Phil sent me an ass video and now I can’t go to the gym

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Phil sent me an ass video and now I can’t go to the gym"

Release Date: March 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

Dan and Phil, in their signature blend of chaotic humor and disarming honesty, recount the aftermath of a particularly ill-timed text from Phil that leaves Dan mortified at the gym. The episode unpacks not only their typically unfiltered dynamic but also dives into pre-holiday stress, airport anxieties, Dan's latest bout of clumsiness, hilarious listener confessions, and Phil's 20-year YouTube anniversary. Amidst banter on everything from emotional support socks to eating Vicks Vaporub, they weave in reflections on their shared history and evolving digital lives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Infamous "Ass Video" Incident

[01:00 – 02:32]

• Dan recounts being at a gym smoothie bar when Phil sends him "a video of a naked man twerking hanging from the ceiling." The notification pops up as he tries to pay contactless, causing the cashier to make awkward, knowing eye contact.
  • Dan: "Phil has sent me a video of a naked man twerking hanging from the ceiling." (01:16)
  • Phil: "That's on you. If you open my text in public, you never know what you're gonna get. What the fuck did you send me? That when you get with Phil, you get with chaos." (01:34)
• Phil justifies it as “gymspiration” and a merciful way to spare Dan from doomscrolling on Twitter.
  • Phil: "I thought I’d give you some gymspiration." (02:07)
• The story becomes a running joke about Dan never being able to return to that gym.

2. Pre-Holiday Chaos & Mental Check-Out

[02:32 – 04:47]

• The duo are recording right before leaving for holiday; packing (or lack thereof) leads to bickering.
  • Phil: “Will we ever be prepared for anything?” (02:57)
  • Dan: “There’s no excuse for why we’re so last minute when it comes to packing.” (02:59)
• Phil worries obsessively over a specific "lucky" sock, prompting Dan to suggest not speculating on its purpose.
  • Phil: "I'm not saying it's my wank sock. I'm just saying it's a good night... like, I have lucky socks." (03:21)
• Both acknowledge that Phil has mentally “checked out” early, citing the need for this break for Dan’s mental health and Phil’s boundaries.
  • Dan: "Phil mentally checked out about three days ago." (04:47)

3. Holiday Dangers & Self-Referential Jokes

[03:51 – 06:32]

• Banter around their past travel mishaps ("why we nearly died scenarios"), with Phil jokingly manifesting shark attacks and Dan referencing superstition.
  • Dan: "Three for three, we have had a why we nearly died scenario. So something will happen." (03:55)
• A tongue-in-cheek “message from the future” bit post-holiday, involving hospital trips and a near-penis-loss gag.
  • Phil: “We managed to reattach Dan’s penis. It all worked out.” (06:04)

4. Airport Anxiety & Opposing Personalities

[06:47 – 11:57]

• Dan is serenely chill at airports, while Phil is a stress ball, unable to multitask through security.
  • Dan: “There is no reason why this shit has to be stressful. It’s not that bad.” (07:13)
  • Phil: "I just can't focus on the passport situation." (07:30)
• Classic bickering over Dan's complicated bag and Phil's inability to find the right pocket.
  • Dan: “You know what bag it is… in that moment, Phil just goes, the pressure is too high." (10:57)
  • Phil: "That's what your bag is. There's 900 pockets, and they all look the same and they're all on the left." (11:07)
• Both attempt to offer relationship affirmations, teasingly masquerading as therapy.
  • Phil: "I like that in our partnership, you still want to ask me questions." (11:39)

5. Airport & Travel Therapy / Humor

[12:19 – 13:07]

• Phil half-seriously suggests traveling separately to avoid airport stress; Dan’s trust issues suggest otherwise.
  • Dan: “I don't trust you to make a connection by yourself.” (11:57)
• Both clarify that their arguments are just banter, not serious.
  • Dan: "This is banter." (12:33)
  • Phil: "It's banter." (12:33)

6. Clumsiness Escalation

[16:11 – 18:11]

• Dan narrates a spectacular hot sauce accident where he spills an entire pot in his lap—and on Phil’s shorts—culminating in a half-naked, diapered dash to avoid staining the carpet.
  • Dan: “I just go. And then I had no choice but to lift up the pot. And then that made it just go... It glooped everywhere.” (17:00–17:05)
  • Phil: “It was my shorts as well. You're in my favorite green shorts… it was, like, dripping through your crotch onto the sofa.” (17:12)

7. News Segment - Storm Names and English Oddities

[18:40 – 21:49]

• Phil brings up people requesting whimsical storm names like "Stormy McStormface" and "Elon Gust."
  • Dan: "Do British people need to get over thing McThingface?" (19:28)
• Annual wife-carrying contest in Dorking, England, leads to jokes about a "pegging contest."
• Phil's animal-rescue skills spark references to his history luring animals for their own good, likening himself to the Pied Piper of injured animals.

8. On Being Online & Phil’s 20th YouTube Anniversary

[27:35 – 30:10]

• Phil marks 20 years on YouTube, reflecting on his early days, first subscribers, and how “vlog” meant “video blog.”
  • Phil: "It's my 20 year YouTuber versary at the end of this week. Can you believe that? 20, 20 years of me just being annoying on the internet." (27:35)
  • Phil: "I know more YouTube than I don't know YouTube." (27:53)
• They muse about “simpler times,” bad cereal box webcams, and why they’re grateful for their long-standing community.
  • Dan: “Imagine a world before there was literally any social media culture. Phil Lester, who the fuck were you talking to?” (28:28)
  • Phil: "But it's been a wonderful adventure and I'm excited to continue it. Especially now I've got a partner in crime." (30:10)

9. “What Would You Be Arrested For?” Segment

[30:54 – 33:24]

• Phil recalls the time he tweeted that his grandma ate Vicks Vaporub, and inadvertently inspired someone to pretend to eat a spoonful for clout, sparking a brief health panic.
  • Dan: “Phil's mum told him once that his grandma ate Vick's Vapor Ruby when she felt congested...That is toxic.” (31:21-31:27)
  • Phil: "Are we gonna get sued by Vicks as well?" (32:31)
• Dan says his own arrest-worthy offense would be causing accidental chaos when trying to help, referencing a dentist incident and an imagined plane disaster.

