Phil surprised me and now my hand is sticky

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Phil Surprised Me and Now My Hand is Sticky"

Release Date: March 2, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Main Theme:
A chaotic deep-dive into oversharing—covering surprise encounters with strangers, honey mishaps, food experiments, pop culture nostalgia, philosophical musings, and listener confessions. As always, it's unfiltered, very “Dan and Phil” humor, and a celebration of embracing life’s messiness.

---

1. Chaotic Start: The Unplanned House Valuation

Timestamps: 00:59 – 03:38

• Event Breakdown:

  • At 8am, Dan opens the door to an unexpected, well-dressed stranger claiming to be there from HSBC to “value the property.”
  • Dan, confused and in fight-or-flight, just lets him in.
  • Phil, half-naked in Minecraft pajamas, emerges mid-contact lens routine to confront a blurry stranger in his house.
  • The confusion escalates; they realize the man is likely at the wrong address.
  • They awkwardly escort “Richard, the lost real estate agent” out.

• Notable Quotes:

  • Dan: “Are you my dad now?” [00:14]
  • Phil (on the man’s perspective): “At what point is this guy is probably thinking, am I gonna get fucking murdered by these terrifying homosexuals?” [03:01]
  • Dan: “Some tall twink toes out stood in the hallway looking lost and confused.” [01:54]

---

2. The Manuka Honey Incident

Timestamps: 03:52 – 06:35

• Phil’s Hyperfixation: Phil confesses his latest obsession is Manuka honey, much to Dan’s chagrin.

• Sticky Disaster:

  • Phil enthusiastically tries to feed Dan honey “like a penguin,” but fumbles, dropping gooey honey onto Dan’s hand and laptop.
  • Dan reacts with disgust and sarcasm.
  • The incident devolves into commentary on Phil’s nurturing attempts and Dan’s reluctance.

• Memorable Moments/Quotes:

  • Dan: “My hand is still sticky.” [03:52]
  • Dan: “Phil, with no warning, accelerates right up to me and goes, ‘Dan, have some honey.’” [05:08]
  • Phil: “Yeah, I globbed it all over his hand and his laptop... I just saw this honey falling from the sky directly into my MacBook keyboard.” [05:24]

---

3. Experimental Food Trends & “Smacked” Food

Timestamps: 07:34 – 08:54

• Food Trend Recap:
  • Hot honey, Biscoff, matcha, and “smacked” everything.
• Banter on Food Innovations:
  • They riff about inventing “inflated pancakes” and “Dan and Phil’s Fluffy and Fat Fiesta Moment” restaurant.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Phil: “How do you feel about the hot honey?” [07:56]
  • Dan: “We’re done with crispy and flat. We’re big for fluffy and fat.” [08:51]

---

4. Phil’s “Horse Expansion” Dream/Game

Timestamps: 09:06 – 10:22

• The Dream: Phil wants to invent a Steam game called “Horse Expansion” where you expand a horse and live in its rooms.
• Dan’s Reaction: Utter horror and disdain for dream recounting.
• Pop Culture Tie-ins: They reminisce about “Horse Prince” and their relationship to weird internet culture.
• Quotes:
  • Dan: “I told Phil not to talk about this on the podcast.” [09:20]
  • Phil: “Expand my horse.” [09:53]

---

5. The Good Old Days vs Now

Timestamps: 10:33 – 11:16

• Reflection: They ponder if their past YouTube days were the “good old days” or if “hard launching” now is better.
• Authenticity: Both agree living their truth post-2019 (after coming out) feels genuinely lighter and more authentic.
• Dan: “The relief of hard launching makes things the good nowadays. We really encourage everybody to get into their authentic era.” [10:41]

---

6. Pop Culture Shoutouts and Celebrity Fangirls

Timestamps: 12:02 – 13:55

• PinkPantheress Fan Moment:
  • Phil excitedly shares that singer PinkPantheress watched Dan and Phil.
  • “Dan being able to go 'microwave' and that making me laugh…” [12:16, quoted]
• Discussion: The surreal formative power of internet randomness, onomatopoeia nostalgia, and how their “surrealist humor” raised a generation of weirdos.
• Celebrity Connections:
  • Zara Larsson’s Wikipedia photo drama gets discussed.
  • Shared hairdresser (Neil) with Zara.

---

7. Wikipedia Woes & Image Control

Timestamps: 15:44 – 17:15

• Wikipedia Photo Frustrations:
  • Their carefully staged new Wikipedia photo keeps getting reverted to their old emo phase.
  • Concerns about royalty free images and unintended uses (“face of hemorrhoid cream”).
• Quotes:
  • Phil: “That is objectively an unhelpful image.” [16:29]
  • Dan: “Can someone put it back?” [16:26]

---

8. Tangents: Pigeon Play, Beyonce’s Telephone, Pop Culture Peaks

Timestamps: 17:32 – 21:13

• Inventing “Pigeon Play”:
  • In-joke about weird internet kinks (refusing to Google it again), describing being “a racing pigeon” or “crumb sniffer from Trafalgar Square.”
• Beyoncé and Lady Gaga: Speculation on whether “Telephone Part 2” would fix the "timeline" (referencing Harambe as start of chaotic years).
• Lady Gaga’s Influence:
  • Both credit Gaga and 2010’s high-concept pop for pushing them toward creative ambition.
  • “If it wasn’t for her, would we have done the Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire?” [20:46]

---

9. Animal News: Beavers & Dancing Lion Cops

Timestamps: 22:25 – 24:14

• Czech Beavers:
  • Beavers outdo procrastinating government engineers by building a needed dam, earning respect.
  • Dan: “Person whose name I will put on screen from Czech nature conservation agency Bonil Faizer. Thank you, Phil. We don’t expect any conflict with the beaver in the next 10 years.” [22:59]
• Dancing Lion Sting:
  • Thai police catch a robber by hiding in a dancing lion costume.
  • “The lion takes its skin off and there’s cops in there. Ooh, that’s even scarier.” [23:33]
  • Phil: “Worst kinder egg ever.” [23:38]

---

10. High-End Food Review: The Torres “Crisp Egg”

Timestamps: 24:14 – 28:03

• Phil’s Gift: Phil buys Dan a £12 Torres potato chip-infused chocolate Easter egg for the ultimate taste test.
• Dan’s Verdict:
  • “That is like having dark chocolate and eating a crisp at the same time.” [26:59]
  • “A strong 3.9 [out of 5], but not worth £12.” [27:57]
• Memorable Banter:
  • Phil: “This is a tiny egg and it was £12. That’s the most I’ve ever spent on any egg in my life. It better be nice.” [25:09]
  • Dan: “Lick it off.” (re: chocolate on microphone) [27:39]

