How we’d sleep with three in a bed

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil — Ep: "How we’d sleep with three in a bed"

Date: April 13, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Theme:
A wild mix of chaotic confessions, audience responses to polycule sleep logistics, sparkling space chat, British attitudes, and more. Dan and Phil embrace the “overshare” in high-energy, candid exchanges, blending humor and sincerity while discussing everything from three-in-a-bed arrangements to awkward family gifts, space food, and even cannibalism… with frequent asides and memorable fan input.

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on Dan and Phil responding to follow-up messages from last week’s chat about polycule (multi-person relationship) sleeping arrangements. The discussion quickly careens across topics: bodily mishaps, laundry detergent mishaps, family visits, accidental gift regifting, British social habits, the new Artemis lunar mission, space food, and inventive responses from listeners. The show keeps a rollicking, irreverent, and intimate tone, inviting listeners into their day-to-day and thoughts on queer and polycule life.

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Main Topics & Key Moments

1. Dan's Shirt Incident & “Top 10 Worst Moments”

[00:33–02:30]

• Incident: Dan gets stuck taking his shirt off and strains his shoulder, leaving Phil worried by his screams.
• Description:
  • Dan: “Top 10 worst moments of my entire life. Unbelievable pain... laid out like a fucking shrimp.” (00:48)
  • Phil: “Like a baby newborn hippo.” (01:51)
• Aftermath: Phil’s confusion and concern, Dan’s embarrassment, and mutual jokes about overreacting.

2. Calamity & Anxiety Confessions

[03:45–05:16]

• Pronouns joke (00:47): Phil pronounces himself as “this/it/that/bitch/what.”
• Phil’s health anxiety: Obsessing over Google searches and mishaps (like getting detergent in his eye from a hat), raising anxiety about going blind.
• Dan: “I don’t do the washing. That’s your job.” (05:03)
  Phil: “Phil belongs in the kitchen.” (05:04) — both play up and subvert domestic gender role stereotypes.

3. Polycule Sleep Dynamics: Listener Advice

[05:16–08:15]

• Reading listener comments about sleeping in polycules:
  • kycorrigan4741: “The middle sleeper… best spot except if you need to pee.” (05:38)
  • Phil suggests the “middle person needs to just like shimmy themself down out of the bottom of the bed… like a seal.” (06:06)
  • bluejaypirate4560: “You are severely underestimating the power of a California King… [which can hold] four or five people, no problem.” (06:43)
  • Bemgood: Group of five who “do rock, paper, scissors for the bed/sofa;” “Get on the sofa, Janice.” (07:45)
• Dan: “We need systems engineered here!” (08:06)
• Phil: “Just mattresses all over the floor. Every surface is bed.” (08:09)

4. Fashion Anxiety and British Society

[08:30–10:17]

• Phil’s anxiety about standing out in colorful clothing while traveling, stemming from both London’s gray fashion and his childhood in a northern town.
• Dan: “Assert dominance on the Great Western Railway service to Reading.” (10:11)
• Both discuss the discomfort of drawing attention, and Phil’s ultimate embrace of his style: “I look like the main character in an anime.” (09:08)

5. Train Etiquette & Gift Regifting Crisis

[10:21–12:04]

• Awkwardness when a family willfully sits at Dan and Phil’s train table despite empty seats.
• Memorable moment:
  • Phil accidentally re-gifts a bottle of wine Dan’s mom gave him back to her for Easter.
    • Dan: “The clock was immediate. My mum just went, ‘Oh, that’s the one I gave you.’” (11:16)
    • Phil: “Let’s all enjoy it together…” (11:54)
• Dan’s dog finally accepts Phil: “I got a little hand lick. I’m in the pack.” (12:21)

6. Glitter, Gender, and Breaking Heteronorms

[12:44–14:07]

• Both covered in Lush bath product glitter after unboxing a sponsored gift (with tongue-in-cheek regret at falling for free marketing).
• Phil: “I think I enjoy being glittery. I want it to be all over my skin.”
• Discussion on gender expression via “fairy” and Pokémon types:
  • Dan: “You were like, what gender is this? Fairy fairy type.” (13:43)
  • Phil: “I’m fairy water.”
    Dan: “You are dark psychic.” (13:57–14:03)

7. Space Talk: Artemis II, Moon Food, and British Disinterest

[16:18–22:15]

• Excitement about the Artemis II lunar mission.
• Dan: “I backshot Googled: ‘When will moon happen?’” (16:36)
• Moon food hilarity:
  • “43 cups of coffee a day for 4 astronauts. They are tweaking.” (18:44)
  • “Five different hot sauces flying around the moon.” (18:58)
• “Would you go to the moon?” YouGov British poll:
  • Top reason not to go: “I’m just not interested.” 23%
  • Phil: “Oh, come on everyone, have a bit of excitement.” (20:50)
  • Both lampoon British apathy.

8. Space Funding, Social Good, and Dan & Phil Utopia

[21:25–22:23]

• Dan (serious!) on public vs. space spending:
  • “There is enough money on Earth to make sure everyone has healthcare… and go to space.”
  • “The great lie: We shouldn’t have to choose.” (21:41–22:06)
• Phil: “Let’s sign up to the Dan and Phil utopia.” (22:15)

9. Football, Fandom, and Faking Knowledge

[22:23–24:09]

• Fears about football dominating social conversations (“We will lie.”).
  • Phil attempts to invent football fandom personas: “I’m gonna be Terry Midfield’s left ab.” (23:29)
• Dan: “I could get you into Formula One… it’s about the angsty, rich twinks.” (23:46)
• Phil: “That’s just called a body pillow.” (24:03)

10. Audience Calls: Passcode Confessions, Survival Cannibalism, & Polycule Plot Twists

[27:41–32:06]

• Listener Luisa from Mexico: Still uses “PHAN” as her phone code since 2016.
  Dan: “This is your sign to change it.” (28:34)
• Lindsay from Michigan: Advocates for survival cannibalism ethics.
  • Phil: “I would happily eat you if it meant staying alive.” (29:24)
  • Dan: “That’s not survival cannibalism, that’s murder cannibalism.” (29:47)
• Hard launch of a throuple:
  Kirsten & Andrea call to announce their relationship—joined off-mic by David, Andrea’s “straight boyfriend.”
  • Dan: “And I’m David, with the steel chair out of the ladder.” (32:05)
• Dan immediately adopts “And I’m David” as his new soundboard clip.

