Phil has been texting his ex

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Phil has been texting his ex"
Date: November 17, 2025
Hosts: Dan and Phil
Studio: Studio71

---

Episode Overview

This lively and chaotic episode dives into themes of relationships, online rumors, queer culture, missed career paths, and the cosmic unknown—all with Dan and Phil’s signature wit and self-deprecating humor. The headline topic: Phil’s ex resurfacing after being mentioned on the podcast, igniting talk of ghosting, Instagram thirst traps, and nostalgic digressions about alternate life decisions. Interwoven are musings on internet cancel culture, gay stereotypes, fan art, haunted kitchens, and memorable stories from their quirky pasts. The episode wraps up with audience confessions—some hilarious, others uncomfortably honest.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Phil's Ex Resurfaces: Ghosting and Podcast Fallout

• [00:57] Phil reveals his model ex reached out after hearing the previous episode, having watched and heard comments Dan made about him.
  • Phil: "Not only that, he watched the podcast. He heard you talking shit." (01:05)
  • The ex finds the jokes amusing but takes a slight dig at Dan, who’s bemused and mock-offended.
• Phil tries to make small talk, but is promptly left on read—“He’s left me on red for about four days. I’ve been ghosted.” (02:05)

2. Queer Social Stereotypes and Envy of the Manchester Gays

• [03:20] Phil and Dan discuss the picture-perfect social media life of “gay friends in Manchester”:
  • Dogs, muscular men in hot tubs, frequent trips—compared to their own less glamorous existence.
  • Dan: “I am slightly homophobic.” (04:49)
• They muse on the ‘gay circuit’ party scene vs. their Nerdy/board game preferences:
  • Dan: “Do you ever feel like you wish you participated in more gay social society?” (05:24)
  • Phil confesses wanting to join a gay board game club—Dan: “Where someone’s like, I’m a furry lgbt, let’s play Catan.” (05:46)

3. Cancel Culture, Cat Discourse, and Context Collapse

• [06:11]–[08:49]
  • After jokes about cats, a wave of online backlash emerges, illustrating how podcasts can be misinterpreted.
  • Dan: “When the podcast is too big...people will eavesdrop and see the things that we’re saying...without the context.” (07:13)
  • The pair stage a tongue-in-cheek “apology” and joke about fickle online outrage.

4. Fan Art Trends: Yuri, Yaoi, and Being Ships

• [09:26]–[12:40]
  • Increasing prevalence of Dan and Phil lesbian (yuri) fan art, less yaoi.
  • Phil: “I think lesbian Phil is super hot.” (11:11)
  • Discussion shifts to how universal basic income would fuel more fan art: “This is the communist future...We need time to prioritize the things that we like in life.” (12:09)
  • Their Patreon nicknamed “yaoi prime” by a fan (12:27)

5. Haunted Kitchens and Rational Explanations

• [13:48]–[16:12]
  • Last week’s “ghost dust” turns out likely to be potting soil from a new plant. Phil sheepishly admits, “It seems very likely it was the plant. So I’m sorry for scaring everyone, including Dan.” (16:12)

6. Hypotheticals: Life’s Stats After Death

• [17:01]–[21:07]
  • Phil ponders what cosmic statistics he’d like to know after dying—everything from near-death experiences to how many strangers thought he was hot.
  • Hilarious tangent about Dan’s extreme ability to hold his bladder.
    • Phil: “Today, Dan has done a transatlantic flight to New York. And not pissed.” (19:50)
    • Dan: “I time it. I go before. I hold it in.” (19:55)

7. Alternate Career Paths, Lawyering, and Porn Editing

• [21:25]–[26:34]
  • What if Dan became a lawyer?
    • Musings on gaslighting a jury and the moral complications.
  • Phil almost took an internship editing porn (and tickle fetish content) instead of becoming a YouTuber.
    • Phil: “I could have edited porn. I was offered that job.” (23:40)
    • Phil: “[Tickle porn was] £500 for an hour...I would have to be tied to a bed and tickled by a stranger.” (26:02)
    • Dan: “No one should have to be tickled on a bed if they don’t want to be.” (26:18)

8. Photo Shoots, Glitter Disasters, and Labubu Obsessions

• [27:52]–[33:12]
  • Dan and Phil tease their heavily-produced new calendar—makeup, glitter disasters, and olive oil showers ensue.
    • Phil: “So I got into the shower with a full tub of olive oil and I just rubbed it all over my face.” (30:07)
  • Phil’s new fascination with collectible Labubus—buying six, gifting them to friends and Dan (32:12)
    • Dan: “When Phil said, I got you a Labubu, I said, how much of our life savings have you invested...” (32:46)

9. Nerd Nostalgia: DDR Cinematic Universe

• [33:16]–[37:31]
  • Their teenage days obsessed with Dance Dance Revolution; Phil had friends who’d “ghost” the machine while waiting their turn, to the horror of local toughs.
    • Dan: “I had no nerd friends, guys.” (35:05)
    • Phil: “This group of six lads walked up and just saw him doing that and were like, these people are so...” (36:40)

10. Travel Tales: Blackpool and Prejudice

• [37:31]–[38:22]
  • Their Blackpool holiday: greeted with slurs and a baguette thrown at Phil, but ultimately cheered by gay B&B hosts.
    • Dan: “About five seconds after getting off the train, someone screamed some kind of illegible slur at you and then threw...an entire baguette?” (37:46)

11. Big Cosmic Questions with ‘Richard,’ the Conversation Selector

• [38:31]–[41:46]
  • Are we alone in the universe?
    • Phil: “I think we are mere amoeba...ant size compared to nebula space whale organisms.” (39:18)
    • Dan assumes aliens would judge us harshly for our collective stupidity and priorities.
    • Wild speculation: “It’s always about the ass and the probe.” (41:02)

12. Audience "Hard Launches": Community Confessions

• [42:03]–[46:53]
  • Kayleigh (US): Began ketamine treatments for depression, accidentally listened while high and thought she was “going into psychosis.”
    • Dan: “Did this help your depression?” (42:33)
  • Natalie: Blocked her dead dad on Instagram to stop seeing which porn star reels he’d liked.
  • Spencer (California): “Situationships do not exist. You’re either dating, or they just don’t like you.”
    • Dan: “If you’re like, ‘I guess we’re in a situationship,’ it just means I don’t claim you.” (44:08)
  • Charlotte (Derbyshire): Her toddler prefers Dan and Phil to her own parents—“she asks for Dada” but means Dan and Phil!
    • Phil: “We are fathers. We raised a child. High five, man.” (45:23)

