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Dan Howell
Watch only on Prime May 11. A date that is gonna go down in history amongst all of the 11/7 of months.
Phil Lester
Yeah, okay, so I'm not here this week. Where am I?
Dan Howell
He's away.
Phil Lester
It's my mum's 60th birthday and she wanted to see some lava.
Dan Howell
So you're in. What the fuck is that about a volcano? Where are you going?
Phil Lester
Well, I was like that's very far away to go to Hawaii or something. How's about we go to Iceland and maybe if we're lucky there'll be a volcanic explosion and actually the flight will get canceled and we won't manage to go there. But we're going there.
Dan Howell
We had a holiday cancel because of the last volcanic explosion in Iceland.
Phil Lester
Dan and Phil were going to go to Portugal.
Dan Howell
We were by volcano, remember that?
Phil Lester
So Phil's gonna be sat on his ass. I'm gonna fall down a crevasse and so what are we doing today?
Dan Howell
We are doing something that is gonna go down in history. Special episode, special ep pop pop popo. 3, 2, 1.
Phil Lester
Bring em in Rich. Sure.
Dan Howell
For many weeks who gave birth to that?
Phil Lester
That's painful.
Dan Howell
Richard has released their balls upon us and filled us with questions, phrases and various things to talk about.
Phil Lester
And yet for many weeks the red ball has been teasing the rim.
Dan Howell
It's been teasing the rim so hard.
Phil Lester
If you don't know what this means. Inside Richard there is a special red ball which contains a horrible challenge designed by one of us for the other person. Now I've already suffered the Phil challeng
Dan Howell
which was Dan having to give me a buffy quiz while in a muscle suit.
Phil Lester
I was colorful and I had silicone boobies hard launched. Here they are right now.
Dan Howell
Hard pec.
Phil Lester
Boo Boo.
Dan Howell
I enjoyed that one.
Phil Lester
It was cold and it was clammy.
Dan Howell
I'm nervous of what you've got planned for me. All I know is when you wrote in the ball, you wrote, like one word.
Phil Lester
It was short. And all the viewers know is that that thing has been tickling the rim for, like, a month. So today it. Phil.
Dan Howell
What?
Phil Lester
We're gonna keep tugging that thing until the ball drops.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
It might not happen. This is a fair game, you know, it's like one of those government regulation game show things. We're gonna do a podcast episode and we're gonna answer Richards in a non rushed manner.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
And if the red ball comes, then you should see a doctor.
Dan Howell
We're gonna keep. There's gonna be a variety of convers. What are you doing? Oh, you're getting the money out of your pocket. It looked like you had some kind of rash.
Phil Lester
Oh.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
You want some Lizzies?
Dan Howell
So many coins.
Phil Lester
Wasn't that like a fucking childhood dream?
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
Loose pound. Loose pound on the phone.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
Whoever finds it gets.
Dan Howell
Do you know why Uncle Norman used to press a pound really hard into my hand and then close my hand and then say, don't tell mom and dad, Phil.
Phil Lester
Norman was our fish.
Dan Howell
No, my Uncle Norman.
Phil Lester
Do we believe him?
Dan Howell
He wasn't my real uncle. He was just like my grandma's friend.
Phil Lester
So your grandma had an imaginary friend?
Dan Howell
No, he was a real friend.
Phil Lester
Your grandma cheated on your granddad?
Dan Howell
No, my granddad was dead.
Phil Lester
Your postman?
Dan Howell
My grand. My grand.
Phil Lester
So that's fine because she'd moved on.
Dan Howell
No, but he was just like the friend Norman. Okay, he's also dead. That was weird. Let's not talk about that, okay?
Phil Lester
Okay.
Dan Howell
Right.
Advertiser
Okay.
Phil Lester
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God. What are you doing?
Phil Lester
We're gonna be doing this a while, and I don't.
Dan Howell
The trolley is part of his body. He removed his legs.
Phil Lester
She's had an important operation.
Dan Howell
You've not prepared for this. Oh, Dan was just lifting Richard.
Phil Lester
Phil, you've got loose pounds on your crotch. How do you know?
Dan Howell
That's how I like it.
Phil Lester
Okay, pound the crotch.
Dan Howell
Okay. How's this gonna work?
Phil Lester
Come, Molly.
Dan Howell
No.
Phil Lester
Oh, come Moly. Found the alarm. Can't talk about that anymore. What a devastating loss to pop culture. Just don't like Nicki Minaj. Couldn't she just not.
Dan Howell
No, like, fuck it.
Phil Lester
Hello.
Dan Howell
Just don't do it.
