#348: The Three Shaqs of Riddles w/ Luke Null

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle #348: The Three Shaqs of Riddles with Luke Null

Release Date: March 19, 2025
Host/Authors: Adal Refai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan
Special Guest: Luke Null

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Introduction and Opening Banter (00:01 - 01:00)

The episode kicks off with a humorous and chaotic exchange among the hosts—Adal Refai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan (JPC)—as they engage in playful improvisation. This segment sets the tone for the episode, highlighting their knack for spontaneous comedy and camaraderie.

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Guest Introduction and Musical Interlude (03:06 - 04:00)

Luke Null joins the hosts, bringing a fresh dynamic to the discussion. The trio seamlessly transitions into a musical interlude where Luke performs "New Slang" by The Shins. This rendition not only showcases their versatility but also serves as a nod to their diverse interests beyond riddles and puzzles.

Notable Quote:

Luke Null (03:06): "You know, who would know how 'New Slang' goes? Yes."

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Reflections on SNL50 and Concert Experiences (04:00 - 08:34)

The conversation shifts towards the recent SNL50 celebrations, with Luke Null recounting his experience attending a concert at Radio City Music Hall. The event, while star-studded, harbored an undercurrent of tension as former employees, personally fired by the honoree, mingled among attendees.

JPC humorously speculates about the presence of seat fillers—young individuals filling empty seats—which adds a layer of absurdity to the narrative.

Notable Quote:

JPC (05:03): "They were all fired by one guy. And they were all there to celebrate that guy. So we're all like, he fired everyone that's sitting here, personally fired each and every one of us."

---

Riddle Segment: Explaining and Solving Puzzles (11:12 - 19:42)

The hosts delve into their signature riddle-solving segment, presenting intricate and thought-provoking puzzles. JPC introduces a riddle:

"I am a man without bones. My flesh is white. I am a man without blood. My flesh is cold. I'm a man without life. My flesh is shrinking. I am the man you made and lost."

Aaron Keenan initially guesses "Clint Eastwood," followed by Luke Null suggesting "Snowman," which is later confirmed as the correct answer by JPC.

Notable Quote:

JPC (19:06): "Clint Eastwood... It is Snowman, Luke."

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Improvised Scenes and Creative Storytelling (17:03 - 35:46)

The hosts engage in creative improvisational storytelling, crafting scenes such as:

• Roses and Garlic Conversation: Portraying plants in a whimsical garden setting.
• Shakespeare in the Park with Shaq: Envisioning Shaquille O'Neal performing classic plays like "Hamlet."
• Mavericks Basketball Halftime Show: Imagining a tumultuous basketball game with exaggerated characters.

These improvisations highlight the trio's ability to weave humor and creativity seamlessly into their discussions.

Notable Quote:

Luke Null (15:31): "Shaq doing Shakespeare in the Park."

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Riddle Court: A Nonsense Puzzle and Its Aftermath (44:07 - 58:09)

Luke Null presents an intentionally unsolvable riddle:

"What has a voice but never speaks? What runs but never moves, what ends before it begins. Bridges nowhere to nothing, while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song."

The trio navigates the absurdity of the riddle through a mock trial known as "Riddle Court," where they debate its merit and purpose. This segment underscores their commitment to exploring the boundaries of riddles, even embracing nonsensical challenges for entertainment.

Notable Quote:

Special Guest, Luke Null (48:43): "What has a voice but never speaks?... while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song."

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Advertisements and Sponsor Segments (Throughout)

Interspersed within the episode are satirical and playful advertisements for real and fictional products, including:

• Sleep Number Smart Bed
• Helix Sleep Mattresses
• Squarespace Website Building
• BetterHelp Online Therapy
• Found.com Financial Platform

These segments are delivered with a comedic twist, often mocking traditional ad reads and blending seamlessly into the podcast's humorous narrative.

Notable Quote:

JPC (33:59): "Helix sleep mattress sounds awesome... I sleep on a Helix mattress. I would never sleep on a Middler mattress."

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Closing Remarks and Promotions (77:25 - 78:55)

As the episode nears its end, the hosts wrap up with light-hearted promotions, encouraging listeners to join their Patreon for exclusive content and previews of upcoming projects. Special Guest, Luke Null, promotes his upcoming stand-up special, while JPC invites fans to check out their latest Patreon tier.

Notable Quote:

Special Guest, Luke Null (73:35): "Coming up, I'm releasing my Joi to the World jerk off instructions. These are going to be holiday themed..."

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Conclusion

Episode #348 of "Hey Riddle Riddle" exemplifies the hosts' flair for blending riddles, improvisational comedy, and playful banter. With the addition of special guest Luke Null, the episode offers a mix of engaging puzzles, creative storytelling, and humorous takes on everyday topics. The seamless integration of sponsor segments adds an extra layer of entertainment, making this episode a memorable installment for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per request, focusing solely on the episode's core discussions and activities.

Transcript

[Aaron Keenan]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Adol Refai]

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[JPC]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. He was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away. And the horses named riding. Whoa. Aaron, you've disappeared. Camouflage.

[Luke Null]

Aaron.

[Aaron Keenan]

Aaron, can you see me still?

[Luke Null]

Whoa. She could be coming from any direction.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm over here now.

[JPC]

I think Aaron may be hunting us.

[Aaron Keenan]

I've covered myself in riddles at the riddle podcast, so you can't see me.

[Luke Null]

Jpcremember Erens never hunt alone. They hunt in packs, so we should be able to see one and then one will surprise us. So, yeah.

[JPC]

All right. Packs of errands. What do we think? We're working with Brockovich, Evan, Eckhart, Rogers.

[Luke Null]

Scarren, Aaron. I went to school with them.

[JPC]

That's not. Yeah. So we did four celebrity errands. We did two men, one. I guess it's a real person.

[Aaron Keenan]

A bow or an arrow whizzes by your face. Not a bow.

[JPC]

No, it was a bow. No, it was a bow. Arrow. You threw a bow.

[Aaron Keenan]

I threw the whole bow. Dang it. Okay.

[JPC]

Whoa.

[Luke Null]

She held onto the arrow and shot the bow.

[Aaron Keenan]

I panicked. Okay, let's see.

[JPC]

Aaron's like a Roadrunner cartoon.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay? Runs as fast as they can with the arrow at adolescence.

[Luke Null]

And Palestinian. My shins.

[Aaron Keenan]

My shins. What?

[Luke Null]

You want to hear the most interesting song in the world?

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, press play.

[Luke Null]

How does new slang go?

[JPC]

Ain't like that. It does not go like that.

[Aaron Keenan]

I feel like you're doing. You're playing it in reverse. Doesn't that sound like. Right.

[Luke Null]

You know, who would know how new slang Goes Yes.

[JPC]

Great segue.

[Luke Null]

Musical guests, musical guests. Luke Null. Luke, welcome aboard. And please sing. New slang.

[Special Guest]

Gold teeth and a curse for this town they're all in my mouth only I don't know how they got out here. And that's all. All of these lyrics I know from the Shins.

[JPC]

From the whole band?

[Special Guest]

From the whole band.

[Luke Null]

I go back and listen to the Garden State soundtrack.

[Aaron Keenan]

Did anyone ever see them live?

[JPC]

No.

[Special Guest]

Shins.

[JPC]

Yeah, they never performed. No one ever saw them.

[Aaron Keenan]

I saw them once at a music festival, and they were good. They were good.

[JPC]

Did they play Carrying as Creepy?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, probably. Probably. I assume they were playing the hits. How are you?

[Special Guest]

I only like their new stuff. Yeah, it's good to be back, you guys. Oh, my gosh. Ever since I was last on here, I've been trying to go to sleep each and every night. But just seeing all the riddles I didn't get right Running in my eyelids inside of my eyelids as I try to sleep Yep.

[Luke Null]

It's sort of like. Luke, do you know the movie Jaws? You know how Quints, that monologue about the.

[Special Guest]

Like, a doll's eyes?

[Luke Null]

Yes. Adults pronounced adult rolled back in their heads like a doll's eyes.

[JPC]

That's not enough for you, Luke. That's a note for Quint. He needs to know if he's pronouncing it wrong.

[Luke Null]

And not Quint from Jaws, but Quint from Ain't It Cool News, which I don't know if that's still a website.

[JPC]

I can't be. It can't possibly be. Luke, welcome back. We wanted to have you on because SNL50 is still in everyone's mind. Thoughts, feelings. I mean, tell us, how was the fucking party? My man.

[Special Guest]

I'll tell you what. I did go back for the concert. They did not fly me out. I did pay to fly and to stay, but I was invited to Radio City Music hall for the Will say a very awesome concert. The concert was so fun. And I mean, the. The lineup was wild, but it was very funny to be in a room of like 300 people who were all fired by one guy. And they were all there to celebrate that guy. So we're all like, he fired everyone that's sitting here, personally fired each and every one of us.

[Luke Null]

It must be a lot of. It must be a lot of heads on a swivel, looking left, looking right, and then whisper talk of like, hey, something disparaging. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe not.

[Special Guest]

Maybe there was a lot of people that were like, I was worried, had 3D printed like Luigi scenario. Just waiting for their Shinzo Abi.

[JPC]

The man on his 50th anniversary. What's funny about that too is like in the entertainment industry, I feel like people are like, yeah, all those people showed up to that show. The fired people showed up to that show. Whereas, like, if you were just working some job and your boss fired you and then like retired or whatever, come.

[Special Guest]

To this party, 10 years later invites.

[JPC]

You to a party, like you would go and throw a brick through the window.

[Special Guest]

Oh, yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

What was the best part of the concert?

[Special Guest]

Cher. No. Robin. Robin. Or no Nirvana? Nirvana reunion with Post Malone singing. That's no Lauryn Hill.

[Luke Null]

I mean, it's gotta be Lauren Hill.

[JPC]

Wasn't the concert also like three hours long?

[Special Guest]

Yeah, it was really long.

[JPC]

It felt like a concert that nobody said no to. Like, it felt like they were like, hey, book a three hour show and we'll end up with a two hour show. And then they booked a four hour.

