Why we're both on a dating app

Summary

HARD LAUNCH with Dan and Phil

Episode: Why we’re both on a dating app
Date: November 10, 2025
Hosts: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Podcast Theme: Unfiltered, humorous, and candid conversations about queer life, relationships, and oversharing

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into why Dan and Phil have both been spotted on a dating app (specifically, Grindr). The pair tackle dating app culture as queer public figures, stories from their personal and relationship lives, weird fan conspiracies, a possibly haunted apartment, and play a revealing friendship question game. Expect their rapidfire wit, lightly chaotic energy, and affectionate bickering throughout as they cover everything from premium butts to cinema snack etiquette.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dan and Phil on Grindr: Public, Not Anonymous

• [00:30] Dan jokes about being seen on Grindr, claiming, “We want attention,” but segues into being nominated as “Gamer of the Year” on Grindr for their codependent gaming entity.

• [01:18] Recognition that, as public figures, they can’t enjoy anonymous hookups without risk:

  • “The curse of being Dan and Phil is that we can’t be anonymous sluts.” – Dan Howell ([02:05])
  • Phil expresses a bit of fear and desire for safety/control around dating apps and meeting strangers.

• [06:02] Dan shares he downloaded Grindr in the 2010s for queer community connection, despite never intending to meet anyone due to privacy risks.

2. Queer Visibility and Coming Out

• [06:49] Dan reflects on anxiety before coming out publicly and the lack of representation growing up:
  • “There wasn’t much representation in my childhood... it was only when I discovered RuPaul’s Drag Race... I was like, wow, gay people exist and we have culture.” – Dan Howell ([07:13])
  • Both discuss how dating apps can be a way to feel connected to the larger LGBTQ+ community.

3. Clothing Conspiracies & Old-School Fan Theories

• [02:57] onward Humor about swapping clothes, fan speculation, and 2010s-era internet culture:
  • “The worst Dan and Phil conspiracy of all time.” – Dan Howell ([03:08])
  • “Did they swap clothes? How dare you come for my character like that!” – Dan ([03:33])
  • They clarify that, contrary to shippers’ dreams, they do not share underwear, and poke fun at the idea: “Our ass cheeks didn’t touch through the cloth...” – Phil Lester ([05:33])

4. Haunted House?! Ghost Hunting Fallout

• [09:08] After releasing a ghost hunting YouTube video, strange things start happening:
  • “We came upstairs in the morning and there was a circle of brown sand in the middle of the floorboards of our room.” – Dan Howell ([09:43])
  • They and the audience debate logical vs. supernatural explanations for the sand pile (coffee spill, ghost activity, a mole?).

5. Holiday Festivities: No Nut November vs. Christmas

• [12:41]–[14:13]
  • Playful argument about when it’s appropriate to start celebrating Christmas.
  • “If you play a Christmas song before December 1st... I will kill you personally.” – Dan Howell ([13:03])
  • Phil agrees: “December 1st is when my whole body becomes Christmas.” ([13:07])
  • Debate about stretching (pun-filled) the holiday season versus savoring it.

6. AI & The End of Original Culture?

• [14:28] A quick dark musing on the future of creativity in the face of AI:
  • “How fucking dog shit is culture going to be in 50 years?... Everything will have been shit out by ChatGPT.” – Dan Howell ([14:44])
  • Phil offers optimism: “Humans are always gonna have the spark of imagination that is gonna defeat the AI generative content… AI would have never been able to generate Femboy baking banana bread.” ([15:01])

7. Cinema Stories & Etiquette

• [15:49] Recounting a recent cinema visit:
  • Discussion of a “dominant” fellow audience member who repeatedly zipped his backpack for snacks.
  • Dan admits to being an “aggressive shusher,” recalling he once threw popcorn at someone’s head.
    “I shush. I threw popcorn at someone’s head once.” – Dan Howell ([18:17])

8. Queer Representation in Pop Culture: Jonathan Bailey

• [19:18] Celebrating Jonathan Bailey being named “Sexiest Man Alive,” and his role as a catboy in an MMO:
  • “Great that a gay man is the sexiest man in the world.” – Dan Howell ([19:46])
  • “People don’t know that his best character is a catboy from an MMO.” – Phil Lester ([19:51])

9. Let’s Get Deep Game: Relationship & Friendship Revelations

• [21:42] Playing a question game with icebreakers and deep questions, yielding real talk:
  • Ideal room temperatures (22-25°C), preferences in living habits ([22:26])
  • Beliefs about aliens (“Do you believe we’ll discover aliens in our lifetime?” – Phil Lester ([23:11]))
  • Embarrassing childhood stories, like Dan’s swim trunks fiasco ([24:14])
  • “What important lessons have you learned from being in a relationship?”
    “Sometimes you have to accept people for who they are... and give up.” – Dan Howell ([26:24])

10. Audience “Hard Launches”: Listener Stories & Q&A

• [32:22] Listeners submit their “hard launches”:
  1. Sleeping with Husbands’ Best Friend ([32:44])
     • “Depends how chill those buddies are.” – Phil Lester
  2. Banning Farting ([34:10])
     • “A good fart is quite funny... Where in the right surroundings.” – Phil Lester
  3. In Love with Best Friend ([35:26])
     • “Emma is in love with you and now you need to get married for content.” – Dan Howell ([35:49])
  4. Trans Guy and a Big Packer ([36:19])
     • Advice on how to “hard launch” a massive bulge: “Flaunt it with a ph.” – Phil Lester ([37:44])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On anonymity for queer creators:
  “The curse of being Dan and Phil is that we can’t be anonymous sluts.” – Dan Howell ([02:05])

• On ghost hunting mishaps:
  “There was just a pile, a perfectly circular pile of brown dust.” – Phil Lester ([10:02])

• On outlandish future culture:
  “Everything will have been shit out by ChatGPT. We’ll be hooked up to a monitor like Wall-E.” – Dan Howell ([14:44])

• On creative optimism:
  “AI would have never been able to generate Femboy baking banana bread.” – Phil Lester ([15:01])

• On relationship lessons:
  “Sometimes you have to accept people for who they are... and give up.” – Dan Howell ([26:24])

• Listener “hard launches”:
  “Emma is in love with you and now you need to get married for content.” – Dan Howell ([35:49])

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• 00:30–02:28 – Grindr nomination, gay public figure experiences, codependency jokes
• 06:49–07:30 – Dan on coming out, lack of queer representation, discovering Drag Race
• 09:08–11:10 – Ghost hunting, mysterious sand circle discovery
• 12:41–14:13 – Christmas vs. No Nut November debate
• 15:49–18:33 – Cinema etiquette antics, snack etiquette
• 19:18–20:24 – Jonathan Bailey talk, sexiest man alive, representation tangents
• 21:42–28:09 – Let’s Get Deep Q&A: aliens, skinny dipping mishaps, wild animal encounters
• 32:22–38:03 – Listener “hard launches,” advice for trans guy, friend group drama
• 38:49–39:15 – Closing banter and Patreon tease

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Tone and Style Highlights

• Irreverent and candid: The conversation is peppered with sexual innuendo, queer slang, puns (“flaunt it with a ph”), and affectionate ribbing—nothing is off-limits.
• Self-aware oversharing: Dan and Phil lean into their reputations for TMI, referencing their own meme status and acknowledging cringe/awkwardness.
• Audience engagement: Listener submissions shape part of the show, inviting more confessions and blending community with comedy.

