Phil accidentally booked a "sexy massage"

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Phil accidentally booked a "sexy massage"
Release Date: February 16, 2026

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Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode, Dan and Phil dive into one of Phil's recent misadventures—inadvertently almost starring in a "sexy massage" video. The duo meander from Phil’s near-porn experience into relatable tales about family, school memories, the art of gossip, awkward social moments, and the beautiful strangeness of both themselves and their fans. Their signature banter is on full display, blending oversharing with wit, self-deprecation, and an unapologetic embrace of all things weird.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Phil’s Sexy Massage DM Fiasco

[00:29 – 02:58]

• Phil shares receiving an Instagram DM from a very buff masseur, whose account features “hunky guys getting massaged. Some with their butts out—mostly.”
• Dan suggests it’s normal for massages but warns: “It was a solid orange alert” – a safety concern rather than jealousy. (00:44)
• On investigating reviews, Dan discovers a recurring “happy ending” subtext: “My favorite review said that the hottest part was when he whispered in my ear, ‘May I enter, Phil?’” (02:24)
• Phil admits he initially said yes, enjoying the ego boost, but Dan intervened before any cheeks were “released” to the internet.

“I was thinking, hey, this guy thinks I'm as hunky as the rest of the guys. Could be a little bit of my thirst trap era.”—Phil (01:51)

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2. Being “On Time” and Mishaps with Calendars

[03:01 – 04:07]

• Dan playfully grumbles about Phil causing the last episode’s 12-hour late upload: “Last week's podcast episode was uploaded 12 hours late. I thought because of Phil’s brain calendar management system.” (03:14)
• Phil blames his internal sense of “Sunday energy” and pledges to use a real calendar now, prompting Dan to ask for evidence on Instagram.

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3. Visiting Family and Childhood Flashbacks

[04:20 – 07:17]

• Dan describes visiting his mum’s birthday, returning to his hometown in full “incognito” mode—avoiding old acquaintances at all costs.
• The birthday party triggers a childhood memory: sniffing a craft bead up his nose after a literal misunderstanding, leading to an A&E visit.
• Briefly, Dan wonders why people mistake him for a teenager sometimes, relating it to Phil’s “toast face” and the perils of Vitamin D deprivation.

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4. The “100%” Dan Drinking Game and Active Listening

[07:18 – 08:20]

• Phil roasts Dan’s new verbal tic—ending sentences with “100%.”
• They joke about turning it into a drinking game: “If you want to day drink on a Monday... do a shot whenever Dan says 100%. 100% and you’ll be fucking dead by the end of the episode.” —Dan (07:42)
• They compare styles of active listening—Dan’s performative affirmation versus Phil’s partial attention.

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5. Gossip, Secrets, and the “Vault”

[08:25 – 10:33]

• The pair muse on why people overshare secrets with them. Dan reflects:
  “I think a lot of people trust Dan and Phil with their darkest secrets. I think it's because we lied to the world and ourselves for so long. They're like, these guys live in a vault of secrets.” (08:40)
• Phil reveals he loves gossip but, conveniently, has no friends to spread it to—so secrets are safe.
• Discussion of code-word substitutions to keep stories spicy and unidentifiable.

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6. Social Blunders and Squirrels

[11:18 – 12:46]

• Phil recounts interrupting an emotional story at dinner to announce a squirrel falling out of a tree:
  “Phil stopped the conversation, emergency brake style, to go, sorry. And everyone went like, oh, my God, a squirrel just fell out of that tree.” —Dan (11:55)
• Dan lectures on reading the room, but Phil insists the bouncing squirrel was too good not to share.
• Segues, tangents, and ski-jumping penis inflation rumors.

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7. Olympic Sports: Penis Fillers, Breakdancing, and the Luge

[13:08 – 14:46]

• They discuss wild Olympic sports, including ski jumpers allegedly enhancing their packages for aerodynamic advantage, two-person luge, and defending breakdancing as a valid Olympic event.
• Dan:
  “Collectively, as a society, we need to forgive Ray Gun for the breakdancing in the Summer Olympics. Because if we be doing skeleton, we're gonna let the breakdancers break dance.” (14:01)

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8. Listener Mailbag: Wild Takes and Hard Launches

[27:01 – 31:23]

• Em from NY: Confidently launches her high-protein, low-sugar health journey. Phil: “I like my sugar. It’s the only thing I’ve got in life.” (27:36)
• Rafaela from Ecuador: Calls for revoking voting rights from onion haters, sparking an ode to the necessity of onions and a debate on food preferences.
• Wendy from Devon: Champions labia-size acceptance with inventive slang like “hambaguette.” Phil praises the diversity shown at the Vagina Museum.

“Be happy with your body, whatever you’re given. Who cares? We’re all gonna turn to dust eventually anyway.” —Phil (30:46)

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9. Memorable Anecdotes: School Plays and Super Bowl Bushes

[19:00 – 23:11]

• Dan and Phil compare tragic school play roles: Dan always played leads, Phil was once an “envelope” with the immortal line: “I’m an envelope.”
• Discussion about Super Bowl halftime shows, musings on people dressing as bushes for Bad Bunny, and the honor of being assigned as “a bush” in any group production.

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10. Random Q&A and Vampiric Love

[24:39 – 26:46]

• “If you got bit by a vampire, would you turn the other person?”: A debate about growing old together or joining the eternal undead, peppered with Buffy the Vampire Slayer lore and memories of fan fiction about Dan and Phil as vampires.

