Do we regret revealing our relationship?

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil – Episode 1: “Do we regret revealing our relationship?”

Date: October 20, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
(Studio71)

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Episode Overview

In this lively and unfiltered kickoff to their new podcast, Dan and Phil dive head-first into life after "hard launching" their long-speculated relationship. They embrace oversharing, discuss their fears and relief post-reveal, explore the response from their fanbase and the internet, and test out their new freeform, anything-goes format. This episode is marked by self-deprecating humor, affectionate bickering, and stories they “could never share before,” setting the stage for a new era of openness and community involvement.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Chaos & Newfound Authenticity

• Nightmare Antics: Phil shares a sleepless night caused by Dan having a nightmare and yelling about an “intruder” in the room, leading into the need for real, uncensored storytelling.
  • “I'm fast asleep. What do I hear next to me? ‘There's a man in the room.’” (00:12 – Phil)
  • “It was terrifying. I literally thought we were gonna die.” (00:40 – Phil)
  • “Wow, Phil looks rough in the first episode… My bad. That's why.” (00:59 – Dan)
• Cozy, Squeaky Podcast Setup: Amusing banter about Phil’s decision to buy inflatable chairs for the podcast and the perils of possible deflation, leading to running jokes about inflation fetishes and wardrobe malfunctions.
  • “One day I just collected the mail, and I was like, what the hell is this? Oh, it's an inflatable armchair.” (02:34 – Dan)

2. Relationship "Reveal": Feelings & Internet Impact

• The Hard Launch: Discussing the global response to their reveal (“fan is real!”) and surreal moments seeing themselves on news outlets.
  • "I thought that we were just saying something potentially obvious. Oh, yeah. The two homosexuals that have lived together for 16 years, they're gay and people are really like, breaking news." (05:46 – Dan)
  • “Are you saying you're surprised by how relevant you are?” (05:37 – Dan)
• Relief and Vulnerability: Expressing relief and a sense of liberation, but also noting initial anxiety about making a "huge mistake" by going public.
  • “Posting that video felt like a huge relief. I was scared we were gonna feel… like a weight had been lifted.” (06:25 – Phil)
  • “We want to say thank you to everybody for supporting us and enabling this new era of bullshit.” (11:00 – Dan)

3. Fan (and Internet) Reactions

Reading and responding to hilarious, heartfelt, and outlandish comments:

• Meme Highlights:
  • "They hit the fucking Fentagon." (07:17 – Phil, reading a YouTube comment)
  • "Dan’s therapist is gonna take the fattest bong, rip and ascend into the sky like Mufasa." (07:23 – Dan)
  • "They waited for our frontal lobes to develop with this." (08:01 – Phil)
  • "My ex broke a decade long, no contact over this." (08:24 – Dan)
• Fanbase Reflection: Remembering forming their fandom on Tumblr, and affectionately comparing it to “fermented kombucha.”
  • “Our first fandom kind of curated itself, even before Twitter.” (09:23 – Phil)
  • “Like the kombucha that was the Dan and Phil audience… ferment, the bacteria came from Tumblr.” (09:27 – Dan)
• Acknowledging Support:
  • “Such a nice reaction. I feel heartwarmed and not scared anymore. So thank you anyone that gave us encouragement.” (10:42 – Phil)

4. New Freedom: Stories They Couldn't Share Before

• Sugar Daddy Misadventure: Phil recounts a hilarious story about unwittingly being courted by a “European sugar daddy” under the guise of a job offer.
  • “He wanted us to come out, do a test recording to see if …they wanted to hire us.” (13:06 – Dan)
  • “In hindsight, doing a camera test, was that a red flag?” (14:14 – Dan)
  • “He was treating us the whole time. He never said it was for the company. We just assumed.” (17:26 – Phil)
  • Both realize, in classic Dan and Phil fashion, they were oblivious to the true “nature” of all the wining, dining, and DMing—ending with heartfelt, comic missed connections and a formal podcast apology to the sugar daddy.
    • “We had missed every kind of hint.” (17:09 – Phil)
    • “Are we the assholes? Yes.” (18:56 – Dan)

5. Running In-Jokes, Fact-Checking & Gacha Machine Games

• Faux History with Tablecloths: Phil tries to convince Dan that tablecloths were invented to prevent Victorian men from being aroused by table legs; Dan debunks this live.
  • “Tablecloths were invented to stop people getting boners while they're sat at the dinner table.” (20:25 – Phil; debunked at 21:02 by Dan)
• Emergency Topic Generator: Introduction of a gacha capsule machine to provide random (and sometimes embarrassing) topics to avoid podcast “going off the rails.”
  • “I bought a gacha machine …full of balls… And inside each of them is a life-saving topic for when we need it most.” (21:48 – Dan)
  • Leads to a segment on "laundry," spiraling into revelations about Dan never having used a dryer and Phil possibly weaponizing this for domestic “leverage.”
    • “Phil’s privilege. He had a dryer.” (25:08 – Dan)

6. Listener Hard Launches & Community Engagement

Dan and Phil inaugurate their audience-participation segment, inviting listeners to “hard launch” their own secrets, opinions, or confessions.

