#336: Best of 2024 Part 2

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle - Episode #336: Best of 2024 Part 2

Release Date: December 25, 2024
Hosts: Aaron Keenan, John Patrick Coan (JPC), Erin Keif (Adol)
Platform: Headgum

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Introduction

In the festive holiday spirit, the trio of Chicago's finest improvisers—Aaron Keenan, John Patrick Coan (JPC), and Erin Keif (Adol)—bring listeners Part 2 of their end-of-year "Best of 2024" episodes. Packed with laughter, memorable moments, and their trademark witty banter, this episode serves as a delightful recap of the year's most amusing riddles, scenes, and behind-the-scenes antics.

Recap of Favorite Moments

The episode kicks off with the hosts reminiscing about their favorite highlights from 2024. Aaron humorously laments the time he spent crafting the first part, expressing vulnerability:
“Don't tell me. It'll hurt my feelings. I spent so many hours on it.” (02:26)

JPC chimes in with a playful jab about their recording mishaps:
“We're standing outside waiting to carol at someone's house. Why are we also recording an intro to best of two?” (01:53)

Adol contributes with a quirky memory:
“Is this something? Can we use. Am I a host now?” (03:24)

Despite minor mishaps, the hosts celebrate the year's successes, sharing laughs over eccentric moments like monkeys on a jury and absurd riddle scenarios.

Memorable Improvisational Scenes

Throughout the episode, the hosts engage in a series of improvisational sketches that highlight their comedic prowess:

1. Church Chaos:

   • Timestamp: 12:04 – 16:05
   • The trio portrays a chaotic church scenario where JPC plays a priest grappling with new, bizarre commandments, while Adol handles unexpected disruptions. Aaron's commentary adds another layer of humor:
     “Maybe you're just horny and you're kind of looking for a sign.” (13:29)

2. Lobster Bisque Fiasco:

   • Timestamp: 66:15 – 71:24
   • Adol hosts an event centered around soup distribution, leading to misunderstandings and humorous tensions over portions. The exchange captures their quick wit:
     “She has to leave.” (68:51)
     “I did not make more. I did not know you all would be flying through that.” (71:28)

3. Penguin Baseball Madness:

   • Timestamp: 60:44 – 66:15
   • The hosts dive into a fictional Penguin Baseball League featuring Wild Style, the Horny Penguin. Their playful commentary on his antics keeps listeners entertained:
     “He is actively trying to get all their numbers.” (61:32)
     “Wildstyle got that point. It seems like that's fine.” (59:05)

4. Survivor Daydream Fantasies:

   • Timestamp: 24:09 – 27:36
   • The hosts fantasize about their ideal moments on the reality show "Survivor," blending personal anecdotes with absurd twists. JPC muses:
     “I just want to refer to her as Rachel. Everything else would be exactly the same.” (25:23)

Interactive Riddles and Audience Engagement

A standout segment features Aaron presenting a challenging riddle:
“Three men each had a cup of coffee. Each man put an odd number of lumps of sugar in his coffee. 12 in total. 3 men, 12 lumps. How many lumps of sugar did each man take?” (17:59)

Despite their best efforts, the hosts humorously fail to solve it immediately, leading to improvised dialogues that showcase their chemistry and comedic timing:

• JPC's playful frustration:
  “This can't be how the podcast works.” (18:31)
• Aaron's self-deprecating humor:
  “This is hard. Why can't I get this?” (18:37)

The riddle's solution—“The first man took one, the second man also took one, and the third man took ten.”—circulates laughter as Aaron reacts with mock anger over the simplicity of the answer.

Behind-the-Scenes Banter

Interspersed between sketches, the hosts share candid moments and gentle ribbing:

• Adol teases JPC about his obsession with Hostless shows:
  “He works on both shows. You could make ours good, too.” (05:14)
• JPC's mock exasperation with Adol's headphone antics:
  “I want to see a scene.” (05:15)

These interactions add depth to their camaraderie, making listeners feel like part of their close-knit team.

Notable Quotes

• Aaron Keenan (02:35):
  “Everybody, what was your favorite moment from 2024?”

• JPC (03:32):
  “No, this is laterally from here.”

• Adol (04:12):
  “Uncle Mumble's Haunted Mansion.”

• Aaron Keenan (18:56):
  “The first man took one, the second man also took one, and the third man took ten.”

• JPC (22:54):
  “I want to see a scene.”

• Erin Keif (Adol) (35:47):
  “Nice fucking try.”

Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the year's journey with humor and humility. Aaron pledges improvement for the next year, despite his playful admission of not believing it himself:
“next year will be better than 2024. But this is. What? This is better.” (04:33)

They extend heartfelt thanks to their listeners, inviting them to join the Clue Crew on Patreon for exclusive content:
“You do so well. You know, so many memories, such a great, fun year. And I'm glad I got to spend it with my three favorite co-hosts.” (04:33)

Closing Remarks

Episode #336 of Hey Riddle Riddle masterfully blends reflective discussions, improvisational comedy, and interactive riddles, all while showcasing the unique dynamic of its hosts. Whether you're a longtime fan or a newcomer, this festive episode offers a humorous and insightful look back at 2024, promising even more laughter and riddles in the years to come.

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Note: Patreon promotions and other advertisements present in the transcript have been omitted to focus solely on the episode's content, as per the listener's request.

Transcript

[Aaron Keenan]

This is a headgun podcast.

[JPC]

Lights are going up. Snow is falling down. There's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere. Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. At participating McDonald's for a limited time. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane kid. I horse the same Friday.

[Aaron Keenan]

You there, boy? What day is today?

[JPC]

I'm showering.

[Adol]

Which boy?

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. Hey, Adel. Janet. Jpc. Guys, can you just. I just talk to me really quick. I just accidentally. It's fine, guys.

[JPC]

You just left that hotel room.

[Aaron Keenan]

Merry Christmas, guys.

[JPC]

And to each and every all good men and women Christmas goose.

[Aaron Keenan]

Thanks, Janet. And Merry Christmas to you too, buddy.

[JPC]

Merry goose to you. Adol, you silly.

[Aaron Keenan]

Everybody, this is part two of our end of year best of episodes. What did everyone think of part one? Don't tell me. It'll hurt my feelings. I spent so many hours on it. You guys, this is weird.

[JPC]

We're standing outside waiting to carol at someone's house. Why are we also recording an intro to best of two?

[Adol]

Oh yeah, let me called habit stacking. Let me knock on the door here.

[JPC]

So 2024.

[Adol]

Hello. What's all this? What's this? Who are you?

[Aaron Keenan]

I saw three chimps come sailing in on Christmas on Christmas Day.

[JPC]

We should rehearse.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey rig doom.

[JPC]

We should have talked about this day in the morning.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, guys. This is another week of all pig. Org. But you knew what show you were listening to. I'm not gonna apologize for anything I never do.

[JPC]

No, why would you?

[Aaron Keenan]

Everybody, what was your favorite moment from 2024? Hey, riddle riddle. No, you're equal parts of this now, sir, what was everyone's favorite moment of hey Riddle Riddle? Either main feed or Patreon in 2024? Cause we got some Patreon content on this episode as well. I'd love to hear first from the.

[JPC]

Naked guy with the open robe.

[Adol]

Well, this is gonna sound crazy. I was visited by three ghosts last night.

[Aaron Keenan]

We don't have time for this. We're trying to talk about our show.

[Adol]

Okay, very good.

[JPC]

Honestly though, that does sound like every hay Riddle Riddle scene starts like the stardust, right? This guy knows. This guy gets it. By the way, dynamite dong.

[Adol]

Oh, my dog. Yep, I entered it in the Westminster Dong show. Is that something? Can we use. Am I a host now?

[Aaron Keenan]

This is not on par with the rest of the content in this episode. You guys, it gets better from here, actually. Does it? No, this is laterally from here.

[Adol]

Honey, come here. I'm crushing on a podcast. Honey, no. I forgot my wife died. Welp, I'm gonna shut the door.

[JPC]

Oh, boy.

[Aaron Keenan]

Meanwhelp. Guys, this year had all the most iconic parts.

[JPC]

Deck the whole. Hey, Riddle Riddle. FA la la la la la. No, the door's closed. You don't have to do it when the door opens and closes. Just when it opens.

[Aaron Keenan]

We had JPC playing a video montage. I had a meltdown about a sugar riddle. There were monkeys on a jury. JPC was horny as a duck. Adol was a bean on a spaceship.

[Adol]

That can't be right.

[Aaron Keenan]

The tuna 15.

[JPC]

This sounds completely made up.

[Aaron Keenan]

And this is all real stuff.

[Adol]

Uncle Mumble's Haunted Mansion.

[Aaron Keenan]

Penguin baseball and other things. And next year, we promise to do better. I know we keep saying that, and I know it's a lie, but next year will be better than 2024. But this is. What? This is better.

[JPC]

50% more pig orgasms. Yay. Oh, no. Sorry, sorry. I know that no one likes to hear that, but we do so well. You know, so many memories, such a great, fun year. And I'm glad I got to spend it with my three favorite co hosts. And Casey as well. It was truly a pleasure.

[Aaron Keenan]

Aw. And Casey, what do you. Anything you want to say, Casey?

[Adol]

Sorry, I was just listening to better podcasts and my other headphones.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wow.

[Adol]

Did you guys need me for anything?

[Aaron Keenan]

And I get that, bud.

[Adol]

Wow.

[JPC]

No. Go back to listening to Gutter Casey.

[Aaron Keenan]

Whatever.

[JPC]

You work on both shows. You could make ours good, too. That's always an option for you.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, we're gonna go have Christmas feast with Wild Style the Horny Penguin. But we hope you have a blessed day and a blessed new year.