---

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “Not only that, he watched the podcast. He heard you talking shit.” — Phil, on his ex texting in (01:05)
• “I am slightly homophobic.” — Dan, on Manchester gays in hot tubs (04:49)
• “When the podcast is too big...people will eavesdrop and see the things that we’re saying...without the context.” — Dan, on cancel culture (07:13)
• “I think lesbian Phil is super hot.” — Phil (11:11)
• “This is why we need universal basic income. What, so people can draw me as doing things?” — Dan (12:05)
• “He’s left me on red for about four days. I’ve been ghosted.” — Phil (02:05)
• “Today, Dan has done a transatlantic flight to New York. And not pissed.” — Phil (19:50)
• “I could have edited porn. I was offered that job.” — Phil (23:40)
• “So I got into the shower with a full tub of olive oil and I just rubbed it all over my face.” — Phil (30:07)
• “When Phil said, I got you a Labubu, I said, how much of our life savings have you invested…?” — Dan (32:46)
• “I had no nerd friends, guys.” — Dan on DDR nostalgia (35:05)
• “We are fathers. We raised a child. High five me, man.” — Phil, after fan confesses her toddler prefers Dan and Phil to her parents (45:23)
• “Even that situationship. Look where it is now.” — Phil, as they close the episode (47:23)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:57 – Phil's ex texts after hearing last episode
• 03:20 – Discussing Manchester gay social stereotypes
• 06:11 – Cat-based cancelation discourse
• 09:26 – Political and fan art (yuri/yaoi) tangents
• 13:48 – Resolution of the “ghost dust” mystery
• 17:01 – Hypothetical afterlife statistics game
• 21:25 – Dan’s “what if” law career; Phil’s almost-porn-editor past
• 27:52 – Calendar shoot glitter meltdown and the Labubu haul
• 33:16 – DDR and nerdy teen friendships
• 37:31 – Blackpool travel mayhem and baguette-based hate crime
• 38:31 – Conversation roulette: Are We Alone in the Universe?
• 42:03 – Listener confessions (“Hard Launches”)
• 47:23 – Closing thoughts on hope for humanity and relationships

---

Tone & Style

• Freewheeling, self-deprecating banter
• Openly queer, irreverent, and occasionally absurd
• Sessions of heartfelt confession punctuated by sharp wit and meta-commentary on social media fandoms and internet culture

---

Takeaway for New Listeners

This episode encapsulates the raw, unscripted, and often unfiltered dynamic of Dan and Phil’s “Hard Launch” podcast. They mix their own awkward life stories, unflinching looks at queer experience, crowd-submitted overshares, and meta-commentary on their fandom, all while maintaining a space that’s as hilarious as it is sincere. Regularly straddling the line between chaos and candor, Dan and Phil make a case for radical honesty—the kind you might regret but can never take back.

---

Transcript

[A]

So good, so good, so good. New markdowns are on at your Nordstrom Rack store. Save even more. Up to 70% on dresses, tops, boots and handbags to give and get. Cause I always find something amazing. Just so many good brands. I get an extra 5% off with my Nordstrom credit card Total queen treatment. Join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack to unlock our best deals. Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack. Toast the holidays in a new way and raise a glass of Rumchata, a delicious creamy blend of horchata with rum. Enjoy it over ice or in your coffee. Rumchata. Your holiday cocktails just got sweeter. Tap or click the banner for more. Drink responsibly. Caribbean rum with real dairy cream. Natural and artificial flavors. Alcohol 13.75% by volume 27.5 proof. Copyright 2025 Agave Loco Brands, Pojoaquee, Wisconsin. All rights reserved.

[B]

My ex texted me what he did. Do you remember the one that we talked about?

[C]

Wait, wait. Your model ex boyfriend from college got in contact?

[B]

Not only that, he watched the podcast. He heard you talking shit.

[C]

Wait, okay, I'm sorry. You haven't spoken to this guy in an amount of time?

[B]

I wasn't aware he was still aware of me.

[C]

Wait, what did he say? He was like, do I need to fight someone?

[B]

Maybe.

[C]

Oh, my God, I'm too tired for this.

[B]

He said he found it really funny, but he thought that you had a bit of a problem.

[C]

What did I do?

[B]

This means you gotta go fight for me.

[C]

What did I say?

[B]

You were making fun. That he was a model and that he loved himself.

[C]

Oh, well, someone's. Clearly. I touched a nerve there, didn't he?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I'm mad at my friend's future partner because he kept talking about how I was a model. Get a grip.

[B]

Wait, we can't say that.

[C]

Sorry. I activated then, right?

[B]

You're activated.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait. Where did this go? Well, after he'd established how much he.

[B]

Hates me, I made some small talk. I was like, how are you doing?

[C]

How small was the talk?

[B]

It was pretty small. Whoa. He did not reply.

[C]

Well, so he said, I watched the episode. You said, how was it going, buddy?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he left you on red.

[B]

He's left me on red for about four days. I've been ghosted.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[B]

I was all ready to replace you.

[C]

Dan, are you okay? I take that back. Well, good to know I don't need to fight anyone when you're just so repulsive. You solve the problem.

[B]

Great, thanks.

[A]

Three, two, one.

[C]

Hard Mondays with Dan and Phil.

[B]

I am feeling.

[C]

Not for that guy, apparently.

[B]

Oh no, not at all excited. It's episode five of Hard Launch. This is Dan. I am Phil. What? They might not know who we are.

[C]

Who's on Apple Music and just clicked on it thinking that this would be a rocket science based podcast.

[B]

We got 283 subscribers off the last one. These are all new people.

[C]

Who the fuck? Okay. I'm so scared. Thank you. Welcome to the club.

[B]

Linda. Linda 2. Linda 3. We love all the Lindas.

[C]

Only people called Linda that are new listeners.

[B]

Yeah, only the Lindas. It wasn't just my ex that has been messaging me on Instagram. I've been pretty popular on Instagram this week. Do you know some weeks you have a dry spell and no one like, do I actually.

[C]

Is that when you post a thirst trap? Girl's like, here's me and those femboy booty shorts again for no reason.

[B]

Does anyone?

[C]

Primary inbox.

[B]

Oh, I got some good likes on that one actually. But I was looking at instastories from.

[C]

Phil's harem of hunks that I don't know about in his previous life.

[B]

Love my hunks. We both actually. I was gonna say it's my friend. It's a bit of your friend as well. Gay friends in Manchester, back where we used to live. And whenever I look at their Insta stories, I'm like, they have the perfect life, right?

[C]

They do. They are normal people.

[B]

We chose this life. Yes, but they get given.

[C]

They've got real jobs, they're just living in the city. They've got friends.

[B]

There's a stereotype of gays in Manchester. Women where they've gotta have a dog, right?

[C]

Sure, why not?

[B]

They always have a different cute dog every week.

[C]

And they have so many gay friends.

[B]

They do.

[C]

They're constantly going on trips to Marbella or whatever the hell, getting their buns out in Dubai, problematically. And they're like, someone needs to look after my Pomeranian. And so they are the go to homosexual dog sitters in Manchester city centre.

[B]

And when they're not babysitting dogs, I just see them in hot tubs with really muscular men.

[C]

When they're not babysitting dogs, they're hanging out with the hogs.

[B]

I've never been in a hot tub with a muscular man.

[C]

Cause we're not circuit gays, Phil.

[B]

What's a circuit, G?

[C]

There's a gay circuit.

[B]

What, like a running track?

[C]

It's like skeletrics. Yeah. They're bolted to the floor. It's fucked up human rights. No, it is the idea that there's just all these parties happening all the time.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You gotta go to that person's house. There's that rich old gay, he's got a hot tub. And you just see these photos on Instagram and it is one of the most disturbing things in the world.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

50 Caucasian homosexuals.

[B]

Oh my gosh.

[C]

Bumping nips in an aggressively foamy swimming pool. And I think it's hell. I think it's hell.

[B]

I mean, it doesn't.

[C]

I am slightly homophobic.

[B]

Oh, my God. It doesn't sound that bad to me. I mean.

[C]

Oh, kind of like four people in a pool. Maybe 40, 40's too many. Listening to some Dua Lipa remix.

[B]

No, I don't like standing or dancing generally.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

But I do like sitting in a hot tub of water with a half naked man.

[C]

I feel like that's just having a bath by yourself, buddy. You can do that whenever you like.

[B]

Oh, I didn't say muscular then. I thought you were gonna give me a compliment.

