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Announcer
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Phil
So good, so good, so good.
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Dan
I cannot bear being alive because Phil has left someone we know on red for two days.
Phil
What's wrong with that?
Dan
This is ruining my life, Dan.
Phil
I'm just charging up my ability to reply. I don't have to do it straight away.
Dan
Chat. Is a red receipt a commitment to reply to someone once you've triggered red, two blue ticks. I think you have to do it.
Phil
No, Everyone has a busy life, right?
Dan
Oh, this guy.
Phil
Everyone in the world.
Dan
You don't have to say it is a violent act. It is something psychological warfare to say, yeah, I saw that. And not reply to someone.
Phil
You're one to talk, though. You don't even open the messages from people and leave them waiting for a week or something.
Dan
It's an act of kindness.
Phil
Is it?
Dan
If I see that someone's messaged me and I know that I'm not going to reply, then I don't trigger the red message because I just don't read it.
Phil
But what if their message is like, help, I'm on fire. I'm trapped in a submarine.
Dan
Submarine aside, Phil, if someone's trapped in a fire and you leave them on red, that's a lot worse.
Phil
No, if I see their message says help, I'm on fire, I'm gonna rep.
Dan
Okay, he's moving the goalposts, people.
Phil
You don't know what's in your messages.
Dan
Maybe the truth is we're just both overthinking this a bit too much. Yeah, and we are both freaks.
Phil
Yeah, but we're freaks together.
Dan
Uh, hi. Sorry about that.
Phil
Hi. You'll have to bear with us today because we were kept up all night from a lightning thunderstorm.
Dan
Thank God you filled that sentence in quickly. We were kept up all night. Electroplay.
Phil
Oh, yeah, well, speaking of electroplay, you already said thunderstorm. No, I know. I woke up to the sound.
Dan
They're like, we know. Thunder. That was a thunderstorm.
Phil
I woke up to the thunderstorm.
Announcer
Yep.
Phil
And I felt lightning in the room in my hair.
Dan
There's a lightning in the room?
Phil
No, there was.
Dan
What do you mean you felt the lightning in the air?
Phil
Do you know when you, like, rub something on a carpet and then you.
Dan
And you feel static? Yeah, I do know what you do.
Phil
I felt it all over my hair and I thought the lightning was coming into the bed.
Dan
And you didn't fucking wake me up. You're like, okay, well, this bitch can fry. I'm gonna roll out if I need to.
Phil
I was half asleep, but I was thinking, could it come through the window and get us in bed?
Dan
You're thinking the lightning is gonna go, hello, Twinks.
Phil
It might.
Dan
Yeah. This is why Phil didn't do a level geography. We need to educate him on how particles.
Phil
Hang on, hang on. Howl. We have seen ball lightning together. Yeah. And that phenomenon in the text has been known to go through houses, through windows.
Sponsor Voice
It moves.
Announcer
It moves.
Phil
I think it was getting ready to.
Announcer
You know what?
Dan
As two ball lightning seers. You are actually correct.
Phil
I think it was getting ready right into our bed.
Dan
Our third is a ball lightning.
Phil
It is.
Dan
And that's how we fucking die.
Phil
Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Dan
So if you're wondering why Phil's got such a fucked up hair day today, that's. Why did you not.
Phil
I'm joking.
Dan
Oh, my God, you look lovely. We've both had haircuts. Summer short.
Phil
Did you not feel a bit static, though?
Dan
No, I was asleep.
Phil
No, it's gone. It's discharged.
Sponsor Voice 2
Okay.
Dan
Dan and Phil have successfully discharged, and we're ready for the podcast.
Phil
We are. Hey, we didn't say who we are. This is Dan.
Dan
Hi, I'm Dan.
Phil
I'm Phil. And we're gay. And. And nice silver pants, Dan.
Dan
I've changed the subject.
Phil
Very reflective today. You could stop traffic in that.
Dan
Thank you, Phil. Thank you.
Phil
He said thank you.
Dan
Thank you. Do you see how I'm looking at thank you?
Phil
Look me in the eyes or Bathurst.
Dan
You're not ready for thank you, gate.
Phil
I think we need to bring up thank you, gate, because I realized that Dan doesn't say thank you.
Dan
You're trying to ruin my birthday.
Phil
No, I'm not. You get given a present and you're like, wow, this is so cool. This is amazing. Oh, my God. But then you don't say thank you, and you just don't land the plane.
Dan
So this is one of those language moments where I'm like, phil, you can't say you always do this.
Phil
You've done it.
Dan
I think I might have done this this one time.
Phil
No, you did it to your mum. And you did it to as well.
Dan
Okay, wow. We're just dropping on the podcast, are we? I don't think's gonna see the podcast.
Phil
We'll bleep his name. But you did it to him. He gave you.
Dan
Whoa, let's keep that in. Sorry.
Phil
And I was looking you in the eyes like, come on.
Dan
There was a lot happening in this conversation. And he gave me a box of cupcakes, which is good because we threw out my first birthday cake because of my ass tap. Ass tap.
Phil
The food poisoning.
Dan
I did go, wow. Oh, my God. You have no idea how much I needed another cake after the first cake. Like, honestly, this is the best gift because I didn't get to appreciate it because of the food poisoning.
