Our first pride as a collaboratively gay duo

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode Summary: "Our First Pride as a Collaboratively Gay Duo"

Release Date: June 1, 2026

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Overview

In this vibrant, irreverent, and heartwarming episode, Dan and Phil celebrate their first Pride Month as a “collaboratively gay duo” on the podcast. Wearing their “prideiest things” and fully leaning into their cheeky brand of LGBTQ+ banter, they reminisce on coming out, their awkward first Pride experiences, historical progress (and current setbacks) of LGBTQ+ rights, and the funny/weird/awkward parts of queer life. Mixed with candid personal stories, sharp cultural commentary, and a flurry of listener submissions, this episode is a rollercoaster of both serious discussion and classically absurd “Dan and Phil” humor.

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Pride Month: Kicking Off in Style

• 00:01 – 01:57:
  • Dan and Phil open with their trademark absurdity, cheerfully welcoming listeners to “gay month” and riffing on the “only month you are allowed to be gay” (June).
  • They describe their Pride outfits: Dan in a 2019 skeleton costume bedazzled with sequins (“It is actively disintegrating!” – Dan, 01:04); Phil in bright corporate pride Adidas gear (“I am a rainbow” – Phil, 02:10).
  • Banter ensues about leaving trails of sequins at parties and Pride attire that “should be in a museum.”

Early Pride Experiences and Queerness in Youth

• 03:13 – 07:03:

  • Dan recalls his first Pride after coming out in 2019 as “an optimistic peak in the graph of my life” (03:40), and how the pandemic immediately thereafter led to more insularity.
  • Both discuss their codependency and how Pride once felt less celebratory and more like “a giant outing spotlight” (06:39) when closeted.
  • Notable quote:
    • “We’re here, we’re queer, we’re filled with existential fear.” – Dan (03:20)

• 05:49 – 06:03:

  • Dan’s mother attended a local Pride “to celebrate me… wrapped the dog in a flag. That was a really cute solidarity moment.” (05:00)

First Gay Bars: Awkward Beginnings

• 07:06 – 08:03:
  • Dan: First “gay bar” was actually just a pub “with a flag… normie overtones, undertones of flag.” (05:24–05:36)
    • Story of friend outing him by having someone flirt with him as a joke. “Psychological warfare… would’ve, but didn’t.” (05:53–05:58)
  • Phil: First experience at a university Chinese restaurant that became a gay bar at night—“eat prawn crackers and be gay” (07:17), with “low key” disco lights and coded queerness.
  • Both reflect on missing out on open queer experiences at school due to the times.

Generational Change, the Internet, and Coming Out Online

• 08:15 – 10:15:
  • They marvel at how different things are now—“loads of gay people at school; less of a thing”—compared to feeling that being out was impossible as teens.
  • Dan reminisces: “Thank god we had the freaky freedom of the internet… especially MySpace era… a celebration of gayness.” (09:16–09:26)
    • The early 2000s/emo community: “boys kissing boys for popularity… 100% emo bi-baiting” (09:42), “myspace—more like gay space” (09:57).
  • Bemoan not getting the “Netflix gay teen life” but acknowledge progress since their youth, noting shows like “Heartstopper” (10:15–10:24).

Politics, Progress, and Regression

• 10:29 – 13:20:
  • Phil: “When I was born, being gay was still classified as a mental illness… Margaret Thatcher” (10:29–10:33).
  • Rapid progress discussed—followed by new waves of anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment, especially targeting trans people (“UK is literally turf island” – 10:38).
  • Dan explains: “Because of the British Empire a lot of homophobic laws were exported globally. We are the bad guys.” (10:48–11:00)
  • They look at a world map of LGBTQ+ rights, reflecting on privilege and the reality in countries where “you can’t even speak about your sexuality legally.” (11:42–11:48)
    • “We have a responsibility to be as gay and annoying as possible” – Dan (12:04)
    • Shoutout to Spain as Europe’s most LGBTQ-friendly country; frustration with the UK’s failure to protect trans rights (12:12–12:28).
    • Strong condemnation of anti-trans bathroom legislation:
      • “Are you female enough to be in this bathroom? It just makes it more dangerous for everyone.” (12:39–12:54)
    • Both stress the need for allies:
      • “You’re the good ones. You’re the ones we needed when we were teenagers.” – Dan (13:56)

Lightening the Mood: Aardvarks, Heat Waves, and Summer Complaints

• 14:20 – 21:22:
  • Dan abruptly pivots to “important” non-queer topics: animal noises, specifically baby aardvarks and how Arthur the Aardvark “did not look like that!” (15:12).
  • Jokes about Phil’s resemblance to a baby aardvark: “Pale and creepy. Long appendages.” (15:19)
• Discuss London heatwave; both suffer, but enjoy rare air conditioning (“rare-con”).
• Classic cross-Atlantic banter about British vs. American heat, British homes (“Victorian ass brick shacks”—Dan, 19:02), and enduring the UK’s “different” humidity.
• Tangents on coping strategies: frozen eye masks, water bottles between the thighs, suspicious “bed-cooling” gadgets and the data privacy concerns (“they can listen to you fucking”—Dan, 21:45).

