Did we secretly make out while filming our first video?

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Did we secretly make out while filming our first video?
Release Date: December 15, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Podcast Theme: Unfiltered, comedic oversharing on life, love, and internet culture.

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Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, Dan and Phil dive into everything from accidental near-drug deals to the mythology around their early videos, the pain of December birthdays, working in retail, and wild listener confessions. With laughter, irreverence, and plenty of innuendo, the duo peel back layers of internet rumors, personal mishaps, and the chaotic realities of living and working together. As always, no subject is off-limits, and their signature banter delivers both relatable grievances and absurd anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Phil's "Party" Invitation Gone Wrong

[00:55 – 02:13]

• Phil shares how the electricity meter man invited him to "party" by giving him a business card with his WhatsApp.
• Dan immediately calls out the situation:
  • Dan: “Phil, that was a drug dealer.”
• Phil's naivety and Dan's exasperation set the comedic tone for the episode.
  • Phil: "I thought he thought I was fun."
  • Dan: "I'm glad that I'm here to protect you from strange men."

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2. Domestic Dispute: The Christmas Market Coffee Debacle

[02:38 – 05:41]

• Dan and Phil rehash a petty argument: Phil offered Dan coffee, Dan declined, but got jealous over Phil’s fancy seasonal cup.
• Accusations of "gaslighting" abound, followed by a half-hearted apology.
  • Dan: “This is why I like to dub Phil the Accidental Gaslighter.” [04:47]
  • Phil: “I was just very, very confident about it because I misremembered.” [05:06]
• Ends with a promise of reindeer coffee and a chirpy “Divorce.”

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3. The Normalcy of Arguments & Taylor/Travis Discourse

[05:47 – 08:12]

• They compare their own bickering to the internet narrative around Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce claiming never to argue.
  • Dan: “We have fights on the daily. We just have irrelevant BS.” [06:33]
• Poke fun at the fantasy of perfect relationships.

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4. Listener Loyalty and Podcast Habits

[06:37 – 07:29]

• Reveal that their listeners outlast nearly all other podcasts in terms of listening duration (marathon audience).
  • Dan: “People do not stop listening to Hard Launch with Dan and Phil.” [07:08]
• Joke that listening while sleeping will lead to dreams about "piss" and ruined mattresses.

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5. Discovering the "Lost" Hard Drive: Embarrassing Footage & Urban Legends

[09:22 – 14:07]

• Phil finds an old hard drive with:
  • Naked Dan-in-the-shower footage from the "Dan is not on fire" era (“full frontal” as described by Phil).
  • A scrapped, scandalously crude VR golf video too innuendo-laden for the sponsor.
    • Phil: “I love aiming for the hole, watch out for the rim, putt in the butt, et cetera.” [12:09]
  • The only audience for these: the trash bin and perhaps a Cancer Research UK outlet shop.
• Discuss the fandom myth: Did Dan and Phil "make out" or have sex during their early videos?
  • Dan: “No, people just itched their faces, guys.” [13:38]
  • Phil: “Imagine that scenario happening while wearing whiskers. Sorry, not a very sexy situation.” [13:54]

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6. Filming “Capsule vs. Penthouse” & Rich People Problems

[14:07 – 16:58]

• Breakdown of their recent video: contrasting Phil’s lonely luxury penthouse with Dan’s capsule hotel.
• Anecdotes about being offered a private chef and a Rolls Royce — both more awkward than impressive.
• Dan jokes about selling out for Four Seasons endorsements.
  • Dan: “Welcome to Hard Launch, sponsored by Four Seasons.” [16:20]

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7. Perks of (Internet) Fame: Freebies, Upgrades, & Vegas

[18:07 – 22:15]

• The evolution from being accosted by fans in Asda to getting free drinks at bars, sometimes of dubious quality (Dan: “It tasted like paint stripper and tears.” [19:55]).
• Vegas story: A Bellagio front desk fan upgrades them to a penthouse suite (and mysterious mention of a “dog-related situation” in the suite).
  • Dan: “This was worth the time we got doxed on Tumblr.” [20:38]
  • Phil: “It was a four bedroom suite, which I felt like Dan and Phil did not utilize to its full potential. You know what I mean?” [20:52]

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8. “Phil’s Segment” Gets a Name: “Here’s The Thing”

[22:18 – 23:21]

• Listener poll results officially title Phil’s bizarre internet news feature: “Here’s The Thing.”

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9. Phil’s “Here’s The Thing”: Wild News Stories

[23:38 – 25:53]

• World’s smallest horse, Pamuckle (21 inches long, “fits in a wheelbarrow — like a hamster”), baffles Dan.
• Drunk raccoon in Virginia, passed out after sampling every type of liquor — gets Dan’s approval for “relatability.”
• Man in New Zealand swallows a £19,000 Fabergé egg from a jewelry shop; police await its… return.
  • Dan: “It was the ultimate biological heist.” [25:17]

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10. Phil’s Real-Life “Back Egg” Twitter Antics

[25:59 – 29:20]

• Phil recounts accidentally creating a viral moment by making fun of "back egg" jewelry (a backwards necklace) on Twitter, leading to a brand flailing for relevance.
  • Dan: “I'd love to see you in a backless dress with an octopussy egg swinging from your butt crack.” [29:15]
  • Phil: “Hit me up. I'll swing that from anywhere.” [29:20]

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11. Random Topic Generator: “Lumberjacks”

[29:45 – 32:14]

• Quickfire banter about whether Dan or Phil could handle lumberjacking.
• Sympathetic ode to Phil’s 2010s plaid shirt era and Dan’s emo boy appeal (“The bar is low. Never give up, people.” [30:52])
• Phil proposes an “army of beavers” to do the job for them.
• Morbid musings on icicles as perfect crime weapons.

