Phil gave Dan a salty surprise

Summary

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HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Phil gave Dan a salty surprise"

Release Date: April 6, 2026

Overview

This chaotic and hilarious episode finds Dan and Phil in peak oversharing mode as they recount accidental acts of mild violence, salty mishaps, and their sleepless exploits. From a slap-happy incident to salted fries causing wild dreams, they veer through a barrage of adult jokes, internet absurdities, strip club awkwardness, underwear misadventures, and listener hard launches—all while maintaining their signature unfiltered banter. The duo’s sleep deprivation only enhances the irreverent energy, making for an episode that is both deliriously funny and unexpectedly candid.

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1. Accidentally Getting Physical: The Slap Saga

[00:30 - 02:31]

• Inciting Incident:

  • Dan accidentally slaps Phil while gaming ("I tried to shoo you away. I didn't realize quite how close you were. And I just went, ha. And I fully under chin slapped you." – Dan, 00:47).
  • Both are shocked; Dan offers Phil a free slap-back to even the score.

• Phil’s Struggle with Violence:

  • Phil isn’t able to hit Dan hard enough, despite several attempts ("Hard like violence just does not come easily to Phil." – Dan, 01:29).
  • The score is finally settled with Dan licking Phil’s face instead.
  • "You lick me. That's even worse. I'm not licking you back." – Phil, 02:17

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2. Costumes, Crotch Paranoia, and TikTok Trends

[02:37 - 03:46]

• Easter Aesthetic:

  • Dan and Phil are dressed as “Evil Easter” and “Good Easter,” confusing the audio crowd ("You are the bunny from hell." – Phil, 02:51).
  • Phil reveals he's wearing his “penis-y jeans” and discusses TikTok's "catching print" trend, causing new paranoia around jean fit and anatomy visibility (03:02).

• Sleep Deprivation & The Salty Fries Fiasco:

  • Both admit they slept horribly due to "crazy brain"—attributed to Phil double-salting already seasoned fries ("When Phil double seasoned the fries. He fucking slugged us." – Dan, 04:27).
  • "We had our brains were the savannah salt, cray crispy, cracked earth. Absolute nonsense." – Dan, 04:43

• Surreal Sleep Aftermath:

  • Dan is stuck on a German song loop ("Ein weihne schwitzen die weih watter and einer grosse Katza." – Dan, 04:51).
  • Phil recounts an outlandish, ketamine-fueled dream and wonders if he can say certain drug words on air (05:21–05:41).

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3. Holiday, Baking Disasters & Sexy Bunnies

[05:51 - 09:08]

• Easter Reflections:

  • Dan and Phil debate basic Bible facts about Easter, Pancake Day, and when Christ actually rose (05:58–06:39).

• Baking Redemption Arc:

  • Recalling a disastrous 2016 pastel lemon meringue bake ("Pastel lemon meringues treat. Delicious Extravaganza… We fucked up so spectacularly by opening the oven to check on them that they melted." – Dan, 07:50)
  • Set to try new Easter baking—this time as “femboy banana bread.”

• Butlers and Bunny Kinks:

  • Discussion of the “sluttiness” of butler costumes and the sexualization of bunny boys—reference to Final Fantasy XIV’s playable bunny races and associated fan uproar ("Give me the sexy bunny boys." – Phil, 09:01).

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4. Stolen KitKats, Chocolate Opinions, and World Gone Mad

[09:23 - 13:20]

• The KitKat Heist:

  • News of 450,000 KitKats stolen; duo speculates on the fate of the candy and critiques KitKat’s standing among chocolates ("KitKats are low key. Not that great either." – Phil, 09:55).
  • "The truck is worth more than the KitKats." – Dan, 10:55

• America Ruins Chocolate?:

  • They rant about the decline in chocolate quality after takeovers by American companies ("America does some things better than other people. Chocolate is not one of them." – Dan, 10:35).

• AI/ChatGPT Medical Mayhem:

  • ChatGPT’s alleged advice to insert garlic rectally for health is debunked and ridiculed ("Don't get medical Advice or use ChatGPT." – Phil, 12:38).
  • "Imagine the smell when they fart." – Phil, 13:10

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5. Strip Clubs, Sex Positivity & Underwear Mishaps

[13:25 - 19:02]

• Not Invited to the Strip Club:

  • Dan & Phil’s (lack of) desire to go to strip clubs—“That is the gayest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.” – Dan, 13:51
  • Pondering if they’d ever go to a gay strip club—big on theory, awkward in practice.

• Phil’s Underwear Crisis:

  • Phil leaves all his underwear and socks at a hotel, borrowing Dan’s and considering a total style refresh ("It's actually nice. It's like spring cleaning. I'm gonna get a whole new set of underwear and socks now." – Phil, 16:42).
  • Discussion about underwear ads, "bulge and butt enhancing" features, and padded pants (17:13).

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6. Trees That Smell Like... & Other Urban Atrocities

[17:41 - 19:13]

• Cum Trees in London:
  • Hilarious exchange about the infamous “semen tree” a.k.a. Callery pear, whose scent triggers universal shame and knowing glances among locals ("There is a tree or trees near us in London that stink of cum… known for its invasive nature and the strong, distinct smell of its white spring blossoms." – Dan, 18:30).
  • "Smells quite spermatic in here today." – Phil, 19:02

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7. Parenting, Childhood Mayhem, and Future Progeny

[19:34 - 23:42]

• Would Dan & Phil Be Good Dads?:

  • Their hypothetical parenting style: project-focused, nervous about accidents, but hoping for a cool kid ("I think our kid would be cool." – Phil, 22:04)

• Dangerous Childhood Exploits:

  • Phil describes setting off cap gun firecrackers and creating childhood pyrotechnic chaos (21:26).
  • Discussion of how their own quirks would mix in a child—fashion, personality, creativity ("If they took the best parts of us, I'm threatened by that now." – Dan, 22:15).