Phil
Where's the thank you? I forgot? Do you not have that thing in your heart that's like, I have in my heart.
Dan
This is not moral failing. This was one brief conversation.
Phil
So I was saying on Dan's behalf, thank you. This is great. I'm excited to eat some of these cakes.
Dan
Okay. Firstly, therapist, what do you say about always? Language?
Announcer
Always.
Phil
I wanna be with you.
Dan
Well, how's about that's not gonna happen if you say that I always forget
Phil
to say thank you. You don't always.
Dan
This one time I didn't. I felt like I said, enough appreciations of the box of cupcakes that it was okay. But you fl. It is very, very different and important to say thank you.
Phil
Land that thank plane. How are you?
Dan
Like, it's very, very different when you've offended someone that you need to say,
Phil
sorry that I offended you, mate.
Dan
Sorry that you offended me or sorry for what you did?
Phil
I'm sorry for what I did.
Dan
Yeah.
Caller/Listener
Okay.
Sponsor Voice
To you.
Phil
Thank you. Address me the tour in the room.
Dan
The thing is revealed.
Phil
The thing has been revealed. And I'm so excited to finally say, do you know how hard it is to keep a secret? Do you know how many times we've been doing don't know that we're gay?
Dan
This is the Hard Launch podcast. The fan is real.
Phil
I've been just wanting to go, oh, and when we go on tour and we're gay all the time.
Dan
The Hard Launch world tour.
Phil
It's coming, it's coming.
Dan
And I'm Davis.
Phil
I'm so excited.
Dan
Like, what a time to be alive.
Phil
I can't even speak in case you missed It.
Dan
We are going all the way around the world and back. We're going to the uk, Europe, usa, Canada. No tbc.
Phil
No.
Dan
We are going to Mexico finally. Mexico, Australia, New Zealand, New York, Singapore. New shows might be announced. So keep an eye on the website.
Phil
Yes.
Dan
Which is danandphiltour.com Tickets are on sale right now. Go grab em dan&filltour.com Loads of the
Phil
shows might sell out really quickly, so make sure you go check it out sooner rather than later.
Dan
Thank you.
Phil
And if you've never seen Dan and Phil live before, it's a whole shebang.
Dan
This is some legendary. You just need to ask people. Ask people in the comments that have been to a Dan and Phil tour before.
Caller/Listener
Woof.
Dan
You're not ready for your life to be permanently changed. Hollywood, how are you doing tonight? Are you good? It's almost like going to your favorite band's gig. But it's funny. Yeah, there is that exact level of energy.
Phil
It's called the Hard Launch World Tour. But it's not just the podcast. Live on stage. Oh no.
Dan
Oh no. It's a whole theatrical rock concert x extravaganza on stage. It's gonna be inspired by the pod.
Phil
There's gonna be inspiration by our favorite
Dan
things and features, but also it's the entire new post Hard Launch out Dan and Phil era.
Phil
Authentic gay on stage. In your face. What are we gonna do?
Dan
A whole load of shit, probably.
Phil
We've planned so much.
Dan
We set the bar very high.
Phil
I don't want to ruin the surprises, but they are surprising.
Dan
And if anyone is new and they're thinking, oh, a Danifiltor. Is that for me? Yes, it's for all of you.
Phil
If you're new, if you're old, if
Dan
you've been here since 2009, if you've been here since nine days ago.
Phil
Yeah, it's for you. And if you're thinking, oh, I don't want to go by myself, don't worry, it's such an inclusive environment. You're gonna feel fine.
Dan
You can come by yourself because everyone in the room are the people in the comment section. There is no other gig in the world that you can go to and be like, I'm here by myself, But I have 3,000 friends.
Phil
Yeah. It's like the whole audience is one collective comment section.
Dan
But this show is absolutely gonna be something that you can drag Davis to.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Your partners, your sisters, your BFF who has never owned a phone. They can come, drag them along and they will have the best night ever.
Phil
Yeah. It's lifelong memories as well.
Dan
Oh, you have never experienced the vibe in the room.
Phil
It's such a Danville.
Dan
It's hard to explain formative memories.
Phil
So do not miss out if you can come and see us. There are tickets on sale right now@danville tour.com.
Dan
we have a lot more to share. This summer we are going to be drip feeding in like not an unsatisfying, edging way, in a nice way, exciting, teasing way.
Phil
Yeah, both of those were horrible discharging.
Dan
No, we've done that. And hey, even if for any reason you can't come, this tour is going to make so much content.
Phil
Yes.
Dan
It's going to be going wild on the Instagram, over here on the pod.
Phil
YouTube. Take you with us as much as we can.
Dan
What does it all mean? Look forward to it.
Phil
So these are our photo shoot outfits. This is why I was bending over backwards the other day and I hurt my spine.
Dan
Yes.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Phil, you were throwing some poses.
Phil
You were carrying me like a little.
Dan
And we'll see whether we ever share that photo. Interesting results there. We took about 100 pics.
Phil
Yeah. We could share one now. Should we leak one? Here we go. There we are.
Dan
Look at that one. Look at that one that's on the screen.