[Special Guest]

Show somehow, pretty much. And then there was also, like, I had never thought of seat fillers before. So there was like. Because they filmed it like basically like 40 minutes in. They were like, any open seats, they would like send 20 year olds in who were just like hanging out outside Radio City Music hall to be seat fillers. And I was sitting directly next to Finesse Mitchell and he and I had like a. We talked about it. We're like, we're not giving this. We had like a buffer seat just. Just to be able to have like a little bit of groove, you know, area. I brought Eli Mandel as my plus one. Awesome former Chicago bad boy and SNL writer who was there for a year. I thought he would appreciate it. But he and I, I was, he. He had seat fillers jammed up against him and I'm like, nah, dog. Me and Finesse, we are boxing out the open seat in between us. No seat filler will sit here.

[Aaron Keenan]

There was a freezing cold, 20 year old out in the streets of New York because of that. Luke, I hope you're happy.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, I'm sorry that they passed.

[JPC]

Unfortunately, people don't talk about it, but with those seat fillers, that seat is their home. And if they don't get a home, they go back to the kill shelter where they put them down. But they make it nice for them. They show them like, what's something that someone living in Brooklyn who's 20 years old would like? Oh, they show them a mattress with no sheet and they say, this is gonna be yours.

[Special Guest]

This is all for you.

[JPC]

Please show them an $11 coffee. And they say that's something that you're gonna be able to enjoy.

[Special Guest]

And then, you know, they said, here's your screenplay.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yep, it's finished.

[JPC]

Hit up with the no country for Old Men cattle gun.

[Luke Null]

Luke, I gotta know, did they sell like merch? Like, was there an SNL concert shirt with all the bands on the back?

[Special Guest]

So the whole time, without even joking everyone, that from all of the SNL eras, we were all like mingling in the lobby before they let us in. And the first thing on everyone, like, it felt like a weird high school reunion a little bit where like I knew my bullies would be there kind of thing. I knew that. But at the same time I'm meeting. It was all good vibes, it was all fun. But everyone, the first word out of everyone's mouth was, how is it? How is everything not free? Like paying for the drinks? There was merch. There was a 150$ SNL50 commemorative ornament that they were selling at the gift shop. And we kept joking like, Lauren's not going to give us an ornament. Lauren's not going to give us an ornament. We're going to pay the 150 for the ornament. And it was like 150.

[Aaron Keenan]

Was it made of diamonds?

[Special Guest]

Lauren's ornament lornament ornament.

[JPC]

Did you see anybody buy one? Did you see anyone buy $150 ornament?

[Special Guest]

People were doing gags about it, but I did not witness one be bought. But we did. We were.

[JPC]

I just can't. It was Tina Fey walking around, walking out with like four shopping bags full of $50 ornaments. It's a loss leader.

[Special Guest]

I thought it would be really weird to be the guy buying merch, like the one guy who, you know, it was weird. It was weird we had to pay for it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, now if you see one out in the wild, you'll know it was $150. If anyone out there is at a celebrity's home and you see that ornament on their Christmas tree. No, they paid $150 for it. That's.

[JPC]

I would like really insane. An SNL 50, like tour shirt. But instead of like dates listed on the back. It was just one date. It was just Radio City Music hall. The one night that it was.

[Special Guest]

That's the only stop on this tour, the Cher concert.

[JPC]

Well, Luke, we're actually not here to talk about whatever the hell that was. Your.

[Aaron Keenan]

The thing you brought up incessant need.

[JPC]

To talk about celebrity oh, my God. Grow up. Ugh. It's so disgusting.

[Luke Null]

Jpc. You asked about it.

[JPC]

Yeah, okay.

[Special Guest]

I lived with you, and I've seen you naked.

[JPC]

Let's move on.

[Aaron Keenan]

Tell us how weird is his butt. 1 out of 10. How weird is his butt?

[JPC]

Hey, Eric.

[Special Guest]

Sucks. It sucks that it's cute.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, no.

[JPC]

I will say, in the last 10 years, it's gotten weirder, though. It's getting weirder every day. It's because I'm doing something with it to it. Here's your first with it.

[Aaron Keenan]

You ask. I didn't ask. Oh, I did ask.

[Special Guest]

Weed Whacker.

[JPC]

I wish I could afford name brand. Okay, here we go. Here's your first riddle. You know that. You know the game. You know the shame we grow in your garden.

[Special Guest]

Weed Whacker is a name brand and not just the product.

[JPC]

You know what? It probably is? It probably is a name brand. You think? It's like.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's like we're not allowed to Google this year, Luke. We're trying to cut ourselves off from Googling mid episode.

[Special Guest]

Oh, then I'm not. I'm. Then I'm. I won't either.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, great. Thank you.

[Special Guest]

Sorry. I'll stop interrupting.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, I just. I wish I knew, though.

[JPC]

But we can't know someone listening to this at work with, like, a polo shirt that says weed Whacker on it just going crazy right now. They're like, it is a name brand. Who are the best in our best in our field?

[Special Guest]

It's like the Aaron Burger John Deere.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[JPC]

It'S like the Aaron Burr commercial. Yes, that's right. That only old heads will know about. The Aaron Burr commercial. Aaron. You remember the Aaron Burr commercial?

[Aaron Keenan]

I don't. I'm very, very young. Very.

[Luke Null]

One of the best. I think it debuted during the Super Bowl. A guy, we. We pan around his house. He has the bullet from the Burr Hamilton duel. He has books, he has posters. He has busts of their head. He's an expert. You might say, Aaron. He literally wrote the book. Some might say. Then he gets a call from a radio station. They say, you're the fifth caller for $100,000. Who shot Alexander Hamilton? He goes to say, aaron Burr. But he just took a big bite of peanut butter sandwich, and he has no milk to wash it down. So Aaron. He goes, aaron Burr. And they go, huh? And he goes, aaron Burr. And they go, are you a child? He goes, no, peanut butter in my mouth. And they go, last chance. He says, aaron Burr. They go, sorry, we got to call somebody else he lost $100,000 because of peanut butter.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's really dark. Is it an ad for peanut butter?

[Luke Null]

Yes, it's for milk butter.

[JPC]

Worth it.

[Luke Null]

He turns it towards himself.

[Special Guest]

The peanut butter made him unable to pronounce his aws. Elwyn. Elwyn Buh.

[Aaron Keenan]

Ellen Buh.

[Luke Null]

Yeah.

[JPC]

The wild thing is that was an ad for milk. And there was a time in this country where they were trying to be like, hey, you can just drink milk.

[Aaron Keenan]

As a big milk. Big milk had a lot of money, big time.

[Luke Null]

They'd show a picture of a little kid drinking milk looking in a mirror. And in the mirror was like, Shaq. And it's like, you're not going to be a Shaq. You might grow a little bit. You won't be.

[Aaron Keenan]

You might grow a little bit. Does that in the fine print. You're not going to be Shaq.

[Luke Null]

You're not going to set records at LSU, but you'll be slightly taller.

[Special Guest]

Every kid from the 90s who drank milk all became Shaq.

[Luke Null]

We just have millions of Shaqs, all restaurant occupants. What am I trying to say? All those signs had to change. They went from, like, 150 to, like, 20.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Or they have a parenthetical where it says 150 and then in parentheses it says 110. Shacks.

[JPC]

There might be more Shacks than we think, because he has a branding deal for every brand in existence. And it would make sense if there were, like, four Shacks, allowing him to split his time between the general and.

[Special Guest]

Do you think he ever had a deal with Radio Shack? Oh, because it feels like that would have been a really easy one for him. And he's like, no, no, no. I'm doing Icy Hot.

[Aaron Keenan]

Only products I believe in.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, that's what he said.

[Luke Null]

I bet he says that. That's probably the first business he ever said no to. Then they went under, and then Shaq was like, now Shaq realizes the power of like that I have on the economy. And he's like, I'll never say no again.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

He could have saved Radio Shack.

[Aaron Keenan]

This would be a great camp to Google.

[JPC]

Guys, is Joe's Crab Shack still in existence? Is that still a restaurant? Oh, yeah, there are Crab Shacks.

[Aaron Keenan]

You could do Shake Shack.

[Luke Null]

Shake Shack.

[Aaron Keenan]

And they. It's just him shaking in a commercial, and then under it says Shake Shack.

[Luke Null]

Now, Aaron, you've given me an idea which I think we have to put on next summer, which is Shakespeare in the Park. Now this is Shaq doing Shakespeare in the Park.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's him playing Hamlet.

[Special Guest]

Shakespearean actors doing kazaam.

[Luke Null]

Wait, I like that better.

[Aaron Keenan]

Reverse it. I love it. That's way funnier. That's way better.

[JPC]

Shakespeare at the park releases their, like, summer series, and it's like Macbeth, Hamlet, and Kazam.

[Luke Null]

And they're like, not blue chips.

[JPC]

Shazam. Shazam. Kazam.

[Special Guest]

Kazam.

[JPC]

It doesn't matter. Okay, here's your first riddle. We grow in your garden. We glow in your room. Only the name is the same.

[Luke Null]

Whoa.

[JPC]

Bulbs. Yeah, it's bulbs. You got it. You nailed it. Adol. You're fucking. You're fucking hot tonight.

[Special Guest]

Only the name is the same.

[JPC]

Yeah, because, like, bulbs grow in the garden and bulbs are also in your room, but they.

[Aaron Keenan]

Aren't they similarly shaped?

[JPC]

Aren't they similarly shaped?

[Special Guest]

No, only the name is the same.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Of course. Duh. Yeah, of course. Only the names are the same.

[Luke Null]

Don't we have the stock market because of tulips or something?

[JPC]

Okay. Huh? Uh huh.

[Luke Null]

Isn't that how we have the stock market?

[JPC]

Well, here's the.

[Special Guest]

That was the Dutch. The Dutch had a tulip war. Yeah, in the 1600s. That's real.

[JPC]

And that's why we have the stock market. And we can't Google it.