• Modern Parenting Dilemmas:

  • Screen time, fashionable toddlers, and the necessity (?) of a gender-reveal ("Gender reveal. Is it it?" – Dan, 22:50)

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8. Listener Hard Launches: Most Memorable Calls

[26:53 - 30:41]

• Phyllis from Yorkshire proposes a "hard launch" to send all men (except Dan and Phil) to the moon:

  • "Maybe if you, like, blend them up and put them in a tube, you can just like take them up and then eject." – Dan, 27:17

• Megan from Scotland defends her “cracking tits”:

  • "It ain't my fault I got cracking tits. I'm not coming after your man... Maybe backhand him instead." – Megan, 28:44
  • Dan & Phil enthusiastically agree, noting cracked studio equipment from “too powerful tits.”

• Timothy from Washington reveals a podcast-related divorce:

  • "Me and my partner of nine years got into your guys channels and podcasts this year and then he very suddenly divorced me." – Timothy, 30:06
  • Dan: "Yes, Timothy, you will get through this sudden divorce." [30:15]

• Cat Communication Relay:

  • Elle's cat "Angel" meows for Anya's cat, leading the hosts to rebrand the show as “cat hub.”
  • "We are now a communication hub for cats. That is our new brand—cat hub." – Phil, 31:01

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9. Notable Quotes & Unfiltered Banter

• On adult territory after the slap:
  • "You lick me. That's even worse. I'm not licking you back." – Phil, 02:17
• On the Jean Paranoia:
  • "Beans should be described as penis y." – Dan, 03:02
• On strip clubs:
  • "That is the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of in my life." – Dan, 13:51
• On tree scents:
  • "There's no way to say it. I'm so sorry. They're the cum trees." – Dan, 17:57

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – 02:31: The accidental slap incident
• 04:07 – 05:41: Salty fries disaster & hallucinatory night
• 07:50 – 08:09: Baking disasters revisited
• 09:41 – 10:55: KitKat truck heist & chocolate rants
• 12:03 – 13:20: The AI garlic medical advice rabbit hole
• 13:25 – 15:10: Strip club awkwardness explained
• 16:01 – 16:42: Phil’s missing underwear saga
• 18:29 – 19:02: “Cum tree” scientific explanation
• 21:26 – 21:41: Phil's childhood gunpowder experiments
• 26:53 – 30:41: Listener voicemails/hard launches

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Tone & Style

• Signature blend of chaos and cringe: Rapid-fire, sometimes absurd banter oscillates between NSFW humor and geeky pop-cultural asides, laced with sneaky vulnerability.
• Conversational, unfiltered, and hyper-referential: Lots of callbacks, running gags, and knowing winks to both queer culture and YouTube fandom lore.
• Endearingly self-roasting: Dan and Phil poke fun at themselves, each other, and modern life’s weirdest corners.

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Summary Judgment

"Phil gave Dan a salty surprise" is classic HARD LAUNCH: unpredictable, inappropriate, and deeply honest. It veers from slapstick to social critique, sex to strip clubs, and always returns to their comforting (and riotous) dynamic. Even as the episode spins further into chaos, Dan and Phil find ways to connect with their listeners—whether offering solidarity to a sudden divorcee, or simply broadcasting feline communications.

Key takeaway:

"Do not double salt your chips." – Phil, [31:50]

If you like your podcasts dripping with innuendo, sibling-esque bickering, and a generous lashing of oversharing, this episode is unmissable.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Troubling development. We had our first fight, and by that I mean physical fight.

[C]

It's over. Dan accidentally slapped me.

[B]

I was gaming and I was locked in. It was very important chat, okay? And then Phil comes up to me yapping about some nonsense.

[C]

To be fair, I got very close to the mouse.

[B]

You got up in my business, and so I tried to shoo you away. I didn't realize quite how close you were. And I just went, ha. And I fully under chin slapped you.

[C]

You slapped me. Phil goes, I was about to ruin your video game moment.

[B]

We looked at each other agasp by the contact that happened. And I'm into the. I am so sorry.

[C]

But Dan felt so bad, he wanted to give me a free hit back.

[B]

I was like, all right, I don't want to do the whole mind game thing. I don't want you saying, oh, you owe me this for the next three weeks. Yeah, slap me back right fucking now, Phil, if we're gonna get even. Smack me.

[C]

And then I tried, but then I was too scared to do it hard at the same time.

[B]

Hard like violence just does not come easily to Phil. And the problem was Phil kept trying to do it until he thought he'd done it sufficiently hard enough, and it was not. And this is the issue, okay? Phil's like, wait, okay, here we go. No. And I. Come on, Phil, try it one more time. No, I'm scared. One more time. Okay, Phil, you've slapped me three times now, but no, it's not even yet.

[C]

Look, I'm a pacif. And then you goaded me so much,

[B]

I slapped you too hard in my face. I'm like, phil, you fucking hit me. I did you hit me? No, but you actually just hit me.

[C]

So now you've got a token to hit me back. The amount of hit that I hit you.

[B]

Let's do it right now. Oh, here we go. Right? Oh, yeah. Keep it right there. Okay, are we ready?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Phil, you have to close your eyes.

