The Colonic Irrigation Incident

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: The Colonic Irrigation Incident

Release Date: June 22, 2026
Hosts: Dan and Phil

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Episode Overview

In this chaotically candid episode of HARD LAUNCH, Dan and Phil deliver another hour of unfiltered stories, embarrassing confessions, and wild listener submissions. Living true to the podcast’s “unhinged and unafraid” motto, they recount a traumatic bug encounter, Dan’s disastrous birthday (and accidental spa day from hell), debate awkward social interactions, and share their (strong) views on UK social media bans. The episode is a hilarious, queer-tinged roller coaster of oversharing, with the promised “colonic irrigation incident” taking center stage.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Great Bug Incident

[01:00 – 04:22]

• Dan and Phil recount a harrowing encounter with a mysterious multi-eyed bug in their house.
• Phil is tasked with capturing and releasing the bug—a task he completes, only for the bug to reappear on Dan’s chair.
• Dan’s panicked response results in him stripping down and running half-naked through the house.
• The ordeal concludes with Dan "butt naked, bleeding for no reason," and declaring himself too traumatized to work.

Memorable Quotes:

• Dan (02:19): “In my mind, you should go, oh, oh, stand up, stand up, stand up. The creature was on your chair. This is what Phil did. ‘Oh, Dan, don’t move. No, no, no. Do what? What? It’s the thing. It’s about to touch you.’”
• Phil (03:43): “Dan’s at the other side of the house. I walk in, he’s just butt naked, quivering in the corner, going ‘is it gone?’”

2. Greeting Etiquette and Social Anxiety

[04:44 – 06:23]

• Phil describes the anxiety spiral of repeatedly greeting a building receptionist while carrying things to and from the car.
• As the greetings get progressively more awkward, Phil resorts to using the fire exit to avoid further interaction.
• Dan asserts that initial greetings are fine, but after the second pass, it just becomes weird.

Memorable Quotes:

• Dan (05:06): “You go, hi, how are you doing the first time. The second time you walk past, you smile and nod... It’s much weirder to keep saying, ‘hi, how you doing?’”
• Phil (06:09): “Yes, because I didn’t want to say hello again.”

3. Lava Lamp Troubles & Vague Announcements

[06:30 – 08:13]

• The house lava lamp has “hibernated” (bulb stuck, possibly dead), with discussions of using “butter around the rim” for extraction.
• Teasing a new mysterious “purple” announcement, building suspense among fans.
• Hinting that all will be revealed in the next episode.

Memorable Quotes:

• Dan (07:35): “Hint: it’s purple. Oh, what a fucking bad tiny that was.”
• Phil (07:31): “I’ve been holding onto this secret for so long, I feel like my loins are about to explode.”

4. Dan’s Birthday: Food Poisoning & Colonic Prep

[11:01 – 16:13]

• Dan’s birthday is ruined by severe food poisoning (“don’t tap ass!”), leading into the main event: the colonic irrigation story.
• The “colonic incident” is the result of a misread spa voucher. Dan, too awkward to object, complies with the surprise procedure.
• Awkward details of being placed in stirrups and having the process explained by a “very nonchalant lady.”
• Dan feels “traumatized, not cleansed,” and takes away a life lesson on reading the fine print and asserting boundaries.

Memorable Quotes:

• Dan (13:45): “I didn’t read the fine print. And the print wasn’t fine. It was actually quite large.”
• Dan (14:08): “What can be said to unrelax you more than a surprise C word?”
• Dan (15:53): “I felt no fucking different whatsoever.”
• Phil (14:25): “So you awkwardly got your colon rinsed.”

5. Strange News & Listener Stories

[16:27 – 24:27]

• The saga of a giant King Kong prop on a woman’s house, forced to move to Mayfair.
• PC gaming “makes you bulletproof”: a Reddit story where a stick of RAM deflects a bullet accidentally discharged by a neighbor’s dog. (“My dog fired my gun.”)
• London’s annual naked bike ride makes headlines for riders renting public bikes—leading to musings about communal bum seating.
• Brief foray into whether Dan or Phil would participate (neither wants to risk viral exposure).

Memorable Quotes:

• Phil (17:37): “My dog fired my gun.”
• Dan (18:45): “Statistically, if you get on one of them [bikes], there’s like a 1 in 20 chance someone’s bare ass has been on the seat.”

6. On Social Media Bans & Teenage Internet Life

[21:10 – 25:42]

• They react to UK proposals to ban or restrict under-16s’ access to social media.
• Both argue that the Internet is a lifeline for queer teens and creative kids; total bans are counterproductive.
• Criticize possible face-scanning logins as Orwellian overreach.
• Dan: “If I didn’t have the Internet when I was a teenager… I don’t even know if I’d be here.” (24:23)

Memorable Quotes:

• Phil (23:22): “There are no third spaces, there’s no activities. Everyone’s just trapped in their houses.”
• Dan (25:42): “We are going to be living in a Black Mirror episode. Very soon.”

7. Random Chaos: Eye Tests, Fashion Crimes, and Listener Hard Launches

[26:09 – 33:03]

• Phil recounts a recent eye test and the awkward intimacy of optometrist routines.
• Listener stories include: a Jaegerbomb-fueled foursome, psych ward misidentification via merch, and a fan unlocking their iPad with their toes “in case of emergency.”
• Quirky banter on what scenarios would warrant toe-unlocking, ending with a listener recording their cat snoring “like turtles having sex.”
• Anticipation for a Patreon afterparty “Omegaverse quiz.”

