Why we sleep in different beds

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: "Why We Sleep in Different Beds"

Date: November 24, 2025
Hosts: Dan and Phil

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Episode Overview

This episode of "HARD LAUNCH" brings Dan and Phil’s signature brand of raw, comedic oversharing to the topic of their sleep arrangements, navigating relationship quirks, and continually circling back to bodily functions—prompting both laughs and the threat of a self-imposed "no piss challenge." The duo reflect on their domestic life, societal expectations around sleep and relationships, awkward home renovations, mashed potato textures, anxieties about driving, and answer hard-hitting (and lighthearted) questions from listeners. The episode seamlessly bounces between earnest moments and surreal banter, ultimately offering an honest dive into intimacy, boundaries, and everything in between.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Confessions: Why They Sleep in Separate Beds

• Phil Outing Dan’s Sleeping Arrangements: The episode begins with Phil publicly revealing that Dan slept in a separate bed the previous night.
  • [01:03] Phil: “I wanted your pure reaction. Why did you not want to join me?”
• Dan’s Defense: Dan lists playful and plausible reasons for sleeping separately—needing space, comfort, and escaping Phil’s “wine snoring.”
  • [01:59] Dan: “You're a wine snorer... When you drink, you snort like a goddamn hog.”
• Relationship Realism: The pair normalize the idea that a little space in relationships can be healthy.
  • [01:27] Dan: "Sometimes people say in relationships... that a bit of space is healthy."

2. Recurring Podcast Themes & The 'No Piss Challenge'

• Self-Referential Humor: Dan and Phil note that despite the podcast’s claim to cover relationships and living authentically, the real motif is their ongoing jokes about urine.
  • [03:10] Dan: “It’s the Pisscast.”
• Community Involvement: They reference fans' astonishment at their ability to keep returning to this theme and decide to attempt a “#NoPissChallenge” for the episode.
  • [03:28] Dan: “No piss challenge for the next however many minutes.”

3. Listener Interactions and Unexpected Fan Tributes

• Fan Tattoos: The hosts marvel at a listener’s "Don’t Cry Craft" pigeon tattoo, which features an inside joke.
  • [04:11] Dan: “We are two quirky stars.”
• Pledge for Further Fan Engagement: Speculate on who will get a "piss" tattoo and encourage listeners to participate in their in-jokes.

4. Cultural Differences: Thanksgiving

• British Perspective: Dan and Phil discuss not celebrating Thanksgiving, poking gentle fun at American traditions and foods.
  • [04:49] Dan: “Be grateful for gourds.”
• Textural Trauma: Phil expresses an aversion to "gloop" and "slop" in traditional holiday foods.
  • [05:15] Phil: “I don’t do well with gloop.”

5. Personal Comfort Zones and Social Anxieties

• Pee Shyness & Builder Encounters:
  • [07:47] Dan: “You will go across the house to relieve yourself when we have guests there.”
  • The story unpacks Phil’s bashfulness and his awkwardness around builders—which doubles as a detour into their strange COVID-era cohabitation.
• House Renovation Dynamics: Jokes about who the builders perceived as the "wife" and playful musings on gender roles in their relationship.
  • [11:07] Phil: “Now this time I don’t want people to think I’m the wife of the relationship.”

6. Straddling the Gay–Straight Divide & Community Identity

• Phil’s Outsider Status: Phil describes not fitting neatly into either gay or straight social spheres, which segues into a wider conversation about their audience and community.
  • [12:55] Phil: “I don’t feel like I fully fit into the stereotypical gay culture…”
  • [13:12] Dan: “This is what the Dan and Phil community is about… all of the miscellaneous others.”
• Celebration of the Unconventional: Both encourage listeners to embrace their oddities.

7. Domestic Details and Pet Peeves

• Shoe Disasters and Dumb Injuries: The show offers visual gags about Phil’s decrepit shoes and his history of glue mishaps, reinforcing the “oversharing” brand.
  • [14:24] Dan: “For anyone listening, the entire bottom of his sole is flapping up.”
• Household Cleanliness Ignorance: Anecdotes about the horror of seeing dirt with blacklights and advanced vacuum tech.
  • [16:12] Dan: “I’m a big believer in never swabbing or blacklighting anything. Ignorance is bliss.”

8. Driving: Fear and Reluctance

• Phil’s Driving Anxiety: An earnest segment where Phil opens up about his phobia despite having passed his test.
  • [18:38] Phil: “I think I have driving anxietyphobia… mild panic attacks whenever I got behind the wheel.”
  • [21:14] Phil: “If you’re not confident enough behind the wheel, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel.”
• Caution and Acceptance: Discuss the wisdom of self-awareness regarding road safety.

9. Couple Games: "Let's Get Deep"

• Relationship Q&A: The duo receive and answer prompts from a card game meant for couples, providing both comedic and sincere responses:
  • [22:37] Dan: “Would you rather help your partner with the dishes or help with the laundry?”
    • [22:44] Phil: “Dan still doesn’t know how to do the laundry… you’re not putting the socks on 80 degrees anymore.”
  • [23:57] Dan: “If you were to brag about your partner to your friends, what would you say?”
    • [24:18] Dan: “Phil is very thoughtful. I don’t know if it’s altruistic or a weird MrBeast kink…”
    • [24:54] Phil: “You have a magnificent mullet… and you’re a great holiday planner.”
  • Sharing how each unwinds after a hard day, favorite snacks, and quirky date night stories.

10. Children: Readiness, Reluctance, and the "Funkle" Life

• Children as a Topic: Random draw from their topic generator ("Richard") leads to a candid talk about parenthood.
  • [30:30] Dan: “I will say right now, I don’t feel like I want them. I’m not ready for that…”
• Critique of “Kid-Hating”: They question society’s disdain for children, pointing out everyone's been one.
  • [31:12] Phil: “If you hate kids, you wouldn’t be existing yourself.”
• Embracing the Uncle Role: Phil expresses love for being the “fun uncle” without the full responsibility.