[C]

That's. But no, that's real.

[B]

Maybe next summer we join the circuit just to see what that lifestyle's like.

[C]

You're gonna roid up. You're gonna get a cake. Leicester. I'm not gonna take any titty era. No, I would. No, no. Let's just stop there. Do you ever feel like you wish you participated in more gay social society?

[B]

Yes, there are some things. There's a gay board game club in London. I've been like, why you gotta be gay?

[C]

Well, no, it's just a. I wanna go to the queer autistic board game.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Where someone's like, I'm a furry lgbt, let's play catan.

[A]

Fine.

[B]

LGBT friendly.

[C]

But you know there's a difference between LGBT friendly and the gay board. Cause you go to them.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

They're having brunch and they don't shut the fuck up.

[B]

Oh my God.

[C]

And that's us half the time.

[B]

Are you.

[C]

Even if I'm allowed to find myself annoying, that's fine. I hate myself.

[B]

Good. Sorry, that came out worse than I meant to do.

[C]

Speaking of dogs, we got canceled for hating cats.

[B]

Apparently that was like a Twitter trending topic. Dan.

[C]

And in the last video on this podcast, we joked that AI couldn't make James Corden cats because they're fucked up. Also, when God made actual cats, he cooked. Because we've all got these pets and they are superior predators. And it's funny. That we've got these cute, fluffy, cuddly things that are also murder tanks.

[B]

And I think the point you are making is that they are superior to humans. You are complimenting cats.

[C]

It doesn't actually matter what point I was making. No, because I was joking.

[B]

Joking is a thing where you make a joke and it's not actually real. We made a cat's calendar. We put cat whiskers on our faces for 10 years, guys.

[C]

But because I said it's funny, because cats, they don't even love you as a joke. Someone tweeted, wait, Dan and Phil don't like cats.

[B]

And then the discourse, all hell has broken news. The one person that tweeted that knew it was a joke, right?

[C]

Oh, this is the problem. When the podcast is too big, to the extent that we have viewers that have more followers than some celebrities.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You have so much more power than you realize. So when we, this is our safe space. You, the listeners, us sat here, the clowns in the chairs, we like to be able to freely talk mad shit free bants. The idea that people will eavesdrop and see the things that we're saying or what you're saying about us without the context is terrifying. And unfortunately, that happened.

[B]

Okay, well, let's get the ukulele out. Sing about the fact that we like cats. I'm going to put it out there now. I love cats more than Dan.

[C]

This sounds like a fake apology. Right now you're digging yourself out of the dirt. This is why I think that humanity is completely cooked though, because people were reacting to this with no, I saw a tweet from someone that was like, ok, so Dan and Phil were joking that cats don't love their owners. This is such a man response. Because men. And Dan and Phil are men.

[B]

How did we get there?

[C]

They don't have empathy. And this is just exactly why I never liked them.

[B]

And it's like, okay, yeah, Phil or cats, I'm trying to redeem you here.

[C]

For the pod cats.

[B]

There we go.

[C]

There we go.

[B]

We did it.

[C]

Tick.

[B]

But Phil uncanceled.

[C]

We need to think, are we as a society capable of going, oh yeah, I've seen this tweet without context. Am I going to make a decision just based on this random ass social media post without knowing what the original thing was? It's like people are football teams and they go, I identify as a cat person. So now. Cause I've seen this tweet that someone doesn't like a cat. I don't know whether it's True or not. But fuck that bitch. That's all it took.

[B]

I jumped conclusions based on this.

[C]

Are we going to slip into a techno fascist Peter Thiel, JD Vance Elon Musk society where we're just being led down a breadcrumb trail of contextless bullshit into doing whatever people want us to think?

[B]

Breadcrumb.

[C]

Did I?

[B]

You said breadcrumb. Shall we move on?

[C]

I'm on Team Giant Meteor.

[B]

Well, let's get some hope.

[C]

I. No, no. I think that opium. No mam. Danny won.

[B]

There we go.

[C]

Social media's a good thing. We can do it guys. We did it, man. Danny, that's not. We. We're in London. We did it guys.

[B]

We did it in New York.

[C]

Fist pound that slap.

[B]

In other good news, I'm seeing lots of lesbian Yuri on the timeline.

[C]

What the fuck? Talk about it more.

[B]

Well, what do you mean? What do you mean? I'm Danny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Phil. I'm sorry.

[C]

How much have you thought about who the mayor of New York City is prior to the last six weeks?

[B]

I've not been that aware of it. But when this started happening I was like, yes. Progressive moment.

[C]

He's my mayor.

[B]

Yeah, he's your age as well.

[C]

Yes. Big with. What was the tweet? Very popular amongst she. They. Bisexuals.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

When you're a 34 year old man you either run for office or start a male podcast.

[B]

You chose the right path. Any other thoughts on mam. Danny before I interrupt it?

[C]

Oh, ooh la la. Hey.

[B]

Still, Dan likes to get.

[C]

You should just appear on more people's TikTok accounts.

[B]

Dan likes to get his hot politics takes out and I don't want to take that away from you by talking about something else like Yuri.

[C]

Zach Polanski. He's got good aura.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Better aura popping up.

[C]

I mean the bar in the UK is so low it's devastating.

[B]

We need someone to get a.

[C]

There's at least like four politicians that have a brain cell and a soul in America. Yeah, not like 400 which is what you need, but maybe four. We've got like one. It seems like we wish them all the best.

[B]

Let's plant a seed of hope right now.

[A]

Hope.

[C]

I believe in everybody watching.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And the random scrollers of Twitter. It's all gonna be okay.

[B]

Speaking of scrolling on Twitter, I've seen a lot of Dan and Phil Lesbian Yuri art. So it's us but girls making out, hugging.

[C]

If it's us as femboys. Is that Yuri or is it just.

[B]

Well, femboys is the guy That's a gray area.

[C]

In the gray area, but the gay area.

[B]

I think lesbian Phil is super hot.

[C]

You think lesbian Phil is super hot?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

This is the weirdest way to break the news of the end of this relationship and podcast.

[B]

I mean, sorry.

[C]

He could have said lesbian Dan was super hot. No, I think the fuck.

[B]

I think lesbian Phil is hotter than lesbian Dan. Just in the ones I've seen. I could be wrong.

[C]

I just feel like I haven't been using the soundboard enough. So I'm doing the communicate entirely through that.

[B]

Oh, okay. Sure. Wow.

[C]

Well, thinking about the lesbian Dan that I saw on the timeline the other day.

[B]

Oh, what about the yaoi? I saw someone call up.

[C]

What about the yaoi? How's the yaoi doing? Is it toxic?

[B]

I haven't seen.

[C]

Is it old man?

[B]

I haven't seen cocaine yowie of us as much as I've seen the yuri this year.

[C]

Devastating yaoi shortage. This is a recession indicator. People don't have the free time that they used to have when they were teenagers on Tumblr. To draw Phil doing things I am doing.

[B]

I mean, I don't feel like I should be looking for.

[C]

This is why we need universal basic income.

[B]

What, so people can draw me as doing things?

[C]

Exactly. This is the communist future. You know, you want to write poetry, you want to do the yaoi. We need time to prioritize the things that we like in life.

[B]

Phil, Dan, Phil. A pickle and a labubu.

[C]

This is gonna be the campaign that I run. Mayor of London, Sadiq, you need to get the yaoi. Otherwise it's over.

[B]

Vote for Dan.

[C]

I don't want to do that.

[B]

I saw someone call our Patreon yaoi prime, which I quite like. I feel like we need to steal that.