---

11. Holiday Plans, Fish Philosophy, and Urethra Eels

Timestamps: 28:07 – 31:33

• Vacation Discussion:
  • Dan and Phil reveal plans for a rare warm weather holiday, with Phil eager to see/snorkel with fish.
  • Joking about fish-related urban legends: “urethra eel,” confusion around aquatic biology.
• Philosophical Turn:
  • Are Dan and Phil “just two twinks saying microwave on the floor”?
  • Plato’s Cave allegory for their internet existence.
  • “Do fish know they are underwater?” [29:42]
  • “Do we actually exist as real people in the world, or is the entirety of our existence as they perceive it merely just two twinks saying microwave on the floor?” [31:49]

---

12. Listener Hard Launches & Interactive Q&A

Timestamps: 32:31 – 37:30

• Juliet: Hard launches her eviction—venting about her “stupid bitch landlady.” [32:32]
  • Dan and Phil offer empathy, drawing on their own rental struggles.
• Vanessa: Suggests giving Phil his own soundboard.
  • Phil admits he’d “ruin the podcast,” referencing chaotic BBC Radio 1 mishaps. [34:26]
• Taylor: Shares that her cockatiel “Hamburger” is pleasuring himself, signaling spring.
  • Phil and Dan reel at being “traumatized” by the revelation, sparking bird masturbation questions.
  • Dan: “What does the cockatiel do? Let this be a beautiful philosophical moment. There are some things that I elect not to educate myself.” [36:31]
• Calls close with instructions for listeners to submit future stories to hardlaunchpodcastmail.com.

---

13. Closing Banter

Timestamps: 37:33 – 37:45

• Outro Vibes:
  • Plug for Patreon aftershow.
  • More “unhinged” oversharing promised for supporters.
  • Warm sign-off:
    • “Remember, you are people of taste by being part of this and letting it into your brains. So thank you.” [37:33]
    • “Have a lovely week and have a lovely life.” [37:43]

---

Notable Quotes Recap

• “My hand is still sticky.” — Dan [03:54]
• “I globbed it all over his hand and his laptop... I just saw this honey falling from the sky directly into my MacBook keyboard.” — Phil [05:24]
• “At what point this guy is probably thinking, am I gonna get fucking murdered by these terrifying homosexuals?” — Phil as the evaluator [03:01]
• “Expand my horse.” — Phil [09:53]
• “If it wasn’t for her [Lady Gaga], would we have done the Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire?” — Dan [20:46]
• “Do we actually exist as real people in the world, or is the entirety of our existence as they perceive it merely just two twinks saying microwave on the floor?” — Dan [31:49]

---

Summary

• The episode launches with domestic chaos and unanticipated (and hilarious) encounters, then dips into gross-out food stories, trend analysis, surreal pop culture nostalgia, philosophical musings, and interactive listener moments.
• The duo's banter is unfiltered, self-deprecating, and frequently meta—celebrating the power of being authentic (“hard launching”), while poking fun at their own internet legacy.
• This episode balances wild antics (sticky hands, surprise food reviews, fake Wikipedia photo crises) with surprisingly relatable confessions, and closes with both warmth and a final promise of even messier afterparty content.
• A quintessential “HARD LAUNCH”: unhinged, real, and extremely Dan and Phil.

---

For More: Join the Patreon for the “AFTERS” segment, or send in your “hard launches” for next week’s episode!

Transcript

[Angie.com Advertiser 1]

Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust. Define the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

if you're tackling a home project, check out angie.com from roofing to remodels and everything in between, Angie connects you with skilled pros who do such a good job, you might trust them to do other things like pull out your tooth or be your kid's godfather. Don't actually ask them to do those things, just let them get the job done. Well, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find a pro for your [e-mail] that's a n g I dot com.

[Dan Howell]

We had a rough start to the day. My bad.

[Phil Lester]

We had a rough start. I had a rough start. Dan let a man into the house while I was naked.

[Dan Howell]

So 8am knock on the door, fight or flight. I jump out of bed and I'm like, what's going on? I run to the thing, I got the dogs out, no socks, stressful. I open it, a man goes, hi, I'm here from hsbc and I'm here to value your property.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

So naturally I was so confused, I just go,

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

yeah, yeah, come on in, come on in.

[Dan Howell]

Now I don't know why I did that.

[Phil Lester]

Nothing in your head said, hey, we've not organized that or wanted our house valued.

[Dan Howell]

He seemed smart. He was well dressed. He spoke in an authoritative tone.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

And so in that moment I went, by all means, come into my house, man. He was then very confused because we weren't expecting guests. There was weird shit everywhere.

[Phil Lester]

We had the heated rivalry outfit on

[Dan Howell]

the floor, which looked like the aftermath of some weird role playing with the hot pants. Empty Pringle.

[Phil Lester]

Combine those two.

[Dan Howell]

Rough Friday night for Dan and Phil. He was looking around like, what's going on? Some tall twink toes out stood in the hallway looking lost and confused. He then says, so what was the square footage of the property?

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

I don't know what the fuck this

[Dan Howell]

guy is doing or what he's talking about. So in this moment, I panic and I do what I often do, which

[Phil Lester]

is go feee, which my perspective. I don't know what's Happening. I think that Dan's just had a postman at the door.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I've picked up the letter.

[Phil Lester]

I'm halfway through putting my contact lenses on. I've got my Minecraft pajamas. My nipples are out. I've got a contact lens on my finger.

[Dan Howell]

I just go, look, I'm gonna go put some socks on. I'll see you in a second. So I dip, leaving the man in the hallway in the tired knowledge that Phil's gonna handle it.

[Phil Lester]

I walk out of the bedroom, contact lens on my finger, and there's a blurry man in the house.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

What did he see out of the darkness? You come shuffling along, shirtless, contact lens

[Dan Howell]

on the index finger. Hello.

[Phil Lester]

A sexy vision can. So do you know what I say? Who are you?

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

At what point this guy is probably thinking, am I gonna get fucking murdered by these terrifying homosexuals?

[Phil Lester]

I mean, if he was a scammer, the tables just turn my mind.

[Dan Howell]

We asserted dominance. Accidentally, we scared the shit out of him. So I come back around the corner like, oh, hi. Yeah, Phil. Do you know that? And he just goes, I think there's been a mistake.

[Phil Lester]

There was a mistake. You shouldn't have let him in the house.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

I can tell you're looking at me like, dan, what? Who the fuck is this? What is going on?

[Phil Lester]

Just let a scammer in.

[Dan Howell]

So Richard, the lost real estate agent, was escorted out of the property. I think he was looking for a neighbor. Yeah, got lost.