Listener Submissions: Hard Launches, Limitations, and Menstruation

• 26:51 – 30:22:

  • Lauren (Hampshire): Cools off by working with her laptop in the mortuary at the funeral home.
    • “Chilling with someone’s grandma.” (27:08)
    • “Eco-friendly. Don’t chill another room when there’s a perfectly cold room right there!” – Dan (27:19)
  • Eleanor (Edinburgh): Complains about the financial burden of endless engagements, weddings, etc.
    • “I am buying gifts and outfits, I’m paying for travel, and none of it is for me!” (28:02)
    • Advice: “If you can’t financially afford it, you shouldn’t be forced to go.” (28:42)
  • Sonya & Leah: Express hatred for the lava lamp’s “goopy, clot-colored lava” as an affront to people with uteri—sparking bemused reactions from Dan and Phil (“As gay men, we don’t know what the fuck that is” – 29:29). Phil: “Let’s reframe it. It’s joy juice.” (30:14)

• Miscellaneous:

  • Pigeon coos disrupt the call-in segment: “That’s my son. He’s a pigeon.” – Listener (30:50), Dan: “The pigeon actually said trans rights!” (31:11)

Memorable/Miscellaneous Quotes and Moments

• “You’re queerbaiting for all of these years. Oh, we’re not getting into that.” – Dan (02:26)
• “Kiss your they-friend. And it’s not gay. Unless you want it to be.” – Phil & Dan riff (03:02)
• “Do you remember your first gay bar reading?” – Phil (05:19)
• “It was a pub with a flag.” – Dan (05:24)
• “Thank god for the freaky freedom of the Internet.” – Dan (09:16)
• “We have a responsibility to be as gay and annoying as possible.” – Dan (12:04)

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Timestamps: Key Segments

• 00:01 – Episode opens: Pride outfits, opening jokes.
• 03:13 – Dan’s first Pride, queerness before coming out.
• 05:49 – Dan’s mother goes to Reading Pride.
• 07:06 – Dan and Phil’s first gay bars.
• 09:16 – The internet/MySpace and being queer online as teens.
• 10:29 – Political history, the UK as “turf island,” trans rights.
• 11:42 – Global map of LGBTQ+ rights.
• 12:42 – UK’s current status, lack of trans protections.
• 14:20 – Aardvark tangent, baby animal noises.
• 15:38 – Comparing British/American heat; air conditioning woes.
• 21:00 – Privacy rant about AI smartbeds recording bedroom sounds.
• 26:51 – Listener calls: cooling in the mortuary, outrage at event costs, lava lamp drama.
• 30:50 – Pigeon call (“trans rights!”).
• 31:24 – Am I Gay Test preview for Patreon.

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Tone & Language

• Sassy, flippant, and self-deprecating; combines humor and vulnerability.
• Candid, occasionally earnest (especially when discussing coming out or allyship).
• Frequent quick-jump witticisms, playful insults, and surreal banter.

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Final Takeaway

The episode is a perfect encapsulation of “HARD LAUNCH”—radically open, silly, but also thoughtful and sharp on queer realities. Dan and Phil provide both catharsis and comedy, championing queer visibility and allyship while embracing all the weird, awkward, and joyful parts of living loudly, looking back, and growing up.

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Transcript

[A]

3, 2, 1. Hard Monday. And Happy pride from Dan and Feild. It's gay month.

[B]

The wenger bus is gay and everyone is gay.

[A]

I don't want to know who's coming in the back of that bus, but it is a mess.

[B]

It's definitely gay.

[A]

The one month of the year where you are allowed to be gay.

[B]

June.

[A]

I'm born in June. That makes sense, Phil. Born in January. One of the most homophobic months.

[B]

No, January's pretty gay as well.

[A]

Gay people aren't doing anything with their nips out in January.

[B]

New Year's Eve. Everyone celebrates by doing something gay with the office party.

[A]

That's what they say.

[B]

As it crosses over into midnight, all

[A]

the tension builds up in the office with your co workers and you have to do something gay at New Year's.

[B]

I would say January is almost as gay as June.

[A]

We're gonna let him have this because he's very sensitive and we need him to be on board for the rest of the episode.

[B]

But it's our first hard launch Pride. And we are dressed in our prideiest things.

[A]

In case anyone's just listening, I am wearing my 2019 Pride outfit, which is a skeleton costume that I hot glued a bunch of sequins to.

[B]

It's seen better days as it is.

[A]

It is actively disintegrating.

[B]

It's falling apart.

[A]

Every time I move, I just shit a dozen sequins everywhere.

[B]

Well, that's something gay, isn't it? You've just left a trail of glitter. Shit.

[A]

Sequins.

[B]

Yeah. You've left a trail of glitter everywhere.

[A]

Guys, I don't know what you got up to, but if you're shitting sequins, you went too hard on Friday night.

[B]

Yeah, you did. It is a piece of art, though.

[A]

It should be in a museum.

[B]

It should be.

[A]

Do you remember when that Museum of Gay British History opened in King's Cross?

[B]

No.

[A]

I was like, you should film. You were invited to the opening.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Very few of these. Globally.

[B]

I loved it.

[A]

We should support the only fucking gay museum.

[B]

I remember it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I had a great time.

[A]

Well, I was like, they need this piece.

[B]

They need it.

[A]

And then I thought, well, actually, unlike the Elton John tour pieces that they have, this does just look like a $3.99 skeleton Halloween costume with some actively dripping sequins.

[B]

I couldn't beat this outfit. I'm just wearing corporate pride. Oh, look at me. I'm in my brightest pride Adidas.

[A]

There's no green.

[B]

It's just rainbow green and purple on the Back lady.

