Michelle Buteau Can’t Believe She Put on Lashes for This

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know – "Michelle Buteau Can’t Believe She Put on Lashes for This"

Episode Overview

In this engaging episode of Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know, Hasan Minhaj sits down with renowned comedian and author Michelle Buteau. The conversation delves deep into Michelle’s latest work, her perspectives on friendship, relationships, and the nuances of comedy. Hosted with genuine curiosity and a blend of humor, the episode offers listeners a rich tapestry of insights and personal anecdotes.

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1. Celebrating Friendship and Personal Bonds

Exploring Friendship Archetypes

The episode kicks off with Hasan expressing his long-standing camaraderie with Michelle, highlighting their 15-year friendship within the comedy circuit. Hasan remarks, “She is just an all-around silly goose...” (03:27), emphasizing Michelle’s unique blend of humor and maturity.

Friendship Categories from "Survival of the Thickest"

Michelle introduces her audience to the various categories of friends as outlined in her book, Survival of the Thickest. Together, they discuss types like the "work wife," the "bad influence," the "travel buddy," and the "sponge." Hasan teasingly asks, “Is that me?” (04:38), to which Michelle responds, “No,” clarifying their bond as more akin to “work wife” (04:53).

Deepening Bonds Through Shared Experiences

The duo reflects on the unique bonds formed through shared experiences, particularly in the performing arts. Michelle shares, “once you perform with somebody... you are forever bonded” (05:01), illustrating how challenging moments like bombing a performance can solidify friendships.

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2. The Intersection of Comedy and Personal Growth

Michelle’s Transition to Stand-Up Comedy

Michelle discusses her journey into stand-up comedy, contrasting her naturally happy disposition with the often melancholic nature of the art form. “I like money. I like having a good time... and everybody seems so sad. So, like, I really had to,” she explains (06:02). This sentiment underscores her desire to infuse positivity into her performances.

Balancing Humor with Authenticity

Hasan praises Michelle’s authenticity, noting, “You are not a negative Nancy on stage” (10:46). They explore how Michelle’s ability to remain positive and thoughtful sets her apart in the comedy landscape, fostering a unique connection with her audience.

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3. Insights from "Survival of the Thickest"

Petty vs. Bitter

A significant portion of the conversation focuses on the themes of pettiness and bitterness in personal relationships. Hasan quips, “You're the queen of petty” (13:32), to which Michelle elaborates, “But you can't live in it. It's hot and fast...” (13:45). This discussion highlights the importance of addressing conflicts constructively rather than succumbing to long-term resentment.

Navigating Past Relationships

Michelle recounts a pivotal chapter from her book where she confronts her high school ex-boyfriend who reached out after two decades. She shares, “I made sure the red button was on and never replied” (16:29), showcasing her approach to handling unresolved emotions with firmness and clarity.

Divine Intuition and Personal Empowerment

Michelle emphasizes the role of intuition in her life, especially in discerning the authenticity of relationships. “That's why I believe in, like, divine intuition. You really have to listen to yourself,” she states (15:28). This belief underscores her commitment to self-awareness and personal growth.

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4. Cultural Identity and Language

Balancing Multiple Cultural Influences

The conversation shifts to Michelle’s multicultural background, discussing the challenges and humor in navigating different cultural identities. Michelle jokes, “Your uncle had this and that...” (09:09), highlighting the complexity of maintaining cultural ties while assimilating into different environments.

Language as a Cultural Bridge

They delve into the significance of language in cultural identity, with Michelle sharing her experiences learning Dutch and the limitations she faces compared to her fluency in Spanish and French. “I can order food and a taxi and get by,” she explains (08:20), underscoring the practical aspects of language acquisition versus deeper cultural immersion.

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5. Handling Modern-Day Challenges

Addressing Social Issues with Humor

Michelle and Hasan tackle contemporary issues such as petty behaviors in relationships and societal expectations. Michelle humorously critiques the absurdity of certain actions, saying, “You can't live in it. It's hot and fast,” (13:45) and shares a hilarious anecdote about her boyfriend's unconventional bathroom habits (27:43).

Reddit’s "Am I Overreacting?" Segment

In an interactive segment, Hasan introduces a Reddit thread from the "Am I Overreacting?" subreddit, discussing a controversial Black Friday incident where theft is normalized due to chaotic store environments. Michelle responds with sharp wit, stating, “But getting back to the way you do one thing is the way you do everything,” (27:28) reinforcing the episode's recurring theme of accountability and personal responsibility.

