.

[Phil Lester]

Push your eyeballs out. Also, the other most common way is if you get punched in the face. So we're gonna go with.

[Dan Howell]

Philly was in a fight. He was down at the spoons. He heard someone saying something bad during pride month, and Phil bopped him in the schnoz.

[Phil Lester]

Don't say that about gays.

[Dan Howell]

Bam. Said the gayest fucking person in the gayest way ever.

[Phil Lester]

Boff.

[Dan Howell]

How would you describe the punch that you threw to the people listening?

[Phil Lester]

It was kind of weak. Weak armed?

[Dan Howell]

Weak wristed like a praying mantis.

[Phil Lester]

So the whole holiday, I looked like I had been in a fight. So people were avoiding me on the beach because they thought I was hard.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. Hard Monday, not on the beach. So the reason why we didn't take loads of holiday photos were, one, we were having a nice time and we forgot. Two, Phil looked like he'd been in a fight, and three, we drank so much sangria that we didn't really remember.

[Phil Lester]

We drank so much sangria. We had red, we had white, we had rose, and we had pineapple.

[Dan Howell]

Passion fruit.

[Phil Lester]

Passion fruit. That's the fruit, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Porn star martini flavor. Oh, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That was a good one, wasn't it?

[Dan Howell]

It was cheeky. Porn star martini.

[Phil Lester]

I Get so drunk off sangria. What did they put in that wine?

[Dan Howell]

That's what it is. It is an alcoholic beverage, but it tastes like ripe Ribena. Sangria. Ribena for adults. Fruity drink for fruity people. I think I drank about 10 liters of sangria last week.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like it's inside my bloodstream. What did you feel about going back to Portugal for the first time since our little first ever holiday?

[Dan Howell]

First ever cafe holiday?

[Phil Lester]

Emotional, like, remember this? We were two twinks on the beach, and now we're two bears together 16 years later.

[Dan Howell]

No, I didn't think any of those thoughts. And I'm gonna try to actively forget what I just heard.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. We can be otters.

[Dan Howell]

No, it was nice. Best thing about Portugal, Quick to fly to really hot Same time zone.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Worst thing about Portugal, Loads of other British people have the same thought, and it's full of fucking British people.

[Phil Lester]

It was very British.

[Dan Howell]

God, we're the worst tourists.

[Phil Lester]

Tracy, get me the sun cream. Barry.

[Dan Howell]

Barry, stop. Oh, my God. He's gonna fight. Yeah. That's not ambiance. It's not relaxing.

[Phil Lester]

It was not that relaxing.

[Dan Howell]

We went to the town of Albufeira, and you know when they have London underground themed bars?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

It gave me flashbacks, though, Deportallenglishpeople. Because I went there with my friends for my first, like, friend group holiday when we were 18.

[Dan Howell]

You went on a lads holiday to Portugal?

[Phil Lester]

Lads, lads, lads.

[Dan Howell]

I went on one to Ayia Napa.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Messy times. And we saw straight sad times.

[Phil Lester]

We saw the Irish bar that I went to with my friends every single night of the holiday.

[Ad/Other Voice]

You went on a holiday to Portugal

[Dan Howell]

and your friends went to an Irish bar? This is why we need to killallbritish people.

[Phil Lester]

I know. It was so annoying. I wanted to go to all the cool cocktail bars. No, we had to go to this Irish bar.

[Dan Howell]

There was sangria in a pitcher waiting for you somewhere along the strip, and you went to the Irish bar.

[Phil Lester]

I could have been on a beach cabana with Kevin.

[Dan Howell]

Kevin. Carlos.

[Phil Lester]

Phil. Oh, Carlos.

[Dan Howell]

Hello. Get some flavor.

[Phil Lester]

But we had to go to this Irish bar because one of my friends wanted to have sex with Declan, the singer.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. They had a fucking hot guy playing the guitar at the Irish bar.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So then the girls hijacked the whole holiday, saying we have to go there until one of us gets him.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And then he went down on her in a car park.

[Dan Howell]

Worth it. Fuck. Hello. Wait, wait.

[Phil Lester]

Toot, toot. Have you got that sound effect right? Behind the bins.

[Dan Howell]

So Phil did not get to appreciate the flavors or the culture of Portugal.

[Phil Lester]

I wish I got to experience Declan.

[Dan Howell]

Friends. Fucking got in there with Declan.

[Phil Lester]

I would have been in the car park bin straight away.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Did she have a black tongue the next day?

[Phil Lester]

Too much.

[Ad/Other Voice]

I don't know what that means.

[Phil Lester]

What does that mean?

[Ad/Other Voice]

Sometimes I just say everything.

