We expose each other's Dating History

Summary

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HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We expose each other's Dating History
Release Date: November 3, 2025
Hosts: Dan and Phil
Studio71

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into Dan and Phil’s hilariously candid and sometimes mortifying dating histories, reflecting on the red flags, “alternate timeline” relationships, and the chaos of their pre-partnership love lives. True to the spirit of "Hard Launch," the pair overshare, tease each other, and reflect on the quirks that meant they were ultimately meant to be — and why the chemistry they share couldn’t have been replicated with anyone else. The conversation quickly spirals into relatable tangents about identity, performance, military service, and even bizarre listener confessions, all in their signature quick-witted, cheeky style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. "Alternate Timelines" and Pre-Dan-and-Phil Dating

• Red Flag Parade
  • Dan recounts dating “train guy,” who would talk extensively about trains even at clubs.
    • “Who does that?” (Dan, 01:19)
    • Phil finds it hilarious Dan’s flirtation with someone deeply into London tube models.
  • Another almost-boyfriend was a musical theater type who always spoke in the third person and “kept singing show tunes.”
    • “It felt like I was in a piece of performance art.” (Dan, 02:24)
• Model Behavior
  • Phil admits to dating a self-obsessed “model” at university, poking fun at the glam of his own past.
    • “I can only accept so much preening. We were gonna go out, he was, like, fully an hour [in front of the mirror].” (Phil, 03:49)

2. Why Dan and Phil Were Inevitable

• They joke about how the chemistry wouldn’t have existed with anyone else, theorizing alternative partnerships (“Dan and Pete”) just couldn’t match up.
  • “Even if it was Dan and Pete, you wouldn’t have made a podcast and done all this stuff… the chemistry of both of us is where the magic happens.” (Phil, 06:10)
• Accepting their unique brand of chaos and mutual weirdness as the glue for long-term collaboration and romance.
• Dan: “You should base your future partners on whether or not you’re gonna have a male podcast with them.” (Dan, 04:20)

3. Personal Quirks & Self-Deprecating Reflections

• Daylight Savings and The “Quickening”
  • They muse on time moving faster as they get older, joking about “the Quickening.”
    • “Do you believe in the Quickening? … I just think the more life you’ve lived, the longer time feels.” (Dan, 07:09)
• Halloween, Femboy Baking, and Booty Shorts
  • Discussion of their recent “femboy baking” video and dressing up in short shorts:
    • "I am shocked nothing fell out of those shorts..." (Phil, 08:11)
    • "My butt is the great attribute that I have as a femboy." (Phil, 08:21)
• Alter Egos vs. Real Selves
  • Dan’s “Sister Daniel” (slutty nun costume) vs. femboy persona; neither is exactly “drag”:
    • “It’s not me. It’s a completely different entity.” (Dan, 09:50)
    • Phil observes Dan looks better as a “sexy nun” than just regular Dan.

4. Nonsensical Bylines and Listener Questions

• Fanciful speculation about baking, partner selection, and even sperm health:
  • "Are you not curious how healthy your sperm are?... If I had a microscope set, I would want to have a little look at my little guys." (Phil, 15:05)
  • "If that's the thing, we're cooked. Like, we are literally microwaved." (Dan on laptop exposure, 15:21)
• Tangents about Bonfire Night, setting fire to their school uniforms, and the oddities of British tradition.
  • Phil: “I got my old school uniform and put loads of newspaper in it [...] We looked like we were burning a child.” (Phil, 16:45)

5. Random Topic Generator: Acrostic Poems

• The "Richard" segment has them making acrostic poems about each other.
  • Dan (for Phil): “I raw dogged it. Piss, he insists. Language is perplexing.” (Dan, 21:46)
  • Phil (for Dan): “Always nice ideas, excitement, llamas of a fish.” (Phil, 22:02)

6. AI and Parody Biographies

• Discussion about unofficial, AI-generated "Dan & Phil" biographies and their uncanny valley covers:
  • “I look like an eagle. [...] You look like sleep paralysis demon.” (Phil, 25:13–25:28)
  • Dan expresses mixed feelings about copyright and AI replacing artists.

7. Revisiting Their Own Origin Story

• Fans wanted clarification: Did Dan pretend to like certain things to impress Phil?
  • “I didn’t lie about liking Final Fantasy and Muse. I was just very, very loud about it.” (Dan, 26:21)
• Memories of their awkward early hangouts, fake confidence, and urban exploring.

8. Listener Hard Launches

A major segment is dedicated to listeners “hard launching” their own confessions and oddities:

