The Dentist Incident

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: The Dentist Incident

Release Date: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester (Studio71)

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Episode Overview

In "The Dentist Incident," Dan and Phil embark on a gleefully chaotic journey through social awkwardness, cascading white lies, British humor, and unexpected oversharing. The main focus is Dan's long-teased, now-infamous dentist appointment story, which unravels into a hilarious tale of anxiety, impulsivity, and the exponential growth of a tiny white lie. The episode also covers topics ranging from body modification innovations, Olympic condom math, extreme fan interactions, and listener hard launches, all delivered in their signature charmingly unfiltered style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Psychic Word Game & Pancake Day

[01:02–01:48]

• Dan and Phil warm up with their spontaneous "psychic word" game, emphasizing their bizarrely synchronized friendship.
• Notable moment: Converging on the word "pancake" on actual Pancake Day, much to their amusement.
  • "That is a shrove moment. If I ever had one, Jesus would be proud." – Dan [01:41]

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2. The Dentist Incident: A Tale of Lies & Social Anxiety

[03:03–11:39]

• Teasing the Story: Dan is finally pushed to reveal the dentist story, with plenty of disclaimers about appearing "really weird."
• The Setup: Dan receives a call informing him he’s missed his dental appointment. Immediate anxiety and scramble ensues.
  • "The absolute shittening that happens in that moment. Have you experienced anxiety? The rollercoaster? Stomach drop? More than I am supposed to be somewhere now." – Dan [04:23]
• The First Lie: Dan lies to his Uber driver about having a sprained ankle to avoid judgment for Ubering only 700 yards.
  • "You may see, this is quite a short journey. You see, I sprained my ankle." – Dan [06:24]
• The Spiral: Upon arriving, committed to the lie, Dan hobbles to the dentist, is questioned by the receptionist, and further embellishes the story—"fell off a bike," "got hit by a car," etc.
• The Fallout: The receptionist, dentist, and other staff become increasingly concerned, forcing Dan to perform the limp throughout the entire visit and out onto the street, only to "power walk" once out of sight.
  • "I limped out of the room... I then stood and waited for every pedestrian within eyeline that could have seen me hobble. Go around a different corner. And then I fucking power walked back home." – Dan [10:49]
• Reflection: The incident is dissected as a product of extreme social awkwardness and resistance to being perceived as disorganized, rather than pathological lying.
  • "This whole thing was me trying to create a fable where I wasn’t disorganized. And then karma slapped me across the fucking face with a fish." – Dan [11:39]

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3. Lying, Driving, and Social Guilt

[12:10–13:19]

• The hosts discuss social white lies (Phil’s driving license lie), contemplating the British driving test system, and their own reluctance to drive.
• Phil wonders aloud about the fragility of his eyes, humorously considering if this disqualifies him from driving.
  • "Sometimes my eyes just don't work sometimes." – Phil [13:27]

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4. How They’d Redesign the Human Body

[13:39–15:21]

• Phil imagines God-like upgrades for humans:
  • Hard, armored eyes
  • Separate holes for air and food
  • Less vulnerable testicles (“put a cage around it”)
  • Extendable necks
  • Extra fingers (for carrying more mugs)
  • Philosophical but playful back-and-forth about evolution gone awry.
  • "I want another finger... I want to be able to carry six [mugs]." – Phil [15:10]

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5. Theatre Tall Person Woes & Social Karma

[15:21–16:47]

• Dan relates being seated behind an extremely tall Dutch person at the theater, experiencing height discrimination for the first time, and recognizing karma from years being the tall obstruction.

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6. Wild Fan Invitations & Bizarre Brand Deals

[19:10–22:16]

• Remembering odd professional requests:
  • Potential “Dutch bisexual foursome” after a balcony party invite in Amsterdam.
  • Vague party appearance offers by early YouTube fans, possibly sex-related.
  • Phil’s near-invitation to participate in a Chinese phone company’s “feel-good” factory video, declined just before COVID.

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7. Avoiding Serious Media (Newsnight)

[22:12–23:31]

• Reflecting on being invited to appear on the serious BBC program Newsnight to talk about coming out, and declining—opting for queer visibility on their own, less “dusty” terms.

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8. London Luggage Anxiety & Miscellaneous News

[23:33–25:21]

• Riff on someone leaving £4,500 of jewelry on a train luggage rack—Dan’s extreme anxiety about theft, always clutching his belongings.
• News snippets:
  • Frozen swan rescue in Connecticut
  • Playful banter on fire brigade priorities in frozen towns.

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9. Olympic Village Condom Calculations

[25:21–28:20]

• Deep-dive into Olympic Village sex statistics after hearing about a condom shortage.
  • "That's four sexes for every athlete." – Phil [25:52]
  • "Am I the only person who is just not accepting these numbers?" – Dan [27:53]
• Banter about athlete stamina, butt-lifting, and imagined Olympic fan fiction.

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10. Fetishes: The Clown Rabbit Hole

[31:28–35:00]

• From pulling “fetishes” from a question jar, they spiral jokingly into what constitutes a fetish, societal acceptance, and the oddities of internet culture.
  • "When you goon to it at night, that's your fetish." – Phil [31:48]
  • Dan is pressured into Googling “clown fetish” (special shoutout to “cucked by a clown” as a phrase).
• Reflection on how social attitudes to kinks and unusual interests have evolved.

