We are not getting sued by BTS

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We are not getting sued by BTS
Air Date: April 27, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

Episode Overview

In this riotously candid episode, Dan and Phil dive into a week spent apart, internet rumors about being sued by BTS, bizarre TikTok takedowns, Phil’s solitary saga with an ant, weird festival adventures, relationship banter, ill-fated culinary experiments, philosophical ponderings, and a deluge of audience-submitted hot takes. It's a whirlwind of chaotic storytelling, affectionate roasts, and unfiltered oversharing—the essence of HARD LAUNCH.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Grip Strengthener and the Art of Oversharing

Dan brings his new gym obsession (a grip strengthener) to the recording, prompting Phil to speculate on its real purpose, leading to a predictably risqué bit about exploding cocks and superhero heroics.

• [01:12] Dan: “I can’t hold things up because of my weak forearms, so I’m training my grip.”
• [01:53] Dan: “So what, Phil? I can explode cocked with my palm. No, what are you saying?”

2. Fan Art Fiasco on Public Transport

Phil recounts awkwardly stumbling upon explicit Dan & Phil "bunny art" while on a packed Tube, triggering discussion about the kind of fan content that ends up on their feeds.

• [03:15] Phil: “My bunny bussy was out.”
• [03:32] Dan: “Phil is straddling me and we’re both only wearing bunny ears…”

3. The BTS Gay Massage Parlor TikTok Incident

The headline topic: rumors swirl after Dan & Phil delete a TikTok involving a “BTS gay massage parlor,” leading some to believe they were served a cease and desist from BTS’ company.

• [04:12] Dan: “TikTok did not like this. … So we deleted it.”
• [04:31] Phil: “People thought, oh my God. Dan and Phil deleted their BTS related TikTok. It must be a cease and desist...”
• [04:56] Dan: “We are pure filth. Phil, this is a disgusting, disgusting podcast.”

4. TikTok Demonetization Woes and Moderation Struggles

With references to mannequins’ butts, platform purges, and being banned for suggestive content, Dan & Phil lament social media’s prudishness.

• [05:03] Dan: “They were like, you’ve got a male mannequin in your studio. Wow. This is just a porn account.”

5. Skiing: Peril, Pride, and Realizations

Dan details a recent ski trip and narrowly escaping injury, his strategy (“accepting that I am shit”), and Phil’s disinterest in ever attempting it—opting instead for après-ski vibes and admiring muscular men.

• [06:26] Dan: “I accepted that I am shit and I didn’t try to look cool or impressive.”
• [07:22] Dan: “Not trying to Gwyneth Paltrow out on the thing. Like, don’t sue Dan from Dan and Phil.”
• [07:31] Phil: “I just want to ride on the back of a hunky man and he skis for me.”

6. Chairlift Terror and Slippery Situations

Dan’s traumatizing recount of chairlift mechanics gives way to Phil’s confusion about gripping “balls” (mishearing “poles”).

• [09:09] Dan: “You’ve gotta go left or right... The cliff! ...Getting onto a chairlift is one of the most fucked up things in the entire world.”
• [10:00] Phil: “Did you say you’ve gotta hold your balls poles? Oh, I’m so confused.”

7. Apres-Ski and the Chalet Life

Phil matches his own enjoyment against Dan’s snowbound misery.

• [10:55] Dan: “Oh my God. He’s a fucking apres ski basic bitch.”

8. Cheese in the Alps and Culinary Culture Shock

The perils of raclette (and Phil’s aversion to cheese) spark a debate about culinary scams and Stone Age dining.

• [13:05] Dan: “It’s Stone Age fondue...they literally just give you a massive fucking block of cheese.”
• [13:32] Phil: “This sounds like a saw trap to me.”

9. EDM Festival Misadventure

Dan stumbles into an unexpected mountain EDM festival, critiques the music, and has a surreal experience with a DJ named Timmy Trumpet.

• [14:34] Dan: “Timmy Trumpet. He’s got a fucking hat and he’s Australian. Had a fucking trumpet.”

10. Phil’s Home Alone: The Ant Saga

Phil’s week at home involves befriending a lone ant that’s possibly stalking him, leading to commentary on solitary living and insect companions.

• [17:41] Phil: “A single ant has been following me around.”
• [18:25] Dan: “Where’s Deck? If you’ve named him, I think it is time to leave…”

11. Airport Bougie Moments & Family Visits

Phil’s lone journey to see family includes a luxury avocado toast at the Louis Vuitton Café and reflections on the hazards of family walks.

• [20:04] Phil: “I had the fanciest avocado toast in my life. … I was set up. I had my Safi and iGuard on the iPad. Aloe vera, vanilla juice.”
• [21:07] Phil: “If we’re going over an hour, that’s a hike. If we’re going over two hours, that’s a marathon.”

12. Hometown Internet Despair

The pair vent about Phil’s parent's ancient “dial-up” internet, threatening never to visit again unless it’s upgraded.

• [23:01] Dan: “Cannot open Instagram in Phil’s parents house.”
• [24:06] Phil: “I’ve given them the ultimatum. … They said, well, now he’s banned.”

13. Philosophizing on Evolution and the Infinite Universe

A listener question steers them into a thoughtful (if chaotically comedic) debate about human consciousness, evolutionary “glitches,” and whether life elsewhere could exist.

• [29:27] Phil: “Is human consciousness an evolutionary glitch?”
• [31:53] Dan: “If the universe is infinite, then right out there, there is another Phil, and he’s even gayer and taller…”
• [32:01] Phil: “I don’t believe the universe is infinite. How can something be infinite? There must be an edge…”

14. Listener Hot Takes: Clits, Object Attraction, and Shrek Nightmares

The episode ends with hilarious, thought-provoking, and sometimes NSFW hot takes from the audience.

• [33:16] Nico (listener): “I’m hard launching British people saying the word clit.”
  • [33:34] Dan: “Give them a real posh clit, Phil Clit. That was the Queen’s English.”
• [34:15] Elle & Aiden (listeners): “We are hard launching that it’s okay to find objects hot.”
• [36:00] Katie (listener): “For about 15 years of my life, I was terrified of Shrek…he skinned my entire family alive and wore their flesh.”
• [36:07] Phil: "Are you gonna be afraid of Shrek if that happens?"