11. Listener Hard Launches

• Oversharing from the Audience:
  • Sarah from Australia proudly proclaims her love of “pissing in the shower,” leading to an inevitable return to the podcast's “piss” theme.
    • [32:30] Sarah (Caller): “I’m hard launching pissing in the shower. It’s fabulous!”
  • Taylor clocks in with ageism, targeting elderly drivers.
    • [34:21] Taylor (Caller): “I hate old people. Specifically old people driving, making me late to work.”
  • Gabrielle proposes to their partner on the pod, with Dan and Phil celebrating their matchmaking powers.
    • [35:21] Gabrielle (Caller): “I am taking this moment to hard launch asking my partner to marry me.”

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Dan on Phil’s Snoring:
  • [02:02] Dan: “When you drink, you snort like a goddamn hog. Not like little snort me, me, me. Like, no. You are not a whispering angel, you are a screaming pig.”
• On Podcast Themes:
  • [03:10] Dan: “It’s the Pisscast.”
• Phil on Thanksgiving Food:
  • [05:18] Phil: “I don’t do well with gloop… but, like, the turkey and all that is great.”
• Dan on Ignorance:
  • [16:12] Dan: “I’m a big believer in never swabbing or blacklighting anything. Ignorance is bliss.”
• Phil’s Driving Realization:
  • [21:14] Phil: “I don’t trust myself to do it well enough… If you’re not confident enough behind the wheel, you shouldn’t be behind the wheel.”
• Listener Submission—Sarah:
  • [32:30] Sarah: “I’m hard launching pissing in the shower. It is fabulous. It is the best experience ever.”
• Dan on Children:
  • [30:30] Dan: “I don’t feel like I want them. I’m not ready for that. Let me finish building a fish tank or have a dog successfully once.”
• On Their Community:
  • [13:12] Dan: “This is what the Dan and Phil community is about… all of the miscellaneous others.”
• Pod’s Self-Awareness:
  • [37:03] Dan: "And the moral of the story is, bullying works. So thank you all for your time. Stay hard."

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Sample Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:00] — Phil confronts Dan about sleeping separately
• [02:01] — Dan unveils the mystery of Phil’s “wine snoring”
• [03:10] — ‘Pisscast’ moniker & #NoPissChallenge
• [04:44] — Thanksgiving: Cultural comments and Phil’s “gloop” aversion
• [07:47] — Phil’s shyness around guests and use of the bathroom
• [11:07] — Home renovation: gendered interactions with builders
• [13:12] — Embracing outsider status in the Dan and Phil fandom
• [18:38] — Phil’s driving anxiety
• [22:37] — Let’s Get Deep: Q&A begins
• [30:30] — Children: Readiness and parenthood perspectives
• [32:30] — Listener “hard launch” segment
• [35:21] — Gabrielle proposes to their partner on air
• [37:03] — Episode wrap and moral of the story

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Final Thoughts & Tone

Dan and Phil—irreverent, self-deprecating, and gleefully honest—provide a blend of comedy, real talk, and pure chaos. Whether owning up to snoring habits, celebrating oddball community moments, or earnestly talking through anxieties and boundaries, they make even the most mundane domestic moments into community touchstones. It’s a must-listen for fans of chaotic couple content, oversharing, or anyone questioning if their quirks are really that strange (spoiler: in this space, they’re not).

Stay Hard.

Transcript

[Dan]

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[Phil]

Go ahead. You in a rush?

[Advertiser/Caller]

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[Dan]

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[Phil]

Dan slept to the other bed last night.

[Dan]

Excuse me?

[Phil]

You didn't think I was gonna bring.

[Dan]

This up for bringing this up on a podcast?

[Phil]

Look, I wanted your pure reaction. Why did you not want to join me?

[Dan]

What is this, public exposing? Yeah, okay, I'm sorry, everybody on the Internet. I slept in another bed last night.

[Phil]

Why?

[Dan]

There are so many valid reasons why someone might do that.

[Phil]

Yeah, like what?

[Dan]

You could have been gassy. Yeah, you could be spread. I need more space.

[Phil]

Spreading what?

[Dan]

I think sometimes people say in relationships. Oi. That a bit of space is healthy. So maybe I did it for you.

[Phil]

Okay, so what was it? Gas? Were you gaming?

[Dan]

I'm not gas.

[Phil]

No, you were snacking without me.

[Dan]

Oh, yeah. Phil wouldn't care if I was cheating on him. God forbid I make toast at midnight without involving him in the butter spread.

[Phil]

You've gotta say it now.

[Dan]

Well, I didn't want to do this, but you've put me on the spot now. So we had a couple of drinks last night. This isn't going where you think it was. And I don't know how to tell you this, Phil.

[Phil]

What?

[Dan]

You're a wine snorer.

[Phil]

No, I'm not.

[Dan]

When you drink, you snort like a goddamn hog.

[Phil]

What?

[Dan]

Yeah. You are so, like, not like little snort me, me, me. Like, no. And I'm sorry. You are not a whispering angel. You are a screaming pig.

[Phil]

Oh, my gosh, you are Pumbaa. Okay, I regret asking now.

[Dan]

Up in the marital swamp. So, yeah, I'm sorry that you forced me to say that. But, yeah, I did it for space, so that I could turn up today and be awake and coherent.

[Phil]

I'm never drinking wine again. I'd rather you were cheating on me. Welcome to Hard Launch, where we introduce ourselves, don't we? Who are you?

[Dan]

I'm Dan.

[Phil]

I'm Phil. See? How hard was that?

[Dan]

Strangely hard. I don't know why that came out so forced.

[Phil]

And welcome to the show we've had.

[Dan]

That is called Hard Launch.

[Phil]

Yeah, we've had a little bit of theme in the last five episodes, which has been piss.

[Dan]

Oh, no. Yeah. In case anyone's thinking, is it relationships?

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Is it authenticity? Is it living your truth? Is it the power of. No, no, no. The theme of this podcast is piss.

[Phil]

We keep talking about piss, and I don't know how it's happening.

[Dan]

It's the Pisscast.

[Phil]

We had a comment from 1D Spaghetti, who said their ability to continuously circle back to piss is honestly astounding.

