HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We didn't die on holiday!!!!!!!!

Released: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

Episode Overview

In this riotously candid episode, Dan and Phil return from their holiday in Vietnam—alive, tanned, and eager to overshare every chaotic detail. True to their new podcast’s ethos of “unhinged and unafraid,” they recount their misadventures (and near disasters) in travel, spa treatments, sunburn conspiracies, and existential musings, all interspersed with their signature banter, listener confessions, and gleeful oversharing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Holiday Curse Strikes Again...Almost

[01:00–02:00]

• Dan opens with a tongue-in-cheek “announcement” that Phil died on holiday, spinning a wild story involving cliffs, a hot guy, a dog, and Haribo before revealing it’s all a joke.
• Phil interrupts: “What are you doing?”
  Dan: “I’m just kidding.”
  Phil: “He’s alive.”
• Both confirm: "We didn't die."
• They joke about returning with “no missing limbs”—Phil claims, “In fact, I got a new one.” (01:53)

2. Sun, Moisture, and Tans

[02:03–02:15]

• Dan and Phil revel in being back from Vietnam, celebrating their slightly improved complexions.
  Dan pokes fun at Phil’s “porcelain to ivory” skin, Phil compliments Dan’s “healthy face”—Dan attributes it to “the pink light.”
• Phil: “We wanted some beautiful scenery. And Vietnam...it was beautiful.”
• The longing for humidity: “We craved that moisture...My lips were like, I can't do this anymore, Dan, please.” (02:28)

3. Departure Drama: Taxi Tantrums

[03:24–04:46]

• The trip starts poorly: their taxi driver scolds them for being six minutes late despite prior notice.
  Phil: “You're the first person I'm seeing on my lovely holiday trip and you’re being an absolute twat.” (03:44)
• Dan observes how Phil carried the drama into vacation: “Phil was sat there like this...I was ruminating on that. I was on my sunbed in Vietnam like, fuck that guy.” (04:30–04:34)

4. Airport Anxieties & ASMR Security Checks

[04:55–05:43]

• Dan offers Phil “airport security ASMR” to manage his stress, whispering calming things...until he whispers, “You don’t have a bomb.”
• Phil: “That made me stressed slightly. Either way, it was more serene.” (05:17)
• Their mutual airport neuroses come up: “The only bomb was my bomb ass outfit.” —Phil (05:31)

5. The Surreal Flight to Vietnam & SIM Card Adventures

[05:43–08:52]

• They mock the flight crew for putting everyone to bed at 11am.
  Dan: “I felt like they were taking away my agency as a human being.” (06:18)
• Plane highlights: “Day drinking. I was twinking, blinking.” —Dan (06:56)
• Upon landing, Phil immediately acquires a “Saily” eSIM so “I’m gonna have a margarita and I’m gonna nap”—they shill their sponsor but poke fun at myriad SIM card shop options. (07:37–08:52)

6. First Impressions: K-Pop Gay Massage Mystery

[09:30–10:50]

• Dan notices a “K Pop Massage” place with a BTS billboard and wonders: “Is it just like a goon cave of music videos?... Imagine seven hands on—oh my God.”
• Phil: “We should have gone in for the content...We went to the BTS gay massage parlour. Here’s what happened.” (10:25–10:33)
• They instead opt for a “legit” couples massage at their resort.

7. Couples Massage Chaos

[10:45–15:43]

• Spa forms ask, “What parts of you can we touch?” Phil declines feet due to ticklishness; Dan says, “all of me.”
• Massages include foot baths: “A lady started sliding her finger in between each of my toes...I got so ticklish...” —Phil (12:18–13:08)
• Phil kicks the bucket (literally).
  Phil: “If someone touches my feet, I will kick them in the face. It’s an involuntary…” (13:26)
• The massage features unexpected slapping:
  Dan: “She proper slapped me in the tits.” (14:14)
  Phil: “You got mega slapped.” (14:21)
• Dan suffers through “medium” intensity which turns into “physical torture” and claims, “It was one of the worst hours of my life.” (15:24–15:30)

8. Sights, Tastes, and (Regrettable) Durian

[16:09–17:24]

• They gush over Vietnamese cuisine—banh mi, pho, BBQ.
• Dan bravely tries durian ice cream:
  Dan: “It smells like footy dead people bum...I went in fully wanting to be open minded, and you were not...It was a bit weird.” (16:45–17:09)

9. Bar Cocktails and Avoiding English People

[17:28–18:57]

• The resort’s “creative” cocktails include a coral reef concoction that “tasted like it had been licked by a crab.” —Phil (17:39)
• Beach serenity is shattered whenever English tourists are nearby.
  Dan: “Nothing ruins a holiday more than hearing other English speakers.” (18:06)
• Phil: “We had to move our spot on the beach because I was like, I can’t listen to them today.” (18:38)

10. Vacation Rivalry & Instagram Stalking

[19:02–21:18]

• A “hot, fit, fun” gay couple arrives, and Phil feels “frame-mogged.”
  Phil: “They were hot, they were fit, they were funny, they were chatting to everyone.”
• Dan teases Phil for doomscrolling Instagram to learn about them.
• Phil tries to pose for a “sassy umbrella photo” by researching influencer posts. (21:09–21:18)

11. Sunburn & Low-Stakes Conspiracies

[21:26–22:45]

• Phil gets badly sunburned and suspects the “factor 50” sunscreen he bought cheaply online was actually mayonnaise or salad cream.
• Dan contributes: “I think that Apple makes AirPod cases slippy so that people drop them and then have to buy more.” (22:14)
• Phil’s: “I think there’s less than 8 billion people in the world. I’ve had too many coincidences...” (22:47–23:32)

12. Social Faux Pas Abroad

[23:42–25:27]

• Dan’s “toxic trait” of talking about people loudly in public backfires:
  Dan (lamp incident): “That lamp is so fucking bright.” (24:47)
  Phil: “They literally heard you.” (24:56)
• Dan realizes: “I just really forgot that other people can hear or understand me.” (25:06)

13. Accidental Hotel Nudity

[25:35–26:32]

• Phil jumps out of the bath naked when room service arrives (“full D and the full A”), resulting in mortification.
  Dan: “Formal apology to the room service guy.” (26:30)
• The room service staff address them as “Mr. and Mr. Lester,” sparking jokes about married names.