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Summary Takeaways

This episode is classic Dan and Phil: a riot of queer banter, self-revealing stories, and listener-led celebration of community weirdness and love. They toggle from sincere reflections on coming out and representation to wild speculations about sex, ghosts, and giant bulges—never quite holding back but keeping things good-natured and absurd. If you want unfiltered relationship truth with the comfort of old-school internet besties, this is HARD LAUNCH at its best.

Transcript

[Narrator/Advertiser]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans. Send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets. Mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn [e-mail] so you might have seen.

[Dan Howell]

Us on Grindr this week or looking for a Gamma Phil in your area. And we want attention. No.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

We've been nominated, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Biggest hole. No, I'm just kidding. Gamer.

[Phil Lester]

Collectively. Biggest hole.

[Dan Howell]

Collective Gamer of the Year.

[Phil Lester]

We are the Gamer of the year.

[Dan Howell]

The single entity. We are so toxically codependent and inseparable that Grindr have said, you are the best gamer. And we decided to kill the Gaming channel.

[Phil Lester]

I love that.

[Dan Howell]

Because timing is everything.

[Phil Lester]

Will we get an award if we win?

[Dan Howell]

What do you want it to be?

[Phil Lester]

Something sexy like.

[Dan Howell]

Say it, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

A golden butt.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

Oh. Can people vote for us?

[Dan Howell]

They can. I'd love to win it. I don't think you need to download Grindr. It's just like a Google form.

[Phil Lester]

I was gonna say a lot of our audience. Not the right kind of demographic for Grindr.

[Dan Howell]

There are some.

[Phil Lester]

There's some.

[Dan Howell]

Hey, there's a whole underground transmasc pup people out there.

[Phil Lester]

Are they pups?

[Dan Howell]

Woof. Am I right?

[Phil Lester]

Woof. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

You wouldn't see Dan and Phil in your area?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Do you feel sad that you can't just be a slut on Grindr? I mean, is it too early for this conversation?

[Phil Lester]

That might be too early for the.

[Dan Howell]

It's too late now. We can't edit it out. We can. I won't.

[Phil Lester]

I'm a bit scared.

[Dan Howell]

Scared?

[Phil Lester]

Go to a stranger's house and bang.

[Dan Howell]

That's the thrill of maybe being murdered.

[Phil Lester]

They can come to my house. I can then vet them at the.

[Dan Howell]

Front door, ring doorbell and then just be like, ugly.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I'll be like, hello.

[Dan Howell]

Terrence, put the axe down.

[Phil Lester]

Have you seen Buffy? Terrance, get your shorts off.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, you're into that, are you?

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

I'm sure there's a tag for that somewhere.

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. No. I mean, it's like, people would know where you live.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Someone would just live. Tweet your nudes.

[Phil Lester]

They would.

[Dan Howell]

It's tragic, really. The curse of being Dan and Phil is that we can't be anonymous sluts.

[Phil Lester]

True. We could be sluts.

[Dan Howell]

But big, loud public sluts.

[Phil Lester]

Public sluts. 2026.

[Dan Howell]

Welcome to the podcast.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

3, 2, 1.

[Dan Howell]

Hard Mondays with Dan.

[Phil Lester]

And what a start to the week. Welcome, everyone. I'm Phil.

[Dan Howell]

They will if you keep going.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. This is Dan.

[Dan Howell]

Hi.

[Phil Lester]

And if you're listening to the podcast, we're currently wearing demon slayer themed clothes.

[Dan Howell]

And if you're not anime inclined, what the hell does that mean?

[Phil Lester]

I'm Tanjiro?

[Dan Howell]

Cause they might just be thinking Catholic priest garb.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not Tanjiro. You're Tanjiro. I was just reading your shirt.

[Dan Howell]

Phil has no synapse separation.

[Phil Lester]

My synapses are still boosting up, I think. What?

[Dan Howell]

You're in brain degradation era.

[Phil Lester]

Dan borrowed my shoes.

[Dan Howell]

I have. We're doing full green shoes, green T shirt, and I've borrowed Phil's clothing. And before the comments get all excited.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh, my God. Dan and Phil. They share clothes.

[Dan Howell]

By far the worst Dan and Phil conspiracy of all time.

[Phil Lester]

That was a pretty terrible fan conspiracy.

[Dan Howell]

Nothing has ever. Well, no, I mean, it's a great conspiracy if you're trying to, like, prove how secretly gay someone is. But I could not possibly be more offended than anything. Not like, hi, Dan, you're gay. Here's some proof. It's like, you wear color.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

What the hell? I'm gonna find you.

[Phil Lester]

Our wardrobes couldn't be more different.

[Dan Howell]

Take that back.

[Phil Lester]

So when people were saying we did wear the same clothes, it was a bit like, oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I'm not denying it. From a. Oh, cute domestic. Did they swap clothes? It's like, how dare you come for my character like that?

[Phil Lester]

I've got some cute clothes. And ever since you went from oomph to kroomf.

[Dan Howell]

What the hell did you just say?

[Phil Lester]

Koomph?

[Dan Howell]

Is that an std?

[Phil Lester]

No. What?

[Dan Howell]

You've got the crusty rippling. One of my followers.

[Phil Lester]

One of my followers. And then cr. Wait, what is it? Oh, my God. Crush on one of my followers.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God, I'm googling it.

[Phil Lester]

Wait.

[Dan Howell]

Phil is so fucking cooked. He's not even speaking Gen Alpha right now.

[Phil Lester]

Listen. It's a crush on one of my followers.

[Dan Howell]

7D nuts kroomf.

[Phil Lester]

Meaning you were my Krumph.

[Dan Howell]

It stands for crush on one of my friends or followers.

[Phil Lester]

That's what I just said.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Aw.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Since then, I was one of your crumps.

[Phil Lester]

You were one of my crumps. And you were borrowing clothes pretty much out of the bat because. Do you remember those sonic boxes?

[Dan Howell]

So this is the thing. There's, like, Phil said, I bought these sonic boxes, and then three weeks later, I am clearly wearing them because I had a real sagging problem. Can we talk about the Dan Howell sagging epidemic of the 2010s?

[Phil Lester]

A lot?

[Dan Howell]

Get this hopeless twink a belt. Speaking of that, go fund me with a ph.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, you did need a belt.

[Dan Howell]

Are we speaking about the amount of ass that I just gave up on the Internet?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Showed so much ass crap, I didn't.

[Dan Howell]

Need to be a Grinder guy. I was just like, look at my fucking for crack.

[Phil Lester]

Phil is not on fire. 2. One of the first videos.

[Dan Howell]

Ancient video I filmed with Phil.

[Phil Lester]

One of the first videos we posted. You can see Dan's full ass.

[Dan Howell]

Upper cheeks.

[Phil Lester]

Upper cheeks.

[Dan Howell]

I had butt cleavage and I didn't even know what was going on.

