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ICE recently admitted to detaining immigrant children longer than the recommended limit. This past August to September, ice held about 400 children for over 20 days. Advocates reported conditions such as contaminated food, lack of medical care and insufficient legal counsel I read about this nightmare on Ground News, which is today's sponsor. Ground News shows a breakdown of publications reporting on a story, including a factuality score in which way each publisher tends to lean politically. It is not about completely eliminating bias here folks. It's about trying to make you aware of the potential biases of different publications so you can consider them as you analyze an event or the issue. I was at least glad to see that 98% of the 69 publications reporting on this story were rated high factuality because the last thing we need is more misinformation on this issue. Use the link in the description or go to groundnews.com huston to get 40% off the ground News Vantage plan, the same one that we use right here on HMDK. My discount makes it just 5 bucks a month for unlimited access. Let's cut through the noise together@groundnews.com Huston as someone who is culinary challenged, the holidays are my biggest op. I love the idea of hosting my family and friends but what the heck am I supposed to feed these people? Thankfully Whole Foods Market entered the chat. They are heat in each sides from the prepared foods department have single handedly kept my family together in synthetic coloring. Free. Yay. You know what's better than hosting? Celebrating in other people's homes. Because for those gatherings I am not responsible for the full spread. I just gotta show up or with a host gift and that is easy money. At Whole Foods they have seasonal candles, a floral department full of bouquets and cookie gift boxes in the bakery. Pro tip I go for the expert curated cheeses and grab some crackers to go with them. Guaranteed hit. But if you really wanna impress, Whole Foods has gift sets in their body care and wellness departments free of over 240 ingredients that don't meet their standards. Going back to your hometown Whole Foods Market, you can order online for pickup and delivery in select zip codes and it's the best way to avoid people from your high school. Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Market. Your holiday headquarters. Lemonada. So I speak Indian Urdu and there's certain curse words in Hindi and Urdu that just cannot be articulated in English. I'm going to give you the Hindi curse word, you give me the Spanish currency exchange so we don't say no. What do you say? Banjo Sister. Sister. Oh, my God. Okay, sister. What's the Spanish equivalent of banjo? Translate, Translate. Oh, God damn motherfucker. Shit eating piece of crap born of filth. Got you. Got you. Okay. Sometimes when I would get in trouble with my pops, he'd call me haramzada. Haramzada. Haramzada. Like that. And what does that mean? Like, you good for nothing piece of shit. Oh, wow. Like you fuck haramzada. Like that. Like you came late ramzada. Oh, shit. What's the. What's the. What would your dad yell at you? That's like, you fucking good for nothing pizza. You good for nothing pizza. Piece of. Oh, he'd do it with just with the accent. Yes, because he would use it. Look, we. You have idiot, you have dummy. But what don't we have? You don't have. Which means son of an owl like you. It you got a parking ticket when it says 15 minutes only and you decided to park there the entire day. We have pendejo. But so what is a pubic hair like dummy, you idiot. You stupid moron. It's moron. Oh, pendejo is pendejo, but it really means pubic hair. Got you. So if your son left his homework at home, O que pendejo? Your little pubic hair. Okay, Got you any ones that you'd like to. That you love in Spanish that we don't use enough vulgarities. Yeah. La verga. La verga. La verga with your dick. But the dick means good. La verga sounds like no. La verga. Oh, so it's how you say it? La verga. Like fuck, man. Like fuck can be. Or. So you go la verga. Yeah. Which is going to allow the British to capture Philadelphia. And they do. So he makes mistakes from the stories of us. Yeah, not just the us, but us. And that's a big, big. Can I show a map real quick? Remember, we'll talk about something that's. So Locke said, life, liberty and property. When. When. When Eisenhower in the late term says, just like more perfect union is process words. And so. And the other thing I want to say is you're very popular on Instagram. You have 9 million Instagram followers. Are you familiar with what reply guys are? No. Okay, so reply guys are people on the Internet that are mouth breathing lurkers that generally reply to every single post a woman puts on the Internet. But are they bots? These are real people. Oh, okay. I