[A]

Has it actually got all the colors?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I really do not like. Oh. Oh, he's spinning around. Oh, my God. Okay, well, for everyone on Spotify, in the weirdest way possible, Phil just.

[B]

I am a rainbow.

[A]

Got off the chair and popped a little sassy squat. Like he's doing a dance. Could you do that?

[B]

What?

[A]

Duck walk. I don't want to see you do that, Phil.

[B]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

Are you gay?

[B]

No.

[A]

Are you gay?

[B]

I'm just an imposter. And I just want to hang out with you.

[A]

You just want attention, aren't you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're queerbaiting for all of these years. Oh, we're not getting into that. Oh, Phil.

[B]

Hot takes queerbaiting.

[A]

Yeah, go on, dive right in.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Head first into the discourse.

[B]

I don't feel like gay people can queerbait in the real world.

[A]

No, that's just baiting.

[B]

You're just bro.

[A]

You can't do that in the real world. That's a crime.

[B]

Homo. Ing with your bro Mo.

[A]

That's what we did inside.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Celebrities in pop culture, they can express their masculinity however they want without it being queerbaiting. Some of them can just be tasteless men. Yeah. Innocent men.

[B]

And you can kiss your male friend without being gay. Just try it out. Or your female friend. Or your they friend.

[A]

Kiss your they friend. And it's not gay.

[B]

No. Unless you want it to be.

[A]

Yeah, we do that all the time. Not in a gay way.

[B]

With each other. Eugh.

[A]

Podcast cancelled.

[B]

You wore this on your first ever Pride out as a gay.

[A]

The year was 2019. Basically, I'm gay. Dan Howell said 45 minutes later, we're

[B]

here, we're queer, we're filled with existential fear. You marched that march.

[A]

I did. I went outside.

[B]

I didn't go because I was a bit scared.

[A]

Going outside is a rough gig for Dan and Phil in general.

[B]

It is lots and lots of people all knowing who you are. Crowds.

[A]

I saw members of my own audience.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

Holding Dan Howell themed signs at London Pride.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

It was such, like an optimistic peak in the graph of my life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then that thing that happened globally next year.

[B]

The thing.

[A]

Yeah. Covid Phil. Have you forgotten?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. Jesus fucking Christ. I really try to not actively form memories when I'm not having a fun time.

[B]

I mean, who wants to remember? Let's just let it.

[A]

So true. It never happened. It never happened.

[B]

Gloss over her.

[A]

Exactly. I definitely did not celebrate my 30th birthday while inside by myself. So I'm still 29.

[B]

By yourself. Hello.

[A]

Phil was also there. We're so codependent that I don't even remember Phil being there during a lockdown.

[B]

You just see me as like an aspect of you and then you're not in the same room as me when we're together.

[A]

Yeah. You might just be a figment of my imagination. And this whole thing is a very tragic episode of an HBO true crime show.

[B]

I'm a pretty cool figurement though. If you gotta pick one.

[A]

I mean, using the limitless power of my imagination. And I make you. That's the real.

[B]

Give me some wings. Give me an extra appendage. No, thank you. I want two.

[A]

Two appendages. What would you choose? Yeah.

[B]

Two tails.

[A]

Two naughty little tails.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Alright. Tails.

[B]

One for each mood. A spin and a droop. Oh.

[A]

I remember my mum, unprompted, went to Reading Pride just because she felt like she wanted to do something to celebrate me. Coming out dramatically via email with the

[B]

gay dog as well.

[A]

With the gay dog. Wrapped the dog in a flag.

[B]

That was a really cute solidarity moment.

[A]

I appreciated that.

[B]

Moments after coming out, they were like, we're at Pride.

[A]

Performative. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Feels like, don't even joke about that. Don't know I am allowed to joke about that.

[B]

Everything's a joke.

[A]

It's a comedy podcast. My traumatic homophobic childhood was fine.

[B]

Do you remember your first gay bar reading?

[A]

Ooh, yeah.

[B]

What's it called?

[A]

As teenagers. Don't even remember. It's like a pub. So it wasn't a gay bar. It was like a pub with a flag. Do you know what I mean? So still had like normie overtones.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Undertones of flag.

[B]

Yes. Did you feel like, oh my God, I'm secretly gay and this is awkward.

[A]

It was so terrifying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause one of our friends came out as gay because we were like, let's all go to support him. I had a girlfriend at the time.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

This friend knew that I was gay. He told one of his friends to flirt with me at the bar. Cause he thought it would be funny.

[B]

Oh, no, that's not fair.

[A]

Psychological warfare.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Low key. I fucking would have.

[B]

Would you?

[A]

Yeah. But I didn't. Obviously. It was like very, very difficult, upsetting time.

[B]

Is that why you want to go back to this house party?

[A]

I'm trying to find the guy that I left at a bar. Yeah. If you don't know, I'm going to a Dan High school reunion housewarming party where I hope to remember the tertiary guy at a gay bar from 15 years ago.

[B]

They're all gonna look old. We don't look old because we don't

[A]

go outside because God loves us.

[B]

But, you know, some of my school friends now look like men. It's really weird.

[A]

Don't roast them, you old ugly fuck.

[B]

I just say they're ugly.

[A]

That's literally what you said, Phil. That is literally what you just said.

[B]

I just said they like men. You know what I mean?

[A]

And men. Fucking disgusting men. Who's attracted to men? Not us.