[C]

That makes a lot of sense.

[B]

Yeah. If you want some yaoi prime, including a bonus chat after this episode, who knows what we'll be doing?

[C]

Patreon.com JanetHill thanks for your support. Come join us enabling this. Oh, Hilton, stay. Oh, Hilton, stay. Your beds are soft and cozy.

[B]

No lumpy couch, no stiff futon, no.

[C]

Shower line at crack of dawn. Oh, Hilton, stay. Oh, Hilton, stay.

[A]

When you want holiday comfort, you can count on it matters where you stay. Enjoy comfortable rooms and friendly service when you stay with Hilton. Instead, save up to 25% this season when you book with Hilton Hilton for this day, terms apply. This episode is brought to you by Netflix from the creator of Homeland, Claire Danes and Matthew Rhys star in the new Netflix series the Beast. In Me as Ruthless rivals whose shared darkness will set them on a collision course with fatal consequences. The Beast in Me is a riveting psychological cat and mouse story about guilt, justice and doubt. You will not want to miss this. The Beast in Me is now playing only on Netflix.

[B]

The topic that people have been discussing from last week, I think it's mainly been the ghost dust.

[C]

Yeah. The mystery of Dan and Phil's brown stain. So the most interesting thing is a lot of people said you've got a bug infestation. Excuse me. In our what?

[B]

I just wanted to rewind to give some people's context. Basically, we.

[C]

Oh, we're doing context on this podcast.

[B]

We visited a haunted bog. We came home and saw the next day a circle of. Of dirt on the floor. And I thought it was a ghost.

[C]

The theories have come in.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

My favorite comment was in regards to you doing your experiment of maybe this is coffee. Someone said your demon realized it was in over its head when you started preparing the evil dirt with milk and sugar. We really did that.

[B]

Why did we put sugar in we? We.

[C]

Because you were like, I need to check that. It's the same visual consistency as my morning coffee, which can only happen if there's an aggressive two tablespoons of sugar in it.

[B]

And I wasted some oatly barista in that as well. That's.

[C]

Sadiq. Lower the price of oat milk.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

He can't do that. The British mayors have no power to do anything.

[B]

Really? No.

[C]

Other than shut clubs. Why are we glossing over there being fucking haunted? Oh, my God. What do you mean? You got a circle of sand in your kitchen out of nowhere. That's so fucked up. Bring in the priest.

[B]

I know a priest. We could bring him in and bless it.

[C]

What do you mean? We want to exercise it, not empower it.

[B]

No, I want the ghost to be our friend.

[C]

Bless my soil.

[B]

Imagine if you come home and the door just opens for you and he's waiting. He's running you a bath.

[C]

Oh, it's lantern man. He's put the candles on.

[B]

I mean, maybe he's hot. Yowie Dan and Phil. Lantern man. Three way.

[C]

Don't know about that.

[B]

I have. What Been racking my brain because this is actually.

[C]

That didn't take very long then, did it? You racked your brain for one second.

[B]

Oi. People were saying we had termites.

[C]

Ain't no termites in the uk.

[B]

No.

[C]

But thank you for diagnosing us with a bug infestation. That's. Yep. Woodlice nay. In a circle on A pristine, brand new floorboard.

[B]

Moths having a circuit party.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Gotta watch out for them.

[B]

But I did have a memory because we got a new plant delivered. This was a week before the time this happened. And I did put the plant box there, but I can't imagine that we went for a whole week in our house without seeing this circle on the floor.

[C]

Basically, Phil read a bunch of comments. They were like, wow, that looks like the holes in the middle of a house. Plant pot. And then Phil said, oh, yeah, I repotted a plant last night and I forgot because it was late.

[B]

I mean, look, I still think everyone is being a skeptic here, and it could have been a ghost because we don't know it was the plant. But it seems very likely it was the plant. So I'm sorry for scaring everyone, including Dan.

[C]

Thank you very much. Okay. I love cats.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Could have died.

[B]

I know. Could have been haunted to death.

[C]

You're not taking this very seriously.

[B]

Do you know when you die?

[C]

No, I don't, and I don't think you do. I don't think anyone does.

[A]

What?

[B]

I mean, Listen, when you die, you go to the afterlife. I'm not saying heaven is real or whatever you believe in. We don't know.

[C]

It's a big hot tub. I'm in hell. I'm joking.

[B]

Sounds like heaven. I'm being agnostic. Here we go to the large peanut.

[C]

Egg in the sky.

[B]

Yeah. And it's like, hey, do you want to know some stats about your life? Do you ever think about that? Because I was thinking about it in the shower. Like, what are my God stats? Like, what are the things that have happened?

[C]

If you could know the magic answer to any crazy questions.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

That's profound. I guess I would be like, at what points in my life was I actually on a crossroad between, like, my life going in a completely different direction? If I never tweeted you, if I got back on that train because I was like, he's wearing a wig. This is scary. Get me the fuck out of here. How many moments continually in my life, different jobs, different partners.

[B]

Oh, my God. Your life would have been worse without me. I'm really fun.

[C]

Do you want to know Just things that you said in conversations with your friends that profoundly affected their lives and you never knew?

[B]

That's really deep. I actually made a list, and I've been.

[C]

Oh, okay. This is premeditated.

[B]

No, no, no. This has been going on for a few months whenever I think of one, because I think if I. Cause you don't know if you take your phone with you if you go to the afterlife.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Brody, you're gonna have to remember these. I don't think you get to keep your iPhone 13.

[B]

You don't know anything about it. True. So here are my questions for the large egg in this guy. Are we going for egg or badger?

[C]

What are the things that you would like to know at the end of your full fill life?

[B]

I wrote one of these in January. This list has been going on for a while. Okay, firstly, how many near death experiences have I had?

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's a great one.

[B]

I know a few of them, but I want to know, like when I was about to go. Remember when I always boofed you down the stairs with my ass?

[C]

Yes, yes. Phil bent over.

[B]

Whoa. I playfully bumped Dan in the kitchen with my butt.

[C]

I almost pressed this. No, sorry, wrong one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I thought he bounced towards the fridge, but he bounced towards the stairs.

[C]

Oh, you fully almost murdered me.

[B]

Yeah, that would be one.

[C]

That was fun. I forgot that because of the trauma.

[B]

We could relive that. How many times have I been in a proximity to someone else called Phil bro?

[C]

Oh, my God. You only get to ask so many questions. Here I am asking about my alternate timelines, and you're going, where was the other Phil's?

[B]

This is one that had made me feel good in heaven. How many times has a stranger hotter than me thought I was hot? So you're like, you see a video of yourself in Tesco and like, Jimmy's walking past and he's like, oh, look at him.

[C]

You want to see an edited romantic montage of hunks going as you walk.

[B]

Past, and I want to know their filthy thoughts that they had.

[C]

And then you'll be like, now I'm ready to see grandma let me in. I think they're the same when they pull the lever. And then you go, only if they're hot, though.

[B]

How many times have I peed versus how many times has Dan peed?

[C]

Why am I in it?

[B]

Because you never pee. And I'm really curious. Yours would be like 19. Dan's gone A.

[C]

Listen, I'm a camel.

[A]

What?

[C]

Okay, yeah, go on. We're on the Dan piss chapter of the pod.

[B]

Today, Dan has done a transatlantic flight to New York. And not pissed.

[C]

I time it Well, I go before I hold it in.

[B]

How do you hold it in? Your bladder must go all the way up your neck.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[B]

I think I have four pisses for every half a piss you do.

