Healing + Human Potential Podcast: Episode 81 Summary

Title: Anxious or Avoidant? Heal Your Attachment Style + Find Secure Love
Host: Alyssa Nobriga
Guest: Shay [Last Name] from Rising Woman
Release Date: March 25, 2025

1. Introduction to Relationships and Attachment Styles

Alyssa Nobriga opens the episode by delving into the intricate dynamics of relationships, specifically focusing on how past wounds and attachment styles—anxious and avoidant—shape our experiences in love. She introduces the concept of nervous system regulation as a pivotal tool for self-regulation and fostering deeper connections.

"We're going to be specifically talking about how our past wounds influence love, as well as what is the role with nervous system regulation work..." (01:10)

2. Imago Psychotherapy and Relationship Patterns

Shay shares her insights on Imago Psychotherapy, a concept Alyssa studied during her training as a marriage and family therapist. Imago, meaning "image" in Latin, theorizes that individuals attract partners who reflect their early parental or caregiver relationships to facilitate healing.

"We tend to unconsciously call in a partner who's going to mirror some of the most challenging aspects of our caretakers..." (02:21)

Shay recounts her personal experience where her ex-husband mirrored her mother's wounds, leading to intense conflicts that were actually manifestations of her unresolved childhood traumas. This realization underscores the importance of recognizing and working through these projections to foster healthier relationships.

3. The Spiritual Purpose of Relationships

Shay emphasizes viewing relationships not merely as sources of comfort but as spiritual journeys aimed at personal growth and soul evolution. She highlights that understanding this perspective allows individuals to engage in relationships as co-creators and allies in each other's healing processes.

"There's a spiritual purpose to relationship and it's not just about feeling good and having all of our needs met..." (04:35)

This mindset shift helps partners take accountability for their own roles in the relationship, facilitating mutual healing and preventing the descent into enmity over unhealed wounds.

4. Navigating Attachment Styles: Practical Strategies

Alyssa and Shay discuss practical approaches for individuals in relationships where both partners are willing to engage in mutual healing. Shay underscores the significance of nervous system work, integrating somatic experiences to manage fight, flight, or freeze responses triggered by emotional wounds.

"If your nervous system is patterned to go into fight or flight or freeze anytime a core wound is activated, then there's nothing else that's going to take precedence..." (09:29)

Key strategies include:

• Self-Soothing Techniques: Breathing into sensations to stabilize emotions.
• Empathy and Compassion: Understanding each partner's triggers and responses.
• Boundary Setting: Ensuring personal needs are met without overextending to the partner's needs.

5. Addressing Common Relationship Blocks

The conversation shifts to identifying and overcoming common blocks that prevent relationships from being conscious and fulfilling. Shay identifies several patterns, including:

• Projection of Parental Images: Unconsciously bringing unresolved parental issues into the relationship.
• Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics: Partners exhibit behaviors that either chase or distance themselves, hindering secure attachment.
• Perfectionism in Relationships: The cultural pressure to maintain a flawless relationship, which inhibits authentic emotional exchanges.

"When we are seeking perfection in ourselves, we aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart, to come back together..." (23:58)

6. Healing and Personal Responsibility

Alyssa and Shay explore the balance between personal responsibility and partnership. Shay advocates for individuals to undertake inner work independently to prevent projecting unresolved issues onto their partners. This approach fosters healthier dynamics where both partners can support each other's healing without over-relying on one another.

"You can heal outside of relationship... You don't have to be perfectly healed to find love." (14:12)

She shares her personal journey of healing from childhood trauma and emphasizes that continuous self-awareness and boundary maintenance are essential for sustaining secure attachments.

7. Misconceptions About Heartbreak and Breakups

Shay addresses common misconceptions about heartbreak, arguing that breakups are not merely obstacles to overcome but significant milestones that catalyze deeper self-awareness and spiritual growth.

"A breakup is actually a really important milestone in your life, and it's an initiation to deeper spiritual awareness." (48:40)

She advises embracing grief as a pathway to understanding oneself better, completing unfinished emotional business, and ultimately creating the life one desires.

8. Practical Tools for Conscious Relationships

The episode concludes with Shay providing actionable advice for individuals seeking to cultivate conscious relationships:

• Nervous System Regulation: Incorporate somatic practices to manage emotional responses.
• Growth Edges: Depending on one's dominant energy (fire or water), lean into vulnerability or boundary-setting respectively.
• Clear Communication: Regularly address and clear resentments to prevent resentment buildup.
• Commitment to Self: Demonstrate commitment to personal growth, which in turn attracts partners aligned with one's true essence.

"If you want to have commitment from a partner, make sure that you are demonstrating commitment to yourself." (27:34)

9. Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Alyssa and Shay emphasize the importance of timing and personal growth in relationships. Shay underscores that while individuals can prepare their hearts for love through inner work, the manifestation of that love cannot be rushed or controlled. Trusting the process and aligning with one's passions and desires are crucial steps toward attracting and maintaining secure, fulfilling relationships.

"The timing isn't up to you. Try to really live life in flow with what you are passionate about and what you love and what you desire now instead of really sitting, waiting." (51:57)

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Shay on Relationship Templates:
  "We tend to unconsciously call in a partner who's going to mirror some of the most challenging aspects of our caretakers..." (02:21)

• Shay on Spiritual Purpose:
  "There's a spiritual purpose to relationship and it's not just about feeling good and having all of our needs met..." (04:35)

• Shay on Nervous System Patterns:
  "If your nervous system is patterned to go into fight or flight or freeze anytime a core wound is activated, then there's nothing else that's going to take precedence..." (09:29)

• Shay on Perfectionism in Relationships:
  "When we are seeking perfection in ourselves, we aren't allowing ourselves to really fall apart, to come back together..." (23:58)

• Shay on Healing Outside Relationships:
  "You can heal outside of relationship... You don't have to be perfectly healed to find love." (14:12)

• Shay on Heartbreak as a Milestone:
  "A breakup is actually a really important milestone in your life, and it's an initiation to deeper spiritual awareness." (48:40)

• Shay on Commitment to Self:
  "If you want to have commitment from a partner, make sure that you are demonstrating commitment to yourself." (27:34)

• Shay on Timing and Personal Growth:
  "The timing isn't up to you. Try to really live life in flow with what you are passionate about and what you love and what you desire now instead of really sitting, waiting." (51:57)

Key Takeaways

• Self-Awareness: Understanding one's own attachment style and past wounds is crucial for building healthy relationships.
• Nervous System Regulation: Managing emotional responses through somatic practices can prevent automatic negative reactions in relationships.
• Personal Responsibility: Healing is an individual journey that enhances the quality of one's relationships without over-reliance on a partner.
• Growth and Timing: Embracing personal growth and trusting the natural timing of relationships lead to more secure and fulfilling bonds.
• Clear Communication: Addressing and resolving resentments promptly fosters deeper intimacy and prevents relational decay.

For those seeking to deepen their understanding of attachment styles and cultivate secure, conscious relationships, Episode 81 of the Healing + Human Potential Podcast offers invaluable insights and practical strategies grounded in psychological and spiritual frameworks.