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A
Phil has been in a bad mood with me all day.
B
I mean, you deserve it, Dan. Let's be honest.
A
Let's be honest why?
B
Right, so we were stuck in a lift. It was scary. There was another guy there. He was a bit shifty. We were stuck there for ages. Dan decides to climb through the hatch in the top of the lift into the shaft. And I just had this fear that you were gonna die in the shaft because it's dangerous being on top of a lift, and you were just going straight up there. You didn't even say bye. You just. I'm gonna go get help. Climb through the shaft. I am left with the guy, and then I see he's holding a sword.
A
Okay, so firstly, you're mad at me for taking the initiative and trying to save your life.
B
Yeah.
A
I mean, no parking that. No, we're parking that. Secondly, who was the guy?
B
Phil? Ralph Fiennes?
A
You are mad at me for something I did in a dream. Again, I am not him.
B
You are him.
A
No, that didn't happen.
B
It's just because I like you, and I don't want you to die in a lift shaft. You.
A
What the fuck do I do in this situation?
B
Be nicer to me in the dreamland. We could have done a whole lot of fun things in that elevator with Rafe and his sword.
A
What are you, Wraith and his sharp stick? Alone?
B
Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. You're forgiven.
A
Three, two, three.
B
Pod lawn. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
A
Welcome Back to the MailPod. We're your hosts, Deepzy and Phil Leasy.
B
Phil Leasy.
A
And I hope you're hard on a Monday.
B
I'm feeling hard. Or actually feeling very soft because we're fleece boys today.
A
Fleece with a piece, please. Let's rub fluff.
B
Oh, yeah.
A
Feel that static electricity.
B
Whoa.
A
Podcast explodes, we both fucking die. What a way to go, though. Caught in 4K.
B
I know. Me and my brother used to drag dressing gowns across the floor and then zap each other in the eyes with static electricity.
A
Well, no wonder you have the vision of a fucking naked mole rat.
B
I know. That's probably why we'd go really close and go and then dare each other to zap it right.
A
Every day I learn a new nugget of information that adds to the tapestry of law, which is why the fuck you are the way you are. Yeah.
B
If you ever overboard, get that dressing gown out, rub it up and down.
A
Oh, Jesus, I ain't gonna be doing that.
B
Buzz, buzz.
A
Phil's also been very annoying today because he learned that he has a rare blood type. And he thinks that that makes him, like, special and more important than other people.
B
I'm like a shiny Pokemon.
A
No, you're an annoying Pokemon.
B
What?
A
Having a rare blood type means that the hospital have to work harder to save you and you can't save anyone else.
B
No. Yes.
A
No, no, no, no. That's literally it.
B
That's what it is. I'm an AB positive. There's one in 50 people have that. And it's me. Shiny special.
A
You're not gonna get one of these. You're gonna get one of these. Oh, yeah, that's the noise you're gonna be making. And they'll be like, where's the blood? Oh, there isn't any.
B
It was so hard to find out my blood type, though, because I knew I'd been to hospital and got some of this.
A
We all know Phil has been to hospital so many times.
B
Why are they, like, so shady about telling you what it is? Just let me know. Yeah.
A
You were like, can I know my blood type?
B
And they were like, hmm, maybe. I guess you'll have to email us.
A
Why are you trying to withhold that information?
B
Just tell me, Deborah. I wanna know.
A
But can't you take other people's blood? All the O people in the chat, they're out here donating.
B
Give me that blood.
A
Jesus Christ.
B
I hope I don't need it again. Touch wood.
A
Literal.
B
There's no wood.
A
Get fucked trying to touch wood here. Uh oh.
B
Touch blood.
A
Speaking of wood, that makes. No, I didn't like that.
B
Okay.
A
Do you know what tends to have a lot of rich mahogany?
B
Mahogany.
A
Four Seasons residences.
B
Oh, yes. We had a lovely time in the Four Seasons, London. If you didn't watch the video, Phil.
A
We need to drop it. We need to drop it. We need to kill it, guys. We got shot the fuck down by the Four Seasons Thailand. Okay?
B
They said no.
A
They, to be blunt, were scared. I think collectively we scared the shit out of them. Okay.
B
I feel like you guys over memed it.
A
Don't blame them.
B
They did.
A
You asked. We did a video. Staying in the Four Seasons, London.
B
Yeah.
A
They said, oh, we had fun. Let us know, Dan and Phil, if you want to film any other content in the Four Seasons. And then you went. Went straight to. I want a week's holiday in the most expensive Four Seasons in the Thailand hotel. That was in White Lotus. That needs no promo whatsoever.
B
I thought they would have liked that.
A
You straight up emailed them and was like, can I have a holiday that's worth $15,000. And the lady was like, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask. We don't know who you are. We don't know what you're talking about. We're scared. This isn't normal.
B
But there were so many funny memes.
A
They checked the TikTok comments and they thought that they were being cyber attacked. They thought it was a coordinated assault from Russian trolls.
B
They thought we were a virus.