[Phil Lester]

Decorating the Christmas tree. Full sack.

[Dan Howell]

That's a horrible joke.

[Phil Lester]

It wasn't.

[Dan Howell]

And I just want to clarify. What happened here is I don't share underwear with people. Because that is absolutely disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

People in a relationship, like, they're not sharing underwear.

[Dan Howell]

Disgusting.

[Phil Lester]

Basically, I tried them on, but my ass was too big and they didn't fit.

[Dan Howell]

But that's not something that we can tell the world, is it? So I was like, well, I'm gonna take them if you can't wear them. And I'm sure I came up with some amazing lie like, oh, my friend with eight vaginas that I love exploded, and now I've got two pairs of underwear.

[Phil Lester]

What did you just say?

[Dan Howell]

Some Dan Howell 2010 type shit.

[Phil Lester]

Right? I washed them as well. Our ass cheeks didn't touch through the cloth is what people wanted to happen.

[Dan Howell]

But if you vote for us on the Grinder, we might release that maybe.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, we should.

[Dan Howell]

Dan and Phil in your area.

[Phil Lester]

What? Stop with that blackpink. You want to download it? We should see who's nearby. There's a really hot guy in the office next door.

[Dan Howell]

You can't be doing that, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Why not?

[Dan Howell]

Unless you have intent to follow through.

[Phil Lester]

He complimented me on this today.

[Dan Howell]

I did download Grindr once in, like, the mid 2010s, just to feel more connected to my community.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah, just to feel more connected. Yeah, I'm sure.

[Dan Howell]

I'm trying to say something really sincere about, like, you know, queer solidarity right now. And you immediately turned it into an anal reference. Okay, how dare you.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not saying an anal reference.

[Dan Howell]

Who's inside? What then?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know. Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. Was that a notification or was that someone docking into your usb? Giggity.

[Phil Lester]

That was the USB hole. I'm feeling tired today, so I'm not making any sense.

[Dan Howell]

Thank God. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's gonna help, isn't it?

[Phil Lester]

And the reason is.

[Dan Howell]

No, I'm making a good point.

[Phil Lester]

Go on. Sorry you wanted to feel connected to the men in your area.

[Dan Howell]

Briar, shut the hell up. Are you tired or not?

[Phil Lester]

I am tired of your bullshit. Ah, don't spray me like a cat.

[Dan Howell]

You know, 2017, 2018, 2019. Dan was like, will I ever have the courage to come out as gay?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And I felt like there wasn't much representation in my childhood growing up. And I've spoken about how it was only when I discovered RuPaul's Drag Race. We were on the Interactive introverts tour in 2018, and I binged the whole of RuPaul's Drag Race.

[Phil Lester]

So much of it, I remember.

[Dan Howell]

And I was like, wow, gay people exist and we have culture. That's nice. Maybe I'm not alone in the world, which is how I felt as a child. And so I downloaded the app and I was like, I can never use this, because then people would be like, dan Howell gay. Know where you live? Penis on Tumblr. But I was like, isn't it just nice to know there are so many fucking gays in London?

[Phil Lester]

That's great.

[Dan Howell]

I'm like, 100 people in 300 yards. Someone's got a busy basement.

[Phil Lester]

I can't believe you turned a hookup app into something so wholesome.

[Dan Howell]

Wholesome.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, I'm tired because Dan has continued his quest. Where the fuck is this going of sleep talking? Oh, do you even remember what you did last night? No.

[Dan Howell]

And I hate this.

[Phil Lester]

It's about, I'd say 4am that's an antisocial talk. I was deep asleep in the coma zone, and I just hear, what the fuck? Full volume. And I look over. Fast asleep, too. Right.

[Dan Howell]

You deserve it.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

What?

[Phil Lester]

You. What the fucking at?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. You, probably.

[Phil Lester]

What was going on in your dream?

[Dan Howell]

Having a night terror about doing this podcast.

[Phil Lester]

This morning I asked what you dreamt. You said you were standing dressed still as a femboy holding an AK47 on a hill.

[Dan Howell]

I remember. Yes.

[Phil Lester]

There we go. I mean, I would say, what the fuck? If that was going on. Was I there?

[Dan Howell]

I don't. Yeah, I don't remember. Yes, you must have been.

[Phil Lester]

Did I have a gun?

[Dan Howell]

Why did Dan the Femboy have a gun?

[Phil Lester]

Why'd you have a gun?

[Dan Howell]

Was this a vision of the revolution? Maybe my people need me.

[Phil Lester]

I would Wear those booty shorts in a revolution.

[Dan Howell]

I'm leading it.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, you're the mascot. You're on the Pringles. You're on the rations.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

We're doing this for our girl at home. You know when they open the locker and it's the picture of like the busty person that's just you with those fuck ass shorts.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like I will wear those shorts more.

[Dan Howell]

Not on this podcast.

[Phil Lester]

Squeaky. Oh yeah.

[Dan Howell]

This squeaky, creaky, leaky. That's not the only thing that happened in the night. That was spooky Halloween. Spooky season. Me and Phil uploaded a YouTube video doing some ghost hunting.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And there is a medium amount of discussion online amongst these spiritually inclined people that we have brought a demon home with us.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, People are very serious about this because apparently when you go ghost hunting, you are meant to like, tell the spirits to fuck off politely in a nice way.

[Dan Howell]

Phil, this might have been someone that absolutely deserves to be haunting nasty men from the under. So you don't tell them to f.

[Phil Lester]

Off dragging them into the story.

[Dan Howell]

For we did probably. Now can you go about your ghost evening?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. And the problem is we didn't do that. And since then, it might have come into our house.

[Dan Howell]

So this is not a lie. And shut up to all the ball lightning haters from the Alice episode. We came upstairs in the morning and there was a circle of brown sand in the middle of the floorboards of our room.

[Phil Lester]

A full circle of sand. Now, what's weird, when I say the.

[Dan Howell]

Middle, I mean it's like least four foot clearance from any surface. There was just a pile, a perfectly circular pile of brown dust.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so confused about this because firstly, how.

[Dan Howell]

Well, my first instinct was blame Phil. Ditzy coffee. He was making a coffee somehow perfectly through like a circle of decaf qua bam.

[Phil Lester]

Great.

[Dan Howell]

Launched it, landed like that.

[Phil Lester]

There's no way that happened. It was so far from the kitchen.

[Dan Howell]

So then we were like, maybe there was like a localized tremor and the dust within the cracks, like the coffee granules built up, like vibrated.

[Phil Lester]

There wasn't that much coffee on the floor.

[Dan Howell]

That was me. That was my skeptic cope there. That was me coming up with the most boring thing that makes about a demonic activity.

[Phil Lester]

My thought was a mole might have got in and just like scurried along and like released his dirt out of his cheeks. No.

[Dan Howell]

Sometimes some people shouldn't have thoughts. But the most has to tag lobotomy.

[Phil Lester]

For Phil, the most plausible thing is ghost.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. We're actually really stumped by.

[Phil Lester]

I'm so confused what could leave.

[Dan Howell]

Because I was like, does it smell like coffee? Oh, this is the other thing I said. Phil Lickett.

