Dan's Instagram 'Instants' Incident

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Dan’s Instagram “Instants” Incident

Date: May 25, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this playful, overshare-heavy episode, Dan and Phil dive into the perils of social media’s latest features, including a near-nude mishap with Instagram’s “Instants.” The duo also riff on garden shows, weird train experiences, odd UK news, audience launches, and the existential weirdness of post offices and letters. True to their unfiltered style, the episode blends anxiety, self-deprecating humor, LGBTQ+ banter, and cultural references.

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Dan’s “Instants” Near-Nude Disaster

[00:57 – 04:19]

• Dan recalls almost sharing an accidental nude due to Instagram's new “Instants” feature, which instantly shares whatever you capture:
  • “I almost leaked my own nudes the other day.” (Dan, [00:57])
  • “I have fully just taken a pic of my entire wet, naked body… Towels tucked between my crack like a tail.” (Dan, [02:02])
  • Frantic attempts to use airplane mode to stop the photo sending.
• Phil presses Dan for details: “Was your knob fully out, Dan?” (Phil, [02:18])
• Moral: “To any of you watching this right now, beware. I saved your life.” (Dan, [03:20])

Memorable quote:

“What’s worse than your moist, damp nudity is posting an instant and no one gives a fuck.”

• Dan ([03:55])

2. Social Anxieties: Chelsea Flower Show Edition

[04:48 – 13:21]

• Banter about preparing and panicking for the Chelsea Flower Show:
  • Meltdowns about clothing and hair, with Phil feeling anxious about not “belonging” and Dan upset by a bad hair day.
  • “Dan had a full meltdown before we left.” (Phil, [05:30])
  • Event is exposed as surprisingly competitive, featuring outlandish gardens and even a “dildo garden” sponsored by Lovehoney ([09:24]).
  • Old people’s scandalized reactions: “The old people were aghast at the idea that sex is supposed to be pleasurable and women can buy things that know where the clitoris is.” (Dan, [09:52])
• Psychological insights:
  • “I was just worried… I was excited for this event” (Phil & Dan, [08:08 – 08:20])
  • Both hosts deal with impostor syndrome and appearance insecurity.

3. Young People, Touching Grass & Mental Health

[10:23 – 11:15]

• Discussion of a charity garden (by Young Minds) as a metaphor for resilience in mental health.
  • “Touch grass… No, it’s not a joke.” (Phil, [10:44])
  • Garden's design symbolizes overcoming mental health struggles.

4. From Cheese to Ads: The Perils of Podcast Sponsorship

[11:52 – 12:20]

• Behind-the-scenes on last week’s interruptions:
  • “There was no ads last week because I was dressed as a cheese. None of them wanted to be part of it.” (Phil, [11:52])
  • Banter about heavy censorship required for their cheese costume escapade.

5. Modern UK News & Bizarre Stories

[15:46 – 19:26]

• Gorilla Statue Saga: A local woman risks a £20k fine over a giant gorilla statue named Caesar ([15:49]):
  • “Streets need more whimsy. I’m all for keeping the gorilla.” (Phil, [16:18])
• Mario-Shaped Meth Pills: Man jailed for meth pills shaped like Mario; playful riffing on branding criminality ([16:56]):
  • “Why not Luigi?” (Phil, [17:06])
  • “Walter White should have considered it. I mean, like, branding.” (Dan, [17:11])
• Rain Rot STI: Jokey take on a new STI dubbed “rain rot,” which afflicts those in “damp” environments.
  • “If you accidentally take a picture of your cock, on instants, you’re giving people rain rot.” (Dan, [18:02])
  • Phil: “Do you have to be slamming in a damp area to get it?”
    Dan: “Not even slamming. I think it’s just kissing. Oh, you just end up with some derma bumpiness in the rubbing region.” ([18:10–18:18])

6. Brighton Adventures & Fleece Fashion

[21:36 – 24:04]

• Dan & Phil recount their trip to Brighton to see PJ & Sophie, experiencing disappointment with the UK’s “first class” trains:
  • “There was blood on the seat.” (Phil, [22:21])
  • “More like first asses.” (Dan, [23:20])
• Fashion moments: accidental ‘fleece squad’ and reflections on city fashion.
  • “Every other person in London is wearing black. Come on, London.” (Phil, [23:54])
  • “You go to Brighton, you’re the least interesting twink there.” (Dan, [24:01])

7. Social Media Oversharing & Tech Paranoia

[24:19 – 25:03]

• Discussing privacy settings and Apple/Instagram’s dick-pic warning:
  • “It’s weird that Apple is just watching everyone’s penises, though.” (Phil, [24:56])
  • Dan retorts: “More like Tim Cock.” ([25:02])

8. Audience Participation: Hard Launches

[31:09 – 34:39]

• Listeners send in quick “hard launches” (life updates), with the hosts responding live.
• Notable contributions:
  • Alice from NW London adopts a cat named “Box of Tissues” ([31:22]).
  • Nastasia’s mum invites Dan & Phil to a “leopard club night” ([32:07]).
  • Laura from Essex: “Q should not be where it is in the Alphabet–should be at the back” ([33:16]).
• Banter ensues about the gothness of letters and the cosmic relationship between “D and P.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Social anxiety encapsulation:
  “I can’t be the only one… your hair just doesn’t work and you’re just going, ‘I look fucking stupid.’” — Dan ([08:40])

• On social faux pas:
  “What’s worse than your moist, damp nudity is posting an instant and no one gives a fuck.” — Dan ([03:55])

• About competitive gardening:
  “It’s just fucking cool to see the best gardeners in the world kicking their pussies all the way up the wall.” — Dan ([06:29])

• Cheese suit sponsorship woes:
  “Do you want to be associated with cheese and ham?” — Dan ([11:59])

• Tech paranoia:
  “It’s weird that Apple is just watching everyone’s penises.” — Phil ([24:56])

• Train dissatisfaction:
  “More like first asses.” — Dan ([23:20])

• London vs. Brighton fashion:
  “You go to Brighton, you’re the least interesting twink there.” — Dan ([24:01])

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Highlight Segments (Timestamps)

• Dan’s accidental nude story: [00:57 – 04:19]
• Chelsea Flower Show panic/meltdown: [04:48 – 13:21]
• Audience messages: cat adoption, club invites, and the anti-Q campaign: [31:09 – 34:39]
• UK news and health banter: [15:46 – 19:26]
• Brighton trip recap: [21:36 – 24:19]

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Overall Tone

Chaotic, confessional, unapologetically queer, and filled with self-deprecating humor and cultural references. Dan and Phil veer from anxious oversharing to wild storytelling, all while maintaining an irreverent but ultimately warm rapport.