[Phil Lester]

But I got him something in the goon bank there.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Years of trauma to unpack in therapy. So we would like to say if we're weird today, that's why. And formal apology to the man that we traumatized.

[Phil Lester]

Sol's rich.

[Dan Howell]

Three, two, one. My hand is still sticky.

[Phil Lester]

That sounds bad. Why is your hands.

[Dan Howell]

Whatever they're thinking, the answer's worse.

[Phil Lester]

I was trying.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's annoying new hyperfixation is Manuka honey.

[Phil Lester]

It's not hyper fixation. I bought some honey and I'm, like, enjoying it. No, Phil's.

[Dan Howell]

He's bought, like, three Manuka honeys. Look, Phil's like, I bought this honey. It cost 23 pounds.

[Phil Lester]

They've been licked by the most premium bees.

[Dan Howell]

Don't you know it'll cure all diseases?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Look, It'll make you 400 points more intelligent.

[Phil Lester]

We both got a cold, and I was trying to do a nice thing and give you a spoon of my Manuka straight from the bee's teat.

[Dan Howell]

You were really, really excited, and I wasn't in the mood because I don't know if you have Manuka honey. It's kind of crazy tasting. It's intense, like this bee foot juice. So he's been all over the place

[Phil Lester]

like a good nurse. I brought you over a spoon. I was gonna feed you like a penguin.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah. But here's the problem. I'm sat on the couch. I got my laptop on monies. I'm minding my own business. Phil, I have to stand. This is gonna sound terrible.

[Phil Lester]

What are you doing? What are you doing? What is this?

[Dan Howell]

Phil, with no warning, has dipped a tablespoon into the Manuka honey. And he just accelerates right up to me and goes, accelerates, Dan, have some honey.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Have some honey. Have some honey. And the fucking spoon of honey is overflowing. And he stumbles and just goes.

[Dan Howell]

And then I.

[Phil Lester]

He's coming back.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sat there, and I'm just like,

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

what the fuck are you doing?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I globbed it all over his hand and his laptop, it dropped out

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

of the air, and I just saw this honey falling from the sky directly

[Dan Howell]

into my MacBook keyboard.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

No, no, no. This isn't happening. So I just went and I caught it in my hand, and this fucking honey just went all over my hand. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I just thought you wanted some honey.

[Angie.com Advertiser 1]

Ask.

[Phil Lester]

I should probably ask. Before putting it in your mouth, why

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

did you approach from behind with an actively dripping spoon?

[Dan Howell]

You fucking crazy?

[Phil Lester]

I wanted to give you a surprise. Sweet treat.

[Dan Howell]

It was a surprise. You missed my mouth.

[Phil Lester]

But then you got to lick it off your hand like nature.

[Dan Howell]

I didn't want to do a bump of Manuka honey. I don't think that's the thing that people are doing. Nah, nah. People are doing it too far with tequila. We're not doing it with honey.

[Phil Lester]

You could have been like a bear in the woods that you've reached into a beehive and you're licking it off your hand.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, a bear in a gay sauna. Do you want to bump a Manuka honey? I don't know what that's slang for.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. I think it would have reset your nervous system. Like I'm at one with nature.

[Dan Howell]

You spiked the cortisol levels. You set my nervous system back a thousand years with that one.

[Phil Lester]

I don't believe you.

[Dan Howell]

I reverted back to my caveman man instinct. Sabertooth, Tiger attack.

[Phil Lester]

Well, that's the last time I'm gonna give you a sweet treat.

[Dan Howell]

Honey the Pooh ass bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Honey the Pooh.

[Dan Howell]

You were reverse Winnie. The Pooh? Actually, yes. Because you were just Minecraft pajamas.

[Phil Lester]

I was probably the better half for the man to see, to be honest. That would have been a whole.

[Dan Howell]

You know what?

[Phil Lester]

A whole extra valuation.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, damn. I'm gonna add another three pound per square foot to this thing. Wait, do I have a.

[Phil Lester]

Stop. We were sick this week. We're over it now. Our immune systems were like, bam. Got rid of that one straight away. Do you know why? The honey.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I didn't have any. So how did I get over it?

[Phil Lester]

You licked it off your hand A little bit.

[Dan Howell]

Stubbornness. Oh, that's what I. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Cure for everything. It's Phil's overpriced honey that you probably saw an ad for on Instagram.

[Phil Lester]

I think I sneezed the most times any humans have sneezed in a row, which was 12. And I read that 10 sneezes in a row is equivalent to an orgasm.

[Dan Howell]

Counts as an orgasm.

[Phil Lester]

So what is 12?

[Dan Howell]

That's the female experience. If you know what you're doing, that's the closest we can get to understanding.

[Phil Lester]

I wouldn't say it was pleasurable.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's an ally. He sneezed 12 times just to know what it's like to walk in her shoes.

[Phil Lester]

I did make a new ab. I felt it go.

[Dan Howell]

That's the most you've crunched.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Yeah, just going chew.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so weak. Once I did break a rib nearly by sneezing. Alright, Marilyn Manson, now I'm on the honey train. I have also indulged in hot honey, which I think is the new thing. Do you know we had like new two years ago? No, we had salted caramel pistachio.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Biscoff Matcha. Hot honey was the new one.

[Dan Howell]

What's next?

[Phil Lester]

How do you feel about the hot honey?

[Dan Howell]

First of all, hot honey was a good era. I like spicy honey. I preferred biscoff. I don't put matcha as high.

[Phil Lester]

We should invent a new one.

[Dan Howell]

Smacked cucumbers.

[Phil Lester]

That's been already smacked.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, but it's gonna be the new thing. Smacked everything. Do you want a smacked Nutella milkshake? Leave it alone.

[Phil Lester]

A smacked latte.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Now we're fucking talking. That just sounds exciting, doesn't it?

[Phil Lester]

A smacked milky bar.

[Dan Howell]

Gets the people going.

[Phil Lester]

A smacked Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Jesus. For the listeners. That was a hand slap that he did to illustrate a point. That was bare ass.

[Phil Lester]

Come watch the video, everyone.

[Dan Howell]

That is so rude. Do they even know what it means? Smash things. The more you flatten stuff, the funner it is.

[Phil Lester]

What if we stop smashing and we start expanding?

[Dan Howell]

Inflation. Inflation. I want inflated cucumbers. Inflated pancakes.

[Phil Lester]

Inflated pancakes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I mean, those are just Japanese pancakes, but they're the best ones. So let's enlarge more food. Let's make things fluffier.

[Phil Lester]

Expansion.

[Dan Howell]

We're done with crispy and flat. We're big for fluffy and fat.

[Phil Lester]

That's the thing. That's our new cafe. Fluffy and Fat Fiesta Moment.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil's Fluffy and Fat Fiesta Moment.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Coming to a health code violation near you.