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6. Life Lessons and Personal Mantras

Accountability and Ownership

Concluding the episode, Michelle shares her mantra: “If they don't want to hear from me, they're gonna hear about me,” (18:17), reflecting her proactive approach to life and relationships. She emphasizes the importance of accountability and ownership, encouraging listeners to take responsibility for their actions.

Hasan’s Reflection on Family Wisdom

Hasan recounts a poignant lesson from his father about the power of apology and de-escalation in family disputes. “If I did something on purpose or not on purpose to hurt your feelings, I just want to say I'm sorry,” he narrates (22:18), highlighting the profound impact of genuine remorse and communication.

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Notable Quotes

• Hasan Minhaj (03:27): “She is just an all-around silly goose and no matter what stage she is on, Michelle is always being ridiculous in the best way.”

• Michelle Buteau (04:53): “You're one of my most self-assured, confident friends.”

• Michelle Buteau (06:02): “I like money. I like having a good time... and I have friends and everybody seems so sad. So, like, I really had to.”

• Michelle Buteau (13:45): “You can't live in [pettiness]. It's hot and fast. It's a hot and fast cook.”

• Michelle Buteau (18:17): “If they don't want to hear from me, they're gonna hear about me.”

• Hasan Minhaj (22:18): “Some dispute was happening between siblings and aunts. And my dad just pulled up and was like, hey, I just want to just start off by saying if I did something on purpose or not on purpose to hurt your feelings, I just want to say I'm sorry.”

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Conclusion

This episode of Hasan Minhaj Doesn't Know offers a heartfelt and humorous exploration of Michelle Buteau's life, work, and philosophies. Through candid conversations and shared experiences, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the complexities of friendships, the importance of personal growth, and the power of humor in navigating life's challenges. Michelle's insights, bolstered by Hasan's thoughtful inquiries, make for a compelling and relatable dialogue that resonates with a wide audience.

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Timestamp Key:

• 03:27: Friendship Introduction
• 04:38: Friendship Categories
• 05:01: Bonding Through Performance
• 06:02: Stand-Up Comedy Insights
• 10:46: Positivity in Comedy
• 13:32: Petty vs. Bitter
• 16:29: High School Ex-Boyfriend Story
• 18:17: Personal Mantra
• 22:18: Family Wisdom on Apologies

Transcript

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh sheet. Honey chill. It's just laundry.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Not that I'm talking about these Arm.

[Michelle Buteau]

And Hammer Power sheets.

[Hasan Minhaj]

All the power of Arm Hammer laundry detergent in a convenient tossable sheet.

[Unknown]

Oh sheet.

[Hasan Minhaj]

That's what I'm saying.

[Michelle Buteau]

And Arm and Hammer Power sheets deliver.

[Unknown]

An effective clean at a great price.

[Michelle Buteau]

Think of all the laundry we'll do.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And all the money we'll save.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh sheet, arm and hammer. More power to you.

[Unknown]

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[Michelle Buteau]

Oh my God, we never did.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I talked since Babes.

[Michelle Buteau]

Okay, okay, so we were both in.

[Hasan Minhaj]

The movie called Babes.

[Michelle Buteau]

Wait a minute, you were in the other movie?

[Hasan Minhaj]

I've known Michelle buteau for over 15 years. She's one of my closest friends in comedy. She is just an all around silly goose and no matter what stage she is on, Michelle is always being ridiculous in the best way. Yes, she's an amazing actor which I got to see up close when I played her husband in the film Babes. And yes, she is an amazing stand up comedian which you can see up close in her latest Netflix special, A Beautiful mom at Radio City Music Hall. The biggest reason I love and respect Michelle so much is that unlike all the other comics I know, she's an actual grown up adult. She is a level headed, well adjusted human being that gives me great advice. And look, she's gone through a lot of shit in her life to earn that wisdom, which she talks about in her hilarious new book Survival of the Thickest, which is now a series on Netflix, dropping its second season later this month. So I sat down with my longtime homie Michelle to talk about the book, the difference between being Bitter and being Petty, and to take her down a subreddit rabbit hole that went to a very very dark place Someone's butthole. This episode is brought to you by Vanta. Simplify compliance and get $1,000 [e-mail] Husson that's V A N-T-A.com Hasan for $1,000 off, babes. Okay, look, it's one of the most watched movies on Delta flights, I'll tell you that right now.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God, you're right.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I caught dozens of people.

[Michelle Buteau]

Dozens.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You haven't caught people watching it through.

[Michelle Buteau]

The thing all the time? And I always have it up, and I let everybody know I'm in this movie.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Do people come up to you and go, like, I saw you on the Sometimes, Yes. Oh, that's cool.

[Michelle Buteau]

And I love it.