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• [06:26] Dan: “I accepted that I am shit and I didn’t try to look cool or impressive.”
• [13:15] Dan: “...a massive fucking block of cheese. Tom and Jerry ass, giant triangle.”
• [14:34] Dan: “Timmy Trumpet. He’s got a fucking hat and he’s Australian. Had a fucking trumpet.”
• [17:41] Phil: “A single ant has been following me around.”
• [23:01] Dan: “Cannot open Instagram in Phil’s parents house.”
• [33:34] Dan: “Give them a real posh clit, Phil Clit. That was the Queen’s English.”
• [36:00] Katie (listener): “…Shrek skinned my entire family alive and wore their flesh.”

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Notable Listener Contributions

• British People Say ‘Clit’ ([33:16]): An audience member finds this linguistically pleasing; Dan and Phil oblige with posh/northern impressions.
• Objects Can Be Hot ([34:15]): Approval for objectophilia, leading to jokes about ribbed microphones and lava lamps.
• Shrek-Induced Trauma ([36:00]): A listener confesses to a childhood fear of Shrek that veers into the macabre, sparking a discussion about meme culture’s softening of fictional monsters.

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Final Thoughts

Dan and Phil, equal parts self-deprecating and shameless, keep their “hard launch” promise to overshare, swinging between surreal anecdotes, relationship in-jokes, and thoughtful audience engagement. Whether it’s TikTok censorship, existential musings, or accidental EDM raving, the duo riff off each other with irrepressible chemistry and wit.

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Timestamps of Major Segments

• 00:57 Grip strengthener discussion
• 03:08 Fanart on Tube
• 04:00 BTS TikTok rumor explained
• 06:11–09:00 Dan’s ski trip: dangers, Phil’s avoidance
• 13:05 Raclette/rant on Alpine cuisine
• 14:34 EDM festival & Timmy Trumpet
• 17:41 Phil and the ant
• 19:05–21:29 Phil at the airport/LV café/family walks
• 23:01 Hometown internet woes
• 29:23 Listener: Human consciousness an evolutionary glitch?
• 33:16–37:38 Compilation of audience hot takes

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Tone & Style:
Unfiltered, irreverent, affectionate banter; self-mocking; full of random pop-cultural references and sexual innuendo; deeply conversational.

Recommended if you like:
Queer comedy, internet culture, relationship podcasts, spontaneous philosophy, audience interactivity, utter chaos.

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[Patreon Segment Tease]

If you want more (including stories about a gay hostel in Thailand and what’s in Phil’s sock!), check out their Patreon.

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End of summary.

Transcript

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[Phil Lester]

What are you doing? Why'd you bring that?

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Why? Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I'm sorry. Are we. What's wrong? I've got a grip strengthener.

[Phil Lester]

We are recording. Dan has a grip strength training thing and he's bringing it wherever he goes. Now. Why are we strengthening our grip today, Daniel?

[Dan Howell]

Because it's like a gym thing, right? I can't hold things up because of my weak forearms, so I'm training my grip.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, but what you really training your grip for? Like me?

[Dan Howell]

Why do you have a problem with everything? You're just mad cuz you're not doing it.

[Phil Lester]

No, I just want to know what it's for. Like you training for me falling off a cliff and you gotta like catch me. That'd be.

[Dan Howell]

I'm secretly. You got me. I'm training for that scenario.

[Phil Lester]

Opening jars for old ladies.

[Dan Howell]

I'm insecure in my manlihood. I want to be able to open cans like a true trad alpha.

[Phil Lester]

Twist them off.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Or is it for. You know.

[Dan Howell]

Is it for fucking what, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

What do you mean you know?

[Dan Howell]

Did you even finish that thought in your head?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. I'm strengthening the grip of my hand. So what, Phil? I can explode cocked with my palm. No, what are you saying?

[Phil Lester]

I mean. Wait.

[Dan Howell]

Also Phil, this is the Dan and Phil Relationship Hard launch podcast. What are you saying?

[Phil Lester]

Not mine. I don't want you to explode my cock.

[Dan Howell]

Well, then don't just say things. Don't literally just say things.

[Phil Lester]

Fine.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want this anymore.

[Phil Lester]

Now I'll do it.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna keep my wrist limp.

[Phil Lester]

Mine's gonna be strong. Wait. It's hard

[Dan Howell]

until it's exploded and then it's soft forever. Well, speaking of, it's already been a hard Monday for Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of. What? What are you talking about, Cole?

[Dan Howell]

The thing that you looked at on the. Stop saying it.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry. On the tube penis. Oh, I thought I'd like some. Hashtag fanart.

[Dan Howell]

We are trying to appreciate the community of talented artists that we have out there in the Dan and Phil universe.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I was on a very packed tube public people. And the first thing in the fan

[Dan Howell]

art tab, bad algorithm.

[Phil Lester]

A very naked slash blessed algorithm poll. Dan and Phil bunny art.

[Dan Howell]

Our baking inspired some immaculate illustration like talent.

[Phil Lester]

My bunny bussy was out.

[Dan Howell]

We must say. Yeah, this is uncensored only on Patreon. So they're eating glazed bunny buns right now. The rest of you can really just see from the amount of beige on the screen or for the listeners, exactly what you're imagining. Yes.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is straddling me and we're both only wearing bunny ears and I have

[Phil Lester]

been doing squats in this universe.

[Dan Howell]

So thanks to bbstarbunny for your time and talent as an artist.

[Phil Lester]

Today's draw Dan and Phil naked is no. Okay, moving on.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, I'm Dan.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Phil.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm Davis.

[Phil Lester]

We're not doing that anymore. I just want get Davis off the soundboard. No.

[Dan Howell]

So big news.

[Phil Lester]

We weren't sued by BTS or BTS management company. Hybe.

[Dan Howell]

Did you see that? How terminally online are you?

[Phil Lester]

Basically, we had a TikTok where we Talked about a BTS gay massage parlor.

[Dan Howell]

And TikTok did not like this.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Because they don't want us talking about naked men rubbing each other down. And so it flopped. And we thought, oh my God, it's gonna kill our algorithm. So we deleted it.