[B]

We're just normal men.

[A]

I felt terrified. Yes. For so many years. Pride to me was terrifying because it just felt like, oh, my God. This celebration of the queer community is gonna cast a giant outing spotlight on me, and I'm not ready to talk about that yet.

[B]

Like Batman's light.

[A]

Exactly. Giant Batman spotlight threatening to out. Teenage Dan just trying to live nonchalantly.

[B]

Yeah. Just beaming out of his gay hol.

[A]

Sad. I wish I could have, you know, enjoyed that rainbow light.

[B]

That is sad, though, that you couldn't have that light.

[A]

Wait, where was your first gay bar?

[B]

My first gay bar? I talked about this. My university had a Chinese restaurant called the Willow and it turned into a nightclub afterwards where you could drink and eat prawn crackers and be gay.

[A]

Wait, wait, your first gay bar experience was the Chinese restaurant that turned into a gay bar?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's fucking iconic.

[B]

Well, it was iconic, but I wasn't like fully gaying it up all over the university. I was still quite a low key gay.

[A]

How do you transition from Chinese restaurant to gay bar?

[B]

They just changed the lights and put some disco lights on.

[C]

Aw.

[A]

A little disco light. And was there like a giant flag or was it just the people that turn up, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, you know, where it's all the York based?

[B]

It was quite low key.

[A]

Yeah. DL.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that part of the thrill there? You were in York University a little bit with your long hair, looking like a weird caveman.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Being low key gay on the side.

[B]

I had good emo hair for one year of York and that's when I got more action than the other years.

[A]

Did it really fucking dry up when

[B]

you had that long hair? Yeah, the long hair really ruined my riz. You wish I had it back.

[A]

Oh, I don't think I'd have dmed you if you still had that thing.

[B]

No, that was bad. I do feel like I've missed out on, like, the going to school, growing up experience of being around people that might know I was gay, though, if you know what I mean.

[A]

It could have been better. It could have been better if we waited 10 years.

[B]

Nobody at my school was gay out. So you hear for people now, they'll be like, oh, yeah, there's loads of gay people at my school, and it's less of a thing.

[A]

I cannot fucking imagine there being a single gay at my school. No.

[B]

And there was loads like, oh, my God, these two guys kissed when I was in college. And that was like a huge scandal. Everyone was like, what? And loads of people were like, ugh. And in my head, I was like, well, you wish I could be like,

[A]

I want to go to that party.

[B]

Yes. And I tried to, like, chat to this guy Ewan. Then I was like, I want to get to know him.

[A]

Fucking out him.

[B]

If there's rumors.

[A]

What's up, Ewan? Are you watching the male podcast? Heels open.

[B]

But here's the thing.

[A]

No, not the news, not the news. Just the gay thing. We're still talking about Pride.

[B]

This ruined their friendship because they were best friends. And then they had this huge argument blowout next to the pool tent because there was a rumor that one of them had done something gay to the other one.

[A]

This does sound incredibly homoerotic.

[B]

It was quite homoerotic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then they stopped being friends because of all the rumors.

[A]

That's so fucking tragic. Imagine if we met one while we were at school. We might have just been like, no, in the closet. We need to hide it.

[B]

Yeah, no homo.

[A]

Thank God we had the freaky freedom of the Internet.

[B]

Yes. And I think that's where we were saved, because the Internet, especially MySpace era, was such a celebration of gayness, as

[A]

people know watching this. When you got your own little social media, if you're running your Tumblr, you got your own Twitter account. You can express your identity however you want and hope that your mom doesn't see it.

[B]

And there was a little bit of kind of boys kissing boys in the emo community just to get popular, even if they didn't really like boys.

[A]

But that whole ride, the wave of emo bi baiting, I feel like 100%.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They're doing it to get the girls. Psych. I'm doing it for you, Trent.

[B]

Trent. I feel like that community was such a nice space to be like, wow, I can try out being myself.

[A]

MySpace. More like nice gay space.

[B]

Gay space. I'm gonna list myself as bisexual and see if I get a dm.

[A]

Yeah. I really wish that I Lived like a Netflix gay teen life. That was fine and fun. Yes, it was. Not at all whatsoever.

[B]

No.

[A]

But it's better now. Better, Better. I think now in the world of Heartstopper, heated rivalry, it's like, oh, at least we live in a world where there's allowed to be shows.

[B]

There's gay TV shows. You can kiss their sex on tv.

[A]

You can find your own communities out there.

[B]

When I was born, being gay was still classified as a mental illness.

[A]

That's Margaret Thatcher.

[B]

Yes. So I think we've come a long way since that, but things are still terrible.

[A]

Oh, no. The UK is literally turf island.

[B]

Yes. And especially for trans people at the moment, it does feel like we've gone into a kind of dark ages reverse of everything that was going well.

[A]

Which is so annoying because, like, the irony is, even if the UK is okay for us right now, it's because of the British Empire that a lot of the homophobic laws were exported globally.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Thanks, uk.

[A]

We are the bad guys. Oh, load up the game app. There you go.

[B]

What is this map? Describe it for the Spotify listeners.

[A]

Map of the world. A lot of the Western countries are blue. A lot of the other ones are yellow. Blue means that it is legal to be homosexual.

[B]

Yes. Are we saying good? Really, T? I think we go maybe. No. Really?

[A]

Look at the USA and the UK there.