[Hasan Minhaj]

It was a fun movie.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. Unless they overstay their welcome. I'm like, go back to your seat. But I love it.

[Hasan Minhaj]

It was a great place. It was really fun.

[Michelle Buteau]

And you know what? We look so queens.

[Hasan Minhaj]

We look very queens.

[Michelle Buteau]

It was awesome.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I had, like, more than eight lines. It was a milestone in my career, like, having more than eight lines. Wait, are you for real?

[Michelle Buteau]

Okay. I was like, are you?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah, we usually. Usually, like, in Hollywood. I'm like the. Like the. Oh, you forgot this.

[Michelle Buteau]

What?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah, I'm moving exposition.

[Michelle Buteau]

You're so much more than that. Cause when I see you on screen, like, you. You have so much to say.

[Hasan Minhaj]

This is why she's one of my best friends.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God. Remember when I used to call you the Indian John Mayer?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yes.

[Michelle Buteau]

What was I doing?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah. One time I bombed. Really? One time I bombed really bad. I bombed really, really bad. And you go, you're too cute to be this unconfident. And I was like, well, how are you big upping me and roasting me at the same time? Well, this is one of the best things you've ever created. Seravio Thickest, your book.

[Michelle Buteau]

Thank you.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Your Netflix series is based on it.

[Michelle Buteau]

Thank you.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Reading this book, it felt like you were leaving me just a long voice memo. It was fucking hilarious.

[Michelle Buteau]

Thank you so much.

[Hasan Minhaj]

In the book, you have a chapter where you outline several different categories of friends.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

So shady.

[Hasan Minhaj]

All right. You have the work wife, the bad influence, the travel buddy, the sponge. There was one that you called perfect on paper, but mind numbingly boring friend.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Is that me?

[Michelle Buteau]

No. No.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Am I your boring friend? No. You had one called that Crazy Bish. Is that me?

[Michelle Buteau]

No.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay, what friend am I for real?

[Michelle Buteau]

You're like. It'd be more in the work wife category, but, like, we definitely have taken family vacations. Together, Meaning like road trips?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yes.

[Michelle Buteau]

You know what I mean? Once you perform with somebody, once, black, brown or queer people perform in the south together, you are forever bonded.

[Hasan Minhaj]

That is true. That is true. That is true. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Michelle Buteau]

Like, once you bomb in another state, you are forever bonded. And so I want to say work wife.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay. Work wife. Out of all my friends, the majority of people are like hot messes. It's wild out here.

[Michelle Buteau]

It is. And therapy's not that expensive. So I'm like, what are we doing?

[Hasan Minhaj]

I mean, I have an opinion about that. But you are one of the few people that I know since we've met, which has been like, I met you maybe like 15 or 16 years ago. You're one of my most self assured, confident friends.

[Michelle Buteau]

I love that.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I love that.

[Michelle Buteau]

For me, that's the thing about comedy. I'm always like, why are people so sad? So when people tell me I should do standup, I'm like, but I'm happy. And I like money and I like having a good time and I have friends and everybody seems so sad. So, like, like, I really had to.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh, people told you you used to stand up. Cause you're funny.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You're naturally very funny.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. But I'm like, I'm also happy. Is that okay?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Were you not into stand up? Were you just like, the whole art form is like, stupid.

[Michelle Buteau]

Not stupid, but sad.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh, the people are sad. Or the actual, like, underlying.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Like, the material was sad. The people were like, I can't make any money. I'm like, ugh. I don't know if stand up is for me. Cause I like money.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You always like money.

[Michelle Buteau]

I just like security. I like trips. I like taking care of my bills. You know, I don't like.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Did you grow up watching your parents fight over money?

[Michelle Buteau]

No. So my parents came from very big Caribbean families. And they're like, we're gonna have one or two and they're gonna know who their parents are.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah. Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

And we're gonna be able to afford everything. And so my parents, they are the family that sort of support everybody.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh, they're the family that made it. So there's like, we support this auntie and then this uncle, and then we like da, da, da.

[Michelle Buteau]

And they're illegitimate children and stuff like that.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Do you have mad cousins at Stateside? So many like that, you know that you're super close to or no.

[Michelle Buteau]

I mean, yes and no. Sometimes you gotta protect your piece. Especially after this election. But when people like DM Female comedians, it's usually like, you up, you know, you cute. But for me, for real, it's like, I think we're cousins. That's my dm.

[Hasan Minhaj]

The subject line.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Damn.

[Michelle Buteau]

And we usually are.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You've done a run about this.

[Michelle Buteau]

What's that?