know about bots. Let's show some of the reply guys for Halle Berry. But are they Real people or are they bots? I mean, I think they're bots. Let's take a look. They're bots. How you doing, baby girl? Heart, 100% real person, I want to say. Unequivocal creep. I wanted to know how I was doing. Sean McLaughlin, 77, writes. Marry me. Just fishing. Just really. There's these other guys that are the, like, guys. They will just go to your profile and like, they're not replying, but they are liking. Look at this guy, Ronny Chang. You're jumping on the beach. Liked by Ronny Cheng. He just likes me. Yuri, here's you as Catwoman. Ronny Cheng. No, no, no. This man is married. Do you not go on social media and like things? I would like and add a comment that adds exposition or necessary context, but you couldn't just like it. Blind liking. Yeah, you couldn't do that. No blind liking. No blind liking. No blind liking on a Catwoman costume. But if you said it's World Orange, Health, education, Math Day, like, well, I do it all wrong because I like whatever I want to like. Because I am in menopause and I have no fuck to give. You have no fucks to give. And I like whatever I want to like. I have so many fucks to keep. You ran for Senate in 2018. You lost. You ran for president in 2020. You lost. You ran for governor in 2022. You lost. Mr. Beto O', Rourke, what public office are you planning on losing in 2026? For five years, you were in charge of the. The US military's most elite commandos. You found Saddam. You killed the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq. Are you familiar with the Onion? I am. Okay, let me show you this Onion headline. 80% of Al Qaeda number two's now dead. Now, General, I take your smile. You understood the joke. Absolutely. Did the Onion get it more right than the US Military? Well, the Onion was wrong. We killed the number threes. We killed I don't know how many number threes. And we used to joke about it, but the point's exactly right. Wait, so just for the analogy, if you're looking at a super team, you didn't get mj. You didn't get Scotty, but you blew up Dennis Rodman. Yeah. Over and over again. And maybe you got Luke Longley. Yeah, I mean, just. And then Bill Wennington. Exactly. Well, you get who you can get. I mean, General, I do think killing the Bill Wennington of Al Qaeda isn't worth it. This is a series of science questions that you're going to ask me. Okay. I haven't seen these questions. I am going to do what 8 billion people on planet Earth generally do when they interact with science. I'm going to just go off the top of my dome and you cannot correct me. These are good questions. What causes high tide? The tide is high and the tide is the ocean, which is somehow connected to the moon. That also is connected to a woman's cycle. But in this case, the moon is making the ocean rise. I can't say anything about your answer. You can't. I know, I know. This is like you being waterboarded, but this is not. I'm gonna explode. That's only question. Okay. Yeah. Why does the Earth not fall into the sun? The sun is huge and the Earth doesn't fall into the sun because the gravitational pull is making it circle the block but not careen into the sun. And I don't know why it hasn't yet, but I'm glad it hasn't. But it's gravity in orbit is my answer. Sir. You can't correct me. Explain the thought experiment known as Schrodinger's cat. There was a German scientist named Schrodinger. Schrodinger. He had a cat. And the cat. The cat jumped off a bookshelf. Schrodinger noticed the speed that the cat jumped off and he came up with an equation based on that. She became known as Schrodinger's cat. Schrodinger, Cat. Next question, please. What is entropy? Ent. I should know this. This is in physics 1, in high school, 10th grade. Entropy is things happening. Things are happening and they will continue to happen. Entropy. Objects in motion stay in motion. Entropy. Maybe it could be. I only have so much time in the exam. Please. I have to finish the exam. Why do you not fall over while riding a bike? My mass has centrifugal force that keeps me upright. But I do fall over if I didn't have good centrifugal force. Next question, please. What are the names of the base pairs that make up our DNA? I don't know. Next question. You look really constipated. Let's just get. Let's get through this. Did humans walk on the moon? I remember in school I saw the astronaut put the American flag on the moon. But I've also seen some YouTube videos that have said that that was photoshopped. Why are you doing that? It's so the. Neil. Based on the data set that I have seen, the answer is unconclusive. We don't know. What Can I say something now? Yes, yes, yes. Go for it. All your answers to what an 8th grader would give who didn't do the homework. They just take the words from the question and reassemble them and put them into some kind of answer that they think will get them credit. That would get D plus C minus, if it's a good day. Oh, pause it. Can we pause it? Yeah, let's take. Let's take a quick pause. Wait. Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm a professional reactor. I have to point something out. Yeah, go ahead. You're talking about the time. The time. Well, the time is the classic. We've talked about the time. Yeah, we talked about the time. The real crime is what the he's doing to that orange, bro. Oh, he's. He's peeling the orange. Yeah, he's peeling the orange with a peeler. And, like, the white crust is just still on the orange. How are you eating that orange? Why are you peeling it if you're going to. He wants. He wants a little bit of rind in there. He wants a little bit of the skin. No, it's like. That's so bitter. Oh, the white. The white part is like the worst part. That you only peel the orange like that if you want to use it as zest. By the way, don't say that the New York Post is going to now quote you. The white part is the worst part. Oh, don't. True. Now, this is one of the biggest challenges that a lot of modern parents have, which is iPad screen time. Yep. I'm going to role play. Okay. I will be a child. You will be the parent without physically assaulting me. Shouldn't be a problem. You okay? Have to get me to not be on my iPad. Let's fly in. This is dad. He gives me the iPad. Hey, sweetie, there's about five more minutes left on your iPad. Hey, look at me. Hey, sweetie, if you don't look at me right now, I am gonna put my hands over the screen, and that's gonna be really unfortunate. Cause you're not gonna get to finish. What? It's gonna be really hard to end. Nobody likes to end. And in five minutes, iPad time will be over. And if you can't give it to me, I get it. I will take it from you, which I don't want to do. I'm watching. I'm watching. You have five more minutes so you can go back and doing that. Okay, so now five minutes have passed. And I would do this 30 seconds before I'm watching. I know. I want to see what you're watching. Oh, I love that show, too. Yes. Don't take. Don't take it. I know you're about to take it away. Do not take it away from me. Sweetie, the scene's about to be over, and when it's over, you could choose to give it to me. Just one more. We'll do one more. I know you want one more. It's one option. You can tell me which one for tomorrow, and we can do it then. Oh, my God. No. I know. It stinks. Stink. Jinx. No. Give it back. What is 3 times 34? 3 times 34. 34 plus 34 is 68. Add another 34. 68 plus 34. 68 plus 34. 8. 4 12. Ah, damn it. I froze. Give me the question one more time. Zaborno, please. 34 times 3. 34 times 3. Yes. Okay. 34 times 3. 30 times 3. 94 times 3. 12. That's correct. 102. Let's go. You did it. You did it. Let's effing go. 725 times 162. 725 times 162. Well, we're gonna repeat the same trick again by taking a cube out of. Hold on a minute. What was the question again? 725 times 162. Okay, So I'm going to say 117,450. What the heck? How did you get that, right? I mean, I did list my process out loud. Can you do an American accent? Which part of America? Anywhere. I'll give you a sentence here. I'll give you a sentence. Are you gonna ask me? You've got a sentence there. Yeah. Okay. Well, it depends on what it says. Here we go. This is the most American sentence I could think of. I ordered breadsticks with ranch dressing at Applebee's. I always say it again. The ranch. You gotta eat fish. And then on Applebee's really emphasized the A. Applebee's. A Applebee's. I love Applebee's. I love Applebee's. Now I'm. Now I'm just sitting here sweating. I ordered breadsticks with ranch dressing. I ordered breadsticks with ranch dressing at Applebee's. That was decent. Hey, do you like my cybertruck? Hey, do you like my cybertruck? You guys out there, you cannot laugh like this. We're having a real thing. No, but by the way, the loft, it's. It's. It's encouraging. Is it encouraging? Or is it. Is it Mocking me. No. Come on, y'. All. We have a. There we go. How's your yeehaw? Let me hear a yeehaw. Yeehaw. No, no. So. So you got the beginning part right. So it's the ye. Is this a warm up or is this part of the thing? We're warming up. Okay, Harry, we're gonna get into some heavy stuff. Oh, this is like. This is like trying to like. These are like. If you've ever taken an improv class, this is zip, zap, sop. This is just to get warmed up. Scott, shall we do the yeehaw again? We're pretty good. We're pretty good on yeehaw. This message comes from at&t. America's first network is also its fastest and most reliable based on root metrics. United States root score report 1H 2025 tested with best commercially available smartphones on three national mobile networks across all available network types. Your experience may vary. Root metrics rankings are