We 3D Scanned our Naked Bodies

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We 3D Scanned our Naked Bodies
Date: July 27, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

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Episode Overview

In this new chapter of their characteristically unfiltered and chaotic podcast, Dan and Phil dive deep into the experiences that pushed their boundaries—most notably, undergoing a full-body 3D mole mapping which required them to be naked in a futuristic scanner. Alongside musings about adult life, health anxiety, and their signature irreverent banter, the episode explores the unexpected, like snail racing, pet play allegories, and exchanging advice on awkward co-worker crushes. It's an erratic ride through modern anxieties, internet culture, and unexpected vulnerability.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Banter & Personal Routines

• Laptop Handling & Domestic Life:

  • Dan’s careless way of picking up and tossing laptops sparks Phil’s playful intervention.
  • “If it’s a soft surface, there’s nothing wrong with being like, alright, see you later.” – Dan [01:34]
  • “Why you throw me down on the sofa? Ooh, not like that.” – Phil [01:45]

• Changing Moods & Emotional Regulation:

  • Phil describes being uncharacteristically irritated the previous day without knowing why.
    • “Everything was pissing me off, which is rare for me because I’m normally very low key.” – Phil [04:20]
    • They discuss ‘tangry’ (tired + angry) and the need for mindful ice-cream eating to cope.
    • “I cured the anger by eating a mindful Solero...no phones, no screens, sat in the garden fully cross legged and I just licked that tropical goodness.” – Phil [05:52]
  • The struggle of resisting the urge to check online opinions about things you enjoy.
    • “Free yourself from knowing what the hot takes are. Live in your perfect, tepid lake of enjoyment.” – Dan [09:50]

Pop Culture, Opinions & The Internet

• Cinema Experiences & Film Discourse:

  • An amusing recounting of trying not to disturb others with popcorn at a cinema, and commentary on film discourse online.
  • “I’m not a loud popcorn chewer. I literally suck popcorn, so I don’t make noise.” – Dan [08:09]
  • “Everybody shut the fuck up. Yeah, just eat popcorn.” – Dan [09:32]

• Childhood Anxieties That Never Materialized:

  • Whirlpools, quicksand, acid rain, and the Bermuda Triangle: things media made them fear as children that never became real-world concerns.
  • “When I was a kid, I thought I’d be dealing with whirlpools a lot more than I actually have been in my adult life.” – Phil [10:24]

Adult Life: Real Risks & Social Etiquette

• What They Should’ve Taught At School:

  • Actual adult dangers: short passwords, fire alarm batteries, naked TV eBay listings (accidental nudes in reflections).
    • “Flashing your clothless body in a reflection on the Internet. That’s the real danger.” – Dan [12:28]

• Deciphering Social Phrases:

  • An extended bit on how “could do” and “can do” in response to invitations may signal various levels of enthusiasm or underlying rejection.
    • “If you suggest something and someone says, could do, that means, no. They fucking hate you.” – Dan [20:00]
    • “If you’ve got friends in your life, they’re like, yeah, could do. Shut up, we’re all dying. Let’s make the plan.” – Dan [20:42]

Quirky News & Animal Themes

• Viral News Items:

  • Recapping the Norfolk snail racing championship (“Snailer Swift”) and discussing drunk seagulls eating flying ants.
  • “Who is flying from Brazil to England to watch a snail race?” – Dan [12:58]
  • “Seagulls have been acting drunk and causing chaos globally as it’s flying ant season.” – Phil [13:34]

• Internet Animals & Mascots:

  • Jimothy, the short-spined raccoon, rises to internet stardom.
  • “He’s captured the hearts of the world in the form of murals, baseball, mascots, and even tattoos.” – Phil [14:37]

Main Theme: 3D Scanning Their Naked Bodies

• Skin & Health Anxiety:

  • Both get a full-body 3D mole map scan—a hyper-modern approach to monitoring skin health.
    • “You walk into a room and get completely naked. You stand in front of 35 cameras that all take a simultaneous, massively high-resolution photo of your body.” – Dan [27:29]
    • Phil finds he has 327 moles (“the most at risk category of skin you can have”). Dan balks at the idea of being a “supportive partner” who checks moles [28:06].
  • The scan generates a 3D naked model:
    • “It basically scans you into a game, like an actor in a video game. And they say they can give it to you on a USB stick.” – Dan [28:23]
    • “We could 3D print our little naked bodies and put them on the fridge.” – Phil [28:40]
    • Discussion on regrettable viewing angles in 3D and the psychic toll of hyperrealistic self-perception.

• PSA:

  • “If a mole starts looking different, go get it looked at, because that’s bad.” – Phil [29:10]
  • Personal anecdote: Phil’s dad delayed checking a mole, which turned out to be mild skin cancer. [29:22]

Sex, Kink, and Shamelessness

• Pet Play Allegations:
  • Responding humorously to audience prompts about “pet play”.
    • “The fun of pet play is—oh, is this not what we’re doing?” – Dan [23:43]
    • “No shame if part of that appeals to your psychology in any way…” – Dan [25:32]
    • They discuss the role-play aspect, boundaries, and the importance of not kink-shaming.
    • “If you want to be mostly a dolphin and a dolphin trainer, we will not judge you. But don’t flood your house.” – Phil [25:36]

Audience Zone: Listener Hard Launches

• Caller with Stitches:
  • Adrienne from Atlanta bleeding from laughter, advised not to listen post-surgery.
    • “Don’t listen to Dan and Phil with stitches.” – Phil [31:23]
• Podcast as English Study Tool:
  • Federico from Colombia: Using the podcast for advanced English lessons and “converting people into the Dan and Phil cult”.
    • “You gotta have an understanding of the English language so that we can then desecrate it horribly.” – Dan [32:28]
• Co-worker Crush Advice:
  • Freya from Kent: In love with a co-worker, seeks advice on a HR-safe move.
    • “Play it cool at first…maybe play a longer game and not go straight for the one night thing.” – Dan [33:56]
    • “When I look at you my bar graph goes all the way up.” – Dan [33:50]

