Romance is dead but at least I smell nice

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil
Episode: Romance is dead but at least I smell nice
Date: August 3, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell and Phil Lester

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Overview

In this lively and unfiltered episode, Dan and Phil dive into tales of domestic misadventure, personal quirks, health anxieties, and millennial nostalgia, all wrapped in their signature self-deprecating, witty banter. They muse on the death of romance—balanced by the comforts of good hygiene—share recent embarrassing tales, roast each other lovingly, and answer listener confessions. The episode also covers anxiety, emerging trends in food and fashion, and the ever-expanding silliness of their shared lives together and online.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. The Dangers of Shower Cream (01:00)

• Phil's Shower Mishap:
  Phil recounts a near-disastrous experience with a whipped foam shower gel, resulting in a spectacular fall in the shower.

  • Phil: "I look like a giant marshmallow with some bits sticking out." (01:19)
  • Dan's Reaction: Laughter instead of concern.
    • Dan: "Snow angel on the floor, splayed like that, just completely covered in foam." (02:06)

• Relationship Transparency:
  Dan jokes that “romance is dead,” referencing Phil’s dignity being lost in a sea of foam, but admits at least Phil smells nice.

  • Phil: "Romance is dead. But at least I smelled great. Still sniff it. Birthday cake." (02:46)
  • Dan: "It was such a beautiful, foamy, embarrassing scene on the floor. I just had to soak it up." (02:32)

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2. Ongoing Domestic Sagas: The Lava Lamp & Voting (03:04)

• The Lava Lamp Fiasco:
  The infamous lava lamp is still dead despite excessive WD-40.

  • Phil: "We greased it up with some WD40 and we made it worse." (03:08)

• British Podcast Awards:
  Listeners are urged to vote for HARD LAUNCH, with Dan and Phil riffing on what they'll do if they win.

  • Dan: "If you've enjoyed Phil and the Dead, sign in memoriam. Gone but not forgotten." (03:45)

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3. Accidental Nudity & 3D Body Scanning Mishap (04:17)

• Almost Posting Dan's Nudes:
  Dan describes how they almost uploaded a censored image containing a hidden 20-pixel thumbnail of his naked body.
  • Dan: "We zoomed in and we were just like, cock." (04:36)
  • Phil: "TMZ, speaking of foamy surprises..." (04:56)

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4. Custom In-Ear Monitors & Clean Ears (05:04)

• Getting Fitted for Stage Monitors:
  Hilarious details about the fitting process, including a professional being baffled by Dan’s one "mysteriously pristine" ear.

  • Dan: "He was aghast. This man looked at me and he was like, one of your ears. It's just like completely empty." (05:36)
  • Phil: "It's like I could lick my dinner out of that." (05:43)

• Introvert Social Anxiety:
  Both struggle to make small talk with the technician, then stew in guilt for days.

  • Phil: "It was the bad double introvert day where we don't make up for each other's low points, we compound each other's anxieties." (06:32)

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5. Health Anxiety & Tour Coping Mechanisms (07:14)

• Ear Infection Fears:
  Waivers mentioning rare deafness triggers Phil’s health anxiety.

  • Phil: "Some people may experience partial deafness. I feel like some isn't the most reassuring word there." (07:24)

• Dan's Commentary:

  • Dan: "What are you doing with that ear? Have you been sticking your proboscis in it in the night?" (06:00)

• Coping on Tour:
  Speculation about what they’re unconsciously running from on tour (“Each other. But we’re together.”) and Phil’s anxiety over microbes, scorpions, and missing therapy sessions.

  • Dan: "You know, what these pop stars are doing on the road. They're running from their problems." (09:11)

• Migraine Triggers:
  Phil lists all life’s joys as migraine triggers: coffee, chocolate, red wine—thankfully not cheese.

  • Phil: "All of your migraine triggers are world's best thing." (10:03)

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6. Shoe Fashion & Skater Nostalgia (11:39)

• Bubble Shoes Debate:
  Dan debuts new thick-laced “skater boy” shoes, provoking mockery and tales of childhood skateboarding dreams dashed by lack of YouTube tutorials.

  • Phil: "Are you making up for your height with those bubble shoes, skater boy?" (11:39)
  • Dan: "I had a Pikachu skateboard when I was nine." (12:57)

• Fake Skater Lore:
  Phil’s brother was a real skater; Phil received a “massive anime boobs” board from his dad, possibly a misguided attempt at heteronormativity.

  • Phil: "My dad got me one with a woman on it with massive anime boobs. Do you think he was trying to… turn me the other way?" (13:38)
  • Dan: "We need to intervene now. We need to get him the big tiddy goth skateboard." (13:47)

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7. Domestic Aesthetics: Carpets, Tiles & Floors (16:13)

• Household Comforts:
  Phil dreams of squishy gel bathroom floors and reveals his aversion to bare tiles.
  • Phil: "I like the feeling of a carpet between my feet." (16:54)
  • Dan: "Phil would have a carpeted toilet if he could." (16:56)

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8. “Men Only” Gyms & Masculinity Satire (17:33)

• Oklahoma’s Male-Only Gyms:
  The hosts dissect the rationale of Christian men needing women-free gyms, roasting the premise and questioning why such spaces are so... homoerotic.
  • Dan: "There are men that are like a woman in yoga pants within 25ft of me... I've just got to be surrounded by more men." (17:51)
  • Phil: "That sounds a bit gay." (18:02)

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9. Marmot Researchers on OnlyFans (18:47)

• Researchers Crowdfunding Conservation:
  California marmot researchers try OnlyFans (“OnlyMarms”) after grant funding dries up.
  • Dan: "To be clear, you go there and they're posting marmot content. This isn't like the seagull guy on TikTok, where it's like, oh, my account's about the animal, but you see a lot of butt." (19:15)

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10. IKEA Marathon / Trends in Food & Fitness (19:34)

• Endurance IKEA-ing:
  Phil touts IKEA Croydon’s 60-lap in-store marathon featuring meatballs at aid stations. The hosts riff on IKEA as a liminal space, envisioning breakdowns among modular furniture.

  • Phil: "There will be meatballs at the aid stations." (19:40)

• Millennial Food Trends:
  Discussion on the life cycles of food trends from froyo to protein donuts, and why everything—ice cream, yogurt, even dessert—now needs to be justified as “healthy.”

