We tried to have a romantic dinner date

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "We tried to have a romantic dinner date"
Release Date: December 1, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Studio: Studio71

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, Dan and Phil recount their attempt at a romantic dinner date, only to discover the comedic pitfalls of spending 16 years together. The episode devolves (as intended) into a candid discussion of relationship dynamics, holiday rituals, alternative advent calendars, home renovation drama, internet news oddities, and fan interactions. With their characteristic banter, Dan and Phil overshare with gleeful abandon, providing listeners with hilarious, sometimes touching, always chaotic insights into their lives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. The Romantic Dinner Date Fiasco

Timestamps: 01:00–02:40

• Dinner Date Disappointment:

  • Dan and Phil share their recent attempt at a romantic dinner, which went awkwardly silent—prompting existential questions about long-term relationships bereft of new conversation topics.
  • Dan: "The problem was about an hour in, we ran out of conversation. I think we have had every chat that two people can have in a life together." (01:22)
  • Phil confesses he was distracted by buying Dan a Christmas present; Dan meanwhile thinks they're both guilty for checking their phones.
  • Phil jokes: "It was a ball gag, so you'd stop interrupting me." (02:32)

• Healthy Silence in Relationships:

  • Dan wonders if a healthy relationship means being content being on their phones in each other’s company.

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2. Phil's Festive Obsession & Christmas Traditions

Timestamps: 02:40–06:30

• 1st of December Vibes:

  • Phil is eagerly embracing the festive season: "I am so hard for Christmas. So many festive possibilities. So many wondrous moments." (03:00)
  • Hilarious complaints about a Christmas tree delivery service that promised (but didn't provide) a man in a kilt:
    • Phil: "Where's the kilt? Where's the kilt?" (03:42)
    • Dan: "You paid for the service. Where are the thighs?" (04:02)

• Advent Calendar Dilemma:

  • Dan buys Phil an advent calendar, but since Phil can't eat chocolate, alternative options like chips and dips or a jigsaw puzzle are discussed.
  • Phil on his ideal calendar: "Just like 50 quid in each one." (06:25)
  • Phil is genuinely delighted with a jigsaw puzzle calendar:
    • "That's a nice little Christmas miracle, isn't it? You're witnessing joy. That's close. Joy to the world." (07:25)

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3. Home Safety, Board Games, and Childhood Lore

Timestamps: 09:40–12:13

• Phil's Home Safety Board Game:
  • Dan gifts Phil a fire extinguisher, leading to a discussion of Phil’s childhood creation—the "Home Safety Game".
  • Phil: "The picture of it was just a house on fire and you had to navigate your way around...trying to save your belongings while your family was..." (11:11)
  • Dan chides Phil about prioritizing items over family, and Phil reveals he misspelled it as "Homestead Safdie game."

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4. Builder Drama & Domestic Power Dynamics

Timestamps: 13:00–16:48

• Builder Interactions:

  • Dan claims Phil is “assigned bottom by builders,” prompting playful banter about stereotypes.
  • Phil bemoans being the "bad cop" of their duo when it comes to their ambitious home renovations.
  • Ongoing jokes about moon forest–themed décor and "plastering everything in the house."
    • Dan: "I am the dreamer and you are the crusher." (14:00)
    • Phil: "You're gonna plaster the kettle. Gonna plaster the plaster box in the first aid kit." (15:05)

• Builder Gossip:

  • Phil hears builders talking about them via the doorbell camera:
    • "They say, 'We’d get so much more work done if his boyfriend didn’t stop telling us to do shit.' I can hear you!" (16:21)

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5. Pop Culture Hot Takes: Wicked and Online Discourse

Timestamps: 17:01–19:32

• Wicked Press Tour & Internet Conspiracies:

  • The duo discuss the outlandish claims online about celebrities like Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande being "lizard people."
  • Dan breaks down the joke term "non demi-curious semi-binary relationship" from a viral satirical post:
    • Dan: "If you're non demi-curious, it means I'm open to just being really horny." (19:07)

• Meta-Commentary on Internet Culture:

  • Phil frames their own relationship as “non demi-curious semi-binary,” poking fun at internet labels.

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6. The Return of the Weird News Segment

Timestamps: 20:56–24:11

• Naming the Segment:
  • Dan and Phil brainstorm names for Phil’s new weird news segment: "Lester’s Lowdown," "the Fuse," and "the Foop."
• Weird News Stories:
  • Bald Eagle Drops Dead Cat on Car in North Carolina
    • Phil: "A cat fell out of the sky because an eagle got it. A bald eagle." (22:17)
    • Dan: "Some of the hottest people are bald. Patrick Stewart." (22:27)
  • Conservation Efforts to Save London’s Hairy Snail
    • Dan: "From bald eagle to hairy snail. The message there is whether you’re losing it all or someone out there that goes, I don't want to shave my legs. It's winter. That's valid." (23:39)
  • Ends with musings about snail "bush" and the desirability of “hairy mates.”

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7. Incoherent Board Game Chaos: Dan & Phil Version

Timestamps: 25:30–29:24

• “Incoherent” Game:

  • Dan and Phil play the "Incoherent" board game, where jibberish phrases must be deciphered into rude or relevant phrases.
  • Legendary topics:
    • Phil: "Anal fisting. Fish sting." (25:58)
    • Dan: “Commitment issues… come in my shoes.” (26:23)
    • "Let's make babies." (27:43)
    • “Long and thick.” (28:06)
  • Special Dan & Phil–themed versions contributed by fans:
    • "Child of fevors"
    • "Today's sponsor NordVPN"
    • "The feel"

• Patreon Bonus:

  • Promise of “NSFW” version of the game on Patreon.

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8. Viewer Questions/Richard’s Balls: The Australia Segment

Timestamps: 30:00–33:02

• Topic: Australia
  • Dan and Phil riff in (dubious) Australian accents about their travels Down Under, bugs and the healthy aura of Australians.
  • Phil recounts meeting Kylie Minogue: "Kylie remembered me at the Brits red carpet. She's like, 'Oh, Phil.'" (32:35)
  • Application:
    • Phil: "If I wasn't dating you, I might date an Australian." (32:55)
    • Dan: "Okay, Australians, you pass the FIL. Fuck a ball with a ph test." (33:02)

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9. Hard Launches—Fan Confessions & Rants

Timestamps: 33:13–36:53

• Caller 1: Willa (Kentucky) — Free the Nipple

  • "Women should be allowed to be topless in the same places that men are... Men, it's just there for looks... that makes them decorative." (33:26)
  • Both Dan and Phil agree on equality, but Phil quips, "I wouldn't want to rub my areas on a sandy beach."