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11. Speed Dating Video Recap & Reflections on Socializing

[16:24 – 18:46]

• Recap of their Valentine’s speed dating video, feeling out of place:
  “We realized we do like each other more than those five men.” —Phil (17:36)
• Dan confesses he shape-shifts his personality to flirt, with Phil summarizing, “We’re so fucking weird. Thank God we found each other.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Phil’s massage invitation:
  “The guy was in a wrestling singlet, stood over them and putting his hands right onto the ass cheeks.” —Phil (01:14)
• On late podcast uploads:
  “I woke up...it's like, oh, no, I'm missing school. I should be in the exam. I felt like the mum going, ‘Kevin!’ in Home Alone.” —Phil (04:07)
• On their “100%” drinking game:
  “If you want to day drink on a Monday… do a shot whenever Dan says 100%. 100% and you’ll be fucking dead by the end of the episode.” —Dan (07:42)
• On secret-keeping:
  “They've spun so many yarns so we can tell them all the tea ... They don't even know their own names.” —Dan (08:40)
• On being school play misfits:
  “What was the play? Someone had to reach in me and get out ‘Elected Santa.’” —Phil (20:47)
• Listener Wendy’s PSA:
  “Whether you’ve got beef curtains, hambaguettes… don’t let the fuckers put you down.” —Wendy from Devon (30:02)
  Phil (on visiting the Vagina Museum): “So many different labia styles and they were styles. They all fringe, they’re all beautiful.” (30:09)
• On turning each other into vampires:
  “Phil that bites. Are you a vampire?” —Dan (25:16)
• On bad school play roles:
  “I was also Benvolio in Year nine. I got a D.” —Phil (22:30)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Sexy Massage DM Story: 00:29 – 02:58
• The Calendar Blunder: 03:01 – 04:07
• Return to Hometown & Childhood Embarrassments: 04:20 – 07:17
• 100% Drinking Game / Listener Dynamics: 07:18 – 08:20, 27:01 – 31:23
• Gossip, Secrets & “The Vault”: 08:25 – 10:33
• Social Disasters (Squirrel Incident): 11:18 – 12:46
• Olympic Weirdness, Penis Fillers: 13:08 – 14:46
• Super Bowl Bushes, School Play Roles: 19:00 – 23:11
• Vampire Turning Q&A: 24:39 – 26:46
• Speed Dating, Social Energy: 16:24 – 18:46

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Tone & Style

• Irreverent, self-deprecating, and gleefully chaotic
• Frequent use of in-jokes, pop-cultural references, and unfiltered language
• Genuine reflections on anxiety, social navigation, and unusual life experiences

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Final Thoughts

This episode is classic HARD LAUNCH—unfiltered stories, overshares that risk permanent internet existence, endearing awkwardness, and a willingness to find comedy (and sometimes actual depth) in everything from massage DMs to the shape of Shakespeare’s weakest character. Dan and Phil’s rapport continues to make listeners feel like confidantes at a particularly eccentric sleepover—just don’t forget to take a shot for every “100%.”

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

So I was almost in porn this week.

[C]

The scrapes that I have to drag this guy out of. Go on, Phil. How did this occur?

[B]

You don't mean scrapes, you mean oily rubs. Well, I got a message on Instagram I don't usually check. There's an other folder on Instagram and it was from a very sexy looking man who was offering me a massage. Hello. Hello. What's going on here? I go to the profile and and it's full of hunky guys getting massaged. Some with their butts out or mostly.

[C]

I mean, Phil, that's just a regular massage thing. You're supposed to have your glutes slightly explode.

[B]

Explode. I don't know where you're going.

[C]

You're supposed to show a little bit of upper butt cheek. This was like, get a rub. That's normal.

[B]

Most butt cheeks.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

The guy was in a wrestling singlet, stood over them and putting his hands right onto the ass cheeks.

[C]

He's just got a flexible outfit in order to give people maximum reach.

[B]

Anyway, I read the DM and it said, hey, do you want a massage? Little side eyes emoji. That was one thing. I was like, ooh. Then if you'd like one, I'll record it and then I'll put it on my Instagram. You can have it for free now.

[C]

I immediately got a bit of a yellow to red flag from this one.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Solid orange alert, I'd say.

[B]

Was that a jealousy alert or were you just worried about it?

[C]

No, I'm just worried that you're gonna get murdered, which is something we should always think about on the Internet.

[B]

Sure. Well, I was thinking, hey, this guy thinks I'm as hunky as the rest of the guys. Could be a little bit of my thirst trap era.

[C]

Starting off, Phil's like, oh, getting a free massage. I guess I'm hot enough to be on his grid. Maybe I'll do that for me now. Phil.

[B]

What?

[C]

I love that for you. Ok. Feel good about yourself. Get those back knots worked out.

[B]

Win, win ass knots.

[C]

Problem is, I googled this guy and the reviews that Weren't Instagram things said some words such as happy and ending. Lots of winky faces.

[B]

My favorite review said that the hottest part was when he whispered in my may I enter Phil?

[C]

This was a sexy massage operation, okay? The Instagram was the teaser for the longer video that I think gets uploaded to another website. And you're about to turn up. And then you were gonna be viral for all the wrong reasons.

[B]

Maybe it was time to release the cheeks. So I replied and said yes.