[Phil Lester]

No, I didn't want for science. I went full CSI on this bitch. I swept it all up into the.

[Dan Howell]

Dustpan because it looked like instant coffee, but thinner.

[Phil Lester]

It was like, more thin and it.

[Dan Howell]

Was darker, darker, gristlier.

[Phil Lester]

I poured it into a mug.

[Dan Howell]

I sniffed it from afar. Didn't want any of it going up my nose in case it was possessed. Dead people juice.

[Phil Lester]

It smelled kind of gross. I poured it into a mug. I put boiling water in it, a bit of sugar, just to see if it would look like coffee. It would look like coffee.

[Dan Howell]

And it didn't.

[Phil Lester]

No. It looked like swamp.

[Dan Howell]

It was. Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Which dried bog from the bog ghost. Oh, God. Bringing it in, circling it out.

[Dan Howell]

I need the people. Because the thing is, when we posted this ghost hunting video, it was really fascinating for me witnessing how society split into half the people that were like, yeah, I'm on Team Dan and the National Trust guy who thought, none of this is real. Y' all were just freaking out at some birds. Half the other people. People were going, ghosts are real and you're going to die now. I love the video. Thank you, Dan and Phil.

[Phil Lester]

So I guess we'll just have to look out for any other paranormal phenomena.

[Dan Howell]

Can the skeptics with more brain cells than me give me some ideas that wasn't the ghost is in our house.

[Phil Lester]

Has a brown circle arrived on your floor for any reason?

[Dan Howell]

Unless you're doing that Grinder basement thing, in which case.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh, stop it. We're not sponsored.

[Dan Howell]

Halloween's over and it's now Christmas.

[Phil Lester]

No nut November.

[Dan Howell]

Are we skipping right over that Christmas?

[Phil Lester]

We're not having Christmas yet.

[Dan Howell]

Phil said. Shut up, Mariah, because I need to talk about how I'm not nutting.

[Phil Lester]

I'm not partaking in this.

[Dan Howell]

Get back in the fridge.

[Phil Lester]

I'm just saying that's something that usually happens before Christmas, doesn't it?

[Dan Howell]

Locktober? No, not November.

[Phil Lester]

What happens in November?

[Dan Howell]

What? Nothing.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Blow up the House of Parliament and don't get horny about it.

[Phil Lester]

Bonfire night.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I don't remember, but is it now immediately Christmas? Have you got the tingle or are you someone that is on Team Shut up. I'm quite violent about this. I believe that if you play a Christmas song before December 1st not you'll invoke bad karma, I will kill you personally.

[Phil Lester]

Here's the thing. I agree. December 1st is when my whole body becomes Christmas.

[Dan Howell]

If you stretch it out. Oh. Starting with Grinder is just going to.

[Phil Lester]

Make everything we say anything Grinder related.

[Dan Howell]

I'm just trying to not use, like, edge, stretch, weight, delay.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Howell]

If you start talking about there's no sense of completion.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God, Daniel.

[Dan Howell]

If you don't limit yourself to a period of Christmas festivity, it loses the appeal. Which is why I am no Christmas nuts. November.

[Phil Lester]

Got it. Yeah. And I'm the same. December 1st is when I get the tree. But you've got to go full Christmas, December 1st. You're not like, easing it into the main event. You're like full Christmas that whole month. That's how I am. However, I love people that embrace it early. I don't mind our friend Louise. She'll do it in, like, August. And I'm like, go, you.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Bring some whimsy to us all.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to yuck anyone's Chris Yum.

[Phil Lester]

Chris Yum. But I would personally wait until it's happened so Moriah can stay in the ice cube personally till December 1st.

[Dan Howell]

Get back in the freezer.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. Imagine just making all that money every day. Passive income from something so joyous.

[Dan Howell]

You need to do a Christmas single, Phil.

[Phil Lester]

No. She made the best song and it's over now.

[Dan Howell]

Give up everybody else, go home.

[Phil Lester]

There's only so much art that can be made in forever.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I agree. Music is going to get real unoriginal. I mean, it already is, right? Because we've just been. Humans are so great at making music and writing films and telling stories. There's going to be nothing. How fucking dog shit is culture going to be in 50 years?

[Phil Lester]

Not 50. I think the year 2020 3000, 2600.

[Dan Howell]

The year 2036. We'll have heard every song, watched every film, we'll have played every game. Everything will have been shit out by ChatGPT. We'll be hooked up to a monitor like Wall E. It's over.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my God. That's dark for a November day.

[Dan Howell]

Well, it won't be because Femboy Dan.

[Phil Lester]

Will get that, I think.

[Dan Howell]

AK What?

[Phil Lester]

Humans are always gonna have the spark of imagination that is gonna defeat the AI generative content. Because AI would have never been able to generate Femboy baking banana bread.

[Dan Howell]

Pass it.

[Phil Lester]

Pass what?

[Dan Howell]

The hopium I wanted.

[Phil Lester]

There we go.

[Dan Howell]

Good luck. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

It couldn't have made terrible influence the song an AI.

[Dan Howell]

We would have never made cats. You know what I mean? It takes a fucked up person to.

[Phil Lester]

Make cats the animal of cat.

[Dan Howell]

James Corden. Not when God made cats.

[Phil Lester]

God. AI was on some crazy shit.

[Dan Howell]

It was like, I'm gonna make a tiny thing. It's a pet and it's a fucking psycho. It's like, do they love you? No.

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

What are they? Killers?

[Phil Lester]

Exactly.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

I love a cat.

[Dan Howell]

I love cats.

[Phil Lester]

Let's get a studio cat. Should we get the Labubu out again?

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

No. Okay. We went to the cinema. Do you having a sip? Do you want me to, like. Are we sipping and then chatting?

[Dan Howell]

You can stay hydrated in your own time, buddy. We don't need to do synchronized sip breaks.

[Phil Lester]

I need to sip at the same time, piss at the same time, not sleep at the same time. Apparently. We went to see Leonardo DiCaprio. Being stressed for three hours.

[Dan Howell]

I went to see Paul Thomas Anderson. Speak for yourself.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, yeah, sure. What was it called?

[Dan Howell]

One battle after another.

[Phil Lester]

One fight. One battle. You just.

[Dan Howell]

Dawg, I just said it.

[Phil Lester]

I thought it was one fighter.

[Dan Howell]

There's no reason to ask me a question, receive the answer, and then try to regurgitate it as if you already knew it. Just asked someone.

[Phil Lester]

I don't listen.

[Dan Howell]

Is that a red flag? Is that like a serious personality defect?

[Phil Lester]

It could be.

[Dan Howell]

Hi, can you help me? I already knew that information and will present it as. As my original thought.

[Phil Lester]

Sure. Guy next to us, firstly, power move. I'd already half put my coat on the seat next to me. He puts his backpack on my coat.

[Dan Howell]

That was you going, I don't think I have a neighbor, so I'm just gonna store my coat over here.

[Phil Lester]

And he went, fuck you.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think he saw. Talk about salami on the table.

[Phil Lester]

Like, man spreading. That was backpack spreading.

[Dan Howell]

You got asserted dominance on.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, I did.