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11. Listener “Hard Launches”

[35:10–38:15]
Series of listener submissions sharing personal announcements:

• Polycule Pride: A five-person polycule shares their happiness.
  • "We’re in a five person polycule and we're just happier than ever. Clowning together has brought us queer love..." – Riley, Tara, Meg, Nick, Madele [35:24]
• Top Surgery Joy: Listener calls right after top surgery.
  • "I just hard launched my titties off my chest." – Rafi [36:39]
• Straight Husband Support: Nathan claims all straight husbands should watch Dan and Phil, or risk their wives leaving them.
  • "Any other straight husband who doesn't watch Dan and Phil with their spouse should be forced to pay for the Patreon or their wife should leave them." – Nathan [37:39]
• Dan and Phil celebrate the community’s openness, express gratitude, and promote their Patreon for more content.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I limped out of the room... I then stood and waited for every pedestrian within eyeline that could have seen me hobble. Go around a different corner. And then I fucking power walked back home.” – Dan [10:49]
• “The absolute shittening that happens in that moment.” – Dan [04:23]
• “When you goon to it at night, that’s your fetish.” – Phil [31:48]
• “I'm a quadruple lesbian pterodactyl clown juggler. And everyone's like, good for you.” – Dan [32:37]
• “I just hard launched my titties off my chest.” – Rafi (listener) [36:39]
• “Any other straight husband who doesn’t watch Dan and Phil with their spouse should be forced to pay for the Patreon or their wife should leave them.” – Nathan (listener) [37:39]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Start | End | |-------------------------------------------|----------|----------| | Psychic word games & Pancake Day | 01:02 | 01:48 | | Dan’s Dentist Incident Story | 03:03 | 11:39 | | Driving anecdotes & eye introspection | 12:10 | 13:39 | | Human body redesign brainstorm | 13:39 | 15:21 | | Tall guy at the theater | 15:21 | 16:47 | | Odd fan invites & business offers | 19:10 | 22:16 | | Declining Newsnight appearance | 22:12 | 23:31 | | Luggage anxiety & frozen swan | 23:33 | 25:21 | | Olympic Village condom math | 25:21 | 28:20 | | Fetish discussion & clown Google journey | 31:28 | 35:00 | | Listener hard launches | 35:10 | 38:15 |

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode is delivered in Dan and Phil’s signature tone—irreverent, self-deprecating, and playfully raw. They weave vulnerability and absurdity together, making even the most “cringe” moments relatable, while maintaining humor that veers from whimsical British banter to borderline-surreal oversharing.

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Conclusion

Dan and Phil’s “The Dentist Incident” embodies HARD LAUNCH’s ethos: unfiltered, messy truth-telling entwined with laughter, commentary on modern weirdness, and a celebration of “living your truth”—no matter how awkward or wild it gets. For fans (and even straight husbands), it’s an irresistibly relatable, must-listen episode.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

I want to keep playing the game. Can we just do the game on the podcast?

[C]

We're psychic, and this is the thing that we do.

[A]

So we both say a word at the same time, and then we've got to say something related to that word and then end up on the same word.

[C]

If we don't say the same word at the same time, our connection is dead.

[A]

Okay, let's do it. Three, two, one, breast. Pig and breast.

[C]

Wait, wait.

[A]

Okay. Three, two, one. Chicken. No pig breast.

[C]

Cow udder fill. What the heck? Okay.

[A]

Three, two, one, milk. Oh, chicken milk could be a thing. Wait. Three, two, one, Pancake.

[C]

Yay.

[A]

And wait, we're recording this on pancake day?

[C]

That is shrove moment.

[A]

That is a shrove moment. If I ever had one, Jesus would be proud. Oh, my gosh. Let's do it again. Let's do this for an hour.

[C]

Okay, one more. One more.

[A]

Three, two, one. Harston.

[C]

We know what we have to do. We just need the strength to say it.

[A]

Three, two, one. Vagina. Vagina. And pancakes on hard Launch podcast.

[C]

Yeah. If people are like, I wonder what Dan and Phil are doing right now. That's actually the answer.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

Three, two, one.

[A]

I need a head massage.

[C]

Don't know who you're looking at. Welcome back to the pod. Ooh, are you like, oh, the intro's playing right now. Oh, no.

[A]

I don't know. I just was, like, letting you know I've Got a bit of head tension.

[C]

You know that we're recording a podcast

[A]

right now, and I'm being my authentic self.

[C]

I'm not giving you a head massage right now.

[A]

Just give me a little poke there.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I just need to release that little.

[C]

Hit the pee spot.

[A]

Oh, there we go.

[C]

There we go.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Boop. Was that like a factory reset?

[A]

Boop. Boop. It's released now. Thank you.

[C]

Oh, you're done, are you?

[A]

Podcast listeners and viewers on Monday.

[C]

Welcome back.

[A]

I'm feeling very fresh on this Monday

[C]

now that he's had his special poke.

[A]

I'm Phil Lester.

[C]

Wait, did the people listening know where I just poked you? You said head.

[A]

Right in my brain head. No, other head. This is Dan Howell, and today we're

[C]

gonna be top three worst podcast openings for people on Apple Music.

[A]

I have a topic. You said you'd talk about what happened at the dentist yonks ago. You never said the story.

[C]

Well, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Teased. I said you edged us all.

[C]

I said I might tell people one day if they've been good. Has that happened?

[A]

They've been good boys, good girls and good. They's. They've been begging like a dog at the table.

[C]

Good thems in the chat haven't given them the treats. Please, Master Dan, give us a scrap.

[A]

Give us the dentist treat.

[C]

Daddy.

[A]

Not Daddy. Tell it. Say it.

[C]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Okay, no. Right, if I'm doing this, I just need to disclaimer. This makes me sound really weird.