• Memorable Submissions:
  • Breaking Up With Both Boyfriends:
    • “I want to hard launch breaking up with both of my boyfriends because I am so done with men.” (30:17 – Listener “Flora”)
    • “Is this because you’ve had a lesbian turn? Congrats. Is it because you’re just done with the current state of men?” (30:47 – Dan)
  • Grower-Not-Shower Grey Sweatpants:
    • “Sweatpants for people who are growers and not showers…” (31:33 – Listener “Dave”)
    • Sparks reflection on male “bulge” expectations in fashion and a revealing (“not mine!”) discussion.
  • Killer Whales – Should We Even Conserve Them?:
    • “They are not cute, they’re not friendly. They’re malevolent bullies of the sea… They don’t need our help. They’re sinking billionaires on yachts.” (33:20 – Unknown Listener)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Once you're popped, you just can't stop." (06:44 – Dan, on coming out)
• "Phil, can I ask you a question? How were you DMing this guy before we went on the trip?" (17:30 – Dan, about the sugar daddy story)
• "Are we the assholes? Yes." (18:56 – Dan)
• "Tablecloths were invented to stop people getting boners while they’re sat at the dinner table." (20:25 – Phil, in jest)
• "We have lived a whole life on YouTube. Does it feel like you've lived an entire teen’s life?" (10:04 – Dan)
• "And now we can touch each other without editing it out." (11:05 – Phil)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Nightmare & Opening Chaos – 00:00-03:00
• Podcast Format, Chairs, Drinks & Introductions – 03:00-05:00
• The Hard Launch Reveal and Global Reaction – 05:00-07:00
• Fan Comments, Internet Memes & Fandom Legacy – 07:13-10:30
• On Relief & Emotional Aftermath of Going Public – 10:30-11:30
• Sugar Daddy Story – 12:40-19:13
• Gacha Machine & Emergency Topics (Laundry) – 21:48-26:52
• Listener Hard Launches – 29:47-34:38
• Episode Wrap-Up, Community Prompts & Sign-Off – 34:38-35:33

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Tone & Style

The conversation is snappy, chaotic, and unapologetically candid, with the hosts constantly riffing on each other, digressing into PG-13 and R-rated humor, and repeatedly breaking into laughter or mutual roasting (“If I say a tasteful euphemism, Phil, you can’t then just say something disgusting…” – 28:48). Genuine moments of vulnerability and sincerity are interspersed with slapstick, sarcasm, and inside jokes—perfectly reflecting Dan and Phil’s well-loved dynamic.

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Final Thoughts

Dan and Phil’s “Hard Launch” debut is a messy, gleeful, and sincere embodiment of their promise to overshare and never “go back in the closet.” It's a celebration of queer liberation, digital culture, and their legion of meme-savvy fans—setting up a weekly tradition of radical honesty, chaotic jokes, and community connection. The episode playfully answers its titular question: No, they don’t regret revealing their relationship—even if they might regret some of the stories they now feel free to tell.

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Next week: Expect a spooky/Halloween-themed episode with “mildly horrific seasonal yap,” more emergency topics, and listener hard launches!

Transcript

[A]

Well, I wanted to look fresh today, but I didn't get any sleep last night. Middle of the night. Dan has an issue which I've not been able to speak about before.

[B]

You're not making this sound better. Obviously, I was there. And I'm terrified for where this is going.

[A]

I'm fast asleep. What do I hear next to me? There's a man in the room. There's a man in the room. Not just that. Dan then kneels on the bed and goes, there's a man in the room.

[B]

I had a nightmare, okay, that there.

[A]

Was a man in the room.

[B]

This has not happened to me a lot before, but I struggled to wake up and I thought there was a home invasion happening. But I understand that from Phil's perspective, someone just screaming at 4am, there's a.

[A]

Man in the room. It was terrifying.

[B]

The most terrifying shit you've ever heard of.

[A]

I literally thought we were gonna die.

[B]

And this is like in the dream, I thought that we were being burgled.

[A]

It's like the fourth time you've done it.

[B]

But then Phil says that I quite nonchalantly went, oh, yeah, okay.

[A]

I was like, no, Jesus Christ. You just like, terrified.

[B]

I went, oh, it's a dream. Nevermind. And then I just went back to sleep.

[A]

And I'm lying in bed, like, having.

[B]

A fight or fly vibrating response. So if you're wondering, wow, Phil looks rough in the first episode of this. My bad.

[A]

That's why could it not have been a sexy man? Why is it a scary man?

[B]

We didn't establish how hot the dream burglar was.

[A]

Is it a hot burglar? Hi, it's happening.

[B]

We are Dan and Phil.

[A]

I'm Phil.

[B]

Welcome to hard launch the podcast.

[A]

I like that I said, I'm Phil. It's just if anyone's listening to it as a podcast, you might want to get used to that.

[B]

Hi, I'm Dan. I have a wonderful sounding, relaxing.

[A]

Yes. And if you're watching on video, hello. As well to people on YouTube. Do I have a ghost penis right now? Like, it's bit of a.

[B]

This is a podcast. It goes out on YouTube every Monday and wherever you get your podcast to listen to. And to the poor people listening on Spotify.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They just had to hear the sentence, do I have a ghost penis?

[A]

To clarify, when you wear jeans, especially these ones, it creates the illusion that.

[B]

You'Ve got some kind of bonus mound.

[A]

I don't have. I'm not that excited about the podcast.

[B]

Established. He's not that excited about the podcast. Wardrobe malfunction corrected.

[A]

I think so. I am excited.

[B]

And we're in.

[A]

I'm just not aroused by the podcast yet.

[B]

Well, I hope you're enjoying, guys. Cause people said, hey, Dan and Phil, in this new, authentic era, after you finally revealed the truth about your lives. Yeah, we're ready for whatever this free era of conversation is.

[A]

And this is very free.

[B]

They wanna take it back.

[A]

They do. We're cozy.

[B]

Would you say it's cozy?

[A]

We've got inflatable chairs.

[B]

Let's talk about these chairs.

[A]

I'd say these are good, but also a little bit squeaky. So we're not farting. It's just.

[B]

Yeah. Also, Phil decided it would be really fun buy inflatable chairs and not ask me. So one day I just collected the mail, and I was like, what the hell is this? Oh, it's an inflatable armchair. Phil decided to spend our money on it for the podcast. I asked questions like, what? Why? I'm just gonna say, what are you talking about?

[A]

I'm just gonna spend the money.

[B]

Isn't this squeaky?

[A]

It's squeaky. And also, Dan has a lot of spiky objects. Cause you're a bit edgy.

[B]

An inflatable chair is not compatible with my wardrobe. No, but just for the people that are listening right now. Super asmr, can you. Wiggles how?

[A]

Also a bit of peril. Who's gonna deflate first?