• Ugly Babies (Lolly, from [28:29])
  • "Sometimes someone will give you their child that is fresh out of the womb, and they look like little gnomes and you have no compliment to give them, so you just go, 'That sure is a baby.'” (Lolly, 28:41)
  • Dan: "What root vegetable am I?" (29:04)
• Year-Round Full Bush Advocacy
  • “Girls, gays, and theys, really embrace the velcro power.” (Dan, 30:08)
  • Phil: "Why not like a haircut, but a bushcut?" (Phil, 30:39)
• Funeral Prosthetics (Jade, from Tasmania)
  • "If you just ask nicely enough, funeral directors will let you keep prosthetic bones from your deceased loved ones. My uncle's got my grandmother’s hip sitting on the shelf." (Jade, 31:10)
  • Dan and Phil react in mock horror, trading stories about family weirdness and taxidermy.
• Dog Quinceañera (Maria, last listener; [33:05])
  • “It's for my dog, James. He is deaf, kind of blind, and 15 years old but he deserves a nice little party.” (Maria, 33:06)
  • Phil: “Yes, happy birthday.” (Phil, 33:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan on relationship red flags:
  “Not that you were so amazing you blew them out the water. I mean, you are. But every single one of them had a bizarre red flag.” (00:41)
• Phil about being self-obsessed:
  “I can only accept so much preening... Brother, have you looked at yourself in the mirror? What am I? Well, preening. 10 years of hair straightening between us.” (03:57)
• Dan on time passing:
  “I scream into the sky every year, like, thank you, God.” (06:49)
• Dan about choosing a podcast partner:
  “Male podcast is the end game of relationships.” (04:27)
• On femboy baking:
  “My butt is the great attribute that I have as a femboy.” (Phil, 08:21)
• Dan reflecting on alter egos:
  “Sometimes I look better as a sexy nun or a femboy than I do as just Dan the guy sitting.” (Dan, 09:19)
• Listener Lolly on ugly babies:
  “That sure is a baby.” (Lolly, 28:49)
• Phil on full bush:
  “You could do like a full topiary dragon. Why not like a haircut, but a bushcut?” (30:39)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:00 – 05:00: Playful recounting of failed exes, train guy, and model guy.
• 08:00 – 10:00: Femboy baking, costume choices, and alter egos.
• 16:00 – 17:00: Bonfire Night stories, burning school uniforms.
• 21:20 – 22:24: Acrostic poems for each other.
• 25:00 – 26:00: AI-generated “Dan & Phil” biography discussion.
• 28:21 – 34:00: Listener “hard launches” — ugly babies, bush pride, funeral bones, and a dog quinceañera.

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Tone & Style

Dan and Phil maintain their hallmark blend of oversharing, mockery, dry wit, and self-deprecating warmth — jumping rapidly from one anecdote or joke to the next, echoing the vibe of friends oversharing on a sleepover. The episode is peppered with swift banter, running gags, and audience asides, all in a deeply British and authentic way.

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For New Listeners

• Who are Dan and Phil? They’re British YouTubers turned podcast personalities, famous for candid stories and millennial pop culture commentary.
• What’s “hard launch”? An unapologetic, revealing declaration — often about relationships, identity, or life’s chaos.
• Best enjoyed if: You like candid relationship banter, irreverent humor, and confessions that range from relatable to absurd.

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Final Thoughts

This is a quintessential HARD LAUNCH: revealing, goofy, sometimes TMI, and genuinely insightful about why Dan and Phil’s partnership works — not despite their quirks and failures, but because of them. The chemistry is undeniable, the anecdotes are bananas, and the listener confessions are pure internet gold.

Transcript

[A]

We were almost not a thing for so many reasons.

[B]

Which one are you referring to?

[A]

I'm referring to the fact you sampled the boy pond before you.

[B]

I sampled the boyfriend. Can I not say? Or the man pond dated guy. I don't want to sample any ponds.

[A]

The man puddle.

[B]

The man puddle. Making it sound like fragrance sticks at an airport or something.

[A]

And we could have been Dan and Pete.

[B]

Well, it wouldn't have been you here. There would have been no we. No, that's the point.

[A]

You would have been Dan and Pete.

[B]

I think that Dan and Phil moved too fast. Oh, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Oh, no, it is, because I said too. I said it too fast. We just moved fast.

[A]

Yeah, we did move fast. It's causing so much fun.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. I hung out with a few guys. Hung out with prior to meeting Phil for the first time. And it's not that you were so amazing you blew them out the water. I mean, you are. But I'm saying there was more. That every single one of them had a bizarre red flag.

[A]

Okay, so what were the red flags?

[B]

So, you know that I met that one guy, that all he talked about was trains. And don't get me wrong, I love a hyper fixation. Don't get Dan going on roller coasters.

[A]

But it was trains and sport guy.

[B]

You know, the meme of the guy shouting into his girlfriend's ear? That was like, me in an actual corner of a club as this guy just talked to me about, like, London tube models.

[A]

I'm just surprised you went to the club and talked about trains.

[B]

Who does that?

[A]

I know.

[B]

And then I told someone, and it was like, ah, he took you to the club and sat in the corner and talked about trains. Does he does that with everyone?

[A]

Oh, and then the second guy, which we both knew, I feel like was closer to snatching the Dan from Phil.

[B]

But he also had a red flag, which was almost the complete opposite of aggressive. Very straight acting train guys. He kept singing show tunes and talking in the third person.

[A]

Oh, the third person thing.

[B]

Phil, I'm so scared that you're gonna fool government names as a third person. I know.

[A]

Let me say a different name. Gordon likes that Gordon.

[B]

As if I'd have gotten a drink with someone called Gordon.

[A]

Might be watching.

[B]

All the sexy Gordons out there.

[A]

Gordon's a gruff name.

[B]

Yeah, Gordon. Gordon. These nuts.

[A]

Timmy's confused.

[B]

Yeah, and I love a show tune. Don't get me wrong, me and Phil love musical theater, but not every day. I Think he yearned to be on the stage, but kept doing it as you were walking through town.

[A]

Felt very perceived, making life a musical.

[B]

And then kept being like, it's not very Gordon to order one of those and look camp, right?

[A]

Kind of camp.