[A]

I'd say most weird out of anyone,

[C]

but I promise I'm not a weird, antisocial person. This is a thing that any of us are capable of. It just got out of hand.

[A]

Stop stalling. Tell it.

[C]

They're never gonna look at me the same way. I promise. I'm not like him. All right? Weeks ago, I was sat at home minding my own business. Got a phone call out of the blue. Immediately, I think, scammer calls you, unknown number. Now, I'm the type of guy, if I'm feeling spicy, I might want to chat back to a scammer. Right?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, fair. I love to do that.

[C]

Hello, Are you the homeowner? And who the fuck is this? So I pick up the phone and I'm feeling a bit sassy, and I'm like, yeah. And someone goes, hello, is this Mr. Howell? And I immediately go, right, right, lock in.

[A]

Here we go. And I'm like, catch the scammer.

[C]

And what? And he goes, yeah, you've got a Dentist appointment. It started five minutes ago. Where are you? The absolute shittening that happens in that moment. Have you experienced anxiety? The rollercoaster? Stomach drop? More than I am supposed to be somewhere now.

[A]

Yeah. The dentist is waiting and crying.

[C]

She has nothing better to do.

[A]

She's got no teeth to touch.

[C]

So I immediately freaked the fuck out because I should be there. The dentist is, I would say, a 10 minute walk away.

[A]

I'd say it's a 12 minute walk.

[C]

I speak to the guy on the phone. Yeah, yeah, I know. I knew that. And I am on the way and I will be there in five minutes.

[A]

Oof.

[C]

I don't know if that was technically possible at the time, but I just felt like I'm not accepting that I'm missing this appointment. I'm going to be there. So then I think I'm gonna save as much time as possible. I'm gonna book an Uber.

[A]

That's stupid. It's gonna take that long for a car to arrive?

[C]

Was it 700 yards up the road? Yes. Shut up. Wait. I'm trying to do this as quickly as possible. Speedrun. Okay, I'm thinking if I get dressed. Cause obviously I was sat in my underwear at the PC, minding my own business in the middle of the day on a workday. Shut the fuck up. This is my lifestyle, okay? So by the time I've got my socks on, I. I walk downstairs, one minute car journey, bam. I will be there in five minutes. Not a big deal. So I run downstairs and then I immediately think, okay, socially awkward. I am gonna get judged by this Uber driver.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because he's gonna be like, you lazy bitch, how dare you? And I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of being judged by this person who I'm gonna know for 28 seconds and then never speak to again. And this is when I decide to do a little white lie, okay? A harmless fib. So I'm stood on the corner, I get into his car and I go, ah, yes. You may see, this is quite a short journey. You see, I sprained my ankle. What if you were getting a one minute Uber journey?

[A]

I get it.

[C]

It's because I've hurt myself.

[A]

I get it. It's just slightly weird.

[C]

I think it's harmless.

[A]

He probably doesn't care.

[C]

Yeah. And he doesn't care.

[A]

No.

[C]

So I get to the dentist. I'm about to be perfectly on time. I get out of the car and he doesn't move. I'm waiting for him to pull away. He doesn't. I am on the other side of the street from the dentist. I told him, I am injured, yes. So this is when I make the second bold choice. And unfortunately, this is when it progressed. I decided I now need to commit to the bit and hobble across the street as if I am someone that is indeed injured. So I go across the street. I gotta sell it, right? It needs to be visible in the rear view.

[A]

That was less of, I've sprained my ankle and more, I got bitten by a shark.

[C]

And I'm just thinking, he can see me out the window. So I need to keep doing this. I open the door to the dentist office. I hop in, receptionist is there, and he saw that I hobbled in.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

So he goes, Mr. Howell. I'm like, yep, here I am. Five minutes later, he asks, are you okay? And this is when I make my third choice.

[A]

Don't lie again.

[C]

I go, yep. Sorry that I am late. You see, the reason why I hobbled in was I fell off a bike. Now, the problem is, Daniel, that's fucking crazy.

[A]

That's an intense thing, that is.

[C]

I fell off a bike and now I'm hobbling. So him, being a normal, empathetic, polite human being, says, oh, my God, are you okay? Why did you still come to your dentist appointment? And then I'm thinking, yeah, okay, well, maybe this was very weird. I go, no, I'm fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And so I go, I'm gonna wait. The dentist comes out of the office, Mr. Howell, are you ready? And then the receptionist, being normal, looks at the dentist and goes, oh, my God, he fell off his bike. And she goes, are you okay?

[A]

How?

[C]

And I'm just like, no, no, don't ask me how.

[A]

How'd it happen?

[C]

I got hit by a car. But I was like, not in a bad way, Dan. Obviously, the dentist, being normal, goes, you got hit by a car? And I go a little bit. You know like when you're on a lime bike, a mile tan, and then there's just like a boop. And then you go, oops. And not like a bam. Slam. Uh, oh, traumatic advert.

[A]

She was probably ready to call an ambulance.

[C]

I think that she was thinking, am I trained for this? Have the teeth all fallen out? Ooh, Phil. It just came out.

[A]

And then what happened?

[C]

I then, because I was in this now, said, no, I would still like my dentist appointment. I had to limp down the corridor.

[A]

You limped into the dentist chair, past

[C]

the other people in the waiting room who were also like, um, is he okay? Is he in shock?

[A]

I need to See how you limped? Do it down here. Just do it now. I want to see it. I'm the dentist. I'm ready to touch your teeth. Come through. Come into my office. Mr. Howell, for any listeners, it looks like he's been in a war accident.

[C]

I've sprained my ankle. I'm sure I'm feeling pressure on my feet.

[A]

Right. That is, I'm trying to find a word for what is wrong with you. Dan.