[Dan Howell]

That was like a nature moment. And you were the timid lion that had to back the hell up.

[Phil Lester]

He was the dom. He did something weird, though, because it's a very long film. It's like seven hours long. It's great. I would recommend it. Just very long. And the guy had obviously put some snacks inside this backpack, which we support.

[Dan Howell]

Sneak things into the cinema.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, of course.

[Dan Howell]

Me and Phil, we got our usual order. Two large sodas, two large popcorns.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. They had the machine where you blend all the drinks together.

[Dan Howell]

£20.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah, it was a lot.

[Dan Howell]

But we live in a society.

[Phil Lester]

But let's land this story.

[Dan Howell]

Illegally smuggle goods.

[Phil Lester]

Instead of getting his snacks out like you would at the cinema as like.

[Dan Howell]

Get your snacks out for the lads, create your spreads and we'd gone to.

[Phil Lester]

A cinema where you get a little mini table as well.

[Dan Howell]

It had, like, a side table. Yeah, yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Every time he wanted a little nibble of some Haribo, unzipped his backpack, went inside, rummaged in, rummaged in, got a sweet out, closed the backpack, zipped closed. Why are we opening and zipping up.

[Dan Howell]

This backpack five minutes later? Open it again, brother. Leave it open.

[Phil Lester]

Just leave it open, Steven. I've never heard a man unzip so much in the course of three hours before.

[Dan Howell]

Could have gone to that basement, heard 300 people.

[Phil Lester]

I'm gonna stop high fiving you for real.

[Dan Howell]

Anti social etiquette. And look, I have made my opinions on cinema noises quite clear over the years. I'm an aggressive shusher. I know you might not think that Dan's shusher. What kind of person is Dan? I shush. I threw popcorn at someone's head once.

[Phil Lester]

That is very too much.

[Dan Howell]

And part of me thinks, like, what would happen if someone came up to me and was like, I'm gonna start a fight.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I would run and get the manager.

[Phil Lester]

You'd run and cry. This one, mom, help.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

He's giving me the eyes. He wasn't respecting the rules. Olivia Coleman told everyone to turn off their phones, and he didn't.

[Phil Lester]

This one, though, I thought maybe he's got a bit of fill inside him because maybe he was so nervous about being judged by the cinema police.

[Dan Howell]

Breaking the rules.

[Phil Lester]

Breaking the rules.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[Phil Lester]

He was like, oh, I'm gonna have this sneaky little Haribo egg before he looks at me. And they'd send me out into prison.

[Dan Howell]

And you need to say, be confident in your rule breaking.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

So you can also shut up.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

That's a good middle ground.

[Phil Lester]

What else is happening in the world?

[Dan Howell]

Speaking of movie stars, Jonathan Bailey.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Slutty little glasses. People's sexiest man.

[Phil Lester]

Sexiest man in the world.

[Dan Howell]

I support that.

[Phil Lester]

He is very sexy.

[Dan Howell]

People don't know that he voices a catboy in Final Fantasy 14.

[Phil Lester]

We love him. G' Raha Tir from a time in.

[Dan Howell]

His career where there's no way he was getting paid that much. And has he been, like, written out of the story? What is his day rate?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know.

[Dan Howell]

Jurassic. Whatever the fuck it was, apparently.

[Phil Lester]

But firstly, great that a gay man is the sexiest man in the world.

[Dan Howell]

Secondly, people don't know that his best character is a catboy from an mmo.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. It's gotta be a lot of pressure to Be called the sexiest man in the universe because when you're going out to Asda, you're gonna be like, oh, God, I've got a really preen now because I'm the sexiest man in the world.

[Dan Howell]

You think Jonathan Baylor goes to asda?

[Phil Lester]

He might go to asd. You might be a Waitrose kind of fellow.

[Dan Howell]

Asda has the best supermarket pizza station.

[Phil Lester]

I love their pizza station. And some good sushi at Asda sometimes.

[Dan Howell]

Speak king.

[Phil Lester]

I will speak on it. But would you be stressed if you were the sexiest?

[Dan Howell]

I'm so stressed. I'm the sexiest man alive. What if I'm not perfectly sexy when I get my Asda sushi? But literally, the butt.

[Phil Lester]

The butt. Oh, my God. One of the main reasons that wicked shot where he, like spins and they show the full ass.

[Dan Howell]

They knew exactly the fuck they were doing.

[Phil Lester]

They knew.

[Dan Howell]

Did People magazine plan that?

[Phil Lester]

Maybe?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I think it's a pipeline.

[Phil Lester]

The long.

[Dan Howell]

It's all in the works.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. Got nothing on Sugarscape's hottest lad of the year, though.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Flashback to 20 whenever the fuck that was.

[Phil Lester]

We were both Sugarscape's hottest lad.

[Dan Howell]

Can we not share a goddamn award?

[Phil Lester]

No, we share everything.

[Dan Howell]

Radio 1 best vlogger, Sugarscape, hottest lad.

[Phil Lester]

Also.

[Dan Howell]

What the hell is a lad? I don't know what a lad is.

[Phil Lester]

Am I a lad?

[Dan Howell]

We're not.

[Phil Lester]

Lads, I could be a lad. Alright, lads, let's get this brick. Lane.

[Dan Howell]

Lane.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. When you lay some bricks.

[Dan Howell]

He thinks that lane is the past tense of laid.

[Phil Lester]

Laid. I want to get laid. I'll get these bricks laid. Keep your brick to yourself, Mr. Thailand Boy.

[Dan Howell]

Let's GC tiling boys on TikTok get bricked. They know exactly what they're doing. People magazine. I bet they're gonna be sluttiest. Intentional Instagram 2026.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, my gosh. Speaking about us being sexy in regards to. Okay, People have been wanting to know more deep knowledge about Dan and Phil. Now we're opening up.

[Dan Howell]

You're saying the decrepit content of this podcast so far, when we're left to our own devices, is maybe not fulfilling.

[Phil Lester]

People, they want the real relationship juice.

[Dan Howell]

The deep tea.

[Phil Lester]

The deep tea.

[Dan Howell]

The browns.

[Phil Lester]

Coffee on the floor. No. No granules. Well, thankfully we've got this game. Let's get deep.

[Dan Howell]

Friends edition.

[Phil Lester]

Friends edition.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, my God. They were friends.

[Phil Lester]

They were friends the whole time.

[Dan Howell]

Questions? Yes, for friends.

[Phil Lester]

And thank you to these guys who have sponsored us for, like, two years.

[Dan Howell]

Supporting this channel for long time and.

[Phil Lester]

Sending us so many free games.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, look at this. Bulging with mysterious questions.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, thanks for sponsoring us, lads.

[Dan Howell]

This might save our souls right now.

[Phil Lester]

It will.

[Dan Howell]

It comes with icebreakers. Deep questions and deeper questions. Okay, I'm gonna rummage. Just gonna go in icebreaker.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. All right, let's get in.

[Dan Howell]

Break that ice like the Titanic.

[Phil Lester]

Break me in, Phil.

[Dan Howell]

No, no, it's a gentle one, like an ice ship. What is your ideal room temperature?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Oh.