[B]

It could pop at any moment. Don't you just love a bit of dramatic tension?

[A]

Just a little bit of drama?

[B]

At any moment, we could deflate and fall on the floor.

[A]

Yeah. Do you think people with an inflation fetish would enjoy these?

[B]

Let's not keep that going any further.

[A]

Okay. We've got drinks. I got a fun drink, and Dan got water.

[B]

What is that? We're doing a podcast. I'm staying hydrated. So I've got a glass of water and. What in the purple hell is that?

[A]

It's guava and dragon fruit.

[B]

Is that a slur?

[A]

No, you're a dragon fruit. Didn't they say that dragon fruit is the fruit that makes you shit yourself? Great.

[B]

Wow. What a day to have a transparent chair and a microphone attached.

[A]

Wait, let me try it. Oh, it's actually disgusting. Do you want to try this? I'm regretting it.

[B]

It's actually disgusting. Do you want to try it? No.

[A]

Sip it like a horse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Put your nose in the trough.

[B]

It can lead a horse to guava and pineapple juice. Dragon fruit.

[A]

Dragon fruit.

[B]

But will it shit itself on the podcast? Let's find out.

[A]

Horse fruit.

[B]

Oh, that's not right.

[A]

It's foul. It's been pre drunk.

[B]

It tastes. It's been regurgitated like a motherburg.

[A]

It's a bit pissy. Also, for the first time, we've got people helping us in the room.

[B]

Yes. In case you thought that Dan and Phil were organized enough to have a podcast. That's really funny. No. So I want to say thank you to producer Layla and Amelia, who will be putting the podcast together and helping us put all the clips on Instagram and TikTok.

[A]

Yeah. Can we get. Whenever you see those, an enthusiastic yay. Like, you like your job. Yay.

[B]

Well, that was two people held at gunpoint, wasn't it?

[A]

Help free them.

[B]

Thank you, producers, for making this whole thing happen.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

We all know that Phil isn't organized.

[A]

I'm not organized.

[B]

Well, you can, like, have a nushanivity to buy inflatable furniture, but that's about it.

[A]

Sure. So if you didn't see on YouTube, oh, we uploaded a little video, confirmed that fan is real.

[B]

Which, if you are not terminally online and you might be like, what was that French phrase? Could you explain it for the normies that got lost on Spotify?

[A]

Dan and Phil fan in a relationship.

[B]

The whole time we're clapping. Not like, oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, no. Is that how we're confirming it?

[B]

Ayo, rewind.

[A]

What?

[B]

And so this is hard. Launch the podcast. Cause it is a new era.

[A]

It is.

[B]

Aren't you scared, people? Wish you could take it back now. Five minutes of this yapping and everyone's like, please stand. And Phil, could you actually go in the closet a tiny bit more?

[A]

And I thought that the Internet would react in a way I didn't think it'd be reacting in such a huge way.

[B]

Are you saying you're surprised by how relevant you are? Yes. Sick.

[A]

I'm slightly scared I'm being perceived so much at the moment.

[B]

You know when you've reached BBC News, it's containment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, okay, I thought that we were just saying something potentially obvious. Oh, yeah. The two homosexuals that have lived together for 16 years, they're gay and people are really like, breaking news.

[A]

I know. It's broken everywhere. Philippines news today. We were there. Manila. Shout out. Anyone listening from Manila.

[B]

Vanilla in Manila. That's what we like to see.

[A]

But people have tuned in because now we are tuned in. Sounded a bit old, didn't it? You've tuned into our radio show because now we're a bit open yeah, we can talk about things we couldn't before.

[B]

16 years of censoring ourselves.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Not being able to say, last night, I got no sleep because Dan thought that there was a home invader. And we are yet to establish how hot the man was.

[A]

I'm still not over that. Can I say, posting that video felt like a huge relief. I was scared we were gonna feel.

[B]

Like a fat shit.

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, there you go.

[B]

Sorry. Did I ruin a really sentimental moment? Sorry.

[A]

Done. I just felt like a weight had been lifted. I was worried I was gonna post it or we were gonna post it and. Oh, no, we've made a huge mistake.

[B]

No. Putting this back in the can.

[A]

I mean, you can't put that back in the can.

[B]

Once you're popped, you just can't stop.

[A]

We could have been like prank.

[B]

Sour cream and onion.

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

Start it, open it. Obviously, people have processed the news that Dan and Phil have hard launched in different ways personally. And very few of them were sincere. Because the memes were too good. Well, actually, no. I feel like if people were saying beautiful, articulate things, it just got buried under hilarity. Because we have the most intelligent and funny audience. So we have prepared some highlights of some stuff that we store on the Internet.

[A]

We got some faves, including.

[B]

Let's start with YouTube comments.

[A]

They hit the fucking Fentagon was one of them. That was a favorite.

[B]

I think that represents it quite well. Dan's therapist is gonna take the fattest bong, rip, and ascend into the sky like Mufasa. My work here is done. Hell yeah. My therapist said, dan, you need to stop being scared and just rip the plaster off. And. Oh, I did that. I think I accidentally took a limb off.

[A]

How often do you complain about me in therapy?

[B]

Okay, so we talked about boundaries in the video. And, like, obviously the point of this podcast is to be a safe space.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

For sharing. I would say every week. Sometimes it's good. Oh, you said complain.

[A]

Complain every week.

[B]

Yeah. No, like once a month, definitely. Next one.

[A]

They waited for our frontal lobes to develop with this was one.

[B]

People were young, they were vulnerable back in the day.

[A]

They were.

[B]

They weren't ready for this information.

[A]

They say your frontal lobe develops when you're 27. So if you've hit 27, you can process this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyone else? You're still gonna have a different reaction.

[B]

What age do you think your synapses finally started kicking in?

[A]

I'm still waiting for them.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

[A]

I'm still waiting for them to arrive.

[B]

But all of you patiently waited for this news, and the time was right. The next one says, my ex broke a decade long, no contact over this.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Priorities.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I mean, I don't know how messy that was or why those rules were in place, but sometime you just need to go back and message that person you haven't spoken to for 10 years.