Phil Lester
Imagine contributing that much iconicness. Imagine, like, bees in the Trap being like a relatively fresh meme of an underrepresented old song of yours.
Dan Howell
Yeah.
Phil Lester
And then it's like you immediately fuck it.
Dan Howell
It's such a shame. Anyway, how are we doing this?
Phil Lester
You put a pound in it.
Dan Howell
No, I know.
Phil Lester
And then a ball comes out and then you crack open the ball and there's a piece of paper and then you read it.
Dan Howell
Are we just doing like one each until we get the red ball? What if we get the red ball second? Does the episode end?
Phil Lester
Do you want it to? No, three minute episode.
Dan Howell
I want the episode to go on for a normal length of time.
Phil Lester
Well, then that's the rule, bro.
Dan Howell
Okay, right here we our first Richard turning and pulling, please.
Phil Lester
Wait, wait. Why is it wet? Oh, Richard pissed.
Dan Howell
He was scared.
Phil Lester
Look, Richard. Phil.
Dan Howell
They were scared.
Phil Lester
Phil. No.
Dan Howell
What?
Phil Lester
Richard's pronouns are he or she, but not they. Okay, we've been over this.
Dan Howell
It's happening.
Phil Lester
Imagine if that was the red one straight away.
Dan Howell
It's a pink ball. And our first topic of conversation on this Richard special is. Oh, a strong crack.
Phil Lester
Wow, this is fucking excruciating. Isn't it, everybody?
Dan Howell
The long jump.
Phil Lester
Oh, God, you don't know what you've done. What? Oh, go on, Phil. Tell us about your long jump career.
Dan Howell
We've already talked about this at length, I think on this podcast. But I was the fourth best long jumper at my school, which meant I had respect from the other boys. But I didn't get to go to inter school sports sports and compete.
Phil Lester
Was it only top three?
Dan Howell
Top three, got to go.
Phil Lester
I briefly got respect from the boys in my school when I back at
Dan Howell
the rug bike sheds.
Phil Lester
I'm trying to sincerely talk about the one moment where I was accepted by the lads film.
Dan Howell
Go on, go on.
Phil Lester
Rugby. Tackled the head boy.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
And he fucking ate shit.
Dan Howell
Really? You fully tackled him.
Phil Lester
Well, I like you playing football. Soccer was like stood in the middle of the field at the back or in goal. Side note. When you're playing football with a nerd, why do you put them in goal and then complain when they don't care?
Dan Howell
It's so stressful.
Phil Lester
I'm not gonna die. No, I'm not gonna do it.
Dan Howell
It's the worst place to put the nerd.
Phil Lester
Just play with minus one person. I'm just taking up space that you could use to like run past or something.
Dan Howell
You should have done what I did and said you had a broken toe and then done community service and helped out Alice getting her shopping every day.
Phil Lester
I did not have the option to do that.
Dan Howell
No.
Phil Lester
But rugby, I participated. One day I was stood there in the mud and I just had. It was like an impulsive thought. It was one moment where I could actually participate.
Dan Howell
You could do it.
Phil Lester
I could actually, in this moment, just fucking dive. Just get rid of someone's ankles and, you know, rugby football, shove them to the ground. You gotta dive towards someone's spokey feet as they're running.
Dan Howell
You do.
Phil Lester
And I just did it. And then do you know what he did? It went. Oh, that was a nice one.
Dan Howell
Really? You could have been a jock.
Phil Lester
Yeah.
Dan Howell
What's a British version of a jock? A twat. I feel like we've meandered from long jump. Why don't we do a standing jump here in the studio and see who can jump the first furthest.
Phil Lester
Okay.
Dan Howell
Okay.
Phil Lester
Dan, I'm not wearing appropriate shoes.
Dan Howell
You gotta go for it.
Phil Lester
Trousers.
Dan Howell
Right. Three, two, one, jump. Oh, wait, that was. That was far. You ended there. Yeah, okay, he's there.
Phil Lester
I'm doing the drum ball. Titty slap.
Dan Howell
Right? I'm gonna fall back half.
Phil Lester
Please don't flash anyone. Any malfunctions are gonna happen.
Dan Howell
Ready?
Phil Lester
Please don't kick the camera. Please don't kick me.
Dan Howell
And swing in.
Phil Lester
Show us what the fourth best boy in Rossendale can do. You beat me by a solid dish.
Dan Howell
They call me the kangaroo of the North.
Phil Lester
Phil the Inch Lester.
Dan Howell
They'll call me Phil the Inch Lester.
Phil Lester
Is that what they called you in the showers?