[Adol]

And Teeny Janet, did you want to send us off with a hopeful message?

[Aaron Keenan]

Teeny Janet?

[Adol]

Sort of like.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, like something about San Francisco Sketchfest.

[Adol]

Oh, yeah. Sort of like earlier. Sort of like a Tiny Tim character. But I figured I'd call you Teeny Janet. Just so Dickens. The Dickens estate doesn't suit.

[JPC]

Got it. If you rip open this Christmas goose, you'll find. Hey, Riddle Riddle at SF Sketchfest covered.

[Aaron Keenan]

In goose innards at the gateway Theater.

[JPC]

At 4pm Saturday, January 18, for two gold pieces.

[Adol]

Wow, that's actually a lot. I've. Gold is probably, I'd say, an expensive $36 an ounce.

[JPC]

Yeah, this is a. It's an expensive city. This is a ripped up goose too. So that's inflation, am I right? Don't worry about it because the goose is cook and destroyed. But JPC made his special holiday hot cocoa. Again, did not have any of the ingredients for cocoa, but I used everything that is the same color.

[Adol]

Huh. So it should taste Diet Coke and.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, we're gonna get out of here, but enjoy the episode and thank you so much for sticking by us. We appreciate it so much. Happy. Oh, oh, hold on. You have to be this tall to host an episode of. Hey, riddle, riddle.

[Casey]

Oh, come on lady, let us, let us host. Come on.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, I'm so sorry. You gotta be at least this tall.

[JPC]

Oh, we understand. Can I talk to you for a second?

[Aaron Keenan]

Me so.

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah, me no Adol. Look, there's an interesting bird. So my buddy Adol just got hit with a shrink ray cause he was mouthing off to a scientist again. And it's temporary, the scientists explained. This is for 48 hours, just so he learned his lesson. But we only had today to come to the amusement park, so could you just do us a solid? He's normally like 626 1. At least 6 1, let's call it. He's over 6 foot because we don't want to get into specifics, but he's normally like, he's normally weight. Could we at least just for today just ride the podcast?

[Aaron Keenan]

First of all, I get excuses like this all the time and I can't make an exception every time. And also it's more of like a safety issue. Like if you're so itty bitty like that, you could get really, really hurt in some of the Hayward riddle scenes and some of the riddles could crush you. So it's more of like a safety concern. Like he could die.

[JPC]

Yeah. Could we sign a waiver? Because he doesn't, I think, care if he lives or dies. That's kind of the way he operates and lives his life. Is there like a waiver we could sign?

[Aaron Keenan]

Or if I'm being totally honest with you, yes, there's a waiver you can sign. But if he dies and he gets squooshed by a riddle or by a really funny joke or pun, then like I have to clean up that mess.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

You know what I mean?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Casey]

It wasn't a bird, it was a squirrel trapped in a plastic bag.

[Aaron Keenan]

Sort of the same thing though, huh? Yeah, I could recommend something could ride to you.

[JPC]

Hold on, you didn't take that squirrel out of the bag. Did you?

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Adol]

Why?

[JPC]

Because that was probably a science experiment. You probably just pissed off another scientist. If you get zapped with another shrink ray adult, you're gonna be too small for me to even find that Dr.

[Adol]

Chameleon really hates me.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, there's some other podcasts you can ride.

[JPC]

Oh, okay.

[Adol]

Aaron, could I ride an emotional roller coaster? Am I tall enough to go on an emotional rol. Roller coaster?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, I'm not in charge of that ride. You'll have to talk to the person.

[JPC]

And just who is it? And who would be the person?

[Adol]

Is it, like, Angela Bassett?

[Aaron Keenan]

It's Angela Bassett. Exactly. Thank you for doing the work to.

[JPC]

Talk to Angela Bassett.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Sorry, it just. You can't. I mean, like, other podcasts, like, you don't even have to sign a waiver. Like, with comptown. You could just go on if you're totally shut down.

[JPC]

I know that. That's still a podcast. Is it? I think it's been like, five years since that's been about podcast.

[Aaron Keenan]

I. Funniest podcast reference to make, and I stand by it.

[JPC]

Yes, for sure. And we'll learn one reference from 2018, and we'll never learn another one.

[Adol]

Actually, I don't know if you two mind, but instead of recording. Hey, riddle, Riddle. Today, the. I want to say, the Bad News Gang. Is that what they're called?

[JPC]

Wow, look who it is.

[Adol]

They invited me on their podcast. So let's. What do you think, boys? Let's lay it down.

[JPC]

Yeah, why not? See you later, suckers. The Bad News Gang. Ow. Ooh, I hit my shin.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, no. Oh, no. The Bad News Gang can record.

[JPC]

No, you guys. You guys could. You guys could take him. You guys could go. You guys could all go.

[Adol]

No, no, no.

[Casey]

Now we don't want him. Something's wrong with him.

[JPC]

You started talking like them so quickly.

[Adol]

No, that's not me. That's.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, similar voice. Huh?

[JPC]

Similar voice.

[Adol]

Similar face. Similar face.

[JPC]

Well, let's not dig too deep into this. You guys get the fuck out of here.

[Aaron Keenan]

All right, but we'll be back if you say our name.

[JPC]

Anytime.

[Casey]

You say Bad News Gang.

[JPC]

Well. Well, no, no. Get out of here. So I guess just one, then. One. One for the podcast. Me. Great. If flying cost $100 and it was, like, mostly fine, people wouldn't be upset. But it's so expensive, and they treat you like you're a fucking asshole every time you go on a plane, which is. And it's not their fault. Like, it's not like the malicious pilot is like, I'm going to fuck with someone's day. It's the airline. The airline treats you like you are scum of the earth. And you. Like, they will exist whether or not you fly or not. And they were like, what? I'll piss you off. What are you gonna do, not fly. How the fuck are you gonna get to Atlanta, dumbass? Like, you have to use our service. It's like. It's like a. It's like a gas company. Like, they're like a utility that's like, oh, good. Like, I. Oh, you can't take a shower today. Go suck a fucking duck. Who gives a shit? I don't care. I'll never turn your gas on.

[Adol]

It was funny. There's several passengers who once we were told to get off the plane and, like, standing there waiting for several hours. There were many people who were like, all right, fuck this, I'm gone. Or like, never. I refuse. Even if they board the plane. I'm not getting on this fucking plane half an hour later. Quietly board the plane.

[JPC]

You have to. Because what's the option?

[Adol]

You have to. What else are you gonna do?

[Aaron Keenan]

They're like, yeah, I'll suck a duck.

[JPC]

Ass will suck a fucking duck.

[Adol]

Yes, sir, please present your duck.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yes, ma'am, I'll suck a duck.

[JPC]

Can I get a new duck or do I want to suck the duck? The duck I just sucked. They suck the duck speak first.

[Adol]

Feathers and all, Feathers and all.

[JPC]

You pick the side. You can suck the front or suck the back. There's no good options.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, just kidding. You don't get to pick the side. It's the back.

[Adol]

Always.

[JPC]

It's the moist back of the duck that you have to suck.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'd like to see a scene. Okay, jpc, you are a priest, and you are in the middle of addressing the church, and an earthquake hits.

[JPC]

Now, what does that story mean for us today? You know, the Bible is full of these allegories that we can replace into our own lives. So take my life, for instance. You know priests, we are famously celibate. Oh, still everyone? Still, everyone, still.

[Adol]

What's going on? What's going on? Is he coming? What's going on?

[JPC]

What's going on? I think that there was an earthquake. But what it could have been, because what I was talking about was God saying, maybe priests don't have to be celibate. That was what he was saying. I'm sorry, I misspoke.

[Aaron Keenan]

I think we just live in California.

[Adol]

Yeah, it's just a.

[JPC]

Silence Witch.

[Aaron Keenan]

Witch.

[JPC]

That's a witch. We all saw me call that witch. No. Hold her down.

[Adol]

Get her out of here.

[JPC]

Get her out of here. And they shall speak with their forked tongues. Unless. Was she single? She was married. Okay, get her out of here. Okay, so, new thing happening at church today. Father Michael is gonna come down into the congregation. Everyone have their hands up. Wedding ring check. Doing a wedding ring check for the congregation, Father Michael.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maybe you're just horny and you're kind of looking for a sign. You kind of did this last week when a bird flew in here.

[JPC]

That bird was a dove, by the way. A mourning dove.

[Adol]

Yes. And you said, a dove is a God's reminder of peace, therefore you think priests should get a piece of ass.

[JPC]

No. Men talk for the rest of church. Okay, the new God rule, 11th Commandment just dropped. I'm just a young woman shall not speak. Men shall not speak. Men shall not speak. All right, so single women, like, let's just say 25 to 45.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maybe you just don't want to be a priest.

[JPC]

I'm sorry. I don't want to be a priest. God called me to be a priest.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. What?

[JPC]

And then he just called me with that earthquake, and he said, by the way, new rules just dropped for being a priest, and you can get a little nasty.

[Aaron Keenan]

What was the original call? I'm starting to think it was just a thing that happened.

[JPC]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't that. I didn't get any of my preferred colleges, and I had to go to a seminary school because I misunderstood what seminary was all about, and I thought, ooh, seminary. I'm gonna get laid. Laid. Late. Late. Non stop. And then I got there, and they, you know, it's a bunch of, frankly, monks who made me take a vow of silence, so I couldn't talk about how I absolutely wanted to get out there. Okay, so we still have some hands up.

[Aaron Keenan]

You're giving all of us high fives as you walk by us?

[JPC]

Yeah. What am I doing? What am I doing? Okay, so. And then. Okay, so. Okay, you there. You still have your hands up.