[B]

Like high concept character. Yes, but I felt like I was in a piece of performance art.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

And then I met up with you, and you said, hey, do you want to buy a pizza from Tesco and burn it in the oven?

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

I said, normal.

[A]

Phil is happy you chose him.

[B]

Obviously, in the.

[A]

Or should I say, Phil is happy you chose him.

[B]

It's over. 3, 2, 1. What would this alternate timeline have been like? Were you sampling the man pond in university?

[A]

I sampled it. Well, that sounded weird.

[B]

We need to immediately think of other euphemisms for this.

[A]

We do. Yes. I dated in university.

[B]

And did you ever think I could form a strangely and maybe inappropriately interwoven career with one of these people?

[A]

No. They were all pretty annoying in their own ways. One loved himself a lot.

[B]

And guys self love, cringe. No, no, Phil. Oh, no, no.

[A]

I'm saying too much. I was about to say something.

[B]

Phil's like William Smith from 123 York Ave. Too identif, but too identifiable that he went to university in the same year of Zoo.

[A]

They like to talk about how they were a model. And this isn't me, like, humble bragging that I dated a model.

[B]

Oh, Phil.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Phil's like, oh, I've got a fun idea of how to start this podcast episode. So, guys, isn't it so embarrassing how I dated this model look, and he just wouldn't stop talking about how beautiful he was.

[A]

That was the thing, though. I can only accept so much preening. We were, like, gonna go out, and he was like, fully an hour.

[B]

Brother, have you looked at yourself in the mirror?

[A]

What am I.

[B]

Well, preening. 10 years of hair straightening between us.

[A]

This takes me 2 minutes, 5 minutes, 11 minutes, 43 minutes.

[B]

I'm not gonna call Phil out inappropriately on a public platform.

[A]

Sure. But I'm glad that we.

[B]

They all flopped.

[A]

They all flopped because look at this. We wouldn't be making this podcast. We wouldn't have a sign behind us.

[B]

And that's what it's all about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You should base your future partners on whether or not you're gonna have a male podcast with them.

[A]

I think that's what you need to.

[B]

Look out for, even the lesbians out there. Male podcast is the end game of relationships.

[A]

That's what you gotta do.

[B]

And we're not jok here. We are.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry, has anyone else in the chat got 17 years and they want to maybe drop their 2 cents in?

[A]

They could do. You know, I feel like we need to contextualize this a bit. Welcome to Hard Launch. Hi.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we're having a podcast.

[A]

I'm Phil.

[B]

I'm Dan.

[A]

And we are.

[B]

Who is this for? Who's watching this? Four minutes deep and it's like, I don't know who Bill and Ted are, but I'm having a lovely time because I love the color Purple.

[A]

If you're lost on Spotify and you found us, can you just leave a comment saying, I am that person?

[B]

If we need to get relatable for the Spotify bros that are lost Vaccines hot. Take three, two, one, go.

[A]

I enjoyed mine.

[B]

Which one did you get? That Moderna tingle.

[A]

I got the moderna tingle and look, I'm alive. We can't talk about that Pivot.

[B]

Richard, bring her in. I had a little chat with Richard one on one, and Richard wants to say our random topic generator likes he she pronouns, but not they.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Seemed very specific about it. I didn't want to press him too.

[A]

Good to know. For anyone listening, I'm wearing jig zaggy shoes and I nearly fell down the stairs on the way into the studio.

[B]

Who'd have fucking thought that that would happen?

[A]

They are a fashion win a life crime.

[B]

So you're talking about how you hate these model self preening types and I'm preening. Do you think what it was was this guy that you dated in university was taking your gig too much and you didn't like that?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

You said only one of us can talk about how we're an unbearably perfect model and it has to be Phil.

[A]

There can only be one.

[B]

And maybe I yearned to be the the. So this other person was like, stop. And the other person talking about trains. I was like, no, I'm the one with the hyper fixations. Shut up.

[A]

I feel like that other timeline wouldn't have happened though, because even if it was Dan and Pete, you wouldn't have made a podcast and done all of this stuff and gone on tours because the chemistry of the both of us is where the magic happens.

[B]

What's this?

[A]

Fireworks?

[B]

I don't want to know.

[A]

The clocks went back.

[B]

They did. I fucking love when I get to sleep for an extra hour.

[A]

We got an extra hour in bed.

[B]

This person that is just a procrastinator at any given point. I need an hour and it's life or death. If I was at school, I don't know what the hell's going on. Some English essay about Shakespeare. This hour is what is gonna make or break my entire existence. So just knowing that you've got the extra hour. I scream into the sky every year, like, thank you, God.

[A]

Thank you. It's very confusing for Americans or anyone else listening whose time might not have changed yet.

[B]

Imagine not having daylight saving.

[A]

Why didn't Jonathan time or whoever invented it just do it for everyone at the same time? Time, time, time, time, time, time, time. Do you believe in the Quickening?

[B]

This is the idea that time is going fast.

[A]

Ever since 2016, I think years have been twice as fast.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Honestly? Yeah. And that might be because I've grown.

[B]

Do you have anything you want to tell us about the pyramids or something?

[A]

No, that might be because I've grown older and then I've got more context for what time is.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think the Quickening is real. I just think the more life you've lived, the longer time feels. Because if you're five, then the summer holidays feels fucking years. Because it's literally a sixth of your entire lifespan. Whereas by the time that you're 24.

[A]

4.

[B]

Yeah, it's less special.

