#335: Best of 2024 Part 1

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle #335: Best of 2024 Part 1

Introduction and Announcements

In the season finale titled “Best of 2024 Part 1,” the hosts of Hey Riddle Riddle—Adal Refai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan (JPC)—celebrate the year’s most memorable moments with a blend of humor, improvisation, and nostalgic reflections. The episode kicks off with playful banter as the hosts introduce Janet Varney as a special guest, adding an extra layer of camaraderie and fun to the discussion.

Notable Quote:

• Adal Refai [00:22]: "You ignorant slut."
• JPC [01:24]: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that from Chevy Chase."

Patreon and Upcoming Live Show

The hosts take a moment to promote their Patreon, inviting listeners to join the Clue Crew for exclusive bonus episodes. They tease upcoming content, including out-of-context clips from their Patreon back catalog, aiming to give patrons insider access to their best moments of the year. Additionally, they announce an exciting live performance at San Francisco Sketchfest slated for January 18th, highlighting their continued dedication to live improv and sketch comedy.

Notable Quote:

• Aaron Keefe [02:25]: "But if everyone is sort of remembering back in their brains. Janet was on that episode. I was."

Howard Dean Quiz Segment

A standout segment features a humorous mock quiz competition with Howard Dean as an unexpected participant. The interaction is filled with absurd questions and playful antagonism, showcasing the hosts’ improvisational skills and their ability to turn any scenario into a comedic sketch.

Notable Quote:

• JPC [09:26]: "And I’d say check out all the shows at Sketchfest. But, Aaron, why."

Video Montage and Reflections

Adal presents a heartfelt video montage celebrating five years of podcasting, compiling clips that highlight the hosts' growth, memorable interactions, and the evolution of their comedic dynamics. The montage serves as a tribute to their journey together, eliciting both laughter and nostalgia.

Notable Quote:

• Adal Refai [12:30]: "Parasailing. Oh, my God, we went parasailing. Look at us, we’re so high up."

Role-Play Courtroom Scene

In a highly entertaining courtroom role-play scene, Adal prosecutes JPC for insanity while Aaron defends him. This segment is a masterclass in improv, with rapid-fire dialogue, creative accusations, and witty rebuttals that keep listeners engaged and amused.

Notable Quotes:

• Adal Refai [43:06]: "And I am the judge."
• Aaron Keefe [47:11]: "Excuse me, I am in the middle of my opening statements."

Creative Scenes and Improvisation

The latter half of the episode is rich with improvisational sketches, including scenarios like renegade goats, sloth interactions at a zoo, and hilarious misunderstandings involving Diet Coke and tuna sandwiches. These scenes highlight the hosts’ ability to create vivid, humorous narratives on the spot, keeping the energy high and the jokes flowing.

Notable Quotes:

• Adal Refai [51:25]: "This is a dog. We've dyed blue."
• Aaron Keefe [66:20]: "It is in the sandwich and it is calling my name."

Conclusion and Final Jokes

As the episode winds down, the hosts playfully lament the inclusion of the infamous pig orgasm sound effect, referencing an ongoing joke from earlier episodes. They maintain their comedic momentum with light-hearted exchanges, ensuring listeners leave on a high note.

Notable Quote:

• Aaron Keefe [29:57]: "It's making me nervous that we don't see Casey typing. Did Casey?"

Final Thoughts

Hey Riddle Riddle’s “Best of 2024 Part 1” serves as a vibrant recap of the year’s funniest and most engaging moments. Through a combination of structured segments, spontaneous improvisation, and heartfelt reflections, the hosts deliver an episode that is both entertaining and a fitting tribute to their podcasting journey. Whether you’re a long-time listener or new to the show, this episode offers a comprehensive and delightful glimpse into the dynamic world of Hey Riddle Riddle.

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Key Takeaways:

• Engaging Content: The hosts successfully blend scripted segments with improvisational humor, keeping the episode dynamic and entertaining.
• Nostalgic Reflections: The video montage and reflections offer a sentimental look back at five years of podcasting, strengthening listener connection.
• Community Involvement: Announcements about Patreon and live shows encourage audience participation and support.
• Consistent Humor: The episode maintains a consistent thread of humor, from playful insults to elaborate role-play scenarios, showcasing the hosts’ comedic chemistry.

Whether revisiting favorite moments or discovering new ones, “Best of 2024 Part 1” encapsulates the essence of Hey Riddle Riddle, providing laughter, camaraderie, and a celebration of a successful year.

Transcript

[Aaron Keefe]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Adal Refai]

Lights are going up. Snow is falling down. There's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. Big Rib is here at participating McDonald's for a limited time. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice in legs and the horses named Bray.

[JPC]

Okay, well, I was up for the last 72 hours, but I finally scoured the Internet for enough riddles to do another episode in 2024. So I'm old man puzzles and let's.

[Adal Refai]

You ignorant slut.

[JPC]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'll take that from Chevy Chase.

[Aaron Keefe]

You shouldn't.

[Adal Refai]

I wouldn't.

[Janet Varney]

You shouldn't, Ackroyd.

[JPC]

But not from you. What?

[Adal Refai]

We're not doing any more riddles this year.

[JPC]

Then why did I bring Janet to guest in the episode?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, hi, Janet.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, hi, Janet.

[Aaron Keefe]

Adam was pulling Janet in a little wagon behind him. That's fun. Hi, Janet.

[Janet Varney]

Wanna buy some lemonade?

[JPC]

No, you ignorant slut.

[Aaron Keefe]

You can't. You shouldn't take that.

[Adal Refai]

You shouldn't pop. Leave it to Chevy Chase. Leave it to the professionals.

[Aaron Keefe]

This is part one, part one of our best of episode, and I will be honest with you, it is at least 45 minutes of pig orgasm noises. Because that was this year.

[Adal Refai]

That's what the people want.

[Aaron Keefe]

And if everyone is sort of remembering back in their brains. Janet was on that episode. I was.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron Keefe]

I was.

[JPC]

And remember, with pigs, if they're coming, you're coming.

[Adal Refai]

No, that's.

[JPC]

If they're cold, you're cold. If you're cold, they're cold.

[Aaron Keefe]

If you're here, they're family. If you're here, then where are they? I don't know. So this year is actually very exciting. We're trying something a little different. Okay, this is not your usual best of in the back half of this episode. And next week, you're gonna hear scenes from our Patreon stuff that was awesome on our Patreon this year that you guys seem to like, you're just gonna give it away. Well, it's the holiday season, and that's what it's all about. But if you like what you're hearing and you wanna hear the full context for those clips and you haven't been a patron yet, go to patreon.com. hey, Riddleriddle. You can join For a week, free. And in that weird, liminal space between Christmas and New Year's, just binge all of our best episodes over there.

[Adal Refai]

Wait a second, Aaron. What if I like the Patreon, but I don't want to pay every single month? Is there an option for people like me?

[Aaron Keefe]

Why are you talking like that? Yes, you can just buy a whole year of Patreon.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, starting in the new year, you could buy a whole year of Patreon. So if you want to buy for the year, you can do that. Get a discount, too.

[JPC]

But wait, Aaron and Janet, what if I listen to the Best of. And then in January, I want to see the four of you live in San Francisco.

[Aaron Keefe]

Did everybody hit their head? Why are people talking so weird? Yeah, we're going to be in San Francisco Sketchfest.

[Adal Refai]

Me and Adel hit our heads together. We were trying to be Wonder Twins.

[Aaron Keefe]

Janet's going to be our guest. It's going to be incredible.

[Janet Varney]

I'm so excited. I cannot wait to be with y'all in person. JPC was not able to be at the live. Hey, Riddle.

[Aaron Keefe]

Riddle.

[Janet Varney]

Last Sketchfest for reasons we will not discuss.

[Adal Refai]

No more babies. I gotta go to the Sketchfest.

[Janet Varney]

For reasons we will have just disclosed. And he is gonna. So this is gonna be very, very fun. And it is on Saturday, January 18th. January 18th.

[Adal Refai]

Yes.

[Janet Varney]

JBC. I was. Let me finish. Okay, but Aaron, what if we want to say a date and then someone else says it first? Is there an option for us?

[Aaron Keefe]

What happened to everybody?

[Janet Varney]

I just hit my head on the wagon.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is it contagious? Oh, my God.

[Adal Refai]

Seems like it. Saturday, January 18th at 4pm at the Gateway Theater in San Francisco. And you can buy those tickets in. I'm gonna say the link below. And. Yeah, maybe that works. Oh, yeah, they can do that, too.

[JPC]

And I'd say check out all the shows at Sketchfest. But, Aaron, why.

[Adal Refai]

We're probably going up against another show at least. So don't check out all of them.

[JPC]

Not all of them.

[Adal Refai]

Ours first. And then whatever else you want to check out.

[JPC]

Smart.

[Janet Varney]

Trickle down economics.

[Aaron Keefe]

Exactly.

[JPC]

Thank you, Reagan. Well. Well, Aaron, are you.

[Adal Refai]

Is that this year?

[JPC]

Well, Aaron, are you gonna hit your head this year? Aaron, hit your head. Aaron, hit your head.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay. Yes, Anna.

[JPC]

Holy shit.

[Adal Refai]

That sucks.

