Draining Richard's Balls

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Draining Richard's Balls (May 11, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In this unfiltered and playful episode of HARD LAUNCH, Dan and Phil present a “Richard’s Balls Special.” Their signature irreverent tone is on full display as they answer random discussion prompts pulled from a gumball machine—named Richard—including the much-anticipated “red ball” challenge. The pair banter about childhood memories, vegan cuisine, embarrassing medical moments, conspiracies, and relationship jealousy, all the while teasing each other and the audience. The episode culminates in the reveal of the enigmatic red ball, setting up next week's content.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Phil’s Absence: Iceland Adventures

• [01:05] Phil explains he’s not present in the studio due to his mum’s 60th birthday trip to Iceland, hilariously describing her lava obsession.
  • Phil Lester: “It's my mum's 60th birthday and she wanted to see some lava.”
  • Dan Howell: “We had a holiday cancel because of the last volcanic explosion in Iceland.”

2. Introducing Richard’s Balls

• [02:01] The premise is set: Dan and Phil will answer prompts randomly drawn from Richard—their gumball machine filled with questions and one “red ball” which contains a special challenge.
  • Phil Lester: "Inside Richard there is a special red ball which contains a horrible challenge designed by one of us for the other person."
  • They reflect on prior challenges, including the infamous muscle suit/Buffy quiz and Phil’s experience with “silicone boobies.”
  • “The red ball has been teasing the rim for, like, a month. So today it…”

3. Childhood Memories & Loose Pounds

• [03:32] The duo reminisces about childhood, including clandestine gifts from “Uncle Norman” and confusion over family dynamics.
  • Standout banter:
    • Dan: “Do you know why Uncle Norman used to press a pound really hard into my hand and then close my hand and then say, don't tell mom and dad, Phil?”
    • Phil: “Norman was our fish.”

4. The Ritual: Drawing the Balls

• Dan and Phil take turns drawing balls, answering the contained prompts with their trademark blend of sincerity and overt silliness.

a. Long Jump & Being the “Nerd in Goal”

• [05:47] Dan shares his claim to fame as the fourth-best long jumper at school. Phil recounts a rare sporting moment when he tackled the head boy during rugby.
  • Phil: “It was one moment where I could actually participate... and then do you know what he did? Went, ‘Oh, that was a nice one.’”
  • They attempt an impromptu studio standing jump (“Show us what the fourth best boy in Rossendale can do!” [08:11])

b. Tofu: The Maligned Superfood

• [09:08] A debate on tofu’s reputation—Dan claims it's “like nothing unless it is seasoned heavily.”
  • Phil: “Tofu gets a bad rap because a lot of people don't know how to make tofu tasty.”
  • They share favorites from “Tofu Vegan” in London.
  • [10:29] Dan: “It will make you have a Food wars style climax when you eat it.”
  • Discussion of “tofu puffs” and the exponential improvement in vegan food options.

c. Colonic Irrigation & Gut Health

• [13:33] Dan delves into medical adventures, recalling his colonoscopy (“It looks like a Mario Kart course in there”).
  • They discuss the trend of colonic irrigation and the importance of gut flora.
  • [15:44] Phil: “You don't want to lobotomize yourself by douching, do you?”
  • Light-hearted speculation about “bottoms with a brain” and the dangers of aggressive cleansing fads.

d. Conspiracies—Plausible and Personal

• [17:45] Prompted to share a “high stakes conspiracy you low key believe,” the duo discuss the moon landing, the edge of the universe, and the reality of the Illuminati.
  • [19:32] Phil: “The Illuminati is real in the sense that it's literally just capitalism.”
  • [20:54] Phil: “You got so excited to expose the truth about our horrible world and you thought it was that the local news lady is a lizard. Yeah, you missed. No, she's not.”

e. Dan & Phil Conspiracies

• [21:09] Reflecting on fan theories, including:
  • The “child in the house” photo misconception.
  • Their infamous “bed-sharing” revelation:
    • [21:18] Dan: “The soft launch before the hard launch.”
    • [21:24] Phil: “Mild gay leaking out of our closet.”

f. Colors, Nightclubs, and Speed Rounds

• [23:30+] More rapid-fire prompts:
  • Most annoying color (“Yellow.” “Brown.” “Bright Ronald McDonald red.”)
  • Grey’s Anatomy—neither watches, both acknowledge the fandom’s intense dedication.
  • Jealousy in relationships—Phil claims to be radically secure; Dan admits to occasional jealousy, mostly about shared traditions or trips.

