HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "We tried to have a romantic dinner date"
Release Date: December 1, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Studio: Studio71

Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, Dan and Phil recount their attempt at a romantic dinner date, only to discover the comedic pitfalls of spending 16 years together. The episode devolves (as intended) into a candid discussion of relationship dynamics, holiday rituals, alternative advent calendars, home renovation drama, internet news oddities, and fan interactions. With their characteristic banter, Dan and Phil overshare with gleeful abandon, providing listeners with hilarious, sometimes touching, always chaotic insights into their lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Romantic Dinner Date Fiasco

Timestamps: 01:00–02:40

• Dinner Date Disappointment:

  • Dan and Phil share their recent attempt at a romantic dinner, which went awkwardly silent—prompting existential questions about long-term relationships bereft of new conversation topics.
  • Dan: "The problem was about an hour in, we ran out of conversation. I think we have had every chat that two people can have in a life together." (01:22)
  • Phil confesses he was distracted by buying Dan a Christmas present; Dan meanwhile thinks they're both guilty for checking their phones.
  • Phil jokes: "It was a ball gag, so you'd stop interrupting me." (02:32)

• Healthy Silence in Relationships:

  • Dan wonders if a healthy relationship means being content being on their phones in each other’s company.

2. Phil's Festive Obsession & Christmas Traditions

Timestamps: 02:40–06:30

• 1st of December Vibes:

  • Phil is eagerly embracing the festive season: "I am so hard for Christmas. So many festive possibilities. So many wondrous moments." (03:00)
  • Hilarious complaints about a Christmas tree delivery service that promised (but didn't provide) a man in a kilt:
    • Phil: "Where's the kilt? Where's the kilt?" (03:42)
    • Dan: "You paid for the service. Where are the thighs?" (04:02)

• Advent Calendar Dilemma:

  • Dan buys Phil an advent calendar, but since Phil can't eat chocolate, alternative options like chips and dips or a jigsaw puzzle are discussed.
  • Phil on his ideal calendar: "Just like 50 quid in each one." (06:25)
  • Phil is genuinely delighted with a jigsaw puzzle calendar:
    • "That's a nice little Christmas miracle, isn't it? You're witnessing joy. That's close. Joy to the world." (07:25)

3. Home Safety, Board Games, and Childhood Lore

Timestamps: 09:40–12:13

• Phil's Home Safety Board Game:
  • Dan gifts Phil a fire extinguisher, leading to a discussion of Phil’s childhood creation—the "Home Safety Game".
  • Phil: "The picture of it was just a house on fire and you had to navigate your way around...trying to save your belongings while your family was..." (11:11)
  • Dan chides Phil about prioritizing items over family, and Phil reveals he misspelled it as "Homestead Safdie game."

4. Builder Drama & Domestic Power Dynamics

Timestamps: 13:00–16:48

• Builder Interactions:

  • Dan claims Phil is “assigned bottom by builders,” prompting playful banter about stereotypes.
  • Phil bemoans being the "bad cop" of their duo when it comes to their ambitious home renovations.
  • Ongoing jokes about moon forest–themed décor and "plastering everything in the house."
    • Dan: "I am the dreamer and you are the crusher." (14:00)
    • Phil: "You're gonna plaster the kettle. Gonna plaster the plaster box in the first aid kit." (15:05)

• Builder Gossip:

  • Phil hears builders talking about them via the doorbell camera:
    • "They say, 'We’d get so much more work done if his boyfriend didn’t stop telling us to do shit.' I can hear you!" (16:21)

5. Pop Culture Hot Takes: Wicked and Online Discourse

Timestamps: 17:01–19:32

• Wicked Press Tour & Internet Conspiracies:

  • The duo discuss the outlandish claims online about celebrities like Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande being "lizard people."
  • Dan breaks down the joke term "non demi-curious semi-binary relationship" from a viral satirical post:
    • Dan: "If you're non demi-curious, it means I'm open to just being really horny." (19:07)

• Meta-Commentary on Internet Culture:

  • Phil frames their own relationship as “non demi-curious semi-binary,” poking fun at internet labels.

6. The Return of the Weird News Segment

Timestamps: 20:56–24:11

• Naming the Segment:
  • Dan and Phil brainstorm names for Phil’s new weird news segment: "Lester’s Lowdown," "the Fuse," and "the Foop."
• Weird News Stories:
  • Bald Eagle Drops Dead Cat on Car in North Carolina
    • Phil: "A cat fell out of the sky because an eagle got it. A bald eagle." (22:17)
    • Dan: "Some of the hottest people are bald. Patrick Stewart." (22:27)
  • Conservation Efforts to Save London’s Hairy Snail
    • Dan: "From bald eagle to hairy snail. The message there is whether you’re losing it all or someone out there that goes, I don't want to shave my legs. It's winter. That's valid." (23:39)
  • Ends with musings about snail "bush" and the desirability of “hairy mates.”

