We’re in our twunk era

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: We’re in our twunk era
Date: January 19, 2026
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester

Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, Dan and Phil embrace a new chapter they dub their “twunk era”—leaving their “twink” stereotypes behind and diving into gym woes, internet oversharing, weird news, and the chaos of daily life as partners. With candid (sometimes outrageous) banter, they riff on public recognition, fitness journeys, British snack habits, the plague of phones at concerts, and the art of platonic cuddling. The episode also features listener “hard launches,” as well as plenty of trademark sarcasm and chaos.

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Key Discussion Points & Timestamps

1. Public Recognition and Millennial Fame [00:31–02:01]

• Dan and Phil recount being recognized on the way to the studio, but only Dan is requested for a photo, leading to some existential ribbing of Phil.
  • Dan: “Can you take it of just Dan?”
  • Phil: “So now we’re learning that I am chopped and unked.” [01:45]
• Phil laments feeling invisible:
  • “If you see Phil… can I have a selfie for his self-esteem?” [01:54]

2. Relationship Dynamics & Phone Etiquette [02:06–03:33]

• Dan closes all Phil’s open apps—sparking debate about digital boundaries.
  • Phil: “That’s quite an intimate thing to just go in my apps and close them…” [02:13]
  • Dan: “Your phone is fucking terrifying… If we have been together for 16 years, I have permission…” [02:37]
• Discovery: Phil somehow has two Instagram apps, which Dan deems “haunted.”
  • Dan: “Phil, why do you have two copies of Instagram?” [03:35]

3. Entering the “Twunk Era”: Fitness, Aging, and Gym Woes [04:12–08:13]

• Dan details his first day back at the gym and the resulting pain:
  • Dan: “I got my shit rocked at the weekend… By myself.” [04:18]
  • “2026 is twunk era.” [05:02]
• Reflection on metabolism and “twink death”:
  • Dan: “Twink death is a state of mind. People are actually twinks forever. Ian McKellen is a twink.” [05:15]
• Dan’s failed attempt at “grindset” and Phil’s lack of gym enthusiasm.
  • Exercise/gym humor, “squeeze test” as muscle metric.

4. Protein Shaming and British Meal Deal Scandal [08:20–11:15]

• Chat about Tesco meal deals—criticizing the British choice of a “pot of eggs” as a side.
  • Dan: “A fucking pot of eggs… what the fuck is wrong with you?” [09:53]
  • Phil: “Eat your egg by yourself in the cubicle, have a little cry…” [10:48]
• Egg-shaming becomes a running gag.

5. Weird Ads & The Cuddle Economy [11:15–13:14]

• Phil gets an ad for an all-male, platonic cuddling app.
  • Dan: “More straight men need to join communal cuddle puddles…” [12:02]
  • Phil: “I feel like there’s something more intimate with a cuddle than there is about sexing someone…” [12:32]

6. Weird News: The Stolen Walrus Penis [13:15–15:17]

• Phil tells a ridiculous news story: someone steals a walrus penis bone from a New Jersey cheesesteak joint.
  • Dan: “What in the Mad Libs did you just say?” [13:47]
  • Phil: “For the listeners, how many inches do you reckon that is, Phil?” [14:04]
• Banter about biology and “snap cock” urban legends.

7. Pink Skies and Human Photon Emission [15:18–17:16]

• Viral story: the Birmingham sky goes pink due to football stadium lights.
• Phil’s fact drop: Humans emit low level photons—auras might have a scientific basis.
  • Dan: “Turns out auras are actually real.” [16:13]
  • Phil: “I bet mine glows in a really cute color and yours is like gray.” [16:20]
• Random science: touching bleach turns your skin into soap (“saponification”).

8. Awards Show Cynicism & The Golden Globe Drama [18:29–24:58]

• Dan and Phil discuss the Golden Globes, past Oscar parties, and their indifference to awards.
  • Oscar party memories: “We made an Armie Hammer’s balls from Call Me By Your Name cocktail. Pre-allegations.” [18:38]
• Criticism of the Grammys for being popularity contests.
  • Dan: “The Grammys are ass.” [21:56]
• Debate over which awards matter, and whether a Golden Globe for Podcasting has any merit.
  • Dan: “Do you want… this select group of judges chose you or… [to be] democratically elected by the people?” [23:00]

9. Friendship, Guests, and House Shame [25:03–26:46]

• Chaos of hosting friends—messy spare room, lingering spirits, and a giant Sim head in the guest room.
  • “Is it weird to redo the bedroom we’re sleeping in… feel like the energy is still in there…” [26:09]
  • “We are haunting that space.” [26:33]

10. Cooking Fails and “Useless Homosexual” Stereotypes [27:03–28:18]

• Phil cooks spaghetti bolognese with two full bulbs of garlic by mistake.
  • “I forgot what a clove was and I put two full bulbs of garlic in.” [27:25]
• Dan reassures: cooking isn’t that hard, plus jarred curry advice.

11. Listener Hard Launches [31:46–36:59]

• Phones at concerts ([31:46–34:15])—Listener argues phones should be banned from gigs; Dan and Phil debate a “middle ground” (film only the first or last song).
  • Dan: “Mandatory narc phone in pouch night!” [33:18]
• Cuddle hater ([34:16–35:26])—Listener from Turkey hates cuddling in bed; Dan and Phil agree, banishing night-time touching.
  • Dan: “Six feet apart. Triple king size bed. Stay away.” [35:22]
• Quitting the gym for Patreon ([35:29–36:55])—Listener cancels gym for their Patreon, saving £10.
  • Phil: “This is the opposite of last week… we’re hurting your health.” [36:03]

12. Classic Dan & Phil Silliness: The Richard Red Ball Bit [29:12–30:30]

• The “Richard” red ball determines podcast punishments. Next week: Phil picks Dan’s outfit and gets a Buffy quiz.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dan: “Twink death is a state of mind. People are actually twinks forever. Ian McKellen is a twink.” [05:15]
• Phil: “Eat your egg by yourself in the cubicle, have a little cry because you’re just having an egg instead of some Thai sweet chili sensations.” [10:48]
• Phil: “I feel like there’s something more intimate with a cuddle than… sexing someone.” [12:32]
• Dan: “What in the Mad Libs did you just say? Of course it’s New Jersey. Why you got the walrus cock?” [13:47]
• Phil: “I forgot what a clove was and I put two full bulbs of garlic in…” [27:25]

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Tone & Style

• Chaotic, unfiltered, and relentlessly self-deprecating. Dan and Phil’s banter is peppered with sarcasm, innuendo, and inside jokes, keeping the energy fast and unpredictable throughout.