5. Red Ball Anticipation and the Cheese Cliffhanger

• [29:38] As time runs out (and after much audience teasing and literal manipulation of Richard), the fabled red ball finally appears.
  • [30:09] Phil: “Cheese.”
  • The meaning is left ambiguous, but Dan dreads a cheese-related challenge next week.
  • Dan: “Don’t make me eat cheese.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [02:58] Phil: “We're gonna keep tugging that thing until the ball drops.”
• [07:44] Dan: “They call me the kangaroo of the North.”
• [10:05] Phil: “What you could say is it's really kicked his pussy up the wall.”
• [14:53] Phil: “Colonic irrigation is like a med spa beauty treatment.”
• [15:44] Phil: “You don't want to lobotomize yourself by douching, do you?”
• [19:32] Phil: “The Illuminati is real in the sense that it’s literally just capitalism.”
• [21:24] Phil: “Mild gay leaking out of our closet.”
• [26:37] Dan: “Is that cuz you know how secure you are with me?”
  Phil: “Yes.”
• [29:05] Dan: “I've grown out of nightclubs. I like to be able to talk to my friends in a bar. And I don't like dancing that much.”
• [30:09] Phil: “Cheese.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:05] – Phil’s absence & lava story
• [02:01] – Richard’s balls explained
• [05:47] – Long jump anecdote & live challenge
• [09:08] – The tofu debate
• [13:33] – Colonic irrigation & medical oversharing
• [17:45] – Conspiracy theories (moon landing, Illuminati, capitalism)
• [21:09] – Dan & Phil fan conspiracies
• [23:30] – Most annoying colors
• [24:49] – Grey's Anatomy discussion
• [26:07] – Jealousy in relationships
• [28:22] – Eurotunnel and nightclubs
• [29:40] – The red ball drops / “Cheese” cliffhanger

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Episode Tone & Listener Takeaways

Dan and Phil’s comedic, slightly chaotic energy persists throughout—jumping rapidly between deeply personal admissions, absurd hypotheticals, and self-effacing jokes. Listeners are left anticipating the mysterious cheese-themed challenge next week, while also enjoying candid insights into Dan and Phil’s dynamic—equal parts partnership, friendship, and meta-commentary on their audience’s parasocial investment.

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Patreon & Further Content

• They encourage listeners to join their Patreon for bonus content and continued involvement in the Richard’s balls format.
  • [30:55] Dan: “We’re gonna do three more balls over there… 15 minutes of exclusive fun.”

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Summary

“Draining Richard's Balls” epitomizes HARD LAUNCH’s blend of chaotic humor and real talk, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike. From bodily functions and bad tofu, to healthy skepticism and relationship honesty, Dan and Phil demonstrate there’s no such thing as TMI in their new podcast era.

Transcript

[Advertiser]

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[Dan Howell]

Watch only on Prime May 11. A date that is gonna go down in history amongst all of the 11/7 of months.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, okay, so I'm not here this week. Where am I?

[Dan Howell]

He's away.

[Phil Lester]

It's my mum's 60th birthday and she wanted to see some lava.

[Dan Howell]

So you're in. What the fuck is that about a volcano? Where are you going?

[Phil Lester]

Well, I was like that's very far away to go to Hawaii or something. How's about we go to Iceland and maybe if we're lucky there'll be a volcanic explosion and actually the flight will get canceled and we won't manage to go there. But we're going there.

[Dan Howell]

We had a holiday cancel because of the last volcanic explosion in Iceland.

[Phil Lester]

Dan and Phil were going to go to Portugal.

[Dan Howell]

We were by volcano, remember that?

[Phil Lester]

So Phil's gonna be sat on his ass. I'm gonna fall down a crevasse and so what are we doing today?

[Dan Howell]

We are doing something that is gonna go down in history. Special episode, special ep pop pop popo. 3, 2, 1.

[Phil Lester]

Bring em in Rich. Sure.

[Dan Howell]

For many weeks who gave birth to that?

[Phil Lester]

That's painful.

[Dan Howell]

Richard has released their balls upon us and filled us with questions, phrases and various things to talk about.

[Phil Lester]

And yet for many weeks the red ball has been teasing the rim.

[Dan Howell]

It's been teasing the rim so hard.

[Phil Lester]

If you don't know what this means. Inside Richard there is a special red ball which contains a horrible challenge designed by one of us for the other person. Now I've already suffered the Phil challeng

[Dan Howell]

which was Dan having to give me a buffy quiz while in a muscle suit.

[Phil Lester]

I was colorful and I had silicone boobies hard launched. Here they are right now.

[Dan Howell]

Hard pec.

[Phil Lester]

Boo Boo.

[Dan Howell]

I enjoyed that one.

[Phil Lester]

It was cold and it was clammy.

[Dan Howell]

I'm nervous of what you've got planned for me. All I know is when you wrote in the ball, you wrote, like one word.

[Phil Lester]

It was short. And all the viewers know is that that thing has been tickling the rim for, like, a month. So today it. Phil.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna keep tugging that thing until the ball drops.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

It might not happen. This is a fair game, you know, it's like one of those government regulation game show things. We're gonna do a podcast episode and we're gonna answer Richards in a non rushed manner.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

And if the red ball comes, then you should see a doctor.

[Dan Howell]

We're gonna keep. There's gonna be a variety of convers. What are you doing? Oh, you're getting the money out of your pocket. It looked like you had some kind of rash.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

You want some Lizzies?

[Dan Howell]

So many coins.

[Phil Lester]

Wasn't that like a fucking childhood dream?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Loose pound. Loose pound on the phone.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Whoever finds it gets.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know why Uncle Norman used to press a pound really hard into my hand and then close my hand and then say, don't tell mom and dad, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Norman was our fish.