14. Jet Lag & Relationship Dynamics

[28:21–29:41]

• Jet lag has Phil up at 4:30am—Dan teases Phil’s inability to let someone sleep: “When Phil wakes up, you wake up.”
• TMI ensues: “Letting out the heaviest piss stream you’ve ever heard in your life...” —Dan (29:01–29:08)
• Some existential “Staircase” owl murder paranoia.

15. The Joy (and Fire Risk) of Extension Leads

[33:48–35:03]

• Both always pack extension leads for travel (“One each”). Phil shares his “extension into extension” near-electrical-fire mishap.
• Dan: “If you’ve got a fucking 16 gang plug, you’re probably gonna set fire to the hotel. But it is worth it.” (33:54–33:59)
• Discussion veers into moth trauma and “the light” metaphors.

16. Listener Hard Launches

[35:34–38:58]

• Laughing at Funerals: Carly confesses she can’t help but laugh at funerals.
  Phil is supportive: “If I had a funeral, I’d want people to laugh.” (35:56)
• Tall People at Concerts: Leigh argues that general admission concerts should be sorted by height.
  Phil: “That is fair.” (36:54)
• The C-Word in America: Cameron hard-launches support for using "cunt" in the US as in the UK/Australia.
  Dan praises Cameron’s diction: “You really put the T in cunt. And that's how you say. That's not like, 'that was cunty.' You're just going, 'you're a cunt.'” (38:17)
  • Phil obliges and calls Dan “a cunt” on air, then feels instantly guilty. (38:42–38:47)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dan (On the holiday's running disaster theme):
  “Well, I’ve got some bad news. Phil, he didn’t make it. There was a cliff, and then this really hot guy and a dog...” (01:00)

• Phil (About the “moisture” in Vietnam):
  “We craved that moisture. My lips were like, I can’t do this anymore, Dan, please.” (02:28)

• Dan (At the airport):
  “The only bomb was my bomb ass outfit.” (05:31)

• Phil (Massive ticklish trauma):
  “If someone touches my feet, I will kick them in the face. It’s an involuntary—” (13:26)

• Dan (On English tourists):
  “Nothing ruins a holiday more than hearing other English speakers.” (18:06)

• Phil (On other gay resort guests):
  “They were hot, they were fit, they were funny, they were chatting to everyone...” (19:27)

• Dan (Sunburn conspiracy):
  “That was mayonnaise. They gave you a bottle of salad cream and you were sat there just going, slip, slap, slop.” (21:41)

• Dan (On the “slippy” AirPod case theory):
  “Let’s lube that shit up, get it wet. Extra greasy AirPod cases.” (22:22)

• Dan (After getting caught insulting a fellow diner):
  “I just really forgot that other people can hear or understand me.” (25:06)

• Listener Cameron (On the C-word):
  “Sometimes someone is just being a real cunt. And there’s no other way to put it.” (37:47–38:08)

Useful Timestamps

| Segment | Time | |---------|-------| | Taxi/TSA drama & flight | 03:24–06:05 | | Moisture, scenery, Vietnam impressions | 02:12–02:46 | | Plane weirdness (forced sleep) | 05:43–06:16 | | Saily eSIM fuss | 07:37–08:52 | | K-Pop Gay Massage billboard | 09:30–10:50 | | Couples massage chaos | 10:45–15:43 | | Durian fiasco | 16:42–17:24 | | Annoying English tourists | 18:04–18:57 | | Rival gays & doomscrolling | 19:02–21:18 | | Sunburn conspiracy | 21:26–22:45 | | Apple Airpod case conspiracy | 22:14–22:43 | | Social faux pas with lamp | 24:47–25:19 | | Accidental nudity | 25:35–26:32 | | Jet lag woes & TMI | 28:21–29:41 | | Listener confession: funerals | 35:45–36:07 | | Listener: concert height fairness | 36:39–37:41 | | Listener: "cunt" in America | 37:43–38:58 |

Tone & Style

Dan and Phil’s signature interplay is quick-witted, slightly self-deprecating, and deeply affectionate, peppered with British cultural references, in-jokes, and oversharing that fans adore. The episode is fast-paced, packed with layered asides, playful one-upmanship, and confessional moments. The structure is loose yet flows naturally, moving from travel chaos to spa mishaps to philosophical (and not so philosophical) musings with ease.

Summary

Returning from their Vietnam holiday, Dan and Phil serve up an episode brimming with their classic chaotic humor. From grumpy taxi drivers and airport neuroses, to questionably relaxing massages, awkward tourist run-ins, and existential conspiracy theories, they leave no vacation memory unexplored. Listener submissions bring laughter and catharsis to taboo topics—from funeral giggles to social language boundaries—while the hosts’ unfiltered commentary and relentless self-mockery are on full display. If you want unvarnished travel tales, hilariously unguarded moments, and refreshing takes on queer relationship dynamics, this is quintessential HARD LAUNCH.