[A]

It's less. I think the Quickening has happened, though, because it was September yesterday and it's currently November, so that's crazy. What's going on, Dan? Explain it.

[B]

Halloween happened.

[A]

That happened.

[B]

You survived.

[A]

I dressed in very short shorts. I have to say, if you're not.

[B]

Aware of this, we posted a YouTube video on YouTube.com Dan and Phil where we did femboy baking banana bread.

[A]

I am shocked nothing fell out of those shorts. I'm shocked because there wasn't much of a gap between.

[B]

You had an option to wear a skirt, but Phil was like, nah, I need to show off the cake.

[A]

No. I feel like my butt is the great attribute that I have as a femboy.

[B]

We're going back to the model thing here. Phil, I think. Was there a boy that you dated in university or are you just about yourself and you had some kind of weird stress induced episode?

[A]

Okay. Skirt didn't show off my assets as well as the.

[B]

You needed the tight booty shorts.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, if I'm gonna go there. And you'd done all the makeup and stuff. I felt like I needed something to show off.

[B]

So do you feel like you could have femmed it up more?

[A]

Whenever I put on any kind of makeup, which has probably been three times in my life. I look terrible. I don't know why.

[B]

Maybe it's just a confidence thing.

[A]

No, you looked incredible though. We did a little tester on me and I was like, phil, oh, no.

[B]

Am I allowed to say that I looked incredible or are you gonna then break up with me because you don't. Or partners to compliment themselves. No.

[A]

You can have some self love. You did look like enough. You looked like a Snapchat filter. But you were like in real life.

[B]

Pejorative compliments. No.

[A]

Complimentary. Yes.

[B]

Thank you very much. Appreciate that. I feel like sometimes I look better as a sexy nun or a femboy than I do as just Dan the guy sitting.

[A]

Talk about the people lost on Spotify. Who is Sister Daniel?

[B]

Oh, in case you don't know, I bought a spirit Halloween slutty nun costume two years ago and I changed humanity forever.

[A]

You did.

[B]

A lot of people with religious trauma say they were healed. Perhaps their heels were revealed. I think it's how it works.

[A]

I've never been so confused.

[B]

But it's not drag.

[A]

No.

[B]

I don't feel like. And I don't think it's an alter ego. It's not me. It's a completely differential is a completely different entity.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't think when we dressed as femboys for Halloween baking the. We were tapping into that.

[A]

No. But do you think Sister Daniel and Femboy Daniel would have had a situationship if they'd have met?

[B]

And what is the situation?

[A]

I don't know. They met in the.

[B]

Sister Daniel does not like the Femboys.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

In fact, they don't get on.

[A]

What does she like?

[B]

Very little is good enough for.

[A]

What about Father Philip and Femboy Philip?

[B]

100%. Something nasty going on there. And Father Philip sub.

[A]

Yeah, 100%.

[B]

You know that catboy is serving him crawling breakfast in bed.

[A]

Breakfast in bed.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Where do I sign up for this?

[B]

Not here.

[A]

Not here. Okay.

[B]

Maybe you should revert back to Gordon.

[A]

Gordon.

[B]

Did Gordon ever make your toast?

[A]

Gordon was yours, not mine.

[B]

What's your guy's not government name?

[A]

John Smith.

[B]

John Smith the model. Tell us more about him. Phil. People want to know the tea. I'm just trying to get Phil to accidentally leak something. And also, I don't know a lot about this, so I'm just enjoying scooping.

[A]

I can't leak anything else. We did make a YouTube video together. What? But they never saw the light of day, thank God.

[B]

But he wasn't a performer. He was Just a dude.

[A]

It's all I knew.

[B]

What was he studying? Can you share that or is it narrowing too much?

[A]

It's narrowing too much now.

[B]

What genre of study was it? Science.

[A]

It was entertainment.

[B]

Oh. He was doing some media things.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Okay. Interest. Do you like this FBI podcast?

[A]

You're just trying to figure it out. So you're gonna go hunt him down.

[B]

And say, have the keys to the studio?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wanna go on holiday.

[A]

Come in, please.

[B]

What did you attempt to film?

[A]

We filmed.

[B]

Why are you giggling like it's porn? What the fuck was it?

[A]

It was not porn. It was a dramatic horror.

[B]

You did your first indie horror film with some model?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Wow. Was he in front of the camera?

[A]

He was in front of the camera.

[B]

Were you also in front of the camera?

[A]

No, I was filming him. I was the director.

[B]

Phil, I gotta be honest. The optics on this are looking real dodge.

[A]

He woke up in bed and got murdered by a parrot.

[B]

A parrot?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, there's the Phil. Yeah.

[A]

No, that's what happened.

[B]

No, no. I hundred believe. Yeah. No, There's a point where you say something that's so weird confirms that it's 100% factual. So there we go, baking.

[A]

Am I right? We baked banana bread.

[B]

I like baking, but we're not very good at it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Now we've done it at least a dozen or two times.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Some people do this as a hobby to the point that they apply to. Go on, Bake Off. Have you gotten the tingle that you love baking?

[A]

Are you just saying you would love it if I was like, hey, honey, I've made you some cakes?

[B]

I bet Gordon would come back from train school and make me a big muffin.

[A]

What is train school?

[B]

Also sounds like a horrible sex act.

[A]

It does.

[B]

Have you had the big muffin? Yeah, we did the big muffin yesterday.

[A]

Look, I think.

[B]

Listen. Stop, stop, Stop.