[Dan Howell]

Ow.

[Phil Lester]

That's right in the eyeball. Ambulance. I can't see. Don't throw the cards at each other. My ideal room temperature.

[Dan Howell]

Am I toxic? 25 degrees Celsius.

[Phil Lester]

That's hot. You like to be toasty.

[Dan Howell]

I don't want to wear a layer. I want to be that idiot that is wearing shorts in December and warm.

[Phil Lester]

I want to be.

[Dan Howell]

I want to wear a hoodie in July and feel cold.

[Phil Lester]

I want to be a 22 degrees Celsius. Just like. Room temperature's fine for me.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, is it?

[Phil Lester]

And at night, I want to be 11 degrees. I want to be freezing.

[Dan Howell]

I want to fight a cat boy with an ak.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Bare mine.

[Phil Lester]

Deep. We're going straight into deep.

[Dan Howell]

I'm ready.

[Phil Lester]

Do you believe we'll discover aliens in our lifetime?

[Dan Howell]

No.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Do you know how big space is?

[Phil Lester]

But do you know how fast science is?

[Dan Howell]

Do you know how short our lives are?

[Phil Lester]

Science is advancing so fast, I think in 20 years, they're gonna be like, look at. This is. Pete.

[Dan Howell]

Pete. Yeah. They might find. If someone goes, look at this bacterial thing we saw on Mars. No, it needs to be at least a foot long and have a thought.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, if it was hot, would you fuck it? Or is that like.

[Dan Howell]

We're having a really fun conversation now about what level of intelligence.

[Phil Lester]

No, no, no. It's like human and beyond consent. We're not talking about an animal. It's like, beyond.

[Dan Howell]

What if it was a dumb alien?

[Phil Lester]

Well, if it's a really.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, so if it looks like Megamind. If it's a gray.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Skiff has got a really, really big head.

[Phil Lester]

It's Travelsaurus in a spaceship.

[Dan Howell]

It's not anime, but it built itself. It clearly knows what's going on. Would you open Grinder, Alien? I don't want to get space chlamydia.

[Phil Lester]

Have you gone skinny dipping? Or would you. Yes, would you? And have you.

[Dan Howell]

Not again. No, I have once. And. Well, actually, no, the first time was definitely a traumatic story that I don't.

[Phil Lester]

Want to talk about. I want to hear it now. What happened? They all saw your Bum.

[Dan Howell]

I was on my year nine trip, and there was a water slide, and the water slide was so aggressive that my shorts came off. And then it had, like, a hundred foot. Like, you know, in a really aggro water slide has, like, a long thing. I came out, realized that my shorts had come off, and I just had to slide 50 foot in front of a bunch of, like, Swiss screaming families. And then my shorts just came down so unceremoniously.

[Phil Lester]

I love this story.

[Dan Howell]

Why did you make me scream?

[Phil Lester]

I've heard it before. I just wanted to know it again. How dare you relive the trauma. No, I have that face.

[Dan Howell]

Made it sound like something crazy happened.

[Phil Lester]

No, I had a party with Some and Phil.

[Dan Howell]

We had a party.

[Phil Lester]

No, not with you. It was in la.

[Dan Howell]

Okay.

[Phil Lester]

It was like.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, it was with John Smith. Was it?

[Phil Lester]

Yes. Airbnb situation.

[Dan Howell]

Was Gordon there?

[Phil Lester]

Gordon was there. Me and all of my friends.

[Dan Howell]

An Airbnb?

[Phil Lester]

Well, it wasn't an Airbnb. Whatever. We rented, like, a house and it had the swimming pool.

[Dan Howell]

You were on the ring cam. If it's an Airbnb. I'm just letting you know that I know.

[Phil Lester]

And we all put money in, and there was, like, 17 of us.

[Dan Howell]

We put money in a pot and the first person had to do what?

[Phil Lester]

And we jumped in the pool, and then the owner came back and was like, whoa, what's.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, I'm having fun in your house and I'm paying you, so shut up.

[Phil Lester]

That's a loaded, naked.

[Dan Howell]

Take a picture or skedad. I don't think you said that. What did you say? Sorry.

[Phil Lester]

I was like, sorry.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

Cover myself up. Do you want to do one?

[Dan Howell]

Have you ever been in close proximity to a dangerous wild animal?

[Phil Lester]

We went, yes. Daniel Howell.

[Dan Howell]

Da. Fuck. We had an argument. We were on tour. We were in San Diego, saw a leopard, and I said I could fight the leopard.

[Phil Lester]

We talked about this before, and we agree that you could not fight the leopard.

[Dan Howell]

I think I could kill a leopard.

[Phil Lester]

We couldn't kill a leopard.

[Dan Howell]

I'm big, right?

[Phil Lester]

Let's get a leopard in and see what happens.

[Dan Howell]

I got thumbs.

[Phil Lester]

It's got claws as long as it.

[Dan Howell]

Doesn'T bite my neck. How much skin can it remove?

[Phil Lester]

You wouldn't be able to blink before your neck was over there.

[Dan Howell]

I sit on that thing. You accidentally fall over. You crush that on your thing. Okay, fair enough.

[Phil Lester]

What important lessons have you learned from being in a relationship?

[Dan Howell]

Ha.

[Phil Lester]

Where do we.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, this is gonna get nice lessons. We're going to go for Five podcast episodes.

[Phil Lester]

Why?

[Dan Howell]

What do you have something nice to say?

[Phil Lester]

I think I've learned to be tolerant.

[Dan Howell]

That's funny. That's really funny. Yeah, so much for the tolerant left. Phil. I've learned to deal with somebody leaving cupboards open. In fact, I've learned to give up. That's what I've learned. I've learned that some people can't change. You can't teach old dogs new tricks. Sometimes you have to accept people for who they are. When someone shows you their true self, believe them and give up.

[Phil Lester]

What about sometimes he will never replenish the cereal? Red String Theory is real.

[Dan Howell]

Do you want to explain that?

[Phil Lester]

That means that we were, like, destined to get to know each other.

[Dan Howell]

No. I actively stalked you on Twitter.

[Phil Lester]

Next. If you could find out how and when you die, would you want to know?

[Dan Howell]

Ew, no.

[Phil Lester]

That'd be really scary if a witch came in now. I was like, do you want to know a witch? Well, who else is gonna tell you?

[Dan Howell]

Do the witches not have better things to do?

[Phil Lester]

No.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, right. Well, that's half the Tumblr audience.

[Phil Lester]

There's a lot of witches watching. No, I just don't want to know. Don't tell me, please.

[Dan Howell]

Okay. You want to know when that crunchy nut box is gonna fall on your head?

[Phil Lester]

If they told me trip and fall in five years, Yep, a dog is gonna fall on your head.

[Dan Howell]

I'm getting that life insurance out, baby. True or podcast? I'm just kidding. I do it for the fun on a yacht. I was kidding. I wouldn't be on a yacht.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. I'd be sad and scared all the time.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, that's my answer, too.

[Phil Lester]

If you had to marry one of your friends, who would you choose and why?

[Dan Howell]

I'm taking Nick Jonas.