Dan Howell
They actually called me. I can't say what. They called me Gaylord. Yeah, that gave me a headache. So I feel like I'm built for long jump.
Phil Lester
Well, thank God it was quite a long, illustrious career. Didn't work out.
Dan Howell
I feel like my brain is quite loose in my head. So whenever I like, move too fast, it bounces around.
Phil Lester
The juice is loose.
Dan Howell
The juice is loose.
Phil Lester
The goose is loose. Next. Can you fucking keep your hands to yourself?
Dan Howell
I want to help.
Phil Lester
No, look at it.
Dan Howell
Drumroll, drumroll.
Phil Lester
Look at it, look at it, look at it.
Dan Howell
Oh, oh, wait, no, it just pushed forward the hole. Stop it. That's. You're messing with fate. God will judge you. Oh, it's a blue ball.
Phil Lester
Isn't it always?
Dan Howell
My balls are blue. This is tofu.
Phil Lester
Hi, tofu. And what does tofu.
Dan Howell
No, this is. The topic is tofu.
Phil Lester
I was like non binary ass listener,
Dan Howell
not a non binary follower.
Phil Lester
Fucking Dan and Phil moment. What does tofu have to say? I'm sure, yeah, yeah. You've been following us on Tumblr since 2011.
Dan Howell
No, it's tofu.
Phil Lester
The concept of tofu.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
Kind of tastes like nothing it tastes
Dan Howell
like nothing unless it is seasoned heavily.
Phil Lester
Vehicle for the sauce is not a potato. Very similar.
Dan Howell
People that are eating the pure cube of tofu with no seasoning. You're doing it wrong.
Phil Lester
What in the British, you can fry
Dan Howell
it, you can paprika it. Seasonings rather season it and then it's great.
Phil Lester
Tofu gets a bad rap because a lot of people don't know how to make tofu tasty. And therefore they have really shitty bland experiences of either sloppy or spongy tofu.
Dan Howell
What I will say is vegan food in the last five years has become so much better.
Phil Lester
What you could say is it's really kicked his pussy up the wall.
Dan Howell
It's kicked his pussy up the wall.
Phil Lester
One of our favorite restaurant chains in London, Tofu vegan.
Dan Howell
It's like Chinese food. It's better than normal Chinese food. It's so good. Their sweet and sour chicken or whatever it is is incredible.
Phil Lester
No, it's their like gongbao. Tofu is straight up tofu. And it's the most delicious thing we've ever had in our life. Because you're just having a shit ton of sugar and garlic.
Dan Howell
It will make you have a Food wars style climax when you eat it.
Phil Lester
Tongue asm.
Dan Howell
Do you remember?
Phil Lester
Do you remember food was.
Dan Howell
This was an anime. When something tasted so delicious, the characters flew off.
Phil Lester
Metaphorically. Orgasm, essentially.
Dan Howell
It was like they had food orgasms in each show. And it got more and more extreme the more tasty the food was.
Phil Lester
And that put a lot of people off. And it was a bit weird.
Dan Howell
Didn't put me off.
Phil Lester
But it turned out it was actually peak anime.
Dan Howell
Yeah.
Advertiser
Have you ever had tofu puffs?
Dan Howell
I've never had a tofu puff.
Advertiser
This is the best way that you can possibly eat tofu.
Dan Howell
Apparently. Tofu puffs, according to What'd you call me? Layla, are the best way to have a tofu.
Phil Lester
And I'm a woke homosexual. But you need to be nice to me on our podcast.
Dan Howell
Okay. I'm sorry.
Phil Lester
So, yeah, tofu has the power for great blandness or extreme vehicles for pleasure.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
Like Dan and Phil.
Dan Howell
Yeah. If you want to hide from the lizard people. What is better than the sponsor of today's video? NordVPN. Wow. Wow what?
Phil Lester
That was organically selected by Richard.
Dan Howell
I know.
Phil Lester
So here you are with a segue.
Dan Howell
I've got to do it.
Phil Lester
Your talent.
Dan Howell
You might be in an airport thinking you're safe, when really the person behind the security desk is looking at everything you've ever googled.
Phil Lester
Remember the Guy in front of us last time looking at Grindr on his phone. Yeah, he should have been doing that in peace. Yes, using NordVPN so Madonna can't get to him.
Dan Howell
NORDVPN is like putting a blanket over yourself when you're using your phone on a plane.
Phil Lester
Also, when you're trying to book tickets for the plane and they try to scam you by making it more expensive, you can change your location to another country and then magically, the tickets are cheaper.
Dan Howell
That's great.