[Aaron Keenan]

See, we wouldn't need Google if Luke was here all the time. I'm trying to pick you to be on the show.

[Special Guest]

Always Here there's somebody with a shirt.

[Luke Null]

That says stock market and they're losing their mind right now. I do want to see a scene. Aaron and Luke, you are two roses in the garden.

[Aaron Keenan]

Great.

[Luke Null]

Tall. Tall and beautiful. And jpc. You are a little garlic. A little bulb of garlic that's grown next to them. And they're finally having a conversation with you.

[Special Guest]

Nice day. Really soaking up the juices.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, you look. You are looking really well.

[Special Guest]

And to you as well. You looking so good.

[Luke Null]

Really.

[Special Guest]

The photosynthesis, it just tastes so yumlicious.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, my God. Thank you. Hold on. Sorry. What? Hi.

[Special Guest]

Oh, hi.

[JPC]

Hey.

[Special Guest]

Oh.

[JPC]

Oh, man. What a gorgeous day. You two are looking good.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, my God, it smells so bad. Oh, my God.

[JPC]

Oh, man. I bet we all hope they put us on bread. Is it.

[Special Guest]

Is it. Is it messed up? Is it racial to call out his scent?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, I think it might be. I'm so sorry.

[JPC]

I hope they all. I bet we all hope they put us on bread.

[Special Guest]

We actually. No, we kind of just like. We're actually not great on bread.

[JPC]

Well, you guys are tall. Whoa. You guys are tall.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, well. Yeah, it runs in the family a little bit. We're very beautiful too. What's. Where are you from?

[JPC]

The ground? I'm from the dirt.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, same. Yeah, same though, I guess.

[Special Guest]

Same. I guess same.

[JPC]

What? Why aren't you guys covered in it?

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, well, I guess we're hiding.

[JPC]

Why is it all over me?

[Aaron Keenan]

We sort of are, like, waiting to be picked and maybe given to a loved one, maybe for, like, a funeral or, like, a wedding or Valentine's Day. And you're waiting to be.

[Special Guest]

You look like you just got marked by a dog.

[Luke Null]

And I do want to see just a quick, sort of, like, Taming of the Shrew, My Fair lady montage where you two are trying to teach, of course, the garlic to be high society.

[Aaron Keenan]

Mm. Okay, so repeat after us. Roses are red.

[Special Guest]

He's getting there.

[Luke Null]

Scene.

[JPC]

Great montage.

[Aaron Keenan]

Great montage.

[JPC]

The one scene montage that makes you bail on the whole montage is the start of the montage. He's obviously not gonn. And you're like, fuck it.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. I've been in an improv show before. I know what to do. I know what this game is.

[Special Guest]

Pull the rip cord right away.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

One strike.

[JPC]

All right, here we go. Here's your next one. I am a man without bones. My flesh is white. I am a man without blood. My flesh is cold. I'm a man without life. My flesh is shrinking. I am the man you made and lost.

[Aaron Keenan]

Clint Eastwood.

[Luke Null]

Whoa.

[JPC]

Wow. Yes, Aaron, do we remember the empty chair? That was Obama.

[Aaron Keenan]

I forgot how crazy I did forget about that. That was awesome.

[Special Guest]

The mayor of Carmel. The mayor of Carmel by the Sea in California, briefly.

[JPC]

Was that the RNC where he talked to an empty chair at that heat.

[Luke Null]

2016 or no, 2008.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

This was Obama years 2012. Good times, huh? Thanks, Obama.

[Luke Null]

I take that now.

[Aaron Keenan]

GPZ. Can you read it again? Because.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. A man is.

[JPC]

I'm a man without bones. My flesh is white. I am a man without blood. My flesh is cold. I'm a man without life. My flesh is shrinking. I am the man you made and lost.

[Aaron Keenan]

Ice Cube.

[Special Guest]

Snowman.

[JPC]

It is Snowman. It is Snowman, Luke. Whoa.

[Aaron Keenan]

It makes a lot of sense, Aaron.

[JPC]

I think you get partial credit. Partial credit for Ice Cube. It really helped everybody.

[Aaron Keenan]

I want the whole thing, or I want. I don't get credit. I gotta keep myself honest.

[JPC]

I can't just. I can't give you the whole thing.

[Special Guest]

I think it would've been closer to Ice Cube if there was also another little clue that said, my son played me in the movie.

[Aaron Keenan]

About me. I'd like to see a scene. Yes. Jpc. You're a kid, Luke. You are a snowman that he made and brought to life. And you're like, sort of a couple weeks in to this.

[Special Guest]

G'day.

[JPC]

Oh, hey. You're back.

[Special Guest]

G'day.

[JPC]

Are you smoking weed in my shed?

[Special Guest]

Well, I. I'm just passing the time. Cause I know I only got. You know, it's. It's March, so. Yeah, I kind of know. You know, it's kind of. Yeah, I got my. Make a wish.

[JPC]

I'm sorry.

[Special Guest]

I'm terminal and I'm. I was allowed to have a wish, and you're. My wish is to meet a loving little boy.

[JPC]

Oh, I. I thought I made you out of snow.

[Special Guest]

You did, and now I'm dying.

[JPC]

Oh, okay. It's like a. Like a figurative make a wish now. Like, you. You didn't go through the company.

[Special Guest]

I went through the company. Yeah. They know that I'm on a transplant list, and it's not looking good.

[JPC]

What. What would you need to transplant?

[Special Guest]

Well, I. Here's the thing. I need a large ball of snow. I need a slightly smaller ball of snow, and I need a even yet smaller ball of snow, all three of them. And that's kind of a thing.

[JPC]

Hey, so my mom. My mom got the electric bill, and it was like 600 bucks. Cool. Well, no, but, like, it shouldn't be in the winter. And then I realized that there's the air conditioning unit in the shed, and I feel like maybe you're just out in the shed running the air conditioning, like, 20, 24, 7.

[Special Guest]

I'm running the air conditioning. It's kind of a life support scenario for me.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Where if you were to pull. This would be pulling the plug. If you turn that off.

[JPC]

Yeah. It's just. It's 56 degrees outside, so it feels just like maybe, like this wish is.

[Special Guest]

Not going how I wanted I. When they did.

[Luke Null]

Champ. Knock, knock. Hey, champ.

[JPC]

Oh, hey, dad.

[Luke Null]

Hey, buddy. Has a hairdryer on his side. Hey, buddy. Your mom showed me the electric bill. I just want to let you know I'm about to take your friend to a. To a farm up in Antarctica. Down in Antarctica. So if you want to say goodbye or anything. No, actually plots in the hairdryer.

[JPC]

Oh, that. Don't just. That's going to kill the electricity bill, too. Mom's going to be even more mad. In fact, honestly, Dad, I think you've been solving a lot of problems around the house with the hair dryer. That might be A significant portion of the electricity bill.

[Luke Null]

I thought it worked for the creme brulee last night. Would you. Would you agree?

[JPC]

No. No, I have to disagree. It took so long.

[Luke Null]

I think after 12 hours and it.

[JPC]

Just made it kind of warm, I.

[Luke Null]

Thought the creme was bruleed.

[JPC]

I think you need a blowtorch. I think you need way hotter and for a waste and for a way briefer period of time.

[Special Guest]

I'm sorry. Snowman here. I've been listening, and I know what you're ready to do to me, but I was more concerned with if you're using a full blast hair dryer on a creme brulee, that it didn't kind of squirt all of the. The junk out of the thing. Like, it. Like just the force of the hair dryer didn't blow any of the.

[Luke Null]

I'm sorry. You don't know what's best for my family. Actually, that's where we part. Excuse me.

[Special Guest]

I do.

[Luke Null]

Excuse me.

[Aaron Keenan]

We see a montage of the snowman slowly falling in love with the mom, taking over the life, playing baseball with the kid.

[JPC]

I guess this is okay. I mean, neither one of them was great at baseball scene.

[Aaron Keenan]

Gord.

[JPC]

Great work, everyone. Great work with our one scene Mud.

[Luke Null]

I love the idea of like an organ transplant person being like, oh, shit. I don't know what happened, but I lost it. They're like, what? It's like I opened the cooler and it was just. It was all ice and snow. And they're like, no, that's what that was the thing.

[JPC]

Oh, my God. That was for Snowman.

[Luke Null]

I thought maybe a dog got at it.

[JPC]

There was a terrible accident and we got a snowman middle that was shipped priority over here. Oh, God.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. A snowman died in a car wreck.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

I get an organ donor on his license.

[JPC]

It's my son.

[Special Guest]

This is my son.

[JPC]

Okay, this one's a little bit longer.

[Special Guest]

Okay, cool.

[JPC]

When wild once I was silently the world I roamed I sniffed and listened to the wind My green gold gaze surveyed the dark and hunger held my hunter's heart. Now tame and safe I am. But sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffling the shadowed leaves I hear the owl cry in the dark and hunger haunts my hunter's heart.

[Luke Null]

Is this like a dog that used to be a wolf, Adel?

[JPC]

It is not like a dog that used to be a wolf, but it's shockingly close. Shockingly close for what I assume, and I just want to verify, was a joke answer at all. Or was it a real Attempt.

[Luke Null]

That's the only thing I can think of of. Like, I used to be, like, this wild thing, and now I'm tame. And I know that wolves became dogs and there's no more wolves anymore.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Rip and we can't Google that.

[Special Guest]

We got rid of wolves.

[Luke Null]

Somebody who works at wolves has a wolf.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Wolves hoodie on if you want to.

[Aaron Keenan]

Definitely be a startup. It would have a ping pong table for sure.

[JPC]

There are probably a lot of people listening to this that have that three wolves. How I got the moon shirt on. But they don't work at wolves.

[Luke Null]

Yeah. Their logo is the whole movie. The gray.

[JPC]

He breaks the wolves with the bottle. The end of that movie.

[Luke Null]

Get the bar fight with the wolf.

[Aaron Keenan]

Can you read it again? And I hate to ask that.

