#340: Peter, Paul, and Spendy

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle Podcast Episode #340: "Peter, Paul, and Spendy"

Release Date: January 22, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai (Adol), Erin Keif (Casey), and John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Platform: Headgum

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1. Introduction and Setting the Tone

The episode kicks off with a humorous and slightly chaotic introduction where the hosts navigate through current events without delving too deeply into them. Casey brings up the upcoming Inauguration Day, prompting a playful attempt to steer the conversation away from political discourse.

Notable Quote:
Casey [01:53]: "Reminder to everyone, this will be coming out on Inauguration Day 22nd."

2. The Ice Cream Shop Sketch

Transitioning into a playful skit set in an ice cream shop, the hosts engage in improvisational humor centered around quirky payment methods and unconventional ice cream flavors. The scene highlights their knack for creating entertaining and absurd scenarios.

Notable Quotes:
Aaron [03:07]: "Oh, fantastic. Take your TV back. The song was the currency. The iPad was the tip."
JPC [03:35]: "Well, I could give you a sample of the hay. Or the riddle. Or the riddle."

3. Frozen Fiasco

The conversation shifts to the beloved Disney movie Frozen, with Casey sharing updates about her renewed interest in the film. The hosts discuss Josh Gad's role, blending their improvisation skills with pop culture references.

Notable Quotes:
Casey [04:21]: "I'm just gonna call him. Said Fred."
JPC [05:22]: "He's America's Josh Gad."

4. Personal Grooming and Haircut Tales

Aaron shares a humorous anecdote about his drastic haircut, cutting nine inches off and bleaching his hair. This segment adds a personal touch, allowing listeners to connect with the hosts beyond their improvisational antics.

Notable Quotes:
Aaron [06:39]: "You guys haven't even brought up my haircut once on this recording."
JPC [07:00]: "But they're are company, distinctly making me look more washed out."

5. Tradition of Giving Up Something: The Australian Accent Ban

Reflecting on past traditions, the hosts discuss their decision to give up Australian accents for the year, a playful nod to their ongoing comedic rivalry and cultural references. This segment showcases their ability to weave recurring themes into their conversations.

Notable Quotes:
Adol [08:27]: "But I think now that we're in 2025, meat is back on the menu."
JPC [09:02]: "We pissed off Canada, our 51st state, as of two days ago."

6. Listener Riddles: A Challenge from Jason

Listener engagement takes center stage as Jason sends in a series of riddles related to famous musicians. The hosts dive into solving these riddles, demonstrating their lateral thinking and collaborative problem-solving skills.

Riddle Example:
Aaron [12:14]: "I separate what's independent, but I am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hid in shame. What am I?"

Notable Quotes:
Aaron [12:27]: "These riddles are from Jason. Jason gives us a little thank you at the beginning of the email."
Casey [12:51]: "I think that's a good question."

7. Improvisational Apple Scenes

In an inventive twist, the hosts create improvised scenes based on the riddles' answers, particularly focusing on "apple." These skits blend humor with creative storytelling, showcasing their improvisational prowess.

Scene Highlight:
Casey [43:26]: "We're both named Apple and we're the..."

Notable Quotes:
JPC [42:54]: "I'm a fresh. I'm a... You look like jealous mush."
Casey [43:18]: "I'm a Golden Delicious."

8. The Great Google Debate

Addressing the over-reliance on Google, the hosts debate the merits of limiting their online searches to enhance the authenticity of their improvisations. This introspective segment provides insight into their creative processes and the challenges they face.

Notable Quotes:
Aaron [15:09]: "We cannot look anything up. Can I tell you?"
Casey [28:39]: "No, I'll push it. Let's just make it a new rule on the show. We can't look anything up."

9. Voicemails and Listener Interaction

Listener engagement continues with voicemails featuring scenarios and questions. The hosts offer humorous and practical advice, maintaining their signature blend of wit and relatability.

Voicemail Example:
Shannon [59:52 - 60:20]: "I agreed to be my cousin's maid of honor for her wedding earlier this year and my sister's upcoming wedding. Did I use a speech for my sister's wedding as the same as my cousin's wedding and just change the name?"

Notable Quotes:
JPC [60:20]: "I think you have to not do that."
Aaron [60:38]: "I say do it and don't change the name."

10. Promotional Segments and Final Remarks

Wrapping up the episode, the hosts plug their Patreon, upcoming shows, and encourage listeners to engage further. They also share final humorous reflections, ensuring the episode ends on a lively and entertaining note.

Notable Quotes:
Casey [64:06]: "If you're listening to this and you say, hey, I enjoy the free podcast, you might enjoy the subscriber-only feed."
Aaron [64:06]: "Check out Quality Time on Instagram. It's the monthly show I host in Los Angeles."

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Key Takeaways and Conclusions

• Balancing Current Events and Entertainment: The hosts adeptly navigate sensitive topics, choosing to focus on humor and creativity rather than delving into potentially divisive issues.

• Emphasis on Improvisation: Their ability to create engaging and humorous improvisational scenes keeps the content fresh and entertaining for listeners.

• Listener Engagement: Through riddles and voicemails, they maintain a strong connection with their audience, fostering a sense of community and participation.

• Creative Challenges: The debate over limiting Google usage highlights their commitment to authentic creativity, pushing themselves to rely more on their knowledge and less on external resources.

• Humorous Banter: The seamless blend of jokes, personal anecdotes, and pop culture references ensures a lively and engaging listening experience.

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Final Thoughts

Episode #340 of Hey Riddle Riddle exemplifies the hosts' unique blend of humor, improvisation, and audience interaction. From playful skits in an ice cream shop to the intellectual challenge of solving listener-submitted riddles, Adol, Casey, and JPC deliver a rich and entertaining episode that caters to both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

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Remember to join the Clue Crew for weekly bonus episodes at Patreon.com/heyriddleriddle!

Transcript

[Aaron]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Adol]

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[Casey]

Real quick, this I just wanted to check on 3:40. When's Inauguration Day?

[JPC]

January 20th.

[Casey]

Okay, so I think this is coming out on Inauguration Day 22nd. Oh, this is coming out on the 22nd. Okay. Yeah. So this will be. Yeah. Just so everybody knows, Trump is presenting.

[Aaron]

Some good old fashioned escapism, huh, gang, let's not bring it up at all.

[Casey]

Okay, well, yeah, yeah, I don't want to.

[Aaron]

Welcome to hey Riddle Riddle Ice Cream Shop. What can I get you today?

[Casey]

Ooh, okay, so.

[JPC]

Oh, sorry. You go ahead.

[Casey]

We're just not going to talk about what happened two days ago. The insurrection.

[Aaron]

I could give you a sample of the hay. Or the riddle. Or the riddle.

[Casey]

Karen, before we started recording, did you not say let's talk about what just happened two days ago at the inauguration? And the bigots are. Am I going craz? Am I taking crazy pill?

[JPC]

Is this made with 2% milk or whole milk?

[Aaron]

It's actually oat milk. And isn't that interesting?

[JPC]

Oat milk.

[Casey]

Oat milk. This is what those patriots were protesting two days ago.

[Aaron]

Well, the hay is actually pretty tangy. It's sort of like more of like a shaved ice Tangy.

[JPC]

That's good.

[Aaron]

Yeah, that is good. And then this riddle is very, very creamy, very rich, very chocolatey. And this riddle is a little bit more like vanilla Y with like a little caramel in it.

[Casey]

Okay, well, I'll take a vanilla riddle, if you know what I'm saying. You know, I'll take it because we have something that's kind of orange, kind of tangy orange.

[JPC]

Take a sugar cone with two scoops of vanilla. And here is my TV to pay for it.

[Aaron]

Oh, fantastic.

[JPC]

Of course, currency is no longer there. Accepted. So my TV should suffice.

[Aaron]

That makes sense. A family came in here a moment ago and paid with an iPad and a song. So, yeah. Okay, here you go. Which was too. Can I keep the change?

[JPC]

Pulls OUT KNIFE no, I'll keep the change.

[Aaron]

Oh, fantastic. Take your TV back. The song was the currency. The iPad was the tip. To answer your question, sir.

[Casey]

That makes sense. That makes sense.

[Aaron]

Well, I thought this could be some good old fashioned escapism, which I think is what I actually said right before we started recording. Hold on, I don't know what?

[Casey]

Escapism. Escapism.

[Aaron]

Welcome to the apocalypse, everybody. We're still. Hey, Riddle, Riddle. We got you through four years of this before, and we're gonna be there for you now. We actually only were there for two years before because the show started 2018.

[JPC]

What if every day we wore those scream masks?

[Aaron]

It would be a lateral move, I think.

[Casey]

Are you just saying that in general? Like, what if the three of us just started wearing scream masks? Yeah.

[JPC]

I don't know. Just to mix it up. I'm bored. Yeah, let's just start wearing scream masks if you're bored.

[Casey]

I know. I have a cure for what ails you. Obviously, when we're recording this, it hasn't even happened yet, so we're not going to be talking about who's president or whatever. I'm going to give the people what they actually want. A Frozen update. That's right. I watched more Frozen.