10. Listener Confessions ("Hard Launches")

[33:24 – 36:42]

• Three confessions, all involving cats:
  • Ali from Australia nonchalantly accepts her cat may eat her if she dies ("I don't want to bring him down with me. His name is Frumpkin...").
  • Anna’s cat "hard launches" another one.
  • Maddie from London misidentifies a teacher in cosplay as a "fanny" on the tube, not realizing it’s World Book Day.
    • Dan: “You walked up to them and said, are you a fanny?” (36:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you open my text in public, you never know what you're gonna get. What the fuck did you send me? That when you get with Phil, you get with chaos.” — Phil Lester (01:34)
• “Phil has mentally checked out about three days ago.” — Dan Howell (04:47)
• “There is no reason why this shit has to be stressful. It's not that bad." — Dan Howell, on airports (07:13)
• "I like that in our partnership, you still want to ask me questions." — Phil Lester (11:39)
• "You know, you know, we all know." — Phil Lester, on the sock situation (03:14)
• "I'm not saying it's my wank sock. I'm just saying it's a good night. Like, I have lucky socks." — Phil Lester (03:21)
• “I would say you're quite hyper for someone who mentally checked out two days ago.” — Dan Howell (24:46)
• “It's my 20 year YouTuber versary... 20 years of me just being annoying on the Internet.” — Phil Lester (27:35)
• “I don't want my cat to starve and die if I die.” – Listener Ali (33:31)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:00 – 02:32: The ass video incident and gym mortification
• 02:32 – 04:47: Packing chaos, lucky sock debate, "checked out" Phil
• 06:47 – 11:57: Airport stress, relationship therapy, classic Dan & Phil roles
• 16:11 – 18:11: Dan's latest clumsy disaster (hot sauce)
• 18:40 – 21:49: Silly storm names and quirky English traditions
• 27:35 – 30:10: Phil's 20-year YouTube anniversary and reflection
• 30:54 – 33:24: Vicks Vaporub, arrest scenarios, and internet responsibility
• 33:24 – 36:42: Listener confessions centered on cats

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Tone & Style

• The mood is unapologetically chaotic, irreverent, and intimate—true to Dan and Phil’s established rapport. The humor is candidly raunchy at times, with affectionate teasing, swift exchanges, and rapid-fire callbacks.
• While often farcical, the episode’s discussions about long-term partnership dynamics, early YouTube nostalgia, and anxiety weave in genuine warmth and vulnerability.

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Closing Notes

For listeners who haven’t tuned in, this episode is classic Dan & Phil: a wild ride spanning public embarrassment, lifelong friendship, and absurd confessions, all sprinkled with meta-commentary on internet culture and the peculiarities of everyday life. If you’re after “oversharing they may regret, but can never take back,” this is the Hard Launch ethos in full, unfiltered effect.

Transcript

[Dan Howell]

So good, so good, so good.

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[Dan Howell]

Phil sent me an insane text in public and now I can't go to the gym anymore.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, it was not that bad.

[Dan Howell]

I was buying a shake contactless payment lady looking at me over my phone. And Phil sends me. How do I show this on social media?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe explain it with your words?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I get the little notification from Phil text. I try to swipe away the notification and I do not swipe. I tap it, opens up the text and Phil has sent me a video of a naked man twerking hanging from the ceiling.

[Phil Lester]

I thought you'd enjoy it. That's on you. If you open my text in public, you never know what you're gonna get. What the fuck did you send me? That when you get with Phil, you get with chaos.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, this is what I saw.

[Phil Lester]

Are you not impressed?

[Dan Howell]

Why did you send me a video file? This wasn't a link to a tweet.

[Phil Lester]

I just found it on Twitter. But I know you don't like going on Twitter, so I thought I'd save you the stre.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you're like, Dan, I don't wanna send you into like a doom scrolling thing on Twitter. No. So I'm just gonna download this naked guy video and text it to you. So now it's on both of our phone hard drives.

[Phil Lester]

I thought I'd give you some gymspiration.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks.

[Phil Lester]

So did the person see?

[Dan Howell]

Well, I immediately locked my phone. She tried to play like she didn't see it, but she had. Cause she went like this. And then we just looked at each other for five seconds.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And I can never show my face there again. I'm sorry, that is not a gym appropriate piece of content.

[Phil Lester]

You could have taken it, shown a personal trainer, and said, let me have a bit of that.

[Dan Howell]

You are dangerous. I'm gonna. That's the end of this podcast. But I'm protecting my space.

[Phil Lester]

You want more? Do you want to know a secret? No, not actually here right now. Dan and Phil are currently on holiday and we're filming this the day before we leave.

[Dan Howell]

We are filming this as we're packing.

[Phil Lester]

We should be packing. No, we have not packed.

[Dan Howell]

No preparation.

[Phil Lester]

Will we ever be prepared for anything?

[Dan Howell]

There's no excuse for why we're so last minute when it comes to packing. No. However, I managed to do it in the nick of time. And you're always freaking out about that one sock you can't find.

[Phil Lester]

I need that specific sock, otherwise everything's gonna be ruined.

[Dan Howell]

Don't let the Internet speculate on why you need that specific sock, please.

[Phil Lester]

You know, you know, we all know.

[Dan Howell]

Well, now you've gotta say something. Say one thing that explains that it's lucky.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not saying it's my wank sock. I'm just saying it's a good night. Like, I have lucky socks.

[Dan Howell]

Boo.

No.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry for saying wank socks over the instant podcast.

[Dan Howell]

It is way too soon to say wank socks.

[Phil Lester]

Let's just mute that.

[Dan Howell]

Anyway, welcomes to Hard Mondays with Dan and Phil. Yowza.

[Phil Lester]

Are you excited to be on this holiday, though?

[Dan Howell]

It's just so funny thinking that as they consume this male podcast episode, you are having your left leg eaten by a shark.

[Phil Lester]

Are you thinking we're gonna have a why we nearly died scenario again?

[Dan Howell]

I'm just saying. Three for three, we have had a why we nearly died scenario. So something will happen. No. And it is happening right now.

[Phil Lester]

As they watch this, all the manifestation people are gonna be thinking, we shouldn't be saying this.

[Dan Howell]

People are in a circle going, pontoon, pontoon, pontoon. Stop it.

[Phil Lester]

Can we think sunny weather, sunbathe, little fish, massage tiny crab, mojito, climbing up a wall and twerking in my Speedos.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, in your Speedos.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not gonna full ass out. Not on the resort.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, I was imagining you would be doing this from the privacy of the hotel room. In your mind. You're doing this in the lobby of the resort.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, I was between two palm trees. Just, like, jiggling it.