Phil Lester
Don't let them get you. Get them.
Dan Howell
We've done that before. Also, if you want to switch your location when you wanted to watch a show like we were trying to watch
Phil Lester
hacks, release the hacks now.
Dan Howell
Change to the usa.
Phil Lester
I'm not waiting for my American friends, which is helpful. Yeah. 10 devices at once. Put it on your fridge. Put it on your plug.
Dan Howell
If you want a special deal, you can go to NordVPN.com hardlaunch to get a two year plan, plus four months extra for free. That's NordVPN.com hard launch. And you can chomp down on that
Phil Lester
buster safely without people looking at you.
Dan Howell
Nord girl.
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Phil Lester
Next. Okay, here we go.
Dan Howell
I'm just gonna, you know, I'm gonna influence this red ball. Oh, it went further up.
Phil Lester
It's raising up.
Dan Howell
That's what you get. That's what you get. You're defying gravity
Phil Lester
to see the person who screamed the atta or the marathon didn't hit a single note icon.
Dan Howell
I mean, it would have inspired her to run away.
Phil Lester
Mmm. Faster.
Dan Howell
Get away from Wicked. We're gonna talk about colonic irrigation. I have had my colon explored for medical purposes.
Phil Lester
Irrigated like an expensive garden.
Dan Howell
Not irrigated. I've not had the irrigation. I've just had the colonoscopy, which I talked about at length on YouTube. And I was making comments about Mario Kart because I was drugged up. I was like, it looks like a Mario Kart course in there.
Phil Lester
Chocolate Mountain. We don't need to go there.
Dan Howell
It was actually clean and clear and pink.
Phil Lester
It was. It was Rosalina's ice world.
Dan Howell
Because the night before, you have to do a colonoscopy, you have to have prep where you drink this laxative and you are cleared out.
Phil Lester
And trust me, you don't want to go out after you've drunk that fluid, because at any moment, something upsetting is gonna happen.
Dan Howell
It's so bad. We were playing this tabletop game with our friends over the Internet, and I was like, I'm gonna have to leave every 20 minutes because, oh, my God,
Phil Lester
I remember that we were doing, like, a tabletop RPG online, and Phil just said to our friends, look, every 15 minutes, I'm gonna have to run for three minutes. No, you just have to accept it.
Dan Howell
What you learn is you need really, a free evening. Free evening. Have you ever had a colonic irrigation?
Phil Lester
Well, here's the thing.
Dan Howell
What,
Phil Lester
Water in your butt? It's more likely than you think.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
Colonic irrigation is like a med spa beauty treatment.
Dan Howell
It is.
Phil Lester
It's not people doing it for the procedure. No, people go doing it for the cleansing.
Dan Howell
Lads night out. Let's get our colons cleansed.
Phil Lester
Haven't heard that one before, but what would I know? I'm not a lad, not part of the culture. People say, yeah, it's good for me. Cause I'm gonna be so clean on the inside. It's actually bad for you because your gut flora is. That keeps you regular and keeps things good. And actually, if you completely empty out the thing that you've got going on, your body is like, well, what the fuck?
Dan Howell
Is that why I'm getting all those Instagram ads for, like, probiotic supplement your digestive guts?
Phil Lester
We're not trying to evacuate you. People are trying to aggressively probiotic you.
Dan Howell
Hank Green was saying, your gut biome is your second brain.
Phil Lester
Well, exactly. You don't want to lobotomize yourself by douching, do you?
Dan Howell
No, I mean.
Phil Lester
Oh, that's why bottoms are dumb.
Dan Howell
Is it?
Phil Lester
I'm allowed to say that.
Dan Howell
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Phil Lester
This is a comedy podcast.
Dan Howell
It's a comedy podcast. We're not making any real assumptions about anyone's positions. That would mean.
Phil Lester
Yeah, bottoms with a brain. Bottoms with a brain should start a charity.
Dan Howell
They should. I was thinking, like, if someone's saying, I want to have a KitKat, is that actually being decided by my colon?
Phil Lester
Wow, that would explain so much about the shit that comes out your mouth. Because literally, I.
Dan Howell
Like when I said, have you had a colonic irrigation? You didn't say yes or no.
Phil Lester
Right, my turn. Let's.
Dan Howell
Is now not the time to talk about it?
Phil Lester
Let's crank that soldier boy.
Dan Howell
You apparently you can actually get at home colonic irrigation kits off Amazon. I would not do this by the way. It sounds dangerous. And one of the comments says it cleaned you so well I lifted off the toilet bowl.