Other Notable Moments

• Strange eBay Parcel:
  • Phil receives 50 black socks along with vintage Polaroid film from an eBay seller.
    • “Why 50 socks? Why do they have 50 socks just to put in there with the film?” – Phil [30:02]
• UK Political Tangent:
  • Quick commentary on the new UK prime minister’s casual dress code and the demise of the iconic “Lectern Guy”.
    • “I mean priorities. I feel like I’m more interested in Jimothy.” – Dan [18:20]

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Notable Quotes

• “If something’s been in my life for more than five years, I just really struggle to respect it.”
  – Dan Howell [01:40]

• “Live in your perfect, tepid lake of enjoyment.”
  – Dan Howell [09:50]

• “When I was a kid, I thought I’d be dealing with whirlpools a lot more than I actually have been.”
  – Phil Lester [10:24]

• “Flashing your clothless body in a reflection on the Internet. That’s the real danger.”
  – Dan Howell [12:28]

• “If you suggest something and someone says, could do, that means, no. They fucking hate you.”
  – Dan Howell [20:00]

• “It basically scans you into a game, like an actor in a video game.”
  – Dan Howell [28:23]

• “If a mole starts looking different, go get it looked at, because that’s bad.”
  – Phil Lester [29:10]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Laptop Disrespect & Domestic Banter: 01:15 – 02:00
• Solero Mindfulness & Tangry: 04:11 – 06:11
• Cinema Etiquette & Popcorn Philosophy: 07:43 – 09:44
• The ‘Could Do’ / ‘Can Do’ Social Debate: 19:48 – 22:20
• Snail Racing & Drunk Seagulls News: 12:48 – 14:59
• 3D Mole Scanning & PSA: 26:57 – 29:10
• Pet Play Allegations & Non-Kink-Shaming: 23:00 – 25:50
• Audience Hard Launches: 31:03 – 34:36

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Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is enthusiastically erratic, blending irreverent humor, candid oversharing, meta commentary, and supportive sincerity (“No shame if part of that appeals to your psychology in any way…”), with rapid-fire topic jumping and a conversational, best-friends-at-3am vibe.

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Final Thoughts

Dan and Phil’s willingness to nakedly examine both their literal bodies and the weird minutiae of modern life makes this episode a perfect encapsulation of HARD LAUNCH’s promise: scary, messy, and fun truth-telling—with a side of pint-sized plastic printing of your most embarrassing angles.

Transcript

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's warm.

[Phil Lester]

Do you want to do some summer shopping?

[Dan Howell]

I'm in the mood for new, breezy things.

[Phil Lester]

Well, thanks to Quince for sponsoring this

[Dan Howell]

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[Phil Lester]

Well, I've ordered Dan some Italian swim

[Dan Howell]

trunks and we will discuss what makes them Italian. I got a candle.

[Phil Lester]

I can't wait to feel so Italian and breezy.

[Dan Howell]

Quint's is 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they cut out the middlemen with no markup. So this one is for the North American girlies.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to make your summer wardrobe easier and breezier, go to quince.com Dan and Phil for free shopping, shipping and 365 day return.

[Dan Howell]

Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Dan and Phil for free shipping and 365 days of returns, that's

[Phil Lester]

quinns.com Dan and Phil thanks.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride this summer. Find more on Facebook.

[Phil Lester]

This is an intervention.

[Dan Howell]

Dan, not now.

[Phil Lester]

The way you pick up your laptop is offensive.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

What?

[Dan Howell]

This?

[Phil Lester]

Just by the corner of the screen.

[Dan Howell]

Stop it earlier.

[Phil Lester]

You're gonna break it.

[Dan Howell]

It's fine, it's fine. I am a man on the move, so I just gotta do these things.

[Phil Lester]

You're not on the move. You sat on the chair.

[Dan Howell]

Leave me alone.

[Phil Lester]

Also, it's not just that. He just throws it onto the sofa as well when we're home.

[Dan Howell]

Look, if it's a soft surface, there's nothing wrong with being like, all right, see you later.

[Phil Lester]

He just bounced off the chair.

[Dan Howell]

It bounds. If something's been in my life for more than five years, I just really struggle to respect it.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, why you throw me down on the sofa? Ooh, not like that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Also.

[Dan Howell]

What does that mean? Yeah, I like to pick you up by the edge and just discus you.

[Phil Lester]

What edge?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, the Frisbee fic with ph and tumbler near you.

[Phil Lester]

Run.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Three, two, one.

[Dan Howell]

Happy hard Monday.

[Phil Lester]

Happy hard Monday. We got a taxi here today. And for some reason, I developed a really high voice when I Was saying goodbye.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, have you got effeminate goodbye syndrome?

[Phil Lester]

Why did that happen?

[Dan Howell]

It's okay. We're woke in 2026. You say goodbye, however you are.

[Phil Lester]

But normally I'm quite deep. But he was like, she'll drop you off here. I went, yeah, that's okay. I was like, what? Who is that?

[Dan Howell]

You regressed back to being seven when you'd answered the phone and people would think, it's your mum.

[Phil Lester]

I hated that. And I used to have to answer the phone.

[Dan Howell]

Hello, Leicester residents. All right, Catherine, what do you want?

[Audience Member or Caller]

It's Phil.

[Phil Lester]

My dad was like, you've gotta say the full number as well. 226 foreign.

[Dan Howell]

If you do that on our podcast,

[Phil Lester]

I'd say 226409, Phillip speaking.

[Dan Howell]

And they'd still go, you're right, lass.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I said, I'm not doing it anymore. It's your phone. Answer it yourself.

[Dan Howell]

Parents, I don't think you did say that to your dad, did you?

[Phil Lester]

And then I threw him down the stairs by the ears.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it's okay. I don't think the taxi driver's thinking about you.

[Phil Lester]

No. But you know what I'm thinking about? The lava lamp. It's still not working.

[Dan Howell]

Week four, the lava lamp is dead. The sign is dead. One of our TVs in the studio is dead. Each week, a goblin is sneaking around this room, breaking something.

[Phil Lester]

It's crumbling. It's those crystals we bought. They're curse us.

[Dan Howell]

Don't say that. We need what not to sponsor us again.

[Phil Lester]

The fuck Sponsor us with some good crystals next time.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Jesus.

[Dan Howell]

Look, we had a plan to fix it. Basically, it's stuck in the base. So we bought some oil and we were like, right, so you're just supposed to like stick this nozzle in the thing and then you just kind of drip this oil around the lava lamp. And then we had a moment.