[Adol]

Me?

[JPC]

Yeah, you. Okay. No, you're too dumb.

[Adol]

Me?

[JPC]

I'm pointing at you. You're not. Not adequate for me. Who wants to. Who wants to see the rectory? Okay, who wants Father Michael to end.

[Aaron Keenan]

Church early so everybody gets out, everyone's hands shoot down.

[JPC]

Okay, okay.

[Adol]

Clearly, that's a euphemism.

[JPC]

The rectory is. You know, I have my own apartment here, right? I don't have to pay to live here.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, but we kind of pay for it.

[JPC]

Okay, You're a mouthy. You're on my list. You're on my naughty list. You're not exactly a strike, though, because of, you know, 10 out of 10 total smoke show. But, you know, actually, this could work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Who wants to go see my basic cable package?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hands shoot down even more.

[JPC]

What are you. How can your hand shoot down even more? Stop putting them up. You put them back down. Is anyone interested in this entire congregation?

[Aaron Keenan]

Everyone starts to leave with no, hold on.

[JPC]

Church isn't over. Ah, you go to hell if you leave.

[Adol]

Whoa. The doors flew shut.

[JPC]

If you leave before 11, you go to hell. That's facts.

[Aaron Keenan]

See.

[JPC]

This man sells gas.

[Aaron Keenan]

Petrol, petrols.

[Adol]

Shells.

[JPC]

I like that.

[Adol]

Shell shells versus Shell Gas. Shell Silverstone, Shell gasoline.

[JPC]

No, it's not Shell Silverstein. Shell gasoline. I do want to see a scene. I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you are pulling in. Your. You are. Your car is almost on empty. You haven't seen another service station around, and you've just pulled into Adol's gas station, which is Shel. Shell Gasoline.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey, can I get $50 on pump three, please?

[Adol]

A greetings ahuzzah. A welcome adieu. Your car is in trouble. Gasoline, 1 gallon, 2.

[Aaron Keenan]

Sorry. I think I just blacked out for a second. I thought you were rhyming.

[Adol]

Yeah, concussion's no fussion. No fussing. Concussion. The bonk on the head can end up you dead. You dig a big grave, it can get real grave. Hmm.

[Aaron Keenan]

Are you out of gas or you have. You're good. I just need $50 on pump three.

[Adol]

I'm good. Samaritan and Sarah. Tin was made of tin. A little tin girl. A gust of wind took her around the world when she was so thin she ate not a berry she flew towards the sky and hit the moon dead in the eye. Lumiere. Lumiere a filmmaker, too. A candlestick brother. Can you think of glue? Elmers and Felmers and Fudds and Duds? Sit in the theater. Milk Duds. Paul Rudd's Ant Man, Quantum Leap. They're all in the screen. You and me, baby. Let's pump gasoline.

[Aaron Keenan]

This is Adolph's M and M impression.

[Adol]

That'll be $500.

[JPC]

That was such a ride. That was such a wild ride of people who are listening to this being like, does he know who Shelserverstein is? And they'd be like, he knows. He obviously does know. And then it goes a little deeper, and you're like, does he know? Does he know? Three men each had a cup of coffee. Each man put an odd number of lumps of sugar in his coffee. 12 in total. 3 men, 12 lumps. How many lumps of sugar did each man take?

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, this I really want to get. I think I can get it. So nobody say the answer out loud.

[JPC]

I mean, Aaron, that just can't be how the podcast works.

[Aaron Keenan]

That has to be how the podcast.

[JPC]

Works a few moments later.

[Aaron Keenan]

This is hard. Why can't I get this?

[JPC]

I think the answer to this is going to make you mad when you hear it.

[Adol]

Well, if the answer's gonna make us mad, I'm gonna stop trying to guess it.

[JPC]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's smart.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Never mind.

[Aaron Keenan]

Never mind.

[JPC]

That's smart. Yeah. To stop trying is, I think, the right move on this one.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm done trying.

[JPC]

All right, I can give it to you. Anyone hear it?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[JPC]

The first man took one. The second man also took one, and the third man took 10.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's an even number.

[JPC]

I don't know, Aaron, 10 lumps of sugar in your coffee?

[Aaron Keenan]

No. Sounds pretty odd. No, no, no, no, Aaron, no.

[Adol]

Aaron, no.

[JPC]

No. I told you no. I tried. I tried my best.

[Adol]

I want to see a scene.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, Aaron, no.

[Adol]

Hold on, Aaron, I want to see a scene. Jpc. I want you to give the answer again. And, Aaron, I want you to be really happy with it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Adel, you wouldn't do this to a woman like me, right? Someone who's loved you for as long as I've loved you.

[JPC]

The concept of a getting stretched to its infinite ends. Okay, here we go. The first man took one, the second man took one, and the third man took ten lumps.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wait, that's an. That's an even number. Oh, my God.

[JPC]

Oh, I don't know, Aaron, 10 lumps of sugar and coffee sounds pretty odd to me.

[Adol]

Aw.

[Aaron Keenan]

I love it. I love it. I love. I love this. Yes, because that is a. That is too much sugar for a cup of coffee. That's odd.

[Adol]

Aaron, I'm so close to calling scene. I just need a little more positivity.

[JPC]

Aaron, do you love it?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hip, hip, hooray.

[JPC]

Aaron, what's your favorite part about the riddle?

[Aaron Keenan]

I guess my favorite part is that it doesn't make any sense, and it's sort of a joke. And I was sitting here fucking writing, not numbers down, doing the math on a sheet of paper.

[JPC]

Now, Erin, it sounds like maybe from what you're describing, it sounds like, you know. I love it. You do love It.

[Aaron Keenan]

I love that I spent all this ink on this.

[Adol]

Yeah. We're gonna continue the scene. And, Aaron, if you don't mind, I'm gonna have you marry this riddle. Do you riddle quicken out?

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm just making sure. You guys wanna do this to me.

[Adol]

I think so.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, great.

[JPC]

Time back in. I'm wanting it more and more. Time back in.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Curtain up.

[Adol]

Time back out. Just quick check. Does Aaron have to be happy about anything that happens while we're in the scene? Mmm. Wow. That's a good. I almost. This is like genie rules. Casey, thank you for catching that. Yeah. If you love this riddle so much, why don't you marry it? And you are marrying it, and you're.

[Aaron Keenan]

Thrilled about it, and I'm thrilled about it.

[Adol]

Thank you, Casey. Casey, why don't you stay on. And you're gonna be. When we ask if there's anybody who objects, you're gonna say yes, but you're just gonna be like, I object because I just want Aaron to love it even more.

[JPC]

Okay. Okay.

[Adol]

Okay. Thank you, Casey.

[JPC]

Classic objection at a wedding. I want you to love it even more. Be so mad at that guy at my wedding.

[Adol]

Riddle. Do you and JPC.

[JPC]

You're.

[Adol]

The riddle. Riddle 1, 1, and 10. Do you take Aaron to be your lawfully wedded wife?

[JPC]

I do. I do. I do times ten.

[Adol]

Oh, that is.

[Aaron Keenan]

He.

[Adol]

Oh. He worked it into the vows. And there's not a dry ice. Dry. There's not a dry ice in the house.

[JPC]

Yes, the magician.

[Adol]

Because it sticks to your skin. If you swallow it could.

[JPC]

I know. Could kill you. Don't touch it. Too cold.

[Adol]

Aaron, do you take this riddle to have and to hold, to love forever and to be happy about?

[Aaron Keenan]

I do.

[Adol]

Okay. Eyes are a little dead, but big slow.

[Aaron Keenan]

I love it.

[JPC]

Do you typically ask for objections after the I dos, or is it before.

[Adol]

I now pronounce you wife and woman and riddle. Unless. And you two go ahead and kiss. And while you're kissing, is there anyone who objects? Actually, I object.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Casey. My dear friend, here to save me.

[Adol]

I don't think she loves this riddle enough. In fact, the only way to truly prove she does is to rap about it. And you have to be happy about it.

[JPC]

And she's also happy.

[Adol]

Never happened.

[JPC]

She's happy about it, too.

[Aaron Keenan]

Anyone else feel kind of sick having the roles be switched up? I feel sick.

[Adol]

Yeah, I buffed off Mike. Yeah, I bopped off Mike.

[Aaron Keenan]

I bopped off Mike. Is that Kennedy? I bopped off Mike.

[Adol]

I Bopped off Mike.

[Aaron Keenan]

I bopped off Mike.

[JPC]

Can I say. Can I say I've been listening to a lot of Hayward and Riddles recently, and I've been doing a little project that has involved me needing to listen to past episodes, and occasionally I listen to a whole episode and there'd be nothing that I needed in it and nothing, like, usable. I'm like, okay, it was a funny episode, but nothing usable. Going back to when I was doing hours and hours and hours of this, if I had a gym, like, I bought off Mike, I'd be overjoyed. I'd be overjoyed to have that.

[Adol]

I can't. I mean, just retroactively shoehorned in. I bought off my.

[Aaron Keenan]

I bought off Mike.

[JPC]

As soon as we're done here. I'll get it now, but I can't use it for what I was using.

[Aaron Keenan]

It for at all. That's really good.

[Adol]

I do believe he said I had bop off Mike.

[JPC]

Do you need to hear it again? Would you like to hear it again?

[Adol]

Yeah. Okay, I got it.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm not boffed off. I bought off Mike.

[Adol]

Oh, hear the riddle again. No, I don't.

[Aaron Keenan]

This is a conversation that I've had with people. Is, what is your, like, Survivor daydream or fantasy? Like, if you were on the show, what would be the moment that you would most like to have?