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Segment Highlights & Timestamps

• Dan gets recognized—without Phil: [00:31–01:54]
• Relationship boundaries and phone app chaos: [02:06–03:44]
• Twunk Era Gym Journeys: [04:12–08:13]
• Egg-shaming and British lunch culture: [09:45–11:03]
• All-male cuddle economy & Man-on-man platonic cuddles: [11:15–13:14]
• Stolen walrus penis news madness: [13:15–15:17]
• Human photon emission & auras: [16:03–16:44]
• Oscars & Golden Globes snark: [18:30–24:58]
• Listener “hard launches” (ban phones, anti-cuddling, quitting gym for Patreon): [31:46–36:59]

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Summary

This episode is a rollercoaster of gym-induced existential crises, egg-based national shame, bizarre cuddling innovations, and the struggle to navigate adulthood without giving in to “twink death.” Through candid oversharing and playfully destructive sarcasm, Dan and Phil invite the audience into their domestic chaos, while poking fun at British habits, pop culture, and their own limitations as both partners and podcast hosts. With uproarious listener hard launches and new escalating podcast punishments, each tangent is as unpredictable as the last—making for an episode packed with both hearty laughs and some accidental wisdom.

Transcript

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[Phil Lester]

Way to the studio.

[Dan Howell]

Someone stopped us to ask for a photo.

[Phil Lester]

Let's say we got recognized. They were like, oh, my God, can I have a photo? And we were both like, yeah, yeah, sure.

[Dan Howell]

Usually in this situation, I volunteer to take the photo because I'd taken a lot of selfies with people. I got long arms, and I had to unlock a Samsung. Okay, just give me a phone. I'm gonna do it.

[Phil Lester]

He's got that.

[Dan Howell]

He said, would you like me to take a selfie? And then the person did not say, yes.

[Phil Lester]

No. They turned to me and said, oh, will you take it? She had no idea who I was.

[Dan Howell]

Can you take it of Just Dan?

[Phil Lester]

Just Dan. They just wanted a picture with Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Phil was like, yeah. Oh, I'm behind the camera. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

But can you believe someone in 2026 knows you but not me?

[Dan Howell]

I am obsessed. Who is this person and why did they know Dan and not Phil?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe they just climbed out of a coma from 2015 and they were watching reasons why Dan's a fail.

[Dan Howell]

I love sarcasm and llamas. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Why would it be.

[Dan Howell]

You were wearing a hat.

[Phil Lester]

I was wearing a hat.

[Dan Howell]

Cause you were wearing glasses. So honestly, if you're, like, covering most of the top of your head, the bottom half of your face is giving npc.

[Phil Lester]

Are you saying I look like your dad?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, someone at the hospital did think that you were my father, so great. So that's it. Sorry, Phil, but when hat and glass is on, you've got dad energy.

[Phil Lester]

So now we're learning that I am chopped and unked.

[Dan Howell]

This is great how you discovered that. Phil, I am so sorry.

[Phil Lester]

Perfect.

[Dan Howell]

Everyone watching this. If you see Phil, you need. Oh, my God, it's Phil. I know you. Can I have a selfie for his self esteem?

[Phil Lester]

I need it.

[Dan Howell]

3, 2, 1.

[Phil Lester]

Before we start, can I just say that Dan was on my phone and before you handed it back, he closed all my apps.

[Dan Howell]

And what I feel that's quite welcome.

[Phil Lester]

That's quite an intimate thing to just go in my apps and close them all. What if I wanted them open?

[Dan Howell]

Your phone is fucking terrifying. Have you ever seen, like, he literally has 610 apps open, and I'm. What are these apps and why do you use them?

[Phil Lester]

I might wanna check in.

[Dan Howell]

I have an app for, like, a Bluetooth power auto heating mug that you bought in 2014, and for some fucking reason, it's still open on your phone.

[Phil Lester]

I think it's an ask permission thing when you're gonna close people's apps.

[Dan Howell]

If we have been together for 16 years, I have permission to open your phone with the passcode that I know.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

And do whatever the hell I want.

[Phil Lester]

I don't mind that. Just don't close stuff.

[Dan Howell]

Oh. Cause you're doing something so important with the app for your scales.

[Phil Lester]

Everything's in its right place on this phone, Dan.

[Dan Howell]

The right place.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it's all organized. Just how long?

[Dan Howell]

No, no. Okay. So firstly, I organized Phil's apps because he had nine pages of apps, and some of them were just, like, shit that got deleted from 2012. He had, like, original Angry Birds. I should put this in a museum. I want to play it on page 17.

[Phil Lester]

You're going on page 17.

[Dan Howell]

And it's like the Boomerang. Phil still has it. I don't know.

[Phil Lester]

It's possible it might come back.

[Dan Howell]

So I put everything in folders for him because it was just driving me insane. But I have to talk about something. Phil, have you noticed this? What? You've got two copies of the Instagram app. All right, I'm going to screen record. We need this in high quality.

[Phil Lester]

Is that even possible?

[Dan Howell]

See here, homepage, Instagram. Swipe right, identical app, Instagram. That's not possible. Phil, why do you have two copies of Instagram?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. I think it just got so scared by my disorganization.

[Dan Howell]

You are haunted.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You are a demon in the Internet fair. So weigh in in the comments. Is it acceptable to just close apps on other people's phones?

[Phil Lester]

I feel like that's like putting your finger in my mouth.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, well, it's just.

[Phil Lester]

It's just as.

[Dan Howell]

Where's the soundboard? There we go.

[Phil Lester]

It's just as intimate as that. Anyway, you're welcome. Hard Monday. What's going on in the world?

[Dan Howell]

You're gonna have to bear with me. I can't gesticulate because I can barely move right now.

[Phil Lester]

Dan can't walk or.

[Dan Howell]

Guys, I got my shit rocked at the Weekend?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

By myself. I went to the gym.

[Phil Lester]

I can't believe you chose Saturday as the first day to go back to the gym in the new year.

[Dan Howell]

Are you shaming me for looking after? Okay, yes.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Straight up.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like it's an attack on me. Because a Saturday.

[Dan Howell]

You're the guy that won't shut the fuck up about getting big.