[Dan Howell]

No, my Uncle Norman.

[Phil Lester]

Do we believe him?

[Dan Howell]

He wasn't my real uncle. He was just like my grandma's friend.

[Phil Lester]

So your grandma had an imaginary friend?

[Dan Howell]

No, he was a real friend.

[Phil Lester]

Your grandma cheated on your granddad?

[Dan Howell]

No, my granddad was dead.

[Phil Lester]

Your postman?

[Dan Howell]

My grand. My grand.

[Phil Lester]

So that's fine because she'd moved on.

[Dan Howell]

No, but he was just like the friend Norman. Okay, he's also dead. That was weird. Let's not talk about that, okay?

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Right.

[Advertiser]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry. I'm sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna be doing this a while, and I don't.

[Dan Howell]

The trolley is part of his body. He removed his legs.

[Phil Lester]

She's had an important operation.

[Dan Howell]

You've not prepared for this. Oh, Dan was just lifting Richard.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, you've got loose pounds on your crotch. How do you know?

[Dan Howell]

That's how I like it.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, pound the crotch.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. How's this gonna work?

[Phil Lester]

Come, Molly.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, come Moly. Found the alarm. Can't talk about that anymore. What a devastating loss to pop culture. Just don't like Nicki Minaj. Couldn't she just not.

[Dan Howell]

No, like, fuck it.

[Phil Lester]

Hello.

[Dan Howell]

Just don't do it.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine contributing that much iconicness. Imagine, like, bees in the Trap being like a relatively fresh meme of an underrepresented old song of yours.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And then it's like you immediately fuck it.

[Dan Howell]

It's such a shame. Anyway, how are we doing this?

[Phil Lester]

You put a pound in it.

[Dan Howell]

No, I know.

[Phil Lester]

And then a ball comes out and then you crack open the ball and there's a piece of paper and then you read it.

[Dan Howell]

Are we just doing like one each until we get the red ball? What if we get the red ball second? Does the episode end?

[Phil Lester]

Do you want it to? No, three minute episode.

[Dan Howell]

I want the episode to go on for a normal length of time.

[Phil Lester]

Well, then that's the rule, bro.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, right here we our first Richard turning and pulling, please.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, wait. Why is it wet? Oh, Richard pissed.

[Dan Howell]

He was scared.

[Phil Lester]

Look, Richard. Phil.

[Dan Howell]

They were scared.

[Phil Lester]

Phil. No.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Richard's pronouns are he or she, but not they. Okay, we've been over this.

[Dan Howell]

It's happening.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine if that was the red one straight away.

[Dan Howell]

It's a pink ball. And our first topic of conversation on this Richard special is. Oh, a strong crack.

[Phil Lester]

Wow, this is fucking excruciating. Isn't it, everybody?

[Dan Howell]

The long jump.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, God, you don't know what you've done. What? Oh, go on, Phil. Tell us about your long jump career.

[Dan Howell]

We've already talked about this at length, I think on this podcast. But I was the fourth best long jumper at my school, which meant I had respect from the other boys. But I didn't get to go to inter school sports sports and compete.

[Phil Lester]

Was it only top three?

[Dan Howell]

Top three, got to go.

[Phil Lester]

I briefly got respect from the boys in my school when I back at

[Dan Howell]

the rug bike sheds.

[Phil Lester]

I'm trying to sincerely talk about the one moment where I was accepted by the lads film.

[Dan Howell]

Go on, go on.

[Phil Lester]

Rugby. Tackled the head boy.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

And he fucking ate shit.

[Dan Howell]

Really? You fully tackled him.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I like you playing football. Soccer was like stood in the middle of the field at the back or in goal. Side note. When you're playing football with a nerd, why do you put them in goal and then complain when they don't care?

[Dan Howell]

It's so stressful.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not gonna die. No, I'm not gonna do it.

[Dan Howell]

It's the worst place to put the nerd.

[Phil Lester]

Just play with minus one person. I'm just taking up space that you could use to like run past or something.

[Dan Howell]

You should have done what I did and said you had a broken toe and then done community service and helped out Alice getting her shopping every day.

[Phil Lester]

I did not have the option to do that.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

But rugby, I participated. One day I was stood there in the mud and I just had. It was like an impulsive thought. It was one moment where I could actually participate.

[Dan Howell]

You could do it.

[Phil Lester]

I could actually, in this moment, just fucking dive. Just get rid of someone's ankles and, you know, rugby football, shove them to the ground. You gotta dive towards someone's spokey feet as they're running.

[Dan Howell]

You do.

[Phil Lester]

And I just did it. And then do you know what he did? It went. Oh, that was a nice one.

[Dan Howell]

Really? You could have been a jock.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

What's a British version of a jock? A twat. I feel like we've meandered from long jump. Why don't we do a standing jump here in the studio and see who can jump the first furthest.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, I'm not wearing appropriate shoes.

[Dan Howell]

You gotta go for it.

[Phil Lester]

Trousers.

[Dan Howell]

Right. Three, two, one, jump. Oh, wait, that was. That was far. You ended there. Yeah, okay, he's there.