[Phil Lester]

No one wants to hear about my dream, but I did have a dream about a game called Horse Expansion, which I feel like is relevant to this.

[Dan Howell]

Phil would not shut the fuck up about this. It was so cool how people are not interested in other people's dreams.

[Phil Lester]

No one cares.

[Dan Howell]

I told Phil not to talk about this on the podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Horse Expansion. We released a Steam game called Horse Expansion where you start with a small horse and then you expand it and you get different rooms inside the horse to live. And it seemed like such a good game in my head, but Phil was

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

like, there was this game and it was called Horse Expansion. And I was like, please shut the fuck up.

[Dan Howell]

Please.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

I don't want to hear about Horse Expansion anymore.

[Phil Lester]

You're just not ready for my vision.

[Dan Howell]

You should do it by yourself.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe I should on a release.

[Dan Howell]

Be the new zeekers. You'll make £10 million.

[Phil Lester]

I'd play it.

[Dan Howell]

I think a lot of people will play it, but not for the reasons you're thinking.

[Phil Lester]

Expand my horse.

[Dan Howell]

You'll get the horse girls and the influencer fetish. Furry people.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

See that? No one's dared to cross that over.

[Phil Lester]

Combine those two things. Remember that horse dating game that we played which was like, you're a human horse.

[Dan Howell]

Horse Prince.

[Phil Lester]

Horse Prince.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That was a time that was just

[Dan Howell]

giving visceral flashbacks to a lot of people that tried to Forget that from 10 years ago now. Yeah. If you missed that, Dan and Philera, be grateful. HE NEIGHS AND WHINNIES Good one, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

It was a moment in history that

[Dan Howell]

was ahead of its time. I think the Horse Prince dating simulator was.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Were they the good old days?

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry. That was so dramatic. Philosopher to sip something and that's a real thinker. No. Considerate film.

[Phil Lester]

Were they the good old days?

[Dan Howell]

Are these the good nowadays or those the good old days?

[Phil Lester]

Everything is the good nowadays.

[Dan Howell]

I think the relief of hard launching makes things the good nowadays. We really encourage everybody to get into their authentic era. Like, I'm not saying I hated my life completely pre2019 coming out, but it was sure a lot easier afterwards.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I would say that as well.

[Angie.com Advertiser 4]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster Nibbles in our yard for me? Because I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet Nibbles after his untimely end. Huh, Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Hey, sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff.

[Angie.com Advertiser 4]

Nibbles would have loved you like a brother.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

if you're tackling a home project, check out angie.com from roofing to remodels and everything in between, Angie connects you with skilled pros who do such a good job you might trust them to do other things like pull out your tooth or be your kid's godfather. Don't actually ask them to do those things, just let them get the job done. Well, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust, find a pro for your [e-mail] that's a n g I.com.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of old Dan and Phil, did you see Pink Panthers Was a fan or is a fan? I hope so.

[Dan Howell]

I have not seen this clip.

[Phil Lester]

Can we, can we play it? I used to watch so many YouTubers and I used to watch dad in Phil and just him like Dan being able to go microwave and that making me laugh.

[Dan Howell]

Holy shit.

[Phil Lester]

Like that. That was the good old days. Taste, taste, taste. Having the microwave still there in their

[Dan Howell]

mind though, that came so quick out of a deep dark place. You are in mind. What is your favorite onomatopoeia? Microwave. Well, this just goes to show anyone who watches Dan and Phil is cool, hot, popular and talented. So this is the company of all of you watching this right now.

[Phil Lester]

Pink Panthers is oomph,

[Dan Howell]

technically, and we can take credit for that if we weren't implanting surrealist humor in people's forming minds.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

What would some other basic person have said? What's your favorite onomatopoeia? Oh, creek. No. I had the nerve to say microwave

[Phil Lester]

and that was it.

[Dan Howell]

That's like taking a tab of LSD for a young mind.

[Phil Lester]

That was the blueprint of humor.

[Dan Howell]

Your face goes, wait, no it doesn't. And I double down. Yeah, microwave.

[Phil Lester]

She even had the intonation that's like

[Dan Howell]

being unplugged from the Matrix. When you're younger, everyone is welcome. If you're freaky, that's our fault.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

Freaky with a phone.

[Phil Lester]

I wonder if there's any other celebrities out there that watch Dan and Phil

[Dan Howell]

back in the day. Only the cool hot ones. I think that's what we're learning right now.

[Phil Lester]

I think that's what the fact is. Yeah, it's a good litmus test for if you're a cool person or not.

[Dan Howell]

It's because we were there, we were being creative examples of non toxic positive masculinity. It was important work, Phil. And here we are keeping it going with the male podcast in 2026.

[Phil Lester]

If you keep calling it a male

[Dan Howell]

podcast, I'm reclaiming what male podcast means. This is what it is.

[Phil Lester]

All right.

[Dan Howell]

There's the next. Pink Pantherus is watching this right now and what would you like to say to them? Keep being freaky with a ph.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, Keep that freak up.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Laughs yeah, Talk to them.

[Dan Howell]

A bit like a dog there. But I think the positive message was still a thing.

[Phil Lester]

Good girl. Just undoing your fly. What are you doing?

[Dan Howell]

I got so many zips. Oh, yes, sorry for the listeners.

[Phil Lester]

That's a side zip.

[Dan Howell]

Scary episode today. We got slaps. Ooh. We got zip noises.

[Phil Lester]

What's inside that hole?

[Dan Howell]

What would you put in this Game Boy Advance. Yeah, Big pack of crack. What were you thinking, Phil? Form the fort faster, otherwise I'll finish it with something horrible.

[Phil Lester]

Travel Scrabble.

[Dan Howell]

I fucking hate travel Scrabble. You all hate Scrabble.

[Phil Lester]

Why are you such a Scrabble hater? That's the one thing we disagree on in the game.

[Dan Howell]

It takes too long to think about it. I do speed Scrabble, but it's like just the stress and the luck. I get really mad if there's a game that is about showing people that you're clever because you've got a good vocabulary and then you get given all the fucking ease.

[Phil Lester]

That's what's funny though.

[Dan Howell]

Do you remember one time we played scrubble with your parents?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And I just got abysmally fucked by the bag.

[Phil Lester]

You got six eyes, all vowels.

[Dan Howell]

And your dad was looking at me like, who is this young man? Who is this who seeks the hand of my son? Is he fucking illiterate?

[Phil Lester]

This man is gonna. This just is continue the Lester bloodline.

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And that's the last time you saw my family.

[Dan Howell]

So fuck Scrabble.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Speaking of celebrity moments, did you see Zara Larsson is trying to get their Wikipedia page back. Photo. What?

