Healing + Human Potential with Alyssa Nobriga

Episode 103: How to Stop People-Pleasing + Face Your Truth with Amber Rae
August 26, 2025

Brief Overview

In this deeply personal and illuminating episode, host Alyssa Nobriga sits down with bestselling author Amber Rae to explore the journey from people-pleasing and self-abandonment to living an honest, self-honoring life. Amber vulnerably shares her own experiences—leaving a sexless marriage after meeting her soulmate, facing public backlash, and learning to connect with her authentic desires. Together, Alyssa and Amber examine the patterns of performing for love, uncovering truth, and building the courage to disappoint others for the sake of integrity and true self-love.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amber’s Awakening: Meeting Her Truth

[00:00–03:42]

Amber recounts the moment, four years ago, when she met a stranger and instantly recognized him as her soulmate, despite being married.
She describes the torrent of fears and doubts, but also the undeniable awakening this moment sparked regarding the truth of her marriage.
The realization she’d been staying out of fear of hurting others, at the expense of her own happiness, was pivotal.

“I stay because I don't want to hurt people, but the cost of that is hurting myself… I woke up from my slumber.”
—Amber Rae [00:00]

The Costs and Courage of Choosing Yourself

[03:42–06:23]

Alyssa lauds Amber’s transparency and honesty with all involved—her ex-husband, her soulmate John, and herself.
Amber candidly discusses the backlash she’s faced online, including being called selfish or evil, as well as the positive messages from people inspired by her honesty.
She notes that being honest can be confronting for others, often reflecting their own pain or unfulfilled desires.

“When a woman decides to honor herself and speak her truth, that can be confronting for some people… But I also hear ‘This is my story too. You put words to what I’ve been feeling.’” —Amber Rae [04:28]

Life on the Other Side of Radical Truth

[06:23–08:40]

Amber now feels at peace and in her power, despite ongoing criticism. Transparency with her former husband was crucial to her process.
She explains that telling the truth—even if painful—is the kindest, most integrous choice.
Meeting her soulmate didn’t mean she instantly left her marriage; it began a process of honest, vulnerable dialogue.

“It was as if once I saw him, I could no longer unknow what I knew, which is that I was in a marriage with a roommate and a best friend.” —Amber Rae [06:23]

Advice for Feeling “Off-Track” in Life

[09:22–10:30]

Amber empathizes with those realizing their lives no longer fit and feeling like they’ve made “all the wrong choices.”
She encourages self-compassion, recognizing fearful inner parts, and listening to the wise, knowing self within.

“There might be an inner child who's afraid of leaving the space of safety, but within you is a wise self… a part of you that wants you to step fully into your most true, free, and liberated life.” —Amber Rae [09:22]

Tools for Uncovering Honest Truth: Journaling & Safe Relationships

[10:59–14:01]

Amber credits her journaling practice as vital: asking hard questions on the page made her braver in real life.
Key journaling prompts:
- What truth am I afraid to admit to myself and why?
- Where am I disappointing myself so I don’t have to disappoint another?
- What’s preventing action in alignment with my truth?
She also highlights the importance of having at least one friend or therapeutic space where fears and shame can be voiced safely, diffusing their power.

“If I could be brave on the page, I could be braver in real life… Have some sort of space where you can voice the fear and the shame, because when it's stuck inside of you, it's so much scarier.” —Amber Rae [10:59]

Knowing When to Stay or Leave

[17:04–19:25]

Alyssa asks how to discern whether to stay and work things out or to leave.
Amber reflects on Vienna Farren’s wisdom: “Sometimes the healing is in the going, and sometimes the healing is in the leaving.”
She recommends examining personal patterns—do you habitually stay to keep peace, or leave at the first sign of conflict? Listening to one’s internal knowing is essential.

“I stay because I don't want to hurt people, but the cost of that is hurting myself… You have to look at your patterns.” —Amber Rae [17:18]

Liberation is a Two Way Street

[19:51–21:06]

Amber illustrates how people-pleasing can be confusing and exhausting for others, using the example of a friend who withholds her truth.
Fully honoring oneself enables genuine connection and availability for relationship.