[Phil Lester]

He's not your friend.

[Dan Howell]

He called me his buddy once.

[Phil Lester]

I guess buddy means friend.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, exactly.

[Phil Lester]

You can have him.

[Dan Howell]

I'm gonna take Priyanka down if I can take down a leopard. Okay, sorry, I didn't mean that.

[Phil Lester]

No, that was weird.

[Dan Howell]

Okay, I did mean that.

[Phil Lester]

Could I have Anthony Padilla in not a gay way? We're just kind of bros that hang out.

[Dan Howell]

Just friends.

[Phil Lester]

Just friends.

[Dan Howell]

He can paint you like one of those French girls. Have you ever thought about somebody else while having sex? That's a real card.

[Phil Lester]

That's a real card.

[Dan Howell]

All right, I'm gonna put these back in the box.

[Phil Lester]

I mean, if you are having, like, my mind goes a million miles an hour. So you're like, tony the tiger could pop into my head.

[Dan Howell]

How do you stop yourself having intrusive thoughts at any time? Like at any time? No shade. You might just be like Queen Elizabeth and Queen Elizabeth. Wow. But yeah, that might just happen.

[Phil Lester]

Well, now it's gonna happen.

[Dan Howell]

Middle of the basement. Hillary Clinton. Oh, but it's not like an active thought. I mean, is this like, have you thought about someone for five minutes or longer? Or is it like for five nanoseconds?

[Phil Lester]

I feel like it'd be obvious if you're thinking of someone else for five minutes or longer. Thank you again for sending us the game. If you want to get it, we'll put a link in the description. Also.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, that really helped save us from the worst topics that we were talking about before.

[Phil Lester]

Yes. They've also made a game for couples.

[Dan Howell]

Which they greatly even more pointed questions.

[Phil Lester]

So if you want us to do the coupley one, let us know and we might.

[Dan Howell]

Please don't say yes.

[Phil Lester]

Do it now. Everyone's gonna say yes in another episode.

[Dan Howell]

Did you see, speaking of sexy men, that the Louvre robbers were so inappropriately hot?

[Phil Lester]

No. They were hot.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

Is it a Luigi Mangione situation?

[Dan Howell]

It might be. Yeah. Here's. Look at that guy on the left.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

That is.

[Phil Lester]

They are beautiful men.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That makes me realize what emo hair Phil could have looked like.

[Phil Lester]

That guy on the left is like, why are you robbing the Louvre when you look like that?

[Dan Howell]

Are we talking about the W on the guy on the right though?

[Phil Lester]

I mean, damn.

[Dan Howell]

They can see right through you.

[Phil Lester]

They can.

[Dan Howell]

Awoo. Do you know what I'm saying? They can make me Mona Lisa dash.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Dan Howell]

Sit right on that triangle.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it. They don't want to hear that. They're stressed out now.

[Dan Howell]

Busting out of the roof with the cherry picker.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Stealing that art.

[Phil Lester]

You are stressing me out today. Do you think he looks like me? I feel like that's.

[Dan Howell]

No, No, I don't. No. It just. It makes me realize what you don't look like. That's the point I was trying to.

[Phil Lester]

Make in my head. I look like that at all times. I've got high self esteem.

[Dan Howell]

Good for you.

[Phil Lester]

What a beautiful robber.

[Dan Howell]

You craving a hot criminal? Is that what it is?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Maybe I'll sneak some Maltesers into the cinema next time.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my gosh.

[Dan Howell]

Really naughty like that.

[Phil Lester]

Wow. It's making me want to get my emo hair back again.

[Dan Howell]

Crimes. There was the cream truck.

[Phil Lester]

Cream truck.

[Dan Howell]

Did you not read about this?

[Phil Lester]

No. You? I didn't know this.

[Dan Howell]

This is the only piece of news that interested me this week. What happened? Someone stole a truck.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

And then it was full of cream.

[Phil Lester]

What?

[Dan Howell]

Did they know it was a truck full of cream?

[Phil Lester]

Did they know it was full of cream before they stole it?

[Dan Howell]

I don't know. It was like $80,000 of cream.

[Phil Lester]

Right.

[Dan Howell]

And I think it was called gay cream.

[Phil Lester]

So they stole a truck full of gay cream. This sounds like a Mad Libs situation.

[Dan Howell]

It sounds like a Dan and Phil podcast episode halfway through. I think this is the exact moment that we need to invoke. Richard.

[Phil Lester]

Richard. Richard. Help from the gay cream.

[Dan Howell]

We are off the deep end.

[Phil Lester]

I've had too much cream this year. I've got a bit of a cream ick. Oh, you're not even gonna entertain that? Here we go. Spin her.

[Dan Howell]

Was it the red one? Safe today.

[Phil Lester]

Safe. Okay. Do you wanna do the crack? Oh, that was good.

[Dan Howell]

What is the fastest thing that you could outrun? What are some slow animals, Phil? Lester.

[Phil Lester]

I could outrun a child. I've got long legs up to what, age seven?

[Dan Howell]

A fast ten year old could outrun you?

[Phil Lester]

I think so, yeah.

[Dan Howell]

Nine. A tall, fast, healthy nine year old Phil.

[Phil Lester]

Okay, maybe I could outrun a. A large rodent.

[Dan Howell]

Could you?

[Phil Lester]

Yeah.

[Dan Howell]

I don't think you could. Have you seen how fast do Chihuahuas run?

[Phil Lester]

I don't know, but I feel like I'm so big I'm gonna say hedgehog. What about you then? Millipede?

[Dan Howell]

Stubby dog for sure.

[Phil Lester]

How stubby are we talking Corgi? Dachshund? Martha.

[Dan Howell]

An old corgi.

[Phil Lester]

An old corgi.

[Dan Howell]

Alright, I'm actually gonna just wheel Richard away now. No, it's controversial. No, that's okay.

[Phil Lester]

Speedy Richard.

[Dan Howell]

That one, she's probably real fast because no one knows where she went.

[Phil Lester]

She went to the farm. Did you not see? They said where she went faster.

[Dan Howell]

For years. No one even knew she'd be like.

[Phil Lester]

She was at the farm. I saw the video. I think it's time we got a third in the room. Let's open ourselves up to the audience now.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I am peaceless.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, you got it on?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah.

[Phil Lester]

When do we use that?

[Dan Howell]

Should have used it about 48 times.

[Phil Lester]

This episode that I needed a lot of times. We've got some more hard launches. Thank you for sending them in.

[Dan Howell]

This is when we let you ruin this podcast as much as we have been so far by letting you get whatever you want off your chest.

[Phil Lester]

Get it off your chest, mate. Who's number one?

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Hi, Dan and Phil. Hi, Kayleigh. And I'm hard Launching the fact. I think it should be more socially acceptable to be a homie hopper. I met my current husband by sleeping with his best friend first. No. And I think that's okay.

[Dan Howell]

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.

[Phil Lester]

Depends how chill those buddies are.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, it might be a problem for them. But now he loves you more, so who cares? Good news.

[Phil Lester]

Depends if there was a crossover or not.

[Dan Howell]

The friend cares.