[JPC]

Yeah. Especially since this one has. This one, I feel like, has some tongue twisters in it. When wild once I was silently the world I roamed I sniffed and listened to the wind My green gold gaze surveyed the dark and hunger held my hunter's heart now tame and safe I am but sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffled shuffling the shadowed leaves I hear the owl cry in the dark and hunger haunts my hunter's heart it makes me want to howl.

[Luke Null]

How literal is gold? Green.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, green.

[JPC]

Gold gaze. I think it's pretty literal. Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

So it's something that has green and gold eyes.

[JPC]

Yeah, I would say. So.

[Aaron Keenan]

Who's an animal?

[Special Guest]

Not a kitty cat, Luke.

[JPC]

It is a kitty cat.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, adult. You were very close.

[JPC]

You were so close with wolf. Yeah, you. You were just in the wrong domesticated animal.

[Special Guest]

I would argue, though, that everyone knows that house cats will, like, kill things for sport more than anything. Like, they're. Yeah, they.

[Luke Null]

They.

[Special Guest]

They aren't done hunting.

[JPC]

No.

[Luke Null]

They're lying out of the living room is what they say.

[Special Guest]

That's right.

[JPC]

I feel like we did a really good job as a society domesticating dogs. And we're like, damn. We really. We could make these dogs do so many specialized tasks. And then we all, like, turned to cats. We were like, good enough.

[Special Guest]

Well, they'll. They'll eat my face if I die.

[JPC]

We did a halfway fine job on cats, but it's just more trouble than it's worth. Do you think that in another, like, thousand years, like, dogs will be people. Like, dogs will be wearing, like, sport coats. Can I make you a martini? And cats will be where dogs are now.

[Luke Null]

Whoa.

[JPC]

Like, cats are just not there yet with domestication. But we're, like, still really trying.

[Aaron Keenan]

JPC's edible. Just kicked in everybody.

[JPC]

JPC's. JPC's. Three hours of sleep last night has just now kicked in. Jpc.

[Luke Null]

Honest answer. Dogs and cats will never be humans, but I feel like in a thousand years, dogs will be where horses are, where people will ride dogs with, like, a foot on two different dogs.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Luke Null]

Does that make sense? Like skiing?

[Aaron Keenan]

Like Mad Max.

[Luke Null]

Thank you. Yes. Like Mad Max, they'll be riding dogs.

[Special Guest]

I have an idea for a scene. I'll call it up for y'all.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Special Guest]

Aaron and jbc, you guys are in an office break room. And Adol is a dog. He's a dog accountant.

[JPC]

This is all he wants. This is all he wants in the world.

[Special Guest]

He's coming in. He's just, you know, getting on his coffee break.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron Keenan]

I mean, we had that HR meeting about, like, who peed on the floor? And I feel like we all kind of, like, know who peed on the floor.

[Luke Null]

Move. Move. So I'm trying to get to the cabinet for my. Move.

[JPC]

Cabinet for your.

[Luke Null]

For my coffee bowl.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah. You know what? Actually, Greg, I think it's still on the floor. I don't think you cleaned it up from.

[Luke Null]

Sorry. Sorry.

[JPC]

Last time.

[Luke Null]

Well, I don't know if you talked to HR yet, but you two are actually responsible for cleaning my coffee bowl and my lunch bowl, right?

[Aaron Keenan]

Cause they're on the floor and you can't reach the sink. How was your kid's birthday party this weekend, Greg?

[Luke Null]

Good. Yeah? 14 kids from one litter, eight from another. So it was 26 birthday presents and I'm financially ruined. It was fine. It was fine.

[Aaron Keenan]

You know about that HR meeting later we're having about who peed on the floor?

[Luke Null]

I don't know if I can make that. Oh, Linda, I smell. Smell like two days ago you had.

[JPC]

Watch it.

[Luke Null]

Thai food.

[Aaron Keenan]

No, don't do this.

[Luke Null]

Seems like you've pooped three times when.

[Aaron Keenan]

You smelled my divorce. It was a really, really, really bad day for me, so can you just cool it?

[Luke Null]

Hey, hey, hey, Linda, I smelled another woman on Mark. Okay, I don't smell another woman.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's sort of the same thing. It's sort of the means to the same end. Huh?

[JPC]

You smelled it 12 hours before Linda found out about it, so.

[Luke Null]

Okay, I can smell divorce.

[JPC]

Okay, you know what?

[Aaron Keenan]

Why don't we probably make that meeting, right?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

Tyler, he should be at that meeting right now that we.

[JPC]

Yeah, I think you should definitely be at that meeting.

[Luke Null]

I have to get some shots, so.

[JPC]

Oh, okay. That's convenient. Actually, I just got you. Well, we don't get shots every year. Well, I guess we do, but we just get different shots every year. We get, like, Covid boosters and stuff.

[Luke Null]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

I think you should really make that meeting, Greg. I think you should probably show up.

[Special Guest]

Welcome to the meeting. It's really nice to have you guys in here. I think, you know, we're gonna cut to the chase. Someone has repeatedly been on play chase. Oh, no, we're not playing chase. Sorry. Sorry, Greg. Oh, it's. Oh, it's all right, Greg.

[Luke Null]

But this is on the floor a little bit.

[Special Guest]

Okay. And I think the meeting's over now, Tom.

[Aaron Keenan]

Thank God. Everyone's gonna think it's Greg and not me. Linda, who peed on the floor. Phew.

[JPC]

Thank God Greg's taking the heat. I've been so sick for the past couple weeks.

[Aaron Keenan]

Scene. Oh, is the humans peeing on the floor? Everybody.

[Luke Null]

Humans peeing.

[Special Guest]

That one was a tw.

[JPC]

If I worked in an office with a dog who also worked in that office, and I was supposed to clean up that dog's bowl, I think I'd start peeing on the floor. I think I would start peeing on the floor just to get the dog in trouble.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, that's a good peek behind the curtain of your personality gpc.

[Luke Null]

Yeah, that sucks.

[JPC]

All right, fine. Let's take a quick break. We'll be back with more peeing on the floor and blaming a dog.

[Aaron Keenan]

He's gonna pee on the floor during the break.

[Luke Null]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Can't prove that. 5, 2, 3, 4, 8. Rizzo Riddle.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm still in my mind, and I'm talking in my sleep. I'm sleeping on my Helix mattress. I can't wake up from recording. It's so comfy.

[JPC]

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You fell asleep in the middle of recording. We're trying to record a Helix mattress ad for the podcast. What are you doing?

[Aaron Keenan]

Sorry. I didn't get to sleep in my Helix bed last night, and now all I want, I'm just craving it. I'm just dreaming about it. My midnight Lux you didn't get to.

[JPC]

Was someone, like, preventing you from sleeping in your bed last night?

[Aaron Keenan]

I can't find my keys to my house.

[Luke Null]

Oh. Cause Lou Adam. Because who wants to sleep in your Helix Sleep mattress?

[Aaron Keenan]

Of course.

[JPC]

The mattress so comfortable, dogs will eat your keys to get to it. Well, I don't know. Helix.

[Luke Null]

That's a positive. That's a positive.

[JPC]

It's a positive. Well, Aaron, your Helix sleep mattress sounds awesome. I frankly am having a really terrible time sleeping on my Mattress. It was supposed to be like, a new mattress that I got from, like, a. I don't want to say it was, like, a shady company, but it seems like it's just kind of like a flat piece of board I got it from. Oh, man. It's Midler's mattress.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, no.

[JPC]

It's not even hidden this time.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, no.

[JPC]

And you know what? Now that I'm thinking of it, it was definitely Steve that delivered it.

[Luke Null]

Oh, I forgot about Steve in his Steve mobile. I think.

[JPC]

Yeah, he did it in his Steve mobile. He had the big piece of flatboard strapped to the top of his Steve mobile. Ugh. I wish I'd gotten a Helix sleep mattress because, man, Helix sleep mattresses are the best. The most comfortable sleep that I've ever had in my entire life. I don't know why I chose to get a Middler mattress. That was such a big mistake.

[Aaron Keenan]

That was an insane choice. If you have sleep issues and you need something specific, Helix has the mattress for you. Just take a quick sleep quiz and they set you up perfectly with a mattress.

[Luke Null]

A quiz you don't even have to study for. It's that simple.

[JPC]

And right now, Helix has a March Madness sale going off where you can get 20% off site wide. Just go to helixleep.com riddle for the March Madness sale. That is helixsleep.com riddle for their March Madness sale. Helixleep.com riddle R, I, D, D, L, E. You know what else has 2Ds in it? Midler.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, Midler. Not now, Midler.

[JPC]

It also has 2Ds, like an I and the le. It's like riddle and middle.

[Luke Null]

Middler. Do you sleep on a Middler mattress or a Helix?

[JPC]

Oh, God. I sleep on a Helix mattress. I would never sleep on a Middler mattress.

[Luke Null]

Makes sense.

[JPC]

This podcast is brought to you by squarespace.

[Luke Null]

Get a 90 degree angle and another 90 degree angle. A 90 degree angle. Okay, we have a square space here. We can all just kind of. This is kind of like a sandbox for us. Hey, Riddle host to hang out in.

[JPC]

Oh, perfect. Yeah. Awesome.

[Aaron Keenan]

My corner is messy. Can I switch corners with someone else?

[Luke Null]

Aaron, it sounds like you could actually use Squarespace. Not to be confused with our Squarespace.

[JPC]

Oh, yeah, this Squarespace is a all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one Place, Aaron.

[Aaron Keenan]

And Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your experience and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. I'm going to teach people online how to make your corner of your Squarespace as messy as possible.

[Luke Null]

Ooh, and I guess we can figure out how many people want that because they have analytics. Aaron. Squarespace has analytics. Make smarter business decisions with Squarespace intuitive. Built in analytics tools. Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement and track revenue from bookings, invoices, et cetera. And find out who wants info on how to be messy.

[JPC]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Your guys. Squarespace has all that? Why does mine? I mean, the one that I'm looking at doesn't have any features on it. Oh, I see what's happening. My Squarespace has been invaded by the Middler.

