There’s a Dan Howell lookalike on the loose

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "There’s a Dan Howell Lookalike on the Loose"

Date: March 9, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell and Phil Lester

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Overview

In this characteristically chaotic and honest episode, Dan and Phil unpack everything from domestic mishaps (damp beds and failed laundry attempts) to bizarre celebrity encounters, the wilds of K-pop tribute concerts, and the existential horror of hearing your own voice on the internet. The duo navigate stories about lookalikes, awkward workplace games, adult social politics, and intoxicating Ribena seltzers—all in their signature oversharing style.

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Highlights & Key Discussion Points

1. Domestic Disasters & “Sack Therapy”

[01:00 – 03:14]

• Phil confesses to washing all their bedsheets at midnight in a fit of pre-parental-visit anxiety, mistakenly relying on the dryer’s “quick spin” mode.
• Dan gets into bed only to realize the sheets are soaking wet, initiating a classic back-and-forth of blame.
• Phil tries to reframe the “soggy” sleep as “refreshing, like being in the womb,” suggesting it could be called “sack therapy.”
  • Quote (Dan, 02:45): “I wasn’t even soggy. I was sogging. I was cold. I was shaking. I was clammy. I had pruny hands.”
  • Quote (Phil, 03:04): “It was like being in the womb.”

2. Language, Mogging, and Hamster Yearning

[03:37 – 04:10]

• Dan introduces the term “mogging,” while accusing Phil of pouting.
• Phil says he yearns to be a hamster, inspired by Dan’s earlier hamster joke.

3. K-pop Concerts Gone Wrong

[05:01 – 06:17]

• They discuss news of families taking children to a K-pop tribute show, only to be horrified by its unexpected, spicy content.
  • Quote (Dan, 06:10): “Get a fucking grip.”
  • Quote (Phil, 05:44): “Some parents thought it was K-pop Demon Hunters. That was an issue.”
• Commentary on parental expectations, cultural exposure, and children becoming “cooler” than their parents.

4. Tech & AI: Priests Using ChatGPT

[06:20 – 07:09]

• Discussion about priests being warned not to use AI to write sermons.
  • Quote (Dan, 06:29): “We are cooked as a world...I got ChatGPT to generate some Bible slop.”

5. Internet Doppelgängers: The Dan Howell Lookalike

[07:11 – 08:07]

• Viral video surfaces of someone in a club who looks exactly like Dan. Both are spooked.
  • Quote (Dan, 07:23): “I am freaking the fuck out right now.”
  • Quote (Phil, 07:46): “If you ever die, I can just replace you with him.”
• The long-standing Dan/clone hypotheticals resurface, with Dan suggesting unpredictable consequences.

6. Behind-the-Scenes at The BRIT Awards

[10:42 – 18:46]

• Dan and Phil relive years of hosting online coverage for the BRIT Awards, including writing their own scripts and fighting for creative control. They recall sneaking into Taylor Swift’s dressing room and sniffing candles, run-ins with celebrities (Charli XCX, Little Mix), and accidentally snubbing James Corden’s shoutout tweet.
  • Quote (Dan, 12:15): “This is an invasion of privacy.”
  • Quote (Dan, 15:05): “[James Corden:] Why did you ignore me?”
  • Quote (Phil, 14:05): “My favorite one was Jade. Jade was really nice ‘cause she always said, you got cool shoes on.”

7. Adult Friend group Drama & Picking Sides

[19:39 – 22:23]

• Phil is surprised adult friendship groups still fall out like schoolchildren.
• Dan reflects on when you should support or criticize friends, sometimes with dark, tongue-in-cheek hypotheticals.
  • Quote (Dan, 21:54): “If a friend has done something bad, being a good friend is helping your friend to be a good person and do the right thing.”

8. Social Energy as Aging Introverts

[23:28 – 25:18, 25:30 – 26:32]

• Both hosts describe themselves as “significantly more introverted than 99% of people,” needing time to recover from socializing.
• Phil cares for Dan during gaming sessions, ensuring he hydrates; Dan relishes his online anonymity in gamer chats.
  • Quote (Dan, 24:11): “People do not give us life. They take the life away.”

9. The Joy of Internet Anonymity

[26:34 – 27:19]

• Phil admits to running a burner Twitter, where he could post harmless hot takes about “fishkeeping” without the pressure of being funny as ‘AmazingPhil’.

10. Generational Ironing & Domestic Rebellion

[29:05 – 31:33]

• A listener-submitted “graph find” leads to a passionate debate on irons vs. steamers, and how “Millennials and Gen Z have killed ironing.”
  • Quote (Phil, 29:05): “I don’t know anyone that irons or has an iron.”
  • Quote (Dan, 29:08): “Killed the diamond industry. Killed the iron industry.”
• Phil jokes about drinking water from a hotel iron for cash (“I’d do it for £1000.”).

11. Listener Hard Launches & Ribena Cocktails

[32:13 – 34:22]

• Cal from Massachusetts suggests mixing Ribena with White Claw. Dan and Phil try it live:
  • Quote (Phil, 33:50): “Ooh, that’s good. It works, Cal. I see what you’re cooking.”
  • Quote (Dan, 34:06): “This is now just a gay little Dr. Pepper type thing. Five of these, that’s summer.”
• Other listeners hard launch embarrassing elevator etiquette, NSFW Twitter adventures, and using Grindr solely for voting in awards shows.

12. Phil’s Pink Wall & Upcoming Holiday

[39:08 – 39:21]

• Phil teases his upcoming holiday tan, aspiring to return “looking as pink as this back wall” and with “an eight pack”—or perhaps a missing leg from a shark incident.
• Podcast will be on break the following week due to their trip.

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Best Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan, 02:45: “I wasn’t even soggy. I was sogging. I was cold. I was shaking. I was clammy. I had pruny hands.”
• Phil, on K-pop concert, 06:04: “When it hit the interval, I seen so many children crying and people leaving crying.”
• Dan, 06:29: “We are cooked as a world… I got ChatGPT to generate some Bible slop.”
• Dan, 07:23: “I am freaking the fuck out right now.” (on his lookalike)
• Phil, 14:05: “My favorite one was Jade. Jade was really nice ‘cause she always said, you got cool shoes on.”
• Dan, 21:54: “If a friend has done something bad, being a good friend is helping your friend to be a good person and do the right thing.”
• Phil, 29:05: “I don’t know anyone that irons or has an iron.”
• Listener (34:01), Cal: “I want to hard launch that Ribena tastes really good in White Claw, specifically the BlackBerry flavor.”
• Dan, 34:06: “This is now just a gay little Dr. Pepper type thing. Five of these, that’s summer.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:00] — The wet-bed saga and “sack therapy.”
• [05:01] — “Here’s the thing!”: K-pop concert chaos and parental outrage.
• [07:11] — The Dan Howell lookalike spotted in the wild.
• [10:42] — Reliving the BRIT Awards years, celebrity run-ins, and snubbing James Corden.
• [19:39] — Social plans, friend group fallout, and adult beef.
• [23:28] — Introvert life and social battery anecdotes.
• [25:30] — Phil’s burner Twitter & the joy of online anonymity.
• [29:05] — The death of ironing and domestic rebellion.
• [32:13] — Listener “hard launches”: Ribena-White Claw testing.
• [39:08] — Closing holiday plans; Phil’s future tan.