[Phil Lester]

Why are you doing an Italian accent? You're making it worse.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Because I am embarrassed about what I'm saying.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

Is that offensive? I don't think I can offend Italian. You can't offend Italians Sound off in the comments. No, but, Phil, you did say at some point that you are the dad now. Not just in the we used to be things, now we're bears sense.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Which we're not.

[Phil Lester]

It was so strange. I was in charge of everything. Like I had ultimate power over everyone.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, don't make it sound like it goes to your head at all.

[Phil Lester]

That sounded weird. It's just strange because I'm used to just following my parents around, being like, tell me what to do.

[Dan Howell]

And now I switch has happened.

[Phil Lester]

I've got to tell them what to parenting the parents.

[Dan Howell]

You've realized you can do it better than them.

[Phil Lester]

Come on.

[Dan Howell]

Which obviously means that I actually did all of the research and I made Phil communicate it.

[Phil Lester]

So Dan was the secret dad, the absent father from afar, yet the one

[Dan Howell]

that's paying all the child support and actually actively thought of everything that makes the children's lives more fulfilling.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. You're very welcome. And whenever Phil had a disagreement with his family, I just had to not take sides. Where we were going for dinner later, uh, oh, there's a problem. And I'd just be like, I'm here to put on my sunglasses and pretend to read.

[Phil Lester]

You're meant to be on my side

[Dan Howell]

even when you're wrong.

[Phil Lester]

I am your fuzzband.

[Dan Howell]

Let's talk about that. Are you being a good partner? Should you support them no matter what?

[Phil Lester]

No, I think you should call them out in front of their parents. I think it's fine.

[Dan Howell]

There's certain people that you have to take their side with no matter what, in front of. And there's certain friends or family members where you're allowed to be honest with them in the moment.

[Phil Lester]

And that's true. And I was right all the time. So it didn't apply on this holiday.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, of course. But we did have a relaxing time other than drinking. We went to the spa.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, we went to the spa. Sauna, steam room situation.

[Dan Howell]

It Was supposed to be. Don't say there was. Steam room situation.

[Phil Lester]

There was a situation.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, there actually was.

[Phil Lester]

There was a situation.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. There was a steam room situation with a man.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. We went in the steam room airing out our paws. What do you do in there?

[Dan Howell]

You open up your paws to let the herbal steam in.

[Phil Lester]

Open your legs.

[Dan Howell]

Don't open your paws.

[Phil Lester]

Anyway, a man sat next to us and was right next to me, ass out on the marble. And he started talking to me and I think it was German, but I don't know if it was maybe Russian.

[Dan Howell]

He assumed that you were not English.

[Phil Lester]

Do I give off a non English vibe?

[Dan Howell]

Wait, what was that? The face of a Scandinavian person? Maybe. Yeah, Phil was just like, let me just sit. Like a cool Norwegian guy. I am blonde to the listeners. He's trying to sit up straight, but he looks a bit like a meerkat that just shit itself.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks. Yeah, the man spoke for like a full minute in a foreign language.

[Dan Howell]

And because me and Phil are so fucking awkward, we didn't say anything. We didn't say, oh, sorry, we don't say speak that.

[Phil Lester]

I just went, haha, yeah. And then he started doing it again.

[Dan Howell]

And then I just said to Phil, oh, sorry, should we. Are we done? Secret sauna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we ran.

[Phil Lester]

The strange thing was, as I was leaving, he kind of gave me a little slap on the hand. I don't know if that was a sign or a code.

[Dan Howell]

You either got cruised or you got told off.

[Phil Lester]

I wouldn't want to be cruised by him, to be honest.

[Dan Howell]

Wow.

[Quaker Sponsor]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

Was he not your type?

[Phil Lester]

When I see a sweaty ass print, it kind of puts me off.

[Dan Howell]

That's what the little shower nozzles are for. In steam rooms, though, you leave the sweaty ass print on the marble and then you're supposed to clean it after yourself.

[Phil Lester]

I think what you're meant to do is use a towel, Carlos.

[Dan Howell]

Actually, Phil, bringing linens from outside destroys the sanctity of the sauna. You're supposed to be naked.

[Phil Lester]

All right, sauna expert, that's what they call.

[Dan Howell]

You have a towel in the sauna.

[Phil Lester]

Soho.

[Dan Howell]

You put your bare cheeks on the slab in the steam room and then you wash it off afterwards.

[Phil Lester]

Rinse down your slab grease.

[Dan Howell]

Really? That's the moral of the story. We had a couple's massage, but we didn't know it was until we got there.

[Phil Lester]

We got another Mr. And Mr. Lester, which shows that I have the superior last name. They knew it was a howl and a Lester in the mix.