Phil Lester
Tmi, Susan. Sometimes you don't need to be the Amazon review influencer that you dream to be.
Dan Howell
Also I heard. No, I already said that.
Phil Lester
Well, you gotta say it now.
Dan Howell
No, it's not interesting.
Phil Lester
You gotta say it now and we'll all judge. Everybody lock in. Phil's gonna say something that he thought was not interesting enough to say.
Dan Howell
I saw a TikTok about different ways people douche.
Phil Lester
How is this possibly uninteresting? I'm scared for so many reasons, but boredom is not one of them.
Dan Howell
Apparently some people are buying shower attachments that go all the way up your ass, like really deep. And firstly, don't do that for too long. That's a danger of perforating your colon. Yeah, you don't have to do that much. No, if it's coming out your mouth when you're spraying it.
Phil Lester
That's not how anatomy works. Fan fiction writers. Water comes out quite quickly.
Dan Howell
Yeah, that's the danger. People are doing hot taps as well. They're getting a lot of that in hospitals because they've connected to their shower and gone woof. Moral of the story boiled from the inside.
Phil Lester
Do less. All right, maybe the real Red Ball was that every single question we answered along the way to the Red Bull.
Dan Howell
Maybe it was. This is all Red Ball.
Phil Lester
This one is from Lucky Th who says what conspiracy do you low key believe and why? Oh, recently we did low stakes conspiracies. Yes, but what is a high stake conspiracy that you low key believe? Moon landing real because the Soviets would have exposed it.
Dan Howell
Yes, it was very controversial. When I said I don't believe that the universe is infinite, people were a bit mad at me of that one.
Phil Lester
But I do you know what? I've been fermenting like a healthy gut on that.
Dan Howell
Take ruminating.
Phil Lester
And I agree.
Dan Howell
Thank you.
Phil Lester
I think that space may be infinite.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
But I don't think that out there right now is a planet where there is a podcast called Hard Launch with Dan and Phil. But we are shrimp. No, just because space is infinite doesn't
Dan Howell
mean that everything that's happened will happen. Yeah, that's like too much.
Phil Lester
Because there's gonna be jellyfish, aliens, but there's not gonna be another human race, but blah, blah, blah. And then everything is a purple triangle. Yeah, so that's what we mean by that. And Phil, I low key agree.
Dan Howell
Although I think there's an edge and I wanna visit it.
Phil Lester
You think there's an edge?
Dan Howell
I think there's an edge, yeah.
Phil Lester
But you don't wanna visit it. That sounds scary. We talked about how you wouldn't want to go to the moon. Because it's scary.
Dan Howell
Because I'm comfy in my own skin.
Phil Lester
Exactly. You're happy next to your lava lamp. You don't need to be on Artemis 3.
Dan Howell
No, I don't believe in flat earth. Well, good.
Phil Lester
Phil, the bar is fucking low.
Dan Howell
I know, but we've literally been into the sky and looked at the earth and seen it, so it's not like even something we need to theorize.
Phil Lester
A fucking primary school can send a loaf of bread into the atmosphere with a shitty camera and see that it's round.
Dan Howell
Oh, there is a ball. What about the Illuminati? Do you think they're out there and listening to us?
Phil Lester
Tea?
Dan Howell
Yeah.
Phil Lester
Male podcast moment. Are you ready for three hours of the Fan Rogan experience?
Dan Howell
Okay, go on.
Phil Lester
The Illuminati is real in the sense that it's literally just capitalism.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
Is there a group of men in robes that are controlling the world? Firstly, have you seen how fucking stupid the people controlling the world is right now? We let Liz Truss be Prime Minister.
Dan Howell
Terrible.
Phil Lester
You think that there is an Illuminati out there? No, we live in absolute moron universe 9000 right now. We're in like silly Billy timeline.
Dan Howell
Freefall, hell, chaos, horror.
Phil Lester
Right now. No one's pulling the strings other than just billionaires, investment companies. It's about.
Dan Howell
It all leads down to feeding the capitalist monster.
Phil Lester
Yes, exactly, Phil. Exactly.
Dan Howell
And no matter how much we don't like it, we're all part of that machine.
Phil Lester
You're just like. You're just saying things and it worked out and that's fine. Okay. Yeah. Dangerous game. But respect. I encourage people to be skeptical, okay? And the bedrock of conspiracy theorists is having problems with things and questioning things.
Dan Howell
Yes.
Phil Lester
The problem is there's a lot of people out there that are like, I believe in this conspiracy theory. And it's like, oh, babe, almost. But you didn't realize that the problem is actually capitalism, not lizard people on the news. So you got so excited to expose the truth about our horrible world and you thought it was that the local news lady is a lizard. Yeah, you missed. No, she's not.