[JPC]

I've actually thought about this, Aaron. This exact scenario as well. And here's my answer. I don't know if they do this on every Survivor, so you're gonna have to. You guys have watched the show, and I have not. Do they very often have, like. If you make it far enough, they invite a member of your family to, like, come to the.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Pre Covid. They did that.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Okay. So here's what I would really love to do with that. I would love to. While I'm at Survivor, I want to make it to that point to have, like, my family member there. But. But I want to change. No details about my wife as I, like, talk about her, except I want to call her Rachel. I just want to refer to her as Rachel. Everything else would be exactly the same. I'm not, like, making up a person. I just say that her name is Rachel. And then when Mark is announcing who all of the people are on the beach, I'm standing next to these other people. They're like. And the JPC's wife Mariah is here, and she comes out, I'm like, oh, my God, I miss you so much. And everyone else is thinking, like, what the fuck is her name? Rachel or Mariah? Like, why is he calling her Mariah now? And then later, after she goes home, if someone asked me about it, I'd be like, yeah, my wife's name is Rachel. Like, what are you talking about?

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, so you're trying to torture people.

[JPC]

Yes, Just what I want to. People are like, I know he's playing a game, but he's not playing the game Survivor. Like, what? How is this fucking with me? It shouldn't be.

[Aaron Keenan]

For my episode of that, I want them to send me a stranger instead of someone I know. I'm like, I don't know this man. This man is a stranger.

[Adol]

I want them to be like, here's Adol's wife, Gemma. And somebody in a wheelbarrow takes out, like, a mannequin with a wig and makeup on. And everyone's like, what is going on? And I just absolutely make out with him.

[Aaron Keenan]

You burst into tears, Gemma, I missed you.

[JPC]

It's like, here's JPC's brother Chuck. And this guy comes out, he's just wearing an Arby's uniform. And I'm like, oh, Chuck, it's so good to see you. And I'm, like, hugging him. I'm like, do you have the beef and cheddar? And then I'm like, eating an Arby's sandwich from within his shirt. He's like, I'm not sure why I'm here, but I got paid 15,000 doll.

[Aaron Keenan]

CBT, you fool. You could have made it on the show. And now they'll hear this episode and they'll never let you on.

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Adol]

I think it'd be funny. I don't know how you swing it, but if you could swing it, it'd be very funny for them to be like, adol, you made it this far. Here's your cousin Jude Law, and Jude Law comes out and people are like, what the.

[Aaron Keenan]

Whoa.

[Adol]

You never. Your cousin's Jude Law. He's British. And it's.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, yeah. I just pick a celebrity I want to meet and that's when I put on my paperwork. Would it be funnier Chris Evans? And I'm like.

[JPC]

Would it be funnier to say it's Jude Law? But you get like, you hire, like, a Jude Law impersonator and it kind.

[Aaron Keenan]

Of looks like Jude Law. That's it. We found it. It took us a couple minutes.

[Adol]

People are like, wait a minute.

[JPC]

And you, like, act like it's Jude Law. And people like, I just don't think it's him. He's like five, four.

[Aaron Keenan]

I have, like, a John F. Kennedy impersonator. Did you, like, sneakily say that Kevin was married to Susie or something interesting?

[JPC]

No, I didn't do anything sneaky. This whole podcast I run above board. I run a tight ship. OSHA can come in here and do a safety test at any time, and everything's fine here.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's not true. You and I both know that is not true.

[Adol]

This is not a watertight podcast.

[JPC]

We can pee out the poison. We're fine.

[Adol]

I want to see a scene. Aaron, you're sort of like a David Attenborough narrator for and this is like a planet Earth, and JPC is going to be a lion, and I'm going to be whatever the lion is hunting.

[Aaron Keenan]

The lion is finally awake and cannot ignore its hunger any longer.

[JPC]

The fuck.

[Aaron Keenan]

Finally awake, sleeping past noon on a Tuesday.

[JPC]

I'm a lion.

[Aaron Keenan]

The lion.

[JPC]

I don't have work clear past noon.

[Aaron Keenan]

At risk for starvation because of how lazy it is.

[JPC]

At risk for starvation. Hey, guess what? You burn less calories when you sleep. What the fuck is this?

[Aaron Keenan]

Lying on a rock in the sun. But wait, something has caught its attention.

[Adol]

Gazelle, gazelle, gazelle, gazelle.

[Aaron Keenan]

A guy who has spotted gazelles has become the lions.

[Adol]

Look at these gazelles.

[Aaron Keenan]

Ooh, tart.

[JPC]

That guy looks way slower than a gazelle. I bet I can take him that easy.

[Adol]

Saw coming up, Tony.

[Aaron Keenan]

I bet the lion decides to lay back down in the rock and get an afternoon nap in instead of hunting the man.

[JPC]

You like I'm gonna like. You're gonna reverse psychology. That's obviously your cameraman. Like you're gonna reverse psychology me to not eat that cameraman.

[Aaron Keenan]

That man is too fast for him to catch. He ran track in high school. He stopped after sophomore year, but still.

[JPC]

Yeah, high school. I was probably 30 years ago for that guy. I mean, I don't want to eat him.

[Aaron Keenan]

The man gets further away while the lion sees his only hope for lunch.

[JPC]

No, because I'm fucking arguing with you. Hold on, I'm getting up. Oh, big stretch. Big stretch. Ooh, back stretch. Stretch the back. Stretch the back legs. Oh, my God.

[Adol]

Gazelles are gone. I guess I'll just lay face down on the savannah.

[JPC]

Ooh, big stretch. God, stretch. It makes me sleepy.

[Aaron Keenan]

The prey self available to the lion. But the lion looked over, shrugged, and is going back to bed. He seems to be re watching TV shows on his laptop in a dark.

[JPC]

No, no, I'm not. I've never seen the office just because it was on like 10 years ago. Doesn't mean I saw it, because I was busy at that time.

[Aaron Keenan]

Cereal bowls and cups are stack, stacking up on his bedside table.

[JPC]

A lot of this is my pride, mates stuff. It's not necessarily my stuff.

[Aaron Keenan]

No judgment, just observation.

[JPC]

This is judgment. It's laden with judgment. I mean, obviously, I've been there.

[Adol]

I've been there.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm that. I'm that lion.

[Adol]

We're all that lion.

[JPC]

Well, we all been that lion. We all been that lion. Not me, of course, but most people.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'd like to see a scene. Jbc. You're the man in the yellow hat from Curious George and Adol. You're Curious George and George is asking you a lot of questions.

[Casey]

Hey, dad.

[JPC]

Oh, not your dad. I'm not your dad.

[Adol]

Yeah, dad, you're my dad.

[JPC]

No, I'm the man in the yellow hat.

[Adol]

You dress me, you pay for my food, you tuck me in at night. You're my dad.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, my God.

[JPC]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't. I don't love that you call me that, but yeah, I mean, dad, you're my dad. For sake of this conversation, sure.

[Adol]

How is. How are monkeys born?

[JPC]

I don't. I mean, I assume similar.

[Adol]

Similar to what?

[Casey]

Similar to what?

[JPC]

Similar to people.

[Adol]

How are people born? Hey, dad, how are people born?

[JPC]

I don't know. I mean, I don't know. Vaginally, C section.

[Adol]

Vaginally, C section. I'll Google that later.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Adol]

Hey, dad. Hey, dad.

[JPC]

It's really bothering me.

[Adol]

Hey, dad.

[JPC]

Yeah?

[Adol]

Are we rich?

[JPC]

We want for nothing, but I don't think that we have, like, a crazy amount of disposable income. I don't really work. You understand?

[Adol]

Yeah, you mostly. I mean, you mostly just kind of shop.

[JPC]

Hey, Dad, I don't mostly shop. I mean, I do some shopping, but, like, some shopping is a necessity. Like, we eat groceries.

[Adol]

Hey, dad.

[JPC]

Yep.

[Adol]

Were you mad when I ripped that kid's arms off at the birthday party?

[JPC]

No. He deserved it.

[Adol]

Okay. He scared me. He startled me.

[JPC]

He did startle you. He shouldn't have done that. And that's exactly. That's why. That's why I'm. You know, when you call me dad, it kind of. I just hear that kid screaming, dad, dad, dad. And it kind of. Yeah, and it's. Yeah, it's bad vibes for me.

[Adol]

Yeah. I see it when I close my eyes.

[JPC]

That's good. That means you have. Do you feel remorse?

[Adol]

No, I just see it.

[JPC]

That's good because he startled you.

[Adol]

Hey, dad, why the hat?

[JPC]

I'm sorry, why the hat? Cause I look like a pimp, Playboy. I look like a stone cold pimp, but it's still cool to say pimp. What year is it?

[Adol]

You look like Pharrell when he had that hat on.

[JPC]

Okay, so Pharrell with the hat on. So it's 2004. 13. Okay, okay. You don't know you're a monkey. You're not a boy. Oh, come on, Grow up. You gotta live in this world like the rest of us.

[Adol]

Hey, dad.

[JPC]

You killed a boy. Or maimed him. We left. We don't know. Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Gpc. I'm so sorry to make this about me, but I have to. Please leave me something funny in your will. I'm begging you. It can be no monetary value. I want it to make me laugh out loud, though.

[JPC]

I have one of the funniest things that I can leave for any person in my will, and it is being left to you, and that is medical debt. All my medical debt goes directly to you, Erin. I can't explain how, but I got a good lawyer. I got a good lawyer.

[Aaron Keenan]

I mean, that made me laugh. Okay, what about. Works for me. A tired flower.

[Adol]

Ooh, a lazy Daisy.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yes.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron Keenan]

Lazy Daisy.