[Phil Lester]

We did.

[Dan Howell]

And then people thought, oh my God. Dan and Phil deleted their BTS related TikTok. It must be a cease and desist from the management company.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine that.

[Dan Howell]

Stop besmirching their name by talking about the unlicensed unofficial gay massage parlors.

[Phil Lester]

I think it wasn't besmirching their name. I think it was smirching it hard.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I think that it's showing that they are inspir people around the world to do themed off brand massage parties.

[Phil Lester]

I wanted to listen to BTS after seeing that massage.

[Dan Howell]

You wanted the viral 14 hand BTS gay massage and more.

[Phil Lester]

TikTok is so weird. They keep restricting us for everything because

[Dan Howell]

we are pure filth. Phil, this is a disgusting, disgusting podcast.

[Phil Lester]

We even showed our mannequin's ass and they thought it was a real person that showed up.

[Dan Howell]

They were like, you've got a male mannequin in your studio. Wow. This is just a porn account. Oh, he's standing up. Okay, he's getting it. Well, I guess this isn't gonna be a clip going out on socials, is it? TikTok saw this and were like, you're banned for a week. No posting. Naughty Dan and Phil, how is this a real person? Stop smutting. Really?

[Phil Lester]

Don't pass this in Matalan.

[Dan Howell]

Ow. Fucking hell. Jesus. Serves me right.

[Phil Lester]

Cheeks of stone, this guy. He's made out of stone.

[Dan Howell]

It's plastic. It's very cheap.

[Phil Lester]

Oh. So we're being extra careful. If you see us removing things, it's because TikTok hates us.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you, producer Emilia, for removing the naked male torso.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you. We can't talk about being gay.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking cock, weed, alcohol. You know, everything that Dan and Phil, everything we know, frankly, are about on a day to day basis, that's our bio. So thanks for supporting us here on one of the marginally less moderated platforms. Yes, and if you're wondering why we seem so excited to be in each other's company, it's because we spent half of the week apart last week.

[Phil Lester]

Did they say Fivos?

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Absence made the heart to grow fonder.

[Dan Howell]

So I went skiing and I didn't fucking die.

[Phil Lester]

Well done. I'm very proud of you. Like most people die.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, 50, 50. So many people.

[Phil Lester]

They say 75% of people that go skiing die.

[Dan Howell]

That is a stat.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And you know what my secret was?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

I accepted that I am shit and I didn't try to look cool or impressive.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm proud of you. I did say before you left, Dan,

[Dan Howell]

you're not of me for being shit.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Cause I said you're not allowed to show off in front of your friends.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking Rishi Sunak. Do you know what he said? I was trying to show off in front of my kids and then I had a skiing accident.

[Phil Lester]

Don't do it.

[Dan Howell]

You're never gonna impress anyone. Fuck off.

[Phil Lester]

I got a text from Dan that said, this is so hard. You would hate this.

[Dan Howell]

It was in the middle of some fuck ass hill and my legs were hurting and I was like, why is this exercise? I will say, trying to learn to do something as an adult is very upsetting. You are constantly being flexed on by tiny, tiny children who are just going wee down this hill and I'm just going, ha, ha ha. Why don't my knees work? Ha.

[Phil Lester]

And yeah, they're just slaloming around you, huffing and wheezing.

[Dan Howell]

There's a brief period where you're going, oh, sliding down the hill might be fun.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And there's just a lot of fear. There's a lot of death. There's cliffs, there's trees, there's other people. I'm not trying to Gwyneth Paltrow out on the thing. Like, don't sue Dan from Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what I'd like? Do you know people do tandem skydives? I just want to ride on the back of a hunky man and he skis for me. And I enjoy the thrill of the wind in my hair.

[Dan Howell]

Love that you're like, this isn't you, Dan. It's like a hunky man that can ski. That isn't Dan.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to be on you

[Dan Howell]

because he's not hunky and or able to ski.

[Phil Lester]

It's not that you're not hunky. You just said you're not that good at skiing. I want him to slalom.

[Dan Howell]

You said what you said. And we will never recover from this. Sven, you've been watching too many of those Chinese TikTok motorbike videos, and now you just want to hold onto a hunky guy.

[Phil Lester]

I want to hold onto those muscles.

[Dan Howell]

Feels like in Japan. Why don't we go to China? I know what you're doing. You want one of those bike videos.

[Phil Lester]

I really want one. Can we go to China?

[Dan Howell]

We've all seen what's on your TikTok algorithm.

[Phil Lester]

No, but for real, is that not a gap in the market? Piggyback Skiing Situations Limited.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Phil, that's your Dragon's Den Shark Tank moment. I wish you all the best. I will say I missed you.

[Phil Lester]

Did you?

[Dan Howell]

There were moments of just Touch me touch. Where I was like, for the Spotify people. He was just doing a little finger.

[Phil Lester]

He squeezed me until it exploded.

[Dan Howell]

Dan gripped us hard. I shouldn't do that. Sorry. I just gripped the chair and the chair's about to pop.

[Phil Lester]

She's gonna pop.

[Dan Howell]

I did think, though, whilst Phil adds whimsy to every situation, this moment of fun. Why isn't Phil's energy here? I just think you would fucking die.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

It's like, I tried really hard to not get injured for a couple of days. I just don't think you could do it. You gotta have split second decisions. Like, oh, look, there's Gwyneth Paltrow. No. Oh, look, Atrine. No. Oh, look, a cliff. No.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I don't have that kind of thought.

[Dan Howell]

You gotta go left or right. Oh no, the cliff. Oh no. Getting onto a chairlift is one of the most fucked up things in the entire world.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

I feel like it is life or death every single time. Firstly, turnstiles fucked up.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

What? Trying to walk into an asda. What? The fucking spokey things. Walking into it spinning. You got limbs, you got your bags, you got a stick. Ski into a turnstile. What? You've then got to ski slightly downhill into a little block of wood which is keeping your legs back.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And then it automatically opens and you gotta ski into a lane. If you touch another person, they're gonna die and get mauled by a machine.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

And then you gotta like hold your pawls and sit down at the right time. Otherwise you'll get mauled by a machine and pushed off a cliff. And I honestly 70% of the time thought I was gonna fucking die and almost stabbed myself in the eye with a pole. And I just thought.