Phil
If you're listening, I don't know which one we picked. So it's very. Wow.
Dan
That's fucking great.
Phil
It's very sexy.
Dan
How dare the people on Apple podcasts.
Phil
Yeah, the branding as well. Hard launch. It's kind of spacey, cute, subtly evoking
Dan
the vibe, and yet it's also quite Y2K cunty. I love it. I love it. The merch is going to go hard.
Phil
It's going to go hard.
Dan
It's going to go extremely hard. Launch.
Phil
I'm excited to release that. Speaking of merch, shout out to our sponsor who powers the Dan and Phil shop. Shopify.
Dan
Cha Ching. I did it. Did it work?
Phil
You need to make the sound effect. Have you ever dreamed of opening your own shop? Well, Shopify makes it almost too easy. Bulletproof. Why am I finding this so easy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dan
Cause he needs it.
Phil
Well, you need it, Mr. Typo. World War instead of World Tour.
Dan
Yeah. I did ask everybody to sign up to a thing and then I went announcing the Dan and Phil World War. I did do that.
Phil
You can use templates to create easy email campaigns.
Announcer
Wow.
Dan
They'll even proofread them for you. Yeah, that's wild.
Phil
If there's accidental leaks, like a venue doing things before they're supposed to Imagine if that happens.
Dan
Oh, emergency.
Phil
There's 24. 7 Shopify support for anything that goes wrong with your shop. Not that it will.
Dan
Not that it will. Everything will be fine for you. And nothing goes wrong for us either.
Phil
No, never.
Dan
And if you forget your logins because you're just a fun, eccentric person with lots of different emails and passwords, you can manage everything from one account. Checking the stock, designing the newsletters. It's all in one place.
Phil
So if you want to start your own shop selling squishies.
Dan
What's a squishy?
Phil
No, like a stress squeezer.
Dan
Stress balls.
Phil
If you want to sell stress balls or anything else, it's time to turn those what ifs into yes, that he gets to do it with Shopify today.
Dan
Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com Dan and Phil
Phil
go to shopify.com Daniel Dan and Phil.
Dan
That's shopify.com Dan and Phil. Thank you, Shopify. Thank you.
Phil
Thank you. If you want to get a present for someone, are you going to give them some tickets to a concert?
Dan
So smooth Phil, Beluga whale segue there.
Phil
Well, you can. Thanks to our next sponsor, it's SeatGeek.
Dan
It's concert season.
Phil
Is it?
Dan
I want a seat. But if only I had some kind of geek to help me.
Phil
I know the perfect geek it is. Seatgeek. Who can help you find the best concert tickets?
Dan
Number one rated ticketing app.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Who's like the opposite of Dan and Phil? Vibe wise though, like we can't compete. The NFL. Big burleys. Sporty men.
Phil
Do you want to see some sporty men and get some money off? Well, now you can get it.
Dan
Hey, did you buy a VIP ticket? And then there's just like a ten foot wall there. Well, maybe someone could have told you that because they rate their seats from 1 to 10.
Phil
The 1 to 10 system is very easy. You're like, oh, I want that one. That's a 10. It's brilliant.
Dan
And I don't want that one. It's a one.
Phil
What is a one? Just a giant wall.
Dan
I always think in sports, would a one seat be where the balls are going? People be in the way of the ball, don't they? As like a gay that's scared of sport. I'd be like, I'm sorry guys, that's a one for me. I don't want to catch the ball. I'm scared of the ball.
Phil
They won the football team.
Dan
But I guess to actual ball enjoyers, it's a 10.
Phil
Yes. So, yeah, concert season has officially started and to make it even better, you can use the code DAN&PHIL10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets.
Dan
That is 10% off tickets with the promo code DAN&PHIL10. Just click the link in the description. It will automatically download the app and have the code put in so you can use it later.
Sponsor Voice
Thanks.
Phil
Seatgeek.
Dan
Does it feel good? Is it like doing another hard launch, releasing the thing?
Phil
It was like when you had colonic irrigation. The secret is back.
Sponsor Voice
We actually.
Dan
We can move on from last week's episode.
Phil
Can we?
Dan
Yeah, fully. I think we can forget everything that happened in it.
Phil
That title didn't test very well on YouTube.
Dan
No shit.
Phil
I wonder why.
Dan
Because shit.
Phil
There was no shit.
Dan
Because yes, shit.
Phil
So that was our thing. But here is the thing. Less politics, more pussy. Newcastle resident Haley Hawkins had a local cat mayor election for fun that had a higher turnout than the Brexit referendum.
Dan
Who cares about our lives? No, we want to list the local pussy. Yeah, absolutely.
Phil
She hopes it will get the community to appreciate local cats. Division seems to be in fashion at the moment, but it's easy to feel powerless in the face of it. But I knew I needed to do something, no matter how small, to bring a bit of silliness and togetherness into our community.
Dan
What a legend. One icon. And look at that beautiful ginger cat. I was gonna say that she looks great in her outfit, actually.
Phil
Oh, she does. Ding dong. Don't. A national survey of England found over a third of Gen Z. Think ringing a doorbell is too awkward.
Dan
Wait, let's think about that.