[Dan Howell]

It was the Lester family holiday. So everyone was a Lester. Yeah, my name wasn't on anything.

[Phil Lester]

Fine.

[Dan Howell]

So we were assumed to be Mr. And Mr. Lester. Yeah, it was actually supposed to be your mom's birthday treat. We booked her a massage and then I went, I deserve a massage. Then we totally crashed her thing by booking things. Three massages at the same time.

[Phil Lester]

But then we got to go with her. But then she got to her own room and we got the couple's sexy

[Dan Howell]

room, which was very unsexy disposable underwear

[Phil Lester]

and very bright lights. I was like, I don't need to be seeing all this in this ASDA lighting.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well when you're talking the I am the this in the room. Can you shut up and rephrase that?

[Phil Lester]

No. Thankfully, in those kind of situations, I've got my glasses off, so everything's a blurry dream to me.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I think we did have a bit of a no homo situation there. Because if you don't know when you get a massage, you should be as naked as possible. People need to access the areas cracks, but it's professional to be given sometimes a pair of disposable underwear so that you're basically wearing a G string and they can get up in the business without accidentally sticking a finger up somewhere. Which is good for everybody involved.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

But I think the act of putting on a saggy pair of paper underwear.

[Phil Lester]

Carefully, the word saggy is maybe the

[Dan Howell]

least sexy thing in the entire world.

[Phil Lester]

Not very sexy.

[Dan Howell]

So despite it being just me and Phil in the room, when they were like, okay, we're gonn now please put on the disposable underwear and lay on the towels, we just looked at each other like, wow, this is really awkward. We're gonna both have to get naked. And there's something about this paper underwear that's just really fucking disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

It was very medical.

[Dan Howell]

And so we both were like, okay, are you gonna turn around? Are you.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Don't turn around.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, don't look.

[Ad/Other Voice]

You don't look.

[Dan Howell]

And it's like, okay. So here we are, 16 years, we're in the couples massage room and we're

[Ad/Other Voice]

both going, don't look, I'm bending over.

[Dan Howell]

Ah, is yours on? I mean, let me just glump on this slab with my cheeks out. But promise you won't look.

[Phil Lester]

You've got to keep a slight air of mystery. Also, my paper underwear was an extra small. I was like, what are you trying to say?

[Dan Howell]

It was graphic, it was medical, it

[Phil Lester]

was showing a lot.

[Dan Howell]

It Was way too bright because they hadn't put it into nice relaxing moments.

[Phil Lester]

They needed to sex up that room. It was very, very.

[Dan Howell]

They needed to fill it with steam and only light it with candles.

[Phil Lester]

Then I'd be like, I agree. Whip it all off, lads.

[Dan Howell]

This is a professional environment. Phil, we did have a nice time, though.

[Phil Lester]

We did. I have not tanned as per usual. But you're quite golden.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God you didn't tan. Because you don't tan. You just set on fire and die.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Another thing I noticed, far less breasts on show in Portugal. Beaches.

[Dan Howell]

Back in my day, tits galore, you

[Phil Lester]

used to go to the beach and everyone have their boobs out. Maybe some bums.

[Dan Howell]

European.

[Phil Lester]

What's happening to the European? Free the nipple. Are we being infiltrated by the puritan culture? Hiding the boob.

[Dan Howell]

We're censoring on TikTok and now there's no European titties on the beach.

[Phil Lester]

As I said it should be.

[Dan Howell]

We're sliding.

[Phil Lester]

It should be nipples for everyone.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Men nipples. Sacks out on the beach.

[Phil Lester]

Sacks out, ass out.

[Dan Howell]

That's Gran Canaria.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We'll go there next time.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

Not with your family. That'd be a bit weird.

[Phil Lester]

That would be a bit weird.

[Dan Howell]

I think maybe it's too many British people are getting rid of the Europeans that are more comfortable with their naked bodies.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they're all British. Get out. Also, there's something quite specific to Portugal. It's all of the souvenirs have got massive boobs everywhere. Like women mugs. Yeah, women jugs.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Phil, boobs are called jugs, not mugs.

[Phil Lester]

I remember being a little gay and being like, oh, look at all these boobies. Albufeira. Souvenirs I can't get.

[Dan Howell]

It doesn't appeal to me. Although you could get them. I feel authentic.

[Phil Lester]

My inner twink. And I got the gayest thing I could find.

[Dan Howell]

This is the only memorabilia that we have from this vacation.

[Phil Lester]

The sexy Portugal man bottle opener.

[Dan Howell]

For the listeners, it is what appears to be a very pasty brown haired guy, buff, wearing a Portuguese flag Speedo.

[Phil Lester]

He's very buff. There's not much bulge.