[Phil Lester]

I'm doing the drum ball. Titty slap.

[Dan Howell]

Right? I'm gonna fall back half.

[Phil Lester]

Please don't flash anyone. Any malfunctions are gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

Ready?

[Phil Lester]

Please don't kick the camera. Please don't kick me.

[Dan Howell]

And swing in.

[Phil Lester]

Show us what the fourth best boy in Rossendale can do. You beat me by a solid dish.

[Dan Howell]

They call me the kangaroo of the North.

[Phil Lester]

Phil the Inch Lester.

[Dan Howell]

They'll call me Phil the Inch Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Is that what they called you in the showers?

[Dan Howell]

They actually called me. I can't say what. They called me Gaylord. Yeah, that gave me a headache. So I feel like I'm built for long jump.

[Phil Lester]

Well, thank God it was quite a long, illustrious career. Didn't work out.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like my brain is quite loose in my head. So whenever I like, move too fast, it bounces around.

[Phil Lester]

The juice is loose.

[Dan Howell]

The juice is loose.

[Phil Lester]

The goose is loose. Next. Can you fucking keep your hands to yourself?

[Dan Howell]

I want to help.

[Phil Lester]

No, look at it.

[Dan Howell]

Drumroll, drumroll.

[Phil Lester]

Look at it, look at it, look at it.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, oh, wait, no, it just pushed forward the hole. Stop it. That's. You're messing with fate. God will judge you. Oh, it's a blue ball.

[Phil Lester]

Isn't it always?

[Dan Howell]

My balls are blue. This is tofu.

[Phil Lester]

Hi, tofu. And what does tofu.

[Dan Howell]

No, this is. The topic is tofu.

[Phil Lester]

I was like non binary ass listener,

[Dan Howell]

not a non binary follower.

[Phil Lester]

Fucking Dan and Phil moment. What does tofu have to say? I'm sure, yeah, yeah. You've been following us on Tumblr since 2011.

[Dan Howell]

No, it's tofu.

[Phil Lester]

The concept of tofu.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Kind of tastes like nothing it tastes

[Dan Howell]

like nothing unless it is seasoned heavily.

[Phil Lester]

Vehicle for the sauce is not a potato. Very similar.

[Dan Howell]

People that are eating the pure cube of tofu with no seasoning. You're doing it wrong.

[Phil Lester]

What in the British, you can fry

[Dan Howell]

it, you can paprika it. Seasonings rather season it and then it's great.

[Phil Lester]

Tofu gets a bad rap because a lot of people don't know how to make tofu tasty. And therefore they have really shitty bland experiences of either sloppy or spongy tofu.

[Dan Howell]

What I will say is vegan food in the last five years has become so much better.

[Phil Lester]

What you could say is it's really kicked his pussy up the wall.

[Dan Howell]

It's kicked his pussy up the wall.

[Phil Lester]

One of our favorite restaurant chains in London, Tofu vegan.

[Dan Howell]

It's like Chinese food. It's better than normal Chinese food. It's so good. Their sweet and sour chicken or whatever it is is incredible.

[Phil Lester]

No, it's their like gongbao. Tofu is straight up tofu. And it's the most delicious thing we've ever had in our life. Because you're just having a shit ton of sugar and garlic.

[Dan Howell]

It will make you have a Food wars style climax when you eat it.

[Phil Lester]

Tongue asm.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember?

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember food was.

[Dan Howell]

This was an anime. When something tasted so delicious, the characters flew off.

[Phil Lester]

Metaphorically. Orgasm, essentially.

[Dan Howell]

It was like they had food orgasms in each show. And it got more and more extreme the more tasty the food was.

[Phil Lester]

And that put a lot of people off. And it was a bit weird.

[Dan Howell]

Didn't put me off.

[Phil Lester]

But it turned out it was actually peak anime.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Advertiser]

Have you ever had tofu puffs?

[Dan Howell]

I've never had a tofu puff.

[Advertiser]

This is the best way that you can possibly eat tofu.

[Dan Howell]

Apparently. Tofu puffs, according to What'd you call me? Layla, are the best way to have a tofu.

[Phil Lester]

And I'm a woke homosexual. But you need to be nice to me on our podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I'm sorry.

[Phil Lester]

So, yeah, tofu has the power for great blandness or extreme vehicles for pleasure.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Like Dan and Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. If you want to hide from the lizard people. What is better than the sponsor of today's video? NordVPN. Wow. Wow what?

[Phil Lester]

That was organically selected by Richard.

[Dan Howell]

I know.

[Phil Lester]

So here you are with a segue.

[Dan Howell]

I've got to do it.

[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

NORDVPN is like putting a blanket over yourself when you're using your phone on a plane.

[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

That's great.

[Phil Lester]

Don't let them get you. Get them.

[Dan Howell]

We've done that before. Also, if you want to switch your location when you wanted to watch a show like we were trying to watch

[Phil Lester]

hacks, release the hacks now.

[Dan Howell]

Change to the usa.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not waiting for my American friends, which is helpful. Yeah. 10 devices at once. Put it on your fridge. Put it on your plug.