Phil
It is a bit awkward.
Dan
Is it actually the worst thing in the entire fucking world?
Phil
You're making a whole house make a sound.
Dan
It's like you're gonn to someone's house and be like, ding dong.
Phil
I'm gonna dumb.
Dan
That's fucking crazy. Bro alert.
Phil
I'm here.
Dan
It's just a lot, isn't it?
Phil
They need a More chalant. They need a vibrate.
Dan
Put your house on vibrate. Oh, someone's at the door.
Phil
Just keep pressing.
Dan
When you are in your house and you hear ding dong, that is a bolt of dread.
Phil
I always get scared because like, who is it exactly?
Dan
Even if it's like my mum's like, I'm coming over on Sunday and we booked it in advance. When I hear ding dong, I'm like, attack.
Phil
Mystery Ding dong is like 9 out of 10 chance.
Dan
Mystery ding dong. Is that like the MrBeast only fans?
Phil
Yes.
Dan
Yep.
Phil
I think I'm a Knocker. Yeah, I see the bell.
Dan
You see a bell and you knock.
Phil
I do a.
Dan
That might be the one thing that's weirder.
Phil
Ba ba da ba ba ba ba.
Dan
They said in the survey a lot of people prefer to turn up at the door and then send a text. Like, I outside.
Phil
I think I do that. Yeah, I'll text, I'm about to arrive and then.
Dan
But I don't think we can live like that.
Phil
Sometimes I do a scratch like a friendly cat.
Dan
He actually does.
Phil
I do that.
Dan
You know, if the friend is at the door and you can see the silhouette, Phil will be like, I'm here. He doesn't just do that when the friend is in their fucking garden and Phil's just stood there going, I'm not
Phil
gonna ding their dong if they're at the door already.
Dan
Yo. But we should not live in fear of the ding dong. I think we should all learn. I agree that objectively it's fucked up. Actually, it's quite violent. And yet we should do it.
Phil
Open your text messages when you get
Dan
them and say thank you to people.
Phil
Tits in for the lads. As summer heat waves swell in, experts are reminding people not to strip off. Sun hitting your skin makes you warmer than removing a single layer of protective clothing.
Dan
If you're like, o, oh, I've got this skimpy little number on, but I'm gonna get it off. Cause there's one less layer. No, man, the radiation hitting you, it's much worse.
Phil
I say release the boob and get it fried.
Dan
You are allowed to do that, but just so people know, that is worse in terms of keeping cool.
Phil
So wet T shirts, the way forward then.
Dan
Actually, that is the meta.
Phil
Is it?
Dan
Yeah, Like a cool towel in the sensitive areas. So actually hosing your friend down with a piece of fabric on is the optimum strap.
Phil
What about sunning your perennium again?
Dan
That is something that you can do. It's not the best thing for heat.
Phil
Just make sure it's wet.
Dan
Put a wet towel over, put a
Phil
wet cloth on it.
Dan
But then I feel like that's doing two things. Either you're getting the yogic sunbeam or you are cooling yourself.
Phil
Charge your internal crystal.
Dan
Is that what you did with the thing that we bought off whatnot the other week? I thought, where is that?
Phil
I don't know.
Dan
Do you remember when we bought that crystal?
Phil
We've been waiting for another spawn to show it off, but they've got.
Dan
It's gonna pop, isn't it? Any moment now. So there we go. Wow. Have you been handling the heat? Oh, thirsty boy. You're not handling.
Phil
That's not part of the podcast.
Dan
It is, I'm afraid.
Phil
Alright, I'll narrate your drink. Oh, he's slurping it down. Oh, yeah. It's like he's never seen a drink before. That mouth is so wet now.
Dan
What's that? Erotic audiobook website.
Phil
Quinn get us on ya.
Dan
Yeah, Quinn Originals. Hire Phil. He can write and narrate.
Phil
I could be a sexy man made out of water that goes into people.
Dan
I think I've seen that one on Tumblr. People like that. It's quite sensual.
Phil
That was the fire boy and water girl Fit.
Dan
Oh, no. Her lady door.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Yeah.
Phil
We did Dan's birthday again because he had the ass tat.
Caller/Listener
Just.
Dan
No, no, no, no, no.
Phil
We've moved on. We've moved on, we've moved on. But it was.
Dan
I had a round two rearranged birthday last week.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
And it went much better.
Phil
We went for a fancy meal. I put an Instagram story of you enjoying it and I got some comments saying that you were eating cat food.
Dan
It did look like that.
Phil
That was an already eaten dessert.
Dan
It was a dessert that I destroyed. But when I looked back at it, it did look like a little jelly cat thing. Situation.
Phil
Dreamies.
Dan
God. Phil had a three way, which was a first for him. He enjoyed it.
Phil
I enjoyed my three way, which was a tomato three ways. And I frickin hate tomatoes. It's on my no list.
Dan
What else is on your no list?
Phil
Mushrooms.
Dan
Bdsm.
Phil
That's weird.
Dan
Is it?
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
We're just making jokes.
Announcer
No.
Dan
Are we not just making like. Guys? We're not oversharing. I'm just saying. Shit. This is a comedy podcast.
Phil
This is. Everything is a lie.