• Caller 2: Sarah (Scottish Highlands) — Who Counts as ‘Northern’

  • "No one in England or Wales can call themselves northern... unless you’re from Glasgow and above." (34:43)
  • Phil: "Anything below Manchester... I don't think Birmingham is in the north. Manchester and above." (35:18)

• Caller 3: Savannah (USA) — ‘Fuck You, Jeff’

  • Savannah rants about her mother’s “manchild” husband, calling him out by name: "Fuck you, Jeff. All my homies hate you." (36:02)
  • Dan: "Hard launch—Jeff, out the window... don't. We don't condone violence." (36:27)
  • Phil: "Talk mad shit. We can be your therapy—just hopefully they won't listen to the podcast." (36:48)

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10. Teases and Closing Banter

Timestamps: 37:09–37:49

• Christmas Episode Tease:
  • Dan: "Are we going to do a Christmas episode in a couple of weeks? Not yet." (37:19)
• Corduroy Boys:
  • Both joke about matching corduroy outfits.
• Sign-off & Patreon Plug:
  • Invitation to Patreon for more unfiltered content.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan: "The problem was about an hour in, we ran out of conversation. I think we have had every chat that two people can have in a life together." (01:22)
• Phil: "Where's the kilt? Where’s the kilt?" (03:42)
• Dan: "You paid for the service. Where are the thighs?" (04:02)
• Phil: "If I could have any advent calendar...money. Just like 50 quid in each one." (06:25)
• Dan: "You're gonna plaster the kettle. Gonna plaster the plaster box in the first aid kit." (15:05)
• Phil: "A cat fell out of the sky because an eagle got it. A bald eagle." (22:17)
• Dan (breaking down internet labels): "If you're non demi-curious, it means I'm open to just being really horny." (19:07)
• Phil (on builder drama): "They say, 'We’d get so much more work done if his boyfriend didn’t stop telling us to do shit.' I can hear you!" (16:21)
• Fan Savannah: "Fuck you, Jeff. All my homies hate you." (36:02)

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Segment Timestamps (Quick Guide)

• Dinner Date Breakdown: 01:00–02:40
• Christmas Traditions & Advent Calendars: 02:40–07:32
• Home Safety & Childhood Lore: 09:40–12:13
• Builder Drama & Domestic Banter: 13:00–16:48
• Internet Culture & Pop Hot Takes: 17:01–19:32
• Weird News Segment: 20:56–24:11
• Incoherent Board Game: 25:30–29:24
• Listener Topics – Australia: 30:00–33:02
• Fan Hard Launches: 33:13–36:53
• Outro Banter & Patreon Tease: 37:09–37:49

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Tone & Style

The tone throughout is playful, self-deprecating, and candid, with Dan and Phil bouncing off each other's quips, never shying from the absurd or the intimate. Their long-shared history is front and center, making the podcast feel both inclusive and gloriously unfiltered.

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For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent example of Dan and Phil’s ability to turn the mundane into comedy gold—whether it’s the awkwardness of long-term relationships, disappointment over a Christmas tree delivery, or an escalating argument about who is the “bad cop” in their home. The mix of personal anecdotes, fan participation, and satirical commentaries—punctuated by their signature British banter—captures everything that makes HARD LAUNCH so bingeable.

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If you want even more chaotic energy, filthy board game shenanigans, or unfiltered hard launches, check out their Patreon for bonus segments and after-parties.

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

This episode is brought to you by Netflix. Global superstar and comedy sensation Kevin Hart returns for his fifth Netflix special. Acting My Age.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not the same man that I used to be.

[Dan Howell]

I go down the stairs sideways.

[Phil Lester]

Go ahead. You in a rush. Go around.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

With a fresh perspective on life, family and getting older.

[Dan Howell]

Older you get, the less you can have.

[Phil Lester]

Is this sesame seeds on that bun? Get it out of here.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Kevin's bringing his signature high energy humor and physical comedy in a true return to his stand up origins. Watch Kevin Hart Acting My Age now streaming only on Netflix.

[Advertiser]

Coca Cola for the big, for the small, the short and the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers for the optimists, Pessimists for long distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers for old friends and new Coca Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca Cola at a store near you.

[Dan Howell]

We have something sad to share with the Internet. After 16 years of the Dan and Phil relationship.

[Phil Lester]

I'm pregnant. No, wait. Why would that be sad?

[Dan Howell]

We have achieved mpreg much to the devastation of Tumblr.

[Phil Lester]

No, I don't know what you're gonna say.

[Dan Howell]

We went out for dinner the other night. Yeah, this is our new. We've hard launched. Maybe we can be seen in public.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, dinner date.

[Dan Howell]

The problem was about an hour in, we ran out of conversation. I think we have had every chat that two people can have in a life together.

[Phil Lester]

Have we reached the end of conversation?

[Dan Howell]

And then Phil got out his phone and I was just sat there looking at some pasta and I just thought, how has this happened?

[Phil Lester]

Wait. Because we usually have dinner with other people. This is one of our first in ages together.

[Dan Howell]

We were roasted together.

[Phil Lester]

No, wait. I got on my phone for a secret reason.

[Dan Howell]

Cause you're a rude ass bitch. I've just given up on this marriage.

[Phil Lester]

What marriage? I had an idea in my head I didn't want to forget. And it was a little Christmas present for you. And I was like making sure that I remembered it.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. Because I got out my phone and I just started looking at reels.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Wow, right? I thought we were doing that thing now I am the asshole. You are. You were buying me a surprise gift.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I am so sorry.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

There was me thinking maybe we've gone full circle and actually a healthy relationship is when you can sit in complet. One of you is looking at TikTok, the other person's looking at reels.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe that is the enlightenment we've reached though.

[Dan Howell]

I'm so sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, well, you're not getting your gift now.

[Dan Howell]

What was the gift? What was so important that you had to interrupt the dinner?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it was a ball gag, so you'd stop interrupting me.

[Dan Howell]

Wait. Everybody shut up.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, it's the first of December time. It feels so, so clean. Having a podcast on the first day of clapping it.

[Dan Howell]

Clapping that, cheeks, clapping that. Monday, hard Mondays, hard December, hard Christmas.

[Phil Lester]

I love the 1st of December.

[Dan Howell]

You go hard for Christmas season.

[Phil Lester]

I am so hard for Christmas. So many festive possibilities. So many wondrous moments.

[Dan Howell]

You want to get out the tinsel. You want to get out the spice.

[Phil Lester]

Just pressing tinsel into my nose and giving it a big sniff.