[Phil Lester]

Did you say you've gotta hold your balls poles? Oh, I'm so confused. You gotta hold your balls. I was listening to that whole thing like where's the balls coming in? You gotta tuck em in.

[Dan Howell]

Ski poles, right? Gripping the ski poles.

[Phil Lester]

Hold your balls. Your poles.

[Dan Howell]

I just. You have the mind of someone who is meant to be a podcaster. I'm not a skier.

[Phil Lester]

I can't rub myself and tap myself at the same time.

[Dan Howell]

And that should really be the litmus test for that. And also driving and several other things. Maybe cooking.

[Phil Lester]

When I was driving, doing driving lessons, I just forgot I was driving. I think that was the issue. I just drifted off in my mind.

[Dan Howell]

I started thinking, yeah, and fuck you. On a roundabout.

[Phil Lester]

I would forget entire streets. So I didn't even witness them in my brain.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that's the thing though. People are driving and you don't really realize you do it because you're in a flow state. I don't think you're in a flow state though. I think you were just in a no state.

[Phil Lester]

Is there anything I'd like about it? Could I sit in a chalet surrounded by other skiers?

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. He's a fucking apres ski basic bitch.

[Phil Lester]

Isn't he drinking my alcohol?

[Dan Howell]

He's got chocolate. You just want to get day drunk at 4 in the afternoon, don't you?

[Phil Lester]

Do you pro skiers judge those guys sat in the chalet, not playing with them?

[Dan Howell]

No, I'm just like crying in a bubble bath trying to nurse my anking joints.

[Phil Lester]

Also, are you hot or cold or both?

[Dan Howell]

So this is the Thing. Both. You're so uncomfortable because rain is hitting you in the face.

[Phil Lester]

It's raining in this ski slope.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And sweating at the same time. Yeah. So imagine being sweaty and cold.

[Phil Lester]

That's horrible.

[Dan Howell]

Also, people kept trying to talk to me in German.

[Phil Lester]

What's wrong with Germans?

[Dan Howell]

Ew. People kept trying to talk to me in German. We were in Austria. That it makes. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

And obviously they probably assumed that I could. And it just really scared me every time because my year nine German. I don't know what to do. Like, what am I going to do?

[Phil Lester]

You just sing that song.

[Dan Howell]

Ein grosse katze.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun dun dun in my.

[Dan Howell]

Not familiar.

[Phil Lester]

Just sing that to them. I'm surprised you've not remembered all your German. Is that just saying three guinea pigs or something? Not very helpful for the ski, Sloan. And I know there's colors of different slopes. What color is your slope?

[Dan Howell]

Skin. I accidentally went on a black run.

[Phil Lester]

No, I said don't do that. You lie.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Eleven. Eleven.

[Phil Lester]

What? The friends don't lie. I did sound like 11, though.

[Dan Howell]

You lied?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Remember Stranger Things?

[Dan Howell]

Remember Stranger Things. What was that about?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. Why did you go against my wishes?

[Dan Howell]

I don't. It's fucking complicated. You're trying to read a map and you're like, I'm just gonna get on this moving peg. And then you're, like, stuck up a mountain. All right, so you're gonna fucking die. I want you to do it. And I missed you, but it's just never happening.

[Phil Lester]

So you see a sign that says death slope, and you're like, okay.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, basically. And also, all the food in the Alps is cheese. It's just cheese. Raclette.

[Phil Lester]

Philophobic.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what it is, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

No, it sounds horrible.

[Dan Howell]

It's a fucking scam is what it is. I side eye and I will be honest. They are delicious places where the gimmick is you cook your own food because they just give you a bunch of raw ingredients, and then they're like, hot pot.

[Phil Lester]

You are the chef.

[Dan Howell]

Barbecue fondue.

[Phil Lester]

So what's the raclette?

[Dan Howell]

It's stone age fondue film. You're not ready for this. They literally just give you a massive fucking block of cheese. Tom and Jerry ass, giant triangle.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

And then they give you two heat lamps and a bowl, like a fucking trough under the cheese. And then a bunch of raw vegetables and potatoes. And you're literally just supposed to watch the cheese melt into a bowl and then just slop it up with a spoon with a raw potato as a cheese hater.

[Phil Lester]

This sounds like a sore trap to me.

[Dan Howell]

You have to just literally enjoy this dinner. Phil's like, no, I'm gonna go for the eye stabbing option.

[Phil Lester]

Just remove my eyes. Jigsaw. It's fine.

[Dan Howell]

One of the most philophobic things I've ever seen.

[Phil Lester]

Tototon

[Dan Howell]

Banger. Do you know what wasn't? Accidentally went to an EDM festival.

[Phil Lester]

How do you accidentally go to an EDM festival?

[Dan Howell]

I didn't know this, but there was literally just some EDM thing happening in the middle of the mountain. And I was like, I'm gonna check it out because I'm a man of culture.

[Phil Lester]

Was that your first EDM experience?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And this is interesting. Ooh, how do I talk about this? I love electronic music.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

When I think of electronic music, I think of justice and Daft Punk.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Arca, Nina Jirachi.

[Phil Lester]

What was this?

[Dan Howell]

A couple of the DJs that were there. The music was a bit like a Yamaha keyboard demo.

[Phil Lester]

I like those keyboards from school.

[Dan Howell]

You're so right. Those have charm and whimsy.

[Phil Lester]

These lacked that, did they?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And then a guy came on. You'll love this. Timmy Trumpet.

[Phil Lester]

Timmy Trumpet.

[Dan Howell]

He's got a fucking hat and he's Australian.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Had a fucking trumpet.

[Phil Lester]

I love that. Did he save the day?

[Dan Howell]

He stood on tables.

[Phil Lester]

Amazing.

[Dan Howell]

He pretended to swig from his sponsored vodka.

[Phil Lester]

Did he let you blow his trumpet?

[Dan Howell]

He played a trumpet and then threw an inflatable trumpet into the crowd.

[Phil Lester]

This is what we're talking about.

[Dan Howell]

And I was like, thank you. Yes. We are letting music play and you are doing things that show me that you are awake and interested.