[C]

So I took the phone out of Phil's hand and was like, sorry, we're busy at that point. So well done, Phil. I saved you from having your full crack exposed. Guess I'll get somewhere on the Internet.

[B]

Oiled up another week.

[C]

3, 2, 1. Happy hard Mondays, everybody. Welcome back to the mail pod with Dan and Phil on time. Isn't that right, Phil?

[B]

Hey, look, we all have issues with our mental calendars.

[C]

Last week's podcast episode was uploaded 12 hours late. I thought because of Phil's brain calendar management system.

[B]

I thought it was Sunday in my head. It had a pure Sunday energy that day.

[C]

Well, I'm glad that you had pure Sunday energy when other people woke up on a Monday. Hopeless. I'm soft.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Missing Dan and Phil. How the fuck did they get through their days?

[B]

You will not be flaccid this weekend.

[C]

You will get through this Monday.

[B]

I'm gonna tell you all now. I realize the error of my ways and I've started using an actual calendar.

[C]

If you don't post this in notes up on your Instagram story, I don't believe you, sir, I am. No, I wanna see people talking about it.

[B]

It's there.

[C]

If I don't see you trending on Twitter, you haven't bowed hard enough.

[B]

I am using that calendar.

[C]

Do you see the Japanese volleyball video where the guy accidentally hit a ref with the volleyball and then slid full frontal across the floor? Do it now. Do you want me to penguin slide into the camera?

[B]

Full frontally slide across the floor towards the audience?

[C]

I'm not after that massage story, actually, Naam.

[B]

No. Yeah, I'm very sorry. Anyone that was staying up late, I'm just. I woke up and, you know, it's like, oh, no, I'm missing school. I should be in the exam. I felt like the mum going Kevin in Home Alone all at the same time. I repent.

[C]

Although I can't talk. It was my mum's birthday the other day.

[B]

Happy birthday, Mum. Dan.

[C]

Yep, that's the normal way of human speaking. And I missed the Train Dan by one minute.

[B]

We said we were gonna be on time for.

[C]

Why am I always jogging? I have never not jogged to get on a train.

[B]

And how did it feel to go back to your old town?

[C]

Deeply triggering. I try to avoid making eye contact in case anyone from my previous life recognizes me. Oh, that terrifies me. Like. Hat on. Covid. Mask. Sunglasses. Bigger.

[B]

You're at full incognito big time.

[C]

Trench coat flaps up 100%.

[B]

Flaps.

[C]

I was being picked up from the station. Drove past my old school. Haunting aura.

[B]

Did it look small?

[C]

Yes, but lots of old faces. At the mom's birthday, she invited people from across the span of her life.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Because she's popular, she's made good decisions.

[B]

Why aren't you popular? If it's in the genetics, I don't know.

[C]

Thanks, Phil.

[B]

So who was at the party? Did you see any old flames?

[C]

Dafka. My mum's 57 year old neighbor, Linda. Okay.

[B]

I knew you had a dark past.

[C]

Before I met you, there was one incident that. That I was reminded of where someone was like, oh, this is Jane. Do you remember the last time you saw her? You had to go to hospital because you sniffed a hennabeed.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

So.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you're.

[C]

This was the moment I discovered sarcasm.

[B]

Right.

[C]

I was five.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I was playing with the beads that you iron.

[B]

I remember those.

[C]

Lady brought her dog to our house.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I balanced the bead on the dog's nose. So my mum's friend Helen says, oi, leave my dog alone. How would you feel if someone stuck a bead up your nose, Helen? So I took that literally. I went to the bathroom with a bead and I snorted it fully up my nose. I literally inhaled that thang, Daniel. It got lodged in my brain and I had to go to A and.

[B]

E. And then did you have like bead flashbacks when you saw her? Like, no, it's the bead.

[C]

I could deeply smell the plastic. I'm on the floor. There's a dog, me doing a line of arts and crafts.

[B]

You should have offered her a line of beads.

[C]

365 party toddler. That was me.

[B]

Retribution for Helen. Sniff that or you're not allowed some cake. Get it up that nostril.

[C]

I also. I don't know how these people didn't know who I was. What I am the child of the birthday girl. Someone was like, what are you drinking? And I went, oh, I'll have some of the. And she went, are you allowed?

[B]

And I was like, oh, my God, do you think I'm 17, get on the baby table. I was just like, what?

[C]

Like, who do you think I am? What math are you doing right now?

[B]

Your face, to be fair, does sometimes morph into a very young face. Like in the Viewers Pick my outfits video. When you were wearing that beanie hat, oh my God, you looked like a 17 year old.

[C]

Do I need to smile less? Is this the problem?

[B]

When you smile, you get that toast face where you look like a little toast. Do you know what I mean? Like the little squishy toast man.

[C]

Do you know what he means? The toast face. That's me. Is it?

[B]

Yeah. That is you.

[C]

I need to just be grumpier. I need to be less friendly. Someone looked at me and need to go, I want more fucking wine.

[B]

More wine.

[C]

Yeah. Just because we don't go outside. Vitamin D. Bad for your face.

[B]

Some people say, how do you have such a youthful complexion? It's literally, I never went in the sun my entire life.

[C]

Don't go outside.

[B]

No. Dan, I need to tell you something. You keep saying 100% after everything, it's your new thing.

[C]

Don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. You're doing it again.

[B]

It's the new what can I say?

[C]

It's 100% the new what can I say?