[A]

Hey, maybe we got them to remesh.

[B]

Please stop doing that with your fingers.

[A]

That's like multiple scissors.

[B]

I don't know what group. Oh, my God.

[A]

That's what you do for, like, a lesbian. Is that called raking group sex scenario?

[B]

Is he allowed to say that?

[A]

I don't know if I'm allowed to say that.

[B]

Sound off in the comments.

[A]

Sorry, today was like, 9 11. But instead of being bad, it was awesome. Why have we got two 911 things already? I'm sorry, everyone.

[B]

A thousand and a half people liked that. What is wrong with you? That's actually a respectful tweet. Yeah, let's think about it.

[A]

Let's move on.

[B]

The actual Tumblr Twitter account said, fan confirmed in big 2025.

[A]

And you know what? I feel like we have a lot to thank for Tumblr.

[B]

I feel like they have a lot to thank. How much money did we make them?

[A]

I know, true.

[B]

Did Tumblr. Were they monetizable back in the day?

[A]

But I feel like that's the place. Our first fandom kind of curated itself, even before Twitter.

[B]

Yeah, like the kombucha that was the Danifil audience. And, like, ferment, the bacteria came from Tumblr.

[A]

Are you saying our audience has fermented?

[B]

Am I not saying kombucha is a delicious drink? To some people. To some people, it smells like piss, and it's a bit suspicious, but it's healthy.

[A]

It's very vint. Mm.

[B]

This is like the Bible confirming God.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Someone had to do it. Oh, I like this one.

[A]

Just saw someone say, dan and Phil have been together longer than they've been alive.

[B]

That's disgusting.

[A]

I just shriveled up.

[B]

We don't want to know what's happening with your trousers.

[A]

Oh, no, the ghost penis.

[B]

We have lived a whole life on YouTube. Does it feel like you've lived an entire teen's life?

[A]

It feels like I've lived too many lives. Yeah.

[B]

I think eras count as separate lives. I've, like, traumatized, forgot everything that happened prior to 2018.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That was just a blur.

[A]

What even was that?

[B]

And actually, I've only been alive since I came out. So I'm actually 5.

[A]

Some people are saying that you were a different person pre and post curly hair.

[B]

Were you a different person pre and post bleach?

[A]

No, I think I've been just as annoying the whole time.

[B]

I'd say the bleach seeping into your brain improved how articulate you are personally. But yeah. So thank you all.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

There were also lots of people saying, hey, we really appreciate you shared this. It must have been really scary. And that is very kind.

[A]

In all honesty. It was such a nice reaction. I feel heartwarmed and not scared anymore. So thank you anyone that gave us encouragement.

[B]

It was a vulnerable moment for us opening up about this, but at least our corner of the Internet where we posted this, you know, there were some questionable jokes there in incredibly poor taste, but that made us feel at home.

[A]

It did.

[B]

So we want to say thank you to everybody for supporting us and in enabling this new era of bullshit.

[A]

And now we can touch each other without editing it out. Touch me.

[B]

I ain't reaching towards you. Okay. He has no depth perception and he went for the cheek. That was scary there, wasn't it?

[A]

With the cheek. People on the audio are like, what?

[B]

I'm so glad that we can now talk about these things.

[A]

What else could we talk about? Like, what's a good story to hook people in and be like, it has to be gay.

[B]

It has to be something that would have gotten us epically canceled 10 years ago.

[A]

Something gay, something salacious. Rack your brain.

[B]

Um, Sugar daddy.

[A]

Oh, my God. We can't talk about that.

[B]

What do you mean we can't talk about that?

[A]

People are listening, watching.

[B]

Oh, he's not listening.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

You turned him off.

[A]

I definitely didn't turn him on.

[B]

Alright, well, you talked about it. I think it's time for Phil to reveal the sugar daddy story.

[A]

But wait, if you are listening to the podcast right now, we might have some little commercial messages.

[B]

How dare you tease them like that?

[A]

I'm teasing them.

[B]

You're sugar teasing them?

[A]

Yeah. Listen to this. Very exciting.

[C]

Meet Olivia.

[A]

Hey, what's up?

[C]

Olivia dreams big.

[B]

I want to go back to school and get a pet and buy a house and save for retirement and travel the world.

[C]

That's quite the list.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Numerica Credit Union is the perfect partner to help turn Olivia's dreams into reality.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yep. We're all about helping our members create a life that feels like theirs. And we have the tools, expertise, and guidance to make it happen.

[A]

I'm in. Let's get started.

[C]

Numerica Credit Union money where it matters. Federally insured by ncua.

[A]

So you said, sugar daddy. Everyone is waiting to hear what you mean, because I.

[B]

How do we tell this story without doxxing someone or crossing a line?

[A]

Can we vague it up a lot, but then still tell the story? Because no one needs to know the town. No one needs to know the name.

[B]

Okay, I'm censoring in real time all the time. Something's gonna go wrong. Let's go for it. The year was like, stop.

[A]

It doesn't matter. It happened in a time in our lives where we knew each other.

[B]

And Phil RADIO PRESENTARY AWARDS SHOW ERA okay. We wanted to be employed. We were like, yes, job opportunity is great. We need to pay this London rent. And a guy reached out to us and said, hey, I represent a TV media company, radio, based in an expensive city. European.

[A]

Yes, a European city. Yeah.

[B]

And we thought, amazing professional opportunity. He wanted us to come out, do a test recording to see if we wanted to hire us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they said that, oh, they'll show us around the town. So we thought, yeah.

[A]

And when we arrived, I'll say, there was very little work that we had to do.

[B]

We turned up at this guy's office and we were like, hey, we're Dan and Phil.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And these people looked around like, who the hell are you?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then this guy in the corner was like, oh, nice to meet you. Thanks for coming.

[A]

And you know the first thing I clocked?

[B]

What?

[A]

The Rolex.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

He had a Rolex on.

