We didn't die on holiday!!!!!!!!

Summary

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HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We didn't die on holiday!!!!!!!!

Released: March 30, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

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Episode Overview

In this riotously candid episode, Dan and Phil return from their holiday in Vietnam—alive, tanned, and eager to overshare every chaotic detail. True to their new podcast’s ethos of “unhinged and unafraid,” they recount their misadventures (and near disasters) in travel, spa treatments, sunburn conspiracies, and existential musings, all interspersed with their signature banter, listener confessions, and gleeful oversharing.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Holiday Curse Strikes Again...Almost

[01:00–02:00]

• Dan opens with a tongue-in-cheek “announcement” that Phil died on holiday, spinning a wild story involving cliffs, a hot guy, a dog, and Haribo before revealing it’s all a joke.
• Phil interrupts: “What are you doing?”
  Dan: “I’m just kidding.”
  Phil: “He’s alive.”
• Both confirm: "We didn't die."
• They joke about returning with “no missing limbs”—Phil claims, “In fact, I got a new one.” (01:53)

2. Sun, Moisture, and Tans

[02:03–02:15]

• Dan and Phil revel in being back from Vietnam, celebrating their slightly improved complexions.
  Dan pokes fun at Phil’s “porcelain to ivory” skin, Phil compliments Dan’s “healthy face”—Dan attributes it to “the pink light.”
• Phil: “We wanted some beautiful scenery. And Vietnam...it was beautiful.”
• The longing for humidity: “We craved that moisture...My lips were like, I can't do this anymore, Dan, please.” (02:28)

3. Departure Drama: Taxi Tantrums

[03:24–04:46]

• The trip starts poorly: their taxi driver scolds them for being six minutes late despite prior notice.
  Phil: “You're the first person I'm seeing on my lovely holiday trip and you’re being an absolute twat.” (03:44)
• Dan observes how Phil carried the drama into vacation: “Phil was sat there like this...I was ruminating on that. I was on my sunbed in Vietnam like, fuck that guy.” (04:30–04:34)

4. Airport Anxieties & ASMR Security Checks

[04:55–05:43]

• Dan offers Phil “airport security ASMR” to manage his stress, whispering calming things...until he whispers, “You don’t have a bomb.”
• Phil: “That made me stressed slightly. Either way, it was more serene.” (05:17)
• Their mutual airport neuroses come up: “The only bomb was my bomb ass outfit.” —Phil (05:31)

5. The Surreal Flight to Vietnam & SIM Card Adventures

[05:43–08:52]

• They mock the flight crew for putting everyone to bed at 11am.
  Dan: “I felt like they were taking away my agency as a human being.” (06:18)
• Plane highlights: “Day drinking. I was twinking, blinking.” —Dan (06:56)
• Upon landing, Phil immediately acquires a “Saily” eSIM so “I’m gonna have a margarita and I’m gonna nap”—they shill their sponsor but poke fun at myriad SIM card shop options. (07:37–08:52)

6. First Impressions: K-Pop Gay Massage Mystery

[09:30–10:50]

• Dan notices a “K Pop Massage” place with a BTS billboard and wonders: “Is it just like a goon cave of music videos?... Imagine seven hands on—oh my God.”
• Phil: “We should have gone in for the content...We went to the BTS gay massage parlour. Here’s what happened.” (10:25–10:33)
• They instead opt for a “legit” couples massage at their resort.

7. Couples Massage Chaos

[10:45–15:43]

• Spa forms ask, “What parts of you can we touch?” Phil declines feet due to ticklishness; Dan says, “all of me.”
• Massages include foot baths: “A lady started sliding her finger in between each of my toes...I got so ticklish...” —Phil (12:18–13:08)
• Phil kicks the bucket (literally).
  Phil: “If someone touches my feet, I will kick them in the face. It’s an involuntary…” (13:26)
• The massage features unexpected slapping:
  Dan: “She proper slapped me in the tits.” (14:14)
  Phil: “You got mega slapped.” (14:21)
• Dan suffers through “medium” intensity which turns into “physical torture” and claims, “It was one of the worst hours of my life.” (15:24–15:30)

8. Sights, Tastes, and (Regrettable) Durian

[16:09–17:24]

• They gush over Vietnamese cuisine—banh mi, pho, BBQ.
• Dan bravely tries durian ice cream:
  Dan: “It smells like footy dead people bum...I went in fully wanting to be open minded, and you were not...It was a bit weird.” (16:45–17:09)

9. Bar Cocktails and Avoiding English People

[17:28–18:57]

• The resort’s “creative” cocktails include a coral reef concoction that “tasted like it had been licked by a crab.” —Phil (17:39)
• Beach serenity is shattered whenever English tourists are nearby.
  Dan: “Nothing ruins a holiday more than hearing other English speakers.” (18:06)
• Phil: “We had to move our spot on the beach because I was like, I can’t listen to them today.” (18:38)

10. Vacation Rivalry & Instagram Stalking

[19:02–21:18]

• A “hot, fit, fun” gay couple arrives, and Phil feels “frame-mogged.”
  Phil: “They were hot, they were fit, they were funny, they were chatting to everyone.”
• Dan teases Phil for doomscrolling Instagram to learn about them.
• Phil tries to pose for a “sassy umbrella photo” by researching influencer posts. (21:09–21:18)

11. Sunburn & Low-Stakes Conspiracies

[21:26–22:45]

• Phil gets badly sunburned and suspects the “factor 50” sunscreen he bought cheaply online was actually mayonnaise or salad cream.
• Dan contributes: “I think that Apple makes AirPod cases slippy so that people drop them and then have to buy more.” (22:14)
• Phil’s: “I think there’s less than 8 billion people in the world. I’ve had too many coincidences...” (22:47–23:32)

12. Social Faux Pas Abroad

[23:42–25:27]

• Dan’s “toxic trait” of talking about people loudly in public backfires:
  Dan (lamp incident): “That lamp is so fucking bright.” (24:47)
  Phil: “They literally heard you.” (24:56)
• Dan realizes: “I just really forgot that other people can hear or understand me.” (25:06)

13. Accidental Hotel Nudity

[25:35–26:32]

• Phil jumps out of the bath naked when room service arrives (“full D and the full A”), resulting in mortification.
  Dan: “Formal apology to the room service guy.” (26:30)
• The room service staff address them as “Mr. and Mr. Lester,” sparking jokes about married names.

14. Jet Lag & Relationship Dynamics

[28:21–29:41]

• Jet lag has Phil up at 4:30am—Dan teases Phil’s inability to let someone sleep: “When Phil wakes up, you wake up.”
• TMI ensues: “Letting out the heaviest piss stream you’ve ever heard in your life...” —Dan (29:01–29:08)
• Some existential “Staircase” owl murder paranoia.

15. The Joy (and Fire Risk) of Extension Leads

[33:48–35:03]

• Both always pack extension leads for travel (“One each”). Phil shares his “extension into extension” near-electrical-fire mishap.
• Dan: “If you’ve got a fucking 16 gang plug, you’re probably gonna set fire to the hotel. But it is worth it.” (33:54–33:59)
• Discussion veers into moth trauma and “the light” metaphors.