[C]

Psychologically irregular.

[A]

Yes, that's woke, right? I think so, yeah.

[C]

I wrote a book about it. I can say that.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Okay, well, so I cradled my stump leg and then.

[A]

Did you have to then limp out again afterwards?

[C]

I get into the room, hop on the chair and the fucking dental assistant nurse says, are you okay? Oh no.

[A]

Your tiny white lie is built up to you being limp, man.

[C]

I had to tell the full story to about three different people because the dentist was like, you'll never guess what happened to him. Had the whole frickin thing. Yeah, I limped out of the room.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

I limped back down the corridor.

[A]

No, I left.

[C]

And then guess what? Fucking glass front to the office. I had to limp until the corner of the street. Limp down the street until I was on the corner.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I then stood and waited for every pedestrian within eyeline that could have seen me hobble. Go around a different corner.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And then I fucking power walked back home.

[A]

You're a mess.

[C]

How did this happen?

[A]

These spiral of lies can lead you into dark places. Okay, so you could have ended up in an ambulance.

[C]

I promise I am not a weird, compulsive liar. This is not something. Shut up. I don't do this.

[A]

No, I think this is like something

[C]

I would have done when I was nine.

[A]

This is just social awkwardness.

[C]

It was a series of microscopically harmless little moments that were just designed. Well, I was actually. I was about to be very rude that I wasn't making Uber drivers and receptionists feel better. I just couldn't accept responsibility for the fact that I missed my appointment.

[A]

There we go.

[C]

And this whole thing was me trying to create a fable where I wasn't disorganized. And then karma slapped me across the fucking face with a fish.

[A]

And you limped out the door with the fish in your arms.

[C]

Yeah, that haunts me to this day. So why. Firstly, why did I tease this?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Why did you make me relive that?

[A]

Because I keep seeing comments saying you need to tell the story, people. And it's finally a story about how you were Late and how you were disorganized.

[C]

Keep that fucking finger away from me. Please don't think differently of me now.

[A]

I don't. I mean, I've told silly lies before. I love lying. We all know that.

[C]

But why is it cute and fun when you tell a little thing and when I do it, it's a devastating snowball that'll end up in the murder of 12 people?

[A]

You just have to lie with whims.

[C]

When I end up on the news, you'll know that it just started because I was late for a doctor's appointment.

[A]

That's why.

[C]

And I said I got something in my eye.

[A]

Suddenly he's driving a tank through London.

[C]

I'm covered in blood. I've got a necklace of human teeth.

[A]

Oh my God. From the dentist drawer. Oh, I told a lie today. I said that I didn't have a driver's license. So we were asked to go on a TV show where we had to drive a car.

[C]

It was a road trip based format.

[A]

And they were like, do you both have driving licenses?

[C]

And I said no, because technically, Phil, you still have an active British driver's license.

[A]

I don't want to kill pedestrians that

[C]

you haven't used since you were 18. And that's terrifying.

[A]

Isn't it crazy that I could just drive on a motorway today?

[C]

As far as Prime Minister, I mean, this really would not be a priority. In fact, it would be so low on the moral priority lists that it wouldn't happen. But I would like to say that I would make it mandatory that people need to, like, redo a driver's test or something.

[A]

I'm never gonna drive without doing more lessons, that's for sure.

[C]

Do you even want to do more lessons? No. Snip that thing in half. It's terrifying.

[A]

I think my brain is just too busy thinking of other things to remember if I'm driving on the pavement or not. Yes.

[C]

And also you say things like, my eyes just don't work sometimes.

[A]

Sometimes my eyes work just when you're

[C]

driving a murder tank. Should not be.

[A]

I went to the eye doctor and she said, my eyes don't work properly. So there we go.

[C]

For reasons science can't explain, I was

[A]

talking about this today. There's so many ways I would change the human body if I was God.

[C]

Yeah, Forget Prime Minister Phil Lester. If you were God, please do tell us, how would you change the human body?

[A]

Okay, my first thing is, eyes are too wet.

[C]

Too wet.

[A]

They should be hard like glass.

[C]

Aren't your eyes too dry?

[A]

I'm just jogging next to a branch. Pop. There goes one.

[C]

So you think we should have armored eyes?

[A]

Yeah, like glass. Like hard eyes. Also, why is the air hole the same as the food hole? That's just bad management.

[C]

I 100% agree with you.

[A]

I want a new hole in my body.

[C]

Why do we have the same neck hole? And it's like, oh, I did it wrong. I'm dead.

[A]

Imagine if there's one in the back of your neck. All the uses that could have.

[C]

Do you have another one? I just want to move on and stop discussing the previous one.

[A]

Testicles too exposed. They're.

[C]

Isn't there, like, a reason for that?

[A]

They're warmer. Oh, yeah, the temperature. But that's the mess. Put a cage around it.

[C]

Okay, so basically you want to be an armadillo.

[A]

That would be helpful.

[C]

Also, Nex, that's just the worst visual

[A]

imagery I've ever seen. I mean, people buy, like, chastity cages. I'm not talking about that.

[C]

I'm talking about it's not for protection.

[A]

A sexy looking.

[C]

It's not a jockstrap.

[A]

Jockstrap, esque, see through skin shield.

[C]

Okay, well, you know what Phil's next business venture is gonna be, don't you?

[A]

Nex, they're too exposed to. This is important.

[C]

Everything's going on there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Blood, air, spinal cord.

[A]

We need a neck cage.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Heads.

[C]

Also, the brain's right there.

[A]

It's too heavy for this.