[Dan Howell]

He's been holding it back, and now it's ready to crack.

[Phil Lester]

Honestly, I hate this already. I'm so happy we haven't got a.

[Dan Howell]

Tree yet, because we're just organized.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

And if you don't know, Phil for the last few years has got his tree delivered by a service that will bring a real Christmas tree to your house. But their branding is a man in a kilt will deliver your tree Mill. And Phil had a bit of a Karen incident last year because a man turned up that was obviously just a very grumpy dude with a transit van, and Phil was like, where's the ham?

[Phil Lester]

Where's the kilt? Where's the kilt?

[Dan Howell]

I paid 16 pound shipping, and I want to see toes.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think I was paying for the kilt, though.

[Dan Howell]

Not the tree and service.

[Phil Lester]

I wanted him to arrive all festive with his kilt.

[Dan Howell]

This is a problematic service where they are clearly sending men in kilts to board housewives.

[Phil Lester]

They're advertising it. I'm the bored housewife. I want the man in the kilt.

[Dan Howell]

They're advertising the service. You paid for the service. Where are the thighs?

[Phil Lester]

This year, I'm gonna open the door.

[Dan Howell]

In a kilt to assert dominance.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

If they don't, you're gonna do it for them.

[Phil Lester]

He's 1000% not gonna be wearing a kilt when it arrives. But we're ready for the tree to go up. And if it fails this time, another service. What else could it be?

[Dan Howell]

Like what?

[Phil Lester]

Someone dressed as Santa. Okay, someone dressed as a tree delivering the tree. I'd love that.

[Dan Howell]

I hate that.

[Phil Lester]

Really?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Someone right now is taking an edible and washing hard launch with Dan and Phil, and you're giving them some upsetting imagery.

[Phil Lester]

That's too much. There's also one where they plant it and then they take it back out into the wild and plant it again.

[Dan Howell]

You know that a scam. They're like, we will replant your tree. And then they just set it on fire.

[Phil Lester]

Into the shredder.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. You're not checking, are you?

[Phil Lester]

Advent calendars. We've missed.

[Dan Howell]

It's 1st of December.

[Phil Lester]

I know. I was just thinking about it.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to know something?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

I didn't bring it and I should have before this. I did get you an advent calendar.

[Phil Lester]

You got me an advent calendar?

[Dan Howell]

Yes.

[Phil Lester]

I'd be excited. Am I allowed to know what it is or no?

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is the thing, right? Phil can't have chocolate for dietary reasons, and that has just fucked the whole notion of.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh, the wonders are out there. If you could have any advent calendar, like, you could open anything in an advent calendar. What would you have? Like, what would you choose?

[Dan Howell]

If I could decide my own dream calendar.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I'm feeling pressure because I haven't bought you one, so I'm curious.

[Dan Howell]

It would be chips and dips. It would be. Shut the fuck up.

[Phil Lester]

It would be cold.

[Dan Howell]

I don't care. Microwave it.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, you gotta, like, cook it in an oven. You know, when they send you a hellofresh, you are not gonna sponsor this pod because fuck that shit. That's. They're like, you want to have hellofresh sponsor your podcast, you've got to make the food yourself. You've seen these twinks try to bake something.

[Phil Lester]

Dan, be careful.

[Dan Howell]

They might fuck up your brand. No, I'm hellofresh. If you're watching this, stop. Stay away from the Danifil podcast. We will set fire to it. We will make it look like dog food.

[Phil Lester]

Do you remember that, though? Clickety click. Micro chips. You could, like, get that. And then would you have different dips as well? What would Christmas Day be? Sriracha?

[Dan Howell]

The hell no. It would be like cranberry ketchup. Ooh, exactly.

[Phil Lester]

Cranberry ketchup.

[Dan Howell]

Cranberry mayo. Oh, yeah, not the mayo. Sage mayo.

[Phil Lester]

Sage, yeah. Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Pick some blanket mayo. Turkey mayo. This is now sounding like a disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, this sounds horrible. I'll try and find it for you. If not, I'll make it myself for you. I'll squeeze loads of different mayos together into a.

[Dan Howell]

Please do not do that.

[Phil Lester]

A cardboard door.

[Dan Howell]

What would your dream be?

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I think I would love.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Money. Just like 50 quid in each one.

[Dan Howell]

Wouldn't that be nice? Well, you're gonna need to find a sugar daddy because this Danny ain't gonna give it to you now. I'm super close. Hello. A spartane. Danny, over here.

[Phil Lester]

I just want to buy more labuboos and trinkets. No, what I could get.

[Dan Howell]

Have you seen any alternative calendars that you like, though? Because I see them all the time and it's like the face cream advent calendar. What happened to your soul? Did you used to experience joy as a child eating chocolate? You cannot have the hand cream advent calendar.

[Phil Lester]

Just lick the cream. I did see one, which was like a jigsaw puzzle. So you do a little jigsaw puzzle every day, and then it makes a big jigsaw at the end. What?

[Dan Howell]

And how do you feel about that?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, that's what I want.

[Dan Howell]

I got you a jigsaw advertiser. Are you going? No.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my.

[Dan Howell]

That's what I got you.

[Phil Lester]

Yay.

[Dan Howell]

We saw the same fucking Instagram advert.

[Phil Lester]

Probably. Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Phil Lester]

That's gonna keep me busy.

[Advertiser]

Wow.

[Dan Howell]

If Phil Wright. I gave him a moment to tell me how he really thought, and if he went cringe, I'd have cried.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Wow. That's a nice little Christmas miracle, isn't it? You're witnessing joy. That's close. Joy to the world.

[Dan Howell]

Who's dead? The teacher.

[Phil Lester]

What teacher?

[Dan Howell]

Joy to the world. The teacher's dead.

[Phil Lester]

That's the Southern thing.

[Dan Howell]

You barbecued her head. How does it go? Am I lying right now?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

What's up with children's rhymes not being. Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like this might have been a Simpsons thing.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Nelson and the Simpsons.

[Advertiser]

Joy to the world.

[Phil Lester]

The teacher's dead. Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Were you even a child? Where's your, I don't know, 5 of Simpsons references?

[Phil Lester]

I was 43 when the Simpsons was on. Anyway, what are we wearing? Look at this. If you're listening to the podcast, we are wearing the most fashionable jumpers you've ever seen.

[Dan Howell]

You've ever seen in your entire life. And what does it say?

[Phil Lester]

Fantasyland with a ph.

[Dan Howell]

Is this a real place they can go to?

[Phil Lester]

We've got Little Danced World.

[Dan Howell]

Watch out, because guess who's opening a theme park in Qatar? Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

No, we're not.