[JPC]

Walt Disney's head. Oh, yes, yes, yes. The movie. The movie.

[Casey]

The movie's Frozen. I've watched more of it and I have a absolute bombshell for the two of you.

[Aaron]

Okay. Incredible. It's 2014 all over again. Can't wait to talk about Frozen. Let's do it.

[Casey]

Did you two know? Did the two of you know? Were the two of you aware. Casey, you can chime in on this as well. That Josh Gad is in Frozen.

[JPC]

You mean Olaf?

[Casey]

Well, okay, so somebody is familiar.

[JPC]

He's playing his Book of Mormon character and his video game Adam Sandler movie character and his Josh Gad.

[Casey]

He's America's Josh Gad.

[JPC]

He's the new Gilbert Godfrey.

[Casey]

In my opinion, Gad's in it. He's in Frozen. If you didn't think Gad was in Frozen, like, twice, you could miss him. But he just showed up. And get this. This motherfucker sings a song about wanting to be in summertime. He's a snowman in this movie.

[Aaron]

Tpc. When was the last time you got out of the house? When was the last time you went for a walk?

[Casey]

No spoilers. That's as far as we got. That's as far as we got before nail clipping time was over. And I gotta say, Frozen, not really working the same magic for nail clipping time that it used to. I might never. I might be done watching Frozen. About halfway through.

[JPC]

You should switch to a different era of Disney movies. Like, switch to, you know, the Golden Era, your Lion Kings, your Little Mermaids. Or switch to the Bronze Era, your. Sorry, this is Secrets of Dims.

[Aaron]

Have you tried fireworks?

[Casey]

Oh, yeah, I light those off of the house.

[JPC]

Yeah, Just kind of. It's not a Disney movie.

[Casey]

She gives me a talking to. She goes, hey, you know what? These are for the yard and these are for the summer. And I'm like, you know, rules. I got so many rules in this goddamn house. What am I supposed to do?

[Aaron]

You guys haven't even brought up my haircut once on this recording, I cut 9 inches off my hair and I bleached the fuck out of it.

[JPC]

Wait a minute. You told us 10 inches pre recording.

[Aaron]

Okay, it was nine and a half. Shrinkage.

[Casey]

Were you in a pool?

[Aaron]

I was in a pool. Shrinkage. And I get what that means.

[Casey]

Yeah, shrinkage.

[JPC]

Jerry. Aaron, it looks fantastic.

[Aaron]

Thank you so much. Okay, now I can be old man puzzles. Now that I got my compliment. Yes, yes, Jerry, you also look tan. Oh, thank you. I think that's just the lighting in here. I'm famously a Victorian ghost.

[Casey]

It may be because now that your hair is lighter, it makes it look like you are tanner. Is that. Would that be how it works? Yeah, that could be how it works, sure.

[Aaron]

I think it's the opposite. I think this probably is making me look more washed out. Well, I got my compliment, and I'm ready to be old man puzzles. Can I hear you say way? Oh, okay.

[Casey]

Way.

[Aaron]

Mo. Okay. Perfect. And we're still doing. Just checking. Now that the world has changed so much and we're sort of in a dark place, we're still doing riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems.

[JPC]

One more. This is last year. This is. This will be. I'm going to say it. Last year.

[Casey]

This is the last year of it.

[Aaron]

I love that attitude.

[JPC]

Seattle, 2025. Keeping Riddles Alive, 2026. Pivot.

[Casey]

Pivot. Pivot.

[JPC]

Pivot.

[Aaron]

Pivot.

[Casey]

Pivot. Sex, Jeremy. Pivot. Yeah. Ooh. Sex. Oh, God. Aaron would be great at this.

[Aaron]

I am having a ton of sex, so. No, that is a Soundbite of me put a balloon in my ass. It's a clown off.

[Casey]

Aaron Fake pressed a button as well. That's very funny. Adol. Yeah, Forgive me if we've talked about this. In 2024, we were not doing any Australian accents on the podcast. Ooh.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Casey]

But I think now that we're in 2025.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Meat is back on the menu. Am I wrong?

[JPC]

Well, shrimp is back on the barbie.

[Casey]

I think Shrimp is back on the barbie. And if you could make the meme, send it to us. You know the one I'm talking about. You know the one I'm talking about.

[JPC]

I do want to see orcs at a restaurant perusing the menu. What's the. So you're asking. I assume you're sort of posing to be. What are we banning this year?

[Aaron]

Wait, what are we.

[Casey]

Oh, I was.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Casey]

I was just like, yeah, I've been.

[Aaron]

Waiting to ask you guys that since 2018. What are we. What is this? What are we doing?

[Casey]

Aaron, that is such an LA question. Don't ask. Two Chicago guys. What are we?

[JPC]

Two Italian beef giardiniera dudes.

[Casey]

Hot dip. Wet bag.

[JPC]

Giardadera Wet bag is what he said.

[Casey]

Jordi deary, we're just three podcast hosts. Oh, I. I guess Adol, first of all, celebrating. I was excited about the fact that we can do Australian on the podcast again. But you are correct. I think you have set up a tradition, like a New Year's tradition, that we do have to give something up.

[JPC]

Yes. Sort of a year long Lent. Why don't we give up. Speaking of Lent, why don't we give up the 90s one hit wonder Band? Lynn. Is that their name now?

[Casey]

It is a band now. Lynn did Steal My Sunshine. Is that the one?

[JPC]

Stealing my sunshine?

[Aaron]

You have to give me more of a ramp. If I'm giving them up for a.

[JPC]

Whole year, they steal my sunshine.

[Casey]

Aaron, you can no longer.

[JPC]

I don't know if I can go a whole year without singing a song that I barely know the words to.

[Casey]

Well, we could also not sing like the guy. So we can't go like I was standing in a hot tub with a bunch of my old friends. We can't do that anymore.

[Aaron]

What are we supposed to do?

[Casey]

I don't know.

[JPC]

Oh, wow.

[Casey]

I don't know.

[JPC]

Aaron, I'm so sorry. I already said it. So word is bond. Oh, we really fucked ourselves.

[Aaron]

I've never wanted to sing a song more in my whole life. I'm gonna barf real quick.

[JPC]

Sorry. Aaron said I've never in my whole life. And she was kind of doing the.

[Casey]

Cut that out.

[JPC]

She was kind of doing the voice.

[Aaron]

Adel, you're kind of stealing my sunshine right now.

[Casey]

We have to be very careful this year, Aaron. Especially with what happened two days ago. It's more important than now, than ever.

[Aaron]

Last year we banned Australian accents and ADOL did it two weeks later and.

[JPC]

We pissed off an entire country and continent. And this year, I'm sure we've just offended Lead nation.

[Casey]

Yeah. And I think that the guy from Lynn is a listener.

[JPC]

Say his name.

[Casey]

Okay, so a year from now, it's gotta be Bradley, Right? Like that. That seems like a guy whose name is Bradley.

[JPC]

Jody Maine. No, Mark Costanzo. Sharon Costanzo. Ooh, married couple.

[Casey]

Oh, congratulations, Lynn. You did it.

[JPC]

Len is a. Oh, no, guys, look what we accidentally did.

[Aaron]

What?

[JPC]

Len is a Canadian alternative rock duo. We've pissed off Canada, our 51st state, as of two days ago.

[Aaron]

Oh, God. Jesus. A year from now, we will have a whole episode dedicated to the song Steal youl Sunshine. Steal My sunshine. Steal the sunshine Steal my sunshine Steal your sunshine.

[JPC]

Stop the steal, Aaron. As of two days ago.

[Aaron]

Steal your sunshine.

[JPC]

We stop the Steal my Sunshine.

[Aaron]

Okay, these are from Jason.

[JPC]

Oh, real quick. Oh, so sorry. Very. This is actually important. The two members of the band with the last name Costanzo are brother sister. So I just wanna make that clear.

[Aaron]

But they're married.

[Casey]

Oh, that's even worse. That they're married.

[JPC]

They are married. They're just brother, sister. Aaron, please.

[Casey]

I thought you said that Lynn was a duo. Who are these brother and sister?

[JPC]

Oh, sorry. I looked up the White Stripes. Is that not Lynn? The White Stripes.

[Aaron]

And these riddles are from Jason. Jason gives us a little thank you at the beginning of the email. Due to the state of, well, gestures vaguely at America, I have found myself in dire need of belly laughs. And your riddles and puzzies have been a profound antidote. So thank you for that. So here are some warm up riddles. The riddle is derived of a name and a short description. The solution is the name of a famous musician.

[JPC]

Oh, fuck.

[Aaron]

These will become very clear.

[JPC]

I hope it's not Lyn.

[Aaron]

And guess what? They're all Lyn. Idiot. And now we're stuck in a riddle without a paddle. Okay, they're in a riddle without a paddle. So Dave delivers his signature devastating insult.

[JPC]

Okay, so this is a famous band, Dave, or musician Dave, delivers his signature scathing insult.

[Aaron]

Devastating insult.

[JPC]

Devastating insult. So, Dave, Chappelle Chapel. Chappelle Rowan.