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12. Hard Launches from Listeners: Voicemails & Life Declared

[33:00 – 38:19] Four entertaining and heartfelt voice notes:

1. Char bans heterosexual sex in March to protest her December birthday
   • Dan and Phil riff on the statistics of conception and the ethics of December birthdays.
2. Lucy from Cornwall’s retail/hospitality work proposal:
   • Universal agreement: everyone should experience customer service.
   • Dan reminisces about selling an axe to a child and endangering customers (“Old Dan Law”). [36:04]
3. Edith and Amelia’s “non-relationship” situationship:
   • Living proof that you can share a life and never, in their words, “fuck.”
     • Phil: “And if it’s working without introducing sex in the mix, maybe you shouldn’t spoil what you got going on.” [37:28]
4. Izzy’s partner Callum is cancer-free post-surgery:
   • A genuinely wholesome, heartwarming moment that lifts the mood.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Phil: “I don’t want to buy meth.” [01:58]
• Dan: “Sharing is caring. Too little too late.” [05:41]
• Dan: “People do not stop listening to Hard Launch with Dan and Phil.” [07:08]
• Phil: “It was your dick and a load of balls, a load of holes, and something that will never be seen.” [12:48]
• Dan on fan theories: “No, people just itched their faces, guys.” [13:38]
• Dan: “It tasted like paint stripper and tears.” [19:55]
• Dan: “This was worth the time that we got doxed on Tumblr.” [20:38]
• Phil (on lumberjack aesthetics): “Because I wanted to attract an emo boy. And look who I got.” [30:35]
• Dan: “The bar is low. Never give up, people.” [30:52]
• Dan: “I think I just experience happiness for the first time.” [32:26]
• Phil: “Hit me up. I'll swing that from anywhere.” [29:20]
• Phil (on listener situationship): “And if it’s working without introducing sex in the mix, maybe you shouldn’t spoil what you got going on.” [37:28]

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Tone and Style

• Language: Candid, cheeky, self-deprecating, occasionally irreverent.
• Chemistry: Dan and Phil’s “domestic bullshit” and playful bickering drive the episode.
• Style: Stream-of-consciousness; stories are woven with callbacks to earlier in the show and frequent mutual teasing.

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Timestamps - Important Segments

• Phil’s party card confusion (drug dealer): [00:55 – 02:13]
• Christmas market coffee tale: [02:38 – 05:41]
• Gaslighting debate and apology: [04:47]
• Taylor/Travis & arguing in relationships: [05:47 – 08:12]
• Listener loyalty/stats: [06:37 – 07:29]
• Hard drive revelations (illustrative of lost/rumored videos): [09:22 – 14:07]
• Fans' “Did they make out while filming” myth: [13:29 – 13:54]
• Capsule vs. penthouse, private chef awkwardness: [14:07 – 16:58]
• Vegas suite upgrade & doxing payoff: [20:08 – 20:52]
• Listener segment “Here’s The Thing” news stories: [23:35 – 25:53]
• Lumberjack random topic & Dan’s “happiness” fantasy: [29:45 – 32:26]
• Listener hard launches (gems: March sex ban, retail work requirement, “non-relationship” voicemail, Callum cancer-free): [33:00 – 38:19]

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Conclusion

This episode demonstrates Dan and Phil’s effortless knack for transforming the mundane and embarrassing into uproarious, relatable content.

• They candidly debunk fan myths about their past, embrace the quirks of middle-aged internet fame, and warmly interact with their community.
• Whether riffing on awkward luxury experiences, disastrous old footage, or the joys and weirdness of friendship, their dynamic energy and unvarnished honesty shine throughout.
• They end on a high note, celebrating good health, mocking old superstitions, and inviting listeners to keep participating in their new "hard launch" era.

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To get even more chaos: Visit their Patreon for extended content and extra stories.

Transcript

[Advertiser/Announcer]

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[Dan Howell]

This episode is brought to you by Jack Daniels. Jack Daniels and music are made for each other. They share a rhythm in the craft of making something timeless while being a part of legendary nights. From backyard jams to sold out arenas, there's a song in every toast. Please drink responsibly. Responsibility.org, jack Daniels and Old no. 7 are registered trademarks. Tennessee whiskey, 40% alcohol by volume. Jack Daniel Distillery, Lynchburg, Tennessee.

[Phil Lester]

I'm in a good mood today.

[Dan Howell]

Why, Philip?

[Phil Lester]

Because I got invited to a party.

[Dan Howell]

When?

[Phil Lester]

This morning.

[Dan Howell]

What do you mean? When this morning did you get invited to a party?

[Phil Lester]

When you were in the shower. The guy came to look at the electricity meter. He asked me if I like to party, and I was like, yeah. And then he handed me this card with his WhatsApp on it.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so. Wait, wait. Sorry. No, we need to rewind here.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

A man we don't know came into our house. How soon into the conversation did he.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, we had, like, a bit of small talk.

[Dan Howell]

You were doing some friendly band.

[Phil Lester]

And he said he liked the look of the home renovation.

[Dan Howell]

Nice.

[Phil Lester]

And he said that I looked like someone that liked to party. I was like, yeah, I don't mind a party. And then he handed me a card with his. Look, I got a little special party card. What?

[Dan Howell]

Phil, that was a drug dealer. No, no, it wasn't. Are you joking?

[Phil Lester]

I thought he thought I was fun.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Did he say, do you like to party or do you want to come to a party?

[Phil Lester]

He said, do I like to party? Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Sweet little egg. Oh, no, no.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to buy meth.

[Dan Howell]

People that want to invite you to a shindig don't give you a business card with a WhatsApp number on it.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I thought you just thought I was cool.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, no. I wasn't giving you the business card back. I was just doing a slow pat.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe I want it back.

[Dan Howell]

You're annoying enough. Phil, we really don't need. We don't need the help. I'm so sorry. You are cool enough to invite to a party. That is not what happened to you this morning. Oh, and I'm glad that I'm here to protect you from strange Men, when you watch that crazy podcast episode, you know who we called?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Woo.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Three, two.

[Dan Howell]

Immediately. I need the audience to settle a fight that happened between us. That's right. You are dragged into Dan and F. Phil's domestic bullshit.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, great.

[Dan Howell]

He gaslit me earlier.

[Phil Lester]

No, I didn't.

[Dan Howell]

You did again. No, I. Fuck, no.

[Phil Lester]

No, I know I didn't.

[Dan Howell]

That didn't take long, did it?

[Phil Lester]

I know I didn't, and you're remembering it wrong.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, really? All right, go on, Phil. Tell me your version of events.

[Phil Lester]

Here's the situation I'm going to.

[Dan Howell]

It's not a thing. It's a situation. Jesus.

[Phil Lester]

It's gonna be a situation ship, if you're not careful. I went to the Christmas market. That's nearby.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

And I was on my way and I said, dan, would you like a coffee? And Dan says, no.

[Dan Howell]

See here. Yeah, okay. Objection, but continue.

[Phil Lester]

Dan says, no, I get myself a maple cinnamon coffee with loads of cream and little reindeer on it.

[Dan Howell]

It was a real festive market experience.

[Phil Lester]

It was.

[Dan Howell]

That thing cost how much?

[Phil Lester]

Like £7, probably.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I come back from the market, holding my delicious coffee. Dan looks at it and goes, why didn't you get me one of those guys?