[B]

Phil's got those eyes on the diamonds. Okay, I am not putting up.

[A]

And it looked real. It was heavy around his wrist.

[B]

Yeah. He had the limp wrist of someone weighed down by success.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Unrelatable.

[A]

Anyway, instead of doing lots of work, we did a little camera test. And then he said, do you want to go on a boat tour?

[B]

In hindsight, doing a camera test, was that a red flag?

[A]

Maybe we'll see where this goes. And I was like, fuck, yes. Do I want to go on a boat tour?

[B]

A lake in Europe. This is lovely. And we thought, you know, the corporation is trying to, you know, show us around.

[A]

They had staff on this boat serving as Aperol Springs.

[B]

Yeah, it had staff. So we thought, this is a legit corporate experience, but we're really appreciating it.

[A]

And after below deck, that's kind of ruined ever going on a boat again, because I know what's happening.

[B]

They do not want to be down there.

[A]

They hate it. And then took us to a Michelin star restaurant that evening.

[B]

And this was a bit, you know, we don't fit in in those places. Phil can barely hold it.

[A]

Too awkward. And it was one of those with like eight seats in it. And people are just staring at you all the time. I can't handle it.

[B]

But it was just us and the guy, and I think we were thinking, where's the rest of the team? Are we gonna meet the social media person who's your. But we thought, okay, this guy's been assigned to be the Dan and Phil babysitter. Someone has to.

[A]

And you were as well. Like, this is cool. Like, what's going on?

[B]

We were very happy to be using the company card. Okay. So we had those aperol spritzed. We were feeling spritzed.

[A]

We did. Then we went out to a nightclub. A little bit weird for a corporate kind of thing.

[B]

But I think at this point, the guy that we were with, which was like, would you say mid to late 30s, handsome, European guy, pretty, working in media, pretty cute, took us out to this meal and said, let's go out afterwards. And sure, you say yes. It can be a networking thing.

[A]

I said, yeah, let's go.

[B]

You were having a nice time.

[A]

I didn't dance. I just tried to talk really loudly.

[B]

Had a couple cocktails. Phil yelled in a northern accent, and that didn't turn him off. And then he said, do you want to come back to our place?

[A]

Yes. And our place.

[B]

This is a fork in the road. Me and Phil were just having a nice time. And we weren't asking difficult questions.

[A]

No. Right. We were not asking. I was just like, this is fun.

[B]

We were having fun. We were enjoying making new friends. He said he had a cool view from his apartment.

[A]

I love a cool view.

[B]

So we went back, we had another cocktail. It was about 4am I was tired. The conversation got a bit dry.

[A]

My social battery runs out at about 1am Definitely. And it had gone.

[B]

And we had jet lag of some amount of small few hours that we're not disclosing to make this too specific. So then me and Phil were like, oh, you know what? It's been real. See you in the morning, and we'll finish that day at your office. Night, bro. The guy looked a bit confused.

[A]

It looked a bit sad and a bit like, what's going on here?

[B]

But we just thought, wow, 4am We've had so much fun. It's time to get a good night's sleep for our day of work tomorrow. Yes, the day of work tomorrow got slightly impacted when Phil Had a DM on Twitter that was just saying, hey, man, did I do something wrong last night? Like, I thought that we were getting on great and it was going somewhere, but then you guys just bailed at the last second. Like. And then we had a moment where we suddenly realized, oh, are we dumb as hell?

[A]

We had missed every kind of hit.

[B]

The guy was hitting on us the entire time.

[A]

The whole time.

[B]

And maybe the entire time because it turns out this boat trip and the meal that wasn't paid for on the company card, he was treating us to it.

[A]

He was treating us the whole time. He never said it was for the company. We just assumed.

[B]

Phil, can I ask you a question?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How were you DMing this guy before we went on the trip?

[A]

He seemed like a nice guy. He seemed friendly.

[B]

Professional banter with someone.

[A]

Yeah, just friendly banter.

[B]

He was looking at a couple of twinks, invited them over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he thought that he was very, very clearly going out to the club.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then he said, do you want to come back to our place? And we were like, oh, yeah, Al, we are going back to your place right now. At 2am Are we going back to your place? Yeah, buddy.

[A]

And it turned out he wanted the P. I could have had a sugar daddy.

[B]

Hey, the D was also there.

[A]

I could have had a sugar daddy instead of you, D. Wait, was I.

[B]

The third wheel on that trip? Yes.

[A]

He was like, who's this guy you brought along?

[B]

Oh, my God. I think I actually was.

[A]

You were. I was like, can I bring my friend?

[B]

No, no, no. If you're inviting us over for this thing, we're doing Dan and Phil right now, the presenting duo. So I'm gonna bring my buddy along.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And you reckon he had a little.

[A]

I mean, maybe.

[B]

I mean, into a threesome. But I thought I was having true love with this guy from a valley in Manchester.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's what it was.

[B]

I ruined your shot with a European sugar daddy.

[A]

There's still time.

[B]

What do you mean, there's still time?

[A]

Pedro.

[B]

It was not called Pedro. You fucking wish. Okay, so in conclusion, Phil and actually also me are missing the signs.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The signals. Incredibly clear.

[A]

It was very clear. But also, we weren't used to men hitting on us because we were kind of fresh gays.

[B]

We barely left the house.

[A]

We barely left the house. We're not used to that landscape yet. Manscape. Maybe he'd manscaped just for that night.

[B]

Are we the assholes? Yes.

[A]

Yes, we were the assholes. Sorry.

[B]

So Dan and Phil would like to formally apologize to the European sugar daddy. I'm sorry that we did not work at your undisclosed media location and. Or Phil didn't move in.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And now that is our trauma from the past completely healed. Nice.

[A]

Nice. I feel like we said too much. That was too much.

[B]

So this is a good example of the type of things that we will now post on this podcast and regret later.

[A]

I feel exposed. I need a gulp of my disgusting.

[B]

Cheers to that, buddy.