[Dan Howell]

I'm kidding.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Where's the oofsa? Where's the fucking oofsa Oofs?

[Phil Lester]

Okay, it's got little purple Dan and Phil cherubs with our hair, a little mullet on the cherub and star. Wait, star sleeves?

[Dan Howell]

50. 50. Almost. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

So if you want to get an.

[Dan Howell]

Asymmetrical, whimsical sweater, I love it.

[Phil Lester]

If you want to get this? It's on danandphilshop.com, but not only that. My children.

[Dan Howell]

We are presenting the dan and Phil 2026 fantasy calendar with a pH.

[Phil Lester]

It's beautiful.

[Dan Howell]

Such a work of art. Literally.

[Phil Lester]

Our friends PJ and Sophie have worked so hard helping us make this calendar.

[Dan Howell]

We have recreated 12 months of iconic fantasy tropes out of cardboard.

[Phil Lester]

Phil as a princess. Dan is a knight.

[Dan Howell]

That's a metaph. Everything in this relationship. What passenger?

[Phil Lester]

I'm not a passenger person.

[Dan Howell]

Having a lovely time in the castle.

[Phil Lester]

And this is what my makeup was for when we were fairies.

[Dan Howell]

You served glam fairy like Phil. Spin it around. There's one more.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, no. That's too much.

[Dan Howell]

Transhuman future in a cyberpunk reality. Phil is going to put his body in a toaster.

[Phil Lester]

I cannot wait. Sorry. My dogs are out on the month of May.

[Dan Howell]

You're selling people your pay gating toe?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Damn.

[Phil Lester]

Buy my toes if you want.

[Dan Howell]

12 fantastic, beautiful images of Phil, and I am also there. You can go to danandphilshop.com and all these other regional variations to get a calendar or a sweater.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you to anyone that sponsors and grabs one. I can't wait to stare at you from your wall.

[Dan Howell]

You made it weird. I've got another gift for you, actually.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. This is a great day.

[Listener/Caller]

What?

[Phil Lester]

What? Here we go.

[Dan Howell]

It's the gift of fire.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God, that is so heavy. Why you give me a fire extinguisher?

[Dan Howell]

What do you mean, why?

[Phil Lester]

I am.

[Dan Howell]

Have you seen this shit?

[Phil Lester]

I am prepared.

[Dan Howell]

Do you trust yourself with the wires? Having Phil in a room with so many lights is like having a hamster behind your vinyl player. For anyone listening, I have just dropped a massive metal cylinder. That sound strange? It's a fire extinguisher.

[Phil Lester]

I didn't realize fire extinguishers were so heavy.

[Dan Howell]

You're cradling that like a baby. Are you okay?

[Phil Lester]

Shall I squeeze it?

[Dan Howell]

No, that might be lies.

[Phil Lester]

What about this?

[Dan Howell]

You got to assemble it, Phil. Otherwise we're all gonna die. This is your escape room.

[Phil Lester]

Where do you insert this?

[Dan Howell]

I'm scared. Okay, maybe put that.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I found it. I found it. Did the water come out of this bit? Okay, what we need to do is go on a fire safety course. That's what I'm learning. It's really pressing into my testicle. Wait.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. Testicle lore bomb.

[Phil Lester]

The other one's on the other side. Too much information. We take it away.

[Dan Howell]

You fucking take it away.

[Phil Lester]

Stand Up.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. Do a workout.

[Phil Lester]

Help.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, Layla, help. Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

It's really heavy.

[Dan Howell]

We have producers in order to help fill.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

I should have warned you. That is savage. Now you've got a bit of hose on the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. She said my hose is out.

[Dan Howell]

Home safety.

[Phil Lester]

I don't like that gift.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, that was your main Christmas, so. Fuck me, I guess.

[Phil Lester]

I once made a board game in graphics class called the Home Safety Game.

[Advertiser]

What?

[Phil Lester]

And the picture of it was just a house on fire and you had to navigate your way around the house trying to save your belongings while your family was.

[Dan Howell]

Isn't the whole point that you should not be trying to save any of your belongings and you should, in fact, prioritize the family or maybe yourself?

[Phil Lester]

So I got marked down for that reason because you're not meant to go back in the house. Okay, secondly, on everything, I wrote Homestead Safdie game because I spelt it wrong, which is not great if you're gcse. Big oof.

[Dan Howell]

English language and linguistics is what you decided to go to university for, though it is.

[Phil Lester]

And I cannot spell nor read. But seriously, if this room was on fire, would you save me or would you just run out?

[Dan Howell]

Bitch, I'm barrel rolling out the window. Save yourself before you save others.

[Phil Lester]

That's the air mask on a plane.

[Dan Howell]

What is the point in me getting a life insurance policy on you unless I can use it?

[Phil Lester]

My arm's burning. I'm under the log. It's all falling down. Richard, he's melting onto my knee.

[Dan Howell]

The log.

[Phil Lester]

Log.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Listener/Caller]

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[Dan Howell]

Well, speaking of men visiting the house, this is me going back to the kilt incident.

[Phil Lester]

I like speaking about other men.

[Dan Howell]

Phil has made a concerted effort to speak to the Builders. I have in the house.

[Phil Lester]

I've tried harder.

[Dan Howell]

After a lot of shaming, I did see a comment from someone saying that you are abb.

[Phil Lester]

What's abb?

[Dan Howell]

Assigned bottom by builders. Which might be a hate crime, but it's factual, so I agree.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm not taking that. Who said that? Rowan' Chronic Crafts.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You liked it on the account as well.

[Dan Howell]

I did, I did.

[Phil Lester]

Right. I'm gonna go on a liking spree about you.

[Dan Howell]

I ruined that. No, absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

I've been trying hard to do it, but the problem is, Dan, they think I'm the. I keep saying the wife, which is problematic.

[Dan Howell]

No, you're not bottom. Yeah, it's fine.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Just be problematic in a different way.

[Phil Lester]

That is also problematic, someone being a bottom.

[Dan Howell]

But you're allowed to be problematic, Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Not that I'm saying anything about them. My sexual choices. Dan is making me be the bad cop with the builders.

[Dan Howell]

That is so true.

[Phil Lester]

Because I'm the.

[Dan Howell]

I am not making you. You are the bad cop. I am the dreamer and you are the crusher. Dan has our dynamic.

[Phil Lester]

Dan has a cracked out idea.

[Dan Howell]

Like, I have an inspired interior design vision.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And then Phil comes in with the. He's not.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And he's very. No, no, we can't.