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Summary Takeaways

• Beware auto-sharing features: You might unintentionally overshare.
• Chelsea Flower Show: Not just flowers; social anxiety and sexy garden installations abound.
• Social vulnerability: Even successful podcasters stress over their hair, outfits, and Instagram engagement.
• UK oddities: From giant yard gorillas to Mario meth, no news is normal.
• Community spirit: Audience hard launches showcase the relatable, mundane, and weird aspects of fan life.

For more unfiltered oversharing, tune into their Patreon aftershow!

Transcript

[Phil]

So good, so good, so good.

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[Phil]

girl.

[Sponsor/Advertiser]

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[Dan]

I almost leaked my own nudes the other day.

[Phil]

Dan, you need to stop doing that.

[Dan]

Instagram is out to get you psa. Have you heard of instant yes, it's terrifying. Explain it.

[Phil]

There's a new feature where it's like, hey, share what you're doing right now.

[Dan]

Fucked up.

[Phil]

A camera appears, you press, take the picture and it sends it out to everyone. You don't even get to look at it.

[Dan]

It instantly.

[Phil]

Which they give you no warning for.

[Dan]

I know that's the name.

[Phil]

They don't tell you.

[Dan]

It happens so fast and it just sends it. So I have a rotted brain and I can't do anything without a noise to keep me from thinking.

[Phil]

Nothing.

[Dan]

Because my own thoughts are terrifying.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

I had a shower. I was drying myself. I had propped my phone up on a towel rail.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And I was just gonna let the reels happen.

[Phil]

Sure.

[Dan]

Bit of towel action, bit of the reels. Classic. Part of my morning.

[Phil]

Classic.

[Dan]

And then I saw, oh, try instance today. And I think, what's that? So I just tap it, give it a go. The front camera's right there. And I'm like, oh, what's that happening? On apps when you double tap the front camera, it spins the camera around.

[Phil]

Dangerous.

[Dan]

So I tap it and I have fully just taken a pic of my entire wet, naked body. And I don't know what the fuck you're picturing, but I was not standing sexually in a steamy bathroom.

[Phil]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan]

I was stood. Just relaxed.

[Phil]

Was your knob fully out, Dan?

[Dan]

Wet? No, my hair was like, all over the place.

[Phil]

You can send that to everyone.

[Dan]

Towels tucked between my crack like a tail. I don't know what the fuck that I was doing with that. And so I lurched for the phone, and in an instant. Yeah, Instagram. I put airplane mode on. And then I'm just going, oh, my God. And just to be safe, I've got my finger on the screen. The app hasn't moved yet. I still see the photo. Swipe it closed before I can do something else.

[Phil]

I'm stressed.

[Dan]

And then I sit cold, wet ass on the tiles, and I'm just like, who did I just send my wet body to?

[Phil]

Well, who could it. If it's anyone that follows you back,

[Dan]

jacksepticeye doesn't want to see that. Zach Polanski. I mean, maybe Zach. I don't know, but he's busy. I don't know what Zach Polanski's doing, but there's fucking weird mutuals going back all this time.

[Phil]

They don't all want to see the hog.

[Dan]

So I turned on airplane mode, and it didn't go through.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Dan]

But I swear, my life flashed before my eyes.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

So to any of you watching this right now, my beware, Beware. I saved your life.

[Phil]

Three, two, one.

[Dan]

Happy Hard Mondays, everybody.

[Phil]

Happy Hard Monday to especially you listening right now. Should we do an instant?

[Dan]

Fuck all the people watching on YouTube.

[Phil]

Should we do an instant.

[Dan]

Should we do an instant right now? You think you're funny, do you? You play with my trauma too soon, Phil. Like the Titanic. Too soon.

[Phil]

Sorry.

[Dan]

You with your clothed, dry privilege.

[Phil]

I know.

[Dan]

Jesus Christ.

[Phil]

I sent one and then I got nobody liking it.

[Dan]

I felt that's worse than leaking your wet cock.

[Phil]

It went out. I know.

[Dan]

That is fucking devastating, but don't say wet cock. What's worse than your moist, damp nudity is posting an instant and no one gives a fuck.

[Phil]

To be fair, I've got 350 mutuals and none of them liked it.

[Dan]

We're gonna have to hit you with a classic.

[Phil]

Yeah, you could have liked it. That must have popped up on your phone.

[Dan]

Cheryl, I'm gonna be real with you right now. I don't watch your Instagram stories.

[Phil]

Why?

[Dan]

Because I'm fucking in them. Okay? I don't need to know what you did today. You were sa.

[Phil]

I was sat in a taxi doing a cute little tongue out face.

[Dan]

I'm sure it was great.

[Phil]

I thought it was cool.

[Dan]

I thought you thought you were concentrating on something and Phil just sat in a cab going.

[Phil]

I mean, I do that a lot in Facebook.

[Dan]

I mean, we've seen all the Hunks that are on your Instagram reels. So that's just what I assume.

[Phil]

You're sat in a cab going salivating on my phone.

[Dan]

So you were sending an incident and over your head.

[Phil]

Yeah, I'm gonna try it with my ass out and then see who likes it then.

[Dan]

Alright, look forward to that scandal. Why were you in a cab, Dan? Phil, speaking of being wet, we were

[Phil]

going to the Chelsea Flower.