A
They thought that they were in D. That we meant them physical harm. Oh, well, the back egg all over again.
B
We don't need it, Dan. We can have fun without the Four.
A
Seasons for your fucking self. Have you seen how miserable London is right now? In February?
B
We could go back to the Four Seasons, Tower Bridge. We had a lovely time there.
A
I had a lovely time in the Four Seasons, Tower Bridge.
B
Let's do that.
A
I could go on a fucking holiday to London.
B
Oh, okay.
A
A mile away from where we already sit on our asses.
B
I could get one of those seasonal affective disorder heat lamps. And then we could sit in the Four Seasons London and just point that at our faces and go, jesus Christ. Or we could get one of the fancy Four Seasons London dressing gowns, rub them up and down on the carpet.
A
And give ourselves electro shot therapy until we forget the joy that we allowed ourselves to dream of a hot holiday.
B
We will have a hot holiday before the end of the year.
A
You just gotta pay for it yourself.
B
I'm pay for it.
A
That's fucking devastating.
B
I mean, we will. That's fine.
A
So thank you to everybody. We did it so well that we fucked up.
B
We messed up though. I did like the memes.
A
Great, articulate comments. You should all get jobs in corporate hr.
B
Yes.
A
A lot of people think that you should have had a job in corporate HR because you love gossip.
B
I do love a gossip.
A
Would you have been the snitch in the office Slack channel?
B
I was so tempted today. This is kind of gross. But I went to.
A
Where the fuck is this going?
B
I went to the communal bathroom. In this place?
A
Yes.
B
Someone had spat their gum out in the sink where I was going to wash my hands. What the hell is wrong with that? I almost got a post it note that wrote, you are gross and put an arrow to the gum and then a little cat sticker getting bonked on the head. But I love that.
A
Yeah, yeah. It's like clearly flag yourself as a whimsical homosexual so that they know that they could take you in a fight if they feel like it.
B
What if.
A
And then they open the Door. Massive bear.
B
Yes.
A
They weren't thinking that because of their homophobic things. And then they get chokeholded.
B
What if Billy from Bears Are Us walks in while I'm placing the sticker.
A
I feel like this is now fan fiction.
B
You saw where I spat that gum, didn't you? What else would you like?
A
Hollander, spit the gum in my mouth.
B
Sorry, sorry. You need to stop with that Russian accent. It's too good.
A
God, you fucking asshole.
B
Oh, wow. I can picture it now.
A
That's all the dialogue. You've seen the whole series now, if you haven't seen it.
B
If you want to see us watching the series, Patreon, we're watching Heat Dryer.
A
Speaking of the climax, the emotional climax of the show. Get on there.
C
Ooh.
A
Apparently, it's going to devastate us.
B
Apparently, episode five and six were going to be in our feelings. Was that what they were saying?
A
Oh, which feelings?
B
I don't know. Arousal Horny or sad? Or both?
A
Motion sick?
B
Both.
A
That's when you've had a good time, when you can't decide what's happening anymore. We live in a perpetual state of.
B
Stress because you get abandoned in lift.
A
Shafts in the NetherRealm of your mind. Yes. No. This reminds me. Last episode on the Pod, I accepted that I'm a clumsy bitch, even though I don't identify as one.
B
So clumsy.
A
Yep. Not necessary. I think, also, I identify as someone who is organized and punctual. I'm neat. Yeah.
B
Yes.
A
But for some reason, when it comes to, like, getting dressed and leave the house, there's a lot of dilly dallying.
B
You are a bigger dilly dallyer than I dally.
A
Shut the hell up right now. Boxing match.
B
Let's be real.
A
Let's be real. Phil. Who out of us is more responsible for making the journey late?
B
Me.
A
You.
B
But last time it was you.
A
This is what happens, Phil. It'll be 20 minutes before he'll have to leave, and then he'll come up to me and he'll go, you need to get ready. And I'll be sat there playing Mario Kart or something, and I'll be like, I'm actually fine.
B
I don't say it like that.
A
And you'll be. For some reason, you will be dressed. You'll have your shoes on. You'll have your contact lenses in. You will be ready to go. I'll be in my pajamas. But I will have perfectly timed the 10 minutes that I need to assemble that outfit and get out the door. But here's the thing before you do the news, Phil, when the time to leave happens, I will be there, shoed on, fleeced up. And then for some reason, you'll be having an epic flap about something. You'll be like, oh, my left contact lens fell out. Help me. Oh, I'm blind in one eye.
B
I can't help what's happened to my eyes.
A
Dan, how are you not in control of the things that are in your eyeballs?
B
Sometimes a dust goes in at the last second. Anyway, we're gonna make a collective finger pact.
A
Touc tell me what the pact is before I touch it.
B
Touch it. No, we're gonna make a collective finger pact because we're both as bad as each other. I'll go as far as saying that we're gonna be 15 minutes early for everything from now on because we were going somewhere and we had to get there at 3 and it was 2:59 and I was sweating.