[Phil Lester]

That's fun.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. We need to talk about the visuals, though.

[Phil Lester]

What were you saying?

[Dan Howell]

Every single fuckassed lovely artist. I just had, like, a giant lady going with a face and I'm like, back up.

[Phil Lester]

What's going on there?

[Dan Howell]

I feel like, depending on what you might have taken, a bit scary, really. Do you? Seeing a giant alien hand come down,

[Phil Lester]

I think that would freak me out slightly if I was on a drug.

[Dan Howell]

Like. Here, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. What's this? Shrek.

[Dan Howell]

This is some good shit. This is what I wanted. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no, he's a demon.

[Dan Howell]

Now that's really scary. He jumped through the letterbox and now he's vomiting on people and it's just. Yeah, like, the vibes are Shrek. I mean, I'd have been a bit.

[Phil Lester]

An exorcism.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That made me feel all Kinds of things. Woof. What would your DJ visuals be, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

The Moomins.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Like color inverted.

[Phil Lester]

No, nice Moomins.

[Dan Howell]

Just full episodes in the Moomins. Literally in the background.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And what would the sounds be?

[Phil Lester]

Whistles.

[Dan Howell]

That sounds fucking crazy. I think I'd love to go to that.

[Phil Lester]

Well, speaking of concerts, thank you to SeatGeek for sponsoring the podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. The whole thing was planned. You made that seem so planned. Sneaky.

[Phil Lester]

Do you want to go to a concert this summer? Well, you've been eyeing up some tickets. We can sort you out last. It's the number one rated ticketing.

[Dan Howell]

You want to see edm, NFL, bbl, bts. Bts. They're not suing us, but they are on tour right now.

[Phil Lester]

Grab a seat.

[Dan Howell]

But Phil, what's the. What seat should I grab?

[Phil Lester]

Well, listen, buster, you can rank them from 1 to 10 in the red to green system. You know, it's a good seat, a mid seat, a bad seat.

[Dan Howell]

I want a green one. Yeah, I don't want that red 10.

[Phil Lester]

You want to be next to Yoongi's face.

[Dan Howell]

That's a green one ticket right there.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that is.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Hell yeah. Concert season is about to kick off and if you want to make it better, use code DAN&PHIL10 for 10% off your SeatGeek tickets.

[Phil Lester]

That's 10% off tickets with promo code DAN&PHIL10. Make sure to click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks, seatgeek girl.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Winter is so last season and now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes. Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders. That perfect hang on the patio sundress. Those sandals you can wear all day and all night. And you've had enough of shopping from your couch. Done. Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic.

[Dan Howell]

So that was Dan's midweek Mountain adventure didn't die.

[Phil Lester]

Meanwhile, I made a new friend in the house. A single ant has been following me around.

[Dan Howell]

When Phil tells me what's happening in my absence, I do get scared for him.

[Phil Lester]

But since you've come mentally and emotionally met the ant. It's not a group of ants. It's definitely one ant. And I've put him outside three times and he just comes back in and he wants to go on my feet.

[Dan Howell]

So you can see. When Phil texted me this, I was like, you need to go visit your family now. No more time inside by yourself. I'm scared. But then yesterday, you were sat minding your business, watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And a single fucking ant crawled up your foot.

[Phil Lester]

It's just that one ant. It really likes my feet, isn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Now, I have been in places where you've had ants in your house, but we don't have ants in our house. There's Ant.

[Phil Lester]

Just Ant. He's called Ant.

[Dan Howell]

Where's Deck? If you've named him, I think it is time to leave and speak to some other people, though. You can't start applying personalities to the ants.

[Phil Lester]

Could I put a little dot of Tippex on his back just to check? It is the same ant, like a sheep.

[Dan Howell]

You can, but I don't know. Yes, sure.

[Phil Lester]

Just till we know. Otherwise, it might be loads of ants that are visiting my feet.

[Dan Howell]

But then what if it comes back and everyone's like, girl, you look fucking great. Where can we get that? And then suddenly the whole colony is there looking to get dipped.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna get sw. Anyway, Dan said I had to leave, so I went to see my family.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God. Yes. And how was that?

[Phil Lester]

Went to the airport. I had a flap without you, Dan. I forgot, like, having you all organized with stuff to do with airports.

[Dan Howell]

Can we, as a community of podcast listeners, Harken. Hark back to merely a few weeks ago where Phil was complaining about what it's like being in an airport with me because I'm talking to him in the queue, and now he's saying that without me there to guide him in a organized and confident manner through the airport, he had a flap.

[Phil Lester]

I miss that part of you. I don't miss where you're at asking me about the Smurfs while I'm about to check in. And then I think, I've got a bomb.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I went to the Louis Vuitton Cafe. I felt like such a classy bitch.

[Dan Howell]

Terminal 2. Firstly, who the fuck is buying all these designer clothings at an airport?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Have you ever seen a single person, but do they just wait for one millionaire to come in and be like, I'll get the 20,000 pound bag? And they're like, thank fuck that pays for our three employees that stand there all day doing nothing and rent for the next six months.

[Phil Lester]

I treated myself scam to a fancy

[Dan Howell]

cafe Louis vuitton in Terminal 2. Heathrow decided to build a tiny cafe for no reason next to their bag shop. And I think Phil's the first person to ever go in it.

[Phil Lester]

Well, it's very expensive. I had the fanciest avocado toast of my life.

[Dan Howell]

Look at it, it's monogrammed.

[Phil Lester]

I was set up. I had my Safi and iGuard on the iPad.

[Dan Howell]

You know how to fucking live.

[Phil Lester]

Aloe vera, vanilla juice.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that sounds a bit weird.

[Phil Lester]

It was a bit weird.

[Dan Howell]

Stodgy.

[Phil Lester]

I felt very.

[Dan Howell]

You were living your best life.

[Phil Lester]

Sophisticated.

[Dan Howell]

You recovered from the ant.

[Phil Lester]

Empty cafe. They sat someone right next to me.

[Dan Howell]

Why would they do that? It's so weird. It's like for us trying to serve customers. It's easier the more bunched up. You are.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want this date to be next to me. I've got my iPad and my toast and I'm trying to just have a private moment here.