[C]

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[A]

We're still getting a lot of comments about the lava lamp. You completely missed the chance to call the lava lamp gender fluid. Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

The lava lamp really looks like some little sperms finding their way. Look at them go.

[A]

Can you not be tadpoles?

[B]

Oh, it's like that college boy betting thing that happened.

[A]

Oh, my God. Stop it.

[B]

Go, go, go. Did you watch that? That was so short.

[A]

What the.

[B]

I didn't pay for it. Just to be clear, what was it called?

[A]

The Sperm Olympics?

[B]

Yeah, something like that.

[A]

No, I didn't watch. Did you tune in?

[B]

No.

[A]

Did they release the product? No, Phil.

[B]

They put it in a petri dish. Oh, my God.

[A]

I just wonder. I don't know what it was.

[B]

Right. Well, anyway, we've bought a timer for the lava lamp because.

[A]

Wait, we need context for that. There was an event where they raced sperm down a track to see who had the best swimmers.

[B]

And the next one is that this lava lamp looks like sperm. Tadpoles.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Clots.

[A]

I'd be interested.

[B]

Body parts. Stalagmites.

[A]

I'd be interested how healthy my sperm are.

[B]

And so we've bought a timer so that next week we can turn on the lava lamp early and it will just be doing nice. It will be more kind of like breasty blobs than. Or should I say, butt cheeks?

[A]

Butt cheeks. That's the theme of today. Ass. Are you not curious how healthy your sperm are? I know we're not trying to make a baby here, but I thought we.

[B]

Were pivoting to ass.

[A]

Sorry, we will pivot to ass. But I just wanted to know. It's one of those things that if I had a microscope set, I would want to have a little look at my little guys.

[B]

I think that you can do that whenever you feel like it.

[A]

I don't have a microscope.

[B]

You're quite a sickly individual.

[A]

Yeah. You're saying that I've had my laptop on my crotch for too long?

[B]

Oh, if that's the thing, we're cooked. Like, we are literally microwaved.

[A]

But do you know when animals are exposed to radiation, they get new powers? Like they'll find a glowing fish in a stream near a reactor. Yeah, yeah. Maybe mine have developed.

[B]

I think that just explains why you are the way you are.

[A]

Thoughts?

[B]

Thoughts.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Help. That's what they're thinking.

[A]

Ass.

[B]

And what the hell's next. Just waiting for Christmas and then dying of old age. Why are you trying to life, brother?

[A]

Going back to the Quickening?

[B]

Feeding outside. Exactly.

[A]

Bonfire night.

[B]

What is that about?

[A]

Do you know, people?

[B]

Are we pro blowing up the government or against it? What was his deal?

[A]

If you're not in the uk, we have this thing where we burn a man on a fire each year, symbolically. Guy Fawkes Night. It's kind of like your 4th of July, but without the.

[B]

Without the what, Phil?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

History with the Ph Fistory.

[A]

We're burning Guy Fawkes. Why?

[B]

Because he didn't like the version of Christianity that was being peddled at the time and so he wanted to explode the whole Parliament.

[A]

Did you ever burn.

[B]

Which is like niche drama.

[A]

What? Did you ever burn a Guy Fawke?

[B]

I thought he was just saying, like, did I ever set fire to a man?

[A]

Did you ever set fire to the government, Dan?

[B]

I mean, what, did you burn a.

[A]

Guy Fawkes with your family?

[B]

No, that ain't normal. I've set fire to a big load of sticks, though.

[A]

I got my old school uniform and wrapped and put loads of newspaper in it.

[B]

Did a bit of terrorism and put.

[A]

That on the bonfire. We looked like we were burning a child. Why? Because I was child shaped at the time.

[B]

What were you like? I don't need this anymore, so I'm gonna set fire to it.

[A]

And I wanted it.

[B]

Fuck donating it. I mean, who would want that?

[A]

I wanted it to go up in flames, right?

[B]

Yeah. Symbolic.

[A]

I pour air.

[B]

Rebirth.

[A]

I poured loads of my mum's cooking oil on it.

[B]

Who the fuck just sent me a notification when Phil's talking about burning children. Tumblr.

[A]

Tumblr.

[B]

It better be nice after watching Hard launch. We just want to say thank you, Dan and Phil, all of Tumblr loves you.

[A]

Aw, Tumblr.

[B]

Shut the fuck up. We're in the middle of recording.

[A]

They're in the walls. How do they know we're recording right now? Tumblr.

[B]

This is Phil. Because whenever Phil downloads an app and they're like, permissions, which. And Phil just goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like contacts, microphone, camera, ring doorbell, Grandma's life support machine. Phil just like, yes, yes, yes. Look, there's no. I am paranoid, right? I'm sat in the corner with my tinfoil hat on, being like, no, Twitter cannot know my location. No one can know. To the point where my own job is impossible because I'm trying to post to YouTube and it goes, you haven't allowed YouTube permission to exist on your phone.

[A]

I just think I'm living with him.

[B]

And he's just like, pussy to the world. Fucking live on TikTok.

[A]

What my pussy is to the world. Because they're gonna find out all this stuff anyway.

[B]

That is such a gratitude, bro. No, come on in. Keep it safe.

[A]

Come inside.

[B]

Absolutely not. Close that door. Protect it while we can.

[A]

But now I get ads really specific to things I want to buy.