16. Listener Hard Launches

[35:34–38:58]

• Laughing at Funerals: Carly confesses she can’t help but laugh at funerals.
  Phil is supportive: “If I had a funeral, I’d want people to laugh.” (35:56)
• Tall People at Concerts: Leigh argues that general admission concerts should be sorted by height.
  Phil: “That is fair.” (36:54)
• The C-Word in America: Cameron hard-launches support for using "cunt" in the US as in the UK/Australia.
  Dan praises Cameron’s diction: “You really put the T in cunt. And that's how you say. That's not like, 'that was cunty.' You're just going, 'you're a cunt.'” (38:17)
  • Phil obliges and calls Dan “a cunt” on air, then feels instantly guilty. (38:42–38:47)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dan (On the holiday's running disaster theme):
  “Well, I’ve got some bad news. Phil, he didn’t make it. There was a cliff, and then this really hot guy and a dog...” (01:00)

• Phil (About the “moisture” in Vietnam):
  “We craved that moisture. My lips were like, I can’t do this anymore, Dan, please.” (02:28)

• Dan (At the airport):
  “The only bomb was my bomb ass outfit.” (05:31)

• Phil (Massive ticklish trauma):
  “If someone touches my feet, I will kick them in the face. It’s an involuntary—” (13:26)

• Dan (On English tourists):
  “Nothing ruins a holiday more than hearing other English speakers.” (18:06)

• Phil (On other gay resort guests):
  “They were hot, they were fit, they were funny, they were chatting to everyone...” (19:27)

• Dan (Sunburn conspiracy):
  “That was mayonnaise. They gave you a bottle of salad cream and you were sat there just going, slip, slap, slop.” (21:41)

• Dan (On the “slippy” AirPod case theory):
  “Let’s lube that shit up, get it wet. Extra greasy AirPod cases.” (22:22)

• Dan (After getting caught insulting a fellow diner):
  “I just really forgot that other people can hear or understand me.” (25:06)

• Listener Cameron (On the C-word):
  “Sometimes someone is just being a real cunt. And there’s no other way to put it.” (37:47–38:08)

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Useful Timestamps

| Segment | Time | |---------|-------| | Taxi/TSA drama & flight | 03:24–06:05 | | Moisture, scenery, Vietnam impressions | 02:12–02:46 | | Plane weirdness (forced sleep) | 05:43–06:16 | | Saily eSIM fuss | 07:37–08:52 | | K-Pop Gay Massage billboard | 09:30–10:50 | | Couples massage chaos | 10:45–15:43 | | Durian fiasco | 16:42–17:24 | | Annoying English tourists | 18:04–18:57 | | Rival gays & doomscrolling | 19:02–21:18 | | Sunburn conspiracy | 21:26–22:45 | | Apple Airpod case conspiracy | 22:14–22:43 | | Social faux pas with lamp | 24:47–25:19 | | Accidental nudity | 25:35–26:32 | | Jet lag woes & TMI | 28:21–29:41 | | Listener confession: funerals | 35:45–36:07 | | Listener: concert height fairness | 36:39–37:41 | | Listener: "cunt" in America | 37:43–38:58 |

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Tone & Style

Dan and Phil’s signature interplay is quick-witted, slightly self-deprecating, and deeply affectionate, peppered with British cultural references, in-jokes, and oversharing that fans adore. The episode is fast-paced, packed with layered asides, playful one-upmanship, and confessional moments. The structure is loose yet flows naturally, moving from travel chaos to spa mishaps to philosophical (and not so philosophical) musings with ease.

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Summary

Returning from their Vietnam holiday, Dan and Phil serve up an episode brimming with their classic chaotic humor. From grumpy taxi drivers and airport neuroses, to questionably relaxing massages, awkward tourist run-ins, and existential conspiracy theories, they leave no vacation memory unexplored. Listener submissions bring laughter and catharsis to taboo topics—from funeral giggles to social language boundaries—while the hosts’ unfiltered commentary and relentless self-mockery are on full display. If you want unvarnished travel tales, hilariously unguarded moments, and refreshing takes on queer relationship dynamics, this is quintessential HARD LAUNCH.

Transcript

[Angie.com HVAC Guy]

Why have I asked my h vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[Dan Howell]

Make it quick, young man.

[Phil Lester]

Aw.

[Dan Howell]

See?

[Angie.com HVAC Guy]

Pop Pop trusts you.

[Angie.com Advertiser]

I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust. Define the ones you trust find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[Angie.com Contractor]

why have we asked our contractor we found on angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Advertiser]

No. Sorry. I do basements. Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. And Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].

[Dan Howell]

okay, we need to talk. You might know there is a running joke that every time Dan and Phil go on holiday, there's an incident. Well, I've got some bad news. Phil, he didn't make it. You see, there was a cliff, and then there was this really hot guy and a dog. A hot guy with a dog. And then he dropped some Haribo, and. And you know what Phil's like. He's a sweet guy, and he tripped. And his face. Oh, God, his face.

[Phil Lester]

What are you doing?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, hi.

[Phil Lester]

You already recorded.

[Dan Howell]

I'm just kidding.

[Phil Lester]

He's alive.

[Dan Howell]

I wasn't soft launching my life insurance stunt.

[Phil Lester]

Dad, Hi. We didn't die.

[Dan Howell]

We didn't die.

[Phil Lester]

Yay. No missing limbs.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God.

[Phil Lester]

In fact, I got a new one.

[Dan Howell]

Story time.

[Phil Lester]

Hello.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, everybody.

[Phil Lester]

Welcome back to a hard Monday.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil are back from their holidays.

[Phil Lester]

We're so tanned.

[Dan Howell]

He's gone from. Look how bronze I porcelain to ivory.

[Phil Lester]

You've got a bit of a glow, though. How all feel?

[Dan Howell]

That's the pink light.

[Phil Lester]

No, you've got. You've got a healthy face.

[Dan Howell]

It feels like you looked unhealthy. You looked sick last week.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we went to Vietnam. We wanted some warmth. We wanted some.

[Dan Howell]

We wanted some wet air.

[Phil Lester]

Moisture.

[Dan Howell]

We craved that moisture. My lips were like, I can't do this anymore, Dan, please.

[Phil Lester]

And immediately you got moist lips.

[Dan Howell]

Look at me now.

[Phil Lester]

Look at them. They're so healed. We don't have to do that Aquaforce spawn anymore.

[Dan Howell]

Also, we're Healed. We're not peeled.

[Phil Lester]

We wanted some beautiful scenery. And Vietnam. It was beautiful.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Plants, drinking, people with my eyes.

[Phil Lester]

Food.

[Dan Howell]

Hell yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I wanted all of them inside me.

[Dan Howell]

You made it weird. I don't know what to say. But we had a lovely time and we survived.

[Phil Lester]

Can you tell that I'm more loose now?

[Dan Howell]

You've got your brain back.

[Phil Lester]

I've got my brain back.

[Dan Howell]

You are checked back in, fully switched and ready to make content for your supportive audience.

[Phil Lester]

I say that I am very jet lagged, so I'm sorry for anything that is about to come.

[Dan Howell]

She likes to plant flags. I'm planting a flag to flag things ahead of time.

[Phil Lester]

I'll flag you ahead of time. Should we set the scene, though?

[Dan Howell]

So in the beginning, where did we go? We can't tell this as if it's a terrifying story time.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no.