[Dan Howell]

We've got the same hairdresser as Zara Larson.

[Phil Lester]

Do we? Oh, yeah, that's cool, isn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Shout out, Neil.

[Phil Lester]

Shout out to Neil.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

Whoever the is changing this Wikipedia picture to this picture.

[Dan Howell]

Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Stop doing it. They've got beef with Wikipedia because the picture keeps getting switched back and forth. I went to look at our Wikipedia

[Dan Howell]

because I love our new premiere.

[Phil Lester]

It's gone. They've removed it again. We're back to the old one again. We need to go back to square one.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. Why?

[Dan Howell]

Are you fucking joking?

[Phil Lester]

No, it's back to old pictures.

[Dan Howell]

Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Black emo hair.

[Dan Howell]

Everybody shut up.

[Phil Lester]

What is that? 2014? I was six years old. No, it's gone.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

What the fuck? Who did that?

[Phil Lester]

The same person trolling.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Who did that?

[Phil Lester]

It's the same person trolling. Zara Larson.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Phil, not the quiff. Oh, my fucking God.

[Phil Lester]

And the forehand. Why?

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

There was a perfectly good. We went outside, Dan and Phil, just for this moment. We did an event for the soul.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, we went there to support British film. Gay people go watch Pillion Motorbikes. But also we wanted a new picture.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

We wanted a new fucking photo.

[Dan Howell]

God damn it.

[Phil Lester]

Can someone put it back?

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

We don't even look like that any.

[Dan Howell]

That is objectively an unhelpful image.

[Phil Lester]

I think the boring Wikipedia royal.

[Dan Howell]

This guy. Do you think that that looks like him anymore?

[Phil Lester]

That's not me.

[Dan Howell]

That does not look like Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I think the problem is it has to be a royalty free photo. So I think the answer is we need to take one of ourselves.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Do we need to, like, hire the paparazzi on ourselves?

[Phil Lester]

I was thinking we could just submit our hard launch. Do you know the one? The cute one on the bed? That could be the Dan and Phil pic. But then that is royalty free. Someone could just use it on a chlamydia advert.

[Dan Howell]

That is so we could be the face of hemorrhoid cream.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we don't want that.

[Dan Howell]

You could do that with those old Vidcon photos. Cause ain't no one gonna buy that product. So when you see an image of Phil walking through the streets of London with a contact lens on his finger.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Titties out. Minecraft PJs out. That's us staging our own paparazzi pics for the new Wikipedia film.

[Phil Lester]

That's why we've done it. Yeah, maybe the guy had those meta glasses on and that's about to go

[Dan Howell]

on some dol dodgy website that's given us like a whole free reign get out of jail free card when the inevitable breakdown happens. Oh, yeah, it's just us doing a stunt.

[Phil Lester]

That's what it was. Yeah, it's just a little stunt.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, let's do something crazy.

[Phil Lester]

Dan's licking a puddle. Why? It's a stunt.

[Dan Howell]

Honestly, I'll take the puddle lick scandal. I don't care. I can get out of that. Do you reckon that would require a notes app apology?

[Phil Lester]

That would be pigeon play.

[Dan Howell]

Coo.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think anyone's into pigeon play?

[Dan Howell]

I'm not googling porn two weeks in a row on the podcast.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

So you're gonna have to just explore this one.

[Phil Lester]

Pretend to be a pigeon and you're flying home to me.

[Dan Howell]

Am I a diseased city pigeon or am I a preened pristine dove?

[Phil Lester]

I'm a racing pigeon. And you're one from the underside.

[Dan Howell]

A little crumb sniffer from Trafalgar Square.

[Phil Lester]

A McDonald's pigeon.

[Dan Howell]

Whoa, whoa. If you're a fucking pigeon, McDonald's pigeons. I mean, I think they'd be happy with it.

[Phil Lester]

They're gonna be radioactive. They're gonna live forever.

[Dan Howell]

They got that potato chip energy.

[Phil Lester]

What are we talking about?

[Dan Howell]

I think this has got angst. I think this has got legs. Four legs.

[Phil Lester]

Anthropomorphic one.

[Dan Howell]

Stumpy toe pigeon.

[Phil Lester]

I'm talking about, like, we're pretending we're people as pigeons, not we're actual birds.

[Dan Howell]

Beak play. Oh, anthropomorphic, yes. Anthropomorphic birds.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Furry birds. Do they still have beaks?

[Phil Lester]

Cloaca. Beyonce was in a picture with a telephone, and everyone's wondering if the telephone. Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Telephone. Part two.

[Phil Lester]

Part two is gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

I think Beyonce needs to take more responsibility. She cannot be seen near an object without casting aspersions like that.

[Phil Lester]

No. I feel like it's dangerous. It's so dangerous because people are gonna get so excited whenever they see her near that device.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

Me.

[Dan Howell]

Me.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Telephone Part 2. You can't do that to me. Beyonce.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine if that happened. I think it might fix the timeline. Do you know Harambe settles off on a bad timeline.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Lady Gaga and Beyonce together again might get us back on track.

[Dan Howell]

Heralded by the new sad monkey thing that happened.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

There we go.

[Dan Howell]

The cycle of Monkees. The cycle of Beyonce. Gaga collabs.

[Phil Lester]

But can you make a song that's as iconic and good as the original telephone?

[Dan Howell]

Well, they tried to do one called videophone, and I'm the only person in the world that liked it.

[Phil Lester]

Gay taste. Taste. Gay taste.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it's very gay. It's very gay. No one really talks about videophone in Beyonce's repertoire. No, it was a fucking banger. And it's funny because Lady Gaga brought Beyonce onto one of her songs and the producer was like, I gotta change the beat so it suits Beyonce more. They didn't necessarily do the same thing for Gaga on videophone. And Gaga was bringing her kind of theater kid, freaky voice. And I will be honest, it was weird, but it was so weird that I liked it.

[Phil Lester]

Videos the normals.

[Dan Howell]

Didn't you like what you see?

[Phil Lester]

Video me.

[Dan Howell]

You wanna video me?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I like that.

[Dan Howell]

Am I right, children?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Do we need to talk more about videophone?

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Read the ancient texts, for fuck's sake.

[Phil Lester]

Read them and understand them.

[Dan Howell]

Did pop culture peak with the day the teleph music video came out?

[Phil Lester]

I remember where I was.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. We were both just sat at home on our laptops and then someone went. New Lady Gaga music video was like a stop.

[Phil Lester]

It was a moment.

[Dan Howell]

Shut the fuck up, drop everything moment. A simpler time. One direction on the TV. Dana Forsey. Microwave on YouTube.