[C]

Okay, I'm ready. What? You lick me. That's even worse. I'm not licking you back.

[B]

Whoa, whoa. Okay, this is turning into adult territory. Stop, stop.

[C]

We're moving on.

[B]

We're even. The end.

[D]

Three, two, one.

[B]

Hard Monday. What's up?

[C]

We're so hard today. Dan is dressed as Evil Easter.

[B]

We're feeling floppy.

[C]

I am dressed as good Easter, which

[B]

for the Spotify listeners that are currently picturing me as Jesus Christ and you as an egg. Do you want to clarify what that is covered in?

[C]

Bun? You are the bunny from hell.

[B]

Uh, yeah, I'm sure that's really helped. Everyone on Apple Music is crying on the bus right now.

[C]

I'm sorry, how else can I describe it? I'm in my penis y jeans again.

[B]

Ooh. No. Beans should be described as penis y.

[C]

I saw something on TikTok about catching print where people are, like, figuring out how big people's penises are based on where the jeans go. And now I'm really paranoid about my gene.

[B]

Wait, I don't. Wait, I don't need these things in my head. You need to explain this to me now.

[C]

It's about where the genes sit. Because if you've got. I don't.

[B]

No, you've said it now. You've said it now. Here we are, crotch visible on the pod. You've got to tell me if some

[C]

things hang a certain level, your jeans are gonna go up less than if it's like pulled up where it's a bit smaller.

[B]

So, Benson, Boone, tiny penis, anyone? That's dropping trout, they need room for the 15 inch cock.

[C]

I mean, Dan, back in the day you were like sagging to the max.

[B]

That is terrifying. Implications for Dan in the three foot penis.

[C]

Back in the day, you just wanted your ass out to the world. Anyway, what am I saying?

[B]

So today's gonna be a rough one because we both got no sleep.

[C]

Again, rough dog.

[B]

It's your fault. We both had what we call the crazy brain, which is when you are up all night trying to sleep and your brain is just going for some reason. And the reason is Phil poisoned us.

[C]

I didn't mean to. We got some fries, we got some burgs. We were having a great time. I like my fries to be salty. There's a thing sometimes in London where they're like, oh, we don't want to season it in case we hurt you. I got the salt out, salted the fries.

[B]

Phil, every single week, re salted them, double salt the fries.

[C]

But it turned out we tried ordering

[B]

from a new establishment. And guys, the potatoes were already seasoned. So when Phil double seasoned the fries. He fucking slugged us.

[C]

I slugged us hard. The problem is, I think all the salt was on the bottom of the fries because they'd dropped it in the box. So then I'd over salted. So last night we had our brains

[B]

were the savannah salt, cray crispy, cracked earth. Absolute nonsense.

[C]

You were singing that fricking German song again.

[B]

Oh, my fucking God. Ein weihne schwitzen die weih watter and einer grosse Katza.

[C]

Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. This is meiner Familia.

[B]

That was me for four and a half fucking hours.

[C]

You were half asleep and I could hear you saying it in your sleep. This is minor familiar.

[B]

I wasn't actually making the noise like that.

[C]

It was kind of like that.

[B]

You were actually disrupting me because Phil was running in bed.

[C]

I was like,

[B]

what were you doing?

[C]

I dreamt a woman injected us with ketamine and put us on a plane. And then she said that she was gonna kill us both and I had to stop her from flying the plane by hitting her over the head with a brick. So I was trying to escape.

[B]

What the fuck?

[C]

I know.

[B]

Okay, no more potatoes for Phil. Cause this is what happens.

[C]

Can I say ketamine? I got in trouble on Instagram for saying cocaine.

[B]

We might have to censor it for YouTube. Okay, you can tell everyone more about drugs on the Patreon if you like.

[C]

Lsd.

[B]

There you go. That's just for you.

[C]

What other ones do? I know? Crack.

[B]

So it is Easter, which is why we're dressed like bunnies.

[C]

Easter Monday.

[B]

Christ has risen.

[C]

Did he rise on the Monday or

[B]

the Sunday he rose? And now it's just like back to work.

[C]

I guess I always forget this. What happened on Sunday? He died.

[B]

No, he came back.

[C]

When did he die?

[B]

Friday.

[C]

And then came back on.

[B]

Why are you giving me the Bible school?

[C]

I don't know. You went to Bible? I didn't go to any Bible.

[B]

Yeah, I did the fucking puppet show. I don't need to remember this Easter Monday. I don't think actually is a thing, though. It's just kind of like we're still riding that Christ high.

[C]

When he came back, was he exactly the same or did he have more powers?

[B]

I cannot answer that question, Phil.

[C]

Did he glow or was he just like, I'm back, I'm in the same clothes, chilling?

[B]

I think he was kind of back. Only spoke to a few people in a very confusing manner that led to lots of gossip. And then he ghosted.

[C]

This is after he'd been in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no pancakes.

[B]

That was a separate incident. And the pancakes is the thing that we do.

[C]

But he had no pancakes. Was that wrong or right, Daniel?

[B]

Jesus had no pancakes.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

But I do think they had the technology to make pancakes. We are gonna have to work out if.

[C]

Did he eat anything in the desert? No.

[B]

No. That is the point.

[C]

Yeah. Not a gopher.

[B]

Can I give up Phil for Lent?

[C]

I'm sorry, Anyone? What's up with that, Christian?

[B]

Phil apologizes.

[C]

I apologize. I just don't know the answers. He makes water into wine. He does all sorts of stuff. So I was wondering what other powers he might have.