A
Me and Phil are never late, but we are always stressed exactly on time and disgustingly stressed all the time. We will arrive one minute early, sweating, heaving, panicking, swearing at each other. We're not friends. No, we've fallen out. We're not gonna talk for a week. Exactly. Just thinking about it.
B
I breathed in some of my fleece.
A
Did you do what I do, which is. You don't know how to drink?
B
No, I know how to drink.
A
I don't know how to drink, Dan.
B
Can't swallow.
A
I drink water really fast. I'm like, oh, God. Drinking water. The utility of hydration. I don't have time for this.
B
You do it down the wrong hole.
A
I'm gonna slam this water and then I just inhale it. And I would say that happens 75% of the time. I try to sip.
B
I do worry that you're dying half the time. You have a glass of a drink.
A
Yeah, it could happen. That's how I'm gonna go out. And that's not gonna be cool. Nobody talk about it. We have to come up with the elaborate lie of how I died.
B
Do you know how we're not gonna go out? Mold.
A
Absolutely.
B
Because you'll be aware there was a recent flood in the Faust.
A
And look, one thing that Dan and Phil do not think fuck about with is germs, grime disease, or in this case, mold mould.
B
So there's no visible mold, but there.
A
Was a chance that mold could have been cultivated in a crack. So we sort out a preventative measure. Because I ain't getting J.K. rowling.
B
No, no.
A
The queers listening they rely on me. I'm not gonna get huffing on that black stuff and start tweeting crazy, okay? The world can't take that from Dan Howard.
B
I feel like the mold was a contributor. I feel like it was a contributor. But she might have been thinking those.
A
Things like R Jr. S brainworm.
B
Okay. Anyway, tweet it. The insurance tweet something fucking crazy about Nazis. Stop it.
D
Okay?
B
The insurance people were like, allegedly. Allegedly. The insurance people were like, hey, Dan and Phil, do you want this preventative mold treatment where we release a mold killing gas cloud into every room of your house?
A
The word they used and this really excited us was acid bomb. How fucking cool is that? Yeah, this is how it works. We pressurize your house, we find the crack in the wall where damp may be cultivating, and we release a cloud of acid into it that will instantly kill any bacteria. And we said, okay, well, for our own quite health anxious state of mind. We really don't want to get black molded. How effective is this? The guy went 100%.
B
100%.
A
100%. 100%.
B
100%.
A
100.
B
Yeah.
A
But he really said 100%. I like those odds.
B
So we had to leave the house for an entire day, which is tough for Dan and Phil, like, to not be here.
A
That was fucking scary.
B
It was scary. And they released the gas cloud. And they said, by the way, when you get back, there'll be a very fresh smell in your house. Yeah.
A
The natural compound, the acid breaks down into something that is kind of, you know, like probiotic.
B
Yeah.
A
What does it mean? He said that you may smell a bit of vinegar, but some people like.
B
It, some people love it.
A
Bitch, our house reeks. It stank of vinegar like fish and chip shop explosion.
B
It smelled like a fish and chip shop, but worse. And the thing is, because of this, at the kombucha plant, pressurized gas goes in every crack and hole in your house. Every single crack, it's gone in the wardrobe. All my clothes stink of vinegar now. I'm like the vinegar boy.
A
And the man did say, after four days, it should naturally kind of like decompose and evaporate and not exist anymore.
B
It stops now.
A
Who would like that? Some people like it.
B
Yeah.
A
Perverts and freaks.
B
We had some chips and I kind of wanted to rub them on myself and then eat them afterwards, see if I got the vinegar taste because we ran out of sarcens.
A
I'm so scared of you. What is the chip shop?
B
Vinegar, Though it's not actually vinegar, it's actually an Acid compound.
A
Exactly, Phil.
B
Yeah. And it tastes better if you get.
A
Fish and chips, which the American mind cannot comprehend. The name of cuisine being two beige items on a plate.
B
Can I just say, I get a lot of tiktokers. Oh, we've got it on the screen. It is a non brewed condiment made from water.
A
And don't you fucking love when something is not allowed to be called the thing that it claims it's not vinegar. It is a non brewed condiment.
B
When I get tiktoks of people visiting London, they're like, I've got to try the fish and chips. They always go to a pub, which I feel like is a mistake. You need to go to a chipping a chipper. That's where you get the non brewed condiment.
A
And we are heavy on the vinegar.
B
And if they say, do you want me to salt and vinegar it? Say yes, yes.
A
And then you have to say, absolutely. Extra vinegar.
B
More.
A
That's what we say. Soak it up more. And that exact smell is what we smelled like for two days. We did, but fresh.
B
Mind if your bag isn't dripping, you're not chipping.
A
Oh, my God. Okay. That's the most articulate thing you've ever.
B
Said when we open our fish and chips shop. That's what it's gonna say on the.
A
Back when we open Dan and Phil's. Flip floppin chips. Yeah.
B
Flip floppin chips.
A
Yeah.
B
That was less chips.
A
Fish and chips. There you go.
B
Can't wait for that.