Memorable Quotes:

• Phil (29:00): “And now I know that this whole thing is a bullshit ruse for Phil to get up close with the Blacklight.”
• Dan (31:03): “What do you mean? What do you mean? Maybe you’re sat on the toilet and want to, like, watch the iPad on the floor.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Dan, on the bug incident:
  “I whip my T shirt off. Kwapow stood there, titties out, and I just go. I don’t know what’s going on, but I need to—shorts off as well. Pants off, boxes out in the middle of the room.” (02:44)

• Phil, awkward social interaction:
  “Every time you walked past them, you said something, they got a bit quieter.” (05:37)

• Dan, food poisoning birthday:
  “I got food poisoning. How was my birthday? Shit. Literally.” (11:13)

• Dan, surprise spa procedure:
  “So I just let it happen. I walked into a room...It’s basically a dentist chair. It’s got stirrups like a gynecologist. There was a hose.” (14:25–14:34)

• Phil, on London’s naked bike ride:
  “I’m all about freeing the bum. But if you’re gonna do it, get your own bike. Just get a little, at the bare minimum, anti pipe cereal, anti piece of fabric, a little Dettol wipe.” (18:53)

• Dan, on social media bans:
  “You can’t just ban things and have no plan ready to go.” (23:13)

• Listener (USA):
  “We ended up finishing an entire bottle of Jaeger and having a foursome.” (29:27)

• Listener (Australia), on Dan and Phil merch in the psych ward:
  “I saw a girl wearing Dan and Phil merch, so I went up to her saying, ‘oh, I’m a fanny too.’ To which she looked horrified. No. And said, ‘the hospital gave me this.’” (30:03)

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Time-stamped Segment Guide

| Time | Segment Description | |--------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:01 | Bug Incident begins; Dan’s over-the-top reaction | | 02:19 | Dan critiques Phil’s bug removal technique | | 04:36 | Official welcome, transition into social etiquette | | 05:06 | Greeting etiquette with the receptionist debate | | 06:30 | Lava lamp crisis and teasing mysterious announcement | | 11:01 | Birthday disaster—segue to food poisoning and colonic story | | 13:45 | Colonic irrigation incident unfolds | | 16:27 | King Kong house prop and bullet-proof RAM news | | 18:08 | Naked bike ride in London; communal bike seat hygiene chat | | 21:10 | UK social media ban proposals & Internet as queer/creative lifeline | | 26:09 | Listener stories and quirky tales (Jaeger foursome, iPad with toes, etc) | | 32:00 | Listener’s snoring cat audio (turtles mating sound) | | 32:47 | Outro and afterparty Omegaverse quiz tease |

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Tone & Overall Feel

The episode epitomizes Dan and Phil’s signature style: hyper-self-aware, queer-centric, unfiltered storytelling. Their banter effortlessly pivots between absurd physical comedy, self-deprecating overshares, and slices of internet/queer millennial culture. The tone is irreverent, self-mocking, and gleefully explicit, creating a sense of community for listeners—and encouraging everyone to laugh at life’s weirdness, overshare, and accept their awkwardness.

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Takeaways

• Dan’s colonic ordeal offers a cautionary tale about reading fine print, asserting boundaries, and not letting social awkwardness push you into uncomfortable experiences.
• The bug story is classic comedy but also metaphorical for how support systems (or lack thereof) can affect our sense of safety.
• The episode closes on a reminder that in an increasingly surreal world, finding comfort in online communities—and not taking yourself too seriously—is vital.

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For listener submissions or to join their Patreon for the afterparty, visit the official HARD LAUNCH podcast channels.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

I haven't recovered from this morning.

[A]

You can't blame me for everything.

[C]

I was attacked. Phil let me down.

[A]

No, I was there to help you. You were just an unpredictable mess.

[C]

We need to talk about the creature.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

We're not gonna be too graphic because people have phobias. There was a beast in the house.

[A]

No, there was a beast that I've never seen before in England. In the corner of our room, there were legs.

[C]

There were eyes. It was large, many eyes. I refused to be in the same room as it.

[A]

And it was scuttling, I would say in and out of the corner. And Dan was like, I can't be in the room with it, Phil. You have to catch it and. And release it.

[C]

Phil is very good at putting a glass on something and putting a piece of card under the glass and then going out the window. So I said, you do that, please. I'm gonna stand away.

[A]

Yeah, I did it. I opened the window, caught the bug, released it out the window, and thus

[C]

I could live in peace and re enter the room.

[A]

Moments passed. We both sat on our office chairs,

[C]

relaxed, thinking, I'm safe.

[A]

Dan's in his Twinkie short shorts. This is important.

[C]

There was a lot of thigh on display.

[A]

There was lots of thigh that was warm in the corner of my eye. I see my Mr. Bug climbing on Dan's office chair right next to his ass.

[C]

It was approaching my vulnerable thigh of my baggy shorts, but it was so

[A]

close, I knew I couldn't really do anything about it.

[C]

Except this is when you want your friend to handle the situation correctly. Yeah, you've been demoted because of how you handle this.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Like, what should you say? In my mind, you should go, oh, oh. Stand up, stand up, stand up. The creature was on your chair. This is what Phil did. Oh, Dan, don't move. No, no, no. Do what? What? It's the thing. It's about to touch you. And at this point, I'm like, what are we doing? And Phil just goes, you're short. I stand up and I scream.

[A]

You were screaming.

