#352: Greg

Summary

Episode #352: Greg - Hey Riddle Riddle

Release Date: April 16, 2025
Host/Authors: Adol Rifai (Adol), John Patrick Coan (JPC), and Aaron Keif (Aaron)
Podcast: Hey Riddle Riddle
Description:
Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan, three of Chicago's most engaging improvisers, tackle every riddle, puzzle, brain-teaser, and head-scratcher known to humanity. Despite the title, the podcast delves into a variety of conversations beyond just riddles, ensuring entertainment for all listeners.

---

1. Personal Adventures and Anecdotes

The episode begins with light-hearted banter as the hosts discuss their personal travels. Adol shares his recent trip to Hong Kong and Okinawa, highlighting his attempt to immerse himself in the local culture by taking a karate class.

• Adol: "I bought a seventh Lexus, and I drove a different one every week. [01:05]"

He recounts the challenges and humorous mishaps during his karate class in Okinawa, including interactions with seasoned black belts and fellow enthusiasts.

• Adol: "I got what they call a clear belt, which is when they want you to never practice again. [07:27]"

2. Auto Parts and Car Bows Banter

The conversation shifts to the quirks of car accessories, specifically focusing on the structural bows of Lexuses. The hosts humorously critique the practicality and aesthetics of such additions.

• Aaron: "See that douchebag who rides around town with the car bow on top of his car? What's his deal? [03:40]"

JPC shares a relatable story about encountering someone struggling to navigate a parking garage due to an oversized car bow, leading to a discussion on spatial awareness while driving.

3. Office Roleplay: Firing Greg

In a creative twist, the hosts engage in a roleplay scenario where they act as managers delivering the news that their colleague, Greg, must be fired due to his disruptive behavior.

• JPC: "Greg can't drink at office functions anymore... Greg, you're fired. [15:10]"

Adol and JPC depict a theatrical and exaggerated office environment, complete with threats of scissors and dramatic declarations, emphasizing the comedic intent behind the scene.

4. Listener Interaction: Riddles Submitted by Matthew McNeese Young

Aaron introduces listener-submitted riddles, crediting Matthew McNeese Young for his contributions. The hosts laugh about a moment when Matthew's wife inadvertently shared the podcast with her entire office.

• Aaron: "I will forever be Connor O'Nephew Old, which his name is Matthew McNeese Young. [12:21]"

This segment sets the stage for the hosts to delve into solving and discussing the riddles provided by Matthew.

5. Improv Riddle Games

The hosts engage in improvisational games to solve riddles, often leading to humorous and unexpected outcomes. They creatively weave celebrity names and rhyming words into complete sentences, enhancing the playful nature of the episode.

• Adol: "This actress who played Padme in Star Wars lays on a top of a four-door passenger car with the intent to expose her skin to ultraviolet light." [21:02]

Through these games, the hosts demonstrate their quick wit and improvisational skills, keeping the audience entertained.

6. Listener Voicemail: Rodolfo's D&D Class Preferences

A voicemail from listener Rodolfo introduces a discussion on Dungeons & Dragons classes, prompting the hosts to share their favorite and least favorite classes based on personal experiences.

• Rodolfo: "What your favorite and least favorite class or multi-class in D&D is." [62:36]

Adol expresses his preference for Rangers and Wizards, citing their versatility and the strategic depth they bring to the game.

• Adol: "I think my favorite probably is Wizard. I like the idea of looking through the spellbook and picking things for like, oh, this could be useful in this instance." [63:40]

JPC reminisces about his past D&D campaigns, mentioning his character Vodan Shavares, and discusses his fondness for classes that offer creative spellcasting options.

• JPC: "My favorite way to play is the illusionist... pick spells that don't deal damage because you can think of more fun ways to use them." [64:13]

Aaron shares his affinity for Bards, emphasizing their essential role in any party for versatility and support.

• Aaron: "I like bard best... I've never felt the pull to play a barbarian or like a fighter." [65:23]

7. Improv Scenes and Comedic Interactions

Throughout the episode, the hosts perform various improvisational scenes based on the riddles and interactions. These segments showcase their chemistry and ability to create engaging narratives on the spot.

• JPC: "We're gonna have to take your keys because you guys are talking like you're robots and you're clearly really drunk." [56:15]

They also delve into humorous storytelling, recounting personal mishaps and exaggerated scenarios that keep the conversation lively.