[Phil Lester]

Not on Saturday. Saturday is chill day.

[Dan Howell]

Small Saturdays with Dan and Phil. Hard Mondays. Big Tuesday.

[Phil Lester]

Big Tuesday.

[Dan Howell]

But for real, Phil's been saying, I want to get swole.

[Phil Lester]

Swole.

[Dan Howell]

Swole is the goal. I don't think that's gonna happen, but I'm calling it now. Everybody. Dan and Phil. Or maybe just Dan. We'll see how phil joins in. 2026 is twunk era.

[Phil Lester]

Twunk era. Okay, you started off strong. Why was.

[Dan Howell]

We need to let the twink go, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

We're not even twink death. We are twink reincarnated. We are twink Jesus. We are twink zombies.

[Phil Lester]

We will drown the twink in the sea.

[Dan Howell]

Now, philosophically, I need to be clear. I believe that twink death is a state of mind. People are actually twinks forever. Ian McKellen is a twink.

[Phil Lester]

He is what?

[Dan Howell]

It makes sense.

[Phil Lester]

What exercises were you doing, though? Cause it seems like the pain is all in your ass. You are waddling around, and this is.

[Dan Howell]

When I get caught out in a spectacular lie.

[Phil Lester]

It looks like you've been having a fun time with lots of men at the same time.

[Dan Howell]

That is what a gym is. So I haven't worked out in about three and a half months because I was launching a podcast. Okay, we were busy.

[Phil Lester]

This was a gym. We're picking these microphones, inflating chairs.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

Talking to strong men about lights.

[Dan Howell]

Leave the people alone, Phil. Builders, tradies, people from Arturo. They're not objects, Phil. They're not objects. They're people just trying to do their jobs.

[Phil Lester]

All right?

[Dan Howell]

They are strong.

[Phil Lester]

Okay?

[Dan Howell]

But anyway, so I'm thinking, right, grind set. I'm looking after my mental physical health.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

I just believe. And this is a PSA for everybody listening and watching. When you're in your teens and your 20s, you take for granted that you have magic metabolism. And then one day, it just fucking dies slack and you turn into a slug. Okay, look, you can do whatever you want. Live your life. Just have fun. Yeah, but there's certain people that I look up to. Tyler Oakley. Anthony from Queer.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

What happened? What happened? They were heading towards mid-30s. Then all of a sudden, twunk era. And I don't think that I'm capable of that because I am.

[Phil Lester]

Lazy.

[Dan Howell]

I was gonna say, like, stressed busy.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

I like playing video games, but it's nice to have a goal. So I went to the gym once and I didn't realize that if you try to bite off more than you can chew. Giggity. That. Yeah. Total body car crash. So, for example, I can't stand Dan's.

[Phil Lester]

Like, I can't go down the stairs. Can you go talk to the postman?

[Dan Howell]

No, I can go down the stairs just really, really slowly. I right now cannot fully extend my arms.

[Phil Lester]

What is.

[Dan Howell]

It was just like a single 40 minutes of, like, a full body owl workout.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Fuck.

[Dan Howell]

Ow.

[Phil Lester]

I can feel the muscle. It's birthing out of your.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it's gone from bicep 14 millimeters to 14.1.

[Phil Lester]

14.3.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. So day one of exercise. Talk to me in 200 days and see how many more I've done. Zero.

[Phil Lester]

I'll do another squeeze test. You've gotta have a sheeze.

[Dan Howell]

Elaborate on that for the listeners. I think he's talking about squeezing my biceps. He's talking about measuring the growth of my arm muscle by squeezing my biceps.

[Phil Lester]

Is it good?

[Dan Howell]

Are you gonna join me on Twunk Era 2026.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

In February, like, who wants to do anything in January? It's gonna be full of all the new people.

[Dan Howell]

If you wanted a heated rivalry back arch, you need to do a squat.

[Phil Lester]

I've already got a back arch.

[Dan Howell]

It's more like a sphinx. Like, shut up.

[Phil Lester]

My back and arch.

[Dan Howell]

Like, big head as good as sandy. Eroded like the nose has fallen off.

[Phil Lester]

To eat a shit table. Ancient protein, though, Dan, you need to, like, that's the thing. If you want to make a muscle.

[Dan Howell]

This is the thing.

[Phil Lester]

You've got to have 900 grams of protein.

[Dan Howell]

Protein is the worst thing. Why can't it be sugar?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Why can't it be trans fats? Oh, my God. Imagine I'd be like. But instead it's like, get your protein.

[Phil Lester]

I know. Like, how did you see that Tesco thing? That was like, here's everyone's meal deal that they ordered.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Tesco basically did, like, Tesco unwrapped, where they revealed what the people of the UK add to their meal deals. And if any Americans are listening, by the way, retraction. I apparently libeled the people of America.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yes, I said that.

[Dan Howell]

You don't have roundabouts.

[Phil Lester]

Apparently you do. We've never been on a roundabout in America, but apparently they're there probably because.

[Dan Howell]

We'Re asleep on tour buses.

[Phil Lester]

Rewind. Tesco meal deals.

[Dan Howell]

British people walk into a grocery store, they buy a sandwich, they buy a bag of chips and they buy a soda.

[Phil Lester]

There's so many fond options. Do you choose for the snack option? There's so many good crisps.

[Dan Howell]

I think that's what defines you as a person.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Prawn cocktail McCoys. Prawn cocktail Quavers.

[Dan Howell]

Prawn cocktail walkers.

[Phil Lester]

I just like a prawn cocktail moment.

[Dan Howell]

Hell, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

But the most common thing people are choosing.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. The most common side dish in, like the. Okay, so you've got your sandwich and then you've got. What's the extra thing? Like the crisps. Now, obviously, it could be crisps, it could be a pot of carrots. If you're McDonald's and you're trying to.

[Phil Lester]

Talk to kids through it, what was.

[Dan Howell]

The number one United Kingdom choice for the side piece?

[Phil Lester]

Egg.

[Dan Howell]

A fucking pot of eggs.

[Phil Lester]

A pot of. No, it's an egg. A single egg in a pot. That's what the UK has chosen. And you know what it is?

[Dan Howell]

We yearn for Depression era, World War I food. British people are like, I need my jelly deal.

[Phil Lester]

Your one lunchtime treat.

[Dan Howell]

The bag of crisps. An egg. What the fuck is wrong with you? Everyone's in their tuanchera and if this is what it takes, I can't do it.