[Phil Lester]

Don't have to listen to Linda and Geoff's marriage problems.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, fuck. Just get divorced somewhere else.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

I don't need that shit. Go away. I'm with you.

[Phil Lester]

So that took away some of my bougie atmosphere, but you made it. I made it.

[Dan Howell]

How was the family vibe? Did you regress?

[Phil Lester]

Their favorite activity is going for walks.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so sor.

[Phil Lester]

And I think about 35 minutes is my prime walk in time and then I'm done. Done?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. When people say, let's go for a walk, you really need to clarify what their idea of a walk is.

[Phil Lester]

If we're going over an hour, that's a hike. If we're going over two hours, that's a marathon.

[Dan Howell]

That's a near death story that you might not recover from.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not down for that.

[Dan Howell]

But if someone said, do you want to come on a hike, implying a one hour plus walk, you would say, no, no, go ahead. So if someone says, I'm going for a walk, you're thinking 20 to 38 minutes.

[Phil Lester]

20 minutes. Have a picnic. 20 minutes. Perfect ratio.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I respect that. There's logic to that.

[Phil Lester]

Also, I feel like I've become more northern just because I've been around northerners again.

[Dan Howell]

When you go back, you start to talk like you're back in the north.

[Phil Lester]

Hello, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Hello.

[Phil Lester]

Welcome back from the slopes. Did you see any snur?

[Dan Howell]

Snur.

[Phil Lester]

Gross.

[Dan Howell]

Moment you learned to shut the fuck up.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

How did you grow, Phil? What did you experience that made you grow?

[Phil Lester]

I grew. Normally. I'm a cone guy. Yeah. I tried getting a tub you're talking about ice cream.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Right, Yeah, I just like, what is a cone guy? What is this kink? I'm so scared.

[Phil Lester]

Went to the gelato place. I was like, I always get sticky hands from a cone. Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You make a goddamn mess. I've seen it. It's quite upsetting to be around actually.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't get the soft serve whippy. I went for the gelato and I got a tub.

[Dan Howell]

How mature of you going for the gelato.

[Phil Lester]

Sophisticated. Simon, over here.

[Dan Howell]

Get a tub.

[Phil Lester]

It was worse.

[Dan Howell]

Ooh, that is a brave take.

[Phil Lester]

I missed the cone.

[Dan Howell]

You're. Oh, really? Why? Cones are whimsical and I'll always go for one because I want to feel like I'm always a cone at heart.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

But then unless it's conerto and it has chocolate at the bottom, I get halfway through a cone and I'm like, wow. Now that I've eaten the ice cream, I'm just gnashing on this absolutely ass tasting cardboard triangle like a beaver. You are enjoying the ice cream.

[Phil Lester]

You are not. The crappy cone and it drips all over your hand.

[Dan Howell]

The drips.

[Phil Lester]

But I think the combo of cone and ice cream still better. That was my experiment. Okay, I'm glad that's not interesting at all.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, you are living your best life.

[Phil Lester]

Hey guys.

[Dan Howell]

Here I am seeing Timmy trompet slopes and you are thinking about cones.

[Phil Lester]

What's wrong?

[Dan Howell]

No, I can vouch for visiting Phil's family out of the city is a fun experience. I spent Christmas with them. It is nice going for a 20 to 40 minute walk.

[Phil Lester]

My biggest bugbear is they've got dial up Internet still.

[Dan Howell]

I will not go back to Phil's family's house until they have fucking sorted the Internet. I don't have the place to say this. I can't.

[Phil Lester]

They're just like, oh, it's just so much effort to change. Maybe next year. Like it's one email. You literally, you just click a button.

[Dan Howell]

Cannot open Instagram in Phil's parents house.

[Phil Lester]

It's really bad.

[Dan Howell]

It just doesn't load.

[Phil Lester]

Thankfully I can tether to my phone.

[Dan Howell]

I tried to text Phil and it just like it goes ooh. And then the bar stops.

[Phil Lester]

They start to listen to the modem noise when they open the Internet.

[Dan Howell]

And I said, Phil, you need to do something because I don't actually think I could survive returning with that.

[Phil Lester]

I've given them the ultimatum. I've said, Dan doesn't want anything to do with you. And they said, well now he's banned.

[Dan Howell]

So that's it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, you're banned.

[Dan Howell]

You didn't say that, did you? Did you convince them to upgrade though?

[Phil Lester]

I said if it's not there by Christmas, there's gonna be harsh words

[Dan Howell]

and Dan will say the words.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of words, here's the thing. Bland bitches rejoice. Forget rose. If you're sad like Dan, get gray wine.

[Dan Howell]

Right, so this is. Calm down. It's. But they made it with red grapes where they try to not touch the skin, which causes the maceration, which causes the color.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

And it's supposed to taste like crisp and cleaner.

[Phil Lester]

And it's cheaper like Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

What?

[Phil Lester]

I thought it'd be like metallic gray. It's just clear. This is boring.

[Dan Howell]

It's grey wine, Summerfield. Didn't you get the memo?

[Phil Lester]

Gray wine? Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Are you tired of having fun being a girl? Well, don't worry. If you need attention like me, you can just identify someone that drinks grey wine.

[Phil Lester]

Okay? Welcome to my house. Have a glass of grind. Sausage snatcher. A red kite in southern England has been pictured double fisting sausage rolls.

[Dan Howell]

Local inhabitant John Oxenham believes that they were taken from his mother in law because, quote, she makes them in a particular fashion. They're slightly pale.

[Phil Lester]

Mmm.

[Dan Howell]

Loves your gray sausage pastry. He is taking them to drop them into the fires of Mordor. I think because of how fucking horrible those sausage rolls look.

[Phil Lester]

That eagle is uncooked. That eagle is recycling.

[Dan Howell]

Is looking at them like, I don't want this. I prefer something dead on the side of the motif.

[Phil Lester]

These eagle babies are gonna die if they eat that. Why are there so many photos of this eagle?

[Dan Howell]

Someone got out the telescopic lens and was like, it's my shot of the lifetime. I'm gonna be National Geographic with this one. Scenes we've never seen. It's like a hippo eating a lion. It's like a meerkat gang bang. And now I've got the rare double sausage roll. English kite.