“It can be exhausting to actually be in relationship with someone who's trying to make you happy... How do we get in relationships where the commitment is, I'm going to honor myself?” —Amber Rae [19:51]

Recognizing Self-Abandonment and People-Pleasing

[21:38–24:04]

Self-abandonment often looks like chronic focus on others’ needs at the expense of one’s own.
Amber shares her experience of a nine-year sexless marriage, realizing she chose “safe” relationships to avoid pain from past trauma.

“We may not even realize we haven't considered what's important to us.” —Amber Rae [21:38]

“How the hell did I let that be okay?...My pattern was to turn friends into romantic partners. Because if they left, it wouldn't hurt as badly.” —Amber Rae [24:04]

Shame, Desire, and Reclaiming Personal Power

[26:09–29:31]

Amber discusses the shame around female desire and ambition, and her process of unlearning performance-based love.
Vulnerability in relationship (expressing insecurities out loud) allowed for deeper intimacy and mutual healing.

“The way I learned to claim my power was really to face all of the insecurities that I did not realize were going to come to the surface... It was really a process of looking at what are these stories that I've been telling myself? What are these insecurities that have been inhibiting me, and how can I actually bring vulnerability?” —Amber Rae [26:34]

Healing Generational Patterns & Handling Guilt

[30:12–32:49]

For those who learned to keep peace in childhood, Amber advises practicing sitting with the discomfort (like guilt) that arises when honoring self.
Instead of managing others to avoid guilt, practice tolerating guilt as a sensation, learning it's a muscle that strengthens over time.

“Learning to tolerate the discomfort of speaking my truth... Even if people are disappointed or disapprove when those choices are aligned with my authenticity, it is my—I must really make the self-honoring choice.” —Amber Rae [30:58]

Boundaries vs. Requests

[34:08–37:01]

Amber’s “aha” moment: differentiating between requests (“I need you to…”) and boundaries (“Here’s what I’m going to do”).
She uses a driving analogy: instead of trying to make someone stop tailgating, just pull over—focus on your own action.

“I was making these requests of, ‘Please treat me like this’ instead of, ‘No, I'm going to treat me like this.’” —Amber Rae [35:03]

Anger as a Boundary Signal

[37:01–39:24]

Anger is described as an important indicator that a boundary has been crossed.
The challenge is to feel and use anger as information, rather than reacting or suppressing.

“Anger can be a really powerful tool. Anger can tell us, wait, that's a line for me. And that line was just crossed.” —Amber Rae [37:01]

Shifting from Earned Love to Self-Sourced Love

[40:49–43:07]

Amber reveals her former belief that love was something she had to earn—through achievement or pleasing.
Real insight came when she achieved career and relationship milestones, only to feel emptiness.
Self-love means practical daily actions: writing, movement, spending time with loved ones.

“Love is inside of me. I just had to keep coming back to, I am the source of my love.” —Amber Rae [41:47]

Childhood Roots: The Search for External Love

[43:07–45:37]

Amber shares a formative story: at age nine, seeking love and recognition from her brain-injured father, but realizing she’d been seeking outside herself for years.
This early pain became the source of her self-discovery and eventual healing.

“It was so painful for my little girl, of course, to meet a father who couldn't see her or love her in the way that I saw fathers love their daughters... I got trapped in love is out there rather than mothers and me.” —Amber Rae [43:16]

Professional Pivots & Following Meaning

[46:08–49:24]

Amber encourages listeners that it’s never too late to pivot professionally, even if it’s just 30 minutes a day on something that excites you.
Her own journey from tech career to author began with simply journaling and sharing her process, without a fixed goal.

“Find time to do the thing that moves you. The beauty is in the time on the thing that moves you, regardless of what it becomes.” —Amber Rae [46:58]

Embracing the Art of Disappointing Others

[50:47–53:16]

Amber closes with the crucial skill of “learning to disappoint others”—putting truth over social expectations.
Real freedom is found in bravery and truth, not in people-pleasing.