[Phil Lester]

The worst thing is if you're on the tube and someone opens their stinky.

[Dan Howell]

Egg, it is honestly pungent, an act of terrorism. Pungent. Yeah. No, when you get there and then you open it. Mmm, sulfur. Yeah, I wanted that in my office. No, thank you.

[Phil Lester]

Sounds like we're being anti health. There's other ways to get protein.

[Dan Howell]

No, no. I think I am egg shaming. Phil, you need to sit in it. You need to own it.

[Phil Lester]

Sit on that egg.

[Dan Howell]

No. One man, one egg. I think it's okay to say you can have an egg, but because it's really upsetting and it shames other people for not choosing depressing choices. You've got to eat it in a dark closet by yourself.

[Phil Lester]

That'd be a smelly closet.

[Dan Howell]

Contain it. Yeah, exactly. Don't make people feel bad. Don't make people smell bad. Eat your egg, buy yourself in the cubicle, have a little cry because you're just having an egg instead of some Thai sweet chili sensations. Yes. And then go about your day.

[Phil Lester]

Come out of the smelly closet, eat.

[Dan Howell]

Some crisps, make a 45 minute video.

[Phil Lester]

About it be gay.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I got an ad for an app which is all about cuddling other men.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, the craziest ads. Look, and we know that the ads are based on what you're talking about.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I do talk about gay stuff, and I like a cuddle. This one?

[Dan Howell]

No. It feels like I'm gonna sell my cuddles.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Naughty little secret.

[Phil Lester]

Buy my squeeze. This one. It is apparently about platonic cuddling of men and not about sex.

[Dan Howell]

So is it man on man?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Platonic cuddling.

[Phil Lester]

Come to my house for a cuddle.

[Dan Howell]

But is this gay men non sexually, emotionally supporting each other.

[Phil Lester]

And a lot of it' it's about cuddle puddle. So lots of men snuggle in.

[Dan Howell]

Now, if you say platonic, can a straight man not join in for a cuddle puddle? Apparently not, because is this, like, untoxic masculinity? More straight men need to join communal cuddle puddles in order to open up their soft side.

[Phil Lester]

Also, how do you kind of vet who's gonna turn up because you might not want to cuddle everyone?

[Dan Howell]

Whoa.

[Phil Lester]

What about someone that's had nine egg pots?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that person. 100%.

[Phil Lester]

They're gonna stink out the cuddle.

[Dan Howell]

They say, show me your Tesco receipt and open your mouth out.

[Phil Lester]

I don't want to cuddle a stranger.

[Dan Howell]

You don't have to, Phil. You know, this is the thing. You're not forced to sign up for that app, so I'm happy to explain to you that you don't have to cuddle strangers.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like there's something more intimate with a cuddle than there is about sexing someone. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, let's go slam or slam. Slam it. But let's go cuddle together in bed. It's very, like, emotionally.

[Dan Howell]

Emotionally connected. Intimate, relaxed.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Anyway, I've added five men, and they're all gonna turn up in about 20 minutes.

[Dan Howell]

Today's sponsor is Cuddle Puddle, Platonic app for men that want to cuddle zone. Cuddle zone. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know what it's called, but.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is gonna pitch it on Dragon's Den.

[Phil Lester]

It's a thing.

[Dan Howell]

Shark Tank for the Americans.

[Phil Lester]

It's a thing.

[Dan Howell]

And you're gonna get that shark spank.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. No, no spanking it.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

What's the thing?

[Phil Lester]

I bet someone would get a boner. Here's the thing.

[Dan Howell]

Should we do it now?

[Phil Lester]

What now?

[Dan Howell]

Why the hell not?

[Phil Lester]

You are mad.

[Dan Howell]

It's the start of the podcast. You told me that there Is a great penis related news story this week. So I feel like we need to go into it.

[Phil Lester]

You are unhinged today. Here's the thing. Give us back the walrus penis.

[Dan Howell]

I wasn't expecting walrus. All right.

[Phil Lester]

Someone has stolen a walrus penis bone from a New Jersey cheesesteak joint.

[Dan Howell]

What in the Mad libs did you just say? Of course it's New Jersey. Why you got the walrus cock?

[Phil Lester]

That was their thing. Like the special thing about their bar.

[Dan Howell]

Is their thing, not their grape cheesesteaks.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Come to see the. Oh, my fucking God, it's huge.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa.

[Dan Howell]

For the listeners. How many inches do you reckon that is, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

I feel like that's a 19 incher. A penis doesn't really have a bone in it in humans, does it?

[Dan Howell]

I don't think so.

[Phil Lester]

You can snap one.

[Dan Howell]

You can snap one, but it's all muscle. Ladies, be careful doing that reverse cowgirl.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, there you just go. No, seriously, they can bend. No, seriously, we knew someone and he's like that now.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, that was on TV. We don't know him.

[Phil Lester]

Well, I know him from TV.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, parasocial moment there.

[Phil Lester]

I might have DMed him and had a chat.

[Dan Howell]

Show me your snapped cock.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Did you DM him? What?

[Phil Lester]

Just move on. What do you mean return.

[Dan Howell]

Did you DM him before or after he broke his penis?

[Phil Lester]

No comment. I wouldn't not message someone if they broke their penis.

[Dan Howell]

Why no comment? Are you joking? If the answer's no, please just say no. Your refusal.

[Phil Lester]

I love lying.

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. Anyway, I really hope that this New Jersey cheesesteak restaurant gets there.

[Phil Lester]

Return the cock bones, please.

[Dan Howell]

Please.

[Phil Lester]

That's their thing.

[Dan Howell]

It's theft.

[Phil Lester]

What are you gonna do with it?

[Dan Howell]

I don't think it's like a road sign, but you can't. Like how many walrus penis bones are there out there? They probably have to. It's probably. I was gonna say genetic. Not genetic. What's the word for. It's like an heirloom.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Birmingham is sponsoring hard launch. Maybe. Did you know that in Birmingham one night last week everything went pink in the sky?

[Dan Howell]

Well, pink. I saw this on Twitter and Reddit separately.

[Phil Lester]

It's the most pink sky you've ever seen. It was.

[Dan Howell]

So the listeners are thinking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pink sky at night. No, pinker.

[Phil Lester]

And it turns out it was because a football stadium was using a pink light and it went up and reflected off all the snow clouds.