[JPC]

Aaron, we were joking. We were just joking around.

[Janet Varney]

You're bleeding.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know, but. But Adol. What? What if we. Oh, my God. There's nothing left to say.

[JPC]

I think she thinks she's talking.

[Adal Refai]

All right, so we're all gonna go to the hospital. Enjoy the best of 2024.

[JPC]

She swallowed her tongue. She swallowed her tongue.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can you guys hear me? Am I talking? Anyways, welcome to Hayward Overdo. That's jpc. He's Chaos. That's adol. He's nice. And I'm Erin.

[Adal Refai]

What's Erin?

[Aaron Keefe]

The one who's trying her best.

[JPC]

Aww. Is that why you're wearing a scarf today and dark sunglasses?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes. It's not because I'm hungover.

[JPC]

Let's describe for the audience. Aaron is wearing a headscarf, dark sunglasses. She's sitting in a. I want to say a 57 drop top convertible, cherry red with the white inlay. Oh, no.

[Aaron Keefe]

The wind took my scarf away.

[Adal Refai]

She's. She's got one of those, like long cigarette holders, but it doesn't appear that she's got a cigarette for it.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's a hot Cheeto that I put in there. That's my secret.

[JPC]

She's speeding down. PhD.

[Adal Refai]

Cheetos are hot when you light the end of it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Here are some rhyming poems for you. I'm going to give the first part and then you guys need to give me the second half. So I'll give you essentially like the roses are red, violets are blue part and then you have to fill in it after it. Ready? Sunsets are pink, oceans are blue.

[JPC]

I fucked a minion. And so did Gru.

[Adal Refai]

We don't know that he did.

[JPC]

And we're just practicing right now. Right, Arin? This won't make it. This won't make it in the episode.

[Adal Refai]

Did you fuck the same minion that Gru fucked?

[JPC]

Because there's a lot of them looking at my council. He's shaking his head.

[Aaron Keefe]

How can you tell?

[Adal Refai]

I watched the first 15 minutes of Despicable Me the other day. Why? Because I had never seen it and we would. I don't know. Mariah loves the Minions, so. And I've never seen a single Minion's property. So we put it on, but we can't watch like a full movie anymore. And so I only got about 15 minutes. And I was also watching it with the sound off and the subtitles on.

[JPC]

I would say enjoy it with a red wine and a filet. Minion. These things are so tender. I don't know what group, what's in them. These things are so tender.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're grilling minions.

[JPC]

Wait, you're not.

[Adal Refai]

What are you doing? Have. You're steaming them. Aaron, you're losing flavor. You're like on the table.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm losing nutrients when I grill them.

[Adal Refai]

Honestly, you're losing nutrients.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, you're losing nutrients.

[Adal Refai]

If you cook them at all. You gotta eat raw. Menu. That's the only way to do it.

[Aaron Keefe]

You know you're not supposed to microwave them, right? You know, everyone knows you can microwave it.

[Adal Refai]

You just have to take the clothes off.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adal Refai]

Don't microwave with the clothes.

[JPC]

Well, hold on. Do you leave the goggles on?

[Aaron Keefe]

Do you leave the goggles on? Are you the best part?

[JPC]

I am. I do have a cookbook coming out. It's called Filet Minion.

[Aaron Keefe]

Please hit me up.

[JPC]

The recipes are coming out.

[Aaron Keefe]

I've been putting them in smoothies because I'm on the go.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, you lose all the fiber though.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know.

[Adal Refai]

Why am I eating a minion if I'm not getting fiber? Honestly? You can blend humans.

[Aaron Keefe]

This is an all timer for me.

[Adal Refai]

You guys also do Metamucil. Like do. Do something that will give you some like. Or Miralax. Because you're going to be constipated by day three of eating smoothies. You're going to be constipated. Like all get up.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh yeah.

[JPC]

All those overalls working their way through your system. There's so many ways to cook a minion.

[Adal Refai]

And I can play with joking.

[Aaron Keefe]

We open our freezers and it's a bunch of minions.

[Adal Refai]

They keep six months in the freezer, three weeks in the fridge. And I can play like this because I watched the first 15 minutes. So I understand about the minions.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're getting it.

[JPC]

Let me just lift up the box here. And here's our special guest, Howard Dean. So you're gonna be in a quick lightning bonus round against Howard Dean. Jpc. Are you ready?

[Adal Refai]

Yes.

[JPC]

Jpc, first question for you. What was Lucille Ball's Social Security number?

[Adal Refai]

Lucille Ball, real person. Also played Lucy on a television show.

[JPC]

Okay, that is time. Howard Dean. Same question. I dropped the card. A different question. When you stub your toe, you make this sound. That's a point for Howard Dean.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love this.

[Adal Refai]

What's the score? Dean up two. Right.

[JPC]

It's two zero. It's two zero.

[Adal Refai]

Ball game Indy spot. Okay.

[JPC]

Oh, and actually you asked me a question, so that's minus point for you. And we go back to Howard Dean. Fuck Howard Dean. Howard Dean once famously made this noise. That's correct. I knew it was three to negative one.

[Adal Refai]

I knew that one.

[JPC]

Jpc.

[Adal Refai]

Yes.

[JPC]

Howard Dean lost his entire career for making this noise. Jpc. That's correct.

[Adal Refai]

Yes.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sort of feels like Howard Dean stole that answer from him though.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, no, that was me. I was making. Listen to Howard Dean make the noise. And that's me. I was the second one. One more time.

[Aaron Keefe]

What?

[JPC]

Okay, jbc, can you leave a little more space between you and Howard Dean?

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, yeah, you're really like chomping at his heels there. Let him finish.

[Adal Refai]

Fight, Howard, please. Okay, and now I will go.

[Aaron Keefe]

Why does yours have crowd sounds?

[JPC]

Howard Dean wins that round.

[Adal Refai]

Come on.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, my first. We're back with Sydney's Reynolds. My first is a sports fan's numerical name, Rindles. My second in science.

[Adal Refai]

This MF's in Rendles. Aaron thinks he's on a Rendles podcast.

[JPC]

Aaron is crying.

[Aaron Keefe]

You can't make a single mistake here. You know, I might skip ahead to the email that a 13 year old girl sent in telling you guys to be nice to me.

[Adal Refai]

I put together a little video montage for you guys of the last five years of just some stuff that I found. A little video that I found of us interacting on the podcast. And Casey, I think we're ready for this, right? And I would like to play it for you guys now and just, you know, just as a little gift. It's been a great five years and I've really enjoyed all of it.

[Aaron Keefe]

What is this?

[Adal Refai]

Oh, Aaron, look at you. Oh, my God, you look so young. Ah, this is when Adel wore the crazy hat. Adel, where did you get that hat? I'm at hot tub. Do you guys remember this?

[Aaron Keefe]

This is a video of an alligator eating a baseball coach. Adel, what are we watching?

[Adal Refai]

Parasailing. Oh, my God, we went parasailing. Look at us, we're so high up.

[JPC]

It's still a picture of an alligator eating a baseball coach. It's just inverted.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, no, this is. What do they call this? A garbage plate. Adel ate the whole garbage plate.

[JPC]

No, that's an alligator eating a whole baseball coach.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, my God. I was on the beach. Oh, Aaron, you burned so bad that day. Should have worn your big hat.

[Aaron Keefe]

That alligator's eating the baseball coach's hat.

[JPC]

Just in sepia tones.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, my God, look at all the times I had. And these are. It's moving really quickly now, but got five years. Look at all. Look at this. Wow.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, he's dead for sure.

[Adal Refai]

It's hard to believe that we've gone through so much, but look at us. Here we are.

[JPC]

Oh, he superimposed us riding the alligator like a horse anyway in sort of a victory lap.

[Adal Refai]

Just a little gift from me to you guys. I wanted to put that little video montage together to Kind of show you that what we've meant to each other over the years and kind of all the things that we've accomplished.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you, jpc. It's really moving.

[JPC]

You guys are super welcome.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Wow. So JPC got 10 points for whatever that was that he said. And, Aaron, you get 50 points.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are you tired? Are you okay? Have we broken you? Have we broken your spirit? You started this show with a song in your heart and a riddle in your hat, and I fear that we've broken you down over time.

[JPC]

That can't be right. Previously on hey, Riddle.

[Adal Refai]

Riddle.

[JPC]

Hey, Aaron. Jpc.

[Adal Refai]

What's up, dick bags?

[Aaron Keefe]

Smack, smack, smack. My throat.

[JPC]

My nuts. Ow. Did you guys want to start a podcast?

[Aaron Keefe]

No. Fuck you. It's about riddles, fart leaves.

[Adal Refai]

I'm gonna beat up your dad.

[JPC]

Ah. Wow.

[Aaron Keefe]

And that was last week.

[Adal Refai]

That was. Yeah, that was episode 299.

[JPC]

I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you are. We'll say that you're like, of college age, late teens, early 20s. You're coming back home to your family house, and in the front yard is a tree you planted when you were a kid. Janet, you are going to be this sort of giving tree who has seen Aaron throughout the years, and you're reconnecting after four years.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, my goodness. Is that who I think it is?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh. Hey, calm down. Chainsaw. Hi. Oh, my gosh.

