Phil got drunk and ignored me and I’m mad about it

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil:

"Phil got drunk and ignored me and I’m mad about it"

Release Date: January 26, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

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Episode Overview

In this lively and typically unfiltered episode, Dan and Phil dissect their latest chaotic misadventures—both domestic and social. They launch into candid (and hilarious) accounts of clumsy exploits, hosting woes, and navigating a night out with friends, free-flowing with their signature banter. Phil’s drunken ignorance, a memorable flirtation with a mysterious waiter, and an ultra-nerdy Buffy the Vampire Slayer quiz round out an episode packed with relatable moments, relentless self-roasting, and the kind of oversharing they swear they'll regret.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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Clumsiness Debates & Domestic Drama

[00:30–05:00]

• Dan’s Clumsiness Exposed: Dan admits, “So I am sad to announce that despite how I perceive myself, I'm a clumsy bitch.” (00:30)

  • Phil revels in shifting the clumsy reputation onto Dan; household “incidents” have escalated, with Dan’s epic Indian curry spill being a standout disaster. (“You painted the entire kitchen. Curry went everywhere.” – Phil, 02:42)
  • Dan details his chronic refusal to take multiple trips while carrying things, leading to slapstick disasters: “I refuse to do two trips between anywhere… I will carry all of them at the same time.” (01:29)

• Favor Trade-Offs: The pair debate who pulls their weight domestically; Phil defends his record (“I washed all of the towels and bedding after our friends slept in it.” – 04:44).

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“Gossipy Homosexuals of Manchester” & Hosting Woes

[05:24–08:07]

• Friends Listen… and Gossip: Dan exclaims, “I need to call out the homosexuals of Manchester. You gossipy, backstabbing snitches.” (05:24) after friends confront them about perceived call-outs on the podcast.

• Phil’s Brain Calendar: Phil shocks Dan by never using calendar apps: “He doesn't use the calendar on his phone. He has a brain calendar where he just remembers stuff. And the way that works is you don't fucking remember anything ever.” (07:06–07:08)

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Night Out Adventures: Hunger Games and The Waiter

[08:07–16:00]

• Itinerary & Vibe Check: They hit Canary Wharf, see the Hunger Games play (“It is a story about kids violently… killing each other, coughing up blood.” – Phil, 08:49), and experience the unsettling realism of the performance.

• Waiter Flirtation: Phil becomes fixated on the intense eye contact with a waiter (“We were playing a game of flirtatious chess. He was the knight, I was the rook.” – Phil, 09:45), while Dan reads the waiter’s vibe as “You ruined his night.” (10:14)

• Restaurant Fails: Dan and Phil hilariously blunder their way through using communal serving spoons, and Phil awkwardly claps for a stranger’s sparkler birthday, terrifying the recipient. (“She just looked terrified.” – Dan, 11:42)

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Carnival Games, Gay Panic, & Phil’s Drunk Behavior

[12:22–20:26]

• Fairground Escapades: Describing a boozy trip to a carnival bar, Dan and Phil discover their lack of upper body strength (“Our arms hurt three days later because of the ball throwing that we did for 20 minutes.” – Dan, 13:33).

• Manliest Moment: Dan’s pride spikes when he wins clown balloon mouth in five seconds and earns a fist bump:

  • “I peaked. Yeah. That made up for 10 years of high school trauma.” (15:36)

• Doormen & Alternate Identities: Phil role-plays “Jeff” to swagger past the bouncers. (“I became Jeff.” – Phil, 16:40)

• Germ Phobia in Public: Both confess compulsive use of sanitizer post-pandemic, justifying their behavior: “We were hitting the squirt and rub every 15 seconds walking around that place.” (18:29)

• Phil's Drunk Socializing:

  • Dan confides, “When Phil is drunk, he doesn't acknowledge me.” (19:28)
  • Phil rationalizes with, “I think we're so toxically codependent that you consider me an extension of yourself.” (19:58)
  • This core episode theme is played for laughs but is a real point of mild, mutual frustration.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer Quiz Showdown

[22:15–27:14]

• Birthday Demand: Phil requests a live Buffy quiz for fudge. The nerdy speed round ensues:
  • Phil answers lightning-fast including obscure trivia like Buffy’s home address: “1630 Ravello Drive.” (24:12)
  • Dan tests Phil with deep cuts, including naming British male characters: “Quentin Travers. Giles. Wesley Wyndham Price. Spike. Philip…” (26:30)
  • Phil’s encyclopedic knowledge secures the fudge.

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More Comedy & Tangents: The Olympics, Horse Riding, and Odd Stories

[28:14–32:16]

• Olympic Dreams & Realities:
  • Phil’s alleged triple-jump prowess: “Fourth best in the Rossendale Valley.” (28:36)
  • Discussion of sports, sex at the Olympic village (“Isn't that why they made the beds out of cardboard? To stop them, like, blaming the gays.” – Phil, 28:58), and Phil’s mysterious black snot after horse riding as a child.
  • Tangents evolve into stories about judging talent shows and footballers with coveted Nando's black cards.

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Listener Messages: Fan Confessions & Hot Takes

[32:31–36:39]

• Emma Jean from Indiana admits to adopting the username "Emma Lester" as a youthful, uncritical fan. (32:31)

  • This leads Phil to recall his infamous 2018 self-roast rap: “It’s finally time for my diss track, yo. Watch out bitch, it might be bad for you.” (33:14)

• Lykon from California argues for vigilante justice at self-checkouts: “If the company wants to save money by understaffing their stores, we the people should be allowed to reduce those margins by taking their shit.” (33:46)

• Lisa from Latvia advocates for commando normalization: “All this juicy ass is not being compressed, okay?… Can we not make it a big deal that I just wanna go commando?” (34:29)