[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

Nord girl.

[Advertiser]

Winter is so last season. And now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders that perfect hang on the patio sundress. Those sandals you can wear all day and all night. And you've had enough of shopping from your couch. Done. Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic.

[Phil Lester]

Next. Okay, here we go.

[Dan Howell]

I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna influence this red ball. Oh, it went further up.

[Phil Lester]

It's raising up.

[Dan Howell]

That's what you get. That's what you get. You're defying gravity

[Phil Lester]

to see the person who screamed the atta or the marathon didn't hit a single note icon.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, it would have inspired her to run away.

[Phil Lester]

Mmm. Faster.

[Dan Howell]

Get away from Wicked. We're gonna talk about colonic irrigation. I have had my colon explored for medical purposes.

[Phil Lester]

Irrigated like an expensive garden.

[Dan Howell]

Not irrigated. I've not had the irrigation. I've just had the colonoscopy, which I talked about at length on YouTube. And I was making comments about Mario Kart because I was drugged up. I was like, it looks like a Mario Kart course in there.

[Phil Lester]

Chocolate Mountain. We don't need to go there.

[Dan Howell]

It was actually clean and clear and pink.

[Phil Lester]

It was. It was Rosalina's ice world.

[Dan Howell]

Because the night before, you have to do a colonoscopy, you have to have prep where you drink this laxative and you are cleared out.

[Phil Lester]

And trust me, you don't want to go out after you've drunk that fluid, because at any moment, something upsetting is gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

It's so bad. We were playing this tabletop game with our friends over the Internet, and I was like, I'm gonna have to leave every 20 minutes because, oh, my God,

[Phil Lester]

I remember that we were doing, like, a tabletop RPG online, and Phil just said to our friends, look, every 15 minutes, I'm gonna have to run for three minutes. No, you just have to accept it.

[Dan Howell]

What you learn is you need really, a free evening. Free evening. Have you ever had a colonic irrigation?

[Phil Lester]

Well, here's the thing.

[Dan Howell]

What,

[Phil Lester]

Water in your butt? It's more likely than you think.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Colonic irrigation is like a med spa beauty treatment.

[Dan Howell]

It is.

[Phil Lester]

It's not people doing it for the procedure. No, people go doing it for the cleansing.

[Dan Howell]

Lads night out. Let's get our colons cleansed.

[Phil Lester]

Haven't heard that one before, but what would I know? I'm not a lad, not part of the culture. People say, yeah, it's good for me. Cause I'm gonna be so clean on the inside. It's actually bad for you because your gut flora is. That keeps you regular and keeps things good. And actually, if you completely empty out the thing that you've got going on, your body is like, well, what the fuck?

[Dan Howell]

Is that why I'm getting all those Instagram ads for, like, probiotic supplement your digestive guts?

[Phil Lester]

We're not trying to evacuate you. People are trying to aggressively probiotic you.

[Dan Howell]

Hank Green was saying, your gut biome is your second brain.

[Phil Lester]

Well, exactly. You don't want to lobotomize yourself by douching, do you?

[Dan Howell]

No, I mean.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that's why bottoms are dumb.

[Dan Howell]

Is it?

[Phil Lester]

I'm allowed to say that.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

This is a comedy podcast.

[Dan Howell]

It's a comedy podcast. We're not making any real assumptions about anyone's positions. That would mean.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, bottoms with a brain. Bottoms with a brain should start a charity.

[Dan Howell]

They should. I was thinking, like, if someone's saying, I want to have a KitKat, is that actually being decided by my colon?

[Phil Lester]

Wow, that would explain so much about the shit that comes out your mouth. Because literally, I.

[Dan Howell]

Like when I said, have you had a colonic irrigation? You didn't say yes or no.

[Phil Lester]

Right, my turn. Let's.

[Dan Howell]

Is now not the time to talk about it?

[Phil Lester]

Let's crank that soldier boy.

[Dan Howell]

You apparently you can actually get at home colonic irrigation kits off Amazon. I would not do this by the way. It sounds dangerous. And one of the comments says it cleaned you so well I lifted off the toilet bowl.

[Phil Lester]

Tmi, Susan. Sometimes you don't need to be the Amazon review influencer that you dream to be.

[Dan Howell]

Also I heard. No, I already said that.

[Phil Lester]

Well, you gotta say it now.

[Dan Howell]

No, it's not interesting.

[Phil Lester]

You gotta say it now and we'll all judge. Everybody lock in. Phil's gonna say something that he thought was not interesting enough to say.

[Dan Howell]

I saw a TikTok about different ways people douche.

[Phil Lester]

How is this possibly uninteresting? I'm scared for so many reasons, but boredom is not one of them.

[Dan Howell]

Apparently some people are buying shower attachments that go all the way up your ass, like really deep. And firstly, don't do that for too long. That's a danger of perforating your colon. Yeah, you don't have to do that much. No, if it's coming out your mouth when you're spraying it.

[Phil Lester]

That's not how anatomy works. Fan fiction writers. Water comes out quite quickly.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that's the danger. People are doing hot taps as well. They're getting a lot of that in hospitals because they've connected to their shower and gone woof. Moral of the story boiled from the inside.