[Phil Lester]

Microwave feels like a very desktop computer watching situation. When that came out, you know, people

[Dan Howell]

had to sit down, log on, and make an intentional choice to consume the media. And this is what inspires the children, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you, Lady Gaga, for giving us high concept pop. If it wasn't for her, would we have done the Amazing Tour Is not on Fire. Or would we have just gone? People don't need to try as hard. People don't need to do high concept things. Oh, thank you to the artists that raised us.

[Phil Lester]

I watched a lot of interesting stuff as a kid, and I think that.

[Dan Howell]

Alternative, quirky, weird.

[Phil Lester]

I watched anime when I was like six. Robbie the Rascal.

[Dan Howell]

And that made you feel.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And this is what made Pink Panther as Pink Panther as Godly. Exactly. What a beautiful time to be alive.

[Phil Lester]

We've got a little bit of Lady Gaga inside us.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Jesus.

[Angie.com Advertiser 5]

Why have I asked my h vac guy I found on Angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts. I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[Dan Howell]

Make it quick, young man.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

Aw.

[Angie.com Advertiser 5]

See, Pop? Pop trusts you.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled Pros for over 30 years, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser 1]

why have we asked our contractor we found on angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Uh, no, sorry. I do basements connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. Million dollar wet beavers.

[Dan Howell]

Excuse me?

[Phil Lester]

Czech beavers have flooded an area that the government was procrastinating building a dam.

[Dan Howell]

Uh huh.

[Phil Lester]

And they've just gone and built a dam.

[Dan Howell]

If you are not gonna do this infrastructure, we're gonna do it ourselves. Beavers are cool. I think they're like top 10 cool animals.

[Phil Lester]

I love that. They just want to bite wood and block rivers with it.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. They affect the environment. I think it's like humans and beavers. Who else says, I'm gonna make this land what I want? I'm into terraforming.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Person whose name I will put on screen from Czech nature conservation agency Bonil Faizer. Thank you, Phil. We don't expect any conflict with the beaver in the next 10 years. Am I right, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Any conflict with the beaver.

[Dan Howell]

Leave them the fuck alone. This is their house now.

[Phil Lester]

Leave the beavers to enjoy their dam. More men should say that caught lion red handed. Thai police disguise themselves in a dancing lion costume to catch a robber.

[Dan Howell]

Did they have to do that much? I mean, I respect it.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine being a robber. You just rob something and then a lion starts chasing you down the street.

[Dan Howell]

Dancing lions are actually quite scary.

[Phil Lester]

They are, I'd say. And then the lion takes its skin off and there's cops in there.

[Dan Howell]

Ooh, that's even scarier.

[Phil Lester]

Worst kinder egg ever.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's a cop jump scare.

[Phil Lester]

Very good ingenuity though from those police. They really went above and beyond the corners.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, they could have plain clothes, but no, they wanted to have a bit of diva in them.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think they were giggling inside that though? Having a good time?

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Hee hee.

[Dan Howell]

We're about to pounce. Have you seen how athletic the actual dancing lion people are sometimes? I mean, they must be up on poles flipping.

[Phil Lester]

They do a lot of movement with those arms.

[Dan Howell]

I got trauma from their Elden ring boss.

[Phil Lester]

Oh yeah, that's a scary one.

[Dan Howell]

But I could kill one if I wanted to. And I'VE had to flip over and

[Phil Lester]

has science gone too far? Oh, petate. Hell no. A fancy crisp brand. Torres have released a potato chip flavored Easter egg.

[Dan Howell]

What? If you guys don't know, this is a very pretentious crisp brand. And they have done the craziest flavors. They did an egg flavored crisps, which were horrible. It was like, wow. They really took the smell of sulfur in a fried egg and put it on a crisp. Disgusting. But there's other ones.

[Phil Lester]

What's the nice one?

[Dan Howell]

There's like a really fancy olive oil one. They do a paprika one. That's really nice.

[Phil Lester]

They do a pickle one. I like the pickle one.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, the pickle one's crazy. They're like dark alchemists of crisps.

[Phil Lester]

They do a champagne flavor. Again, kind of.

[Dan Howell]

They don't ask, is this tasty? They say, we will do it for science. I respect that.

[Phil Lester]

Happy Easter. Cause I secretly bought you the egg.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck? Are we joking?

[Phil Lester]

No, it's here.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

There you go.

[Dan Howell]

Holy.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Holy shit.

[Phil Lester]

It's the crisp egg.

[Dan Howell]

The crisp egg.

[Phil Lester]

I had to go to Selfridges for that. Do you know how much it was self?

[Dan Howell]

Okay, These Crisps are like £5 for a fucking bag. This is the most middle class shit ever.

[Phil Lester]

This is a tiny egg and it was £12. That's the most I've ever spent on any egg in my life. It better be nice.

[Dan Howell]

I am offended by this object.

[Phil Lester]

Now try it for the science. I can't eat chocolate, by the way, because it gives me migraines. So, Dan, you are our test subject right now.

[Dan Howell]

It is is chocolate flecked with crumbs of Mediterranean salt crisps for a savory crunch.

[Phil Lester]

That sounds amazing, right?

[Dan Howell]

Because you're quite toxic and emotionally unstable. I just need to clarify up front. Are you looking for me to, like, downplay this and say because you can't have it, it's gross, or do you want me to authentically enjoy something?

[Phil Lester]

I want your real reaction and rating.

[Dan Howell]

We got that on camera, right? I'm allowed to enjoy it. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I also hate food reviews that don't describe the flavor, so do not let me down.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. I'm about to try the viral Torres crisp egg. It's packed with so much protein. Mmm.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

What the fuck did it taste like?

[Phil Lester]

What's it taste like?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Okay, let's get into this.

[Phil Lester]

Physically, it's gold. We need to describe this to the listeners. It's very meager.

[Dan Howell]

To the listeners, this is gold. Foil with an egg inside it. Okay, that just looks like an egg

[Phil Lester]

and it's very small.

[Dan Howell]

The British, each sterling pound to egg ratio is not very impressive.

[Phil Lester]

You're giving it a crack.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I'm thumbing the side in.

[Phil Lester]

I cracked it. I could have laid that. I'm just saying.

[Dan Howell]

You're just being funny. What do you mean?

[Phil Lester]

I want an egg to be like ostrich egg size. Not something that a person could make.

[Dan Howell]

Smells like dark chocolate.

[Phil Lester]

Lay down where you want to smell it. Smells a bit too rich for my liking. I can already tell.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's not like a Milky Way button. Is it not? Okay, Right, give us the crunch. I'm going in. Do you get that, listeners?

[Phil Lester]

I don't get anything. Oh, here we go. He's reacting.