[Adal Refai]

You look so grown up.

[Aaron Keefe]

You look amazing. You look so good. Oh, my God, you smell the same. You look so good.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, thank you.

[Adal Refai]

Thank you.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, it's so good to see you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. I'm surprised that you still talk. I thought it was sort of a whimsical childhood thing that I was imagining.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, no, this is a lifelong curse.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ah, yes.

[Janet Varney]

As long as I. As long as there's a stitch of me left, including my roots, I am going to talk.

[Aaron Keefe]

But that means I can tell you how good I just see you. So good to see you. Yeah. He's just like. Yeah. I mean, we had so much fun, right? I used to sit under your shade and read books.

[Janet Varney]

Goodness. We had a treehouse in the swim. Did those tires swing?

[Aaron Keefe]

Entire swing swung and swung. You talked to me through most of my problems when my family wouldn't really talk to me.

[Janet Varney]

I told you how to clean your skin better so you wouldn't get those nasty pimples.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, you taught me how to drive. Well, speaking of all of that stuff we've done, you must be exhausted. You must be sort of like feeling like you're done. I feel Good.

[Janet Varney]

I'm an extrovert.

[Aaron Keefe]

You know what I mean?

[Janet Varney]

So I recharge through my exchanges with people.

[Adal Refai]

People I care about.

[Janet Varney]

Like you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. You know, I'm sort of home from college. My parents are sort of putting me to work, doing some yard work for them. Mowing the lawn stuff. Good for you.

[Janet Varney]

You earn a little extra scratch.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's so funny, you are sort of causing a little bit of a headache for my parents. You're dropping a lot of those little things that fall from your tree onto their porch. Cherries. Yeah, they're trying to entertain more. And my mom is sort of tired of sweeping all the cherries off the porch. My dad is sort of worried about.

[Janet Varney]

Oh, she's tired of making delicious cherries.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[Janet Varney]

Okay.

[Adal Refai]

It's not the fucking cherries. She screams when you're not here. When you're not here all the time.

[Aaron Keefe]

Get back in the house.

[Janet Varney]

Exaggeration.

[Adal Refai]

I'm just sick of. David, wait up in the house.

[JPC]

David, put the shotgun down, please.

[Janet Varney]

I'm starting to get upset.

[Adal Refai]

No, don't you start disagreement. I'll shoot the fucking thing.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[JPC]

That case, please. Scene.

[Aaron Keefe]

The Giving Tree.

[JPC]

Fox, Shel Silverstein.

[Aaron Keefe]

The book, the Giving Tree. We just did it.

[JPC]

The Pope is giving a speech. A man in the audience shoots the mayor, who is behind the Pope.

[Adal Refai]

Why is it like mare, like a horse? Like the Pope is riding a horse, like doing a speech.

[Aaron Keefe]

Wow, that's a good guess.

[JPC]

Can I ask you, why would the.

[Adal Refai]

Horse be behind the Pope?

[JPC]

I'm not gonna tell you. Yes or no. But can I ask if it was a horse, a mare? Solve that riddle. Why would a guy shoot a horse behind the Pope? It sounds like an old timey expression.

[Aaron Keefe]

Like, yeah, the Pope.

[Adal Refai]

It's like this is like 1100 years ago. The Pope has gotten off his horse to give the speech, and so the horse is behind him. Someone shoots the horse to spook the Pope.

[JPC]

Of course, smacking the Pope on his ass will spook the Pope. If you smack the Pope on the ass, it spooks him.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, that's gotta be on the Mount Rushmore of my favorite sentences ever said on the show.

[JPC]

Somebody shoots the horse to spook the Pope.

[Adal Refai]

She swallowed the spider to chase the fly.

[JPC]

Shot the horses. I don't know why. Let's do some more of these ditloids. Okay, this one is 12m of a J. 12m of a J.

[Aaron Keefe]

12 months. 12.

[Adal Refai]

12 months of a January. 12 monkeys on a jury. These monkeys can't pick out who's guilty.

[JPC]

I do want to see a. See?

[Adal Refai]

Uh huh. Oh, wait, is it 12 men in brackets, angry of a jury.

[JPC]

I mean, JBC, you pretty much have it if you just. If you just sort of zoom out of men into maybe a more. A wider populace or.

[Adal Refai]

What if I zoom in on their members?

[Aaron Keefe]

12 marks on a jury. 12 guys named Mark.

[JPC]

It is 12 members of a jury. JPC got it right by using backward math. Anyone to see a scene.

[Adal Refai]

AKA Gematria.

[JPC]

JPC and Aaron, you are two members of a jury. Aaron, you are the one monkey of the jury. Jpc, you're just one of the regular humans who's on the jury, and you're trying to talk to the monkey to get them to agree to the verdict.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, look, you're the only holdout, okay? The other 10 people in there, they just want to go home.

[Aaron Keefe]

And he's innocent.

[Adal Refai]

He's not.

[Aaron Keefe]

He's innocent.

[Adal Refai]

He's. I mean, he's really. They. The state. I mean, look, I hate. I hate the whole process here as well, but the state painted a pretty compelling picture. I mean, this is a. This is a pretty violent guy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, yeah, Remind me, was there video evidence of him doing it? Was there a video of it? Yes.

[Adal Refai]

Unmistakable. They even brought in an expert saying it could not be a deepfake. There were eyewitnesses. He confessed, which I know technically got thrown out. We're not supposed to talk about that, but.

[Aaron Keefe]

Right, right.

[Adal Refai]

We all just want to go home. Look, this is like a really. It's a pretty clear. Don't you have a family that you want to get back to?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, yeah, of course. I just think he's innocent, and I'm standing on principle. The monkey's holding something behind his back.

[Adal Refai]

Hey, look, I see that you. I see that you have something behind your back. Okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

No.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's. I. You're a monkey. I'm a human. I'm like four feet taller than you. I could see. I could see kind of at this angle. You're holding something behind your back. Okay, do you not want to. Do you just not want to leave? What is it? What do you have back there?

[Aaron Keefe]

The. The defense handed me a banana. No, I swear, I don't take bribes. But We've been here three weeks. Are getting paid $15 a day. I. Come on, man, please.

[Adal Refai]

That's that. You know how many bananas you could buy with $15 a day?

[Aaron Keefe]

Innocent. Innocent.

[JPC]

We cut to two hours. Later. All right, this trial has been for 22 days. Has the jury reached a verdict?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, you, Honor.

[Adal Refai]

Yes, you, Honor. Sorry. Yes.

[JPC]

Which one is the foreman? Your Honor, which one is the.

[Adal Refai]

I'm the foreman.

[Aaron Keefe]

And I'm the foreman.

[Adal Refai]

This is the foreign monkey. You actually, you made both. I don't know why.

[JPC]

Really?

[Aaron Keefe]

Because I put up a stink. When you said foreman, I started to cry. Felt left out.

[Adal Refai]

That's right.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's right. Yes. Your Honor, we've come to a verdict.

[Adal Refai]

We've come to a verdict.

[Aaron Keefe]

And we, the people of the jury.

[Adal Refai]

And one monkey.

[Aaron Keefe]

And one monkey.

[JPC]

Thank you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Find the defendant innocent. And it pants to the jury. And we're all eating bananas.

[Adal Refai]

Guys. Guys.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, that's so dumb.

[Adal Refai]

What starts with P and ends in orn?

[JPC]

What starts with P?

[Aaron Keefe]

Popcorn.

[JPC]

Parmesan.

[Adal Refai]

Parmesan. Parmesan.

[Aaron Keefe]

Good Parmesan.

[JPC]

Welcome to Beverly. Here's some Parmesan.

[Adal Refai]

Welcome to Beverly Bagel. More Parmesan on your salad.

[JPC]

Welcome to Bainverly.

[Adal Refai]

Welcome to Bainverly. This is brain of Go to Berkeley.

[Aaron Keefe]

Say when. That's Bane as a waiter.

[JPC]

That's Bane working at Amaggiano's.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, my God.

[JPC]

Have you tried the tilapia?

[Aaron Keefe]

And you know, sometimes people give up on our episode at like the 40 minute mark, and they always miss out because this is the type of shit that happens towards the end of the episode.

[Adal Refai]

Did everyone leave room for tiramisu?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yay. I love it.

[Adal Refai]

I love it.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love it.

[JPC]

I do want to see a scene.

[Adal Refai]

Uh huh.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[Adal Refai]

Be careful.

[Aaron Keefe]

Be careful.

[JPC]

Aaron, you are walking in a wood. You come across the jpc, who is a lion and I am a bear.

[Aaron Keefe]

La la la la la la. Oh. Ooh, scary.

[Adal Refai]

Don't tell our wives.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, y.

[Adal Refai]

Maybe a little Brokeback Mountain situation going on out there.

[Aaron Keefe]

Being a little affair. Whatever.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, why not?

[JPC]

I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you are a cat. JPC is your kitten and you're teaching him to fish.

[Aaron Keefe]

Gotta be honest with you. This is mostly about getting out of the house.

[Adal Refai]

Shouldn't we have like, poles or like lures? It seems like you just have like a six pack of Amstel Light.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, and some peace and quiet. That's sort of all you need for this. So I used to bring the fishing rods out and stuff, but that's mostly just for show. Occasionally I'll reach down and use my claws to pull out like a koi fish. Expensive fish. But mostly I just drink my beer and I think about some of my exes.