Dan
Allegedly.
Phil
Is it Tomato.
Dan
And Phil queened out. We were walking through London. We went into this hotel via the restaurante. And then Phil went, oh my God, it's the Spice Girls staircase.
Phil
It was the staircase from the wannabe music video and the gay in my brain recognized it.
Dan
Cause you're a 90s bitch.
Phil
I'm a 90s bitch.
Dan
You love it.
Phil
I love that.
Dan
I don't care.
Phil
You should care.
Dan
I had Spice Girls as one of my first CDs.
Phil
Which Spice Girl was your favorite?
Dan
Baby Spice.
Phil
Same was mine. That's why we're mates.
Dan
Sure.
Phil
Is that because you're like, she's blonde and I've got to pretend I like girls?
Dan
I actually think it was that. I had a friend called Rebecca and her favorite one was Baby Spice because she was blonde. And so because I just desperately wanted people to like me, I went, ah, also Baby Spice.
Phil
I remember asking my mum, what's a Ziggy Zigga son?
Dan
Well, if she explained it to you, maybe you wouldn't be gay.
Phil
Maybe.
Dan
I'm joking. Obviously that's very problematic and that's not how sexuality works. Sexuality and parents can explain what Ziggy Ziggars are to people whenever they want. However, do we agree with the message that if you want to be someone's lover, you've got to get with their
Phil
friends, make it last forever.
Dan
Friendship never ends. No homo.
Phil
Is it an orgasm?
Dan
Like we're Siri. What is Zigga zigga? I don't know how to respond to that.
Phil
Oh, my God.
Sponsor Voice
Fuck you.
Dan
You're so shit.
Phil
Siri's gonna murder you.
Caller/Listener
Fucking.
Dan
No, you know what? Siri's not gonna murder me because Siri is the stupidest fucking thing in the entire world.
Phil
Break through the iPhone and choke you out.
Dan
Fan fiction. What is a zig Zig Zig R? You know what? That really filled out. It's a famous nonsense lyric that doesn't help Google. Fuck you. Oh, my God. I hate AI. What is it? It's innuendo for sexual intercourse.
Phil
Oh, they just really, really want to bang.
Dan
It's a radio friendly way to refer to an orgasm.
Announcer
Yes.
Phil
I knew it.
Dan
I really wanna zig A zig. Ah, I'm gonna zig.
Advertiser
Zig.
Dan
If someone said that, I'd back up. He's zigging.
Announcer
Yeah.
Sponsor Voice
Stand back.
Dan
I don't know what this was going. I don't know what my hands are doing. I want you to zig. I'm scared for that.
Phil
Don't zig on the wall.
Dan
R is fine. He's zigging.
Phil
He's zagging.
Dan
No, there's no zag.
Phil
Oh, there's no.
Dan
There's just two zigs.
Phil
I want a zag zag.
Caller/Listener
Ooh.
Dan
See, that made sense to me. Are you following?
Phil
I know.
Dan
Did we lose you there? Because I followed that. I enjoyed that. I want a zag zag at Ooh. But I had a nice birthday. I got to throw out all of my cards yesterday, which is always like, my highlight of the week.
Phil
What's your thing with birthday cards? Why do you hate them so much?
Dan
Don't need paper.
Phil
Dan doesn't give anyone a birthday card.
Dan
Don't need a boomer joke on a card.
Phil
Doesn't wrap birthday presents.
Dan
I'll give you a thoughtful gift like a pigeon rug.
Phil
It's very environmentally conscious, I guess, but also, like, why?
Dan
Also, I hate gift wrapping just because I'm bad at it. And so I'm like, I'm doing it for the trees. I'm just, I'm really shit at wrapping. I botch it.
Phil
But there's something cute about getting a like hand wrapped thing.
Dan
There is something thoughtful about knowing that your friend took the time to wrap something. But you know what I do? I like to go, oh, I've got it here. Close your eyes, open your hands.
Caller/Listener
Woo.
Phil
There you go.
Dan
Isn't the surprise of just closing your eyes and then opening your eyes as good as knowing that your friend took 15 minutes to wrap something?
Phil
That's why on my birthday I was like, take it away and wrap it. I want to open it.
Dan
Comment section. Is wrapping birthday presents mandatory? Or am I making a point that the whole present wrapping industry is a farce and that actually you can just say, close your eyes. Surprise.
Phil
Are you taking down big wrapping paper next? Is that what you're doing?
Dan
Exactly. And if I die in mysterious circumstances,
Phil
it was big wrapping paper podcast.
Dan
Yeah, big paper.
Phil
They're gonna wrap you in whimsical paper and throw you in a river.
Dan
And he was found washed up on the banks of the Thames covered in glitter.
Sponsor Voice 2
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Dan
What Time to be alive Summer of fun.
Phil
Goodbye, Keir Starmer.
Dan
People were saying that we caused that by announcing our tour.
Phil
Well, he said our announcement was coming. He tried to ruin it by announcing his departure the same day.
Dan
Excuse me, this is our press release moment. Sorry, Kier. Well, we got pot based on so I don't know what you managed to Achieve there with global headlines.
Phil
Podium man. Would you.