  • Dan: "Why are we trying to justify dessert by giving it a health tag? ...Treats should be treats." (24:13)

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11. Listener Hard Launches & Community (30:04)

• Dating App Suggestion:
  Eva from Nebraska proposes Dan and Phil create a dating app (“FinJ” or “Finder”). The hosts riff on tour as a matchmaking affair.

  • Phil: "Finder sounds a bit like finger." (30:27)
  • Dan: "Hard launch tour is gonna be where you meet your other half, surely." (30:33)

• Long Distance Lesbian Drama:
  Kelsey from Cardiff shares chaos after her girlfriend leaves for two months—shaved brows, bleached hair, impending green dye.

  • Phil: "The lesbians should not be apart for longer than a week." (31:43)
  • Dan: "I'd come back and there'd just be a hound. I've replaced you with a dog, and his name is Clyde." (32:22)

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12. Weddings, Traditions, & Why They’re Too Long (27:08)

• Weddings Are Too Long:
  Phil advocates for 3-hour weddings, plus party.

  • Phil: "Let's condense it all to 3 hours and then maybe a party afterwards." (27:35)

• Rehearsal Dinners & American Traditions:
  Both are mystified by the “rehearsal dinner” and repeatedly question the point of such formalities.

  • Dan: "You're just larping at that point." (28:11)

• Dream Wedding:
  They joke about bungee wedding, both in dresses, and who would officiate (the throwback: Nick Jonas).

  • Phil: "And our dog is in a suit." (28:32)
  • Dan: "Who would we get to marry us when we do Dan and Phil? The People's wedding... Nick Jonas?" (29:36)

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13. Final Bits: More Ways to Share & Interact (33:12)

• Listeners are encouraged to send “hard launches” (embarrassing confessions or declarations) via email.
• Plugs for the Patreon with “uncensored, unfiltered Dan and Phil yapping.”
  • Dan: "Join the Patreon for more uncensored, unfiltered Dan and Phil podcast yapping." (33:46)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On losing dignity:
  Phil: "I didn't have much dignity. That foamy message." (02:39)

• On gym exclusivity:
  Phil: "That sounds a bit gay." (18:02)
  Dan: "It’s the gayest fucking thing I ever heard in my entire life." (18:04)

• On performative protein:
  Dan: "Why are we trying to justify dessert by giving it a health tag? ...Treats should be treats." (24:13)
  Phil: "Performative protein. Get out of my mouth." (24:30)

• On awkward American wedding traditions and roles:
  Phil: "Would you be away from me so you could see me in my beautiful dress?" (28:20)
  Dan: "You've assigned the roles." (28:24)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------|------------------| | Shower foam disaster | 01:01 – 02:46 | | Lava lamp saga / Podcast vote | 03:04 – 04:17 | | Accidental 3D nude | 04:17 – 05:04 | | In-ear monitors & Clean Ear | 05:04 – 06:54 | | Health anxiety / Tour discussion | 07:14 – 10:30 | | Shoe and skateboarding lore | 11:39 – 14:24 | | Floor textures / Carpeted toilets | 16:13 – 17:00 | | Male-only gym / Masculinity tangent | 17:33 – 18:33 | | Marmot OnlyFans | 18:47 – 19:34 | | IKEA Marathon & Food Trends | 19:34 – 25:16 | | Community confessions (dating/Kelsey) | 30:04 – 32:57 | | Wedding traditions & ideas | 27:08 – 29:43 | | Listener participation instructions | 33:12 – 34:04 |

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Summary in a Nutshell

Dan and Phil turn the mundane into the memorable with stories about hygiene fails, introspective anxieties, nostalgic throwbacks, and affectionate mockery of each other's quirks. The discussion ranges widely—from why everything in life (including dessert) must now be “probiotic,” to satirizing gyms for men "protecting themselves from temptation," to plans for touring, carpeted bathrooms, and what constitutes a dream wedding for two chaotic gays. Listener stories round out the show, keeping it interactive, relatable, and deliciously offbeat. As always, the real treat is the chemistry—no performative protein required.

Transcript

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

At zocdoc, we know being a healthy adult is like living in a video game. Every day has side quests, taxes, laundry, birthdays. And just when you're leveling up, you have to book a doctor. The insurance portal crashes. They put you on hold. Your doctor doesn't take your plan. Game over. We see you. So we made booking a doctor easy. Download ZocDoc, search by specialty, insurance and availability. Book instantly, no cheat codes required. Find a doctor you love with ZocDoc.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the Bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either gonna be okay.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Nope.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned, but we have each other.

[Dan Howell]

FX's the bear, the final season, all episodes now streaming on Disney.

[Phil Lester]

I want to talk about the dangers of shower cream.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, psa.

[Phil Lester]

I got a can of shower gel that is basically like whipped cream foam. And the instructions said, apply all the foam to your body while standing outside of the water, then enter the water to rinse it all off. So I did the whole can all over myself.

[Dan Howell]

You completely, neck to toes, foamed yourself.

[Phil Lester]

I look like a giant marshmallow with some bits sticking out.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, toes. Yeah, toes. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I went to step back into the water, and then there was a lack of friction under my foot.

[Dan Howell]

A foamy foot situation.

[Phil Lester]

I've never fallen so hard before.

[Dan Howell]

I heard just a. Oh.

[Phil Lester]

It wasn't just that. It was a. I bounced.

[Dan Howell]

You know, when someone falls in the shower, it can be a serious accident. He had a fall and Phil were at that point.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not that old.

[Dan Howell]

I happened to be walking past the door at this moment, and I made the executive decision, I'm gonna just open the door. Because in my mind, you'd cracked your head open.

[Phil Lester]

You could have said, are you okay?

[Dan Howell]

I thought you could have been dead. So I was like, what? Are you okay? And I saw Phil.

[Phil Lester]

What did you see?

[Dan Howell]

Snow angel on the floor, splayed like that, just completely covered in foam. And I realized quite quickly that you were okay.

[Phil Lester]

I wasn't okay. I was in pain.

[Dan Howell]

But you weren't, like, bleeding or in half.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

So I just laughed. I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. Just on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

I can't believe laughing was your reaction. You should have been doing cpr.

[Dan Howell]

You were fine.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe you're trying to start something here. He could have at least offered me a hand up down here, guys.

[Dan Howell]

It was such a beautiful, foamy, embarrassing scene on the Floor. I just had to soak it up. I fell against the wall and I pointed and laughed for a good minute.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't have much dignity. That foamy message.