[A]

Oh, cheers. Oh, yeah, that was a good clink. Mmm. Great sipping hydrated fanny.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Don't say hydrated fanny.

[B]

P H A N N Y. Hopefully you're all hydrated. Fannies stay moist in the chat.

[A]

Yeah, we're not gonna get new viewers and listeners saying stuff like that.

[B]

Yeah, sorry. We're trying to be in our mainstream appeal era.

[A]

Did you learn about tablecloths this week? Cause I did online.

[B]

Is this a fetish?

[A]

Maybe. You're close. What do you mean maybe?

[B]

Why do I ask you rhetorical joke questions? The answer's always yes. Yes.

[A]

Daniel, why were tablecloths invented?

[B]

So you don't have to wipe tables.

[A]

No.

[B]

Did you mean no. Think about where they are on a table.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Think about what they do.

[B]

Collect mess.

[A]

Men. Back in the day.

[B]

I hate this already. Men have done nothing good back in the day.

[A]

They didn't see many parts of many people, so it got them easily excited.

[B]

A little bit of cheeky Victorian ankle.

[A]

Yes. A table leg looks very much like a slender lady's leg. So they invented.

[B]

What is he lying about?

[A]

They invented the tablecloth to stop people getting boners while they're sat at the dinner table. Because if they saw. If they saw that table leg, they would be erect.

[B]

You're telling me that tablecloths were invented because Victorian men couldn't stop themselves from having wardrobe malfunctions?

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

I'm gonna fact check this right now. We are episode one live. Fact check right now.

[A]

Wait, listen, Dan.

[B]

I'm listening, and so are all the people on Apple right now.

[A]

Is a fact a fact, or is it a good story?

[B]

Tablecloths were invented to protect tables from spills and dab.

[A]

No, it's about erections.

[B]

Well, Phil, I'm sorry to ruin your fun fact, but I can in fact confirm that that is a bold lie.

[A]

Okay, fun police, I'm sorry to crush.

[B]

Your dreams to squash your cheeky exposed ankle excitement.

[A]

What I was saying is, can a fact not just be a fun thing you tell.

[B]

And this is why we should be terrified of the future of Society. Okay, this is. You know what? This is a great moment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I came up with a break in case of emergency glass situation here because if we ever went dangerously off topic and needed to realign, we have a plan. And this plan, much like the name of this podcast and the inflatable chair, started with philosopher just fucking buying something off the Internet without telling me.

[A]

And I'm so glad I did.

[B]

I came into my fuck ass hallway and I saw a box from China and Phil said, I bought a gacha machine. You know those things that you put 20p in and you turn and a little ball comes out with a piece of plastic.

[A]

I'm so excited by this. But before we unveil him, if you're listening.

[B]

Okay, the box has agenda.

[A]

If you're listening, here's some exciting messages.

[B]

I would like to introduce all of you to the emergency topic generator.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

Here we have a box full of balls. And inside every ball. Are they not our balls?

[A]

I bought the balls. They're our balls. They're our shared balls, our show, our shared balls.

[B]

Thank you very much. And inside each of them is a life saving topic for when we need it most. And after tablecloth, I think the time.

[A]

Is now for anyone listening. It's like one of those machines that you get at a fair where you turn a thing and you get a bouncy ball out of it. That's how I describe it.

[B]

Instead of a bouncy ball, you're about to get 10 minutes of insane content. And because this is bougie. I don't know, representative of Phil, it only takes pound coins.

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And you know, I don't know how to remove them. So they're in there.

[B]

Yeah. Currently we've tested that. This works. Phil has just fed four pounds into this thing and we haven't worked out how to get the money out yet.

[A]

This is our P bank.

[B]

So this time in a year of successful podcast episodes, this will have bankrupted us.

[A]

Right? Give me a quid, lad.

[B]

You think I carry cash?

[A]

You don't need cash.

[B]

I don't even carry a credit card around.

[A]

Wait, let me reach. Let me reach in. Deep pockets on these jeans.

[B]

I'm so sorry, everybody.

[A]

You can do the honors.

[B]

Oh, you want me to do the reach around? Okay.

[A]

Squeaky.

[B]

I'm cranking it.

[A]

Oh, oh, here we go.

[B]

We've got a ball.

[A]

Yes. What is it yellow?

[B]

It's a yellow ball, ladies and gentlemen and thems. Okay. Huh? I'm cranking it. I'm peeling it. Okay, get her out of here. We've had lots of different pronouns for the random topic. Emergency creator.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Philip Michael Lester. This is also at me, so I don't know why I'm directing this.

[A]

Yeah. And Daniel James Howard.

[B]

Are you doxxing me?

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

My name is Dan Howell.

[A]

Go on.

[B]

Do you know that once we were in Edinburgh and it was like 1am and then a drunk guy ran up to me and he went, oh, my God, are you Dan Howard?

[A]

That's why I call you Dan Howard all the time.

[B]

And I was like, what are you gonna say to a blitzed Scottish student at 2am?

[A]

Also, your middle name's not in your passport, so it's not real.

[B]

Yeah, I forget the rules on whether or not you're supposed to tell people you're.

[A]

Anyway, what are we talking about? The tension is killing everyone, and I.

[B]

Just said yes to it.

[A]

Read the thing.

[B]

Our new topic is. Holy shit.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Are you ready for this?

[A]

Is it deep? Is it sexual laundry? Oh. Which is actually good for me.

[B]

Oh, it's too close to tablecloths. We haven't pivoted enough.

[A]

How is this good for you? Because you don't know how to do laundry.

[B]

What the fuck? This is not the Attack Dan hour.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If you want to get into domestic post Hard launch Dan and Phil tea. My parents never taught me how to use a washing machine because my mom didn't have a dryer.

[A]

Okay? It's been 15.

[B]

We hung things up.

[A]

15 years.

[B]

Phil's privilege. He had a dryer.

[A]

Dan says, what do I press on the laundry machine every single time? I'm like, dan, I've told you 400.