[Dan]

I think it's our superpower. And what a one to have. Everybody, would you agree?

[Phil]

So we're gonna give ourselves the hashtag no piss challenge.

[Dan]

No piss challenge for the next however many minutes. Yeah, no piss.

[Phil]

No piss.

[Dan]

And I'm mainly pointing this at you.

[Phil]

It's you as well. You are a piss fiend crossing streams. Oh, my God, that doesn't count. Now, now.

[Dan]

Oh, did you see? Someone else left a comment. They got a pigeon tattoo.

[Phil]

I've not seen this.

[Dan]

Here you go. Alec in San Diego got Don't Cry Craft with Steve, the rehabilitated Tolus pigeon.

[Phil]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dan]

On their leg. At least I assume that's a leg.

[Phil]

That is the most beautiful pigeon tattoo I've ever seen.

[Dan]

Hauntingly beautiful.

[Phil]

If you're listening to the podcast, it is like a photograph of a pigeon with a stump with don't cry Craft written in beautiful text with two quirky stars. Yes, it's us.

[Dan]

We are two quirky stars.

[Phil]

It's a piece of art.

[Dan]

It's Dan and Phil who's gonna get the piss tattoo. That doesn't count.

[Phil]

You're not.

[Dan]

It was a back reference to the topic, not about.

[Phil]

If you even say piss, something bad's gonna happen in this room.

[Dan]

Fucking hell. Yeah, okay.

[Phil]

The alarm's gonna go off. Richard's gonna explode.

[Dan]

Divorce.

[Phil]

Divorce.

[Dan]

Hard pivot. What else is happening in the world?

[Phil]

Thanksgiving's happening. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the uk.

[Dan]

I'm not thankful for anything.

[Phil]

I am not either. I don't know what it means. What do we do?

[Dan]

It's when people try to whitewash the history of colonialism.

[Phil]

Wow. But what else?

[Dan]

And be grateful for gourds. Didn't we have an American friend once and they were like, let's do Thanksgiving dinner. And we. Well, actually, I'm gonna continue dragging Phil today. Thanks. Phil hates Thanksgiving food. Americans. He's coming for you.

[Phil]

I don't hate all Thanksgiving food. The one that I was given that people were excited about was a green bean casserole, which turns out is green beans in mushroom soup. And I don't like it.

[Dan]

That was incredibly philophobic.

[Phil]

It was very Phil phobic.

[Dan]

And you're a texture guy. Yeah. Slop is not the vibe.

[Phil]

Mushy slop. There's quite a lot of, like, mashed yams. Gloop. Gloop. I don't do well with gloop. But like the turkey and all that is great.

[Dan]

You're just more of a crunchy consistency kind of fella.

[Phil]

And I would fuck with a pumpkin pie or a pecan tart.

[Dan]

Wasn't that in a movie? Who are you calling the tart?

[Phil]

You. What? That was weird. We once had a Thanksgiving and I made a cornucopia out of tinfoil. It was a sci fi cornucopia.

[Dan]

Was that one of those craft projects where you do something that's kind of botched, then you tell everyone it's ironic?

[Phil]

No. It was beautiful work of art and I'm gonna search through my Instagram to find it and put it on the screen.

[Dan]

Wow. Talent. My God didn't build this podcast set though, did he?

[Phil]

I feel like people are gonna be sad that I said I didn't like Thanksgiving food.

[Dan]

Phil loves it. We love cats and slop.

[Phil]

But is it not a bit weird to do if you celebrate Christmas, have all of your family around for Thanksgiving and then do Christmas three weeks later?

[Dan]

I don't want to see these people.

[Phil]

I think that's a lot of family hangout.

[Dan]

You get all of your chats out and then what do you do on Christmas?

[Phil]

Do you have turkey at Christmas as well?

[Dan]

Way too soon. People can have like the Christmas ham or the Christmas vegan pig.

[Phil]

Vegan pig?

[Dan]

Yeah. Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8 only at McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska and California.

[Advertiser/Caller]

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[Dan]

You're quite. I was about to change topics again. I was gonna say shy even in our own home.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Talking about me leaving beds to go to other places. You will go across the house to relieve yourself when we have guests there.

[Phil]

What the fuck?

[Dan]

I think that some people.

[Phil]

Well that sounds like when you got friend that sounded like I go have a wank in the corner when our friends are over.

[Dan]

I don't know what you're doing in there. What are you talking about? You could be. You could be.

[Phil]

What is this?

[Dan]

Some people when they've got friends over are like I'm gonna just hop into the WC right there and if you hear it, you hear it.

[Phil]

Dan, you are talking about.

[Dan]

No, I'm not. I could be talking about what you just said instead.

[Phil]

I'm not doing any body sneaky wank when you're having.

[Dan]

You come dine with me with your friends. Anyway, we've had builders over and whenever. This is making it sound so much worse. What is this guy is when Jerry comes in in that tank top, Phil needs to lock himself in a corner of the house. You know what I'm saying? Honestly, I'm talking about the other thing. Phil will hide from the men imposing in our space.

[Phil]

I just don't want them to hear anything or be aware that I am through the wall.

[Dan]

You're so scared of the builders.

[Phil]

I'm scared, right?

[Dan]

What's up with that?

[Phil]

Here's the thing. We had builders, as you probably know if you know us in our house for two years because we moved into our house when it wasn't finished. So we thought no, we wanna live in this house. Cause we've bought it.

[Dan]

We shared a studio basement that we used to film videos in with all of our belongings during the pandemic and we nearly ate each other.

[Phil]

It Turned, I think, not like that.

[Dan]

In like a sad, cannibal way.

[Phil]

It turned into probably the closest to the fevorse in that year.

[Dan]

I think double murder would have happened before. Double murder, like legal proceedings.

[Phil]

We had one sofa which was the size of these two.

[Dan]

Cheek to cheek.

[Phil]

Cheek to cheek all day. It was so claustrophobic. And we were living with every box of our stuff in one room. So we were sleeping in the tiny, amazing Phil fake room that we'd made that was meant to be my room. When we pretended we had two apartments because we didn't want to get stalked.