[Dan Howell]

But maybe the whole thing is.

[Phil Lester]

It did start off badly because we had a rude taxi driver that shouted at me.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, that's so dramatic.

[Phil Lester]

He shouted at me.

[Dan Howell]

So we booked a taxi to take us to the airport. With our suitcases.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil messaged the guy and said, I know our pickup was 9:30am we just need two extra minutes. We'll be with you any second.

[Phil Lester]

We got to the taxi at 9:36 and he said, 9:30, mate. I was like, you're the first person I'm seeing on my lovely holiday trip and you're being an absolute twat. I almost said, fuck your taxi, I'm gonna walk to Heathrow.

[Dan Howell]

I do think he chose to start a fight for no reason at all.

[Phil Lester]

Just chill out.

[Dan Howell]

First thing he was doing that day and he chose violence straight away. It was so early for that. And over what? What's he gonna do? Cancel the gig? Okay, yeah, go cancel this. What? 50 quid trip to the airport because you want to take someone up the road for 10 pounds.

[Phil Lester]

Four minutes is not late is my hot take.

[Dan Howell]

Especially if you message them saying, I'm so sorry. We will be with you shortly.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

But I will say I didn't really care. I was in holiday mode. Phil was seething. Phil was sat there like this.

[Phil Lester]

I was ruminating on that. I was on my sunbed in Vietnam. Like, fuck that guy.

[Dan Howell]

I can't believe that taxi driver said. Said, why you late?

[Phil Lester]

Right, let's not give him any more negative airtime. Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You've only given him a week of your fucking life. It's gone. Is it?

[Phil Lester]

But you know who was a good boy? Good boy. Dan was a good Boy. Because in the airport, he was lovely and not annoying. When I was going through security, y'

[Dan Howell]

all might remember last week, Phil was like, don't talk to me during security. So I was like, fine, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm only gonna make nice noises. So I gave him airport security asmr.

[Phil Lester]

We were walking through the security and Dan was whispering in my ear going, calm, shh, relax.

[Dan Howell]

I was going, it's going to be okay.

[Phil Lester]

At one point you did go, you don't have a bomb. And I was like, dan, you can't

[Dan Howell]

say that I whispered it in your ear.

[Phil Lester]

I know, but that made me stressed slightly. Either way, it was more serene.

[Dan Howell]

You didn't have a bomb?

[Phil Lester]

No, I didn't have a. I mean, I did not.

[Dan Howell]

And answer that as if you did now.

[Phil Lester]

I think I did.

[Dan Howell]

There was no reason to be so suspicious there.

[Phil Lester]

The only bomb was my bomb ass outfit.

[Dan Howell]

Okay? I was glad you just didn't say something about your ass there. My bomber, we survived the journey. It was a day flight. Long, long day flight to Vietnam.

[Phil Lester]

It was like 13 hours. But you know what was weird? We got on the plane at 11am

[Dan Howell]

Dived, dived. We got on the plane at 11am

[Phil Lester]

Rest in peace, Catherine O'.

[Angie.com HVAC Guy]

Hara.

[Phil Lester]

We got on the plane at eleven a.m. and after an hour, they gave us the food. And they were like, right, everyone's going to sleep now. Good night.

[Dan Howell]

They turned off the fucking lights on the plan.

[Phil Lester]

I felt like a toddler in daycare who is napping.

[Dan Howell]

I know that there's international clients on this flight, but in no fucking time zone do you turn off the lights at midday.

[Phil Lester]

They're like, get tucked in, everyone go to bed.

[Dan Howell]

I felt like they were taking away my agency as a human being.

[Phil Lester]

It was weird.

[Dan Howell]

What do you think you're doing? Do you think you just woke up? Do you think you've had your coffee? Well, guess what, bitch? Sleep time. Off you go.

[Phil Lester]

I opened the window and the steward was like, sir, can you close that?

[Dan Howell]

I'm sorry, no. It's dark.

[Phil Lester]

It's bedtime. Close this.

[Dan Howell]

Can I not look at London as we fly over it? No, bedtime. Time for beddy bye byes.

[Phil Lester]

You will not. I thought I could have seen a dolphin out the window, but fuck that.

[Dan Howell]

In the English Channel. What?

[Phil Lester]

There's been a dolphin in the Thames. Dan, you know what?

[Dan Howell]

That is so true. Any marine life can get so lost.

[Phil Lester]

I think it was a whale.

[Dan Howell]

Some fucking thing that wasn't meant to be there.

[Phil Lester]

And you could have Seen it, but we were excited. I had three drinks on the plane. I was lit by the time we got there.

[Dan Howell]

Day drinking. I was twinking, blinking.

[Phil Lester]

I was twinking out.

[Dan Howell]

It's like tweaking, but when you're gay.

[Phil Lester]

I was.

[Dan Howell]

Girl, I had so many buzz balls on that flight. I was twinking.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Watched Formula one. I thought I was in it.

[Dan Howell]

Best picture nominee.

[Phil Lester]

Meh. It was a three and a half out of five.

[Dan Howell]

I thought we were in our. We're not allowed to have opinions about movies. In case somebody tweets. The directors of the movies don't do that.

[Phil Lester]

Someone's gonna message Brad Pitt and he's gonna punch me in the face.

[Dan Howell]

And he might.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what was great?

[Dan Howell]

What was great?

[Phil Lester]

When we landed, I opened my phone, I loaded up. Saily,

[Dan Howell]

are you silly?

[Phil Lester]

You are the sponsor of the podcast today. Thanks, Saily.

[Dan Howell]

I am not even joking. We landed in Vietnam and the first thing you're greeted by is wall to wall SIM card shops. You see this here is Phil holding the Saily app. This is the moment that he said, you know what I'm doing? I'm going straight to the hotel, I'm gonna have a margarita and I'm gonna

[Phil Lester]

nap because it's stressful. Going to a SIM card shop and you're like, I don't know what to choose.

[Dan Howell]

Am I getting bamboozled?

[Phil Lester]

Am I getting scammed?

[Dan Howell]

How do I do this? I get out the little pin, I pull it out, I drop my SIM card on the floor, someone eats it.

[Phil Lester]

All you need to do is get on it, select your country, scroll through

[Dan Howell]

the many, many lists of which Vietnam

[Phil Lester]

was one of them, and you can get an exclusive treat from us. It's a 15% discount on your saily esim data plan. Download the Saily app and use the code hardlaunch.

[Dan Howell]

At the checkout.

[Phil Lester]

At the checkout. It's very easy to do. Look how easy it is. There it is. There's the discount. Thanks, Saily.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God. And that is the reason why we didn't die on this holiday. Because we got off to a good start with our sim.

[Phil Lester]

And you know what the first app Dan opened was?

[Dan Howell]

What was it, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

You tell me.

[Dan Howell]

Instagram, probably.

[Phil Lester]

Disgusting.

[Angie.com Contractor]

Why have we asked our contractor we found on Angie.com to be our kid's legal guardian? Because he took such good care when redoing our basement that we knew we could trust him to care for our kids, all eight of them, should something happen to us.

[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

[Angie.com Advertiser]

No. Sorry. I do Basements connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail]

[Phil Lester]

Back to the holiday.

[Dan Howell]

Tell you what the first thing I actually did on my phone was.