not an endorsement of AT&T. When you compare, there's no comparison. AT&T. As someone who is culinary challenged, the holidays are my biggest op. I love the idea of hosting my family and friends, but what the heck am I supposed to feed these people? Thankfully, Whole Foods Market entered the chat. Their heat in each sides from the prepared foods department have single handedly kept my family together in synthetic coloring. Free. Yay. You know what's better than hosting? Celebrating in other people's homes. Because for those gatherings, I am not responsible for the full spread. I just got to show up with a host gift and that is easy money. At Whole Foods, they have seasonal candles, a floral department full of bouquets, and cookie gift boxes in the bakery. Pro tip. I go for the expert curated cheeses and grab some crackers to go with them. Guaranteed hit. But if you really want to impress, Whole Foods has gift sets in their body care and wellness departments, free of over 240 ingredients that don't meet their standards. Going back to your hometown Whole Foods Market, you can order online for pickup and delivery in select zip codes. It's the best way to avoid people from your high school. Shop for everything you need at Whole Foods Market, your holiday headquarters. This podcast is brought to you by wise, the app for international people using money around the globe. With WISE, you can send, spend and receive up to 40 currencies with only a few simple taps. Whether you're buying souvenirs with pesos in Puerto Vallarta or sending Euros to a loved one in Paris, you know you're getting a fair Exchange rate with no extra markups. That's what makes WISE the fast, affordable way to use your money around the globe. WISE offers 24.7live support and runs over 7 million daily checks to catch and prevent fraud. So you know your money is where it's supposed to be. Be Smart. Join the 15 million customers who choose Wise. Download the Wise app today or visit wise.com learn more by visiting wise.com us compare T's and C's. Apply. You like Miami? No, I don't like Miami. Same. I don't know what the fuck is going on there. It's not my favorite place. But, you know, there was a quote, there was an article about, you know, Wall street types trying to move to Florida. One of them said that the problem with moving to Florida is that you have to live in Florida. I'm going to ask you some of life's big questions, all right? And you're going to distill thousands of years of wisdom, okay? In essentially 15 seconds or less. Here we go. Here we go. Do we have free will? Yes, we have free will. And this is a test from the divine. So do with it as you will. Do we have a purpose? Yes, we have a purpose to increase our wisdom and to serve others. Is there such thing as true love or a soulmate? No. Yes and no. Yes, there is true love, and no, there's not a soulmate. There's many people that we could mate with, but true. Seeking true love. See, I can't do it in a short bite. Why? Why not? I don't know. It's a longer conversation. Come on, Hasan. People are now on to the next thing. We lost them. Yeah, we lost lot. We lost them. Let's get back on track. Here we go. Okay. What makes a civilization flourish quickly? A civilization flourishes from the. The. God damn it. Get to it. Make it a carousel. Yes. Yes. Is there an absolute morality or do we create our own? There's an absolute morality and it's God given. There, I said it. Are we noble being? Suck it. Yes. Fucking suck it. If you don't believe it, suck it. Are we noble beings or are we just animals in our essence? We're both. We're noble beings and animals. That's the rub and that's the challenge. What's the one true faith and why is it Islam? Because there is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet. Thank you so much. Rainn Wilson, ladies and gentlemen. And you know the way we see role models in our textbooks, all of these figures from history and we Think that they never had a normal life, that they never had a fun time. They never had friends. Like, did Martin Luther King Jr. Have, like, a friend's time where he was just gossiping about? Well, I mean, according to what the FBI found of his phone records, he was. My man was in these streets, you know, and shout out to Coretta, and we love her. She is our queen. But Dr. King did have some extracurricular activities that, you know, we. We can also hold that truth and hold that space for him. I also realized I don't know about his activities, but should I follow his footsteps in that case, or no? For the sanctity of your marriage, I suggest you follow and you do you. Okay, But I have no idea. Okay, yeah, but give it a Google and have fun. And let us all understand that people are complicated and carry multitudes. Who's the hardest working kid in a classroom? Generally? Probably the Chinese or Indian kid. If you're saying that