[Phil Lester]

I'm too gay to put nozzles into things.

[Dan Howell]

That's offensive. There are competent homosexuals around the world.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not one.

[Dan Howell]

It's not about being gay. It's about being Phil. We are Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

We are.

[Dan Howell]

And we do not trust Dan and Phil to oil a big glass cylinder.

[Phil Lester]

And I didn't want to lube up my nice shirt as well. Mr. Bizarre as well.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

WD.

[Phil Lester]

Oy. This is nice. I wore this to the Chelsea flower shirt, bruh.

[Dan Howell]

So we're gonna get a man in the room or a woman of competent, perfectly handy them.

[Phil Lester]

A competent them.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe because it's not about your gender identity or Sexuality. It's just about being a useless bitch in general.

[Phil Lester]

What we should do is get a stick of Lurpak, run it round the rim, and just give it a good pull.

[Dan Howell]

You think you're funny, don't you?

[Phil Lester]

It's not the first time I said that.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I'm in a good mood today, which is refreshing, because yesterday I was irrationally angry.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was like. You know when a dog is just like.

[Phil Lester]

Everything was pissing me off, which is rare for me because I'm normally very low key.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

I'd say I'm normally quite happy skipping.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, I've never seen you get more than 2 inches off the ground, wobbly and skipping.

[Phil Lester]

But yesterday, why were you so pissed off all day? That's the thing. I don't know. Maybe I had a hormone or something, but something popped up.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh, God.

[Dan Howell]

One of those.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And I was just getting scared. Peeved at little things.

[Dan Howell]

Even you.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, I don't want to look at you.

[Audience Member or Caller]

Ugh.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, let's go through it. Were you hangry?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe a little bit hangry.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what I sometimes get?

[Guest or Additional Voice]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Tangry.

[Phil Lester]

What's that?

[Dan Howell]

When I'm tired.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm just sat. It's usually when I'm on a couch and I've just watched something and I'm like, bed. That's all the way over there. And it's like, I'd rather just sit looking at reels for 15 minutes. Then after 15 minutes, I'm just like. I'm so pissed off. I'm not asleep right now.

[Phil Lester]

Did you notice?

[Dan Howell]

God, I'm so fucking angry. Just sat here and it's like, yeah, I could just walk over to bed and get in it, but it's just

[Phil Lester]

f. Did you notice I even said the C word when we played Mario Kart?

[Dan Howell]

That's usually me.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

You know it's bad when Phil says the C word.

[Phil Lester]

The only other time I've been like this is when I had codeine. I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Prescribed.

[Phil Lester]

Prescribed. No, I had to have it.

[Dan Howell]

Phil has codeine and he gets angry.

[Phil Lester]

That was on a tour bus. And everyone's like, what's wrong with him? He's turned into a monster.

[Dan Howell]

Also, if you don't have coffee before

[Phil Lester]

10:07am well, that's like the millennial thing. Don't speak to me before I've had my coffee. But I can't do that anymore because I can't stop.

[Dan Howell]

Live, laugh, love. Give me my fucking latte.

[Phil Lester]

Well.

[Dan Howell]

Or I'm gonna start choking Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Thankfully, that version of me is gone because I can't have coffee anymore.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, thank God.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Anyway, I cured the anger by eating a mindful Solero. I just went and sat. No phones, no screens, sat in the garden fully cross legged and I just licked that tropical goodness.

[Dan Howell]

So was it tangry? Were you hot? Were you hot, Gris? Were you.

[Phil Lester]

Whatever it was, it melt.

[Dan Howell]

I think maybe you just don't like it work. So you were just sat there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like a dog at the computer. And it was like, I don't identify with this lifestyle.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to do that.

[Dan Howell]

No. I want to be having an ice cream. And so you did it like when

[Phil Lester]

the cavemen just had soleros.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly that.

[Phil Lester]

I just wanted to be like, we yearned for it in our DNA return to nature.

[Dan Howell]

What was the caveman version of Solero? Cause they didn't have none of that.

[Phil Lester]

Just a big stick of dinosaur meat.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Just licking that.

[Phil Lester]

Triceradon. Triceratops.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Tricerabottom.

[Dan Howell]

You can't ask that. No, that's why they went extinct.

[Phil Lester]

Triceracide.

[Dan Howell]

It's hard to find a top in London, is what they say in London.

[Phil Lester]

I thought that was in Barcelona. There's no tops.

[Dan Howell]

And la. There's a real shortage.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

It's because of all the media narcissists that go there.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like this conversation has gone in eight directions.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what I think it was?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

What?

[Dan Howell]

You were angry because you were dehydrated from the popcorn.

[Phil Lester]

I think that's why we had too much popcorn at the Odyssey and you'd

[Dan Howell]

completely failed the Nopisschallenge.

[Phil Lester]

I was bladdermaxing. I was really, really trying not to piss.

[Dan Howell]

Camel core.

[Phil Lester]

And it didn't work.

[Dan Howell]

Wise men. On your back. Where's the fucking baby?

[Phil Lester]

I had nothing to drink.

[Dan Howell]

Keeping the liquid.

[Phil Lester]

I had nothing to drink for four hours before the film.

[Dan Howell]

That's a bit much.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

That's actually a performance to the point

[Phil Lester]

where I had a bit of a headache, but then I had my large drink during it with the popcorn. I think that just went straight through me.

[Dan Howell]

It would, wouldn't it? Like a slip and slide.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And it's a long film. It's three hours. So by the last half an hour, all I was thinking about was, if

[Dan Howell]

I say Zendaya one more time, I'm just gonna rip piss.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just gonna piss. So I need to watch it again now.

[Dan Howell]

It was good Though.

[Phil Lester]

It was so good.

[Dan Howell]

Although we did get tutted.

[Phil Lester]

We got tutted.

[Dan Howell]

Not for speaking. Cause usually I'm the popcorn thrower.

[Phil Lester]

You are that guy.

[Dan Howell]

Someone was like, I can't believe they got popcorn for this. Oh, sorry. We're seeing a Christopher Nolan movie. We can't be eating.

[Phil Lester]

You can't have popcorn.

[Dan Howell]

This isn't just a film. This is cinema.

[Phil Lester]

But that's.

[Dan Howell]

Therefore you can't be chewing on the popcorn.