[Dan]

Anyone new is like, what the fuck did you just say? Welcome to Dan and Phil. Don't worry about it, baby. Anyway, so we bought this house. And then they were like, we're not done building it. And we said, we don't care. We're gonna move right in. But what about this bathroom? We don't care. You're gonna have to do it around us. And they did. And so we lived with sleeveless men for many, many months.

[Phil]

They were very sleeveless. They were very nice. Yeah. It wasn't like the fantasy of, you know, leave them alone. The Diet Coke advert where they are all, you know, sexy.

[Dan]

I mean, how did you want them to see you? Because I don't think you interacted with them much.

[Phil]

No, I didn't interact with them much. And when I did, I was wearing Minecraft pa. So I don't think I was like.

[Dan]

I think that asserts dominance.

[Phil]

The hot guy answering the door, you.

[Dan]

Know, like, nah, you're like weird Hugh Hefner. You are Minecraft pajamas. I don't know what message that's sending.

[Phil]

I don't know.

[Dan]

Gotta be careful with Minecraft as well.

[Phil]

But we were finally done with the builders. We said goodbye to their greasy arms, and then Dan's invited him back.

[Dan]

I'm not done decorating.

[Phil]

Oh, my God.

[Dan]

I've got this thing which is a white wall is unforgivable now. And now I know that every rental apartment and house that is built just comes with white walls.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

But for so many years, I've been like, we need to do something more interesting than that. And look, we've been busy with various hard launching agendas. And now I'm like, no, I want to decorate. And so just when we were free, I want to get the men back. And maybe this is all because I just want to have an excuse to gaze at people that aren't Phil.

[Phil]

Gaze.

[Dan]

Phil's just jealous because I think that the builders saw Phil as The wife.

[Phil]

Now, this time I don't want people to think I'm the wife of the relationship.

[Dan]

And we're not being negatively stereotypical here. I think we both just really understood that whenever the builders had any questions, they would always come to me. No. And then they would walk up to Phil and they'd just be like, how you doing? Having a nice day? Great.

[Phil]

And they'd even be like, is Dan home so I can talk to him about something? Now I feel like I had loads of answers and I think a wife would have loads of answers. And they might know about the walls.

[Dan]

Absolutely.

[Phil]

So what was that about?

[Dan]

They just knew that you were the himbo. You were there to just serve Minecraft pajama.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Be holding your buttered toast and mug of coffee at three in the afternoon, chew my Cheerios. Living that lifestyle. You just gave that aura.

[Phil]

I know. And how do you feel this time? I'm gonna be gruff. I'm gonna answer the door like, alright, lads, where's the Spanners at?

[Dan]

I think that's a slur. You can't. What, no spanner? Yeah.

[Phil]

Drill bit.

[Dan]

Be very careful, my friend.

[Phil]

Drill.

[Dan]

So, yeah, Dan, just inventing more reasons to keep men around because we don't really leave the house to have any friends. And so this is my way of escaping our toxic, codependent relationship.

[Phil]

There is one builder that Dan does like talking to about stuff. They've kind of bonded about technology.

[Dan]

Ooh.

[Phil]

Streaming games.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

And I'm like, why doesn't one want to be my friend and talk about Buffy?

[Dan]

Aw.

[Phil]

What could I bond with them about?

[Dan]

Um. What can you talk to a straight man about, Phil?

[Phil]

Not a lot. No. This is the struggle, I find. Because here's the thing.

[Advertiser/Caller]

Yeah.

[Phil]

I don't feel like I fully fit into the stereotypical gay culture.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

And I don't want to go on.

[Dan]

You don't want to go into the Circuit Party hot tub.

[Phil]

We talked about this last week.

[Dan]

The Twinks and the Bears.

[Phil]

The Twinks, the Bears, the Circuit Party hot Tub, the nightclubs, the stuff like that.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

But also, I don't fit in with kind of the straight guy football.

[Dan]

This is what the Dan and Phil community is about. Yeah. It's where all of the miscellaneous others.

[Phil]

The others come together, the middles.

[Dan]

And if you sat there and you're watching this and you're like, actually, I'm super normative. I'm just a straight person, that's fine. No, no, no, it's not. No. I'm saying there's something fucked up about you that you might not have clocked yet. If you're here, unfortunately, you do have a severe personality defect, and you just might not have realized it yet. Either you're into something freaky, or there's something about your visual appearance you just have not realized yet.

[Phil]

Are you saying they need to put a streak of pink in their hair?

[Dan]

They've already got it, and it might be internal. Do you know what I'm saying? But this is a safe space, so you're welcome.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

What skills can we teach Phil to make him feel more capable and confident? You could just go do a carpenting.

[Phil]

Course and get some wood in my hands.

[Dan]

Nope. Let's pivot. Build a space. Electrician, Plumbing also. Plumbing's now. We're gay. We can't talk about that.

[Phil]

Do you trust me to be an electrician?

[Dan]

No, I don't, but, yeah. No, absolutely.

[Phil]

I've already zapped myself on this studio twice. I don't know why this is a.

[Dan]

Bit electrified because your shoes are the most decrepit form of. Sorry, Sorry. We're going to expose Phil right now. Phil, can you put your left foot on your right knee? Other way, babe.

[Phil]

This is.

[Dan]

No, no, no.

[Phil]

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, listen.

[Dan]

His eyes don't work, and neither do the decline.

[Phil]

Listen. For anyone listening, my shoes have seen better days.

[Dan]

For anyone listening, the entire bottom of his sole is flapping up.

[Phil]

Can you see the flap? I wore these shoes for terrible influence, and they basically fell apart because I wore them too much. But I like them.

[Dan]

We know that we shouldn't throw away clothes and that where we're trying to be more ecologically conscious, we should wear things until their lifestyle. Phil, you've worn those shoes out. This is the moment. It is okay to let them go.

[Phil]

No, I'm super glue them.

[Dan]

I stomped on them. Super glue?

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Phil, you're not allowed to go near super glue.

[Phil]

I'm not going to put that for.