[Aaron]

No. So Dave Think you're doing too much work? Do less work.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron]

What's another way. What could Dave be short for?

[Casey]

Aaron, while we're doing less work? Mark Costanzo, half of Lynn. He has another name. He goes by another name. I don't know where he goes by this other name, but on Wikipedia, they said that he goes by another name, and that is Burger Pimp.

[Aaron]

I think. What if we gave up Googling this year?

[Casey]

Burger Pimp.

[Aaron]

We really have been hot on the Google this last couple years. We Google a lot during this. What if we gave it up?

[Casey]

If. Oh, please.

[JPC]

Very quickly. I was just going to say it wouldn't be fair for me to make this big ban on Len on this podcast and not do anything for Magic Tavern. So I'm just going to go ahead and say it for Magic Tavern. In 2025, officially, Arnie fell into a portal behind a Burger Pimp, into a magical land, et cetera, et cetera.

[Aaron]

You have to run that shit by them. I've heard them say that to you before. Matt and Arnie are like, you got to start running shit by us. Dizzy.

[JPC]

That's good.

[Casey]

I thought you were going to say that you would ban the Burger Pimp from the podcast. And I was, like, looking at my email, like, I guess I have to come up with a whole new character for next week. I can't come on as the Burger Pimp.

[JPC]

Surprise. Jpc.

[Casey]

The fastest cut character in the history of Magic Tavern. They cut the episode two minutes into me talking. They were like, oh, no, we can't air this. You cannot be the Burger Pimp.

[Aaron]

When you give up something you're addicted to, you're not supposed to say you're gonna give it up for a long period of time. So let's just say no one can Google anything while we're recording for the next month.

[Casey]

Can we use DuckDuckGo? I've been using DuckDuckGo. What?

[Aaron]

We cannot look anything up. Can I tell you? It used to be a analog podcast. We used to sit a proper country, a proper podcast. We used to sit all together in the same room with our phones thrown across the room, and we used to look each other in the eye a lot. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. And we would look if I was. If I was Old Man Puzzles. Of course, that's where my riddles were. But we were laughing. We were together. We weren't Googling things. We had to guess. We had to lie if we didn't know something. Let's go back to the Good old days.

[JPC]

There's a tangible joy to be in the same room with each other. And I think, jbc, you can speak for yourself, but I think I speak for all of us. What I say, the best part was when the three of us recorded in the same room at any millisecond, the smell. At any millisecond, in the middle of a word, at the end of a sentence, Aaron could pop up and say, I have to go to the bathroom.

[Aaron]

Aaron, how do you remember that?

[Casey]

Your bladder control while you're at home is, like, way better. What is your secret? I see you drinking liquids, so I know that you're always peeing.

[Aaron]

I think I'm way less hydrated than I was.

[Casey]

Oh, no, don't tell me that. I don't like to hear that.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I'm just less okay than I was when we were recording in person.

[Casey]

Can I tell you something?

[Aaron]

What?

[Casey]

I've been trying to pee less.

[JPC]

Smart.

[Aaron]

What were we doing? Okay, Dave delivered.

[Casey]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. When you're at home all the time, I've been working, you can pee whenever you want. So it's like, I could just be like, oh, I kind of have to pee. I'll pee. But if you pee all the time, your bladder shrinks, and then you can't hold a lot of pee inside.

[JPC]

Or poison.

[Casey]

I need to hold the pee inside for some other stuff that I don't.

[Aaron]

I've lost control of the room. I've lost control of the room. Let's do it.

[JPC]

Aaron, if I may. Oh. Oh, you were. That was Michelle Yeoh in Wicked. When she claps, roll twice for the Monkeys to pay attention. Wait, are we the Monkeys?

[Aaron]

Did the Monkeys pay attention? Did the Monkeys pay attention?

[JPC]

Fuck. Jpc. Okay. Ooh, ooh.

[Aaron]

I'm gonna try it again.

[Casey]

Okay.

[Aaron]

Silence.

[Casey]

Hey, hey. We're the Monkeys.

[Aaron]

Dave delivers his signature devastating insult.

[JPC]

Dave's not.

[Aaron]

Hear me Adol. You had it before, David. Mm. And then devastating insult.

[JPC]

Jab, Dave, jab.

[Aaron]

No.

[JPC]

Sick, David, sick. Semper tyrannis.

[Aaron]

No. It's also something you can get from a fire.

[JPC]

Burn. Burn. Sick. Byrne. David Byrne.

[Aaron]

David Byrne. Yes.

[Casey]

David Byrne.

[Aaron]

Well, that's him.

[Casey]

I would like to announce I now understand how to do this.

[Aaron]

Okay, thank you. I think we should bring those back this year as formal announcements.

[JPC]

Make it up as we go along.

[Aaron]

I saw Stop Making Sense in a theater recently. They showed it on the big screen and it was so good.

[JPC]

I never seen it live. And it was a religious experience. It Was amazing.

[Aaron]

So cool.

[JPC]

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't. That wasn't stopping sense. It was whatever. American Utopia. David Burns, American Utopia.

[Aaron]

Jealous. Jealous.

[Casey]

I was gonna say, stop making sense.

[Aaron]

The 80s, yeah. Adol would have been like 40.

[Casey]

I thought he was leading me into it and I was like, am I gonna. Does he want me to do it? Like, I don't understand.

[JPC]

I'll do it.

[Casey]

That'll be like, yeah, but scariest movie I ever saw was the one where the train was coming right up the screen. I'm like, is it? Am I?

[JPC]

Back then, D.W. griffith was my neighbor.

[Aaron]

And he told me, frederick can indicate the temperature.

[Casey]

Right, Temp Fred?

[JPC]

Right Temp Fred.

[Aaron]

Fuck.

[Casey]

Is it right Temp Fred?

[JPC]

No, Frederick can indicate the temperature.

[Aaron]

What is a nickname for Frederick?

[Casey]

I do want to see a scene. I have to see a scene. I have to see a scene.

[JPC]

Freddie got fingered.

[Casey]

Freddie Adol, you're familiar with the band, Right Set Fred.

[JPC]

Freddie Mercury? I am, yes.

[Casey]

He got there. So you are the lead singer of. Right, Said Fred and Aaron, you've called an H Vac person because your heat is not working in your house. And Adol, you are the lead singer, Said Fred, who is there to work on the H Vac.

[JPC]

Sorry, I'm the H Vac employee coming to her house.

[Casey]

Yes. Okay. Yeah, but you are. I don't know the man's name. I'm just gonna call him. Said Fred.

[JPC]

I'm sure it's Fred.

[Aaron]

Ah, thank you so much for coming. It is freezing in here. Sorry, I'm wearing gloves and hat.

[JPC]

I'm here to help. I'm here to help your temp. To help your tempest.

[Aaron]

Sorry, are you a singing telegram? This might be the wrong house. Our heat has been out for three weeks.

[JPC]

I'm here to H Vac. I'm here to H Vac. So H Vac. It hurts.

[Aaron]

Our cat died because of the lack of heat and we've been calling.

[JPC]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry. It hurts.

[Aaron]

I. Okay, you know what? Come on in. You're nervous. I'm nervous. I'm freezing.

[JPC]

Should take off my shoes.

[Aaron]

No.

[JPC]

Should take off my shoes. Sho. It hurts.

[Aaron]

What hurts? What hurts, sir?

[JPC]

Do. Do hast. Ian.

[Casey]

From the very beginning, I was like, is he doing Duhas? It sounds like Rob Stein.

[Aaron]

You got it. It's Freddie Mercury.

[JPC]

Have you guys. At this point, have you guys seen Nosferatu?

[Casey]

No.

[Aaron]

I would rather die than see that movie. I met up with some friends to See, Mufasa, right after they had seen Nosferatu and they said their hearts hurt, it was so scary.

[JPC]

Mufasa.

[Aaron]

No. Well, yes, Mufasa, but also.

[Casey]

Yeah. It's terrifying to learn how it all begins.

[JPC]

How scar gets a scar. I was gonna do. After doing Du Hast, I was gonna do Nosferatu or Count Warlock. Because, speaking of Olaf, because he. The whole time he talks like this, he says, you are my wife and it's Gad. It's what?

[Casey]

It's Gad.

[JPC]

It's Gad. No, it's Pennywise's brother.

[Aaron]

Oh, no, it's just Pennywise.

[JPC]

It's Pennywise. No, no, no, it's Pennywise's brother. Right.

[Aaron]

No, it's Pennywise. It's Bill Skarsgard. Right? It's the littlest one. We can't Google.

[JPC]

I thought Bill was the one from.

[Aaron]

No, that's Alexander Skarsgrd.

[JPC]

True vampires or whatever.

[Casey]

The littlest Skarsgrd is still, what, like, seven feet tall?

[Aaron]

Yes. I guess. I mean, the youngest Skarsgrd. But you know what? Adol. Let's just call you. Right. Because again, we can't Google for the next month.

[Casey]

We.

[JPC]

No, I prefer not to.

[Casey]

Okay, so I think also he's the tallest, too. He's like, born to play monsters because of how tall he is.