[Phil Lester]

Do less. All right, maybe the real Red Ball was that every single question we answered along the way to the Red Bull.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe it was. This is all Red Ball.

[Phil Lester]

This one is from Lucky Th who says what conspiracy do you low key believe and why? Oh, recently we did low stakes conspiracies. Yes, but what is a high stake conspiracy that you low key believe? Moon landing real because the Soviets would have exposed it.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, it was very controversial. When I said I don't believe that the universe is infinite, people were a bit mad at me of that one.

[Phil Lester]

But I do you know what? I've been fermenting like a healthy gut on that.

[Dan Howell]

Take ruminating.

[Phil Lester]

And I agree.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

I think that space may be infinite.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

But I don't think that out there right now is a planet where there is a podcast called Hard Launch with Dan and Phil. But we are shrimp. No, just because space is infinite doesn't

[Dan Howell]

mean that everything that's happened will happen. Yeah, that's like too much.

[Phil Lester]

Because there's gonna be jellyfish, aliens, but there's not gonna be another human race, but blah, blah, blah. And then everything is a purple triangle. Yeah, so that's what we mean by that. And Phil, I low key agree.

[Dan Howell]

Although I think there's an edge and I wanna visit it.

[Phil Lester]

You think there's an edge?

[Dan Howell]

I think there's an edge, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

But you don't wanna visit it. That sounds scary. We talked about how you wouldn't want to go to the moon. Because it's scary.

[Dan Howell]

Because I'm comfy in my own skin.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly. You're happy next to your lava lamp. You don't need to be on Artemis 3.

[Dan Howell]

No, I don't believe in flat earth. Well, good.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, the bar is fucking low.

[Dan Howell]

I know, but we've literally been into the sky and looked at the earth and seen it, so it's not like even something we need to theorize.

[Phil Lester]

A fucking primary school can send a loaf of bread into the atmosphere with a shitty camera and see that it's round.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, there is a ball. What about the Illuminati? Do you think they're out there and listening to us?

[Phil Lester]

Tea?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Male podcast moment. Are you ready for three hours of the Fan Rogan experience?

[Dan Howell]

Okay, go on.

[Phil Lester]

The Illuminati is real in the sense that it's literally just capitalism.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Is there a group of men in robes that are controlling the world? Firstly, have you seen how fucking stupid the people controlling the world is right now? We let Liz Truss be Prime Minister.

[Dan Howell]

Terrible.

[Phil Lester]

You think that there is an Illuminati out there? No, we live in absolute moron universe 9000 right now. We're in like silly Billy timeline.

[Dan Howell]

Freefall, hell, chaos, horror.

[Phil Lester]

Right now. No one's pulling the strings other than just billionaires, investment companies. It's about.

[Dan Howell]

It all leads down to feeding the capitalist monster.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, exactly, Phil. Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

And no matter how much we don't like it, we're all part of that machine.

[Phil Lester]

You're just like. You're just saying things and it worked out and that's fine. Okay. Yeah. Dangerous game. But respect. I encourage people to be skeptical, okay? And the bedrock of conspiracy theorists is having problems with things and questioning things.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

The problem is there's a lot of people out there that are like, I believe in this conspiracy theory. And it's like, oh, babe, almost. But you didn't realize that the problem is actually capitalism, not lizard people on the news. So you got so excited to expose the truth about our horrible world and you thought it was that the local news lady is a lizard. Yeah, you missed. No, she's not.

[Dan Howell]

You missed them all.

[Phil Lester]

But the billionaire that owns the news agency is also not a lizard, but is awful. And that's. You know, there are great causes out there to be conspiracy theorists about. Don't stop at the weird shit.

[Dan Howell]

Do the things that actually make a difference. Like what about the Dan and Phil conspiracy theories? We covered those on tour. We surprised everyone by saying we shared a bed before we even came out as gay.

[Phil Lester]

The soft launch before the hard launch.

[Dan Howell]

That was a soft launch before the hard launch.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. A little tease of gay for the people that bought a tour ticket.

[Dan Howell]

Mild gay leaking out of our closet.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no. Were there any other low key Dan and Phil conspiracies that we didn't cover?

[Dan Howell]

There was a conspiracy. We had a child because there was like a photograph of like a child's hand in the background of a photo that we had.

[Phil Lester]

Why was there.

[Dan Howell]

And that was just our friend that visited that had a kid that was in our house. Oh, my God. So there was a child there. Not our child.

[Phil Lester]

Devastating. I wouldn't trust you around. You'd be a great dad.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you.

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[Phil Lester]

All right.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Dad. He's manipulating Richard's balls.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just doing an organic. The hole is at the back.

[Dan Howell]

This is not organic. This is genetically modified.

[Phil Lester]

Richard, it was never gonna happen. It was trapped at the bottom of the front.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

And now it's at the back.

[Dan Howell]

Let's have a spin.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry. Is anyone in the comments mad that I just moved the Red Bull nearer the hole?

[Dan Howell]

Well, let's find out.