[Luke Null]

No. Oh, no, Aaron, your favorite.

[JPC]

The middler who makes everything middle. That's right, you caught me. The Middler is here. But never fear, the Middler knows what he's been bested. So I'll give you this. The real Squarespace has SEO tools get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Not like me. The middler who makes everything. Finish it. Say it.

[Luke Null]

Who makes everything Mid now, Middler. I heard a rumor that you're called that because you're the middle child.

[JPC]

Wow, this is the most attention I've ever got.

[Aaron Keenan]

Really clamming up. Let's move on. Let's move on.

[Luke Null]

Head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[JPC]

Wow, I had almost forgotten about the Middler. Did you guys forget about the Middler as well?

[Luke Null]

Did he have a sidekick that was like Greg or something?

[JPC]

Oh, he had a normal name.

[Luke Null]

We'll never know.

[Aaron Keenan]

Well, no, we will never know.

[Special Guest]

Steve.

[JPC]

Steve.

[Luke Null]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp Adult.

[Aaron Keenan]

JPC I got some good news. Oh, great.

[Luke Null]

What is it?

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm not mad at you anymore.

[Luke Null]

Oh, that's actually great news.

[JPC]

Yes, it's fine news. I didn't know that you were mad at me at all.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, but I talked to my better help therapist about it and she really helped me. I'm Feeling a lot better now. And it didn't cost me, like, an arm and a leg.

[Luke Null]

Yeah, Aaron, traditional in person therapy can cost, I don't know, anywhere from 100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast. But with BetterHelp online therapy like you used, you can save on average up to 50% per session.

[Aaron Keenan]

With better help, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and time. And you know what? I barely paid anything to be able to talk about how mad I was at you guys. Oh, my gosh, I was so mad.

[JPC]

Well, I like that, Aaron, because I think therapy, you know, it should feel accessible, not like a luxury. And with online therapy, you get a quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress to maybe just being like, I'm going to use the word unreasonably, but that's not a judgment word. Mad at a friend who I'm going to use the word did absolutely nothing wrong. And that is not a judgment word. But your mental health is worth it, Aaron. And now it's within reach.

[Luke Null]

Yeah, Aaron, if you want to talk to someone at BetterHelp, I think that's fantastic. If you want to tell them, like, hey, my friends JPC and Anil, they're like, so cool and supportive. Like, almost too cool and supportive, right?

[Aaron Keenan]

And with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with a click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, plus switch therapists anytime. I love this kind of therapy because it. It suits my brain to be able to just send a message to my counselor whenever I need about how my friends go see 40x movies without me and they sort of rub it in my face.

[JPC]

You know what, Aaron? This is a breakthrough for me. I think I'm gonna reach out to a therapist right now. Would you indulge me for just a moment? Let's do a. Hello, therapy office. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I would like to do some therapy right now.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's the middler. Go to Better Help instead. That's the middler?

[JPC]

No, that's not the middler.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yes.

[JPC]

Is that the middler?

[Luke Null]

It's either that or Bette Midler. Any relation.

[Aaron Keenan]

Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com riddle today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com riddle R I--L E. Let better.

[Luke Null]

Help be the wind beneath your wings. Bette Midler and Johnny Carson.

[JPC]

Hey, everyone. Today I want to talk to you about Found. As a fellow small business owner, I really relate to the struggle of managing your finances while also trying to grow your business. After all, who's got time to eat a thousand locusts or eat 2,000 locusts?

[Aaron Keenan]

Uh, oh, um. No, that might not be the right amount of locusts.

[Luke Null]

Thank you, Katharine Hepbard.

[Aaron Keenan]

That might not be the right amount of locusts.

[JPC]

Hey, Aaron, can I talk to you for a second?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. What's up?

[JPC]

I said before we should record this ad that I wanted to be the guy that did the funny thing in this ad. Okay. And then you came on with a brand new super funny character.

[Aaron Keenan]

I got that.

[JPC]

Snake throat.

[Aaron Keenan]

I got it. I got it. I got it. I won't do snake throat. I'll save Snake Throat for a different ad.

[JPC]

Fine. Okay. I'm going to continue with the copy. Okay. Okay, great. And please don't do snake throat.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay.

[JPC]

That's why I started using Found. Found is a business banking platform that has made everything about managing my business finances easy. From automatically tracking expenses for me to helping me manage invoices to find write offs.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Found has saved me so much time. It has honestly helped me be smarter about how I handle my money. It's such a headache having a business. I don't want to have to be stressed about it all the time.

[Luke Null]

Thanks, Snake Mouth. Snake Throat. Stay out of it.

[Aaron Keenan]

It's both.

[Luke Null]

Huh?

[JPC]

Wait. Now. Now it seems. Okay, I. I can see that nobody's on my side here, so I'm just going to make like a tree and root out the problem. You're both out of here.

[Luke Null]

Oh, speaking of tree, we have Mr. Pine. Oh, and by the way, other small businesses are loving Found too. This Found user said Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices even. And found has 30,000 five star reviews just like this. Open a Found account for free at F o u n d.com Riddle found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Piermont bank member fdic. Don't put this one off. Join thousands of small business owners who have streamlined their finances with Found. And now to sleep for a thousand years.

[JPC]

And he's gone.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's found.comf o u n d.com riddle.

[JPC]

Okay, I was supposed to do this whole thing about how I use the business to buy a bunch of Locusts Because I eat locusts. But I guess we're just not doing that thing because we got Snakemouth and the tree guy. Open a found account for [e-mail] Riddle.

[Aaron Keenan]

Sorry, JPC. Sorry, man, but it's really fun to drive you insane.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

You guys, I have a riddle. I told some of some folks that I was coming on the show, and I said, can anyone give me a true stumper?

[Aaron Keenan]

These.

[Special Guest]

These folks have heard them all. You know, what is the hardest riddle that you know? And I got a riddle that I. I'll tell you what. It's a fricking stumper. Do you guys want to hear this riddle?

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm very excited.

[Luke Null]

Absolutely.

[JPC]

Yeah. I mean, we have to. I also have supreme confidence in us. I think that you, Luke, I mean, you're obviously a riddle neophyte. You don't know riddles like we do.

[Special Guest]

No, no, no.

[JPC]

You think this is the true stumper? We're three professionals. Like, we're at the height of our game.

[Aaron Keenan]

As you can see, he's seen your weird butt. Okay, you're sort of ass exposed right now.

[JPC]

Aaron, don't interrupt. I have a lot more. We're kind of like. We're kind of like the three shacks of riddles. It's nothing but net. It's all. Shaq was good. It's like, three points.

[Luke Null]

There's one thing Shaq was known for. It was nothing but.

[Special Guest]

And if there's one thing JPC is known for, it's knowing anything about athletics.

[JPC]

I'm just now finding out his name is not spelled like steak.

[Special Guest]

Shaq, S H, a q. Genuine question, JPC. Can you name a team that Shaquille O'Neal played for?

[JPC]

Oh, I can name three. First of all, I. I told. Have you ever. I've ever told you guys that I met Shaq.

[Luke Null]

Is that real?

[Special Guest]

Is that how I beat Shaq?

[JPC]

I didn't meet Shaq, but I grew up in Indianapolis, and there was a while where the Pacers were good, right? But I remember the Lakers were in town, and they played the Lakers. And there was a thing on, like, the radio that weekend or something, where there was a dealership, like a car dealership in town, that when the Lakers came to town, they gave shaq, like, an F350 super duty. Cause they were like, he's the biggest guy in the world. He can't fit in any cars. Our dealership is gonna get pressed by, like, letting him go around in this truck. And my mom worked downtown, and we were going to her work to, like, get some, like, papers or some shit, like. And I remember being a little kid sitting in the backseat of my car at a stoplight, and I looked up outside of my car, and there, in the biggest truck I'd ever seen was the hugest man I'd ever seen. It was. I mean, I was a little kid, and Shaq was Shaq size. It was like, looking at, like, a titan. Like what? Like, the depiction of Kronos as he's, like, the gods, you know, dropping their little God bodies down his goal. He was the biggest person I've ever seen. It was truly. I didn't actually talk to him or anything. I just kind of, like, gaped up at him. And then my mom was like, that's Shaq. And I was like, yeah, it is. I will say that Shaq played for the 76ers. Whoa.

[Luke Null]

No.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wow. So much confidence.

[Luke Null]

Yikes. Bye.

[Special Guest]

As he said the Lakers kind of.

[Luke Null]

Have you seen the painting of Shaq eating his son? It's horrifying, but beautiful.

[JPC]

Please tell me, does he have a son?

[Luke Null]

He has several sons, yes.

[JPC]

That would be very funny to have a painting of him eating one of his sons. And it's like, hey, come on, man. I get the joke.

[Special Guest]

But there was an old picture of Shaq, and, like, this was, like, a long time ago. This where he was dating the girl who won Flavor of Love season two, so Flavor Flav to Shaq. So she's now dating Shaq, which is. That's. That's a. That's a. You know, that's a non Flavor Flav.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

And there's a picture of them holding hands. Like, a paparazzi photo of them walking down the street, and she's having to straight up, like, reach up to hold his hand.

[Aaron Keenan]

Like, oh, no, different babysat.

[Special Guest]

Yup. And it's really tough. And then you just, like, seeing their height differential. You're like, her head is, like, belt level with him. You know?

[JPC]

You're like, yeah.

[Special Guest]

Oh, no. The physics of some of that. The physics of some of that.

[Luke Null]

You're 100% right. That sex with Shaq is like the grape stump lady.

[Special Guest]

I also like sex with Shaq is like the new short form games. Sex with Shaq is like.

[JPC]

Sex with Shaq.

[Luke Null]

It's like, very good.

[Special Guest]

Okay, do you guys want to hear this riddle?

[Aaron Keenan]

I would love to.

[JPC]

Yes.

[Special Guest]

It's been instructed to me to read it quickly because I'm not allowed to give it a timbre and a musicality of its own. It's meant to be read Quickly.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay, got it.