[Phil Lester]

What did you do?

[Dan Howell]

I opened Google Maps to look at the establishment that we drove past. Oh yeah, to the hotel. There was a gay massage parlor. Specific.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And they had a billboard outside and it was very, very interesting.

[Phil Lester]

The billboard said K Pop massage and it had a picture of bts.

[Dan Howell]

It had a full picture of all of five years ago. BTS just stood there.

[Phil Lester]

So I was curious, are the gay masseuses looking like bts?

[Dan Howell]

Are they playing bts? Is it just like a goon cave of music videos?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe?

[Dan Howell]

That would be cool. Not very relaxing.

[Phil Lester]

Imagine seven hands on. Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

I've heard of the four hand massage. Have you heard of the 14 hand BTS themed K pop massage?

[Phil Lester]

Gay massage, no less.

[Dan Howell]

Does that mean that you can only go in if you are a gay man? All the people that are working there are gay men. Because maybe if you're a woman, you're like, well, it's just great to know that they are gay men.

[Phil Lester]

Either way, I feel like we should have gone in for the content. We'll go back and film a video. We went to the BTS gay massage park. Here's what happened.

[Dan Howell]

I am here today to try the viral 14 hands BTS massage.

[Phil Lester]

Today we got. But we didn't have the BTS gay massage. We did have a massage at our Vietnam resort.

[Dan Howell]

We got a couples massage. That's the thing that Dan and Phil can do now that we've male podcast launched.

[Phil Lester]

We've hard launched it and they like gays over there. So it was all good. We're not worried about that. You know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

I do know what you mean. There's lots of places on earth that we can't do that. And here we were like, we can do that. We can say full chest. Mr. And Misters couple massage.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, what makes it a couples massage? What happens in this room?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it just means that you're in the same room as someone.

[Phil Lester]

I was worried they were gonna stack us or something.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Olympic doubles bobsled style.

[Phil Lester]

But they made us fill out a form that was like, what parts of you can we touch? And I said, don't touch my feet because I'm ticklish. Yeah, you said all of me. Everything. You just like ticked everything. You circled the whole body.

[Dan Howell]

Where do you want extra attention? No, you did. I think I said no stomach. Oh, yeah, that was an option. And I'm like, who wants the front of their stomach massaged? Like, just get in that. I'll be like, no. Like, my plain food's gonna get overstimulated.

[Phil Lester]

I said yes to glutes. Yeah, they can get tight.

[Dan Howell]

Did you say yes to or did you not say no to?

[Phil Lester]

They said, do you want specific attention to it? And I didn't say that. That sounded weird.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Thank God. I was like, I want to find that.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, avoid that.

[Dan Howell]

Anyway, we had a lovely time.

[Phil Lester]

We did. The first part of it, though, was they wanted to wash our feet in a bucket, which is lovely.

[Dan Howell]

Jesus, like, service.

[Phil Lester]

Can I just remind everyone that I said, don't touch my feet?

[Dan Howell]

That meant no foot massage, but they're still gonna do a welcome wet towel on your feet.

[Phil Lester]

I put my feet in this bucket and I'm facing Dan. We're both wearing these little roses.

[Dan Howell]

Isn't his shitties. We're looking at each other.

[Phil Lester]

Don't say shitties.

[Dan Howell]

Doesn't Meghan Trainor look at her husband shitting?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Is that a thing?

[Phil Lester]

Is that true? I feel like that's tmi.

[Dan Howell]

I know, like, three things about Meghan Trainor, and that's one, and that's one of them. So there we were trainering.

[Phil Lester]

We were in disposable underwear in these small robes.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know why that's a necessary

[Phil Lester]

piece of information so they can picture it in their heads.

[Dan Howell]

Do we want them to picture that we're wearing semi transparent.

[Phil Lester]

My underwear, my eight pack was glistening. That's what they can picture anyway.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, Hollander.

[Phil Lester]

We both had our feet in these buckets, and we were looking at each other in the eyes. And then a lady started sliding her finger in between each of my toes. And I got so ticklish, which, if

[Dan Howell]

you're in the mood to relax, it's like, oh, yeah, get between those dolls.

[Phil Lester]

Separate them so bad.

[Dan Howell]

Spread em out. I started get the sock lint out.

[Phil Lester]

I started gripping the side of the chair, like, fuck, I can't handle this.

[Dan Howell]

And then I was like, I can't look at Phil right now or I'm just gonna start fucking laughing.

[Phil Lester]

And then I kicked the whole bucket over.

[Dan Howell]

You kind of were like, I didn't

[Phil Lester]

know this was happening.

[Dan Howell]

And then you just went, ha. And then you knock over. And then she went like, did I do something wrong?

[Phil Lester]

I didn't kick her. But if someone touches My feet, I will kick them in the face. It's an involuntary.

[Dan Howell]

You did say. Yeah, and then I obviously wanted to minimize the situation.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

So I just went.

[Phil Lester]

It was so hard not to laugh.

[Dan Howell]

That's totally fine.

[Phil Lester]

I just said sorry then.

[Dan Howell]

Not very relaxed.

[Phil Lester]

Dan got in his covers first. So I was aware of what was gonna happen to me before it happened to me.

[Dan Howell]

And then I am closing my fucking eyes and I'm thinking, right, not very zen. Phil totally ruined it. The zen is I'm gonna feel nice and air conditioned. And then I don't know if this is a Vietnamese massage.

[Phil Lester]

This is what I hear. I hear this. They were slapping him as part of

[Dan Howell]

the body warm up. She just went on my chest and went.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, what is happening?

[Dan Howell]

I was in my body and it scared the fucking shit out of me. She proper slapped me in the tits.

[Phil Lester]

You got mega slapped.

[Dan Howell]

I know.

[Phil Lester]

And I was scared that was coming.

[Dan Howell]

I'm ready. I think it was meant to be like a warm up for the massage.

[Phil Lester]

Get it ready.

[Dan Howell]

But it just nearly made me physically shit myself.

[Phil Lester]

Get that table. Get that blood pumping.

[Dan Howell]

What did you think was happening when you just heard indistinct slapping noises from across the room?

[Phil Lester]

I thought she was taking her because

[Dan Howell]

you had your face buried in the massage table hole at this point. So you were just probably thinking, like, what the fuck is happening over there?

[Phil Lester]

I was just worried it was going to be straight to the glutes. Spank, spank, spank.

[Dan Howell]

No, that's what happens at the gay BTS massage palette. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Thankfully after that it was very relaxing.

[Dan Howell]

Mine wasn't.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

I circled medium intensity and I got tortured.

[Phil Lester]

You were.

[Dan Howell]

I wasn't aware that I had extreme Internet based person hunchback shoulder knots, but this person was just like, yeah, I'm gonna stick my thumb in there. And I went, ah. And I thought. And you know they say like, is the pressure okay?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And I'm like, I'm not a fool fucking chicken. And also I thought maybe it's good for you.

[Phil Lester]

It's good for you to.

[Dan Howell]

You've got a muscle that's.

[Phil Lester]

Get your thumb in there.

[Dan Howell]

Get the thumb in there.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So I went, yeah, it's fine. And honestly, it was one of the worst hours of my life.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no.

[Dan Howell]

It was like being actually physically tortured. And for about two days afterwards I was like, they fucked my back up.