Sponsor Voice
What?
Phil
Would you have sex with the podium man?
Dan
Who's the podium man?
Phil
Have you not seen the sexy podium man? He's quite hot. He always comes out and brings the podium.
Dan
Are we just objectifying someone live on the podcast right now? Okay, no, everyone's doing it.
Phil
Everyone's doing it.
Dan
Oh, sorry. Everyone's doing it. So it's okay. Like the time we did that with the Olympians collectively.
Phil
Look at the podium guy.
Dan
Fucking hell.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
He could hit me in the fucking head with that podium.
Phil
He could smack you around the face.
Dan
He could lie on the floor like this and he could just crush my skull with the podium. And you know what I would say? Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Phil
See, I told you that brightened your day. With that, people thought that we were gonna announce that we were gonna be the joint Prime Minister.
Dan
What are the Kalshi odds on Dan and Phil becoming the next Prime Minister? What's a Kalshi dystopian?
Caller/Listener
What?
Dan
Just don't worry about it. Okay, well, when I announced we're all doomed, the Queen died. So it's just a thing that we do, I guess.
Phil
What's our fanifesto when we are the Prime Minister together? Gay trans is good.
Dan
Keep going.
Phil
Speak on it.
Dan
Keep going. Phil, what else is in the fanifesto?
Phil
More theme parks.
Dan
Okay, that could. Yeah, yeah.
Phil
Environment.
Dan
Environment.
Phil
Switch off the weather machine.
Dan
Wait, what? What do you mean by switch off the weather machine, Phil? You're implying that someone's controlling the weather.
Phil
I'm making a joke. That Keir Starmer left and then the weather got insane again.
Dan
But to be real, you know what we need to do? Invest in renewable energy sources so that we're not so reliant on oil.
Phil
Let's stop global warming. In fact, stop it. What about. Yeah, Wednesdays.
Dan
No more wet Wednesdays.
Phil
We don't need it.
Dan
Sorry. We're taking it out or.
Phil
No, we're just removing it.
Dan
Okay. It is a four day work week. Yeah, but you don't get a day off and then nobody's reducing the time.
Phil
Oh, no, that's shit. What if we get two Wednesdays and they're both an extra weekend in the middle of the week?
Dan
I'd love that. Yeah, to like two days on, two days off. Two days on, two days off.
Phil
Yes.
Dan
Double Wednesday and billionaires.
Phil
No, you win capitalism when you get 999 and then you give the rest
Dan
away to charity when you get 999 pounds. You win capitalism. You have to Give the rest away.
Phil
Give the rest away.
Dan
We may be in a bit of a reversal as trust situation here. But the vibes are going to be amazing. Okay. I mean at the rate that we go through prime ministers there is a non zero chance that this is going to happen. We are a deeply unserious country. We are. It's been two weeks. I don't like something.
Phil
We need a new one.
Dan
We're Prime Minister.
Phil
Andy Burnham is gonna be our new one.
Dan
Look at who's engaged.
Phil
I'm engaged.
Dan
I just want a Prime Minister with principles. I want someone that actually has an opinion that's not gonna flip flop. Ideally I'd also like them to be good principles that I agree with that will make the world nicer. But I'd also like us to just not look like a mess for a couple years at a time. We are a cuck country to the billionaire media though.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Our newspapers just hate everything and complain all the time.
Phil
Our newspapers are the the worst among the worst.
Dan
Yeah. We are mostly in the UK just being mind controlled by a billionaire owned newspapers.
Phil
So ban all newspapers.
Dan
Phil's just banning the media Day one, okay? You'll get shit done. Phil's like no democracy. But you can trust me. I am the dictator.
Phil
I will do impartial FNWS chat.
Dan
Do we trust Phil to be the benevolent dictator?
Phil
Could have done it then.
Dan
You could have. Speaking of toxic situation chips, did you see the that Taylor Swift, Matty Healy are having dueling weddings.
Phil
I don't really follow. What's a dueling wedding?
Dan
Well, they're accidentally like happening at the same time.
Phil
Are they?
Dan
Yeah.
Advertiser
Ooh.
Dan
Imagine if we fell out because our situationship became so toxic that we decided to weaponize our weddings.
Phil
Would we have separate weddings on the same day?
Dan
Yeah. Like when? Where? Who?
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
On your birthday.
Phil
You're gonna get married on my birthday?
Dan
Yeah.
Phil
With who?
Dan
Manchester town centre.
Advertiser
Who?
Dan
Would you really? Sam? The surfer. Oh, I'd find him.
Phil
Yeah. My surfer soulmate.
Dan
Not anymore. I just took him. So who are you gonna take?
Phil
Tony the Tiger?
Dan
Yeah.
Phil
Charles leclerc. Double throuple. Three way wedding in the Mercedes Formula one pit. And we're getting wed by all of the Pit boys.
Dan
The Pit boys. Okay.
Phil
This isn't RuPaul's Drag Race in their grinder pants.
Sponsor Voice 2
Yeah.
Phil
Okay.
Dan
What an image. What a story. That is fan fiction. And I think it might be libel at this point. Richard.
Phil
Richard.
Dan
Can we get it? Richard. Ok.