[Adal Refai]

Should. Should I Should you be. Should I. Should I be privy to this? I mean, this seems like kind of like too much for, like, me, like a kitten, like, should.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're talking a lot for what this is.

[Adal Refai]

We don't talk.

[Aaron Keefe]

Do you want your iPad? Did you bring your iPad?

[Adal Refai]

No. You said we're going out to the lake. I didn't bring my iPad. Cause it's the. It's the lake.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can you imagine you're watching your little YouTube videos on your iPad And I'll just sit here, drink some beer and think of my exes.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could just kind of imagine it, like, repress this later. I guess I can just repress this later.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, you don't have to repress it. I don't. I like you.

[Adal Refai]

I'm definitely gonna want to do that. I'm definitely gonna want to repress this.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, no, no. You'll be fine. It's fine.

[Adal Refai]

Could you tell me about something your exes may. Maybe I get to know you better. We really don't have much time to ever. You know, I don't really know anything about you. That's a deep.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, I. I blew it with all of them. It was me. I was the problem. Probably still the problem with your mom, you know? And then in a couple years, I'll be sitting out here thinking about her on the boat, you know.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, I hope not. I mean, I don't wanna. I hope not.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Adal Refai]

I mean, for me, for my.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, I don't really appreciate things until they're gone. That's sort of my curse on this planet, you know?

[Adal Refai]

Well, maybe you could try to appreciate me while I'm here and we could fish together. Another deep sigh.

[JPC]

Amstel Light. Maybe your cats will drink it.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, we just got a sponsor request from Amstel Light and they denied it before I could clear.

[JPC]

They can't afford this, honestly.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, they can't afford it, I said also, they absolutely can. And for cheaper than you'd think.

[JPC]

That backfired. That bit backfired.

[Aaron Keefe]

An animal. And we learned this already, so nobody freak out. We already gave you this terrible news maybe 100 to 200 episodes ago. An animal that can orgasm for up to 90 minutes.

[Janet Varney]

I don't want to think about it. I don't think it's fair to bring that back up.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm sorry. I feel sorry.

[Janet Varney]

I don't think it's kosher to bring it back up. I know it's not kosher to bring it back up.

[JPC]

Let's take a Quick, break in. Casey, plug in that pig orgasm sound for the next hour.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, no, no, no. I have old man puzzle.

[Janet Varney]

She's in charge.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, just play the pig orgasm. Sou.

[Adal Refai]

Can we talk over it or is it.

[Janet Varney]

Are we talking over it right now?

[Aaron Keefe]

Please tell me we're talking over it.

[Janet Varney]

Please tell me we're doing something. Something to cut through the noise, teach its tone.

[JPC]

Let's all try and match its tone.

[Janet Varney]

I love, and I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but Ross, I think you're the person with gunk in your ears in the thing that what JPC was suggesting. You have gunk in your ears.

[JPC]

And Casey, turn up the pig orgasm in Ross's headphones. So if you're named Ross right now you are hearing an unbearable squeak.

[Adal Refai]

Ross is gonna need that really loud. Cause I'm gonna.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, it's bearable. It's bearable.

[JPC]

Aaron, why are you fanning yourself? Your cheeks are flushed.

[Aaron Keefe]

Let's not even joke about me being corny about it.

[Adal Refai]

If a pig can hear it for 90 minutes, y'all can hear it for the last 15 minutes of this episode. Okay? That's not up for debate.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm dying. I hate it.

[Adal Refai]

Casey, listen to me. Listen to me. I'm your boss. Make this episode two and a half hours long. @ the hour mark, our episode ends and then I want you to put a 90 minute chunk of big orgasm at the end.

[JPC]

So many people are gonna be like, ooh, a two and a half hour episode of Hayward.

[Aaron Keefe]

A riddle.

[JPC]

This must be something special treat.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, and Janet's there a really special episode. I can't wait. Here's my issue with that. Normally, maybe 100 episodes ago, I'd go, Casey, of course a 90 minute of a big orgasm to the end of the episode of pork.

[Janet Varney]

You've really matured.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you. Thank you. But I also think my level of self awareness. I have this overwhelming feeling that people are about to hit their wall with us. I think a lot of patience and goodwill are about to run out. And I think we're on the thinnest device. And I think that us in 2019, 2020, maybe could have gotten away with 90 minute pig orgasm. I don't think the goodwill for that. And I want to respect our listeners enough to know that we don't.

[Janet Varney]

What a beautiful speech. I hope there was a pig orgasm playing underneath that speech.

[Adal Refai]

Aaron, look around you.

[Janet Varney]

This is an auto so that it's playing the national anthem, but it's a pig orgasm.

[Aaron Keefe]

You just added two hours of work to Casey. I hope you're happy. Janet.

[Adal Refai]

I think the biggest problem that Casey's probably going to bring up in the edit on this episode is that there is no open source pig orgasm. Like, sure, there's plenty of YouTube.

[Aaron Keefe]

So Casey's gonna need to make a pig orgasm.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, Casey, we do a lot of work with talking on the podcast. Why don't you just make a 30 second pig orgasm sound and loop it? Casey, we'll know it's.

[Janet Varney]

The podcast is about altruism. It's about altruism for humanity. And if there isn't an open source pig orgasm out there and Casey, that's what your responsibility is.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's making me nervous that we don't see Casey typing. Did Casey?

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, Casey. Casey's typing into a different browse pig orgasm. Open source, not royalty free pig orgasm. 90 minute minimum royalty free pig orgasm.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm not reading what he said. I'm not reading what he said.

[Adal Refai]

So I'm going to read it.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm not reading it either.

[Janet Varney]

I'll read it.

[JPC]

Hey, here's what I'll say. I'll read it because it is very funny. Casey wrote fingers busy jacking this pig off.

[Aaron Keefe]

And let's go on a break.

[Adal Refai]

I like. That's me clapping.

[Aaron Keefe]

And we're back from that break. I hope anyone came back. I doubt it. I doubt it.

[Adal Refai]

I can tell you who came back as the pig.

[Aaron Keefe]

No. Okay, we're going on another break. All right.

[JPC]

Hey, everybody, we're back and I want to give a big shout out to our new audio editor. Please welcome Doreen. Doreen, say hi.

[Aaron Keefe]

All right, Doreen's dead.

[JPC]

Take a break. Take a break.

[Aaron Keefe]

And we're back from the final break. We're so sorry. Okay.

[Adal Refai]

Yes.

[Aaron Keefe]

Here we go.

[Adal Refai]

Hold on. Our old audio editor is back. Please welcome to the show. Our editor for the longest time, Piggy jerky. I mean, Jason, Tony. Hold on. Damn it.

[Aaron Keefe]

How I hate this. I hate this. I did the. It was the Barbra Streisand effect. I was trying to glaze over the pig orgasm. Oh, yeah.

[Adal Refai]

Don't say glaze.

[Janet Varney]

Don't say glaze.

[Aaron Keefe]

Glazed ham.

[Janet Varney]

Come on.

[Aaron Keefe]

And then I drew more attention to it. Oh, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate thinking about how we eat pigs. And also like an orgasm.

[Janet Varney]

And also, well, you don't have to eat pigs. That's the good news.

[JPC]

You would deny it a pig. Pleasure. Aaron. Disgusting.

[Aaron Keefe]

Guys, I actually. I am going to start gagging. All right, I Felt that. I felt my gag reflex started turn on. Oh, no, you guys, did I tell you I'm having a thing. No, no, no, Jupiter, I'm actually done. We're getting the hell out of here.

[Adal Refai]

No, Casey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Casey, please.

[Adal Refai]

He had that ready so fast. Oh, my God.

[JPC]

The best ep. The best EP we'll see at the potties, everyone.

[Aaron Keefe]

I hate this. Dang, I hate this.

[JPC]

Stopping it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Stopping it.

[JPC]

Stopping.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can we go after a break?

[JPC]

That might be my favorite episode of the I know. Aaron Keefe, are you ready?

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm very ready, thank you, Adel.

[JPC]

Your options are insanity defense. O melodious. And the third option is understanding big.

[Adal Refai]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, Adel. Aaron, there you are. Okay, this is. Oh, I was gonna say this is perfect, but if you're here, then I can't test my new where in the world is Adeline Aaron website.

[JPC]

Oh, the one you made with Squarespace? Yeah, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. So I mean, the premise of where in the world does Aaron and Adol is pretty simple. We have users submit things that they think smell like Aaron or look like Atoll, and then we use that to kind of triangulate your loc. And it's kind of like a fun game for people to play, but if you're here, the game kind of can't play it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, I'm trying to be supportive. And Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. It's like online courses, blogs, videos and memberships. Earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one time fee or a subscription for access. So you can like charge people to see.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. If you become a member, I send you like a big magnifying glass that you can use to like look for clues to like find your exact location.

[Aaron Keefe]

Weird. Cool though. I'm into it. I think.

[JPC]

Yeah. Almost as cool as Squarespace's design intelligence. Combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential, JPC Design Intelligence empowers anyone, including you, to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, and I kind of use that to kind of like craft like composites of what YouTube may look like based on all the smells and things that people are submitting. So that's. Yeah. What do you think, by the way, of your avatars?