[Dan]

What the fuck is that? Everybody on earth says it's a show. It's a flower show. Dallas and Chelsea flowers. No ship. It is a competitive gardening event. Yeah, who knew that landscaping was an esport? Wait, wait, sorry. If something is real, it's not an esports, it's just a sport. I'm actually not familiar with that game.

[Phil]

Literally, you could basically walk around, have some Pimms, look at some flowers and feel all fancy. I got a new shirt with flowers on it. Aw.

[Dan]

Phil ordered a new shirt with a flower on it and he feel looked really nice. I ordered some new clothes and they didn't ship.

[Phil]

You had such a meltdown.

[Dan]

I ordered them on a Thursday and then on Friday I checked to see if the next day delivery would happen and they didn't send them until Monday. Well, guess what? The event was on Monday and you

[Phil]

were like, what am I gonna wear? My hair's a mess.

[Dan]

Okay, Phil, what are we gonna go here?

[Phil]

Yes. Dan had a full meltdown before we left.

[Dan]

We both had full social freakouts in relation to this event at different times. And you freaked out first.

[Phil]

Well, my first freak out was welcome.

[Dan]

Welcome to Psychology with Dan.

[Phil]

Phil, we got. It's like you might be on BBC News talking about gardens. I don't know fuck all about gardens and anything like that. So why am I there? Like an imposter?

[Dan]

I was excited for this because a year ago we and a couple friends went to this gardening show. We don't know anything. Phil can barely keep a cactus alive. No, but you just go to this gardening show, you day drink, there's a load of old people, you dress up with your friends. And the reason I like it is because I appreciate design.

[Phil]

Oh yes, he loves a rusty waterfall.

[Dan]

It is competitive gardening. People spend hundreds of thousands of pounds sponsored by evil banks on the most crazy gardens from the year 3000 you've ever seen. Yes. And if you're just someone that appreciates art, it's just fucking cool to see the best gardeners in the world kicking their pussies all the way up the wall. Yes, there's medals, there's literally prizes. Where like the gold medal. Flower arranging. Who doesn't want see what the Royal Horticultural Society has awarded the Gold medal of Vaz to.

[Phil]

I'm into all of that.

[Dan]

Exactly. So it's a great day.

[Phil]

Lick licking.

[Dan]

What?

[Phil]

Lick my ice cream.

[Dan]

He's got an ice cream.

[Phil]

Look at my plants.

[Dan]

It was the press day.

[Phil]

I was scared.

[Dan]

Last year we went as punters. It was a bit gross because it

[Phil]

was a lot of people.

[Dan]

There was a lot of people, like, elbow to elbow with a lot of old people.

[Phil]

But this was press day, when celebs go and there's loads of press there interviewing people about gardens.

[Dan]

It is a big social event in the calendar. It's a big deal for glamorous people.

[Phil]

David Beckham, Benedict Cumberbatch, Joanna Lumley.

[Dan]

Yeah, we saw Joanna Lumley in the flesh. Ethereal.

[Phil]

I don't deserve to be in the same room as Joanna Lumley.

[Dan]

I mean, it was an outdoor space, so you don't deserve to be in the same earth as Joanna Lumley.

[Phil]

I know. None of us do. We should all stop breathing right now. But I was just nervous. Claudia Winkleman was gonna walk up to me and be like, phil, how do you propagate your cactus?

[Dan]

You're here today because you love gardens, right? Name a garden. No, name a grass. Phil, Esther, you are here on the press day of the Royal Horticultural Society show. If you can't name 10 fucking breeds of daffodil, Kamala Harris, we're gonna shoot you.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

You're gonna die right now.

[Phil]

So that was my freak out. I was just worried.

[Dan]

I was excited for this event.

[Phil]

I was worried about it.

[Dan]

And then Phil was like, we can't go. We're not meant to be there. And so I had to go. Phil, I was looking forward to this, okay? I've been looking forward to this all year.

[Phil]

I know.

[Dan]

I don't need your negative vibes.

[Phil]

I'm sorry.

[Dan]

And so, Phil, to be fair, you locked in.

[Phil]

I did. I locked in. I got a new shirt and I felt like I was cool.

[Dan]

And on the day of it, you had positive mental anxiety.

[Phil]

I was like, yeah, let's do it. Let's get out of the BBC.

[Dan]

And then I freaked the fuck out on the day because my hair wasn't cooperating.

[Phil]

My hair's not working.

[Dan]

I can't be the only one. Are you ever not, like, just doing an event and then your hair just doesn't work and you're just going, I look fucking stupid. I had a Classic my hair looks stupid. Meltdown.

[Phil]

I'm gonna shave my head. It's horrible.

[Dan]

I showered TW to reset my hair.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Because to be fair, I have curly hair. It just does what it wants. I dry it, and then I wait and I go, okay, you're doing this today.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

It didn't work.

[Phil]

You looked fine. You were just having a meltdown.

[Dan]

I got fully soaked. Almost showed everyone my dick on Instagram, which didn't help the emotional level.

[Phil]

Bad day.

[Dan]

Soaked again. And I looked stupid again. I put so much hairspray in my hair, and then I tried to wash it out, and it was just like rubbing concrete on the top of my head.

[Phil]

They had a dildo garden.

[Dan]

Yeah, they did. So brands sponsor the installations to pay for it because it's expensive. So there were some people that did,

[Phil]

like, a sexy love shed, butt plugs and begonias.

[Dan]

And it was sponsored by Lovehoney. And they did have. Yeah. Roses and roses.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Amy. Amy.

[Phil]

Beads.

[Dan]

I don't think there was beads. It was beads and seeds. Very good.

[Phil]

That caused an uproar with the.

[Dan]

The old people were aghast at the idea that sex is supposed to be pleasurable and women can buy things that know where the clitoris is. How dare they. Get away from my cactus.

[Phil]

And you know the ironic thing? Half the people visiting had a butt plug already. Right up there. Kinky little freaks.

[Dan]

Okay, so far, we've only established that, like, Benedict Cumberbatch and Joanna Lumley were here, so not. Johanna, you are now cancell. Benedict butt plug. That's what they call him in the streets.