[Phil Lester]

Is anyone like.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

I hate content. Please don't reveal the fun thing I want to see in 10 years.

[Dan Howell]

It's a blue ball.

[Phil Lester]

That happens. Apparently it's a real thing.

[Dan Howell]

What is the most annoying color? The most annoying color?

[Phil Lester]

Yellow.

[Dan Howell]

Yellow.

[Phil Lester]

Woof.

[Dan Howell]

It's very bright, but it's quite springy and beautiful, though.

[Phil Lester]

No. Look at that. Got 2B glue haircan. It's like, fuck off.

[Dan Howell]

I would say, ah.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it's aggressive. Look at all these nice colors. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

I would say primary yellow is like, warning.

[Phil Lester]

Look at your trousers. Look at your shoes. Look at your T shirt. Look at everything that I'm wearing.

[Dan Howell]

That might be an evolutionary thing because lots of wasps and spiders have this color on them.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

So that's why you're put off.

[Phil Lester]

Snickers.

[Dan Howell]

Danger.

[Phil Lester]

Horrible.

[Dan Howell]

I would say red is also a bit annoying.

[Phil Lester]

Ugh, God. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

If it's like a bright red.

[Phil Lester]

Bright Ronald McDonald red.

[Dan Howell]

But my personal most annoying color is brown. Just because I don't suit it.

[Phil Lester]

It annoys you.

[Dan Howell]

It annoys me.

[Phil Lester]

You see brown and you're just like,

[Dan Howell]

if I see an fucking off white.

[Phil Lester]

Stop.

[Dan Howell]

If I see an amazing T shirt and it's brown, I'm like, oh, well, now I can't get it.

[Phil Lester]

And now I'm annoyed.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I like this attitude. Phil absolutely cranks out.

[Dan Howell]

Speed round. Speed round.

[Phil Lester]

C' est moi. Another bright yellow one. Yeah. Ugh, God, this is so annoying.

[Dan Howell]

I've been clutching these balls for ages.

[Phil Lester]

I love it. Have a third one. Juggle them. Fuck it. Well, you couldn't even pick it up. Grey's Anatomy. Oh, so long.

[Dan Howell]

Grey's Anatomy.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, we're talking about the medical textbook?

[Dan Howell]

No, the actual TV show.

[Phil Lester]

No, not the thing the show's named after. The actual show.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I've never seen it, so here's some things without context that I've just seen. Meredith is in it. Lots of people die in horrible ways that you like. Hospital surgery happens. What do you know about Grey's Anatomy?

[Phil Lester]

Fuck all. I just know that it's really long and lots of people watch it. And then other people were like, maybe it shouldn't have continued so long.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I know. It's got, like, 21 seasons, so it's a real. Apparently, though.

[Phil Lester]

Get that bag. Actors.

[Dan Howell]

When you watch it, it's so addictive. It sends you into kind of a spiral that you can't escape from.

[Phil Lester]

We know a few people that have watched it and they've watched the whole thing several times, which sounds like hundreds of hours of dedication, so it must be peak.

[Dan Howell]

But I know Someone that watches it, and they're like, it's literally hurting me, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. I work at the hospital now.

[Phil Lester]

Please comment below if you have similar experiences with the Hard Launch podcast.

[Dan Howell]

It's quite dangerous, right? Calm.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, wait, I'm looking.

[Dan Howell]

She's entered the crack. Oh, it's a pink ball with a bonus hat.

[Phil Lester]

Fuck. Whoever left that question, you can have another one to hold as your little toy.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you. Oh, good crack.

[Phil Lester]

Jealousy.

[Dan Howell]

Jealousy.

[Phil Lester]

Now we're getting into it on that Dan and Phil relationship podcast.

[Dan Howell]

That's a big one. I would say Jealous Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Look at Jealous Dan.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot of. I've seen a lot of memes.

[Phil Lester]

Look at Jealous Dan. Oh, my God. Jealous Dan.

[Dan Howell]

I've seen a lot of comments and memes about Jealous Dan. Would you say when I talk about other men, you get jealous?

[Phil Lester]

Am I supposed to do the parasocial thing where I reinforce everybody's nice headcanon right now, or am I honest on the male podcast?

[Dan Howell]

I think you'd be honest on our male podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I don't give a fuck.

[Dan Howell]

Is that cuz you know how secure you are with me?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Right?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Because I wouldn't have it better anywhere else.

[Phil Lester]

I don't care. I'm fine. I'm fine.

[Dan Howell]

You chill.

[Phil Lester]

And there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, there's no insulting. It's just like, I'm radically at peace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine.

[Dan Howell]

If it happens, it happens.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And I'm like, maybe just. I just have resting jealous face.

[Dan Howell]

Just say you've been a tiny bit jealous. Otherwise it sounds like you don't like me.

[Phil Lester]

I would be jealous if Phil.

[Dan Howell]

What if I got fries with someone else on a Saturday night while watching an episode of Drag Race without you,

[Phil Lester]

I would be annoyed. That's our thing.

[Dan Howell]

Jealous. Yeah, jealous. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Jealous.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, Blake, this fry was so salty.