[Dan Howell]

So, as you can tell, Phil is mentally cooked and we're actually taking this holiday for my mental health.

[Phil Lester]

Something's gone wrong with me this week.

[Dan Howell]

From my boundaries.

[Phil Lester]

I've really checked out.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Phil mentally checked out about three days ago. I've been trying to get Phil. I'm like, phil, what about the next YouTube video?

[Phil Lester]

He's like, I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know who I am. Phil, can you look at that email? I forgot password. I don't think you have.

[Phil Lester]

I forgot.

[Dan Howell]

Why is your phone just in the middle of the table?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, just in case I get a call. You know, I've got my contacts ready to go at any moment.

[Dan Howell]

Hi. Who's gonna call you? It's the police, it's the army, it's the un.

[Phil Lester]

They're all on my speed dial.

[Dan Howell]

Mm.

[Phil Lester]

Mm. Yeah. He's got curly hair. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Wow.

[Phil Lester]

Send them.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's priorities. He wants to sort Dan out when he has this level of power. What's that fish sticker? Show the people. Tell the people. For the listeners. Phil has a small sticker on his face.

[Phil Lester]

It's a loose sticker. And I thought that wherever it falls in the phone is kind of representation of how I'm feeling. So today it's.

[Dan Howell]

That's a metaphor for your life. A loose sticker shaking about in the

[Phil Lester]

inside of your phone case, it's swimming downwards.

[Dan Howell]

Today it's a small green fish plummeting down towards the sea as if it's giving up on life.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what we could do? What? We could send a message from the future now to see what Dan and Phil are up to as we speak.

[Dan Howell]

So here's us talking about the future. Let's now get a message from Dan

[Phil Lester]

and Phil on their whole day between two palm trees. Hello.

[Dan Howell]

What up, listeners?

[Phil Lester]

We're on holiday.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil here from the other side of the world. How are you doing?

[Phil Lester]

Don't worry, there's been no incidents this time.

[Dan Howell]

Everything is okay.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We did get back from the hospital, but nothing essential was lost.

[Phil Lester]

We managed to reattach Dan's penis. It all worked out.

[Dan Howell]

What was the surgery?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Enlargement, maybe removal.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Let's just stop thinking.

[Phil Lester]

Don't worry about this.

[Dan Howell]

But we are fine. Do not worry. You don't need to call the un, the lifeguard, the police.

[Phil Lester]

We will chill.

[Dan Howell]

Or the library. We're fine. And we'll be back soon for the next episode.

[Phil Lester]

Bye.

[Dan Howell]

Wow, that was nice. Wasn't It.

[Phil Lester]

We look so relaxed. And no shark injuries.

[Dan Howell]

What happened to my skin, Dan? I didn't need that arm. And look, you really serve.

[Phil Lester]

Why did you choke on that Scrabble piece?

[Dan Howell]

Gonorrhea. You're passing it off.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. We're not going to the sand dunes.

[Dan Howell]

We're over that.

[Phil Lester]

We're over the sand dunes.

[Dan Howell]

We've got to get through the stress of the pre holiday experience.

[Phil Lester]

You are so annoying in an airport.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is so stressed in an airport for no reason. No.

[Phil Lester]

Can I just break this down? Yes. We walk to the check in desk.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I need to focus on what's happening. And Dan will ask me.

[Dan Howell]

I've got my boarding pass on my wallet, on my phone. I have got my things in hand. I know what I'm doing. It's chilling. I come from a stressful airport family, and when I became an adult, I stood back and I went, there is no reason why this shit has to be stressful. It's not that bad. So I'm stood there, I'm chilling, and I say, hey, Phil, what'd you think of the episode of Traitors last night? And Phil goes, don't talk to me right now.

[Phil Lester]

I just can't focus on the passport situation.

[Dan Howell]

Stop it.

[Phil Lester]

And you're like, what's your phone?

[Dan Howell]

I'm being serious, Dan. No, I'm being serious. Don't talk to me right now.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just saying. Can you just ask me the question when we're through security? I can't think about two things at once.

[Dan Howell]

What do you need to think about? Someone's gonna go, I've got your passport. And then you go, boop.

[Phil Lester]

But they were like, have you got any explosives in your bag? And then you say, you have to

[Dan Howell]

lock in to answer that question. Because then why do you need a minute of meditation?

[Phil Lester]

Because you then say, phil, what's your favorite roller coaster? I look at the woman and go, yes, I have a bomb.

[Dan Howell]

I have 15 lithium batteries. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Because I can't process two things at once. I've got one of those brains. I can only focus on one thing and one thing only.

[Dan Howell]

And what's that? The video of the man throwing ass on the wall.

[Phil Lester]

Large butts.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

On that pilot swinging from the plane. Level three. What the fuck with the hat on? Nothing else.

[Dan Howell]

I'm going past this. Okay. Yeah. I guess I need to respect that you're the type of person that is nervous.

[Phil Lester]

Respect that also. You annoy me at the airport.

[Dan Howell]

Is this not the moment where you go and Dan I will respect that. You something, something.

[Phil Lester]

No, I like that you are curious and want to ask me questions. And Even in this 16 year situation partnership, you have still got things to talk about with me. That's lovely. But also, when you go through security,

[Dan Howell]

I'm waiting for the butt. Do you know what I mean? Like, what the fuck is this?

[Phil Lester]

You've always got water in your bag. Yeah. Aren't you?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And that stresses me out because then in my mind I'm like, do I

[Dan Howell]

have a gun in the way that I ident.

[Phil Lester]

I know I don't, but I feel like I do when the security stops you.

[Dan Howell]

So I think there's a spectrum.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Gay 5. Where are you on the spectrum? You said you're like a 10, right?

[Phil Lester]

Why are we talking about that? I was talking about this gun in my back.

[Dan Howell]

You are 100% gay.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I have accidentally got a bottle of water and gun. Not the same level of stress insecurity.

[Phil Lester]

I see what you mean, but that is stressful to me.

[Dan Howell]

Water bottle is bi. Curious. Gun is like Phil Lester gay.

[Phil Lester]

I know. I've never even touched a gun in my head. Yeah, there is something in my bag. There's like a bag of heroin.

[Dan Howell]

A bag.

[Phil Lester]

I don't. I know I don't have it. I get the stress. So then when you're saying, phil, what's your favorite kind of dog? I just can't focus.

[Dan Howell]

People would love to have Dan Airport on the stage.