[B]

Jesus has raised. Our buns were glazed. We did baking.

[C]

We did baking. Did you like our buns?

[B]

We were also dressed as bunnies. It's bunny week here. Bunny week.

[C]

I like a bunny week.

[B]

We had a lot to make up for because our last Easter baking video was one of the worst crimes against humanity that's ever been committed in the kitchen, which, if you're not aware that the year was, like, 2016. Dan and Phil tried to make meringues. Pastel lemon meringues is what we're making.

[C]

Easter treats.

[B]

How long has this title been Pastel Lemon meringue? Pastel lemon meringues treat. Delicious Extravaganza. Weasel Mouth Friends, Professional baking Channel. We fucked up so spectacularly by opening the oven to check on them that they melted.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And we just ended up filming a bunch of, I don't know, like, colorful egg white crisps.

[C]

They looked disgusting. Gordon Ramsay banned us from all his restaurants. The Earth.

[B]

One of you people took a picture, tweeted it ordonramsay, and made him roast us. So we've got a lot to make up for.

[C]

We were slutty cats last time.

[B]

Hide your boyfriends and set your ovens

[C]

to 200 because we're making femboy banana bread. We had to think of something to wear that was still exciting but not

[B]

slutty to some people. Butlers are slutty. Butler. Butlers are sexualized. Yeah.

[C]

Do you think so?

[B]

100%. Yeah. It's a kink thing.

[C]

Are they sexualized to you when you see a butler? Are you like, oh, yeah, no, I'm

[B]

not interested in that personally, But a lot of people, they want the full service.

[C]

I kind of see it with the bunny tail.

[B]

Bell. Hop, hop on my bell.

[C]

Hop on my bell with your bunny ears on tail on. Let's go.

[B]

Mmo. Final Fantasy xiv, they released a bunny girl playable race.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[B]

And the community revolted, saying, we want bunny boys.

[C]

Give me the sexy bunny boys.

[B]

Something about the little round tail. Perky.

[C]

It is quite perky.

[B]

I don't have one right now. I'm not standing up.

[C]

He does have one right now. You are.

[B]

I agree. More salt on the potatoes next week.

[C]

You are a rabbit right now. You not lie to everyone.

[B]

And we're not gonna say how it's attached.

[C]

No.

[B]

Too early for Richard.

[C]

Yes, but it's not too early for a thing that is here. Ah. Oh. Kit kat. Calamity. 12 tons of kit Kats have been stolen en route from the factory.

[B]

450,000 Kit Kats are loose in the wild.

[C]

What the hell is someone gonna do with 450,000 Kit Kats?

[B]

What is the value?

[C]

Not to get cancelled. But Kit Kats are low key. Not that great either.

[B]

They are low on the tier list. Fuck the Nestle sponsorship.

[C]

If I'm gonna steal a chocolate, it's gonna be a Tony's chocolone.

[B]

Surely lonely. What? Which nobody remembers or gives a shit about.

[C]

No, that's a Mandela effect. I'm not going down.

[B]

It's actually not.

[C]

Who stole the Kit Kats?

[B]

What do they want with them? What is the expiration date on 450,000 KitKats? You've got three weeks to do something. How do you fence half a million fucking Kit Kats in the middle of Europe?

[C]

Conspiracy. They're gon melt them all down into next year's Easter eggs.

[B]

That would explain why they taste so fucking shit.

[C]

Well, Cadbury's taste bad.

[B]

Now they're in shittification of all chocolate.

[C]

They have changed the recipe.

[B]

Of course you can say it, Phil. They were bought by an American company.

[C]

They were.

[B]

America does some things better than other people. Chocolate is not one of them. No, don't come for me, please.

[C]

It tastes way worse. And we used to be known. Phil.

[B]

Okay, say it with your full chest. Go on it.

[C]

We used to be known as the country with the good chocolate.

[B]

Yeah, fuck Belgium.

[C]

Or Switzerland, one of the countries with the. Okay, chocolate. I mean, if we're talking about Belgium now, what do we got?

[B]

The truck is worth more than the Kit Kats.

[C]

Maybe they just wanted the truck and they're just having a snack on the way to.

[B]

If you're gonna steal a truck, do the one with half a billion tons of chocolate in it.

[C]

Maybe it's like they didn't know it was full of KitKats. It's like when someone accidentally takes someone's dog.

[B]

Oh, fuck. We thought we'd heist something good. We've got the KitKat truck.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Maybe the EU is hiding nukes in an unmarked KitKat truck. And so they thought they were heisting the secret diamond, transporting one, and they were like, oh, shit. We actually got the actual Kit Kat truck. That's devastating.

[C]

Not the nukes. Willy Wonka, watch out.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

There's a new flop event in town, the Fort Lauderdale Barbie Dreamfest.

[B]

So people paid $350 to weekend tickets to what turned out to be an empty concrete convention center that had a cardboard dream house and a little bit of astroturf. No. It had a relay race with some cones.

[C]

Why do people keep doing this?

[B]

They book out a breakout room and they had a panel. No one was on the panel talking about anything notable. So people, they flew internationally. Barbie fans go hard, Phil.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

People, they respect it, and they're like, I want to celebrate with my Barbie community friends. And they got the dashcon experience. It was devastating.

[C]

That is devastating. Risky RIM. ChatGPT keeps telling people to put garlic up their ass to boost immunity. Don't listen to ChatGPT.

[B]

These people deserve it.

[C]

Why is it asking them to do that?