[Dan Howell]

No, there is no mystery left. The wonders of Phil's body. It was all just there.

[Phil Lester]

Well, romance is dead. But at least I smelled great. Still sniff it. Birthday cake.

[Dan Howell]

It's true. Oh, my God. You act sorry. This is fucking hell. That is powerful.

[Phil Lester]

No chomp on that. Romance is back.

[Dan Howell]

Hard. Monday, week 38. The lava lamp is dead.

[Phil Lester]

Week 38. We greased it up with some WD40 and we made it worse.

[Dan Howell]

The saga continues. Every week we get closer to God. And by that I mean meeting him. Because we're gonna die now.

[Phil Lester]

It's just lubed up and broken.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Har.

[Phil Lester]

For anyone listening in the uk, this is for you.

[Dan Howell]

A short message now coming.

[Phil Lester]

We are in the final 20 for the British podcast award.

[Dan Howell]

Listeners.

[Phil Lester]

Listeners Choice Award.

[Dan Howell]

Choice Award.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you for everyone that got us this far. The war is not over. We have to vote more times.

[Dan Howell]

And by we you.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And by clicking the link in description, you will open the Spotify app and you can vote three times. If you've enjoyed Phil and the Dead, sign in memoriam. Gone but not forgotten.

[Phil Lester]

If you've enjoyed the podcast in any way, it'd be lovely if you voted for us.

[Dan Howell]

So please, educationally, entertainmently, erotically, whatever you feel, give us a vote and we will say thanks.

[Phil Lester]

And we might have something to put

[Dan Howell]

on a shelf if we win.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Link below. Thank you. It's UK only, so if you're in the uk, please lock in. Okay?

[Dan Howell]

No pressure. Jesus. Just an award.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, is it?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Back to the show. We almost showed DAs last week. We scanned our 3D bodies and we didn't realize that in the corner of the censored image I sent to Phil was a little thumbnail of my naked body. And we were so close to posting it.

[Phil Lester]

It was about 20 pixels.

[Dan Howell]

Sneaky black and white. And then we zoomed in and we were just like, cock.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, Carly, put that in a thumbnail.

[Dan Howell]

You're just literally not allowed to post it on YouTube. We got so close.

[Phil Lester]

So close.

[Dan Howell]

And after that, I was like, phil, delete the image.

[Phil Lester]

It's gone.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil, I want to see you open the trash can and I want to see you delete it from the trash can.

[Phil Lester]

You keep your 20 pixel hog for later.

[Dan Howell]

We're having a mystery is dead off this week. Foam versus 3D scan thumbnail. I sent it to TMZ speaking of foamy surprises. How are your ears feeling?

[Phil Lester]

They feel new.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I got an ear transplant. No. We went to a place to get some in ear things fitted that you have on stage.

[Dan Howell]

Professional performer. Come see Dan and Phil on the hard launch door monitors. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Oh yeah. Monitors.

[Dan Howell]

So you can sing and hear what's happening in the show.

[Phil Lester]

The way they do that is by pumping loads of play doh into your ear hole. Which feels strange.

[Dan Howell]

First they have to clean your ear. Cause they can't take a mold of your ear if you've got like gerbils living in there or whatever. And do you know what the man said?

[Phil Lester]

Dan had one completely clean ear.

[Dan Howell]

He was aghast. This man looked at me and he was like, one of your ears. It's just like completely empty.

[Phil Lester]

It's like I could lick my dinner out of that.

[Dan Howell]

I've never seen one single ear this clean.

[Phil Lester]

It was quite mysterious. Cause your other one was gross. That one ear. That one ear was pristine.

[Dan Howell]

Libel. Honestly, it scared me. Why should I be alert? What happened?

[Phil Lester]

What are you doing with that ear?

[Dan Howell]

Have you been sticking your proboscis in it in the night or something? What's the excuse?

[Phil Lester]

Do you just like stand in the shower with your head tilted to one side the entire time? Honestly.

[Dan Howell]

Might be what it is. I think I sleep on one side. And I probably lean out the window in the shower.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe like those hippos in the Serengeti. There's a little bird that's like pecking into your ear hole when you're not knowing it.

[Dan Howell]

You are the bird in this scenario. There is nothing else that could explain that but some something we both enjoyed social progress was we asserted dominance by basking in silence.

[Phil Lester]

We just were not in the mood to chat to the person doing the thing.

[Dan Howell]

We were feeling low energy. We were feeling antisocial.

[Phil Lester]

It was the bad double introvert day

[Dan Howell]

where we don't make up for each other's low points. We compound each other's anxieties. £ Phil, please. This is very serious. We're talking about mental health.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. The problem was we didn't make small talk. And then I felt guilty for at least two days afterwards.

[Dan Howell]

We were like, were we boring? For that man who gave us the

[Phil Lester]

ear appointment, we were boring.

[Dan Howell]

He's just trying to do his job. But you know what? We sat there in silence, just vibing.

[Phil Lester]

We did. And he emptied that cheese right into our ears. Got a little video of it if you're watching on YouTube.

[Dan Howell]

What a tease for the Spotify people. I want to See that foam?

[Phil Lester]

Do you know Wikifeet is the thing. I think some people might be into ear foaming. And we've just got them off with that.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to know. No, but Phil, for the rest of the day was going, oh, can I hear? Is everything all right?

[Phil Lester]

Right. It freaked me out because before you go in, you get this laminate that

[Dan Howell]

says sign the waiver.

[Phil Lester]

Most people are fine.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what's most.

[Dan Howell]

Bit of air cleaning is that like

[Phil Lester]

3% of people are not fin.

[Dan Howell]

They said some people may experience partial deafness. I feel like some isn't the most reassuring word there.

[Phil Lester]

And rare chances of complete deafness.

[Dan Howell]

What's rare?

[Phil Lester]

What's rare? Exactly how many people are we talking, Jonathan?

[Dan Howell]

So obviously, Phil spent the rest of the day going, I've had my brain filled with fomo. I'm gonna die in the next three minutes.

[Phil Lester]

As someone with health anxiety, I don't need to see those laminates. You know what I mean? I'm already thinking about enough things that could happen to me without thinking about.

[Dan Howell]

So you're in your I don't wanna know era.

[Phil Lester]

No, just fill my ear with your goo and just leave me alone.

[Dan Howell]

Inject that foam into my brain and let me.