[Dan Howell]

There were low hanging snow clouds that made it super, super pink for no reason. And it really looked like the end of the world.

[Phil Lester]

It did. I wish the sky was pink. Sometimes a bit like I'm done with the blue. Come on, let's change it up now.

[Dan Howell]

You are so GRU coded. What would you do? I hope you never win the lottery. Well, okay.

[Phil Lester]

Watch out. Maybe I already did.

[Dan Howell]

Banana Freaky facts.

[Phil Lester]

Did you know this about the human body? Firstly, we emit light at very low frequency and it comes off different people in different wavelengths emit we have photon emission.

[Dan Howell]

He's got that upe. Oh, it stands for ultra Weak photon. Em. Turns out auras are actually real.

[Phil Lester]

I bet mine glows in a really cute color and yours is like gray.

[Dan Howell]

What the fuck? People that go, oh, I do aura readings on TikTok. I always thought this is another bullshit grift, but maybe some people out there, they just have the ability to see the lights, small lights.

[Phil Lester]

And probably the intensity of your glow fluctuates throughout the day.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, how fluctuated is your glow right now, Phil?

[Phil Lester]

I'm feeling pretty glowy right now.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I can tell. It's super annoying.

[Phil Lester]

Bonus fact. Do you know if you bleach something and it goes on your hand, it gets a bit slipp?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. You doing your hair.

[Phil Lester]

That's because bleach turns your hand into soap. What? Your hand, when it touches bleach, there's a chemical reaction that turns your skin into soap.

[Dan Howell]

Don't touch bleach.

[Phil Lester]

In a process known as saponification.

[Dan Howell]

And that explains why you are the way you are. Because you covered your head in bleach. You turned your head into a bar of soap.

[Phil Lester]

My brain is soap.

[Dan Howell]

And that's why everything that comes out your mouth is just bubbles.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, and that was my thing.

[Dan Howell]

Great.

[Phil Lester]

That was fun to do.

[Dan Howell]

Early on, I learned stuff about the world. Close your eyes, exhale. Feel your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh my gosh, they're so fast.

[Phil Lester]

And breathe.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Dan Howell]

1-800-Contacts.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Phil Lester]

What else has been going on?

[Dan Howell]

Golden Globes. Oh yeah, cinema.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not really into awards anymore.

[Dan Howell]

We used to stay up all night.

[Phil Lester]

We had Oscars parties.

[Dan Howell]

We had Oscars parties.

[Phil Lester]

You dressed as Armie Hammers balls. No, we made a cocktail. We made a cocktail. We made an Armie Hammer's balls from Call Me by youy Name cocktail. Pre.

[Dan Howell]

Allegations. Pre. Otherwise Armie Hammers balls is like whoa, two lychees in a glass stop.

[Phil Lester]

But yeah, we used to really like the Oscars and that was exciting. And now I don't really care. But this year I've been aware of the Golden Globes.

[Dan Howell]

Leonardo DiCaprio going through the entire range of human emotion.

[Phil Lester]

I've never seen someone have so much emotion in their face in a single clip. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So for anyone listening, describe it. He's pointing, he's winking, he's.

[Phil Lester]

He's laughing, he's.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna say it.

[Phil Lester]

It's zesty in a straight way.

[Dan Howell]

Well, here's the thing, Phil. What? Here's the thing, Dan Edition. Is it random news? Nope. It's a societal yap.

[Phil Lester]

Did I just the fucking problematic then.

[Dan Howell]

By accident you can be zesty.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And it has absolutely fucking nothing to do with what your sexuality is.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no, no.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Some people can be camp, some people can be masque af. How much do they like da penis? It no fact. Leonardo DiCaprio looked super zesty. But we know he loves a 21 year old model.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

We don't know much else about him. That's the only fact, as the comedian joked. But I'm intrigued by the multitude of Leo that we saw there. Maybe he should share more of his personality.

[Phil Lester]

I want to see more of that Leo.

[Dan Howell]

Do more press, do kooky stuff that Jennifer Lawrence would do. You know what I mean?

[Phil Lester]

Did you know that podcasts can win Golden Globes now?

[Dan Howell]

I'm not done.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, go on.

[Dan Howell]

Appreciate Leonardo DiCaprio. But don't assume anything about his sexuality just based on the faces that he's.

[Phil Lester]

Pulling because that's gonna make lots more men be toxic and ashamed of doing anything that could be perceived as fun.

[Dan Howell]

And the gays fighting between how masc or not they should act just act however the fuck you want, Art.

[Phil Lester]

I think I act quite masc.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

What? I'd say my zest levels are low, mostly.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I know what you mean. If I didn't know you and hear you and like, everyone right now has been subjected to a lot of Phil. Especially since this podcast came out. Like a lot of oversharing. Yeah. I think a lot of people over the years didn't assume, problematically, that you were straight.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think I give off the gay that much.

[Dan Howell]

I got told I had a bi vibe in secondary school and that completely fucked with me psychologically. I was like, what do I do with that?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe we just stop judging everyone based on how they act.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. I didn't need that when I was 16. Okay. Amy Poehler did indeed win the Golden Globe for best podcast, which is now a thing.

[Phil Lester]

Do we need to start campaigning for our Golden Globe? Because we are technically a US based production, so we could win the Golden Globe.

[Dan Howell]

You know how there's some awards that mean nothing? Yeah, like every Grammy. Oh, oh, am I not gonna win the Grammy? Oh, no. There is Grammys for standup specials. Yes, but I'd never win that. Anyway. There's certain awards which are all, like, just random networking and whatever the boomers that vote for it are. I think the Oscars are quite good. Right. But the Grammys are just who sold the most records. Boom. Have it. The Grammys are ass.

[Phil Lester]

Are they?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Their choices for who to choose for the categories and who to pick are always. The most commercial, the most random. The alternate. Like the metal and rock categories are like, why Metallica? I love Metallica. They're one of my favorite bands of all time. They have 105. Give it to someone new.

[Phil Lester]

Someone new.

[Dan Howell]

And so the whole podcast ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Amy Poehler. In fact, I think I would fight for her. If someone said I've disrespected her in the street, I would growl at them.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, so maybe she deserves it.

[Dan Howell]

I wouldn't fight them. Cause I don't do that.

[Phil Lester]

You don't fight.

[Dan Howell]

But I would weird them out by, like, growling. And then they'd think this furry is gonna do something weird to me. And then they'd run and I would have defended her.