[Aaron]

You're making it hard to not Google gpc. This kind of talk. We can't. I'd actually see a scene. No, no, no.

[JPC]

That's how my series turned off.

[Aaron]

You two are guys who work in an office. And jpc, you just discovered that you can always sort of indicate the temperature and you're informing ADOL about it.

[JPC]

So are you using the copy machine?

[Casey]

Coffee or copy? Because I'm using both. And no, before you ask, I'm not doing what you think I'm doing. I'm not trying to copy my coffee.

[JPC]

It looks like you're copying the copy.

[Casey]

Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah. Shit. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. No. Hey, Lucky nothing spilled. No, I'm making copies and I just made a coffee and I did that thing where I was like. I switched it in my brain and. Well, thank you for being on the lookout.

[JPC]

Making copies.

[Casey]

Yeah. Rob Schneider. Big fan of his stuff nowadays. Hey, is it 1 degree colder in here than it usually is?

[JPC]

That can't be possible. It's always 68 degrees on the nose. On the. What the fuck? It's 67.

[Casey]

Yeah, I feel like it was 67. What the hell? Yeah, I will. I'll send the office manager an email, see if we can bump it back up to 68. I don't know why it was 67.

[JPC]

Yeah. Tad. Sorry, this is just. Are you. No, that's impossible. You. You're not an expert. You're not an X Men or something? Oh, that's. Ooh.

[Casey]

That's 102.

[JPC]

What's 102?

[Casey]

That's 102. That's too hot.

[JPC]

That can't possibly be. Pulls out turkey thermometer. 102.

[Casey]

That's too hot. Am I wrong? That's too hot on the nose.

[JPC]

102. Tad.

[Aaron]

Hey, Tad. Nice to see you back in the office after you got struck by lightning. Looking good, pal.

[JPC]

Hair's insane, but looking good.

[Casey]

I can't comb.

[JPC]

It won't stay flat.

[Casey]

No, it will. It's just that thing. If I touch a comb to it, to comb, I think it gets charged with the lightning and it shoots. Shoots out of my hand.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Casey]

And it can be really. Combs can move fast when they get charged by lightning.

[JPC]

It's like Gambit. What's that saying? It's like Gambit.

[Casey]

What? In what. In what way? And what.

[JPC]

Like he would charge like a playing card or like a comb with kinetic energy and then whip it and it fly real fast and explode?

[Casey]

Who is this? I'm sorry, I'm so not familiar with what you're talking about.

[JPC]

This is what I'm talking about. You should be an X Men. You're like Temperature Man. Or like Thermo. Thermos. Thermatat.

[Aaron]

Who are you talking to?

[JPC]

You don't tell her. I'll go away. If you tell her, I'll disappear and I'll never come back.

[Casey]

I'm talking to Rick and you. You and Rick from.

[JPC]

Don't mention me.

[Aaron]

Rick died, like, three years ago. What are you talking about? Is there a new Rick that works here?

[Casey]

Is there a new Rick? New Rick, Tad, AKA New Rick.

[JPC]

The lottery numbers for next week are going to be seven.

[Casey]

Hold on, hold on. Turn on the TV.

[Aaron]

Oh, can you?

[Casey]

TV's doing something.

[Aaron]

They never do this seed. Okay. Samuel prepares a delicious meal.

[JPC]

You got this, Sam Cooke?

[Aaron]

Yes. Nat has 10,000 of those.

[JPC]

Sorry, who does?

[Casey]

10,000 Maniacs.

[Aaron]

Nat. Nat.

[JPC]

Nat King Cole. Nat.

[Casey]

Natalie Imbruglio.

[JPC]

Nathan. For you. Nathan.

[Aaron]

Natalie.

[JPC]

Natalie Merchant.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron]

Pete will give you a dollar.

[JPC]

Peter spends. Peter Cash. Johnny Cash. Peter, Peter, Paul and Spendy gave real.

[Aaron]

Hold on.

[Casey]

Ah.

[Aaron]

Peter Poll and Spendy. Peter Poll and Spendy. Peter Poll and spendy. Peter Poll and Spendy. He said, Peter poll and Spendi. And they almost moved on from it. It's Peter Pollard. Spendy.

[Casey]

That feels like they're like. They're like, producer knows that Mary spent way more of their money. And he was like, oh, look who it is. Peter and Paul and Spendy.

[JPC]

Peter and Paul.

[Aaron]

I have a gambling problem. I'm working on it.

[JPC]

Peter and Paul are like, like, harmonizing. And then Spendy's like, the budget's gone. It's all gone. We have to leave the studio. We can't afford this.

[Aaron]

Puffy the Magic Dragon. I lost all of our money last night. I bet it all on black. We don't have enough money to leave Veg.

[JPC]

All their songs are about getting their legs broke.

[Aaron]

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.

[Casey]

I sold the hammer. I sold the hammer.

[JPC]

I sold the hammer.

[Casey]

So this is Pete, Peter. Wait, what was the. What was the.

[Aaron]

Peter will give you a dollar.

[JPC]

Peter will give you a dollar. Peter will give you a dollar. Pete.

[Casey]

Pete. Pete. Ou. Pete.

[Aaron]

IOU no, what's another way of saying dollar, specifically?

[JPC]

Buck. Pete Buck.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[JPC]

Wait, hold on. Pete Buck.

[Aaron]

Peter Buck.

[JPC]

Peter Buck. Am I misunderstanding?

[Casey]

I wish I could Google, because I don't know who the fuck Peter Buck is. Is that a musician?

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Casey.

[Aaron]

He was.

[Casey]

Aaron, you know it.

[Aaron]

He's the guy from rem, isn't he?

[JPC]

Peter Buck. All I know is Michael.

[Casey]

He's the guy from rem.

[Aaron]

He might be the guy from rem.

[JPC]

Michael Stipes, the guy.

[Casey]

Michael Stipes, the guy from.

[Aaron]

He is.

[JPC]

And number two is Michael Shannon.

[Aaron]

Casey, can you Google it?

[JPC]

As editor of this show, I cannot enable you by Googling things for you. Wow, Casey taking a stand.

[Casey]

Tough but fair.

[Aaron]

I looked it up earlier and he's in rem.

[Casey]

Okay, if he's in rem, maybe he's gotta be like the third guy from rem. He cannot be one of the guys.

[Aaron]

Because again, we can't Google for a whole.

[Casey]

We can't know. We can't know.

[Aaron]

You guys, I'm addicted to Googling. I'm Spendy. I'm Spendy. It's me.

[JPC]

I'm Searchie. Peter, Paul and Searchie.

[Aaron]

I'm Searchy. Peter Poll. I'm Searchy. Okay. Steven stops to think for a moment. I like this one.

[Casey]

You know what it is, though? It's a defense mechanism. Because we started Googling things. Because we used to not Google things. And then an episode would be out. And then for the rest of time, when someone would listen to that episode from 2019, they'd say, it's actually supposedly. And we'd be like, if we had just googled it, we would have known. We would have known. But we didn't.

[JPC]

And Secret of Dim was a Disney movie. And actually, I don't know, man.

[Aaron]

So true. I thought you said so we wouldn't have to look each other in the eye.

[Casey]

You know what? So I think that this is good. I think that this. I've come all the way around in 2025, we don't look anything up and we just say fuck it.

[Aaron]

Just for the first month. Let's start with a month. And if we can get through the month, then we'll keep it going.

[Casey]

No, I'll push it. Let's just make it a new rule on the show. We can't look anything up.

[Aaron]

That's a nightmare.

[Casey]

We know what we know. What about riddles?

[JPC]

What about riddles?

[Casey]

Oh, yeah. We still look those up. Baby, I've been cheating since 2018.

[Aaron]

Steven stops to think for a moment.

[JPC]

Steven Stills. Steven Stills becomes still. Steven becomes still. Aaron, is my mic on? Steven becomes still.

[Aaron]

No.

[Casey]

Steven stops and thinks for a moment.

[JPC]

Oh. Steve ponders.

[Aaron]

Steve Ponder is pondering poise.

[JPC]

Pondering poi. Dog.

[Aaron]

It's not Steven and it's not Steve. So what's another one?

[Casey]

It's not Steve. Six. Steve.

[Aaron]

There's another way. It's like a little bit longer than Steve.

[JPC]

Steve. O. Stevie.

[Aaron]

Yep.

[JPC]

Steve Irini waits. Stevie Nicks.

[Aaron]

Stevie.

[Casey]

Stevie Wonders.

[Aaron]

Wonder.

[Casey]

Stevie Wonder.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron]

Steve Ponders. Look at Steve Ponders.

[Casey]

Yeah. Steve Ponders is a Stevie Wonders cover band.

[Aaron]

For sure. Charles's favorite fruit snack.

[JPC]

Chuck Fruit.

[Casey]

Chuck Berry.

[Aaron]

Chuck Berry.

[Casey]

Yes. Chuck Fruit.

[Aaron]

I'm actually gonna go back and we're gonna see a scene. Adol. You're a guy named Pete and you're lending JPC money. For the last time. This is his last straw.

[JPC]

All right, here you go. This is. This is $8,000 cash. And I want you to know.