[Phil Lester]

I know I've got to do it. You don't need to tell me one in million chance that I'm gonna go deaf.

[Dan Howell]

Because then Phil went on the Internet and was opening the calculator app and trying to calculate if he bought loads of Powerball tickets, what would his chance be of winning as a way to work out if he had the one in a million chance of losing his hearing, which is very normal behavior.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe I should talk to a therapist, because I do. Will you? No. The thing is, I do get a bit in my head with health stuff sometimes. So I think a bit when I am presented with a danger or a risk. I think about it for at least two days after. I don't think that's inherently healthy.

[Dan Howell]

And did you win any money in the Powerball?

[Phil Lester]

I didn't win the simulated Powerball. I didn't win the simulated chance of deafness.

[Dan Howell]

Well, there you go. Double L, A double dub.

[Phil Lester]

Overall, I was fine. But I do want to touch wood. And the stove.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Can we just get a block of wood for. Thank you. I just need some wood. There's no wood in this room. Give me the wood.

[Dan Howell]

I need a man in the room.

[Phil Lester]

Have you noticed that, though? I do seem to have got worse with the health anxiety, though.

[Dan Howell]

What am I supposed to do here? Chat?

[Phil Lester]

Just not make fun of my.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. No. I mean, no.

[Phil Lester]

What? No, you can be honest. Be honest. Do I need serious intervention?

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. I will go to therapy about this. When?

[Dan Howell]

In March 2027, when we're back from tour. That's what always fucking happens.

[Phil Lester]

And just don't tell me about the.

[Dan Howell]

You know, what these pop stars are doing on the road. They're running from their problems.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

They don't like their wife at home. They don't like their responsibilities. They want to run. They want to get on the road. Dan and Phil, we're going on the road. Why? Because it's fun. But also, what are we running from?

[Phil Lester]

Each other. But we're together.

[Dan Howell]

That's the one thing that we won't succeed at doing.

[Phil Lester]

We'll be hand in hand going through the States. What I will not think about is the microbes in the tour bus shower, the traffic. The scorpion.

[Dan Howell]

The scorpion is out there somewhere on the continent of North America.

[Phil Lester]

The single scorpion with a grudge. And I'll be fine. And then I'll get therapy when we get back. And I'll be reading all of the stuff that could happen to me in a hospital. I'll watch the Pit for fun.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. Just for the thrill.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Of knowing everything that you don't have.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. There's also some concern. I said I can't have coffee in the last podcast episode.

[Dan Howell]

Concern.

[Phil Lester]

I can still have decaf. It's just for some reason. Coffee's a migraine trigger.

[Dan Howell]

All of your migraine triggers are world's best thing.

[Phil Lester]

They're all fun.

[Dan Howell]

Coffee, chocolate, red wine.

[Phil Lester]

The only one is cheese. I know. That's one I'm not sad about that.

[Dan Howell]

Dodged that little yellow stinky bullet, didn't you?

[Phil Lester]

Well, what's strange is you can get the migraine two days later, so it's really hard to find out what it is. So you've got to cut it out for a while and then see if you feel better.

[Dan Howell]

And sometimes you're like, mmm, but I want a turtle. Oops.

[Phil Lester]

Oops. But my migraines have got better. Actually, I would say.

[Dan Howell]

There you go.

[Phil Lester]

Less dizzy. Oh.

[Dan Howell]

And because you're feeling better, you still want the attention, which is now why you're making up the health stuff in your head.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

No.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

At Sockdoc, we know being a healthy adult is like living in a video game. Every day has side quests, taxes, laundry, birthdays. And just when you're leveling up, you have to book a doctor. The insurance Portal crashes, they put you on hold. Your doctor doesn't take your plan. Game over. We see you. So we made booking a doctor easy. Download ZocDoc. Search by specialty, insurance and availability Book instantly. No cheat codes required. Find a doctor you love with ZocDoc.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the Bear. The restaurant is flooded. That falls like cheese. Everything's either gonna be okay.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Nope.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. But we have each other.

[Dan Howell]

FX's the bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney. Oh, you just looked at my shoes. Now's a good time to comment.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. Are you making up for your height with those bubble shoes, skater boy?

[Dan Howell]

See you later, boy. Do you like them?

[Phil Lester]

I like them. The laces are disturbing me. Do they feel tight or are they gonna fly off if you're on a roller coaster?

[Dan Howell]

That was such a thing, right?

[Phil Lester]

Ye.

[Dan Howell]

I think they're just supposed to look like they're constantly flapping off. So it's just on the verge of kicking someone in the head.

[Phil Lester]

Is that not annoying when you're walking around?

[Dan Howell]

No, they're quite secure. The tongue is so fat that it's locked in.

[Phil Lester]

Oh,

[Dan Howell]

ladies.

[Phil Lester]

That's what she likes. But I think. But are you feeling any tightness? That's what she likes.

[Dan Howell]

Chat. How am I supposed to answer this?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Are you feeling tightness on your foot?

[Dan Howell]

They feel secure. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I'm surprised.

[Dan Howell]

I really wanted these shoes when I was like, 11 and then Osiris. Well, we're going back to 2001. We're re releasing the ones with the bub, and I'm just living my best life.

[Phil Lester]

They don't have the pump on, though. Remember Reebok pump? That was the best one.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Pump it up.

[Dan Howell]

I don't need the height advantage. That is for real.

[Phil Lester]

No, you keep wearing ridiculous shoes that are making you seven feet tall.

[Dan Howell]

You fucking bought me the last pair of shoes. Ridiculous.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah, Because I like to make you happy with things that make you look silly.

[Dan Howell]

You want to make me bigger?

[Phil Lester]

Get bigger. Get taller. Keep going. Eight foot, nine foot.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like I am actually appropriating culture though, not a skater.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You've never skated.

[Dan Howell]

I had a Pikachu skateboard when I was nine.

[Phil Lester]

Did you ever go on it?

[Dan Howell]

Once. Pre Internet. This is what life was like. Okay. I'm nine.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Tony Hawk's pro skater dad, can I have a skateboard? Buys me a Pikachu. Skateboard at the time. Very corny. Retrospective. Fucking sick as fuck.

[Phil Lester]

That's really cool.

[Dan Howell]

Bright yellow Pikachu skateboard. Yeah, I get it. Put it in the driveway. How the fuck do I do a kickflip? Where do I learn information?

[Phil Lester]

Where do I go?

