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Episode Description

The way you show up in relationships today was decided before you even knew how to speak.

Eli Harwood is a licensed therapist, the creator of Attachment Nerd, and the author of How to Deal with Your (Anxiety, Anger, Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Trauma) So Your Kids Don't Have To. She spent nearly 20 years sitting with families watching parents who desperately wanted better for their children but had no roadmap for how to actually get there. This conversation goes deep into why 50% of us never experienced secure attachment, what that did to our sense of self, and what it actually takes to break the cycle before it passes to the next generation.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why chaos can feel more like home than safety, and why the people who confuse you are often more magnetic than the people who make you feel secure

• What happens developmentally when a child grows up in an unpredictable home and how that wound silently shapes every relationship, every breakup, and every parenting moment that follows

• The difference between intellectually knowing this work and actually doing it, and why your kids will find every unhealed part of you no matter what

This one is for every parent, every soon to be parent, and every adult who is still trying to figure out why love feels so complicated.

Find Eli:

• Website: https://www.attachmentnerd.com

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/attachmentnerd

• TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@attachmentnerd

• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@attachmentnerd

• Book: How to Deal with Your (Anxiety, Anger, Self-Doubt, Insecurity, Trauma) So Your Kids Don't Have To — https://www.amazon.com/Deal-Your-____-Kids-Dont/dp/1632175967

Timestamps:

0:00 - Intro

1:41 - Meet Eli Harwood: Licensed Therapist & Creator of Attachment Nerd

2:34 - Rapid Fire: Familiar vs. Safe, Anxiety vs. Love & Why "Boring" Partners Feel Wrong

8:18 - What Brought Her to This Work (Her Own Insecure Childhood)

10:33 - What Happens to a Child's Sense of Self When Parents Are Unavailable or Chaotic

12:22 - The Upside-Down Parent-Child Relationship: When Kids Take Care of Their Parents

16:27 - Children Know by Age One Whether Their Caregivers Are Reliable

19:32 - The Still-Face Experiment: What Happens When a Parent Goes Emotionally Blank

22:44 - How Kids Cope: Performing, People-Pleasing, Drinking, Managing

25:00 - You Notice Others' Tension Before Your Own (And Why)

27:41 - What Secure Attachment Actually Looks Like in a Family

30:12 - Breaking Generational Patterns: Why Knowledge Alone Isn't Enough

33:43 - How to Apologize to Your Kids the Right Way

38:08 - Fighting in Front of Your Kids: What the Research Actually Says

43:12 - The Moment He Turned the Lens Inward (And Why Relationships Are the Boot Camp)

47:05 - Your Kids Are Heat-Seeking Hovercrafts for Whatever Is Unhealed in You

51:33 - Why This Research Is Now Accessible (And Why It Wasn't Before)

55:22 - What We Bring Into Relationships When We Don't Have a Healthy Sense of Self

59:42 - The Book: A Guidebook for Parents Who Didn't Have Secure Modeling

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