[B]

Good okay. To bad.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think this is literally like, are you allowed to be gay without it being illegal?

[B]

What's the green? Let's move there.

[A]

I don't actually know. That's better. I think that that's middle ground.

[B]

Oh, is that mid?

[A]

But I think that does put it in perspective that, you know, even where we are, we should be grateful that it isn't illegal.

[B]

Yes. There'll be people listening or watching this that can't even speak about their sexualities legally in their countries.

[A]

We are friends, Dan and Phil. We're with you wherever you are in the world. We appreciate that we have a privilege to be as obnoxiously loud and gay as we are on this podcast.

[B]

Yeah. And I think we're just continually gonna be as gay as possible. Just to kind put that out into the universe.

[A]

We have a responsibility.

[B]

We do.

[A]

To be as gay and annoying as possible.

[B]

Let's keep doing it.

[A]

Shout out to Spain, though. Open the gay Europe map.

[B]

What's the gay Europe map?

[A]

Here we go, Phil. So shout out to Spain. Best LGBTQ country right now.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

Suck it, Malta. I mean, okay, Malta. Also, credit for also being good UK yellow. Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Oh, we're blue.

[A]

Everything's blue on the world. No. 22nd.

[B]

We are one of the worst shout

[A]

out to our Equality and Human Rights Court for saying that trans people. People are not allowed to use the bathroom.

[B]

I mean, wow.

[A]

You fucking morons.

[B]

That's the stupidest thing ever.

[A]

It is literally the stupidest thing ever. It means that women that don't conform to the most basic. Hey, I've got long hair and loads of makeup and big visible boobs. People can be like, are you female enough to be in this bathroom?

[B]

It just makes it more dangerous for everyone.

[A]

It makes no sense.

[B]

It makes no sense.

[A]

It's so fucking stupid.

[B]

And now businesses are going to have to be like, I guess everything's gender neutral. So that reverses the point they were even trying to complain about anyway, but.

[A]

But something to look forward to.

[B]

What?

[A]

When the people that pass these laws die, there will be lots of new gender neutral toilets.

[B]

Oh, my God, Dan.

[A]

Around the world.

[B]

So, in summary, we love everyone on this podcast. No, we don't. Oh, my God. Except for transphobes.

[A]

No, no, no, we're keeping that. Phil was like, did that come across in articulation?

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

The people that made the flag, the people that are currently passing laws in

[B]

the uk, we don't like them.

[A]

The people from high school, apart from the ones that had the homoerotic fight over the pool table, we hope they're also.

[B]

My friends were pretty cool. I kissed loads of boys.

[A]

And the Chinese restaurant owners based in York back in the day.

[B]

You were trailblazers.

[A]

And we just want to say thank you to everyone listening, whether you're queer or, hey, if you are a straight person, sat listening with your husband right now. Thank you. Thank you for being an ally.

[B]

Yeah, I think we need more allies out there.

[A]

We need more of you. You're the good ones. You're the ones that we needed when we were teenagers. When we were a teenager.

[B]

When we were a teenager.

[A]

Is that how toxic, codependent we are?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But anyway, we appreciate you. Thank you.

[B]

Thank you. That was very wholesome.

[A]

Yeah, that was nice. Can I turn off the lights now?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Here's the thing. Yeah, that's right. I'm changing the subject. I wanted to get out of that one. Right, Phil, it's not all about the fucking queers. What's the important stuff happening in the world that everyone can relate to?

[B]

And I say, What a wonderful kind of day. What was that?

[A]

You're about to fucking find out.

[B]

This is the noise a baby aardvark makes.

[A]

Roll the tapes. Oh, kinda.

[B]

Oh. Oh.

[A]

Adorable, godless creature.

[B]

It sounds like a broken door. Need some oil.

[A]

I love my baby.

[B]

Get some WD40 on the Aardvark that

[A]

is not coming on my ark.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Noah, can I just say, Arthur did not look like that.

[B]

No.

[A]

What the fuck were they doing? For the listeners, a baby aardvark looks kind of like Phil.

[B]

What?

[A]

Pale and creepy. Long appendages.

[B]

The long nose really starts early.

[A]

The snout.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Don't worry, babe. You're gonna have a whole glow up and your scales are gonna come in.

[B]

Are you talking to me or the aardvark?

[A]

Phil, babe, your scales are gonna come in one day and you'll stop looking so ugly and terrifying.

[B]

Yeah, babe. No, Arthur did not look like that. You're right.

[A]

Do you reckon they did a test version where they gave Arthur a giant aardvark snout and everyone went, this is absolutely fucking terrifying.

[B]

He's bashing it against Mr. Ratburn. What's going on?

[A]

It looks like an eldritch abomination with this schlong schnozz swinging from left to right.

[B]

Too many. Schw.

[A]

Terrified.

[B]

I'm scared.

[A]

Chop it off. Oh, look, he's perfectly round. Yeah. Aardvark.

[B]

Now that feels like aardvark slander. They can't help their schnozzes.

[A]

Aardvark pride fighting.

[B]

Depression is hot. Literally.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Doctors issue a summer PSA that people taking antidepressants may struggle with heat.

[A]

Yes. Oh, my God, guys. Managing your mental health. So fucking hot.

[B]

It is so hot. Interfering with the hypothalamus sweating and low sodium.

[A]

No, they were meant to be commas there, Phil. It interferes with the hypothalamus. It makes you sweat and can contribute to your sodium reaction.