[Dan Howell]

My mom isn't going to teach me how to do an ollie. How the fuck do I learn this? It just occurred to me. I've got the thing. Who's gonna teach me the skill? So I never did it. Aww, what's that about?

[Phil Lester]

What a waste.

[Dan Howell]

What did you make use of this? You had a frickin literal pro skater brother.

[Phil Lester]

My brother entered skateboard competitions. And I did have a skateboard. My dad got me one with a woman on it with massive anime boobs. Do you think he was trying to. Trying to turn me the other way?

[Dan Howell]

We need to intervene now. We need to get him the big tiddy. Goth. The skateboard.

[Phil Lester]

It was blonde. Actually, she wasn't goth.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so sorry. That was ahead of the time.

[Phil Lester]

She was a warrior princess, I think.

[Dan Howell]

Was it a zena sky?

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no, it was anime.

[Dan Howell]

It was a generic fantasy anime.

[Phil Lester]

It was mainly boobs.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I was not a faker though. I had the skater clothes, I had the chain and.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, because as we know, the first step towards authenticity is get in the chain.

[Phil Lester]

I could skate up and down the street line.

[Dan Howell]

I could go down a hill, accelerate down. Could you stop?

[Phil Lester]

I could stop, but I couldn't ollie.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

And you never left the floor. And me and my friend.

[Dan Howell]

Did your brother express any interest in teaching you?

[Phil Lester]

Not really.

[Dan Howell]

Get rekt. Go on.

[Phil Lester]

Me and my friend Sarah Jenkins, we went down to the farm.

[Dan Howell]

Sarah Jenkins, real name.

[Phil Lester]

We went to Whitaker Park.

[Dan Howell]

Real park.

[Phil Lester]

Walked past some guys and they went, ugh. Nice Argos skateboards.

[Dan Howell]

Don't shame my catalog.

[Phil Lester]

Skateboard. Do you know what I wanted to say?

[Dan Howell]

Family on a budget. What did you want to say, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Nice Argos face. But I didn't because I thought they might beat me up.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, they would have. 100%. Yeah, Shank and spank. That'd have been the end of you. I'm glad that you didn't talk back. No moral of the story, if you got a sassy thing in your head, just wait until you've got a podcast 20 years later and then everyone will clap.

[Phil Lester]

He's gonna come in the room. Justin from year 11. Don't attack me now.

[Dan Howell]

So real park, fake girl name, fake guy name.

[Phil Lester]

Why is this fake? I tell all the truth.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna log into your Facebook and search Justin later and see if there's

[Phil Lester]

a. I wasn't friends with him. He was a twat.

[Dan Howell]

He was a twat. I'm see if there's someone called Justin with mutual friends from your hometown.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, there will be.

[Dan Howell]

I'm going to message him saying, Phil said you got an Argos face.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And then I'll invite him onto the podcast next week.

[Phil Lester]

And you're a twat.

[Dan Howell]

Is that what you just said to him?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Get him, Phil. Hello.

[Phil Lester]

But, yeah, you look cool. There we go.

[Dan Howell]

It took a long time to get to that, didn't it? Phil, thank you for liking my outfit.

[Phil Lester]

You're welcome.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Is it appropriation or is it fine? Do I need to skate? No, you don't need to buy the shoes. I just like thick shoes.

[Phil Lester]

It would be quite an entertaining YouTube video if we did get you on a skateboard.

[Dan Howell]

Do we have the insurance for that?

[Phil Lester]

Probably not.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. But people are doing that. They're saying it's bored short summer. Yeah, right. Urban Outfitters 2027. It's the summer of Dan and Phil. What items are on the rack?

[Phil Lester]

Minecraft pajamas. It's gotta be feet out.

[Dan Howell]

Raw feet. Yep. Pokemon T shirt from Tesco. Your mum gave it to you for Christmas.

[Phil Lester]

And something black for Dan.

[Dan Howell]

One black accessory. It's gonna be big. I hope you're all ready. Get on it now. Although don't get on it now because you'll be too ahead of the curve when people still think you're freaky, you know, you don't get the credit for it. It's like when you do a TikTok trend too early and everyone doesn't get it.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I was wondering to do it after Jimmy Fallon's done it, it' that we

[Phil Lester]

wear shoes in the facement. Does that mean we don't feel like we're at foam here? Do you know what I mean? We're all wearing shoes right now. Do we need to get carpet in here?

[Dan Howell]

Well, yeah, because you've got fucking lava lamp grease all over the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

There is slip and slide over here.

[Phil Lester]

Puddles of lube on the floor.

[Dan Howell]

We are no shoes in the house, people, because the outside is disgusting. Maybe that's just a London thing.

[Phil Lester]

I think if you live in the

[Dan Howell]

wilderness and you're on the grass, it's like, the grass, my ass. It's all mi casa.

[Phil Lester]

Whereas here it's like, no, it's never good to have your shoes on in a house. Ever?

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Ever.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

What do we need to do to make this facement more foamy so you can get the dogs out?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Phil?

[Phil Lester]

More rugs, maybe Carpet more rugs. Whole thing.

[Dan Howell]

You yearn to carpet everything.

[Phil Lester]

I like the feeling of a carpet between my feet.

[Dan Howell]

Phil would have a carpeted toilet if he could.

[Phil Lester]

No, that's gross.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, so there's a line, is there?

[Phil Lester]

There's a line, but I'm not happy with bare tiles under my feet ever.

[Dan Howell]

So what surface would you ideally like your bathroom to be if you don't like tiles?

[Phil Lester]

Gel.

[Dan Howell]

Like a squishy.

[Phil Lester]

Squishy gel.

[Dan Howell]

Bouncy rubber.

[Phil Lester]

Make it out of squishy. Like the butter squishy material.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, no. We're not having a scented butter squishy. Yeah, we're not doing that.

[Phil Lester]

Glitter capybara floor.

[Dan Howell]

Nope.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know how else I can improve your life?

[Dan Howell]

How?

[Phil Lester]

With the thing. There's only a man in the room.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Conservative Christian men in Oklahoma have opened a male only gym to protect themselves from temptation.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. One is qu saying, I had to choose between honoring the Lord, honoring my wife and guarding my eyes or training my body. So I quit four gyms.

[Phil Lester]

What? Is this real?

[Dan Howell]

There are men that are like a woman in yoga pants within 25ft of me, minding her own business. I am so uncontrollable in my mind. I've just got to be surrounded by more men.