[Dan]

Anyone new to the pod. Anyone listening on Apple Music because they like the color purple. Phil once ate glue. Always happy to remind people of the law.

[Phil]

Look, I didn't eat the glue.

[Dan]

You need to stop saying, look, people are listening. Phil needs to start being like, listen, smell.

[Phil]

I accidentally inhaled the glue. And producer Layla is saying, they make shoe glue. So I'm gonna glue my shoe.

[Dan]

Is that more or less edible? I don't want him knowing about other types of glue. Stick to Pritt sticks. You've licked enough. That's why you are the way you are.

[Phil]

Shooper glue.

[Dan]

Phil's new business In.

[Phil]

There we go.

[Dan]

Podcast over.

[Phil]

They have gone slightly pink, though. I feel like they've developed.

[Dan]

No, that's the light of the sign.

[Phil]

Babe.

[Dan]

There's a sign here and you're wearing a silver shoe. Your face is pink. You haven't. Phil's like, guys, I drank all that and I'm pink now.

[Phil]

Oh, my go.

[Dan]

Listen, I can't hear anything over the sound of your fucking out of the pink magnitude 10 nose.

[Phil]

There's a suspicious stain on that one. I feel like it's from Chicago Airport.

[Dan]

And what happened there?

[Phil]

You don't want to know. But this has been all over the world, this shoe. Yeah, all over the world. Think of the microbiome that's on that.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Have you seen the tiktoks where they put a little swab on things, then see what bacteria grows?

[Dan]

I'm a big believer in never swabbing or blacklighting anything. Ignorance is bliss. We got a vacuum that had a light in the end. And the idea was it points a light out of the front of the nozzle and it shows you how much dust is on your floor. And I saw it once and I went, I don't wanna know. I thought the floor was clean. And it is. It's so clean now. Because I saw the truth.

[Phil]

The truth.

[Dan]

I saw the truth.

[Phil]

No one needs to go into that much forensic detail about what's on the floor. Also, they sell Hoovers now that have got a little computer in them and they'll tell you how many dust mites it's eaten.

[Dan]

Get that, Eldritch. Norwich away from me.

[Phil]

Norwich.

[Dan]

Shut up.

[Phil]

Norwich.

[Dan]

Get Norwich away from me, you disgusting dirt bugs.

[Phil]

Do you remember when we went to norw?

[Dan]

No, I forgot it.

[Phil]

We filmed a show called Nightmare.

[Dan]

Yeah, I repressed that drama.

[Phil]

You sagged so hard on that TV show, your ass was out.

[Dan]

And thank God you're listening to this right now. People that wake up just to listen to it. Thank God you're not seeing the side of Dan's ass.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Advertiser/Caller]

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[Dan]

I think the number one thing you could do to reclaim your sense of power.

[Phil]

Power Is learn to Dr. Are you kidding me?

[Dan]

No. You got driving lessons.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

You passed your driving test and then you have not gotten in a car once. And I think that taught yourself a dangerous psychological lesson. But I can't. And Phil, people that are just so bad are just driving all the time and you could just be one of them. Listen, Phil, what do we say?

[Phil]

I'm allowed to say, listen, smell, smell. Taste, taste this knowledge. I'm gonna be real for a minute. I think I have driving anxietyphobia because I was so stressed during the driving lessons that I would have mild panic attacks whenever I got behind the wheel.

[Dan]

Well, we just saw you fail to identify your left foot. We do not want that happening on a five lane. But for real, extremely real. If you have whatever. This kind of totally. A lot of people have it. Slight dyslexia around directions.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Giant 3 ton murder tank is not the location for you to be in.

[Phil]

Here's the problem with me.

[Dan]

Can you literally start a sentence without saying look or here's the thing or here's the problem?

[Phil]

No.

[Dan]

Okay, yeah, that's fine. That's valid.

[Phil]

This is it. When I put. When I'm put into a stressful situation like this, like this, I get a brain lag which is like three seconds long. So today, for example, we were leaving the house, there was a truck coming towards us. Oh, my God.

[Dan]

He has no survival instincts. You know, you say deer in the headlights, rabbit trying to cross the street. Oh, wait, Rabbit, move, move. Car's coming and you're fucking dead.

[Phil]

This is what happened, Rabbit. The truck's coming towards me. We're about to cross the road when then Dan goes, oh, fuck, Phil, we've got to go back. I've left the phone charger in the house.

[Dan]

Forgot my phone charger.

[Phil]

Dan's going, come back. But I was already in the line of the truck. So rather than just moving back, Phil.

[Dan]

Could have just stepped back once onto the safety of the street. But Phil was like, I've started walking and now I need to go all the way around the truck. I Can't stop. And this truck was going beee beep. I was like, phil, pass the keys. Phil. Phil. And you just looked at me like I, it was slow motion movie moment, like I've committed to this and I can't turn back. And you were looking over your shoulder and you just kept going. I kept going for about 10 seconds. And then you did a full. You went around. I went around the truck, across the street again. Why?

[Phil]

Because I have the brain lag when I'm in a stressful situation.

[Dan]

The panic induced. Yeah.

[Phil]

And so I'm driving on the motorway, it's raining, there's trucks coming this way. You say we need to take the next junction on the left.

[Dan]

No, Phil.

[Phil]

And then I'll be like, what? Oh my God. And then suddenly we're dead.

[Dan]

And then you go, you know what? Over the roundabout.

[Phil]

And you know what? People die in cars. And I think if you're not confident enough behind the wheel, you shouldn't be behind the wheel.

[Dan]

More people should be like, that's my hot take. I think that more people in the world should go, I shouldn't be behind the wheel.

[Phil]

Yes. And I don't trust myself to do it well enough. And I think I do have like a feedback loop of anxiety where I should probably have tried harder once I'd passed my test to drive a little and put myself out of the comfort zone.

[Dan]

So it's a middle ground between reinforcing self destructive anxieties and accepting that you shouldn't be a menace to society.

[Phil]

Yes. I'm gonna wait for self driving cars. But also London has public transport. I can get on the tube.

[Dan]

Tube's right there.

[Phil]

I don't need a car right now.