[Dan Howell]

That is like having dark chocolate and eating a crisp at the same time.

[Phil Lester]

Is that good?

[Dan Howell]

I can very clearly separate these two things in my mouth and mind.

[Phil Lester]

Are they melding to make spit knives?

[Dan Howell]

If you don't think about the potatoes, if you just think about the salt. Salty. Dark chocolate is really nice, but actually a bit of crispy. Phil, I think this is fucking peak.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, nice. I'm glad you like it. Thought I spent all my money on it.

[Dan Howell]

This is not worth 12 pounds.

[Phil Lester]

No, that is.

[Dan Howell]

That is fucking crazy.

[Phil Lester]

Eight pound max for that. For a fancy egg, it's a five

[Dan Howell]

pound size box, but I get. They're doing something pretentious here.

[Phil Lester]

You got chocolate on your microphone.

[Dan Howell]

I was just really excited.

[Phil Lester]

Lick it off.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. Honestly, compared to a pickle or egg flavored crisp, that's not that crazy. No, but I'm glad to live in a world where people are being silly with it. Out of five, value included or not? No, just flavor a strong 3.9.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, all right. Interesting. Don't buy it, but if someone offers you a bit, have a chomp.

[Dan Howell]

That's what she said. Okay, there we go.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

What an exciting week. Things happening in the world.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, the exciting news.

[Dan Howell]

What? We booked a holiday and we're not going to the Four Seasons?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Because we're not getting it for free.

[Phil Lester]

We're not going to the Four Seasons,

[Dan Howell]

but we're going somewhere warm and we're

[Phil Lester]

gonna be able to snorkel with fish. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to see a fish. Oh, great.

[Dan Howell]

You're gonna get bitten when you try to poke something.

[Phil Lester]

That's gonna be how Phil nearly died.

[Dan Howell]

Respect, people. Yes. Look forward to it. Ah, Several years in a row. How are Dan and Phil nearly gonna die? On their upcoming holiday.

[Phil Lester]

Hopefully it just won't be the urethra eel. I saw a little documentary about that the other day.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, I'm pretty sure that's like a tiny fish in river basins. It's not a fucking eel.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what it is.

[Dan Howell]

Urethra eel.

[Phil Lester]

Is it a fish eel? I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

How big are eels, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

I've not seen many. You could get a micro eel.

[Dan Howell]

What's your favorite onomatopoeia?

[Phil Lester]

Micro eel. It's swimming into my urethra.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, no more urethra based fish conversation.

[Phil Lester]

Rich.

[Dan Howell]

Richard. Richard. Oh, how you doing, lass?

[Phil Lester]

Richie Rich.

[Dan Howell]

Well, apparently I need to do it again. Do it again so that we're even on the charm.

[Phil Lester]

Even it out, laddie.

[Dan Howell]

Love it.

[Phil Lester]

By the way, everyone was saying that ball is yellow and you need to get your eyes tested.

[Dan Howell]

Also, everybody who said that the ball wasn't green last week. Shut up. You're not cool or special.

[Phil Lester]

It was 100% yellow. It's a yellow ball.

[Dan Howell]

Look at that. It's a fucking yell.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, lad. Right, let me crack open a fresh one. Oh, it's like an egg.

[Phil Lester]

Deep.

[Dan Howell]

Da da da da. Do fish know that they are underwater?

[Phil Lester]

Is that from an audience member?

[Dan Howell]

Nope. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Sure.

[Dan Howell]

Can't blame them for this one.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think fish know what water is.

[Dan Howell]

Tea.

[Phil Lester]

They think water is land. But it reminds me of that art of that dying anglerfish on the beach that says, like, no, I don't personified sad eyes. I never knew it would be so beautiful as it sees the land, you

[Dan Howell]

know, that they probably can't see shit. Their eyes probably see 1 meter in complete pitch darkness. It's probably just going, I've got a swim bladder infection. Which is why I'm here.

[Phil Lester]

No, Norman used to watch Riverdale with us. You know, he was watching it whenever Archie came on the screen. He would sit on his leaf, he would lean forwards and go.

[Dan Howell]

Didn't this used to be about high schoolers? What the. What the fuck is happening? Why does she have superpowers?

[Phil Lester]

Why is the dog flying? Peak fish.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I mean, we know what water and land is because our privilege is being able to swim and then come back up. Fish, they don't know what not water is.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like swimming is like flying. They can just like pootle around wherever they want on a zen axis.

[Dan Howell]

They exist in 3D space and yet they don't use it because as animals, they have a zone. It's only really whales that are like, we're gonna use this whole thing. Everyone else is like, ooh, I need to stay inside my anemone.

[Phil Lester]

Sharks.

[Dan Howell]

To be fair, Dan and Phil and the house, we stay in our anemone because we're scared to explore beyond the

[Phil Lester]

reef that is our anemone.

[Dan Howell]

We have not touched the metaphorical butt.

[Phil Lester]

There's been no footage of sharks having sex. I don't know if that's true.

[Dan Howell]

Certified male podcast moment there, Phil. Coming out with the hard shark opinion fact check.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no. Eels. Eels. Sex has never been directly observed.

[Dan Howell]

James Cameron. People want to know that more than they want Avatar for at this point.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Maybe they do it inside a urethra of a different animal.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

How do we.

[Dan Howell]

Richard. The Richard. We can't keep being in this situation.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry. What else do you have to say about the philosophy about fish and water and land and ice?

[Dan Howell]

Well, really, it's Plato's cave, Alex.

[Phil Lester]

What's Plato's cave?

[Dan Howell]

If people only see Dan and Phil as people that say microwave on the Internet.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Do we actually exist as real people in the world, or is the entirety of our existence as they perceive it merely just two twinks saying microwave on the floor?

[Phil Lester]

That's a good question. Are we what you perceive, or are we our own?

[Dan Howell]

Something unknowable existing outside of there. Poor fish.

[Phil Lester]

Poor fish.

[Dan Howell]

They'll never know the joy of sky.

[Phil Lester]

Popcorn. Oh, you could feed a fish popcorn. So I bet that's fallen in the sea.

[Dan Howell]

You probably shouldn't do that. All right, let's get a third in. We're gonna get some calls from the listeners, because if you want to experience the joy of living your truth as Dan and Phil do arrogantly every week, you need to get things off your chest.

[Phil Lester]

Number one.

[Juliet (Caller)]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, I'm Juliet, and I'm hard launching that. I was evicted today.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yay.

[Juliet (Caller)]

Great news for me. I'm so glad.

[Dan Howell]

Are you?