[B]

Give me some commas, Dan, or I won't read it. Right.

[A]

Engage in your own fucking research.

[B]

I thought that's the point. I'm learning. That's why it's funny.

[A]

Wow. He has a degree in the English language.

[B]

I used to do the research, but then we thought it was funnier if I don't know the story.

[A]

Surprising film with headlines is funnier. So, yeah, I'm not, you know, stereotyping the audience this podcast.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But stay cool out there.

[B]

Crikey. Who tossed my salad? Australian. Reece. Smoker found a live frog in his lettuce bag.

[A]

Yes. Wait, let's play the video. It's quite cute.

[B]

He was just chilling in the bag. I think he was having A hell of a time, really. But yeah, lucky the bag had a few holes in it and he had plenty of pastures to graze on, so. Yeah, no, he's enjoying it. That's like a cartoon tree frog in their salad bag.

[A]

Paid actor.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Stock photo of a frog. Beautiful frog model.

[B]

Good news is they named it Greg and drove to a pond while playing crazy frog and released it.

[A]

Hit it with the bing, bing, bing, bing with its little crazy frog dick and balls.

[B]

Do you remember that?

[A]

Yep. That was weird, wasn't it?

[B]

Do you want a new ringtone? Text Jamster on 87324.

[A]

Fuck ass hamster.

[B]

Hottest ringtones, £800 a day.

[A]

I just wanted Crazy frog mom. You had to remortgage the house now?

[C]

No.

[B]

What a time.

[A]

They really didn't have to give it a penis.

[B]

No, that was his choice. Frogs do have peni, though. So why are we.

[A]

Do they? Okay, male podcast moment. Sorry. Can we research? Do frogs have penises? Most male frogs do not have penis. No, Phil. Reptile.

[B]

What do they do though?

[A]

I do amphibian. Fuck.

[B]

How do they have sex?

[A]

They just kind of release sperm onto the eggs, don't they? Oh, yeah. It's like a fishy situation.

[B]

Yeah. Where's the sperm come out if they don't have a penis? It comes out of the cloaca. Cloaca.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

It's like a bird.

[A]

Nature learning with Dan and Phil. Love it. All right. We did it.

[B]

We did it. We're having a London heat wave at the moment.

[A]

The hottest, maybe on record.

[B]

Why the hell are you in a coat? It's because we have rare air con in this building. Rare con.

[A]

The reason why we rented the facement is because it has air con.

[B]

And you see a huge war at the moment between Americans and the UK being like, it's not even warm. It's 47 degrees here in Iowa.

[A]

Well, firstly, British people love to complain about fucking everything.

[B]

And that's our right.

[A]

This is our culture.

[B]

We will moan, but we don't have aircon. And also, our houses are not built for this.

[A]

No, they're Victorian ass brick shacks. Do you remember our first London apartment on the fourth floor of a main road where the windows were so holey that it just let the air in?

[B]

And I don't want to conspiracy theory this.

[A]

Say it, Phil. Mail podcast.

[B]

I've been in Arizona where it's been 40, 74 degrees Celsius.

[A]

We were there in Phoenix.

[B]

It feels warmer outside right now and I don't understand why. Absolutely I feel like our heat is a different heat.

[A]

I have an A level in geography. I should be able to explain that.

[B]

El Nino, bro, There is such a

[A]

fucking big El Nino coming.

[B]

I can feel it.

[A]

You need to prepare El Nino to

[B]

the polls so the Green Party will reverse climate change.

[A]

It is way too late. There's going to be.

[B]

Stop. We're not doomering.

[A]

The El Nino is coming.

[B]

We're not doomering.

[A]

And, Phil, what's the opposite of El Nino?

[B]

L. Nope. Le. Le. Cold. Le cold. La. La claire. La. N. La nina. La nina. Frizita. Yeah, La nina. Yeah, okay. La nina.

[A]

Oh, geography. What did you do at A level?

[B]

I did geography. No, I didn't. Did I?

[A]

I don't fucking know. I didn't know you then. What knowledge do you retain?

[B]

I didn't do geography. I did A level. English Language, Art.

[A]

Oh, that went well.

[B]

Media studies, Psychology.

[A]

Three out of four. Yeah, I see how you've retained some of that knowledge.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You are an interesting case study. I am Zimbardo.

[B]

Milgram, Milgram and Milgram.

[A]

Name a woman.

[B]

Kamala Harris.

[A]

Yep. Okay.

[B]

There's a new trend where you've got to name 100 women. Do you think we could do that? I bet we could. Should we do that on Patreon at some time? Yeah, I bet we could do it. I'm feeling strong. Kamala Britney.

[A]

Kamala Britney. What in the centrist mum. Is this Slater Birdo, trans icon?

[B]

Yes. Were we talking about the heat wave?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What will you do?

[A]

We've been coping in mysterious ways. There was like, an eye mask. Put it in the freezer.

[B]

That was a good one.

[A]

Water bottle between the thighs.

[B]

Oh, damp.

[A]

Yeah. But when you put it between your legs and you get into bed, it's

[B]

like you pissed yourself.

[A]

I was gonna say getting freaky with the ice, but, yeah, I keep getting

[B]

that Instagram ad that's like, make your bed cold with this new machine.

[A]

I don't trust this at all.

[B]

What's it do?

[A]

Well, we're gonna lose a podcast sponsorship with this. They're like, yeah, there's a PC next to your bed and it cools your bed and it can see if you're snoring and it will inflate slightly to raise your position.