  • Leads to a classic D&P tangent on underwear (or lack thereof) under swimwear and pajamas.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan on Overconfidence:
  • “This is hubris. This is what it is. It's man against God. It's me striving too far, too high.” (01:16)
• Phil, Victim of Dan’s Curry Explosion:
  • “Curry explosion, mixed pickle bounced into my eye. I can't even see.” (02:50)
• Dan Calls Out Gossip:
  • “I need to call out the homosexuals of Manchester. You gossipy, backstabbing snitches.” (05:24)
• Phil’s Waiter Romance:
  • “I think we were playing a game of flirtatious chess. He was the knight, I was the rook.” (09:45)
• Phil's Confession:
  • “When Phil is drunk, he doesn’t acknowledge me.” (19:28)
• Dan, Pride Intact:
  • “I peaked. Yeah. That made up for 10 years of high school trauma.” (15:36)
• Phil’s Philosophy:
  • “Don’t compress that juicy ass.” (34:54)

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Timestamps for Essential Segments

• Opening clumsiness & curry disaster: 00:30–05:00
• Friend host drama & Manchester call-out: 05:24–08:07
• Night out, Hunger Games, the waiter: 08:07–16:00
• Carnival games & Phil's drunk behavior: 12:22–20:26
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer quiz: 22:15–27:14
• Olympic reflections & horse stories: 28:14–32:16
• Listener confessions & hot takes: 32:31–36:39

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Tone, Energy & Closing Thoughts

As ever, Dan and Phil fill their hour with self-aware, camp, and unfiltered chaos. The episode is a magical combination of mutual roasts, classic British wit, niche fandom references (Buffy, anyone?), and confessions both petty and profound, laced with their specific comedic rhythm.
Phil’s drunken obliviousness, Dan’s pride in mundane victories, and the earnest relatability of their messiness keep the spirit as high as ever—right alongside their willingness to share it all.

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For new listeners: This episode is a rollicking dose of Dan and Phil at their most candid. If you want laughs, oversharing, and the sense of eavesdropping on your funniest friends’ group chat, queue it up.

Transcript

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[Dan Howell]

So I am sad to announce that despite how I perceive myself, I'm a clumsy bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Dan is more clumsy than me. Official ranking has been achieved.

[Dan Howell]

I don't identify as a clumsy person, but me and Phil recently been keeping track of domestic incidents. And y', all, I've got problems.

[Phil Lester]

I was just sick of that reputation. Cause anyone thinks of me, they're like.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Phil, he's so clumsy. All over the place. Can't trust him. Ripped in shoelaces, tied glasses.

[Phil Lester]

He spilled petrol in his friend's house and nearly set it on fire.

[Dan Howell]

That is the thing that happened.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, that was true.

[Dan Howell]

But Dan, oh, he's so regal and composed and serious. He'd never tripped and spilled curry everywhere, all over the floor, but it happened.

[Phil Lester]

I think you believe that you are never gonna drop anything. That's the thing. You've got ultimate faith in yourself.

[Dan Howell]

Let me tell you people, this is hubris. This is what it is.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

It's man against God. It's me striving too far, too high. My problem is I am a chronic stacker.

[Phil Lester]

You stack too high.

[Dan Howell]

I refuse to do two trips between anywhere. If someone's like, oh, you gotta take the bins out, I will not do two trips. I will carry all of them at the same time. I will create the most terrifying stack of plates. If there's, like, boxes and there's a thing of milk and I've got to carry 4 liters of Fanta up the stairs, I'm just gonna fucking do it like a crazy guy and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

[Phil Lester]

It looks like a Jenga tower. He'll balance a plate on his shoulder from the table. So we'd had a curry and it had.

[Dan Howell]

We had a big, big Indian takeaway, guys. It was a heavy night for Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Every single plate.

[Dan Howell]

No one wants to read the fan fiction about that.

[Phil Lester]

Every single carton, every single dip, which Dan got. 17.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, obviously. We had, like, a mango chutney. We had a tamarind chutney. There was a mixed chili pickle. There was a lime pickle. There was a writer. There was a mint yogurt.

[Phil Lester]

Stop.

[Dan Howell]

There was the Kachumba thing, which is just like the onions.

[Phil Lester]

They get it. It was stacked. They get it to the ceiling.

[Dan Howell]

Don't talk about my dips for 10 minutes.

[Phil Lester]

It was stacked to the ceiling. Dan, walk into the kitchen.

[Dan Howell]

I really thought I could handle it, guys. How many meters do I need to cross to in one fell swoop? Like a king. Clean up the entire curry in one minute.

[Phil Lester]

Instead, you fucking stacked it. You painted the entire kitchen. Curry went everywhere.

[Dan Howell]

I dropped it on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Curry explosion, mixed pickle bounced into my eye. I can't even see.

[Dan Howell]

It was one of those things where you just go, physics. Why did it have to be that? It could have just gone splat and been like a localized disaster. But this shit was like Olympic curling. It went.

[Phil Lester]

It went on the ceiling. Sh. God. It was dripping out of the plug socket.

[Dan Howell]

It was everywhere, bro.

[Phil Lester]

It was everywhere.

[Dan Howell]

And I fell to my knees and wept.

[Phil Lester]

So you are not allowed to stack anymore. I'm putting that on you. In our house, everything must be flat.

[Dan Howell]

It's. It's because you don't help. I'm gonna say that.

[Phil Lester]

You can't say that.

[Dan Howell]

I'm like, phil, we need to take the trash out. It's getting a bit crazy. We've got like 17 bags of recycling that we're just shoving in a cupboard somewhere. And Phil's like, ooh, but we might be seen by one of our neighbors on the street. What if we do a favor? What if I do something and then you do the same thing?

[Phil Lester]

We do a trade off. We have favor, trade offs.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And whatever. So you leave it with me. And therefore I have no choice but to carry eight bags at the same time. And I look like an absolute freak holding these things going.

[Phil Lester]

That is your lazy choice.

[Dan Howell]

That's why people don't. No, because we're the freaky neighbors.

[Phil Lester]

You are carrying nine bin bags and you've got a plate on your head. That's why.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, I'm devastated to not live up to the ideals of who I am in my mind.

[Phil Lester]

No. So now when you think of me, you think, he's not clumsy.

[Dan Howell]

That's. No, that's not true. No, we're both clumsy.

[Phil Lester]

Okay? I'm just less. Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, well, we don't know. Cause you never help. So how's about this for the next month? I do help. Phil will do household chores and I will let you know how clumsy he is. Or not.

[Phil Lester]

Who makes you a lovely coffee every morning when you're tired?