[Dan Howell]

I feel like if you say to someone, I'm grabbing a coffee, do you want something? You imagine McCafe. You're not thinking, I'm about to Dr. 9 pound 27 on a festive pint of bullshit. That would absolutely improve my day. So I said to Phil, you should have told me. I did not know that you were at a market. I did not know that there was a seasonal special. I did not know that you knew.

[Phil Lester]

I was going to a Christmas market.

[Dan Howell]

I googled it. And they said they had a Mexican hot chocolate on the menu.

[Phil Lester]

They did. You said you didn't want anything.

[Dan Howell]

You said, do you want a coffee? And you ended the conversation.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, chat. Listen, I'm going to the Christmas market. Dan knows this evidence. Fact one. Fact two, it's so bustly and busy, I can't just pause the massive queue and go, hang on. I'm gonna call Dan again and check if he actually wants a coffee. Oh, he's already said no, so I'm just gonna get myself one irrelevant peppering.

[Dan Howell]

Of lies and excuses, conjecture.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I'm right.

[Dan Howell]

No, you're not. Because then I said, well, why didn't you say that? And you went, I did tell you.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

And then I said, no, you didn't. You 100% did not tell me there was an exciting festive special. And then you said, oh, yeah, I forgot.

[Phil Lester]

I did.

[Dan Howell]

And this is why I like to dub Phil the Accidental Gaslighter. Cause he will look at you in your eye and go, single eye. He plucked the other one out. Oh, and say that did not happen. And then when you question him after 30 minutes of violent fighting, he'll go, oh, yeah, I've now just remembered it differently.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And then your angle is. It's not bad. Because I didn't intend to lie. I was just very, very confident about it because I misremembered. But I'm saying that doesn't matter.

[Phil Lester]

No. Give me your little finger. Dan, I'm sorry for.

[Dan Howell]

Stop shaking that thing.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry for not.

[Dan Howell]

I know. A pensive, soft. Still take this seriously.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry for not getting you a fancy coffee.

[Dan Howell]

And when I asked you why you didn't.

[Phil Lester]

For saying that, you did.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

But I did let you slurp out of my coffee, and you had half of it anyway, so that was nice of me.

[Dan Howell]

Sharing is caring. Too little too late.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it was creamy and delicious. I will get you a reindeer coffee next time.

[Dan Howell]

Divorce. Speaking of other liars, Travis and Taylor said that they've never argued.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, the number one rule of anything on the Internet is don't say anything bad about Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift and so do.

[Dan Howell]

Most of our audience. According to the Spotify wrapped for creators.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So to the over 50% of listeners that listen to Taylor Swift, because most people on earth do. I'm joking. Love is real. In fact, only their love is real.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

They have never argued.

[Phil Lester]

No. As we know in the press, they like to take things out of context. So I'm sure there was some kind of out of context situation. But they said they've never had a fight, or Travis said they'd never had a fight before.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, said the messiest couple on Facebook that you've ever been friends with.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like everyone must have fights.

[Dan Howell]

We have fights on the daily. We just have irrelevant bs.

[Phil Lester]

We just had one in front of the world.

[Dan Howell]

You said you'd unstack the dishwasher. What the fuck? Divorce. Whoa. Exactly. And it's just a part of life. It's relatable. The other thing that we learned, Dan and Phil, Hard launch podcast is a marathon show. And I was like, what does that mean? It means that our audience does exercise. No, it means that you listen to this on average, longer than 99% of people listen to any other podcast on Spotify.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

They're in it for the long haul against all the odds. I feel like you're making rain, snow, or piss. People do not stop listening to Hard launch with Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Is that not melting your brain slightly?

[Dan Howell]

You're in it to the end. So thank you to everybody that has joined us for nine weeks of piss.

[Phil Lester]

I just hope no one is sleeping with this on because I think it's gonna do irreparable damage to your brain.

[Dan Howell]

100%. I understand having your comfort listen to send you off to sleep, but we do need to talk about the devastating psychological impact.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, and we say piss so much, people are just gonna be wetting themselves in the night. 100% sodden mattresses.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. Travis. I think it's normal to argue.

[Phil Lester]

I think it is normal to argue. I'm sure Taylor and Travis have had a mild disagreement about something.

[Dan Howell]

Which yacht to get on.

[Phil Lester]

Which yacht?

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, Jet, let's not over exaggerate. Let's stick to the facts.

[Phil Lester]

Or it could be something small and domestic like. You left the cupboard door open, Taylor.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, they don't have cupboards.

[Phil Lester]

What do they have?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. Just like unimaginable expanse. They have just a prisms. Maybe they're a single teabag on them.

[Phil Lester]

They shake it off and then everything's okay. That was terrible.

[Dan Howell]

Achoo.

[Phil Lester]

Achoo.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, I'm just allergic to the dust of that reference. You just lost it.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Fine.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

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[Dan Howell]

Mm.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Belgian chocolates for the neighbor. A cozy scarf for your boss. And a wool jacket for your husband that you definitely did not almost forget. Marshalls, we get the deals. You give the good stuff, even at the last minute.

[Dan Howell]

Phew.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Find a Marshall's near you.

[Phil Lester]

I found an old hard drive which had some incriminating things on it. Dan. Whose? Well, we've got this when.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry. You have no idea how terrifying that is to me. That could mean so much.

[Phil Lester]

We've got a junk drawer.

[Dan Howell]

We have a stuff drawer.

[Phil Lester]

Junk drawer that we're trying to sort out.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Me trying to cope and say that it's stuff. It's junk.

[Phil Lester]

And I almost just threw the hard drive in the bin because it's one of those old ones with an old usb. And I was like, actually, I'm just gonna have a look.

[Dan Howell]

Feels like if you're old enough to have a usb, a, you're not even valid anymore. Get in the trash.

[Phil Lester]

What is on there? There's some footage from the Dan is not on fire era. Haunting where Dan had filmed himself in the shower completely naked, thinking, that is.

[Dan Howell]

Some shit I would have done in 2014.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna censor over my zone. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I think I put a black square that said unbelievably censored over my naked body.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Well, it was not for me and it wouldn't be for everyone. Just dug that out of the trash heap when we put it in the bin. Your nudes would have been.

[Dan Howell]

It would have been in the fricking Cancer Research uk. Yes. Oh, my Lord. What did you get today? I got Stranger Things 1 on DVD and Dan's dick. Ancient Dan is not on fire. Bath penis.

[Phil Lester]

It was fully straight on as well. Full frontal. Not like a. Please stop describing tasteful sideways angle.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah. No Foggy mirror.

[Phil Lester]

And the other thing I distinctly.

[Dan Howell]

Clear and disturbing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. So that was a lot for my morning brows. And then the other thing, I thought.