[Dan Howell]

He's English for sure. That's an annoying tourist wearing a Portuguese flag Speedo. But we love that. For him there's nothing.

[Phil Lester]

Magnet.

[Dan Howell]

Did you just try to magnetize the inflatable plastic chair?

[Phil Lester]

I thought it would get through the legs.

[Dan Howell]

You're just gonna have to put him back in your pocket.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. He likes being in my pocket. So that was our holiday.

[Dan Howell]

Adventure buffets.

[Phil Lester]

What about Buffets.

[Dan Howell]

We went to a restaurant and then they were like, oh, tonight it's the buffet. Sorry, didn't we say that on the website?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I hate that.

[Dan Howell]

Hot takes. Phil, buffets, are they overrated or underrated?

[Phil Lester]

They are overrated. I mean, I like being able to choose lots of food, but then it kind of gives me the ick that they've just been like laying out for and everyone's been touching them with their greasy fingers.

[Dan Howell]

If I see a seven year old boy walk up to a communal bowl of rice and just stick his finger in it and then walk away, I'm gonna fucking cry.

[Phil Lester]

It's not just that, it's just the breath. Everyone's breathing on everything.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone's like, let me look at these tarts. Oh, no, I don't want one actually. And then I'm stood there with my plate and I'm like, neither do I.

[Phil Lester]

The last straw of this was I saw this teenage boy just fingering every single lemon cake before he picked up the one he wanted. I was like, I don't wanna eat

[Dan Howell]

your giving one a squeeze.

[Phil Lester]

Hand grease.

[Dan Howell]

No, absolutely not.

[Phil Lester]

So overall, I feel like I don't want to go to the buffet value.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, sure, you can stack seven plates on top of each other and go absolutely wild.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

But in terms of cleanliness, it is a bit of a freak for me. I'm sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dan Howell]

Trauma.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. Spray it all with Dettol. But wait, have you ever dreamed of opening a shop?

[Dan Howell]

Well, I know someone who has, Richard,

[Phil Lester]

who dreamed of opening a Ball Emporium.

[Dan Howell]

You know what, Phil? We're not gonna workshop Richard Ball Emporium right now.

[Additional Voice]

Fine.

[Phil Lester]

We have thank you to the sponsor of today, it's Shopify, who make it

[Dan Howell]

so easy that even Dan and Phil can do it.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, I need my sound.

[Dan Howell]

And now I will do my sound. Why does that not work?

[Phil Lester]

We've been using it for over 10 years to give you all of your beautiful merches.

[Dan Howell]

Such as the recent photo cards which people enjoyed.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Did you know we took this in an actual photo booth? And there's so many ones that we never showed the world. Sweet shirts.

[Dan Howell]

We exclusive bloopers right now.

[Phil Lester]

Here's a blooper.

[Dan Howell]

First up, I'd like to share Dan tugging his own mullet.

[Phil Lester]

What is that? Ayo?

[Dan Howell]

We thought that was maybe a bit questionable. We said no to that one.

[Phil Lester]

This one was mainly too much plant.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I was like, if someone gets that there's no Phil content. And then this one, Phil, you didn't tell Me? You were gonna bring the cardboard cutout of Josh Hutcheson.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, maybe he could have been involved.

[Dan Howell]

There's a challenge that people want us to try and uphold. So we're not gonna talk about that. That didn't make it into the pack.

[Phil Lester]

Well, in case you accidentally leak your own mullet plugging on a shop.

[Dan Howell]

That could happen to anyone in E Commerce.

[Phil Lester]

Shopify's got 247 in case you need any help.

[Dan Howell]

If you forgot his password.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, I may have forgotten my password that one time. But lots of people forget things like their credit card information or their shipping address.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God for the big purple shop pay button that remembers it all for you.

[Phil Lester]

You can just whack that on your shop.

[Dan Howell]

Say if we could do Dan and Phil shop, you could open your own thriving ball emporium.

[Phil Lester]

It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify. Today.

[Dan Howell]

You can sign up for a $1 per month trial today at shopify.com shop. Dan and Phil go to shopify.com.

[Phil Lester]

dan and Phil.

[Dan Howell]

That's shopify.com.

[Phil Lester]

dan and phil. God.

[Dan Howell]

Don't do it. End it. There you go.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Priceline Sponsor]

Bonjour, compadre.

[Ad/Other Voice]

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[Priceline Sponsor]

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[Ad/Other Voice]

Priceline.

[Phil Lester]

And there we go. That was our holiday adventure. And you know what is more of an adventure? Well, my thing.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Boop.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, we've ruined the clinical lighting now.

[Dan Howell]

But we loved it while it was here.