[B]

I'm curious.

[A]

And the worst thing was, it's like we record you and we can send you your sleep talking and. Or analyze your snoring.

[B]

What?

[A]

I don't want you with a microphone recording things that happen in the bedroom and uploading it to your cloud. Server.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Where your fuck ass. Employees that are not sworn to any government secrecy can just straight up listen to all of your sex.

[B]

Are they just in the data center, like. Oh, yes, they're at it again.

[A]

This is not a billion dollar company that's gonna get sued like Apple. 100% they can just log in and 100% they can listen to you fucking.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Allegedly. This is a comedy podcast.

[B]

Allegedly.

[A]

I don't trust it.

[B]

We are allegedly going away next week.

[A]

So true. No pod next week. Freak out.

[B]

It's my mum's birthday and we're going Happy birthday. On a hot holiday.

[A]

Mummy Lester.

[B]

Mummy Lester.

[A]

She wants to go back to her favorite family place, Portugal. Aw. Why is Portugal the Lester family holiday of choice?

[B]

I've been there at least 15 times

[A]

because it's quick to fly to cheap.

[B]

Also, my dad finds somewhere he likes. He just wants to go every time.

[A]

We had one good experience there. We're done. We're not messing about with all this other earth.

[B]

No, we're going back to Portugal, which is fair because Portugal's great.

[A]

Yeah, it's totally fine.

[B]

Great people, great food.

[A]

That's one of the first holidays that we went on.

[B]

Our first holiday date.

[A]

Dan and Phil, 2010. Portugal cucked by a volcano.

[B]

We went to Blackpool the first time because the volcano cucked.

[A]

Shout out Iceland.

[B]

But then we went back to Portugal together. And I took you to the family restaurant that we used to go to as a family.

[A]

Got that?

[B]

Piri Piri, Piri Piri Chicken.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you remember that? We were a bit nervous to check in as a gay, so we got a twin room. Aw, baby.

[A]

Gays. How many fucking holidays? Business trips.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Performative playlist. Live twin rooms.

[B]

I know.

[A]

We're down and filled. We've got work to do, so we want you to book one room. But it has to be a twin room.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I remember once we pushed a bed together. Sometimes you just shouldn't move beds in hotels.

[B]

No. You see things in the gas.

[A]

Yeah, mind the gas. Blood.

[B]

Blood.

[A]

That was like the Holiday Inn on the Tatanoff tours.

[B]

Oh, don't, don't.

[A]

The regional motels. Don't move the beds. I know. You're having a gay moment and you're trying to be DL in your twin room. Don't push the beds together.

[B]

Speaking of who'd like a gay moment? Richard. Here we go. Richard is coming out as bisexual.

[A]

Oh, we love that. For he.

[B]

She.

[A]

Him.

[B]

Her. They. Them. No, never they. Them. You give it a spin, Mr. Sequin.

[A]

This is gonna be fucking dangerous. Okay. ASMR. Spotify people. You might listen to a thousand sequins falling on the floor.

[B]

We need to gay up the answer as well. So it could be like. But gay.

[A]

Okay, whatever it is. Yeah, we're gonna read it. But gay. Oh, it's a stiff one.

[B]

It's the stiff one. Blue balls. I'll do it.

[A]

No. Oh, he who cranks it, reads it.

[B]

He who cranks it, yanks it.

[A]

If you're wondering why I'm wearing these fuck ass pantaloons, by the way, it's because this is exactly what I wore to Pride in 2019.

[B]

Ah, you're rematching it.

[A]

Do you know the trend that I'm most happy is dead pantaloons? Trainer socks.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

What's this about?

[B]

You don't need it, you can just wear your socks.

[A]

It's fucking wrong, isn't it?

[B]

I just wear my socks with whatever and it's kind of liberating.

[A]

With whatever?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With your gimp suit?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. What else do you wear it with?

[B]

My other gimp suit.

[A]

What is the optimum human lifespan?

[B]

But gay. I would honestly.

[A]

Gay people are kind of annoying. We need to put a lid on it. Gay men live into like 500.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Really? Some of them are doing the most.

[B]

I think I would like to live till 652.

[A]

Yeah. Why is that?

[B]

I just really enjoy living. I never get bored of watching TV shows. There's always something to do.

[A]

Honestly, as long as someone is making good games and good tv, it's fine.

[B]

I'm ignoring like the world ending due to climate change and more. Just like, how long I would like to live.

[A]

But if you were sat in your Wally slopchair, I'd just guzzle in that fucking slop.

[B]

I can slop away for gimme content eight weeks, but I will live in

[A]

a Wally slop chair future only if it's human made art. Like if it's all AI generated personalized slop. That's gonna be horrible.

[B]

That'll be disgusting.

[A]

No.

[B]

How long would you like to live but gay.

[A]

You are gay in a gay way. I mean, is that like, when we get to 80, we might be like, we're kind of done with the gayness aspect of it. Time to find a woman, maybe shake things up. Like, how long are you gonna live before you're like, actually sample that pond? No saying dip in the lady pond. It's on the list of banned phrases, actually.

[B]

It's like a oasis in a sea of gay.

[A]

I think that like 100's fine.

[B]

You've gotta join me for 600 or I'll get sad.

[A]

I guess I'm forced to stick it out for Phil.

[B]

Think of all the Scrabble game.