[Dan Howell]

We literally.

[Phil Lester]

That's my trade off.

[Dan Howell]

Two weeks ago in the podcast, we're talking about how I make you coffee in the morning.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, well, who makes.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry with the receipts. Go on. Yeah, next. Exhibit B. I. You're activating law school Danny. Here. Come on, show us the power of English language and linguistics degree.

[Phil Lester]

I washed all of the towels and bedding after our friends slept in it.

[Dan Howell]

True, but you dye them green.

[Phil Lester]

I did fine.

[Dan Howell]

At what cost? 3, 2.

[Phil Lester]

Welcome to Hard Launch, where Dan is wearing a completely normal outfit.

[Dan Howell]

Yup, everything's totally normal. Don't worry. Spotify people.

[Phil Lester]

Anyone listening? He's just dressed in some. Dressed in some.

[Dan Howell]

Now they're absolutely terrified. Yeah, yep, sure. Everything's normal.

[Phil Lester]

Can I give it a slap?

[Dan Howell]

I.

[Phil Lester]

This is just to get people.

[Dan Howell]

That is the worst thing anyone will have ever heard in their lives.

[Phil Lester]

Get people to come watch the video, you know, double dip the audience.

[Dan Howell]

Jesus Christ.

[Phil Lester]

Keep em waiting.

[Dan Howell]

We had friends over. I need to call out the homosexuals of Manchester. You gossipy, backstabbing snitches.

[Phil Lester]

Not our friends, you mean.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, just to be clear.

[Phil Lester]

Stop.

[Dan Howell]

So we had friends over. Friends, unspecific friends that we didn't like, dox or anything like that. No, they come over. First thing one says is, I heard you talk shit about us being in a hot tub on your podcast. Apparently one of you. Yeah, one of you listening to this is a gay living in the city of Manchester, knew who our friends were, walked up to them and said, dan and Phil talked about you on their podcast. They say that you hang out in hot tubs with a bunch of shirtless men all the time and it's boring and they're not like you.

[Phil Lester]

And that wasn't even them that we were talking about. They snitched it hard.

[Dan Howell]

Rats.

[Phil Lester]

But anyone could be listening to the podcast, Dan. That's why you've got to be careful. You're always name dropping people.

[Dan Howell]

Sounds like a them problem.

[Phil Lester]

Who does it?

[Dan Howell]

You guys, this needs to be a safe space. Okay? Okay. This podcast needs to be Dan and Phil's environment to talk mad shit with no repercussions. Okay, maybe like slight repercussions, depending on how mad the shit is.

[Phil Lester]

But, like, generally there's always a repercussion.

[Dan Howell]

And I was offended because I was a good host. You know what I mean? Like, I made up the bed, which was actually the main bed.

[Phil Lester]

I washed the bed.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. But I put the decorative cushions on it. I made up the bed.

[Phil Lester]

You put a cushion on a bed? I see how it is.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

The person with taste and vision has to curate the vibe. I lit the candles, I put the playlist on. That's more important than. Than like being clean or whatever.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I wiped the curry out of the plug socket.

[Dan Howell]

Shut up. But Phil forgot that they were even coming.

[Phil Lester]

Look, I have a calendar in my head. I don't need any other thing.

[Dan Howell]

And usually, do you understand how fucking terrifying it is living and working with Phil? He doesn't use the calendar on his phone.

[Phil Lester]

No. Because I've got it all up here.

[Dan Howell]

He has a brain calendar where he just remembers stuff. And the way that works is you don't fucking remember anything ever. Is it fun living in peace, just completely in the moment, because you genuinely have no fucking clue what your obligations are?

[Phil Lester]

I think it's a good brain training exercise. Cause you've got to write everything down like, oh, what am I doing tomorrow?

[Dan Howell]

Meanwhile, I don't have to, it's just what I do. If I didn't do that, then we would just be living in a constant stream of catastrophic surprises.

[Phil Lester]

I could tell you anything. Ask me something. We were doing last year.

[Dan Howell]

What were we doing last year in February?

[Phil Lester]

We were watching tv.

[Dan Howell]

Shut. Were we on tour? Is that wrong?

[Phil Lester]

We were on tour and we were.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, no, no. So you're wrong because you had a chance.

[Phil Lester]

We were in a dressing room. We were watching tv. I think we were almost in Manchester because we did our Terrible Influence show on my birthday.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, that's true. Phil's birthday is in a couple of weeks and he's gonna get coal because of how he's acting.

[Phil Lester]

I'm acting in a good way.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. So our friends came over and obviously we had to do something fun because me and Phil are fun people that go outside and do stuff.

[Phil Lester]

We planned a good itinerary this time. We went out.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

We went on the town.

[Dan Howell]

We went to the of Canary Wharf, which is where the bank offices are. It's the Wall street of London.

[Phil Lester]

It's very banker y.

[Dan Howell]

Dead ass in the sense that the ass is dead. There's no vibe.

[Phil Lester]

They've tried to vibe it up a bit now, though.

[Dan Howell]

They're trying to gaslight us into thinking that it's a place where humans with souls exist.

[Phil Lester]

Some people live there now. It has a small buzz rather than just being like a work in a moment.

[Dan Howell]

A small buzz like that. One gnat in a room and you're like, where is that bit?

[Phil Lester]

So we planned a good day. We went to see the Hunger Games.

[Dan Howell]

Play Hunger Games live on stage.

[Phil Lester]

It was intense.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. It remind. It is a story about kids violently.

[Phil Lester]

Killing each other, coughing up blood.

[Dan Howell]

And when you're watching it on tv, it's like, oh, that's funny. Good for you, Jennifer Lawrence. But when there's like actors writhing around on the floor screaming with a prosthetic leg wound, I found it quite harrowing.

[Phil Lester]

It was quite harrowing. But I had a good time.

[Dan Howell]

We went out for dinner to a restaurant. I don't know why I'm clarifying. A restaurant?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Where else did we eat?

[Dan Howell]

Like raccoons? We ate out of Da Bin.

[Phil Lester]

Dan got jealous. Cause a waiter might have been in love with me.