[B]

I read the ChatGPT can detect detect if anyone's talking in an authoritative tone. And because it just scrapes the Internet for language, it's just like, oh, they must be a doctor, because they're using full sentences.

[C]

Stop it.

[B]

So you can just be on Reddit, like, shove garlic up your ass, full stop. And they'll go, oh, yeah, this isn't just some Twitter argument. This is the proper grammar of someone giving medical advice that I will now regurgitate to millions of people.

[C]

Don't get medical Advice or use ChatGPT.

[B]

And don't mistake cloves for bulbs. Because you know the one thing that's worse than putting a garlic clove up your ass? Putting an entire garlic bulb up your anus.

[C]

Apparently, rectal garlic boosts the immune system,

[B]

is what they say, according to Reddit. Yeah, I mean, garlic boosts your immune system. There's plenty of ways to do things. You don't need to anally insert it.

[C]

That just feels like a troll comment, like, oh, I'm feeling a bit tired. Shop some garlic up your ass.

[B]

That'd work.

[C]

Give it a go. That'd wake you up.

[B]

Yeah, but you don't need to do that just to boost your immune system.

[C]

Imagine the smell when they fart.

[B]

I don't want to, Richard. All right, well, what a terrible time to be alive.

[C]

That was a really weird. Here's the thing.

[B]

Blame the world. We're just living in it.

[C]

Hello, world.

[B]

We had some friends that went to a strip club.

[C]

We weren't invited. We just got the, like, secondhand law

[B]

because they were straight. So they didn't invite Dan and Phil.

[C]

What's weird to me about strip clubs,

[B]

it's like, I would have had a great time. I'd have been like, yass, drop it.

[C]

But this is not something, like, kind of gay. It's like, oh, bros, let's all go sit next to each other and get boners.

[B]

Don't fucking get sitting in a line with the lads getting horny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That is the gayest fucking thing I've ever heard of in my life.

[C]

We're all so bricked up now.

[B]

Like this podcast. Asses in our face. Hell yeah. Yeah. Look but don't touch. This is fun and not at all weird.

[C]

Interesting. Would we go to a gay strip club?

[B]

We have talked about this. We do not see the appeal in strip clubs. No, we are extremely sex positive. And I would say, Phil, on this porncast.

[C]

Porncast.

[B]

Maybe we'll include that. We will see. Yeah, we're including that. It's the porncast, basically. Phil, I would say you're quite horny.

[C]

I am. What?

[B]

I felt like I am on the podcast. Like, you're not afraid to.

[C]

Well, here's the thing.

[B]

First, we've done that.

[C]

I think maybe I'm feeling the freedom of this podcast format and just reflecting my true personality.

[B]

Terrifying.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And yet the idea of just sitting in a chair while some hot man throws ass, it just seems a bit awkward to us.

[C]

I think maybe it's the social awkwardness

[B]

aspect of it that's like, are we broken, though? Cause, like, lots of humans, they love strip clubs, yet we just think like, oh, yeah, look at that sexy bear on that pole.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Ooh, go down to Twink Corner and, oh, they're doing the splits. I'm just like. I don't know, just seem a bit

[C]

like those tassels, Brian.

[B]

I think I'd just be like, wow, you're in great shape. What a great dancer.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Have a lovely day.

[C]

Maybe we just need to, like, rip the plaster off, try it out.

[B]

Let's go to a gay strip club together.

[C]

No, I was gonna say you should do the lap dance. Now we get lots of views.

[D]

No.

[C]

Grease up the microphone.

[B]

Speaking of strip clubs, Phil's free ballin'.

[C]

I'm commando today, everyone. No, I'm Not. I had to borrow some of Dan's clean underwear because, oh my God, they share clothes. Normally I'm a holiday guy that just leaves all his clothes in the suitcase and gets it out. I'm not putting it.

[B]

You are unorganized. You're chaotic. Phil's got his apocalyptic suitcase all over the floor.

[C]

Dan was like, phil, please, can we just try putting everything in drawers? I was like, fine. I'm gonna spend the first half an hour rather than sitting in the sun. I'm gonna put all my pants and socks in the drawers so that in

[B]

two days you won't go, I can't find my socks. It's like, yeah. Cause you threw them somewhere.

[C]

Gone and bloody. Left all my underwear and socks at the hotel.

[B]

Phil left his entire underwear and sock drawer in the hotel. And obviously for no fucking reason. I'm going away for six days. I'm gonna pack 14 pairs of underwear. I need like a double shit myself accident pack up plan. And I don't know what you need the socks for. You've already said too much on the podcast.

[C]

I took two coats. I don't know what I was doing. I've just got an issue with packing. I want to take everything.

[B]

I've got the 39 kilogram suitcase and I don't know why I'm gonna be here for six days.

[C]

So I hope they're enjoying all that.

[B]

You've lost everything.

[C]

I got my some new ones as well. My new pants.

[B]

If Aussie bum wants to sponsor Phil, get in there now. It's like a life or death situation.

[C]

They've got some tight pants.

[B]

They're barely pants. It's just the elastic.

[C]

It's actually nice. It's like spring cleaning. I'm gonna get a whole new set of underwear and socks now.

[B]

What you gonna go for?

[C]

Maybe I can branch out. I'm always just like the Calvin Klein trunks.

[B]

This time you're gonna be jockstrap.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

G string. Y front thong. Zed cup.

[C]

I'm getting loads of really sexy underwear adverts on Instagram as well.

[B]

Are those weird TEMU pants that have vent. It's like diagram pe steam shoot. And I'm like, what are your dicks doing? This isn't a problem.