[JPC]

Okay. I'm. It's my body with a wheel of cheese as a head.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love it.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. And with Squarespace email campaigns, all of the tools you need to engage your subscribers, drive sales and simplify your audience management. Set up automated emails to build connections while saving time. And easily integrate your products into email templates to drive sales and increase site traffic. So if someone submits one of your smells, I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smell out, look out. But for smells, for one of your.

[Aaron Keefe]

Smells, I'm into this. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Adal Refai]

Okay. Hey, look, I just got another. I got another email. Hold on. It's the same guy. Let me write back real quick. That is not what they smell like. Stop submitting it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Adol. Did you email him?

[JPC]

Yeah, sorry.

[Adal Refai]

We get a lot of this guy.

[Aaron Keefe]

You guys must see I'm looking a little smug today. I absolutely aced my Helix sleep quiz.

[JPC]

Oh, Aaron, you were up all night studying for that, right?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. And turns out I didn't need to. It was super easy and only took two minutes. And it paired me with a Midnight Lux, the best mattress I've ever slept on on my whole life.

[JPC]

And I was joking about you being up all night jpc and I checked on you and you were sound asleep.

[Aaron Keefe]

On my Helix mattress. Yeah.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. You can study in your dreams though. You know, I just had this thought the other day which is this is going to be a little scary and I don't mind scaring our listeners because I think that they can handle it. I've had my Helix mattress for four years. I was like, eventually I will get to buy another Helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going. I'm going to have multiple Helix mattresses in my lifetime. And I was like, looking forward to a new mattress. I have to wait a little while because four years is not enough time to change out your mattress. But it's going to happen. It's going to come for me eventually.

[Aaron Keefe]

I have a smart ring that I wear while I sleep and my sleep is going so well. I know you can't tell by my face because I have a very sleepy looking face, but I am a well rested lady.

[Adal Refai]

Aaron, how many hours a night you getting?

[Aaron Keefe]

40.

[JPC]

And Gemma and I have the best night's sleep of our lives on our Midnight Lux and all of our cats. Including our new fourth cat, Martini. Sleep on the bed together. And the amazing thing is, but also the dangerous thing is we have room on this huge bed for, I don't know, 10 more cats. And you gotta fill that space.

[Adal Refai]

You gotta fill that space. I was saying to someone this weekend how I will never go back from a king size. Once you have a king size mattress, it's game over. That's the lot. That's. You can never go smaller and I don't need to go bigger. But I'm thinking, you know, hey, man, one of these days, what if I get taller?

[Aaron Keefe]

Four kings. Four kings.

[JPC]

Four kings.

[Adal Refai]

So if you want to buy four king size mattresses and use our promo code, we'd absolutely love that. Right now you can get 20% off plus two free pillows for all mattress order, just go to helixsleep.com Riddle Aaron.

[JPC]

What'D you get on your sleep quiz?

[Aaron Keefe]

40 hours? No, sorry, Midnight Lux.

[Adal Refai]

I'm gonna have to look at this quiz, Aaron, because I just don't know you're doing it right.

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't know.

[JPC]

Ho, ho ho. Aaron, it's me, Boston Santa.

[Aaron Keefe]

Love it.

[JPC]

I'm back to tell you once again. Aura. Aura. About aura. Aura frame.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love it. Tell me all about it. I love aura frames.

[JPC]

Oh, good. From big events to the silly moments you capture every day. Like Santa eating a lobster roll, which I've downloaded into all your aura frames.

[Aaron Keefe]

I already had it. I already had it.

[Adal Refai]

That was a $35 lobster roll. Santa.

[JPC]

Doesn't it sometimes feel like all your favorite photos are just stuck on your camera roll? Well, wouldn't it be great to have in a easy way to share and enjoy them with friends and Bostonian family?

[Aaron Keefe]

Mm. Or. Frames are the best. Digital photo frames. They're so easy to use. They're so intuitive. You can send it to your old, old, old parents and they'll be able to set it up and have a bunch of photos they love circle through their homes. It looks so great.

[Adal Refai]

I like the one that we have in our house because my wife and I both have the app and so we'll change the pictures and upload them without, like telling the other one. And then you'll like, walk by and see like, a new photo that you hadn't seen before, which is really nice.

[JPC]

Of course I'm wearing a Santa's suit, but it's all Red Sox themed.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm in love.

[Adal Refai]

And if you want to fall in love, why don't you save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames by using promo code riddle at checkout. That's Aura A U R A frames.com, promo code RIDDLE R I D D L E. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

[JPC]

Aaron, did you want to go grab a cannoli?

[Aaron Keefe]

I will follow you anywhere on Maki.

[JPC]

And Donnie and Blitza and Joey.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm so happy and done at lgpc. I used all the money I saved using Rocket Money, where they canceled all the subscriptions that I wasn't using, to build a rocket that I'm going to take take to space.

[Adal Refai]

Okay, let me get this straight. You used all the money you saved by using Rocket Money, which is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings to build an actual rocket so you can take that rocket to space?

[Aaron Keefe]

That's exactly what I say.

[JPC]

Now, Rocket money has over 5 million users. Correct me if I'm wrong, Aaron. And has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all the app's features. But unlike those happy customers, you're going to go to space.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, I saved $740 this year, and that's why I'm going to go to space.

[JPC]

Okay, you're wearing a lampshade and sweatpants.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, I am.

[Adal Refai]

So Rocket Money, which has a dashboard that gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts, lets you easily create a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track. See your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money is going. And get alerts if bills increase in price, there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going up for budget, you use that exactly to save $720. And that $720.

[Aaron Keefe]

740.

[Adal Refai]

$740 has gone into a rocket. Yes, that you could take to space.

[Aaron Keefe]

And the lampshade's gonna help me breathe up there.

[JPC]

Okay, JPC and I are ready. Blast off Queen. We wanna watch it.

[Adal Refai]

Blast off Queen.

[JPC]

Blast off Queen.

[Aaron Keefe]

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com Ridd that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle R I D D L E Whoa.

[JPC]

JPC look, she's doing it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ten, nine.

[JPC]

Oh, wait.

[Aaron Keefe]

Eight.

[JPC]

She's still blasting.

[Aaron Keefe]

Seven.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, she's not.

[JPC]

She's running. She's just running in a circle.

[Adal Refai]

Money shape with rocket. But it should not be used to build a rocket to go to space. Go into space with Madden. Left shape will protect you in space.

[Aaron Keefe]

Don't bring up a life shape in space. We're gonna use a life shaped to cover our lamps.

[JPC]

Erin Kiefer went on a tree and then she hit her head on the tree and now she died. Bigfoot.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm gonna do insanity defense. Hello, everyone, I'm Erin Keith and I'm a defense attorney. And I'm here with Adil Refai who is a prosecutor. And the debate up for today on insanity defense. Our new public access TV show that we run is jpc. John Patrick Cohen from Indiana. Is that true?

[JPC]

Yes, he's from Indianapolis, Indiana. It says right here in his birth. Well, it's not a certificate. It's more of a birth shroud. It's sort of like the shroud of Turin, but with his face.

[Aaron Keefe]

Why is it glowing?

[JPC]

Clown makeup? I don't know. It's been doing that. Every time we say his name, it glows harder.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, well.

[Adal Refai]

And I am. And I am the judge.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, God. Okay, no.

[Adal Refai]

And I am the judge.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're covered in Greece. What is this grease? Okay, asked and answered, jpc. Actually, we hadn't introduced you yet, but now that you are out here, you are going to sit in the throne in the middle of the set and I am going to defend the fact that you are not insane. Wish you weren't covered in Greece. This is going to be a little hard. And Adel, you are going to prove that he is insane. And Whoever wins gets $100.

[JPC]

That's right. And you're not just going to be on trial for the two of us, jpc, you're going to be reviewed by a group of your peers. Now, what are peers? Peers are pretzels that we've dipped in beer. So all around the courtroom you'll see there's a big pile of piers. Those are pretzel soaked beers. Sorry, Those are beer soaked pretzels. The pretzel soaked beers did not turn out how we wanted them to.

[Aaron Keefe]

And next week ADOL will be in the hot seat.

[JPC]

Damn it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Of course. Where JPC and I will both decide.

[Adal Refai]

This is on me. Part of the reason I am so greasy is I did eat all of the beer pretzels. I totally misunderstood what this was, so I apologize.

[Aaron Keefe]

We are going to begin with our opening statements. We're going to flip a coin, Adam. You can call it. He ate the coin. He ate the coin.

[JPC]

Okay, let me.

[Adal Refai]

I thought it was a chocolate coin.

[JPC]

Let me call it. Let me call it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[JPC]

555-8234.

[Adal Refai]

Oh, my coin's ringing. Oh, boy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hello?

[JPC]

Yes, Is this the coin that was just swallowed by jpc?

[Aaron Keefe]

Where am I?

[JPC]

That's not important. We're gonna try and get you out.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's awful in here.

[Adal Refai]

I know.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God, there's live bees.