[Dan]

But girl, I'm so lazy. I got on the bus to a dentist which is 300 yards away. So please don't judge me. Is this relatable or am I weird?

[Phil]

Speaking of relatable, I don't do. Hey, so you know relatable sent us a load of games.

[Dan]

Sorry. The lava lamp is doing something super phallic. I am so sorry.

[Phil]

Don't do that.

[Dan]

Exotic.

[Phil]

Yes. Get the game we played let's get deep friends edition last time and questions for couples. They've sent us the couples edition now.

[Dan]

With 50 activity cards. I'm scared.

[Phil]

Thank you for sponsoring us and sending us all of these games. We love you lads. And people are gonna get the real tea on our relationship now with 50 cards for date night.

[Dan]

Because we're not volunteering the information, we're being prompted it we Are great.

[Phil]

Should we get inside? Oh, this one has icebreaker. Deep, deeper, and activity.

[Dan]

Let's go down the rabbit hole.

[Phil]

All right, let's start with an icebreaker.

[Dan]

Okay, Icebreaker. Oh, are you jerking? Would you rather help your partner with the dishes or help with the laundry? Is this just the Attack Dan episode?

[Phil]

Dan still doesn't know how to do the laundry. You've learned a little bit. You're not putting the socks on 80 degrees anymore. And I've taught you about the wonders of scent balls.

[Dan]

Next. What is your favorite way to eat a potato? Well, like, anally. What does that mean? Oh, like. Sorry. The way that you cook a potato. That's what that I was like. How else do you eat a potato with your mouth? Well, yeah, I understand it now. Phil Fries. That's the only answer.

[Phil]

Fries is the best fries. I love a roast potato with a roast dinner. That's pretty up there when they get a roast potato. Crispy edges.

[Dan]

Double crispy and fluffy.

[Phil]

So they're my 2s tier ones.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Does a sweet potato count? Sweet potato fries.

[Dan]

Oh, we're going rogue now.

[Phil]

I love that. I don't.

[Dan]

What? Potatoes can fuck off and die.

[Phil]

I have a texture issue with mashed potato. I'm sorry. Especially one with lumps in. If there's a lump in there, I am out of there. I can't do it. And you know that TikTok that's really famous with the spud people where they, like, covered them in beans and tuna and sauce? Can't do it.

[Dan]

No.

[Phil]

Can't do it.

[Dan]

No. I don't.

[Phil]

Can't do that.

[Dan]

Okay, well, the ice is broken, and I'm now scared.

[Phil]

Yeah, that's not very sexy talking about a potato, but we're gonna get that.

[Dan]

Okay, here's a deep one. We're getting deep. Here we go. Gu. Get ready for the real drama.

[Phil]

Be ready for Dan and Phil. Get deep.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

If you were to brag about your partners, your friends, what would you say? I like this one. Brag about me.

[Dan]

His ability to be loud and start every sentence with here's the thing really commands your attention.

[Phil]

You calling me loud? The gaming channel people have broken their headphones with your screams.

[Dan]

At least you didn't say breaking the sound barrier.

[Phil]

Okay.

[Dan]

No, for real. I would say Phil is very thoughtful. I don't know if it's altruistic or if It's a weird MrBeast kink, but the way that he will gift Labubus to people is quite wholesome. He will think of a nice Christmas present for everybody. And I remember people's birthdays and you remember people's birthdays.

[Phil]

June, the 11th.

[Dan]

So that he could enjoy. Oh, you bet.

[Advertiser/Caller]

Wow.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Wow, Phil. Clap, clap, clap.

[Phil]

When's mine?

[Dan]

Compliment me. January 30th.

[Phil]

One time I actually said 31st.

[Dan]

Eh, compliment me. Hello, Dan. Yes, Phil.

[Phil]

You have a magnificent mullet. I'll be like, do you know this guy? He's got a great mullet.

[Dan]

Who have you said that to?

[Phil]

So many people, you wouldn't even know them.

[Dan]

Who the fuck are you talking to?

[Phil]

People in the streets.

[Dan]

I feel like that wasn't a real one.

[Phil]

I know.

[Dan]

Phil had his chance and he did not. He literally. 16 years. He can't think of something.

[Phil]

Dan is very funny. And also, why do I feel like.

[Dan]

There'S a buck coming?

[Phil]

No. And you are a great holiday planner. Whenever we go on holiday, you do a banging itinerary.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

You know, when we're on tour, all the best restaurants.

[Dan]

I resent that. It is my job to plan every restaurant, every activity.

[Phil]

And I appreciate that.

[Dan]

Book every hotel.

[Phil]

You're great at Google Maps.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's it. That's my skill.

[Phil]

And you've got a slight woodland creature energy, which I appreciate.

[Dan]

Oh, okay. I'm a squirrel, you're a hog. And yet we must go deeper.

[Phil]

Delve Phil.

[Dan]

Imagine I had a long and exhausting day. How would you help me unwind? Slow your roll. Everybody shut up. Okay. Answer this sincerely.

[Phil]

Okay. If Dan's had a really stressful day like today, I'll say, dan, tell me about your favorite roller coasters or what's.

[Dan]

That game you're playing? Do you want to talk to me for 25 minutes about that game you're playing and what you're doing in that game?

[Phil]

What's your favorite class in Elden Ring Night Reign? And why do you like the bird? And then I'll say that to him. And you love having a, like, 10 minute little chat about your interests.

[Dan]

That is so true. I would change the colored lights in the living room to something fun, like a purple. And I would make you a little bowl of crisps and an icy Ribena.

[Phil]

Oh, I love this.

[Dan]

And I would play some lo fi, and then I would just leave it there, but I wouldn't interact with you. So you could just sit down in your sofa crease. And then, like, the crisps and the Ribena would just be there.

[Phil]

And then I could play a game and just, like, chomp down on some cross crisps.

[Dan]

Yeah. And I would never take credit for it or. Well, you'd never like, acknowledge or thank me, but it would just be that.

[Phil]

Thank you, I appreciate you. That's nice.

[Dan]

Oh, what? How are you gonna ruin the only nice moment?