[Phil Lester]

That could be.

[Dan Howell]

You came, Mark Hopkins. It was in focus.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

You did it.

[Phil Lester]

It could be the new Greggs logo. Let's mix it up. Hawks chews vegan sausage rolls.

[Dan Howell]

Nine out of ten times.

[Phil Lester]

You better believe it.

[Dan Howell]

Not a gay sauna story.

[Phil Lester]

A California insurance scam saying luxury cars were attacked by bears were foiled when it was revealed it was obviously a man in a bear suit.

[Dan Howell]

How fucking stupid are some people? I'm not trying to be rude to the people that got arrested for this.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, you just called them fucking stupid.

[Dan Howell]

It is so obviously just a person in a bear suit.

[Phil Lester]

And they've got these.

[Dan Howell]

These claws that are just completely straight comb things. And the inside of this Rolls Royce, just a bunch of, like, perfectly straight raked lines.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

Like, ah, yeah. The police and the insurance company who you're trying to get, like, $150,000 out of are gonna go, yup, real bear. Real bear broke into the car and just really fucked that thing up. And honestly, good for them.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they were trying out being a furry and they were just too scared to admit it, and now they're in an insurance jail.

[Dan Howell]

Bit of carplay. Yeah. You know what I mean? You start off with a little inkling for a yiff, and then you end up in the penitentiary.

[Phil Lester]

Yiff, yiff, yiff. Thank you.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

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[Dan Howell]

Hey, everybody. My name is Bob the Drag Queen. And I'm Monet X Change, and we are the host of Sibling Rivalry. This is the podcast where two best friends gab, talk smack, and have a lot of fun with our. Our black queer selves.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, for sure. You know, we are family, so we talk about everything, honey, from why we don't like hugs to black Lives matter to interracial dating, to other things. Right, Bob?

[Dan Howell]

Yes. And it gets messy, and we are not afraid to be wrong. So please join us over here at Civic Bribery, available anywhere you get your

[Phil Lester]

podcast, you can listen and subscribe for free. For free. Honey.

[Dan Howell]

What a world.

[Phil Lester]

What a week.

[Dan Howell]

Richard, help.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Wait, she's got the neurofen.

[Phil Lester]

My Nurofen, my ibuprofen.

[Dan Howell]

Richard, are you a drug dealer?

[Phil Lester]

Richard's got a headache.

[Dan Howell]

Richard came in with the Nurofen Express earlier. Phil was like, I feel a headache coming on. And then it just frisbeed them out of the room directly onto Richard. No respect, right? You have to crank this one.

[Phil Lester]

Crank him hard.

[Dan Howell]

Get in there. What has she got today? Oh, is it another yellow ball? I'm gonna fucking. Shh.

[Phil Lester]

It's a blue ball with a yellow hat on, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what happened there. They're breeding. We have.

[Dan Howell]

Thanks.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

I'm Ready? This is a viewer one.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I'm really excited. You guys give us the best topics.

[Phil Lester]

This is from Niovi. Who said, is human consciousness an evolutionary glitch? Oh, someone called Brian Cox, who someone said I look like. Do you think I look like Brian Cox?

[Dan Howell]

I do. See what that's about.

[Phil Lester]

Do you think he's hot? It's just never like that nerd.

[Dan Howell]

Delphi.

[Phil Lester]

It's never like you look like Ronaldo, is it? It's like you look like Professor Brian Cox.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. A lot of people said Benedict Cumberbatch for you. And he's hot. In a specific way.

[Phil Lester]

Specific way. Anyway. Do you think human consciousness is an evolutionary glitch?

[Dan Howell]

I think that lots of animals are smart.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Like, monkeys are basically people, and so are some dogs, and then some dogs are really dumb. And the same is applied to people. You know how you get some dogs that fully look you in the eyes, they know exactly what you're thinking and feeling?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You can train service dogs to help people live their entire lives. They work at farms. You get parrots that speak English. And then some dogs, you look at them and they're just going, yeah, it's true. There is nothing happening in that Chihuahua.

[Phil Lester]

Sticking out their tongue.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I think if we didn't have consciousness as humans, would we be more successful as a species? It'd just be like fighting, fucking flopping, babe.

[Dan Howell]

Hot take. That is exactly what is happening right now.

[Phil Lester]

But it'd be just like kind of.

[Dan Howell]

We are delusional. We are just still fighting and fucking, and we're telling ourselves a load of stuff that, oh, we've got all these complicated feelings and I've got a job to go to and I'm gonna wear some clothes and it's like, no, no, I'm gonna kill this thing because it's got the thing that I want. I'm scared. They're in my space and I need to eat something. And also I feel a need to have sex.

[Phil Lester]

But we wouldn't be making nuclear weapons.

[Dan Howell]

The only people that can say that they are conscious, I think, are asexuals.

[Phil Lester]

I think the best hack to finding out what it'd be like to not have consciousness is just to scroll TikTok. Because time goes away after an hour. You're just like, where was I? Who am I?

[Dan Howell]

Phil, are you done having a shower yet? We've got a podcast to plan.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm on the bed in my towel and it's four o'. Clock.

[Dan Howell]

And you bought 17 labubus of the pop mart. TikTok live. Yes. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

What I thought was interesting was Brian Cox did a talk on how rare it is that life exists on Earth, and I think he said it took 2 billion years for this to form and this could have been a rare occurrence. Right. So what if we are so rare that that happened? Maybe there's no life out there because the goo to make life.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, but Phil, if the universe is infinite, then right out there, there is another Phil, and he's even gayer and taller and paler on a male podcast.

[Phil Lester]

I don't believe the universe is infinite. How can something be infinite? There must be an edge. I'm just saying it's like it doesn't make sense.

[Dan Howell]

I'm on team.

[Phil Lester]

I think it's expanding.

[Dan Howell]

It's not a glitch. It's inevitable. Everything's a coincidence. And also, we're not even that special. And you're on team. The universe has an edge. We are special. Nothing's infinite. I am the only Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I think I am the only Phil. But there are other, like, large giraffe style aliens out there. Do you know what I mean? They're not humans.

[Dan Howell]

And I. And I'm Davis.