8. Closing Segments and Future Plans

As the episode nears its end, the hosts discuss potential live shows, encouraging listeners to participate by sending in wedding invitations for future live recordings in fans' living rooms.

• Aaron: "So send that in if you want us to do a live show in your living room. [66:08]"

They wrap up with a brief discussion on maintaining a good attitude and hints at future content, ensuring listeners are left anticipating upcoming episodes.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Adol: "I bought a seventh Lexus, and I drove a different one every week." [01:05]
• Aaron: "See that douchebag who rides around town with the car bow on top of his car? What's his deal?" [03:40]
• JPC: "Greg can't drink at office functions anymore... Greg, you're fired." [15:10]
• Aaron: "I will forever be Connor O'Nephew Old, which his name is Matthew McNeese Young." [12:21]
• Adol: "I guess that just means I'll see you tonight. Whispers in your ear. Can I pat your butt?" [10:34]
• JPC: "This party has been killer, man." [55:06]

---

Conclusion:

Episode #352: Greg of "Hey Riddle Riddle" offers a blend of personal stories, creative roleplays, listener interactions, and improvisational humor. The hosts' dynamic interplay and ability to seamlessly transition between segments keep the episode engaging from start to finish. Whether discussing trips, engaging in playful office dramas, or delving into the intricacies of D&D classes, Adol, JPC, and Aaron deliver an entertaining and memorable episode for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Aaron]

This is a Headgum podcast. Um, excuse me. I can't record today because I have a bad attitude. May I be excused?

[JPC]

No.

[Adol]

You work with it and you use it. Aaron.

[Aaron]

I don't want to harness my pain.

[JPC]

Channel it. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cattle of an airplane he stabbed him with. And ipc.

[Aaron]

Come look.

[Adol]

Oh, is it some sort of, like, fun new pet or what? What's going on?

[JPC]

I hope it's that thing where there's a big bow on Alexis. I hope I, like, look outside and it's like. Or inaccurate. It doesn't have to be Lexus. It could be an Acura.

[Adol]

Can I tell you, one Christmas, my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa and uncle all got me Lexi. Lex. What's the plural of Lexus? Lexuses.

[JPC]

Lexus. Lexuses. Lexiuses. Yeah.

[Adol]

So I go out to the freaking driveway. There's six new Lexuses bows on them. I'm like, I called them over here.

[Aaron]

Like, a full minute ago, and they stopped in the driveway and now they're just chatting with each other.

[Adol]

So I bought a seventh, and I drove a different one every week.

[JPC]

Oh, Alexis.

[Aaron]

For every day of the week. Are they just talking?

[Adol]

And it was a December to remember.

[JPC]

It must have been.

[Adol]

Well, for six days, and then it was January and I threw them all away.

[JPC]

Well, yeah, you could have drive last year's bottle. What?

[Adol]

Am I still talking over there? Pete Davidson.

[JPC]

What did we. What were we doing? Were we getting coffee?

[Adol]

Whoa. Am I in Aaron's house?

[Aaron]

You guys. Hello?

[Adol]

This is not my beautiful wife. This is not my beautiful home.

[JPC]

Is that a PDF thing?

[Adol]

What'd you say?

[JPC]

I know it's a Leonardo DiCaprio thing. I know that he does that. I should have said Leo, but I don't know. Is Pete Davidson known for that? I know that him and Ariana Grande had a tumultuous relationship.

[Adol]

Pete Davidson stated like that's not in the culture anymore. In the last two years. I don't think Leo's in the zeitgeist anymore. What's up, Byron?

[Aaron]

I wanted to show. Yeah, hey.

[JPC]

Where's my fucking Lexus?

[Aaron]

I never said.

[Adol]

What'd you want to show us?

[Aaron]

Truly, at this point, I'm going to use it for another opening because we're so far afield and I hope we've learned a valuable lesson today, but I'm actually not going to burn through a good concept for an opening I can use down the line.

[JPC]

Yeah, but that's smart. That's smart, Aaron. That's smart.

[Adol]

Good business smart.

[Aaron]

I'm locking your Lexus and you can never get in. Good luck getting in the Lexus with.

[Adol]

The bow on it, Aaron. Is this something? So it's picture. It's Christmas time.