[JPC]

Ma'am, I know. This guy ate a shovel full of loose bees. I wanna say, like five years ago. Ma'am, can you tell us whether your heads or tail.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. The bee from the bee movies. Here. He's smoking and watching Seinfeld. He's smoking.

[JPC]

Holy shit.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, God, it's awful in here. Oh, God, kill me. Kill me.

[JPC]

Well, we can't do that. Can you just tell us if your heads are tails?

[Aaron Keefe]

That's gonna make a soul.

[JPC]

So I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the car.

[Adal Refai]

It should be no smoking down there. I've told him a million times, it's no smoking down there. It hurts my esophagus something fierce when they smoke down there.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, no, my phone's dying. Oh, God, kill me. Kill me.

[JPC]

Your honor, all of that took place inside of JPC's head just now. Of course, Aaron and I were silently standing while JBC undulated on the ground. And what we were able to project onto the TV using the head device JPC is wearing is what he thinks is happening head.

[Adal Refai]

Whoops. Go ahead and reconfigure this. So sorry, your honor.

[JPC]

No further questions.

[Aaron Keefe]

Great opening statements. I would like to counter with this argument. You know when someone steps on a nail and it causes a lot of damage and it goes through their foot and it's a quiet place. Yes, exactly.

[JPC]

Home alone.

[Aaron Keefe]

Exactly. What if it was a bed of nails and you laid down on it? The weight is distributed in such a way that those nails can't harm you anymore.

[Adal Refai]

What the hell is this hole? Am I a puppet? What is this hole? This is like a hand hole for a hand to go.

[Aaron Keefe]

Shush. Stop it.

[Adal Refai]

Sorry. I'll figure it out. Sorry, I'll figure it out later.

[JPC]

Your honor, JPC doesn't have legs. He's clearly a puppet.

[Aaron Keefe]

Excuse me, I am in the middle of my opening statements. If JPC was just one thing, a puppet, a menace to society, someone who has Jerry Seinfeld or the bee from Bee Movie watching Jerry Seinfeld. Inside of him. Yes. I'd be the first to argue that he is insane. But when all of these things come together, they shoot the moon.

[JPC]

Your honor, objection.

[Aaron Keefe]

Back around to normal.

[JPC]

Yes, your honor, objection. He doesn't have the bee from bee movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach. He has the bee from bee movie watching Seinfeld in his stomach while a quarter sings Amazing craze.

[Adal Refai]

Didn't taste like a quarter. Thank you for Tasted like a big nickel. Tasted like a big nickel.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you for proving my point. He's filled with money. He eats money. More than he spends money, more than he saves money. And if that was all he did, he would be insane. But that's not it, your honor.

[JPC]

Your honor, I'd like to call my first witness to the stand.

[Adal Refai]

Ah, look, we're getting pretty late in the day. Why don't we take lunch? Unzips backpack, pulls out a shoe, puts it on the table, pulls out another shoe, puts it on the table right next to the first shoe. Pulls out a big jar of peanut butter, unscrews the lid. Big knife inside of the peanut butter, spreads the peanut butter all over the first shoe, glues it to the side of head. Peanut butter on the second shoe, glues it to the other side. Ahead. And now I walk with by slamming my head onto the ground. Over to the subway case.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is that your witness, your honor, I rest my case. No, no. He might order something normal. Give him a chance. He might order something normal.

[Adal Refai]

I'm back. I'm back from. I'm back from my lunch. They did not have a cookie sub, so I did not eat at Subway today.

[JPC]

Your honor, he walked into Abbey Road Studios. That wasn't a deli.

[Aaron Keefe]

How about. Okay, okay, fine. I'll do my closing remarks. Is this guy a puppet? Probably. Did characters like JP Riddles and a guy that just got electrocuted come a little too naturally to him? Yes. Did he casually announce the birth of his first child in a Patreon episode several months after they were born? Of course. Of course. I can't argue against that. But this. This guy is actually. Look closer. A functioning member of society. This man is a homeowner. This man is a father. This man pays his taxes on time. He has a treadmill in his house. I think this is a functioning member of society. He's not. He's not just a guy with the bee from bee movie and a quarter sticking Amazing grace inside of him. He's a guy who has the B from B movie and a quarter. Singing maiden grace Inside of him who shows up to work on time.

[Adal Refai]

Thank you. Thank you, Aaron. Thank you. And a lot of people. I mean, look, I'm just me. I'm fleshing bones.

[JPC]

He's floating, your honor. He's floating.

[Adal Refai]

A lot of people have a skeleton inside of them because that's the bones they were born with. But I got a skeleton inside me because I ate a skeleton.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, adel, here's your $100.

[JPC]

You ate the bones? You ate the bones.

[Aaron Keefe]

You win. That one I love. And that I feel good about.

[JPC]

That's the new Roe versus Wade.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is it?

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. They'll overturn that one, too.

[JPC]

Just as important.

[Aaron Keefe]

Goddamn.

[JPC]

I do want to see a scene. Let's say, jpc, you are a renegade goat. And, Aaron, you and I are just like regular goats. And JPC has come back from maybe, like, a ayahuasca trip or something. And that's why he's got this new renegade personality. Good grass today, huh?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. So good. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Adal Refai]

Is that Chester?

[Aaron Keefe]

Is he wearing a leather coat?

[JPC]

Whoa.

[Adal Refai]

Chester kinda couldn't quite. Couldn't quite get it on. That'll make these for goats. What's up, nerds? What's up, sheeple?

[JPC]

Not much, Lester.

[Adal Refai]

What are you guys eating? Grass.

[JPC]

Yeah, hillside grass. Can you take off your sunglasses?

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, I can choose not to. I'm having Takis. You guys ever had Takis?

[JPC]

No. What's a Taki?

[Adal Refai]

Dude, I can't even.

[Aaron Keefe]

What are you talking about?

[Adal Refai]

All right. What's up, Melissa? Kind of a new side to you I haven't ever seen before.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, yeah. I'm just doing goat stuff this morning. Chester, what are you up to? Is that a little tattoo on your hoof?

[Adal Refai]

Oh, is this a tattoo on my hoof? Oh, that's right. I got wasted last night and got a goat tattoo.

[JPC]

What makes it a goat tattoo?

[Adal Refai]

Tattoo that they give a goat. I got it on my hoof. Because that's the. I don't think we have, like, nerve endings there also. It's just. Yeah, it's like black on black. So it's like, that really easy to show up, but. But you know, it's a goat tattoo. Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

You know, yesterday when you fainted in front of the whole herd, you seem to kind of, like, run away embarrassed, sort of crying. Like a goat.

[Adal Refai]

Nah.

[Aaron Keefe]

And then now you have a leather jacket and a tattoo.

[Adal Refai]

Wasn't me, actually. Maybe. Actually, I fainted or, like, kind of fell down because of how up I was on ayahuasca. Don't know if you guys have ever had ayahuasca before? Ever heard of that before?

[Aaron Keefe]

The drug.

[Adal Refai]

Okay, Going on with you, Melissa? Damn.

[JPC]

What's going on?

[Aaron Keefe]

I read a book. I know we're not supposed to.

[Adal Refai]

Melissa.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm sorry.

[JPC]

Hey. Hey, honey. Melissa, honey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. What's up?

[JPC]

We're happily married, right? I mean, every morning we graze on the hillside, and then we fall asleep, we wake up, we graze some more, we fall asleep. We graze some more, we fall asleep.

[Aaron Keefe]

I haven't been sneaking into the house and reading.

[JPC]

Oh.

[Aaron Keefe]

Trying to get an idea.

[Adal Refai]

Go for Chester. Oh, yeah. Okay. What do they say?

[Aaron Keefe]

Bluetooth headset?

[Adal Refai]

No. If it's not points on the back end, I'm not interested. I'm not. I. I don't. I don't. I don't get out of bed for more than four points.

[Aaron Keefe]

Points on the back end until Alpechino.

[Adal Refai]

He can deal my goat ass.

[Aaron Keefe]

Does he have human money at his disposal?

[JPC]

He's pacing back and forth on two hooves.

[Adal Refai]

Why don't you just call me Jeff when you've got it done? Okay. What do I pay you for? Sorry about that, guys. That's my agent.

[Aaron Keefe]

Whoa.

[JPC]

For what?

[Adal Refai]

Oh, I mean, just, like, he technically does commercial stuff, but he's trying to, like, branch out, and now he's, like, doing movie. You know, whatever. But, like, he's solid on the commercial stuff. I'm gonna let him run with it because it's, like, you know, it's his bag, too.

[Aaron Keefe]

But, Chester, you've changed. New job, new tattoo, new haircut. Short on the sides, long on the top.

[JPC]

Well, you dropped these tickets. What is tickets? Amy Grant Christmas special, Grand Ole Opry. How are you affording Amy Grant tickets?

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, one of these has my name on it. Chester.

[JPC]

Melissa.

[Adal Refai]

No. Well, it was supposed to be a Christmas surprise. But, Chaz, if you look at the other ticket, it's got your name on it.

[JPC]

Oh, I can't read. So. I mean, I can't read either.

[Adal Refai]

This is what the guy told me. Melissa could read. That seems like bigger news, right?

[JPC]

Hey, real quick. These are Amy Grant tickets for the Grand Ole Opry, right?