Dan Howell
You missed them all.
Phil Lester
But the billionaire that owns the news agency is also not a lizard, but is awful. And that's. You know, there are great causes out there to be conspiracy theorists about. Don't stop at the weird shit.
Dan Howell
Do the things that actually make a difference. Like what about the Dan and Phil conspiracy theories? We covered those on tour. We surprised everyone by saying we shared a bed before we even came out as gay.
Phil Lester
The soft launch before the hard launch.
Dan Howell
That was a soft launch before the hard launch.
Phil Lester
Yeah. A little tease of gay for the people that bought a tour ticket.
Dan Howell
Mild gay leaking out of our closet.
Phil Lester
Oh, no. Were there any other low key Dan and Phil conspiracies that we didn't cover?
Dan Howell
There was a conspiracy. We had a child because there was like a photograph of like a child's hand in the background of a photo that we had.
Phil Lester
Why was there.
Dan Howell
And that was just our friend that visited that had a kid that was in our house. Oh, my God. So there was a child there. Not our child.
Phil Lester
Devastating. I wouldn't trust you around. You'd be a great dad.
Dan Howell
Thank you.
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Phil Lester
All right.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God. Dad. He's manipulating Richard's balls.
Phil Lester
I'm just doing an organic. The hole is at the back.
Dan Howell
This is not organic. This is genetically modified.
Phil Lester
Richard, it was never gonna happen. It was trapped at the bottom of the front.
Dan Howell
Okay.
Phil Lester
And now it's at the back.
Dan Howell
Let's have a spin.
Phil Lester
Sorry. Is anyone in the comments mad that I just moved the Red Bull nearer the hole?
Dan Howell
Well, let's find out.
Phil Lester
Is anyone like.
Dan Howell
No.
Phil Lester
I hate content. Please don't reveal the fun thing I want to see in 10 years.
Dan Howell
It's a blue ball.
Phil Lester
That happens. Apparently it's a real thing.
Dan Howell
What is the most annoying color? The most annoying color?
Phil Lester
Yellow.
Dan Howell
Yellow.
Phil Lester
Woof.
Dan Howell
It's very bright, but it's quite springy and beautiful, though.
Phil Lester
No. Look at that. Got 2B glue haircan. It's like, fuck off.
Dan Howell
I would say, ah.
Phil Lester
Oh, it's aggressive. Look at all these nice colors. Okay.
Dan Howell
I would say primary yellow is like, warning.
Phil Lester
Look at your trousers. Look at your shoes. Look at your T shirt. Look at everything that I'm wearing.
Dan Howell
That might be an evolutionary thing because lots of wasps and spiders have this color on them.
Phil Lester
Exactly.
Dan Howell
So that's why you're put off.
Phil Lester
Snickers.
Dan Howell
Danger.
Phil Lester
Horrible.
Dan Howell
I would say red is also a bit annoying.
Phil Lester
Ugh, God. Yeah.
Dan Howell
If it's like a bright red.
Phil Lester
Bright Ronald McDonald red.
Dan Howell
But my personal most annoying color is brown. Just because I don't suit it.
Phil Lester
It annoys you.
Dan Howell
It annoys me.
Phil Lester
You see brown and you're just like,
Dan Howell
if I see an fucking off white.
Phil Lester
Stop.
Dan Howell
If I see an amazing T shirt and it's brown, I'm like, oh, well, now I can't get it.
Phil Lester
And now I'm annoyed.
Dan Howell
Next.
Phil Lester
Yeah, I like this attitude. Phil absolutely cranks out.
Dan Howell
Speed round. Speed round.
Phil Lester
C' est moi. Another bright yellow one. Yeah. Ugh, God, this is so annoying.
Dan Howell
I've been clutching these balls for ages.
Phil Lester
I love it. Have a third one. Juggle them. Fuck it. Well, you couldn't even pick it up. Grey's Anatomy. Oh, so long.
Dan Howell
Grey's Anatomy.
Phil Lester
Wait, we're talking about the medical textbook?
Dan Howell
No, the actual TV show.
Phil Lester
No, not the thing the show's named after. The actual show.
Dan Howell
Yeah. I've never seen it, so here's some things without context that I've just seen. Meredith is in it. Lots of people die in horrible ways that you like. Hospital surgery happens. What do you know about Grey's Anatomy?
Phil Lester
Fuck all. I just know that it's really long and lots of people watch it. And then other people were like, maybe it shouldn't have continued so long.