[Hasan Minhaj]

You do this whole run. You go, you're Haitian. Jamaican.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But you look like you speak Spanish.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay, so you have. This is from your book. You go, if you're a light skinned black person, that's not Puerto Rican. People lose their goddamn minds. Look at the way you spelled it. God damn.

[Michelle Buteau]

Minds.

[Hasan Minhaj]

If someone speaks Spanish to you and says, sorry, I don't speak Spanish, they look at you like they just met a short guy whose license says he's 6 foot 4. Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

Wow.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay. Well, I would tell people I was Jamaican and Haitian and they looked confused as fuck. Okay. First of all, oh, my God.

[Michelle Buteau]

Wow. I really went off a lot.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You unloaded the clip brought to you by Simon and Schuster.

[Michelle Buteau]

This is shoe.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Shoe, yeah. Why don't you speak Spanish like a quarter of the country? Just. It's so easy. Super easy, you know?

[Michelle Buteau]

So there's different types of speaking Spanish. Okay. You can order food in a taxi.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yes.

[Michelle Buteau]

Or you can like have conversations and just like completely be immersed. You know, my dad lived in Venezuela for a long time. I can definitely order food and a taxi and get by.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

Same with French. Same. I can like basically learn. I can like, I can even learn some Korean. Like, I can learn stuff and.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

Get around. But in terms of like, like living in it. No. It's just so hard for me. It's like a part of your brain that doesn't exist for me. And maybe if, like, I really, really had to. Maybe.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But don't you speak Dutch? A little bit.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, by my standards, by an American standards, like, I speak Dutch. By a Dutch person's standards. It's like, she cute and messing around. But the fact that I know the difference between Dutch and German is. And I know where it is, and that's huge. It is. Everyone thinks it's Dutch Denmark. It's like, y'all calm down.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yes.

[Michelle Buteau]

You know, so. And I wanna. I was talking to my husband about this. Like, I want him to speak Dutch to the kids more because they should know Dutch. You know, My dad was speaking Creole to me. Cause he's from Haiti. But then my mom was like, I really want her to assimilate. Like, this is confusing. And plus, when you're trying to talk to a 4 year old. Like, they barely.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But what'd your grandparents speak to you in?

[Michelle Buteau]

The only living grandparent was from Jamaica, so it was patois.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh, yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

But, like, with, you know, at least being Caribbean, there is food I can teach them to make. There is music, there's dances I could teach.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Gotcha.

[Michelle Buteau]

You know what I mean? There's, like a community, a Caribbean community, everywhere you go. But with Dutch, it's like, what, are you gonna boil a potato? What am I gonna teach you about imperialism?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

Like, you gotta learn some Dutch in order to be Dutch.

[Hasan Minhaj]

When your husband speaks in Dutch, do you see more of him come out?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You're like, oh, that's.

[Michelle Buteau]

That's a different person. Yeah, he's way funnier, of course. Oh, okay.

[Hasan Minhaj]

No, but like. But, like, you would be funnier in your native tongue, right? Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

I don't know. I like to think that I can transcend.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You think you could be as funny if you were doing your act in Dutch or just being funny in Dutch?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah, just funny. Breaking the ice with, like, the limited verbs. I know. I don't know. It's a gift.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay. You always celebrate the human spirit. You are not a negative Nancy on stage. Like, there is a very nihilistic POV to comedy, but this part of the book where you say, they look at you like you just met a short guy whose license says he's 6 foot 4. So why the violence against short kings?

[Michelle Buteau]

What? I celebrate short kings. You don't. Yes, I do.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Why do they? They just straight up caught astray in itself.

[Michelle Buteau]

I mean, like, in my special, and even in my book, Not Beautiful Mind, I talk about celebrating short kings and medium kings. And I say, and it was an improv moment, but I put it in the special because I want motherfuckers to know that, you know, they can't reach everything, but they reach the things they have to. Okay? Okay.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

And in my Game of Hoes chapter, I talk about dating a very short Jewish man who looked like he needed a bow tie and a red balloon. But. But I. He. I felt like a queen, honey. Once he figured out how to climb up that mountain, it was beautiful. Is this.

[Hasan Minhaj]

This is crazy.

[Michelle Buteau]

This is crazy. Is it? I mean, I think it's beautiful, but what I'm saying is the need to lie about it is crazy. Don't lie to me now. Don't lie to me. Cause now I have to live this lie with you.

[Hasan Minhaj]

It's the dishonesty. Yeah, but it's coming from a defensive place. Look, I'm A true six foot. And I'm trying to stand up for the five nines and the five sevens.

[Michelle Buteau]

Are you?