[Phil]

We're gonna get liable. No, he didn't. I don't.

[Dan]

Liable. Yeah. I'm liable to choke you out on this male podcast.

[Phil]

Wow.

[Dan]

So, no, we had a nice time. The reason we were there on press day is a lot of people do gardens for charities to raise awareness for good events.

[Phil]

Lovely.

[Dan]

So young minds who I've proudly been involved with supporting for, what, like, 10 years at this point?

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Let's not think about that too much. Had a garden that was celebrating the fact that young people need to touch grass.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

No. No. It's not a joke.

[Phil]

No, they do. It's important.

[Dan]

Wow. Really?

[Phil]

No, they do.

[Dan]

Young people, they have no spaces anymore. Okay. They took them all away.

[Phil]

It was a worthy cause.

[Dan]

It was.

[Phil]

And we met grass. We met some of the young people that made the garden.

[Dan]

They actually planted it.

[Phil]

I learned about a tree, and this

[Dan]

is why it's called. It's metaphorical. They're like We've got a rock split in two with a tree growing between it as a metaphor for how you can rise from mental health crises. Oh, my God. We've got that freaky tree that's growing on its side, showing that you can be someone that was born growing on your side and you can do whatever you want and look beautiful.

[Phil]

I was definitely born growing on my side. I got a sexy picture as well, didn't we? Sat on the floor like that.

[Dan]

Sexy.

[Phil]

Yeah, I looked hot.

[Dan]

Well, as you know, Dan and Phil are in their Getty Images era, desperately trying to cover up the 2016 Radio 1 Teen Awards. And so when a man came up to us and said, dan and Phil squat on this pavement.

[Phil]

Don't meme my fist, though, please, because it was a general hand resting on my knee. It's not a fist.

[Dan]

A man went up to Phil and said, pose now. And so he just had to do something.

[Phil]

That's how I sit naturally.

[Dan]

So despite us both having total meltdowns, me almost leaking my nudes and Phil having a weird fist. Horrible things to put together. We survived going outside.

[Phil]

Yes. Another fist. So you might have noticed there was no ads last week because I was dressed as a cheese. None of them wanted to be part of it.

[Dan]

Yeah, I wonder why. Do you want to be associated with cheese and ham?

[Phil]

Do you know how much censoring we had to do? I didn't realize it was flapping up so much.

[Dan]

Everybody say thank you to the editor who Phil asked to do multiple rounds of editing to cover up the. How do I say this? Cheese covered penis.

[Phil]

No, Dan, we're trying to get into the ads. We're trying to be classy.

[Dan]

Matt, stab a stick. This is literally the segue into our first sponsor. Just ignore me.

[Phil]

More buses come at once. We got three today, and here's the first one. Thank you, all of us. And you know what, Dan?

[Dan]

What?

[Phil]

I might go outside and feel more alive because it's concert season.

[Dan]

Okay, I see what you did there.

[Phil]

Yeah. Shout out to our next sponsor. SeatGeek. Oh.

[Dan]

The number one rated ticketing app for

[Phil]

music, sports, and even musicals that should be starring me.

[Dan]

Broadway. No way. Who's on tour right now? Hazza Camped up in msg.

[Phil]

Hazza. Bts. The Dallas Symphony Orchestra performing top Maverick.

[Dan]

You just read that off the screen?

[Phil]

No, I didn't. I already got my tickets.

[Dan]

I wrote that down because I saw that, and I was like, oh, cool. That's random. Maybe I want to go see it.

[Phil]

Sweaty men, hopefully.

[Dan]

All sorts going on.

[Phil]

Anyway, Seatgeek rates tickets from 1 to 10, so you can see how good se.

[Dan]

I like it. When you go to see an orchestra show, sometimes they have seats behind the orchestra so you can see people tinkling the ivories. They should do that at more concerts.

[Phil]

They should.

[Dan]

The tickets behind BTS.

[Phil]

What are you gonna see then? The BT ass.

[Dan]

And we're rating at a 10. Thanks, Seatgeek.

[Phil]

Well, concert season is about to kick off, and to make it even better, you can use code DAN&PHIL10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets. What was that? That's 10% off tickets with promo code DAN&PHIL10.

[Dan]

Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later.

[Phil]

Thank you, seatgeek. Thank you. To our next sponsor, Whatnot.

[Dan]

It's the number one livestream shopping app. Oh, I love some live shopping.

[Phil]

It's really, like, intense and fun. You could be into beauty, vintage fashion, collectibles, movie memorabilia. I'm more of a collectible guy. You saw me when the LabuBoos came out. I went wild.

[Dan]

I need to keep you away from it. Yeah, let's just see what's on. Okay, we need a category.

[Phil]

You've got to buy the first thing that looks good for me as a present.

[Dan]

You were talking about gems the other day.

[Phil]

I want a gem.

[Dan]

Okay, someone's doing one here that says crystals, cats, and chaos.

[Phil]

Ideal. Hey.

[Dan]

Hey, Hayley, we're gonna hop in the chat.

[Phil]

Can you get me a gem that brings me good luck and also makes me hot?

[Dan]

Gem girlies. Is there one that does that out there?

[Phil]

There must be.

[Dan]

I don't know.

[Phil]

Ooh, a spider.

[Dan]

Jasper Quartz Tower.

[Phil]

That sounds ideal.

[Dan]

It's his and his crystal quartzs. Oh, I feel like we need it. They are 6 or 7 inches. Let. No, the pounds.

[Phil]

Oh, the cost.

[Dan]

Jesus Christ.

[Phil]

Should we get one?

[Dan]

I'll bid. Oh, Phil, it's happening.

[Phil]

Are we getting it just like that?

[Dan]

We bought an edgy quartz towel.

[Phil]

Our gem is on the way. It's easy as that. If you want to give it a go, you can use the link below or scan this QR code to get $15 off your first purchase anywhere on the app.

[Dan]

Plus, for the USA girlies, they are giving away $500 in credit. If you just follow the account using the link or the QR code, you'll be autom. And the winner will be announced in one month.