[Phil]

No, it's a nice thing. Do you know fancy crisps are given or you're not gonna spend three quid on some crisps? Unless they're good, like the Torres ones sometimes peak. Yeah, they do one that is egg flavour. No, don't.

[Dan]

Fuck off. No. Yeah. Congratulations. You made an egg flavored crisp. And it's disgusting, you nasty bitches.

[Phil]

But. But there's a brand called Brett's which are French and. Holy shit. They're French fried dipping sauce crisps.

[Dan]

If you're wondering what Phil's extravagances are other than buying his friends Labubus, Phil likes to import snacks from other countries. So he will find sodas, cordials, and crisps from Europe and be like, oh, look, I found this thing. And they've got like chip sauce flavored crisps.

[Phil]

This specific flavor is the best, best crisp I've ever had.

[Dan]

Fry sauce.

[Phil]

Not a flavored. Flavored, not a flavour. Yeah, I don't even know what fry sauce is.

[Dan]

If we can get the potato chip sponsorship for the podcast, that'd be great.

[Phil]

That's my favorite potato in my mouth. What's next is an activity. I wanna read it.

[Dan]

An activity that is deeper than deeper.

[Phil]

Let's find out. What's our date night activity?

[Dan]

I'm scared.

[Phil]

Taking turns. Say one word each. Tell the story of your first date.

[Dan]

Okay.

[Phil]

Yeah. Oh, wow, he's here.

[Dan]

And real. But.

[Phil]

Not real hair. I just roasted myself with that one. Do we not want to say more about the date?

[Dan]

No, that's it.

[Phil]

Manchester man.

[Dan]

That is the vine version of the first day we met.

[Phil]

It is, y'. All.

[Dan]

That's a wig.

[Phil]

What else we got?

[Dan]

What the fuck?

[Phil]

What?

[Dan]

You complete the sentence and your partner acts it out. Kiss blank. Blow blank.

[Phil]

Lick blank.

[Dan]

Oh, no.

[Phil]

Is that really a card, guys?

[Dan]

But we did an activity. It was a one word story game and we had a great time. So that. Thank you. We did one of each.

[Phil]

Kiss, elbow. Lick, elbow. Blow, elbow.

[Dan]

I've seen a lot of stuff on pornhub. I have not seen that.

[Phil]

I'm making a new niche.

[Dan]

You have to go on a VPN to see that in the uk. Yes, Kiers, Lord that out.

[Phil]

I know. So if you have a significant other or you get freaky with your friends, you can play let's get Deep for couples. Ooh, thanks for sending it. To us. You can click the link below if you want to grab it. I'll put the Friends edition there as well if you just want to do it with your mates.

[Dan]

Thank you. And also where I am expecting an apology for reading that card.

[Phil]

Oh, what's the sexiest thing about me?

[Dan]

We're done. Okay, we're done with the game. Hard pivot to Richard.

[Phil]

Quickly, Richard.

[Dan]

I'm gonna need a speedy Richard to cleanse my mind after that filth.

[Phil]

Cleanse me, Richard. Bonk. If you're new to hard launch Richard.

[Dan]

I haven't been turned off by the.

[Phil]

Last Whatever is our conversation topic generator when things get a little bit.

[Dan]

Emergency topic ball dispenser.

[Phil]

Spin him. Oh.

[Advertiser/Caller]

Oh.

[Phil]

A hefty turn.

[Dan]

Not a red one yet. This is a tiny, scrumpled piece of paper.

[Phil]

It's a scrumply one.

[Dan]

Shh.

[Phil]

Oh.

[Dan]

What in the nub? It's just a piece of paper that says children.

[Phil]

What?

[Dan]

What?

[Phil]

Children, Richard, you're not on your best form today.

[Dan]

Is Richard preggers?

[Phil]

I don't know.

[Dan]

Are you boivulating?

[Phil]

He's boivulating. If you want to actually fill some questions for Richard, we've got a thing on Patreon where you can.

[Dan]

If you want to put better things in our balls than the word yes, go to patreon.com Dan and Phil, you don't have to join. Free members. Sign up. Leave a comment.

[Phil]

Do it.

[Dan]

We do live streams. It's great.

[Phil]

It's fun. Children.

[Dan]

Nah. I will say right now, I don't feel like I want them. I'm not ready for that. Let me finish building a fish tank or have a dog successfully once. So ask me this question in 15.

[Phil]

Years, but do you feel the maternal paternal urge to procreate and redistribute your.

[Dan]

No. I've still got so much more of a selfish agenda I need to achieve before that's even on my radar. I will say something spicy for the pod because that's what we should be doing right now. Spicy. Red flag alert. When someone said they hate kids, is that weird?

[Phil]

I mean, hating kids is a bit weird.

[Dan]

Yeah. I mean, kids are loud, smelly, dirty, strange and stuff.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Babies, they cry on planes. Is it annoying? Yes. Get over it. Yes.

[Phil]

The thing is, we've all been a kid, and if you hate kids, you wouldn't be existing yourself.

[Dan]

Also, kids are the only people that aren't horrible adults in the world.

[Phil]

Yeah, they're innocent.

[Dan]

They're just innocent, normal men. They're just normal men.

[Phil]

I agree. Like Children can be annoying. Valid criticisms all around. But saying you hate children is a bit weird.

[Dan]

Saying you hate anything is maybe just a bit spicy.

[Phil]

Being an uncle, apart from Nigel Farage, I'm an uncle and it's fun. Like that's probably Funkle.

[Dan]

I'm a Funkle, not a Hunkle.

[Phil]

I have the best life of getting to hang out and playing games. And also being like this is coming back to my.

[Dan]

Phil is not an altruistic gifter theory. Phil wants all the praise of being the fun uncle with none of the responsibility of hardship.

[Phil]

I like to do a jigsaw and play a game. You never play Scrabble with me. My niece does.

[Dan]

I fucking hate Scrabble.

[Phil]

Exactly. Where am I gonna get that from? Otherwise I hate things.

[Dan]

Do you know what I hate? I don't hate kids. I hate Scrabble.