[Phil Lester]

You were walking funny.

[Dan Howell]

That's what happens when you go to the bts. Stop.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I had a lovely one. She went, oh, my God. She went down each of my spine holes and pulled out the little bit.

[Dan Howell]

Did I get a biology person in the chat? You know what I mean? It got right into your spine holes.

[Phil Lester]

And then I got a beetroot juice afterwards, which I thought was a bit of a weird choice.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I'm sorry. Of all the things that a spa could slide in front of you. Beetroot juice is not refreshing.

[Phil Lester]

Beetroot is a food. I don't want a food. It's like a soup.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to drink dirt.

[Phil Lester]

No. But very relaxing.

[Dan Howell]

And the actual food was amazing. Vietnam. What the fuck? The food is amazing.

[Phil Lester]

The banh mi, the fu.

[Dan Howell]

The banh mi. The barbecue, the curries. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

My tongue has never been happier.

[Dan Howell]

The food was great.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

We read books.

[Dan Howell]

We did nothing for an entire week.

[Phil Lester]

We chilled, sat by a pool. We did see a bit of culture. I saw like a little boat town. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

They were like, here's a fishing village.

[Phil Lester]

And we were like, that was good.

[Dan Howell]

Nice.

[Phil Lester]

We did not do the five mile hike.

[Dan Howell]

They said, there's a beautiful view. Didn't see it. Don't care for that. No. I tried some durian flavored ice cream.

[Phil Lester]

Mistake. I saw your face after you had it and I was like, I'm aware.

[Dan Howell]

This is the corpse fruit and you're not supposed to smell it. Right. There's one of those things where they go, if you smell it, it smells like footy. Dead people bum.

[Phil Lester]

But it's an acquired taste.

[Dan Howell]

If you eat it, it's gonna be nice. I was like, yeah, I'm gonna order the ice cream. Yeah. And I was so tempted, but I went, no, I'm not gonna have it. I'm gonna put it in my mouth. And I went in fully wanting to

[Phil Lester]

be open minded, and you were not.

[Dan Howell]

It was a bit weird.

[Phil Lester]

I think you, like, have to learn.

[Dan Howell]

I went on a journey. I was like, ooh, acidic.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Fruity and sweet. Deep. Must pungent.

[Phil Lester]

Very deep.

[Dan Howell]

Must pungent. I'm scared.

[Phil Lester]

We'll get you some more. I think you can try and love to like it.

[Dan Howell]

Why won't you love to like it?

[Phil Lester]

Because I smelt it. Also, we had some interesting cocktails.

[Dan Howell]

They were trying very, very hard behind the bar to do interesting themed cocktails.

[Phil Lester]

Watch out, Dil. They have the best mixologist.

[Dan Howell]

You had a coral reef themed one.

[Phil Lester]

It tasted like fish. If they put.

[Dan Howell]

I. I think they put fish sauce in the car.

[Phil Lester]

It tasted like it had been licked by a crab.

[Dan Howell]

And they said, and yours, Dan, is like the beach Cliffs. And it was like a rocky glass. And then they thought, we want it to look mossy. So we've sprinkled some matcha on the glass. Motherfucker. Now I've got matcha all over my hand and I'm wearing the white shirt. I went like this. And like, great. Now I'll just look like Shrek cupped my titty. Yeah. At the bar.

[Phil Lester]

Shrek massage.

[Dan Howell]

And look. It was mostly relaxing until we heard someone else speaking English behind us.

[Phil Lester]

Terry, have you got the sun cream?

[Dan Howell]

Nothing ruins a holiday more than hearing other English speakers.

[Phil Lester]

Janice, let's get another drinking.

[Dan Howell]

If you're trying to relax. And imagine if you hear Italian. We don't speak Italian. No, but it's just a vague idea. I'm sat there and I'm like, yeah, I'm on holiday. This is a vibe. And then you hear, oh, my God, Travis, have you seen what she posted? I'm just.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to understand another person's conversation.

[Dan Howell]

You have ripped me out of the relaxing holiday womb that I was in.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. We had to move our spot on the beach because I was like, I can't listen to them today.

[Dan Howell]

Someone.

[Phil Lester]

We lather me up.

[Dan Howell]

And then a couple came down and just went like, oh, Terry, can you do my back? And Phil just went, we have to leave.

[Phil Lester]

No, get out.

[Dan Howell]

He actually stood and walked down the beach about 25 meters until we went. And the serenity is protected.

[Phil Lester]

There were also some other gays. There was just us and another couple of gays.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, on the holiday, got completely mogged by this other gay couple turned up.

[Phil Lester]

They were frame mogging.

[Dan Howell]

They took 100% rental occupancy.

[Phil Lester]

In Phil's mind, they were fun mogging.

[Dan Howell]

They didn't think about us or even see us. But Phil was like, we're the only gays at this resort. I'm the person that's turning up wearing my fun floral shirt. And now these people turn up and they are type A charismatic homosexuals.

[Phil Lester]

They were hot, they were fit, they were funny, they were chatting to everyone.

[Dan Howell]

They were like normal men.

[Phil Lester]

What are you doing?

[Dan Howell]

And we realized that we were the online socially strange weirdos.

[Phil Lester]

But then when they were having dinner together, they just kept laughing so much. I was like, what? Oh, come on.

[Dan Howell]

Formative.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sure.

[Dan Howell]

I was like, yeah, yeah. And who's going to ask for the open relationship?

[Phil Lester]

So funny.

[Dan Howell]

I bet it's you.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

They were sat there like, clink. Let me get out my film camera. I was just sat there going, it was too Much lightning bolt, these two over here.

[Phil Lester]

If they wanted us to be their

[Dan Howell]

third and their fourth, you'd have cried and thrown up. I thought, yeah, it's like the waiter came over. The hot, cute waiter.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And you would just be like, can I have a spring roll, please? And then go, wow, he was hot down. These other people were like, sit down next to us.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Come have a seat.

[Phil Lester]

Absolutely not.

[Dan Howell]

What are you into? Like, rock climbing. They're trying too hard, and the waiter's going, oh, my God, I like rock climbing too. And Phil's just sat there seething in the corner.

[Phil Lester]

The waiter loved them, and he thought I was some kind of filth.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think he did. I think this is all in your head and maybe you need some kind of therapy.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe. But you did help me out by we pretend laughed more so than we sounded. Like we were having a better time.

[Dan Howell]

We shouldn't share that on the podcast. This is making us sound weird as fuck.

[Phil Lester]

But we did.

[Dan Howell]

It's 100% true.

[Phil Lester]

It is.

[Dan Howell]

Phil then went back and Instagram stalked them because he had to be like, who are these people? Well, yeah, where do they come from?

[Phil Lester]

You can, like, location, say where you are and see who else is around.

[Dan Howell]

Phil spent a full hour doom scrolling the Instagram accounts of people that had tagged posts at this location.

[Phil Lester]

I decided they were deeply unhappy and this was their last chance.

[Dan Howell]

All of them are miserable. Felt was like, divorce, cheating, sugar daddy. We obviously needed to post a holiday photo dump. And there was this umbrella, and Phil thought, I want a sassy umbrella photo.

[Phil Lester]

I look so goofy.