Dan Howell
Yeah, I know. It's got, like, 21 seasons, so it's a real. Apparently, though.
Phil Lester
Get that bag. Actors.
Dan Howell
When you watch it, it's so addictive. It sends you into kind of a spiral that you can't escape from.
Phil Lester
We know a few people that have watched it and they've watched the whole thing several times, which sounds like hundreds of hours of dedication, so it must be peak.
Dan Howell
But I know Someone that watches it, and they're like, it's literally hurting me, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. I work at the hospital now.
Phil Lester
Please comment below if you have similar experiences with the Hard Launch podcast.
Dan Howell
It's quite dangerous, right? Calm.
Phil Lester
Oh, wait, I'm looking.
Dan Howell
She's entered the crack. Oh, it's a pink ball with a bonus hat.
Phil Lester
Fuck. Whoever left that question, you can have another one to hold as your little toy.
Dan Howell
Thank you. Oh, good crack.
Phil Lester
Jealousy.
Dan Howell
Jealousy.
Phil Lester
Now we're getting into it on that Dan and Phil relationship podcast.
Dan Howell
That's a big one. I would say Jealous Dan.
Phil Lester
Look at Jealous Dan.
Dan Howell
There's a lot of. I've seen a lot of memes.
Phil Lester
Look at Jealous Dan. Oh, my God. Jealous Dan.
Dan Howell
I've seen a lot of comments and memes about Jealous Dan. Would you say when I talk about other men, you get jealous?
Phil Lester
Am I supposed to do the parasocial thing where I reinforce everybody's nice headcanon right now, or am I honest on the male podcast?
Dan Howell
I think you'd be honest on our male podcast.
Phil Lester
I don't give a fuck.
Dan Howell
Is that cuz you know how secure you are with me?
Phil Lester
Yes.
Dan Howell
Right?
Phil Lester
Yeah.
Dan Howell
Because I wouldn't have it better anywhere else.
Phil Lester
I don't care. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Dan Howell
You chill.
Phil Lester
And there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, there's no insulting. It's just like, I'm radically at peace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine.
Dan Howell
If it happens, it happens.
Phil Lester
Yeah. And I'm like, maybe just. I just have resting jealous face.
Dan Howell
Just say you've been a tiny bit jealous. Otherwise it sounds like you don't like me.
Phil Lester
I would be jealous if Phil.
Dan Howell
What if I got fries with someone else on a Saturday night while watching an episode of Drag Race without you,
Phil Lester
I would be annoyed. That's our thing.
Dan Howell
Jealous. Yeah, jealous. Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
Jealous.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God, Blake, this fry was so salty.
Phil Lester
Jealous and envious. What's the one where you're like, I want what they have, or it's like, I'm afraid of losing something.
Dan Howell
Jealous is you're afraid of losing it.
Phil Lester
I feel comfortable that we would have fries again next week.
Dan Howell
Okay. That's very mature of you.
Phil Lester
Are you jealous?
Dan Howell
I think I can be.
Phil Lester
I'm envious. I look at other people and I'm like, I deserve that.
Dan Howell
Yeah.
Phil Lester
There's very little where I'm like, no. This thing in my life. I'm insecure that I'm not gonna have it anymore. Ah. I just look at Other people.
Dan Howell
And I'm like, yeah, I get quite jealous if you're doing something and I'm not invited. I'm like, I want to be there too.
Phil Lester
Give me one example from the last 15 years.
Dan Howell
Like, you're going to Iceland with your family and I'm quite jealous. I would like to go to Iceland.
Phil Lester
But do you want to come to Iceland with Dan, his mum and his brother? No, that's a bit random.
Dan Howell
No, I mean, I just don't want to do the exercise part of it. I just want to see the cool things.
Phil Lester
I will take lots of photos and I'll FaceTime you from a. I was about to say Giza. From fucking dead and boiled as fuck.
Dan Howell
From inside the volcano glacier.
Phil Lester
Yeah, all right, Phil, I think this has to be you. Snow's moment. Crank that, whatever shape it is. Dodeca Hussey.
Dan Howell
Here we go.
Phil Lester
Please, please.
Dan Howell
No. It's a blue ball. The Eurotunnel.
Phil Lester
It's good. I like being able to get a train to France. It's, like, really cool, but it's also expensive. Also, why is checking in there like going to a flight? They've made it really fucked up for no reason.
Dan Howell
As a kid, I thought I'd be able to see the fish out the window. So I was very disappointed the entire time.
Phil Lester
We drove our car onto the train and I thought that'd be cool. But you're just like, driving into a horse carriage and it looks like shit.