[C]

I've encountered bulge and butt enhancing combo.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

So it's got padding on every angle.

[B]

PBL and PBL front and back. Not much ventilation there if there's loads of padding.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

But protected from household tripping incidents.

[C]

Yes. If you fell crotch first into the dishwasher. It bounced you off one of the knives.

[B]

I. Silicone protected me. Yeah. Maybe you should do that.

[C]

What, Just to protect myself from errant bees?

[B]

That's a great YouTube video. I tried Temu's biggest penis enhanc.

[C]

Sure, let's do that.

[B]

And now my lower half has fallen off.

[C]

Let's give it a go. There is a tree or trees near us in London that stink of cum.

[B]

They're the cum trees. There's no way to say it. I'm so sorry.

[C]

It's a specific type of thing. I think it's a pear tree or something. Why are they still making that tree?

[B]

Why are the partridges in it dirty fucking slugs?

[C]

If we all know what it smells

[B]

like, I don't think they should be allowed in towns.

[C]

No. What's going on?

[B]

And it's the knowing look as well. When you're walking with a group of friends and you go. And then it's like, don't pretend. And then one of them looks at you and you're like, I know what you are.

[C]

Is it called the semen tree? What is this tree?

[B]

Layla, you can't ask our producer what is the semen tree?

[C]

I don't feel like we should be googling.

[B]

Semen tree. I'm so.

[C]

Semen tree.

[B]

This is on the work wifi.

[C]

It is the callery pear tree, known

[B]

for its invasive nature and the strong, distinct smell of its white spring blossoms. Yeah, they're springing.

[C]

So Google is calling it the semen tree.

[B]

I thought we were done with here's the thing. But my London has given us this incredible picture of a guy holding his nose trying not to whiff the naughty tree. Charlie Jones knew exactly what he was smelling. And now we know what you are.

[C]

Yes, there's more scientific word for the smell, which is spermatic.

[B]

I didn't need the word spermatic. Vocabulary. I have an extensive vocabulary that didn't need the word spermatic.

[C]

Smells quite spermatic in here today.

[B]

What? You and the strip club. This establishment is indubitably spermatic on this evening Filthy podcast. Can we please. It's time. It's time. We've gone so off the deep end. Richard, help. Richard, please.

[C]

He better not choose something rude.

[B]

Go on.

[C]

No, he's 100% you.

[B]

100%. Fine. What colour I'm gonna get today? Oh, it's a blue ball for Richard.

[C]

He's got blue balls.

[B]

Just one film.

[C]

He's got a blue ball. Ugh. Medium crack.

[B]

Come on, save us. Save us, please. Do you think you'd make A good dad. Aw, Daddy.

[C]

You had to make it weird with the daddy. Yeah, I think we'd both make good dads, because whenever we're given a project, we go into it with our full. I almost said philosies. You don't have a philosope. You have a danussy.

[B]

This is supposed to be the. Richard, please.

[C]

Sorry. But what I'm saying is we really try when we are given a task.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, effort. That counts a little bit. I think results are more important.

[C]

Yeah, true. But we do get good results. Imagine if Terrible Influence Tour was just raising a child.

[B]

Ooh. Who would be a good cop and who would be bad cop?

[C]

I don't think you have cops in a parent relationship. I think you just have.

[B]

All parents are cops.

[C]

No, not the pigs. In my opinion, you should just both be nice.

[B]

Aw. And then your children end up just terrorizing you.

[C]

That's if you just put them in front of an iPad for 12 hours a day.

[B]

I feel like they'd come to me to be like, mmm, Phil wasn't letting us do the something something. And then I'd have to be like, the wise dad. That would be like, well, here's the reason for that.

[C]

Do you really think I'd be the one that's like, you can't do this thing?

[B]

I think you would be all fun and games.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you'd get really tired of their shit, and you'd be like, dan, deal with it. Deal with it. I've had up to here. They keep coming up to me. You need to deal with it.

[C]

I think I'd be a bit nervous about accidents as well. Like, no, you can't climb the cliffs.

[B]

Don't go near the bridge. Don't touch the knife. Don't go near the dishwasher.

[C]

Stay out of that tree.

[B]

Yeah. Yep.

[C]

I used to climb trees that were literally the size of four houses.

[B]

Who let fill up a tree?

[C]

No, literally, I would climb, and the tree would be bending with my weight, and I would just be higher than a house.

[B]

Kids bounce. It's fine.

[C]

That's the thing.

[B]

You got, like, plot armor until you're 14. When you climb shit.

[C]

Me and my brother would get loads. Wait, how do we have gunpowder?

[B]

Okay, so you have a memory of you and your brother doing something explosive.

[C]

Yes. Do you know cap guns?

[B]

Yes. Where you go cap bang and it makes a noise?

[C]

Yeah. Well, these have got these, like, mini little gunpowder pellets in firecracker stuff. We used to put about a hundred of those. Pile them on. Of Each other, cover them in, like, petrol and set them on fire.

[B]

Okay. That's cool.

[C]

Dangerous.

[B]

The petrol is the worst part there.

[C]

I think it was maybe white spirits from my dad's garage.

[B]

That's fucking crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is this why your complexion is the way it is? Yeah.

[C]

We would sellotape fireworks together and let those off. That was also bad. But I think I've got this in my genetics firing vision. My kids would go off and do that.

[B]

Oh, God. Ropes went into the ravine.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think our kid would be cool.

[B]

100%.

[C]

I think our kid would be cooler than us.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

If they took the best parts of

[B]

us, I'm threatened by that now.