[Casey]

Yep.

[JPC]

I expect it paid in full in 30 days.

[Casey]

Yes.

[JPC]

And this is the last time.

[Casey]

And. And we're. And please just whatever you do, don't tell my sister because I. I thank you for letting me, you know, meet you at your job, but this is the last time. I just don't. I don't need it to hear from her.

[JPC]

Well, she's in the kitchen. Of course. Yeah. You're my brother in law. I'd do anything for you. But this ends now. So I guess I'd do anything for you up until just now. Now there's a limit.

[Casey]

Is it 30 calendar days to pay you back.

[JPC]

She's coming. She's coming. She's coming. Hey, Carol, you must have.

[Casey]

No, I won't suck your dick.

[Aaron]

Whoa. What's happening?

[Casey]

Carol, your husband just gave me $8,000 to suck his dick.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. Did you.

[JPC]

No, Sweetie, what are you.

[Aaron]

Strike three.

[JPC]

Shit. I've done this two times before. I did this two times before.

[Aaron]

Three. Strike three.

[JPC]

Sweetie, come on.

[Aaron]

Give me strike three.

[JPC]

No. Ball three. Ball three. Ball three. No full count. Make it a full count.

[Casey]

Ball four.

[JPC]

Come on.

[Aaron]

Absolutely disgusting. The innuendo in that. Disgusting.

[Casey]

Kick him out.

[Aaron]

Strike three.

[Casey]

It's the third time you've done.

[Aaron]

It was an accident. This time it was clearly on purpose.

[JPC]

No, your brother wouldn't. He's borrowing money.

[Casey]

I would never. He would never borrow money.

[JPC]

Then give the 8,000 back.

[Casey]

I earned this.

[Aaron]

You sucked his dick.

[Casey]

I already did a little bit.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God.

[JPC]

No. Come on.

[Aaron]

You both are just as bad as each other.

[Casey]

Why are you mad at me?

[Aaron]

You sucked his dick for $8,000. My husband, my own brother.

[Casey]

That's my job.

[Aaron]

I know. I know.

[Casey]

My job is to do that.

[JPC]

Here's the crazy thing. I don't even know if $8,000 is a deal or not. I don't know the going rate.

[Aaron]

Yeah, right. You don't know the going rate, Mr. Three. You don't know the going rule.

[Casey]

You know what? Here's what I'll do. I'll take half. That's fair.

[Aaron]

I'll take half, and I'll take the other half. That is fair.

[Casey]

And she'll take the other half. That's fair. Pete, get out of here. Pete, why don't you go think about this? Strike three. Pete, go to the other room and think about this. Okay? How many more times do you think we could do this?

[Aaron]

Three.

[JPC]

The Costanzo siblings.

[Aaron]

Well, on that note.

[Casey]

On that blowjob note, we can't do the Costanzo siblings. Not for the whole year. We can't do that.

[Aaron]

Oh, no. How about, that's the last blowjob scene we ever do before break on the podcast. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. All right, we're going to go on a break, and I'm going to sort of reset.

[JPC]

This is my new favorite episode. Aaron, jpc. Welcome. Welcome to my dreams. We're all riding a bed, like a. Like a car or a boat. Like. Like Little Nemo. Remember Little Nemo?

[Casey]

Little Nemo, Yeah.

[JPC]

Little Nemo. The guy in the bed is like a flying Bed. We're all in a flying. Well, you're in my dreams, so I.

[Aaron]

Wanted to dream we were on the moon.

[JPC]

Aaron, right now you are on a Helix mattress. So you can dream about anything you want. Helix is the most comfortable mattress I have ever owned in my life. It gives me the best night's sleep. All my cats love it, my wife loves it. They're the best.

[Casey]

And you won't automatically learn to lucid dream when you're on a Helix mattress, but if you want to learn to lucid dream, you kind of have to do it while you're asleep. So, like, a Helix mattress could be part of that experience.

[Aaron]

When I took the sleep quiz, I got paired with a Midnight Lux and now I'm sad every time I'm not in my bed. I miss it right now, actually.

[Casey]

Yeah. I'm also currently not in my bed and it is awful. I feel like my skin is on fire. I want to go back to my bed.

[JPC]

I have the Helix luxe mattress which gives me just the right amount of firmness. I like to use a lot of pillows. This mattress is like being in a warm hug in the ocean. No sharks in this ocean. Completely free of animal life in this ocean.

[Casey]

And I will say you can buy a king size mattress from Helix Mattress and they do not do any sort of, like, check to make sure that you are worthy of that. They will sell a king size mattress to a joker. If you could believe that.

[JPC]

You don't need a crown, you don't need a scepter, you don't need gout in your foot. You can buy this even if you're not a king.

[Casey]

Now I know what jpc, Surely Helix isn't offering some sort of deal to our listeners.

[Aaron]

Jpc Surely Helix is not offering some sort of deal to our listeners.

[Casey]

Shut up, all of you fools. No, right now they are having their MLK flash sale. You can save up to 27% off site wide plus get two free dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Just go to helixsleep.com riddle that's helixsleep.com.

[Aaron]

Riddle helixleep.com riddle helixleep dot com riddle.

[JPC]

But don't take it from us. Take it from my four cats. Who a heel. Oh, they're all asleep. They're all asleep on the bed. Oh, Aaron's curling up amongst them.

[Aaron]

Okay, I'm their king.

[Casey]

I know. We're back from break. Oh, he's doing Tom Weights.

[JPC]

He's doing Tom Waits.

[Casey]

I was doing Tom Weights. I was doing Tom Waits. If anyone asks if we get emails. I was doing Tom weights.

[Aaron]

Hmm.

[JPC]

Going down to the ice cream store. Gonna get the scoop puff ice cream.

[Casey]

Why would Cookie Monster go to an.

[JPC]

Ice cream store for cookies and cream?

[Aaron]

That makes sense for my birthday. Or it might have been Christmas. I got this Jeopardy 2025 calendar.

[JPC]

Should I. Erin, I have the same one. I got it for Christmas.

[Aaron]

Should I do the first day of the year?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Adol. Have you already done your first day of the year?

[JPC]

No. We looked to make sure that there wasn't, like, a few days tacked on before January 1st, but it starts January 1st, so I haven't started. I mean, I have started, of course, because it's January 22nd.

[Casey]

No. Oh, yeah, yeah. Good cover, good cover. You're 22 days in at this point.

[JPC]

Mm.

[Aaron]

Okay. Wait, no.

[Casey]

Aaron, do you need a quick refresher on how calendars work? Oh, fuck. I can't Google. Oh, I'm gonna be useless here.

[JPC]

Something with the dates, Mr. Policeman.

[Casey]

I've given you all the clues.

[Aaron]

Okay. Bradford beach in this Badger state hosts an annual polar bear Plunge on January 1st, with swimmers braving freezing cold waters.

[JPC]

Wisconsin.

[Aaron]

Yes, but JPC for the steel. Saying it in the correct way.

[Casey]

Westcott.

[Aaron]

Nope. It is what is Wisconsin.

[Casey]

Oh. I was confused as to what is correct.

[Aaron]

We're gonna do these riddles. Submittin'that's. Not quite right.

[Casey]

Okay, Aaron, what's going on in your personal life that suddenly you're so smitten? Wow.

[Aaron]

I am having a ton of sex. Put a balloon in my ass. It's a clown. Off.

[Casey]

Stop pressing the fake button.

[Aaron]

I wish I had the button to do Adolescent noise. That one is. That sounded exactly like it. Can you play the real one? JPC for comparison. Head over to our Patreon if you don't know what we're talking about.

[Casey]

But yeah, I guess I could. I'd have to find it. That's actually great to have it in stereo. Okay, we have to.

[Aaron]

That's the new Carol of the Bells. I want you to do six more harmonies for that.

[JPC]

I'm giving him steamroller.

[Aaron]

I'm sorry, Caitlin C. You deserve better than whatever this is you do. Green of girth and hair but one. Brown and frost and red and sun.

[JPC]

What did you say?

[Casey]

Green of girth.

[JPC]

I thought you said queen of girth.

[Aaron]

I said green. I'm going to read more riddles. Fat red man hanging by one hand Sways at the wind that blows on the land.

[Casey]

Wait, wait, wait. Did you skip whatever that last one was? Or is this all Part of it.

[Aaron]

Eye but no head. Skin but no hand. Flesh but no bones. Children. She has none until she's dead and gone.

[JPC]

So it's a woman. It's a woman we need to kill.

[Aaron]

White at dawn, green at noon, red at vespers, brown in death, right at vespers.

[JPC]

Matthew Broderick writes of vesper, sniff her.

[Aaron]

In April, bite her in September. Come Father Frost, and we will sip her in December.

[JPC]

Damn.

[Aaron]

It's a woman we have to kill.

[Casey]

Is this one riddle? I'm so fucking confused.

[Aaron]

It's technically five riddles, but the answer.

[JPC]

Yeah, I felt that it was five. It's all one answer.

[Aaron]

Perhaps.

[JPC]

Is it Mrs. Claus?

[Aaron]

It is not Mrs. Claus.