[JPC]

That's who I like to play in Mario Kart.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. She just won't move.

[JPC]

Mm. Mm. That La Caillou keeps picking you up and then dropping you back on the track. Even though you're on the track. You're like, I get it. I'm just taking you.

[Aaron Keenan]

She's just scrolling on her phone.

[Adol]

That's why Donald got a divorce, Honestly.

[JPC]

Mm. Yeah. Well, it's not. That's not the only reason. It's never just one reason. You know, when people get a divorce, it's compounding reasons. But, yeah, Donald and Daisy did get a divorce. Divorce. And that's Dominican. And we're breaking that news here. I guess they told us not to say it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Are you one of the lawyers for one of the parties?

[Adol]

We do represent Daisy Duck.

[JPC]

Yes, but we are some of the lawyers. It's like a dream team, you know? It's like a cockburn. Yeah.

[Adol]

Sorry. Cockrag.

[JPC]

Cochrane. It's Cochrane. Johnny Cochrane. Who is a porn producer. You thought I was going to say actor. He produces. He was a former actor, of course. He moved into production when he aged.

[Aaron Keenan]

The divorce contentious?

[JPC]

Um, no.

[Adol]

Well, Donald showed up to court with no pants on, so I think he was trying to make a statement.

[JPC]

I think. So his team, quickly, you know, they fix. It's not contentious, but I think when you just have this much money. You just have, like, there's just so much to tie up. Right. So that's why you have a team. That's why you bring on Alan and Johnny Cochran.

[Adol]

We think Donald said the C word, but we can't tell. There's just like a string. It was like a five minute string of like.

[JPC]

And we had the stenographer trying to, like, read it back, but it was obvious, like, we were putting a ton of pressure on her. And it's like she did. I mean, she's like, she's pointing at the stenograph machine and she's like, I, you know, I'm trying my best here, but it's like I. It's like speaking another language, essentially. And, you know, it is, to a certain degree, it's. It's duck. It's like, you know, English is not his first language, so he's trying to speak in it. And it's. It's just hard for everybody. So it's unclear if he said the C word, but we're pretty sure he did say it. Whatever he said, there was malice behind it, which I think is not okay.

[Adol]

Aaron, I saw you take out your phone and hit it. Said, contacts Donald Duck with heart eyes.

[Aaron Keenan]

Um, did it? Am I. Hey, heard you're recently single. Want to grab a drink?

[JPC]

Yeah, we told you that in context.

[Aaron Keenan]

I can suck a duck.

[Adol]

We gotta get a break.

[JPC]

We gotta get a break. No, no, no, no. What'll I do?

[Aaron Keenan]

What'll I do? What'll I do? What did I do?

[Adol]

It was good. It was a good thing. It was a good thing.

[Aaron Keenan]

You guys must see I'm looking a little smug today. I absolutely aced my Helix sleep quiz.

[Adol]

Oh, Aaron, you were up all night studying for that, right?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. And turns out I didn't need to. It was super easy and only took two minutes. And it paired me with a midnight luxe. The best mattress I've ever slept on on my whole life.

[Adol]

And I was joking about you being up all night jpc, and I checked on you, and you were sound asleep.

[Aaron Keenan]

On my Helix mattress. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[JPC]

You can study in your dreams, though. You know, I just had this thought the other day, which is, this is gonna be a little scary. And I don't mind scaring our listeners because I think that they can handle it. I've had my Helix mattress for four years. I was like, eventually I will get to buy another Helix mattress. I'm like, I'm going, I'm gonna have multiple Helix mattresses in my lifetime. And I was like looking forward to a new mattress. I have to wait a little while because four years is not enough time to change out your mattress. But it's gonna happen. It's gonna come for me eventually.

[Aaron Keenan]

I have a smart ring that I wear while I sleep and my sleep is going so well. I know you can't tell by my face because I have a very sleepy looking face, but I am a well rested lady.

[JPC]

Aaron, how many hours a night you getting?

[Aaron Keenan]

40.

[Adol]

And Gemma and I have the best night's sleep of our lives on our Midnight Lux. And all of our cats, including our new fourth cat, Martini, sleep on the bed together. And the amazing thing is, but also the dangerous thing is we have room on this huge bed for, I don't know, 10 more cats. And we gotta fill that space.

[JPC]

You gotta fill that space. I was saying to someone this weekend how I will never go back from a king size. Once you have a king size mattress, it's game over. That's the lot. That's. You can never go smaller and I don't need to go bigger. But I'm thinking, you know, hey, man, one of these days, what if I get taller?

[Aaron Keenan]

Four kings. Four kings.

[JPC]

So if you want to buy four king size mattresses and use our promo code, we'd absolutely love that. Right now you can get 20% off plus two free pillows for all mattress order, just go to helixsleep.com Riddle Aaron.

[Adol]

What'D you get on your sleep quiz?

[Aaron Keenan]

40 hours? No, sorry, Midnight Lux.

[JPC]

I'm gonna have to look at this quiz, Aaron, because I just don't know. You're doing it right.

[Aaron Keenan]

I don't know.

[JPC]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, Adel. Aaron, there you are. Okay, this is why I was gonna say this is perfect. But if you're here, then I can't test my new where in the world is Adel and Aaron website.

[Adol]

Oh, the one you made with Squarespace? Yeah, the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

[JPC]

Yeah. So I mean, the premise of where in the world does Aaron and Adol is pretty simple. You know, we have users submit things that they think smell like Aaron or look like at all, and then we use that to kind of triangulate your location. And it's kind of like a fun game for people to play, but if you're here, the game kind of can't kind of play it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, I'm trying to be supportive. And Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. It's like Online courses, blogs, videos and memberships earn recurring revenue by gating your content behind a paywall. Simply set the price and choose whether to charge a one time fee or a subscription for access. So you can like charge people to see.

[JPC]

Yeah. If you become a member, I send you like a big magnifying glass that you can use to like look for clues to like find your exact location.

[Aaron Keenan]

Weird. Cool though. I'm into it. I think.

[Adol]

Yeah. Almost as cool as Squarespace's design intelligence. Combining two decades of industry leading design expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential, JPC Design intelligence empowers anyone, including you, to build a beautiful, more personalized website tailored to their unique needs and craft a bespoke digital identity to use across one's entire online presence.

[JPC]

Yeah, and I kind of use that to kind of like craft like composites of what YouTube may look like based on all the smells and things that people are submitting. So that's. Yeah. What do you think? By the way of your avatars?

[Adol]

It's my body with a wheel of cheese as a head.

[Aaron Keenan]

I love it.

[JPC]

Yeah. And with Squarespace email campaigns, all of the tools you need to engage your subscribers, drive sales and simplify your audience management. Set up automated emails to build connections while saving time. And easily integrate your products into email templates to drive sales and increase site traffic. So if someone submits one of your smells, I can email blast that smell out to everybody and then they can be on the smellout lookout. But for smells, for one of your.

[Aaron Keenan]

Smells, I'm into this. So head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to Launch, go to squarespace.com riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[JPC]

Okay. Hey, look, I just got another. I got another email. Hold on. It's the same guy. Let me write back real quick. That is not what they smell like. Stop submitting it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Adol, did you email him?

[Adol]

Yeah, sorry.

[JPC]

We get a lot of this guy.

[Aaron Keenan]

I would like to see a scene. Adol, you are a drone. Super shiny new, good at your job. Jpc, you're a bird and you're kind of like annoyed at his whole vibe and deal.

[Adol]

Scanning, scanning. Detected bird.

[JPC]

Hey.

[Adol]

Yeah, why don't you get fucking lost Detecting anger. Hi friend. I don't mean to cause you any harm.

[JPC]

Hey, why don't you get fucking lost, you chrome dome looking piece of. This is our beach.

[Adol]

Detecting escalated anger. Hi friend. I tried to be polite. Keep it up and I won't be so. Nice.

[JPC]

Nice. What are you doing here, man? This is. You're in my house. Basically my family is right over there in the sand.

[Adol]

Reverting to small talk. Crazy weather we're having, right?

[JPC]

No, weather's normal. How would you know?

[Adol]

Detecting answer to rhetorical question. Scanning, scanning, scanning. Panicking, panicking. How's your love life?

[JPC]

Dude? Unfu. That's your second piece of small talk is how's your love life? How's yours? Oh, that's right. You probably don't even have a cloaca.

[Adol]

No, I have a penis. And I have a satisfied wife.

[JPC]

Well, congratulations. I got a cloaca and it could do everything a penis could do and more.

[Adol]

Courtney, get over here.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hello.

[Adol]

This is Courtney, my wife.

[Aaron Keenan]

I am a bird.

[JPC]

My man. That's a hermit crab. My man. That is a hermit crab with a Coca Cola can.

[Adol]

You're telling me. You're telling me my wife is a hermit crab who thinks she's a bird? Talking like a drone. Get fucked, buddy. Get fucked, buddy.

[JPC]

You are getting played. That is a hermit crab and a Coca Cola can. It doesn't even look like you.

[Aaron Keenan]

My shell is a Coca Cola can. Coca zero can.

[Adol]

Scanning, scanning. Only. See? Beautiful drone wife.

[Aaron Keenan]

I am a bird. I am a bird.

[JPC]

Hermit crap.

[Aaron Keenan]

I am a bird.

[Adol]

It's an inside joke. Scanning for injured joke. None found.

[JPC]

What's your angle here? Hermit crap. What's your angle here? What are you doing?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey man, get the out of here. I got a good thing going, man. Get the fuck out of here.

[JPC]

Fuck you, hermit crab.

[Aaron Keenan]

Fuck you, you fucking bird. I'll fucking eat you for life.