[C]

Would they take the best parts or the worst parts of us?

[B]

What is the best and worst part of me?

[C]

Your sense of humor.

[B]

Ooh. Yeah. It depends who you ask.

[C]

Curly hair.

[B]

Okay. You want them to have the curly hair?

[C]

Yeah. Mine's just so, like, out of fashion now.

[B]

Oh, yeah. People are perming.

[C]

I need to straighten it.

[B]

But by the time it's their turn to be a cool teen, it might be severe emo straightening season all over.

[C]

Oh, maybe. I'd hope it would get my creativity it. Wow.

[B]

Not even a they.

[C]

They.

[B]

We're so woke. Our child is not going to be they.

[C]

It's an it.

[B]

It's an it.

[C]

Would we do a gender reveal?

[B]

Gender reveal. Is it it?

[C]

Is it?

[B]

Are you ready? The headlines.

[C]

The cake is green.

[B]

The balloon is just gonna have a concrete block in it. Yeah.

[C]

How much screen time would you let our child have?

[B]

That is so fucking controversial. Is it? I actually don't think the world is ready for.

[C]

Oh, I'd say at least an hour is fine.

[B]

I think you can watch Bluey.

[C]

Yeah, for sure. I think there's certain times, like on a plane, just like the kid on

[B]

the iPad the whole time in case of emergency thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, they're acting up at a wedding. IPad.

[C]

IPad.

[B]

Be free.

[C]

Do you think we dress our kid in a cool way, like, all in black?

[B]

I think we would encourage them to express themselves.

[C]

Yeah, but if they're three, they can't really say, oh, I want that.

[B]

No, they'd look cool as shit. They'd be wearing, like, K pop clothes.

[C]

Okay, sure.

[B]

And then we'd put them into idol school when they're four. I'm kidding.

[C]

And this is how we announce the faby. Well, we did the April Fool's joke last year, so it would have been born now, wouldn't it?

[B]

They, Phil. Jesus Christ.

[C]

Oh, my God. They.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

I mean, there's just. There's nothing to say. Phil got a horrible Instagram ad.

[C]

Oh, shit. Listen, I'm sex positive on this podcast.

[B]

I don't think the kink shaming is the problem. No, it was just the level of detail. Phil got an ad because Mark Zuckerberg knows who you are.

[C]

I'm not searching for this. I think it's because for a thumbnail, I was searching for gay massage pictures for last week's podcast, and that was

[B]

sent to third party cookies and it's gone now.

[C]

Anyway, this is like a lads holiday, and everything's about being a lad, being a bloke watching the football.

[B]

But it was a gay holiday. Yeah, it was a gay holiday experience that was clearly targeted at masculine gay

[C]

men that I don't know they're gay

[B]

yet, that identify culturally as very stereotypically masc. Heterosexual vibes. And the language was very heavy. It's like, we will hold your hand as you come on this gay holiday. But it's not gay.

[C]

We might all be naked. It's a lads trip. We're just lads, but we're naked together.

[B]

And they were like, it's about beer, it's about sports and the peace of mind of knowing you're with other men. And we're like, gay. We found it.

[C]

And there was a line that was like, we might drop our Speedos at some point. But, I mean, everyone just does that. You know what I mean?

[B]

Just a bunch of blokes hanging out naked. That's what it's all about. Bosh. So naturally, we clicked on the ad. Cause we needed to know more.

[C]

I had to know more. There was an art class, and it was like, we'll paint each other. Of course your cock'll be out. But it's not.

[B]

But it's not. So it was like, ugh. Ah, that's a bit flowery.

[C]

Right. I don't want to judge, though, because I feel like everyone's in a certain level.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Your cocks out, comfort with their sexuality. And if this is a way for

[B]

laddy lads, we actually thought it was quite sweet.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I was empathizing with these men, thinking this is their gateway into sensuality. Yeah. This is how they let loose. They're embracing their sexuality, their community, art, drinking, having fun.

[C]

If you've been brought up in this toxically masculine scenario where you haven't had a chance to explore that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is like their little gateway paradise.

[B]

However, red flag, the more we delved, the more info we learned this was not a hotel that had a Yoga retreat program? No, it turned out this was actually just two gay men in their 50s. They had one bedroom, but there was a throttle rate on the website.

[C]

Yeah. It turns out that you are sleeping in their bed and they're on the sofa while this is happening.

[B]

Who's ever slept in a bed with three people and thought, wow, I could do that every night. As not just like a joke or that thing that happened once after a party.

[C]

I feel like, what the fuck does

[B]

the middle person do?

[C]

I think you need a bigger bed if you're gonna be a quadruple or a throuple.

[B]

Polycules. I know you're out there. The 11 person lesbian polycule. Listening to this right now.

[C]

Do you have a bigger bed?

[B]

How does it work?

[C]

Maybe someone can sleep at the bottom like a cat.

[B]

But see, I understand that because then you're making a choice to have the uncomfortable sleep. I'm saying if it's not like a sub dom situation. Is it possible to have three in the bed and for the person in the middle to be comfortable?

[C]

No.

[B]

Phil says no. Okay.

[C]

Sounds like I was saying that for experience.

[B]

So the polycule. Is there anything you'd like to share with the class?

[C]

Not right now. Moving on to you guys for some hard launches.

[B]

Save us from ourselves.

[D]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Phyllis.

[B]

Hi.

[D]

From the general Yorkshire area.

[C]

Yorkshire.

[D]

And I would like to hard launch bringing back. Sending men to the moon.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Got rid of them all by now, except the good ones, I. E. You

[C]

guys send all men to the moon.