Dan Howell
Why didn't they make it transparent?
Phil Lester
Cool in theory. Expensive practice.
Dan Howell
Come on, science. Here's a pink ball.
Phil Lester
Fillers. If you want them, get em. Don't get too many, then you'll look weird.
Dan Howell
I've already got very random cheeks.
Phil Lester
You look like a hamster snuffling truffles away on any given day.
Dan Howell
People are jealous of these cheekbones.
Phil Lester
If you want the fillers, get them. But also, we shouldn't live in a society where people should feel like they have to look like influencers. Right, next. Cut the Fuck it.
Dan Howell
Come on. Even I want it to happen now. Oh, my God, it's a yellow ball. Wait, we're running out of time. Answer it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Nightclubs. I've grown out of nightclubs. I like to be able to talk to my friends in a bar. And I don't like dancing that much.
Phil Lester
I do like dancing and getting drunk. I don't do it enough. I should get out more.
Dan Howell
Really?
Phil Lester
Yeah.
Dan Howell
Do you actually want to go to nightclubs?
Phil Lester
Not, like, often, but, like, more often really than the once. A year? Yeah. When are we going down to Phil Heaven? Friday night. Give it a jostle. Here we go.
Dan Howell
Come on, Phil.
Advertiser
Are you ready?
Dan Howell
I'm ready. It's a red ball. It's happened, Phil. Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
It's been a beautiful Richard special. What? I will miss you when I'm in Iceland. I hope that everybody has enjoyed this because next week. Something's happening.
Dan Howell
I'm scared. Pop it.
Phil Lester
Wow. I need to do that grip strength thing more.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
God didn't want this to happen.
Dan Howell
Oh, here it is. On a red piece of paper, no less. What does it say?
Phil Lester
Cheese.
Dan Howell
No cheese. Dan, I thought you liked me. What does that mean? What's gonna happen next week, Phil?
Phil Lester
Next week. Cheese.
Dan Howell
What does that mean?
Phil Lester
It could mean anything.
Dan Howell
Oh, no. I'm sweating. Don't make me eat cheese.
Phil Lester
Well, I'm gonna have a lovely cold week away. I hope you've enjoyed this bonus episode.
Dan Howell
Oh, my God.
Phil Lester
Next week I get my revenge. I would like to say thank you to Richard. Thank you to the people who gave us this idea. This was great. Let's do it more often. You should go follow us over on patreon.com Dan and Phil, where you can just follow us as a free user. And Phil will ask for more input on how we should fill Richard's balls.
Dan Howell
We will. If you liked our float, we're gonna do three more balls over our.
Phil Lester
Oh, I wish they kept going. We will.
Dan Howell
Over there.
Phil Lester
15 minutes of exclusive fun where we say crazy shit thinking that people aren't gonna snitch on us.
Dan Howell
Patreon.com danandphil Come join it. If you wanna watch that, just try it out.
Phil Lester
It's a good time.
Dan Howell
Thanks for joining the special
Phil Lester
and we'll see you next time.
Dan Howell
Like a cherry on top. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on
Phil Lester
car insurance with Liberty Mutual.
Dan Howell
Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone.
Advertiser
Check out this guy and his bird.
Phil Lester
What is this your first date?
Dan Howell
Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.
Phil Lester
Yeah, the bird looks out of your league anyways. Get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent. Liberty. Liberty.
Dan Howell
Liberty.
Phil Lester
Liberty.
In this unfiltered and playful episode of HARD LAUNCH, Dan and Phil present a “Richard’s Balls Special.” Their signature irreverent tone is on full display as they answer random discussion prompts pulled from a gumball machine—named Richard—including the much-anticipated “red ball” challenge. The pair banter about childhood memories, vegan cuisine, embarrassing medical moments, conspiracies, and relationship jealousy, all the while teasing each other and the audience. The episode culminates in the reveal of the enigmatic red ball, setting up next week's content.
Dan and Phil’s comedic, slightly chaotic energy persists throughout—jumping rapidly between deeply personal admissions, absurd hypotheticals, and self-effacing jokes. Listeners are left anticipating the mysterious cheese-themed challenge next week, while also enjoying candid insights into Dan and Phil’s dynamic—equal parts partnership, friendship, and meta-commentary on their audience’s parasocial investment.
“Draining Richard's Balls” epitomizes HARD LAUNCH’s blend of chaotic humor and real talk, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike. From bodily functions and bad tofu, to healthy skepticism and relationship honesty, Dan and Phil demonstrate there’s no such thing as TMI in their new podcast era.