[Dan Howell]

This was my hard drive and you weren't supposed to open that.

[Phil Lester]

Well, we've been putting loads of things on it. I just realized another thing. Remember when we filmed that VR video that never got released to the public?

[Dan Howell]

Are we allowed to talk about that? No.

[Phil Lester]

So I'm gonna be very careful about how I describe this.

[Dan Howell]

Ah, it's time for Dan and Phil's litigious story.

[Phil Lester]

Yay. Phil and VR do not mix well together. So the footage is of me, L lying on the floor sweating.

[Dan Howell]

Phil gets dizzy. He gets motion sickness.

[Phil Lester]

It was.

[Dan Howell]

Some people need their sea legs if you haven't tried it for some people VR the moment you put it on, you just go, God doesn't want me to live through this. Absolutely not. I'm not built for this. I have not evolved for this. My ancestors said, get off the sea.

[Phil Lester]

There was something about this game as well.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil was being paid to love this VR game.

[Phil Lester]

And if you look at the footage you can just see the sweat forming on my face. I'm like, it's so much fun.

[Dan Howell]

I would say that we set out to create a funny 16 minute. We filmed for about two and a half hours because every 30 seconds, Phil said, I have to lie down. Yeah, you stood up for one second and went, woo, I'm having fun.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

And then, yeah, the sweating.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna say what kind of game it was. It was a golf game.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. And again, so vague, so wide. This will never come back to us.

[Phil Lester]

The company did not want us to post it because we were too crude.

[Dan Howell]

Now, I don't think that Dan and Phil are that inappropriate. People are scoffing as they piss in bed listening to this right now. What they said was, we too sexually inappropriate because our language was too bad.

[Phil Lester]

I love aiming for the whole, watch out for the rim, putt in the butt, et cetera. That's only rude if you think it is rude. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Relentless, devastating, unstoppable innuendo.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And apparently they just said, this is uncensorable. This is uneditable.

[Phil Lester]

So they said, as long as you delete this, never show anyone the footage. We're gonna pay you anyway. So I was like, okay.

[Dan Howell]

They paid us to bury the footage. We buried it because apparently just us talking about, like, uh, oh, that one went straight in the hole. Would have just taken down the brand.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. So you're never gonna see it. That is the lost Dan and Phil video.

[Dan Howell]

So that and my dick.

[Phil Lester]

It was your dick and a load of balls, a load of holes, and something that will never be seen. A very sweaty fill.

[Dan Howell]

Where is this object?

[Phil Lester]

I've deleted everything.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I need to smash it. Where is the object?

[Phil Lester]

The object?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, the hard drive.

[Phil Lester]

It's in Cancer Research uk. I did erase it.

[Dan Howell]

It's still in the house, isn't it? Yeah, I think it's in the junk drawer.

[Phil Lester]

It's in the junk drawer.

[Dan Howell]

Why would you joke?

[Phil Lester]

I just.

[Dan Howell]

You like causing me anxiety.

[Phil Lester]

I like causing you anxiety.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Aw.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

People always have this conspiracy theory of, oh, I wonder what all the videos that people filmed over the years and deleted were thinking about. All of those secret ancient Dan and Phil videos where it ended in a crazy, you like to party situation.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh. Have you seen the one that's like, we're in Phil is not on fire. And then my nose gets rubbed off. And they're like, obviously they had sex in the middle of the video.

[Dan Howell]

No, people just itched their faces, guys.

[Phil Lester]

To be fair, though, A pillow does appear, just like in the headboard. And everyone's like, what happened there?

[Dan Howell]

I don't remember that. So either it was so fucking good I blacked out or that didn't happen. I think also, I think it didn't happen.

[Phil Lester]

I can't imagine. Imagine that scenario happening while wearing whiskers. I'm sorry. It's not a very sexy situation.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sure for some people out there, that is peak. Actually, no, it would take me out of it 100%.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of recent videos, we posted our hotel video Dan in a capsule. Fill in a penthouse how it should be at all times, until we ruined.

[Dan Howell]

It because we set up a whole idea for a video where I stay in a cheap hotel. And then we said, I'm bored and lonely. Come stay in the fun one.

[Phil Lester]

Of course I was lonely. It was a mansion and I was all by myself. I was like, hello. Hello, Hello. Do you know they offered me a private chef? Imagine if it was just me and a chef. Imagine that.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, cool. Yes, wonderful. I'm gonna be real.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Having a private chef sounds like the most awkward fucking thing in the entire world.

[Phil Lester]

That's what I thought. I was like, if it's just me and Jamie the chef.

[Dan Howell]

Just you alone in a hotel room with a private chef. Yeah. What are they gonna do the whole day after you've had your spaghetti?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And he's like, what am I gonna cook you up today, Phil?

[Dan Howell]

And they're probably gonna make a fucking TikTok about it as well.

[Phil Lester]

They might do.

[Dan Howell]

Have you ever seen a private chef? That's like, here's what I made for my Beverly Hill. Who's a complete fucking bitch. Like, I don't want that. It's the whole below deck thing. Never be a rich asshole because then the people working for you will just talk mad shit. No.

[Phil Lester]

And also, my tastes aren't with the like, jus and dust and caviar.

[Dan Howell]

No, you're like, mao am.

[Phil Lester]

You're like Haribo. Can you make me some chicken tendies? Yeah, yeah, please.

[Dan Howell]

I want Froot Loops and tendies, please. And a big Ribena.

[Phil Lester]

Could have been a hot chef.

[Dan Howell]

Why does your mind always go to what if person providing service but porn?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna plaster my walls.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I've got a healthy attitude.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna get invited to the party by the guy looking in my boiler cupboard at the electric meter.

[Phil Lester]

He had a good look in my boiler cupboard. You liked what you saw. And they also offered me a Rolls Royce to Drive around London in. Oh God, not me driving, obviously. Cause I would have killed eight pedestrians 100%.

[Dan Howell]

That would have been on the news.

[Phil Lester]

But again, I know London cause I live in it. So it's not like I'm a tourist being like, oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, a bridge, a pigeon, some shit on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Anyway, didn't take them up on that. I wanna wear a robe, get some rune service.

[Dan Howell]

So in this video, I wanted to be a bit more like, wow, the gratuitous display of wealth is quite ostentatious. And then Phil said, I think we should talk less shit because I've gotten in with the Four Seasons now and I want a free holiday to Maui.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine that. The Four Seasons like us. What if they could just like, sponsor a load of holidays?

[Dan Howell]

Welcome to hard launch, sponsored by the Four Seasons. Today's podcast episode's coming from the place where they filmed White Lotus and Phil doesn't give a fuck.