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Tone & Style

The episode is amusingly candid, self-deprecating, and laden with in-jokes and quick-witted banter. Dan often veers into exaggerated horror or mock outrage, while Phil tries to reframe disasters in a positive (if unconvincing) light. Both routinely riff on the absurdities of everyday life, fame liminality, and the enduring weirdness of internet culture. Listener contributions blend seamlessly into the overall chaos, reinforcing the podcast's “oversharing” theme.

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Useful for New Listeners?

Absolutely! This episode captures Dan and Phil’s real-life chemistry, sense of humor, meme-worthy storytelling, and willingness to “hard launch” their most embarrassing truths. Great for anyone who enjoys light-hearted oversharing with a satirical edge, and perfect if you’ve ever wondered about the perils of rapid laundry cycles, social energy drain, or the proper Ribena-to-White-Claw ratio.

Transcript

[Angie.com Advertiser]

Why have I asked my electrician I found on Angie.com to bury my pet hamster, Nibbles, in our yard for me? Because I was so moved by how carefully he buried my electrical wires, I knew I could trust him to bury my sweet Nibbles after his untimely end.

[Phil Lester]

Huh?

[Angie.com Advertiser]

Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace.

[Phil Lester]

Hey.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff.

[Angie.com Advertiser]

Nibbles would have loved you like a brother.

[Angie.com Narrator]

Connecting homeowners with skilled Pros for over 30 years, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

why have we asked our contractor we found on angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now? No.

[Angie.com Narrator]

Sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled Pros for over 30 years, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Dan Howell]

we slept in a wet bed last night.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

And it was Phil's fault.

[Phil Lester]

No, it wasn't my fault.

[Dan Howell]

It was completely your fault.

[Phil Lester]

It was the fault of science.

[Dan Howell]

He had a domestic failure.

[Phil Lester]

You're making it sound like I pissed the bed.

[Dan Howell]

It's worse.

[Phil Lester]

It's not worse. What could possibly be worse?

[Dan Howell]

I'm more upset.

[Phil Lester]

Look, I got inspired to wash all of the bed sheets at midnight. Right? You have nothing.

[Dan Howell]

But. Okay, firstly, when you were like, emergency, I had to wash the bedding at midnight. That's making it sound like we'd had an accident.

[Phil Lester]

It was not an emergency. My parents are coming. So I was like, I'm gonna wash the spare sheets. Our put them all in together.

[Dan Howell]

Spring cleaning vibe.

[Phil Lester]

And there's something called a quick spin on the dryer. So I was like, ah.

[Dan Howell]

He thought it would be fine with a quick spin.

[Phil Lester]

One hour, it'll be done. Perfect timing.

[Dan Howell]

And what did you find an hour later? When you opened the dryer?

[Phil Lester]

It made it wetter. Why was that an option? Filled it with more water.

[Dan Howell]

Because you put 17 tons of fabric in it and it just turned into a sphere of pure liquid.

[Phil Lester]

I know. So then we had to wait till two in the morning for the dryer to finish.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, no. Beep, beep, beep. It'll just be a bit longer. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Don't Worry. And then I'm just trying to find things to do.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

Sat raw dog in my algorithm at 2am that's bad for my mental health.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, we could have watched a film. We could have put Avatar on.

[Dan Howell]

I gave up. I was too tired. So then Phil said, don't worry. I think it's done now. Yeah, I'm just gonna make the bed. And then I got in it and I was like, this is fucking soaking wet. It is still soaking wet.

[Phil Lester]

You are exaggerating.

[Dan Howell]

And he tried to gaslight me. He was like, dan, it's not damp. It's cold. You know when you think that something's wet and it's not wet, it's just cold.

[Phil Lester]

It was mildly damp.

[Dan Howell]

Isn't it nice and refreshing? And I was so tired, I couldn't even. So I just went, yeah, maybe he's right. Maybe it's just cold. And then I went to sleep. I woke up and I was soggin.

[Phil Lester]

You were not soggin.

[Dan Howell]

I was.

[Phil Lester]

That's not even a word. Soggin. It was fine.

[Dan Howell]

I wasn't even soggy. I was sogging. I was cold. I was shaking. I was clammy. I had pruny hands.

[Phil Lester]

I liked it. It was kind of refreshing. You liar.

[Dan Howell]

You're trying to cope with your absolute failure.

[Phil Lester]

It was like being in the womb.

[Dan Howell]

You're the worst trad hub ever. It was like being in the womb. Trapped. Stop trying to spin this as a positive experience.

[Phil Lester]

It's a deliberate thing. It was good. We could call it sack therapy.

[Dan Howell]

Amniotic. I think he's referring to, like a womb. Okay, well, Dan and Phil needed to emergency wash their bedsheets. It was soaking. They gave each other sack therapy. Someone who is not paying attention watching this on the bus is absolutely terrified.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I think so.

[Dan Howell]

Apologize to me and apologize to them.

[Phil Lester]

I think you should all try it. Damp beds for everyone.

[Dan Howell]

Are you mogging me? What the hell is that?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Phil's just doing it.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Going.

[Dan Howell]

Did you not realize?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

For the listeners. Phil is pouting and he's sticking his jaw at me aggressively.

[Phil Lester]

That's just my natural state.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's like, hey, Dan, welcome to Hard Launch.

[Phil Lester]

Mmm.

[Dan Howell]

Check the jaw.

[Phil Lester]

I was actually giving my cheeks a little chew sometimes. It's nice. My dentist.

[Dan Howell]

We're doing what Sometimes says.

[Phil Lester]

Why are you chewing your cheeks again? Because he can see all the bite marks in them.

[Dan Howell]

You yearn to be a hamster.

[Phil Lester]

I am a hamster at heart.

[Dan Howell]

That's what this podcast is. I think we're Situationship maxing situation right now.

[Phil Lester]

What does that mean?

[Dan Howell]

What do you mean what does it mean? It completely makes sense.

[Phil Lester]

Situation.

[Dan Howell]

Them watching this right now. Fan gooning.

[Phil Lester]

What are you talking about? How are they fan gooning?

[Dan Howell]

If you need it to be explained, then you're just not on my level.

[Phil Lester]

You are in a weird mood today. Dan keeps spitting at me like a llama. I feel like you woke up on the wrong wet side of bed.

[Dan Howell]

Well, no shit. I had a horrible night's sleep. And then Phil's just asking me to do things and I couldn't verbalize it. So Phil was like, can you do this thing? And I just. What did I do? I went to clarify. I didn't actually spit on him. I just made the noise.