Announcer
Thank you.
Phil
Oh, we needed you lad.
Dan
Okay, welcome.
Phil
It's time for you to Twist that knob.
Dan
Is it? Save us, Richard.
Advertiser
Oh.
Phil
Oh, my God. Stop everything.
Dan
This is not a drill.
Phil
I'm scared. It's the golden ball. Well, it's happened. I wasn't expecting that. I've got like a palpitation, bro.
Dan
Tap ass all over again. Can I squeeze it in case you missed it? What this means is some you've forgotten. Yep.
Phil
What did we promise someone that has subscribed to our Patreon since it started? Either free fam or friend.
Dan
Even free followers. Over on patreon.com Dan and Phil is
Phil
going to win a golden pig.
Dan
You're gonna get a message from Dan and Phil on Patreon. We're gonna ask you where you live.
Phil
Yes.
Dan
And we are gonna send you an actual golden pin.
Phil
And if you choose, you can also ask us any question in the world. So next week.
Dan
Wait, did we say that? Dan and Phil, what is your credit card information?
Phil
Whatever you want.
Dan
Phil said it. Now we'll see.
Phil
Next week we are gonna reveal the golden pig winner. Wow.
Dan
So that's it. That's our Richard today.
Phil
Golden pig saved by the ball. One of you could win the pig.
Dan
Stop robbing the ball. It's not yours anymore.
Phil
We could give them the ball as well.
Dan
No, we probably want to keep the ball in case we want to do it again. How many gold balls do we have?
Phil
1.
Dan
Do we really only have one gold ball?
Announcer
Yes.
Phil
We'll keep the gold ball.
Dan
Okay.
Phil
You can't win that.
Dan
Well, speaking of our listeners, why don't we get more of them involved?
Phil
Come join us, voices.
Dan
Yeah, man. That's the intro. Who do we have today that would like to hard launch something with Dan and Phil?
Announcer
Hiya, Dan and Bill.
Dan
Hiya.
Announcer
My name's Emma from Australia and I'm hard launching, but I ran out of underwear and instead of doing any laundry, I wore the harness for my strap on to work. What instead.
Phil
Wow.
Dan
Is that comfortable?
Phil
Is that not gonna be a bit like leathery?
Dan
It's gonna leave like, you know, the harnessy kind of imprints on.
Phil
Yeah, yeah.
Dan
Was that the year of someone who is confused or the year of someone who's trying to act like they're confused? Because either way, you just made that real fucking weird podcast strap that off.
Phil
You could attach other attachments that are more work appropriate to the front of it.
Dan
Exactly. Like a USB stick.
Phil
Your water bottle.
Sponsor Voice
Wow.
Phil
What else?
Caller/Listener
Stapler.
Phil
A stapler.
Dan
Qua bam. Assert dominance on your boss.
Phil
It's all right, Jenny. I can get that. Whoop.
Dan
Practicing the Kegels. Cause I mean.
Phil
Okay, thank you for oversharing that. Please wash your pants.
Dan
Okay. Yes, Yes. I can't talk.
Phil
Next.
Caller/Listener
Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Hailey from Tennessee, and I would like to hard launch that people need to stop treating their significant like dogs.
Sponsor Voice
Oh.
Caller/Listener
Like if you were constantly commanding your partner to go do something or go get this, go do that. You just need to go do it yourself.
Dan
Ooh.
Phil
Firstly, I love how you say dogs. Dogs. Dan, you clicked at me earlier like a dog.
Dan
You're like, okay, firstly, I would never do that to a dog. I love dogs and I love cats.
Phil
I'm beneath both of those. Apparently.
Dan
I was busy and I was on a call and I needed you to pass me something, but I didn't want to be like, sorry, I'm gonna interrupt the person that we're speaking to. So I just went. Which I think have we not earned the right after 16 years? Just click when the time is right.
Phil
Yeah. There's also other ways to talk to someone like a dog, such as bad boy.
Dan
No down. Down, Bad boy. No down.
Phil
Bad boy.
Dan
Well, people didn't like when we posted that one TikTok.
Phil
They did not like.
Dan
They didn't like pet play on main.
Phil
Good boy. They didn't like that. No medium boy.
Dan
So noted. Treat people with respect unless they want you to not treat them with respect.
Phil
Treat your significant other kindness, or they deserve to leave you.
Dan
Unless they want that. In which case we're not shaming anyone here.
Phil
Get the collar out.
Caller/Listener
Hi, Denonville. My name is Cypher and I'm from Tacoma, Washington. My hard launch is that I would love to come to your show in Seattle on October 16, but I really need you guys to convince my mom. I was hoping to take the clip from the episode and use it to convince her to let me go because I am really, really excited and I'm a newer fanny. So I would love to get to see you guys.
Phil
We got this.
Caller/Listener
Thank you.
Dan
No pressure.
Announcer
Okay.
Dan
This is a message straight to the mums watching who need to be convinced to come to the Dan and Phil
Phil
tour, especially Cypher's mum who wants to come to Seattle. We are a good influence. We're gonna have a great time.
Dan
Overall, the message is positive.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Good moral influence. Even if day to day the language. Yeah. No, no. Yeah.