11. Wasps, Figs, and Godlike Justice

[33:02–35:10]

• Crunching wasps; wasps vs. bees; weird fig facts (“Every fig contains a dead wasp”).
• Phil: “When I become God, I’m killing all wasps and mosquitoes.” (33:19)
• Dan: “Look, they’re not good vibes, are they?” (33:33)

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On bodily mishaps:
  “I looked like a fucking shrimp… like something gross that came out of a mammal just flopped onto the floor.” – Dan (00:48)

• On regifting:
  “My mum just went, ‘Oh, that’s the one I gave you.’” – Dan (11:16)

• On polycule logistics:
  “The middle sleeper in my lesbian polycule… best spot in the middle. As long as you don’t need to pee during the night.” – Listener comment (05:38)
  “The room is bed.” – Phil (08:15)

• On Britishness:
  “I get nervous that if I stand out too much, someone might see me as a target.” – Phil (09:59)
  "The nail that stands out gets hammered." – Dan (10:03)
  “The most British shit ever… ‘Why don’t you want to go to the moon?’ – ‘I’m just not interested.’” – Dan (20:20)

• On gender and aesthetics:
  “If you can be Phil, are you a fairy type?” – Dan (13:44)
  “I’m fairy water.” – Phil (13:55)

• On moon food:
  “Eleven and a bit cups of coffee per person per day. They are tweaking.” – Dan (18:44)
  “Five different hot sauces flying around the moon.” – Dan (18:58)

• On choosing between space and social investment:
  “There is enough money on Earth to make sure that everybody has healthcare and ... food and there’s no war ... and go to space.” – Dan (21:41)

• On outing themselves as fake football fans:
  "I’m going to have my face as Terry midfield." – Phil (23:25)
  “It’s just about the angsty, rich twinks.” – Dan on F1 (23:46)

• On survival cannibalism:
  “I would happily eat you if it would mean staying alive.” – Phil (29:24)
  “That’s not survival cannibalism. That’s murder cannibalism.” – Dan (29:47)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Dan's Shirt Incident: 00:33–02:30
• Laundry/Health Anxiety: 04:03–05:16
• Polycule Sleepmail: 05:16–08:15
• Clothing Anxiety: 08:30–10:17
• Train Etiquette/Regifting: 10:21–12:04
• Glitter & Gender Talk: 12:44–14:07
• Space & Moon Food: 16:18–22:15
• Social Issues/Utopian Rant: 21:25–22:23
• Football/Fake Fandom: 22:23–24:09
• Listener Calls & Poly Plot Twist: 27:41–32:06
• Wasp/Fig Bit: 33:02–35:10

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Tone and Style

Dan and Phil retain their signature blend of hyperactive banter, meme-able quotables, and candid vulnerability. The episode is packed with inside jokes, meta-commentary on fandom, and open discussion of unconventional relationship models and social anxieties. Their interactions with audience contributions give the episode a live, improvisational energy.

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For New Listeners

This episode is representative of Dan and Phil’s blend of oversharing, comedy, queer solidarity, and audience participation. Fans of quirky, unfiltered life talk and creative responses to nontraditional relationship dynamics will especially appreciate it—there are laughs, relatable moments, and unexpected (occasionally unhinged) wisdom throughout.

Transcript

[A]

You know what they say. Early bird gets the ultimate vacation home. Book early and save over $120 with VRBO. Because early gets you closer to the action, whether it's waves lapping at the shore or snoozing in a hammock that overlooks. Well, whatever you want it to. So you can all enjoy the payoff come summer with Vrbo's early booking deals. Rise and shine. Average savings, $141. Select homes only. I'm full of adrenaline. I thought Dan died.

[B]

This is so overdramatic.

[A]

I was sat on my phone, scrolling away on the bed when I heard Dan screaming from the other room.

[B]

So I tried to take my shirt off with only the top button undone, and I got stuck and I strained my shoulder. This happens, right? But the problem was I got so trapped in the shirt that the exact point of excruciating pain was I couldn't move. And I gotta be honest, I'm not minimizing anybody's suffering. Top 10 worst moments of my entire life. Unbelievable pain. I'm sat there like this, and then my arm, I can't move it. So I'm just trapped going,

[A]

so you're just stuck in a neck twinge? Anyway, I didn't know what was going on. I ran up to the door. I was like, you okay? You okay? Door was closed. I hear.

[B]

Cause you just heard screaming. I understand why that would be disturbing.

[A]

I hear, don't come in. Don't look at me. I was like, what? Now I'm more scared. Is there a snake? Look, is there an attacker?

[B]

When this happens, you twinge a muscle. There is nothing you can do about it but just wait for the pain to disappear. And in that moment, I had just schlopped this shirt off. I was laying with my shirt off in the fetal position on the floor, and I looked like a fucking shrimp. In that moment, I knew I. I looked disgusting.

[A]

Like a baby newborn hippo.

[B]

Like something gross that came out of a mammal just flopped onto the floor. And I'm just sat there going.

[A]

So I was so confused.

[B]

And you were like, can I help you? And I was like, don't look at me, don't look at me. I really just needed to ride it out.

[A]

I was so worried. I was so confused. But I thought, okay, he's told me twice. I'm just going to leave it. Ten minutes later, stressed, Dan comes back in shaking.

[B]

Cause you still hadn't known what happened?

[A]

No, I was like, what the hell was that? He was like, oh, I hurt my neck taking my Shirt off.

[B]

What? I really should have clarified. I'm sorry, Phil.

[A]

Talk about the Dan who cried wolf.

[B]

Oh, you're not gonna believe me the next time something horrible does happen.