[C]

This is episode five, the worst conversation we've had yet. And for anyone who has watched all of the episodes, you know how devastating that is?

[B]

You're gonna get a kidney stone.

[C]

No, I drink so much.

[B]

Where's it go?

[C]

I have lots of pee because I drink lots of water and I'm hydrated. I just hold onto it.

[B]

Do you know what I think happens?

[C]

It's like that meditation thing.

[B]

I think what happens is Danda's secret cries. And you just let it all out with tears.

[C]

You think I cry piss?

[B]

No, the water turns to tears instead of piss. But we just don't know you're crying.

[C]

Oh, honey. We need to send you back to school.

[B]

Rosalia. What about her crying to the album?

[C]

Yes. I wasn't pissing. I mean, it was so good. Yeah. Every fluid.

[B]

How many times have I been near a rare animal? Like a really rare. Like one that's not been discovered? And it's just, like, near my shoe.

[C]

And then you fucking stepped on it or what? Yeah. Knowing you haven't seen a badger before, that would go so hard. I'd love to see a badger.

[B]

I've got 24 more, but she's leaving.

[C]

Yeah. No, I'm. That was.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm really glad to know the things that you are caring about the most. Comparative piss.

[B]

Do you think that could happen?

[C]

I'm thinking about my other life now. Get back on the train. Talk to the guy about trains.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You could be a train driver.

[C]

Go back to law school.

[B]

Kim Kardashian flopped. She flopped.

[C]

She flopped.

[B]

She's been trying to be a lawyer for ages.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You could have become a lawyer since then.

[C]

Maybe or maybe not.

[B]

How did that make you feel? Do you think you would pass the bar exam?

[C]

I'd like to think I would have.

[B]

Objection. Yeah, say it.

[C]

Objection. I don't think they do that in the uk. Oh, I don't know if they do that in America. That's just a game thing, right? It's a movie thing.

[B]

I don't think you'd suit that kind of noodle head thing that they wear in the uk.

[C]

Because, bro, I basically look like that right now. No.

[B]

Cause it's.

[C]

I've got the barrister wig right now. So you're saying Dan's hair with your hair color, it wouldn't work. It looks like a dusty lawyer.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Mmm.

[C]

Haunted.

[B]

But how do you feel about the fact that you're not a lawyer?

[C]

Part of me thinks that I would have been good at it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The yapping. That's it. You just gotta gaslight people. That's all it is. Gaslighting 12 members of the public.

[B]

Isn't a lot of it.

[C]

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

[B]

Isn't a lot of it. Like you've gotta represent someone that's a bad person.

[C]

Allegedly. Sometimes you've gotta be okay with that.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, no. Morally I feel like you'd struggle because you.

[C]

I feel like you choose what cases you do though.

[B]

If you're like the high flying lawyer down top of the world, maybe.

[C]

Well, I would just choose not to. Are you saying that I would. I'd be like, I am representing bp slay Slay the environment and everyone in it?

[B]

Maybe.

[C]

No, but do you realize that if you train to be a barrister, you don't stop education until you're like 32. I'd have like just finished.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Still be at uni.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Do you have to be in a dorm?

[C]

You've got to have like dinners with people, ceremonial dinners, Illuminati shit. It ain't right.

[B]

It sounds like a lot. So if you are a lawyer listening to this, well done.

[C]

You have a bigger attention span than Dan and there you are doing important work. But hey, I think that our male podcast has had a positive impact on the world.

[B]

Can we stop calling it a male podcast?

[C]

Own it, bro. We're men. We're men that love cats. We're soft men, not in hot tubs. Fucking love pussy.

[B]

We're just normal men.

[C]

We're just innocent men.

[B]

Just innocent men.

[C]

We're not innocent men.

[B]

No, we're very not. I could have had a different career.

[C]

Oh yeah? What would you have been? Everyone knows about the famous Dan Law School arc.

[B]

I honestly think.

[C]

Oh, for anyone that doesn't know, you need to tell them about the first job offer that you got out of your master's degree.

[B]

I could have edited porn. I was offered that job.

[C]

I love that they were hunting master degrees in post production. Didn't you get an internship offer from like the Christopher Nolan?

[B]

I got an visual effects studio, have had an internship with Double Negative, which would have been incredible. And that was a turning point in my life because I was like, do I become a YouTuber or do I go work?

[C]

And also the porn company, what do they want you to do? Dick enlargement, 4K CGI. We want you in that basement, MCU style, hulking out. I want to see pixel, pixel, pixel. This scene went horribly wrong. We need you to cut it up. Master degree only.

[B]

This was for an internship. So before I get the masters over the summer, you would Go and edit porn for this company for free.

[A]

What?

[B]

But the problem with that is, apparently, because I spoke to someone who had that job and had taken it, it ruins sex for you because you're looking.

[C]

At sex for seven hours in a methodical, scientific way.

[B]

In a different brain way, which if you ever edit videos, if you ever speak to a. Really takes the joy out of anything.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If you focus on the editing too much, you'll be like.

[C]

You spend hours watching things in detail, going, oh, this was so annoying. Can these actors just get their shit together? This is so unprofessional. And the next time you see penis, you'll be like, oh, my God, that's the wrong angle. What are you doing?

[B]

Stop it. Yeah, but here's the thing that you also learn is porn does not represent sex.

[C]

And because they be filming for hours.

[B]

They be popping two Viagras. They be going for hours.

[C]

Where they're fluffers.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Cause they gotta, like, keep it going, keep it going. And if you're staring at. This was gay porn, by the way? If you're staring at Jake.

[C]

I'm so sorry. To the lesbians gone.

[B]

Yeah. If you're staring at Jake's face for four hours, Jake, you're gonna get sick of him. You know what I mean?

[C]

Was Jake another guy from college or is this just a theoretical one?

[B]

I'm not gonna say ha ha for the listeners. What is a fluffer?

[C]

Someone that makes sure the performers are still ready to go.

[B]

Why can't the other performer do that for the other people? Performer? Like, why do we need another normal?

[C]

This is a professional environment. They're there to do their work and then stop.

[B]

That's pro bono.

[C]

Pro bono.

[B]

Pro bono. You need to get him ready. There could have been a universe where I accepted the tickle job and I could have just been in tickle porn.

[C]

Now you need to explain the tickle job.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God. Can you stop talking about Phil's past?

[B]

My past? Yes. I got colourful messaged asking if I wanted to be in tickle porn. Wow.

[C]

Was that another internship or that was just a job?

[B]

I think it was like 500 quid for a day. An hour of tickling, I wouldn't have.

[C]

An hour of tickling I wouldn't have to take. And you said no?

[B]

Of course I said no.

[C]

Da fuck.

[B]

I would have to be tied to a bed and tickled by a stranger. I'm thinking maybe not.

[C]

Yeah. Ask the comments right now. Would you take £500 to lay there for an hour.

[B]

No one should have to be tickled on a bed if they don't want to be.

[C]

And we're back to communism. I love this episode.

[B]

Listen.

[A]

What?

[B]

I did consider it a little bit. Yeah.

[C]

That's okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, you would, wouldn't you?

[B]

They said I didn't have to take my pants off. I didn't have to be naked.

[C]

A classy one.

[B]

It's just about the feet, like.