[Phil Lester]

Maybe she deserved it then.

[Dan Howell]

It's funny. I've seen lots of clips. Okay, congratulations. Hilarious person. Yeah. If we host the Golden Globes five times, we too could win the podcast award.

[Phil Lester]

How do we start campaigning? What do we need to do?

[Dan Howell]

We need to appeal to the. Is it the readers of the Hollywood Forum Press?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know who it is.

[Dan Howell]

Naked, spread front cover. I don't think that's what that type of magazine is. Not every magazine is attitude and gay times.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Dan Howell]

T1 kera.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Spread cheeks.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Present an award. Yes, I think we could present an award.

[Phil Lester]

We could present it.

[Dan Howell]

Would you go back to your red carpet presenting era to establish yourself in.

[Phil Lester]

That scene just to get this Golden Globe? I don't think I could do any more red carpet interviews.

[Dan Howell]

Your presenter era is over.

[Phil Lester]

No. So I'm gonna have to really transition to singing or acting to get onto the red carpet, and I can't act. I can kind of say I've got a good baritone.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, go on, then. Ooh.

[Phil Lester]

That was my ship sound.

[Dan Howell]

No. Yeah, that's Foghorn, the new single by Phil Lester.

[Phil Lester]

I would really like to win it, though.

[Dan Howell]

What, because a Grinder Award and Tumblr White Boy of the air isn't enough for you?

[Phil Lester]

You know what? A Grinder Award is better than a Golden Globe.

[Dan Howell]

Fuck the Golden Globes, basically. And it was decided for by the people. What do you want, Phil? Do you want. Oh, whatever this select group of judges are chose you or do you want. I was democratically elected by the people.

[Phil Lester]

Democratic Grinder Award. Done.

[Dan Howell]

Fist that palm.

[Phil Lester]

I did award shows.

[Dan Howell]

Never look fun to be in the room for anyway.

[Phil Lester]

Sweaty.

[Dan Howell]

When we worked at the Brits, you're sat at a table for, like, two hours. Yeah, clapping for other people.

[Phil Lester]

We never got to sit at the table. What are you talking about?

[Dan Howell]

No, but we looked at them from the fire. Extra.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we were stood in a horrible.

[Dan Howell]

We were stood in the alley outside.

[Phil Lester]

Toilet entrance waiting for Ed Sheeran. Please. Seven seconds to tell us a secret.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, nice. Go. I need to fart right now, but I'm holding it in because I'm on the carpet. Thank you so much. And to be fair, Ed Sheeran was polite.

[Phil Lester]

He remembered us.

[Dan Howell]

There's a list of celebrities that Dan and Phil liked.

[Phil Lester]

I like Ed Sheeran. He said Dan and Phil. He remembered my name. I don't know if he knew if.

[Dan Howell]

I. Dan or Phil Fucking Minimum. Yeah, a person that asked for a selfie. If Ed Sheeran can remember Phil, what's your excuse? Yeah, but, Phil, if you can't even stay up to watch the Oscars, are you really gonna get dressed to go to an award show? No, you're in your inside area.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna stay inside. We've got friends staying. We need to clean the House friends are coming.

[Dan Howell]

I love having friends this weekend. Gay friends who listen to the podcast. And we can't share anecdotes about long time friends.

[Phil Lester]

We love you guys.

[Dan Howell]

We can tell them about the towel.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah. One of them's so muscular. He ripped one of our towels in half by cleaning his back.

[Dan Howell]

Imagine strafing a towel over your back and then you go to do the scrub and you just go. And honestly, he was quite like, apologetic. Oh my God, I just totally fucked up one of your towels. And I was like, where can I learn this power?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

That's not even twunk era. That's bear era. And we're gonna need. That's like three decades, guys. So if you're a part of the niche community that are manifesting the Dan and Phil Barra zone, you got a long, long, long game. Slow burn.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, the question is, do we put them in the spare corner room where there's a giant dill head staring at the bed?

[Dan Howell]

Our spare room is fucked up right now.

[Phil Lester]

So there's boxes.

[Dan Howell]

For many, many months, the spare bedroom where we put guests has just been the stuff room. And we keep the door closed because it is a place of deep shame.

[Phil Lester]

It's a nightmare. But then is it weird to like redo the bedroom that we're sleeping in to put someone else in? Cause I feel like the energy of us is still in there spiritually, you know what I mean?

[Dan Howell]

Like, it's weirder giving your friend the nice room. Cause it's nice or them being in like. And obviously you'll change the bedding.

[Phil Lester]

You'll change the bedding.

[Dan Howell]

We're not trying to start a cuddle puddle app over here.

[Phil Lester]

But the spirit of us does, I.

[Dan Howell]

Think remains, is lingering.

[Phil Lester]

It lingers, like, despite us being alive.

[Dan Howell]

And in the same house, we are haunting that space.

[Phil Lester]

So I think.

[Dan Howell]

But then the other room is filled with cardboard and a giant paper mache head of our sim dill halter.

[Phil Lester]

That is a lot.

[Dan Howell]

Which is.

[Phil Lester]

We'll just turn it around to face the corner of the room.

[Dan Howell]

Sleep paralysis. That's Blair Witch Project.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, a bit scary.

[Dan Howell]

Oh my God. Well, either way, they're cooked.

[Phil Lester]

I cooked Phil. What a good segue. I'm literally cooked lubricated today. I'm just like 100% swimming between topics like a fish in a podcast. Ruined it.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that was fucking smooth, wasn't it? People love to assume the as useless homosexuals stereotype. Unfortunately, this one is true.

[Phil Lester]

I cooked a spaghetti bolognese for Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Can't Cook. But he did.

[Phil Lester]

I did. And I only made one mistake.

[Dan Howell]

So here's the thing. Phil, actually. Yeah, no, let's be blunt. Phil utterly fucked up. Something really, really, really, really stupid.

[Phil Lester]

But I asked for two cloves of garlic, and I forgot what a clove was, and I put two full bulbs of garlic in, so it was very garlicky.

[Dan Howell]

When I say very garlicky. Okay, so the thing is, you made too much.

[Phil Lester]

What's a clove?

[Dan Howell]

Okay, it's one of the little bits. And you put like six to eight bits in.

[Phil Lester]

I put like 10 bits in.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. There was, like, at least four times as much garlic as was intended. But to be fair, garlic is delicious. It was delicious.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, I could smell it coming out of my skin the next day.