A
I thought about it. No, I don't think we should open a retail business. Why you working in customer service? Do you think you could take an order? Do you think you could use a till?
B
I'm a great customer service person.
A
How was your time at WHSMITH using the till? Now that we've outed where we used.
B
To work, it was very confusing. There was about 9,000 options that I had to press.
A
Phil, there's just 10 numbers. There was just zero.
B
No, there wasn't. This had loads of different combinations. And I had to know what every single brand of cigarette was. And people would be like, I want a rizzler and cigarette.
A
I want the marble red, blah blah, silk, cotton, bard.
B
I didn't know what the hell any of those were because I'm not a smoker. Also, people tried to scam me all the time because they'd give me a 20 pound note, I'd put it in the till and be like, I gave you a fiverr. And I feel call the police.
A
Do you Know what they said at Focus?
B
What?
A
Where I got fired from selling knacks to a child. What if someone tries to scam you for anything less than £20? Just let them get away with it? Yeah, just say it's not worth getting punched. It's not worth the paperwork. We don't give a shit. And so I was like, well, life hack friends, can you all come in and just repeatedly say that I'm a stupid bitch and you tricked me into giving you £5?
B
The best thing. There was a guy that came to get cigarettes every weekday.
A
Is he alive?
B
He was so hot. He was the most beautiful guy you've ever seen.
A
Was it Hudson Williams?
B
Like, on a level?
A
Big things for lung cancer, those guys.
B
He would pay with money and every time.
A
Oh, no shit. Yeah. I'll bend over this till if you give me my silk cuts. What was he saying?
B
He'd put the fiver in my hand and then he'd stroke my finger on the way out. Like a press, stroke, press and stroke.
A
Oh, God, you're gay and desperate. Because that's not appropriate for it.
B
I know. I liked it. We had, like, tension, but we never acted on it.
A
It's okay if you did. Are you just lying to me on the pod?
B
He was out of my league. He was a 14 out of 10.
A
When you say that he's out of your league as a 14 out of 10, you are roasting me.
B
I mean, you're also a 14 out of 10.
A
It's too fucking late. It is way too late. That was way too slow.
B
I'm sorry.
A
You said it.
B
I'm sorry.
A
You can't take it back.
B
The most mortifying thing was because I had long black hair. Some people were just in their own zone. They'd go, oh, thanks, love. And then they realized I was a man.
A
Yeah, thanks, love.
B
Thanks, love.
A
And didn't you have like, a pre puberty answering the phone for your dad thing where they'd be like, oh, hi, Mrs. Lester. And you go, no, it's Phil.
B
Yes. Yeah, that was also a thing. But you know what else is a thing? Here's the thing. Hot damn, look at that hog. I'm not hog tog back on Hogtok. Punxsutawney. Phil, the ground hog. Oh, thank God.
E
Yep.
B
Has seen his shadow. And we're gonna get another six weeks.
A
Of winter, for fuck's sake. What the hell?
B
What's he doing?
A
Some bullshit.
B
Can they just face his eyes on the shadow? Like, look at him.
A
Spin him around. Hello, people. I did see that since 1887 they've only had a 39% accuracy.
B
Believe in the hog, Dan?
A
Well, firstly, the hog is objectively more shit than it ain't. That's what you look like. Aw, that's why you resonate with it.
B
I wanna look like that.
A
Punks are tawny.
B
Hmm. I am Phil. A fellow Phil. We believe in Phil predicting the weather. He just doesn't like humans. So he's like fuck you, I'm not gon what it is.
A
And honestly, I relate to that.
B
Lizard in a blizzard. Yeah, sorry, I made myself laugh. A cold Temu lizard.
A
Well not. I think it's Tegu. Oh, a Tegu, Not a Teemu lizard.
B
A lizard from Temu.
A
Well no wonder it's cold. It's been in a fucking crate for 12 and a half weeks because you tried to save two pound fifty.
B
Where was it found?
A
On the floor?
B
Yes, on the floor. In America, in Rhode Island. And this kind of reptile is not meant to be in the snow.
A
Cold blooded, but it doesn't want to be there.
B
Kicked a terrible time to escape. Anyway, it has been defrosted and it lives.
A
It was rescued by a local reptile center that said they'd look after it. Bitch, they lost it.
B
What do you mean? Do you think the original.
A
Oh, oh yeah, sorry. We're experts in looking after reptiles. We'll pick it up.
B
Aren't we good, Dan? Americans love suing people. You can't say that.
A
Sue me. In the state of London.
B
Whoa, short king discrimination.
A
Oh my God.
B
A London nightclub is only allowing men over six feet tall for a special tall night.
A
I honestly think this is fucked up. When you're doing a club night, you're basically just doing something for the meme. If you say we're doing a Timothee Chalamet lookalike contest, you're gonna get 100 people buying tickets just cause they saw something funny on TikTok. So yeah, that club promoter, you know what? They came up with something stupid. They said something and now everyone's going as it's a joke. This is mean.