[Advertisement Voice]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

We had the most intense eye contact.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. He was channeling a vibe. There was something about this waiter. I don't know what was up.

[Phil Lester]

You said it was mysterious.

[Dan Howell]

He scared me. I was going for, we've done something to offend him. This waiter hates us.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's mind went to he wants to fuck.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And just me. He's not even looking at Dan. And the whole night he kept going, he's giving me the eyes. He's giving me the eyes.

[Phil Lester]

I think we were playing a game of flirtatious chess. He was the knight, I was the rook. We were moving in different directions towards the common goal.

[Dan Howell]

I really think he was just trying to be like, here's your tendies.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't say the.

[Dan Howell]

You were writing a fan fiction multiverse in your head.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't say the common goal was anything rude. It might have just been psychological.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, so he just lives on the thrill of having flirtatious mind games with his guests.

[Phil Lester]

And I enjoyed that mind game. We were inside each other's minds.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Jesus. I think it's just because you asked him a really annoying question about not wanting mushrooms and you ruined his night.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think that's what it was?

[Dan Howell]

We totally ruined a date next to us, though, because there was like a nice romantic couple that were trying to have a special occasion.

[Phil Lester]

I think we improved their night because here's the thing, which is not the segment we're doing right now. Here's the other thing.

[Dan Howell]

Here's the weird news. Dan and Phil went out. Dan and Phil have friends?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was eye fucking a waiter for two hours.

[Phil Lester]

I was not eye fucking when he.

[Dan Howell]

Was eye stabbing me. Scared me.

[Phil Lester]

Because he didn't like you. Because he wanted the pee. He didn't want the d. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

No piss in the restaurant.

[Phil Lester]

The P. Ah.

[Dan Howell]

Ruined the no piss challenge.

[Phil Lester]

You ruined it.

[Dan Howell]

I really think that he was maybe.

[Phil Lester]

Just strange he might listen to the podcast. This is what I say about name dropping.

[Dan Howell]

I can't live in a world where we're scared of people living to the.

[Phil Lester]

Podcast page interview about all of the.

[Dan Howell]

Gossipy, uncontrollable homosexuals of Manchester.

[Phil Lester]

He might not have cared about me in this.

[Dan Howell]

He's not going to speak to the Telegraph about Dan and Phil's meal.

[Phil Lester]

Well, how did we ruin these people's lives anyway? There was an awkward moment in the restaurant because this is what I think should happen. When someone has a birthday with a sparkler and a cake next to you, you should clap for them. They had their moment together, the sparkler fizzled out and I went, nobody else.

[Dan Howell]

This is not a TGI Friday look.

[Phil Lester]

Nobody else clapped.

[Dan Howell]

The vibe was not giving. Hoot and holler for this person's cake.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

She was literally scared by Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I was joining in.

[Dan Howell]

No one sang.

[Phil Lester]

No one sang. But they had a little, like, birthday.

[Dan Howell]

The waiter came over, gave it. The husband was like, than, yeah, really special night. And then you went right next to them and they both shit themselves. They literally shit themselves. And then she just looked terrified.

[Phil Lester]

What did she think I was clapping for?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know.

[Phil Lester]

This is what's gonna be happening later, if you're lucky.

[Dan Howell]

We also embarrassed ourselves with the serving spoons.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

They left a knife and spoon in the middle of the table and we were like, why is this for? We're so silly. They set the table for someone else. And at the end, the waiter went, oh, the food that was in the middle. You were supposed to serve yourself with this cutlery. Instead, we were just picking up the plates and just, like, shoveling it off. Like feral donkeys.

[Phil Lester]

Filthy people.

[Dan Howell]

Can't take us anywhere.

[Phil Lester]

Slathering over each other's forks like hogs.

[Dan Howell]

You're thinking about the waiter when you say that, aren't you? We went out for some merriment. There's a place that does carnival games, which is a fun idea, I think it's a bar. And then you do all the shit that you do at carnival, like picking up ducks with a stick.

[Phil Lester]

Fairground.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck the Americans listening.

[Phil Lester]

Right?

[Dan Howell]

Lest I try to help them understand what we're talking about.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, fairground games where, you know, shoot.

[Dan Howell]

Targets, throw balls, cloon clown balloon mouth.

[Phil Lester]

I love the clune. Clown mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck you. So we went and we had a couple of drinks.

[Phil Lester]

I had Too many drinks.

[Dan Howell]

A lot of these games involved throwing balls at objects. And me and Phil didn't realize it was exercise.

[Phil Lester]

I would not do this after a heavy meal because I felt sick after the first game, which was throwing loads of balls into a bin. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You didn't need to try as hard as you did.

[Phil Lester]

I tried so hard and I lost every game. I felt like such a loser. Four homosexuals and I was the worst thrower.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, because they're muscly gym.

[Phil Lester]

They're muscly. You're not a muscly gym gay. Why can you throw in a straight line?

[Dan Howell]

I went to the gym once. Oh, no. If we're being honest. Twunk, update. Me and Phil. Our arms hurt three days later because of the ball throwing that we did for 20 minutes.

[Phil Lester]

So you gotta throw these balls at like milk cartons and stuff and knock them down. I did it for two minutes and now my arm is killing.

[Dan Howell]

It's the first time you've ever used the muscle.

[Phil Lester]

It is my first throw of my life and I flopped.

[Dan Howell]

I did really good at one, though. You did, because there was a guy in front of us and he was shooting water out of a gun into the mouth of a clown, which inflated a balloon, which sounds like a lot of people's night terror or fantasy.

[Phil Lester]

Inflate my balloon, Pennywise. I'll meet you behind the. What?

[Dan Howell]

I am peaceless. Yeah, in a way. And this guy. You have a minute to do it. And someone did it in 29 seconds. And he stood up and he was like. I would say that vibe was moderately heterosexual.

[Phil Lester]

Laddy lad.

[Dan Howell]

Groups of men, groups of girls. A lot of first time Tinder dates.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like we were the only gays in the fairground.

[Dan Howell]

The village, as it were.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And everyone was like, damn, that guy's so cool. He did it in less than half the time. And then I did it five seconds.

[Phil Lester]

Dan got a fist bump off the manliest guy in the room.