[B]

I bet someone's already made like a breakdown of you saying it.

[C]

Okay, from this moment, Dan and Phil hard launch drinking game. If you want to day drink on a Monday to get through the shift, do a shot whenever Dan says 100%. 100% and you'll be fucking dead by the end of the episode.

[B]

When we were doing the Dating Valentine's video, you were saying it to all of the guys. I think it's when you get a little bit nervous. 100%.

[C]

How performatively active listener am I? I'm listening to 100%. I agree. I'm listening 100%. Who agrees or listens to someone 100%? I feel's got a hot take. I'm thinking probably 62%.

[B]

I feel like I'm actively listening about 33% to anyone. I'm always thinking about other things at the same time.

[C]

Although we went to dinner with a couple of friends and you know what? One of them, great active listener. We discussed this.

[B]

They listened to everything I said.

[C]

Also they talked mad shit.

[B]

Oh my God. I learned something about someone that we know in common that I can't even repeat.

[C]

So I think a lot of people trust Dan and Phil with their darkest secrets. I think it's because we lied to the world and ourselves for so long. They're like, these guys live in a vault of secrets. They don't even know their own names. They've spun so many yarns so we can tell them all the tea about our family, trauma and closest friends.

[B]

But what they'll do is they'll tell us this deep secret, thinking that we'll keep it. And I love, love a gossip. I want to tell everyone everything.

[C]

Yeah, but you don't know anyone. That's why they know that we're safe. Like, who are you gonna tell me? If they tell both of us, they're like, the secret dies here.

[B]

What?

[C]

You know what I mean. They ain't going to a party.

[B]

All you need to do is if someone else knows the friend, you just go, I know someone. And then tell the whole story anyway.

[C]

And that's the secret to Dan and Thal's podcast. To all of our friends that may be listening. This isn't about you. It's about the other ones.

[B]

And then you just change the word sex party to something else.

[C]

Think on your feet quick, Phil. Sense of the story. You need to try harder.

[B]

Helter Skelter.

[C]

Jesus Christ. Toby brought some Dettol wipes.

[B]

You get dizzy in that?

[C]

Talk about carpet burn.

[B]

Lube it down.

[C]

Yeah. Whoa. Meat crayon.

[B]

What is a meat crayon?

[C]

It's when someone falls off a motorbike.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Slides are really. Have you ever not burnt your skin going down a slide?

[B]

I can't say I've been down many slides recently as a grown man.

[C]

Phil, you need to go down more slides.

[B]

You were on that lubed up Helter Skelter. That's why you know about slides.

[C]

The sex party. Yeah, I didn't go to the sex party that our friends told us that someone else that we knew went to at this dinner party.

[B]

And a celebrity might have not been there.

[C]

So anyway, people trust us with their secrets. And it just made us realize, why do so many people love gossip and they spill all the tea about all of their friends? It terrified us because we just thought, wait, wait, wait. Are these people now going to go and tell everybody that they know everything that we're telling them? Is this what most people do?

[B]

Yes, it's Rebecca Vardy.

[C]

Fresh crispy reference there, Phil.

[B]

No, what we have to do is we have to. I already like lying. Throw little lies into each story and then you can find out who the rat is.

[C]

I'd like to tell you all that Phil's sexy massage story included. No lies. In fact, we had to redact some graphic details.

[B]

The lie was that I said, no. Look at this oily sheen I've still got from new tier.

[C]

Only fans with a ph on the Patreon. Look forward to that on there.

[B]

Yeah, I think if you're gonna tell someone a story, you need to assume they're gonna tell someone else. Unless it's like you say, which is my thing. Vault. Vault. It's in the vault.

[C]

When the fuck has that ever worked?

[B]

Me and Louise always use the vault, and she's never said anything from the vault.

[C]

Release the Phil and Louise files.

[B]

No.

[C]

What has happened?

[B]

She trusts me with the vault. That's how I bitch about you.

[C]

Um, you survived that dinner with our friends, though, despite the fact that you did a horrific social faux pas.

[B]

This was a. Okay, listen, listen.

[C]

100%.

[B]

Our friend was telling us a very emotional story, which I will not repeat because it was sad and we had to listen to it.

[C]

Well done, Phil, because you did tell them about the sex party earlier, so well done. On not stumping our friend's trauma on.

[B]

The podcast, she was saying something very upsetting.

[C]

Something serious.

[B]

Serious. And behind her, a squirrel fell out of a tree.

[C]

And Phil stopped the conversation, emergency brake style, to go, sorry. And everyone went like, oh, my God, a squirrel just fell out of that tree.

[B]

I know. I just had to say it.

[C]

Did you have to say it? You said it in a way, like something really crazy, kind of funny and interesting just happened. But only you saw it out of the window.

[B]

But it was like she's saying from everyone else's perspective.

[C]

She was like. And you know, it's been really difficult. And then you just go, squirrel father trip.

[B]

No. But she said, sorry, imagine my perspective. I'm looking at her all emotional, and it's been really difficult for me. Whoa. Splat in the background. I just had to. I wanted to laugh because I saw a squirrel just, like, plonk. And I didn't want to seem insensitive, so I said.

[C]

I just said, this is what they call a lock in moment.

[B]

Lock in.

[C]

You, as a good friend and a member of society, needed to read the room and just go, mm, mm. Okay, that happened. But it's just for me. And now is not the time.

[B]

But it bounced.