[Phil]

Yes.

[Dan]

Let's have some hard launches from the listeners of this pod. Because just when we want to be saved from continuing noises that come out of our mouth, this is when you experience the power of hard launching. If you want to have the nerve of Phil Lester, you need to get that thing off your chest.

[Phil]

Get it off.

[Advertiser/Caller]

My name is Sarah.

[Dan]

Hi.

[Advertiser/Caller]

I'm from Australia. Victoria Melbourne, if you will. I'm hard launching. Pissing in the shower. It is fabulous. It is the best experience ever.

[Phil]

Fuck sake, Sarah.

[Advertiser/Caller]

Two types of people in the world. People that piss in the shower and people that are lying. Everyone pee in your showers now.

[Dan]

Fabulous.

[Advertiser/Caller]

I'm serious. I'm not even taking the piss.

[Dan]

We came so far.

[Phil]

We came so we got so far, so far without saying piss.

[Dan]

But in the end it doesn't even matter.

[Phil]

Sarah, what have you done? We've spread our gospel of piss far and wide. Now people are sending in piss notifications. We might as well call this hard piss.

[Dan]

How did we do such a good job? And then you fucked it up right at the last second. But we're here now, pissing in the reality of death. Pissing in the shower. It's good for the environment.

[Phil]

It saves the environment. Apparently.

[Dan]

Yeah, Phil. Sane, apparently. Like he doesn't enjoy a hot stream every morning.

[Phil]

No hot stream.

[Dan]

Yeah, that's what you do when the builders come in. You just don't want to loose.

[Phil]

No, I don't. I don't piss in the shower. The toilet.

[Dan]

Oh, we're doing judging. Phil. You're wasting all that flush. Cancel.

[Phil]

Phil, look.

[Dan]

Cancel? Yes.

[Phil]

The toilet is work.

[Dan]

Feel, Phil. Feel the pit.

[Phil]

The feel pisses in the shower.

[Dan]

No, Fae, don't.

[Phil]

Fay, look. The toilet is right next to the shower.

[Dan]

Welcome to the Hard launch drinking game. Every time Phil says a sense before speaking, do a full shot of tequila and you will fucking die.

[Phil]

What can I say, Dan? 1 Episode what can I say?

[Dan]

Play the montage of me saying what can I say on this pod?

[Phil]

Oh my God, bitch. Do you piss in the shower every day? Every morning?

[Dan]

Not every morning, but I have a couple times.

[Phil]

Have you know.

[Dan]

It's fine. Why not? Next. What's up fam? My name is Taylor. I'm from Philadelphia and I am a veteran Fanny clocking in 13 years of service who you're entitled to compensation today. I am hard launching my ageism.

[Advertiser/Caller]

Yes.

[Dan]

I hate old people. Specifically old people driving, making me late to work. I just feel like if you can't see your newspaper 2 inches in front of your face, then you should not be in front of me on the freeway.

[Advertiser/Caller]

And you should also have your license revoked. Mm.

[Dan]

Literally a safety hazard. I think that's a spitting fact.

[Phil]

I feel like beyond the age of 85, it's kind of risky to have someone behind a wheel. Like my granddad was driving age 93 and I was like, no, this feels like too old.

[Dan]

Absolutely not.

[Phil]

And we had to be like granddad.

[Dan]

Is it ageism? If you're making a valid point about the safety of other members of society.

[Phil]

Phil, Lester and 95 year olds should not be on the motorway. I agree.

[Dan]

And they also have the same hair.

[Phil]

I'm not co signing the full ageism though, because I like old people. I think my grandma was my best friend. She was amazing.

[Dan]

Did you go on joyrides together?

[Phil]

Yes, we did.

[Dan]

Yeah.

[Phil]

Grandma Theft Auto.

[Dan]

Next.

[Advertiser/Caller]

My name is Gabrielle.

[Dan]

Hi.

[Phil]

Hi.

[Advertiser/Caller]

And I am taking this moment to hard launch asking my partner to marry me. My partner and I have been together for over 11 years and we've been.

[Dan]

Watching Dan and Phil videos. I'm so sorry.

[Advertiser/Caller]

I think before that. So I think it's lame, but also on brand. So. Yeah.

[Phil]

Oh my gosh. Will you marry Gabrielle?

[Dan]

You gotta do it now.

[Phil]

Gotta do it.

[Dan]

You've been in this, Phil. I think we're matchmakers.

[Phil]

We are. Look at this.

[Dan]

Give me some skin, brother. Yeah, let's bump ring fingers as a sign. Phil, that's your little finger. Nevermind.

[Phil]

I don't know what people do with their fingers.

[Dan]

Show me your index finger.

[Phil]

What's that? I know.

[Dan]

Show me your middle finger. Oh, that came out fast. Funny, isn't it? Real funny.

[Phil]

Who named the fingers? What the fuck is an index? Oh, I'M just gonna get my index.

[Dan]

Out for the lads.

[Phil]

Yeah, show me that index finger.

[Dan]

Anyway, about your beautiful proposal.

[Phil]

That was great.

[Dan]

You've got to say yes now. Thank you for watching all these years. It's been a horrible, disgusting podcast episode and you saved it.

[Phil]

Yeah.

[Dan]

Yes.

[Phil]

Layla has told us that there's another fully disgusting one that we cannot play on the YouTube.

[Dan]

I think some of you people are testing what the limits of censorship are. You know that there's certain messages we can't play on YouTube, which is why we made a Patreon to post these.

[Phil]

Uncensored podcasts or Spotify even, anywhere people are listening. So if you go to patreon.com danandphil we'll do more yapping and listen to your filth submissions.

[Dan]

I'm scared.

[Phil]

Well, there we go. Another week.

[Dan]

We succeeded the piss challenge. I doubted myself as a liar.

[Phil]

Sarah failed the piss challenge.

[Dan]

You love to look.

[Phil]

I've learned something about how I speak and it's disturbing me. If I say look before everything I say.

[Dan]

And the moral of the story is, bullying works. So thank you all for your time. Stay hard.

[Advertiser/Caller]

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