[JPC]

Is it like frost or dew or like apple, thyme or eggs? Apple.

[Casey]

Tell me all of that wasn't just apple. Tell me I didn't just have to listen to all of that. That. It's apple.

[Aaron]

Ooh, it's apple. Thank you, Caitlin C. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[JPC]

Kate and Clark.

[Casey]

That was Caitlin Clark. Thank you, Caitlin Clark. The answer. Can you reread them? Because I need to. I need to figure out what the fuck is going on.

[Aaron]

You got it, right? What do you mean? You want me to reread them? You got it. It's the first context.

[Casey]

The first part was Apple. The only part that I knew was Apple was the very end of it. And I was like, that's Apple, but what was the other part?

[JPC]

So, Gwynneth, Palpatine.

[Aaron]

There's five different riddles here.

[Casey]

Okay, do the first one.

[Aaron]

Green of girth and hair, but one. Brown and frost and red and sun.

[JPC]

So that's Apple. What's going on there?

[Aaron]

That's Apple. That red man hanging by one hand, sways in the wind that blows on the land. Apple, Apple, eye but no head. Skin but no hands. Flesh but no bones. Children, she has none until she's dead and gone. White at dawn, green at noon, red at vespers, brown in death. Apple. Sniff her in April, bite her in September. Come Father Frost, and we will sip her in December.

[JPC]

Oh, cider.

[Casey]

Yes. I think it's a very important question, though. Adam has a question that we have to address. Do apples have eyes? And we can't Google and we have to move on.

[Aaron]

Aaron, you're the apple of my eye.

[JPC]

Thank you, Aaron, but I'm asking a good question.

[Aaron]

No. That's funny. Okay, I am going to pose a challenge to you two professional improvisers and podcasters. Since we did five riddles about apples, I want to see five Five different seeds about apples. Okay, jbc, you can go first and you can call for a scene of me and Adol and then we're going to go around.

[Casey]

Okay. I thought Adel and I had to just do quick five apple seeds really quickly.

[Aaron]

Okay, that's funnier actually.

[JPC]

Hold still, son. Twang right in the neck. Next scene. Scene. No, that was Johnny Appleseed.

[Aaron]

No, I burn through these. Don't burn through these, weirdo.

[Casey]

Johnny Appleseed wasn't shooting apples off of me.

[Aaron]

Stop burning it.

[Casey]

I thought he was planting with William Tell.

[JPC]

Planted seeds.

[Aaron]

Okay. Or do you want to just you two do five apple scenes?

[Casey]

Yeah, we have to come up with one.

[Aaron]

We already know that's not long enough. They all have to be at least a minute long.

[JPC]

Aaron, I'm going to go first. Aaron, you're. And I want you to be in them, so. Aaron, the first.

[Aaron]

No, I'm not going to be in them. You two are doing them. You have to come up with them on your own because you guys got fresh with me. Okay, I will call scene for each of them. I'm going to. All right, whenever you're ready. And first scene about apple.

[JPC]

Go at jpc. Maybe we're like two apples.

[Casey]

Sure.

[JPC]

Hey.

[Casey]

Hey, man. Oh.

[JPC]

Me too. Me too. Me too.

[Casey]

No, you're pretty ripe.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah.

[Casey]

Yeah. Sorry, man. You're. Yeah, you're. You're pretty. You're pretty, right?

[JPC]

Yeah, I'm. Well, I'm. They're turning me into a pie, so.

[Casey]

Doubt that you're. You might be over trash.

[JPC]

They put me the trash in the compost, actually, because they want to turn me into pie, so.

[Casey]

Yeah, I think they put you in the trash because you're like.

[JPC]

You're not jealous yellow smush.

[Casey]

No, I don't.

[JPC]

Jealous mush.

[Casey]

I'm a fresh. I'm a. You look like jealous mush.

[JPC]

Look, soft spot, soft spot, soft spot.

[Casey]

All soft spots. Yeah, it's soft. Yeah, I would just say it's soft.

[JPC]

Yeah, some people have it and some don't.

[Aaron]

So what?

[JPC]

And so what are you? You're like a Granny Smith. Or you're like bitter or sour or whatever.

[Casey]

I'm a Golden Delicious. What do you mean, a Granny Smith? I'm a Golden Delicious.

[JPC]

And scene.

[Aaron]

Sorry. You kind of called it at the 58 second mark. And next apple scene.

[Casey]

Okay, what's. You guys in an apple pie eating contest?

[JPC]

No, I don't want to do that.

[Casey]

Oh, my God. I don't want to eat the apple pie. Okay, what if we're two Guys at a hot dog eating contest. But we're both named Apple.

[JPC]

Yes.

[Casey]

Great.

[Aaron]

I hate you.

[JPC]

Sorry, which apple were you talking to?

[Casey]

Yeah, you said Apple is disqualified. Which Apple?

[JPC]

We're both named Apple and we're the.

[Aaron]

One putting the hot dog in the wrong hole.

[JPC]

We're both sitting on hot dogs.

[Casey]

We're both sitting on hot dogs, but.

[Aaron]

One is also eating them with this. If you continue to eat from your mouth, you can keep going.

[Casey]

Our mouth and. Or just our mouth. Can we do our mouth and you.

[Aaron]

Can do your mouth and. But you guys are way behind.

[JPC]

Yes, way behind.

[Casey]

I have a way through the behind that might make Apple.

[Aaron]

Apple. I swear to God. This is your last eating competition here at the state fair. I swear to God.

[JPC]

Which one was first in that? Which one was first? Apple. Apple.

[Casey]

Oh, maybe they're gonna like retire our Jersey. Basically.

[Aaron]

You're wasting so many hot dogs putting them up your wall.

[JPC]

New New Jersey. They're gonna retire New Jersey. We're from New Jersey.

[Casey]

Scene, the Apple state.

[Aaron]

Okay, next scene about apples. It has to be about apples this time or you're gonna have to do another scene at the end.

[JPC]

Okay, jbc. You're Chris Martin. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow. We just had a baby.

[Casey]

Got it.

[JPC]

What should we name this one?

[Casey]

Oh, I think Quantum. Name this baby.

[JPC]

Oh, a song.

[Casey]

It's just. They just come to me. Gwen. They just come to me.

[JPC]

I mean, anyone could just start singing. What?

[Casey]

What do you mean?

[JPC]

Oh, look around the room. There's a poster on the wall. Anyone can just start singing.

[Casey]

How's she doing, this witch? My wife's a witch. Divorce. We should get a divorce. This is the moment. This is the moment where it happens.

[JPC]

I should have told you you were bad at songs a long time ago.

[Aaron]

15 more seconds.

[Casey]

First of all, I'm not bad at songs. All my songs are hits.

[JPC]

Name the rest of your band members. I'll wait.

[Casey]

Name two movies you've been in. I'll wait.

[JPC]

I think Spider man and I think Iron Man.

[Casey]

You don't think that. You don't think Spider Man.

[JPC]

You know, Iron Man, Sliding door, Spider man scene.

[Aaron]

Alright, gentlemen, we're sort of far afield. Let's get back on the Apple track. Two more scenes, please.

[Casey]

Okay. We're both going to be guys who are at one of those Steve Jobs keynote speeches.

[JPC]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not really impressed.

[Casey]

Yeah, right.

[JPC]

Stainless steel again.

[Casey]

Yeah, I guess it's like make a.

[JPC]

Watch out of something else.

[Casey]

Yeah, seriously. Or like don't even do Like a watch. Like, don't do a phone. Don't do a watch. Right.

[Aaron]

Gentlemen, your microphones are on.

[JPC]

Welcome. Shit. We've been here for 45 minutes. Welcome. Makes no sense.

[Casey]

Oh, he means well. And come.

[JPC]

We've.

[Casey]

Welcome.

[JPC]

Welcome. Because we're making dildos now. Put it up on the screen, Michael. Put it up on the screen.

[Casey]

Put up on the screen.

[JPC]

Hurt apple fast. The if. Apple.

[Casey]

Apple. The I fuck.

[JPC]

You know how you've. I mean, if is a term we use when you stare at someone.

[Casey]

But now someone from across the bar. I like your vibe. I'm going to. Do I fuck you?

[JPC]

Yes. I.

[Casey]

What if you could I fuck you someone. What if I fuck. What if you could. What if you could fuck?

[Aaron]

All right, one more apple scene, please. And please have it be about apples.

[JPC]

I think we just continued the dildosin. Cause I think it had legs and everything.

[Aaron]

No, absolutely not. Vito. Next.

[Casey]

Okay. Okay. What if we're two guys drinking apple juice on a summer's day? Ooh, that was good apple juice. I was parched.

[JPC]

Yeah, that's very good. Very good.

[Casey]

Now back to what we were taking. The I fuck is a way to revolutionize sex and technology as we know it.

[Aaron]

Mm.

[JPC]

And it.

[Casey]

Well, I know what we're all thinking.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Casey]

And it chokes your heart rate. I know what you're all thinking. Why does it look like a phone? Because it is a phone. But it's so much more.

[JPC]

Aha.

[Casey]

It is a phone. Basically, it's a dildo. That's a phone.