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. Grandma's garden is da bomb.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

87 year old Dorothy from Norfolk has a World War II mortar shell in her garden that she has played with since she was a child.

[Dan Howell]

Until her narc gardener saw it and was like, oh, a bomb. Guess I should call the cops. And they had to evacuate the street.

[Phil Lester]

Why is she playing with a bomb?

[Dan Howell]

We need to see her.

[Additional Voice]

Where did you get that from? Is it all right? Yeah, go on. I said, all right. You know, I used to play about with and was that. Didn't anyone come round?

[Dan Howell]

As I was clearing this area, I've seen almost what looks like A mortar stood up Ewan terrified human being was a fuss over nothing.

[Additional Voice]

Was she playing cricket with it? My friend about it and he said, oh, you're forming the police. You say, I didn't know if you and her. But I say, of course I did. I stood up. The shed has been there for years.

[Dan Howell]

What a fucking icon.

[Phil Lester]

I'm glad grandma didn't explode. And this is a happy. Here's the thing.

[Dan Howell]

Well, people can't decide whether they're relieved or if they're sad for her that the cops confiscated the bomb.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, she liked playing with her bomb. Just let her have it.

[Dan Howell]

People are against it. Oh, women can't even have an emotional support bomb. What has the world come to?

[Phil Lester]

You thought eating glue was silly, Dan? Don't put it on your willy. And man actually died.

[Dan Howell]

It's not funny, Phil. No, it's not funny.

[Phil Lester]

He put superglue on his penis when he couldn't find a condom and caused multiple organs.

[Dan Howell]

Guys like you should never come to this, okay? Just pull out and pray.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so confused.

[Dan Howell]

Or you know what? Just be gay and then you don't need to worry about gluing the tip shut.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, so what? I mean, people said that I don't

[Dan Howell]

have a baby super glue. Maybe he was just trying to open the superglue with his penis and then it accidentally squirted out and sealed the whole shut.

[Phil Lester]

I'm assuming that like glued his pee stream clothes.

[Dan Howell]

And it's toxic and it will cause lots of. You're just not supposed to do that. I don't know if we needed to say this as a psa, but in case anyone here was listening. Don't.

[Phil Lester]

Don't do that.

[Dan Howell]

And don't you feel better about yourself now, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

No, I feel traumatized for both of us. Okay, if you don't know what Dan's referring to. I did eat super glue once accidentally, and it was scary.

[Dan Howell]

I love having to bring that up.

[Phil Lester]

We shouldn't laugh about it.

[Dan Howell]

I think we should take every opportunity to remind all people in case there's any. Is anyone listening that doesn't know that Phil did in fact eat super glue once?

[Phil Lester]

Well, see, it could have been worse. I could have dipped my knob in it. Well, dipped in the jar. Okay, Corpse bread is coming to a shelf near you. Yep. The team from the Institute of Mummy Studies.

[Dan Howell]

Oh yeah, that's a real thing.

[Phil Lester]

Took a yeast sample from 5000 year old Otzi the Iceman and made bread with it.

[Dan Howell]

We made some really good dough with it, said microbiologist Mohammed Saran. Why? What the fuck? Who is funding the Institute of Mummy Studies where they have a 5,000 year old preserved iceman? And they're like, yeah, I'm making bread from his corpse yeast.

[Phil Lester]

Would you eat the corpse bread?

[Ad/Other Voice]

This is how the apocalypse happens.

[Phil Lester]

Or it could give you some superpower.

[Ad/Other Voice]

It's not worth the risk.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Have you ever seen a movie?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Ad/Other Voice]

I don't know. Fucking win.

[Phil Lester]

It sounded like you've eaten the corpse bread.

[Dan Howell]

They said they're gonna try making beer with it next. Ooh, stop.

[Phil Lester]

I'd have a glass of that.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Getting lashed on the corpse beer.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, imagine being able to tell your friends, I just drank from the corpse yeast.

[Dan Howell]

No. Wonderful. All right. Three, two, one.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Ooh.

[Dan Howell]

But, Phil, before we completely depart.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

There is some news here.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

On an old podcast episode, we joked about the tramp stamp.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yes.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember our caller?

[Phil Lester]

And I got the hard launch tramp stamp. There it is.

[Dan Howell]

Ah, yeah. Phil, isn't that sexy? Yeah. Well, look what I stumbled across on TikTok earlier.

[Phil Lester]

They didn't. No.

[Listener 1]

Hi, my name is Liv.

[Listener 2]

And I'm Reese.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Davis. It's like Davis reference.

[Dan Howell]

It was.

[Listener 1]

And I'm a tattoo apprentice based in Cincinnati, Ohio. Uh.

[Priceline Sponsor]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Listener 2]

And I'm Reese.