[Phil Lester]

Like, we're having a moon forest themed office, which is already quite.

[Dan Howell]

We're plastering the walls.

[Phil Lester]

We're plastering the walls in a moon forest theme.

[Dan Howell]

Not in that way. Am I right, ladies?

[Phil Lester]

And then.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know what that means.

[Phil Lester]

What? And then Dan's like, what if we plastered the ceiling and the floor and made it anti grass?

[Dan Howell]

I did not say the floor.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I don't know. Something like that.

[Dan Howell]

We have some beams in our living room that are holding up the ceiling. And I said, these have been painted white when this house was built. Boring. Let's plaster them with something textural. And then Phil said, no, it's going to look too busy.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I'm saying you're.

[Dan Howell]

I was walking around with the guy and he was going, yeah, yeah, I think that could be really cool. Yeah, we could do that. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Phil just goes, no, from the other side of the room.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think you should.

[Dan Howell]

So I think you are just a bad cop.

[Phil Lester]

I am the bad cop of reasonableness when it comes to plastering everything in the house. You're gonna plaster the kettle. Gonna plaster the plaster box in the first aid kit.

[Dan Howell]

Acab, a bbb.

[Phil Lester]

No. So I think they now not Only find me to be less than Dan. They also find me more annoying. Cause I keep saying more annoying. Don't do that.

[Dan Howell]

But you know, in like a Bridgerton way, maybe on like a below deck sense when there's like a hot MILF on the boat and then all the people are like, damn, should I break all the rules? Should I risk it all to sleep with the charter guest? Maybe because you're just so dainty and fleeting. They're all going home in chain smoke and thinking about, have you seen the fucking thick ass?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. What you don't know is when you were out of the shops, when he.

[Dan Howell]

Stood on those Minecraft pajamas. Damn.

[Phil Lester]

When you were at the shops the other day, I got the pink booty shorts out and I was just like cleaning the side of the kitchen. Hello, boys.

[Dan Howell]

I'm just checking. That is a joke. It's not a joke, but it is actually. No, but to confirm you are actually joking and you didn't pretend to clean the kitchen in booty shorts.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like they would write a report about me if I did that.

[Dan Howell]

100%.

[Phil Lester]

They did bitch about me on the ring doorbell as well. I heard that.

[Dan Howell]

Cause Phil is not only a bad cop, he's also a snooping peepee pervert. I'm not a no.

[Phil Lester]

Because it's like someone visited your house and I just confess.

[Dan Howell]

There is a camera Phil will listen to.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And they say we get so much more work done if his boyfriend didn't stop telling us to do shit. Um, I can hear you. No, I can't say that.

[Dan Howell]

Shit.

[Phil Lester]

Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

We need the actual government name. Send the box back. Because we accidentally doxed someone on the pod. Leave them alone.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just going to be neutral.

[Listener/Caller]

Mm.

[Phil Lester]

And not change who I am. They can judge me all they want. They can think I'm a decorator bottom or whatever you said.

[Dan Howell]

I am just the soft Ariana and you're actually the brave Cynthia Erivo that would come in to save me.

[Phil Lester]

To save. Yes, that's what it is.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That press tour for Wicked has been wild again, hasn't it?

[Dan Howell]

You know what? One of my. We're keeping that in.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Sometimes I'm just so excited to speak.

[Phil Lester]

Anyone listening is just like, oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone who could see that. It made it so much better.

[Phil Lester]

Dan just got possessed. Possessed by an orangutan.

[Dan Howell]

The soil ring is back.

[Phil Lester]

Can we take Orambe off Christmas?

[Dan Howell]

This is wicked green.

[Phil Lester]

No, it's making you weird. There we go.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, we're back.

[Phil Lester]

Calming purple. What Was your favorite thing, I think, is what you were saying.

[Dan Howell]

My hot take. Let people be weird.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

A lot of people on the Internet have gone way too deep into, you know how everyone thinks all conspiracy theorists out there go, celebrities are lizard people.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

They're not just quirky, they're actually reptilian robots that are here to indoctrinate us us into a cult and kill us all in our sleep. Yeah. Well, are Cynthia and Ariana not allowed to just be a bit kooky without being lizard people or may or may not eat you?

[Phil Lester]

It makes it interesting.

[Dan Howell]

I think half the time they're doing a bit. I think people can't tell when people just have in jokes and are having fun with each other.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

But a lot of stuff that's been taken out of context as well. There was a Facebook post on a satirical Onion style page that just makes up fake news stories that said Cynthia has announced that they're in a non demi curious semi binary relationship.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

Which obviously makes no fucking sense and is silly. But conservatives on the Internet, no media literacy. They're just like, oh my God, it's true. Woke has gone too far.

[Phil Lester]

Oh no.

[Dan Howell]

This is the sign that western civilization is falling.

[Phil Lester]

They just wish they were in a non demi curious, semi binary relationship.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. The thing is that if you have a degree in woke, which I do, unfortunately from spending a lot of time on Twitter and Tumblr, that doesn't make any sense. Like demi is when you feel like you have to have a strong emotional connection to someone in order to feel a sexual attraction.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

So if you are like demi curious, it means like I'm curious in wanting to feel more emotional. But if you're non demi curious, it means I'm open to just being really horny.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

And I love that. And semi binary. I'm not non binary and I don't respect the binary. It's like I kind of like gender, but just like a bit.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know who is in a non demi curious, semi binary relationship?

[Dan Howell]

Us.

[Phil Lester]

Trump and Mamdani.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God.

[Phil Lester]

Take that tension conservatives.

[Dan Howell]

AO3. Where is it?

[Phil Lester]

We are as well.

[Dan Howell]

You can call me a fascist if you want.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God. Too far.

[Dan Howell]

I'm at the despot.

[Phil Lester]

We shouldn't talk about fascism.

[Dan Howell]

Show me the despussy. Despacito.

[Phil Lester]

Keep going. I thought we could have a little segment for this show.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Called Cause we need structure desperately.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no. A few times we've touched on strange things in the news. So I thought we could have Phil's Weird news story of the week, maybe.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, Fair enough.

[Phil Lester]

I like that you like that I.

[Dan Howell]

Was about to condescendingly call you babe and say this whole goddamn podcast is non stop strange news.

[Advertiser]

What?

[Phil Lester]

Like in a condescending no, babe.

[Dan Howell]

Well, this is the debate on the Internet. A lot of people. I was being sarcastic to you about your shoe being pink the other day.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God you're not wearing a reflective surface today. The confusion was real, and people really could not, whether in our hard launch era, if we're just really comfortable letting out the pet names or if I was being a sarcastic twat.