[Phil]

Happy shopping. I'm drooping today. My microphone keeps flopping down.

[Dan]

There's a pill for that.

[Phil]

What is that?

[Dan]

What, can we get a sponsor?

[Phil]

Yeah, we.

[Dan]

Can we do that?

[Phil]

What are you saying? If we did a spawn, we just have to take the pill and see what happens.

[Dan]

They do like you to show that you've used the product.

[Phil]

Oh, yeah. Phil, make sure you're wearing the tightest pants.

[Dan]

That one's for the cheese suit.

[Phil]

Again, it would be on the Patreon. Well, more things happening in the world. Here's the thing. Do you know I don't read these ahead of time.

[Dan]

I like surprises.

[Phil]

It's always a surprise.

[Dan]

Come on.

[Phil]

Yorkshire. Street of the Apes.

[Dan]

Haven't seen that one.

[Phil]

No, I'd watch that. A local woman has a four foot gorilla statue named Caesar outside her house. And if she doesn't remove it, she could get a 20,000 pound fine.

[Dan]

Now this has gone quite viral and everyone's like, she shouldn't have to take down her gorilla. And then I saw the picture, it's a fucking massive gorilla. And if you had it in your front yard, it's like, okay, people have gnomes, people have stuff. She built a fucking platform for it.

[Phil]

It's excellent.

[Dan]

It's like pride rock.

[Phil]

Streets need more whimsy. I'm all for keeping the gorilla.

[Dan]

You're on team Gorilla.

[Phil]

She was quoted as saying, why should I remove my gorilla? It's not hurting anyone.

[Dan]

It's not hurting anyone. Yeah, until it falls off your washed platform and kills your husband. But what a way to go.

[Phil]

My mom would totally get that. Goril, famed for saying, after the James Franco Planet of the Apes movie ended, that is the best film I've ever seen.

[Dan]

Cinematic history.

[Phil]

I was like, the best film.

[Dan]

She loves that letterboxd. Hot take.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Steaming take.

[Phil]

Six stars. Next one, It's a me, Methio.

[Dan]

That's the headline.

[Phil]

A man has been sentenced. I'm a writer. Oh, my God. A man has been sentenced to six years in jail for possession of Mario shaped meth pills.

[Dan]

Yeah. Serious, Phil. This is serious.

[Phil]

Why not Luigi?

[Dan]

Why not Bowser? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't think we can

[Phil]

say meth on this podcast.

[Dan]

Yeah, I'm sure you can. Walter White should have considered it. I mean, like branding.

[Phil]

Don't take meth.

[Dan]

Thank you, Phil, for that one. I agree that there should be more adult shapes that are less appealing if they were dropped on the floor is the concern here.

[Phil]

Okay, Luigi.

[Dan]

Mangione shaped Dan.

[Phil]

Oh my God, you're naughty today.

[Dan]

I'd be like, get in my fucking mouth. Allegedly.

[Phil]

Stop it.

[Dan]

Also, I'm joking. This is a comedy podcast. Hey, I'm just being silly. Phil, what is the official hard launch podcast stance on meth?

[Phil]

Everything's a joke, okay? Don't take meth. Hot new STI has hit the streets. Dermatophilosis.

[Dan]

It's named after you.

[Phil]

Philosis.

[Dan]

Also known as rain rot. That's right. This is a thing. It's been a thing for a while and it's called rain rot.

[Phil]

Why?

[Dan]

If you accidentally take a picture of your cock, on instance, you're giving people rain rot.

[Phil]

Okay?

[Dan]

No, it's because it happens in damp areas.

[Phil]

Oh, so where's damp where you could catch that? You have to be slamming in a damp area to get it, I assume.

[Dan]

Not even slamming. I think it's just kissing. Oh, you just end up with some derma bumpiness in the rubbing region.

[Phil]

They were kissing in a dirty puddle.

[Dan]

Look, if you're in a steam room, in a gay sauna, why gay?

[Phil]

And Phil, anyone could be in a sauna.

[Dan]

Look, Phil, that is so true. Right? However, this did break out amongst homosexuals in Barcelona. For fuck's sake.

[Phil]

Come on, guys.

[Dan]

Oh, my God. But at the same time, look, if you're gonna be rubbing stuff with anonymous people in dark, damp areas, be careful. You've just gotta go in knowing that this literally could happen.

[Phil]

It's annoying that if you show symptoms,

[Dan]

just don't go back until it's cleared up. Antibiotics and you'll be fine. You'll get over the rain rot, clear

[Phil]

it up, watch some porn for a bit. It's fine. Do you know, you could just sit

[Dan]

inside, but I guess you're just saying don't go back to the.

[Phil]

If they want to get off. Yeah, it's weird that all STIs and infections in general do bad things to you. Why isn't the one that just.

[Dan]

Why can't it be fun?

[Phil]

Oh, I'm glowing a bit.

[Dan]

Why can't there be.

[Phil]

It made me a bit taller and I had sex.

[Dan]

Exactly. It made me feel great for 24 hours and, oh, no, the virus died. Well, that's the world. What a time to be alive.

[Phil]

Speaking of catching rare things, how's about this? You may have seen, we recently released photo cards.

[Dan]

Oh, thank you. I have really enjoyed the I Just Ripped a Feel video.

[Phil]

Yes. They're so entertaining. I can't believe they're all out there in the wild.

[Dan]

So thank you to everybody who supported that. That was fun.

[Phil]

Thanks to Shopify, first sponsor in the pod.

[Dan]

Wait, what'd you do?

[Phil]

I did the magic sound with my finger.

[Dan]

You can do that?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Transhumanism.

[Phil]

Shopify maze. The Dan and Phil shop possible.

[Dan]

Phil did not code it himself.

[Phil]

No, it's made with Shopify and it's so easy. There's hundreds of templates.

[Dan]

We are like, hey, we're doing something new.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

It needs a new theme. Just make a template theme for every occasion.

[Phil]

I love a theme.

[Dan]

What's the photo card one gonna be? Green.