[Special Guest]

Here we go. So let me. Let me rip this. What has a voice but never speaks? What runs but never moves, what ends before it begins. Bridges nowhere to nothing, while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song.

[Aaron Keenan]

This does sound hard. Jpc, your big speech earlier is looking pretty foolish.

[JPC]

Well, I don't know, Aaron. Adam did just say Terabithia, so I think we got it.

[Luke Null]

I heard bridge in there somewhere. Luke, I'd like to answer.

[Special Guest]

Okay, let's hear it.

[Luke Null]

Drafted by the Orlando Magic, traded to the Lakers. Stint in Miami where he won another championship. Then the Boston Celtics. Then I want to say stay on the Raptors for a hot minute. No, that was. Maybe Elijah won. I'll stop at Boston Celtics. Cavs. He was on the Cavs. Yes. Damn it. So close.

[Special Guest]

Retired. Retired as a cavalry.

[Luke Null]

That's right.

[Special Guest]

Is that correct, Gabe?

[JPC]

Shaq was on all those basketball teams.

[Special Guest]

Shaq was on a lot of team. He played for a very long time.

[Aaron Keenan]

Was he gave my ignorance. But how. What is the average amount of teams that someone will play for in a career nowadays?

[Luke Null]

They used to have a term for people who got traded, which was like journeyman. And nowadays everyone gets traded. Lukathon just got traded, which is the most insane shit of all time.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, I was trying to understand that and I couldn't quite grasp the stakes. I've never seen people panic about a trade like that because it was the.

[Luke Null]

Dumbest trade of all time. It's like trading Michael Jordan in his prime and being like, this is good for what though?

[Special Guest]

For. For an old guy. 10 hot meals who never plays.

[Luke Null]

10 hot meals and a thumbs up.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. And like they almost won that. They were in the finals last year with Luka and they were like, let's get rid of the. Our best player.

[Aaron Keenan]

Did anyone understand why? Did he cost too much money?

[Luke Null]

The rumor is that the fat or.

[Special Guest]

He drank too much. There's a million rumors. Why?

[Luke Null]

The big rumor that I believe is that the owner, it's like a newer owner, is that the owners wanted to open up a casino in Dallas and they wouldn't let them because they're like, well, the team is so popular that we don't. The revenue. Da da da da. So they're like, okay, well I'll just slowly make this team unpopular so I can open up my casino.

[Special Guest]

They now have a record setting amount of people injured. So now their entire team, they have seven people who can play basketball right now. Which on a team of what, 16? So nine of them are injured and can't play. So they're like. The coach is basically like, I don't even know what to do. Like, I don't know.

[JPC]

Here's what you do. You know, say air, but don't say don't. In an homage to the great we Gene Hackman, we replacements this rip, and we have Keanu Reeves come in. You have that guy who looks like he could be an oasis. The guy from the make 7up.

[Luke Null]

JPC. Here's what sucks. I know exactly who you're talking about. Is it Rife's Ifson or what's his name?

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah. It's like, if Rifesson.

[Special Guest]

Oh, are you talking about. Are you talking about Little Nicky's brother?

[JPC]

Is it the same guy that plays the lizard in the bad Spider man movie? Yeah, yeah, it's that guy.

[Special Guest]

Yeah.

[Luke Null]

And he's also in the Game of Thrones spinoff. He's like the Hand of the King or something.

[Special Guest]

That guy's good. I like that guy.

[Aaron Keenan]

He is good.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'd like to see a scene. It's Mavericks, right? We're talking about them kind of. Yeah, I guess. Luke, you are the coach of the Dallas Mavericks, and it's halftime, and you're trying to give a speech that's going to motivate the pathetic team in front of you, played by JPC and Adol and Aaron.

[JPC]

And Aaron. And Aaron. You can be.

[Aaron Keenan]

We'll see. We'll see. I might hop in with a little something.

[Special Guest]

You guys, It's. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. That was a tough half.

[Luke Null]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

You know, I appreciate that we hustled. I know. We're playing 3v5. All right? We're playing 3v5. So.

[JPC]

Wait, wait, wait. That was only half.

[Special Guest]

That was only one half.

[JPC]

We still have one more half to do.

[Special Guest]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, we have two more quarters.

[Luke Null]

Can we use all our timeouts in a row to end the game?

[Special Guest]

I already used my timeouts, and the other team started calling timeouts as, like, a, we're sorry, we won't. And then I'm like, actually, if you can stop calling them, we want the clock to run out.

[JPC]

Could you make a rule or could you talk to the ref? If I need to rest on the little table that they have where they're calling the game, could you just. I know I can't sit in the chairs, but could you just see if I could rest, like, leaning on the table, like, I'm still standing. I'm just leaning on the table, Daphne.

[Special Guest]

Unfortunately, I can't rest. Any of you guys. We actually. Yeah.

[Luke Null]

Can I wear roller skates in the second half?

[Special Guest]

Honestly, whatever gets you. You through it. I. I think you. I don't think there's a rule against it, but I am worried that it will. You'll be injured just with your momentum.

[Aaron Keenan]

Mr. Coach, sir. Pulling on your jacket.

[Special Guest]

Oh, yes, yes. You Dickensian street orphan.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Who plays center.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. It seems like a lot of these fans sort of keep saying. They keep screaming that they could do better. What if we let them try?

[Special Guest]

Mr. Coach, sir, I'm one step ahead of you. We actually. The game is going on right now.

[JPC]

Oh, good.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, it's behind us. They're running up and down.

[Special Guest]

So it is happening right now, and there are fans playing, and this is kind of a good moment for a lot of these kinds of guys who say they can play better, and they're just getting windmill dunked on and. But they told me to kind of jingle keys and keep you guys kind of busy, so that's.

[Aaron Keenan]

Keys. Oh, my goodness.

[Luke Null]

I got it.

[JPC]

Honestly, if some of these fans can shoot basketballs the same way that they whip batteries, I think that we're gonna, you know, actually make some baskets today.

[Luke Null]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Philadelphia is a brutal place to play.

[Luke Null]

Scene. Aaron, I have to imagine your catchphrase was, please, sir, may I have a dunk?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, probably something like that. I'll think of another one.

[JPC]

Okay, so this. This riddle has, like, a 13th hour in it.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's what threw me at first. I thought it could be, like, a sentence.

[JPC]

Yeah. Daylight reading time could be. Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

I would like it again.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. Do you want me to read it really fast again?

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

Okay. What has a voice but never speaks? What runs but never moves. What ends before it begins. Bridges nowhere to nothing. While a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song.

[Luke Null]

It's not like a refrigerator, is it? No, because it runs without. Okay, never mind.

[JPC]

The color of a soundless song. I feel like so much of this is, like, intentionally misleading.

[Luke Null]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Bridges nowhere to. Or nowhere to nothing.

[Luke Null]

Bridges nowhere to the word two.

[Aaron Keenan]

Silent two.

[Special Guest]

That's what I thought, too, but no.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay. But sort of validating that someone else thought that. I did think that because 13 Chime, I was like, that might be silence. Because there is no 13.

[JPC]

The 13th chime. Yeah, there is no 13th chime. Or like, I think the 13th chime is, like, national emergency.

[Special Guest]

I asked the person that sent this to me. I said, Is there a hint?

[Luke Null]

Telephone.

[Special Guest]

And this person said there is no hint because this is a nonsense. There is no answer. This is nonsense that I jamming up. And they just wanted to see what you would guess with a bunch of made up garbage.

[Aaron Keenan]

Who did this?

[Luke Null]

This is like the Jabberwocky.

[Aaron Keenan]

Who did this?

[Special Guest]

This was. Let me see. Sorry.

[Luke Null]

The Jabberwockies featuring Jabberkeys.

[Special Guest]

This was from me.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron Keenan]

Wow. Wow.

[Special Guest]

This was for me.

[Luke Null]

Luke.

[Aaron Keenan]

Gbt. Are you calling nine one one.

[JPC]

On myself.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[JPC]

They gotta stop me before I do.

[Special Guest]

What I'm going to do. No, don't do it to me.

[Luke Null]

Luke gets swatted for a riddle. Luke, I. That was truly phenomenal writing because that hit every single point of what a riddle like that. I would have guessed that was like a riddle from like the 1800s. That was incredible.

[Special Guest]

Hey, I did my very best for it to make absolutely no sense, but sound like it might make some. I think I went one thing too much.

[JPC]

There definitely sounded like there was an answer that was extremely good.

[Aaron Keenan]

And you know, no one's done that before. And it kind of felt good. It kind of felt good to have someone come in and. Absolutely. Oh God.

[Special Guest]

I've talked to JPC a lot about the. Just the amount of riddles you guys have done over the years and just like how you've. You've gone through the bottom of the barrel and you're now you've dug through the center to the core of the earth kind of thing where I'm like, what would you do if I just gave you just. This is where you've reached like hollow earth.

[Aaron Keenan]

Honestly, Luke, it felt kind of good for it to have no answer because sometimes the answer pisses me off so much that. That genuinely sort of felt like sweet death.

[Luke Null]

There's a tension, relief.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, I know what you mean. When the answer makes less sense.

[JPC]

Yes, this tracks for you, Aaron. Because, Aaron, weren't you saying this weekend that you like a little bit of pleasure with your pain and vice versa?

[Aaron Keenan]

You were saying that to me while I was on the phone. I am having a ton of sex, okay? I hate the soundboard. I said that once as a joke and now JTC and they clip that. Yeah, they clicked that. Well, jvc, play one of your clips. Fuck you. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck you, Casey. Fuck you too. Never mind. Luke, I have a question for you though. Is it possible if our listeners submitted some answers to this riddle, if you. If we could send them along to you and you could deem which one.

[Special Guest]

Is the answer 100%. Do you guys think I should have let you sweat it out longer?

[Luke Null]

I think that was the perfect amount of sweating it out because anything else, we'd be pissed. This was like. Like Aaron said, this was like amazing. This is like a release of eight. An eight year holding of our breath.

[Aaron Keenan]

To be like, yeah, I almost cried. Like a relief kind of cry. Like when you cry in yoga.