[Phil Lester]

So if everyone could go back to that video and just comment, wow, it'd be great if I could see more. Four Seasons.

[Dan Howell]

Who wants to go to the Four Seasons? London, U.S. thailand. Yeah, should we do that? Do you see how easy it is, guys to just forget where you came from?

[Phil Lester]

Do you want to stay in the capsule?

[Dan Howell]

There was nothing wrong with the humble capsule.

[Phil Lester]

I know. But if you had the choice and wanted to join me in Thailand in February, Four Seasons style. Yeah, for free. Just post on Instagram. In a hat. Outdoor shower.

[Dan Howell]

Outdoor shower.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, you've got to get the.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want a monkey grabbing me while I'm scrubbing.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

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[Phil Lester]

I'm drooping.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, sorry, I'm just for the listeners. When Phil says he's drooping, he means he adjusted his microphone stand to be lower and he's raising it.

[Phil Lester]

If it sounded like I was far away, it's because the microphone went into my.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah. Suddenly Phil's far away, and he's saying that he's drooping on the podcast. Dear God. Maybe I won't tune into the YouTube upload of this one.

[Phil Lester]

That's better.

[Dan Howell]

You cranked it.

[Phil Lester]

Cranked up.

[Dan Howell]

I'm actually grateful. Why this December season? Because we played the long game, not just in regards to our relationship and surviving the Tumblr era to be where we are now and hard launch and live in confident peace, but also our audience, because we have finally reaped the seeds that we have sown, which might have sounded like something horrible is happening to us. After years of just, you know, people screaming at us between the shelves in an Asda, we've now got people that give us free drinks and bars.

[Phil Lester]

I love that when someone recognizes us and they say, hey, do you want this thing?

[Dan Howell]

I'm like, this is it.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Finally, it's all coming. And I'm not to say that you should all base your careers around eventually getting a free drink, but I'm just saying I appreciate it.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We went to a place the other night. Boy came up to me and was like, dan and Phil, here's your drinks, Dan. You ordered a gin and tonic. Made it a double, and I was like, thank you. Tasted like fucking shit.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like, yeah, double gin is.

[Dan Howell]

A lot of gin when you're 22. Time is money. The more alcohol in the glass, the better. We were with Phil's parents.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

We weren't getting lit. Okay. We were having, like, a bowl of crisps and a gin and tonic. And then I took a sip of it, and I was like, I saw God.

[Phil Lester]

You told my parents things they'd never thought they'd hear.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, sorry about that. Let me tell you about what I did in the bath in 2014.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

It's on a hard drive somewhere. Not anymore, but I looked at him in the eyes, and you're probably watching this podcast, and I said, thank you so much.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you for this free.

[Dan Howell]

What I think was a quadruple gin and tonic that tasted like paint stripper and tears.

[Phil Lester]

I've always been a blagger at heart, though. I love a freebie. What's the best one we've ever Got like something.

[Dan Howell]

Vegas hotel.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. The Vegas one thing.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil 2019 just came out as gay. Go to VidCon. Go to Vegas afterwards. We turn up at the Bellagio. Guy behind the front desk goes, I grew up watching you. And he's employed.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Never tell anybody what you can't be.

[Phil Lester]

We were gonna stay in a standard.

[Dan Howell]

Room because Vegas is not about having a good room. It's about leaving the room to then waste all your money on slot machines.

[Phil Lester]

He upgraded us to the very top of the Bellagio.

[Dan Howell]

He said, there's nobody staying in one of the penthouse suites tonight. I'm just gonna give it to you. Dan and Phil. And I was like, this was worth the time that we got doxed on Tumblr. It was, yeah. I forgot. Enough time has passed. It's worth it.

[Phil Lester]

It was so worth it. It was a four bedroom suite, which I felt like Dan and Phil did not utilize to its full potential. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Because we got no fucking friends. It was just me and you in a four bedroom hotel suite.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like some parties have happened in there.

[Dan Howell]

It was meant to be a hangover situation. It was meant to be a. Someone's come to look at your electrical products. Thank God We've got the WhatsApp business card.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. The only thing that was a bit of a sus situation. He said, you're gonna have to wait a bit longer for the room because there was a dog related situation in there and we've got to clean it. So I'm like, what happened with the dog in there and why are we.

[Dan Howell]

Cleaning it in Vegas?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to know.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. But it was great. We've actually got a video tour of that. Should we just whack that on Patreon tomorrow just so people can see it? If you want to watch us walking.

[Dan Howell]

Around a hilariously oversized penthouse in the year of our Lord 2019, you go.

[Phil Lester]

To patreon.com dannenfield Are we just Hotel Influen? Is that what we're doing?

[Dan Howell]

You just spat on my hand.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like you'll never have a career as a hotel reviewer, though. If you only want to be nice about the things that you're reviewing so you can get free things. I think you need to be open to being a YouTuber that bees like. I stayed at the Mandarin Oriental. Disgusting. Okay, so people like that more.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

I went to go eat at Gordon Ramsay. Disappointing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. People like a good movie.

[Dan Howell]

People love that. Shit. Alright, no one wants to watch. I had a nice time.

[Phil Lester]

Fine. The four Seasons should have given us free popcorn. It was eight pounds.

[Dan Howell]

Ew. You're not gonna be invited back now.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Say goodbye to Tyler.

[Phil Lester]

I regret it already.

[Dan Howell]

So, speaking of the Patreon, we asked you guys to get involved with a very, very, very important moment.

[Phil Lester]

My segment.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's segment.

[Phil Lester]

I forgot about my segment where he.

[Dan Howell]

Gets to talk about weird shit that he's seen on the Internet. Because, you know, this podcast in general is weird shit on the Internet. We are the weird shit.

[Phil Lester]

It's my news segment.

[Dan Howell]

The shortlist was Piss Phil's incredible story Scoop, which got 26% of the vote. Then we have the Humble News Flash coming in with 12. It was cute. I think the problem is the audience is too deranged. Filling you in. So near yet so far with 25%.

[Phil Lester]

That was a good one.

[Dan Howell]

And who can do the math?

[Phil Lester]

Not me.

[Dan Howell]

We're all dumb bitches right now, aren't we? That's right. In first place with a whopping 37%. Your new segment is cooled.

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. I like it. Yes. Which came from Roundhouse 2616.

[Dan Howell]

You saved us. You saved us from the piss.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. And if you're wondering why it's called that, it's because I say, here's the thing. Way too much.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I think that we should get a jazzy intro made for it.

[Phil Lester]

And a song.

[Dan Howell]

Pretend song. Maybe you get a sound effect.

[Phil Lester]

Make me a song. Now.