[B]

Yeah, I know. The ads are great. They know me so well and it's like, I try not to give them anything, but then my Instagram ads are just like, hey, Dan, here's this silly novelty T shirt you want. And I'm like, go on, then.

[A]

So I wasn't burning a child on a fire. It was. I covered it in my mum's cooking oil and I. I thought it would go woomph. But that's not what oil does. No, that's like sunflower oil for making a pancake.

[B]

Ah, the smell of child Dan in the evening.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who are you talking about?

[B]

You cooked with sunflower oil.

[A]

We did, yeah.

[B]

Ever heard of petrol?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bonfire toffee. I've baked that before. Actual independent, successful bake. Cause what is toffee? It's just fucking burnt sugar. What about you can't fuck it up. It's literally you put sugar in a pan and then once at some point it's gonna kill you. Cause it's hard and it breaks your teeth.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Congratulations. That's actually the intentional final product.

[A]

What about parking?

[B]

The act with a car?

[A]

No, what's parking? What I. Dogging.

[B]

Is that like parking?

[A]

Is that like dogging, Phil?

[B]

Cars. You park cars?

[A]

Oh, no, I thought you were saying, like, oh, we're gonna go in the woods and parkin'.

[B]

What in the Mormon vocabulary is that?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Hey, you ever did some naughty parking?

[A]

I didn't, but.

[B]

What?

[A]

I don't even know what I'm saying.

[B]

Straight version.

[A]

Stop. Just let me focus on one thought.

[B]

Take the keys out, Daniel. You know the name Daniel. Drive it in there. Turn off the car.

[A]

I want Gordon.

[B]

Leave for the evening.

[A]

I want Gordon back.

[B]

And if you're really naughty ev. Parking. We don't need to go into that.

[A]

I would feel very nervous to sit in a car and flash my lights at someone, because what if they get in the back and they're really ugly?

[B]

Well, if you're flashing your lights at them, you've got, like, at least a moment to go. Yeah, full beam on. And then you go oh, right, you pass the face test. Boot over.

[A]

So you just switch the lights off if they get too close.

[B]

And also the back.

[A]

I've never done it.

[B]

It has to be a. It's a three person thing, isn't it? Traditionally, yes. We wouldn't know because we don't drive.

[A]

We don't drive.

[B]

And that's the only reason why we don't know.

[A]

No. What was I even saying?

[B]

Parkin, it's time to bring in Richard, the random topic generator. Because, dear Lord, we need her. We need her or him or him, but not them.

[A]

Come on. Woo.

[B]

Fuck. Yeah.

[A]

One last thing though. Joey got a fixation on roller coasters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I had a fixation on fireworks. And I would line them all up in order that we would release them in the garden. And then I would just line them up in my bedroom at the end of the bed pyro tracks and wait all week and look at them in the middle of the night going, I will be lighting you soon.

[B]

And how do you channel this yearn for explosive violence in your adult life?

[A]

By twisting Richard's teats. Right.

[B]

Richard, save us. Maybe it's one of those animals where it's just like one holders everything.

[A]

It's a pink one.

[B]

Oh my God, it's close to red. Look, one of those reds is gonna come. And remember, guys, if this red ball gets picked, we die.

[A]

Something horrible happens if we pick a red ball. Do you want the crack? Get it out. Ready? Oh. Do you want to read it? Go on. Release. What?

[B]

Make an acrostic poem about each other.

[A]

Okay, well, it's an acrostic poem. Is that where it's like the letters of the name?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, I'm ready. Daniel, does it have to rhyme?

[B]

No, it's just expression.

[A]

Wait, I know. I want to really think about it. Give me one second.

[B]

We can't think about it too hard.

[A]

Okay. Okay, wait, I'm there.

[B]

I raw dogged it. Piss, he insists. Language is perplexing.

[A]

What does piss, he insists mean?

[B]

I don't know, just shit that comes out of your mouth. That's just how. Has anyone watched this podcast and not thought that is the perfect fill?

[A]

Fine. We have talked about piss quite a lot to be fair. Daniel. Yeah, always nice ideas, excitement, llamas of a fish. Great.

[B]

Oh, I feel bad now. Yours was nice.

[A]

I thought of really nice things about you. Excitement, ideas.

[B]

You kind of ruined it with llamas though. I do feel like mine was more.

[A]

I could have been like edgy, idiot, loser, ditzy ass.

[B]

Who the fuck Is Nob. Who the fuck is Eeldak and why are you coming for them like that? Ildak Eodak is in the YouTube comments right now being like, not me.

[A]

That was quite a short, Richard, wasn't it?

[B]

Thanks, Richard.

[A]

Thank you, Richard.

[B]

Thank fuck.

[A]

What's happening in the world then? What have you read about?

[B]

BTs are back.

[A]

Are they back?

[B]

Nature's healing.

[A]

Oh, my lads. Your lads? No, I just.

[B]

People still wants attention on Twitter. I love K Pop.

[A]

I'm not trying to get attention.

[B]

You love K Pop. Name five Ks. I'll wait.

[A]

Jimin J.

[B]

Hope I wasn't expecting you to do this, but keep going.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

There's only 920k pop stars.

[A]

You put me on the spot now.

[B]

Name a woman.

[A]

You name a woman.

[B]

Hillary Clinton. Exactly. How do you feel you would do with mandatory military service, Phil?

[A]

I feel like I would do terribly at mandatory military service. I am scared of anything. Authoritarian government, military being told what to do. No.

[B]

Going for a walk with a heavy bag.