“We have to disappoint people so that we don't disappoint ourselves… Learn to disappoint and feel the discomfort of disappointing others because that is where you will find your bravery, strength, clarity, and the truth.” —Amber Rae [50:47]

Memorable Quote on Connection Through Truth-Telling

“As a result of me honestly saying, here are the things that I wrote about and here are some of the things that you're going to see from my point of view, I've actually felt closer to [my mother], and she's received it differently than I expected.”
—Amber Rae [51:53]

Notable Quotes

“Have some sort of space where you can voice the fear and the shame, because when it’s stuck inside of you, it’s so much scarier.” —Amber Rae [00:00]
“Following a path of truth over expectations… That is where you will find your bravery, your strength, your clarity, and the truth.” —Amber Rae [00:00, 50:47]
“Liberation is a two way street.” —Amber Rae [19:51]
“Love is inside of me. I just had to keep coming back to, I am the source of my love.” —Amber Rae [41:47]

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00] Amber’s awakening and the cost of people-pleasing
[04:28] Online backlash and societal discomfort with women’s honesty
[06:23] Radical transparency and healing
[09:22] Advice for realizing your life no longer fits
[10:59] The power of journaling and safe spaces
[17:18] How to discern staying vs. leaving
[19:51] Pleasing vs. true connection: liberation as a two-way street
[24:04] Lessons from a sexless marriage
[30:58] Navigating guilt and building tolerance for discomfort
[34:08] Boundaries vs. requests—what’s the difference?
[37:01] Anger as boundary feedback
[40:49] Unlearning performative love
[43:07] How childhood wounds shape adult relationships
[46:58] Pivoting professionally—embracing your “passion experiment”
[50:47] The art and necessity of disappointing others

Final Reflections

Amber Rae’s candor offers a powerful roadmap for anyone feeling stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, self-abandonment, or fear of disappointing others. Through personal anecdotes, practical tools, and a clear-eyed look at the discomfort of transformation, she encourages listeners to claim their truth, honor their needs, and live a life aligned with deeper authenticity.

Where to find Amber Rae:

Instagram: @heyamberrae
Website: amberrae.com
Book: Lovable (available everywhere books are sold)

Healing + Human Potential with Alyssa Nobriga

Episode 103: How to Stop People-Pleasing + Face Your Truth with Amber Rae
August 26, 2025

Brief Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amber’s Awakening: Meeting Her Truth

[00:00–03:42]

Amber recounts the moment, four years ago, when she met a stranger and instantly recognized him as her soulmate, despite being married.
She describes the torrent of fears and doubts, but also the undeniable awakening this moment sparked regarding the truth of her marriage.
The realization she’d been staying out of fear of hurting others, at the expense of her own happiness, was pivotal.

“I stay because I don't want to hurt people, but the cost of that is hurting myself… I woke up from my slumber.”
—Amber Rae [00:00]

The Costs and Courage of Choosing Yourself

[03:42–06:23]

Alyssa lauds Amber’s transparency and honesty with all involved—her ex-husband, her soulmate John, and herself.
Amber candidly discusses the backlash she’s faced online, including being called selfish or evil, as well as the positive messages from people inspired by her honesty.
She notes that being honest can be confronting for others, often reflecting their own pain or unfulfilled desires.

“When a woman decides to honor herself and speak her truth, that can be confronting for some people… But I also hear ‘This is my story too. You put words to what I’ve been feeling.’” —Amber Rae [04:28]

Life on the Other Side of Radical Truth

[06:23–08:40]

Amber now feels at peace and in her power, despite ongoing criticism. Transparency with her former husband was crucial to her process.
She explains that telling the truth—even if painful—is the kindest, most integrous choice.
Meeting her soulmate didn’t mean she instantly left her marriage; it began a process of honest, vulnerable dialogue.

“It was as if once I saw him, I could no longer unknow what I knew, which is that I was in a marriage with a roommate and a best friend.” —Amber Rae [06:23]

Advice for Feeling “Off-Track” in Life

[09:22–10:30]

Amber empathizes with those realizing their lives no longer fit and feeling like they’ve made “all the wrong choices.”
She encourages self-compassion, recognizing fearful inner parts, and listening to the wise, knowing self within.

“There might be an inner child who's afraid of leaving the space of safety, but within you is a wise self… a part of you that wants you to step fully into your most true, free, and liberated life.” —Amber Rae [09:22]

Tools for Uncovering Honest Truth: Journaling & Safe Relationships

[10:59–14:01]

Amber credits her journaling practice as vital: asking hard questions on the page made her braver in real life.
Key journaling prompts:
- What truth am I afraid to admit to myself and why?
- Where am I disappointing myself so I don’t have to disappoint another?
- What’s preventing action in alignment with my truth?
She also highlights the importance of having at least one friend or therapeutic space where fears and shame can be voiced safely, diffusing their power.