[Adal Refai]

Well, that's what they smell like.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, but I don't know how. I know how to read.

[Adal Refai]

We could smell.

[JPC]

I can Intuit scene.

[Aaron Keefe]

That was a renegade goat, y'all.

[JPC]

Jbz, we're coming back to you. Are you ready for your next three?

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, I'm ready, sister.

[JPC]

Who presents Blood Squad tv. What the hell was that?

[Adal Refai]

We're gonna do what the hell was that? Welcome back to what the Hell Was that? I'm Rick Mixley. This is the only show where we interview people who just got hit by a car. Excuse me, ma'am, what is your name? Ma'am, I need your name. Ma'am, I need your name. What is your name?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my name is Carla. Ow. Can you.

[Adal Refai]

Carla, can you name. Can you name all four members of the Beastie Boys?

[Aaron Keefe]

Carla, for $100, was it you. Did you hit me with your car and then run out and put a microphone in my face?

[Adal Refai]

Five, four, three, two. The Beastie. I'm sorry, Carla. No. The Beastie Boys.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ow.

[Adal Refai]

Carla, what's 10 times 10?

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, 8. 5. F4.

[JPC]

Get out of the fucking road.

[Adal Refai]

Karla, we're gonna need your answer. 8 times 5 plus 4 times 4.

[Aaron Keefe]

Don't say numbers. I'm trying to remember your license plate. F80. Five times ten.

[Adal Refai]

Carla, do you know who is president right now? Carla, do you know who is president right now?

[Aaron Keefe]

The Beastie Boys. The Beastie Boys.

[Adal Refai]

Who was president 100 years ago today?

[Aaron Keefe]

The Beatles.

[Adal Refai]

Carla, what is the tallest building in Dubai? Tallest building in Dubai.

[Aaron Keefe]

You hit me with your car.

[Adal Refai]

All right, Carla, unfortunately, we are looking at the board, and you have lost. I'm sorry, Carla, you have lost.

[Aaron Keefe]

Take me to the hospital.

[Adal Refai]

Have a good day. We don't have that. I'm Rick Mixley. She said it. I'm Rick Mixley. She said it. All right. Hey, everybody, it's Rick Mixley. I'm back in the studio. Just wanted to announce Carla did not make it. She died from injuries sustained at the scene of the accident. Let's have a moment of silence for Carla. I'm Rick Dixie. We're back with. What the hell happened? This guy just got hit by a fucking car. Sir, what is your name?

[JPC]

Oh, my. My back.

[Adal Refai]

Sir, your name is your name my back. Sir, what is your name?

[JPC]

No, no. My name is Ryan Black.

[Adal Refai]

Ryan Black, you are our next contestant, Ryan Black, how many feet away from the moon is the sun?

[JPC]

A thousand.

[Adal Refai]

What's Santa Claus birthday? Ryan Black.

[JPC]

December 25th.

[Adal Refai]

That's Jesus birthday.

[JPC]

No, wait.

[Adal Refai]

He then gives gifts.

[JPC]

He wouldn't give gifts on his birthday. June 1st.

[Adal Refai]

Ryan Black. How many blankets are in a standard hotel bed? Four. Ryan, you are not doing well, my man. And that's not just because you just got hit by a car. It's because you're really bad at this game. Ryan, you have an X, a V, an R, a S, a T, a U and a W. Do you want to solve the puzzle?

[JPC]

Uh, Ad Rock, Mike D. Um, who's the third?

[Adal Refai]

Hey, everybody, this is Rick Mixley.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's Rick with my car. Hey, I'm Carla's sister. Hey, what's your name? What's your name?

[Adal Refai]

Rick Mixley.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, is it Rick Mixley or is that a stage name? You.

[Adal Refai]

No, my name is Mick Rixley.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know I would have never made.

[Adal Refai]

It Hollywood with a name like Mick Rixley.

[JPC]

Hey, everybody, this is Billy Eichner. I just want to say that I'm glad that Rick Mixley got hit. He tried to present me with a new show called Billy in the street.

[Aaron Keefe]

And I said, billy Eichner in that car. What is your name?

[Adal Refai]

For a dollar? Billy for a dollar, what is your name?

[JPC]

Scene, scene, scene.

[Adal Refai]

All right, small meme or large? You go to the grocery store and it's absolutely packed. You struggle to find parking. When you enter the store, it's chaos. There are people running around pushing and shoving, and an employee doing their best to clean up an absolutely destroyed fresh fruit display. You ask them what's going on, and they say, everyone's trying to get these new baked beans. Baked beans, you say. What's so special about baked beans? The employee tells you that they're absolutely crazy. Apparently, they taste like nothing you've ever had before. They say they're life changing, but good luck getting them. They're completely sold out, and they hope they never get another delivery. They go back to cleaning up their mess. You finish shopping and you're checking out. The lines are incredibly long and there's only two lanes open. As you're waiting in line that stretches back into the aisle, a person pretends to be reaching over you to grab something on the shelf. And then they sneak their cart in front of you. You tell them, nice try, but they can't cut the line. They get indignant and start to yell to make a big scene. But you keep your calm and tell them to get to the back of the line. They make a big scene of turning their cart around and they knock into yours. And when you go to the checkout, you notice that one of their items must have spilled into your cart. It's that new kind of baked beans. You figure, why not? And you load it onto the conveyor belt to have it scanned. But when it is scanned, you notice that the screen says that they're charging $100 for a can. You tell the cashier that there's a mistake and those aren't yours. And then they lower their voice a little and they ask you if you're sure? They say that the rumor is that Congress is going to ban them soon, and this might be your only chance to try this. They say the baked beans are insane, and you'd have to be insane to miss this opportunity. You aren't sure about it, but you don't want to miss out. So you agree to pay the $100 for the beans. On the way to your car, a man calls out to you. He says he was in line behind you and he overheard your conversation. He can tell that you weren't really sold on the beans, but he'll give you $200 cash right now to take them off your hands. He's right. You don't even know if you want to try the beans. So you agree to the deal. He reaches into his wallet to hand you the cash. Small, medium or large? What denomination do you think these bills are in?

[JPC]

What a roller coaster. Jpc. Do you mind reading this one again? And as you can see, the sloth will take its time coming towards the food here. And just lay your hand real flat. Just lay your hand very flat. The sloth is going to grab that.

[Aaron Keefe]

Whoa.

[JPC]

And once again, I'm going to ask everyone here in the meet and greet audience if you are on drugs, please do not come near the sloth. The sloth can.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, you could tell.

[JPC]

I can't. But the sloth can sense it. It is a preternatural ability of the sloth to be able to detect drugs and it will drive him insane. So just make sure no one has drugs.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, I'm not on drugs.

[Adal Refai]

Isaac, a question. I asked a question for the sloth or demand for the sloth? Isaac. Question is for. In terms of drugs, what is not or is what it is may be is to having drinks. If you bought legal alcohol drinks at the Zoo bar.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sorry. What my husband's trying to say is if the orange juice you had had too much mimosa in it at the Zoo bar.

[Adal Refai]

I buggy love this woman so much because she absolutely reads my mind when it comes to this stuff.

[Aaron Keefe]

Babe.

[Adal Refai]

Baby.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Any other questions?

[Aaron Keefe]

How does. How does the sloth. How does the sloth know. How does the sloth know when it's in love?

[JPC]

That is a great question. Now, if you're talking about a three toed sloth.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know. And I was in love middle One day, one second, one week, one year one.

[Adal Refai]

She's gonna tell the story she's gonna tell.

[JPC]

If you say second one, you don't have to go into minute hour, day, week. No, that's all. That's all implied.

[Adal Refai]

Do we replace orders for more mimosas through you or does a waiter come by or does a bar come by?

[Aaron Keefe]

More mimosas.

[JPC]

Sorry, the mimosas are only available in our boa bar, which is of course the snake themed restaurant and grill.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm going to tell the story. I was on a Ferris wheel, like movie the Notebook and I was on the Ferris wheel and I didn't think I needed the seatbelt and I fell off. I broke my neck. Three years later. Three years, I'm at a Nordstrom rack and I see a handsome man and he's buying pants. And I go, why do you need pants? You cover up your butt that good. And he laughed and he introduced me to his brother and that's my husband. You're. One second one middle one. One week one.

[JPC]

I'm sorry. You fell off a Ferris wheel and broke your neck and lived.

[Adal Refai]

What a life it is. She thrived. She thrived.

[JPC]

Oh, you're. You're the. You're the special guy, huh?

[Adal Refai]

Husband man. When you listen to the story, I got the hottest brother in the world. World.

[JPC]

You've got the hottest brother in the world. Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

I saw the brother Nordstrom rack and hit on him. And then he introduced me to his brother. And now we get the most upset of Snake Room. We get the most at the Snake Room.

[Adal Refai]

My brother's married. He's a good guy. He would never throw away what he's got with Catherine. Just first, you know, just a chance encounter in the North American. We were actually there buying pants because all of my pants got stolen because I was involved in a cryptocurrency fraud.

[JPC]

So again, this is mostly for kids. For the kids. Does anybody enjoy this?

[Adal Refai]

They were talking. All the kids are as silent as a little church moose.

[JPC]

Any kids here a fan of bluey?