Phil
We are two moral English boys.
Dan
They might not be into the English thing because America.
Phil
Well, we are two moral lads from Earth and we're gonna have positive messages. Oh, there's a fly. We don't kill animals in this oh, it's a mosquito.
Dan
Fuck that bitch. Hey. We'll inspire them to have a career in theater.
Phil
Yes.
Dan
Yeah.
Phil
And they deserve a ticket. And if you want to treat them, it's danfiltour.com.
Dan
okay. You went straight into the ad there. Is there nothing more that you can say? It's gonna be. There's gonna be loads of other mums. There always are. There's dads, there's grandmas. It's a formative bonding memory. It is that you want to have that moment together. It's gonna be fun. We'll give you a shout out.
Phil
And cypher.
Announcer
Yeah.
Phil
Together watching a show. You're both gonna love.
Dan
Come look at him. He's practically begging.
Phil
I'm going to cry.
Dan
No, we don't need to go for the guilt, but you're gonna have a great time and we'll see you there.
Phil
See you there.
Dan
If you come, send us an email.
Phil
Thank you. We've already run out of golden pigs.
Announcer
Thank.
Dan
We'll say thank. I'll look at you in the eyes and I'll say thank you.
Phil
Yeah.
Dan
Did it.
Phil
We did it. We've got another one. One more. One more, please.
Dan
Okay, okay.
Caller/Listener
Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Kate from the US and I'm hard launching that. I'm 19 and getting a colonoscopy tomorrow, and I'm about to take my first sip of the colonoscopy prep.
Phil
Uh oh.
Dan
Thoughts and prayers. Is she okay? Oh, my God. Oh, she just did it.
Caller/Listener
And I lived.
Phil
Well done.
Dan
Wow. I wasn't expecting that to be live on the scene.
Phil
Firstly, don't be ashamed to go to the doctor for your bum issues. They're out there.
Dan
Hey, get all the oscopies for all the parts of your body.
Phil
I've had all the Oscar pies.
Dan
Look after your health.
Phil
Doing a colonoscopy is not that bad,
Dan
but the next 12 hours of your life might be toilet heavy.
Phil
What I would say is don't take the prep and then agree to play a tabletop game with your friends, which is what I did. And I have to keep running to the toilet every 20 minutes.
Dan
You know how we started this podcast with the no Piss Challenge. I hearken for those days.
Phil
No colon challenge.
Dan
I yearn for the piss. Can we go back?
Phil
Also, when you have the sedation, maybe don't talk about how it looks like Mario Kart on the screen you're watching, which is what I did.
Announcer
What?
Dan
Mario Kart was Bowser's fucking colon.
Phil
I don't remember that inside Bowser's Hole.
Dan
Yeah, I don't remember that. What kind of dodgy Mario Kart exe did you play?
Phil
Don't you want to know?
Dan
I don't.
Phil
Luigi's pipe.
Dan
Okay, well, on that note, thanks for joining us for another beautiful hard Monday.
Phil
What a great episode. We got the golden ball.
Dan
We talked about the mums.
Phil
We had fun.
Dan
Talked about the bums, even though we tried not to. And hey, if you want to see this live, hey, we're hitting the road.
Phil
Dan and PhilTour.com, join us for more of this on a stage. We're going to be right there in front of you.
Dan
It's all of this and more and in the ways that you don't like. Maybe less.
Phil
Yeah. And if you want some bonus Dan and Phil time, if you don't want to let go of us too yet, come to the Patreon where we're gonna be continuing this party. Have a nice life.
Dan
Thanks for the support. We'll see you next time.
Phil
Sleep well.
Dan
Bye. Don't let the lightning bite.
Sponsor Voice
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Episode: Addressing the elephant in the room
Released: June 29, 2026
Hosts: Dan and Phil
Theme: Unfiltered Oversharing, Major Announcements, and Community Vibes
In this energetic and irreverent episode of HARD LAUNCH, Dan and Phil embrace their trademark chaos to address the long-awaited "elephant in the room." The duo officially hard launch both their relationship and an upcoming world tour, all while amusingly oversharing about birthdays gone wrong, doorbell fears, interpersonal etiquette, and listener confessions. True to the ethos of this new podcast era, it's messy, honest, and delightfully unhinged.
Red Receipts & Message Anxiety:
Saying ‘Thank You’:
On Red Receipts:
On Tour Announcement:
On Birthday Wrapping:
On Listener Confession (Strap-On Harness):
On Colonoscopies:
The episode oozes Dan and Phil’s signature banter: irreverent, affectionate, cheeky, and occasionally self-deprecating. There’s a warm inclusivity, especially during their community-building tour segments and listener voicemails. The hosts are unafraid to poke fun at themselves, each other, and the absurdity of 2026.
Addressing the elephant in the room is a quintessentially Dan and Phil experience—big laughs, chaotic friendship energy, candid confessions, and a splashy “hard launch” for both the tour and their new, openly queer era. Longtime fans get nostalgia-fueled shenanigans; newcomers are invited in with open arms (and the promise of organized chaos on tour). Whether you’re listening for the bants, the community, or just to hear someone else’s “oversharing,” this is an episode not to miss.