[Phil Lester]

The thing is, it's very British to call each other babe in a sarcastic way. Like, no, babe, you're doing it wrong. And I think you were being a sarcastic.

[Dan Howell]

No, honey. You stupid bint. And that is very us.

[Phil Lester]

That was very us.

[Dan Howell]

And this is the thing. Do we farm the impressions of the parasocial? I wanna get on Dan and Phil's relationship vibe and let it be mysterious. Or do we confirm that I'm actually miserable?

[Phil Lester]

Everyone knows you're just miserable, Tudor Rose. That's too niche. We're talking about my weird news segment, which I feel like you've pushed us away from.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, do you know what this is?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

You're bringing back Internet news.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan Howell]

Which was the segment on our Radio one and also my damn channel. Super Amazing Project series.

[Phil Lester]

This is better. This is new and fresh, and it's gonna have a name and a title card.

[Dan Howell]

Phil just wants to be like, I read some shit about a squirrel that ate a child.

[Phil Lester]

Do you know what my favorite thing is? To be like, have you seen that? And you're like, w. I never thought that could happen.

[Dan Howell]

Joy. Yeah. Are you informed on the economy? No, but do you know what that flamingo did?

[Phil Lester]

Who needs to know how taxes work? Why don't we call it Lester's Lowdown? Ooh, that's. What do you think? The fuse with a ph.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. The scoop. The foup.

[Phil Lester]

The f News.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, no. We'll workshop this.

[Phil Lester]

We'll think about it.

[Dan Howell]

If Phil wants to do a weird Internet news segment, what can he call it? That's not the foop.

[Phil Lester]

Let us know and we'll make a title card soon that's exciting me.

[Dan Howell]

You say we. You're gonna ask our graphics designer, James, to go away. We. He says, the royal We.

[Phil Lester]

The royal we.

[Dan Howell]

We built the set. We did the graphics.

[Phil Lester]

Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

We edit the video.

[Phil Lester]

We love James. So here's the thing, which I'm not saying anymore.

[Dan Howell]

Do a shot.

[Phil Lester]

Today's weird news is in North Carolina, someone almost crashed their car when an eagle dropped a dead cat through their windscreen.

[Dan Howell]

A cat?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

A cat fell out of the sky.

[Phil Lester]

Because an eagle got it. A bald eagle.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. And it's insecure about its male ego. What?

[Phil Lester]

Cause it's bald.

[Dan Howell]

It's okay, man. Sometimes you just need to call it, shave it off and you're beautiful.

[Phil Lester]

Some of the hottest people are bald.

[Dan Howell]

Patrick Stewart.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, Patrick Stewart.

[Dan Howell]

Why are you laughing? You wouldn't.

[Phil Lester]

I would.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

You've seen the old pictures of Star Trek in his little tight uniform.

[Dan Howell]

Forget Jonathan Bailey's slutty little glasses. Patrick Stewart's slutty little space shirt.

[Phil Lester]

So imagine that though. We're just driving. I'm driving. Get back the freeway.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

A cat comes through our windshield.

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

What do you do?

[Dan Howell]

I would say, God, we know that Phil shouldn't have been driving and this is your divine punishment. And I'm sorry they had to kill someone's cat for this, but message received.

[Phil Lester]

Also very sad that happened to a cat. Yeah, we love cats.

[Dan Howell]

Unless it was an evil cat. I'm just kidding. There are no evil cats. Because we love.

[Phil Lester]

We love cats. I'm only meant to do one, but because it's a new segment, I got excited.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, go on.

[Phil Lester]

There is a race to rescue London's hairy snail.

[Dan Howell]

Is that what they call you? Is that what the builders call you?

[Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

He doesn't move. And that wig, that, that blonde wig, it's everywhere.

[Phil Lester]

It's going all over the place.

[Dan Howell]

So Rich, tell me about the important conservation.

[Phil Lester]

There's a micro hairy snail in London and we're making a concerted effort to preserve it, to protect it because it's so rare.

[Dan Howell]

Street team.

[Phil Lester]

That's the news.

[Dan Howell]

Snail defense squad. But they went from bald eagle to hairy snail.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

The message there is whether you're a. That's losing it all or someone out there that goes, I don't want to shave my legs. It's winter. That's valid.

[Phil Lester]

And we will conserve you in the snail world. Do you think that's like the hottest snail though?

[Dan Howell]

They're just like 100% Bush.

[Phil Lester]

Wow, he's preened that snail bush. I want to snuggle up to that in my little slime cave.

[Dan Howell]

It would be warm. Yeah. Don't say slime cave like that again.

[Phil Lester]

If I was a snail, I'd want a mate that's hairy like that.

[Dan Howell]

That's worse than a subjectifying Patrick Stewart. I think well, thank you for the first ever foup.

[Phil Lester]

It's not the foop.

[Dan Howell]

The fuse.

[Phil Lester]

The fuse.

[Dan Howell]

Phil Lester's. What was your idea?

[Phil Lester]

Low down. Phil Lester's lowdown. Wow. Let's move on.

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[Phil Lester]

Our buddies relatable who send us a whole bunch of board games have today sent us incoherent, which we've played before on the channel.

[Dan Howell]

This game is horrible. This is a game all about tricking you into saying something nasty by reading out some innocent words that will spell out something very embarrassing.

[Phil Lester]

We're about to say some filth. So thank you for sponsoring us, lads.

[Dan Howell]

People have requested that we do this because of a infamous clip where Phil unfortunately read the phrase anal fisting.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Anal fisting. Fish sting. No, we're not even saying the answer. That is I say no, you're given a gibberish sentence which if you say it out loud is going to sound very much like something. You've got to guess what it is.

[Dan Howell]

Yes. After Phil wouldn't tell me whether he did or not expose booty shorts to the builders, you could say that Dan has gum.

[Phil Lester]

Hit mint issues. Gum in mint issues. Come in my shoes.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Advertiser]

Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Commitment issues after the builders.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I thought these boots were hard to put on.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. There's a white stain on my shoes. Is that dry hair shampoo?

[Phil Lester]

This is filth.

[Dan Howell]

And whose fault is that? Phil, it doesn't have to be like this.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

Game. Wasn't that so?

[Phil Lester]

I don't get a point.

[Dan Howell]

I'm ready.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Listener/Caller]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Ew. Know what? Dimes. Hey, Ink. Ew know what dimes. Hey, ink.

[Phil Lester]

Come on, faster.

[Dan Howell]

Ew. Know what dimes hate, ink. Oh, something Twink. You know what dimes. It's time for the twinks. No, no.

[Phil Lester]

One more second. Ew.