[C]

And because I don't know where it is, I whip my T shirt off. Kwapow stood there, titties out, and I just go. I don't know what's going on, but I need to shorts off as well. Pants off, boxes out in the middle of the room. And I sprint. Now, granted, I don't know why I needed to cover so much distance.

[A]

That was a sight.

[C]

I went through about four different rooms.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

In my pants. And I was just stood there going.

[A]

I also screamed. I wasn't expecting him to freak out so much.

[C]

You weren't expecting me to freak out

[A]

after what you did? You were scaring me.

[C]

You made it so dramatic.

[A]

I'm just glad there's no builders in the house. They would have had a right show with you flailing around. They'd have called things swinging here and there. I didn't know where the bug had gone then. Cause I think you flung it across the room with your boxer shorts.

[C]

I was afraid it was still attached to my penis.

[A]

So I went ol Robert Irwin. I scoped out the beast. I could look like him.

[C]

Tamed it after a day in the gym. Released it once more.

[A]

I released it once more. I went searching for that.

[C]

Give it a strong talking to. Don't come back this time.

[A]

Dan's at the other side of the house. I walk in, he's just butt naked, quivering in the corner of the room, going, is it gone?

[C]

Phil walked into me, stood in the fucking back rooms, just like, is it.

[A]

Is it safe?

[C]

I cut my neck because I whipped my T shirt off so fast. I cut myself.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

So Phil walks in, I'm fucking butt ass naked, bleeding for no reason. I did it to myself for attention.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then I said to Phil, I actually can't do any work today because that upset me too much. So if you need me, I'm just gonna be upstairs playing the switch and crying. I'm over it now.

[A]

I feel like you need some help with this. I will never be over fear, though, Dan. And thankfully, I brought it right here for some immersion Therapy.

[C]

Why was I like, yeah, Phil's got it. Suckling his breast creature, right? You're fired. And I hate this. Worst day of my life. 3, 2.

[A]

I can't stop cringing. Oh, hello, by the way. Welcome to Hard Launch. I'm Phil. That's Dan. We are gay.

[C]

Happy Monday, people. The trauma doesn't stop here.

[A]

Basically, I was getting some stuff out of a car to come in and out of this building. And this is a building with a receptionist.

[C]

That's a crazy concept, Phil. Well explained.

[A]

I always say hi when. When I walk into a building, there's a receptionist there. Cause I'm a polite person.

[C]

Someone needs to.

[A]

Thing is, if you're coming in and out of a building seven times, do you say hi each time?

[C]

No. Let me step in here.

[A]

Right?

[C]

When you walk past a receptionist, you go, hi, how are you doing the first time? The second time you walk past them, you smile and nod. You go like this. If you do it a third, fourth time because you're carrying stuff in and out, you then stop. You don't need to. You've established the hello. No, no, no. It's not rude. It's in fact much weirder to. To keep saying, hi, how you doing?

[A]

Because I did different variations of hi. Each time I was like, hi. Hello. Howdy. Wait, how's it going?

[C]

Every time you walked past them, you

[A]

said something, they got a bit quieter.

[C]

And how many times did you come in and out?

[A]

Probably like 7 to 10.

[C]

And every time you said some type of hey, how are you?

[A]

There was lots of greetings. And then I started to think it was weird, but then I kept doing it. I devolved into a smile by number eight.

[C]

You came from a good place.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But this became something awfully antisocial. Phil, I'm sorry, you've done something to this person.

[A]

And when I was done, I made a joke out of it. I was like, that's the last time, I promise. Oh, my God. Cringe.

[C]

Wait, is that why when I arrived, you were like, can we go in via the fire exit?

[A]

Yes, because I didn't want to say hello again.

[C]

It was like Phil taking the stairs

[A]

when we need to move the facement because that's too awkward now I'm the hello guy or what? Be normal. Okay.

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

Fine.

[C]

All right. We have to move out. It was fun while it lasted.

[A]

Yeah, well, hi. Hello.

[C]

Yeah, we've done that. We're gay.

[A]

Howdy. We're gay.

[C]

Also, welcome to the episode the Lava Lamp's Dead.

[A]

The lava lamp is Hibernating. We don't know if it's fully dead.

[C]

The bulb popped, but it's stuck in its base.

[A]

We don't know how to get it out, people.

[C]

The base is too flared.

[A]

Uh oh.

[C]

And it's stuck. Never thought that'd happen. Would you? So we're gonna do a Yankee and then maybe next time it'll be fixed.

[A]

I thought we get some butter and rub it around the rim and then give it a little pull. All right.

[C]

We'll look forward to Danifil's buttery rimpool. And maybe the lava lamp will be working next week.

[A]

Did you see I am Peaceless? The vaguest of vague posts that we posted.

[C]

What the hell did Dan and Phil post on social media?

[A]

Something is coming. An announcement is brewing.

[B]

Ugh.

[A]

Come.

[C]

A lot of people signed up to fan mission control and will probably un come because you said that.

[A]

What? No, but please.

[C]

I've got exciting news for everybody who is building up and teased.

[A]

When's it about to pop?

[C]

Tonight, after this episode has finished on YouTube.

[A]

I'm so excited.

[C]

We're gonna drop it.

[A]

I've been holding onto this secret for so long, I feel like my loins are about to explode.

[C]

Hint, it's purple. Oh, what a fucking bad tiny that was.

[A]

No, it's purple.

[C]

We should really not cross streams. What am I saying? Talk over each other.

[A]

Don't say that.