[Dan Howell]

Reese.

[Additional Voice]

Reese.

[Listener 2]

I was featured on the Dan and Phil Hard Launch podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember this?

[Listener 2]

I was the one who said I would get the Hard launch tramp stamp. Here is my poof. Hi, my name is Reece.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh.

[Listener 2]

Ohio in the US My hard launch is that if you accept this proposal and allow me to and tell me to, I will get the hard launch logo as a tramp stamp.

[Listener 1]

And I'm gonna be the one tattooing.

[Phil Lester]

You're actually doing it.

[Dan Howell]

And Liv looks like they're really happy to be neighbors.

[Phil Lester]

They're actually getting the tattoo as a trampler.

[Dan Howell]

There is inking. Reese is on the table. The logo is being penned.

[Phil Lester]

It's actually happened, Reese.

[Listener 1]

Subscribe to Dan and Phil. Listen to Hard Launch.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Reese, that is absolutely incredible.

[Dan Howell]

That looks really fucking cool.

[Phil Lester]

It looks so cool.

[Dan Howell]

It's a cool logo and it looks great above your crack.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like we need to give you, like, a year of free Patreon or something.

[Dan Howell]

We'll hook you up.

[Phil Lester]

We'll hook you up with something.

[Dan Howell]

We'll send you an email not to say that we are gonna give a year of free Dan and Phil Patreon to everybody who gets a tattoo. Cause someone's gonna know. A friend That'll do something for cheap on the side. And then we're gonna have a little loophole here.

[Phil Lester]

I was not expecting that to happen.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, our influence, the impact of our mail podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, nice one, bro Fisted.

[Quaker Sponsor Voice]

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[Phil Lester]

Let's go.

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[Dan Howell]

Richard.

[Phil Lester]

It's a birthday, Richard. For a birthday lad with two little

[Dan Howell]

floppy black balloons as ears taped to Richard's head.

[Phil Lester]

It's an improvement. Do you want to spin it? Birthday spin?

[Dan Howell]

No, for my birthday. I don't want to stand up, Spinela.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

No. Obscure Formula one memes, okay? Claire, can you say Spinella? What is that? Is that a rude word? For my birthday? I get to reference obscure.

[Phil Lester]

No one knows what you're talking about. It's a pink ball.

[Dan Howell]

Crack it open, lads. We should have gotten a clear ball for my birthday. Just stuck two clear ends together.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, we should have.

[Dan Howell]

You really fucked it, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

If you're wondering, I got black fingernails. It's icing. I'm not a dirty scoundrel.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's been lifting himself out of holes. Pits, hatches.

[Phil Lester]

Have you ever stolen something? Thief?

[Dan Howell]

I was gonna say something about where you stuck your thumb that made your thumbnails black.

[Phil Lester]

So not Venom's bussy.

[Dan Howell]

You don't need to say other things.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone knew what you were gonna say.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Yeah, but it's a funny and it's a classier if you don't just say the thing.

[Phil Lester]

No one's thinking about Venom anymore.

[Ad/Other Voice]

You let it hang in the mine.

[Phil Lester]

It's no longer relevant.

[Dan Howell]

Mamma mia.

[Phil Lester]

Mamma mia.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I have stolen. When I was 12.

[Phil Lester]

Please.

[Dan Howell]

What's the statute of limitations on the smallest possible theft?

[Phil Lester]

Theft is forever.

[Dan Howell]

I stole from a corner shop when I was 12. But peer pressure of all the fucking times for you to call someone and you're actually calling the cops. Oh, yeah, you were gonna call the army, the lifeguard, the euthanasia clinic, all of them. Okay. I was 12, and I had a bad school friend.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I hate that friend.

[Dan Howell]

And the school friend was like, you can just pick up sweets and stuff them in your pocket if he's not looking.

[Ad/Other Voice]

And I was like, but that's bad.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

And so he went, you see these gumballs? 50p for one massive piece of bubble gum. And these bubble gums, they were the fucking shit. They were thick. They had, like, goo on the inside.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And you know, usually with bubble gum, you have to have half an entire box to get enough in your mouth to actually blow something big.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

These 50p bubble gums, you'd chew one flavor sensation. E numbers up the wazoo. Massive bubble.

[Phil Lester]

I want that.

[Dan Howell]

Expensive though, right?

[Phil Lester]

Steal one for me.

[Dan Howell]

And so I was like, I guess I need to do it, otherwise I'm not gonna be cool. I put one in my pocket and I walked out. I went home. We parted ways. And that thing was like the beating fucking telltale heart. I freaked the shit prison for 12 hours. And you know what I did?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

The next day, I reverse stole it.

[Phil Lester]

That's even worse.