[C]

Yeah, well, you could just get your formula one exercise grind set on. Yeah, thick neck, like Lando.

[A]

Also, I want another finger.

[C]

Where do you want another finger?

[A]

Look, I can carry four empty mugs up the stairs. I want to be able to carry

[C]

six, and that is the best possible way that that could have ended.

[A]

So evolution is listening. Let's get those moving.

[C]

I think the human neck should be able to extend and retract like an ostrich or a turtle. Because we went to the theater the other day and guys, I got discriminated against.

[A]

Oh, why?

[C]

I felt for the first time what it is like to have a tall person sat in front of you at an event.

[A]

That is very rare for you.

[C]

I am the tall person sat in front of you at an event.

[A]

This guy was like 9 foot tall.

[C]

This absolute Dutch. What's like a.

[A]

A Dutch giraffe?

[C]

I was trying to say like a food item. I like that. You knew he was Dutch sausage. Yeah. Dutch people are tall.

[A]

He was very tall.

[C]

Remember when I got invited to a party?

[A]

Wait, I'm not. We need to talk about this more first, okay, you were complaining like, oh, great. And then look behind you and there's a four foot tall guy, like crying because he sat behind a giant Dan Howell. So he's kind of calmer, really.

[C]

Do you know how I could have avoided that situation by lying down? If I used the sponsor of today's podcast, seatgeek.

[A]

Oh, well done. They're back.

[C]

We didn't scare them.

[A]

We didn't scare them. And someone on TikTok actually promoted our code for us when they got Heated Rivalry.

[C]

Yeah, shout out to the person who said they went to Heated Rivalry live and used the code that we'll tell you at the end of this.

[A]

Which is actually just ice hockey, by the way. There wasn't a live show for Heated Rivalry, which I would watch.

[C]

Thank you for explaining that, Phil. Yes, sport is real. If you didn't know, and so are

[A]

boys, they could do other things on stage. I'd watch that as well.

[C]

That is not going to get included in the edit of this sponsor.

[D]

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[A]

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[A]

is good BTS is the tickets are rated from 1 to 10. You can get a green one or a red one and then decide where

[C]

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[A]

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[C]

Thanks SeatGeek.

[A]

Shopify. Thanks for sponsoring the podcast. We have a shop on Shopify, the Dan and Phil shop, where we're having a winter sale at the moment.

[C]

Oh, wow. Oh, such a look at all that stuff. You can get garments and prices and

[A]

it's on sale now.

[C]

You might not imagine Dan and Phil as skilled coders and spreadsheet managers. Thankfully, Shopify Makes it easy enough for Phil to use.

[A]

It's so easy to make your own shop. You can do templates where you can make your shop look all pretty by summer sale. Doing different sale options. Wow. Themes. Newsletters.

[C]

You want to bug people's email all the time? Please do me. Hello. What's up?

[A]

Send him out. Dan's quite a good job.

[C]

Don't mark me as spam. I'll be sad.

[A]

And the shop pay button.

[C]

When have you ever remembered your card details?

[A]

Don't need to.

[C]

Do you even know where you live?

[A]

Got that.

[C]

Do you even know your name?

[A]

Handy purple button.

[C]

Thanks, Boop.

[A]

If you want to open a shop, whatever you're gonna sell, what could it be? Olympian fan art. Oh, God. Shop.

[C]

Oh, God. Framed.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

This ain't digital commission. This is an oil painting.

[A]

Well, if that has inspired you at all to start your own shop, it's time to turn what ifs into.

[C]

You did the sound again.

[A]

I did the sound.

[C]

And you can get a $1 a month trial. Wowzer.

[A]

Whoa. @shopify.com Dan and Phil I love a trial, especially when it's $1. That's shopify.com DanandPhil what was that, Phil?

[C]

Why don't you say it another time?

[A]

A third time? Shopify.com danandphil Go make a shop. Back to that Dutch party. Dan, what were you doing with the tall man?

[C]

You don't remember? We were doing the Amsterdam date of the 2018 Interactive Introverts Tour.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[C]

And some tall blonde guy was like, I'm not gonna do a Dutch accent.

[A]

Don't do a Dutch accent.

[C]

Don't try insert voice. Do you want to come to a party tonight? And then he pointed up at his apartment and there was a girl and a boy on a balcony and they waved at me like, toodaloo.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think I could have had a Dutch bisexual foursome.

[A]

They were definitely asking you for a Dutch bisexual foursome.

[C]

This is the problem. Pre hard launch. There were just so many reasons. Pre gay general. What are you looking at? You weren't invited.

[A]

I could have been invited. I could have been the fifth. Or I could have just handed out the snacks.

[C]

Maybe they weren't into emos. Aw, just handed out the snacks?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Not the cuck. Dorito platter holder.

[A]

Maybe.

[C]

I stood here with the dips.

[A]

I wasn't even emo then. I had a quiff. Maybe they were intimidated by my extra height.

[C]

Oh, yeah, for the quiff height. You know Dutch people, they're scared of that extra 2 inches.

[A]

You also once got invited to a birthday party to be the dj, which I think was very funny.

[C]

We actually weren't sure in what capacity I was invited. This was back in Manchester. So we're talking 2011, old YouTube, super emo, Dan and Phil, not a big deal. We got an email that, by the way, it was just like my personal email. I was like, business email in my Twitter. Yeah, we weren't doing any business.

[A]

Danmail.com, literally.

[C]

And some guy just said, I've got a party and I'd like you to do an appearance. 2011, Dan Howell. What the fuck am I doing at someone's party? I don't have a comedy set ready to go.

[A]

What is the appearance?

[C]

What am I gonna do? Play some fucking muse off a USB stick?