[Hasan Minhaj]

I am. There's straight up cruelty to them. Yeah. I've seen with my friends, how tall is he? Like, they're looking at somebody and I go, oh, yeah, Like, I have a great friend. How tall is he?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah, it's why I don't. I think people put. It's so antiquated. Like, why are we putting stock in the wrong things? Like, yeah, he's 6:1, but, girl, he cheated on you. Yeah. You got a diamond, but he got a second family.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Right.

[Michelle Buteau]

So how about someone thoughtful? Do you know what I mean?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, five'three that's thoughtful.

[Michelle Buteau]

Look, I'm not mad at if five, three, that's thoughtful. Okay, I'm not mad.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But, you know the question that we were talking about, like, before you got the question was how much money would you have to make as a guy if you were 5 foot 3 to compensate for it?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. I don't think it's money. I think it's ambition and thoughtfulness at that point. Because money is always there to be made if you are, you know, if you're smart enough.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Gotcha.

[Michelle Buteau]

So I think once you're 5:3 and making a lot of money, then you get into, like, short king. Like.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But that's like autocrat. That's short autocrat mode. It's not even king. It's dictator.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes. It's giving Game of Thrones. I'm the second son. Vice and I killed my brother. So.

[Hasan Minhaj]

So guys struggle with demons. This is very. Women know this. Men know this. Usually. It's about coming to terms with something that happened to you in the past.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I feel like you are somebody that has processed things very well.

[Michelle Buteau]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You're not angry.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You're not bitter.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But you are petty.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You've transcended it.

[Michelle Buteau]

I love petty. I have actually asked my friends when I'm having a tough time, can you send me some petty memes? Can you just tell me something petty at work? Cause there's something so fun and, like, frivolous.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay, so is petty good? I'm like, for real? For real. Is it good?

[Michelle Buteau]

You can't live in it. It's hot and fast. It's a hot and fast cook.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

Don't live in it. It's just a. Ha, ha. And you gotta keep it moving.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You're the queen of petty. By the way, chapter two of your book is fucking crazy. What did I talk about?

[Michelle Buteau]

I don't remember.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You went straight scorched earth on your ex from high school. Okay, I'm gonna ask you some yes or no questions. Let's just go in chronological order.

[Michelle Buteau]

My God. Oh, my God.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You had a four year relationship in high school, right?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

With your boyfriend Hakeem.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

He then cheated on you with your best friend, Dee Dee.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay.

[Michelle Buteau]

A white girl with a bubble butt.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But you had a dream that your partner was cheating on you. This came to you in a dream. It's true that Hakeem was cheating on you.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And it turned out to be true.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. I think. And this is why. This is why I believe in, like, divine intuition. You really have to listen to yourself. You have to, like, read the room and say, am I crazy or is this going on? And so a lot of people, especially, like, when you're young and you're in love, you know, your partner, the person you're dating, will try to gaslight you and be like, are you cheating? Well, maybe it's you. You know what I mean? And try and switch it on you and it's. And. Or even things in your family, you're like, but I see it right. But y'all ain't saying it right. And so there's a reason why, you know? And I'm not speaking for me. I'm speaking for my cousins. Like, your dad lives over here. But there's still to get. You know what I mean? Like, we're not saying the thing. And so as a kid, you have to be respectful. You're not allowed to question authority. At least when I was growing up, so, like, I would have a dream, it would come to me in a dream, and my body would be like, girl, this is what's going on.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And in the dream, they were bumping and grinding to Krista.

[Michelle Buteau]

In the dream, they were both wearing red, slow dancing to lady in Red.

[Hasan Minhaj]

That's crazy. And it turned out okay. So then this whole thing blows up. All right, all right.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Dee Dee. Hakeem. They're doing their thing.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Then 20 years later, after you're married, you get a message. Happily married.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

You get a message from your high school ex boyfriend.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

On Facebook. And you write in your memoir, published by Simon and Schuster, he said that he had had a hard time since we broke up, and he was ashamed of how we left things because he did, in fact, love me. He said that I was the one that got away. He said that he believes in karma and that his Life hasn't been the same since his wife up and left him and their kids to fend for themselves. And could I find it in my heart to forgive him so he could move on to the next phase of his life? Next sentence. And this is important, Michelle. I made sure the red button was on and never replied.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

The level of petty.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And I just want you to know, I know in that move was crazy. But the story gets crazier. Ladies and gentlemen.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Dee Dee.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Your old friend.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Reaches out after seeing you on Last Comic Standing. So you go on Last Comic Standing.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Dee Dee reaches out on Facebook and says, oh, my God, you look so great. You're so funny. How you been?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And how did you reply?