B
It was called the land of the Giants. It was on January 31st, but they're gonna do another one because it was so popular in March. Down we can go. We're tall.
A
Oh yeah. Thank God.
B
I feel like they should do a show. You're not being discriminated like under five foot five. Knight.
A
Five foot five?
B
Yeah.
A
Wow. Okay. Talk cruise. And like some Nicki Minaj.
B
I've never found different heights more or less attractive. Like I'd fancy a four foot nine guy.
A
Okay.
B
I mean, it just doesn't bother me. It's not something that. If I had a Tinder that I'd be like, oh, they've got to be over this height.
A
They'd expect uppies, Phil. And I just don't think you're physically capable of doing that. You'd go like this. Oh, my back. And then they go, bend with your knees and you go, I don't know how.
B
Are you speaking from experience?
A
What the fuck does that even mean?
B
I don't know what an uppy is.
A
Oh, well, this is the horrible thing that happens when you have two equally sized homosexuals.
B
Yeah.
A
God, God, why you blessed us with all this length. Oh, God. But for real. Funny. But I don't like the joke.
B
What joke?
A
About short people. Yeah. Girls don't need tall guys.
B
All heights are valid in my house.
A
And that's an open invitation. All right. What a week.
B
You entered someone else's house in the form of a group chat. I saw that on Twitter yesterday. What were you doing in a fan group chat? Look what happened.
A
I did something freaky.
B
Yeah.
A
I went on Instagram.com website.
E
Oof.
A
You might be thinking, what the fuck even is that?
B
I didn't even know there was a website.
A
I wanted to for a video edit to find an old photo I was editing on my computer. So I went to instagram.com danielhowell to look through and they've added a new thing where if you go to Instagram web, your DMs just pop up in the corner. And I was like, what is that? What is that? But the thing is, I saw them coming in live and this is a fun thing, as I'm sure most of you know. Lots of people think it's funny to add random celebrities and whatever to your friend group chats. Like, oh, here we are. And Timothee Chalamet. Now just in the group chat, don't. Because he's not going to. He's never gonna see. It's just funny. Yeah. The problem is any one of us could literally. We can see the messages coming in in real time.
B
We can literally see it.
A
Like, I don't wanna see that.
B
Timmy's reading your messages, though.
A
I don't think he is.
B
So what happened with you?
A
I don't want to. Well, I was like, I don't wanna see these people's conversations. So I'm gonna try to click the X. But when I clicked the X, I fully just joined someone's group chat and it Just went. Daniel Howell has entered the chat in the middle of an active conversation. And everyone was like, what the fuck? Hi, Dan. So I just said, why am I here? I think I said something weird like, release my spirit.
B
I like that.
A
Yeah. Cause it felt, like, haunting. It felt like they summoned me in some kind of evil ritual, and I wanted to be free of this mortal coil. That was their group chat.
B
Wow.
A
So I hastily dipped, and now everyone's like, why did he do that? Is he just lurking in our conversations? I don't want to see that shit.
B
Literally. Don't add us. I would never read them, but I could just open it now and have a look.
A
That is fucking. Don't do that.
B
I'm gonna see.
A
I don't need you to join the Demon Yaoi group chat.
B
I want to see what they're talking about. What chat? I'm in. Oh, the Sticky gays have sent me a photo. What's going on there?
A
They sent you a photo?
B
Yeah, they're just sending me some memes.
A
But again, I think these people are living in peace. Just send you an invite for the meme. I don't think they ever want you or expect you. They never think the messages.
B
No, the sharing trash is speaking about JoJo Siwa today.
A
Oh, that's nice.
B
I'm also in the hectic panties. Why are they who are saying, did you know that your earlobes are the same distance apart as your nipples?
A
Wow, Phil, you found your people there chatting about absolute fucking nonsense. Right?
B
I'm not going back in there ever again.
A
That's the best that could have gone, to be honest.
B
Yeah. So there you go. Stop it or I'll snoop again.
A
That's honestly not as bad as that spam email that you were reading out earlier. I don't know who signed you up to that, like, MILF dating thing.
B
I swear. Why do spammers email in such a stupid way? Like, surely if you want someone to open your spam email, you try to be more normal.
A
No, this is obviously what they think the average, like, boomer guy is, because I was looking at my own spam text.
B
What's in your spam? Read it in a sexy voice.
A
This is how they're trying to entrap your uncle.
B
Okay, imagine you're the sexy spammer Dream singles.
A
A Valentine's gift. She'll actually feel.
B
Oh, that's a bit of a burn, right?
A
Hi, Samuel. Hi, Samuel. Tiny penis worm that. Wait, Phil, there's a poem. Hi, Samuel. Flowers fade, messages get buried. A valentine gift makes her feel remembered.
B
How does he get a bigger sex toy?
A
That's what they're saying.
B
Oh, right. The penis ain't good enough.
A
Samuel Valentine's gift. Tesco's extra special cucumber.
B
Sure. What have I got? Spam.
A
This is dangerous, Phil. Please don't click on any links.
B
I'm gonna click.