[Dan Howell]

I went back to the corner store and because I was like, I'm going down. I'm going to juvie. I'm going to hell.

[Phil Lester]

Federal prison.

[Dan Howell]

I waited until the guy wasn't looking and I put it back in the jar. And then I ran away.

[Phil Lester]

Now someone's got a gumball in their mouth full of your pocket lint.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, completely.

[Phil Lester]

So you actually sabotaged their snack?

[Dan Howell]

Is it weirder to steal as a child or to un. Steal something?

[Phil Lester]

No, that shows you've got a conscience. I like that.

[Dan Howell]

I have a moral compass. Yeah, maybe. In terms of global priorities, very performative. It's like, okay, sure. But also, wow, you felt so strongly about it that you unstole it. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I've only ever stolen by accident, which is, you know, you put something in your pocket or you just walk out of a shop not realizing it's going on.

[Dan Howell]

Please tell us what you have accidentally stolen.

[Phil Lester]

I stole a postcard in John O Groats, Scotland. By accident.

[Dan Howell]

How the fuck do you put a postcard on your pocket?

[Phil Lester]

No, I was just holding it in my hand and then I walked out of the shop.

[Dan Howell]

You nonchalant bastard.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You're playing the long game. You're out here trying to convince everybody that you've got no brain cells. You're actually sneaking shit left, right and center.

[Phil Lester]

I've also downloaded a car a couple of times. That's a reference to piracy.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sure. If you don't know, then you're just really fucking confused, aren't you? Okay, okay.

[Phil Lester]

And I stole your heart.

[Dan Howell]

He actually just threw the fucking ball and it nearly hit me in the eye.

[Phil Lester]

Birthday lumps. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want you to give me birthday lumps.

[Phil Lester]

Cock, goose or feather.

[Dan Howell]

We have stolen the time, the sanity and the innocence of everybody listening to our mail podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't know what to get you for your birthday this year. You've officially turned into someone that is hard to buy presents.

[Dan Howell]

What do you buy the men that doesn't like stuff.

[Phil Lester]

It'd be like fun to get you like, I don't know, a Switch game. But now it's all downloaded. You've already got all the ones you want.

[Dan Howell]

Don't give me physical media. Says guy who's gonna lose everything when the great merger of all content gets owned by Disney. I can't increase the subscription price by 200% and then no one owns anything.

[Phil Lester]

I can't buy you fashion because you're so picky. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Dear God, don't do that. And my mum will be like, oh, I know it's your birthday. I wanted to surprise you. I got you a funky laugh.

[Phil Lester]

No, exactly. And then every other God don't surprise me. Every other relative gets you like a sea of Maltesers.

[Dan Howell]

Grandma. Fucking Maltesers. Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

And now I've got this guilt because you got me a really sentimental hand woven pigeon rug for my birthday.

[Ad/Other Voice]

I got you the pigeon rug.

[Dan Howell]

I nailed it.

[Phil Lester]

How do I top that?

[Dan Howell]

Did you bring something?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Are you fucking serious? I actually surprised you on the podcast with a hand stitched.

[Phil Lester]

I surprised you with the balloons and the cake.

[Dan Howell]

Pigeon mug. Your gift is just your.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Your presence is the present.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. I will give you something on the actual day.

[Dan Howell]

Is it because you totally thought of something and it just didn't arrive in time?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. It's so sentimental. Yeah, I'm saving it for.

[Dan Howell]

It's sentimental. Fragile.

[Phil Lester]

Fragile and sturdy at the same time. Yeah. Let's listen to some hard launches from you.

[Dan Howell]

Do you see how we did that? We've got that in 4k. When the fevorce happens once again, I will be calling on everybody watching this to to testify in Fort Go.

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[Listener 1]

Hi, Dan and Phil. This is Kendall from North Carolina in the United States. And I'm hard launching that. I've taught my three year old nephew your catchphrases.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no.

[Listener 1]

What does Dan say?

[Additional Voice]

What can I say?

[Listener 1]

What does Phil say?

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing.

[Listener 1]

What else does Dan say?

[Phil Lester]

Hundred percent. It got a bit monster ish in the middle there.

[Dan Howell]

That ended so sweetly and started a bit a bit scary. Your nephew sounded slightly demonic.

[Plan B Sponsor]

What can I say?

[Phil Lester]

Very cute.

[Dan Howell]

100%.

[Phil Lester]

We're ruining the lives of the youth at an early age.

[Dan Howell]

Now get em in young downhill from here uphill. From here uphill. That is the good way of looking at it. Thank you so much. That's so cute.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Get them a thesaurus before they turn into us.