[JPC]

Yes. I know what you're thinking. Will this suddenly call someone? I don't want it to call in the middle of what I'm doing. Absolutely it will.

[Aaron]

And scene. And a bonus apple scene, because that was bullshit.

[JPC]

I think we continue the build.

[Casey]

Yeah, I didn't want to. It won't do that because FaceTime is disabled in the settings. You'd have to go into the settings and turn FaceTime on, which you shouldn't do unless you want to do that.

[JPC]

Everyone has their own proclivities.

[Casey]

I know what you're thinking. Won't the iPhone get really dirty if it's put inside of you? Uh. Oh.

[JPC]

I guess maybe that's why you buy a new one.

[Aaron]

All right, I'm stepping in here.

[JPC]

What? Aaron.

[Aaron]

Okay, so I'm gonna. I'm gonna start a new Apple scene. Jpc, you and I were a couple. We're apple picking for our first one year anniversary. Okay.

[Casey]

Got it.

[JPC]

And jpc, you have the Ifuck in your ass.

[Aaron]

I was Gonna. You're stepping on my joke. You're stepping on my fucking joke. It's my joke. I was gonna joke about there being an iPhone.

[JPC]

I am the joke now. I am the joke now.

[Casey]

We were all get a joke about the Ifuck.

[Aaron]

It was going to be a mad dash to the Ifuck being inside.

[Casey]

Everyone wanted to do it.

[Aaron]

I was trying to prove that I'm a fun mom here on the pod.

[JPC]

We all want to control the iFuck inside JPC's ass, okay? But not all of us can. Well, actually, wait. I can share this app.

[Aaron]

Casey, you're too late. We already made an Ifuck joke. Casey started typing, then stopped talking.

[JPC]

That's for the best. That's for the best.

[Aaron]

All right.

[Casey]

Aaron, can we do another riddle?

[Aaron]

This is Professor Stapes all over again. Thank you.

[Casey]

Thank you.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I guess we can do another one. These are from Max. Or this one is from Max.

[Casey]

Okay.

[Aaron]

I'm pissed.

[Casey]

Aaron.

[Aaron]

No, I'm mad. Fix it.

[Casey]

How do we fix. Aaron, please.

[Aaron]

The queen.

[JPC]

Let's set up. We gotta set up Aaron to, like, really soar. So let's do a scene where she's like. She's like, in charge of wheelhouse. Aaron's wheelhouse.

[Casey]

Yes. Aaron. Can we see one more scene?

[Aaron]

Fine.

[JPC]

Okay, so, Aaron, this is a musical where you sing songs you're comfortable singing off the top of your head. And we applaud you while telling you how great you look.

[Aaron]

Great. I'm sorry. Our leading lady will not be at tonight's performance because she had an accident earlier with an eye. Fuck. Sorry. I wasn't supposed to say that part out loud. Same.

[Casey]

She was supposed to think it.

[JPC]

Predictive sex.

[Aaron]

I separate. It wasn't as fun as it would have been in the Apple scene. It's fine. I'm mad, but I'm okay.

[Casey]

Okay.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron]

I'm pissed, but I'm moving forward.

[Casey]

Interesting.

[JPC]

I thought you said less pissed this year.

[Aaron]

I'm disappointed. Yeah, but it's all going to work out.

[JPC]

Okay, good. And Aaron, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry.

[Aaron]

I know you're sorry. I always know you're sorry. Your baseline is sorry. Your stasis is sorry. I'm always.

[JPC]

That's my secret. Cap. I'm always sorry.

[Aaron]

GPC has never been sorry. And that's why we're kind of a perfect balance. Okay. Gpc. Have you ever been sorry?

[Casey]

I got a text from my old high school, and they're looking for money.

[JPC]

JPC's on his phone.

[Casey]

Good luck.

[JPC]

Get him.

[Aaron]

It's Not Google. It's not Google.

[Casey]

It's not. It's not Google. And I'm still. Technically, if this episode is any indication, we don't usually record in the evenings, and I am still on emergency dad duty, so I do have to. I'm kind of glued to my phone for the next hour in case there's something that I absolutely need to handle.

[Aaron]

I get it. I get it.

[JPC]

Isn't glued to your phone the Ifuck tagline?

[Aaron]

Yeah, but glue is ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

[Casey]

I don't. Yeah.

[Aaron]

I mean, as someone who's having no sex, I hate this.

[Casey]

I. You know, and I'm beginning to think that I'm not even going to buy an Ifuck.

[Aaron]

No, you don't need that.

[Casey]

If a listener gifts one to me, I'm not going to say no.

[Aaron]

Refurbished people are not going to send you a $1200 iFuck. Maybe a knockoff. Maybe a Microsoft fuck.

[Casey]

Oh, if you're thinking about sending me a knockoff Ifuck asteroid.

[JPC]

No, no, that's nothing. That's already an item. That's an item in space.

[Aaron]

I separate what's independent, but I am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hid in shame. What am I?

[JPC]

I mean, the Ifuck's hidden shame. There's a lot of stigma, but I feel like in 20, 30 years, it's going to be commonplace to see you're.

[Aaron]

Just not allowed to use the Ifuck on public transit. And I actually support that. Well, I think you can use it, but just not during, like, rush hour.

[JPC]

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

[Casey]

Yes, thank you. Because if I can't hear Chris Tucker.

[JPC]

If I can't hear Chris Tucker utter his memorable lines, then I should just leave the theater.

[Aaron]

Do you guys have any classic Chicago train stories of crazy stuff that happened on the train in Chicago?

[Casey]

I mean, I've seen from riding the trains in the winter for years, I've seen a fair amount of people pooping on trains. But one of my favorites that doesn't involve absolute, like, abject human misery is what? That you've probably had an experience like this. I got on a train. I think it was a redline train. And as I got on it, I saw something that looked organic sprayed all over the train. And everybody who was entering into this train car, like, took a step in and then just took a step out. And I remember I, like, peeked my head in, and there was one guy who was sitting there, sitting in the train. He was the only guy in that train car. And I like, looked in and I looked at him and he goes, it's milkshake. And I was like, oh, okay. And so I, I, I usually, I never really sat on the trains. I would always stand. And so I just walked in and like, stood in that train and it didn't smell weird. But everybody, everybody is so attuned to seeing anything I miss in a train and being like, I'm not doing this one, I'm not doing this one. But it was nice to ride in an empty car that someone had spilled a milkshake in.

[Aaron]

If you were to believe that band.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Oh, it's milkshake at all. In a similar vein, I was on the Red Line with a friend and we were in the car and there was a puddle of piss. And as the car was going, it was like slowly sort of making its way towards us, sort of pooling and creeping down the aisle there. So we're like, let's switch cars. And we got off at the next stop and went to the one car up and went in. And as we got in, there was puke everywhere on the floor. And we just kind of looked at each other and shrugged and then just grabbed a railing and waited for our stop.

[Aaron]

Glasses.

[JPC]

That's better than piss.

[Casey]

Is it?

[Aaron]

Is it?

[JPC]

I think so.

[Casey]

Wow. Interesting. I learned something new about my friend Adel and his hierarchy of bodily.

[JPC]

I'd rather puke my pants than piss my pants is what I'll say.

[Aaron]

I think I told my trained story on the show before, but when I was running late, I was so late for something, and I was getting on at the Addison reference.

[Casey]

Oh, that's right. And then that guy said, hey, soul sister, don't you think you've missed it?

[Aaron]

Yes, exactly. That's exactly what happened. No train references till 2026.

[Casey]

But what, what can we do on the show anymore?

[Aaron]

At the Addison Red Line, you have to run upstairs to catch the train. And I was running up the stairs and I reached into my purse and I had a long wallet, like one of those envelope wallets. And I had this brilliant idea because I heard the train coming and I heard the doors open when I was at the bottom of the stairs. So I sprinted up the stairs and I went, I'm going to make my arm longer and extend it using my wallet to be able to stop the train car door.

[Casey]

Smart.

[Aaron]

But what happened was I got up there and I ended up just tossing my wallet onto the train. And the doorage car closes and I watch My eyes are wide. I'm in disbelief with how stupid I am. And everyone on the trade is looking at me about how stupid I am. And I watch my wallet go away. And then I have to do the mental math of what do I do?

[Casey]

The reverse mugging. You've been reverse mugged?

[Aaron]

I got reversed. I reverse mugged myself. And I saw so many people see it happen that I went, I think I know what to do. I got on the next train, got off at Belmont, and there was a woman standing there with my wallet, dying, laughing. And she said, what the hell happened? And I went, I don't know. It's the toughest thing I ever did. You could tell that at every dinner party for the rest of your life. And she went. We talked about it the whole way. Everyone was in disbelief. No one can figure out. First people were scared that there was, like, a bomb or something, but then they saw my whole vibe, and they're like, yeah.

[Casey]

Generally, if someone throws an object into a train, they think maybe that's not. It's like a bomb or something.

[Aaron]

But they saw my face, my regret, and they were like, no, that. That lady did not mean to do that. I separate what's independent, but am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hid in shame. What am I? And this can separate. This is talking about multiple meanings of the same word.