[A]

Just slowly strip off, take the trapper hat off.

[C]

It really was not clear why he wanted me to do a professional appearance at the party. And in hindsight, I think it must have been sex based.

[A]

How much money was he offering?

[C]

I didn't follow back, but if I did, it wouldn't have had to have been a very high number back then.

[A]

No, back then we had no money back then. 500 quid. I'd be like, get down there.

[C]

Do you want a subway voucher? You would have been there. You'd have been like, looking good. Skinny jeans on, off you pop.

[A]

Okay, yeah, Party hat in all the right places.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

What?

[C]

We've had some strange professional requests over the years. Not just, phil, please drive into a ravine.

[A]

If I dig through my emails, there's so many things I've said no to. Like there was one I got in 2019 just before COVID where a Chinese phone manufacturer was like, we want to prove that our company is nice. So we want you to come to our factory in China and make an amazing film.

[C]

We want you to do a factory tour. We want you to eat at our canteen and just show the world that it's just a really great place to work.

[A]

I was like, maybe not. Maybe I won't be on the propaganda.

[C]

When I think about that, I'm like, why did they want Amazing Phil to promote their cafeteria?

[A]

But again, they offered me £3,000. I was like, nathan, are you being

[C]

strongly on the fence?

[A]

That would have been strange. How would I segue that into a video? Hey, this cafe's great. They feed the workers so well.

[C]

Oh, recent one, Dan and Phil were asked to appear on Newsnight.

[A]

Oh, my God. If you don't know what Newsnight is, it's the most dusty, serious.

[C]

Well, now you Ain't gonna be invited, are you?

[A]

No, I don't wanna be on it.

[C]

Bridge burned. I'm open to it if I've got another mental health book to put it.

[A]

Oh. I mean, if you're talking about something sick, I don't wanna go on that as like.

[C]

It is the serious, hard journalism late night British news show where they go on to be like, we're here to talk about the oligarchs, we're here to talk about the algorithms, we're here to talk about Dan and Phil. So you're collaboratively gay and you've got a male podcast now. I was just like, are they sure

[A]

they wanted to talk about us coming out on YouTube? And it was just too intense and serious sounding for me.

[C]

You were like, it's a scary studio. It looks in many ways like the hard launch podcast studio.

[A]

Yeah. And I was scared they were going

[C]

to do a mixed with a gay sauna.

[A]

It was a strange gotcha moment and I didn't know what they were going to bring up. What could it be?

[C]

It's just like, I really don't want to explain what being a gay youtuber is to 60 year olds watching BBC2. I just thought there is really absolutely nothing for us to gain from explaining ourselves to the people that watch that show.

[A]

I know.

[C]

It was like, it's good optics, it's good positioning. Like for what? Phil's multivitamin sponsorship coming soon.

[A]

I think it's always good to get gay.

[C]

Keep those joints oiled.

[A]

They're oily, they're loose and they're moist.

[C]

Mine aren't. I sprained my ankle.

[A]

Oh, yeah. The only thing that's good for going on TV is to spread more gay, which I think is important for visibility. But I think I'd rather do that somewhere that's not a serious dusty news show. But I don't need to be on the news anyway because I've got my own. Here's the thing. Luggage rack attack. A lady had a suitcase with 4,500 pounds of jewelry stolen on a London train because she put it on the luggage rack.

[C]

What was girl thinking?

[A]

What are we thinking there?

[C]

If I've got my phone, my laptop, I'm clinging to that for dear life. Does she not have phone anxiety about her jewels? If you put that thing over, I'm like, my phantom limb, where's it gone?

[A]

It's just full of gold bars.

[C]

I have literally never used a luggage rack on a train without having severe anxiety for several hours.

[A]

You are always so nervous about it. But then you're.

[C]

I gotta sit in a chair where I can down sit. And then the whole time I'm just like, what if someone steals it right now? And Phil goes, there isn't another train stop for 102 miles. Or you think they're gonna, like, pick it up, emergency stop, and then just run through a field?

[A]

Dan's just sat straddling his massive suitcase on the train seat like this.

[C]

She had so many choices overhead.

[A]

Yeah, but thieving is wrong. Stop stealing stuff. London. Black swan. More like blue. A swan has frozen in Connecticut.

[C]

Connecticut.

[A]

Connecticut.

[C]

Frozen in a lake.

[A]

Foot was frozen in the river and it was trapped. Had to be airlifted out. Did it? No. A fire brigade.

[C]

A helicopter did not come. Where was a lift to swan to.

[A]

To send onto the swan.

[C]

We have unfrozen the swan and now we're just gonna fucking kidnap you?

[A]

They did rescue the swan and defrosted its little leg.

[C]

I guess when the town is frozen, nothing fucking better to do for the fire brigades. That makes sense.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Golden pig. More like gold medal hog. Oh, God. The Winter Olympic village has run out of condoms.

[C]

I need to talk about this.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm doing the math, all right? And I'm scared by the implications about

[A]

the amount of banging.

[C]

So an official is quoted. I'm not gonna do Italian. No, I'm not. No, I think I'm allowed to.

[A]

You can do Italian, I think an attend.

[C]

No, I'm not gonna Italian. What they said was, I think 10,000 condoms have been used. 2,800 athletes. You can go figure.

[A]

That's four sexes for every athlete.

[C]

Every single athlete have fucked four times.

[A]

Maybe the curling people are putting one on each finger for extra lube for their stones.

[C]

You know, you don't have to say every funny thing that's coming to your head, Phil.

[A]

That was quite clever.