[Dan Howell]

No. So, Phil, pretend you're a news anchor.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

This is your moment, news wanker.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. What's 21 inches long?

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck? That's not how we're starting this.

[Phil Lester]

It is. It's a horse called Pamuckle. The smallest horse in the world.

[Dan Howell]

Did I die? Am I in hell?

[Phil Lester]

The smallest horse in the world has been found.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Found?

[Dan Howell]

Was it lost?

[Phil Lester]

Apparently.

[Dan Howell]

You mean like someone has certified that.

[Phil Lester]

It is the world's shortest horse and measured the horse? It can fit in a wheelbarrow. It's like a hamster.

[Dan Howell]

Wheelbarrows. That's how we're measuring stuff now? Like a hamster. How fucking big are hamsters in your world?

[Phil Lester]

Not as big as this horse.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Would you be excited to own this horse?

[Dan Howell]

No. I wouldn't know what the hell to do with a tiny horse.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, Teddy is the favorite tiny horse that we ever hung out with.

[Dan Howell]

But Pumo Klee is a beautiful tiny stallion.

[Phil Lester]

In other news, a drunk raccoon has been Found in Vid, Virginia, passed out on the bathroom floor.

[Dan Howell]

Quite relatable. I liked that one, actually. I saw it face down in a public bathroom Friday night. Am I right, brother? But then the pictures of the aisle. I was thinking, how is it drunk? And then I saw, oh, it smashed every kind of liquor, about 15 types of beers. It made a Long island iced tea. And it has had a night.

[Phil Lester]

That is a raccoon that's gonna have some stories.

[Dan Howell]

That raccoon likes to party. He hit up the WhatsApp.

[Phil Lester]

We should give him the card.

[Dan Howell]

He needs the card 100%.

[Phil Lester]

And in New Zealand, a man has been accused of eating a egg.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

What?

[Phil Lester]

It's a very fancy egg.

[Dan Howell]

The luxury jewelry. Aren't they worth like thousands of dollars?

[Phil Lester]

Like £19,000? This one. It was a special Faberge egg inspired by the movie Octopussy. He put that in his mouth, swallowed it, and then the police.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that's ingenious. So his whole thing was, I'm gonna go into the store and rather than pocket it, I'm gonna swallow it. And then if nobody sees me, the perfect crime. In 24 hours, I will extract the jewels. And it was the ultimate biological heist.

[Phil Lester]

Apparently the police had to wait for it to be passed naturally.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit. Literally.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. What are they gonna do there?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, whoever that was does not get paid enough. What are they doing? They've got them in the local county jail and someone stood underneath them with a sieve just waiting for NATO to take its course.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

Are they going, here's some food that we found on the floor outside. Here's a kebab that we've left out. Here's some rice that we microwaved from yesterday.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Come on. Give me that.

[Phil Lester]

Just imagine into that jewelry shop and being like going to eat that chomp.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, boy, Dinner.

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember that egg thing that I got involved with?

[Dan Howell]

Yes, yes, I do. And when Phil Lester on the Hard Launch podcast says the sentence, do you remember that egg thing that I got involved with? I am curious as to where the mind of the humble listener goes. Does it go to a, Phil also attempt to steal a priceless jewel by swallowing it? B, he sucked up to some kind of luxury jewel brand in an attempt to get freebies. As we know, Phil likes to do the above.

[Phil Lester]

Basically, I saw a poster for a back egg, which was their new thing where you hang an egg from your back and it's like a 20,000 pound buckshot.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I think it's a type of jewelry that when women wear backless dresses or men. Absolutely. Alexander Skarsgrd. Get that back jewelry. No, this was a simpler time before that existed. It is a type of jewelry. You can have pendants that go backwards. It's a backward necklace. It draws men to the mysterious butt crack area. Oh, look down. Said, you know what the European princess with way too much money needs? Yes, they need a egg suspended on a long pendant, tastefully above their butt crack. And then Phil on Twitter went, it's a back egg.

[Phil Lester]

I tweeted, I would like a back egg for Christmas because it was and.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, Phil, to ruin your future sponsorship. Stupid as fuck. It looked stupid as fuck.

[Phil Lester]

People might be listening with back eggs.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Olibow.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry. I think there's a strong 0% of people with Faberge backaches listening to this right now.

[Phil Lester]

Here's when things got bizarre. Right Then replied, and you see, this.

[Dan Howell]

Was a big day for the Twitter account.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Because they had never had this much engagement ever. They logged on, they saw MazingPhil and a bunch of people with Louis Tomlinson icons going back egg. And they go, oh my God, we've made it. Because this was before business, social media, influencer culture. So the person who was running the on Twitter was like, I've made it. This is my day, I need to capitalize on this.

[Phil Lester]

But then they said that they were going to start a competition where someone had to design their own back egg.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, if you've got engagement, you need to do something to run with the moment that you created. Even if you were taking the picnic. Yes, it didn't matter.

[Phil Lester]

But the crossover between Phil and the.

[Dan Howell]

Fancy, the crossover between 14 year old Phil Lester fans and the customers of.

[Phil Lester]

Faberge, it's not really mixy things.

[Dan Howell]

And yet they were like, please, people, draw your own hashtag back eggs and tweet them at us. No competition.

[Phil Lester]

There was a competition to win 500 quid.

[Dan Howell]

Could have given someone a fucking egg.

[Phil Lester]

They DMed me saying, hey, do you want to come to the Faberge factory? And I was like, this has gone way too far. What is happening?

[Dan Howell]

You don't need to start. This came from a place of me saying, your product is silly and unnecessary in this world.

[Phil Lester]

I replied saying, yeah, I'll come to. And then they left me on red because I think they're like, this is too much. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Because whoever the social media person was, they went to their manager, the manager said, what the fuck have you been doing for the last 48 hours? Why have there been 10,000 tweets of back Eggs drawn by children around the world. This is gonna look like some kind of factory situation that we wanna distance ourselves from.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I feel like they needed more of an aspirational celebrity that than me to be the ambassador for Faberge.

[Dan Howell]

I'd love to see you in a backless dress with an octopusy egg swinging from your butt crack.

[Phil Lester]

Hit me up. I'll swing that from anywhere. Just let me know.

[Dan Howell]

Richard, help. There we go.

[Phil Lester]

Richard. Dan, you can get it today.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Cause you don't wanna stand. You've been too busy messing with your mic. Wait. Shit. Richard's not feeling festive.

[Phil Lester]

That's better.

[Dan Howell]

That'll do. Oh, the tension.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it's a pink one.

[Dan Howell]

It's a pink one. Get out.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Thanks. Okay, are you ready?