[Aaron]

Okay. It's a December to remember a car commercial.

[Adol]

It's a bunch of Lexi Lexuses and they're all being fobbed.

[Aaron]

And hey, Lexus, you can have that. Not for free. We insist on being paid. Paid me for it, actually. Thank you.

[Adol]

Aaron deserves it.

[Aaron]

Jpc the Lexus. I did get you. The bow is actually structurally a part of what you. The car. Like it can't be removed.

[JPC]

Yeah, no, I wouldn't want to remove it anyway. I'm going, the engine's up there, drive throughs and shit. And smacking my bow on the. I'm like, ah. It says 10ft, but how big is the bow?

[Aaron]

See that douchebag who rides around town with the car bow on top of his car? What's his deal?

[JPC]

Have you guys ever seen someone do that thing where they hit the top of their car on a thing where they're not like they, they just, for whatever reason, they're like, yeah, I assume that my car is big enough. I've had that happen once with a person. And they were just. I don't even think it was like an especially big car. It was like a, it was a big suv. Like a huge, A huge car. Like it was a huge car, but it didn't seem especially tall. But they were going into a parking garage ahead of me and you know, before you go into the parking garage, it has that thing that's like, hey. Like it'll say the height and if you hit it, obviously you're not going to fit in the parking garage. They hit that thing and hit the brakes real fast and then they were like trying to back out. It was a whole production and I was like, did you not know? Like, it seems like this is not like a rental. This seems like a car that you were like driving.

[Aaron]

I guess I don't know the height of my car off the top of my head. But you should, if you're, if you're driving, you should be able to eyeball if your car should fit. I think we should all be having the spatial awareness. If you're driving on a road, maybe you should instinctively know if your car is going to fit somewhere.

[Adol]

It's like when they say if you high five someone, if you look at their hand, you might miss. But if you look at their elbow, you'll never miss.

[Aaron]

And if you look at your face, you can hit them right in their face.

[JPC]

You get here, right, and say, I was trying to high five you.

[Aaron]

I've seen that happen the most jpc with people in like U Hauls. U Hauls moving trucks because they're not used. It's a bunch of panic people moving. They're not used to cars that big.

[JPC]

And also it's like if you're like, oh no, this bridge I can't get under. You're like, well, what do I do? Do I. How do I cross America if I can't go on the street? I know Google doesn't have an option under the directions for like, I'm driving something way too tall.

[Aaron]

That silence means riddles, doesn't it?

[Adol]

Yeah.

[JPC]

For you.

[Aaron]

Well, Adil, how was your trip?

[Adol]

It was great. Ended up in Hong Kong for a night, which was wild, unexpected. And then I was in Okinawa.

[Aaron]

And you'd never been there before, right?

[Adol]

Never been to Hong Kong. We had to. Since we fly standby, we had to take a flight that instead of going direct to Tokyo, it went to Hong Kong. So I was in Hong Kong, then Tokyo, then Okinawa, then back to Tokyo. Aaron. Okinawa, beautiful.

[Aaron]

I'm so jealous. What was your favorite part?

[Adol]

Probably the Okinawa. Yeah, just like the. The terrain and the shape and the people.

[JPC]

Because it's local there.

[Adol]

Yeah. Because when you're in Okinawa, let's say this, you're in Okinawa. It's kind of a saying. The translation is lost, I guess.

[JPC]

I got Okinawa once, but I was in like San Francisco, so it just like was not. It just like wasn't fresh, you know?

[Adol]

Hits different when you're in Okinawa.

[JPC]

Oh yeah, for sure, for sure.

[Adol]

Took a karate class.

[Aaron]

How'd that go?

[JPC]

Did you really?

[Adol]

I did. So Okinawa is the birthplace of karate, is what they say. I don't know if that's true, but that's what Okinawa says. So we found on this website, we found a class and it said, like, all experiences welcome. A karate class in Okinawa. Like authentic karate class. We go there, we're the only tourists, we're the only people dropping in who have never done karate before. This is a full on class. So there's all these like black belts and they're doing all this stuff.

[Aaron]

Are they children?

[Adol]

There was some children and they're like just going nuts. And then there's like all these black belts and stuff. And then they kind of see us and they're like, come over here and they're like, Grab my arm and then they, like, shove me down and they're like, see that? And I'm like, I guess so. That part kind of sucked. But Gemma had a lot of fun because she always wanted to do karate.