[C]

And we know who it is. It's the double skeleton people.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Maybe that's how they stay attached.

[A]

Maybe they put, like, five on so they don't get too excited when they're, like, pressed against each other.

[C]

These are actually the only things that make sense.

[A]

Yeah. I think it would be exciting to be an Olympian and have sex. Like, I'm at the top of my game.

[C]

Phil's like, imagine having stamina.

[A]

No, I'm just like, imagine being the healthiest person.

[C]

No, Phil, I really think you should stop and think about this. I'm not saying that I don't associate with this conversation. Can I go to a Dutch four way?

[A]

I'm not saying anything about myself. I'm just saying imagine being.

[C]

You are by proxy. You are by omission.

[A]

I'm saying imagine being an Olympian.

[C]

Finish that fucking sentence. I dare you.

[A]

And then seeing another Olympian.

[C]

You're both, like, twisted or what? The actual fuck.

[A]

You don't get what I'm saying.

[C]

I hugged Tom Daly once. And Dan. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like.

[A]

Did you see what the.

[C]

Why are you getting out your phone?

[A]

I'm just gonna show you what the American figure skating guy wore.

[C]

Is this allowed?

[A]

I don't want to objectify someone. I'm just saying it's quite an outfit that they wear.

[C]

Why was that in your camera roll? Wait, that was so quick.

[A]

It was in my camera roll. I knew we were gonna talk about it.

[C]

Feels just like I got 64 Chrome tabs of caked up winter Olympians. They have, and they can't help it. That's their professional outfit. And they're doing that exercise.

[A]

Maybe they're getting butt lifts because we saw the thing about the penis injections.

[C]

I don't think a BBL would help anyone do any sport faster.

[A]

Bounce off the ski jump.

[C]

I think it's in their interest to just naturally have the most powerful butts as possible.

[A]

Well, anyway, they're having lots of sex. I'm not gonna have a good time. I'm not done.

[C]

300,000 condoms were provided for 10,500 athletes at the 2024 Paris Summer Games.

[A]

Where do they get these from? Is there a massive dispenser?

[C]

Am I the only person who is just not accepting these numbers? And the funny news story who's tracking it as well? What do you mean? Are they not busy?

[A]

They're busy.

[C]

Are they not, like, locked in?

[A]

They're locked into each other.

[C]

I feel like you're doing it to cool off afterwards. That's so much.

[A]

Maybe more people should be inspired by Olympians.

[C]

Oh, I want to have sex on an uncomfortable wooden bed filled with license Olympic role play.

[A]

Maybe there's some Dan and Phil Olympic fan fiction out there.

[C]

I don't want to know any more about that.

[A]

Let's speak more about that after we speak about.

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[B]

Ask your doctor about Eglis and Visit. Or call 1-800-LILYRX or 1-800-545-5979.

[A]

Wait. Did you want to talk more about Olympic role playing? No. Richard. Richard.

[C]

Oh, thank God. Okay, she's here.

[A]

She's queer. She's full of balls. It's your turn to.

[C]

It's always my turn, you lazy bitch. Stand up.

[A]

Someone has done a chart and it's been me.

[C]

More, you fucking nerds. I did a chart. Here's a montage of every time Dan said 100%.

[A]

There we go. Get in there.

[C]

Thank you for your engagement. I really appreciate your dedication to the Dan and Phil podcast.

[A]

I know that we are British. We are very British.

[C]

In British humor, there are many things that people around the world may not understand. And a core tenet of that which, you know, we've said many times on YouTube, but perhaps not on the pod.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Is being rude to someone is fun. Is an expression of fondness. You are very mean to your best friends. Yes, it shows that I am close to Phil because I feel comfortable saying shut the fuck up.

[A]

I feel like you're just procrastinating. Get that ball out.

[C]

Woo. It's a green one. Thanks, lass.

[A]

Do we need to have a conversation about green versus yellow. Again. That's yellow. Are you thinking it's yellow?

[C]

I think it's yellow.

[A]

Layla thinks it's yellow. Amelia, it's with.

[B]

I see the green.

[A]

Oh, fight. Maybe it's somewhere in between. It's grello. Sorry, listeners, you'll have to watch it.

[C]

What am I about to say?

[A]

It's chartreuse.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Ooh. What does this say? Oh, no.

[C]

Why is this in Richard, what does he say? Fetishes.

[A]

Fetishes.

[C]

What is the line of something that becomes a fetish?

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

I don't know. I mean, I guess, like, sitting on a cake is a fetish.

[A]

When you goon to it at night, that's your fetish. If it causes gooning,

[C]

I want to go home.

[A]

What is interesting about the human experience is. Yeah, Phil, anything can be a fetish.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Walls. Yeah.

[C]

We've seen the tlc.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

My wife won't stop grinding against lamp

[A]

posts because she loves them. I have to pretend to be a lamppost in bed. I switch my eyes on.

[C]

I tape my arms to my side

[A]

and I light the car.

[C]

I put a torch in my mouth.

[A]

Oh, for God.

[C]

And then she slides up and down that thang. I think that we are in a time in society where we are judging things a lot less.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

10, 15 years ago, you'd have been like, I have a kink. And everyone would have gone, freak, freak. Whereas everyone's now is like, I'm a quadruple lesbian pterodactyl clown juggler. And everyone's like, good for you.

[A]

I'm not sure if that. People don't care the pterodactyl aspect in there, but I like the rest of it.

[C]

There's at least 5,000 people on Tumblr that are gonna unfollow you now.

[A]

Clown fetish.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How many? Clown fetish.

[C]

Hong Kong. Millions.

[A]

Google clown fetish.