[JPC]

Sorry. Why don't you take your ugly ass wife and get off my fucking beach?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey. I am a bird. I am a bird.

[Adol]

My wife is not ugly. She is shiny and new.

[Aaron Keenan]

A shiny new bird.

[JPC]

You got a busted ass Herbert crab and a Coke can for a wife. And you're a dumbass piece of metal. Don't you get the fuck out of New Jersey.

[Adol]

It's time to no longer be polite. Maneuvering for attack. Pulling out phone. Recording. Recording.

[Aaron Keenan]

He's fighting for my honor.

[JPC]

The fuck?

[Adol]

Recording. Phone in inches in front of your face. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I'm allowed to record. I'm allowed to record. What are you going to do? I'm allowed to record.

[JPC]

You're not my father. You're not my boss. You're not my priest. I'm about to lay you out. I'm the littlest bird on this beach. I'm about to lay you out searching.

[Adol]

Ask Keef. It turns out Father, priest, boss, all one person, your father is your breeze and your bross malfunction shutting down.

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah. You ran out of batteries. You was fighting so long you ran out of batteries.

[Adol]

Please don't fuck my wife.

[JPC]

Why don't you ditch the drone and get with bird?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey, hermit crab, why don't you ditch the drone and get with bird? It is not even 9am for me, sir. Casey said 11 out of 10 scene.

[JPC]

Casey one of our best.

[Aaron Keenan]

Your standards should be higher. Frankly, I think you're the reason we're slipping in quality.

[JPC]

What?

[Adol]

Aaron? Slipping in quality? You mean to tell me a scene where someone says this is my drone wife and then she says I'm a bird and then a third person says she's a hermit crab is a bad scene?

[JPC]

I'm crying immediately. Tears just popped in my eyes. This is the kind of stuff they don't teach and they shouldn't teach.

[Aaron Keenan]

This is bad.

[JPC]

This is kind of bad to teach.

[Adol]

Okay, it's my turn here. It looks like my options are Beans Imagine Station, Lavender Lounge, and beyond vaudeville.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Adol]

I'm going with Beans Imagine Station.

[Casey]

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode. I am little Bean and I am the world's smallest astronaut. I have been sent into space in a little space shuttle that's also a space station. And up here alone, all by myself, is where my imagine goes wild. Runs wild. My imagine. Of course, if you're just tuning in, you may not recognize some of the characters here that come from from my Imagine. Please introduce yourself. Character number one.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hi, my name's Maureen. I am a real astronaut. Lil Bean here. Wow. Pretty crazy. A lot of the equipment that we have and safety precautions are for full size humans. And when we came into space, little Beam rattled so much that now he thinks he has imagined us.

[Casey]

She almost sounds real.

[Aaron Keenan]

Can you believe it?

[Casey]

She says she has a son in college.

[JPC]

Unbelievable.

[Aaron Keenan]

All of little Bean's insides just sort of scrambled up and are at different spots. I do have a son that is in college. He is at Vassar. He is studying English and I really wanted him to go into STEM or something that uses the left side of your brain. But you know what? I'm proud all the same. Lil Bean. Sorry to. I know you were in the middle of introducing everybody. I'm your imaginary friend.

[Casey]

That's right. That's imaginary friend number one. And here we go on to imaginary friend number two.

[JPC]

Oh, oh. Are we still doing this? Oh, okay. Hi, I'm Glenn McClerskey. I am a botanist by trade, but I guess we're all astronauts up here.

[Adol]

Almost sounds real.

[JPC]

And I am in charge of the flora and the fauna on the ship. You know, we don't really have a lot, but we are growing in limited quantities in space. And one of the things that we were sent to grow up in space was a little bean.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, we're trying to grow little Bean.

[JPC]

A wife now. I have been.

[Casey]

Why are you whispering? There's one rule on the podcast.

[JPC]

Podcast?

[Casey]

Yeah. This is a public service podcast.

[JPC]

Okay. Well, anyway, if anyone has questions about botany or. I guess no one can really hear this because I am imaginary. I'm one of little Bean's imaginary friends.

[Casey]

That's right. And I've set a course for the sun. In 22 days and 16 hours, we will be enveloped by the solar flares that whip out into the dark.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yes, that's a certain death. Little Bean.

[JPC]

It's a space station. It's not a functioning ship. We came on a rocket. We will come back down on a rocket. But this is.

[Casey]

Say it into the banana.

[Adol]

I mean, microphone.

[JPC]

How is he holding that banana? I guess he's really not. It's just laying on the table.

[Aaron Keenan]

What's incredibly sad about this is Lil Bean was a brilliant scientist, sharpest mind in the world, perhaps kind of obviously a freak of nature. He was a little bean. We're like, we gotta get him to space. We gotta get him to space. He'll get up there. We didn't realize that sending a bean into space would essentially cook the bean.

[Casey]

What are you whispering over there? No.

[JPC]

No. No one's whispering over here. A little bean.

[Casey]

If there's one thing I can't stand is secrets.

[Aaron Keenan]

We are just showing a little clip of you, little Bean, at the press conference.

[Casey]

Is it a memorial?

[Aaron Keenan]

No, no. Just a little clip of you at the press conference before you went up to space so everyone can hear your normal voice.

[Casey]

Okay, so what do we. Let's meet some more of the characters on the show.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, you don't want to watch the clip?

[Casey]

Oh, what's the clip again?

[Aaron Keenan]

The clip is you at the press conference before going up into space. I wanted everyone at home to hear your normal voice.

[JPC]

It might be too painful. It might be too painful for Bean to watch the clip.

[Aaron Keenan]

Let him watch.

[Casey]

Well, now I want to see it. Go ahead and press play.

[Adol]

Good evening.

[Casey]

Good evening, everyone. My name is Little Bean. I am Little Bean. Graduated from mit.

[Aaron Keenan]

I guess his voice is not that different.

[Casey]

And I just want to say I'M honored to be the first little bean in space. And I want to do all the beans, prayer, all the human beings.

[JPC]

He coughs Again here in a second. And it changes.

[Casey]

And I just want to say hello, you're my mom and dad.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, I'm remembering wrong.

[JPC]

The change being more dramatic.

[Casey]

Louisville, Kentucky. Cause, of course, I'm a soulmate.

[Aaron Keenan]

And pause. Lil B, do you remember doing that press conference?

[Casey]

That was me.

[Aaron Keenan]

Mm.

[Casey]

It didn't sound like me. Completely different voice.

[JPC]

Well, you know, we can only do so much with the limited resources we have up here.

[Aaron Keenan]

Is that a chatgpt?

[Casey]

Did you chat GPT?

[Aaron Keenan]

Did you chat GPT? Chat gbtb?

[Casey]

Did you chat GPT? Answer the question.

[JPC]

Oh, little Bean. No, we would never chat GPT. You. We don't even know really what that means in this context.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, Glenn, any update on growing little bean again? Or growing little bean a wife or.

[JPC]

I. I've grown many beans. I just haven't been able to. Whatever happened to make little Bean sentient and super smart, I haven't quite been able to replicate. I know it did happen in space, but I think it may have had something to do with like, gamma radiation, and we just haven't had. We haven't been hit by as many solar flares.

[Casey]

I don't know what you are whispering about over there, but it's time for my weekly segment. Man, I wish I had a wife. This is a segment where I like to just go over what I think the perfect wife for me, Little Bean would be the perfect wife by Little Bean. The perfect wife is a bean, a sentient being who's smart as it is around. It's planted, absorbs nutrients through its butt and top of the head, sprouts into alfalfa or some other fruit or vegetable or plant or weed.

[JPC]

Something with little bean's voice. It's affecting one of the beans in the. In the. In the sample bay number six. It's. It's growing. It's spreading.

[Aaron Keenan]

Bean.

[JPC]

Keep going, little Bean. Keep going.

[Casey]

Ought to have a bean wife and have bean children one day. Little bean children, and hope that one day they too could go to Vassar and study stem or whatever this ghost said. Oh, to have a wife. A little bean wedding. Can you imagine? What would they throw? Rice, probably because rice isn't beans, so that stays the same. But everything else is bean sized. Bean sized.

[JPC]

Did someone say bean sized? Oh, my God. What. What is. What is happening? Hello.

[Casey]

What's your name?

[JPC]

Hello, My name is little Bean.

[Casey]

And I guess that's My name. Favorite movie. On three. One, two, three, two.

[JPC]

Mr. B.

[Casey]

No, we can't.

[Aaron Keenan]

There's not gonna be no one.

[JPC]

Plus, I'm gay.

[Aaron Keenan]

Fuck off. Fuck you.

[JPC]

Well, hold on. Fuck off.

[Adol]

Cause not. Cause you're gay.

[JPC]

Wait, hold on.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, no, we heard it. It's good.

[Adol]

Oh, little Bean's homophobic.

[Aaron Keenan]

What a bummer.

[Adol]

What a bummer. That sucks.

[JPC]

Yeah, that sucks for him. Or sucks to be him.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, this is the pump up speech at half time of a championship game.

[JPC]

Okay, got it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Fuck.

[Adol]

Down by 12, guys. Come on. Fuck.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Boys, Take a big deep breath and then take a knee, okay?

[JPC]

Where's our coach? Why should we listen to you? An Abraham Lincoln impersonator, Aaron, Is that fun? Is that a fun gift for you, Aaron?

[Adol]

Is that fun?

[Aaron Keenan]

Let's see. Hold on.

[Adol]

Are you googling Abraham Lincoln?

[JPC]

He was the president.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yes. And also referred to as. Yes. And thinking is a rule of thumb and information improvisational comedy that suggests that an improviser should accept what another improviser has stated.