[Phil Lester]

But you can't do that to me, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I was just walking around going.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, damn, maybe we should order some food for my parents. Oh, yeah, thanks.

[Dan Howell]

If I order a cardo, can you pick it up?

[Phil Lester]

Enough of that.

[Dan Howell]

Point your wagger back at yourself, Wag. I'm not in the mood to communicate, so I was just letting you know exactly how to.

[Phil Lester]

You know what will be putting you in a good mood. What if we start the episode with, here's the thing.

[Dan Howell]

Holy shit.

[Phil Lester]

I'm mixing up the rule books. I'm changing everything. Life will never be the. K flop. Young families attending K Pop tribute concert in Belfast didn't realize it's a whole genre outside of K Pop. Demon hunters.

[Dan Howell]

Mommy, when are they gonna play golden? Who the fuck is Jennie? Why are they throwing ass?

[Phil Lester]

Didn't that open their eyes to an iconic amount of music?

[Dan Howell]

You'd think. I mean, this is when their children became cool. And yet they were clutching pearls. That is so sad.

[Phil Lester]

K Pop stands for life. All of those eight year olds, apparently

[Dan Howell]

they were scared by the jai rating because they expected Netflix friendliness.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, come on. I think the poster made some parents think it was K Pop Demon hunters. So that was an issue.

[Dan Howell]

I understand it.

[Phil Lester]

Lots of viral tiktoks of mums complaining that this was not the K pop they were expecting.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

K Pop and the Odyssey should be ashamed of themselves.

[Dan Howell]

I'd have been there, having a great time. Yeah, I'd be like, play sticker by nct. Just me. Just me.

[Phil Lester]

Here's a quote. When it hit the interval, I seen so many children crying and people leaving crying.

[Dan Howell]

Get a fucking grip.

[Phil Lester]

Don't cry.

[Dan Howell]

Craft. Craft some taste for your children who just got awoken to culture.

[Phil Lester]

Next. Christians against clankers.

[Dan Howell]

Say it.

[Phil Lester]

The Pope. It says the Pop there. The Pop. The Pope not to type it next time. Priests not to use AI to write their sermons.

[Dan Howell]

We are cooked as a world. Like I don't read the Bible. I can't be bothered. I got chatgpt to generate some Bible slop.

[Phil Lester]

They're not seriously generating Bible slop.

[Dan Howell]

Christ slop on a Sunday. Blah blah blah blah. There's an EM Dash.

[Phil Lester]

Worship the data centers and waste all the water. That's what Jesus would want. Cause he can always make more out of his fingers. That's what they're saying.

[Dan Howell]

Don't get me thinking about stuff like that.

[Phil Lester]

What? Jesus.

[Dan Howell]

The bar is low for the Pope, but we'll take it. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. Pope. American. What's he called?

[Angie.com Narrator]

Leo.

[Phil Lester]

Leo. I saw that he signed a Pop Leo Pokemon card. That gives him one point in my eyes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, you've still got minus 950, but you got plus one for Phil. Thanks Pop Leo.

[Phil Lester]

Cause he's Pope Leo. Do you get it?

[Dan Howell]

I get it.

[Phil Lester]

You get it, Doppel Dandelion. Dan Howell's been spotted in the club.

[Dan Howell]

Not me. Not. I have a clone on the loose. Roll the tape.

[Phil Lester]

Now. This looks so much like Dan in the club.

[Dan Howell]

I am freaking the fuck out right now.

[Phil Lester]

That's Dan. From Dan. And foul. If you ever. Do you like that?

[Dan Howell]

You got and fucking Phil. And fucking Phil. It's not just Dan Howell. It's from Dan and fucking Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I like that you also appreciate it looks like you. Because it really annoys me when someone obviously looked like someone and then they're just like. That doesn't look like me.

[Dan Howell]

There's very few people in the world that I look like me. That scared the fuck out of me.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. If you ever die, I can just replace you with him.

[Dan Howell]

There were lots of people going, is this straight Dan Howell?

[Phil Lester]

They would have noticed.

[Dan Howell]

We're not casting aspersions on this random stranger who deserves privacy. But the posture was giving normal.

[Phil Lester]

We can't let you loose near a clone. We know. All the stuff you've said about what you do with a clone was the

[Dan Howell]

last thing I said. That I would fuck or kill.

[Phil Lester]

Both.

[Dan Howell]

No, no. Fuck and then panic. Choke.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, that's what you said.

[Dan Howell]

Watch out.

[Phil Lester]

I think they're in America, so they're probably safe for now. And that's everything in the news this week.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that.

[Phil Lester]

And now to the weather with Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Sun's out. Guns out.

[Phil Lester]

13 whole degrees today, everyone. I've never been so warm. It's great.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I need it after the deep chill that I experienced after my hypothermic soggy night.

[Phil Lester]

What is herpothermic?

[Dan Howell]

Shut the fuck up. Is this not a safe space where I can just speak freely without forming the thoughts in my head before I verbalize them?

[Phil Lester]

You're limiting diseases.

[Dan Howell]

It's just because I know you so well that I don't need to try.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, thank you.

[Dan Howell]

You know when you're around people that performative because they're trying to impress.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I'm like the opposite of that. Like, I'm so past needing to impress Phil that I don't actively think before I speak. It just goes.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And sometimes you'll see in a normal volume while I'm downstairs and expect that I heard you. Because you think I'm in your brain.

[Dan Howell]

I think it's rude of you to not just know what I need at any given time.

[Phil Lester]

Just not be next to you.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, what's the point?

[Phil Lester]

At all moments.

[Dan Howell]

16 years psychic connection. Let's do the game. Three, two, one, fork.

[Angie.com Narrator]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

Three, two, one, McDonald's. Okay, okay. We're not psychic then. Wait, wait. Three, two, one. Three, two, one, pie. Oh, right. It's not happening. No, no. One more. Wait. Okay. Carrot and pie.

[Dan Howell]

Three, two, one, rambling pumpkin.

[Phil Lester]

No. Right. Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck? We're cooked. Ok.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Narrator]

No, sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust, to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

why have I asked my H Vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[Dan Howell]

Make it quick, young man. Aw.

[Phil Lester]

See?

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Pop Pop trusts you.

[Angie.com Narrator]

I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[Phil Lester]

what's happening?

[Dan Howell]

The Brits happened, actually.

[Phil Lester]

Hello, Dan and Phil here on the Brits red carpet 2015. We're getting ready to pounce on some celebrities.

[Dan Howell]

And how does that make you feel?

[Phil Lester]

It gives me Flashbacks to trying to interview celebrities that don't want to talk to me.

[Dan Howell]

I need the suspense accent. I need the classic dan and Phil YouTube. Yeah. For when something spooky happens.

[Phil Lester]

Sweaty memories, Terror of waking up stressed.