[A]

If they brought this into the UK, I'm sure it'd be very different to whatever BTs had to go through. You know what I mean? I feel like the UK army would just be like, scrub my shoe, scrub my shoe. I don't know. Fire that laser.

[B]

You know, there's this idea of people being like broken by the boot camp trainer. I feel like you would cause them to have a spiral and quit their job.

[A]

I would break them, yeah.

[B]

Sergeant Steve absolutely does not have what it takes to break in Phil.

[A]

He's gonna be a florist after he's done with me.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Not that there's anything wrong with being a florist. I think it's much better than killing people.

[B]

He wants the tulip tending lifestyle after the real horror, which is just asking Phil to do anything.

[A]

Yes. I've done one obstacle course in my life and that was hard enough when Pre Dan. Pre Dan.

[B]

Did you do it with John Smith?

[A]

I did it with John Smith.

[B]

Did he backflip modelingly up the climbing wall?

[A]

He pulled me off the rope.

[B]

Modelishly.

[A]

Modelishly. We rolled around in the mud.

[B]

And then he talked to you about media.

[A]

Yeah, that's what happened. What about you? Would you be alright? Waking up at 6am running up the hill, gathering the weapon?

[B]

Part of me craves the structure.

[A]

Yeah. What about showering with lots of men?

[B]

So someone put like an AI book of us on Amazon.

[A]

Oh, why are we talking about AI books?

[B]

This just made me fucking laugh. So obviously a dystopian tech update. People can just shit out anything.

[A]

Can they do that? Is this legal?

[B]

So if you don't know, someone was like like Dan and Phil biography the truth. And I think the entire text is AI generated. But also they used an AI generated picture of us.

[A]

Why do I look so fucked up? Yeah, I look like an eagle.

[B]

They're like, is he blonde? Does he have emo hair? I can't just.

[A]

That is full.

[B]

Yeah, I look like me on acid.

[A]

You look more jolly.

[B]

I look sleep paralysis demon.

[A]

I don't like to give any attention to AI. I think this is terrible.

[B]

Yeah, well, I don't think anyone's gonna buy this as it not a real product.

[A]

I guess we're just disclaimering it's not official.

[B]

We own the copyright to Dan and Phil. We could police this. Could we visit camp?

[A]

It's not camp.

[B]

No, no, not in a good way. I just mean like, is it artistically symbolic of how cooked we are as a society?

[A]

Yeah. It's making me worry very much. But we should write our own expose book about each other.

[B]

We actually have had two book deals.

[A]

Should we do it?

[B]

Come in based on the story.

[A]

We could go really in depth.

[B]

Do you know why I said what I was like? What the fuck do you think there is to tell that we haven't already yapped to death about in section?

[A]

Actually, there are some things actually people wanted to clarify. One was that when we met performatively, people were saying you were saying that you liked Muse just to get me.

[B]

I didn't lie about liking Final Fantasy and Muse. I was just very, very loud about it. I was like, what are Phil's intrusion? Same.

[A]

I would have known if you'd not actually a real fan of Muse.

[B]

Okay, yeah, you like Final Fantasy. What were the fantasies leading up to the final one?

[A]

Name more fantasies.

[B]

Spell Muse. Exactly, exactly.

[A]

And other people were wondering more things about what happened the day we did meet.

[B]

We walked around town, we went to an Apple store because this was a point in society where there was so little to fucking do. It's like, oh, let's just go look at a laptop.

[A]

I did not buy Dan a 4000 bottle of champagne or whatever it said on the picture that we.

[B]

We went to a bar and there was a picture of the menu which had a 4,000 pound bottle of champagne. And so Phil tweeted, I might just buy this lol. And then obviously people doing parasocial archaeology are like, oh my God, I just discovered that Phil bought a 4,000 pound bottle of champagne. You wouldn't have bought me a Lucozade back then.

[A]

I had, like, £23 in my bank account. I wasn't buying that champagne. I think I was actually putting on a slight performance of being more confident than I actually am. I think that's the only thing I did that was different.

[B]

Because Phil obviously needs to be less loud and bold and unafraid.

[A]

Yeah. The thing is, I'm quite introverted but also loud at the same time. I think that's what people are shocked by.

[B]

Truly the worst of both worlds.

[A]

When they meet me in real life, they're like, oh, okay, you are quite annoying. So maybe I tried to tone it down and be more cool. That's what I was trying to be.

[B]

Be yourself. Oh, my God, I just released a pop.

[A]

What is that for? Dan's got some weird, like, strappy thing going on in his jeans where they're connected at the back.

[B]

I'm popping and I'm flapping.

[A]

I feel like that flap is a hazard.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna blow up this chair at some point and not cause of the ibs. Am I right, listener from the last episode?

[A]

You're. I was gonna say bowels. You don't have anything that.

[B]

Why?

[A]

What? You can just eat anything and you're fine? It's not fair.

[B]

Okay, I'll check. My privilege.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I'm sorry. Well, now that we got onto that, why don't we see what else is happening with our listeners? Oh, yes, because Dan and Phil have no problem yapping, opening up, and being themselves. And you see, this is the power of hard launching.

[A]

It is. This is where you can hard launch anything you want into the universe. And we will listen.

[B]

Who sent in a message?

[C]

Yes, hello, Dan and Phil.

[B]

My name is Lolly, and I would like to hard launch that. We need to start accepting that some babies are ugly. Sometimes someone will give you their child.