[C]

Hint, it's purple. Oh, my fucking God. You wanna see my loin? Hint, it's purple.

[A]

It's purple. Moving on from that. The color scheme of the thing is purple.

[C]

Yeah, they saw the website.

[A]

I like some memes saying it's either an embryo, a gaming controller, or Dan and Phil kissing.

[C]

The Fultra sound.

[A]

Yeah, well, it's all of the above.

[C]

We're adding a third. Yeah, just kidding. It's gonna be thousands.

[A]

We're adding thousands. What does that mean?

[C]

Well, we'll tell you all about it next episode. Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it, everyone?

[A]

Oh, I'm all tingly now.

[C]

You're still thinking about the bug?

[A]

No, because I'm thinking about the thing that's gonna happen.

[C]

Exciting tingles.

[A]

I'm so excited. It's purple slapping you actually slap these fucking shoes that everyone was wonder. Did you only buy Dan a bop it for his birthday? Tell them about the lovely gift, the thoughtful partner that I am.

[C]

Months ago, Phil said to me, dan, did you see Puma?

[A]

Puma, Puma, Puma, Puma, Puma, Puma.

[C]

It's the puma.

[A]

Don't start that again.

[C]

Pokemon are doing a collaboration with Puma on some shoes and they've picked a bunch of Pokemon and one of them was Mimikyu.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Who was one of my favorite favorite Pokemon.

[A]

And I was like, damn, this would be so cool for you. But they're all sold out and they're

[C]

from America and so we can't get them. And I was like, oh, that's okay. I guess just some things in the world aren't for us.

[A]

I was planting a seed of doubt because I'd already bought them for him.

[C]

And then on my birthday here, they're so fucking cool.

[A]

They are cool. They look like a Pokemon on your foot.

[C]

So if you don't know, Mimikyu is a ghost Pokemon that is creepy and unloved because it's an evil spirit. And it's sad thinking of how many people love Pikachu around the world. So it dressed itself up in rags and painted a Pikachu on its face to try and get people to love it. But then when you touch it, it falls over because it's a hollow ghost. It just wants to be loved.

[A]

And now you've got the ghost shoe.

[C]

Oh, I've got the sad potato sack ghost shoe.

[A]

It's so Dan.

[C]

And that's why today I've paired it with my potato sack sweater. I love them, Phil. Thank you, Phil. Yes, my favorite.

[A]

I got you a sentimental gift.

[C]

Talking about what I'm wearing. You're double deniming.

[A]

This is only mild double denim. It's probably still a fashion crime, but I don't care because I'm comfortable in my sexuality.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Bad tech. What I don't claim, actually.

[A]

What? You don't?

[C]

No, I don't claim that. Also, not all crimes are morally wrong. So commit fashion crimes.

[A]

I will commit to fashion crime and you will wear that potato sack and look interesting every time.

[C]

Shrek corps for sure.

[A]

So good, so good, so good.

[B]

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[A]

Plus, buy online and pick up at

[B]

your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage

[A]

motorcycle from a 50 page restoration block.

[C]

Or finally break down that long article

[A]

you've had Open for weeks, Gemini and

[C]

Chrome is here for it, ready to make anything online make sense. There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability.

[A]

Various 18. How was your birthday, Dan?

[C]

Loaded question. Really?

[A]

Well, I mean, people want to know.

[C]

I got food poisoning. How was my birthday? Shit.

[A]

Literally.

[C]

I think I had some dodgy tapas.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And moral of the story, don't tap ass.

[A]

It made your ass a tap.

[C]

If you're gonna.

[A]

I did it. I did it. I don't think it was the black cake I got you, though, because I was fine. I ate more of that than you did.

[C]

And you'd know, wouldn't you?

[A]

Yeah, you would know.

[C]

Venom came in one end, out the other. Didn't. For real. Worst birthday of my life.

[A]

It was terrible.

[C]

Worst 72 hours.

[A]

I felt so bad for you. I had to be a nurse, bring you Lucasade. You're like, don't even look at me. Don't think about me.

[C]

Phil was like, do you want me to just spend some time with you?

[A]

And I was going, no, leave me.

[C]

Leave me.

[A]

I just said, hello, and you said,

[C]

this is too odds. I literally fucking can't right now. I said, can you close the curtains, turn off the lights? And also, I've got a stream playing in the corner. I need you to close my laptop. I just.

[A]

Bad use of the word stream.

[C]

For two days, I just had to lock in with every fiber of my mental strength to just keep it together.

[A]

Well, I'm physically and emotionally well done.

[C]

I appreciate life. What can I say?

[A]

And speaking of your ass. On our livestream for the birthday, you promised you would tell the.

[C]

Oh, for God's sake.

[A]

The colonic irrigation.

[C]

Did I promise? How did we get on?

[A]

This colonic is happening. Y' all are completely fucked on the podcast.

[C]

It's over.

[A]

We might forget, so we need to remember this. Lock it in.

[B]

Bump, bump.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna forget.

[A]

Tell us about your colon.

[C]

I am so sorry. We did a poll on a livestream, And I think 80% of viewers said they did want me to tell the colonic irrigation story. Yes. I love this story. Democracy. None of you can fucking complain. Okay?

[A]

Right. Set the scene.

[C]

I didn't mean to. It was accidental.

[A]

You always get your. Sorry. No, no, don't.

[C]

You're not allowed to say that. I'm not allowed to say unlaunch. Okay.

[A]

Unlaunch.