[Dan Howell]

If you don't know, the Brits is the British Grammys. So pop stars turn up to it and stuff. And me and Phil, for how many years?

[Phil Lester]

Four years.

[Dan Howell]

Hosted the online global stream for it.

[Phil Lester]

We were the official nominations event correspondent. We sniffed around, did all the red

[Dan Howell]

carpet interviews on behalf of the Brits.

[Phil Lester]

We were close. What, to Taylor Swift dressing room.

[Dan Howell]

Leave her alone.

[Phil Lester]

We were in it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. In a professional capacity.

[Phil Lester]

No, we just sniffed around. We were like, oh, it's open. Let's go film in it.

[Dan Howell]

No, we didn't.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. I mean, we did, but it was before she arrived.

[Dan Howell]

Did we?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. What? There's a literal video of us doing it.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Okay. So this is Taylor Swift's actual dressing room. We can ask her on Twitter if

[Phil Lester]

it's okay after these jars are actually filled with Taylor's rare collection of snakes.

[Dan Howell]

I have forgotten something because I think I committed a crime.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, what?

[Phil Lester]

We sniffed our candles

[Dan Howell]

and we recorded this.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

We went into Taylor Swift's dressing room and filmed ourselves sniffing her candle.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Before she arrived. We were like, what stuff she got for free? So we sniffed her candle.

[Dan Howell]

Ooh, some matches and a scented candle. Do you reckon this is the candle that she requested?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe. What's it smell like? Oh, it smells good.

[Dan Howell]

This is an invasion of privacy.

[Phil Lester]

It wasn't really. She'd not arrived yet. It's just like we were fluffing the pillows. I'm not saying I think a candle is sniffable. Think of all the candles in a supermarket and how many noses have been inside that before your nose.

[Dan Howell]

This is gonna be exhibit B in the weirdest Netflix true crime documentary in four years time.

[Phil Lester]

The Brits happened.

[Dan Howell]

Are you trying to reset the whole thing?

[Phil Lester]

As if.

[Dan Howell]

We didn't talk about any of that.

[Phil Lester]

It's like, let's go back, let's go back. How's it make you feel?

[Dan Howell]

Bolts of terror and anxiety. What I didn't realize is when me and Phil worked at the Brits, we did so much and it was stressful. Live hosting, the stakes were incredibly high, and people relied on us to do everything creative.

[Phil Lester]

We've produced all of the games and came up with the games.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, normal TV host personality people. They just turn up, look nice, and then read off an autocue. Me and Phil had to write the script. We had to come up with the games, we had to tell the editors how to make it funny.

[Phil Lester]

That's because we were YouTube perfectionists. And we were like, hang on, this doesn't make any sense.

[Dan Howell]

We wanted to serve gold, and they were giving us corn, and so we needed to do Falcony.

[Phil Lester]

We did some falcony, and we did

[Dan Howell]

it four years in a row. And then we just said, this is enough. Can't be living like this anymore.

[Phil Lester]

It wasn't all bad, though. Like, some of the celebrities were cool.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, we had fun. We had fun. Stressful, hard work. As it all should be.

[Phil Lester]

I got to caress a Brit Award with my hands.

[Dan Howell]

Leave them alone.

[Phil Lester]

Who was a nice person we interviewed? Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, name a woman. Come on.

[Phil Lester]

Charli. XCX was nice.

[Dan Howell]

Yep. If a comet was about to destroy the earth in 10 seconds, what would you do?

[Phil Lester]

Kiss someone who is next to me. Fine. Yeah. It can't happen right now. I'll kiss you because you're closest and. Cause you're really great. I'm blushing now. The little mix were always nice.

[Dan Howell]

Name a little mix, Jessie.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, fine. Okay, you win this round.

[Phil Lester]

My favorite one was Jade. Jade was really nice.

[Dan Howell]

Cause she always said you got cool shoes on.

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Always compliment someone's shoes.

[Angie.com Narrator]

Mm.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Always compliment someone's shoes, even if they're wearing the most decrepit stompers you've ever seen in your life.

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember that? We slightly offended James Corden by accident.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. We had beef.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

It wasn't beef. It was completely accidental.

[Phil Lester]

Don't try and make a headline. That's not a headline.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil had beef with James Corden. No, we didn't have beef, but we resolved it.

[Phil Lester]

We did the livestream.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And we hadn't seen. Because we had one on our phones.

[Dan Howell]

We were asking people to tweet in messages so that we'd give them shouts out.

[Phil Lester]

The James Corden had tweeted. Hey, lads, I'm watching from la.

[Dan Howell]

You're doing a great job. Keep it up.

[Phil Lester]

The problem is that we didn't actually check the tweets we were gonna read.

[Dan Howell]

We were busy. We weren't sat there. Doomscroll and Twitter. There were people finding the funny tweets saying, dan and Phil read this one

[Phil Lester]

out, and they gave us a tweet.

[Dan Howell]

And we didn't see James Corden's tweet.

[Phil Lester]

No. So then when we saw him at the YouTube Awkward Musical Day, he was like, hey.

[Dan Howell]

He walked right up to us.

[Phil Lester]

You didn't read out my tweet. At the Brit Awards, he literally just

[Dan Howell]

went, why did you ignore me?

[Phil Lester]

He didn't say it like he was joking. He was joking. He was not being a diva.

[Dan Howell]

No, we think he was joking and he was in good spir.

[Phil Lester]

He was in good spirits.

[Dan Howell]

But he did want to know why? Why we ignored him.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And we had to say we didn't see it. We were live on camera. I'm so sorry we missed your tweet.

[Phil Lester]

There was also a moment where we were given this new producer, and they came up with a game that made no sense whatsoever.

[Dan Howell]

This person walked in and they were like, hey, Dan and Phil, I hear you make the games around here. Well, I'm fresh on the block, and guess what? I'm the person that comes up with the celebrity interview formats now, so give this one a try.

[Phil Lester]

And it was so bad, it made

[Dan Howell]

no fucking sense whatsoever.

[Phil Lester]

Gave us these tiny musical instruments, the idea table.

[Dan Howell]

We've got a tambourine, We've got a flute.

[Phil Lester]

I don't remember the band.

[Dan Howell]

Yep. But it was a band up and coming indie band.

[Phil Lester]

And they were like, you have to sing a lyric from a song, and then the band has got to pick up one of the instruments and then make up a new tune, and someone's

[Dan Howell]

got to sing a lyric to invent a new thing. And we said, that game makes no sense.

[Phil Lester]

That doesn't make any sense.

[Dan Howell]

Not only is that so confusing, it's also not funny. And it's really creatively impossible for the musicians.

[Phil Lester]

Like, even if we tried to play it now I'm gonna swing from the.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, uh, Pringle can.

[Phil Lester]

It's not a game.

[Dan Howell]

That's not. Yeah. We said, please don't make us do this.

[Phil Lester]

Please, please don't. It doesn't work.