[Phil Lester]

Where are you going to find popcorn? Anywhere else? It's not like an unusual circumstance, is it?

[Dan Howell]

So I'm not a loud popcorn chewer. I literally suck popcorn, so I don't make noise.

[Phil Lester]

But they're looking at these popcorn fools like we just walked in with.

[Dan Howell]

Look at these bumbling children with their large Cokes and their large popcorns.

[Phil Lester]

Full Burger King or something.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

No, no.

[Dan Howell]

If there's a quiet moment and I've got loads of popcorn in my mouth, I will stop.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And I'll literally go, glands activate until it's liquid. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

With respect, that's what I do. Every silent moment. I stop chewing. I won't want to ruin it with a single crunch.

[Dan Howell]

Respectful.

[Phil Lester]

But do you know what? I wanted to crunch on Matt Damon's biceps. God, he's been working out.

[Dan Howell]

Good for him. And he was supposed to be a stranded sailor.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot of protein in that lotus flower, huh?

[Phil Lester]

He could crush anything. Y.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Good, though.

[Dan Howell]

Which shows that the moral of the story is weird. Right wing grifters are irrelevant and they live in an echo chamber of silence.

[Phil Lester]

What have they been grifting? I don't pay attention.

[Dan Howell]

They hate everything about it.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

For reasons which made no fucking sense.

[Phil Lester]

There's a woman in it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Because I think, you know, as it turned out, the casting was amazing.

[Phil Lester]

There's a trans man in it.

[Dan Howell]

We liked all of the choices for every single reason.

[Phil Lester]

I loved everything about it, but not just that film.

[Dan Howell]

Twitter was being really annoying because I went, oh, look at the armor. Oh, it's not right. Oh, look at the shape of that. Oh, look at the color of that. Well, guess what? You were all having opinions for months based on two pictures, and then you saw the film and everyone's like, oh, it's the best thing ever. Moral of the story. Everybody shut the fuck up.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, just eat popcorn.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly. Shove some popcorn in your mouth and stop worrying about things. Stop worrying because we've got friends that are like, oh, I liked that thing. And then I went on the Internet and I saw these opinions that's Your mistake.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. You need to have your own opinions. Otherwise you are going to turn into a fool.

[Dan Howell]

I think that it can just stress you out sometimes. If you're into a TV show and you just see what people are saying on Twitter and Reddit. Don't live in peace. Free yourself from knowing what the hot takes are. Live in your perfect, tepid lake of enjoyment.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Just basking in the things that you like.

[Phil Lester]

Don't read anything ever.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, maybe. Although I did enjoy. I was gonna say we can't spoil the movie.

[Phil Lester]

Don't spoil it.

[Dan Howell]

It is a story that's been out for a while. Homer really did that and not the Simpsons.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it's stressful out there on the sea, though. Whirlpools.

[Dan Howell]

Who knew that was out there?

[Phil Lester]

When I was a kid, I thought I'd be dealing with whirlpools a lot more than I actually have been in my adult life.

[Dan Howell]

There's so many things that fantasy and adventure novels, they love to sprinkle in. And you're like, fuck. Quicksand.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Is that just out there? If I'm walking the dog, I need a plan for that.

[Phil Lester]

And then you never encountered it? No, I think I almost did in Scarborough. I went down to my shins and I thought it was over. What my friend had to pull me out. It started to suck me down.

[Dan Howell]

Is this a real thing that happened?

[Phil Lester]

No, there's like a dangerous bit of Scarborough where there's quicksand proven.

[Dan Howell]

The Bermuda Triangle. When I was seven and I heard about that, I was like, every time I get on a flight now, I'm gonna have to get a globe and be like, where the fuck is this triangle?

[Phil Lester]

Where's the triangle? And why were they teaching.

[Dan Howell]

We're gonna die.

[Phil Lester]

Why were they teaching us about the triangle in school?

[Dan Howell]

Why do we need to know about that?

[Phil Lester]

Like here, class, we're gonna learn about the death triangle where your plane's gonna fall out the sky.

[Dan Howell]

Deep sea mines. You know, the underwater spiky mines.

[Phil Lester]

Well, that's cause of crash Bandicoot. I thought they were all like video games, movies.

[Dan Howell]

There's fucking mines in the sea. I'm trying to paddle here.

[Phil Lester]

Boom. Acid rain was one I worried about.

[Dan Howell]

Holy shit.

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember that 11?

[Dan Howell]

I hear about acid rain? The fucking what?

[Phil Lester]

The rain is acid.

[Dan Howell]

The rain is gonna do what? To me.

[Phil Lester]

Every time it rained, I was like, is this the time I'm gonna melt?

[Dan Howell]

And I'm not talking about, oh, coastal erosion. When you hear about it the first time, you're like, so we're all just gonna die. We're gonna be out and then we're all gonna melt and it's gonna be really horrible. In reality, none of those things are actually issues.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

What was all that stress about?

[Phil Lester]

So what are some things in actual adult life that they should be teaching you about?

[Dan Howell]

Not looking at your phone when you' that's really 90% of danger.

[Phil Lester]

But we had that. When you're out on the road, don't afraid to see that road stop and turn. Bonnie belly. King of the road.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, you don't fucking remember the words, so it was a headshot. You're going to die. Yeah.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Having a short password. That's what's going to get you.

[Phil Lester]

Don't do that.

[Dan Howell]

Hunter 11. Name of the dog. Titties.

[Phil Lester]

They're out there. Fire alarm batteries. That's something.

[Dan Howell]

Who's fucking remembering that? Nobody. We're all going to die.

[Phil Lester]

Beep beep. Selling a TV on eBay while naked.

[Dan Howell]

The reflection.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, don't do that.

[Dan Howell]

Whirlpools. Quicksand. No. Flashing your clothless body in a reflection on the Internet. That's the real danger.

[Phil Lester]

Don't do it.

[Dan Howell]

Psa.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of things in TV reflections, here's the thing. Talk about slow news day.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Slow.

[Phil Lester]

Snailer Swift has won the snail racing championship in Norfolk, England.

[Dan Howell]

Always fucking England, isn't it?

[Phil Lester]

600 people flew from as far as Poland and Brazil.

[Dan Howell]

Who is flying from Brazil to England to watch a snail race?