[Phil Lester]

Also, Dan has the most.

[Dan Howell]

Shut up. I do not identify, as we've established, as a clumsy person. I like to think I'm so regal and refined and serious. I'm actually a ditzy bitch, much to my chagrin. I also don't identify. I'm a very organized airport person. I'm so good at airports, there is a 50% chance I forgot to remove the bottle of water.

[Phil Lester]

That's because you've got the most ridiculous backpack with 900 zips and pockets. I don't even understand what's going on with. You're like, phil, can you reach into my flap? And I'm like, Which of the 19 flaps?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, you. Everyone's like, my dads are fighting. You aren't even ready for this one. You aren't even ready for round three. He's like, top left, there is a pocket if you want to mug Dan Howell where I always keep my passport. It is in the top left side pocket of my bag because it's easy to get. I swing it off my shoulder. I Go, zip. Whip it out.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It's where I put it. Phil knows this. I've had the same bag for five years. Okay, we're in the line. I want to get it. I say, phil, can you get my passport out of the bag? You know what bag it is.

[Phil Lester]

But you know.

[Dan Howell]

And in that moment, Phil just goes, the pressure is too high. It's the left side. And Phil goes,

[Phil Lester]

but you know that meme when someone's, like, trying to pick a button when they work at a shop and there's like a million things on the screen? That's what your bag is. There's 900 pockets, and they all look the same and they're all on the left. So you're just like the left top one.

[Dan Howell]

I think maybe I just need to accept that you are the way you are and that it's not valid or good or convenient or useful. But in life, we should all have patience for things that people can't help.

[Phil Lester]

Well, now we've got that. How are you.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, this is when you say something nice about me. See, I just said I'm gonna accept.

[Phil Lester]

I said that you. I like that in our partnership, you still want to ask me questions.

[Dan Howell]

Just not in an airport.

[Phil Lester]

Just not in an airport.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Now we've got that therapy out of the way, we're gonna have a lovely time, aren't we? I think once we get on the plane, we'll be all right. It's just the airport that stresses me out. Maybe we could travel separately. So we just skip the airport bit, and then we arrive at the resort and meet each other.

[Dan Howell]

I don't trust you to make a connection by yourself.

[Phil Lester]

No, I could do it. I can follow the signs.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe I'll book you a helper.

[Phil Lester]

Well, a little greeter.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe you can go on the little beep, beep, beep thing.

[Phil Lester]

That'd be fun.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah. Oh, this next episode, we're gonna have near death stories. We're not. We're gonna talk about so Zen.

[Phil Lester]

We're Zen. And we're talk about how smooth the airport experience was together. We're gonna love it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

To clarify, we're joking. We actually like each other. And we do want to go to the airport together. Just before people are like, my dad's.

[Dan Howell]

That wasn't a serious thing.

[Phil Lester]

They're divorcing.

[Dan Howell]

This is banter.

[Phil Lester]

It's banter.

[Dan Howell]

This is the male podcast. This is.

[Phil Lester]

That's how we ban.

[Dan Howell]

We're joshing around.

[Phil Lester]

We're joshing hard. No, joshing soft. Joshing Josh.

[Dan Howell]

Leave Josh alone.

[Phil Lester]

Good news. Now, we've had a drought, haven't we?

[Dan Howell]

You're saying we've got good news and it's that they're about to watch a podcast sponsorship.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no. This is good news. We're about to be completely wet.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, it's good news for us. We're dripping pay for our flight.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna be dripping with ads for this episode, maybe not the next one.

[Dan Howell]

So today, soak it in and we'll be back after this message.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know they say buses all come at the same time. Our buses have came today. And here's the first.

[Dan Howell]

We've got a bouquet of brand deals.

[Phil Lester]

We're not gonna want that. Just before we start talking about it, let's say something wholesome, whole bible.

[Dan Howell]

We'll be back after these messages.

[Phil Lester]

Since seeing a musical, we've got the tingle to see more shows.

[Dan Howell]

You've been to the clinic, right?

[Phil Lester]

I have been to the clinic.

[Dan Howell]

No, we wanna go out more and sometimes we get stressed. Logistics of it. But these things do not have to be scary.

[Phil Lester]

They don't. Shout out to the sponsor of today's

[Dan Howell]

video, SeatGeek, the number one rated ticketing app. You can see a musical, you can see a sport, of which we have seen three.

[Phil Lester]

We could see more sports, you can

[Dan Howell]

see your favorite band, which is Muse. Oh, they're not on tour right now, Phil. Sorry. I would have accepted Bruno Mars, bts, Ariana Grande.

[Phil Lester]

That's not a good answer. Lady Gaga.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That's who you choose.

[Phil Lester]

Right now you can see rating of seats of SeatGeek from 1 to 10.

[Dan Howell]

What would this inflatable chair be?

[Phil Lester]

This would be 11, mate.

[Dan Howell]

If this was parked in the middle of an arena right in front of Harry Styles. You're on the inflatable couch. He's out to hit the high note and then you just hit that. Yes, he's gonna look right at you.

[Phil Lester]

He will.

[Dan Howell]

That is green rated 10 on SeatGeek and US peeps.

[Phil Lester]

Constant season is right around the corner. And to make it even better, get ready. You can use code DAN&PHIL10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets.

[Dan Howell]

That is 10% off tickets with promo code DANANDPHIL10.

[Phil Lester]

Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so that you can use it.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, seatgeek. So, a lesson. USA girlies, this one's for you.

[Phil Lester]

People ask Dan and Phil, how do you feed yourselves?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, if they've seen Our baking videos. They really think, how do you stay alive on a day to day basis?

[Phil Lester]

Not with those meringues. Well, thank God for the sponsor of today's video. Who? People who make it easy. Hello, fresh.

[Dan Howell]

Mm. You see, when you have someone in your life that mistakes garlic cloves for

[Phil Lester]

entire garlic bowls, it's a simple mistake.

[Dan Howell]

You understand why it can be good to have things like ingredients sent to you, instructions to follow, but it's nice

[Phil Lester]

and wholesome to cook something homemade for you.

[Dan Howell]

It doesn't hit different when it comes out of a tub.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

When Phil stood there over the pan, throwing in a hundred spices, chopping with

[Phil Lester]

a knife, looking all.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, you're making it sound scary. Oh, you were saying?

[Phil Lester]

Like macho, macho.

[Dan Howell]

I'm a chef.

[Phil Lester]

I can chop.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That's how Phil sees himself cooking.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You enjoy that.