[Aaron Keefe]

These church mooseies, these are church moosies.

[JPC]

Anybody like bluey? I see a few hands. Now what we have here is a. Well, it's a dog. We've dyed blue.

[Adal Refai]

I don't mean to speak tins out of Tron, but my wife gives some of the best blueies that I've ever had in my life. I'm sorry.

[Aaron Keefe]

The good not great. I have a friend, she get great ones. I. I get good ones.

[Adal Refai]

No, you never had a bluey from a woman with a broken neck before. Is all worth it, baby.

[Aaron Keefe]

And my husband gives the best bandit and bingos this side of Australia. A round of mimosas for the whole children, please.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah, mimosa for the children too, because it's just horseshoe.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey. Hey, Mikey. Hey. Hey.

[JPC]

Hey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, buddy.

[Janet Varney]

Hey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey. Oh, my God. Hi. Oh, my God. Are you eating a tuna sandwich? Smells so good. Would love that. Been craving that. You know how you told me to come with you? Come to you, not with you, with only good news? Because I sort of classic fuck up here at the zoo. Mikey, you know what I'm talking about. You know how normally I would only come to you with good news?

[Adal Refai]

I get 15 minutes a day to eat my tuna sandwich. Just 15 minutes and that's all. I'm just trying to eat my tuna sandwiches. 15.

[Aaron Keefe]

And Mikey, I considered the timing of this and I made a calculated choice. And I decided that if once you find out what I'm going to tell you, you're going to be glad I interrupted. The tuna. The tuna 15. The tuna 15.

[Adal Refai]

The tuna thing. Don't. Don't say it. Don't keep saying it like that. It's nothing. What's it, a play? What did you do, Janet? What did you do?

[Aaron Keefe]

Did I. Did I do the implications that I did something, and in this time it would be correct. But it also is sort of a bit of a mystery to be solved in a way, Mikey. There's sort of a game afoot currently here at the zoo. Mr. Mikey, sir, can I have your pickle?

[Adal Refai]

No, it's in the sandwich.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God.

[Adal Refai]

But it's chopped up pickle in the sandwich.

[Aaron Keefe]

It is in the sandwich and it is calling my name. Can I just. Get your fingers.

[Adal Refai]

Janet, get your fingers out of my. Okay. Take it. It's yours. It's yours. I don't want it now.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, I just get nervous when I eat or. No, that's what I meant to say. The opposite of which is I eat when I'm nervous. Mikey, you do both. Afternoon.

[JPC]

Huh?

[Adal Refai]

I've seen you do both.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hump day. Am I right?

[Adal Refai]

It's Thursday.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thursday. Yeah, it's Thursday. Yes, I know. And that I do know. But you can hump any day of the week if you're doing good.

[Adal Refai]

No, stop. I'm your boss. You can't say stuff like that to me.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know. And this I actually.

[Adal Refai]

You took a three hour.

[Aaron Keefe]

I took several classes. Three hours over three days. One hour each day.

[Adal Refai]

Good.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hr.

[Adal Refai]

No, it was supposed to be three hours each day.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, but I sort of got overwhelmed with the amount of information that they. Let me sort of parse it out. Anyways, Mikey, any plans for the weekend? That's not why I'm here. Mikey, something did happen, and it did happen so fast. And it is currently still happening. And that's the tune of 15.

[Adal Refai]

No, that's nothing. The 2 to 15 is nothing.

[Aaron Keefe]

Please, can't it be, though? And speaking of things being nothing, I'm so sorry about just the last couple months. I know I was sort of a risk hire for you. A risk? You called it. And I know that I've not been up to your standard or anyone's standards, really. Yeah. Yes, and I want to apologize for that. And I will have something more to apologize once you find out. Oh, what happened.

[Adal Refai]

I was. Jennifer, I would love for you just to tell me what you did. Okay. We don't need to relitigate everything.

[Aaron Keefe]

God, is that a Diet Coke? Can I have the one sip? I'm sort of crashing.

[Adal Refai]

I just opened it. You just heard me open the Diet Coke.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[Adal Refai]

Yeah. You know what? If it gets us faster, Go ahead and take. Go ahead and take. No, this. 2 to 15 is nothing. Take a sip.

[Aaron Keefe]

Do you like my haircut? I hate it. I hate my haircut. Do you like it?

[Adal Refai]

What am I supposed to say? I don't know. I. I don't know. I don't know if I like. I need more time to sit with it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Buzzing. It's hard to give you dues like this when you are in such a intense mood. Take a deep breath. It'll be five when you find out what happened.

[Adal Refai]

I just need you to tell me what happened at the zoo. Please, Janet, just tell me what happened. At this point, I don't even think you're gonna be in trouble. I know that you're not well equipped. You're newish here. It's probably not your fault. I just didn't know what happened, so I need to know how to respond to it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is a pain in your heart a panic attack because of what you did at the zoo? Or could it be a heart attack? Or could it be a heartburn from the pickles in the Diet Coke?

[Adal Refai]

You put pickles in the Diet Coke?

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, where else am. I'm on the go. I'm trying to finish it.

[Adal Refai]

Finish it, Finish it. Where else am. Finish it.

[Aaron Keefe]

I gotta. Where else am I gonna put the pickles? Ahmed? The 2 to 15.

[Adal Refai]

And you know the 2 to 15.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. Could you open a window, Mikey? How do you breathe in here? Mikey?

[Adal Refai]

We're on a patio. There's a patio. There's no windows. We're on a patio.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh, my God. I would love if I had a pool. Do you have a pool?

[Adal Refai]

I. I see.

[Aaron Keefe]

After work today, I see what you're doing.

[Adal Refai]

You're eyeing the polar bear exhibit, and you cannot go in that pool.

[Aaron Keefe]

I would love to.

[Adal Refai]

But you can't. But you just can't because the. Because the polar bear is in there, and it would not respond well to a person being in there.

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't know. Clarice gets to go in there. Polar bear trainer, my fucking ass. Fuck her. I didn't mean that.

[Adal Refai]

Janet. Janet.

[Aaron Keefe]

I learned to not say that in that class I took. I'm really, really sorry. All right, I'll come out and say it. I'll just say it. It's the tune of 15. This is the sacred time of day. I will just say what happened. You and I love each other. We're best friends. We're close. There's sort of a flirty vibe between you and me.

[Adal Refai]

No, Janet, you have to take the class again. You're gonna have to take the class.

[Aaron Keefe]

So boring. It's three hours that I only go to an hour of. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll say it. I could say it. It's easy to say, but it's so weird when you start to be aware of the stuff that you're saying and you're like, oh, I am a robot. I am talking Windsworth.

[Adal Refai]

Uh, no, you can't get in trouble, okay? Your dads are the owners.

[Aaron Keefe]

Write it down.

[Adal Refai]

Absolutely. What's that?

[Aaron Keefe]

Write down that I can't get in trouble.

[Adal Refai]

It won't matter. Okay, fine. I will. Do you have a pen?

[Aaron Keefe]

I have a Diet Coke.

[Adal Refai]

That's my Diet Coke. Well, here, I'll just. I'll do it in Diet Coke. I'll get it a little on my finger. You finished the whole Diet Coke? There's no Diet Coke left.

[Aaron Keefe]

No. You know what? Verbal agreement. I cannot get in trouble.

[Adal Refai]

You won't get in trouble because your dad's own the place. So.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can't. Won't. Chant. Wouldn't. Couldn't. The tuna. 15. The lions are loose. I let the lions out. They're loose. Hello, I am Claudia Peterson coming to you at the top of the hour from the Columbus Zoo. I am here because there are several lions loose here at the zoo. We are unsure of how they got out. I think they got out during the tune of 15 earlier this afternoon. We will be coming to you for the rest of the night. Live coverage here at the zoo. We don't know if they're still on the premises. We don't know if they managed to wander into downtown Columbus, but we have all of our best guys on it and we will be bringing you information as it comes in.

[JPC]

That's right, Stephanie. And I am here on the interstate. Right outside the zoo were several ostrich. Is that right? Ostrich. Ostriches. Ostriches. Several ostriches.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ostriches.

[JPC]

Several ostriches have brought traffic to a screeching halt with some eggs being laid on the hoods of cars.

[Aaron Keefe]

So what I'm hearing is there are multiple animals loose from the zoo today. This must be a PR crisis for them. They must be freaking out. Oh, actually, I have the head of the zoo here. Hello. Do you have time for an interview, sir?

[Adal Refai]

Oh, God. That's a severed head. Cut away. Cut away, cut away, cut away.

[JPC]

Thanks, Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie.

[Adal Refai]

The lion is batting around the head of. It looks like one of the owners. I think that that's Joe, one of the owners of the zoo. It looks like a lion has ripped his head off.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh my God.

[JPC]

Oh boy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh my God. I'm back to the studio.

[Adal Refai]

Created by Adol Refy starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing and Marty Perrin did the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naboris. Hey there.

[JPC]

Oink, oink, oink.

[Adal Refai]

And.

[Aaron Keefe]

God, this sucks.

[Adal Refai]

If you like that, you are gonna love this week's Patreon. It's our out of context clips. Bracket it. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon. Com. Hey, riddle, riddle. By joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[JPC]

That was a Headgum podcast.