[Dan Howell]

It's shit. And he said, I'm in charge.

[Phil Lester]

I'm in charge. You do the game. So we did the game. It was shit. The band was like, that's the worst interview we've ever had.

[Dan Howell]

The band's like, promoter rep was like, what is this chicken shit game? What is this? I'm in Dan and Phil's clown content basement, making them jingle on a tambourine.

[Phil Lester]

And then they refused to let it be show on the Internet.

[Dan Howell]

Whatever the fuck you just recorded. That's not going out.

[Phil Lester]

Social media, never work with these men again. And we were like, I'm a man.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, we knew. No, Phil. No one's ever said this, man. They go, the boys, the boys, the boys, the boys.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sweating now. I don't like, thinking about that.

[Dan Howell]

No. The pressure's too high.

[Phil Lester]

Give me one more positive about the Brits.

[Dan Howell]

Even when the fashion year was questionable, we served fun. We did serve fun at the Brit event.

[Phil Lester]

We were not written in a magazine like Worst Dressed.

[Dan Howell]

We were. What do people say? Like. Like Swaggiest men.

[Phil Lester]

Swag men.

[Dan Howell]

Sugarscape's top 10 hottest straight YouTubers.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, because we were very straight. I wore plaids. Do you remember that? That was a good look.

[Dan Howell]

You went crazy that year.

[Phil Lester]

Fashion risks went wild.

[Dan Howell]

Would you do it again? Ever?

[Phil Lester]

No. Would you? Like, I wouldn't even wanna go. I'm not a music artist. Why would I be? Why would I be at the Brits?

[Dan Howell]

Because we've got a legacy of being pop culture people there. If someone said, dan and Phil next year, do you want to come? We'll sit you at a table.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

You're afraid that Jack Whitehall is going to come up to you and say something mean.

[Phil Lester]

He's not going to go to me.

[Dan Howell]

He might if. It depends who you sat next to. Your blonde hair will make you stand out. Look who's here. It's Phil. It's Dan and fucking Phil. No. Does that make you do a little nervous?

[Phil Lester]

We. Yeah, a little we as strategic.

[Dan Howell]

Yellow sweater.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

That's why you're doing it. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think I suit yellow. I think I've come to that conclusion today. I don't suit yellow, brown, or pink. And you said you don't not suit it.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was like, is yellow my colour? Be honest. How do I answer that?

[Phil Lester]

You just said you don't not suit it.

[Dan Howell]

How do I, as a supportive partner respond to that?

[Phil Lester]

What you say is you look lovely, but what you said is you don't not suit it. That's not very encouraging. No, no, no.

[Dan Howell]

What I said was yellow isn't your color, but it's not not your color.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Which.

[Dan Howell]

What I meant is blue is your color.

[Phil Lester]

Blue is my color.

[Dan Howell]

Blue is your color. Yellow is not your color. But it's not not your color. Blue is your color.

[Phil Lester]

Should we get one of those?

[Dan Howell]

Yellow is a color.

[Phil Lester]

Color analysis.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You would be gold. I would be silver.

[Dan Howell]

I did it.

[Phil Lester]

We don't need to go pay for it now.

[Dan Howell]

Boom. There you go. Save £10,000 on a flight to Singapore.

[Phil Lester]

Winter, spring. Mm.

[Dan Howell]

But I'm so crunchy.

[Phil Lester]

Gloom.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You are the fifth season of gloom.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, dear. But doesn't that just make you feel grateful to be inside, not at events?

[Phil Lester]

Yes, I like.

[Dan Howell]

Well, apparently we need to do more.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

To send a photographer to replace our Wikipedia photos.

[Phil Lester]

Bloody hell. Do you know what I've decided?

[Dan Howell]

Should have gone to the bridge.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just gonna submit a photo of us and I don't care if we'll get put in some kind of chlamydia commercial. It's worth it to have a different Wikipedia photo.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil's damp sheets.

[Phil Lester]

There we go.

[Dan Howell]

Don't worry, it's Sack therapy approved.

[Phil Lester]

That'll go on our billboard.

[Dan Howell]

Ew, no.

[Phil Lester]

Filboard.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and fucking Filboard.

[Phil Lester]

There we go. Yeah, we've been hanging out with some peeps again. It's not.

[Dan Howell]

Thankfully, we're done.

[Phil Lester]

It's not new friends again. We don't have that many friends.

[Dan Howell]

No, we've got like four. And we've just seen them all back to back. And I want them all to leave me alone now.

[Phil Lester]

What I didn't realize about becoming an adult is people still fall out with each other, which is wild. You think at school, such a teen thing at school. People are like, oh, I'm not talking to Claire.

[Dan Howell]

Stacey isn't talking to Jeremy anymore.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I can't go because Susan's there. That still happens now when people are in their 30s.

[Dan Howell]

So weird.

[Phil Lester]

So there's a friend group that's not our friends, but they're friends with us. And they're like, ah, it's all divided now because.

[Dan Howell]

And it's our responsibility to spill their tea on our male podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Half of us don't like Susan, so half of us don't go to the Susan events. And then half of us have gotta go to the ones where Susan is. It's like, what's Susan done?

[Dan Howell]

Does this happen anymore?

[Phil Lester]

It does happen.

[Dan Howell]

How old are these people?

[Phil Lester]

People at work are like, can people not communicate? They're like, oh, we can sit at

[Dan Howell]

that table outside of the office. Has got beef with that.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

They didn't like what Jeremy did declare.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I know. I don't fall out with people.

[Dan Howell]

Well, you don't know that many people. You fall out with me quite a lot over damp sheets

[Phil Lester]

in life. I know one person didn't like me very much and I was like, hey, do you want to hang out? And they ghosted me twice.

[Dan Howell]

Get fucking wrecked. Was this 25 years ago?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And it still annoys me. I wanted to trade you my blastoise. I wanted to. It wasn't that long ago.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I do think that people just need better conflict resolution skills, though.

[Phil Lester]

I can therapize anyone. I can fix It.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah. What would you say?

[Phil Lester]

I would say pick a side.

[Dan Howell]

Look, pick that one person. Exile them from the group.

[Phil Lester]

We all want to go to Marbella. Susan cannot be the reason half of us are not coming. Can we just sit down and talk about.

[Dan Howell]

Kill her.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Dispose of the body.

[Phil Lester]

We're not killing her and disposing the body. D solve the problem. We're going to talk about what?

[Dan Howell]

The water slide incident in Marbella.

[Phil Lester]

The core root of the issue is.

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is the thing. Not here. Yeah, this is.

[Phil Lester]

This is the thing.

[Dan Howell]

Not here. This is the thing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

If your friends fall out, do you have to pick a side? What is being a good friend?

[Phil Lester]

I think it's about who you're closer to. And I don't. Yeah, I think it's all about how bad the situation is.

[Dan Howell]

If it's low stakes, it really doesn't matter. Get over it. No, I do think, however.