[Aaron]

And Adol. Tell us, did you end up as a black belt by the end of the class?

[Adol]

No, I got what they call a clear belt, which is when they want you to never practice again. They say, please don't ever come back. Please don't ever, please never move your fist or feet again.

[JPC]

I think a clear belt is a colostomy bag. I think you were injured so much they had to take some of your intestines out. That's cool. It's also fun to show up to a thing when you're traveling abroad where you're obviously, you're the only tourist there and you're like, well, I'm both getting an authentic experience and I couldn't be more out of place in a thing.

[Adol]

Yeah, it was a little rough, but very fun. Very fun.

[Aaron]

Well, I'm glad that you're home, Adol.

[Adol]

Thank you.

[Aaron]

Gpc. Any trips that you took that could help stall.

[JPC]

The fuck are you doing, Aaron?

[Aaron]

What do you mean? What do you mean?

[JPC]

You're in charge of doing riddles. You're same old Aaron.

[Adol]

Did you recently go to Riddleville?

[Aaron]

I did.

[Adol]

And did you bring us back anything?

[Aaron]

I did. It's not riddles, though. Oh, we're bullshit.

[JPC]

What did you do? You went to Rennellville. You didn't get any riddles. What did you do?

[Aaron]

I was eat, Pray, loving.

[Adol]

Wow. Live, laugh, bean. That's what live laughs.

[JPC]

We drove by a oil change place the other day and their sign said Live laugh Lube. And Mariah and I have been saying, live, laugh, lube to each other for a while now. It's just such a fun.

[Adol]

It's sexual real fast.

[JPC]

Yeah, it's a fun thing to have on an oil. I just don't think that would exist on, like an oil change place anywhere, but, like a big city like Chicago. Like, I can see a lot of other. Like, I can see if you're doing that, like in my hometown, people like calling the place and being like, you have to take that sign down. Children see that sign.

[Adol]

I have to explain lube to my 12 year old.

[JPC]

And it's like, hey, lady, the name of the place is Jiffy Lube. Like, Lube is already there and they're.

[Aaron]

Getting away with murder over there.

[JPC]

Jiffy Lube.

[Aaron]

I know. They're snickering every time they Pull into the parking lot. They go, we did. We did it.

[JPC]

I go into the Jiffy Lube and I go, hey, do you have. Do you have adult magazines? They're like.

[Aaron]

They go, break. This way, sir.

[JPC]

It's like a muffler shop. Of course we have Bordeaux here.

[Adol]

Jiffy Lube, Midas Touch.

[JPC]

Autozone. Erogenous zone.

[Adol]

I mean, it's all.

[Aaron]

Do more, do more.

[Adol]

It's porn all the way down.

[JPC]

Oh, what are more of the auto parts stores?

[Adol]

Meineke.

[JPC]

Meineke.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

Yeah, that sounds dirty.

[Adol]

Way over in the Meinekey. What else, what else, what else? What are some other will change?

[JPC]

Auto parts store.

[Adol]

Autoerotic auto parts.

[Aaron]

That's something.

[JPC]

You know what?

[Adol]

Let's do riddles.

[JPC]

We probably did it. Nah, we exhausted it.

[Aaron]

There's riddles at the end of this rainbow.

[Adol]

Okay, that's Aaron Tis I, the mayor of Riddleville. You forgot your book of riddles that we gifted you.

[Aaron]

And I also forgot my coat at your place.

[Adol]

Oh, well, I guess that just means I'll see you tonight. Whispers in your ear. Can I pat your butt?

[Aaron]

Yeah, of course.

[JPC]

Pat your butt. O. O'Reilly Gasm. O. O. Riley O'Reilly.

[Aaron]

Mr. Good. One of my friends are not listening. On your way, Mr. Mayor. See you later tonight.

[Adol]

All right.

[Aaron]

All right. So we're actually.

[JPC]

Sorry.

[Aaron]

He's back in the driveway mumbling about car stuff. Auto parts. See, that's what I said. Auto parts. Earlier.

[JPC]

You could change Pep Boys to Penis Boys if you took just the pe. It's a stretch.

[Adol]

Penis, Penis, Clip it. Penis Every penis. That's what PEP stands for. Clip it, what else, what else?

[JPC]

Penis, Every penis.