[Phil Lester]

There's more than a hundred recipes as well. All kinds of diets, seasonal produce.

[Dan Howell]

So if you want to cook but

[Phil Lester]

need help like us, go to hellofresh.com danandp10fm to get 10 free meals plus

[Dan Howell]

a freeze willing knife at 144.99 value on your third box.

[Phil Lester]

Careful offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan.

[Dan Howell]

That needs to be twice as fast to sound like an ad. We'll speed it up a bit in

[Phil Lester]

an edit we tried.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, thanks.

[Phil Lester]

Hellofresh. Dan's clumsiness has reached a new height.

[Dan Howell]

A new low.

[Phil Lester]

A new low.

[Dan Howell]

I think that I'm degrading. Something's what's happening to you?

[Phil Lester]

I feel like because I was the clumsy guy. I was the clumsy guy. You are the clumsy guy. I rubbed off on you, and now you've got the clumsarus.

[Dan Howell]

Clumsitis. Chlamydia. No, that's actually just. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Dan spilled a whole hot sauce pot on his crotch. The entire thing.

[Dan Howell]

It was so fucking trash.

[Phil Lester]

And you know what makes it more worse?

[Dan Howell]

I was having my fries on a Saturday. I was ready to dip, and then I was like, I'm just gonna bump my knee into the table. And the entire pot of hot sauce just went bloop.

[Phil Lester]

It was the first dip as well.

[Dan Howell]

We were about to start eating. You know when you're like, the moment's here, the meal's here. I'm so ready.

[Phil Lester]

Let's fry.

[Dan Howell]

And then I just go. And then I had no choice but to lift up the pot. And then that made it just go.

[Phil Lester]

It glooped everywhere.

[Dan Howell]

My orange Nashville hot sauce.

[Phil Lester]

Making it worse. It was my shorts as well. You're in my favorite green shorts.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I couldn't find any of my shorts. I was wearing your shorts.

[Phil Lester]

It was, like, dripping through your crotch onto the sofa.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I ruined it. Thank God we didn't have friends there because I stood up, whipped the shorts off straight away.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Stood there in my adult diaper. The hot sauce. I was, like, trying to hold it, like, quickly open the door. Phil sat there with a burger in his hand, like, what's happening right now? And I'm just stood there, caked up. Yeah, I wish. And I just started screaming, open the door. Now I've got an active drip situation. A drip.

[Phil Lester]

Uation.

[Dan Howell]

I need to get this away from the carpet immediately.

[Phil Lester]

It kind of worked.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we've got a few drips, so that was upsetting.

[Phil Lester]

What's wrong with you, though? Do we need to send you to one of those schools where they make you walk with a book on your head?

[Dan Howell]

I could do that. It's just that when I'm relaxed.

[Phil Lester]

Could you do it? Can we put a book on his head? I want you to walk. Oh, my God. Don't do that. That's glass. He's putting a glass on his head. Wait. It's okay, Right? Leave that there for the next half hour.

[Dan Howell]

All right, what's next? Phil?

[Phil Lester]

That's very impressive. Actually. He's fully balancing his glass in his head.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, they can see Phil's on camera,

[Phil Lester]

not on the listeners.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah, that's so true. Hi, people listening on Spotify right now. I've put my glass on my head.

[Phil Lester]

What's happening?

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is just a natural range of movement.

[Phil Lester]

I'm stressed.

[Dan Howell]

What do you mean this is happening? You talked shit. I've got a glass on my head now.

[Phil Lester]

I'm stressed.

[Dan Howell]

Eat it, bitch.

[Phil Lester]

I don't like it.

[Dan Howell]

Well, you fucked around.

[Phil Lester]

Take it off.

[Dan Howell]

Well, what do you have to say?

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. News. Serious storms. Someone did an official Freedom of Information request to the Met Office.

[Dan Howell]

Just because the weather people are part of the government doesn't mean you should bother them with your nonsense. Okay? Just because they have to reply to your emails, is this a misuse of power?

[Phil Lester]

They had to do it of the people. They're asking what people have asked the storms to be caused.

[Dan Howell]

You can request names for storms. They don't have to listen to you. But they were like, all right, you want to know? Here's what people have been asking the next hurricane to be.

[Phil Lester]

We had Elon Gust.

[Dan Howell]

Shut.

[Phil Lester]

No, Keir Stormer.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine getting your car killed by a tree by Elon Gust. I would be so fucking mad.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised.

[Listener Ali]

Here.

[Dan Howell]

Stormer, Let me alone.

[Phil Lester]

Stormy McStormface.

[Dan Howell]

How do you feel about that?

[Phil Lester]

It feels.

[Dan Howell]

Do British people need to get over thing McThingface?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe it's time.

[Dan Howell]

Is it the eternal meme? Boaty McBoatface was funny.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

But if we're now saying I was killed by Stormy McStormface, is that funny what killed your nan? Oh, it was Stormy McStormface. LOL.

[Phil Lester]

Storm Phil injured a few people. That was stressful.

[Dan Howell]

That's all right. That just makes sense to me. Stormzy. That's fucking funny.

[Phil Lester]

That's a good one. Storm.

[Dan Howell]

Stormzy. Hello. But then they did reveal. Sorry, we're not gonna choose any of those because they're silly. However, you can expect Storm Amy, Storm Patrick and Storm Wubbo coming soon.

[Phil Lester]

Great. Are straight people okay?

[Dan Howell]

Is this okay?

[Phil Lester]

The annual wife carrying contest in Dorking, England.

[Dan Howell]

Happened. That happened. Happened.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. You gotta carry your wife 400 meters.

[Dan Howell]

Some lady apparently can borrow someone's wife.

[Phil Lester]

Could you carry me 400 meters? Do you reckon everyone's gonna be like,

[Dan Howell]

do a Phil squat.

[Phil Lester]

Do a Phil squat.

[Dan Howell]

No, squ. Can we blame the Straits for this? I think it's just an English thing. Dorking England, English people. Viking role play. I hate everything about this. However, quite appropriately, it was won by a Finnish man called Teemu.

[Phil Lester]

Great name with two E's. Timu.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Congratulations, Timu Ass sport. I feel like the wives should push their husbands down a hill instead.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

See how far they roll.

[Dan Howell]

Annual pegging contest of Dorking. Too right.

[Phil Lester]

Pegging Steve strategy saves rhino. An endangered white rhino with an eye infection. Or was lured into a tight space with snacks so they could give it eye drops.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you pioneered this with Steve the pigeon.