[Dan Howell]

The man stood behind us. Well, actually, I turned around and he went, well, that was. Well, going forward. And then he did that.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, the man shake.

[Dan Howell]

Which for the listeners is the man shake. And I don't know how to do that.

[Phil Lester]

Let's do it. You just go like, come on.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, bad the hand. Why do I have to turn?

[Phil Lester]

Make it easy for me. This way, this way. Come on, lady.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I don't know. Was that right?

[Phil Lester]

That was right. Anyway, he didn't notice that. And then you fisted each.

[Dan Howell]

I, to be fair, asserted dominance. I was confident in the moment. And in a split second I just thought, I'm not doing that. So I just went like this with my hand. And then I looked at him like, I'm stood here and I've got the fist bump ready. So now if it's awkward, it's on you. You gotta meet me where I'm at, because I'm here. I have a mullet. I'm like 6 foot 4, I'm wearing cunty shoes and I've got a hoop earring. If you haven't clocked the T, then that's on you.

[Phil Lester]

Was that like the best moment of your life?

[Dan Howell]

I peaked. Yeah. That made up for 10 years of high school trauma.

[Phil Lester]

I would be living that over and over again in my head at night. I would just remember that moment and I would just feel good again.

[Dan Howell]

Are you talking about the waiter?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I wonder if he's got a funny podcast banter.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe he's got a waiter podcast where he talks about his annoying guests. Like us.

[Dan Howell]

Phil had a total freak out trying to just get in past the doorman. I don't know why.

[Phil Lester]

Right. None of our friends brought ID. To be fair, they don't look 18. They look like men.

[Dan Howell]

But I get ID'd by the Tesco delivery person. Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Dan has a baby face. And you've lost your id. It's somewhere.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. I think I dropped it somewhere like a year ago. It's fine.

[Phil Lester]

It's in the Washington.

[Dan Howell]

I don't actually know how to drive anymore.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, so he's lost his id. So when we're going to a place, especially on a Laddie Saturday night, there's usually a bouncer on the door and they'll just ID everyone. So I had to. I do put on my biggest macho, manly.

[Dan Howell]

No, no. There was actually no reason for this. Phil created an entire alternate personality. For the 15 seconds he was walking past this doorman, I saw him blink, take a breath, like, get his body physicality into place.

[Phil Lester]

I became Jeff.

[Dan Howell]

He walked up with a certain amount of confidence, as if he was expecting to walk past and went, alright. And I was just like, bitch, shut the fu. Who. What is this?

[Phil Lester]

Alright, alright, alright. That's what I did.

[Dan Howell]

And he went like, you were fucking Mission impossible. I was trying to break into something. He doesn't care.

[Phil Lester]

I was straight in that moment. I was 47.

[Dan Howell]

Why did you need to be straight to be not 18?

[Phil Lester]

Because I'm young and magical and I don't age.

[Dan Howell]

But being gay keeps you fresh.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. When I'm straight. I'm 47 and I've got this lass on my arm a bit.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, we'll see about that.

[Phil Lester]

A bit of.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry. What a slice of meat.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Are you gonna say something?

[Phil Lester]

No, I was gonna say something nice. Go on then, my pretty angel. Claire. Claire.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not a Claire. I'm not a Claire. No, absolutely. I will say, I don't know if this is post Covid or if it's actually who we've always been. Yeah, and Phil are very germ conscious.

[Phil Lester]

I've got the hand. Germ ick.

[Dan Howell]

If you were on public transport, like, we know the tube is diseased. It's a petri dish. It's feral. When we come home, scrub a dub dub. You know when they said, oh, you need to wash your hands for 30 seconds? We actually hitting the 31 second.

[Phil Lester]

But this place, you're touching people's balls. Oh, my God. You're touching balls.

[Dan Howell]

You are sticky balls. And then you're touching hands on water pistols.

[Phil Lester]

Touching a basketball.

[Dan Howell]

Candy floss.

[Phil Lester]

Eating the snack.

[Dan Howell]

Basketball through the hoop.

[Phil Lester]

Touching your mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Skeeball.

[Phil Lester]

Finger in my mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Finger up the Tinder dates.

[Phil Lester]

Bum finger in there. It's just all everywhere, everywhere. Everyone's fingers have been everywhere now, I.

[Dan Howell]

Think since COVID They had those, like, hand gel pumps on the wall.

[Phil Lester]

I did nine pumps.

[Dan Howell]

I love those things. You can tell when you go to a crusty one when it's like, no one actually used this during COVID because it just comes out with a little like.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And we were hitting the squirt and rub every 15 seconds walking around that place. And we thought, are we weird? No, no, it's the other people.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

And also, people can't read signs. A lot of these games said you can throw 10 balls into the skeeball machine and then your round is over. And people would just go into a frenzy and just lob balls at this thing for a minute.

[Phil Lester]

It's. Cause they're all drunk out their head. They don't know what game they're playing.

[Dan Howell]

They're not gonna remember that Tinder darling.

[Phil Lester]

They're not gonna remember. The funniest one they had was there was a horse race and you had to roll balls into a hole to make your horse gallop. And then they had a man go and fills in the lead with the horse.

[Dan Howell]

A man had to stand there just narrating a bunch of drunk Tinder dates, horse racing games for 12 hours.

[Phil Lester]

I would do that as a job. I'd love that. Off your trot And Dan's coming in last. Cause he can't throw the ball in the hole.

[Dan Howell]

Personal attack. Phil was quite annoying that night. No, not just cause of the waiter thing. So here's something that I don't encounter a lot, but it's real and definitely happened.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

When Phil is drunk, he doesn't acknowledge me.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

We'll be out with a group of people, and I'll be like, hey, Phil, something something. And he'll literally go, dan.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So anyway, what's the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I wish. Excuse me.

[Phil Lester]

I think it's because you speak in the tone. We've already spoken about this. When Dan speaks in a room that's really loud, he's just like, no, no, you heard me.

[Dan Howell]

I'll tell you what it is, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Beep, beep, beep.

[Dan Howell]

You don't consider me a real person.

[Phil Lester]

I do.