[B]

Times, because when I first started going to your apartment in the year of our Lord 2011, it is because I was afraid to go into the laundromat at university because it was filled with rugby boys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I packed all of my laundry into a suitcase and I wheeled it through the entire city of Manchester to the weird end of town that Phil lived in. And I just used him to wash all my clothes.

[A]

And then I've taught him. The other day, I was like, oh, my God. Dan's put the laundry on. This is a miracle. I checked. He's got all his socks in. He's put them on towels. 90 degrees.

[B]

I wanted to fucking blitz the socks.

[A]

What was on those socks?

[B]

Foot the face. Calm down, people.

[A]

Why don't you know how to use it?

[B]

Because you were the first person I met that ever had a dryer.

[A]

Doesn't mean you can't be like, you.

[B]

Didn'T teach me how to do it. You know how I'm gonna entrap this twink? Yeah, from the Internet. I'm gonna dry his socks in my apartment. And I honestly think this is a manipulation from you.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

That you withheld this knowledge strategically.

[A]

I've even told you leverage about the wonders of scentballs.

[B]

Phil likes to say things like, but I put the dryer on yesterday, so you have to do this chore for me. And he knows. He knows that I don't know how to operate the Samsung dryer.

[A]

You're trapped. Is that what you're saying?

[B]

You have got me exactly where you want me.

[A]

Where? You have stinky clothes.

[B]

You are explo. I would have wet, sopping clothes with nowhere to hang. Because you are the only person that knows how to open the lint drawer in our very complicated.

[A]

Scary. If I got eaten by a lizard tomorrow, I'd stink.

[B]

I'd smell like a wet dog. I would be sopping right now.

[A]

Smelly wet dog.

[B]

There would be a puddle on this inflatable chair.

[A]

There is the laundry chat. There we go.

[B]

I think I preferred your tabletop line. I didn't enjoy that at all. Really.

[A]

Anyway, you might have noticed on this.

[B]

This is the sound of Phil wheeling the emergency topic generator.

[A]

Wheeling the topic generator back.

[B]

Holy shit. Is that a red ball?

[A]

There are two red balls.

[B]

Two scary red balls.

[A]

We are gonna write something for each other. A punishment, if you will.

[B]

A topic that the other person wants to breach at no cost.

[A]

And we're gonna put them in the balls. You won't know what they are, and the other person won't know what they are until they are selected by Richard.

[B]

Who's Richard?

[A]

The machine.

[B]

Okay, The Richard. Apparently she. Her pronouns name is Richard.

[A]

I could give Richard some eyes.

[B]

That looks like a tit.

[A]

Maybe it could be tits.

[B]

Phil drew an eye and it looks like a perfect areola.

[A]

Well, it's like one of those tests, isn't it? Do you see boobs or eyes?

[B]

Well, who you asking? These two homosexuals.

[A]

Stick em on.

[B]

Why are you hand handing me a boob? What are we doing?

[A]

Okay, I'll write mine first. I already know what it is.

[B]

He already knows what it is. Phil has come prepped for something that's gonna make me more uncomfortable than lying about upholstery.

[A]

You're gonna need to be prepped for this one.

[B]

Are you laughing at your own topic?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Why are you writing so much? Bro is writing an essay right now in this paper. I will.

[A]

I folded it up. I'm gonna put it in the ball while you write yours.

[B]

Okay, well, can I have the pen?

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Cheers. This guy.

[A]

Okay, it's going in. Have you thought of one?

[B]

Yeah, and it's a short word because I'm a normal person.

[D]

What?

[B]

Locktober. It's in.

[A]

Now we're gonna mix these up.

[B]

Next time you see us on the Hard Launch podcast, there's gonna be two scary red balls.

[A]

Do you want to get the balls?

[B]

And they could get drawn at any moment.

[A]

Do you want to touch the balls?

[B]

I will take the balls and put them on the table.

[A]

Mix them up. Mix them up.

[B]

Okay, Phil, open the hatch.

[A]

I will put it in the machine. I want you to mix them up, because people will think I've rigged it otherwise.

[B]

I don't think people trust you to remember what's happening in your own hands.

[A]

He's mixing. He's mixing.

[B]

That was authentic.

[A]

Right? Here we go.

[B]

Damn, Richard is tight. You are cranking that thing.

[A]

Open your hole.

[B]

Sorry. Pause, pause. Everybody stop. We need to draw a line in the sand right now. If I say a tasteful euphemism, Phil, you can't then just say something disgusting and. Yeah, but you don't need to say it. I made the joke when I said, Richard is tight. You don't need to be like, oh, there I go. I'm gonna throw my balls into Richard's hole. Really? Oh, good luck. Oh, one of those is dangerously close to the flap. Who's gonna get red first? Now, the name of the podcast is Hard Launch. We have Hard Launch after that thing that we did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And how do you feel after that?

[A]

Well, I said I felt like our weight has been lifted. You know what I mean?

[B]

And so would you recommend that other people go through this?

[A]

Everyone should do this.

[B]

They get things off their chest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They do dance therapy. Homework of boldly admitting something that terrifies them just so that they can make progress in their life.

[A]

Just make a little bit of progress.

[B]

Well, this is where we want you to come. Every single week, we are gonna play messages from you, the people, telling us what you would like to hard launch.

[A]

It could be anything.

[B]

It could be a life.

[A]

It doesn't have to be a relationship.

[B]

It could be an unpopular opinion.

[A]

It could be an invention.

[B]

And then Phil will invest and give you £1 for 90% of your company.

[A]

I will not give you anything.

[B]

And to kick us off, we got a few of the people in our life to send in these. And did they know that we are actually gonna play these on the Entire world.

[A]

I feel like they have found out too late.

[B]

They might have done this as like a safe. Yeah. We said, can you give us some things that you want to hard launch? I'm sure now we're just sharing them with the Internet.

[A]

Go on.

[B]

It's too late.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Let's have our first listener. Hiya, It's Flora here. Hey. I want to hard launch breaking up with both of my boyfriends because I am so done with men.