[Phil Lester]

I would go to the snail race

[Dan Howell]

if I knew it's the coolest fucking person you've ever met in your life.

[Phil Lester]

The champion beat Christopher Sloane and Snailifer Lopez.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, what would our ones be?

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Phil?

[Phil Lester]

This is bad.

[Dan Howell]

Daniel Slime. Sure.

[Phil Lester]

Snailer did 13.5 inches in 3 minutes and 13 seconds. Am I right?

[Dan Howell]

Friday night, Am I right, brother?

[Phil Lester]

You're gonna do that getting lit off the antacids?

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

And I'm not talking about Tums or Rennies. Seagulls have been acting drunk and causing traffic chaos globally as it flying ant season again. And the formic acid they produce has similar effects to humans consuming alcohol.

[Dan Howell]

Getting letty off the ants. Tippy.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Who knew?

[Phil Lester]

So the seagulls are eating the ants and then getting high.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And then they're just standing in traffic being like, what the fuck? Why don't you fucking seeing me? You look like my girlfriend.

[Audience Member or Caller]

Weird.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly. You should enter that seagull championship.

[Phil Lester]

I have been practicing for next year.

[Dan Howell]

This is gonna be a moment. No, that was a monkey. That was Shit.

[Phil Lester]

That was really so sorry.

[Dan Howell]

That was actually really embarrassing. Quickly, move on. Move on.

[Phil Lester]

All hail Jimothy. All celebrity animal mascots are irrelevant.

[Dan Howell]

Flops. Yep.

[Phil Lester]

Mudang.

[Dan Howell]

Who the fuck is that? Shut up. I bet she's like big and old now.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Nothing wrong with being big and old compared to Jimothy, the short spined raccoon.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

He's captured the hearts of the world in the form of murals, baseball, mascots, and even tattoos. I've seen Jimothy. Jimothy is so cute. It's quite Pokemon esque.

[Audience Member or Caller]

He.

[Dan Howell]

He is quite.

[Phil Lester]

Has Jimothy told you their pronouns might be faye femme? Exactly?

[Dan Howell]

We don't know. I will say quite iconic. Are the tattoos quite quick?

[Phil Lester]

It's quite fast, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And also, like, how long will we be thinking about Jimothy for?

[Phil Lester]

Well, you're gonna be thinking about him forever if you got him tattooed on your ass cheek.

[Dan Howell]

And I am a random tattoo in. I don't like to shame anybody for getting things. Okay. Video game stuff, sentimental stuff. I feel like when it's so fresh and then you get a fucking massive short spined raccoon on you, is it like that might be hard to explain, but who am I to say when people really emotionally resonated with that?

[Phil Lester]

I would rather someone got a Jimothy than what anything else.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

And that was the thing.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

All right.

[Phil Lester]

We've got our zone out music for it now, don't we? Did you appreciate Dun dun dun.

[Dan Howell]

It wasn't about body parts this week. It was more about the animals.

[Phil Lester]

I really enjoy an animal theme and

[Dan Howell]

that's what's happening in the world. Stumpy animals.

[Phil Lester]

Are you thinking of going to a show this summer? Think no more because we're going to help you out. Thank you to the sponsor of today's

[Dan Howell]

podcast, SeatGeek, the number one rated ticketing app.

[Phil Lester]

We love it. Wow. You can have music, festival, sports, comedy.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to join the black parade? Do you want to see whatever massive expensive thing mews have put?

[Phil Lester]

I'd love to see the wow signal, actually, because it's like being slapped in

[Dan Howell]

the face by sex, some lasers and nonsense. Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

And my chemical Romance, the genote is gonna vibrate through you for the rest of the year.

[Dan Howell]

But what if you were seeing the geno and there's a pole in front of you because you sat in a 1 out of 10 seat?

[Phil Lester]

Dan, there are ratings of 1 to 10.

[Dan Howell]

That is so helpful.

[Phil Lester]

The SeatGeek app.

[Dan Howell]

What a way to tell you whether you will get prime Geno Vibrations.

[Phil Lester]

So you can choose one seat. Oh, it's a six. Might miss that one. Wait, there's a nine over there.

[Dan Howell]

And it's cheaper and I can feel it.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

And we're gonna help you out with concert season as you can use the code DANANDPHIL10.

[Dan Howell]

What'd you get for that?

[Phil Lester]

For 10% off your SeatGeek tickets.

[Dan Howell]

That is 10% of tickets with promo code DAN AND PHIL10.

[Phil Lester]

Make sure to click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account. How helpful. How can you use it later?

[Dan Howell]

Thanks. Seatgeek.

[Phil Lester]

Woof. It's warm over here and I'm in my flowy summer era. I want to feel breezy.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, as long as you're covering yourself with something.

[Phil Lester]

Well, thanks to today's sponsor, Quince, who provide well made essential clothing and even homeware accessories.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. What do you like the look of?

[Phil Lester]

I took a look and you know what I ordered?

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Some Italian swim trunks.

[Dan Howell]

What makes them Italian? Well made in Europe.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Dangerously short. Okay, what else?

[Phil Lester]

I got you some black ones as well. Also a green toiletry bag for travels.

[Dan Howell]

Nice and practical.

[Phil Lester]

And they had my favorite sunscreen supergoop, which you can't feel on your face.

[Dan Howell]

I got something because I'm trying to get Phil onto the the taste bandwagon. An heirloom tomato candle.

[Phil Lester]

Oh yeah.

[Dan Howell]

That's breezy, that's summery, that's flowy.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not sure about the smell of

[Dan Howell]

a tomato pizza candle. No, it'll be nice.

[Phil Lester]

I also got some gray sweatpants for tour.

[Dan Howell]

You're not. Okay, we're not talking or allowing the gray sweatpants.

[Phil Lester]

I got them. They're coming. I can't wait to feel so Italian and breezy.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Phil Lester]

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[Dan Howell]

And this one is for the North American girlies.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to make your summer wardrobe easier and breezier, go to quince.com danandphil for free. Free shipping and 365 day returns.

[Dan Howell]

Now available in Canada too. Honk.

[Phil Lester]

That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Dan and Phil for free sipping and 365 day returns, that is.

[Dan Howell]

Quince.com Dan and Phil thanks.