[Phil Lester]

That sounds a bit gay.

[Dan Howell]

It's the gayest fucking thing I ever heard in my entire life. But the insecurity. Is that real?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, just some lads. Maybe we can take our shorts off.

[Dan Howell]

They don't want any homosexual men doing the yoga. No. Because it might be tempting as well. I'm not sure. There's so many temptations for these types.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, there's some great saunas they could go to in London with the similar vibe.

[Dan Howell]

I think they probably need to work some stuff out.

[Phil Lester]

One of them said they're training to be the tip of the spear in the fight against evil.

[Dan Howell]

It's just super gay, isn't it? I'm training to be the tip.

[Phil Lester]

I think it would be nice if you could be normal around women. Challenge.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Like you don't need your own space. You're just not welcome in any spaces. Like, sort it out.

[Phil Lester]

Get your marmots out.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

California marmot researchers have turned to onlyfans. What? After their funding has dried up, promising to post uncensored marmot on only marms.

[Dan Howell]

It's like, kind of funny. Also sad that the current administration has canceled billions of dollars of research grants.

[Phil Lester]

We need to fund the marmots. We saw marmots together in Denver and it was a really nice day.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. Phil. How are they being impacted by climate change? Where do they go as we encroach upon their natural spaces when we're building AI data centers?

[Phil Lester]

This is harsh.

[Dan Howell]

I know.

[Phil Lester]

Save the marmot.

[Dan Howell]

To be clear, you go there and they're posting marmot content. This isn't like the seagull guy on TikTok, where it's like, oh, my account's

[Phil Lester]

about the animal, but you see a lot of butt.

[Dan Howell]

Let me just feed this animal.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, if you had that cake, you'd set up an OnlyFans, wouldn't you?

[Dan Howell]

Well, you'd know. You clicked on it, didn't you?

[Phil Lester]

Yep. Time for the flat pack track.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

IKEA in Croydon, near London is hosting a marathon where you can run 60 laps of IKEA.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

There will be meatballs at the aid stations.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I'm sorry, Right, Imagine. Okay, funny idea. You're running a marathon inside an IKEA backroom's core.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

At what lap of IKEA would you just start to break down a little bit emotionally?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I think like the halogen lights above your head, but you're running past beds as well.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Kallax.

[Dan Howell]

Kallax bed.

[Phil Lester]

I just wanna have a little sit on a sofa.

[Dan Howell]

Mind game. And then you get to an aid station and someone's like, warm meatball. Warm meatball, anyone?

[Phil Lester]

You're gonna need a Rennie after that, aren't you?

[Dan Howell]

Vegan hot dog. I'll just Javel in it.

[Phil Lester]

It' absolutely not.

[Dan Howell]

And yet you have to do it. They did put a six hour time limit on though, because it is a real store and people need to go back to work.

[Phil Lester]

I like it. Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Wow, what a time to be alive. Well, there you go, Phil. One less gym that you have to go to.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna go do the IKEA marathon.

[Dan Howell]

Are you? Yeah, gym, IKEA marathon.

[Phil Lester]

That's where I'll be.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Dan Howell]

I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX's the Bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either gonna be okay.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Nope.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. But we have each other.

[Dan Howell]

FX's the bear, the final season. All episodes now streaming on Disney,

[Phil Lester]

Not Ikea. But I have been yearning for a trip, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

I want to go to Ikea. I just wanna walk around.

[Phil Lester]

I keep getting tiktoks of gays who are doing things like, we're going to Broadstairs for the day, and then we're

[Dan Howell]

happy homosexuals on day trips. Where have they got the time?

[Phil Lester]

They're gonna walk across the beach, get to Margate, have an ice cream, and then come back to London until the sun sets.

[Dan Howell]

Who do they think they are?

[Phil Lester]

Why don't we do things like that, Dan?

[Dan Howell]

What are all these people doing on a Wednesday, not in an office? Are they not doing important work with male podcasts? We could. There is nothing stopping us from just going outside and being vlogged.

[Phil Lester]

We could have a day where we go to the beach together, stroll down

[Dan Howell]

the boulevard, get a froyo.

[Phil Lester]

What? Why? Why?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. That's just some thing that people do, isn't it? I don't. Have you ever gotten frozen yogurt?

[Phil Lester]

No. It's the worst thing. No. If someone's like. It is. If someone's like, do you want to go get an ice cream or do you want to go get a yogurt? I'm like, not really.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Well, Phil, if you want to go on an adventure, we're literally going around the entire world.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, there we go. We'll have a little trip.

[Dan Howell]

No, we'll have many, many trips.

[Phil Lester]

We could go to Target together in America. Wow, that's just the same as Margate Beach.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And just trying to fill your bunk with stuff. That's like doing a marathon in an Ikea, isn't it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Well, there you quests abound.

[Phil Lester]

Quests are coming. And you can join us on our quest at dan and filltour.com.

[Dan Howell]

you remembered it. Very professional.

[Phil Lester]

I did.

[Dan Howell]

Have we actually ever had frozen yogurt?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we have.

[Dan Howell]

We went with Kat in la. In LA once. The one time we had frozen yogurt,

[Phil Lester]

and I completely covered mine in stuff, so it didn't even taste like yogurt anymore.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like this is buffet syndrome. Sometimes you're not given too many choices. You just end up doing something disgusting because you get overwhelmed. Yeah, I want a curated plate. I Want a restaurant to go, this is a plate. Order it. It's gonna be good. When you go to the froyo station and there's 25 toppings, you're like, fuck. Oh, my God. What is this? Decrepit bukake of sprinkles.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Get all of them.

[Dan Howell]

But Friday night. Am I right, brother?

[Phil Lester]

Stop.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know that bukake literally just means covered in stuff?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

So when you're in Japan, you could go to a noodle place and it's like bukake noodles, and it just means, like, splashed with.

[Phil Lester]

Right?

[Dan Howell]

So when I say it's like a bouquet of ingredients, it's actually what it is.

[Phil Lester]

What happens to all these shops, though? Because froyo had its thing, right?

[Dan Howell]

It had its thing up until 15 years ago.

[Phil Lester]

Are people still going to get it?

[Dan Howell]

They're in a constant quest to reinvent themselves. Frozen yogurt is actually having a moment again because they've waited through so many cycles until their moments come. And you know what they can say?

[Phil Lester]

What is it?