[Juliet (Caller)]

No. My stupid bitch landlady. I hope you hear this, bitch. I hate you. Has given us two months to move out, which is really sad, but yeah. Love you guys. Wish us luck. Love the pod. Keep doing what you're doing. And I hope that I'm not homeless in two months.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. I hope you find a new house.

[Dan Howell]

That was really it, huh? Just came on to be like, this is a thing that's happening.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Fuck you, bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Bye.

[Phil Lester]

Bye. Landlords are the worst is what I'm learning. You can't just kick everyone out straight away.

[Dan Howell]

Stressful.

[Phil Lester]

Give a bit of notice.

[Dan Howell]

We Understand where you're coming from 100%. Oh, my God, Dan, you can say

[Phil Lester]

100% sometimes, just not everything you say. It's okay. We've given him a complex.

[Dan Howell]

You will get through this period of not knowing where you live. I believe you'll find somewhere new and cooler and sexier to live with someone that's less annoying.

[Phil Lester]

We got kicked out of our place during COVID That was annoying. We did. And that's why we're in the basement flat.

[Dan Howell]

And that's why we are the way we are.

[Phil Lester]

Well, for those two years, just pressed against each other against boxes.

[Dan Howell]

And if we can survive that and launch a podcast. So will you stay strong?

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Vanessa (Caller)]

Hi, my name is Vanessa. I'm from Alberta, Canada, and I would like to hard launch a suggestion for the podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Ooh.

[Vanessa (Caller)]

I think Phil should get his own soundboard. Let him press a fun little button every now and then. Why is Dan the only one that gets a soundboard? There could be a phone ringing for when he's calling the army. There could be a mute button for Dan's mic for when he interrupts. Phil, that's a joke. I'm kidding. In case people on Twitter get mad at me. But, yeah, no, there's a lot of possibilities there. Let Phil have a soundboard.

[Dan Howell]

Let Phil have a soundboard. Phil, do you want a soundboard?

[Phil Lester]

I think we all know if I had access to a soundboard, I would not be able to stop pressing it, and I would ruin the podcast.

[Dan Howell]

I know.

[Phil Lester]

I know this.

[Dan Howell]

Respectfully, you can't multitask.

[Vanessa (Caller)]

No.

[Dan Howell]

There's a reason why, when we had a radio show, the BBC didn't let you press the buttons.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, they let me for a bit until I did it so badly they made me stop.

[Dan Howell]

You would go like this. Hi, I'm Dannon, and I mean, I'm BBC Radio 1. So there's a new Selena Gomez song. Wait.

[Phil Lester]

It was hard. It was hard.

[Dan Howell]

And the editor was like, it's very important that all of our DJs learn to do it themselves. And we had to go, that's a really nice idea. However, you need to learn to accommodate Phil's style of working, which is not

[Phil Lester]

thinking about two things at once.

[Dan Howell]

He's there to stand there, look nice with his emo hair, and just say crazy things.

[Phil Lester]

Let me press a button. Can I reach it? The other issue is the wires are all on this side, so it can't actually physically get here. I'm gonna go for. There we go. That was quite satisfying.

[Dan Howell]

And how did that make you feel.

[Phil Lester]

Feel powerful?

[Dan Howell]

Let's get one more.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

Hello, this is Taylor calling in from Texas. I'd like to hard launch that. Spring has sprung early. And the reason I can tell is because my pet cockatiel named Hamburger has been pleasuring himself.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

Birds have increased hormones during the springtime.

[Dan Howell]

I didn't need to know this.

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

And that's how I can tell and say, hi, Burger.

[Dan Howell]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

Oh,

[Dan Howell]

hello.

[Phil Lester]

Wow.

[Phil's Inner Voice / Commentary]

Fucking hell.

[Phil Lester]

Kept us waiting.

[Dan Howell]

The tension there. Well, we know what he was busy doing. Can you talk? Hamburger, Please stop.

[Phil Lester]

Please stop.

[Dan Howell]

Hamburger, please stop. Stop, stop. Beak out of there. Foot out of there.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

How does this happen?

[Phil Lester]

I didn't know cockatiels masturbate. So I'm learning things about the world that I wasn't sure I need to.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, I guess everything can. I guess the question is how?

[Phil Lester]

Well, a dog humps a bear, Phil. So maybe it humps a mirror.

[Dan Howell]

Dolphins hump the NASA scientists that they've trapped in the room with lsd.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, it's the thing that is interesting, but at least.

[Dan Howell]

What does the cockatiel do? Let this be a beautiful philosophical moment. There are some things that I elect not to educate myself.

[Phil Lester]

We don't need to know.

[Dan Howell]

No, but we're glad that spring has sprung and your cockatiel has opened. Cockatiel hub is hungry. Well, that was devastating, wasn't it?

[Phil Lester]

Okay, that was a lot. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

A real downhill car crash.

[Phil Lester]

We'd love more submissions if you.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, tell us more about birds.

[Phil Lester]

Keep them short and snappy and send them to hardlaunchpodcastmail.com.

[Dan Howell]

aw, Phil, you did it right. You get to press the cheer button. No.

[Phil Lester]

And if you wanna join us for more yapping, we're having an after show.

[Dan Howell]

The after party. You're coming to AFTRS. You're coming to AFTERS on the Patreon. 15 minutes of extra yapping. And today I'm scared.

[Phil Lester]

Gonna be wild.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna let it all go. Come to patreon.com danandphil to find out the truth of what's gonna happen next.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's gonna be acting like a cockatiel in spring.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not gonna be doing that. Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you for tuning in to another hard Monday with Dip and Pip. Remember, you are people of taste by being part of this and letting it into your brains. So thank you.

[Phil Lester]

Have a lovely week and have a lovely life.

[Dan Howell]

See you next time.

[Angie.com Advertiser 1]

Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our Kid's legal guardian because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust Find pros for all your home [e-mail] why

[Angie.com Advertiser 5]

have I asked my H Vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[Dan Howell]

Make it quick, young man.

[Vanessa (Caller)]

Aw.

[Angie.com Advertiser 5]

See, Pop Pop trusts you.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser 4]

why have I asked my electrician I found on angie.com to bury my pet hamster Nibbles in our yard for me? Because I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet Nibbles after his untimely end.

[Vanessa (Caller)]

Huh?

[Angie.com Advertiser 4]

Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry and peace.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Hey, sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff.

[Angie.com Advertiser 4]

Nibbles would have loved you like a brother.

[Angie.com Advertiser 2]

Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser 3]

if you're tackling a home project, check out angie.com from roofing to remodels and everything in between, Angie connects you with skilled pros who do such a good job, you might trust them to do other things like pull out your two tooth or be your kid's godfather. Don't actually ask them to do those things, just let them get the job done. Well, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust find a pro for your [e-mail] that's a n G I com.