[Michelle Buteau]

I believe I said something like, still trying to trust people, bitch. But that was real. Well, this is why people should.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, that's not even that, by the way. That's not even the end of the chapter. This is how she ends chapter two. You then end chapter two with the words, fuck both of them. Period. Turn page.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

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[Michelle Buteau]

Is when I sort of came up with this mantra for myself that I didn't fully understand.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

Until I understood if they don't want to hear from me, they're gonna hear about me. And whether that's I'm on TV or whether I'm happily married with children, whatever it is, you are not gonna my path to happiness because you don't know how to not be selfish. I also feel like being in very serious relationships when you're younger is, like, crazy.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yes, it is.

[Michelle Buteau]

But I'm really glad it happened to me when I was young because I see friends in their 30s and 40s getting cheated on for the first time. And you would think that you would have, like, the emotional skill set to deal with that.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Right, Right. Wherewithal Perspective.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. And they just don't know how to cope, and they can't believe that somebody would do this to them. I'm like, people will do this to you, but it's not about them. It's about you. How you gotta get up and fix you and get better and move on. Mm. Mm. I hope they have Netflix.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I had two thoughts when I read this. Ooh, number one. Jess, please. Oh, please tell me if you're ever mad at me.

[Michelle Buteau]

Come on.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Preemptively.

[Michelle Buteau]

Come on.

[Hasan Minhaj]

This is a level of, like, scorched earth, which is like, I'm not ready for this.

[Michelle Buteau]

You would never do this to me.

[Hasan Minhaj]

I would never do this to you.

[Michelle Buteau]

You would never do this to me.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But I just wanted.

[Michelle Buteau]

You wouldn't do this to anybody.

[Hasan Minhaj]

No. Then the other part of me, this is more psychological. So I'm reading this, and I was like, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah, that's right. You fucking deserve that.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But then there was this other part of me that was like, is this healthy for me in general?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, this isn't even a reflection of you.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

This is a reflection of, like, the way I responded to it.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, why was I. Touchdown. Dancing over. Like, this Guy's in his 40s. We don't have a lot of ways. My life has fallen apart. He's resorted to face. And why am I getting off on this?

[Michelle Buteau]

Because the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. So if that's how you start out life, then, yeah, you're gonna get what you deserve, you know? Like, I don't know what was going on between him and his wife, but I know that he probably wasn't honest about it.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Mm.

[Michelle Buteau]

And so. And it's also, like, not to, like, oh, my God, it's such a copy and paste Instagram motivational quote moment. But, like, you are the company you keep, you know?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Damn.

[Michelle Buteau]

So he's doing bad things.

[Hasan Minhaj]

So you felt, like. Not, like, not to, like, get into the therapy behind this, but you felt like he made a mistake. He made a bad decision when he was 18. Clearly. In that now that he's 44.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, he's probably the same person. That's not true. You think? Like, for real, him aside, I don't even. I don't even have the answer to this.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. I don't have the answer either, because I don't know, like, who he is now. Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Because I know when I was analyzing myself and the glee I was getting from It.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But then I was like, wait, it's so funny. You were dumb.

[Michelle Buteau]

I know.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, I was dumb when I was 18. I was, like, dumb in my 20s.

[Michelle Buteau]

Rami said the same thing. Like, I told Rami this story at your house, I think, and he was like, you have to reply to him. Go find him.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yo. Rami said that?

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. He was like, you're too good for this.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh.

[Michelle Buteau]

He wanted to, like, close it with sunshine and rainbows. I'm like, no, no, I'm good. Kind of like it. You know what it's like. You know what it's like, too? Like, all those executives.

[Hasan Minhaj]

See, there's a part of me that's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Keep that. Like, keep that. Wear that.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah, yeah. Kind of. I need that.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But I'm also simultaneously, like, that's insane.

[Michelle Buteau]

That's. Cause we're raising kids and we're supposed to tell them that. But, like, honestly, once you get out there in life and you start really, like, lifing, it's like, what we do. How many nos did we hear? But we're still telling ourselves, yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

What's a piece of advice that, like, your mom or your dad gave you that you not necessarily listen to, but.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Definitely remember the one that I saw my dad do that I was, like, super proud of him. There's two moments that I was super proud to be his son. Basically, in Indian families, it is like a Bollywood saga where, like, extended families, there's a lot of drama, and there's just a lot of. A lot of people feeling a lot of emotions about things that happened in 1978.