[Dan Howell]

So Phil went on the Instagram tag and just looked at every influencer girl that had posted a cute umbrella photo to be like, how do I pose with this umbrella?

[Phil Lester]

Well, I was like, it's not even raining. What am I doing with this umbrella?

[Dan Howell]

The shade, Phil. You're detecting your delicate porcelain skin from the nasty sun.

[Phil Lester]

Have you seen all my freckles?

[Dan Howell]

Yes. Phil definitely got sunburned on the first day.

[Phil Lester]

I don't understand how I got factor 50 sun cream.

[Dan Howell]

Factor 50. He slathered it on, and then the next day, Red Lobster.

[Phil Lester]

I got it off one of those, like, resellers. That wasn't the actual brand.

[Dan Howell]

Suspiciously cheap. Yes, I'll order it now.

[Phil Lester]

I think they just poured something else in the bottle.

[Dan Howell]

I think so many things are fake and 100% Phil. That was mayonnaise.

[Phil Lester]

I was just like, punks.

[Dan Howell]

They gave you a bottle of salad cream.

[Phil Lester]

Salad cream.

[Dan Howell]

And you were sat there just going, slip, slap, Slop. Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

I could feel myself sizzling after an hour. I don't know what happened.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, you smelt great. Blt.

[Phil Lester]

I have a big red square on my thigh.

[Dan Howell]

Not from the 14 hand massage.

[Phil Lester]

Also from that.

[Dan Howell]

From the sun cream. That's a valid conspiracy, though, the fake sun cream.

[Phil Lester]

It's adding to my list of low stakes conspiracy theories.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, I got one.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. I think that Apple makes AirPod cases slippy so that people drop them and

[Phil Lester]

then they have to buy more. That is so true.

[Dan Howell]

They have the power to make this out of anything, and it is in the slippiest, greasiest plastic so that when you're on the run and you're like, here we go. And you get it out of your hand, you just go, whoop, Whoop. And suddenly AirPod down the drain. That is how they make 50% of their money. And so they could have gone, oh, we've got lovely tactile grippy AirPod cases. They're like, now let's lube that shit up, get it wet. Extra greasy AirPod cases.

[Phil Lester]

I drop mine all the time.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

My other low stakes conspiracy.

[Dan Howell]

Say it, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know they say there's 8 billion people in the world?

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

I think there's less.

[Dan Howell]

You think that there are less people?

[Phil Lester]

I have had too many coincidences where I've seen the same person in a different scenario. Other day in London, I saw someone from my university just walking down the street, remember?

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck are they doing here?

[Phil Lester]

William Gregson.

[Dan Howell]

William Gregson?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Doxxed. Real name from York University.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck are you doing in here? You've had your chapter in my life.

[Phil Lester]

I know. I saw him. It's awkward. Cause I've seen his will. Was that too much?

[Dan Howell]

That's not his real name, though, is it?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. No, no, no, it's not.

[Dan Howell]

I have to check these things because at some point we do have, like, a legal responsibility, but all of the

[Phil Lester]

people in the Universe have this 8 billion, and we're just like, walking down the same street. Come on now.

[Dan Howell]

See, I.

[Phil Lester]

Come on now.

[Dan Howell]

Coincidences happen. Phil thinks that anything that's a coincidence is actually a divine act of God.

[Phil Lester]

Well, we also had a case of Dan not using his inside voice.

[Dan Howell]

My extremely toxic trait, which is. I talk shit about people in earshot.

[Phil Lester]

You say it so loud and it always goes wrong.

[Dan Howell]

I always do impressions of people.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, Kelly, have you seen it?

[Phil Lester]

And I'll go, you need to stop.

[Dan Howell]

I need to stop.

[Phil Lester]

This was a Bad one.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. We were at a restaurant and it was really dark. Why the fuck can they not just turn a little light on above the tables or something? The vibe was too sexy. There's no need to choke, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

I nearly choked.

[Dan Howell]

And it was the type of place where it's so dark, everyone's getting out their phone and they're just doing this with the torch.

[Phil Lester]

They're just like trying to do it.

[Dan Howell]

And it's like everybody's doing that. It's just like a shit rave. This is no longer a sexy restaurant.

[Phil Lester]

Just turn the lights on.

[Dan Howell]

So they started bringing out clip on lamps onto the menu. So they would bring out a menu and it would have like a little battery powered lamp attached to it, like an anglerfish. But this shit was so bright, everyone. It was antisocial.

[Phil Lester]

It was a lot.

[Dan Howell]

And there was a couple sat right in front of us. And the dude pointed his lamp up because he was like, I don't need to see it, and just left it on. And it was pointing directly in my face. And I should have said to Phil, wow, that's annoying. And I just went, that lamp is so fucking bright.

[Phil Lester]

So loud.

[Dan Howell]

I forgot there were other English speakers at the hotel. And his girlfriend went.

[Phil Lester]

And I was like, dad, they literally heard you.

[Dan Howell]

And then she went,

[Phil Lester]

terry, put it away, Terry. They can see the lamb.

[Dan Howell]

And Phil was just sat there going,

[Phil Lester]

you melted into your venue. You felt bad about that one.

[Dan Howell]

I just really forgot that other people can hear or understand me.

[Phil Lester]

We're not the only people in this room.

[Dan Howell]

To be honest, they deserved it completely because they were being antisocial.

[Phil Lester]

Put your fucking lamp away.

[Dan Howell]

You're trying to blind me. Yeah, that is what I did.

[Phil Lester]

And then he couldn't propose anymore. Cause you ruined it.

[Dan Howell]

I fucked up their evening. And they thought they were the assholes. And it was me because I don't have an inside voice.

[Phil Lester]

Speaking of my asshole. That was terrible. The bath. Yeah, I was in the.

[Dan Howell]

This is actually a good segue.

[Phil Lester]

Dan went for a walk. I was in the bath. The room had a glass window to the door, which was weird cause it was like kind of an outdoor villa facility.

[Dan Howell]

They want you to see the view.

[Phil Lester]

Anyway, I was in the bath. The room service person knocked on the window. And my reaction, rather than just to say one minute, rather than to just

[Dan Howell]

ignore them, to be like, not right, or to go, hello, if you can hear me, not right now.

[Phil Lester]

I jumped fully naked up to then, like, close the door, not realizing I was knock.

[Dan Howell]

Who's there?

[Phil Lester]

Full eyeline he saw the full D and the full A.

[Dan Howell]

He was being in the bath instead. Phil went, who's there? And Phil, how bubbly was this bath?

[Phil Lester]

Not bubbly enough.

[Dan Howell]

It was not bubbly enough.

[Phil Lester]

Saw everything.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I'm still sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Saw the P, the D, the A and the. The Q, the L, M, N, O.

[Phil Lester]

You are they.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Don't want to know.

[Phil Lester]

So, yeah. That was not worth it.

[Dan Howell]

Formal apology to the room service guy.

[Phil Lester]

Formal apology.

[Dan Howell]

The room service guy did refer to us as Mr. And Mr. Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Mr. And Mr. Lester.

[Dan Howell]

Funny. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Phil Buckshot.

[Dan Howell]

Married.

[Phil Lester]

You got my surname.

[Dan Howell]

I ain't pounding that. Oh, Dan Lester.

[Phil Lester]

Dan Lester.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want it.