[C]

The audacity of the hard launch has gone too far. Wind your neck in.

[A]

I'm gonna listen.

[C]

So someone got me a spa Voucher for Christmas.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And I saw this place and it was a big voucher. And I was like, okay, I could do more than one basic thing. This isn't just a 45 minute deep tissue massage.

[A]

It was a collection.

[C]

It was a sass and a facial or something. And then I noticed on their brochure, they just had a wellness cleanse package. And it said, it's gonna take two hours. You get a tea. Loads of shit happens. Foreboding. So I just. Look, I didn't read the fine print.

[B]

No.

[C]

And the print wasn't fine. It was actually quite large. But I just thought, package. It's almost the full amount of the voucher. Great idea. So I went in. You get a tea, you got a consultation, they give you some essential oils. I had a massage. And then someone said, all right, we're gonna go over here for the colonic.

[A]

That's not what you wanna hear after a massage.

[C]

What can be said to unrelax you more than a surprise C word?

[A]

A surprise colonic.

[C]

The moral of the story, Assert your needs. And if you don't want to do something, you don't have to go ahead with it.

[A]

You could have just said, I don't fancy getting my bum washed out, much

[C]

like you and the receptionist.

[B]

Phil.

[C]

I was too awkward to say anything, and so I just let it happen.

[A]

So you awkwardly got your colon rinsed.

[C]

I walked into a room, and if any of you don't know, it's basically a dentist chair.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's got stirrups like a gynecologist.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

There was a hose.

[A]

Oh, not the hose.

[C]

And a very nonchalant lady walked in. I sat in the chair. I put my feet up on the little stirrups.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I will be honest, I didn't entirely know how it happened.

[A]

I'd be interested to find out how it does happen.

[C]

Personally, no, I'm enjoying finding out from you, but. Exactly. I wish I knew.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She was like, all right, legs are up. I'm going to put it in now.

[A]

Did you at least lube it up first?

[C]

I'm not going to go into that.

[A]

Okay, all right, sure.

[C]

But she said, all right, love, just going to pop it in. And there. I sat down and they fill you up with water. And I was like, wow, you've turned this hose on how long? And she just went, til you can't anymore, babe. That's how it works. Really? Like, you'll go. And then you just say, stop. The more the better. Really?

[A]

Was it like when you go down a Water slide too fast and you feel it, like, shoot up there.

[C]

I've never quite had that sensation. Oh, right. I did feel like I've accidentally become Sonic the Hedgehog in one of those pictures that I've seen on Tumblr.

[A]

Oh, my God, inflation.

[C]

And then she said, do you want to look at the tube?

[A]

No. Who wants to look at the tube?

[C]

I guess some people are just really interested in how effective the process is.

[A]

Well, to see what's coming out.

[C]

I don't know. And I was just like, no, no. So it happened. And after she was like, you feel great now, don't you? And I felt traumatized.

[A]

Do you feel physically cleansed?

[C]

I felt no fucking different whatsoever.

[A]

Ah, but now you've had an experience you never would have before.

[C]

Exactly. And it's not just learning about health procedures. It's not just learning about asserting yourself. It's learning about reading websites and before you agree to things.

[A]

Yes. And not awkwardly agreeing to having water up your ass.

[C]

Thank you for spelling out. So, yeah, you asked, you fucked around and now you found out. Richard. Too early.

[A]

Too early for Richard. But you know what I do have for you? A thing. Yes.

[C]

Let's stop talking about me. What's happened in the world?

[A]

Phil, here's the thing. King Kong cancelled an important follow up. The lady in northern England with the giant gorilla hanging from her house was forced to remove her.

[C]

No, they said that I have to take it down. My friend took it down for me and it's moving to London. Mayfair.

[A]

Moving to London.

[C]

Moving to Mayfair.

[A]

We should do our next podcast next to the gorilla.

[C]

I will say people got invested in this globally.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And she said, I took it as far as I could until I couldn't anymore.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

And what a hill to die on. You know, some people, they spend their whole lives fighting for important causes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Feminism, gay rights, Greta stuff.

[A]

Gorillaz.

[C]

I want to have a big fucking gorilla hanging off the side of my house.

[A]

And I respect that.

[C]

Good for her.

[A]

PC gaming makes you bulletproof. Reddit user angelbabies posted a picture waking up to a glass explosion and a bullet hole in her wall.

[C]

Yes, a stick of RAM deflected the bullet and saved their life.

[A]

What bullet?

[C]

While their neighbor knocked on their front door crying and said, I'm so sorry, my dog fired my gun.

[A]

What? The dog tried to kill someone.

[C]

Girl, are we okay? Well, if we're believing that she had a loaded gun on a table and the dog knocked it off and then it just went bang and fired at the wall.

[A]

This Is why you don't have guns.

[C]

Hello. Okay.

[A]

Loose next to dogs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or gamers.

[C]

But you might be thinking, I don't own a house, but I own this PC. You made the right choice.

[A]

Yes. So forget bulletproof vests. They need bulletproof motherboards.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Ding dong with your ding dong.

[C]

No, no, Phil. Ding ding with your ding dong.

[A]

Ding ding with your ding dong. London's biggest ever naked bike ride has happened again for another year. Yeah. People are mad.

[C]

Are they, Phil? He just says shit sometimes. Well, look, I mean, the event is like a protest against car culture.

[A]

I see.