A
I'm down my site today.
B
No, I can't read this one. This is the first one I've got.
A
Why, what does it say?
B
Well, it's from wet pussy. I can barely contain myself. I want to get naked and duck on your cock. Duck, duck, duck, duck.
A
Oh, wow. I haven't seen that maneuver.
B
No, like pop a squat. Duck, duck for cover.
A
But that's like. Ah, that's. That's an advanced movement.
B
Yeah, yeah.
A
You gotta be careful. You're getting into snappy Reverse Coca. Oh, wait, I've got one here.
B
Okay.
A
Oh, no. There's a lot of emojis. Peach emoji, 18 emoji, fire emoji. Let's meet and fuck. Wanna feel you inside me tonight. Bikinis spurt.
B
Bikini spurt.
A
That's just an aggressive amount of emojis.
B
But no one's gonna write like that.
A
Nah, that's too whimsical. You're not gonna catfish anyone's uncle with that many emojis.
B
Ooh, I've got quite a friendly one. Good day, Phil Lester. I forgot my name. That's a bit weird. Good day, Phil Lester.
A
This is someone, you know talking to you about a real thing, Phil.
B
Would you like to meet me in capital letters? I'm free tonight. This might be a little out of left field, but I really like rough sex in the morning. It started off so polite.
A
Yeah, it is. Bit of a whiplash there, buddy.
B
Good day, Phil Lester.
A
Good evening. What thou's like to spread these cheeks here like yo. Reading my emails in the morning. Okay. Was that sent by the WH Smith guy?
B
Yes.
A
He knows your name.
B
Oh, my God.
A
He knows where you live.
B
Gave me those cigarettes.
A
Richard.
B
Richard.
A
Help. No more spam emails. Oh, my God. We needed your last.
B
Hello.
A
Yep. Give that lad a crank, Phil.
B
You do it.
A
It's always me who do it.
B
Crank. It's gonna be a good one today.
A
Is it gonna be still this red ball? Here we go.
B
Oh, it's on the floor.
A
Sorry, lass. Off you go.
B
I can feel it in my water. This is gonna be good.
A
What water?
B
Crack it. Oh, soundless.
A
The concept of celebrities. Oh, are we celebrities?
B
I feel like we are online celebrities.
A
What does that mean?
B
I don't know.
A
2026 online is more real than real life.
B
I think there's like different tiers of celebrity and I feel like in this new world we should reserve the word celebrity for a list. Superstars. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga, Zendaya, Tom Holland.
A
I disagree. I think lots of people can be famous. I think a celebrity is someone that is like professionally famous. Do you know what I mean?
B
Yeah.
A
People that go on celeb shows, they've got like 13,000 Twitter followers, but they're on all the celebrity TV shows.
B
That's more UK situation. I think celeb.
A
I mean, at this point, if you've been on any TV show, you can then go on any other show as a celeb because it just means I've seen your face before once. So you were on the weakest link, Phil. You could have immediately gone on. I'm a celeb. Dancing on ice.
B
I know. I don't like any of that, though.
A
I do not want to see you on ice skates.
B
I don't want.
A
That would terrify me.
B
I'm happy with my level of fame because I don't want to.
A
Are we. We made a whole hour long video about how it was a bit much.
B
No. Okay. It's a bit much.
A
What you're saying is you don't want to court that kind of like tv, I'm appearing as a guest on everything.
B
No, because I think it's a slippery slope. Because then you. Tabloid fodder for slimy people that just want to tear you down.
A
What the fuck can hello magazine say about Dan and Phil that someone watching this didn't do when they were 12?
B
They can't.
A
Exactly.
B
I don't need to be perceived by a load of people that don't care about your life.
A
Do I feel that need? Wow, Phil, most people have more of an ego than that. Well done for you.
B
Okay. I don't need Brenda and Asda to be like, oh, my God, it's you. I'd rather.
A
I don't know what's wrong with Asda. I worked at asda.
B
People that enjoy my content know who I am.
A
Rather than, oh, you want an audience of people that like you for you. Not just like randoms. Everybody. Anybody.
B
Yeah. They don't really make Julia Roberts anymore, though. I feel like there's like Sydney Sweeney. Nah. A plus Celebrities. Rare. They're rare.
A
Beyonce.
B
Beyonce, Julia Roberts, Lady Gaga. I feel like they were the final breed of that kind of celebrity.
A
And the moment Phil Lester and Dan Howell came along, slurry trough.
B
What have you got finger there?
A
Oh, I've made myself a ring out of of the Richard ball question.
B
An engagement ring.
A
Dan's freudianly fishing for that proposal.
B
No, put it on the floor.
A
That was weird. People are gonna run with that.
B
Yeah. Gross. My favorite celebrity, Sarah Michelle Gellar. Second favorite celebrity is Lady Gaga. Third favorite celebrity is you.
A
Your second favorite celebrity is Lady Gaga.
B
I've just been on a bit of a Gaga kick recently.
A
She's a fun celebrity.
B
She's so fun.