because they're getting A's, you're wrong. The hardest working kid is the kid who's failing. Do you know how hard it is to sit in a classroom and not do well? I mean, Mel, respectfully, I've gotten some D's and F's and I let it happen. Well, letting it happen is one thing, but sitting and knowing that you're not doing what you could be doing to your potential and that everybody around looks at you like a loser, even though you got the hoodie up and you're mentally, there is something happening upstairs, you are trying to engage with the material and you actually say to yourself all day long that you're stupid and that you don't care. And the truth is, you do care. And if you knew how to do well, you would be doing well. The hardest working friend that you have on their health is the person who's overweight and not taking care of their health. Do you know how hard it is to drag more weight around and to know that you're slowly giving up on yourself? And so start with the presumption that people want to thrive and they either don't know how, or they're so discouraged and beaten down and overwhelmed by life that they don't think even the little things are gonna make a difference. When I was a kid, my cousins will tell you this. Yeah, okay. My cousins and other friends that I went to school with, I was a smaller kid and I would sometimes get bull. Yeah. And I would bite. So my cousins have told me this. My sisters told me this. When you were bite, you Said I would bite other kids. Okay. Yes. Yeah. I would feel threatened, and I would bite them, usually on the forearm or upper arm where it's kind of fleshy and doughy. I would say, oh, there's some babka. And then bam. And I hit him. Top two teeth, bottom teeth. And I was a biter. I'm 39 years old. I almost never bite people now. Am I relieved to hear that? Yeah. I haven't bitten my sister in two years. Oh, that's great. At least. Congratulations. What I'm trying to say is I made a choice to not bite. At some point, I had to say, I'm not biting. At a point when you had the maturity to make the choice. Yes. Let's talk about that then. What is the age of. Come on, man. This isn't serious. You're being unserious. You have to grow up. Well, I totally own what you're saying. You're like Hasan. You're being emotionally. And by the way, let's just go back to your biting. Yeah. If you're a small kid being bullied. Yeah. Can you see how biting might be a totally natural response? Oh, I. I totally got why I did it. Yeah. It was. It's a natural, preventive, defensive response. And it's an explanation. It's also an expression of your own frustration. Yes. A more interesting question is, when you're bullied, who did you talk to about it? Nobody. Sorry. Nobody. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's where your trauma was. If your kids were bullied, who would you want them to talk to? Hopefully me. If your kids were bullied. Yes. And they suffered humiliation, shame, pain, fear. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And they did not talk to you about it. How would you explain why my kids are not talking to me? Oh, I couldn't explain. I'd be very hurt. I'd be sad that they didn't tell me. Yes. But I'm not asking you how you'd feel. I'm asking you how would you explain why they're not talking to you? Probably because on some level, I have not created a channel for them to talk to me or. They're processing. They don't have. They don't feel safe with you. Yeah, they don't feel. So. Yeah. They don't trust you. Yeah. What's it like for a kid not to feel safe and trust with the parents? What's it like for kids? Well, it must be terrifying. Yeah, it's terrifying. That was your childhood. You know, my parents listen to this podcast. They're not going to Be happy with this. You talk about your time in a refugee camp in Kenya, and you say that you would literally have to cross barbed wire to watch television. And you have scars to prove it. Yeah. I just want to ask, what were the shows that you were willing to bleed for? Like, do you literally have scars where you're like, Family Matters? It's. It's on my leg trying to jump over the bar. Really? Area. What show was it for? It was Home Improvement. No, it was the Bollywood movie Dill. That's a great movie. Yeah. And that is so Bollywood of you to, like, be bleeding for it. Yeah. Very intense. Very intense. You want me to be happy with a measly 12 on average return when? I need to come up now. I need to come up now. Look at these returns. If I. If I was dumb and I invested in VTSAX, I get 12%. But look, if 10 years ago, I go all in on the real stuff that makes the world turn. I just. All I do is I hold Fang plus, Nvidia, Meta, Amazon, Apple, Netflix, Google, and Nvidia, I would have gone up 713%, 873%, 633%, 1,268%. JL Had I put my $3,000 into Nvidia, I would have gone up 26,209% in 10 years. So fuck your 12%, JL. That's amazing. And if you had wings, you could fly. So what crystal ball did you have 10 years ago that told you that? I don't. I just. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't have one. Oh, oh, oh. Well, yeah, obviously. So you're a brown man that goes on many shows. Yep. And you were asked, do you condemn? Blank. That's generally what they start with. Yeah. And then they ask you what your name is. Yes. Okay, So I want to play a new game with you. Okay. On Hasan. Minhaj doesn't know. It's called condone or condemn. Sorry. It's condemn or condone. Sorry. Condemn or condone. Olaf and Frozen. Condemn or condone. Condemn. Polyamory. I don't know who that is. Oh, polyamory. Oh. I thought it was a person. Polyamory, like, marrying more than one person. Polygamy. I don't. There's a difference between polyamory and polygamy. Polyamory is sleeping with various people at the same time. Oh, condemn. I'm a brown Muslim. I'm gonna condemn that. Meghan and Harry condemn. But I condemn the royal family more just. I don't like Any of them. It's not like I'm pro royal family. I like all of them. You don't like all of them. You don't even watch the crown. Condemn or condemn? No, I don't watch the crown. You condemn. I condemn the crown. You gotta. I condemn the crown. I condemn the crown. I'm gonna lose my British passport over this. First you got Sadiq Khandemi Hamilton. I haven't seen it. So I don't know how to condemn. Condemn or condone. Condemn, then. Cause I haven't seen it. Yeah. Boko Haram. Hamilton to Boko Haram. Condemn or condemn? I condemn. I condemn. Damn it. I condemn good people. Who spelled your name M E, D, H, R. Oh, someone did that just today. Condemn. Condemn it. Condemn. M E, H, D, I. Good. And It's Hassan with 1s. For both of us. 1s for both of us. For both of us. But there's other. There's other lessons with double S. Dale won't condemn to do a double S. And we condone that. White people who discover cardamom and then repeatedly put it on everything. Condemn or condone? Condemn. 100% condemn this game. Condemn or condone. Oh, condemn. It's a racist game. This game's racist because it's racist. This interview. Condemn or condone. Condone. If I were Trump, not that he's going to listen to this podcast or take my advice, I would release the files. I would just get it all out there. I was like, what could be so embarrassing there that you haven't survived for 10 years that is going to make nothing. There's nothing that's embarrassing. There's six photos of him partying with Jeffrey Epstein. There's more photos of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein than there are photos of me with Ronny Chieng. Now, I'm not saying either me or Ronnie Chang are pedophiles. We are not pedophiles. But what I'm saying is, and by the way, we're about to go on tour together. Go to hustonhates, ronnie.com or ronniehateshussin.com brought to you by Live Nation and Ticketmaster. That's pretty good. I got to learn that as a politician. How to put that in. How to put in my own plug for my own platform. I think when it comes to President Trump and Michael Jackson, they're very similar in that way. If you were a fan in the 80s, you're a fan now. There is no new piece of information that will make you change your opinion. You will be playing Thriller. And Everybody that's a DJT fan and a Michael Jackson fan from the 80s, they're able to go, look, would I let this person babysit my kids? No. But, man, oh, man, off the Wall is a great album. That's the way all of this stuff feels like it's playing out to me, with the difference being Donald Trump's not going to be on the ballot again for president. So that's where I think it does cause people to think, okay, who's the next gen? He also doesn't have the number of albums that Michael Jackson has. Not even close. Not even close. The rhythm. Yeah. Or the rhythm. Or the dance skills. Yeah. He was in Home Alone 2. That was kind of a clever cameo. But beyond that, no, the catalog isn't as deep. Can I tell you a story? Arab member of you? Oh, God. Okay. You had just come from meeting Bill Cosby before. Before any of that stuff came out. Yeah. And he was not nice to you and it had really hurt your feelings talking about it. Yeah. He was being that he had been rude to you and mean to you. Yeah. He said comedy is about likability, and I can tell immediately you're not likable. If you haven't subscribed to Lemonada Premium, now's the perfect time, because guess what? You can listen completely ad free. Plus you'll unlock exclusive bonus content, like Halle Berry on how to be a good partner during menopause or Mehdi Hassan on the dumbing down of media clips you won't hear anywhere else. Just tap that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts or head to lemonadapremium.com to subscribe on any other app. That's lemonadapremium.com. don't miss out.