[Dan Howell]

No. I think we're so toxically codependent that you consider me an extension of yourself. So when you are drunk in the moment and I natter at you, you're like, that's just Dan. So I don't actually need to respond to that because he's fine, and I'm not interested in what he said. So I don't need to pretend that I am because I'm actually. I'm part of this conversation with this cool guy.

[Phil Lester]

So I'm so focused on entertaining our friends or speaking to a waiter that I'm not listening to.

[Dan Howell]

You going to literally phase me?

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry, Going?

[Dan Howell]

What, you mean making a beautiful philosophical point about what it means to be alive in any given moment?

[Phil Lester]

That's what I hear. But I'm gonna try and hear your beautiful tones.

[Dan Howell]

Sure.

[Phil Lester]

You do that too, though, sometimes.

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[Dan Howell]

So, because this is Phil's special day, even though it's his birthday in two weeks. Steve, Jesus Christ. He said that not only do I have to wear his choice garish outfit, you might be.

[Phil Lester]

Wait, these are just inspect.

[Dan Howell]

Am I flashing hole?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, flashing a little bit.

[Dan Howell]

No, it's fine. It's just a tasteful bit of inner thigh.

[Phil Lester]

Tasteful bit of deep thigh.

[Dan Howell]

It's. Oh, God.

[Phil Lester]

A crevasse.

[Dan Howell]

Cravass. Wait, where's the ba dum tss? I was going to. Phil demanded that not only for the podcast listeners do I wear a completely normal outfit, but I also give him a quiz on his favorite show.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, I've always wanted to have a Buffy quiz and get everything right. And then people are like, wow, he's so good at this quiz.

[Dan Howell]

You know that celebrity mastermind's on all the time and you could just apply and then they'd let you on.

[Phil Lester]

I know, but the bar isn't that bad. That's scary. And this is fun.

[Dan Howell]

That involves leaving the house. There's no sexy waiter there. Just some guy.

[Phil Lester]

You could be the sexy waiter of this situation. We need to get some like, bom, bom, bom bom. Music. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, it needs to be this.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

We'll use the.

[Dan Howell]

Here's the thing. Colors.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. What do I get if I win?

[Dan Howell]

Philip Michael Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Where'd you get that out?

[Dan Howell]

I got you deep in his box of fudge.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. I love fudge.

[Dan Howell]

There are seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

[Phil Lester]

There is.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna ask you seven questions, okay? If you don't get at least six of them right, then you do not get the fudge.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I wanna.

[Dan Howell]

Give me the fucking fudge. Wait, I'm just saying it's not a present. It's not a present.

[Phil Lester]

It's candy cane flavored Christmas fudge. That's my favorite kind.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I might have meant to give this to someone else for Christmas, but now it' potential re gift. Okay. My mouth there as to tease you.

[Phil Lester]

I've got this. I've got this.

[Dan Howell]

Are you in the zone? Buffy the Vampire Slayer show about American high schoolers. It's the perfect 90s show.

[Phil Lester]

That's your description of Buffy? It's a show about American high schoolers.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

One girl of all the world is chosen to protect us from the demons, the vampires, and the forces of evil. She is the Slayer.

[Dan Howell]

It's good.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Hey, are you in the zone?

[Phil Lester]

We'll do a speed round. Yeah, I'm gonna knock this out.

[Dan Howell]

And for the podcast listeners, that was him clapping his own hands, not whatever noise keeps happening on the dancer that.

[Phil Lester]

Was clapping the cheeks of my own brain.

[Dan Howell]

Are you ready?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Doxx her. Phil, where Does Buffy live?

[Phil Lester]

1630 Ravello Drive.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck?

[Phil Lester]

Is that right? Yes, I know he's right.

[Dan Howell]

That was so quick.

[Phil Lester]

Keep it coming.

[Dan Howell]

What do you mean, gay? What was the first episode with lesbian witch overtones?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that would be Doppelgang Land. When Willow arrives and they say she's.

[Dan Howell]

Kind of gay, but I said lesbian witch overtones.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, when Tara arrives.

[Dan Howell]

I need it to be a collaboratively gay situation. This is the hard launch podcast.

[Phil Lester]

That is the episode Hush when Tara is first seen.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I would have accepted Hush or New Moon Rising when they actually acted upon the gay, But Hush is the first time they held hands and made magic with their eyes. Furries. Where did Oz the werewolf move in order to learn to control his spooky side?

[Phil Lester]

Wait, he moved?

[Dan Howell]

He, liked, left town. Where did he go?

[Phil Lester]

He left town.

[Dan Howell]

Three.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Wait.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Wait.

[Phil Lester]

No. Help.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no. Sorry. That was the gay sound. We don't really have a. I'm just gonna hit you with the.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it's something like Yemen.

[Dan Howell]

Tibet.

[Phil Lester]

Tibet.

[Dan Howell]

Close enough, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I knew there was a monk f in the chat.

[Dan Howell]

How many teachers died at Sunnydale High?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, Ms. Callender.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Principal Flutie.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Principal Snyder.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Yep.

[Dan Howell]

And two died in the same episode.

[Phil Lester]

Two more teachers.

[Dan Howell]

It was season one, and let's just say the deaths were related.

[Phil Lester]

The praying mantis teacher and the science teacher that the praying mantis ate.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And to anyone else that's listening, they're like, I thought this was a show about vampires and witches. Why was there a teacher that was a praying mantis. Just get through season one and just finish that episode.

[Phil Lester]

You'll be fine.

[Dan Howell]

Finish that tune. This is from the musical episode Phil. Okay, okay. And since I'm only dear to you.

[Phil Lester]

I'm saying stay away and let me rest in peace. Yep.

[Advertisement Voice]

Very true.

[Phil Lester]

There's a musical episode. It's so good, I have to say penetration. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Which of these objects did Buffy not stake someone with? A fence post, a pool cue, an umbrella, a whole crucifix?

[Phil Lester]

An umbrella? She's not killed someone with an umbrella. They're not made of wood.

[Dan Howell]

Has she not.

[Phil Lester]

She got a Class Protector award, which was a mini umbrella.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. He's going for the bonus question. Yeah, you're right. You don't get bonus points.

[Phil Lester]

Points.

[Dan Howell]

And last one.