[A]

No, the lava lamp incident. I'm not gonna help you.

[B]

I'll be stuck on the floor glass somewhere, bleeding out.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Sorry. Three, two, one.

[A]

I was just at the Hard Monday. What? I was.

[B]

Hello, everybody. Happy week. Welcome back to the Dan and Phil podcast.

[A]

A fly starts buzzing around my piss stream and I'm like, come on, just give me a bit of privacy. I don't want to stop because I'm mid flow. It flies directly into it and dies. Imagine dying in someone's piss. What a way to go. Yeah, I felt bad. Sorry, sorry.

[B]

That is the worst start to maybe any podcast.

[A]

Do you think of all creatures on earth, that was the worst death of the day.

[B]

Yeah, sometimes I look at moths and I'm like, girl, you didn't have to do it. That fly, brother.

[A]

Maybe it was just a filthy pervert.

[B]

Yes, please kill me with your piss.

[A]

Coat me in it. Hi, welcome to another Hard Monday with Dan and Phil.

[B]

Failed the challenge hard this week.

[A]

The no piss challenge. Already gone. This is Dan, this is Phil, and we're not gonna have any other calamities.

[B]

He's a this.

[A]

Pronouns this, I'm this, it, that, slash bitch, and what. We're not gonna have any of the calamities, are we?

[B]

Is that a threat or a plea to the universe?

[A]

It's a plea to the universe.

[B]

You're in control of your own life.

[A]

Yeah, I was a bit worried. I think I've got mild health anxiety again. I keep getting worried about things.

[B]

You think, what are you worried about now?

[A]

If you look at my Google searches, they're like detergent in eye.

[B]

Does oxygen give you venereal disease?

[A]

Yeah, I need to wash my weirdle. Doomed. I wear it quite a lot.

[B]

Phil repping the Dan Merch permanently.

[A]

I repping it also helps me with my migraines when Phil gets the tingly

[B]

feeling in his head.

[A]

Squeezes my head.

[B]

Something about the Dan 2022 tour trucker cap. It's the only thing that hits the spot.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, I put it in the sink with a bit of laundry detergent and hand washed it. Cause I didn't want it to shrink in the washing machine. Anyway, then I read the best way to reshape a hat is to put it back on your head.

[B]

So you put the still moist hat

[A]

on your head and the detergenty water went straight in my eye.

[B]

So you didn't rinse the detergent out and then your hat squeezed the sponge. That was the cap.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Putting the detergent directly into your tear dust.

[A]

So then I spent the whole of yesterday thinking, am I gonna go blind? It's burning.

[B]

You were googling. Does fairy liquid cause instant blindness?

[A]

It wasn't fairy liquid.

[B]

What was it?

[A]

It wasn't a dish. It was a hat. Dan. It was clothing detergent.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Right. Well, I don't know. I don't do the washing. That's your job.

[A]

A fill belongs.

[B]

Which I didn't mean.

[A]

Phil belongs in the kitchen.

[B]

Like a roll thing. It just happened. Like, we each do certain things.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Dan fixes the.

[B]

Phil does the laundry and does. I do most of our job. And other stuff.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I wanna address the Polycule sleeping arrangements chat that happened from last week.

[A]

So since we last chatted, we've got Blake and he's sleeping in the middle and there's not enough space.

[B]

We were talking about Polycules. How does it work? And people came with the answers. Turns out. Hey, Dan and Phil, we got the Polycule pod listeners.

[A]

We had A comment from kycorrigan4741.

[B]

Nice. Full name them.

[A]

The middle sleeper in my lesbian polycule. I can confirm it is the best spot in the middle. As long you don't need to pee during the night. Lol.

[B]

See? Lol. What happens if you do need to pee? Stand on them.

[A]

Yeah. And also the ratio of people needing to pee is gonna increase with each person in the queue.

[B]

The disruption is so much more likely to happen. That is so true, Phil.

[A]

Yeah. Sometimes I get off for two pisses.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Maybe the middle person needs to just like shimmy themself down out of the bottom of the bed.

[A]

Snake it down to the bottom. Yeah.

[B]

So like that. And then just kind of flop out onto the floor. But I am very conscious of not disturbing people. People, people. So I. The fallocations, the fonspiracies.

[A]

Yeah. All 11 of them.

[B]

I'm like, be silent. It's respectful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I am just so quiet. I don't want to make a noise. I don't want to breathe. Middle person. It must be very hard to slump out of the middle of the bottom of the bed.

[A]

They need to glump like a seal.

[B]

Quietly quiet.

[A]

Galumphing.

[B]

Bluejaypirate4560. Who are these bots in the comments? Why you all got the four digit?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Generated. Whatever.

[A]

It's been a long time since they made the Internet.

[B]

You people are severely underestimating the power of California King.

[A]

Oh, I know.

[B]

A unit of. Of about half a dozen or more people in the greater Portland Polycule.

[A]

A unit.

[B]

Sorry, are we taking the piss?

[A]

I think this is real.

[B]

Is this a serious comment? This is like folklore.

[A]

This is a Polycule.

[B]

Is this a real podcast from the infamous Portland Polycule who all regularly stay at the same house, which two of them own.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Their California King can hold, like, four people, no problem. Or five.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

They also have a queen in the guest room if everyone decides to come round at all once. Okay.

[A]

Five in the bed, and the little one said, I'm pissing.

[B]

I can't escape. Sonny Chavez. 6,000, 731.

[A]

What the fuck? Answer to the polycule question. Two beds. Or you make the smallest person sleep in the middle of the bed and suffer.

[B]

You make the smallest person sleep in the middle.

[A]

Whoa. They could just press two beds together and make a gigabed.

[B]

Bemgood said, I knew a trans femm molecule of five who had a double bed. And two would sleep on the floor and one would sleep on the sofa. And they would do rock, paper, scissors for the bed sofa.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Get on the sofa, Janice. You're lost. You keep playing rock.