[C]

Oil dependency. It's a celebration of naturalism. But the difference is this year is people were renting the lime bikes.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

In the UK we got a lot of Santander. You got the Boris bikes.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

People like to scoot around in our woke city on these bikes that everybody uses to cycle to work.

[A]

So statistically, if you get on one of them, there's like a 1 in 20 chance someone's bare ass has been on the seat.

[C]

There were lots of photos of the events and there weren't a lot of towels. So people, they really had the communal bikes up the crack.

[A]

I'm all about freeing the bum. But if you're gonna do it, if you're gonna do it, get your own bike. Just get a little, at the bare

[C]

minimum, anti pipe cereal, anti piece of

[A]

fabric, a little Dettol wipe.

[C]

There's so many things that I don't think people did. Good luck.

[A]

Would you go on the naked bike ride as a protest against if you weren't like Dan from the Internet? Wow.

[C]

You're saying that if I wasn't famous, people wouldn't be interested in my naked body and take pictures and talk about me on Twitter? No. Like, wow. To go viral. Because look at this.

[A]

They wouldn't care. But would you do it if you're an anonymous citizen?

[C]

No.

[A]

The fuck I would.

[C]

Alright, tell me more about that. That was in a streak. Error.

[A]

I'm not in my streak. I just think it's a funny thing. Like, why not try it? How often can you.

[C]

Because it's cold.

[A]

How often can you.

[C]

Because it's hot. Because it's uncomfortable.

[A]

I just want to say I've cycled past Big Ben naked. You know what I mean? That'd be fun. All right.

[C]

Hey, I'm not yucking your dribble.

[A]

I'm not gonna do it though, because people know who I am.

[C]

Aww.

[A]

I'm in a cage of my own fame and it's these clothes can we

[C]

cancel Phil, so in five years he's allowed to do a naked bike ride and no one cares.

[A]

Let's all forget me.

[C]

What a time to be alive.

[A]

What a time to thrive.

[B]

We gather here tonight to bring women

[A]

back to their rightful place.

[B]

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[A]

people around you are monsters.

[B]

The battle isn't over. There comes a time when you have

[A]

to take action, when you have to choose your own destiny.

[C]

Never quite as it seems.

[B]

Watch the new Hulu original series, the Testaments, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers. Terms apply. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help you find the coverage that fits your needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go [e-mail] like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

[C]

What else is happening in the world?

[A]

World cup is happening.

[C]

That is a thing.

[A]

It started the football. I kind of wish I cared. Do you know what I mean? Because it's such a. Like the world is coming together for this big thing and I just don't.

[C]

We can tune into a penalty and then find it very stressful.

[A]

Yeah. Would you take a pill to make yourself like sport?

[C]

Yeah, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Just to understand, to get it.

[A]

I'm part of it now. But then that'd take up so much of your time because you'd be like, ah, I've gotta watch the match. I can't come to your house.

[C]

Don't want a dog, don't want a kid, don't want a hobby. Phil just needs time to do Phil things. Like what? Bask in your own aura.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Just your thoughts.

[A]

Strong. A lot of thoughts up there. Anything else about sports?

[C]

I think that's all we have to add on that. Okay.

[A]

Men in shorts.

[C]

There are.

[A]

I like that.

[C]

Yeah. But I feel like they're all homophobic, so. They're not all. There's a few gays out there.

[A]

They need to work on homophobia in football because then more footballers would come out. T. We have strong thoughts as well about the UK banning social media.

[C]

Oh, we're qualified to do that. What's our hobby? Being on the Internet.

[A]

I also don't have a 15 to 14 year old child. So I'm not like 15 to 14 year old.

[C]

It's bit of a Benjamin Button situation. Phil is so devolved from responsibility, he doesn't even know how raising works.

[A]

I feel like once you've got someone addicted to the social media, it's very unfair to take it away. So it should be like, if they're

[C]

gonna do smoking bang, you need to raise the new generation without it.

[A]

Do it like the smoking thing.

[C]

I understand that parents should parent and some people aren't being involved in what their kids are doing on the Internet.

[A]

No.

[C]

And that some social media can be bad. We've all seen stuff. I think that if you give Instagram to an 11 year old, it can give them body image problems. You're carrying out celebrities popularity.

[A]

Also, we've all seen fucked up stuff on Twitter.

[C]

Twitter is now a Nazi hellscape. Like we understand where some of the arguments are coming from.

[A]

I think just ripping it away when people are so used to using it and just be like, no, it's gone now.

[C]

These days they should be holding hands, dancing, they should be in community centers. There's nothing. There are no third spaces, there's no activities. Everyone's just trapped in their houses. Everything's too expensive. The parents don't have any money to give the kids anything to do. You're taking away the Internet. What the fuck is everyone doing? You can't just ban things and have no plan ready to go.

[A]

No, especially the thing that I think is the Most stupid is YouTube. Like why? What are we doing? There's so much creative stuff out there on YouTube.

[C]

YouTube is not Twitter. YouTube is not optional social media. YouTube is life.

[A]

There's gonna be so many 14 year olds that might like watch a Tomska sketch and then get into comedy or I'm gonna watch this PJ video and learn about art. And then if they can't Even go

[C]

on YouTube, there's no how to videos.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What are you looking to on the most basic level?

[A]

And they're like, oh, don't worry, YouTube Kids is still available. Oh, they're just gonna watch someone make blocks.

[C]

And as well as all the other slop that ends up going through the filter of YouTube kids as if that's a perfect system.

[A]

Yeah, I don't get that at all. And I just don't think it's gonna work.