[Phil Lester]

I'm ready. What is it?

[Dan Howell]

The Random topic generator has assigned lumberjacks.

[Phil Lester]

Lumberjacks?

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Mmm.

[Phil Lester]

Would you be a lumberjack?

[Dan Howell]

I think I'd be shit at that. I have enough self awareness and honesty to go. That is not the job for Dan Howell.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, you can. Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

And yet that was the straightest thing I've ever done.

[Phil Lester]

That was so straight.

[Dan Howell]

Me, a fucking chainsaw. Vroom, vroom.

[Phil Lester]

Fuck you, nature rim rim. Is that the noise a lumberjack makes?

[Dan Howell]

That's the noise a chainsaw makes, right? I gaed it. I just gaed it straight away.

[Phil Lester]

You gayed it up?

[Dan Howell]

Fuck.

[Phil Lester]

You should wear more plaid. I think you would suit a, you know, a plaid shirt. Get an axe in your hand, grow a beard.

[Dan Howell]

That is iconic 2010 Phil Lester culture, though. The plaid shirts.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Why was your entire identity based around various shades of Top man plaid shirt?

[Phil Lester]

Because I wanted to attract an emo boy. And look who I got.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. I just read myself.

[Phil Lester]

You did?

[Dan Howell]

That's fucking devastating, isn't it?

[Phil Lester]

You wanted that.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what says aspirational? And I will dedicate six months of my life to stalking someone. A single pair of black skinny jeans and multiple identical flannels.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

The bar is low. Never give up, people.

[Phil Lester]

Don't do it. Do you know what I think lumberjacks should do?

[Dan Howell]

What does Phil Lester think lumberjacks should do?

[Phil Lester]

Train beavers. They could train an army of beavers who are gonna gnaw those trees down for them. And they could just sit having a little vodka and coke.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think you should combine drinking with lumberjacking.

[Phil Lester]

They don't have to do anything because the beavers are doing it.

[Dan Howell]

Isn't it sad to like, dam tease the beavers?

[Phil Lester]

Have you seen the Beaver that makes a dam out of toys that lives in a house.

[Dan Howell]

Get it in the fucking water.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Let it build the real dam.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Damn. Do you ever fantasize about. Stop.

[Phil Lester]

You said fantasize. You could have said. Think about Fantasize is like, he comes.

[Dan Howell]

To your house and says, do you like to party, Rim. Rim.

[Phil Lester]

Really wish. Really do I ever fantasize about abandoning.

[Dan Howell]

The people and commitments in your life to move to Alaska and become a lumberjack? Yes, I do. And we wonder why, like Dexter, we.

[Phil Lester]

Could kill someone and then go live in a forest.

[Dan Howell]

There's no we. There's just a me, and it's you. And that's when this will be taken over by someone else, and it'll become the Hard Launch true crime podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

Not the why he did it. The why was abundantly clear. It's more about the how. Oh, how did a man with so little physical coordination.

[Phil Lester]

Icicles. It's the perfect crime. But we talk a lot about Phil.

[Dan Howell]

We're not here to talk about your perfect murder weapons thing.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Kill someone with the icicle. It melts. There's no fingerprints.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

No, nothing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we talk about Phil.

[Dan Howell]

What other ways are there to perfectly murder people?

[Phil Lester]

No, we talk about Phil struggling when he's on his own. What about Dan? How do you cope if you are a lumberjack in a cabin?

[Dan Howell]

I think I just experience happiness for the first time.

[Phil Lester]

Would you not miss me in this?

[Dan Howell]

Stop blinking at me like that. Okay? I feel like we're being held hostage.

[Phil Lester]

No, would you?

[Dan Howell]

We're in a safe, honest place. Yeah, no blinking.

[Phil Lester]

How many trees would you chop before you miss Phil?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, one. One. Yeah. And then I'd be real sad and I'd come home.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks.

[Dan Howell]

Who knows Morse code? I was joking. That was blinking. Help me. I probably just said rim or something. Again.

[Phil Lester]

Rim. Rim. Speaking of needing more friends, here's some hard launches for us.

[Dan Howell]

We want to open this up to you. Not the relationship yet. Yet the podcast in terms of you sending in voice notes.

[Phil Lester]

Go.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Hi, danaphil. Hi, it's Char. And I'm hard launching a ban on heterosexual sex in March. Oh, having a birthday in December is the worst. There's too many seasonal holidays. Just because one guy 2000 years ago supposedly was born in December, suddenly the rest of us don't get a celebration because everyone groups it into Christmas. So no more straight sex in March.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, stop banging in March, everyone. I feel like I can see God.

[Dan Howell]

Should have thought about you when he had his plan for the world 100%.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think March is a sexy month? Would you bang more in March?

[Dan Howell]

What about March? Yes. Spring has sprung and so is.

[Phil Lester]

That's the thing. Rabbits are all shagging in March. Maybe there's some kind of inherent. Like, it's spring, sun's out.

[Dan Howell]

I've seen a daffodil. I mean, he's.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe we go into heat when we see the daffodil. Spring.

[Dan Howell]

Not we.

[Phil Lester]

No. Like people.

[Dan Howell]

I don't claim this.

[Phil Lester]

Humans horny March.

[Dan Howell]

Any horny marches in the chat, let us know. Let us know. But is it unethical to give someone December birthday? I'm gonna say yes. As someone who has to deal with the trauma of buying someone Christmas presents and then two weeks later having to buy them a fucking birthday present. It's like, oh, my God, I was just thoughtful. Now I have to be thoughtful again.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I mean, me as a January guy, Jesus has it bad. But for the December peeps, that's just harsh.

[Dan Howell]

June.

[Phil Lester]

That's good.

[Dan Howell]

Nailed it.

[Phil Lester]

So, my parents.

[Dan Howell]

I really don't want to work out when our parents fuck. Phil, I saw you thinking about that in your head.

[Phil Lester]

Mine's in April, which is my dad's birthday. When's yours, then?

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to think about this.

[Phil Lester]

Let's do it, though.

[Dan Howell]

Do the months backwards. Phil, come on. Brain test.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. May, April, March, February, January.

[Dan Howell]

That's fantastically interesting from an anthropological perspective.

[Phil Lester]

November, October, September.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so happy you took the time to work that out. I'm glad that I've unlocked that esoteric knowledge that really improved my day.

[Phil Lester]

What's interesting in September?

[Dan Howell]

The first crispy leaf. Gets you going.

[Phil Lester]

There we go.

[Dan Howell]

Textural sensation. I can relate to that.