[B]

I feel like we're still working out the kinks. Literally. Yeah, we are. Pro people's polycule lifestyles.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I just feel like if we're playing rock, paper, scissors or saying if you're just the smallest one, you're in the middle and you have to piss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We need to have better systems engineered here.

[A]

Just put mattresses all over the floor.

[B]

The bedroom, every. The room is bed.

[A]

Every surface is bed.

[B]

The floor is polycule, the wall is.

[A]

We've been having a fun week. I don't even know what I was gonna talk about. I thought you were gonna jump in. What have you been doing?

[B]

I never know where the fuck you're going.

[A]

I want you to tell me what we've been doing.

[B]

We went to go visit my family. Wow. Phil, memorable.

[A]

Oh, it was a great time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Except the train.

[B]

Well, firstly, Phil freaked out before we left the house because it was like, am I too colorful?

[A]

I've made a realization. Nobody in London wears color. I was the only person going to the train station in Paddington in a colorful outfit. Everyone else is in gray and black.

[B]

I think it's the degree of color that you wear. Phil was wearing his cloudy fleece with some silver shoes and some baggy, glittery blue Jeans that you own.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you felt that you looked maybe a bit loud.

[A]

I look like the main character in an anime.

[B]

Some people wear colors. Phil looked very. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just makes me the alpha and all of you the B tier.

[B]

Okay, well, you don't need to drag me into this, because I was about to compliment you.

[A]

Compliment me?

[B]

So am I your B character? I'm trying to crush your spirit.

[A]

You're my alpha, bro. Side piece.

[B]

Yeah, you're just saying words to the polycules out there. You're saying all kinds of stuff about our dynamic omega. You're in heat.

[A]

I'm in heat. What do they do?

[B]

Collapse on the floor, I think, and

[A]

they're like, ah, I need to rut. Is that a horse?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Phil was like, am I in danger?

[A]

I think it's a slight anxiety thing from when I lived in, like, reading.

[B]

Yeah, you're gonna get bopped.

[A]

Yeah, I might get bopped. I think it's a psychological anxiety thing from when I lived in a rough northern town, which is actually quite nice now.

[B]

Yeah, you really missed the.

[A]

I get nervous that if I stand out too much, someone might see me as a target.

[B]

The nail that stands out gets hammered.

[A]

Don't hammer me.

[B]

That's sad, bro.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless. Yeah.

[A]

But then I thought, actually, no, fuck you. Anxiety.

[B]

Assert dominance on all of these people on the Great Western Railway service to Reading.

[A]

I'm gonna look cool in my cloud fleece.

[B]

And you did.

[A]

I did. And I bet people were like, oh, I wish I was wearing that, but I'm sat in my gray coat.

[B]

Do you know who appreciated that? The family of people that sat in the two directly opposite us, despite the carriage being completely empty.

[A]

What was that about?

[B]

Deranged behavior. Unacceptable.

[A]

That was weird.

[B]

Total of 50 empty seats. They just walk on. Granted, we were the first thing that they saw.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Doors open. They go, all right, you two sit there, and we'll sit opposite these two. And we're just like.

[A]

But then the whole train. To be fair, we did have a table seat, but even then, you can still talk to your friend who's next to you in the other bit.

[B]

There were eight other tables.

[A]

They didn't even utilize the table.

[B]

That's disgusting.

[A]

Their elbow didn't touch it.

[B]

We had a gift bag on the table.

[A]

We did.

[B]

We used it.

[A]

A bottle of wine, which embarrassingly.

[B]

Oh, my God. Phil put his whole ph. Foot in it.

[A]

My foot went into my fussy.

[B]

This was actually awful. You say it.

[A]

Dan's mom gifted me a nice Bottle of white wine for Christmas, and I gifted it back to her for Easter.

[B]

And the clock was immediate Bing. My mum just went, oh, that's the one that I gave you. Wow.

[A]

I could have fixed it and been like, I loved it so much.

[B]

I got you one back, gagged and took a full computer not responding. Six and a half seconds, and it was quite excruciating. And I could have said something.

[A]

You could have said something.

[B]

I could have said anything in that moment.

[A]

I'd be like, sorry, Dan, we've got to break up and I need to move to Fiji.

[B]

Yeah, I'd understand.

[A]

I need to climb out of my own mouth.

[B]

But then you did save it by going, yeah, we hadn't had a moment yet, so I thought, let's all enjoy it together now.

[A]

Yes, let's all enjoy it even though it's in a gift bag, which sounds like a gift. Yeah, we'll all enjoy it together. I thought you could have a glass of your own wine that you bought me.

[B]

Recycling.

[A]

Yeah. Also good news. Dan's dog accepts me now.

[B]

You got a little nuzzle under the table. Actually, I think that just means that you were the beta because it thought that you were the most likely to give him a piece of food under the table.

[A]

Oh, I was the beta.

[B]

It sniffed you out as the weakest link. This person is gonna give me the goods if I stand next to them and go.

[A]

But I used to get, like, a confused woof and now I got a little hand lick. I'm in the pack.

[B]

It did mean feed me, but you have been welcomed. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But we had a lovely time. And Dan had a glittery sheen the whole time as well. You looked like Edward. You were glittering.

[B]

Thank you. I was gonna say Scissorhands would be like a compliment for the aesthetic. I'll take dead person. Yeah, we got gifted a box of stuff from Lush.

[A]

We opened it on Patreon, if you want to watch us do that.

[B]

In the last podcast, guys, we fell for the traps. Someone sent us a promotional box and we literally were just like, oh, cool stuff. Let's open it. When will we learn about podcasters? We said, like, God damn it, they got us good.

[A]

They got you good, though. Cause you were covered in glitter.

[B]

I kinda liked it.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Yeah, I was very herpacious.

[A]

I liked it on you everywhere. It is all over our desk, Fucking everywhere.

[B]

Towels, sink, mouse, laptop, keyboard, crevice. Glitter that will never be removed, but

[A]

I use some of it. And you know what? I've kind of changed my opinion on glittery things. I think I enjoy being glittery. I think it's like my bright colors thing. I want it to be all over my skin as well.