[Phil]

And it's really easy to send out newsletters as well. We can just annoy you all the time.

[Dan]

Here's an email from Phil.

[Phil]

Jump into the email and if you're really disorganized. Yes.

[Dan]

Like some people are, hey, maybe you never have your card with you. Maybe you never have id. Maybe you don't even know where you live.

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Thank God for the giant purple shop pay button.

[Phil]

It's great. It just remembers everyone's details so people don't have to run away scared from your shop. They'll just be like, I'm gonna buy that. And then they'll get it.

[Dan]

So if you're thinking, hey, I want to do my own photocards and sell them to my friends because I have friends that reply to my pictures, hey,

[Phil]

it's time to turn those what ifs into he did it again with Shopify today.

[Dan]

You can sign up for a $1 a month trial today at shopify.com shop.

[Phil]

Dan and Phil go to shopify.com danandphil what? That's shopify.com danandphil it doesn't work if you do it. I've got the magic finger.

[Dan]

That's what she said.

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[Phil]

We've been quite social beasts this week, haven't we? We went to Brighton to see PJ and Sophie.

[Dan]

Aw. Two of our only friends.

[Phil]

That was lovely that you know of

[Dan]

you parasocial info collectors.

[Phil]

We've got loads of other friends.

[Dan]

Don't you know how many dozens of friends we have?

[Phil]

Dozens. They all like our instance every day.

[Dan]

So. Oh, big day on the train. Oh, yeah. We got on the nub of the train and there was a first class train carriage which in the UK no one pays for first class train because it's like twice the price and then it's epically shit.

[Phil]

But they said, hey, it's been decommissioned today so anyone could get in it. And we were like, yeah, let's go. Let's see what it's like to fucking

[Dan]

sit in first class.

[Phil]

It was the shittest thing ever. Who's spending £100 to go into the nub of the train? There's Pringles crushed on the floor.

[Dan]

It was like next to a toilet. So you had toilet smell.

[Phil]

There was blood on the seat.

[Dan]

We don't know, it could have been someone cracking open a red wine after a long day.

[Phil]

Brownie. Red liquid spray on the seat.

[Dan]

There was. There was. It was feral.

[Phil]

But then if you see other countries first class trains on trainfluencer Talk.

[Dan]

Have you seen a Japanese first class train?

[Phil]

Insane.

[Dan]

I'm in a seven star hotel. There's angel sharks inside, there's a log flume.

[Phil]

I'm really drooping. I'm sorry. Wait. I'm just fixing my.

[Dan]

Think you're tightening it? Are you loosening it?

[Phil]

I'm making it as tight as possible. There you go, mate. Gonna stay up now, aren't you?

[Dan]

Alright, for the Apple music listeners, Phil was talking about his microphone.

[Phil]

I was.

[Dan]

And I am leaving the room.

[Phil]

It's a bit obnoxiously hot. It's a bit

[Dan]

professional male podcaster here.

[Phil]

What am I saying?

[Dan]

For the Apple music listeners, this is just the way that Phil is.

[Phil]

That's how I am.

[Dan]

There's no more context. That was him just trying to speak. Was that your workout for the day?

[Phil]

He's tight. Yes. Every other country has lovely first classes. Ours is a joke.

[Dan]

More like first asses.

[Phil]

Yeah. For 100 extra pounds, I want to be greeted by a butler. Get a foot massage, get a little snacky.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Get a little hot towel.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil]

This was horrible.

[Dan]

A smack in the face.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Probably gonna get rain rot from touching that seat.

[Phil]

I got it back up. Yeah. Anyway, what did we do in Brighton?

[Dan]

We all wore matching fleeces accidentally.

[Phil]

Fleece squad.

[Dan]

How embarrassing. Fleece gang.

[Phil]

Do you know how many compliments we got though?

[Dan]

Yeah, four. People kept being like, look at you. Crazy people getting fleeced. Although, Phil, when you left the house, you were wearing your cloud fleece and you go, it's a bit loud, isn't it?

[Phil]

Again, what I noticed is every other person in London is wearing black. Come on, London.

[Dan]

Whereas you go to Brighton, you're the least interesting fucking twink there.

[Phil]

Yeah, everyone's hot.

[Dan]

Do you have any idea how many art students there are?

[Phil]

Great. I think I belong there. I should move to Brighton. Where's some colour? Yeah, I'd live in Brighton by the sea. It's where our only friend lives.

[Dan]

Only friends. We have a history of recreating a boomerang that we did 10 years ago,

[Phil]

back when a boomerang was a thing. I didn't know you could still make one.

[Dan]

Haven't flashed my cock with a boomerang. If you did, that'd be a lot. It would just be going back and forth.

[Phil]

That's a horrible mental image.

[Dan]

How many people have sent dick pics with boomerangs?

[Phil]

I don't know.

[Dan]

I've sent millions probably.

[Phil]

Surely a lot.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Do you know on Instagram now, if you. Or is it imessage if you take a dick pic, it goes. Hey, Whoa. Are you sure you wanna send.

[Dan]

I think you have to opt into that feature.

[Phil]

Oh, do you?

[Dan]

Yeah. I checked my settings and I was like, Apple, don't consider my.

[Phil]

Why were you checking the setting of it?

[Dan]

I was honestly just making sure I was good to go to God. Innocently. I don't know why I was in those settings. Oh, look, it's the nudes reviewing setting story.

[Phil]

It's weird that Apple is just watching everyone's penises, though. Just like, what's going on?

[Dan]

More like Tim Cock.

[Sponsor/Advertiser]

Oh.

[Phil]

So we repeated the boomerang with PJ and Sophie and we also discovered a new trendy food, the frumpit.

[Dan]

What'd you call me? You're a frumpet with a ph. You're a. Guess what? It's a French toast crumpet.

[Phil]

You're a warm frumpet.

[Dan]

So they take a crumpet, which, to the American mind, what is a crumpet like? To us, a biscuit is like a cookie.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And a muffin is a fluffy baked good.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

And a crumpet is a weird, freaky, little chewy, spongy thing with holes in it.