[C]

Oh, just the feet. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

And you got long. Phil's got borzois strapped to that thing. They are long snooter hooters.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate. Instead, use Indeed sponsored Jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast. It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate. C. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs have four times more applicants than non sponsored jobs. So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a $75 sponsored job credit@ Indeed.com podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Wayfair's big sale is returning. Get ready for way day. For four days only, score up to 80% off all things home with free shipping on everything from October 26th through 29th, score Wayfair's best deals, like up to 80% off area rugs, up to 60% off mattresses, up to 60% off bedroom furniture, and more exclusive doorbuster deals. So mark your calendar and shop Wayday starting October 26th at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[B]

You had some very interesting feet yesterday.

[C]

I don't know what that means.

[B]

Think back to yesterday.

[C]

Oh, we're doing a photo shoot. Dan and Phil have a storied history of doing semi ironic calendars.

[B]

I have to say, yes, this is the best calendar we've ever made.

[C]

Beating the dogs, beating the cats. Surely not. Surely nothing can beat cats. But they love you so much. Cats can be cuddly, they can be fluffy. Do they want to murder birds? Yes. And they can love you.

[B]

Get off the couch. This one is not an animal calendar. I'm gonna put that one out there.

[C]

Yeah, for everyone who wanted Dan, Phil and Ben the rat. Sorry.

[B]

No, no, it's better. It's better.

[C]

Oh, trust me. There were multiple looks. Let's just say that it required costumes, makeup, quite intensive makeup throughout. Physical set design spoil a couple of things.

[B]

We've been working with our friends PJ and Sophie on this.

[C]

So when you've got talented friends that.

[B]

Are artists, they have worked for about two Months tirelessly on this calendar.

[C]

Yeah. We tend to work with them. And we go, hey, we've got a little thing that we need to be elevated. Can you help us? But don't work too hard. And then they go into a severe spiral for two months and over deliver in the most crazy way that you've never expected.

[B]

So it's been insanely so prepare for that. Yeah. Thank you to them has been so over delivered in an amazing way.

[C]

You've been vague posting makeup selfies on Instagram stories.

[B]

I looked so pretty in my makeup.

[C]

Aw. Yeah. Which looks did you like? In a vague sense.

[B]

In a vague sense, we think that.

[C]

Phil looks good with white eyeliner.

[B]

Yeah. So I had some white eyeliner. The other one that we did was covering me head to toe in glitter, like glittery makeup. And here's the thing.

[C]

Biohazard.

[B]

It doesn't come off.

[C]

No. We didn't realize that this wasn't loosely applied. It was a thick oil based body glitt.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And when you applied a makeup wipe to it, it simply didn't move. And so Phil was a toxic, toxic substance.

[B]

The Faust is ruined.

[C]

It's now permanent glitter hole.

[B]

Glitter everywhere.

[C]

That ghost, just no space for the dirt anymore.

[B]

Glitter on the floor. Glitter in every crease, every hole, every edge. Under my toenails, there was glitter. And I asked our friend Sylvia, who did the makeup and she said I should use an oil based cleanser to remove it. We didn't have that.

[C]

Please pray for me during Phil's telling of this story that happened the other night.

[B]

So I got into the shower with a full tub of olive oil and I just rubbed it all over my face.

[C]

So he turned himself into a fucking focaccia for two hours. I was like, where's the olive oil gone? It's all over. And you were there with a bunch of cotton pads, just scrubbing yourself like one of those horny tiktoks where, you know, disturbingly hunky guy is just making bread for no reason.

[B]

I don't wanna watch that.

[C]

You were just getting in there going, is the glitter coming off? Is the glitter coming off?

[B]

The thing is, it did work.

[C]

You smelt fucking incredible.

[B]

I still smell it.

[C]

I wanted to bake you. I still smell like Hansel and Gretel.

[B]

I still smell like a pasta. I smell my face now.

[C]

I don't think I wanna do that on camera.

[B]

Smell my arm. I smell like pasta.

[C]

You still smell of oil.

[B]

I smell like a delicious pasta bread.

[C]

That's the new fragrance trend. Everyone's gonna get on pasta bread.

[B]

Pasta bread. Garlic bread. Or a lovely loaf. Loaf. Pasta loaf. Anyway, look forward to that. I think it's gonna come out towards the end of the month, and then.

[C]

You'Ll see what Phil ruined the entire house for. Forever.

[B]

What we've been working on and.

[C]

Yeah. That's all that's been going on in your life. That and. Well, actually, you gifted someone that was working on the photo shoot a Labubu.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Because you may not know this, but Phil, very, very trendy of him, has decided to get really into Labubu.

[B]

I got really into now.

[C]

Oh, you bought six?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Does that sound like someone who is not into Labubus?

[B]

Daniel. Phil.

[C]

What? Philip, why did you buy six LabuBoos?

[B]

I like things that are rare and that are mystery. Boy.

[C]

Cat.

[B]

I like things that are mystery.

[C]

And Phil loves gambling and he loves gimmicks.

[B]

You need to put that.

[C]

If someone's like, give me 50 quid and I'm gonna give you a box. It might have a shit in it. Phil's like, oh, but it could have something fun.

[B]

Shut up.

[C]

I want five. Phil has a tendency to get excited about things.

[B]

I'm excited.

[C]

Just do lots of them and then not tell me. Which I think is Phil's little mental health spiral. Like, I have periods of serious depression. Phil just goes, I bought 10 things and doesn't tell me what I wanted to do.

[B]

Because the labuba brought me joy. I wanted to. When I mentioned Labubu, if anyone's like, oh, my God, I really want one. But they're rare. I could then just be like, hey, I'm the Labubu fairy. Here's one.

[C]

Anyway, like, weird out of trend mrbeast vibes. You wanted to just be performatively cool.

[B]

No.

[C]

Okay, no. Yeah, go on.

[B]

I've said this. They're not cool anymore. So now they're so you've reclaimed.

[C]

Now that Labubus are so not in. You're actually being genuine. Unlike all those hipsters that only liked it for the trend. You're the real ones that like them for their freaky selves anyway.

[B]

She bloody loved it. She cried when I gave the Labubu. Hell yeah, I gave Dan a Labubu. And I will be honest. You like it.

[C]

When Phil said, I got you a Labubu, I said, how much of our life savings have you invested on the boo boo? Is this like a crypto thing? Okay, only six. That's fine. And then I did like it. It was bright green. It looks like a nasty Little toxic environmental disaster.

[B]

It's like a micro one.

[C]

Stinky. It's like a stinky, stinky, nasty, toxic, baboon, cursed one. And I like it because it just seems like it has a foul attitude. And I resonate with that.

[B]

So anyone in my life, you might get a loboo at some point.

[C]

That's Christmas spoiled for grandma.

[B]

I mean, your obsessions have been more annoying. Like DDR. Remember that, Dan, when I. Annoying? Well, no, maybe a little annoying. Maybe a little annoying. When I first met Dan, a lot of time in his spare time say we were just like sat together, chilling, Netflix and chill.

[C]

This was pre Netflix, bro.

[B]

This is what the blockbuster and chill.

[C]

DVC3 family guy's on. Guess I'm gonna sit and watch it. Cause what the fuck else am I doing with my life?

[B]

Dan would watch videos of people playing Dance Dance Revolution.

[C]

Am I not allowed to enjoy a video game?

[B]

But you're just watching people do the game. People watch sports.

[C]

I like to watch people that are good at D. Do you know how fucking crazy some people are at DDR?

[B]

There's only.

[C]

What does the difficulty go up to, Phil?

[B]

11 footer?

[C]

No, it goes up to 20.

[B]

Did you know that?

[C]

No, Exactly. Have you seen a 19 footer? Have you watched someone try to do Endymion Challenge? No, Exactly.