[Dan Howell]

Know what dimes hate, ink.

[Phil Lester]

You know what I'm saying?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, shit. Was that personally targeted at me?

[Advertiser]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Paper cup.

[Phil Lester]

Let's do some of the red ones. What are they?

[Dan Howell]

Ah, the intentionally dirty ones. You've been warned.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go. How do you feel about this?

[Dan Howell]

I'm locked in. Less some ache. Paybays. Less some ache paybays. Less. Less some ache. Let's make paybays.

[Phil Lester]

Do you want to say what is a paybay? Say it quicker.

[Dan Howell]

Let's make. Hey, pays. Let's. Let's make paybays. Let her make paybays. I sound like Moira Rose.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, David.

[Dan Howell]

Let her make paypes. Let's make babies.

[Phil Lester]

Let's make babies.

[Dan Howell]

Why did that help me get it?

[Phil Lester]

Dan, I'm in heat.

[Dan Howell]

If you don't speak full Catherine o', Hara, you will never be good at this game. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Are you in heat? What?

[Dan Howell]

I'm just not gonna listen to you.

[Phil Lester]

Omegaverse.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want you to read this.

[Phil Lester]

Lorncand the thick lawn. Can thi. The hick. Lorncantha hick. Long. Cantha hick Thick. Thick. Long and thick.

[Dan Howell]

Ew. You get it.

[Phil Lester]

What's long and thick, but at what cost?

[Dan Howell]

The lava lamp.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. The fire extinguisher. That's more just like thick.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, yeah. Short and thick.

[Phil Lester]

Let's do some fan ones.

[Dan Howell]

So this game is so infamous with our audience that people decided to turn niche Dan and Phil references into cards, which was made by Fletthereck, D and P. Stephen Scraggy and Mothman Bussey.

[Phil Lester]

Mothman Busy. So this is Dan and Phil themed Incoherent they've made.

[Dan Howell]

If you get this, you've got problems.

[Phil Lester]

Your brain has cooked.

[Dan Howell]

Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Chai hildove pivors. Chiel hildub pivors.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Child. Hilb dub. Child of. Child of fevorse.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, you are a child of fevors. After this podcast episode.

[Phil Lester]

No more Fevorse. Now.

[Dan Howell]

Child of farage.

[Phil Lester]

Nigel Farage. Oh, here we go.

[Dan Howell]

Toot days spun ser nor VPN. Today's sponsor is NordVPN. That's funny because it's.

[Phil Lester]

It's not.

[Dan Howell]

But if you want to sponsor the.

[Phil Lester]

Pod, get on the pod.

[Dan Howell]

There's a lot of content real estate here.

[Phil Lester]

We love it.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Dafee Eel. Dafi. Daffee. Dafeel the feel.

[Dan Howell]

It's the feel.

[Phil Lester]

It's the feel.

[Dan Howell]

Why did we get that so quick?

[Phil Lester]

So thank you for sponsoring us. If you want to grab the game, we'll put it in the description.

[Dan Howell]

It's always a good time.

[Phil Lester]

And play your grandma.

[Dan Howell]

Do it.

[Phil Lester]

It's good for Christmas.

[Dan Howell]

It is good for Christmas. Just whack it out. No. Speaking of, they also have specifically sent us an NSFW box, which promises to be even worse.

[Phil Lester]

We can't play on YouTube, but we are gonna do some on the Patreon if you wanna come and see us say some disgusting things.

[Dan Howell]

That's a threat. Okay, confirmed. Dan and Phil's Patreon bonus episode is gonna be not safe for work.

[Phil Lester]

That's patreon.com dan and Phil, if you wanna join the club. Feel like we need Richard after that.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Give us a topic, Rich.

[Dan Howell]

Save the day.

[Phil Lester]

Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.

[Dan Howell]

Did you just John Cena, everybody?

[Phil Lester]

I did.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. There's loads of loose balls on the table.

[Phil Lester]

What does it mean on the Patreon? You guys have been filling Richard's balls and we're gonna add some into the mix.

[Dan Howell]

Thank you for submitting the questions that Richard could release on any given day. Oh, my God. You scalped him. Phil, you gotta stir it up. Otherwise it's rigged. Yeah, don't. Just put the red one near the bottom. Oh, excellent ball swirling. Phil, it's not your first rodeo.

[Phil Lester]

Are we ready?

[Dan Howell]

Crank it, Phil. Oh, yeah. Will it already be a fresh viewer submitted ball? Let's find out. Respectfully. Wheel.

[Phil Lester]

Wheel. Anyway, out of shot. It's a pink one. Yep. Ready for a smooth crack?

[Dan Howell]

No. Wow, that was anti climactic.

[Phil Lester]

Didn't make a noise. It was silent. It just says Australia. The concept of Australia.

[Dan Howell]

That's fucked up.

[Phil Lester]

What? I love Australia.

[Dan Howell]

We do love Australia. We've never had a bad time in Australia.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like this whole section should be in Australian, mate.

[Dan Howell]

We're gonna talk as if we've got a little cheeky brizzy accent.

[Phil Lester]

Little cheeky brizzy.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

So hectic. So hectic.

[Dan Howell]

Danny, it's gonna be heckers.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, heckers.

[Dan Howell]

We're gonna talk about it. It's gonna be hectic. Deeply hectic. It's gonna be hectic. But let's stop that for real.

[Phil Lester]

Bugs.

[Dan Howell]

I actually haven't seen any traumatizing, reptilian or arachnid killers on my trips down under. And I'm grateful for that. Although I feel like the universe is just building up the moment where I'm gonna have one super bad experience.

[Phil Lester]

Think how many are close to you at any given moment, just waiting to scorpion over your stomach.

[Dan Howell]

You mean Australians or bugs? Where's the nearest Australian? They're gonna crawl all over my stomach.

[Phil Lester]

It's a bogan.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, Australians are pretty healthy.

[Phil Lester]

My favorite Australian is Kylie Minogue.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. In fact, you got ready to go.

[Phil Lester]

I met her at a strange YouTube thing where they were like, surprise, everyone. Kylie Minogue is here and you're making a video with her. And we had no real planning time.

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

And I did a little Australia.

[Dan Howell]

She was lovely.

[Phil Lester]

She was so nice and fun.

[Dan Howell]

What? Celebrities aren't nice? Sorry. I just really wanted to put the fear of God in to film drama. Spill the tea. No, don't. That's okay.

[Phil Lester]

I would not tell you.

[Dan Howell]

No confirmed night. What would we have to do in order to get you to actually release the Phil shit list?

[Phil Lester]

It would be on some horrible, unique.