[C]

Maybe 10 minutes later, you go, scroll. Just fell out.

[B]

The trick. It bounced.

[C]

It could have happened at any time. Phil, you know what bounced?

[B]

What?

[C]

Her respect for you in that moment.

[B]

Well, do you know what I should have done to make that moment less awkward?

[C]

What? A segue out of Interrupting our friend's trauma dump.

[B]

I should have said. Here's the thing. Gold medal for the biggest hog. Ski jumpers have been inflating their penises to get more crotch area material in the ski jump.

[C]

So this is allegedly.

[B]

Allegedly. It was BBC News. It's true.

[C]

Do you want to get a hyaluronic acid penis injection for an extra centimeter.

[B]

Of girth, 2cm of circumference? There's quite a lot. For a lot.

[C]

And this is the thing. Ski jumping. The bigger the surface, the more you glide like a squirrel.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So people are thinking, boom. Get those fillers where it matters.

[B]

My question. Ph. Why aren't they going like 10 extra inches if you can just keep injecting it?

[C]

I think it's basically a bit of swelling. I don't think it just adds meat.

[B]

Give me the girth.

[C]

Please stop doing that with your hand.

[B]

What if the girth master competes? He's gonna have a massive suit.

[C]

Some people are meant for things. And girth master should be jumping off a hill. I will say Winter Olympics. The sports are so fucking weird.

[B]

Yeah. Have you seen the ski jumping?

[C]

We're really just trying to kill ourselves at 90 miles per hour.

[B]

Have you seen the two person luge? They just stack on top of each other.

[C]

I'm gonna say something, Phil.

[B]

What?

[C]

Collectively, as a society, we need to forgive Ray Gun for the breakdancing in the Summer Olympics. Because if we be doing skeleton, we're gonna let the breakdancers break dance. And here's. Okay, so before you come for me, there's two worlds. Either we take all Olympic games really seriously and there's just like the 100 meter sprint and one other thing. Or we accept there are dozens of deeply unserious sports. Yes, you can have breakdancing, however that's judged. And the two person skeleton.

[B]

If we did the two person skeleton, would you want to be on the bottom or the top of the stack?

[C]

I am literally not answering that question.

[B]

On the podcast Pooch pirates in Oklahoma.

[C]

Pilfering packages prudently.

[B]

Whoa. Dogs have been stealing people's packages off the porch. Which has seen on a ring doorbell.

[C]

Serves them right.

[B]

I mean, dog supremacy. What are the dogs doing with the Amazon?

[C]

They just want the box.

[B]

It's interesting. They work together in a pack to steal the mail.

[C]

They could come together and overthrow society at any point.

[B]

Are they gambling on sausages being in the box? That's why I'm rolling 100%.

[C]

Apparently they stole something with drinks.

[B]

100%. Take a drink, everyone. Not 98%.

[C]

Move on. Next story.

[B]

One pound challenge proposal edition. Asda has revealed a 96 pence engagement ring.

[C]

Come on, Asda.

[B]

For people who might just want to get engaged but not spend any money.

[C]

On a ring, they're doing it for a meme, right? I'm going to say this. Who the fuck cares about gemstones in this economy?

[B]

I like a shiny ring.

[C]

Are we the generations that have completely destroyed the fancy gem industry? Because unlike old people that go, yes, I simply must spend. Imagine the boys, they're working at the garage and they're like, I've saved up for two months, so I'll come buy the rock. I feel like we just don't care about the rock anymore.

[B]

We don't care about.

[C]

Not Dwayne the rock. Don't choke me out.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think we really care about big gemstones or ironing as a society anymore.

[C]

We're into steaming.

[B]

Would you buy me a 96 pence engagement ring this Valentine's weekend?

[C]

I don't think you would appreciate that. You don't like jewelry.

[B]

What are I get.

[C]

I would get you a Haribo gummy ring.

[B]

I think that's the most romantic thing.

[C]

You know, you'd eat it and then forget about the whole proposal two seconds later.

[B]

Sounds great.

[C]

Don't hold your hopes up for that.

[B]

No, I feel like people are gonna buy it for the meme and then propose with it as a meme, which I think is fun. Do it. Go for it. Everyone get engaged now.

[C]

Phil wants that Jeremy Kyle marathon episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Speaking of Valentine's Day, we did our speed dating video.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That was really out of my comfort zone.

[C]

In case you don't know, we showed that we still got it. These old dogs are fresh bitches. Full of one liners. Cause we got a bunch of boys in and rizzed them up.

[B]

We rizzed them hard. I feel like we did. Well, it made me realize that I am not like a traditional London gay.

[C]

You think you're weird.

[B]

I feel like I'm different. Do you know what I mean? How did you feel?

[C]

Well, look, we were trying to be funny in this video, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So we were being intentionally goofy. I don't think we were trying to. Cause my actual genuine style of flirting is I would completely change my personality to appeal to the other person.

[B]

That's not a great way to flirt. Because they're not getting the right package then.

[C]

Yeah, but I'm gonna get the package.

[B]

Not getting Dan?

[C]

No, because nobody wants Dan.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

And who is Dan.

[B]

Oh, don't start that again. Exactly. I'm just a reflection of everyone else.

[C]

Exactly. I don't have a personality. I'm just whatever I need to be in any given moment.

[B]

We were trying to be entertaining and funny because it's a funny video. So we weren't, like, really fully rizzing.