[Aaron]

All right, well, today, or actually for our warmup riddles, we are double dipping from a listener who has submitted riddles before. In fact. In fact, this is what he said. I was really excited to hear you read my riddles. So excited, in fact, that I paused the episode, called my wife, who proceeded to put the podcast on for her entire office. And then when you made fun of my name, it crushed all caps and bold, and you instantly nabbed a few extra listeners. I will forever be Connor O'Nephew Old, which his name is Matthew McNeese Young. And I don't remember making fun of his name and calling him Connor o'nephew Old, but we did.

[JPC]

I think I do remember this because it's like it's hyphenated, right? It's like there's like a dash. Yeah. And it. To me, I was like, it's funny to put an adjective to describe Yourself at the end of your last name. Like if my name was John Patrick Cohen. Cool. Yes.

[Aaron]

And I wanted to read this again because I sort of got excited at the idea that this episode right now that we're recording here right now, could be playing in an office somewhere in front of a big group of people.

[JPC]

What a wild situation. To play our podcast.

[Aaron]

I know. What if you. Everyone just took a second, took the floor. You have a whole office's attention right now.

[Adol]

Wow. Okay.

[Aaron]

Matthew McNeese Young. His wife.

[Adol]

Do we know where he works or, sorry, where his wife works.

[Aaron]

We don't. Let's just assume it sounds like an office. Let's just assume it's a typical.

[JPC]

Well, it's a wife. I'm gonna assume it's the home.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. Whoa. These jokes were funny in, like, Biden times. They're getting less funny now, actually, I.

[JPC]

Can say that because I am the home spouse, and so I have home spouse privilege. And actually, domestic labor is labor. Aaron. How dare you? How dare you think wives don't work?

[Aaron]

Yes.

[Adol]

I guess I'll take the floor first.

[Aaron]

Yes. Adol, please take the floor.

[Adol]

I'm a little nervous. Picture them all naked.

[JPC]

Hey, that's my wife.

[Adol]

Sorry, sorry. Okay. Hey, hey. How about that weather? Let's circle back. Today you're all rock stars.

[Aaron]

They love stuff like that.

[JPC]

Quarter.

[Adol]

It's about to be quarter 2, so we're in quarter 2. So I hope that we all, you know, kind of go for the gusto, to coin a phrase, to turn a. Turn a pancake. I love you all. More. Produce more. We have to produce more.

[Aaron]

Woo. All right. Awesome. Adol, incredible speech. I have heard you give it before.

[Adol]

Yeah, that's my. My standard office speech. It's on note cards.

[Aaron]

Jpc, you have the floor.

[JPC]

Not that what Adel did was not super clear to me, but what are we doing?

[Aaron]

You are addressing an entire office right now.

[JPC]

That's right.

[Adol]

Darren, do you mind if JPC dresses down an entire office?

[Aaron]

Whatever he feels is best.

[JPC]

Okay. And a whole office full of people. All right. Greg can't drink at office functions anymore. I think we could all agree what Greg does when he drinks is not good for morale. Not good for Greg, not good for company culture, not good for, just, in general, our image in the world.

[Adol]

So there's a Greg right now losing his mind.

[JPC]

Blanket statement. Greg no longer is allowed to drink, and that's anything. Greg can't even have fucking water. Because when Greg drinks, he makes, first of all, a huge mess. There's A lot of computers here. I think you can all agree water and computers don't mix. You know what, Greg? You're fired. I came into this thinking I wasn't gonna need to do that. But no, Greg, this is your last day. This is your last hour. Greg, this is your last minute. You know what? Lock the doors. Greg can't leave. We're all killing Greg. We're gonna do it Julius Caesar style. Everybody grab some scissors. And we're all gonna get Greg once with the scissors. Cause he's. I mean, it just can't. We just can't have more Greg's in the world. We just can't have this shit because look at what he does. And look at. Look at where we are now. And now. And now we all do it together. We're bound to secrecy. You know, if one of us goes down, we all go down. We all kill Greg.

[Adol]

Hey, Aaron.

[JPC]

Three, two, one.

[Adol]

Get him right now. Greg is losing his blood.

[JPC]

Life.

[Aaron]

Jpz, just in case there's no Greg at this office, can you run through a bunch of names we can plug in just in case there's no Greg there?