[C]

That is fresh out of the womb, and they look like fresh out of.

[B]

Like, a garden plot, and they look like little gnomes, and you have no.

[C]

Compliment to give them, so you just.

[B]

Go, that sure is a baby.

[A]

Why'd you just point at me when we were hearing that? Whoa. Are you saying I've not grown into my face yet?

[B]

You like amongst root vegetables? It could be worse.

[A]

I feel like I've got turnip energy.

[B]

I was about to say turnip.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a turnip.

[B]

I do think, what root vegetable am I?

[A]

Potato. I think that babies need to grow into their face. There's, like, the first week where every baby looks horrible and Then, sorry, if you just had one.

[B]

But not the people. There will be thousands of people listening and watching to this with their childs in their house.

[A]

No, they start off with like quite raisin esque and then they turn into beautiful gray after a week.

[B]

And some people it takes three days, three weeks. Some people it takes 20, 27, 27 years. What? The Quickening, bro. Phil is. It's been a long podcast episode.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

Yeah, just own it.

[A]

Own it. The baby's gonna look better in a week.

[B]

And if not, Snapchat filter also.

[A]

Wait, there's no such thing as ugly. So true. Everyone is valid. All faces are beautiful. And if you think otherwise, you've been brainwashed by the media.

[B]

Yeah, and there, that was the click of agreement. I wasn't pointing at you again, being like ugly. Yep.

[A]

Next. I'm hard launching full bush year round.

[B]

I think it's time for the girls, gays and theys to really embrace the velcro power.

[A]

And you know, if people need to use a machete to cut through, it's an interesting task, you know, are they up for the quest? Nay, the adventure?

[B]

Oh my. What a good way to think of it.

[A]

You have a way with words.

[B]

Enrichment. You know what I mean? People need something to do. Some people need their attention focused.

[A]

They do. I feel like bushes could be molded more if you're gonna go there.

[B]

What, like a hedgerow?

[A]

Yeah, you could do like a full topiary dragon. Why not like a haircut but a bushcut.

[B]

Phil's out here. Hedge mazing.

[A]

Hedge maze. Did Kim Kardashian not release some kind of like bush panties song? Would you get it?

[B]

No. No, but I respect your right to say, you know what, 100% thick it.

[A]

What about dying it blue? Sonic.

[B]

Gotta go fast. Next.

[C]

Hi, my name is Jade from Tasmania, Australia, and I would like to hard launch the knowledge that if you just ask nicely enough, funeral directors will let you keep prosthetic bones from your deceased loved ones. My uncle has got my grandmother's hip sitting on the shelf in his stomach.

[A]

What?

[C]

So we are no contact with them?

[A]

What?

[B]

No.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm so. Okay, sorry, there's just a lot of information to process there. Firstly, why would you want to keep a fake inside surgical part of a deceased loved one?

[A]

Because that's all that's left of her. Burn.

[B]

It wouldn't burn. Give me the hit. Why the why. Why did he want the hip?

[A]

That's very like Terminator as well.

[B]

Sorry. And was did you go no contact because he wanted to Keep the hip because maybe I understand that. Or is that just like a piece of law? If I had you decided to drop.

[A]

In there, metal plates put in my.

[B]

Ass, which would explain a lot.

[A]

And then I died?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would you keep the cheeks?

[B]

Fuck, I'd ebay that. That'd pay for my retirement.

[A]

True.

[B]

Which one of you nasty bitches would want Phil's ass implants?

[A]

You're cla. Oh, my God, you're clowning though. Your uncle's got a prosthetic dog.

[C]

What?

[A]

Your uncle's got a prosthetic dog in front of the fireplace, Right? Or is it your granddad?

[B]

My great uncle, who is a farmer, turned his sheepdog into a rug.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

He doesn't have a prosthetic dog. That makes it sound like he had some kind of dog implant. He got that dog in him, literally. But it ain't a real one on its prosthetic. And you don't know what it's attached to. And you don't know what he does with it.

[A]

Oh, my God. You know what I'm trying to say?

[B]

Nobody knows what the fuck you're trying to say, Phil.

[A]

I'm just saying it's similar. And I would get you stuffed if you died.

[B]

I'm sorry. Okay, thank you so much for sending in these ones, but I need another one.

[A]

Can we have a nice one?

[B]

We can't end on grandma's hypno contact.

[A]

Amelia, please find something nice.

[B]

Hi, my name is Maria and I'm.

[C]

Hard lunching a quinceanera. It's for my dog, James. He is dead, kind of blind and 15 years old. But he deserves a nice little party and everybody to say happy birthday to him. Thank you.

[A]

Yes, Happy birthday.

[B]

Okay, I'm healed after that.

[A]

I'm healed somewhere. I love it.

[B]

There is a 15 year old dog struggling through life and we need to say have the happiest day.

[A]

Or in dog.

[B]

You can't say that. That's a slur.

[A]

Oops. Wait, wait. Oh, sorry. The dog language is a tricky beast.

[B]

If you want to send in a hard launch that can clearly be about literally anything. Email your name, your location, your content, and a short description of what the ever loving shit you're about to drop to.

[A]

Hardlaunchpodcastmail.com got it right this time. Why are we clapping?

[B]

I just feel like it's for the dog. It's for us. It's for them making us through this.

[A]

Our third podcast.

[B]

Oh my God, guys, you're our third.

[A]

Thank you for being our third and.

[B]

The last probably Bye.