[B]

Phil was like, why can't me as a boy just, like, cover myself in glittering colors and all kind of fun stuff? You were like, how do I blue fleece myself but all over my body?

[A]

I need to put punched through the heteronormativity. Because when we did our calendar, you

[B]

liked being a fairy.

[A]

I liked being a fairy. I liked having my glitter on.

[B]

Phil was like, what gender is this? Hmm.

[A]

Fairy fairy type.

[B]

If you can be Phil, are you a fairy type?

[A]

I think I am a fairy.

[B]

Electric.

[A]

Whoa. Yeah, I'll take it.

[B]

Does that make sense to you?

[A]

That makes sense.

[B]

Or are you water fairy Water fairy. Are you fairy at all?

[A]

I think I'm fairy water.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I like that you are dark psychic.

[B]

Ooh. I'd have taken ghost, but I'll.

[A]

You're not ghost.

[B]

Why?

[A]

There's life in this old dog yet.

[B]

We'll see. This episode might kill me.

[A]

Speaking of sponsored gifts, here's a gift to all of you right now. Oh. Dead. Thank you to our best friends, daddies, and Overall great lads. NordVPN.

[B]

Yep. Okay.

[A]

Thank you for sponsoring the podcast. We're all wondering what Dan is secretly looking at on his phone in the middle of the night. But I can't snoop.

[B]

How to piss without waking up. Keith.

[A]

Keith. Thank you to NordVPN. He can hide his Internet browsing. All of the bears, all of those tents, everything that's going on in that dungeon.

[B]

California King.

[A]

Yeah, you hide that by just getting NORDVPN on your phone or your laptop or your other device, of which you

[B]

can have up to 10.

[A]

And that means no one can snoop on your Internet browsing, which is also great if you are in a cafe. And because they're cheekily looking at what everyone's looking at. Oh, he's got a latte. And look at what websites he's on.

[B]

What website is he on in your head?

[A]

He's buying an engagement ring for his boyfriend.

[B]

This marriage is getting off to a good start. A place of mutual trust and understanding. Not.

[A]

But my favorite thing is, if you've got a TV show you want to watch, you can put NordVPN on your TV, change your location, and then the streaming service will have loads of new stuff, which is great for anime. We're just like, boop, there it is.

[B]

New season's not out yet. Well, it is over here. Sorry.

[A]

Who wants a Special deal.

[B]

Me.

[A]

Do you want a two year plan but do you want how many months extra for free? 4. Go to nordvpn.com hardlaunch code hardlaunch grab our deal and protect yourself. Thanks Nord K Pop Demon Hunters Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Tricks Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans. What do you say to that, Rumi? It's not a battle. So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.

[B]

It is an honor to share. It's our honor.

[A]

It is our larger honor.

[B]

No, really, stop.

[A]

You can really feel the respect in this battle. Pick a meal to pick a side.

[B]

Ba da ba ba ba a participating

[A]

McDonald's while supplies last. Space the final frontier.

[B]

They're up there.

[A]

They are up there.

[B]

That was exciting, wasn't it?

[A]

That was so exciting. I can't believe humans have gone further than ever before so far. So far I felt like I was part of something better than all the shit that's in the news.

[B]

Yeah, it wasn't like Mars, but it was like new thing exciting around the

[A]

back of the moon.

[B]

I immediately backshot googled. When will moon happen? It's like 2028 when they saw that moon Ussy, the dark side.

[A]

Yeah. All the good stuff's on the front of the moon is what we learned.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We get the face.

[B]

Mm. They just get a load of holes.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I mean, that's mostly what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Am I right, brother?

[A]

Imagine being up there, though, in space. Yeah.

[B]

How would you feel? Would that scare you or is that exciting?

[A]

I would be scared because things go wrong when I'm in the vicinity of them. Phil breathed on the wire and now the spaceship's on fire.

[B]

Oh, that rhymed.

[A]

It did. That's what I'll say as I'm dying.

[B]

You would be Homer Simpson in space. I don't think you would be there.

[A]

No.

[B]

Unless you were trained to do something.

[A]

I'd be the hype man.

[B]

Vibes, that's very important. We can only take four people. One of them is Vibes. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's what you need.

[B]

I think you would add a certain amount of whimsy and a guaranteed amount of death to a space mission.

[A]

Thank you. What about you?

[B]

I don't think I could survive based on how they need to live.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just the more I learn about like basic bodily functions, it really scares me.

[A]

Because you've got a shy bladder.

[B]

I mean, how do you slip out of the California King in space to do your zero gravity piss.

[A]

I think it's kind of a tube situation.

[B]

Do you want a tube? I like just being able to kill a fly when I need to. They tweeted. And by they, I mean fucking popcrave. The amount of people globally that just see tweets from Pop Crave and just go, this is actually how I get my news now.

[A]

This is now the news. I think that's what it is.

[B]

It's just a thing now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whoever's running Pop Crave, stay good, okay? Because we need you. You've got the power now. Stay good.

[A]

What did they order?

[B]

So this is what they took to space. And this made me laugh. In the most common food items, we have stuff like tortilla. Good for keeping the ingredients together.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

And general category, like cauliflower, it doesn't say if it's ingredient or it's like whole cauliflowers. And then it gets real fucking specific. Broccoli au gratin.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

We've got broccoli in the form of cheese bake.

[A]

Cheesy broccoli. A mango salad.

[B]

I like that. Yeah. Almonds and cashews. Fuck pistachios. They made a choice, though.

[A]

Of all of the fruit drinks, they've chosen a pineapple drink.

[B]

Don't finish that thought. Oh, apparently I did the math on this. 43 cups of coffee per day. 4 astronauts, 11 and a bit cups of coffee per person per day. They are tweaking.

[A]

They need to be on that, though, if they're gonna be touching wires and all that.

[B]

I think they should maybe not be too shaky if they're touching wires.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do the spacewalk and you're sat there going, yeah, I don't know.

[A]

There are five different hot sauces flying around the moon right now.

[B]

Who the fuck made this infographic? Five Canadian products and 58 tortillas. Okay, cool.