[Dan Howell]

It's packed with protein.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, not protein.

[Dan Howell]

And it's probiotic.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so sick of protein.

[Dan Howell]

Why does everything have to be biotic? Prebiotic, probiotic, postbiotic. I want to take the biology out. I want fully artificial snacks back.

[Phil Lester]

No biotics.

[Dan Howell]

I want antibiotic desserts.

[Phil Lester]

You want antibiotic carbs.

[Dan Howell]

And I was like, why can't things just be fun anymore? It's like, I want an ice cream now. I want a froyo. Why? Because it's packed with protein and it's probiotic. Why are we trying to justify dessert by giving it a health tag?

[Phil Lester]

Treats should be treats.

[Dan Howell]

They should just be treats.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that's why.

[Dan Howell]

It's the flavor. Just so you can be performative.

[Phil Lester]

Performative protein. Get out of my mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Sounds like a rough weekend in Margate.

[Phil Lester]

Am I right, brother?

[Dan Howell]

Skrt donuts. Do you remember when donuts.

[Phil Lester]

Don't tell me they're ruined by protein.

[Dan Howell]

They're gonna be next.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No.

[Dan Howell]

There's all of these food trends where all of a sudden a million of them pop up across the city because someone goes, oh, my God, we need gourmet donuts. We need six pound donuts that aren't just a Krispy Kreme like they started it, but now we're gonna make them. Architectural experiences, brand collaboration. We're gonna have the Stranger Things donut. It's gonna be 8 pound 50. It's gonna be this big and it's gonna fucking kill you if you eat

[Phil Lester]

the Whole thing tastes disgusting.

[Dan Howell]

Hundreds of them all across London. They're waiting until they can find out the next health trend.

[Phil Lester]

They're filled with antibiotics and protein.

[Dan Howell]

Antibiotics?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Bubble tea is still people doing that.

[Dan Howell]

That's going strong. I feel like that's forever. I feel like people just like that and it's a part of their life. It's a coffee alternative.

[Phil Lester]

Tapioca in the mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Unlike smoothie and acai bowl places. Oh my God. It's like this is the summer. Everyone needs an acai bowl. And then they realize goji berries taste like fucking ass shit. They taste like leathery skin tags. Also smoothie bowls. That's like you're gonna do backflips from the amounts of sugar in that.

[Phil Lester]

What is an acai berry?

[Dan Howell]

Phil? Did Katy Perry's Just Eat advert not teach you anything?

[Phil Lester]

And I need acai and I want acai. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When a butter ring delivery.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. Name three.

[Phil Lester]

Katy Perry. Firework.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Firework. And another firework. Raw.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. What's your favorite one?

[Phil Lester]

I kissed a girl. It's not my favorite one. I'm trying to name a woman here.

[Dan Howell]

Delectable choice. Interesting. We're going back to MySpace and I

[Phil Lester]

tasted acai on her mouth.

[Dan Howell]

I remember Katy Perry when she was like a quirky guitar singer. Songwriter. You're so gay and you don't even like boys. Do we need to. We're not gonna go back.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

We're not gonna go back.

[Phil Lester]

We could.

[Dan Howell]

He's jacking off listening to Mozart. What's wrong with that?

[Phil Lester]

Everyone jacks some shit.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

I do.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. You love Mozart.

[Dan Howell]

Richard. I think Richard's.

[Phil Lester]

I'm.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, come on in. Save us from Katy Perry.

[Phil Lester]

It's your turn.

[Dan Howell]

It's always my turn.

[Phil Lester]

No, no. It was. I did last week.

[Dan Howell]

But I'm so generous. It's your turn. We're not going to do an IKEA marathon, are we? Okay.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

I saw that. Oh. Woo. It's a cheeky chartreuse chap.

[Phil Lester]

It's a yellow ball.

[Dan Howell]

What do you want me to do with this? Huh?

[Phil Lester]

Eat it.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Don't.

[Phil Lester]

We don't know where that's been in.

[Dan Howell]

Richard.

[Phil Lester]

Richard is not antibiotic.

[Dan Howell]

Antibiotic weddings from Caitlin and Riley weddings. What do you think about them? I'm getting married. Do you want to come?

[Phil Lester]

I've been to three. I think.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And they're always alright. I think it's like. I think they're too long.

[Dan Howell]

You've only been to family and your closest friend's weddings.

[Phil Lester]

I think they're Fun, but too long for me. It's like, why are we turning up

[Dan Howell]

at 1 o' clock and leaving at 1 o'?

[Phil Lester]

Clock?

[Dan Howell]

Why does it need to be 12 hours?

[Phil Lester]

Let's condense it all to 3 hours and then maybe a party afterwards.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I feel like you can combine the reception and the wedding. So it's like you go straight to the altar and then it's immediately just push the chairs out of the way and then everyone's doing shots.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

In and out, three hours.

[Phil Lester]

What about those engagement parties that are secretly the wedding? I think that's quite a good idea because then everyone's already there and then they can just go bump. We're married now, but I don't like.

[Dan Howell]

How many events do you need? Also, if you've just seen everybody, it's like, I don't wanna see you all again for, like, three years.

[Phil Lester]

Also, what is a rehearsal dinner? A rehearsal dinner? They do in America. You meet everyone, you get all your chats out, and then the next day at the wedding, what's your chat?

[Dan Howell]

You're just larping at that point.

[Phil Lester]

I've run out of things to talk about already.

[Dan Howell]

I'd be like, get away from me.

[Phil Lester]

What about seeing the groom before the night?

[Dan Howell]

I don't believe in any of that.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, would you be away from me so you could see me in my beautiful dress?

[Dan Howell]

You've assigned the roles.

[Phil Lester]

No, you're also in a dress.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

And our dog is in a suit.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Why not? Get on it.

[Dan Howell]

And where's Davis? I would feel scared. I'd be like, is Phil okay?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Does he know where to go?

[Phil Lester]

Is the superglue in the right area?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I just feel like, you know, if someone doesn't turn up and you go, oh, my God, they got cold feet. Phil's not gonna make it to the altar. I'd just be like, he's locked in a detergent cupboard somewhere.

[Phil Lester]

What do you think?

[Dan Howell]

He tried to find the entrance and he walked off a fire exit.

[Phil Lester]

Cliff, what's your dream wedding?

[Dan Howell]

Dan, I'm not doing a destination thing. Yeah, destination weddings. Ethical.