[Phil Lester]

Oh. An opinion is forming.

[Dan Howell]

If a friend has done something bad. Being a good friend is helping your friend to be a good person and do the right thing.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

So do you have to hate the people your friends hate? Sometimes, yes. If it's easy. However, if your friend has done something wrong, you have to then, for your friends, peace, spiritually. Sometimes you need to say, claire, you didn't need to eat their miniature schnauzer. That was fucked up.

[Phil Lester]

No one's eating a miniature schnauzer.

[Dan Howell]

Well, if they did, then you can't just be team Claire, can you?

[Phil Lester]

Well, they'd be in prison.

[Dan Howell]

You stuff to snitch, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Are you willing to snitch on Claire?

[Phil Lester]

Yes, if someone's eating a dog coughing up hairballs.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly.

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[Phil Lester]

Huh?

[Angie.com Advertiser]

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[Dan Howell]

Hey, sorry about your pet, but I just wire stuff.

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[Phil Lester]

I think it's strange when you see someone and they've got plans every day.

[Dan Howell]

Performative.

[Phil Lester]

I can't handle that.

[Dan Howell]

What are they hiding?

[Phil Lester]

How are they doing that?

[Dan Howell]

We had a plan last week. I have not recovered.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine having three plans where you go,

[Dan Howell]

and I'm going to this, then I'm going to this. When I'm going to this. I'm doing something next Wednesday and I'm already exhausted.

[Phil Lester]

My ears are ringing at the thought of it.

[Dan Howell]

Are they talking about you?

[Phil Lester]

No, it's just like the stress of, like, oh, you know, it's happening. That's very introverted, though. I think that's an issue.

[Dan Howell]

I do think Dan and Phil are significantly more introverted than 99% of people. I think we take a calendar week to recover from any friend event, which

[Phil Lester]

I think is bad.

[Dan Howell]

Some people get their energy from stuff.

[Phil Lester]

I'm jealous of that, though.

[Dan Howell]

People do not give us life. They take the life away.

[Phil Lester]

I want to get a bit. I want to get a bit of that energy back. You know what I mean? I think when we go on tour, we switch into a different Persona, though, because we've got to be on all the time.

[Dan Howell]

We adapt. So what you're saying is actually maybe human beings and we can be extroverted, but because of our toxic, codependent lifestyle, we reinforce each other's negative habits into being shut in. Yes, cool.

[Phil Lester]

That's what's happening. We should say at least two plans a week going forward.

[Dan Howell]

Otherwise I plan to play video games all day with my online friends on Saturday.

[Phil Lester]

That's okay. You can do that. I feel like I've gotta look after Dan like a pet or a plant when he is playing with these people online.

[Dan Howell]

See, I have a group of friends, the boys, the lads, I don't know them. We're all faceless Europeans on a discord group that I met in an mmo.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

And we play games together, but you

[Phil Lester]

get so into it, you don't drink. So I've gotta come in and be like, dan, have you drunk water yet? Do you want me to hold it? Like, open it up?

[Dan Howell]

The door opens up and he's like, can I safely come in?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, just.

[Dan Howell]

Here's a Pint of Ribena.

[Phil Lester]

Just drink it.

[Dan Howell]

You brought me two Taakifuegos and the Ribena and then you just left.

[Phil Lester]

I heard you choking on them straight away as well.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Cause Takifuegos are fucking crazy.

[Phil Lester]

You're like, I was trying to get through the door. You're like, what's he choking on?

[Dan Howell]

It is weird. One of them doesn't even know my real name. How refreshing is that for me?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe you.

[Dan Howell]

I have found such a group of terminally offline straight boys that is that they don't give a fuck about Dan and fucking Phil. Yeah, like most people we know are like, I don't like your strange, gay, whimsical energy, but I'm interested in the spectacle of it. One of these people calls me Gabriel Gabriel because of a character that I had in an MMO once 10 years ago.

[Phil Lester]

They're not even judging you for your username being Omega Furry either. No, it's Diner's not on Fire.

[Dan Howell]

It's Diner's Not On Fire unless someone has taken it. Because people think that's very funny, don't they?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Me trying to sign up for Roblox. Who the fuck is walking around role playing with people as DanisNotOnFire on Roblox? You're gonna get me put on a list?

[Phil Lester]

I think so.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what he's called?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Cypher.

[Phil Lester]

Cypher. Oh, he's a hacker.

[Dan Howell]

Do you miss being able to hide behind a pseudonym? Snow Dude.

[Phil Lester]

I liked that. I quite like being anonymous on the Internet. And I will say I have had some anonymous accounts in my day.

[Dan Howell]

I cannot casually say that, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not like, in my own.

[Dan Howell]

That is wild.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm not sneaking into my own fandom. I'm just like, I don't want to see that shit doing my own thing on different websites.

[Dan Howell]

Phil had a burner account where, I don't remember why you started it, but you posted one random tweet on this burner account and it went, like, mildly viral. And then for a couple of months, Phil just started, like, tweeting hot takes.

[Phil Lester]

I just like that.

[Dan Howell]

And he started, like, getting some engagement until one day you just freaked out and were like, I gotta close this shit down.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that's because I accidentally tweeted like, new amazing Phil video on the wrong account.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, no, no, no, Phil, you can't just say that.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. Hot takes. You're making it sound like I'm saying something.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, the takes weren't hot. Phil was like, here's Something about fish keeping relatable for all my aquarium girlies.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that was the kind of thing.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, a creative outlet, A safe space where people aren't gonna judge you for having to finally craft a comedy tweet.

[Phil Lester]

I felt a lot of pressure in the day when Twitter was big to say something funny every single time. This was just my way of releasing random thoughts without being, like, going back

[Dan Howell]

to your improv era.

[Phil Lester]

It's gotta be funny. Maybe we're gonna make a new secret account.

[Dan Howell]

On what website? People need to know so they can start hunting Instagram.

[Phil Lester]

Just look out for. My cheeks are already out there.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. When Pale Globes 23 comes out, you'll be like, ain't no one got this complexion. We know exactly who that is.

[Phil Lester]

I hear they're cracking down on the crack, though, on Instagram.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no, I can't say vagina on TikTok either.

[Phil Lester]

That traitors guy does naked headstands. They keep removing his bum. Not that I look at that.

[Dan Howell]

You can't look at things. Your eyes don't work.

[Phil Lester]

Yes, I know.

[Dan Howell]

I went to the clinic for that. Not chlamydia.

[Phil Lester]

I went to the chlamydia eye clinic, and they turned my eyelids inside out, which was horrible.

[Dan Howell]

No one needs to do that to check anything.

[Phil Lester]

She's, like, just gonna give them a little invert.

[Dan Howell]

You can't casually invert anything.

[Phil Lester]

No, it was horrible.

[Dan Howell]

And what did they say? Your eyes were dry because you needed

[Phil Lester]

to express my glands like a beaver.