[A]

And their favorite sweet thing is cookies.

[B]

Who brought cobbler to space?

[A]

I had a cereal milk cookie the other day and it changed my life. That is the new thing. That's my new hot honey matcha cereal milk flavored stuff.

[B]

Isn't that just birthday cake flavor?

[A]

No, it's got like crunchy nut cornflake energy. It's amazing.

[B]

So it's like birthday cake, but then they add the crunch at the corn.

[A]

White chocolate, creamy, crunchy.

[B]

Do you know what the thing that's interesting there is?

[A]

What?

[B]

Who else rides for the flavor? Corn. What if you're at a restaurant and there's like a regular dessert and then they go with some corn, something.

[A]

I once had a corn drink, a

[B]

cocktail, and they go, corn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Corn is one of those things that gets me going.

[A]

It makes him corny.

[B]

If I see corn in a list, I'm like, do you know what? Whatever the fuck they're doing with this corn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like that flavor. I'm gonna choose it.

[A]

Can I get a high five on the corny? Thank you. How did we miss do it again? Because we're not real alphas.

[B]

He's slapping me again.

[A]

Oh, slap me harder.

[B]

This made me laugh for an hour straight. YouGov who poll, the people of Britain asked, would you want to visit the moon?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And this is the most British shit ever. So some of the reasons why people don't want to go to the moon. People said I would be scared or anxious. 7% me, I'm too old. 6%.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I mean, it's like, believe in yourself.

[A]

6% said, there's nothing to do. That was me last time. I was like, there's no bowling, is there? What are you gonna do?

[B]

I don't want to go to the moon because there's nothing to do but wait.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Coming in. The Most popular response, 23% said, I'm just not interested.

[A]

Oh, come on, everyone, have a bit of excitement.

[B]

Fucking British people. Do you want to go to the moon? Nah. Why not? I'm just not interested.

[A]

I'm gonna send them all to watch Interstellar. They'll cry and then they'll get it.

[B]

You cannot make them give a fuck, Phil.

[A]

Oh, my God. British people have just got a lot to do during the day. They've gotta go.

[B]

There's a soap on Tesco. Gotta let the dog out, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just don't have time for this. Just a bit tired nonsense.

[A]

Just gonna sit on the sofa.

[B]

You know what? I'm all right. Hell, yeah. It did give me that tingle of like, wow, Humanity is cool, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is rare.

[A]

Why don't we do more of that and less wars?

[B]

A lot of people.

[A]

Hot take based.

[B]

Do you know what is controversial territory? When you start talking about the NASA budget and whether we should be going to space. I mean, but here is the hot take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There is enough money on Earth to make sure that everybody has health care and childcare and food and there's no war and everything's okay.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And go to space.

[A]

If we didn't, if there were no

[B]

billionaires, we could have the food and the houses and the space.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You shouldn't look at a moon mission and go waste of money. There's more important stuff. There is more important stuff. But we shouldn't have to choose. No, that is the great lie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Go to space. When we all go. What's on Netflix? Oh, it's a fucking. Is that the moon? This looks kind of shit cool. Yeah. That's what life is all about.

[A]

That's what we need more of that. Let's sign up to the Dan and Phil utopia.

[B]

Why is it the Dan and Phil utopia?

[A]

Because we're both there and it's cool.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Football's gonna happen soon.

[B]

Wow. Why did bring me down to earth?

[A]

I know. Everyone's gonna be talking about it again. Right, lads, who are we following tonight?

[B]

Utopia and everything being great. FIFA, Am I right?

[A]

That's more taxi conversations saying, oh, I'm not really into it.

[B]

What'd you think of the game last night? And will Dan and Phil be normal, assertive and go, oh, sorry, I don't really watch football. Or will we tell a 17 and a half minute excruciating lie?

[A]

We will lie.

[B]

We watched the game and what happened? It was great. When who did what?

[A]

It was offside. The ball. We need to get into it. I think we need to get into it.

[B]

Like, I think we should just ghost for the summer. We need to go somewhere else for the whole duration of the World Cup. We need to be in a coma. Or we could just become synchronized noggin

[A]

bot super fans of the footballers themselves.

[B]

I could get you into Formula one.

[A]

I'm going to be a Stan of football. Yeah.

[B]

Do they call football stuff stands?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

What's the name for the football fandom? Fans footies.

[A]

No.

[B]

Do they have a name? Ballers.

[A]

I'm gonna have my face as Terry midfield.

[B]

Terry midfield.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And you'll be like, Terry Midfield's nose 23.

[A]

I'm gonna be Terry Midfield's left AB.

[B]

Oh, only one left AB. He has a two pack.

[A]

Well, the ABs are taken by other stands and I'm gonna go to the. I'm running out of steam with this ball con.

[B]

Yeah. You can't imagine it, can you?

[A]

No, no, we're gonna not do it again.

[B]

See, I could get you into Formula one because I was like, really? It's not about the motorsport. It's about the angsty, rich twinks.

[A]

I'm down for Leclerc. I would have his poster on my bed above the polycarbonate. On my bed.

[B]

On my bed. Phil, that's just called a body pillow.

[A]

That's what I want.

[B]

All right, That's Christmas sorted.

[A]

Yes. Dan got me a birthday presents and I can't have till Christmas.

[B]

Yeah. Because I got you too many good things. And I was like, I've overachieved. So actually I'm gonna take this box. And you're like, give me the box, give me the box. And I went, no, I'm gonna give it to you for Christmas. And Phil had a full on strike. He was like, give it to me now.

[A]

I keep seeing the box.

[B]

I kept it, it's right there. I was like, no, no, you're gonna get it.

[A]

I keep seeing the box though. I'm being edged.

[B]

Patience, Phil. Otherwise I'll give it to her. Keith.

[A]

Oh fuck, Keith.

[B]

You did.

[A]

Here's the thing. Bare beating on BA Excuse yourself in flight. WiFi on international flights has people concerned that loud phones are now going to become the norm.