[Adol]

Wait, where was that when I was doing the Glass Menagerie monologue?

[Aaron Keenan]

And then expand on that line of thinking. The principle does not forbid disagreements between the improvisers characters. But you should have stopped reading the ones.

[JPC]

All you said was, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Aaron Keenan]

The basic premise introduced for the other person, throw them off and harm the flow of the scene. Okay, okay. No butt technique, which serves to refine the challenge. Okay, okay. No, I'm your coach, idiot. No, no, I'm insert.

[JPC]

Go with that.

[Aaron Keenan]

Go with that. Okay, I will. Hey, hey. No, this is just my face and my beard and my hat. Sorry, coach.

[JPC]

Sorry. I'm seeing red because we're down by 12.

[Adol]

Yeah, we're. There's also some red on your forehead where it looks like there's an exit wound. Hey, it could just be a bee sting.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's just a bee sting. Hey, hey. I got enough of this at home from my wife, Mary Todd.

[Adol]

Crazy wife.

[Aaron Keenan]

Her name is Mary Todd. Yes, it is a crazy coincidence.

[Adol]

Is she crazy or you just claw? Come on, man.

[Aaron Keenan]

What are you talking about? Hey, hey, hey. Everyone's trying to distract from you letting each other down in that first half of the game, huh?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Everyone's trying to point to the way that coach looks and sounds, Right?

[JPC]

Not sounds, just looks.

[Adol]

Just looks.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay.

[JPC]

Were you going for sounds, Coach?

[Aaron Keenan]

No, I'm not. But it's just looks. Okay then fine. I feel like I sound a little bit like when? Actually, how do you know? How do you know how he sounded? There's no recording.

[Adol]

Spielberg movie.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's what I'm saying. Don't I sound like Daniel Day Lewis in that movie?

[Adol]

No.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, coach, down by 12. I know. We're running out of time. We got seconds here, so.

[Adol]

We are a nation. You know, there's gravitas to his. To his cadence in his voice.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay.

[JPC]

They say Abraham Lincoln had a higher pitched voice.

[Adol]

Actually, they said on set for that movie that Daniel Day Lewis would stay in character and people would use phones and he'd be like, what is this? What is this skullduggery? And people would be like, it's a phone. And he's like, a phone.

[Aaron Keenan]

Some of your college careers as athletes are on the line here. I need everyone to focus up. Four score and seven years ago. Coach, Coach, I was born. What I talk in scores. You. You know this about me.

[Adol]

Door SLAMS open Presenting sir Riley Lawson. Stein.

[JPC]

What's happened?

[Adol]

Well, well, well, if it isn't JP Riddles.

[JPC]

Well, well, well, if it isn't a man doing a big crab impression.

[Adol]

I just happen to be wearing. I told you, Melissa, I should not have worn this hard red suit. My name is R.L. stine, and I'm here to call you out. J.P. you've been ripping me off for years. I challenge you to a duel.

[JPC]

Throws glove, picks up glove, eats it. All right, R.L. stine. I accept your invitation to a glove dinner. Here's my terms. We do it at a Cheesecake Factory tonight, midnight or the latest that they're open. I think that might be 11:00pm I don't.

[Adol]

No, no, I refuse that. And I challenge you to a specific duel of my choosing. We have a title off. We each come up with a title for either a New Goosebumps or a New swan lumps, and we let the audience decide.

[JPC]

All right.

[Adol]

One author stays, One author dies tonight.

[Aaron Keenan]

All right, gentlemen, you know the rules.

[JPC]

I need to borrow a wet fork from a child in the audience.

[Aaron Keenan]

All right, Mr. Riddles, we'll get that ready for you. Gentlemen, you know the rules. It's a title off. You stand on opposite sides of the stage and you throw titles at each other like you're shooting each other in a sort of cowboy shoot. Off.

[JPC]

Mm.

[Adol]

Yes.

[Aaron Keenan]

All right, you count to 10, you walk in opposite directions, then you turn and you start saying titles at each other. Ready?

[Adol]

Okay.

[Aaron Keenan]

One.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron Keenan]

Two.

[JPC]

Ow, ow, ow. I'm trying to walk in all opposite directions. Feel like my body's being pulled apart.

[Aaron Keenan]

Nine, ten. Go. Title off.

[Adol]

A bat in the attic.

[JPC]

Swan lumps 229. Colonel Sanders ate my chicken.

[Aaron Keenan]

Point goes to JP riddles.

[Adol]

Fine. JP gets that point. It seems like that's fine. Okay, next one. A mummy in a River.

[JPC]

Swan Lumps 137. The no good tale of the Shipburn kid who went down into my hole where I keep all my ravioli dice and made a big mess down there.

[Adol]

No, I'll see that point. Yep. Yeah, you know, I'll see that. I want to read that. If I was a bee, I feel like, you know, if someone swats at me, if someone pokes my home, I'd be pissed. Don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'd really want to save my sting up for like, you know, someone who's just like egregiously being a piece of shit.

[JPC]

I think that all bees think that way, but every time they use their sting, it's complete panic. It's like you think, like you think your, your confrontation is going to be this big confrontation and then suddenly, like someone yells at you and you jump trump and suddenly you've stung them.

[Aaron Keenan]

You know, it's like a hundred percent. On a Friday night, a bee is having drinks with his friends and he goes, I know who I'm saving my sting for, and it's Brett Kavanaugh.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

When I sting, it'll be Brett Kavanaugh on the tip of his freaking nose. And then on Monday morning, like a little kid.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Is playing soccer and the bees like.

[JPC]

Ah, stink the bees on a flower. And like a dog comes over and it stings it. You know, it's like we all think it's going to be one way and it's not that way.

[Adol]

Okay. Oh, it looks like there's a big pop from the crowd as former legend Wild Style, the horny penguin dressed like Guy Fieri, takes the plate for the first time this season.

[JPC]

And the question on everyone's mind here today, Squab, is will Wild Style be able to restrain his horniness enough to play a full nine innings of penguin baseball?

[Aaron Keenan]

I don't think so, Chip. I am seeing right now he's really making a meal.

[Adol]

Just the way he's holding the bat.

[Aaron Keenan]

Of walking up to the bat. Now he is walking backwards and doing a little tease that he might not go up to plate. Oh, he's going, no, he's not. Oh, he's going, no, he's not.

[JPC]

Strike one. Getting a strike one through the radio feed, it seems like, like it. During his tease, the game has officially started up.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wild Style is humping the plate and making dead eye contact with a young mother in the front row.

[JPC]

It is quite a feat. And if you've never been live at a Penguin baseball game match making eye contact with Wild Style, the Horny Penguin. The Penguin dressed as Guy Fieri as he does some of his his more sexual Penguin antics. You have not experienced Penguin baseball.

[Aaron Keenan]

And strike two. Oh.

[Adol]

And it looks like. Oh, it looks like Wild Style is ripping off his jersey a la Magic Mike.

[JPC]

Okay, so that is a walk.

[Aaron Keenan]

I see it. Got it. I flaw.

[JPC]

It looks like he Beverly Punk has hit him with the egg. That is a walk for Wild Style. Wildstyle classic. A 0.000 batting average. But walks almost every time it goes to the plate. Just because of how erratic he is with his gyrations.

[Adol]

That's right.

[Aaron Keenan]

And I.

[Adol]

We should say Chip and Ramona. We should say that the Penguin Baseball League is just starting off. Of course, we cannot afford Genuine's Pony. So what you just heard was Genuine's Pony.

[Aaron Keenan]

And again, the ball is the egg. I know that has caused a lot of controversy with some of the fans at home. But we think it's funny. So we're not going to change it.

[Adol]

And now it's time for the Flamingos to take the field. Wow.

[Aaron Keenan]

In the middle of the top of the first inning, it's time for the Flamingos to take the field.

[JPC]

After one out, it's time for a little dance break.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wild Style, the Horny Penguin has joined the Flamingos on the field. He is actively trying to get all their numbers.

[JPC]

Well, wait. Now it looks like. It looks like the umpire is calling for a review of that play. The umpire is going to an immediate review. They are going to study the footage of that play. Something it looks like seems amiss.

[Adol]

Okay, Chip, I'm getting word right now. What happened was the Toledo Snow Hens actually got three outs, went in their dugout and then went right back up to bat. It seems it should be The Golden Gate Gen 2's time to bat, not pitch.

[JPC]

Wait. They have three outs. Who got out?

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, I think Beak Rose got out.

[JPC]

Beak Rose got three outs.

[Adol]

He swung three times. At one pitch, Cox Johnson got out. And I think Wild Style.

[JPC]

Oh yeah. Wild Style. Wildstyle got out. Yes, for sure.

[Adol]

So definitely no Wild Style.

[Aaron Keenan]

Gotta run.

[JPC]

Oh yeah. We have Runstone.

[Aaron Keenan]

They're reviewing the footage of reviewing them footage. They're watching the footage of them watching footage.

[Adol]

And the Flamingos are taking the field once again.

[JPC]

Folks, I know it can be confusing. I know it can be confusing why they have to review footage so often. But in penguin baseball, if even one. If even one player, one time is suspected of being a leopard, every penguin on that field is at a serious amount of danger. One leopard can easily eat 15 penguins, and it's not even close.

[Adol]

Yes, there's a reason. You're absolutely right, Chip. There's a reason you haven't heard of a penguin basketball league.

[JPC]

Mm. Mm.

[Adol]

Okay, ladies, are there any questions on what you just watched? Uh, yes.

[JPC]

So while we were watching the video, the volume was pretty low, and through that wall there, we could hear, like, a lot of screaming and noises and stuff. Come. What is behind. What's going on behind that wall?