[Phil]

It looks like it grows in the sea.

[Dan]

For slapping butter on and letting it soak in.

[Phil]

Just a whole slob of butter.

[Dan]

Exactly. I'm just a whole Sir.

[Phil]

Yes. Well, they've battered that in egg and stacked it.

[Dan]

Crazy motherfuckers.

[Phil]

It was great. I would recommend the frumping.

[Dan]

What other things should be frumped? Ooh. I guess just fr. Dan and Phil. Fran and Phil.

[Phil]

I don't want to be frumped.

[Dan]

The egg batter. Ah.

[Phil]

Do you know what you could French toast?

[Dan]

What? The patriarchy. Oh, no. It's like A good thing that you want to eat, isn't it, Dick?

[Phil]

Sorry. Stop it. You said hog dick, cock schlong today. What would your grandma say?

[Dan]

And I'm Davis.

[Phil]

That's who you were sending your extra pictures to.

[Dan]

Oh, this apple setting better be off because I need to send him all of it.

[Phil]

Right, Dan, you're saying penis too much. I'm gonna return.

[Dan]

Oh, shit. Oh, she's looking empty.

[Phil]

She is empty. But thankfully, you guys on Patreon have submitted things, and now we are ready to refill. Richard, we have filled your balls.

[Dan]

Do you think I'm funny? Do you think it's funny?

[Phil]

New balls?

[Dan]

I don't want to see that.

[Phil]

For the listeners. Listen, the listeners, they're jostling.

[Dan]

Did you hear all of those fresh balls?

[Phil]

They're overflowing.

[Dan]

Phil, you're dropping the balls everywhere. You've dropped two balls on the floor.

[Phil]

If you write one of those, it's lost forever. Okay, I'll find it. Richard is about to get filled up.

[Dan]

Absolutely stuffed. Frumped, if you will. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fell, fell, fell. Ball down. Sorry.

[Phil]

Ball down.

[Dan]

Oh, my God. Two balls down. Oh, my God. It's cracked and split.

[Phil]

It's cracked and split.

[Dan]

Right. Give me Richard's hat. Richard's been scalped.

[Phil]

There we go.

[Dan]

Thank you.

[Phil]

Are you ready? This is a monumentous moment.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil]

There's almost too many.

[Dan]

Do we have mubbles?

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Phil added another year to the likelihood of the golden ball dropping with that.

[Phil]

There we go. There we go.

[Dan]

Why? Why are you forsaking me? Oh, here we go. A whole new ball.

[Phil]

It's a pink ball.

[Dan]

Thanks.

[Phil]

And today's topic is the Post Office.

[Dan]

A cursed place. A chaotic place.

[Phil]

It's an unusual place, a marvelous, miraculous place. There's so much going on in the UK Post Office. Whenever you walk in. Fucking chaos.

[Dan]

Chaos.

[Phil]

I didn't know there were so many options.

[Dan]

I'm scared. Usually I'm there because I just have to drop off a package that I'm sending someone. Yeah, no fucking shit, Dan. Why else would you be there, Idiot. Why did I even say that?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And yet I just feel like last time I went.

[Phil]

I put it in the wrong hole. She was, like I said, is.

[Dan]

She was the girl in Prague.

[Phil]

I said, where do I put my package? She said, over there, love. And then I put it in there. And she went, not that hole. I don't know what I put it into. Why is there a hole if we're not meant to use it?

[Dan]

Am I right? Ladies. Yeah, but for real, there's a lot going on in the post office.

[Phil]

You gotta weigh things.

[Dan]

You gotta fuckin. They're like, how much does this letter weigh? I don't know. Can't you help? I'm stressed.

[Phil]

When was the last time you sent a postcard?

[Dan]

A postcard?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

I don't know if I've ever sent a postcard.

[Phil]

What? I used to send them to all my friends when I went on holiday.

[Dan]

You fucking nerd.

[Phil]

Ooh, that's fun.

[Dan]

And did any of them reply to your insta.

[Phil]

That's why.

[Dan]

Yeah, well, your nine year old friend Jeremy couldn't suddenly be in Florida, could he?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Why would you even send him that? Just to make him feel like shit.

[Phil]

There was a rumor going around my street that the postman was sleeping with various wives. He was hot. He was a hot sexy man.

[Dan]

So was it like community fan fiction?

[Phil]

Unload your package.

[Dan]

Oh, God. Oh, dear. Gary, don't dox the Lancaster mailman.

[Phil]

Posterson.

[Dan]

Gary Posterson with his big box now.

[Phil]

You'd think it'd be the window cleaner. That's kind of more of the stereotypical housewife grammar.

[Dan]

How often do people get their windows cleaned? Like the postman is there across the country. Post person.

[Phil]

Phil, this was a post.

[Dan]

Can we objectify all genders?

[Phil]

This was a post man and a host.

[Dan]

The Post. They could come.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

And they might be your non binary parents.

[Phil]

All I'm saying is many children were born on that street. And they were all ginger.

[Dan]

Your brother's ginger.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Dan]

Okay, Martin, if you're listening, I'm sorry, but like an instant. We can't remove things from the podcast. We're just gonna live with the allegations there.

[Phil]

It wouldn't surprise me that we do not look alike.

[Dan]

You do not look anything like your brother. No. And you have nothing in common.

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Phil's brother was the head boy. He was a talented skateboarder.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Most popular guy in school. He's really fit and healthy.

[Phil]

What are you doing here?

[Dan]

He has like, he runs a business and I'm David.

[Phil]

I get it. Yeah. He's the postman's. I'm not.

[Dan]

It's like when the twin eats the other twin in the womb.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Except I guess he just got like all of the good stuff from both parents and left you with like, you

[Phil]

say I was in the womb for five years before I popped out.

[Dan]

You definitely had like the leftover placenta.

[Phil]

Because I'm that lazy.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

It's weird though that you can just put something in the post and it arrives the next day.

[Dan]

That's fucking crazy, bro. Yeah. Sometimes I do have moments where I just appreciate life.

[Phil]

Yeah, well done.