[B]

Yeah, that means like blaring things out of the speakers. Sorry. If you tell a gay person that there's been bare beating on B.A. i'm like, I've seen that it is antisocial to play stuff out loud on your phone a flight. You are trapped next to someone. Your auntie playing Candy Crush on full volume. I think I would get overstimulated and open the door.

[A]

I feel like this is a non story because the rule is just be quiet and respectful.

[B]

Oh, and you think that people in 2026 are quiet and respectful?

[A]

I think they should not allow FaceTime headphones mandatory.

[B]

Yeah, but otherwise you have to get locked in the toilet.

[A]

But I don't want to hear someone's business meeting while I'm on the plane. You know what I mean?

[B]

Unless it's juicy. And Deborah has just slept with the person behind the desk.

[A]

Oh, I like that. Yeah. Tell me more about that Deborah. Well, who did she sleep with? Keith. Our Keith?

[B]

I'm sorry, Phil. This is time to find out.

[A]

He's part of our unit. Banana extravaganza Tesco in Oligop. Have exactly. Dan. No. Have ordered 38,000 bananas by accident.

[B]

If you don't know, the Orkney Islands only have about 15,000 people living there. So they ordered twice as many bananas as there are people. How the fuck do you do that? Someone just sat behind the keyboard. Oops. I'm gonna do three or maybe four, maybe five zeros.

[A]

Everyone gets a free banana. You get a banana, you get a banana.

[B]

You get two polycule, you'll have the rest.

[A]

You get three at the same time. And now they're all full of potassium.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Are you full of potassium?

[B]

Probably not enough.

[A]

Dan doesn't eat bananas that often.

[B]

Is that weird? Sorry, I don't choose to have bananas. Loads. It's not my snack of choice.

[A]

I don't like the mushy tip. That's my main issue with them. Rejoice. Jonathan Lives reports that the world's oldest tortoise died. Turned out to be a hoax.

[B]

Some person on Twitter was like, yes, I am the vet that looks after the world's oldest tortoise. And he's dead and this is a really hard time for my family, so please send crypto in his memory. The whole thing turned out to be a crypto hoax.

[A]

A tortoise based crypto scam.

[B]

What? Okay, I'm sorry. If you want to have a successful crypto scam, yeah, why the fuck do you pick? I am the vet that looks after the world's oldest tortoise.

[A]

I don't know what the hell does

[B]

that have to do with anything? And why do you need bitcoin?

[A]

I mean, you're need a big coffin for that tortoise, I guess.

[B]

Big square box.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And that's everything in the news this week.

[B]

If you've got spring fever, Lowe's has the cure during Spring Fest. Make your landscape stand out with three free bags of Miracle Gro. 3/4 cubic foot garden soil when you buy three plus get up to 40% off. Select major appliances to keep clothes, food and dishes fresh all season long. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Follow through 422 while supplies last. Select varies by location. Seeloes.com for details. Soil offer excludes Alaska and Hawaii.

[A]

I think it's time we hear from some lovely other voices.

[B]

Speaking of space mission, it's time to see what you're launching.

[A]

Whoa, hardly nice.

[B]

Into this podcast go.

[A]

Hello, my name is Luisa and I'm from Monterrey, Mexico. I'm hard launching that. I don't care if passcode should be changed for safety reasons. My passcode since 2016 has been 7426.

[B]

Yes, it spells P H A N. Oh my God.

[A]

Oh my gosh. Muscle memory. And I can't be bothered to come

[B]

up with a new one.

[A]

Someone in your life knows your passcode now.

[B]

You are aware that many people listen to this podcast?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, I'm actually going to say something.

[A]

What?

[B]

I reckon there's at least five digit people watching or listening to this right now that made Phan their phone lock or their bank account pin code many years ago. What did we do because of muscle memory? Haven't Changed it. This is your sign to change it.

[A]

Change your passcode.

[B]

Crypto hoax person is listening right now. If you want the easiest scam ever, target Dan and Phil fans and just try ph A. M. Yeah, change it now.

[A]

I always get a bit confused when you see someone with one of those phones where they go. Yeah, if you're listening, I just did a thing with my finger.

[B]

Oh, he did that. You know, the thing where you draw the.

[A]

How do you remember?

[B]

How do you remember?

[A]

Ziggy Zaggy?

[B]

Next.

[A]

Hi, Dan and Phil.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

This is Lindsay from Michigan. Hi. And I would like to hard launch the idea that survival cannibalism is okay. If I should ever find myself in a disaster situation with my loved ones and I die early on, which is very likely, I want them to eat me so that they can keep living. That's fine. I mean, if you're in a disaster situation, all the rules go away, do they, Phil?

[B]

Okay. Wow. Writers of Yellowjackets would like to speak to you.

[A]

Not all the rules, but I just mean I would happily eat you if it would mean staying alive.

[B]

Motherfucker. You're dying first.

[A]

Why, Phil?

[B]

Go hunt. Or actually just stay in the hut by yourself. You're gonna die either way.

[A]

You're gonna get mauled by the hog.

[B]

The hog?

[A]

Yeah. When you go.

[B]

Keith's hog.

[A]

Yes. When you go and try and get food, I'm gonna kill you and Keith.

[B]

You are going to kill both of us.

[A]

I'm gonna eat.

[B]

That's not survival cannibalism. That's murder cannibalism.

[A]

I'm gonna eat you after you perish is what I'm saying.

[B]

I agree fully that in a situation like this there should be no stigma. No, if someone is dead, then just stay alive. It's what they would want.

[A]

I saw an AsapSCIENCE video, though, that if you do eat human flesh, you get prions.

[B]

You can get a bit of prion y, but it's either that or starve. So I say all for it. And now we've taken a lot of tension out of these things.

[A]

We have.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yellowjackets. Did they eat people? On the Hard Launch podcast, we say we don't care. Fucking eat them.

[A]

If you're gonna eat them, make sure you go, make sure they're well seasoned.

[B]

I thought you were gonna say, like, cooked, so there's no bacteria. Feels like. Sprinkle some salt.

[A]

I'm just gonna say if there's an experience of eating a person, we should.