[Phil Lester]

I feel like if everyone is kind of chill in that friend group, it's fine. If there's a bit of jealousy, a bit of comparison between Jimmy and Steve, maybe it could be a bit awkward.

[Dan Howell]

But you sound like someone that is either in an accepting environment or doesn't care. So we love that for you. Get it.

[Phil Lester]

I love that for you.

[Dan Howell]

Grab it. Lock it down.

[Phil Lester]

Hop on. More homies if you want. I was in quite an incestuous friend.

[Dan Howell]

Group when you were a teenager.

[Phil Lester]

Homie hopping all over the shop.

[Dan Howell]

But you were the only homo. Then the homie hopping hotel.

[Phil Lester]

No, there's one of the homo.

[Dan Howell]

Oh.

[Phil Lester]

I might have hopped a couple of times. But the problem is a lot of people then fell out with each other. And you'd have to pick sides.

[Dan Howell]

Absolute teen drama. Can you imagine the scenes? How many sides did you have to pick?

[Phil Lester]

6. It was a hexagon.

[Dan Howell]

It was a hexagon. It wasn't. It was a hexagon.

[Phil Lester]

Cheek. Oh, my God. It was a love hexagon.

[Dan Howell]

Who the fuck has time for that?

[Phil Lester]

No one.

[Dan Howell]

Someone in a polytheole in the comments. Like you don't wanna know what my dodecahedron is. Okay.

[Phil Lester]

I'd like to add some people in Next.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Hello, Den and Film. My name is Ilus. And my hard launch today is that I think farting should be banned. I know this might come as a shock to you guys, but I think farting is really gross.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I mean, I think anybody who needs to fart should just hold it in until they die. I don't think we need to be doing that around people. I don't think we need to be doing it in the solitude of our own homes.

[Dan Howell]

Oh, right.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I think we need to fart. Mm. You can just die.

[Phil Lester]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dan Howell]

I feel like I respect the confidence.

[Phil Lester]

A good fart is quite funny. So I think where in the right surroundings, you can't be doing it at a business meeting.

[Dan Howell]

Alice thinks you should die.

[Phil Lester]

I don't think he should die.

[Dan Howell]

Also, somewhere between in a business meeting, not at a funeral, and capital punishment for health reasons.

[Phil Lester]

We're meant to be just like Cows. Letting it all out all the time.

[Dan Howell]

Don't hold it in.

[Phil Lester]

Don't hold it in.

[Dan Howell]

Either in a hard launch, emotional sense or physically. Unless.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. What?

[Dan Howell]

I mean, you just said a work meeting.

[Phil Lester]

A work meeting would be bad.

[Dan Howell]

Is that your way of taking down capitalism from the inside? Literally?

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

So where would be inappropriate?

[Phil Lester]

I got a TikTok of a guy that was like. He got.

[Dan Howell]

I don't wanna know who's doing what to a cake.

[Phil Lester]

Phil, he got fully waxed and he said that the sound changed. Next.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Hi, everyone. I'm Emma from Idaho and I'm hard launching that. I'm in love with my best friend who also listens to this podcast.

[Phil Lester]

No. Oh my gosh. We've either created the most awkward situation ever or a lovely matchmaking.

[Dan Howell]

I'm afraid that it's now canon that you need to get married. If the best friend is listening, you are not allowed to. Not like this.

[Phil Lester]

Emma is in love with you and.

[Dan Howell]

Now you need to get married for content. Also, why are you going to not into marriage? You can just.

[Phil Lester]

You said we move too fast. Now you're trying to force them down the aisle, Mr. I Hate Marriage because it would be.

[Dan Howell]

Good for the pod.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, good for the podcast. What if they just go on a date?

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, okay, that's fine.

[Phil Lester]

Also, it's great to lock in a relationship now because you've got Christmas and Valentine's Day in a sweet spot where you're still gonna be in the honeymoon period.

[Dan Howell]

And the phrase for that is cuffing before Phil says raking or something.

[Phil Lester]

Horrible raking.

[Dan Howell]

Next.

[Phil Lester]

Oh, we get four. What a treat.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Okay, so I'm a trans guy and I recently just bought my first packer.

[Phil Lester]

Okay.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

And it showed up and it. It's bigger than I thought. So I'm going to need your advice on how I can hard launch my new massive bulge.

[Phil Lester]

Oh my God.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Thank you.

[Phil Lester]

I like that you're asking us for.

[Dan Howell]

Advice about what to do know you've got this problem. Help a brother out.

[Phil Lester]

We did do a bit of fulge watch on the booty shorts and it worked out okay.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah. That is dangerous actually.

[Phil Lester]

Yeah. I chose some underwear that worked well for that situation.

[Dan Howell]

This is so perfect. Because what you need are the sweatpants from episode one.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Contain the bulge. We need the anti showa sweatpants.

[Phil Lester]

Or do you want to show it off? That's the thing. You might be like, I've got this big bulge. I'm gonna go full gray sweatpants.

[Dan Howell]

Can you imagine? Okay, I need to say this right now check your privilege. Okay. Yeah, exactly. I mean, toxic masculinity is you in these gray sweatpants on the Instagram devastating people them just going, whoa, what? Where me?

[Phil Lester]

I think I like that.

[Dan Howell]

Own it, aura.

[Phil Lester]

Flaunt it with a ph. With a ph, says Phil Lester.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, you got it. You have no choice but to flaunt it. Now.

[Phil Lester]

I once did a photo shoot which is apparently not ever seeing the light of day, thankfully, where I had to wear a morph suit. And let's just say you saw everything. So don't wear a morph suit.

[Dan Howell]

It was Saudi Arabia. There was so much camel going on.

[Phil Lester]

It was camel.

[Dan Howell]

Yeah, I saw the eyelashes. They were long and beautiful.

[Phil Lester]

Great. Well, we're happy for you and your big bulge problems. If you have got a big bulge or any other things you want at hard launch, you can what?

[Dan Howell]

Email hardlaunchpodcastmail.com Best friend, you better get in touch.

[Phil Lester]

We need your audio file.

[Dan Howell]

Storyline, name, location. None of this anonymous location. I want to know where you live. I want to see a screenshot of your house on Google Maps. I don't need that GDPR saying get dat pussy. Right?

[Phil Lester]

You're not getting a fist.

[Dan Howell]

It's very important.

[Phil Lester]

Stop it.

[Dan Howell]

Phil doesn't respect that.

[Phil Lester]

I don't respect you. After today's episode, you have been naughty.

[Dan Howell]

Like a naughty criminal.

[Phil Lester]

Yes.

[Dan Howell]

Is that doing it for you?

[Phil Lester]

I need you to put an emo wig on.

[Dan Howell]

What should I bust out of the Louvre?

[Phil Lester]

Can't do. I broke it. You broke me. Thank you for joining us on today's podcast. Also, shout out to everyone that got the merch. If you want more yapping, come join us on the Patreon, where we're gonna keep this going.

[Dan Howell]

And now it's Phil's turn to be scared.

[Phil Lester]

This party is already getting started. Am I gonna get the Labubu out again? What's gonna happen?

[Dan Howell]

Crazy.

[Phil Lester]

Come and join us. Bye Bye.