[Phil Lester]

Jealous and envious. What's the one where you're like, I want what they have, or it's like, I'm afraid of losing something.

[Dan Howell]

Jealous is you're afraid of losing it.

[Phil Lester]

I feel comfortable that we would have fries again next week.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. That's very mature of you.

[Phil Lester]

Are you jealous?

[Dan Howell]

I think I can be.

[Phil Lester]

I'm envious. I look at other people and I'm like, I deserve that.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

There's very little where I'm like, no. This thing in my life. I'm insecure that I'm not gonna have it anymore. Ah. I just look at Other people.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm like, yeah, I get quite jealous if you're doing something and I'm not invited. I'm like, I want to be there too.

[Phil Lester]

Give me one example from the last 15 years.

[Dan Howell]

Like, you're going to Iceland with your family and I'm quite jealous. I would like to go to Iceland.

[Phil Lester]

But do you want to come to Iceland with Dan, his mum and his brother? No, that's a bit random.

[Dan Howell]

No, I mean, I just don't want to do the exercise part of it. I just want to see the cool things.

[Phil Lester]

I will take lots of photos and I'll FaceTime you from a. I was about to say Giza. From fucking dead and boiled as fuck.

[Dan Howell]

From inside the volcano glacier.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, all right, Phil, I think this has to be you. Snow's moment. Crank that, whatever shape it is. Dodeca Hussey.

[Dan Howell]

Here we go.

[Phil Lester]

Please, please.

[Dan Howell]

No. It's a blue ball. The Eurotunnel.

[Phil Lester]

It's good. I like being able to get a train to France. It's, like, really cool, but it's also expensive. Also, why is checking in there like going to a flight? They've made it really fucked up for no reason.

[Dan Howell]

As a kid, I thought I'd be able to see the fish out the window. So I was very disappointed the entire time.

[Phil Lester]

We drove our car onto the train and I thought that'd be cool. But you're just like, driving into a horse carriage and it looks like shit.

[Dan Howell]

Why didn't they make it transparent?

[Phil Lester]

Cool in theory. Expensive practice.

[Dan Howell]

Come on, science. Here's a pink ball.

[Phil Lester]

Fillers. If you want them, get em. Don't get too many, then you'll look weird.

[Dan Howell]

I've already got very random cheeks.

[Phil Lester]

You look like a hamster snuffling truffles away on any given day.

[Dan Howell]

People are jealous of these cheekbones.

[Phil Lester]

If you want the fillers, get them. But also, we shouldn't live in a society where people should feel like they have to look like influencers. Right, next. Cut the Fuck it.

[Dan Howell]

Come on. Even I want it to happen now. Oh, my God, it's a yellow ball. Wait, we're running out of time. Answer it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Nightclubs. I've grown out of nightclubs. I like to be able to talk to my friends in a bar. And I don't like dancing that much.

[Phil Lester]

I do like dancing and getting drunk. I don't do it enough. I should get out more.

[Dan Howell]

Really?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Do you actually want to go to nightclubs?

[Phil Lester]

Not, like, often, but, like, more often really than the once. A year? Yeah. When are we going down to Phil Heaven? Friday night. Give it a jostle. Here we go.

[Dan Howell]

Come on, Phil.

[Advertiser]

Are you ready?

[Dan Howell]

I'm ready. It's a red ball. It's happened, Phil. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

It's been a beautiful Richard special. What? I will miss you when I'm in Iceland. I hope that everybody has enjoyed this because next week. Something's happening.

[Dan Howell]

I'm scared. Pop it.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. I need to do that grip strength thing more.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

God didn't want this to happen.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, here it is. On a red piece of paper, no less. What does it say?

[Phil Lester]

Cheese.

[Dan Howell]

No cheese. Dan, I thought you liked me. What does that mean? What's gonna happen next week, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Next week. Cheese.

[Dan Howell]

What does that mean?

[Phil Lester]

It could mean anything.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no. I'm sweating. Don't make me eat cheese.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I'm gonna have a lovely cold week away. I hope you've enjoyed this bonus episode.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Next week I get my revenge. I would like to say thank you to Richard. Thank you to the people who gave us this idea. This was great. Let's do it more often. You should go follow us over on patreon.com Dan and Phil, where you can just follow us as a free user. And Phil will ask for more input on how we should fill Richard's balls.

[Dan Howell]

We will. If you liked our float, we're gonna do three more balls over our.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I wish they kept going. We will.

[Dan Howell]

Over there.

[Phil Lester]

15 minutes of exclusive fun where we say crazy shit thinking that people aren't gonna snitch on us.

[Dan Howell]

Patreon.com danandphil Come join it. If you wanna watch that, just try it out.

[Phil Lester]

It's a good time.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks for joining the special

[Phil Lester]

and we'll see you next time.

[Dan Howell]

Like a cherry on top. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on

[Phil Lester]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual.

[Dan Howell]

Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone.

[Advertiser]

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[Phil Lester]

What is this your first date?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways. Get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent. Liberty. Liberty.

[Dan Howell]

Liberty.

[Phil Lester]

Liberty.