[B]

Then you'd want it to be Nice.

[A]

You want it to taste good.

[B]

I love that we went from. This is a bold conversation, and we're agreeing with you. Yeah, you actually found the way to make it weird.

[A]

I ruined it.

[B]

Well done, Phil.

[A]

It's sad if you. If people have to eat each other. Next. Hiya, Dan. Phil.

[B]

I'm watching this week's hard lunch, and I'm eating my jacketeer doing a meal.

[A]

Bit of cheese, bit of lettuce. Mmm.

[B]

Hard launching.

[A]

That jacket tear is the best meal ever. Oh, respect. And do you agree?

[B]

Do you think any Americans knew what they just heard?

[A]

Yeah, it's a challenge.

[B]

What's toters?

[A]

Eh? We're talking about a jacket potato.

[B]

Jacket potato filled with stuff.

[A]

Personally, it's too squashy for me.

[B]

Phil, you don't like jacket potatoes or mayo or tuna or beans, so you mix together, mix a360, that person's hard launching. You're saying.

[A]

No, I'm hard squashing that one. I'm standing on your potato and smiling.

[B]

This is a zero shame environment. Apart from when you mentioned jack of potatoes to Phil, and it's just a bad texture.

[A]

Do you want a tuna cheesy bean potato?

[B]

I like a jacket potato.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There's lots of things that I don't get to enjoy in my life because of you, and that's one of them.

[A]

Whoa. I hope your potato sprouts. Next. Hi, Dan and Phil.

[B]

I'm Kirsten.

[A]

And I'm Andrea. We bought it over you guys on our first date. And as of yesterday, I asked Kirsten

[B]

to be my girlfriend. And I'm Davis, Andrea's straight boyfriend.

[A]

And we are hard launching our throuple. Oh, that was such a plot twist.

[B]

Okay, wait.

[A]

And I'm David.

[B]

Sorry, I know we're meant to be. Like, I'm happy for you. And I'm David with the steel chair out of the ladder.

[A]

I love such a surprise.

[B]

And I'm David.

[A]

And I'm David.

[B]

Was he coerced into doing that?

[A]

I think he's happy with his fresh new partners. Have a good time, David.

[B]

I'm sorry, I need to add and I'm David to the soundboard immediately. Whatever left hanging, I'm just gonna fill the void with And I'm Davis.

[A]

Like, we filled the void with Keith Richard.

[B]

Can we Richard this late into the. Yes, we can. Yeah. We're not ending the episode.

[A]

We're filling your void. We're being way too much today. This is gonna be a speed Richard.

[B]

A spitchard.

[A]

Go. Rock, paper, scissors.

[B]

Yeah, let's rock, paper, scissors. Behind Richard.

[A]

All right, fine.

[B]

Let's rock, paper, scissors. Okay. No. Yeah, let's go.

[A]

I'm going.

[B]

Crank it. Thank you for your service, Mistress of the silver trolley.

[A]

Yes, it's a yellow ball.

[B]

See? That is yellow. A soft crunch today.

[A]

Mmm.

[B]

And litopique wasps. Oh, apparently they're important for the environment.

[A]

How?

[B]

Like the ecosystem. They, like, pollinate things and eat stuff.

[A]

When I become God, I'm killing all wasps and mosquitoes.

[B]

Firstly, the when. Secondly, what about their place in the food chain?

[A]

We'll eat something else. There's loads of bugs and not all of them have a big danger thing on their ass.

[B]

You have a danger thing on your ass. Oh, look, they're not good vibes, are they?

[A]

No, no, they are angry vibes. Bees, cuddly, lovely. Pollinate me. Wasps can get into hell.

[B]

Make them buzz off. It was right there, Phil.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nothing is really quite as upsetting as if you're, like, sitting in the park and then you're chilling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the wasp comes and it doesn't leave you alone and it's like, can I not enjoy my life?

[A]

I hate that.

[B]

We have been doing stuff all week. When the wasp comes, I've my guard down. How do wasps have sex? You got me thinking about that now.

[A]

I don't know, but a wasp loves a theme park.

[B]

And they fucking love a sticky bin, don't they?

[A]

They do. They just wanna, oh, you're in the

[B]

queue for Colossus at Thorpe Park. Get fucking wrecked. You're gonna be next to this wasp bin for two hours and then everyone's gonna be screaming. You got a friend group that gets a bit wasp screamy. One of you sets off and then it's like a chain reaction.

[A]

Yeah. Did you get stung by a wasp?

[B]

I think at least once, yeah.

[A]

Someone at school once got stung in their eyeball.

[B]

What?

[A]

It was really horrible.

[B]

What were they doing? Hello, wasp. Can I get a better look?

[A]

Maybe every fig contains a dead wasp.

[B]

That is not true.

[A]

It is. That's a no. It is true.

[B]

We need to fact check that right now.

[A]

Every fig.

[B]

Male PODCAST moment.

[A]

Many figs. Many figs. More figs than not. They just put me off figs.

[B]

Were you really a fig person?

[A]

Anyway, I think it's rare to be like, I'm just gonna grab a fig off the shelf and nom on that.

[B]

You had fig in a broccoli salad yesterday.

[A]

Yeah, I ate like 10 wasps.

[B]

Look, some people were put on this world to crawl into figs and die and wave their sharp asses at you. And maybe that's valid.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Or maybe Phil should become God and kill you.

[A]

They're all dead now. If you want more hard lore, we're

[B]

not gonna make it to the moon landing, are we?

[A]

No. Come watch us on Patreon. We're gonna have a great time. It's on patreon.com Dan and Phil.

[B]

I'm gonna try to take off my shirt and get a neck cramp again.

[A]

Don't do that. Apparently, the noise was haunting.

[B]

Look at me.

[A]

And I've decided Dan needs his own segment, which we're gonna be.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna be kicking that off on Patreon.

[B]

Do I need a segment?

[A]

So come support the chan. Support the pod. Have a lovely time. If I.

[B]

Thank you. See you over there.

[A]

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