A
She gives you a lot.
B
Like, she gives me so much. And she loves the games.
A
She goes to eyeball and the gaze.
B
Eyeball and gaze.
A
Yeah.
B
Her Grammy's performance made me happy inside.
A
Wow. Well, there we go. Phil's tier list of relevant celebrities. Thank you for coming to the fed talk.
B
We need some hard launches from you guys because our inbox is getting a bit dusty. It needs some lubrication by your voices. Emailing hardlaunchpodcastmail.com that is the first time.
A
You'Ve said that correctly.
B
Thank you.
A
Wow.
B
With your hard launch hot, what do you want to release into the universe?
A
Let's have our first caller.
F
Hi, Dan.
C
Hi, Phil. I'm Bercy from Mexico. And what I'm heart launching today is that I think it should be okay to get back together with your ex as many times as you want, as long as you're a lesbian. Straight couples get one chance. Gay couples get three chances, which I think is a good number.
B
Sure.
C
But lesbians can have as many as they want.
B
Lesbians get as many as they want. There's no explanation there.
A
I love that there was no rationale whatsoever. Just assertiveness.
B
You know what, lesbians, based on that, you can have it.
A
That's how you get what you want, people. That's how you get your sloppy fourths.
B
I think some people are just messy and they break up and get back together every week. So it's kind of like it's up to the couple really, innit?
A
But it's less embarrassing if it's woolawa. Sure.
B
Yeah.
A
Next.
G
Yo, what's good, danaphil. My name is Stacey. I am from New Jersey, usa and I'm hard launching that it is okay to have a slight celebrity crush while in a relationship. Now, obviously there are some boundaries to this. Like, don't make it extremely uncomfortable for your partner and like, don't like, compare celebrity crush to your partner. However, there should be no reason why I have to be sitting in the movie theater holding my tongue while I'm watching Gladiator 2 with my significant other. Like, that's not fair.
B
And then I have.
G
And then I have to pretend that that's not hard.
A
That is so real.
B
I feel like people in a relationship, and they don't allow this, are feeling a bit insecure.
A
It's like, 100%.
B
I'm not gonna run away with Paul Mezcal.
A
Like, you're literally not gonna meet Pedro Pascal.
B
No.
A
At the bodega. Like, it's just not gonna happen.
B
But if I did, you'd be like, go for it, mate. Well, you would, right?
A
Feels like you would, right?
B
You would, right?
A
Like, when I meet Paul Mezcal, you would, right, Dan, Just to confirm. Yes.
B
I don't think he likes the boys, but Jonathan Bailey, hall pass.
A
It's not hallway. It's a fucking stadium. Okay, sure.
B
Doors unlocked for Jonathan at all times. Both of us. We've given the keys.
A
There is no door.
B
No.
A
You know, Phil, if we wanted to make this a celebrity guest podcast, we could have Paul Mezcal here tomorrow.
B
Are you saying you want to make it a celebrity guest pass?
A
No, I'm just saying that it's weird when people that have access to these people are then saying, open door, Jonathan. Then it just feels like more of a. Not just open relationship. Like a gaping invitation.
B
Yeah. I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure there. When someone's gonna say, play the clip. And Jonathan's gonna be sat there like, get me out of here.
A
Is this gonna be a nightmare of you on the Graham Norton Show? Then you're not gonna speak to me for a week? All right, next.
F
Hi, guys.
H
It's Poppy from Sydney, Australia.
B
Good eye.
H
And I would like to hard launch a Stop Marcher campaign.
A
Marcher.
H
Don't get me wrong. I love a marcher, but it's like. Like you're so performative. Like, what do you mean? I'm just gonna go and get my strawberry matcha. Why are we adding strawberries to matcha? I'm gonna add some honey. I'm gonna add some lavender foam. What is lavender foam?
A
Matcha has made the bullshit flavor competition get taken to a whole new level.
B
I think if you add any flavor to it, it just tastes like a milkshake.
A
You identify as a classy bitch who wants to drink that Japanese green tea, which totally tastes of grass. If you are filling it with strawberry, you don. You want the pink drink. Don't lie to yourself. You would love to think you're a Matcha girly, but you can't stomach it. Because like, Phil, you're not a cow with four stomachs. And it tastes like grass.
B
It tastes like grass clippings and it smells like grass clippings.
A
Let the people that are bitter on the inside and the outside that like the nasty drinks like raw plain matcha as it is. If you need a lavender foam. Lavender. Fuck off.
B
Oh, I'm Dan. I can stomach the grass clippings and I love it. I want the mushroom juice in my mouth.
A
Phil, don't order the strawberry matcha. Just get a strawberry Ribena carton.
B
Let people have whimsy and just enjoy the green and purple and blue drink fight.
A
Right, okay. No, I need one more. Let's plum the depths. Who else is there?
B
What are you doing? He's lifted his microphone off the floor.
F
Hi, Dan and Phil. My name is Sydney from Atlanta, Georgia and I want to hard launch the fact that even though I've been vegetarian for seven years, whenever someone buys a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store I work at, I love to like sniff it. Like, I love the smell of roasted chicken.