[Phil Lester]

Cause they say if the universe is infinite, there will be a Phil and a Dan doing a podcast right now. But we've got each other's faces. And you're straight.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Whoever took the fetibull is having the worst week of their life right now.

[Phil Lester]

Our ears are penises, our toes are penises. Your hand is a ass. Like, everything is possible.

[Dan Howell]

That's a sick EDM visual that's out there.

[Phil Lester]

That's what that theory says. Your face is a belly button.

[Dan Howell]

Well, let's listen to them right now. We ask you to send in your hot takes on whether the universe is infinite or not. And let's see what the people of the community that draw us as bunny boys on each other's laps have to say.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Hello, my name is Nico, I'm from

[Dan Howell]

Taiwan, and I'm hard launching British people saying the word clit.

[Phil Lester]

That's it. Just British people saying the word clit.

[Dan Howell]

Is this one of those, like, everything sounds nicer if it comes from a suitably British mouth?

[Phil Lester]

I think the more posh your voice is, the more nice it's going to sound.

[Dan Howell]

Give them a real posh clit, Phil Clit. That was the Queen's English. You didn't have to go full Elizabeth

[Phil Lester]

Windsor, but then if you're up north, it's clit.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Charles.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, you're not doing Diana Clit. No. Oh, My God, they're gonna put us in the dungeon. Object.

[Dan Howell]

British people do. They do say it in their lives.

[Phil Lester]

We do say it. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I think we, for some reason do say it more often than we should. We should say it less on this podcasting. Straight people and. And lesbians and other people do say it.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. It's a word that's in our vernacular.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, I hope people are. And if not, you should say it more often. Next. Hi, I'm Elle from Pennsylvania.

[Phil Lester]

Hi, I'm Aiden from Maryland.

[Dan Howell]

And we are hard launching that. It's okay to find objects hot.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Short and sweet. I think objects can be hot. This is quite a sexy microphone.

[Dan Howell]

It is.

[Phil Lester]

Look at its ridges.

[Dan Howell]

It's phallic. It's bulbous.

[Phil Lester]

Look at its bulb.

[Dan Howell]

It's ribbed for their pleasure.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, yeah. Would you sit on that?

[Dan Howell]

Would I sit on the microphone? No, Phil, it would ruin the podcast. It's expensive.

[Phil Lester]

It would.

[Dan Howell]

The lava lamp. Oh, come on. This is like. This is Roman. It's Greek. It's the thing that they talk about in books.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

It's hot.

[Phil Lester]

It's bloody.

[Dan Howell]

It's the type of thing where you go, an ancient emperor did that because he was scared of his masculinity and killed 10,000 people.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa. This is my child. I can't find this hot.

[Dan Howell]

We're not gay. We're not objectifying the emo axolotl.

[Phil Lester]

That was the emo axolotl.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, That's. That's a no hard launch logo. Fuckable.

[Phil Lester]

That's fuckable points. I would marry that.

[Dan Howell]

This is non binary because it's round and spiky. It's edgy and soft.

[Phil Lester]

What about your grip trainer aggressive.

[Dan Howell]

Dom Top mask energy. But I guess the question is, is it like thinking I can see a sexual use for that object?

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no. It's about falling in love and finding

[Dan Howell]

it when someone's like, I'm marrying the river. Someone's like, I love the lava lamp.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like that's gon of. We're not judging anymore. People are marrying rivers, bridges, trainers, socks.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You date. Everything was a great example of that.

[Dan Howell]

Get Ben Starr to voice an object.

[Phil Lester]

I wanted to have sex with that door open.

[Dan Howell]

Can.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what I mean? Swing. Ding dong. Letterbox. Next. Hi, my name is Katie. I'm from Nova Scotia.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, hey.

[Dan Howell]

I'm hard launching that.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

For about 15 years of my life,

[Dan Howell]

I was terrified of Shrek.

[Phil Lester]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Because when I was three, I had a nightmare that he skinned my entire family alive. And wore their flesh.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, that's fair. Are you gonna be afraid of Shrek if that happens? This reminds me of Tyler Oakley that was scared of ET because he used to have dreams that ET Was peeing into his mouth. Do you remember that?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. He's glad you're bringing that up again.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Sorry, Tyler, do you know when people

[Dan Howell]

like fandoms, they take a character and they always reduce their evil qualities because they find them kind of hot.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Like, people know that Phil is an evil cannibal vampire and they'll be like, no, Phil is just a silly, goofy guy. And it's like, that's not the character.

[Phil Lester]

No. So that's what they think about Shrek.

[Dan Howell]

Are we forgetting the Shrek lore? He is an ogre.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

He probably did skin your family. Like, collectively as a society, we've memed Shrek. We've softened him. And yeah, I know that he's like, been on a journey and he's fine, but he's an ogre, ok? And loving Shrek and being a Shrek fan is accepting him for being an ogre. It's not just saying he's a funny green guy and he's a civilized person. No, he is an ogre. You should be scared of Shrek because to be honest, in a pre Shrek one world, he would have skinned your entire family.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

So can we have more respect for the Shrek lore, please?

[Phil Lester]

We still have that Shrek porn book in our toilet.

[Dan Howell]

There is a Shrek paperback piece of erotica called get in My Swamp.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And we've got it stacked between Menswear Dog and Humans of New York. Just so that when people come around and they go, oh, it's a stack of generic books. Didn't see that one, did you? I ask about it. You naughty. You've read it?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, back to back.

[Dan Howell]

What happens?

[Phil Lester]

What doesn't happen?

[Dan Howell]

Okay, on that note, well, there's no saving this one. Aren't you glad that we're back together? See what a few days apart and a threat of near death and an ant will do to a relationship.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, Phil, Ant, signing off. Unless you are coming to the Patreon, where I'm gonna be checking my sock to see if the ant is still there. I've got a question about a gay hostel in Thailand, so we're gonna talk about that.

[Dan Howell]

I look forward to that stuff that you can't say on YouTube. Definitely not.

[Phil Lester]

TikTok patreon.com Dan and Phil to join

[Dan Howell]

the party and we will see you next time. Thanks, everyone. And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy in the is bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on

[Dan Howell]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married.

[Phil Lester]

Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Dan Howell]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Phil Lester]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.