“If I could be brave on the page, I could be braver in real life… Have some sort of space where you can voice the fear and the shame, because when it's stuck inside of you, it's so much scarier.” —Amber Rae [10:59]

Knowing When to Stay or Leave

[17:04–19:25]

Alyssa asks how to discern whether to stay and work things out or to leave.
Amber reflects on Vienna Farren’s wisdom: “Sometimes the healing is in the going, and sometimes the healing is in the leaving.”
She recommends examining personal patterns—do you habitually stay to keep peace, or leave at the first sign of conflict? Listening to one’s internal knowing is essential.

“I stay because I don't want to hurt people, but the cost of that is hurting myself… You have to look at your patterns.” —Amber Rae [17:18]

Liberation is a Two Way Street

[19:51–21:06]

Amber illustrates how people-pleasing can be confusing and exhausting for others, using the example of a friend who withholds her truth.
Fully honoring oneself enables genuine connection and availability for relationship.

“It can be exhausting to actually be in relationship with someone who's trying to make you happy... How do we get in relationships where the commitment is, I'm going to honor myself?” —Amber Rae [19:51]

Recognizing Self-Abandonment and People-Pleasing

[21:38–24:04]

Self-abandonment often looks like chronic focus on others’ needs at the expense of one’s own.
Amber shares her experience of a nine-year sexless marriage, realizing she chose “safe” relationships to avoid pain from past trauma.

“We may not even realize we haven't considered what's important to us.” —Amber Rae [21:38]

“How the hell did I let that be okay?...My pattern was to turn friends into romantic partners. Because if they left, it wouldn't hurt as badly.” —Amber Rae [24:04]

Shame, Desire, and Reclaiming Personal Power

[26:09–29:31]

Amber discusses the shame around female desire and ambition, and her process of unlearning performance-based love.
Vulnerability in relationship (expressing insecurities out loud) allowed for deeper intimacy and mutual healing.

“The way I learned to claim my power was really to face all of the insecurities that I did not realize were going to come to the surface... It was really a process of looking at what are these stories that I've been telling myself? What are these insecurities that have been inhibiting me, and how can I actually bring vulnerability?” —Amber Rae [26:34]

Healing Generational Patterns & Handling Guilt

[30:12–32:49]

For those who learned to keep peace in childhood, Amber advises practicing sitting with the discomfort (like guilt) that arises when honoring self.
Instead of managing others to avoid guilt, practice tolerating guilt as a sensation, learning it's a muscle that strengthens over time.

“Learning to tolerate the discomfort of speaking my truth... Even if people are disappointed or disapprove when those choices are aligned with my authenticity, it is my—I must really make the self-honoring choice.” —Amber Rae [30:58]

Boundaries vs. Requests

[34:08–37:01]

Amber’s “aha” moment: differentiating between requests (“I need you to…”) and boundaries (“Here’s what I’m going to do”).
She uses a driving analogy: instead of trying to make someone stop tailgating, just pull over—focus on your own action.

“I was making these requests of, ‘Please treat me like this’ instead of, ‘No, I'm going to treat me like this.’” —Amber Rae [35:03]

Anger as a Boundary Signal

[37:01–39:24]

Anger is described as an important indicator that a boundary has been crossed.
The challenge is to feel and use anger as information, rather than reacting or suppressing.

“Anger can be a really powerful tool. Anger can tell us, wait, that's a line for me. And that line was just crossed.” —Amber Rae [37:01]

Shifting from Earned Love to Self-Sourced Love

[40:49–43:07]

Amber reveals her former belief that love was something she had to earn—through achievement or pleasing.
Real insight came when she achieved career and relationship milestones, only to feel emptiness.
Self-love means practical daily actions: writing, movement, spending time with loved ones.

“Love is inside of me. I just had to keep coming back to, I am the source of my love.” —Amber Rae [41:47]

Childhood Roots: The Search for External Love

[43:07–45:37]

Amber shares a formative story: at age nine, seeking love and recognition from her brain-injured father, but realizing she’d been seeking outside herself for years.
This early pain became the source of her self-discovery and eventual healing.

“It was so painful for my little girl, of course, to meet a father who couldn't see her or love her in the way that I saw fathers love their daughters... I got trapped in love is out there rather than mothers and me.” —Amber Rae [43:16]

Professional Pivots & Following Meaning

[46:08–49:24]

Amber encourages listeners that it’s never too late to pivot professionally, even if it’s just 30 minutes a day on something that excites you.
Her own journey from tech career to author began with simply journaling and sharing her process, without a fixed goal.