[A]

Both of them.

[B]

Wait, what are we gonna. No more context.

[A]

Those men.

[B]

I need to know.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

Fuck those men.

[A]

Don't fuck the men. I think.

[B]

I think the effing of the men is out.

[A]

Oh, okay. I like that you're censoring yourself and I'm just saying. Fuck. I think I've said it way more than you today.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Folks. What's happened?

[B]

Let those fucks out.

[A]

I'm unleashed.

[B]

I need to know, is this because you've had a lesbian turn? Congrats. Is it because you're just done with the current state of men? I would say the male loneliness epidemic. Sometimes they deserve it.

[A]

Did the boyfriends know about each other is what I want to know. Is it like a poly situation or is it a. Oh.

[B]

Do you think that you handle two boyfriends from an organizational perspective, though? Because I think this might be. I tried having two boyfriends and I just can't deal with. With the drama.

[A]

You are so annoying. I couldn't have two annoying people in my lives. You know what I mean? What?

[B]

Just enjoying the devastating silence while we support that for whatever reason you're doing it. Whether you're doing it for you or them. Fuck them. You win. And you can take that whatever way you want. Hard launch into them. Out of them. Next. Hi, I'm Dave from Tameside.

[A]

I want to hard launch my invention of sweatpants for people who are growers and not showers. Can we put some padding in there? That's true. I mean, the great sweatpants thing is not very fair.

[B]

Can we have a moment of brave appreciation for that?

[A]

And he's a grower. It means it grows.

[B]

Said that. Absolutely.

[A]

And growers can get like four times the size.

[B]

Can we talk about the damage and how problematic that four times?

[A]

I mean, I'm not speaking for myself.

[B]

Who are you speaking for, bro? What is Phil speaking on right now?

[A]

I don't want to out anyone's gun length.

[B]

Actually. I think we're talking about also.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

It could grow in any direction.

[A]

It engorges in all ways diagonally. Yeah. I agree. How would it work though? Would it be kind of like a.

[B]

I think it'd be like a football cup situation. You know what I mean? I think that the grey sweatpants trend has set an unhealthy standard for male beauty standards.

[A]

It has.

[B]

And so we either need things that flatten all bulges or increase allbulges.

[A]

This might be a bit like Victorian tablecloth man, but I don't mind seeing a bit of a bulge. I do mind seeing like the entire tip and shaft through the. You know what I mean? Help me, because you must go out.

[B]

I can't believe I've committed to doing a podcast.

[A]

You must go out in the morning, look in the mirror, be like, wow.

[B]

Yeah, No, I agree. It's people. They're making a choice. They're making an intentional choice to inflict that upon the people following them on Instagram.

[A]

Sometimes I'm like, I've seen some put on another layer. The mystery is gone now, Steve.

[B]

Where's the mystery? Exactly. The surprise of grow, show or no, is the entire point of the fun. If you don't have the appeal of knowing what labubu you're gonna get, then. Well, that's the thing, right? What size of cock is in this box?

[A]

Yeah, that's the excitement of Phil is investing.

[B]

That was a great one. All right.

[A]

Okay, let's have one more. Last one.

[D]

I'd quite like to see you hard launch not conserving killer whales. They are not cute, they're not friendly. They're malevolent bullies of the sea that effectively just go around making everyone's lives hell. And there are people out there telling us that need our help. They don't need our help. They're sinking billionaires on yachts.

[B]

Wow. But I mean, did a seal send that in?

[A]

I think they might have done because.

[B]

There was no name there. I think that was from o undisclosed mid Atlantic Ocean.

[A]

Or is one of our first friend's secretly a billionaire? And they don't want to be sunk because surely we want to be cheering them on 100%.

[B]

That was Jeff Bezos with a voice filter or a seal.

[A]

Well, they're always listening, aren't they? Because I get all of the ads that.

[B]

Are you talking about Alexa or seals?

[A]

All of them.

[B]

I was like, what the fuck happened to the seals? Okay. They're always listening. Are they in the room with us right now?

[A]

I don't know. But either way, I'm not going to agree to you. I feel like we should make more killer whales.

[B]

Make more they're made by people. And that is Phil's next fact to go after. Tablecloths are there to stop boats.

[A]

Get in the lab.

[B]

Well, I understand that they're killers, right?

[A]

I feel bad for the seals.

[B]

Yeah. What, when they're being entrapped?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, I feel sorry for the way that you look at your shreddies in the morning. I mean, you're making a goddamn mess of that thing. I am flip over the bowl every.

[A]

Single morning, shoving them right in my blowhole.

[B]

All right, well, this is a safe space, so we want to thank everybody that sent those in.

[A]

Okay. People have lives. We should probably let them leave and go back to what they're up to.

[B]

Phil's already been forcing me to make tiktoks.

[A]

I have.

[B]

I regret this new era.

[A]

I'm excited by it.

[B]

We want to say thank you to everybody for enabling our bullshit. This was already real fun, and I'm gonna regret posting this, but that is what this is all about. Getting stuff your chest. Regretting nothing. Audible fist bump.

[A]

That was very straight, wasn't it?

[B]

Drinking some purple. What should we do? A gay touch.

[A]

There we go. I like unplanned things. I'm just gonna save everything. I was gonna tell Dan randomly and just say it on the podcast.

[B]

We're no longer gonna have actual conversations between the two of us. You're just gonna stare at me and go, oh, sorry. That was gonna be interesting. I'm gonna say it on the podcast.

[A]

Hey, it's Halloween next week. Is it gonna be a spooky one, or is it gonna be a mildly spooky one?

[B]

So look forward to that horrific seasonal yap next time. And every Monday in the safe space that is the Dan and philharmon.

[A]

What a great way to kick off the week, though.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

A Monday, Dan and Phil, this strong.

[B]

Where's it gonna go?

[A]

Downhill.

[B]

Downhill, that's the answer.

[A]

But not our cheeks. Unless you give us.