[C]

I really don't want to do that. You've got the cooked tabs. You do it.

[A]

Go on a porn now on Google clown fetish. No, do it. It's funny.

[C]

Keir Starmer's watching. Am I even allowed?

[A]

If only we had NordVPN.

[C]

That's not today. Oh, my God. I'm literally gonna disconnect from the work wifi and turn a VPN on just because Phil asked me to do a bit in the podcast. I don't want to be associated with this. Okay. Why am I doing this?

[A]

Phil, I want you to describe the first thing you see.

[C]

I don't Wanna see that? Oh, God. I don't wanna know what's trending either,

[A]

but we're not shaming. We're not shaming the clown lovers.

[C]

I would like to apologize to the clown fetish community for the noise I just made. Oh, my God. Not the it parody. No.

[A]

Oh, the it parody. Are they Pennywise?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, the clown affair. That's fun. There's like a storyline there.

[A]

Someone's having an affair with a clown.

[C]

Cucked by a clown. 100% cucked by a clown. Oh, someone's done a Valentine's Day clown in a car special.

[A]

Clown in a car. Hopefully it's not.

[C]

How many people can you fit in the clown car?

[A]

Yeah, 10 Dutch people. Okay.

[C]

I submitted to the will of the damn clown.

[A]

Not that damn clown.

[C]

That was 17 minutes long. Okay, I'm scared now.

[A]

Do you know people romanticize 2016. Was that not the year when all the clowns came? They literally came in those videos. Oh, that was funny.

[C]

Yeah, it is funny.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I'm just sad.

[A]

Well, do you remember when they were like, a clown could arrive? Yeah.

[C]

And then some people watching, like, is the clown gonna arrive? Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Leave my door.

[C]

I'm just gonna wait by the door. Oh, I live next to the woods. Scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Look at that. But yes, apart from my visual reaction, which I retract, no judgment on anything,

[A]

it might have unlocked something within you. You might have been like, no, hang on, Phil, get the red nose out.

[C]

But that's okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, my God. Please stop therapy.

[A]

Do you want to say it?

[C]

Pregnancy session booked. Can we. Richard again. To get rid of the Richard.

[A]

No, we're gonna get some hard launches.

[C]

Oh, thank God. So let's get some caller messages in.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

We have a wonderful community of people that listen to the pod that like to send in the things that they want to hard launch and get off their chest. Who do we have today? Hi, Dan and Phil Ward. I'm Riley. I'm Tara. I'm Meg. I'm Nick.

[B]

Hi, Madele. And we're hard launching that. We're in a five person polycule and we're just happier than ever. Danielle clown together has brought us queer love and you guys mean so much to us. Bye, Dan and Fay.

[C]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[A]

We should get all of them on the podcast and quiz them about that

[C]

one long squeaky sofa.

[A]

Polycule.

[C]

Yep. Five people that had sorority meme energy.

[A]

They're very well connected with how they speak.

[C]

Yeah, I like that pentagram.

[A]

Do you think they always speak in unison at all Times hun. You're allowed to say it sometimes. 100%. 100%.

[C]

Indubitably. I agree.

[A]

They must have a large bed.

[C]

Bed. Yeah.

[A]

Can you buy a five person bed?

[C]

I'm not googling anything moles today.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I don't have the time management skills for that. No.

[A]

We could maybe get one extra person.

[C]

Do you think you have the emotional conflict resolution skills for that?

[A]

Do you think our third would empty the bin?

[C]

Dan and Phil are actively looking for a third partner who will keep us on time for dental appointments and do small chores.

[A]

Yeah. Next gonna be you.

[C]

Hi, Dan and Phil.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

This is Rafi in Portland, Oregon. Oh. And I'm here to say I just hard launched my titties off my chest.

[A]

Wahoo. Did they literally just have surgery? Right.

[C]

Firstly, congrats.

[A]

Congratulations.

[C]

Secondly, when you say just. Was this the first thing that you did when you came to.

[A]

I feel like they may have been loopy on the hospital bed.

[C]

I physically launched them across the room. I need to speak to Dan and Phil right now.

[A]

Well, congrats, honestly.

[C]

Thank you. Your first call could have been anyone. And your emergency contact is the Dan and Phil podcast.

[A]

We love that.

[C]

We love that for you. And it sounds like you're having a great time. It's probably ended by now, but yeah, we'll always cherish these memories.

[A]

Congrats. Next.

[C]

Hey, Dan and Phil. Hi, My name is Nathan. I'm from South Carolina. My wife Jasmine has loved y' all forever and even met y' all during the terrible Influence tour.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[C]

I'm a straight husband. And as a straight husband, my hard launch is that any other straight husband who doesn't watch Dan and Phil with their spouse should be forced to pay for the faetreon or their wife should leave them.

[A]

Wow. That's great.

[C]

I think that was our first hard launch held at gunpoint.

[A]

I think it was

[C]

a wholesome moment. Shout out to all the straight husbands, whether they are being forced to listen to this against their will or they've slowly been eroded over many months and years and have now just decided they

[A]

are part of the club and paying for the Patreon, apparently.

[C]

Thank you so much.

[A]

If you want to join the Patreon

[C]

for more bonus yapping where, Phil, what are we going to talk about today?

[A]

Any husbands that want to listen to us, go to patreon.com danandphil where we're going to have a further yap. Join the party.

[C]

And today that is a threat based on this episode.

[A]

This has been a very unusual episode.

[C]

Olympic episode. Yeah. Stamina Velocity Clowns.

[A]

Thanks for joining us and we'll see

[C]

you next time for another hard mail Monday with Dan and Phil.

[B]

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