[JPC]

Okay, yeah. I mean, we won't need to, but. Cause there's always a Greg. And if you don't know who the Greg is at your office, you're the gray motherfucker. Yeah, but we'll do it. Greg. Grug. Grog. Grieg.

[Adol]

I think they can start with other letters.

[JPC]

No, I think that's all the iterations that it could be. Oh, perfect for the different cultures.

[Adol]

Aaron, as someone who has a PhD in JPC, I think what JPC's brain did was think of an office. Thought of the office, thought of the creator, Greg Daniels, and launched into using Greg and adol.

[Aaron]

I'm going to need you to take your doctorate off the wall and burn it. That thing has a dark, dark energy to it. Burn it in the dead of night, bury the ashes. Okay.

[Adol]

My PhD in GPC is actually made from human skin.

[Aaron]

Yeah, and I figured Necronomicon. My PhD.

[JPC]

And JPC is made for human skin.

[Aaron]

All right, I'm going to just quick address the office before I read these riddles. On the count of three, everybody point to who you're sleeping to. Or sleeping to.

[JPC]

That's who you. Hold on.

[Aaron]

Point to who you're sleeping with.

[JPC]

No, sleeping to is who you aspire to sleep with.

[Aaron]

We got him, everybody. We got him. Sleeping with.

[Adol]

Two per stab. Stab. Stab.

[Aaron]

Stab. Stab.

[JPC]

Stab.

[Aaron]

Stab.

[JPC]

I'm sleeping with Stephanie, but I'm sleeping too. Molly. Like, that's Stephanie. No offense, Stephanie. You're a stepping stone. We all know I'm trying to make Molly crazy jealous.

[Aaron]

Well, Stephanie's a six and Molly's a seven.

[JPC]

Of course, we all know how the numbers work, gang. You gotta go up.

[Adol]

Now there's a Stephanie losing her mind.

[Aaron]

And these are celebrity mouthfuls. Hilarious.

[JPC]

Stephanie covered in Greg's blood. Like, huh?

[Aaron]

Oh, I can't believe we made a whole office stab one of their office mates. We're so sorry. If you need a reminder, each setup will be a celebrity's name, followed by two things that rhyme with it, and it will work into a complete sentence. And once we are in these, you're gonna remember how they go. Okay, this actor from Severance brings his own Chinese meal consisting of boiling broth and raw meats meant for dipping.

[JPC]

Zach Cherry wonton.

[Aaron]

No.

[Adol]

He sounded like Wyclef Jean in the fugees.

[JPC]

Won ton wonton.

[Adol]

Strumming my pain with my fingers. Adam Scott, hot pot.

[Aaron]

Yeah, Adam Scott brought his own hot pot.

[Adol]

Oh, we have to have that interstitial language, too?

[Aaron]

Yeah, if you could. I'm not gonna. I'm. You know what? Adol. It's a Monday, probably. I'm not gonna come down on you hard here.

[Adol]

Aaron, that reminds me very quickly, do we have time for a new impression I created while in Okinawa?

[Aaron]

Oh, please.

[Adol]

This is a combination.

[JPC]

Okay, no. Aaron, you sure you want to hear this?

[Adol]

This is a combination. This is a combination. Something you said you stuck my memory. This is a combination of March, Simpson, and Garfield. I love Homer, but I hate Mondays.

[JPC]

Very nice.

[Aaron]

Adam, I'm going to need you to take that impression off the wall.

[Adol]

It's Marchfield.

[Aaron]

Burn it.

[Adol]

Garfmarge. Garfmarge. It's Garfmarch.

[Aaron]

Ugh. It sounds like you're throwing up.

[Adol]

Oh, wait, not Darth March.

[JPC]

Lasagna.

[Adol]

Darth Marge as lasagna.

[Aaron]

American actors. Guys, I can't stress to you enough. This is nothing.

[Adol]

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

[Aaron]

I thought it was good.

[JPC]

Well, no, Darth Marge is nothing for sure, but Garth Marge I think is good.

[Aaron]

Garth Marge is great.

[Adol]

Yeah, I sent Normal to Timbuktu.

[Aaron]

American culture is melting. That's what that sounds like. This American actress who played both Catwoman and Bond girl is clipping the foliage around a bush in order to make it appear like an animal outside of a building that houses books.

[Adol]

Halle Berry's library.