7. Incoherent Board Game Chaos: Dan & Phil Version

Timestamps: 25:30–29:24

• “Incoherent” Game:

  • Dan and Phil play the "Incoherent" board game, where jibberish phrases must be deciphered into rude or relevant phrases.
  • Legendary topics:
    • Phil: "Anal fisting. Fish sting." (25:58)
    • Dan: “Commitment issues… come in my shoes.” (26:23)
    • "Let's make babies." (27:43)
    • “Long and thick.” (28:06)
  • Special Dan & Phil–themed versions contributed by fans:
    • "Child of fevors"
    • "Today's sponsor NordVPN"
    • "The feel"

• Patreon Bonus:

  • Promise of “NSFW” version of the game on Patreon.

8. Viewer Questions/Richard’s Balls: The Australia Segment

Timestamps: 30:00–33:02

• Topic: Australia
  • Dan and Phil riff in (dubious) Australian accents about their travels Down Under, bugs and the healthy aura of Australians.
  • Phil recounts meeting Kylie Minogue: "Kylie remembered me at the Brits red carpet. She's like, 'Oh, Phil.'" (32:35)
  • Application:
    • Phil: "If I wasn't dating you, I might date an Australian." (32:55)
    • Dan: "Okay, Australians, you pass the FIL. Fuck a ball with a ph test." (33:02)

9. Hard Launches—Fan Confessions & Rants

Timestamps: 33:13–36:53

• Caller 1: Willa (Kentucky) — Free the Nipple

  • "Women should be allowed to be topless in the same places that men are... Men, it's just there for looks... that makes them decorative." (33:26)
  • Both Dan and Phil agree on equality, but Phil quips, "I wouldn't want to rub my areas on a sandy beach."

• Caller 2: Sarah (Scottish Highlands) — Who Counts as ‘Northern’

  • "No one in England or Wales can call themselves northern... unless you’re from Glasgow and above." (34:43)
  • Phil: "Anything below Manchester... I don't think Birmingham is in the north. Manchester and above." (35:18)

• Caller 3: Savannah (USA) — ‘Fuck You, Jeff’

  • Savannah rants about her mother’s “manchild” husband, calling him out by name: "Fuck you, Jeff. All my homies hate you." (36:02)
  • Dan: "Hard launch—Jeff, out the window... don't. We don't condone violence." (36:27)
  • Phil: "Talk mad shit. We can be your therapy—just hopefully they won't listen to the podcast." (36:48)

10. Teases and Closing Banter

Timestamps: 37:09–37:49

• Christmas Episode Tease:
  • Dan: "Are we going to do a Christmas episode in a couple of weeks? Not yet." (37:19)
• Corduroy Boys:
  • Both joke about matching corduroy outfits.
• Sign-off & Patreon Plug:
  • Invitation to Patreon for more unfiltered content.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan: "The problem was about an hour in, we ran out of conversation. I think we have had every chat that two people can have in a life together." (01:22)
• Phil: "Where's the kilt? Where’s the kilt?" (03:42)
• Dan: "You paid for the service. Where are the thighs?" (04:02)
• Phil: "If I could have any advent calendar...money. Just like 50 quid in each one." (06:25)
• Dan: "You're gonna plaster the kettle. Gonna plaster the plaster box in the first aid kit." (15:05)
• Phil: "A cat fell out of the sky because an eagle got it. A bald eagle." (22:17)
• Dan (breaking down internet labels): "If you're non demi-curious, it means I'm open to just being really horny." (19:07)
• Phil (on builder drama): "They say, 'We’d get so much more work done if his boyfriend didn’t stop telling us to do shit.' I can hear you!" (16:21)
• Fan Savannah: "Fuck you, Jeff. All my homies hate you." (36:02)

Segment Timestamps (Quick Guide)

• Dinner Date Breakdown: 01:00–02:40
• Christmas Traditions & Advent Calendars: 02:40–07:32
• Home Safety & Childhood Lore: 09:40–12:13
• Builder Drama & Domestic Banter: 13:00–16:48
• Internet Culture & Pop Hot Takes: 17:01–19:32
• Weird News Segment: 20:56–24:11
• Incoherent Board Game: 25:30–29:24
• Listener Topics – Australia: 30:00–33:02
• Fan Hard Launches: 33:13–36:53
• Outro Banter & Patreon Tease: 37:09–37:49

Tone & Style

The tone throughout is playful, self-deprecating, and candid, with Dan and Phil bouncing off each other's quips, never shying from the absurd or the intimate. Their long-shared history is front and center, making the podcast feel both inclusive and gloriously unfiltered.

For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent example of Dan and Phil’s ability to turn the mundane into comedy gold—whether it’s the awkwardness of long-term relationships, disappointment over a Christmas tree delivery, or an escalating argument about who is the “bad cop” in their home. The mix of personal anecdotes, fan participation, and satirical commentaries—punctuated by their signature British banter—captures everything that makes HARD LAUNCH so bingeable.

If you want even more chaotic energy, filthy board game shenanigans, or unfiltered hard launches, check out their Patreon for bonus segments and after-parties.