[Phil Lester]

We have a new prime minister that's

[Dan Howell]

also a thing that happened. Yeah. Okay. I mean priorities. I feel like I'm more interested in Jimothy Andy Burnham he's already fucked it.

[Phil Lester]

He's got rid of the podium.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. Performatively relatable politician wants to not do a speech in front of a lectern. That has now robbed us of hot

[Phil Lester]

Lectern guy, hot podium guy.

[Dan Howell]

I'm here for the cat and the jacked Lectern Guy.

[Phil Lester]

What's his job now exactly?

[Dan Howell]

AI, taking people's jobs. And now Lectern dude doesn't even get to do that.

[Phil Lester]

No. He's gonna have to go on some website and do things next to a lectern.

[Dan Howell]

Honestly, the TikTok creator to onlyfans pipeline. I encourage and I support that for Lectern Guy. If he's listening.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

But, okay, yeah. New prime minister. Let's see how good he does.

[Phil Lester]

He's not gonna wear suits.

[Dan Howell]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

Because he's a T shirt lass.

[Dan Howell]

Just a normal man.

[Phil Lester]

I kind of relate to him on that.

[Dan Howell]

He's just an innocent man.

[Phil Lester]

I don't like wearing a suit in general, so I kind of think if you don't have to, don't do it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Andy Burnham should rock up wearing some fuck ass.

[Phil Lester]

Why do you hate this shirt?

[Audience Member or Caller]

Lovely.

[Dan Howell]

Everything that your entire wardrobe is compromised of.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know why you hate this shirt.

[Dan Howell]

I don't hate the shirt. It's lovely. It does look like your skin color. It looks like you got some flower tattoos on you.

[Phil Lester]

That's why you. It looks like I'm naked and I've got flower tits.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

That's what. Well, now you've ruined it.

[Phil Lester]

Let's give him a shot.

[Dan Howell]

Well, I would like the UK to not have a new prime minister for, like, 16 minutes. So let's see how it goes.

[Phil Lester]

Fingers crossed he'll still be here by December. If not be a good person. We can have a green prime minister. Shrek. Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

We were having a debate earlier. If a friend.

[Dan Howell]

Not about politics, about something way more important.

[Phil Lester]

If a friend says could do, when you're talking about a plan, does that mean 100% no. Does that mean, like, fuck your plan? I hate it.

[Dan Howell]

If you suggest something and someone says, could do, that means no. They fucking hate you.

[Phil Lester]

That means no.

[Dan Howell]

They think that you are ugly and stupid.

[Phil Lester]

Not ugly.

[Dan Howell]

And they are disgusted by your suggestion.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to do this? Like I could do. Okay, I'm just going to go cut my eyes out.

[Phil Lester]

That's your inner monologue. But actually, if someone says could do,

[Dan Howell]

it's like, yeah, we could do that.

[Phil Lester]

If you're a freak, could do is worse than no. They're obviously making an excuse. No's like, oh, I'm busy.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I'd rather that it's so devastatingly no that they are coming up with an excuse.

[Phil Lester]

Are we thinking about it too hard, though? And it's actually yes, and we're losing out on anything that could do. Because it might be. They don't want to seem too eager. They don't want to be, like, nonchalant. They're like, yeah, keep going, keep.

[Dan Howell]

I don't have time for that. If you've got friends in your life, they're like, yeah, could do. Shut up, we're all dying. Let's make the plan.

[Phil Lester]

What about can do?

[Dan Howell]

I think that's different.

[Phil Lester]

That feels different.

[Dan Howell]

It's like, oh, yeah, we could. Whereas it's like, we can.

[Phil Lester]

We can.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, we can. Obama says, Friday night. Am I right, brother? Let's do it.

[Phil Lester]

I still don't think we've reached the yes category with can do.

[Dan Howell]

But now we're worrying about if you suggest something and someone says yes, then have you got something that you should be worried about?

[Phil Lester]

Yes is good. Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Whereas, yes, kind of like, whoa, have you done a crime? And you're only coming to this because you need an alibi.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Coming on strong. I like that we are debating about this when we've also got someone in our life that I was annoyed by because I thought they were too good of a friend.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, what does that mean?

[Dan Howell]

This person was too active of a listener.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I see. So they were really like.

[Dan Howell]

And it actually annoyed me. They were making eye contact, they were listening and they were responding to the things that I said with questions that were adding for further detail. And I actually felt like it was too much.

[Phil Lester]

That's someone just being a good friend, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

No, actually. And you know what else?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

What?

[Dan Howell]

They're too decisive.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

We're like, how's about this? And they went, yep, great. It's like, no. Where's the kind of, like, think about it, I don't know, blah, blah, blah. I think I'm just so used to people being like, dunno. What do you think? This person just went, yes. And it scared me.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. I think the problem is us here also. You make it seem like we've got about 9,000 friends on this podcast, when actually you're just rotating the three friends that we have.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Every week when I'm like, so we got this friend that we have four friends and we're just rotating the shit that we talk about them anonymously each week in the hopes that they won't realize could do. Can do. Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Say yes to me.

[Dan Howell]

Pivot. Pivot. Is it too early for Richard? No, no, no. That's Richard now.

[Phil Lester]

Richard.

[Dan Howell]

Richard. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Thank God.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, it's your turn to twist. Whoosh.

[Dan Howell]

It's a pink one.

[Phil Lester]

I love a pink ball.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, hefty crunch 4k, full frame, IMAX bull pop.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

Yo, this is from the audience.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no. Not another arm wrestle. Do a leg wrestle.

[Dan Howell]

It just says pet play.

[Phil Lester]

From who?

[Dan Howell]

From Lawrence. Thanks, Lawrence.

[Phil Lester]

Lawrence wants us to talk about pet play.

[Dan Howell]

We're going there. We're Richard ing the Richard. And it just started. So we got pet play allegations on main once because we did, like, a TikTok trend, but I thought it'd be funny to talk to you like a dog.

[Phil Lester]

Good boy.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. It was giving someone instructions, but they don't know what the task is. But I kept saying good boy, and people were like, I hate this. But then some people were like, I like this. So, yeah, pet play.

[Phil Lester]

Bring him in on a lead.

[Dan Howell]

That would be helpful for you, actually. You know how people have those, like, toddler restraints?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like you need that.