B
Just give it a sniff.
A
Okay, sorry, I need to just clarify. Do you passively sniff it? Like you allow yourself to enjoy the aroma as it passes or. Oh, someone's buying that. Let me just. Oh, yeah, that's that good shit.
B
But I can't shove your nose.
A
Oh, my God, you naughty little minstrel. Yeah, like there's two versions of what's going on there. One's weirder, but I get it.
B
Shove your nose in that chicken.
A
Also, is there any chicken in chicken crisps? What is that?
B
I think you can have a chicken.
A
Crisp in the way that chip shop vinegar is not real vinegar. What is the crisp unfermented meat, Potato flavor.
B
I'm not judging you for giving it a sniff. Also, do you notice people say I could be vegan, but I want to eat cheese. Just be a vegan and eat cheese. Like that's fine.
A
Absolutely.
B
Why not do that?
A
Why don't you just eat cheese? That'll make my life easier.
B
Well, I'm the opposite. I like everything except the cheese and.
A
The open mindedness ended there.
B
Boom.
A
Well, thank you. That made me feel better. I like an opportunity to get angry because you and me labeled me. So that was fun. And remember, if you need to get something off your chest hard launchpodcastmail.com Send.
B
In your voices and we will listen to them.
A
Yes, that's how that works.
B
That's how the feature works.
A
How have you been enjoying your fleece, Phil?
B
I'm very Hot. It's more of an outdoor fleece.
A
Confidence. Yes.
B
Yeah. I love the color of the buttons. I feel cloudy. I feel whimsical. Clowny, cloudy. And this is filled with my secret.
A
Things, ibuprofen and eye drops.
B
Wouldn't you like to know?
A
You've probably got eye drops on your person right now. I was fucking joking.
B
I've got my eye drops ready to go at all times. I've got dry eyes. I'm going to a dry eye clinic tomorrow.
A
You don't have to lie to me.
B
No, I am.
A
It's okay. If you've got chlamydia, you need to tell me. You just need to say, look, I did an interview with Paul Mezcal, and now Daniel needs to come, too. Oh, my God. It's fine.
B
Our whole pass list is long. All right. No, no. They're gonna play some sad films and I'm gonna cry for them on demand, and they're gonna film it with a camera.
A
Oh, my God. Are they just gonna play one of those TikToks where someone's like, I'm saving a dog. And it's definitely someone that had their own pet dog and dropped them down a well just for the TikTok?
B
Yes. That's what they're gonna make me watch anyway, 100%. If you wanna hear more about my crusty eyes, you can come to Patreon, where we're gonna continue this party, this fleece party, as it was today. If not, that's fine. I've had a lovely time with you all. Thanks for lending me your ears and your eyes for the last well.
A
Fresh heart, hard start to the week.
B
Thanks.
A
Bye.
B
Bye.
E
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A
The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't.
D
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A
What do I do? My refund, though. I'm freaking out.
B
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F
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Episode Title: So Dan accidentally joined a fan group chat
Release Date: February 9, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Main Theme:
A chaotic, candid deep-dive into recent misadventures—ranging from accidental group-chat invasions to unwanted viral-level fame—and a playful, oversharing dissection of internet culture, relationships, and celebrity, all filtered through Dan and Phil’s trademark banter.
This episode of HARD LAUNCH blends Dan and Phil’s signature comedy with vulnerable real talk, as they recount mishaps (including Dan’s accidental entrance into a fan group chat), revisit their failed Four Seasons meme campaign, share horror stories from customer service jobs, debate celebrity tiers, and answer listener “hard launches.” Expect rants about static electricity, vinegar-smelling houses, existential dread about punctuality, and surprise discussions about short king discrimination and the merits of matcha.
[19:46–22:16]
[28:48–34:06]
A series of short, unscripted listener confessions/statements:
Bercy from Mexico: Lesbians can get back together with their exes as many times as they want; straight couples get one chance, gays three.
Stacey from New Jersey: Asserts it’s healthy to have a slight celebrity crush while in a relationship, as long as you don’t compare or make your partner uncomfortable.
Poppy from Sydney: Anti-“matcha girlie” rant; stop pretending you like matcha if you’re drowning it in strawberry and lavender foam.
Sydney from Atlanta: Vegetarian who loves sniffing rotisserie chicken at work.
Delivering their classic punchy, rambling, oversharing style, Dan and Phil transition seamlessly from absurd anecdotes (flood-induced “vinegar house,” phishing spam erotica), to playful self-deprecation about their place in celebrity hierarchy, to genuinely relatable moments about anxiety, lateness, and boundaries with fame. The episode balances levity with candor, and whether dissecting the ethics of joining random DMs or arguing the realness of matcha, Dan and Phil remain unapologetically themselves.
For fans or newcomers, the episode serves as both a comfortingly chaotic ride and a wry commentary on internet life, relationships, and the randomness of modern culture.