[Dan Howell]

But it was 100%. People can probably smell it through apple music right now.

[Phil Lester]

Still a bit in my pores. But you liked it?

[Dan Howell]

It was great.

[Phil Lester]

Rate my cooking.

[Dan Howell]

You know, the fact that you made it. It hit different film.

[Phil Lester]

Sprinkled my love in there.

[Dan Howell]

Pay extra for that. It was good. A lot of people think that Dan and Phil don't cook. And I think a lot of people need to realize you can buy shit from a jar and empty it onto some pasta that you boiled, and it ain't that hard.

[Phil Lester]

Hey, I put red wine in it as well. I was, like, really doing my overcooked time.

[Dan Howell]

You were. And nothing set on fire.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

You can make a stir fry. What can you make a curry from a jar? Naan bread in the oven? Rice.

[Phil Lester]

You'll put a cinnamon stick in it.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly. Star anise. What the fuck does it do? Gaslighting. You want to talk about big pear last week? Big star anise.

[Phil Lester]

Also, people are saying that we hate pear. I never said I hate pears. That's not part of the big pear discussion. I was just saying that I think.

[Dan Howell]

We do hate pears.

[Phil Lester]

I don't mind a pear.

[Dan Howell]

We don't rate pears. No, you'd never choose a pear.

[Phil Lester]

I don't hate a pear.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, we've gone off the deep end. Richard. Richard.

[Phil Lester]

Help, please.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, there we go.

[Phil Lester]

Whoa. Smooth from here.

[Dan Howell]

How you doing, lass?

[Phil Lester]

Your turn.

[Dan Howell]

I can't fucking stand.

[Phil Lester]

Go on, stand up. Oh, my God, you're so broken.

[Dan Howell]

Ow. Everything hurts.

[Phil Lester]

Give him a swiz. Get in the hole. Here we go. Oh, my God. Oh, it's the red ball.

[Dan Howell]

Shit, it's a red ball.

[Phil Lester]

What is happening?

[Dan Howell]

Get the fuck out.

[Phil Lester]

So if you didn't listen to the first ever podcast, we both put a red ball Into Richard. Red ball means something the other person would not like.

[Dan Howell]

It's a great day for one and a terrible day for the other.

[Phil Lester]

And I don't know if this is yours or mine.

[Dan Howell]

You might be about to seal your own fate.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go. Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, drama.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry. Wait, wait.

[Dan Howell]

I can make this tenser.

[Phil Lester]

Here we go. Oh, I don't remember if I wrote on the blue one or not. Why did we do it on a post?

[Dan Howell]

It notice it stuck to itself. Go on, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Are you ready?

[Dan Howell]

Yep.

[Phil Lester]

I wrote it's mine for fuck.

[Dan Howell]

Who scripted this? Richard. Whose side are you on, Dan? Yep.

[Phil Lester]

For the next episode, I get to choose what you wear.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, no.

[Phil Lester]

You are not allowed to refer to it while you're wearing it, by the way. It's just gonna be happening.

[Dan Howell]

I am so scared.

[Phil Lester]

And secondly, you got to give me a Buffy quiz.

[Dan Howell]

I have got to give you a quiz on your favorite show while wearing whatever you want.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Should I be expecting a lobster costume? A maid outfit? What is this?

[Phil Lester]

Okay, I'm gonna decide, and we'll find out next week.

[Dan Howell]

Fucking hell.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, so no topic this week, but.

[Dan Howell]

Manifesting horror next time. Well, stay tuned for the hard launch pod, for whatever kink that's gonna be.

[Phil Lester]

I'm sorry, already?

[Dan Howell]

Why can't it be? You're gonna be really excited, Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Because it was a punishment. It's the red ball, not the fun ball. Okay, Speaking of balls, we also put a golden ball in there, so anyone that subscribes to Patreon, even if you're a free member, could be winning a golden pig, which means you literally just.

[Dan Howell]

Have to go follow us for free. And then Phil will literally ship you an actual golden pig.

[Phil Lester]

I will. To your house, wherever you live. Go to patreon.com and if you live.

[Dan Howell]

In North Korea, Phil will send you a golden pig.

[Phil Lester]

If I can. I don't know if I can send things there.

[Dan Howell]

He said he will.

[Phil Lester]

Patreon.com dannphil he will hand deliver it. I'm not hand delivering it.

[Dan Howell]

And he will get cancelled.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

What? You promised.

[Phil Lester]

I can't hand deliver it, okay? We're shipping it out.

[Dan Howell]

Well, Kim Jong Un's gonna unsubscribe from Patreon now.

[Phil Lester]

They don't even have YouTube over there.

[Dan Howell]

He. They. What?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Kim Jong Un, Let us know what.

[Phil Lester]

Your pronouns are next. Hard launches.

[Dan Howell]

Yes, please. Let's get a third in. Let's turn this into a platonic cuddle. Puddle of us and our listeners. I can't Wait, this is the podcast where we opened up about our relationship and now in a fucked and find out kind of situation, you're now listening to this podcast?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

What happens when we give the audience that same power one?

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, Dan and Phil. I'm glad you're here. And I would like to hard launch that. Phones should be banned at concerts. Nobody should be allowed to film the acts. People aren't living in the moment enough. And I don't want to see your phone screen rather than the artist I've paid to see. If I wanted to watch it, I'd go on TikTok. People aren't living in the moment enough.

[Dan Howell]

You got a fish sticker on your phone.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I did. I put a little fishy in there. It's like he's swimming on the back.

[Dan Howell]

Right, Phil, what thoughts?

[Phil Lester]

I think it's annoying. I get that you want to have your memory, but what if.

[Dan Howell]

How dare you preserve a memory of that thing that you paid to go see, huh?

[Phil Lester]

What if the first track, everyone can just take the.

[Dan Howell]

Right here's the one that you know from TikTok. Film it. And if you don't know the words to any of my other songs, fuck off. Yeah, okay, that's valid.

[Phil Lester]

What is? What if you're allowed to just take a quick picture, but it's someone that films the entire concert.

[Dan Howell]

It's the guy with the iPad pro attached to a tripod in the pit, holding it up, obstructing it for the.

[Phil Lester]

Next 28 rows because any short kings behind you are gonna be staring at your arms is an issue.

[Dan Howell]

Exactly.

[Phil Lester]

And do you ever watch embarrassment?

[Dan Howell]

If you're watching Sabrina Carpenter, you're not gonna see her.