[Phil Lester]

I loved that crunch. Let's make a baby.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Hey, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Lucy from Cornwall. And I'm hard launching that. I think it should be mandatory that everyone should do at least one year in retail or hospitality.

[Dan Howell]

Great idea.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Because everyone is an asshole when you work in retail.

[Dan Howell]

I think you have not had a Terry's Chocolate Orange thrown at your head. And you don't know what it is to be in society.

[Phil Lester]

So if you learn what people are like, you will have more empathy for the workers out there.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I'd like to think that humans have the ability to have basic respect and empathy for people without literally living a day in their shoes. But the bar is low.

[Phil Lester]

So low. Did you have anyone throw anything at you when you worked at Focus?

[Dan Howell]

No. But I did lie to several people and put them in danger. So maybe this is like a reverse situation.

[Phil Lester]

Even the scale.

[Dan Howell]

Old Dan Law for anyone new. Sold an axe to a child. Got fired. A lady once said, my sink has exploded. What should I buy? I panicked and just handed her a screw and said this. So she probably just applied it to her sink.

[Phil Lester]

Drowned in her kitchen.

[Dan Howell]

Family of eight died.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God. Next.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Hi, Dan and Phil. We're Edith and Amelia and we're here to hard luck, okay. That we're in the non relationship you pretended to be in for 16 years. When you pretended not to be in a relationship for 16 years, we felt seen because that's us. We lived together and had a sort of weird pseudo platonic soulmate situation, but never fucked. It would have made so much more sense if we fucked.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

And yet.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

And yet here we are.

[Phil Lester]

It's too long.

[Dan Howell]

Thank fuck.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

We're gonna pie.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

They like to party.

[Phil Lester]

They like to party. That was a lot of energy.

[Dan Howell]

Who's on the WhatsApp?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my goodness. Wow. Are they.

[Dan Howell]

Are they fucking or not? I need to know because that's what this sounded like was maybe that they're just friends, guys. I think you're just good friends. And is that okay or is it not okay? And they need to fuck right now?

[Phil Lester]

Well, maybe they need to hard launch now that we have just give it a go.

[Dan Howell]

Is that fucking with a ph? Have we coined that journey?

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm never coining that.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I think it's valid to be in a 16 year situationship whether it ends up being romantic or not.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I mean, at least you make each other happy, no matter what you're classifying it as.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe you should make each other slightly less happy from the giddiness of that.

[Phil Lester]

And if it's working without introducing sex in the mix, maybe you shouldn't spoil what you got going on, if you know what I mean.

[Dan Howell]

No rumbly tumblies. No, no.

[Phil Lester]

Or it could end up bumbly.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

That was a lot. I'd like to request another one.

[Phil Lester]

One more vibe.

[Dan Howell]

Reset.

[Phil Lester]

Let's reset the vibe.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Hi, I'm Izzy.

[Dan Howell]

Hi.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

I'd like to hard launch that. My partner Callum, after his surgery in January, had his six month check and he is still completely cancer free.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That's good news. Callum, wait, wait. Yay, Callum. We're glad you're feeling better. That is something wholesome and great.

[Dan Howell]

Good for you.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. A heartwarming conclusion that's given me a warm feeling.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. Good Health and best wishes to you. Thank you for saving the vibes.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. This has been a rollercoaster, hasn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Punching the things when I'm not holding it. That's like a bad luck thing.

[Dan Howell]

Don't care.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. They're not new shoes, they're dirty shoes.

[Dan Howell]

Give me a crack and I'll stand on it.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

British thing. Maybe for the Americans. Step on a crack, break your mother's back.

[Phil Lester]

I think that's ubiquitous everywhere.

[Dan Howell]

Is it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. But if you stand on a crack to break someone else's mum's back, is that just fucked up?

[Phil Lester]

I don't break mum's backs.

[Dan Howell]

Sounds disrespectful as well.

[Phil Lester]

Although crack now means sex. I'm gonna crack.

[Dan Howell]

That means something else if you pick up that business card.

[Phil Lester]

Gonna crack your mum.

[Dan Howell]

Let's wrap it up here.

[Phil Lester]

I wasn't saying that to you for.

[Dan Howell]

Listening to the Hard Launch podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I meant the Hyper podcast.

[Dan Howell]

And, Phil, no substances required. No social life happening. I'm gonna move to Alaska.

[Phil Lester]

We've only got one of these.

[Dan Howell]

It's my fucking house. I'll do what I want.

[Phil Lester]

They don't sell these anymore. They got hacked.

[Dan Howell]

Phil bought these inflatable chairs and then the factory shut down and they went out of business. Yeah. So if one of us gets a spiky butt, it's all over.

[Phil Lester]

It's all over. And we'll have to get normal furniture. If you want more of this, you can join us on Patreon for 15 minutes of bonus yapping. Go to patreon.com Dan and Phil, where the party is gonna get started.

[Dan Howell]

But thank you all for your time. Love you.

[Phil Lester]

Bye Bye.

[Guest/Additional Speaker]

All right, y', all gather round because Monet X change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students, get Google Gemini's Pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your present, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And, baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet exchanged in the library, uploading picture of my music theory homework. Like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback. Instead of crying in the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the good sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro Unlimited image uploads, Pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs, two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me, two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plants. Visit Gemini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply. All right, y', all gather round because Monet x change from sibling rivalry is here with an announcement. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini. Now listen, the girls over at Google said Monet tell the children. So I'm telling you, us college students. Get Google Gemini's Pro plan free for one year. Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding. So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help. And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it Monet exchanged in the library. Uploading a picture of my music theory homework like Gemini, please help a diva out. Or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying at the practice room for three hours. This would have been life changing. Now back to the good sign up to get more access to Google's Most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro Unlimited image uploads, pro level image editing, higher limits in NotebookLM, Gemini in Gmail and Docs. Two terabytes of storage and more. You heard me. Two terabytes. That's enough space to store every vocal warmup, drag race look, and every photo your aunt sends you of her plans. Visit Gemini Google students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.

[Dan Howell]

Limu Emu and Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Phil Lester]

Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera.

[Dan Howell]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Ferry unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts Meet Olivia.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

Hey, what's up?

[Dan Howell]

Olivia dreams big.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

I want to go back to school and get a pet and buy a house and save for retirement and travel the world.

[Dan Howell]

That's quite the list.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Numerica Credit Union is the perfect partner to help turn Olivia's dreams into reality. Really?

[Phil Lester]

Yep.

[Dan Howell]

We're all about helping our members create a life that feels like theirs. And we have the tools, expertise, and guidance to make it happen.

[Advertiser/Announcer]

I'm in. Let's get started.

[Dan Howell]

Money where it matters. Federally insured by ncua.