[Dan]

Who are we to just accept that society functions around us? People are doing that, Phil.

[Phil]

What a system.

[Dan]

Someone invented the postal service. Yeah. And people are doing that service.

[Phil]

Carrier pigeon.

[Dan]

Performative Clap for post people.

[Phil]

Yes. Thank you, post people. Pay them better. Do you know who else we appreciate you guys in the audience who are sending in some beautiful hard launches. If you want to join the crew, all you need to do is email hardlaunchpodcastmail.com with a very quick and to the point hard launch.

[Dan]

Drag them, Phil.

[Phil]

I'm not dragging them.

[Dan]

Phil said, shut the fuck up and get to the point.

[Phil]

We did get one that was five minutes long, apparently.

[Dan]

Hey, so, Dan and Phil, what was I gonna say the other day?

[Phil]

Here's our first friend.

[Dan]

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Alice, I live in North London, and I would like to hard lunch that today I adopted a fucking cat and her name is box of Tissues. The cat, not the girlfriend.

[Phil]

Bye. I love that.

[Dan]

Another Dan and Phil moment. I was like, yeah, you got a trans girlfriend called Boxer Tissues.

[Phil]

Excellent.

[Dan]

The cat.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Again, pet play. No. You adopted box of tissues.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

No, you didn't adopt a box of. You adopted box of tissues.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Yeah. Don't buy secondhand boxes of tissues. Okay.

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Adopt, don't shop. Apart from when it comes to tissues, please shop.

[Phil]

Buy your tissues.

[Dan]

Good luck with your cat. It sounds like you're gonna have a nice life.

[Phil]

And the biggest fact about us is we love cats. Next.

[Dan]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Nastasia from London and my

[Phil]

mother Stephanie has a message.

[Dan]

Uh.

[Phil]

Oh, hi, Dan and Howell. I heard that you don't go out clubbing enough.

[Dan]

You'd like to drink some alcohol, you'd

[Phil]

like to do some dancing. Would you like to come to a heated rivalry club night with me?

[Dan]

We could dress up as land leopards.

[Phil]

Leopard, complete with whiskers. Bye. Okay, thanks. Please say yes. She's very lonely. Lonely woman. Love you guys. We got a cougar in our midst.

[Dan]

A cougar and a leopard, apparently.

[Phil]

Do you want to get your Hudson Williams on Land Leopard?

[Dan]

I'm the bland leopard.

[Phil]

Yes, I'm Land Leopard.

[Dan]

Still fight crime? You know, I'm working at it, actually. Working on my athleticism online. You can follow me. Land Leopard 43. Land Leopard was taken. That's a suggestion right there. Am I allowed to say no to that?

[Phil]

I think it'd suit You. I think you need to go to the party.

[Dan]

Horny fillers not on fire. That's what that is.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Land leopard.

[Phil]

How are we gonna pre game? Why wasn't I invited, by the way?

[Dan]

You can come.

[Phil]

Should we get our hockey sticks out on instance? Yes.

[Dan]

Be careful.

[Phil]

Be careful.

[Dan]

Your mum sounds like she's having a great time.

[Phil]

Yeah. We're coming to the club.

[Dan]

We're going to the club next. Hi, I'm Laura. I'm from Essex and I'm hard launching. As much as I respect the Alphabet and every single letter is incredible, Q should not be where it is. Q should be at the back of the Alphabet with all the doth letters with X, y and Z.

[Phil]

That is so true.

[Dan]

Yeah. I can't describe it any other way. That is the most correct opinion I've ever heard in my life.

[Phil]

Q does not belong in the middle.

[Dan]

Wxyz. Q. What are you doing there? L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S. These are normal things. They're normal ones. If you're near P. P is the most boring normie letter ever. Yeah, like, imagine being called Quentin and then like, p. What the fuck?

[Phil]

Queef. Do you know, I feel like.

[Dan]

Did you pick up that I was roasting you there? No. You're called Phil.

[Phil]

Hey.

[Dan]

Yeah. Okay.

[Phil]

I didn't get that. I was just waiting to say queef. Do you know, I think that M is quite a goth letter.

[Dan]

M looks goth, but I think that W is goth. M is like the normie office worker version of it.

[Phil]

W is the wario of the M. But what if they're around Wicked witch. What if they were next to each other? I don't remember that. That's an old reference. Didn't stand the test of time, did it?

[Dan]

That died fast.

[Phil]

No, no.

[Dan]

People aren't gonna be remembering that in three years.

[Phil]

But if they were next to each other in the Alphabet, I think that would make more sense. And the D and the P could go together as well because they are the reflection of each other.

[Dan]

Like us, we're holding space. There's room between D and P. Dan

[Phil]

and Phil, destined to be together. Cause you're the D. You're the P. Flip them around.

[Dan]

Yin and yang.

[Phil]

Wicked witch.

[Dan]

Wait, how do we. Wait, how do I. Oh, don't make

[Phil]

me do things with my fingers.

[Dan]

No, do. Hey, wait. Hey.

[Phil]

I did it first. Is that 69? We did it wrong.

[Dan]

Looks like 69.

[Phil]

Should we go?

[Dan]

Yeah, I think so.

[Phil]

Okay. Thanks for joining us. If you want more of this, we're gonna be on Patreon where we're gonna

[Dan]

be discussing what's worse. This is gonna keep going.

[Phil]

I don't know how this is gonna get worse.

[Dan]

Four minutes of today.

[Phil]

Well, don't miss out if you Wanna join in. Patreon.com Dan and Phil, it's a great party time.

[Dan]

Thank you. We appreciate you supporting us because no one wants to advertise against the cheese uncensored.

[Phil]

Dan and Phil except for maybe the

[Dan]

cheese costume, which was still heavily censored.

[Phil]

The folge stays in your censored.

[Dan]

Well, speaking of that, I hope you get through the week. Thanks for joining us and we'll see you next Monday.

[Phil]

Bye.

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[Dan]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Phil]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on

[Dan]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married.

[Phil]

Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Dan]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Phil]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.