[Dan Howell]

He means his.

[Phil Lester]

His eye glands. Just gotta, like, do some of this. Do you wanna do it for me? Express my gland? Richard. Richard. She's bloody here.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, God. Right, your turn this week.

[Phil Lester]

All right.

[Dan Howell]

I don't give a damn about the graph graf finds.

[Phil Lester]

Give us a good one.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I heard it roll. I heard it pop.

[Phil Lester]

It's a yellow ball.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, Richard. It's Phil's color. Yellow.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone agreed with me, by the way. It's yellow. Here we go. Crack.

[Dan Howell]

I don't care.

[Phil Lester]

Fight me Ironing. Millennials and Gen Z have killed ironing.

[Dan Howell]

Killed the diamond industry. Killed the iron industry.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know anyone that irons or has an iron.

[Dan Howell]

I have friends that have either got handheld steamers.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Which is the way if you need to uncrease your dress, your shirt, your whatever. Nice handheld steamer.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Be careful. Might burn you.

[Phil Lester]

I like a steamer. I don't know how to use an iron.

[Dan Howell]

A lot of people just go, sorry, I don't have a steamer. I just don't iron things. I'm Just fucking crinkled.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what you should do? What? A wetter wash than usual. Get your damp sheets.

[Dan Howell]

Is this what you were trying to do? Huh?

[Phil Lester]

When you hang it up, it dries without the creases.

[Dan Howell]

And then in 19 and a half years, your T shirt will be, bro, just get a fucking steamer.

[Phil Lester]

Or you can buy that spray that's like starchy anti crease spray and stretch it out.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. But you got one that was aggressively scented and smelt like a bioweapon of cherry blossom fakery.

[Phil Lester]

How much would I have to pay you to drink the water from a hotel iron? £20.

[Dan Howell]

No, that shit is gonna be lime scaly.

[Phil Lester]

It'll be lime scaleyou don't like swimming

[Dan Howell]

in lakes because there might be an ancient amoeba in it that'll swim into your era.

[Phil Lester]

There's a whole ass life force in there.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

I do it for £100.

[Dan Howell]

Like a drop or down the hole.

[Phil Lester]

Drink. Drink the iron.

[Dan Howell]

You are in a regional Holiday Inn Express in Missouri on tour.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You open the cupboard, the iron's covered in dust, it's full of water. Drink the whole thing. £100.

[Phil Lester]

No. I feel like you're gonna get a disease.

[Dan Howell]

£1,000, you're gonna get Legionnaires disease. At £10,000, you have a moral obligation to do it.

[Phil Lester]

I would drink the iron at £10,000 exactly. And then I would open the minibar and drink all the vodka to like, kill the microbes.

[Dan Howell]

Easy money.

[Phil Lester]

I'd do it for 1,000. I'd do it for 200.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I feel like we made the point. Has anyone got an iron retroactively getting your.

[Phil Lester]

Let me drink the iron.

[Dan Howell]

You're a freak on there. Nah, man, I'm a bit scared, to be honest.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like I iron creases into things more whenever I've used one in a hotel. I don't know how to do that.

[Dan Howell]

You burn yourself. You forget to put them on. You gotta get out the fucking ironing board.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

What is that about?

[Phil Lester]

It's just not necessary.

[Dan Howell]

Get out of here.

[Phil Lester]

No, no. My mum irons pants. I'm like, we really need to iron my boxer shorts.

[Dan Howell]

Mom, is this you living an epic rebellion of your mum's lifestyle just by being a damp, uncreased freak?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Yep.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Also in a hotel, I heard there's a hack.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You can cook things on the iron.

[Dan Howell]

Don't do that. Don't do that. They don't wash anything. Nothing's washed.

[Phil Lester]

No. You know what?

[Dan Howell]

Heated rivalry guys did to those throw cushions. You don't know what someone did to the iron.

[Phil Lester]

I made a Instagram story that was like, here's a hack. If your toast arrives cold, use the hair dryer on it. And I got so many people being like, that is full of skin.

[Dan Howell]

It's full of people's scalp skin. Don't do it.

[Phil Lester]

So apparently that was a bad take. I didn't ever even did it. I just thought it'd be funny. Content. Content.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. No, I'm scared now. Can we get a third in? Let's listen to some hot takes from the listeners so that we avoid steaming each other emotionally.

[Phil Lester]

Take it away, lads.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Hi, I'm Cal from Massachusetts in the United States, and I want to hard launch that Ribena. Tastes really good in White Claw. Specifically the BlackBerry flavor.

[Dan Howell]

What are we doing here?

[Phil Lester]

Have you invented a whole new thing? Wait, we've got it.

[Dan Howell]

What is happening?

[Phil Lester]

This is a surprise.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Let's do it.

[Dan Howell]

All right, let's go. Okay, we have Black Cherry, White Claw, available in the UK here, and Ribena.

[Phil Lester]

I've never had a White Claw.

[Dan Howell]

We will never say a bad word about you.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Where is the sponsorship?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it's the seltzer.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Drink responsibly, everyone.

[Dan Howell]

Hard Mondays with Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, we're gonna try your drink.

[Dan Howell]

There's no fucking way to open Ribena without it going.

[Phil Lester]

It sprays me in the face whenever I do it.

[Dan Howell]

This is the prank, right? Get sprayed for the listeners. I'm sticking my finger in the golden rim of. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Just pull it, pull it, pull it.

[Dan Howell]

Wait, I'm just gonna point it towards Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I did get a bit sprayed in the face then.

[Dan Howell]

That was good asmr, though, wasn't it?

[Phil Lester]

Right, glug her in.

[Dan Howell]

We're doing this for science, right? Ribena ratio.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that's pretty good. So we're gonna dilute the Ribena with the White Claw.

[Dan Howell]

For the Americans that wanna try the Dan and experience, you have to dilute Ribena. You do not drink the raw. Raw cordial, unless you want to get high as a kite. Here we go.

[Phil Lester]

We're mixing. Okay, I'm gonna give you my real reaction to this.

[Dan Howell]

There's no way that this isn't gonna be fucking epic. Here we go.

[Phil Lester]

Cheers.

[Dan Howell]

Cheers, bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Ooh. Ooh, that's good. No, it works, Cal. I see what you're cooking.

[Dan Howell]

Cal, you fruity little thing.

[Phil Lester]

Mm. It's like a mixed berry flavor we've got now.

[Dan Howell]

And you know what? This is completely done. What Eradicated the knowledge that this is an alcoholic beverage.

[Phil Lester]

Dangerous.

[Dan Howell]

There is nothing responsible about this. The syrup has taken it, hidden it. This is now just a gay little Dr. Pepper type thing. Five of these. That's summer. If White Claw wanna sponsor us, we enjoy it.

[Phil Lester]

They've had enough promo now.