[B]

Right. Here's the thing.

[C]

What is the thing, Phil? Shame me for my interest?

[B]

I'm not shaming you. I'm just saying, did I take you.

[C]

To a club and force you to listen to me talking about DDR or was I just peacefully watching it in the corner of my own time?

[B]

A lot of the time you'd be like, watch this because I want to share my interest.

[C]

Look, the guy's moving his legs really fast. Isn't it interesting? Isn't it objectively really cool how fast this guy's moving his feet?

[B]

Yeah. And for the 56th video, I was like, yeah. 57th video, I was like, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Can't believe you're doing this to me.

[B]

Video 143 of someone's legs going.

[C]

And it still hits every time.

[B]

I was like, kind of.

[C]

That was my TikTok. But only two minutes long at a time. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

[B]

You still do it now?

[C]

I do. I am a recreational DDR player.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is my lobooboo. Time's over. I'm still doing it. And what? It's exercise.

[B]

Dan is jealous that I had DDR friends when I was at school.

[C]

I had no nerd friends, guys. And Phil told me that he used to go on trips with his teenage friends just to play. Dancing stage Euromix at a bowling alley. That's my fucking dream.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I just want me and the boys.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Go into the bowling alley. Are we bowling? Nope. We're putting 11 pounds into time crisis.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

We would go to Blackpool because they had the rarest DDR machines.

[C]

You would get on a train an hour. You would get on an hour long train just to play DDR.

[B]

Yeah. And it got to a point where.

[C]

Why aren't I friends with your friends?

[B]

You should be.

[C]

What are your friends doing now?

[B]

Not that.

[C]

Raising children or something like kids and you boring fucks. I'm waiting for their divorce arc right now. When it crumbles, text me. Me and you, basement DDR montage.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I'm there to pick up the pieces, lawyer up, hit the gym, play DDR with Dan.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

That's all I want.

[B]

Yeah. It got to the point where I felt like, is this a little bit too nerdy?

[C]

Should I be drinking? Because Should I be having premarital sex?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Why am I spending my teen years just watching people play DDR?

[B]

So two of the lads would play DDR, right? Yeah.

[C]

Because there's only two spaces on the machine.

[B]

A third guy started doing something called ghosting, where they were doing the moves on the carpet behind the machine. And I just.

[C]

He was practicing.

[B]

He was practicing.

[C]

He was pretending to copy.

[B]

And then. Blackpool can be quite rough. Right.

[C]

My little nerd heart. Oh, you are gonna get hate crimed. That is crazy.

[B]

This group of six lads.

[C]

You can't be out there miming DDR.

[B]

No. This group of six lads walked up and just saw him doing that and were like, these people are so.

[C]

That's material for 10 years. A bully. That is their dream. I would have owned it. I'd have been like, yes. You wish you had my friends. You wish we were unashamedly ourselves doing that. I would have been there. I would have fought for them.

[B]

I saw them doing exasperated, like, nah. And I think they thought we were too nerdy to beat up.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That by, like, proximity, if they inhaled your vapor, they would also just slide down the social scale.

[B]

I didn't abandon them as friends, though. I was just like, wow. I feel like these DDR trips may be too much for me. I want to go to.

[C]

You weren't good enough at it.

[B]

I want to go to the pleasure beach.

[C]

Which is, for anyone who's listening. Not a gay sauna. It's just a theme park.

[B]

Loads of gays in Blackpool, though, I bet. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

One of the gayest places up north.

[C]

How'd you know that?

[B]

I cannot say nor comment.

[C]

This is another story.

[B]

We went to Blackpool together on one of our first holidays when we were meant to go to Portugal, but the volcano erupted.

[C]

Yeah. So we said, what's the next best thing? Blackpool. We got off the train in our black skinny jeans, and a man threw a piece of bread at Phil.

[B]

It was like a whole loaf.

[C]

About five seconds after getting off the train, someone screamed some kind of illegible slur at you and then threw. Was it an entire baguette?

[B]

It was half a baguette or something.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We stayed in that really scary B and B as well. But then the people that greeted us were gay, and I was like, yes, we're safe. It's okay. Because back then, it was a bit scary to be a gay sleeping in the same bed as another.

[C]

Especially when you look like Dan and Phil. Like, we didn't have to do all that, but we did.

[B]

We did.

[C]

And I was probably showing full ass crack as I was strutting down the promenade.

[B]

Full ass crack, emo hair in my mouth. We hit the pleasure beat.

[C]

Sharon pants. What the fuck are you gonna do?

[B]

What was going on, Fred?

[C]

We deserved it.

[B]

Richard. If you're new to the show, this is Richard. And if you're listening, he is a conversation selection machine.

[C]

When we've gone off the deep end, talking about our hate crime trauma, we put a pan pound into that slot, crank it, and then Richard saves the day. Do it, Phil. Oh. The ASMR of that chair was haunting. Crank. Dap, Richard.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, look at those balls spin. Is it a red one? I can't see from here. Oh, it's a blue one.

[B]

Blue one.

[C]

Go on then, Phil.

[B]

I've got a blue ball.

[C]

The moment we've been waiting for. Didn't have to say that.

[B]

You ready?

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Oh, that was a good one.

[C]

It lingered.

[B]

Are we alone in the universe?

[C]

Why is it so deep today?

[B]

That is deep.

[C]

That's gonna take us out of the hole that we were in. Metaphorically, though. What do you think?

[B]

Wait. We need to wheel him off. Goodbye.

[C]

Thank you for your service.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I think we are mere amoeba.

[C]

Ant size compared to the nebula space whale organisms.

[B]

We could be inside a giant person right now. And we are his microbiome.

[C]

Person.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Gut.

[B]

We're in the butt.

[C]

We are Yakult.

[B]

Yes. Butt. Well, we're gonna be.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

We're stimulating their intestinal microbiome.

[C]

How did you take this back to the thing that we were trying to leave?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

With this prompt respect, Richard, trying to save this podcast, I think. I think no. If the universe is infinite, there's gonna be a hedgehog somewhere.

[B]

Just one hedgehog?

[C]

Yeah. Like three.

[B]

Does it do anything?

[C]

I don't know. It's probably made of rocks or something.

[B]

If you had to place a bet on my life, would you say there is other life out there?

[C]

Yes. And almost did take out that life insurance after the last episode, though.

[B]

Come on, get deep.

[C]

Are we essentially alone in the universe in the sense that we will never know before we die, though I still stand by yes is the answer. Yeah, we might as well be. Does it give you reassurance knowing that there might be an alien out there somewhere that you'll never meet or hear about or see?

[B]

Here's the thing. I think they know about us, but they're like. They're bullshit.

[C]

Yeah. Seeing what they're saying about Danifil and cats on Twitter, they don't need our help.

[B]

Firstly, they're killing each other. Like, why? Secondly, they're not progressing in the way they should be.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

They're not putting their money and resources into helping each other because they should.

[C]

Be spending it on six Labubus.

[B]

So I think they're like, they're not even worth firstly taking over or secondly doing much with because they are living in this crazy.

[C]

I like that you assume that they are. Would come to give us things and not just the probe.

[B]

No, I don't think, depending on your.

[C]

Inclination, it might be the good thing. You never know.

[B]

Also, it's always about the ass and the probe.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They might be super into eyebrows.

[C]

100%.

[B]

Why?

[C]

Like, I feel like it's a male sci fi writer thing. They're like, ah, not the butt. Anything but the butt. Calm down, Jimmy. Yeah, okay. No, but eyebrows, they're. Strap you to a table and go, damn, girl, you got that microblading. Have a bitcoin.