[C]

But was part of it, like, why am I competing for people's attention? I don't need to do this anymore. I found a guy that will tolerate me even if I accidentally get recruited into a massage porn scenario.

[B]

Yeah. I think the nice conclusion was we realized we do like each other more than those five men.

[C]

That's a really nice way of saying we are so fucking weird. Thank God that we found each other because otherwise we're super cooked.

[B]

I think I'm, like, mildly extroverted because of this job, if you know what I mean.

[C]

But talking to five people who took it out at you did it.

[B]

I definitely was like, I need to go sit in a dark room after speaking to some of these guys. They were so confident, normal people. But they were, like, cracking jokes about everything. They were so funny. And on the whole time.

[C]

I feel like your 100% on is actually low power model.

[B]

100%.

[C]

The phone's yelling.

[B]

Not 96%.

[C]

I am Beachly. I do think it made me realize that we are social media people.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because we feel like we know a lot of cute boys in the world, you know, all the trained people that we could have dated if we didn't find each other. And that's because we vet people through social media.

[B]

That's why.

[C]

So we follow people that we like the look of and we know their personalities. And we realized, oh, my God, the dating scene. Just going out there and randomly meeting people that you haven't already stalked on the Internet. Now that's weird.

[B]

It was a wild west.

[C]

Here's to stalking people.

[B]

But if you fell in a volcano, they'd all be good for me, to be honest. Had a great time. What else has been going on?

[C]

Bonito Bowl.

[B]

Tell me about it.

[C]

Get your bush out.

[B]

Bad Bunny.

[C]

Did that scare you? The people were bushes? No, the bushes were people. Yo.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Talk about plants.

[B]

That was great. We're talking about the Super Bowl. Sports halftime. Sport commercial, fest, AI slop, gambling. I enjoyed that. I enjoyed Bad Bunny.

[C]

Yeah. Why? Because he did that thing where he front twerks towards the camera, and you can see that he's not wearing very supportive underwear.

[B]

I mean, obviously, but also Puerto Rico. I want to go there now, hang.

[C]

Out with the Paul brothers.

[B]

It's my favorite place in America.

[C]

Probably the only place we get let into at the moment.

[B]

I mean, if it's full of bad bunnies, I'm going there tomorrow.

[C]

Loved it. Although it did remind me, why did 1000 people sign up to be human bushes?

[B]

Because. Imagine that story when you're going to dinner. I was a human bush.

[C]

I was bad bunnies bush once.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Ayo, wait. Not like that. I'm fucking disappointed.

[B]

Well, a gig's a gig.

[C]

You're gonna take it, aren't you? It's a cool thing to do if you're doing a big nativity performance. Someone's gotta be a donkey.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Someone's gotta be a tree. Someone's gotta be the moon.

[B]

I'd get that right at the top of my LinkedIn.

[C]

I was a palm tree. I was a bush at the Super Bowl.

[B]

When you were in the school play, what was your lowest form of thing that you had to be?

[C]

Worst role.

[B]

Worst role.

[C]

Mmm. I mean, honestly, I always had the leading role. When I was five to 18.

[B]

Bloody did.

[C]

I was Santa. I was Jesus Santa.

[B]

Andreas.

[C]

I was Prince Charming.

[B]

You were never a bush.

[C]

Honestly, the worst character and part I've ever had in a play.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Was Benvolio in Romeo and Juliet. That's one of the main characters. No. Is Shakespeare's worst character.

[B]

I was an envelope. What? They put me in a big box.

[C]

What was the play?

[B]

Someone had to reach in me and get out. Elected Santa.

[C]

Why did that need to be personified?

[B]

Do you know what my line was? What? I'm an envelope. I remember that one.

[C]

How many times did you have to say, I'm an envelope.

[B]

Once.

[C]

And how long were you stood there.

[B]

For like 30 seconds. Wow. I also got to be Joseph. I have no lines. I just rubbed Mary's back.

[C]

That's the closest you've ever come to being a straight man.

[B]

As she was crowning. At least I was there. Absolutely.

[C]

As she was crowning. Yes. Oh, my Lord.

[B]

She was pushing. I was rubbing the back. That is a thing, though. Cause some guys are like, oh, I had to go back to hotel and sleep while she was giving birth.

[C]

I was playing Fortnite. No, don't be there. Get your hand crushed. That's what you're there for.

[B]

Stroke that back. Something's coming out of her vagina. Like, it's not hard for you. Sleep in that chair.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

And that's what I did as Joseph. I was a great father.

[C]

Method.

[B]

I was also one of the three wise men.

[C]

Oh, Ironic.

[B]

The one with Mur. Mur. Murr.

[C]

Spell mer.

[B]

M Y R H H. Bitch. It was the wordle the other day. I know how to spell mer.

[C]

Shut up. I'm not done talking about Benvolio. Look, here's the thing. I just think that he's a terribly written character.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Not terribly written. I'm not coming for Shakespeare. I'm just saying that it'. Everyone in Romeo and Juliet has something banging and interesting. Romeo is super sappy. He's just obsessed with Juliet as a total wet blanket. Mercutio, he's got insane banter. Love. Mercutio, bit crazy. Tybalt, unhinged, creates the whole drama. Juliet, all of these people have massive Riz. Benvolio, there is nothing. I am yet to see a single performance where I'm like, oh, yeah, cousin Benvolio, that's an interesting character. Where's the comedy?