[C]

And I think as much as there's bad sides of social media, obviously people use social media to escape their real lives. You find your people, you find your communities, you explore what the world is like out of your bubble, you express your identity. If I didn't have the Internet when I was a teenager and my world was forced to be limited to my house, my family, my neighborhood, my school, I don't even know if I'd be here.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And now they're just saying, oh, yeah, the uk, we're scared of this. We're gonna just ban everything. It is so stupid. I think literally, technically illiterate politicians.

[A]

There's something with the social media websites to make it safer for a 15 year old to be on it. I think that is a case to argue.

[C]

Well, so many valid points to make.

[A]

Don't ban it.

[C]

No. You can't just ban with no plan.

[A]

No.

[C]

Also, Phil.

[B]

What?

[C]

You know what this is also going to do?

[A]

What?

[C]

It's going to scan all of our faces when we're adults, to log into every website. So now a random third party company that they will have outsourced the face scanning to will know who all of us are, where we live, what websites we go on, how gay we are, what our interests are. And it's like, no, but we're just doing this for the kids. Right? Because the current government, they're not that evil. But okay, think about the world.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Think about other governments. Do we really think that if people have the power to control who goes on what websites and they know who we all are and where we live and who our friends are and what we're interested in, that they can't then decide what we see, what we don't see? That they can't show us certain things? Because the people that are far right these days, they are going down rabbit holes of only being shown certain things. Well, guess what? Someone with the wrong intentions will be able to do that to all of us. And we are going to be living in a black mirror. Episode. Episode. Very soon.

[A]

Great.

[C]

Also, Elon Musk is a trillionaire.

[A]

Can we stop this?

[C]

What do you do with infinite wealth you spend on riots in the uk?

[A]

I feel like we need something hopeful now.

[C]

There's a cage match on the lawn

[A]

in the White House.

[C]

Richard, everything's fine. How you girl? What good timing. It's so good to see you, Richard.

[A]

Fine. Spin that wheel. Get that ball. Maybe muesli. It's pink.

[C]

Thank you, lass. Don't worry. Things might be rough out there, but here in the bubble of the hard launch podcast, which is legal for now, we can talk about fun things to take our mind off the troubles of life.

[A]

This pink ball.

[C]

Such as eye tests.

[A]

Eye tests. I recently had an eye test because I had a subconjunctival hemorrhage. Ow. That was hard.

[C]

You threatened me last week.

[A]

That was your birthday. Your birthday.

[C]

Bumped and what? And therefore that's okay because it was your birthday.

[A]

I've got a fragile.

[C]

I expected you to deflect that.

[A]

I've got a fragile skull.

[C]

Yeah, emotionally fragile.

[A]

You've never had an eye test. How do we know you can see?

[C]

Because regularly we play the game of. Look at that sign over there. What does that say? And I go, it says, london Borough Council.

[A]

And you go, fuck, yeah.

[C]

And then meanwhile, I'll be like, phil, what does this say? And you go, bronclant.

[A]

One thing that is awkward is they get very close to your face.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

It's almost like, I know you're not gonna kiss, but it's like.

[C]

I don't know. When you really feel the vibe. Wait, what kind of signal does an optometrist need to give you to be like, this is not a test. This is a kiss?

[A]

Well, they shouldn't, because they're in a position of power.

[C]

But do you not consent to a hot optometrist?

[A]

I always consent to hot optometrist, but

[C]

Phil has just put that.

[A]

Anyone there?

[C]

If you're listening, give me a smooch. Open door.

[A]

Imagine, yeah, their eye is, like, against your eye. That's how close they are. And they're breathing into your mouth.

[C]

He could just be lying to me because I have great eyesight and I don't know if he's lying.

[A]

No, you're literally that close.

[C]

Why do they need to be that close?

[A]

Because they've got a little black light and they're shining it into your eyeball.

[C]

Black light?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Is the black light before or after you get the whole pass with the autometrist?

[A]

The other thing is the astigmatism test, which I've talked about before, which is, is it green or is it red? I don't know. Every time they show it to me, I don't know if it's green or red. They look the same.

[C]

You need to turn your phone brightness down.

[A]

Is it darker on the green? Is it darker on the red?

[C]

Every time Phil gets a text, it's like,

[A]

yes. What I learned is the actual answer is neither. I didn't know that was one of the answers.

[C]

I could say gaslight, gatekeep, upcharge. That's their game. Yeah. Optometrist, Big glass wants you to fail. Fuck up and invest.

[A]

Yeah. But you should be happy that you

[C]

can See, I should check my privilege

[A]

because it's very tiring when you wake up in the morning and you can't see. I would say that makes me harder to get out of bed.

[C]

Is that your excuse? Why are you looking at TikToks for four hours, Phil?

[A]

Because my eyes are tires.

[C]

I don't know where they are. Well, that made me want to get an eye test. Not gonna lie.

[A]

Read that.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

How they do. What's the lowest line you can read?

[C]

P, E, Z, O, L, C, F, T, D. What?

[A]

You can read that one. Yeah, I can't even read that one.

[C]

You need to go back, okay? You need to go back. Phil's gonna be like, oh, I can't read it. So I can.

[A]

All right. Batman. Oh, wait, can Batman hear really far? Superman.

[C]

What the fu.

[A]

Spider Man.

[C]

Daredevil.

[A]

That's me.

[C]

And now I know that this whole thing is a bullshit ruse for Phil to get up close with the Blacklight.

[A]

All right, let's hear some of your stories.