[JPC]

It's like a homonym or homophone.

[Casey]

Yeah. Is this like a. Is this like a trial separation?

[JPC]

Is it a joke?

[Casey]

You don't want to tell anybody about it? Like, you're not, like, officially separated, but you're you.

[Aaron]

Okay, buddy?

[Casey]

As far as the world is concerned, I'm golden, baby.

[JPC]

Can you read it one more time?

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Yes. I separate what's independent, but am myself split in twain. I appear when excuse is needed, but often I am hidden shame. What am I?

[JPC]

What part is going to help us the most?

[Aaron]

That's a good question. I think probably. I appear when an excuse is needed.

[Casey]

Is this piss or shit?

[Aaron]

No.

[JPC]

Is it barf?

[Aaron]

But it is. But often when I'm hidden. Shame is one of the meanings of the word, and you're kind of on the right track. I appear when excuse is needed.

[Casey]

Because I was thinking, like, oh, I need. Like, I need an excuse why I can't come to something, and I'm like, oh, I just peed my pants. I have to go home. Yeah, but also, you.

[Aaron]

It's more like conversationally, you're about to make an excuse. What do you say before you make an excuse.

[Casey]

My Internet went out.

[Aaron]

No, you say, don't be mad.

[JPC]

But, but, but. My but.

[Casey]

It's your but.

[Aaron]

Independent clauses can be separated by a but. When people need an excuse, they say but, but, but. Often people can hide their buts. Often people hide their butts in public. The word but appears at the beginning of two lines. Ya dummies.

[JPC]

I'd say always.

[Casey]

That makes sense. That makes a ton of sense.

[Aaron]

Yeah, but, but, but, but, but, but. Thank you, Max and Casey. If we have a moment of your time, please can we get a voicemail theme and then voicemail.

[Casey]

We're back with another Mother lovin Hot Trek for the best Freddy podcast on the freaking planet. And here's how it works. I read nitty bitty verse to a beat that slaps so hard to God damn and I wrapped this rap. I top it with a bow. Then I sent it in to help wrap up your favorite show. So. And riddiots call in with a question. They get their own 30 second badass introduction. They say keep it short. And so I will. But still I wanna know who do we got on the phone?

[Aaron]

Wow, cool.

[Casey]

Oh my God. That was another banger from Jesse Bloodgood. Thank you, Jesse.

[Aaron]

That's sick.

[Casey]

I'd say blood. Great, good. If you want to send in a voice bus edition, which I think we need some more of them. Keep them the 30 seconds or less and send them to hrrpodcastmail.com OA file is great. Casey. Let's hear her voicemail.

[Aaron]

Hey, Adleryn jpc, this is Shannon from Georgia. First time, long time. I need some advice. I agreed to be my cousin's maid of honor for her wedding earlier this year and my sister's upcoming wedding. Needless to say, I'm very tired between my duties for both. So did I use a speech for my sister's wedding as the same as my cousin's wedding and just change the name? It's a good speech and over half the people wouldn't have heard it anyway. Love the podcast. Thanks a million.

[JPC]

I love over half will not have heard it. That's like. Well, half will obviously know what's going on, but surely they won't say anything. That's too big a margin. If it was like three people would know, I think you could do it. If it's half the wedding will know. I think you have to not do that.

[Aaron]

I say do it and don't change the name.

[Casey]

Yeah, I say change the. Leave the name like Aaron said, but change all the specifics. Call the Person by the wrong name.

[JPC]

I think depending on. I hope your sister's wedding is first. I forget what you said was first. I hope it's your sister's because you want to put more time and effort into your sisters. But I think. I think that joke is correct in terms of. I think you lean into it and you go, many of you, over half will know that I was just maid of honor for my sister. Now, I would never reuse the same speech, but I would repurpose it. And then you do almost like a Mad Lib style thing.

[Casey]

Yes.

[JPC]

Of like, you've been the best cousin a sister could have had fun, whatever that is. Like, you slot in words. And I think that's both funny. You're leaning into it and owning it. And I think all parties are enjoying it versus anyone getting mad.

[Aaron]

I have a brilliant idea. Work smarter, not harder.

[Casey]

Yes.

[Aaron]

You go to each of them, each of the brides, and you say, hey, can you write me an example of a perfect maid of honor speech that you would love to hear at your wedding? And they go, of course they write it. You use the one they wrote for the other wedding.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Boom.

[JPC]

Ooh, nice.

[Aaron]

Done.

[Casey]

Here's what I think you do, and we actually hinted at this a little earlier in the episode. You got cousin's wedding first, and then you got sister's wedding. You write a killer speech for the cousin's wedding. Show up to the sister's wedding, but when you show up, make sure that your hair is all fucked up and crazy. And then as you get there, say, I just got hit by lightning. You never believe this. I just got hit by lightning. Start spreading that around the wedding so that by the time you give the same speech that you gave for your cousin, changing absolutely nothing, everyone's like, she got hit by lightning. She got hit by a lightning.

[Aaron]

People love when you grab attention away from them on their wedding day, famously.

[JPC]

But before you. Before you go out to give the speech, set the thermostat at, like, 72. And then when you go on stage, go, what is it, like, 72 degrees in here?

[Casey]

Have everybody check.

[Aaron]

So check your phones and then give them both an ifuck. Okay. Thank you so much for sending in the voicemail and the voicemail theme. I'm a fun mom on the pod. Okay, Adol, do you have anything to plug and be honest?

[JPC]

I am. I am being honest. One of my favorite videos of all time is there's, like, a news anchor that gets handed, like a caiman, which is like a little alligator, and the Zoo Handler's like, hold it tight. And he goes, I am. I am. But it's wriggling out of his hands and about to get free. And the guy keeps going, hold it tight. And he goes, I am. It brings tears to my eyes every time I want to plug. What's his name? Jack Bloodgood. What was his name?

[Casey]

Jesse Bloodgood.

[JPC]

Jesse Bloodgood. And also Jack Bloodgood. Here's what I want to say.

[Casey]

It's also very good.

[JPC]

I almost feel like we just do a whole episode of Jesse bloodgoodgood song I'm in. I like this so much. Do we have like a. Does Jesse have a Spotify account? Does Jesse have a. I can't Google.

[Casey]

I'll tell you what, if you don't have Spotify Premium, Jesse, we'll pay for it for one month on us. That's a $10 value. Okay, we'll raise somebody. We'll get Jesse Bloodgood a Spotify Premium account.

[JPC]

Yeah, I want to plug Jesse Bloodgood. Google on your own time, Jesse Bloodgood. Support their music. And I will as well. I'm very just thrilled by their output. Aaron, do you have anything to plug or promote?

[Aaron]

Check out Quality Time on Instagram. It's the monthly show I host in Los Angeles at the Lyric Theater. The Christmas one went so well and was so fun and I'm really excited for the when this comes out. The January one will already come out, but the Valentine's Day one will be on the horizon. So check it out and come hang out. JPC Any review to read or anything to plug.

[Casey]

I do want to plug something. If you're listening to this and you say, hey, I enjoy the free podcast, you might enjoy the subscriber only feed. And in the new year we have yearly subscriptions that you can buy. I think they're at a little bit of a discount too. So if you want to listen to the show or if you already listen to the Patreon and you want to change it up so that you pay yearly, I think that's useful, especially for people in not the United States who are paying like foreign transaction fees when they convert their money or whatever, you can do that. Patreon.com heyriddle Riddle I get a bonus episode every week and it's pretty fun over there. And then you can always come and see me or a delightful cast of revelers at World News tonight. It's at IO 7:30 on Saturday nights and then I do have a review I want to read. This is from Zeke Rander. It says JPC reads, if you want to get a review featured on the show, obviously write us a five star review. I'll find it. This one says, JPC reads, friend, either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community. Well, you got trouble, my friend, right here. I say trouble right in Riddle City. Why sure. I'm a billiard player, certainly mighty proud. I say. I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden. Help you cultivate horse sense and a.

[Aaron]

Cool head and a keen eye.

[Casey]

Did you ever take and try to find an ironclad leaf for yourself from a three rail billiard shot? But just as I say it takes judgment, brains and maturity to score in a bulk like game. I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket. And I call that sloth the first big step on the road to the depths of a degrade. I say first medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle.

[Aaron]

This is just like.

[JPC]

This is just like Khufra and Roger Rabbit when Judge Doom is going around and doing shave and a haircut and Roger Rabbit is behind the wall shaking and vibrating because he has to finish it. Aaron, you were absolutely losing your mind.

[Aaron]

I threw up. I threw up.

[JPC]

Aaron. I'm looking at my vinyl collection and I see that there's an album by Peter, Paul and Spendi called Finances on Jupiter.

[Aaron]

Peter, Paul and Spendi. I forgot that that was this episode too. That was my favorite part of the episode with Peter, Poll and Spendy. Have a good night everybody. Have a good.

[Casey]

Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emmaline Morris. Hey there Chatters and boxes. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We're answering some of your questions from the Discord on our Chatterbox. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon. Com Hayward by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Aaron]

That was a Headgum podcast.