[Phil Lester]

Phil Howell. Sounds a bit like a wolf.

[Dan Howell]

That's just my name. I'm glad that you're having these kind of fun. How? Can't make anything rude out of my name on a textbook.

[Phil Lester]

I bet you could.

[Dan Howell]

Let's not think about that. I don't want to invite the audience

[Phil Lester]

to bring that one jizz towel.

[Dan Howell]

No,

[Phil Lester]

you're allowed to laugh, Dan. You found that funny?

[Dan Howell]

It's not Molesta, is it? No, it's not. Nothing will be. You're losing that one forever.

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[Phil Lester]

Huh?

[Angie.com Electrician]

Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace.

[Angie.com Advertiser]

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[Angie.com Electrician]

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[Phil Lester]

the jet lag has been a bit of an issue.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah. We're appropriating worker bee culture. We're like waking up at 6am I

[Phil Lester]

was up at 4:37 today.

[Dan Howell]

That was antisocial.

[Phil Lester]

That's not a time when you're tired

[Dan Howell]

at 9pm I'm like, I'm old now.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Phil does not have the instinct to let the other person sleep.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I got bored.

[Dan Howell]

When Phil wakes up, you wake up. Damn, he's like a child.

[Phil Lester]

I got bored.

[Dan Howell]

Am I not allowed to go to night's sleep? No, no, it's 4:30am Phil's got the jet lag. Phil will like pick up his drink so aggressively to just be like, oh, oh, am I? You've woken up. I'm so sorry. Did you hear that?

[Phil Lester]

That's just cause I missed you letting

[Dan Howell]

out the heaviest piss stream you've ever heard in your life just to try and rip me out of the.

[Phil Lester]

Too much information there.

[Dan Howell]

You knew exactly what you were doing.

[Phil Lester]

Not a heavy piece of I'm trying

[Dan Howell]

to catch my Z's and you go, I had important. What would you do if an owl flew into the room right now? Please let me sleep.

[Phil Lester]

We have to prepare for this kind of thing, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

We don't.

[Phil Lester]

They've got sharp claws. Have you seen the Staircase? The Netflix documentary?

[Dan Howell]

Is this how you're planning to kill me? Yes, I've seen that.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Release.

[Dan Howell]

An owl knows how to do that. So how do you feel? You're like a normal functioning member of society. No longer a weird Internet dwelling afternoon waker.

[Phil Lester]

I yearn for 2am, I have to say. Also, we had no Internet for the whole week, which was the most I've

[Dan Howell]

gone so out of the loop.

[Phil Lester]

I missed everything what happened in the world. Well, thanks for that because here's the thing. Get fubbed, bitch. Excuse you staff are sick of customers who are phone snubbing and they've invented the word fubbed, which is to phone snob.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. I mean I know that like there's important stuff happening on our phone, but you should look at someone's eyes when you're placing an order.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

If someone has made you a salad and they're bringing it to you, go, thanks and just go.

[Phil Lester]

Also, don't use a ph thing. That's our thing. That's only for good things.

[Dan Howell]

Fubbing is when Dan and Phil go clubbing.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

It's what happens at the.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone saw that reel that we posted.

[Phil Lester]

BTS massage.

[Dan Howell]

You've got a fub.

[Phil Lester]

He's fubbing. Oh, flamingo. No, you better don't.

[Dan Howell]

I wrote that. I'm so sorry.

[Phil Lester]

I'm like, what am I reading? Scientists reveal how long you should be able to Stand on one leg for apparent.

[Dan Howell]

If you're 18 to 39, you should be able to stand on one leg for 43 seconds.

[Phil Lester]

Are we gonna try it? I feel like for an audio podcast.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Shout out to everyone on Spotify. You're about to have the worst 43 seconds of your 45.

[Phil Lester]

We're gonna describe it. Here we go.

[Dan Howell]

Whoa. You ready?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Got the timer ready? Yep. Three, two, one.

[Phil Lester]

I'm standing. I've gone. Two seconds.

[Dan Howell]

43, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

43. 43. I got this.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

How do you feel?

[Phil Lester]

I feel strong and sturdy.

[Dan Howell]

Do you have any deep aches? Are you fucking serious?

[Phil Lester]

Are you.

[Dan Howell]

Are you actually, Phil, you made it. 15 seconds.

[Phil Lester]

My heel got sore.

[Dan Howell]

Your heel got right. Well, doctors say you're gonna fucking die, bro.

[Phil Lester]

Wait.

[Dan Howell]

I am so scared. Please slow.

[Phil Lester]

What age am I then?

[Dan Howell]

How many medical students are there in the chat? What do we need to do? Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Dan did it. Well done.

[Dan Howell]

Well, Phil, according to the study, if you are 70 to 79, you should be able to do it for 18 seconds.

[Phil Lester]

I do.

[Dan Howell]

So you are an octogenarian flamingo.

[Phil Lester]

Great. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

I think I just got that Trump Biden flamingo action.

[Phil Lester]

I could have gone for longer. I just got a sore heel.

[Dan Howell]

Damn.

[Phil Lester]

Do you Ship maven? An English woman named Meghan has celebrated her third year anniversary of marrying the River Avon in the uk.

[Dan Howell]

Greedy.

[Phil Lester]

How do you marry a river?

[Dan Howell]

A whole river.

[Phil Lester]

The whole thing.

[Dan Howell]

I want to marry this tree. I want to marry my horse. Okay, that's like, low impact. This person is claiming the entire river for themselves.

[Phil Lester]

Apparently, it's all for solving pollution.

[Dan Howell]

It's to bring awareness to the environmental status of the river, which I like,

[Phil Lester]

but they are actually married and love the river and spend time in the river in a marital way.

[Dan Howell]

Don't get in that river after Meghan has. But she was serving at her third year anniversary.

[Phil Lester]

I know.

[Dan Howell]

And I also think, leave the river alone. Don't piss in it. Don't sewage in it.

[Phil Lester]

She said it was the least lonely moment of my life.

[Dan Howell]

That's a really weird quote because of that. Good for her.

[Phil Lester]

No, I get it. I get it.

[Dan Howell]

Pro environment.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we love the environment. All that water flowing across your body. It's kind of erotic. Erotic. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. It's like 14 hands squeezing your. It's like circled glutes.

[Phil Lester]

Sexy. Poseidon is just gonna, like, spurt, right?

[Dan Howell]

Well, someone is not writing fan fiction, are they? Richard, help. Richard. Right now. I feel you're doing that. How you doing, lass?

[Phil Lester]

Should I do it on One leg teaming.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Go on. No, don't. No. You just trying to sit down again. Terrified the shit out of me.

[Phil Lester]

Go on. One leg.

[Dan Howell]

The chaos beast. Okay, thank you for your supporters, Richard. Thank you so much. See you later.

[Phil Lester]

It's another yellow ball. Oh, crispy extension leads.

[Dan Howell]

I fucking love an extension lead.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Do you know what we always pack on holiday?

[Phil Lester]

An extension lead.

[Dan Howell]

An extension lead.

[Phil Lester]

One each.

[Dan Howell]

You don't need a converter. If you've got a fucking 16 gang

[Phil Lester]

plug thing, you're probably gonna set fire to the hotel. But it is worth it.