[Special Guest]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

A relief.

[Special Guest]

You're crying out a bad spirit.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[JPC]

I think if you wanted to be an absolute bastard, what you could have done, Luke, is you could have done another 10 minutes of it and kept giving us hints. Like, hints that equally made no fucking sense, but like, we were we, because I felt lost the whole time. But if you had made me feel like I was very close but I wasn't getting it, then I would have been like, oh, fuck you.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. If I had used the color of a soundless song as a hint, yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

You would have watched me get a nosebleed.

[Luke Null]

I think last. Not this year, but last year's Sketchfest, someone. I believe it was at San Francisco Sketchfest, somebody gave me thus us a copy of a game called I want to say it's called Wise Owls, and it's a bunch of cards that you flip over and there's like 5,000 combinations of how the cars could like, play out in three or four word order. And it presents a answer and then you have to make up a riddle for it. So you're basically. It's a game where you have to improvise riddles based on an answer.

[Special Guest]

I believe so at some point, the reverse engineering riddles.

[Luke Null]

At some point, Luke, we should have you on a Patreon and play some Wise Owls and see what we're doing.

[JPC]

You're the one that has that at all.

[Luke Null]

Yes.

[JPC]

Okay. I was going to say I was like, I don't have. I don't think I have that, but that makes more sense. I have it. All right, well, hey. Okay, fuck you, Luke. We're going to make you do a real one now because of what you just did to us.

[Special Guest]

Well, technically, mine was a real one. No, I mean, he wrote it. I would argue. I would argue that my nonsense riddle with purposefully no answer. What was better than like one or two of the riddles that were submitted? Last time I was on the show, there were two of them where I'm like, that one. I'm like, that's not offense or whatever. I don't know.

[Aaron Keenan]

Also, Luke, I think my favorite part of your performance was you going, I have to read it a certain way because that's what was making me spiral. It's like, oh, if this was written in a cadence, I would be able to get it. Like, if I. If you read it a different way.

[Luke Null]

Yes.

[Aaron Keenan]

That rocked. That really broke my brain.

[Luke Null]

Aaron, there's only one thing to do because JPC and Luke are fighting. We have to take this riddle to Riddle Court.

[Aaron Keenan]

Hello and welcome back to Riddle Court. Please welcome Judge jpc.

[Luke Null]

All right.

[JPC]

Wait, he's the judge?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Sorry. This is a bad system. I'm sorry.

[Luke Null]

This is really bad.

[Aaron Keenan]

And I'm the one who types it all down.

[JPC]

Ass is gonna be a quit case. I am both. He's the judge and the plaintiff in this case.

[Aaron Keenan]

He's also the jury. You're gonna hate this.

[Special Guest]

What is this, America?

[JPC]

All right. Mr. Foreman. Mr. Foreman, do you have a verdict?

[Luke Null]

Yes. Yes, yes.

[JPC]

Not you. You're the stenographer, and I'm both.

[Aaron Keenan]

I announced you. Doesn't the foreman announce the judge?

[JPC]

That's the bailiff behind the character Eric.

[Special Guest]

Foreman from that 70s show.

[JPC]

The character, not the guy. Are the guy good? No, that's Topher Grace. He's fine. Most of them aren't anymore.

[Aaron Keenan]

Luke.

[JPC]

Yeah?

[Aaron Keenan]

There's something that the defendant and the defense. Luke, you have to defend your riddle to Judge JPC and jury jpc. Or you get murdered.

[Special Guest]

Okay, that makes sense. The purpose of any good riddle Judge. Your Honor, in my estimation, and in the eyes of the law, is to have fun.

[Luke Null]

Gibbity, gibbity, gibbity.

[JPC]

I have to agree with the foreman of the jury here, which is that.

[Special Guest]

You agree so hard that you gibbete gibbidy.

[JPC]

Huh?

[Special Guest]

At me.

[JPC]

This is unprecedented. But he makes a compelling point.

[Special Guest]

A riddle is having fun. And did you have fun with the way I read it?

[JPC]

But you're on thin ice. You are on thin ice. Yes, we had fun.

[Aaron Keenan]

Objection, you, Honor. The prosecution would like to say that a riddle is nothing without an answer.

[JPC]

You're the bailiff, the stenographer, and the prosecution.

[Aaron Keenan]

There are eight things, too. There's only three of us.

[JPC]

I feel like. What am I? I'm judge and defendant.

[Aaron Keenan]

You're judge and jury.

[JPC]

I'm jury.

[Special Guest]

I'm somehow on the jury, too.

[Luke Null]

Dog bursts into the courtroom, slams open the door. Stop. Don't. Don't do the electric chair. Stop everything. The governor has called. Oh, is this the wrong.

[Special Guest]

What room do you think this is?

[Luke Null]

Yeah, I am.

[Aaron Keenan]

So we hear an electric chair go next door.

[Luke Null]

We don't know if that was the same thing. Could have been a big bug.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, that might have been a really big bug hitting a zapper.

[JPC]

No, you, Honor, you, Honor, there's a Radio Shack next door. It could have just been someone sitting in one of those nice electric Radio Shack chairs.

[Aaron Keenan]

How do you know the quality of a riddle if it doesn't even have an answer?

[Luke Null]

Oh, that's a great riddle. She posts a riddle. She post a riddle. How do you know?

[JPC]

That's a good point. That's a good point. Speak on that.

[Special Guest]

That sounds like a riddle.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, I'm gonna read my notes. It's sort of all I had.

[Luke Null]

And we slowly pan back and realize that this is the second season of to be's Jury Duty and they tried to cram way too much into it.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

The next season of to be's Jury Duty is that all of them are actors and they think someone isn't an actor, but they're all actors. There is no one who' in on it, but they are unaware. That would actually kind of be great.

[Aaron Keenan]

Casey said, holy shit. Hahaha. That would be a band.

[Luke Null]

Insane.

[JPC]

All right, Casey.

[Luke Null]

It wasn't 2B. It was free V. Free V. Thank you, thank you.

[Aaron Keenan]

Free V, 2B, free V, 3V.

[Special Guest]

Quibi.

[Luke Null]

That was the pamphlet Common Sense. Patrick, what's his name?

[Special Guest]

Thomas Payne.

[Luke Null]

Thomas Payne. Thank you so much. In the pamphlet Common Sense, he wrote give me liberty, give me death, and then he said to be freebie is everythingy.

[Special Guest]

Everythingy.

[Aaron Keenan]

They didn't know I said Thomas Paine though, because I was eating too much peanut butter.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, you were thinking Patrick Henry, Gimme Liberty or Gimme Quibi.

[Aaron Keenan]

Small bites.

[JPC]

I do think that we should do replace like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 with like. Okay, so it's like 2B freebie. Quibi. This is like insane. Television persons counting to 10.

[Luke Null]

Sounds like. Sounds like the guy in Fat Albert.

[Special Guest]

Icelandic.

[Luke Null]

Yeah, yeah, the Icelandic guy in Fat Albert.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, it's just. It's just.

[JPC]

Icelandic. Fat Albert.

[Special Guest]

Icelandic guy who plays the washboard in Fat Albert's band.

[Aaron Keenan]

This is why it's good to have New Blood on the show every once in a while. Because we haven't come up with something that awesome in a minute.

[JPC]

I do like, you know how like, Sesame street. They do like Sesame street in like, different countries. It's like, you know, Peruvian Sesame Street. I would love it if it was every show and they just had Icelandic.

[Luke Null]

Casey says there's Mubi too, which I think Casey, I think Mubi is like a porn thing.

[Aaron Keenan]

That can be f. That can be Six.

[Special Guest]

I think that's from whatchamacallit. Jay and Bob. Yeah, Jay and Soft Bob. Mooby. Mooby is the. They're like McDonald's thing.

[JPC]

Wait, wait, Casey, do you mean the thing that Maria Menounos does before the movies?

[Special Guest]

Oh, the. Mooby time.

[Luke Null]

Mooby time.

[Special Guest]

It's movie time.

[Luke Null]

That's what a kid says to a babysitter.

[Special Guest]

It's movie time and we're watching Antichrist.

[Luke Null]

I don't know.

[Special Guest]

This is just.

[Luke Null]

I've seen YouTubers advertise it.

[JPC]

You've seen YouTubers advertise Mubi?

[Luke Null]

I think so. Is it Mubi or movie? Maybe it's movie.

[JPC]

Yeah, movie is something. Casey. Casey, Movie is like TV shows, but they're long. It's like three episodes of a TV show.

[Luke Null]

I do want to see a movie. I have to see a scene where Luke Noll is a babysitter and jbc and Aaron, you are the kids. And this is a babysitter showing. What's that director's name? Milos. No. Who did Antichrist? The same guy who did Dogtooth and everything, right?

[Special Guest]

Oh, Lars Von Trier.

[Luke Null]

Lars Von. Yes. Yes. Which. There's that movie where breaking the sound, breaking the waves.

[Special Guest]

This is gonna go well.

[Luke Null]

There's a movie Lars Von Trier did where it's like, Adam wants to see.

[JPC]

A scene he can't remember the director or the movie, and he wants to.

[Luke Null]

See a woman believes that God is telling her to cheat on her husband or something. Anyway, this is a babysitter showing the kids he's babysitting in an inappropriate movie.

[Aaron Keenan]

Great.

[Special Guest]

Hey, what's up, you guys? It's me, your babysitter, Luke Null. I'm playing. I'm doing my best, you guys. Hopefully you liked dinner. Did you guys. Kids like dinner?

[Aaron Keenan]

It was French fries you found in your car.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, but they're not all from the same place, so that's part of the taste.

[JPC]

Like it?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Special Guest]

No. One of them was an Arby. There was one Arby in there.

[JPC]

Arby. That's another one. Yeah. Normally, like, our parents, like, try to give us, like, vegetables and, like, protein and stuff for dinner too.

[Special Guest]

Well, I wear. Technically, French fries are protein, and one of those was. Was a meat fry. Was a chicken fry.

[Aaron Keenan]

I knew it. I felt crazy.