[Phil Lester]

I do struggle with direction sometimes. So I think if we were in a shopping center, you could, like, drag me to the right shop because I'd start walking in the wrong direction.

[Dan Howell]

You just start pissing up people if they smell funny.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah, I do that.

[Dan Howell]

Anyway, I think the fun of pet play is. Oh, is this not what we're doing?

[Phil Lester]

What? Phil, that makes it sound like we do it. The fun of pet play.

[Dan Howell]

Not necessarily.

[Phil Lester]

Woof.

[Dan Howell]

The fun of tax fraud is briefly spending loads of money before it all comes crumbling down.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

We're not doing it. Pet play.

[Phil Lester]

Meow.

[Dan Howell]

No. You've got to commit, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

There's a rhino. Why do people only artistic pet play. Why do people only choose dog or cat?

[Dan Howell]

Allegations. Exotic pet play allegations.

[Phil Lester]

Only pet play. As a rhino or a lesser spotted.

[Dan Howell]

Is it problematic to pet play as an endangered species that shouldn't be kept in captivity? Or are you doing, like, breeding program play?

[Audience Member or Caller]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Not breeding.

[Dan Howell]

We are two rare mammals that must do it, and you can have a dom that's looking after you, being like the park ranger, and it's like. It's not pet play. It's like you're in captivity, but we need to do it, otherwise you're gonna be endangered. So it's really important, then. It's actually important for you to do it.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What about if you fill the room with water. And then it's like, dolphin.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. One of you takes LSD and you pretend to be that scientist lady. Google it. Ultimately, I think it's just hard to be a person.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I think it must be refreshing to be like, today, I am a flying honey badger.

[Dan Howell]

Well, that's like just role play. I think that's tumblrcore.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

But on the most boring level, I think it's like, it's stressful to have a job or to have, like, things to do. And it's also stressful to think and have your own opinions. So for someone to just be like, sit, stay. It's like, oh, that's fun.

[Phil Lester]

Eat out of the dog bowl.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And this is funny because I think if you ask either of us, it's like, I like eating at the dining table.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I don't like being told what to do.

[Phil Lester]

No. I hate being told what to do.

[Dan Howell]

So no shame if part of that appeals to your psychology in any way.

[Phil Lester]

I think we should not kink shame. If you want to be mostly a dolphin and a dolphin trainer, we will not judge you. But don't flood your house. And that's not how we flooded our house.

[Dan Howell]

The forensic investigators coming back.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

About the dolphin play.

[Phil Lester]

I found the dolphin lead.

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Moles.

[Phil Lester]

Moles. We went from mole map futuristic photograph

[Dan Howell]

of our entire bodies, which sounds like a soft launch for an OnlyFans situation, but it's not. We're being proactive about our healthcare because. What's your biggest organ, Phil? Not like that. Disgustang.

[Phil Lester]

Your skin.

[Dan Howell]

Your skin.

[Phil Lester]

I have a lot of moles. I'm actually the most at risk category of skin. Skin you can have apparently so we found this place.

[Dan Howell]

It's like Star Trek. It sounds like we fell for a trick, but this is legit. You walk into a room and you get completely naked.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You then stand in front of 35 cameras that all take a simultaneous, massively high resolution flash photo of your body. And then a computer goes, here are all of the moles on your body. And the idea is you can go back in a couple of years and it will go, that mole has increased in size, blah, blah, blah, this, that, and the other. So we figured that's just, like, good thing to have.

[Phil Lester]

And either way, you should be checking your skin. So I think it's important.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, but, you know, the reason why we're doing this is, you know, it would be like my job. And have you fucking seen this guy? Well, I don't have time for that.

[Phil Lester]

The results tell me how many moles I have on my body. Guess. Guess.

[Dan Howell]

And the freckles don't count?

[Phil Lester]

Well, no, A certain size of a freckle is.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, 80, 327 moles.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I ain't doing that. I'm sorry. I know that if you have a supportive partner, it's like you can go in to check, do help stuff for each other. Nope. Nope.

[Phil Lester]

What they also give you is a 3D version of your own naked body. You can spin around because the photos,

[Dan Howell]

it basically scans you into a game, like an actor in a video game. And they say they can give it to you on a USB stick and you can open it and it's literally your naked body in 3D merch.

[Phil Lester]

No, shoot. We could print them out.

[Dan Howell]

I thought you were gonna give people the USB sticks.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no.

[Dan Howell]

You want the files with a ph.

[Phil Lester]

We could 3D print our little naked bodies and put them on the fridge or something.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, and then people can play Join up the moles on Phil's tin.

[Phil Lester]

Want to see is if you flip yourself upside down and look from that

[Dan Howell]

angle, imagine you're in 3D space down, and you can tilt it around and look up at yourself from the floor. You don't need to know what that angle looks like. No, I think you assume that in life, most people that might have seen you from certain angles, it's like, dark.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe they're not thinking about it too hard. Flash photo. We're being proactive about our health, but at what cost of psychic damage?

[Phil Lester]

But if a mole starts looking different, go get it looked at, because that's bad. And my dad.

[Dan Howell]

Unless your girlfriend is the mole in which Case say, you keep looking the way you are, you freaky little thing.

[Phil Lester]

But, like, my dad had a.

[Dan Howell]

The lights are off.

[Phil Lester]

My dad had a slightly.

[Dan Howell]

Fill the room with dirt.

[Phil Lester]

Stop with the pet play.

[Dan Howell]

Find me.

[Phil Lester]

I'm trying to make a dig. Skin cancer thing. My dad had a slightly different colored mole, and he didn't want to get it checked. And then he went to get it checked, and it was mild skin cancer.

[Dan Howell]

So. Hello, skin.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of photos as well, I ordered some purple Polaroids because I thought it'd be fun to take some purple Polaroids for the tour promo.

[Dan Howell]

Can you even get new Polaroids anymore?

[Phil Lester]

No, it's like a weird, like, ebay listing.

[Dan Howell]

So it was coming from someone's ancient house. I love it when you buy old things off ebay. And it's. Someone died with them, didn't they? Probably, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

It arrived with 50 black socks.

[Dan Howell]

Were they using it for packaging, padding?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Like, we need to protect the film.

[Phil Lester]

But of all things, why 50 socks? Why do they have 50 socks just to put in there with the film?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, that's some Dan Howell shit. I think I do have 50 black socks.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe it was just quite a sinister package.