[Dan Howell]

You got the phone? The phone, the laptop, the hairdryer.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

The switch. Yeah, we took our switch on holiday. Shut up. It's an evening. Okay. What are Dan and Phil gonna do? We're gonna play Mario Kart.

[Phil Lester]

We need to play Mario Kart. Dan hacked the hotel TV as well. When you switch it on.

[Dan Howell]

I make hotel rooms my own. Yeah, Fridge. Unplug it. I don't want to Hear that buzz. TV. Oh, you've got your own satellite thing. Nope. PlayStation's going in it.

[Phil Lester]

I melted an extension lead and almost set fire to the house. I had a space.

[Dan Howell]

How did you do that?

[Phil Lester]

I had a space heater, which I plugged into it, but that was already terrifying. That was in an extension lead plugged into an extension lead, plugged into an extension lead, which you're not meant to do. And the whole thing melted and we short circuited the house.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, we don't own a space heater and you're not allowed one. You can just be cold.

[Phil Lester]

One time a moth flew into it and it smelled really bad. Richard.

[Dan Howell]

We can't butcher the Richard. How did we go from the joy of having more plugs to your moth trauma in about 30 seconds?

[Phil Lester]

Poor little guy. I bet he had a good time just before. Do you know if you're about to fall in sun?

[Dan Howell]

I can see the light. Yeah. What a way to go.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Damn. What's the, like, Phil equivalent of that?

[Phil Lester]

Being drowned?

[Dan Howell]

Being ripped apart in the 14 hand BTS massage parlor.

[Phil Lester]

You ripped me apart, Jimin.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, we're back on the fan fiction. We left the fan fiction and now we're back there.

[Phil Lester]

I was gonna say getting drowned in maple syrup, maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.

[Phil Lester]

Let's see who else is nice.

[Dan Howell]

Hard launches.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We ask for our audience to send in the things that they could only get off their chest on a platform as diabolical as this podcast. Who do we have today? Hi, this is Carly. Hi.

[Phil Lester]

I'm Hard Launching laughing at funerals. I can't help it if I'm laughing while they lower grandpa into the ground. It's sometimes funny.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, bye.

[Phil Lester]

That sounds blunt, but I think it's fair enough. If I had a funeral, I'd want people to laugh.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think that's what was happening. They were like, this is a solemn funeral. Granddad is being lowered, and you just go, ha.

[Phil Lester]

It depends if granddad has a sense of humor. You know what I mean? Because it's kind of like.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. I think that people process things in different ways, and you should allow people to have inappropriate reactions as well.

[Phil Lester]

I also. If something sad is happening, I make eye contact with my brother. Just want to laugh.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that was like me while you were kicking that lady in the face with the foot massage.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

We have that moment.

[Dan Howell]

Let's never go to a funeral together.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Aw.

[Dan Howell]

We've never been to a funeral together.

[Phil Lester]

Don't say that. That's making. We need to touch some wood now. Someone touch wood. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

Good luck. Next.

[Leigh (Listener)]

Hi, Dan and Phil. My name's Leigh, and today I'm hard launching that. I think all general admissions concerts should be ordered by height, meaning tall people should be in the back and short people should be able to be in the front.

[Phil Lester]

That is fair.

[Leigh (Listener)]

Why am I at a boy genius concert and your 6 foot 5 boyfriend is standing in front of me?

[Phil Lester]

Damn.

[Leigh (Listener)]

Blocking my view.

[Dan Howell]

Not boy genius.

[Leigh (Listener)]

As a lesbian.

[Phil Lester]

Not as a lesbian.

[Dan Howell]

This was her space.

[Phil Lester]

We are the 6 foot 5 boyfriend.

[Dan Howell]

We've been there. Last time I went to Reading Festival, I just thought I am unethical.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I should be on the stand.

[Phil Lester]

We should be on our knees.

[Dan Howell]

Definitely. I mean, you really don't want to be closer to the floor at Ready Festival.

[Phil Lester]

No. But it does feel unfair, and I think I would sign up to that policy. It's fair enough.

[Dan Howell]

If you ever go to a theater that doesn't have raked seating, and then it's just someone with a tall haircut,

[Phil Lester]

a hat indoors, or a buddy system. Anyone under 5 foot gets to sit on one of our shoulders.

[Dan Howell]

After seeing Phil trying to stand in one leg, do you want to climb on Phil's shoulders?

[Phil Lester]

Good luck.

[Cameron (Listener)]

Mm.

[Phil Lester]

And finally.

[Cameron (Listener)]

Hey, so I'm a little tipsy right now, so don't mind me.

[Dan Howell]

Great start. Okay.

[Cameron (Listener)]

My name is Cameron. I'm from Virginia in the US I would like to hard launch the use of the word cunt in America because people are just too apprehensive here. And, you know, sometimes someone is Just being a real cunt. And there's no other way to put it. So I think we should be using it more.

[Dan Howell]

I agree.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. In the uk it's used quite a lot. It still seems as slightly offensive. If you go to Australia, everyone's just throwing it around.

[Dan Howell]

Cheeky cunt.

[Phil Lester]

All the time.

[Dan Howell]

I loved your diction. You really put the T in cunt. And that's how you say. That's not like that was cunty. You're just going, you're a cunt.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And it's the T is like. That's the dagger. Like, call me a cunt and really pronounce the T. Fine.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not gonna say. I only say, look at me in

[Dan Howell]

the eyes and say, dan, you're a cunt. On and the goat.

[Phil Lester]

I'm only ever gonna say it once, which was in terrible influence.

[Dan Howell]

Say it now and we'll censor it.

[Phil Lester]

Really?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And really feel it as they wanna spread the message.

[Phil Lester]

Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

You're a cunt. That felt so bad.

[Dan Howell]

And the people that get this uncensored on Patreon. That was content sweating. That is.

[Phil Lester]

Don't listen to me.

[Dan Howell]

Are we monetizing on YouTube?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

That is unclippable on TikTok.

[Phil Lester]

We cannot do that.

[Dan Howell]

Damn censorship is sad. We're with you 100%. Beautiful. I mean, what a note to end on. We're so back.

[Phil Lester]

Can I say it on holiday? A nice word now. Shiny nice.

[Dan Howell]

Has that cleansed your palate?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Better than that.

[Dan Howell]

Rinse your dirty mouth out.

[Phil Lester]

Rinse that mouth out.

[Dan Howell]

Well, we're so back. Thank you for joining us. I'm glad that we survived.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. If you want some bonus holiday yaps, you can come join us at the after party on Patreon where we're gonna

[Dan Howell]

tell you what really happened after that massage. We wrote a book, we watched Zootopia. We did some other stuff.

[Phil Lester]

And some other stuff.

[Dan Howell]

The flippers, the mask. We need to get into that.

[Phil Lester]

Patreon.com danandphil and we'll see you next

[Dan Howell]

time for another hard Monday Boink.

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[Phil Lester]

Huh.

[Angie.com Electrician]

Nibbles gone too soon. May he scurry in peace.

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[Dan Howell]

Are you my dad now?

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why have I asked my H Vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts, I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation.

[Dan Howell]

Make it quick, young man.

[Phil Lester]

Aw.

[Dan Howell]

See?

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I think we should call a doctor. Connecting homeowners with skilled Pros for over 30 years, Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].