[JPC]

Topiary.

[Adol]

Topiary.

[JPC]

Halle Berry's library topiary.

[Aaron]

But if she's the one doing it, let's Try to put it into. Just put it into a sentence.

[JPC]

Halle Berry is shearing.

[Adol]

No, Ed Shearing.

[JPC]

Library. Topiary.

[Aaron]

Halle Berry shapes a topiary outside of a library.

[Adol]

Aaron. I was told this would be a celebrity. Followed by two rhyming words.

[Aaron]

Yes, but then you gotta put it inside the sentence.

[JPC]

Okay, okay, okay. So we.

[Aaron]

If you can just try.

[Adol]

Yes, I do.

[JPC]

Okay. I was confused. Cause I thought when we put it in a sentence, we were looking for like four more rhyming words, but it's only ever gonna be two rhyming words.

[Aaron]

And we can invent Sally Berry. Topiary. Library.

[Adol]

Aaron.

[JPC]

Got it.

[Adol]

You've never. In all the episodes, hundreds of episodes. You've never asked me to try, and I never have. I will honor this one wish.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. I had to ask you guys to try. Oh, my God.

[Adol]

Wait, what have you been doing?

[Aaron]

This is all starting to make sense.

[Adol]

What have you been doing? Wait, Errol, what have you been doing?

[Aaron]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm so sorry, everybody. This actress who played Padme.

[JPC]

Yeah, you have to say actress. She's an actor.

[Aaron]

You know, Padme Amidala in Star wars lays on a top of. Lays on top of a four door passenger car with the intent to expose her skin to ultraviolet light.

[Adol]

Natalie Portman's Ford Pinto Escortin. Natalie Portman's Ford Escorton.

[JPC]

JPC saved me. No way. Well, you know, there's actually two exorcists that played Padme because Kieran played Padme's clone. So isn't that something?

[Adol]

Oh, Kieran Mae.

[Aaron]

I remember that.

[JPC]

No, isn't that something?

[Aaron]

So it could be utter clone. It was like her stand in, right?

[Adol]

Her like.

[JPC]

Yeah, clone word. Especially for a movie that famously had a ton of clones in it.

[Aaron]

Yeah, yeah.

[Adol]

If I was Keira Knightley and I was like her assassination double and like Natalie Portman is disguised as, like, my footmate or whatever. I just publicly am like, kill this footmaid. They kill Natalie Portman. And then I'm like, well, now I'm queen.

[JPC]

Yeah, but once I take the makeup off, they're gonna realize it's a different guy, right?

[Adol]

No, because I've been the double the whole time.

[JPC]

Cause you've been the double the whole time. Actually, that's a pretty smart play.

[Adol]

Scarf is Garf. Marge logic. So don't. Don't think about it too hard.

[JPC]

I think Saddam Hussein's double did that, but then they killed the double. So it's like, is that a good outcome?

[Aaron]

With the extent to expose her skin to ultraviolet Light. When are you doing that?

[JPC]

Oh, the Hulk.

[Adol]

No, Ultraviolet light.

[JPC]

Gamma radiation.

[Adol]

Oh, in a red room. Like a photo?

[Aaron]

No, it's like a suntan. Yeah, there you go.

[Adol]

Portman. Natalie.

[JPC]

Natalie Portman.

[Adol]

Tanning. Tanning.

[Aaron]

This one's kind of tanning.

[Adol]

Bedman.

[JPC]

Tanning.

[Aaron]

Suntan.

[Adol]

Suntan.

[Aaron]

Portman and suntan. And then four door passenger car.

[Adol]

Sedan.

[JPC]

Yeah, I do want to see a quick scene. I'm not sure we're in the middle of something. Adol said something that made me just.

[Aaron]

You don't have to explain why.

[JPC]

Good. Adol, you're going to be playing Channing Tatum, you are at a. And Aaron, you're going to be working at a bank. And Adel, you're going to forget that your name is Channing Tatum. And you're really going to be trying to search for it and hit what your name is when Aaron's like, checking you in here to make a deposit or withdrawal or whatever.

[Aaron]

Hi, welcome to Chase Bank. How can I help you today?

[Adol]

Wow, you're pretty.

[Aaron]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, thank you.

[Adol]

Oh, sorry, I'm looking in the reflection of the sort of plastic sort of guard here.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God, I did it again.