[Michelle Buteau]

Gotcha.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, people are in their feelings about, you did this to me. And I was like, gerald Ford was president when this thing happened. Or, like, there'll be, like, some debate over, like, a farmhouse in the junk. You know what I mean? And you're like, your uncle had this and that. And it's like, everybody's aggrieved and hurt. And one of the things I saw my dad do is, like, people are really. It's not even about the farmhouse or the you didn't come to my wedding or the party thing. They just want an apology. So one of the things my dad did and I was with him as a kid, is some dispute was happening between siblings and aunts. And my dad just pulled up and was like, hey, I just want to just start off by saying if I did something on purpose or not on purpose to hurt your feelings, I just want to say I'm sorry. So I just want to start there. So I'm sorry.

[Michelle Buteau]

Please slay.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And, you know, I just want you to know that. And if you want to talk to me, you can talk to me. But I'm. But I just wanted to start with an apology.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

He wasn't even the person who did the wrong thing.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But he was like, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. And I just was like, whoa. That was very powerful. Because generally Indian guys and Indian men and dads do not apologize.

[Michelle Buteau]

Right.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Like, they do not waver. It's very like, Trump. Like. Like, don't apologize. Do not go back and have any regrets.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And never waver.

[Michelle Buteau]

That's great.

[Hasan Minhaj]

From your narrative.

[Michelle Buteau]

That is wonderful.

[Hasan Minhaj]

So I was like, that was fire.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

And I just tried to realize that. I was like, this could probably de escalate if you just go, hey, I'm gonna put. Yeah, I'm gonna white flag this. I'm gonna be like, hey, preemptively.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah. Accountability is so sexy. I wish more people would talk about it. Like, ownership.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

You know, because we're always a work in progress. Like, we never get it right. It's just. Just admit where you are and not to. Oh, God. With the quotes today. See what happens when I put on a blazer that I don't button? People will only meet you as deeply as they met themselves. And so, you know, just.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Damn you. You just drop Etsy quotes left and right.

[Michelle Buteau]

I'm telling you, like, because people don't get it unless it's, like, in three sentences or less sometimes. Do you know what I mean? And they'll remember it.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah.

[Michelle Buteau]

And then they'll do it. And that's, like, the most important thing, because it's when people complain about everybody else, I'm like, but it's you. But what are you doing? Don't let them have control over you.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Mm. Got it. Have you heard of the subreddit called Am I Overreacting?

[Michelle Buteau]

No.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay, so on Reddit, there's a very popular subreddit called Am I Overreacting? Where someone will be deeply distraught by something that's happened in their life, and they'll straight up just go on Reddit and be like, all right, guys, this is what's happening right now. This is the evidence that I have. Am I overreacting? Scott, our producer, is gonna fly in some of the stuff that really is on Reddit. Am I overreacting? You'll read one, I'll read one. But we will dissect if the person's overreacting.

[Michelle Buteau]

Okay? Okay.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Am I overreacting? My sister's husband basically stole a TV during Black Friday and everyone is acting like it's fine. This just happened during Black Friday and I'm still processing it. My sister and her husband Mike went to Walmart for their Black Friday sale. According to them, it was absolute chaos. Hundreds of people everywhere, barely any workers, total mess. Mike managed to grab one of the doorbuster deals, a huge 65 inch TV that was marked down from 899 to to $3.99. Apparently, the checkout line was so insane that people just started walking out, like, literally just pushing their cards through without paying because there weren't enough workers that registered and security couldn't handle it. And my sister and Mike joined them. They walked out with a $400 TV because everyone else was doing it. Pulled my sister aside, told her this is basically stealing, and sets a terrible example for the kids. She got defensive, saying, I'm being dramatic and that big stores expect this kind of loss during sales and that it's not really stealing because the store couldn't handle their own sale properly. Am I seriously overreacting here? Everyone is acting like this is just a normal Black Friday behavior, and I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my goodness, that is crazy.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Your thoughts?

[Michelle Buteau]

Well, first of all, I'm glad her sister has, like, a bum partner. So they're like, together in on it. Cause that'd be like, even worse. Do you know what I mean?

[Hasan Minhaj]

For sure.

[Michelle Buteau]

But yeah, I don't think it's right to steal stuff.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Hard disagree.

[Michelle Buteau]

Really?

[Hasan Minhaj]

I worked in retail. Yeah. I worked at Office Max during Black Friday. People would walk out. Yeah. With stuff.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God, they're not paying me enough. Should they?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Look, I worked at Office Max. My first name ain't Office.

[Michelle Buteau]

Stop bragging.

[Hasan Minhaj]

My last name ain't Max. It's not my family. Stop. It's not my family. Your first name isn't best. Your last name isn't Bi. They'll be fine. Like, they'll be fine. This is. It's a victimless crime.