[B]

We could be rid of the problem by now. I mean, that's a lot of rockets. It's quite slow. Maybe if you, like, blend them up and put them in a tube, you can just like take them up and then eject.

[C]

This is funny because after you've sent this, they're sending men to the moon today.

[B]

It's been in the news that they're planning to do it soon, and it has been several decades in the making. But it is a fun coincidence.

[C]

I think all of the astronauts should be women to counter out the last one.

[B]

Get Katy Perry back up there.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You thought you had fun with the flower. No. You're living on the moon, lady. Take Trudeau with you.

[C]

We've done the moon.

[B]

We've done the moon. I wanna, like, call me when you're in Neptune.

[C]

Prance on the rings of Saturn.

[B]

That's an asteroid bell. Phil, you're gonna get fucking fucked up.

[C]

Rings.

[B]

Phil was like, I'm so excited for humans to be back on the Moon. Cause then we're gonna get like, HD moon pictures. I'm like, girl, we've had HD moon pictures for quite a while now.

[C]

Dan ruined it. He's like, here's one.

[B]

Let's just Google HD moon pic. There's been robots on the moon for quite a while.

[C]

It's done. We've done it.

[B]

But they're racing to plant flags on distant corners of the moon to mine deep space minerals.

[C]

Phil. Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Are you annoyed that we're gonna die before there's like a Mars colony?

[B]

No, I feel like stuff's gonna get real freaky and weird. I mean, stuff freaky and weird with AI and I think that space travel is gonna be worse.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You know my theory that like, everything that happens in Black mirror will actually happen.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I think that the alien cinematic universe

[C]

is coming is literally.

[B]

Yeah. Just exactly that.

[C]

Also, Earth is pretty cool. There's lots to do here.

[B]

Tell them, Greta.

[C]

There's no bowling in Mars and there never will be. There might be one day, but then you next.

[D]

Hi, I'm Megan from the northeast of Scotland and I am hard lunching that it ain't my fault I got cracking tits. I'm not coming after your man. Stop complaining to me that your man's making comments about my tits. Maybe backhand him instead.

[C]

Oh, stop looking at the tits.

[B]

Not her problem. Can't help it.

[C]

No.

[B]

And they are cracking.

[C]

What was that? Part of the studio just fell off. The tits were too powerful.

[B]

The aura of your cracking tits just made our wall crack. Yeah. The front of those dotty lights just fell off underneath the sticker. Unstuck. Uk. Phil, did you do a little piss?

[C]

I did a small piss.

[B]

If God has said you've got big naturals, it shouldn't be your problem to have to deal with other people being inappropriate.

[C]

No. Be respectful men.

[B]

Or horny lesbians.

[C]

Or horny lesbians.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Keep your eyes up here.

[C]

Do you sometimes wonder how those breasts would feel like if you had them yourself?

[B]

I think that both of us struggle with posture as it is. I think that maybe that would help you actually. Cause you're quite like this. Maybe if you were like that, you'd be fixed.

[C]

I'm gonna sit like this from now on.

[B]

Crowdfund double Fs for Phil.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Next.

[E]

Hi, my name is Timothy. I'm from Washington in the United States and I am hard launching this that me and my partner of nine years got into your guys channels and podcasts this year and then he very suddenly divorced me.

[B]

What?

[E]

So I'VE decided I'm keeping you guys in the divorce I picked up. You will get through this night. And I'm reading it. And I am going to be okay.

[B]

Yes, Timothy, you will get through this sudden divorce.

[C]

Divorce.

[B]

Phil, this is a real fucking thing. This is an actual thing that is happening in their life right now.

[C]

I'm giving you a genuine like.

[B]

Okay, well, I'm glad that you've got my book. Even if we've also got Phil here.

[C]

That sounds stressful to be suddenly divorced, but maybe it's a brand new opportunity in life.

[B]

Yeah, inspiring.

[C]

Imagine if we got divorced. We'd have like all this opportunity in front of us.

[B]

Can we get another? Is there another one? Can we do. Okay. Yes. Emergency four.

[D]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name's Elle and my cat angel wants to talk to Anya from last week's episode.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[E]

Oh.

[B]

Who are these fucking cats that just squeak on demand?

[C]

We are now a communication hub for cats. That is our new brand cat hub.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

It's WhatsApp for cats. This is what this show is now.

[B]

What do you reckon they were saying? Hey, girl, I like the sound of your purr last week. Oh, you sound like you got long whiskers.

[C]

You can ring my bell around the neck.

[B]

That was a nice cat cleanse after the devastating filth that preceded it. Last minute pussy. It saved the day.

[C]

Oh, my God. Stop it.

[B]

Am I right?

[C]

We love cats and vaginas and breasts. This is fucking terrible.

[B]

Right, we're gonna.

[C]

I'm just gonna.

[B]

We're gonna drink loads of water and go to bed. What are you doing?

[C]

I would like.

[B]

It's over.

[C]

I was showing too much ankle hard Monday.

[B]

A bit too hard.

[C]

A bit hard. We're fried. Sorry. Everyone's ears and brains don't.

[B]

Eyes don't. Do not double salt your chips.

[C]

No. That's the rule. But if you want more of this chaos, you can head over to the patreon.com danandphil where we're gonna be talking

[B]

about 15 minutes of bonus yap.

[C]

Dan's straps. What are they for? Your ear just like fell sadly when I said that.

[B]

I'm drooping.

[C]

Thanks. Bye.

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Another pina colada?

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