“Find time to do the thing that moves you. The beauty is in the time on the thing that moves you, regardless of what it becomes.” —Amber Rae [46:58]

Embracing the Art of Disappointing Others

[50:47–53:16]

Amber closes with the crucial skill of “learning to disappoint others”—putting truth over social expectations.
Real freedom is found in bravery and truth, not in people-pleasing.

“We have to disappoint people so that we don't disappoint ourselves… Learn to disappoint and feel the discomfort of disappointing others because that is where you will find your bravery, strength, clarity, and the truth.” —Amber Rae [50:47]

Memorable Quote on Connection Through Truth-Telling

“As a result of me honestly saying, here are the things that I wrote about and here are some of the things that you're going to see from my point of view, I've actually felt closer to [my mother], and she's received it differently than I expected.”
—Amber Rae [51:53]

Notable Quotes

“Have some sort of space where you can voice the fear and the shame, because when it’s stuck inside of you, it’s so much scarier.” —Amber Rae [00:00]
“Following a path of truth over expectations… That is where you will find your bravery, your strength, your clarity, and the truth.” —Amber Rae [00:00, 50:47]
“Liberation is a two way street.” —Amber Rae [19:51]
“Love is inside of me. I just had to keep coming back to, I am the source of my love.” —Amber Rae [41:47]

Timestamps for Key Segments

[00:00] Amber’s awakening and the cost of people-pleasing
[04:28] Online backlash and societal discomfort with women’s honesty
[06:23] Radical transparency and healing
[09:22] Advice for realizing your life no longer fits
[10:59] The power of journaling and safe spaces
[17:18] How to discern staying vs. leaving
[19:51] Pleasing vs. true connection: liberation as a two-way street
[24:04] Lessons from a sexless marriage
[30:58] Navigating guilt and building tolerance for discomfort
[34:08] Boundaries vs. requests—what’s the difference?
[37:01] Anger as boundary feedback
[40:49] Unlearning performative love
[43:07] How childhood wounds shape adult relationships
[46:58] Pivoting professionally—embracing your “passion experiment”
[50:47] The art and necessity of disappointing others

Final Reflections

Where to find Amber Rae:

Instagram: @heyamberrae
Website: amberrae.com
Book: Lovable (available everywhere books are sold)

How to Stop People-Pleasing + Face Your Truth with Amber Rae | EP 103

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Summary

Healing + Human Potential with Alyssa Nobriga

Brief Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amber’s Awakening: Meeting Her Truth

The Costs and Courage of Choosing Yourself

Life on the Other Side of Radical Truth

Advice for Feeling “Off-Track” in Life

Tools for Uncovering Honest Truth: Journaling & Safe Relationships

Knowing When to Stay or Leave

Liberation is a Two Way Street

Recognizing Self-Abandonment and People-Pleasing

Shame, Desire, and Reclaiming Personal Power

Healing Generational Patterns & Handling Guilt

Boundaries vs. Requests

Anger as a Boundary Signal

Shifting from Earned Love to Self-Sourced Love

Childhood Roots: The Search for External Love

Professional Pivots & Following Meaning

Embracing the Art of Disappointing Others

Memorable Quote on Connection Through Truth-Telling

Notable Quotes

Timestamps for Key Segments

Final Reflections

Summary

Healing + Human Potential with Alyssa Nobriga

Brief Overview

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amber’s Awakening: Meeting Her Truth

The Costs and Courage of Choosing Yourself

Life on the Other Side of Radical Truth

Advice for Feeling “Off-Track” in Life

Tools for Uncovering Honest Truth: Journaling & Safe Relationships

Knowing When to Stay or Leave

Liberation is a Two Way Street

Recognizing Self-Abandonment and People-Pleasing

Shame, Desire, and Reclaiming Personal Power

Healing Generational Patterns & Handling Guilt

Boundaries vs. Requests

Anger as a Boundary Signal

Shifting from Earned Love to Self-Sourced Love

Childhood Roots: The Search for External Love

Professional Pivots & Following Meaning

Embracing the Art of Disappointing Others

Memorable Quote on Connection Through Truth-Telling

Notable Quotes

Timestamps for Key Segments

Final Reflections