[Dan Howell]

White Claw. Wednesdays. Move the pod to Wednesdays. Fucking hell. We should have opened with this. Yeah, for the listeners. Describe it, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Fizzy.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, berry fruity.

[Phil Lester]

A little bit of an alcohol kick. I can tell. It's like a cocktail now with that

[Dan Howell]

thick doubled down berry goodness.

[Phil Lester]

I would put maybe more Ribena in it if I was gonna be really naughty bitch. Really slutty.

[Dan Howell]

Taking you back to your student days. What was a cheeky Vimto?

[Phil Lester]

Cheeky Vimto? Treble vodka Vimto. I used to have drink responsibly, kids.

[Dan Howell]

And what did you get in your English language and linguistics degree?

[Phil Lester]

Let's do the next one.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm Cara. And I'm Taylor. And we would like to hard launch that. This is our second take. And recording a hard launch is a humiliation ritual.

[Phil Lester]

We go to promote antisocial behavior, but

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

we are so antisocial to ourselves, we got too embarrassed listening to our own voices. We refuse to listen to this one. How do you do this as your job?

[Phil Lester]

That is true.

[Dan Howell]

This is a universal experience.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone hates listening to their voice or looking at their faces.

[Dan Howell]

Witnessing a recording of yourself is a disgusting existential horror experience.

[Phil Lester]

And whenever I edit a video, I'm like, I'm very annoying.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine being 2009 Dan Howell, having to realize that I sound like fucking Winnie the Pooh. I thought I was cool and normal and then I am talking like this all the time. I sound nothing like this in real life, by the way.

[Phil Lester]

It never gets better. You just kind of.

[Dan Howell]

What you're looking at right now is 16 years of self bullying about how we're perceived. This is the completely rounded off corners of self perception.

[Phil Lester]

What you have to remember is we're all gonna turn to dust eventually. So you might as well have a good time in life. Next.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Hi, I'm Lena. I'm from Los Angeles and I live on the second floor of my building. And I want a hard launch that every time I'm in the elevator with someone going to a floor higher than mine, I fake a small limp when I get out.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

Not the Dan Howells certified lion limp.

[Phil Lester]

They do a micro Dan every day.

[Dan Howell]

Have fun on the second floor.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like second floor's fine to get the lift. You're all right. First floor, people.

[Dan Howell]

If you do that every day with all of your neighbors, you're not faking a temporary. That's like a permanent injury story.

[Phil Lester]

You could just be like, the dog keeps biting my leg every time. It just won't stop.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm hobbling cause of the dog. Raw dog it. Live your life. Say to people, yeah, I'm lazy. And what to save these legs for something I'm doing inside.

[Phil Lester]

When we used to live on the 14th floor, I was like, I'm gonn walk up this every day. 28 flights of stairs. I did it once and I almost had a heart attack on floor seven.

[Dan Howell]

Be gentle with yourself, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, Jen and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

My name is Ro.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

I'm from New Zealand and my hard

[Phil Lester]

launch is creating a Grindr account purely

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

to vote for the gamer of the year awards.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

I'm getting so many messages.

[Phil Lester]

I create a not safe for work Twitter to sell content. So thanks for funding my job surgery, I guess.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, okay. Whoa.

[Phil Lester]

We got your whole ass career.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil's business scheme. We should sell classes on that. Yeah, vote for Dan and Phil and then become the real you.

[Phil Lester]

You'll get all those Grinder messages.

[Dan Howell]

Blonk. No, Phil. It's Blonk.

[Phil Lester]

Blomk.

[Dan Howell]

Phil wouldn't know.

[Phil Lester]

I would know. I'm on there. Now what? Look, I've had a White claw and I'm feeling.

[Dan Howell]

Phil's had three sips of his 5% alcohol and he is letting it all loose.

[Phil Lester]

Ready for the third?

[Dan Howell]

What else do you think about James Corden?

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. The door's open.

[Dan Howell]

Tell them about the after party in 2016.

[Phil Lester]

The doors open, lads.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Which candle did you sniff? There's no other. Next foe. That's it.

[Phil Lester]

I want more.

[Dan Howell]

You're just having fun now, aren't you?

[Phil Lester]

No. I will have more fun at the after party where we'll finish these White

[Dan Howell]

Claw Ribenas and maybe a single Thorpe.

[Phil Lester]

We need to call it something.

[Dan Howell]

The Purple Claw. That sounds like a.

[Phil Lester]

That's weird.

[Dan Howell]

A disease. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

He did the Purple Claw last night. Did you like it? It?

[Dan Howell]

Who is asking that question? The person in the cuck chair.

[Phil Lester]

The person in my head. My inner thought.

[Dan Howell]

No more White Claw for Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, I'm just gonna Rybie Claw.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. That's so much better.

[Phil Lester]

Claw.

[Angie.com Advertiser]

Bina

[Dan Howell]

Clawbina. I hardly knew her.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, there we go. But wait, before we go. Don't go. We're gonna go away.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Don't say that. They got trauma from the hiatus.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry. Okay. No, we're going away for a week, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Phil can't joke about that.

[Phil Lester]

We're going on holiday for a week.

[Dan Howell]

The prophesied holiday is happening now and

[Phil Lester]

there is not gonna be a why Dan and Phil nearly died video afterwards. It's gonna be chill.

[Dan Howell]

What there is gonna be touch wood is no. Good luck touching wood here. Touch your own noggin, mister. There's not gonna be a podcast episode next week because we're gonna be busy cultivating our next how we nearly died on holiday story.

[Phil Lester]

It's not gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

We'll see.

[Phil Lester]

We'll see. So we'll see you back on the

[Dan Howell]

23rd where Phil will be looking as pink of this back wall.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna be tanned. I'm gonna be tanned with an eight pack after this holiday and a missing

[Dan Howell]

leg from the shark.

[Phil Lester]

No. So if you wanna join us at the after show, come to patreon.com danandphil where we're gonna be getting more links, finishing that.

[Dan Howell]

See what happens. And thank you for joining us on this wet and wild, damp, hard Monday.

[Phil Lester]

Cheers. Have a lovely week.

[Dan Howell]

We'll see you next time. Monster Energy. Everybody knows White Monster, Zero Ultra, that's the og it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing. But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the monster energy punch. So if you've been living in the white can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe and every single one is Zero sugar. Tap the banner to learn more.

[Angie.com Advertiser/Caller]

Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho, look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you. And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross. Work your magic.

[Dan Howell]

30 years ago, blinds.com broke the mold and made custom window treatments easy for everyone. Over 25 million windows later, we're celebrating by giving our customers up to 50% off site wide during our anniversary sale. Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, blinds.com has you covered. Shop online, access real design professionals and get free samples. Thank you for 30amazing years. Shop the anniversary sale now through March 11th and get up to 50% off site wide at blinds.com com with Verbo Care.

[Phil Lester]

Help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists so

[Dan Howell]

support is always available because a great

[Phil Lester]

trip starts with peace of mind.