[Advertisement Voice]

Last one.

[Phil Lester]

Are you ready? I'm ready.

[Dan Howell]

The fudge is here.

[Phil Lester]

My mouth is leaking.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. You what, mate?

[Phil Lester]

You what?

[Dan Howell]

Name at least five named British male characters that appear in the series.

[Phil Lester]

British male characters. Quentin Travers. Giles. Yeah. Wesley. Wyndham Price.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Two more British people. Spike.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

And Drusilla.

[Dan Howell]

British male. British male.

[Phil Lester]

Another British person. Oh, my God. Wait.

[Dan Howell]

The Watcher Cinematic Universe.

[Phil Lester]

The Watcher Cinematic Universe.

[Dan Howell]

People from Giles Life.

[Phil Lester]

Philip.

[Dan Howell]

Who the fuck is Philip?

[Phil Lester]

There's a character called Philip. He's British.

[Dan Howell]

Don't make me Google that.

[Phil Lester]

He gets possessed by the demon called Igon and then dies.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, I wrote Ethan Rain or Weatherby, but now I'm gonna have to Google Igon. It is correct.

[Phil Lester]

It's correct.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Give me that fudge, lad.

[Dan Howell]

Take it yourself.

[Phil Lester]

No, I want you to hand it to me.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

And then say, well done. You're the best person at this game.

[Dan Howell]

When I pull this red ball, you are gonna have the craziest fucking day of your life. I swear to God. Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. Fudge. Oh, it looks great.

[Dan Howell]

Right, let's bring her in. I want revenge.

[Phil Lester]

Riccardio.

[Dan Howell]

Welcome. Ricciadina.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that looks like you're naked now. On the camera. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

The podcast listeners are thinking, why does Dan look naked? Oh, heated Rivalry season two is taking a weird turn.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna get demonetized based on the algorithm.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, 100%. This can't be a TikTok clip. You know how strict that thing is. You are gonna have to do this. I'll pull that ball while standing up.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go. It's a pink one.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no, it's not a red ball. It's rigged in Dan's not favor. Get her out of here. Thanks, lad.

[Phil Lester]

Ready for the pop?

[Advertisement Voice]

Yep.

[Dan Howell]

That was a crispy one.

[Phil Lester]

The Olympics.

[Dan Howell]

Aw, A nice moment where humanity comes together. Except isn't the IOC like, super corrupt and problematic?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know anything about that. I could have been in the Olympics. I was a great. Listen, I was a great triple jumper at school. Fourth best. Oh, so if I'd have.

[Dan Howell]

Well, the fourth best in the Rossendale Valley.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, If I'd have cultivated and marinated on that skill, I would have.

[Dan Howell]

I want to see the anime about that.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Phil the triple jumper hopping all over that Olympic Village.

[Dan Howell]

You're just talking about the grinder activity now, aren't you?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

That is the main thing I think of now that that truth has been.

[Phil Lester]

Revealed, that they're all grindering and banging.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And the Olympic villagers are always just a piece of wood on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Isn't that why they made the beds out of cardboard? To stop them, like, blaming the gays.

[Dan Howell]

For having a stingy budget? And once again, that was Phil clapping. Not the sound of me doing. Oh my God.

[Advertisement Voice]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

How's it feel? How's it feel to do that with your body?

[Dan Howell]

Can Hudson Williams just like, do this?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, he does that every morning.

[Dan Howell]

Can you pick stuff up with it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. In the mirror.

[Dan Howell]

And to the listeners. That was fucked up. What were we talking about there?

[Phil Lester]

Okay, so I heard that they have cardboard beds so that they don't have sex on the beds.

[Dan Howell]

Homophobia. And maybe also like, whatever the straight version is.

[Phil Lester]

Well, surely it like, gives you a bit of, like, Olympic spirit knowing that you've had sex the day before. Or maybe it's the opposite and you shouldn't because then you're all revved up and ready to jump.

[Dan Howell]

How did we end up here?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

So quickly.

[Phil Lester]

We should respect the sports people of our nation.

[Dan Howell]

And maybe also other nations. Fuck em.

[Phil Lester]

What Olympic do you like to watch?

[Dan Howell]

Put that down. They do figure skating, right? Yeah, 100%. I log in for that one.

[Phil Lester]

That's a great one. I like the gymnastics. Lots of spinning, lots of bouncing.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

That's exciting.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot of running. I guess there's like the most important ones, but there's a lot of.

[Phil Lester]

There's a lot of that. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot of swimming as well. I mean, we've watched like a whole swimming anime for six years, but there's so many different swimmings.

[Phil Lester]

The horse one is crazy.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, what are they doing on that horse?

[Dan Howell]

What are we doing here? Phil could do that.

[Phil Lester]

Obviously.

[Dan Howell]

Dressage is a fine art.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Lots of training involved. I'm just saying that Phil. Oh, no. Phil couldn't control the horse. But you could do a trot.

[Phil Lester]

I could trot.

[Dan Howell]

Go on. You would give us a dainty trot?

[Phil Lester]

I've horsed before.

[Dan Howell]

So many.

[Phil Lester]

You've never horsed? I've been on a horse.

[Dan Howell]

And how did it go?

[Phil Lester]

It was my steed. We galloped. I got loads of black.

[Dan Howell]

That's your dream about the waiter?

[Phil Lester]

Still no.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

But when I blow my nose afterwards, loads of black stuff came out.

[Dan Howell]

What were you Doing to the horse.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know why that happened. I thought that might have been a horse thing. I've not been on a horse since.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, okay. Fuck the Olympics. Can we get some horse girls in.

[Phil Lester]

The chat telling us why your nose blow is black?

[Dan Howell]

That happened to Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I had a weird situation where I went to the Olympics, but I was being a judge in a talent competition.

[Dan Howell]

With a football in like a funny way.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

What?

[Phil Lester]

What do you mean in a funny way?

[Dan Howell]

Go on.

[Phil Lester]

I was Simon Cowell. Right. And I had to watch all of these people do these acts.

[Dan Howell]

How high waisted were your jeans?