[Phil Lester]

Big shout out to your nephew. We can say something they would want to hear. Bluey. Roblox 67 Roblox coins.

[Dan Howell]

Be careful on Roblox.

[Phil Lester]

Minecraft. Herobrine. Thomas. Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, right there. Toot.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Listener 1]

Hello, this is Alexa from the US and my hard launch is that it makes me really sad that you guys are from England. It just seems like an absolutely miserable place. And it seems like, honestly, like purgatory to me.

[Phil Lester]

No. Are you trying to.

[Listener 1]

I think the worst kind of eternal punishment would be like, be sent to England.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Listener 1]

So I'm sorry, you guys live in England. Okay, that's it.

[Phil Lester]

Are you trying to create a war between the US and UK listeners? Because you're not onto a good start.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know also where in the US are you from? I see how you dodged that.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Like, did you say you're from New York City? Hey, hey. Do you know the slang? Ohio?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That's not England, is it? I feel like it's much worse. It really depends where in both countries. Because England generally has some truly awful

[Phil Lester]

Redding places, but also some beautiful places.

[Dan Howell]

Rottenstall now.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I feel like English people are only allowed to say that England is shit. And then when somebody else does it, suddenly I get filled with this national pride. Oh yeah. And I'm like, no, it's beautiful.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. You're gonna stand up for Queen and country. She's fucking dead.

[Phil Lester]

Have you seen the Lake District? What are you talking about?

[Dan Howell]

We've got a body of water.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah. And you forget all of the awful bit.

[Dan Howell]

My hot take is England and America, ironically, are the two countries that everyone globally is allowed to hate on.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, fine.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Because they are historically the worst.

[Phil Lester]

We should just move to Portugal.

[Dan Howell]

We collectively did. No, we should leave them alone. Phil. What did we just say? The worst Thing about Portugal was British people.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no.

[Dan Howell]

So yeah. How dare you Slashy up.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, next. Okay, fair.

[Listener 1]

Hi Dan.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Phil.

[Listener 1]

I'm hard launching that the Susans. My lesbian mothers who are 60 and 70 years old just told me that they're separated.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Listener 1]

So I fled to my friend Kira's house and now we are watching your newest episode to cope. So thank you guys.

[Phil Lester]

Not the Susans.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot to digest there. Firstly, lesbian mums. Cool.

[Phil Lester]

Cool.

[Dan Howell]

Secondly, the Susans.

[Phil Lester]

I can't believe your mums were the Susans.

[Dan Howell]

You get to call your mums the Susans also. Sorry, I guess that's over now.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry that. That's over.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks. That are. We appreciate that this is cheering you up.

[Phil Lester]

They say 70 is the new 30, right?

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely. She's gonna get out there.

[Phil Lester]

So the first Susan can get Susan 3.

[Dan Howell]

Go find another Susan. Have to.

[Phil Lester]

And then the second Susan can find Susan 4. And then you've got Susan squared and cubed Susan.

[Dan Howell]

Cubed frickin l. Yeah. That's a superhero team. Four mums, one no. Alright, thank you for sending those in. If you want to hard launch something, whether it's trauma or just starting a culture war. Hardlaunchpodcastmail.com Sweden. What?

[Phil Lester]

We should move to Sweden.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that'd be pretty cool.

[Phil Lester]

I like Sweden.

[Dan Howell]

Do they want British people there?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I want to say thank you Phil for letting me make this look depressing on the birthday.

[Phil Lester]

You're welcome.

[Dan Howell]

The balloons, the last, lack of colorful lighting and again, you as a silver coated person look much better in all black than I do.

[Phil Lester]

I really do. I'm hot today. What are we gonna do on the Patreon?

[Dan Howell]

Oh you Uno reversed me with the cake.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So guess what? I'm gonna spin it right back at you.

[Phil Lester]

Don't spin it on me.

[Dan Howell]

What does Phil do when it's my birthday? He tweets unhinged pictures of me.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no.

[Dan Howell]

What I'm gonna do right now while Phil goes to have a poo is I am gonna find a bunch of wild photos of Phil and I'm gonna leak them on the Patreon. So stay tuned for that.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't agree to this game.

[Dan Howell]

Do I agree on my birthday? Exactly. Look forward to it if you want to see that. It's patreon.com Dan and Phil. 15 minutes of bonus yapping. Or not.

[Phil Lester]

Phil. Fine. I'm excited to see what you chose. Thanks for joining us. Have a lovely week. I hope it stays as hard as

[Dan Howell]

today was and you can believe that we will be here next time.

[Phil Lester]

And I'm gonna eat some more Delicious.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we know why your tongue's black fill. We don't need to keep excusing it. Get in there.

[Ad/Other Voice]

Bye.

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