[Adol]

Those are the guys. Those are the boys. They're warming up. They're getting ready. They're getting pumped. But, yeah.

[E]

Is there a rule against doing thirds on the soup here? Has everyone had at least a bowl of soup where. If I got thirds, it would be okay?

[Adol]

We'll take a poll. Anybody upset about that? Anybody?

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm cool with it.

[JPC]

I'm fine.

[Adol]

I would kind of love to get seconds before you got your thirds. I just feel like that would be more prudent. Would that be okay?

[E]

That's fine.

[JPC]

I didn't know she hadn't had seconds. I already had seconds. That's why I said I'm fine. I'm so sorry.

[E]

I'm just wondering if the seconds are gonna happen soon, because I would like my thirds. But if your seconds aren't gonna be for, like, 20 minutes, that's gonna make it hard for me.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maureen, Just looking out. What? If you have sex tonight, you're gonna be filled with soup.

[E]

No, it's just a lobster bisque.

[Aaron Keenan]

Just a lobster bisque? Maureen, think of what you're saying.

[Adol]

Mm, mm, mm. Can I just say, having run the warmups for both the men and women in previous iterations of this, it is wild how different y'all are. I mean, you can hear the men through there. You women are politely discussing soup distribution. I mean, it's just insane to really see an action.

[Aaron Keenan]

Sorry, I hate to do this, but I can see Maureen serving herself soup. Maureen.

[E]

Well, I'm just seeing that there's a ladle and a half left. So if I do the half ladle, you still get a full ladle for your seconds. Not everyone will get thirds. And that's not my fault. The soup was only put out to an amount where only one of us would be able to get thirds. I'm asking if I could be that one If I can't, that's okay. I just don't get the impression anyone else wants a third.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm trying to look out for you. You don't want to be going on these dates with your torso filled with soup, Maureen.

[Adol]

Why not? You know, I heard there's going to be condoms right on the table. Yes, that's correct. We do. Based off some incidents last year, we did want to have those present. And I just want to apologize. I thought 20 gallons of lobster bisque as just the warmup pre snack. I thought that would be fine. Turns out I'm the asshole here. Sorry I did not make more. I did not know you all would be flying through that.

[E]

No one's an asshole. It's just a really big ladle. So it was hard to know what a portion was.

[JPC]

And can I just say, I feel like everyone's talking around the fact that I had sex three times last year. And the whole condoms on the tables thing makes it seem like I haven't.

[Adol]

Thought about it at all.

[JPC]

No, everyone had. Everyone had.

[Aaron Keenan]

I hadn't even remembered it until just then.

[Adol]

I remember now.

[JPC]

I've seen the Bench ads.

[Adol]

I've seen the Bench ads.

[JPC]

It makes it seem like I wasn't using condoms last year, but I brought condoms. I just don't understand why you would think that if someone was planning on having sex three times at a singles mixer, they wouldn't bring their own condoms.

[Adol]

You brought one big, fat rubber condom.

[JPC]

You can't reuse compliments.

[Aaron Keenan]

I don't think we need to. Maureen. Maureen. I will slap the soup out of your hands. Please, dignity.

[Adol]

You got a big chunk of lobster.

[E]

Oh, my God. Claw.

[JPC]

Claw.

[Adol]

Not fair.

[JPC]

There was claw. I didn't get any claw.

[Aaron Keenan]

I didn't get any claw.

[Adol]

20 gallons of soup and there's one big claw at the very end.

[Aaron Keenan]

Unfinished, expensive event.

[Adol]

And this is actually a big deal. It's almost like if anyone's been to New Orleans. Almost like the hiding of the baby in the King Cake. So, Maureen, whoever gets the claw. Actually, it's pretty easy to fish that out of there with a ladle. If anyone was thinking to look, she has to leave.

[JPC]

Maureen. I'm sorry. It's easy to fish one claw out of 20 gallons of soup with a ladle.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maureen has to lean.

[JPC]

No. That's so sad.

[E]

That's fine. That's fine.

[Adol]

Yeah. Maureen, you do win. Getting to leave. So we do leave the windows open. So you will be able to sort of press your nose up against it like a Dickensian Child.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maureen, wait outside and press your head against the window and watch like a Dickensian child.

[E]

No way. I'm going to Bisque Hut. I'm going to Biscuut.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, don't go to Biscuut.

[Adol]

Morse or Bisque?

[E]

I got a taste for Bisque.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's Valentine's Day. Maureen, please.

[E]

Oh, look, I'm going to Biscuit. I got the claw. I'm going to Biscuit.

[Adol]

Maureen, make us one promise. Tell me you took your shellfish meds today.

[Aaron Keenan]

Please, Maureen.

[Adol]

Promise.

[E]

Well, you just asked me to do two things that are not possible at the same time.

[Aaron Keenan]

Where's the.

[Adol]

Maureen, honestly, lie to me. Tell me you took your shellfish meds.

[E]

I took my shellfish medicine and I'm actually not even allergic.

[Adol]

Oh, Tongue's getting real big.

[JPC]

Big lie.

[Aaron Keenan]

You know what? I'll take the claw. I'll take the claw so Maureen can stay.

[E]

Nice fucking try.

[Adol]

I can't tell if she's being childish or the allergy.

[E]

Nice try, Maureen.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's the hospital. Or is you staying here? You are not going to Biscuit.

[E]

When does the cafeteria at the hospital close?

[Adol]

Why is it a hut? It's an old Pizza Hut that closed down. And then.

[JPC]

What are we even talking about? It's 8:30. I'm so horny. Can we start? I don't care if Maureen leaves. I'm so horny, I have to start these dates.

[Adol]

Will you put that away? There's one on the table. Yeah, there's condoms in the table. You don't have to prep now. All right, let's go ahead and let you loose. And here we go. Round one is Maureen. Actually, Maureen, you're gonna be heading out, okay?

[E]

Am I only moving side to side? Is that something that you all are noticing?

[Adol]

Ha. You're Lobster six. You're moving like a crab.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, Maureen. No, Maureen.

[Adol]

Can't be good. Can't be good.

[E]

No, you're right. It must be psychosomatic if I'm not even moving like a lobster.

[Adol]

Was this fucking crab bisque? You cheapskates. You passed off crab bisque as lobster bisque.

[Aaron Keenan]

We paid $25 for this event. How dare you.

[Adol]

Okay, I apologize. Lobster is not in season. Crab was so. That is a crab claw. I assumed it was all. I figured all shellfish is shellfish. I didn't realize there was, you know, specific allergies to.

[Aaron Keenan]

And you're selfish.

[Adol]

Okay, very nice.

[JPC]

And you were being selfish.

[Adol]

$25 and not a nary a lobster.

[E]

And I'm feeling a little crabby about It.

[Aaron Keenan]

Maureen.

[Adol]

Call.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, I rolled and I'm trying to negotiate a hostage situation and JPC is Professor Stapes. No, that is. No, come on. No, but.

[Adol]

Aaron, come on.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, but. No but.

[JPC]

We'll see.

[Aaron Keenan]

No. No, we won't. Hello?

[JPC]

Hello? Potions class started 30 minutes ago.

[Aaron Keenan]

Mrs. Potter, I'm gonna hang up on you. I have another call coming in.

[JPC]

Okay, bye.

[Adol]

Hello, this is Potions.

[JPC]

Go for Potions.

[Aaron Keenan]

I will. This is the opposite Now. I'll be here all day. Hello?

[JPC]

Hello?

[Aaron Keenan]

Hi.

[JPC]

How are you doing?

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay. Neptune. I tried, guys. I did try. I had a funny idea. I had a funny idea.

[Adol]

Divination.

[Aaron Keenan]

Never see it. They Stapes me, these two boys.

[Adol]

Jason Stapes. A movie.

[Aaron Keenan]

They worked together and they went. This is gonna be a Stapes episode.

[JPC]

Scott Stapes.

[Adol]

All right, Aaron, I'm going to roll the credits again there. And then after those credits, go ahead and do your funny idea that you're gonna do.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay. Hello?

[JPC]

Hello?

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay. Can you. Can you let the hostages go?

[JPC]

Wha. We were gonna kill some of the hostages.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Can you let them go?

[Adol]

What?

[JPC]

I really would rather. I really rather kill them.

[Aaron Keenan]

And I know. And I know. And I know, but why not let them go?

[JPC]

Would you give me something for that? Or is that. Is that rude to ask or.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, I don't think I will. I think. Just let him. Come on.

[JPC]

Can I let half go?

[Aaron Keenan]

It's Christmas. It's Christmas.

[JPC]

I know. I really wanted to keep the hostages here at Nakatomi Tower because I.

[Adol]

No, no, no.

[JPC]

I got them first.

[Aaron Keenan]

I got them first.

[JPC]

No, no. His dream was in.

[Aaron Keenan]

I got there first. I beat you. I got there. I did it. I did it first.

[Adol]

Aaron, Hostages during Christmas. You're basically doing Die Hard, which was Alan Rickman's first.

[Aaron Keenan]

I know.

[JPC]

I know.

[Aaron Keenan]

It was a whole plan.

[Adol]

I had Nakatomi Plaza. Turn to page. Nakadami Plaza. Let the record show you got there first. Aaron, you got there.

[Aaron Keenan]

I got there first. Neptune. Stapes.

[JPC]

Stapes.

[Adol]

Stapes.

[JPC]

Created by Act Apple Refined starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cohen. Casey, Tony did the editing. Marty Parent in the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there. Y2s and 2ks. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. It's improv from the year 2000. You can listen to that, plus the entire back [e-mail] haywardoveriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Adol]

That was a Headgum podcast.