[C]

What does the world want to share with us?

[A]

Go.

[B]

Hey, Dan and Phil.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

A from the United States. And after you guys did the drinks from college and did Jaeger boys, we got together with college friends and to relive our glory days, did Jaeger balms. Uh. Oh. We ended up finishing an entire bottle of Jaeger and having a foursome.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Surprise. Foursome. Look at what we've done. Look at what we're putting out there in the world. Who'd have thought that?

[C]

Bad breath, though.

[A]

College party ends in a foursome.

[C]

Where have you been licking? Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Sticky Jaeger. It's a strong smell.

[C]

Strong residue.

[A]

Strong smell in the air.

[C]

Well, at least they weren't doing that with the cheeky Vimto. Cause then they'd have had purple parts.

[A]

Oh, my God. Next.

[C]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi. It's Sarah from Australia, and I would like to hard launch my time in the psych ward.

[A]

Oh. Oh, good. Now, I saw a girl wearing Dan and Phil merch, so I went up

[C]

to her saying, oh, I'm a fanny too. To which she looked horrified. No. And said, the hospital gave me this.

[A]

Oh. So, yeah, I mean, how are you to know?

[C]

Okay, firstly, glad that you're doing well.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

There's an implication there that someone recovered from their psychological illnesses and then decided they no longer needed their Dan and Filmer.

[A]

I mean, that's fine. I'm not offended by that. They're just leaving it behind for someone

[C]

else as a cheering up gift. That Is a great positive spin on it. Well, shout out to you and that person that you're scared.

[A]

And never be ashamed for going to the hospital for your mind or for

[C]

being a big fanny. Next.

[A]

Hi, Darren Fittle.

[C]

Hi, I'm Lily from England.

[A]

And my hard launch is that I've got all of my toes from on my iPad. Touch ID. What?

[C]

In case I'm ever in the scenario

[A]

where I need my toes to open my iPad, I often ask, what is that scenario?

[C]

What do you mean? What do you mean?

[A]

Maybe you're where. Maybe you're sat on the toilet and you want to, like, watch the iPad on the floor.

[C]

You're at the optometrist and you want to take a selfie, but you've got no hands. Cause they're busy. Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Sorry. Did I dangle my mimic you at you there?

[A]

That was a bit too much. Okay, now I want to put my toes on my iPad.

[C]

Please don't do that.

[A]

Okay, imagine the uses.

[C]

What scenario are you gonna be in? Go on, Phil. Tell me the story. I have no hands. Quickly. I need to unlock my iPad because I'm kidnapped.

[A]

The killer has tied me to the chair.

[C]

The killer.

[A]

And I can only get out by calling the police with my foot on the iPad button.

[C]

They've left you an iPad?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Maybe they're just trying to trick you into giving them toe content. You ever thought about that? You are playing right into their hands.

[A]

And maybe I wanted them to.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What was this slutty shoulder thing?

[C]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Whoa.

[A]

Put it away.

[C]

Victorian ankle shaming. What's going on here? This has been a wild ride of an episode. Are we ending on toe iPads?

[A]

Apparently we've got one cute one that we can play just in case.

[C]

Oh, thank fuck.

[A]

Okay, go.

[C]

Hello, dead and Phil. Hi, my name is Isa. I'm from Brazil. I'm on a hard launch that when my cat snores, it sounds like turtles having sex.

[A]

Hear this?

[C]

Oh,

[A]

that's very gentle. Beautiful gentle turtle sex.

[C]

Gentle turtle lover.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Give it to you smooth and slow. Or like you ruined your own cute cat noise there, but that is fact.

[A]

Thank you for sending that. If you want to send your own hard launch.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I thought you were gonna be like, they're gonna film.

[A]

No, don't film.

[C]

We don't want to hear any more noises.

[A]

No. Hardlaunchpodcast at gmail. Com. Keep them short, snappy, and hilarious. No pressure, no pressure. We're gonna go to the patreon now where we're gonna have an after party

[C]

and, oh, people wanted us to do the Omegaverse quiz.

[A]

What is that? We don't know, but we're gonna do it.

[C]

I'm ready to get offended and stereotyped.

[A]

If you want to find out if we're an alpha, a beta, or an Omega, come join us.

[C]

And if you don't know what any of those words mean, stay pure. And we'll see you next time on Hard Launch.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh. Bye.

[B]

Your next chapter in healthcare starts at Carrington College's School of Nursing in Portland. Join us for our open house on Tuesday, January 13th from 4 to 7pm you'll tour our campus, see live demos, meet instructors and learn about our associate degree in nursing program that prepares you to become a registered nurse. Take the first step toward your nursing career. Save your spot now at care carrington.edu events. For information on program outcomes, visit carrington. Edu Sci Rakuten opens up a world of rewards. You can earn cash back on fashion, beauty, electronics, pet supplies, kids stuff, groceries. But what I'm here to tell you is with Rakuten, you get cash back on travel, too. Join and save on your next trip. You'll get cash back on the flight, the hotel and the car rental. Book on your favorite travel sites like Expedia, booking.com, viator, vrbohotels.com, iHG and more. Save on cruises, vacation packages and experiences as well. And don't worry, cash back can be earned on top of your credit card points and with many loyalty programs because we know you're saving every way you can. So go ahead, take a trip. Find that perfect hotel. Book an artisan cheese experience inside a cave in Spain. Wherever you want to go, go with Rakute. Join today for free. Go to rakuten.com or get the app that's R a k u t e N.