[Dan Howell]

Did you sniff them?

[Phil Lester]

They were clean.

[Dan Howell]

They were clean.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

They have that factory new smell, but I still. It wasn't like, I need to find something that's already in my house, shove it in the box.

[Phil Lester]

I still didn't want to keep them. Do you know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Like, get some peanuts from the post office. Nah, mean, why do you need the fucking sock?

[Phil Lester]

Sock package.

[Dan Howell]

What are you gonna say on ebay? Thank you came quickly.

[Phil Lester]

Not sure what.

[Dan Howell]

I was haunted by the socks. Yeah, maybe no to that if it

[Phil Lester]

was like two socks, but 50 was a lot.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, are you gonna give them extra? Because now you've just got 50 socks to do whatever you want with.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe puppet play. We need to stop with the play.

[Dan Howell]

Well, if you want me to stop talking, why don't we invite in some special guests?

[Phil Lester]

My favorite people.

[Dan Howell]

This is the part of the show where you get to be Dan and Phil and hard launch the things that you want the world to think about.

[Phil Lester]

My ears are open for you now.

[Dan Howell]

Who do we have today?

[Audience Member or Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. It's Adrienne from Atlanta, Georgia. I want to tell you that you're so funny. You made me split my stitches. I just had surgery on my abdomen, and this is going to be the first podcast episode that I'm going to have to skip because it made me laugh. So hard that now I'm bleeding.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

No.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my gosh. Don't listen to Dan and Phil with stitches.

[Dan Howell]

I guess. Thank you and sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, either that or we've gotta stop being funny. Let's talk about something serious. What's your favorite kind of cement?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know a single thing.

[Phil Lester]

Have you seen any other interesting rocks? Not funny. It's not funny.

[Dan Howell]

Uh, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What? Which one?

[Dan Howell]

I did geography. A level.

[Phil Lester]

Name a Rob. Hilarious. Sedimentary sediment.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking bitch.

[Phil Lester]

We can't do it. Just stop listening.

[Dan Howell]

She's dead.

[Phil Lester]

Stop. No. I hope you get well soon, but

[Dan Howell]

also you're probably not even listening to this right now.

[Phil Lester]

When you are better, maybe listen back when we said get well soon.

[Dan Howell]

And hello, hope you're doing fine and

[Phil Lester]

your abdomen is intact.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Hi, this is Federico from NH Columbia. Hi, I'm an English teacher and I would like to hard launch using the Dan and Phil podcast as a great tool to study advanced English while also converting people into the Dan and Phil cult. Yeah, I would also like to say hi to my student Camilla, who should be watching this episode right now for her homework.

[Phil Lester]

Advanced English.

[Audience Member or Caller]

Hello.

[Dan Howell]

Advanced.

[Phil Lester]

It's definitely advanced. I'd say that much. I'm not sure we're the best teachers, to be honest.

[Dan Howell]

Advanced is the word I think this podcast is. You gotta have an understanding of the English language so that we can then desecrate it horribly.

[Phil Lester]

But we're all for bringing people into the Dan and Phil cult.

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely. So thank you to you for indoctrinating the youth and to your students. I hope you're doing fine. Hopefully you didn't understand everything we said for the last 20 minutes.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, don't talk about pet play.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Audience Member or Caller]

Hello, I'm Freya from Kent and I wanted a hard launch that I'm in love with my co worker and I don't know how to make a HR appropriate move on them. So, as two people who have dated as co workers, what would you recommend that would be above board?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that's quite wholesome there. In love with the co worker.

[Dan Howell]

Would you say we're the people to give advice on this topic?

[Phil Lester]

No, we are not the people. We don't have hr. We are each other's hr. But what would I say? Maybe say, do you want to talk those spreadsheets?

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to spread these sheets?

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God. Over a wine sometime? Why don't we crunch those numbers?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, and you can crunch something else if it goes well.

[Phil Lester]

No, they're in love. It's not about love.

[Dan Howell]

Sorry, I'M so sor.

[Phil Lester]

This is about cute love.

[Dan Howell]

I love your pencil.

[Phil Lester]

Why don't we talk about the spreadsheets while we have a picnic in the park?

[Dan Howell]

When I look at you, my bar graph goes all the way up.

[Phil Lester]

You are filthy. You don't deserve love.

[Dan Howell]

I think you gotta play it cool at first. If you go really hard, I mean literally, and then it goes wrong, that's gonna be hella awkward. So I would maybe play a longer game and not go straight for the one night thing. Unless you're prepared to sit in the consequences.

[Phil Lester]

What about when there's work drinks with everyone? You could then kind of like say, hey, what are you doing later?

[Dan Howell]

Or after the drinks?

[Phil Lester]

Or why don't we get dinner before we go to the work drinks? And then you need to go to HR and just be like disclosing it.

[Dan Howell]

We're disclosing it.

[Phil Lester]

We're in love and we're getting married and we're having five babies. I just saw your future fanifestation. The dog is beautiful.

[Dan Howell]

And the dog is an actual pet that you have.

[Phil Lester]

Lovely.

[Guest or Additional Voice]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

If you want to cleanse your ears or you are trying to get some work done, we're releasing a new.

[Phil Lester]

Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. Yeah, we're releasing a new Lo Fi album. Dan and Phil Beats is back. And you can pre save our soft

[Dan Howell]

launch Lo Fi Beats to start a situationship too.

[Phil Lester]

It's our best lo Fi yet and it has a beautiful album art made by Usagi as well.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

And it includes a lo Fi remake of Hard Monday, the podcast theme which

[Phil Lester]

we're playing a bit of now. Listen to that. Did you hear that? So pre save it and it's gonna be out on July 31st.

[Dan Howell]

And the next time you wanna pretend to be crunching some numbers while imagining that person sat across the desk from you as a mole. This is your soundtrack.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Audience Member or Caller]

Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

Well, if you want more of today and you don't wanna leave us yet, you can come to patreon.com Dan and Phil, where we're gonna go deeper. Hanging out deep for an extra 15 minutes.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you for supporting us over there. We hope that you have a lovely week. Don't try to oil anything up without someone qualified in the room. And we'll see you next time.

[Phil Lester]

Sleep well.