[Phil Lester]

I think if you're at the last minute getting everyone to pay lots of money to go somewhere, that might be a bit stressful for people that can't afford it.

[Dan Howell]

But it seems lovely if everyone can.

[Phil Lester]

What about a bungee jump wedding?

[Dan Howell]

Everybody?

[Phil Lester]

Everybody.

[Dan Howell]

All of the guests and the priest all bungee jump at the same time.

[Phil Lester]

You have to do it, and you

[Dan Howell]

get it over in 13 seconds and you got a kiss at the bottom

[Phil Lester]

before you bounce back up again.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, and get whiplash banging your heads into each other. Let's not do that. That's why we're not wedding planners.

[Phil Lester]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

The wedding planners.

[Phil Lester]

Taylor Swift had Sandler. Who would we get to marry us

[Dan Howell]

when we do Dan and Phil? The People's wedding. Live video 2 married by. We need to be a throwback. The conspiracy thirds.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Nick.

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember Nick Jonas? He's got to officiate.

[Dan Howell]

The buddy needs to come back to lo.

[Phil Lester]

The buddy's back in London. And then you leave me at the altar for him. It writes itself in, the plot twist.

[Dan Howell]

See it at IMAX 2028.

[Phil Lester]

See it say it's sorted. Should we get some chat in?

[Dan Howell]

I want to hear from the listeners now. Not that I don't want to hear more from you, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Hi.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Hi.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Eva. I'm from Nebraska.

[Dan Howell]

And it's okay.

[Phil Lester]

I'm hard launching that. I think the next big endeavor for Dan and Phil should be launching a dating app. I need to meet my wife on FinJ.

[Dan Howell]

Not FinJ. Not Finn. Oh, my God. I don't want to know what the catchphrases are gonna be for that.

[Phil Lester]

Finder sounds a bit like finger.

[Dan Howell]

That's not better, is it?

[Phil Lester]

No, not really.

[Dan Howell]

Finder.

[Phil Lester]

Finder.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Hard launch tour is gonna be where you meet your other half, surely.

[Dan Howell]

Or your other third. Or your other eighth if you're in Portland. Am I right, people?

[Phil Lester]

Wear a little lesbian pin. Yeah, Wave to the other lesbians. How else could you say I'm single and ready to mingle? You've just got to be brave to talk to the person sat next to you, basically.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that's a big ask, Phil. You can't just say that. It's a big ask, but I think the comment section is Finch. It's happening right now.

[Phil Lester]

It's happening.

[Dan Howell]

You could just say I love the look of your icon, which is probably, at this point, my face.

[Phil Lester]

That's not gonna help.

[Dan Howell]

I can tell by your choice of amazing film meme icon. You the one for me. We need the Jumbotron. Who are we gonna expose?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, the Kiss can.

[Dan Howell]

Ah, look at that throuple canoodling on the balcony. Oh, fuck, it's Jeff Bezos.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. And not only have we taken down Amazon, we have to kill him before he leaves the room.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, goodness me, I'm choking. It's a comedy podcast.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not. It's a comedy podcast. I'm an orca.

[Phil Lester]

Date people at the tour, but be safe Online with who you're talking to

[Dan Howell]

and also in person. I thought you were gonna say also. Yeah, yeah, rub her up and then check who you're talking to next. Say Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Hi, I'm Kelsey from Cardiff.

[ZocDoc Advertiser]

Hi.

[Phil Lester]

I'm hard launching. The lesbians should not be apart for

[Dan Howell]

longer than a week.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

My girlfriend has left for two months, and I've already shaved my eyebrow, bleached my hair. Blonde eyebrow. I don't know what's gonna happen next. I might dye everything green.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God, no.

[Phil Lester]

Not the green.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

No.

[Phil Lester]

Did they shave the whole eyebrow off or was it a slit?

[Dan Howell]

Not established. Also, I'm definitely sure it was eyebrow. Right. It was singular.

[Phil Lester]

Single eyebrow, eyebrow.

[Dan Howell]

One eyebrow. Bold move. See, this is what we're talking about. The trends of next year.

[Phil Lester]

I've never left you at home.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

So we would see what would happen if you were.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck would I do?

[Phil Lester]

What would you do? Black towels.

[Dan Howell]

Let's go.

[Phil Lester]

I'd come back and there'd just be a hound. I've replaced you with a dog, and

[Dan Howell]

his name is Clyde.

[Phil Lester]

I did actually get the green dye out again.

[Dan Howell]

My fucking face. When Phil said, I've got more of it, I was ready to tackle him. Throw it out the window like a grenade.

[Phil Lester]

No. We've now got sexy forest green towels rather than horrible.

[Dan Howell]

Why did this take you a full year? Plus Phil said, oh, yeah. Remember when I dyed everything and it looks moldy? If I just dye it again, it will actually look forest green.

[Phil Lester]

And they call me the architect of the house.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I mean, it took you a long time to make those towels not look like stinky cheese.

[Phil Lester]

Good things come in long time. What?

[Dan Howell]

That's what they say.

[Phil Lester]

Good things come. Is that this class in a long time?

[Dan Howell]

Is that us? Is that Dan and Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Good things come in a long, long time. And we need more.

[Phil Lester]

We need more. If you want to send us a hard launch, you can email hard launchpodcastmail.com

[Dan Howell]

a confession, an invention, a declaration. This is your space to get things off your chest.

[Phil Lester]

Something that will shock us, surprise us, make us laugh, make it short, make it snappy, and send it to us.

[Dan Howell]

It only needs to be really interesting, hilarious, relatable, and snackable. So get on it and email it

[Phil Lester]

to hardlaunchpodcastmail.com thank you. Thank you. And if you want more chat from us, we're gonna be going to the Patreon for water cycle.

[Dan Howell]

Patreon.com Dan, prioritize your extracurricular things. Join the Patreon for more uncensored, unfiltered Dan and Phil podcast yapping.

[Phil Lester]

We're not going to be squishing capybaras today, but there is going to be content that you will not want to miss.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, Bye.

[Phil Lester]

Thanks.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Bye.

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[Dan Howell]

I'm not giving up. I am selling the building. The final season of FX is the Bear. The restaurant is flooded. Everything's either gonna be okay. Nope, Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Or not. We are outgunned and we are outmanned. But we have each other.

[Dan Howell]

FX's the Bear the Final Season all episodes now streaming on Disney.

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[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

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