[Special Guest]

Now you kids are. I mean, what time's bedtime? You guys got, like, what, two hours before you gotta conk out?

[JPC]

No, bedtime's 9 and it's like 1pm 10:30. We're up way too late.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, yeah, it's 10:30. We're up WAY too late.

[Special Guest]

This sucks. I have to show you a movie legally.

[Aaron Keenan]

Okay. We're really liking Moana right now. If you want to watch Moana with us.

[Special Guest]

We don't got it.

[JPC]

Oh, no. It's streaming physical copies of.

[Special Guest]

Oh, I didn't. I'm not signed in on this smart tv. I only got. I only have the one hard copied disc I brought and my own Blu Ray player.

[JPC]

He's got one of those 2,000 CD booklets with one PD in it. There's one DVD.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, there's the other stuff in here, but that's just. That's not for me. That's just for me.

[JPC]

Okay. Why look like they're. All of these look like they're like burned DVDs. These don't look. Are these like, bootlegs?

[Special Guest]

These are. I have a guy who. If all you have to do is you. You mail. He has a P.O. box, you mail him a request of what you want, and he will put. He'll mail you his number, and you call his number and he'll. He'll come to your house when he's not on house arrest.

[Aaron Keenan]

Sounds pretty seedy, Luke. I don't know if he's hanging out with this. You guys are gonna love this.

[Special Guest]

I actually never met him.

[JPC]

It sounds like, like. Like a bad old Netflix.

[Special Guest]

How old are you kids?

[JPC]

I'm 16 and my sister's 14.

[Aaron Keenan]

I'm 14.

[Special Guest]

Why the am I watching a 16 year old? Why am I babysitting a 16 year old?

[JPC]

What's wrong? I don't.

[Special Guest]

What's your deal?

[JPC]

I don't think anyone called you. Like, our parents are asleep upstairs. What?

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah, we look next door and there's two kids sort of sitting at their dining room table, panicking.

[Special Guest]

They're starving.

[JPC]

We opened the door because we were very, very big fans of one specific season of Saturday Night Live.

[Special Guest]

And we're like, which one?

[JPC]

We love Finesse Mitchell. Oh, he's a great guy, whatever his season was.

[Aaron Keenan]

We'd love to see this movie, though.

[JPC]

Like, yeah, I guess we could. We could see the movie if it.

[Special Guest]

So in order to watch this movie, it is technically the third in a trilogy. But I'm gonna catch you guys up on it by just letting you know that at this point in the story, we know God is dead. So number two ends with God, played by Willem Dafoe, passing away.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Special Guest]

And so what you're about to see is one continuous shot. So this is one long tracking shot, which is. And you're gonna love this.

[JPC]

When you say a long tracking shot, do you mean the movie, or do you mean the guy who's, like, recording the cam of the movie in the theater? It seems like he's running around trying to, like, avoid maybe being, like, tackled by movie theater security.

[Special Guest]

Yeah, he's actively dodging two Paul Blart Mall cop kind of guys as he videotapes a bootleg.

[Aaron Keenan]

I have motion sickness. This is really hard to watch.

[Special Guest]

It is hard to watch, but in a. In an emotional way.

[JPC]

Is the guy who's filming it also humming Yakety Sacks? Because it seems like.

[Special Guest]

No, that's playing it. That's part of the movie.

[JPC]

That's part of the scene.

[Luke Null]

And if you watch any Lars von Trier, it always opens with Benny Hill.

[Aaron Keenan]

That's so funny.

[Luke Null]

I love the idea of the two kids next door panicking at the dining room table.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, man.

[Special Guest]

Oh, no.

[JPC]

Casey says MUBI is a streaming service, but they also produce the substance.

[Special Guest]

I like that Casey's still on mubi. I like that we've. We've gone off Mubi, but Casey's like, let me unpack Mubi for you.

[Luke Null]

In my defense, I typed that, but you guys started the scene, and I didn't want to interrupt.

[Special Guest]

No, I'm just playing.

[JPC]

That's very courteous.

[Special Guest]

The substance did rock. Did you guys see the Substance?

[Luke Null]

Oh, yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

I was too scared.

[JPC]

Too scared.

[Special Guest]

Yeah. My wife did not want to see it. She said, not for me.

[Luke Null]

Bonkers. Bonkers. I had to look away for maybe 20 minutes of movie because there's so much needle stuff in it.

[Special Guest]

There is a lot of needle stuff.

[Luke Null]

Stuff.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keenan]

The performance were really good.

[JPC]

I heard. I heard similar, but Body Horror is just not my. Not my cup of cup of movie.

[Special Guest]

The sound effects are like, like, Tim and Eric. The. The same person that did the sound effects for Tim and Eric. Like, at any time they're, like, eating shrimp or anything. It's all very, like, a cartoon, like, 10 out of 10 level.

[Luke Null]

Like, it's like Ren and Stimpy when they would, like, do an extreme close up and be like, I hated that.

[JPC]

I hated that.

[Luke Null]

Like, the boogers on the nostril hairs and stuff.

[Special Guest]

A gross up. They call that a gross.

[Luke Null]

Holy. That's a good.

[JPC]

Oh, Mr. Hollywood, I'm ready for my gross up.

[Special Guest]

I'm ready for my gross up. Lorn. And they go, you were fired years ago.

[JPC]

Well, Luke, it's that time of the episode where we have to fire one person, and we always fire the guest. But before we let you go, what do you have to plug? What do you have to promote? What do you got going on?

[Special Guest]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Depending on when this comes out, I am actually releasing a standup special that came out today, the day of recording, which means. But right now is that sweet spot of. Right now it's only available for the real ones. The people that want to. It's like 10 bucks or whatever who want to pay for it. It will be out on YouTube with 800 pound gorilla on the 25th of March.

[JPC]

Okay, that's like next week. Next week it comes out. For real. For real. But where can people go if they want to, like, buy it?

[Special Guest]

Oh, boy, oh boy. You could check me out on any of the social media apps that are putting a wormhole in your brain. I'm on there and I'm going to be hawking this special big time. It's also available on 800 pound gorillas website. But if you follow, I'm Luke Nalling all the different things and I'm gonna have the link in there. Oh, my goodness gracious. I got Wayne Brady improvising a tune with me at the end.

[Luke Null]

Damn, that's amazing.

[Aaron Keenan]

So sick.

[Special Guest]

It was so nice.

[Aaron Keenan]

You filmed this in la, right?

[Special Guest]

I filmed it in la. I have a Tupac hologram. I go all out. I go all out.

[JPC]

I really do.

[Special Guest]

I have a hologram of myself. Say again?

[JPC]

What venue did you film it at?

[Special Guest]

I filmed it at the venue Dynasty Typewriter, which I believe you guys have done a live show there.

[Luke Null]

It's our favorite.

[JPC]

We love it. It's the best.

[Special Guest]

Dynasty typewriter. 10 out of 10. Popcorn. Love the Dynapop.

[Aaron Keenan]

Oh, yeah. Best green room in the world, I.

[Special Guest]

Would say, honestly, best green room in the world perfectly.

[JPC]

Without spoiling too much of it. Do you think that we get you playing the guitar in this comedy special?

[Special Guest]

There is a non 0% chance that I play guitar almost pretty much the whole time.

[Aaron Keenan]

And Luke, you're on Spotify as well.

[Special Guest]

It'll be on Spotify as well. It's out there. It's early.

[JPC]

Speaking of out there, Aaron, you're fucking nuts. What are you asking about?

[Aaron Keenan]

That was awesome. I would say check out the haberdal riddle patreon. Patreon.com haverdoridle jpc. Your guided meditations are still on there. Those are very funny.

[JPC]

If you want, you can still purchase those too. Yeah.

[Special Guest]

J O I. Are you still doing joi.

[JPC]

Oh, jerk off incessantly? No, we were told to stop the police. Oh, oh, oh.

[Special Guest]

Will you explain Step by step how to do it. Because some people like.

[JPC]

What's funny is I didn't know what Joi stood for but instinctively I knew it had to be jerk off. Like it had to have that in it.

[Aaron Keenan]

You guys are friends. There's a Venn diagram of how the brains work for sure.

[JPC]

That's true.

[Special Guest]

We talk often.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah. Adol, do you have anything to plug?

[Luke Null]

Yes. Coming up. This I want to say it's going to be like the end of November leading into December. For the holidays I am releasing my Joi to the World jerk off instructions. These are going to be holiday themed jerk off instructions. No matter what you celebrate, whatever holiday you celebrate on December 25th. Exactly.

[Special Guest]

It will be we Stan an inclusive king.

[JPC]

Or men plumbing. Whatever you've got going on down there, Adol's gonna tell you how to get it off with some holiday cheer.

[Special Guest]

I have no idea how to do it. Around the holidays normal style. I do know how to do it.

[Luke Null]

So who knows?

[Aaron Keenan]

You use peppermint. I guess. I don't know.

[Luke Null]

JY to the world. JY to the world. Joy jerk off instructions. Also $10 for Luke Noel's new album. That is one. If you think about it, that is 1/15th of a ornament. So yes, unbelievably good price. Way more value by Luke Noel. A delightful human and a hilarious human as well. Jpc, do you have anything to plug or promote?

[JPC]

Oh yeah, one thing I would definitely like to plug or promote. Aaron and Adel and I, we just got back a week or so ago from the Joco Cruise. We had a wonderful time and we recorded a review crew for our $8 tier on our Patreon reviewing a specific thing that we all did together on the Joco Cruise. But if you are looking for our thoughts and feelings about that, head over to patreon.com havertle join the review crew for $8 a month and listen to that episode that will come out probably later this month. Yeah, later this month.

[Special Guest]

Joe Jack off cruise out.

[Aaron Keenan]

Yeah.

[Luke Null]

Aaron, I don't know. Do we need the ju.

[JPC]

Created by Adol Refai starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing and Artie Parent in the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there ragdolls and hummingbirds. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's a superhero audition. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] HeyRiddleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Aaron Keenan]

That was a hategam podcast.