[Phil Lester]

I did.

[Dan Howell]

Seeds into a cat carrier, pull the string, snap.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe I could be an animal lurer. Lure?

[Dan Howell]

You're the Pied Piper of injured animals. Yeah, and Steve was albino. So was the rhino. If you have a white animal that has some kind of injury, Phil will come to you wherever you are in the world and lure it with food.

[Phil Lester]

I will scuttle that ferret into a tight space.

[Dan Howell]

I think that's a gay thing. You're not allowed to say that.

[Phil Lester]

You know what I mean.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, when the bleached sperm whale gets stuck in the Mariana Trench, what are you gonna do?

[Phil Lester]

Give it a jelly bean. A single jelly bean down the blowhole

[Dan Howell]

for it to get filtered through its Krill Guild. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Not down the blowhole. They can't eat through their blowhole.

[Dan Howell]

That is not how whale anatomy works. No fanfic writers. Okay. Yeah. That was a good week in the news. Thanks for that, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And now here's Carol with the weather.

[Phil Lester]

No, Carol, actually, it's Phil with another spawn.

[Dan Howell]

And look, it's safe to say we are creative people. We're not necessarily technically proficient people.

[Phil Lester]

No. We wanted to make a merch box for our fam tier on Shopify, which

[Dan Howell]

was such a cute idea. We just want to send it to these people, make a little thing, have it as a secret object. How do we do that?

[Phil Lester]

It was made easy thanks to the second sponsor. Today it is Shopify, the platform behind

[Dan Howell]

millions of online businesses such as Dan and Phil Shop.

[Phil Lester]

Dan and Phil Shop would not exist without Shopify. We've had so many cool templates, newsletters. And now we got the fabled purple

[Dan Howell]

Shop button, which, if you're forgetful like Phil, don't worry. It knows where you live. It knows your credit card information because you gave it to him. And now it's easy to shop.

[Phil Lester]

And if you've got a dream of opening your own shop, it's time to turn those what ifs into. Yeah. Okay, with Shopify today.

[Dan Howell]

Sign up for your $1 a month trial today at shopify.com Dan Phil.

[Phil Lester]

What was that?

[Dan Howell]

Shopify.com Dan Phil.

[Phil Lester]

One more time for the people at the back.

[Dan Howell]

Shopify.com Dan, Dan and Phil

[Phil Lester]

and swanning in at the last minute.

[Dan Howell]

How could we not do this?

[Phil Lester]

Our bestie.

[Dan Howell]

It would feel wrong.

[Phil Lester]

NORDVPN were like, Dan and Phil, we want to sponsor the podcast and we could not say no.

[Dan Howell]

What are we gonna be doing on holiday? Watching our favorite shows. How do we do that when we're in a different place? We change our location.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Thank you to NordVPN. If you're on a streaming service, you can just click a button and suddenly, yeah, BBC.

[Dan Howell]

I'm in London.

[Phil Lester]

You can see whatever you want it to be.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you're buying a flight, you refresh the page, and suddenly it's twice the price. Not anymore. I'm a totally different person in a different place.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know it's so much cheaper to change your location if you're in Europe.

[Dan Howell]

They're sneaky minxes. That's what VPNs are for.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. You can also hide your data from airport wifi. Snoopers don't know what y' all are

[Dan Howell]

planning to do in the airport. But that airport. WI fi. It's got to be the most snoopable one.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

So if you're looking at men supporting themselves on wall pictures.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Don't let the people see that.

[Phil Lester]

Do you want a special delicious deal? Go to NordVPN.com hardlaunch for a two year plan, plus four months extra and a 30 day money back guarantee.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you, Nord.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks, Nord. You know we love you.

[Dan Howell]

I'm glad that you're keeping us safe. Because without you we'd get arrested in international waters.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. So many products and services, so little time.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. All in one day. Who'd have thought it? Hey.

[Dan Howell]

And one or two you could enjoy. What was that?

[Phil Lester]

There's so many reptiles and so little time. Plus one or two you could avoid. But don't. YouTube. How did that come from? This episode has felt a bit like therapy so far, hasn't it? We got anything else to release?

[Dan Howell]

I would say you're quite hyper for someone who mentally checked out two days ago.

[Phil Lester]

I think that's how it manifests.

[Dan Howell]

Excited.

[Phil Lester]

I'm pretty excited for the holiday. I'm kind of vibrating his chair.

[Dan Howell]

Little kickies out.

[Phil Lester]

I've got the little kickies out.

[Dan Howell]

Like a toddler. For the listeners. Imagine he's really excited.

[Phil Lester]

I even bought some prescription sunglasses off a dodgy website that are not gonna work at all.

[Dan Howell]

Why is the website dodgy? What does this mean?

[Phil Lester]

Because they said they can make them in six hours.

[Dan Howell]

Ask questions. We're gonna give you the prescription sunglasses.

[Phil Lester]

How could they do that?

[Dan Howell]

Did you fucking mug someone?

[Phil Lester]

What's up? I don't know where they're coming from.

[Dan Howell]

How'd you get. Same day delivery.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I'm excited for those to arrive.

[Dan Howell]

Contraband.

[Phil Lester]

I've got quite a large face as well, so sunglasses always look very similar.

[Dan Howell]

There's no way that's gonna fit. You're gonna be like little Dr. Robotnik thing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It's been hard for me this week. Yesterday there was a builder that needed to come over to just do a checkup on things. And all day Phil was like, I just can't concentrate because I know there's a man coming over. And it got to about 4pm and I was like, Phil, write an email, edit a video. And Phil's like, I just can't.

[Phil Lester]

If I know something's happening, I might as well just sit and look at a wall until it happens. Because I've got like the pre readiness.

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is good therapy. Explain to me why someone unscary and not bothersome. Coming to the house to do something that doesn't affect you makes it so that you cannot function in your own space.

[Phil Lester]

Because it turns me into pre ready. Phil, you're on alert. I'm on. It's the same thing as if I'm

[Dan Howell]

on seven hours before it happens.

[Phil Lester]

During you get on a plane.

[Dan Howell]

We've established I can't relate to plane flights.

[Phil Lester]

No. And you've got a movie that you can start playing. I can't start watching it until we've taken off because I'm like pre ready for the takeoff and I can't focus on anything else until I'm like, in the air.