[A]

Oh, my God, euthanasia this. Switzerland pods are gonna go fucking hard in like a hundred years though.

[B]

But gay.

[A]

Can I go to the gay euthanasia pod in Switzerland?

[B]

Or they just fill it with Popper's steam. Oh, my God.

[A]

You feel the rush so hard you fucking die.

[B]

Sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.

[A]

This is gonna be Dan and Phil's Dragon's Den Shark Tank. All right, we want to do euthanasia pod, but gay.

[B]

Yes. Let's listen to some of you guys.

[C]

Hello, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Lauren. I'm from Hampshire.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I would like to hard launch my unconventional way of beating the heat. This bank holiday Monday, it is 30 degrees outside and I work at a funeral home, so I took a laptop into the mortuary.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Chilling with someone's grandma. No, Last eight hours.

[B]

I mean, if you're working in a fridge, why not make the most of it eco friendly.

[A]

Don't chill another room when there's a perfectly cold room right there. Yes, yes. Good for you.

[B]

And if I had passed away, I think I'd quite like the company and the icy fridge.

[A]

Yeah, the spirit would appreciate someone hanging cracking on with the em. Depends what you're doing on your laptop.

[B]

Yeah, Sending hard launches.

[A]

Apparently Grandma's gonna be looking at heated rivalry over your shoulder.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

You're gonna hang around.

[B]

Another one, please.

[C]

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Eleanor in Edinburgh and I am hard launching a hard limit on what you should have to spend on other people's relationships. Engagement parties, pen weekends, stag dues, bridal showers, weddings. I'm buying gifts and outfits. I'm paying for travel constantly.

[A]

It adds up.

[C]

And none of it is for me.

[A]

I mean, so basically fuck your friends. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I feel that might be very pointed towards war friend. That's like, come to our house.

[A]

It sounds like one of your friends is deep in love and you're like, fuck that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And fair enough.

[B]

I think making someone spend loads of money to go to like Aruba followed by a hen. A Aruba.

[A]

I hardly knew it.

[B]

A Hendoo in Amsterdam.

[A]

Hamsterdam Hamster Dan. People don't want to be reminded of that.

[B]

That's. It's a lot.

[A]

There's so many events. Come to my sip and see my baby shower, my baby moon stag hem them.

[B]

We've never had a party for our relationship.

[A]

I think at some point you can just send a card.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. If you can't financially afford to go to all of this, you shouldn't be forced to go.

[A]

Or if you just don't care that much.

[B]

No.

[A]

You can just lie. Don't host too many expensive parties is the moral of the story.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next.

[B]

Hi. Hello. I'm Sonya.

[A]

And I'm Leah.

[B]

And we're hard launching that as two currently menstruating families.

[A]

Hot tamales.

[B]

We detest and protect the goopy clot colored lava lamp. Oh. It is a hate crime against all people with uteri. So either change the color or fucking destroy it. Oh, my goodness. Sorry. To anyone with uteri that is going through a current menstruation that is reminded

[A]

of the things they'd rather not feel because of the lava lamp.

[B]

Can we just say, as gay men,

[A]

we don't know what the fuck that is?

[B]

No.

[A]

So this is just a nice gay lava lamp. I'm kidding.

[B]

It is pink.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

It looks quite red in the light,

[A]

but it actually meant to be clear and purple.

[B]

It's actually clear and purpley pink.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So everyone's just looking at it wrong. Wow.

[A]

Tell those families how they should feel.

[B]

I would love to change the color, but I think it would clash with the set and also be very expensive.

[A]

So in other words, we acknowledge your feelings, but Phil is saying no.

[B]

No. Cool. Unless we get a Mathmos sponsor.

[A]

Yeah. Send us a new lava lamp every week so then we can bump into it with our asses.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

At least we've learned to turn it on earlier so it is less clotty now. It's more gloopy. It's more gloopy than remind people of

[B]

other positive things than when it turns into the fingers of death.

[A]

Yeah. It can look like blood. It can look like.

[B]

Why don't we reframe it? It's joy juice.

[A]

If your joy juice looks like that, go see a doctor. Please.

[B]

Next.

[A]

Have we got another one? Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Palate cleanser. Love you. Just saying.

[B]

Next. I just let you go. Keep going. Where are you going? Okay. What? What? I know you can hear him. What is that? He has a lot to say. Is that a pigeon? Tell him.

[A]

What?

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Bro is yapping.

[B]

This is a deep, hard launch.

[A]

That sounds bubbly. Are you sure you're not just about to violently shit yourself?

[B]

That's my son. He's a pigeon. That is your son. Oh, my God. We need to stop it. I feel like a flock of pigeons is gonna fly into the room in a minute.

[A]

It is pride, so you shouldn't say that. But we thank.

[B]

I'm just kidding. Stop. I'm just.

[A]

The pigeon didn't say anything. Phil, I made you cough. I'm sorry.

[B]

The pigeon is an ally.

[A]

Yeah, no, the pigeon actually said trans rights.

[B]

Thank you, Pidgin. That was a lovely Pride themed episode. If you want to keep the party going, I thought we could take the famous Am I gay? Test on Patreon to find out from

[A]

the website pop up. If we fail, we might have to cancel the podcast.

[B]

Maybe if you want to join us and watch that unfold, you can go to patreon.com dan and phil for supporting our Fagenda.

[A]

Thanks for watching. Listening. Love you. See you next Hard Monday.

[B]

Pride.