[Michelle Buteau]

I know they'll be fine. But getting back to the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. It's just like, are they gonna. These are the type. Her sister and the husband feel like they're gonna go in my bathroom, look through my medicine cabinet, and pull something that they want. Like, it's gross. They're gonna eat stuff that's off the menu when they come to dinner. So it's like, sure. Big corporation's okay, but the trickle down is. Ew, you're touching my stuff. Cause they're probably gross and selfish.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Yeah, my thing is, it's wrong. If you wanna be my, like, second grade teacher about it, yes, it is wrong. It's a red choice.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yes.

[Hasan Minhaj]

But I get it.

[Michelle Buteau]

Caught my boyfriend taking a number two in his hand. This is not real.

[Hasan Minhaj]

This is real.

[Michelle Buteau]

My boyfriend of two years was in the bathroom at his apartment when I opened the door to grab my allergy meds. I didn't think to knock and figured he'd lock the door if needed. But when I opened it, he was squatting on the floor holding a wad of toilet paper directly under his ass. I screamed and ran out. I can't believe I put on lashes for this.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay, keep going. Five minutes later.

[Michelle Buteau]

Five minutes, I got it. Five minutes later, there was no denying what I saw. So he came clean. Well, he got clean and says he does it to make less sound.

[Hasan Minhaj]

As opposed to crapping directly into the bull because he's shy and would be embarrassed if I heard him doing it. I'm freaked out. Am I overreacting?

[Michelle Buteau]

I can't believe I'm here. No, no, no. Not like here physically. Like here emotionally.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Okay. So, yeah, I've wanted to say I'm sorry if this was inappropriate. I.

[Michelle Buteau]

What?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Michelle? Now, I found this super hilarious. You do comedy that's uplifting to all people.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God.

[Hasan Minhaj]

He maybe has social anxiety and feels like if he drops the kids off at the pool and it makes too loud of a noise, his partner may feel a certain way about his GI issues. So instead, he raw craps in his hands, then delivers it gently into the pool.

[Michelle Buteau]

That's you're crazy.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Then goes to the sink.

[Michelle Buteau]

You're never gonna wash your hands enough. That's the hand that you touch my face with. Number one. Number two, there's too many steps. He's a little coo coo couchoo. He's been touched by an angel. Because that's insane. Everyone knows you lay a little toilet paper on the water and you turn on a little music. Oh, babe, I love Nina Simone. Turn it up.

[Hasan Minhaj]

That's right.

[Michelle Buteau]

You know what I mean?

[Hasan Minhaj]

That's actually a very valid point.

[Michelle Buteau]

Lock the door. You're not gonna lock the door. You gotta take all those other steps. But locking the door ain't one. I would never be able to put my face in his crotch to do what we gotta do on a Saturday night, knowing that he's pooping like, I don't know, a kangaroo. I'M trying to think of someone that poops standing up.

[Hasan Minhaj]

So this is a deal breaker. Break it up.

[Michelle Buteau]

What? That might be a deal breaker for us that you made me read it.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Closing thoughts, because you got to get out of here.

[Michelle Buteau]

Oh, my God.

[Hasan Minhaj]

What is your mantra for America or for you going into 2025? Mine is. Whoa, that's crazy. I just have that queued up on text. Like I can just copy paste. Yeah, because people will send me an.

[Michelle Buteau]

Article and what's your news emoji?

[Hasan Minhaj]

Whoa, that's crazy. And then it's sideways. Crying. The sideways like. Yeah, crying.

[Michelle Buteau]

Mine is like melting happy face.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[Michelle Buteau]

Yeah.

[Hasan Minhaj]

So then what text do you put before that?

[Michelle Buteau]

Mine has been doing the the best I can with what I've been given. That's all I could do, you know, day by day. Truly.

[Hasan Minhaj]

Michelle, this was so dope.

[Michelle Buteau]

This was really great.

[Hasan Minhaj]

All right, so you're a startup founder. Finding product market fit is probably your number one priority. But to land bigger customers, you also need security compliance in obtaining your SoC2 or ISO 27001 certification. That can open those big doors, but they take time and energy pulling you away from building and shipping. And that is where Vanta comes in. Vanta is the all in one compliance solution, helping startups like yours get audit ready and build a strong security foundation quickly and painlessly. How, you ask? Well, Vanta automates the manual security tasks that slow you down, helping you streamline your audit. And the platform connects you with trusted experts to build your program, auditors to get you through audits quickly, and a marketplace for essentials like pen testing. So whether you're closing your first deal or gearing up for growth, Vanta makes compliance so Easy. Join over 9,000 companies, including many Y Combinator and TechStar startups who trust Vanta. Simplify compliance and get $1,000 off right now at vanta.comhusn that's v a n t a dot com husan for $1,000 off.