[Dan Howell]

You also can't do that if, like the dinner service has started until you've been served. If you notice if I know has appeared, you're like, pause for 25 minutes. Because I know at some point someone's gonna put a tray on my lap. And if I'm in the middle of watching heated rivalry, that's gonna be a hard pause.

[Phil Lester]

A very hard pause. Even if they're just like, do you want to put something in a bin? I've gotta wait for them to like come all the way.

[Dan Howell]

Phil stood there with a fruit shoot.

[Phil Lester]

Just like, I'm practically practicing in my head. Here's. I'm going to put it in the bin.

[Dan Howell]

Have you got anything to go in the bin? Here you go.

[Phil Lester]

I need to chill. So I was very useless. That means you got to take the federal. Book all the appointments.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, Keir Starmer, look at this, man.

[Phil Lester]

Zach Polanski.

[Dan Howell]

We don't need to ask Zach Polanski.

[Phil Lester]

He's going to legalize.

[Dan Howell]

You need to vote for Zach Polanski. Keir Starmer, I know you're watching Dan and Phil. Hard launch. He needs marijuana,

[Phil Lester]

right?

[Dan Howell]

Please shut the fuck up. Let him sit on a flight.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know, man. I think my nervous, funny energy is quite fun.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Do we need me to be more chill?

[Dan Howell]

Big day for you, though.

[Phil Lester]

Big, big day.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's trying to avoid the upcoming implication

[Phil Lester]

of let's not think about the time.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Let's focus on the coolness of this without thinking about it too much.

[Phil Lester]

It's my 20 year YouTuber versary at the end of this week. Can you believe that? 20, 20 years of me just being annoying on the Internet.

[Dan Howell]

20 year old YouTube channel.

[Phil Lester]

That's crazy, bro.

[Dan Howell]

Your whole life has been YouTube.

[Phil Lester]

I know more YouTube than I don't know YouTube.

[Dan Howell]

To be fair, you weren't always professional YouTube. You were just someone that, like, had the account and was doing it for fun.

[Phil Lester]

There was a website where you could write blogs. And then as part of my blog, I thought, I'm gonna upload a YouTube video, a video blog, as part of that, and put it in.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember when vlog meant a video blog and not just recording what you did that day?

[Phil Lester]

Hi, I'm Phil. Welcome to my video blog, which I hope you're very excited to be a part of. Happy Mother's Day for one. I got my mum this for Mother's Day. It's a monkey trapped in a cage. Hey, help me. Who the hell am I talking to? Why is any of you talk to me about that?

[Dan Howell]

Imagine a world before there was literally any social media culture. Phil, Lester, who the fuck were you talking to?

[Phil Lester]

I'd seen other people making YouTube video blogs. And even if they were talking about the most inane stuff ever, like, oh, my homework is hard, or. Or I've got a new job, I'd just be like, really interested in seeing someone else's life from a different perspective.

[Dan Howell]

It was really just so interesting and cute that other people could just be like, hi, I'm a person, I'm Alanis, I'm 19, I live in Ohio, and today I ate a sandwich. And you'd just be like, holy shit,

[Phil Lester]

this is so cool. I got my first subscriber. Which again is weird cause it's John, who's actually my friend now, but shout out, John. Shout out to John. That's what boosted me. I was like, oh, my God, someone cares.

[Dan Howell]

You connected with another person across the world, the sea.

[Phil Lester]

And then look what happened to my life.

[Dan Howell]

Here I am, big dafuck.

[Phil Lester]

But it's one of those moments where you think, imagine if I just had a different decision. What would have happened?

[Dan Howell]

What would have happened if you didn't get the camcorder in that free cereal box?

[Phil Lester]

Cereal box promos, man. What happened to them? Webcam with five vouchers.

[Dan Howell]

When you look back at that video, which looks like it was filmed in 1922, and people go, wait, is this how bad technology was? No, it wasn't. It's because it literally came. What kind of fuck ass camera comes free in a box of silver?

[Phil Lester]

It was so shit I had to send the vouchers off to get it. It wasn't just free.

[Dan Howell]

It's like my first YouTube video. Cameras weren't that bad. It's just that my shit laptop, the webcam was that bad. I know we had to work with a more wholesome Time.

[Phil Lester]

But I'm happy that everyone's stuck with me, especially those that have been around forever. Thanks for still watching.

[Dan Howell]

Damn, this is hard Launch. You're hard. Stuck in the filverse.

[Phil Lester]

It's never ending, but it's been a wonderful adventure and I'm excited to continue it. Especially now I've got a partner in crime.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, here's to the 40th year anniversary of the Hard Launch podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I can't wait for that.

[Dan Howell]

I'm having an existential crisis, Richard. Oh, here she is.

[Phil Lester]

King Sleek. No, it's your turn.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck the pie chart.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Is it red? I saw that the red is like.

[Phil Lester]

The red is dangerously close to the red.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's another.

[Phil Lester]

It's a yellow ball.

[Dan Howell]

Chartreuse. Are you ready?

[Phil Lester]

I'm ready. Crack. Crack.

[Dan Howell]

Philip Michael Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

What would you be arrested for?

[Phil Lester]

Oh. Oh. Don't eat the ball, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Too late.

[Phil Lester]

People are gonna copy you and choke.

[Dan Howell]

That's gonna be a hard pass later. Are we responsible for that?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was reminding me of the time.

[Phil Lester]

Don't talk about this. No, don't stop.

[Dan Howell]

We can talk about this. Podcast is a long form enough place.

[Phil Lester]

This is what I would be arrested for.

[Dan Howell]

This is actually the answer to the question. That's amazing.

[Phil Lester]

Fuck's sake.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's mum told him once that his grandma ate Vick's Vapor Ruby when she felt congested.

[Phil Lester]

She did.

[Dan Howell]

But you shouldn't do that.

[Phil Lester]

That is toxic.

[Dan Howell]

It's poisonous.

[Phil Lester]

And I tweeted, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just found out my grandma used to eat Vick's Vaporub.

[Dan Howell]

Cause that's fucking funny.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

However, Phil, 10 years ago, impressionable teen audience having to do anything for engagement on Twitter.

[Phil Lester]

People tweeting me going, well, I'm gonna have a bite of it.

[Dan Howell]

One person, reasonable chance you are watching this right now. Thought it would be funny. We think they were joking to get Vixx a giant tablespoon and just be like, I'm gonna try it right now.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm pretty sure they were joking. And I'm pretty sure that is funny. I'm stressed, but we freaked the fuck out.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, do not eat Vicks. It's poisonous.