[B]

Do you know something?

[C]

How are you supposed to make it interesting?

[B]

We've got in common.

[C]

What?

[B]

I was also Benvolio in Year nine. I got a D. Tro.

[C]

Oh dear. Yeah, I don't think. He can't not get a D. How are we supposed to impress anyone with that?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

What's up, cousin?

[B]

There's a big monologue. Fuck that up.

[C]

Tybalt had slain, whom Romeo's hand did slay. Sorry. Romeo and Juliet is full of absolute fucking bangers. Like Romeo's dialogue and Juliet. They just go off like. Especially at the very end of the play. They're both yapping.

[B]

Let it go.

[C]

And also, this is like. You see the fight happen, right? The fight happens. It's a good moment. They got their knives out. Mercutio, Tybal, very sad guy comes on like, what happened here? And then Benvolua explains it.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Why do we need a two minute explanation of something that we just saw? What costume change are we filling time for?

[B]

Let's give it a go. Let's see who's better.

[C]

Go on. Phil, you stop.

[B]

Tybalt here slain whom Romeo's hand did slay. Romeo that spoke him fair, blade him bethink.

[C]

Oh, how nice. The quarrel was an urged withal your high displeasure. All this uttered with gentle breath, calm lurk, knees humbly bowed, could not take truce with the unruly spleen of Tybalt, deaf to peace, but that he tilts with piercing steel at bold Mercutio's breast, who as all hot turns deadly point to point.

[B]

Why do you get so much more than me? You're hogging it.

[C]

One hand beats Cole's death aside and with the other, sends it back to Tybalt, whose dexterity, who asked for the recap, retorts it like, what the fuck? It's just not interesting.

[B]

You were good.

[C]

All right, Richard. Can we change the subject? Can we get an intervention? Thank you, lass. Wait.

[B]

Shit.

[C]

She's not sparkling.

[B]

The battery's gone.

[C]

Who stole a battery out of Richard?

[B]

I stole Richard's juice.

[C]

Say sorry to Richard.

[B]

Can't hear you. He's dead because the battery's gone.

[C]

Yes, you can.

[B]

She's in a cone.

[C]

Apologize to him.

[B]

Sorry, Richard.

[C]

You do the bowl today? Oh, he's cranking. Here we go. Thanks, lass. Off you go. Resuscitate you tomorrow. I'm so sorry for him.

[B]

Ready?

[C]

Go on, Phil. Make it crispy.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And today's random topic generated is.

[B]

Oh, it's from one of you guys.

[C]

Uh. Oh. Oh, God.

[B]

If you got bit by a vampire, would you turn the other person from Beep, Beep? I hope your name is actually Beep from the Roadrunner. Beep, beep.

[C]

Meep, meep. I think you'd have to ask the other person what they wanted.

[B]

But if you knew I was gonna live forever, maybe eating people, would you not be sad that you were gonna grow old and then I'd just be, like, cool and hot for millennia?

[C]

As the world's biggest Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, would you not accept that I need to kill you?

[B]

The problem is, in the Buffy lore, when you become a vampire, you become the demon that bit you.

[C]

You lose your soul.

[B]

You lose your soul, you become a nasty person. Nasty. Horrible.

[C]

Phil that bites. Are you a vampire?

[B]

I wouldn't want us to grow at different rates, right? Do you know what I mean? I don't want you to die, and I'm still alive.

[C]

Well, I reckon you've got, like, four decades before I catch up.

[B]

Thanks. What about you?

[C]

Um, living forever? Mmm.

[B]

Mmm.

[C]

I. Ooh. Sorry. Am I supposed to be hopeful about the future of humanity now?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Everything's gonna be great in 80 years. And I want to be fresh to be around for it.

[B]

That's great that you're hopeful. For once.

[C]

I would turn into a bat and go bite all of the billionaires.

[B]

Could we be bat vampires? I like the bat ones. They're not bats in Buffy.

[C]

Oh, what a great yaoi. Dan and Phil, the vampires flying around the world, killing people on yachts.

[B]

Can someone draw that? I'd love to read that one.

[C]

Absolutely. See how I didn't say 100% in agreement with that?

[B]

You really like holding it back?

[C]

Totally, dude.

[B]

Totally man.

[C]

Indubitably Doth. I agree.

[B]

In Buffy as well, the whole vampire ritual is quite sexy erotic. Yeah.

[C]

I wrote this fan fiction in the Amazing book is not on Fire.

[B]

Remember that?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you bite me or did I bite you?

[C]

I don't remember. I remember that you wrote one where Harry Styles burst out of my chest.

[B]

Yes, that was very intense that one.

[C]

The hand people are like, why is this generation so fucking weird? Thanks Phil.

[B]

He came out of the body hand first, completely naked and then hid his modesty with a pepper pot.

[C]

Graphic imagery for everyone involved.

[B]

I thought your fanfiction you wrote about was very well written though.

[C]

I could have had an alternate career as a self published erotic Amazon author for sure.

[B]

Why didn't you get that? Anyway, AO3 substack.

[C]

Yeah, come see Phil's sub crack.

[B]

You might sub whack if they enjoy it.

[C]

All right, let's change the subject by getting some of the listeners involved. It is time to enable you to speak your truth and live with the kind of terrifying chaotic arrogance that we display every week on the pod.

[B]

Hark. Who have we got first?