[Dan Howell]

Clickbait that someone, one of you would walk up to them and be like, phil said this about you on the podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Kylie remembered me with the Brits. Red carpet. She's like, oh, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. Is that Phil Made my heart sing.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you thought you were gonna say sink, then no good. Saved it. I think that Australian people have, like, the healthy glow of people that live in California and the sense of humor of British people.

[Phil Lester]

They're a great combination.

[Dan Howell]

Apex predators.

[Phil Lester]

If I wasn't dating you, I might date an Australian.

[Dan Howell]

I respect that 100%. Yeah, agreed. Okay, Australians, you passed the FIL.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck a ball with a ph test.

[Phil Lester]

I'm on the lookout for a blonde surfer. Oh, okay, Richard, why don't we get some hard launches from some other people?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, yeah, please. This is when we.

[Advertiser]

Ew.

[Phil Lester]

Ew. That was really horrible. Sorry.

[Dan Howell]

This is the part of the podcast where we get you involved to experience the freedom and confidence that explains our behavior by getting things off your chest. Who do we have today?

[Listener/Caller]

Hello, my name is Willa. I'm from Kentucky. I'm in the US and my hard launch is that women should be allowed to be topless in the same places that men are. Women's boobs are there for the purpose of being able to feed the young should they choose to go that route. Men, it's just there for looks, and that makes them decorative and more of a sexual accessory for attraction, in my opinion.

[Phil Lester]

I agree.

[Dan Howell]

That is what causes it.

[Phil Lester]

Everyone needs to get their boobs out. I agree. It needs to be less of a stigmatized thing. It's not fair, especially at, like, a water park. Oh. Just want to let it out on the beach.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

That's why Europe is pretty good, because you can get a lot of, you know, bits out, bits out on the beach. No one really cares. We're quite chill about that.

[Dan Howell]

Do you wish we went to more nudist holidays?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

So you personally don't want to, but.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, good for you.

[Dan Howell]

You know, the sign of a true giving person. You want to free other people's nipples whilst also preserving your own.

[Phil Lester]

I'd go to, like, an onsen in Japan and get my wang out. I just think, like, I wouldn't want to rub my areas on a Sandy beach, particularly 100%. It already gets in there anyway.

[Dan Howell]

Freedom for everybody, but no sand in the crack.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Next.

[Phil Lester]

Free the nipple.

[Listener/Caller]

My name is Sarah from the Scottish Highlands.

[Dan Howell]

Hi.

[Listener/Caller]

And I'm hard launching that. No one in England or Wales can call themselves northern. Oh, you can be from the north of Wales or the north of England, but if you aren't from, I'd say Glasgow and above, you're not northern.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, that is controversial.

[Dan Howell]

I am not qualified to weigh in on this discourse. Are you saying that Philip speak for the people?

[Phil Lester]

Saying that to a northerner? Can you believe it?

[Dan Howell]

Oh, are you, though?

[Phil Lester]

I am northern. Are you? Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Unless you live on the North Pole, you are appropriating north culture. Did a polar bear send this in? I think not. Inauthentic.

[Phil Lester]

I think anything below Manchester.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, Manchester happens to be the cutoff.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm kidding.

[Dan Howell]

I wonder why.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think Birmingham is in the north. So you've got to go above Birmingham. You're like, in the middle zone. True north. Manchester and above. I'm sorry, we wouldn't talk like this if we weren't from the west.

[Dan Howell]

I love that this whole conversation is rooted in a mutual disrespect for southerners, which I understand.

[Phil Lester]

We don't want to be like you, actually get out of our minds.

[Dan Howell]

I'm offended about how you speak about your own people sometimes.

[Phil Lester]

Next.

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, my name is Savannah. I am a relatively new fanny from the United States. I'm so sorry. Shout out to my best friend August for getting me into Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Shout out.

[Listener/Caller]

And I'm here to hard launch that. I think my mother should divorce her stupid fucking husband who doesn't do a goddamn thing. He is a man child and he infuriates me. I don't even care. I'll name drop him. Fuck you, Jeff. All my homies hate you. Okay, thank you. Bye.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God. Jeff.

[Dan Howell]

This is just the name drop episode. Fuck you, Jeff. Jeff, pick up a dish.

[Phil Lester]

Stop being a man child.

[Dan Howell]

Hell yeah. Hard launch. Jeff, out the window. Yeah, don't. We don't condone violence.

[Phil Lester]

No, no violence.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, this is your safe space to get things off your chest like that. Okay. You know we can't give you advice for how to manage the dynamics of the relationships in your life, but if you just want to say, hey, Dan and Phil, can I talk mad shit? Absolutely.

[Phil Lester]

Talk mad shit.

[Dan Howell]

That's all he does.

[Phil Lester]

We can be your therapy. Just hopefully they won't listen to the podcast.

[Dan Howell]

The Jeff demo is rising.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Thank you. If you want to submit any of your hard launches, it is hardlaunchpodcastmail.com and.

[Dan Howell]

We have been that there is one more that is really worth listening to but would get demonetized on YouTube.

[Phil Lester]

So get on Patreon if you want to join in with the after party.

[Dan Howell]

Scared? The question is people listening? Back in two years. Sorry, this is going to be inappropriate. Are we going to get tinselly? Are we going to do a Christmas episode in a couple of weeks? Not yet.

[Phil Lester]

Not yet.

[Dan Howell]

Not yet.

[Phil Lester]

We're generating. You've got the tingles, the tingly tinsel vibes.

[Dan Howell]

Absolutely. And you're already dressed like a frickin elf or something.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, I'm trying something new. I don't usually wear colored pants.

[Dan Howell]

This is me being festive.

[Phil Lester]

I was feeling a little bit self conscious.

[Dan Howell]

Did we double corduroy?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, Corduroy boys.

[Dan Howell]

We didn't mean to do this Corduroy.

[Phil Lester]

Boys in the chat. Thanks for joining us for Hard Launch today. If you want to listen to more of us, yap, head over to Patreon. If not, we will see you next week for another hard Monday.

[Dan Howell]

Bye.

[Advertiser]

What do you think makes the perfect snack?

Hmm. It's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient.

[Listener/Caller]

Could you be more specific?

[Advertiser]

When it's craving convenient.

[Listener/Caller]

Okay.

[Advertiser]

Like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a.

[Dan Howell]

Second at a.m. p. M. I'm seeing a pattern here.

[Advertiser]

Well, yeah, we're talking about what I crave.

[Dan Howell]

Which is anything from AM PM what.

[Advertiser]

More could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience. Am, PM Too much good stuff.