[Phil Lester]

They were pretty high waisted. Black toilet paper guy on a unicycle sus facelift. There was loads of like singing acts. There was a footballer bouncing some balls up and down, but I was like, I don't have any talent. Why am I judging these people on their unicycle skills?

[Dan Howell]

Because they were available and none of the other judges, according to you, could string a sentence together or make a decision. So you ended up taking over the group and saying, we need to talk about. The footballer was way more talented than the ribbon thrower.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

The person that did the handstand just wasn't taking it seriously. So we need to give it to this person.

[Phil Lester]

The footballer I was with showed me something though. His Nando's black card. He got it out. I saw it in person. Unlimited Nando's for that guy.

[Dan Howell]

What did you win? If you won this talent show that.

[Phil Lester]

You judged, I think you could go to Rio de Janeiro.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck were you like? Can I have that as a judge? I know.

[Phil Lester]

I don't even know what I got. But I did get taken to Nando's by the footballer.

[Dan Howell]

Wow.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Write a fanfic about that. 400 chapters incoming.

[Phil Lester]

Nibbled on that chicken breast.

[Dan Howell]

All right, can we get some listener messages maybe? Let's go get a welcome distraction from our audience. Thank you to everybody. Sending in the things that you want to get off your chest to enable you to live fully and confidently in your truth.

[Listener Emma Jean]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Emma Jean. I am from Lebanon, Indiana, and I'm hard launching that. My younger self had no critical thinking skills. So I was a big fan of film. Hi, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Damn, I saw you, buddy.

[Listener Emma Jean]

And on every social media account, I. I put my name as Emma Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Listener Emma Jean]

Emma Le. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Emma Lester.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I understand how you ended up here. That's just really unfortunate.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I'm Philip M. Lester. We've talked about this in the Wrap. It's not an ideal name to be honest.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, the rap. In case there's any new listeners, Phil did a rap. He did a self roasting rap at the end of our 2018 stage show.

[Phil Lester]

My name is Phil Lester. Thankfully not Mo.

[Dan Howell]

It's finally time for my diss track, yo. Well watch out bitch, it might be bad for you.

[Phil Lester]

And the big thing about that was I'd never sworn on the Internet before, so to say Phil saying bitch.

[Dan Howell]

In 2018, the tweens were shaking huge.

[Phil Lester]

The biggest thanks to Lena Bo. It's finally time to make my disk. Yo. You thought I was the innocent to roast myself? Well, watch out, bitch.

[Dan Howell]

If I do that, you're godless act live in the Microsoft theater.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Guest or Additional Speaker]

Hi, my name's Lykon. I'm from California, USA and I'd like to hard launch that. If you're at self checkout, you can't get something to scan and no one's around to help you, you should be allowed to just take it. If the company wants to save money by understaffing their stores, we the people should be allowed to reduce those margins by taking their shit. Also, fuck large corporations.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa, hey.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, Clanker. Gave you a chance. Give me my bananas. Nope. That's a you problem.

[Phil Lester]

I agree. We should not be reducing the workforce with machines.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. So if the machines can't do their job, you're fucked up. Sorry, Sainsman.

[Phil Lester]

And it's always like, oh, it's not the right. It didn't weigh right.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you didn't put it in the bagging area. I did.

[Phil Lester]

It's in the bagging area. I'll put you in the bagging area.

[Dan Howell]

Get help. If I have to get help, then why have you replaced a person?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Can we condone stealing from the shop though? Sure.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Listener Lisa]

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Lisa from Latvia and I want to hard launch. Going commando. Normalize. Going commando. There is no reason why we have to wear underwear every single day. All this juicy ass is not being compressed, okay? You're letting the things that need to breathe breathe. Can we not make it a big deal that I just wanna go commando?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, some juices need to be compressed.

[Phil Lester]

Don't compress that juicy ass.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, free the ass. Free the ass, but compress the juice.

[Phil Lester]

I'm glad you're not commando today. Cause that would be a squeaky situation for you.

[Dan Howell]

100%.

[Phil Lester]

How often do you free ball?

[Dan Howell]

Very not often. I've got to be completely real with you. I'm gonna say Unless I've had some kind of accident. Whoa. Which has also not happened. But it would. And you know, then you just have to.

[Phil Lester]

Something I do do, which some people don't. Do not do. Is.

[Dan Howell]

Professional talkers over here on the mail podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Get me on a news channel.

[Dan Howell]

I judge someone's talent.

[Phil Lester]

Go, Commander. In my swimming trunks and swimming shoes. No. A lot of people wear their underwear under it. It's like a 50%. 50, 50 thing.

[Dan Howell]

Who are the 50% of people that wear their dry land underwear under their swimwear?

[Phil Lester]

That's what the netting's for. To hold it all into place in the boy one.

[Dan Howell]

Is it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Is it?

[Phil Lester]

That's why there's netting.

[Dan Howell]

I need to speak to big Trunk and ask what the netting for?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You're not bold for free balling under your swimming costume. No, that doesn't count.

[Phil Lester]

I also go commando under my Minecraft pajamas. Like, I don't wear my underwear to bed. And that on top.

[Dan Howell]

You know when people go back to old pictures of us and they go, they were boyfriends here, they're now gonna go back and be like, phil was commando here, and I probably won't in his pajamas. Is that why you don't answer the Post on a Saturday morning?

[Phil Lester]

I mean, it can be a bit revealing sometimes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Is it always more comfortable? Depends what you're wearing. For me right now, I would be very sad. So I'm gonna give you a strong maybe, depending on what you're wearing.

[Phil Lester]

Not in jeans. I feel like I need the protective layer with the jeans.

[Dan Howell]

Please tell us in detail more objects of clothing that you would not feel comfortable to wear naked.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

I was joking. Next.

[Phil Lester]

There is no next.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. I'm doing a fill.

[Phil Lester]

We hardly.

[Dan Howell]

I don't like this conversation. Next.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I guess that's it for this week. Thank you all. This has been really fun. Not at all emotionally or physically uncomfortable for me.

[Phil Lester]

I'm glad.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna go find a waiter in Canary Wharf and have a hard, long conversation with him.

[Phil Lester]

A hard, long conversation about what?

[Dan Howell]

Bye.

[Phil Lester]

Bye.