[Dan Howell]

Phil. I went back on Twitter, had to be like, do not do that. And then we just thought, what if you saying don't do it is gonna make more people do it before the, like, you really? Tide pod. Before Tide pods. Tide pod.

[Phil Lester]

Can we even talk about it? Someone's gonna go eat it now.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil, do not Endorse eating toxic things.

[Phil Lester]

It can make you die. Don't eat it. I'm surprised grandma stayed around as long as she did. If she'd eaten Vicks.

[Dan Howell]

Mm.

[Phil Lester]

Are we gonna get sued by Vicks as well? This is such a no.

[Dan Howell]

I told people not to.

[Phil Lester]

Don't.

[Dan Howell]

So, yeah, Phil's gonna get arrested for talking about his grandma, and you are

[Phil Lester]

gonna get arrested for.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, knowing me. And the dentist incident, it's gonna be for doing something that started off tiny with the best of intentions that ended in the deaths of 25 people.

[Phil Lester]

A spiral of lies.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Where you pretend that you can fly the helicopter because you said you are a pilot.

[Dan Howell]

It was just too awkward to say that I couldn't fly the plane.

[Phil Lester]

You're gonna grab that stick and crash it into a wall.

[Dan Howell]

That will happen, so just start preparing it now. Yeah, I'm gonna use you all to get your alt accounts ready, and then you can be like, I never followed Dan and Phil. It's fine. No, both of those things will happen. All right, let's get a third in. It is time to embolden the listeners to share things that they will get arrested for. Whatever the callers say, we do not claim them.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Unless you say something cute, in which case we're so proud to have you as a member of the community.

[Phil Lester]

Take it away, besties. Hi, Denfil.

[Listener Ali]

Hi. My name is Ali from Australia, and I would like to hard launch that. I actually don't care if my cat eats me when I die. I don't want my cat to starve and die if I die. I don't want to bring him down with me. His name is Frumpkin. He's really sweet, and he loves me, and he wouldn't eat me if he didn't need to.

[Dan Howell]

Aw, I love that it was need and not like there. He could just have a little nibble. No, but he'll only do it if he needs.

[Phil Lester]

If Steve the pigeon was trapped with me and I died, I'd fully let him peck my eyes out, like, who cares?

[Dan Howell]

That was so unnecessarily vivid.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, that's where I imagine a pigeon would go for sustenance. The eye.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you're so right.

[Phil Lester]

Or my tongue.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I mean, and yours is, like, covered in frickin Haribo at anything.

[Phil Lester]

I would.

[Dan Howell]

So that's fine.

[Phil Lester]

I wouldn't let Norman slowly suckle on my hand that fell into the fish tank after I got electrocuted.

[Dan Howell]

Right.

[Phil Lester]

Would you not?

[Dan Howell]

Firstly, this is the worst conversation we've ever had.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

Secondly, I'm dead. I don't give a fuck.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly. That's what I'm saying. I think when you're like, let the dog live and then the ambulance.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you wouldn't want the pet to starve. No. Do your thing. Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

But it's quite a sad scenario, isn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Not for you. You're dead. Who gives a shit?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Eat up.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, Den and Phil. My name is Anna and my cat. But Enya is hard launching another cat.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. That's so cute.

[Dan Howell]

You would do what to her corpse after they died?

[Phil Lester]

Daniel, the cat's not saying they'd eat them.

[Dan Howell]

I think that might have just happened.

[Phil Lester]

I think the cat was saying, they

[Dan Howell]

hard launched it, Phil. They said me yow. And you know what that means.

[Phil Lester]

Chomp, chomp, chomp.

[Dan Howell]

Talk about furball.

[Phil Lester]

Regardless, we love cats iconic cat behavior. They were saying Dan should wear more colour in cats. In cat language.

[Dan Howell]

Shut the fuck up, cat. Thank you for your hard launch. Okay, let's get one more.

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Maddie, I'm from London and I'd like to hard launch the fact that about 10 minutes ago when I was on the London underground, a very corporate looking lady walked on and she had cat whiskers on her face and me being the queer autistic I am, I walked up to her and went, oh, my God, are you a fanny? And she looked at me as if I just shot her nan.

No.

So I proceeded to laugh and be like, oh, sorry, sorry, wrong person. Turned around and sat down. And it then dawned on me that today is World Book Day and she is probably 99% a teacher who is dressed for the day.

You walked up to them and said, are you a fanny?

[Phil Lester]

That was bold.

[Dan Howell]

That's a hate cr.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan Howell]

That's our fault. I am so sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Look what we've unleashed onto the Internet.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. Is that toxic Yuri?

[Phil Lester]

Three cat themed.

[Dan Howell]

Three for three.

[Phil Lester]

Three?

[Dan Howell]

Hell, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And we love hard launches. It's on the wall behind me. I was like, three cats.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

They were hard launches.

[Dan Howell]

What did she think she was asking?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Let's not go dangerous word. We're so sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe go down the line of do you watch Dan and Phil next time? That could have been a bit less

[Dan Howell]

yes than fanny Sounds less crotchy as well.

[Phil Lester]

With a ph.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Just walk up to them and go microwave and then they'll call the police on you. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Beautiful. What a rollercoaster.

[Phil Lester]

And remember you can send in your hard launches short and snappy to Dan and philpodcastmail. Fuck.

[Dan Howell]

No. No.

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What's it?

[Phil Lester]

What is it? No. What is it? Hardlaunchpodcastmail.com Is it? Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Episode 20. You need a holiday.

[Phil Lester]

I need a holiday. But before that, we're gonna have an after party where we're gonna go in deep about some topics such as our crow invasion. I'm not gonna say anything more. Just come to patreon.com Dan and Phil to learn about what's been going on. Also, any free men, you jump in here.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry I said I'd stop doing that, but I was just really excited by the light bulb.

[Phil Lester]

Any member of the Patreon, including the free members, could win a golden pig at any moment. When we draw the golden ball.

[Dan Howell]

Richard, she's holding it deep inside doing the Kegels. And that ball is ready to drop at any moment.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God. You're ruining it. Come sign up if you want to win.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that'll convince them.

[Phil Lester]

Great.

[Dan Howell]

See you next week when we'll be back peg legged to the future and ready to record where we're going.

[Phil Lester]

We don't need eyes because they've been pecked out by seagulls.

[Dan Howell]

Pigeons.

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[Dan Howell]

That's the og.

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