[D]

Hi, Jen and Phil, My name's Em, I'm from New York and today I'm hard launching the fact that I'm on a high protein diet. I try to eat 115 grams of protein a day. I've cut out all sugars and processed foods and I've truly never felt better. I have way more energy than I used to. A lot of health issues I used to have, like inflammation has went away. So if you're able to do it, I highly recommend it.

[B]

Well, I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'm gonna say nope. I will wait.

[C]

We are very happy for you. You sound so confident and happy.

[B]

No, look, woo. I like my sugar. It's the only thing I've got in life.

[C]

Yeah, if you don't you just suckle on that Haribo ring. What's the. That sounded like the worst euphemism we've ever said in our entire life.

[B]

Suckle on that Haribo ring.

[C]

What's the point in living?

[B]

I don't have many vices, I don't drink that much. I don't smoke, I don't do crack. I, you know, having.

[C]

But you do allow yourself a couple of tongue fast sticks sweet treats equivalent.

[B]

My problem is I have a lot of sweet treats. So if they did like a body analysis, yeah, I'd probably be like jelly.

[C]

But what would Shane Hollander Say about the macrobiotic diet?

[B]

I don't think about what he's saying.

[C]

Yeah. I think that's most people's experience, to be fair.

[B]

No, that's me. I like the character and all his aspects, not just his ass.

[C]

We love the writing.

[B]

My mildly autistic king.

[C]

Yeah. Who needs Benvolio when you've got dialogue like, fuck you.

[B]

Next.

[E]

Hi, Dan and Phil, I'm Rafaela from Ecuador. Shout out to all the Latin fannies out there. And I'm heart launching that people who don't like onions should be revoked of their right to vote. Because how are you a grown ass adult who doesn't like the taste of onions? I'm sorry, but there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Therefore you shouldn't be allowed in the decision making part of politics.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

I think points were made.

[B]

Points were made.

[C]

There's ways that you can say this is the threshold and not understanding and accepting that onions are necessary for most food to have delicious flavor. Is it?

[B]

Do you know what?

[C]

What?

[B]

I bloody love an onion. Yeah. And also, do you know when anyone's cooking and they're like, oh, that smells great. It's always on. Or garlic.

[C]

That's all it is, 100%. Although do you not feel like you fuck you cunt.

[B]

I'm just training you like a horse. A horse with a bad habit of saying 100%.

[C]

I need a shock collar.

[B]

You do.

[C]

Phil. Phil, you don't like tomato, but you love ketchup and you love pizza.

[B]

A raw tomato tastes foul and everyone knows it. They're just showing off.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I love this disgusting tasting mush ball, this guy.

[C]

It's because of the sugar in it.

[B]

I can't stand on any legs though because I don't like cheese. So whatever. Next.

[E]

Agree.

[C]

Hi, gays. I'm Wendy and I'm from Devon. I'm hard launching, stopping the shaming of labia sizes and shapes. Whether you've got beef, curtains, hambaguettes, whatever your look, don't let the fuckers put you down.

[B]

That was some very visual imagery there.

[C]

I gotta be honest. I haven't heard hamburghet before. No.

[B]

We went to the Vagina Museum and I saw so many different labia styles and they were styles. No.

[C]

How did you bedazzle it?

[B]

They all fringe, they're all beautiful. You know what I mean? It's just all like what you want.

[C]

That's 9%.

[B]

Thank you. Where's the 1%?

[C]

I'm just trying to shake it up and now it sounds like I'm Making an offensive point, doesn't it?

[B]

The other percent is that you like the penis.

[C]

So I just simply can't authentically say 100.

[B]

I mean, penises are all different shapes and sizes as well.

[C]

Some penises are fucking scary. No third leg to stand on.

[B]

Some are huge.

[C]

We got aardvarks. We got turtles.

[B]

Some are bent to the side.

[C]

Exactly. We've got bananas, cucumbers, vegan sausage rolls.

[B]

But overall, be happy with your body, whatever you're given. Who cares? We're all gonna turn to dust eventually anyway.

[C]

Absolutely. Thank you. You know who's a better writer than Shakespeare?

[B]

Me.

[C]

No, the hard caller.

[B]

The hard caller. Wendy.

[C]

Wendy. Who said hamburghet.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm so sorry. I just referred to you as a hard cooler. You know, we've got our listeners, they call in with hard launches. If you want to be one of our next hard coolers, please send in your hot takes. The things that you want to get off your baguette. Dan and Phil, hard launch pod. Fucking hell.

[B]

Oh. Hardlaunchpodcastmail.com youm almost two weeks in a.

[C]

Row said the right thing.

[B]

Nearly.

[C]

That's. Yeah, like 4% for you there.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Success rate.

[B]

So this has been 100% great episode.

[C]

I'm gonna look in the m panic and just wait for the edits of every time that I've said that and scream into the void.

[B]

There actually is an edit of you doing it. Do you want to hear it now?

[C]

Is there?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Already?

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna try and find that. If you come over to the Patreon, you can see Dan reacting.

[C]

Oh, wow. My immersion trauma therapy. Great. Look forward to confronting that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you for supporting us.

[B]

Thanks. That's patreon.com Dan and Phil, if you want to support the chan and we'll.

[C]

See you this time next week on time, hard, ready for prime.

[B]

Bye.

[G]

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[B]

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[G]

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[F]

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[G]

What do I do?

[C]

My refund though. I'm freaking out.

[B]

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[F]

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[G]

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[B]

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