[B]

Yes. I don't think the aliens have got bitcoin.

[C]

They got all the bitcoin.

[B]

Have they?

[C]

Yeah, they can just like magic. It doesn't mean anything. They can just go, okay.

[B]

I like to believe that humanity are good Overall though, 100%. We've made some beautiful art.

[C]

Yeah. Only the people that vote for Madania get to go on the spaceship and get their eyebrows microbladed.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Well, let's say that we're not alone in the universe.

[C]

Phil's position is free eyebrow shaping for everybody.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

That has the right opinions.

[B]

Should we get some opinions on some people's hard launches?

[C]

Is it time to involve the listeners?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Go on then. This is when we asked you to send in the things that you want to get off your chest to live your truth, to bless us all with your hot takes. Who do we have today?

[A]

Hello, gay people. My name is Kayleigh.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

I'm from the United States. And I'm hard launching the fact that I started ketamine treatment for my treatment resistant depression today. And I was high as a motherfucker listening to the newest episode of the Fodcast and I genuinely thought I was going into psychosis.

[B]

I'm so sorry. Especially the last one that was unhinged Topic jumping activities. Yeah.

[C]

Did this help your depression?

[B]

I would not recommend listening to the podcast while you're trying out a new medicine, but if you want to go there. Wild r big ride.

[C]

Woof. I hope you're feeling better or still riding that wave, baby girl.

[B]

Yeah. What else we got?

[A]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Natalie.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

I'm hard launching. Blocking my dead dad on Instagram so I can stop seeing the porn star reels he likes.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Liked by. Oh, no, that's. Yeah, that. Okay.

[B]

There's so much to unpack there.

[C]

So many people do not realize that you can just see who they follow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And the reels that they've liked.

[B]

Sorry for your loss.

[C]

I live boldly. Nudity people know what reels I like. I don't care. I mean, you don't need to know what your dad was like and when you didn't think anyone was watching. No, that's.

[B]

That's a bit much. I support your decision.

[C]

I loved the chuckle of knowing that you knew exactly what the hell you were about to drop on this pod.

[B]

With respect, you knew what you were doing to us.

[C]

And now we all know that we haven't had that bad of a day.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[C]

Next.

[A]

My name is Spencer from California. She her. And situationships do not exist. You're either dating or they just don't like you. If you're going on dates and having sex, you're dating any other situation. You're letting people label the fact that they don't like you and you don't have the self respect to end it.

[B]

Wow. Spicy take. Is it true though?

[C]

If you're like, I guess we're in a situationship, it just means I don't claim you.

[B]

I think it depends.

[C]

But it's fun, isn't it? It's a situation. Yeah, the situation is you don't love me.

[B]

Depends if both people agree. It's the situationship.

[C]

That is exactly it. If it's a one way situationship, then maybe you need to have a conversation. If it's a two way one, Girls get it.

[B]

Are we in a situationship? We never labeled ourselves. This is a situation.

[C]

Holy fuck. This is a situationship.

[B]

It is.

[C]

And what the hell is this situation?

[B]

I don't know. I would have to think about it.

[C]

Oh my God. This is what happens, Phil, if you don't label. It's vague.

[B]

I don't like labels.

[C]

Which one of us needs to put a thing on this?

[B]

Put a what on what?

[C]

Rings away from me next.

[A]

Hi, I'm Charlotte from Derbyshire.

[C]

Hi.

[A]

I would like to hard launch that. My child likes you more than she likes me and her dad. If I put her in bed, she screams. If her dad puts her in bed, she screams.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If we put her in bed with a Dan and Phil video playing in the background, that's it. She's gone. She's out like a light. She also runs into the living room during the day, points at the TV and asks for Dada. And at first we again thought, maybe this is just she wants a dad. Maybe she wants to call daddy at work. No, what she wants is Dan and Phil on the tv.

[B]

Oh, my God, Dan. We are fathers. We raised a child. High five me, man.

[C]

Should we wait? Nothing gets your kid to sleep like watching Dan and Phil. We're so fucking boring that they just get knocked out.

[B]

Or like, gross. Whoa. I hope it's not the old gaming videos where you're just screaming your head off.

[C]

Oh, as opposed to this new content, which is so child friendly.

[B]

I guess either way, it's terrible.

[C]

Yeah, you need to make sure that you turn that off before they learn new words. Although don't they say that, like, the early language acquisition era is like, the most important one?

[B]

It's important. Maybe we should say something educational and nice just in case the child is listening.

[C]

The child.

[B]

Did you know that oxbow lakes are formed when a meander goes too far?

[C]

And that is the only thing that British education will do.

[B]

All right, we saved it.

[C]

We saved it. Wholesome. Wow, that was a good selection.

[B]

That was a great selection. I think we heard from producer Layla there is one more, but it is too rude to play on this part of the podcast.

[C]

That is terrible. Well, after the dead dad reels and the ketamine and juicy psychosis.

[B]

So we're gonna do that one on Patreon, just in case you're wondering where that went.

[C]

And yeah, we heard all about Phil's early porn editing career earlier, so that should be fun. Okay, if you wanna send in one name location to hardlaunchpodcastmail.com thank you so much for being part of this eclectic community.

[B]

I feel like we've really got a nice group of people listening now.

[C]

When the aliens Come, everyone listening to this podcast.

[B]

We love being in your ears.

[C]

And we love cats.

[B]

I think that's enough. I think we need to end this now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

So, in conclusion, we do have hope for humanity.

[B]

Yeah. And have a lovely life.

[C]

And no matter what partners you choose or what career paths you go down, it'll all work out in the end.

[B]

Even that situationship. Look where it is now.

[A]

Bye.

[C]

Bye.

[A]

Love is Blind. Love island, the Bachelor, the Ultimatum, Sex in the City, Bridgerton, White Lotus. If dating reality shows, rom coms, smutty romance novels, and the like are your jam, you're in good company. Welcome to Two Black Girls One Rose, a podcast uncovering what we can learn about modern dating, love and relationships from popular television. I'm Natasha. And I'm Justine. We're best friends, TV and film fanatics and hopeless romantics. And every week on our podcast we're dissecting your favorite guilty pleasures, unpacking the mess, laughing at the drama, and trying to make sense of this thing called love. Are all men narcissists? How much should your mama know about your relationship? Is a person twice divorced a walking red flag? These are just some of the questions we attempt to unpack while analyzing your favorite shows. Join us on the couch and listen to 2 Black Girls 1 Rose. Wherever you get your podcasts, save over $200 when you book weekly stays with Vrbo this winter. If you need to work, why not work from a chalet? If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college. You need a week to fully catch up in a snowy cabin. And if you have to stay in a remote place with your in laws, you should save over $200 a week. That's the least we can do. So you might as well start digging out the long johns because saving over $200 on a week long snowcation rental is in the car book [e-mail] dude.

[C]

This new bacon, egg and chicken biscuit from AM PM. Total winner. Winner chicken breakfast.

[B]

Chicken breakfast? Come on. I think you mean chicken dinner, bro. Nah, brother.

[C]

Crispy bacon, fluffy eggs, juicy chicken and a buttery biscuit.

[B]

That's the perfect breakfast. All right, let me try it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, totally. Winner, winner, chicken breakfast. I'm gonna have to keep this right here.

[C]

Make sure sure every breakfast is a winner with the delicious new bacon, egg and chicken biscuit from AM PM ampm.

[B]

Too much good stuff.