[Phil Lester]

Do you ever watch em back either?

[Dan Howell]

Who's ever looked at that shit? 10 second clip from a gig that you took in 2023.

[Phil Lester]

So I reckon meet in the middle, first track, you've seen the artist, they're doing the cool song. And the last track, when saying goodbye, film that. Take a picture of that.

[Dan Howell]

That's too many rules. People don't give a shit. No, I reckon if you're Lady Gaga and you're doing four nights at the O2, you should have one night, which is mandatory. Narc phone in pouch.

[Phil Lester]

Phone night.

[Dan Howell]

No, no phone night. Because I honestly think the gigs that you go to, the comedy shows where no one's got their phone out and people are actually dancing and people are looking at the guitarist and not themselves on the fricking FaceTime with their cousin, it does have a different vibe.

[Phil Lester]

We don't have phones and you shouldn't.

[Dan Howell]

Force that upon people. But if it could be an option, that'd be kind of cool.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, our shows, we say no.

[Dan Howell]

Phones because if we're trying to yap about being depressed and someone's got a flash on, I will forget and then piss myself and cry.

[Phil Lester]

My brain can't handle it. If I see a phone flash at the same time as talking, I start saying things like flown flash.

[Dan Howell]

That makes sense even thinking about it. So I don't know, man. I understand.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, a little bit. Is there something, though, that people have paid all this money, they want to record it and remember it?

[Dan Howell]

I think, like, after you've got that one bit for your TikTok or your Instagram story, you don't need to film the whole concert.

[Phil Lester]

No. Get a sneaky.

[Dan Howell]

Enjoy it more.

[Phil Lester]

Do a few little bits.

[Dan Howell]

Be in the moment.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, next.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Hi, Dan. My name is Phil and Dan.

[Dan Howell]

I'm from Turkey and I want a hard launch that. I am a cuddle hater. I absolutely despise going to sleep while cuddling. I think it's uncomfortable. I find it very weird. I don't know what to do with my arms. I don't know. I feel like I'm suffocating or something.

[Phil Lester]

Yep, a bed cuddle hater. I mean, that's a good timing. With the cuddle app that we were talking about earlier.

[Dan Howell]

100% they are not investing.

[Phil Lester]

What a cuddle theme.

[Dan Howell]

Not anti cuddle, just anti cuddle in bed.

[Phil Lester]

What's the best YouTube title for this? Do we cuddle in bed, dad?

[Dan Howell]

Do we not? Why we don't cuddle in bed?

[Phil Lester]

I'm a bit of a hug and roll. I think that was a Friends episode where it's like, you do the hug, you do the roll.

[Dan Howell]

The idea that people can sleep while being touched by another person is like, that's so weird. I am so, like, I feel like I can never get comfortable. I can never just, like, get off peacefully. Whoa. You know what I'm trying to say? To sleep. And so if someone's like, here's an elbow. No, no, can't be doing that.

[Phil Lester]

I can't be touched.

[Dan Howell]

So it's kind of like, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Acknowledged, Acknowledged.

[Phil Lester]

Acknowledge.

[Dan Howell]

Get away from me.

[Phil Lester]

Don't touch me.

[Dan Howell]

Six feet, six feet apart. Triple king size bed. Stay away. Social distancing.

[Phil Lester]

100% do not want to be touched in the night. Next.

[Dan Howell]

Next, please. Hi, Danville.

[Listener/Caller]

Hi, my name's Emmy. I'm from Norwich and I'M hard launching, quitting the gym and paying for the gym to instead pay to be a part of the fam tier. This is the best decision that I've ever made and I'm actually saving 10 pounds because my gym membership was 20 pounds. And the fact that and here is just 10. So that is my hard launch for the new year.

[Phil Lester]

This is the opposite of last week.

[Dan Howell]

It's irrelevant again. But at what cost?

[Phil Lester]

We're hurting your health.

[Dan Howell]

This is not quitting vaping. This is quitting. I mean, honestly, again, if it makes you happier, is that not the whole point?

[Phil Lester]

What if they do squats while watching the Patreon content? Squat per minute.

[Dan Howell]

What if you try to run away from the sound of our podcast as quickly as possible once a week? Yeah, that'd do it for you. I mean, ultimately, you shouldn't be going to the gym for societal reasons. You should be doing it for you. So if instead watching extended homosexual Patreon yapping makes you happy, then go off.

[Phil Lester]

Also, we've got man ass with our heated rivalry watch at the moment on the fam tier. That will get your heart racing.

[Dan Howell]

Literally. Yeah, palpitations.

[Phil Lester]

If you're into man ass, that is.

[Dan Howell]

Get on all fours and do a back arch every time. And then you'll have a six pack downward dog.

[Phil Lester]

Woof, woof.

[Dan Howell]

Wow. Are we a bad influence?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

We did a show about that.

[Phil Lester]

Terrible.

[Dan Howell]

In fact.

[Phil Lester]

Terrible.

[Dan Howell]

In fact, I feel like we've set a bad example this week.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. Just like cuddle, shaming, talking about the exercise. Unprioritized. Are you okay there? You trying to strangle yourself?

[Phil Lester]

I was just thinking people might be slightly annoyed that I'm like, don't film at concerts. I wasn't saying that. I was just saying don't film the whole thing in front of someone that's trying to watch it.

[Dan Howell]

So you're trying to strangle myself? Shibari yourself.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm having a little fiddle, please.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, for the listeners. When he says he's having a little fiddle, he is playing with the strings on his hoodie. He is nervously tying.

[Phil Lester]

No, I'm not nervous.

[Dan Howell]

You were worried about hate comments from people thinking they're not allowed to hold up. And now you're giving yourself a hoodie string mustache.

[Phil Lester]

Do what you like. I'm not.

[Dan Howell]

Phil says, do what you like. We have no opinions. We love pets. We love cats. We love cats. We love cuddles. We love vaping.

[Phil Lester]

No, we don't.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to think about that?

[Phil Lester]

I don't like vaping. Wow.

[Dan Howell]

Vape hive are shaking right now. Personally get Mango blasted out of the room.

[Phil Lester]

Mango blast the ass.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, let's go on that note. Wonderful week. Thank you for joining us. See you next time.

[Phil Lester]

Unless you're hanging around for patrons. We're about to do some more yapping. Join us there.

[Dan Howell]

Quit the gym. Come hang out. See you next week. Bye bye.