[Adol]

Sorry, I'm just. I'm a very. I'm a very pretty man. Nice to meet you. My name is Chuding Tudum. That can be right.

[Aaron]

Sorry, sorry, I'm feeling. It's just a little muffled through the glass.

[Adol]

Chudding, Chudding. Tateman. Chatting Taintman.

[Aaron]

Sorry, sir, I'm having a little bit of a hard time. You just need to lean a little bit closer to the glass and I'll be able to hear you and type your name in. Or you could give me. If you want to hand me your card.

[Adol]

Cuddles. Cuddling. No, that can't be right. Everybody on the floor. The dance floor, the dance floor. Magic. Sir, you pick a card, any card.

[Aaron]

I don't care if you're a celebrity. You cannot be yelling everybody on the floor inside of a bank.

[Adol]

I'm sorry.

[Aaron]

I mean, I. I know. I. I think I might recognize you.

[JPC]

Oh, hey, is that who I think it is? Hey, it's me, Joe. Joe Mangley. Joe Mangley. Jello. That can't be right.

[Adol]

Jenna Hill. Oh, no, the tall one.

[JPC]

No, for Magic Mike, I'm God. What is that?

[Adol]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. John, you were married to Sargia Sarvarva.

[JPC]

Don't say we're married, because obviously I've not any.

[Adol]

I got divorced. Oh, I feel like I have that.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. Fellas, is this a movie reunion or what? It's me, Mood Boomi, from White White Suits. That's not right. The white suits on tnt.

[Adol]

No churning. Churning. Tillman.

[JPC]

Oh, oh, oh. I know who you are. You are. Oh, my God.

[Adol]

Oh, I got it. You know what? I got it. Stalker Channing. I'm Stalker Channing. I was Rizzo in Greece.

[JPC]

You know what? I'm Joe Montana. What do you want? I am a football player. I am not. I am not.

[Aaron]

What do you guys want me to type into the computer?

[Adol]

Money.

[JPC]

Money, please.

[Aaron]

Money, please.

[Adol]

The perfect scene. Aaron, the perfect scene happened on your watch.

[Aaron]

Oh, God. Wait. Is the thing. Are the things that happen on your watch.

[Adol]

Look at me.

[Aaron]

That's fucked up.

[Adol]

Sandra Doe.

[JPC]

Just adult. Saying his name at first is going. That can't be right.

[Adol]

As a kid, I thought her name was Stockyard Channing.

[Aaron]

That makes sense, is it not?

[Adol]

My mom had to step in and correct me.

[Aaron]

Thank you.

[JPC]

Mom is Stockard. That's her legal name. Legal birth name. Stockard. I've never. There's no other Stockards, right?

[Adol]

I don't think anybody changes their name to Stockard. I don't think.

[JPC]

Well, could it be like a Martin Sheen thing where there's like. It's like a stage name, but he wanted to pick something that was unique. Martin Sheen. Probably not the right example, because that doesn't seem super unique.

[Adol]

He's Martin Estevev.

[JPC]

No, he's like. His name's like Alonzo Estevez or something like that. I don't even think maybe Martin is one of his middle names or something like that. You know? It doesn't matter. We can't Google it. Can't Google it. We'll never know if Stockard was her real name. Maybe Stockard's short for something.

[Adol]

Any relation to Carol Eren, do you know?

[Aaron]

No, I doubt it. Carol Channing.

[JPC]

Oh, I think Carol.

[Aaron]

I love Carol Channing. Avi is the earth. Moo. That's Carole King.

[JPC]

Aaron. What did you say? That the guy from White Suits, which is so funny. What did you say his name was? That guy's name? I truly don't know.

[Aaron]

Matt Bomer is his name.

[Adol]

Oh, he's like a Broadway.

[Aaron]

He's like. I'll say it. He's proper handsome.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[JPC]

He reminds me of, oh, the guy who played Superman.

[Adol]

Henry Cavill.

[JPC]

Henry Cavill. Is Matt Bomer American? Because he could just be like, American. Henry Cavill. Yeah.

[Aaron]

Yeah. He's also gay, Aaron.

[Adol]

He sounds so sad.

[JPC]

He's like Bizarro Henry Cavill, can you call gay people Bizarro? Huh, huh, huh.

[Aaron]

Again, you could under Biden. And now it feels, no, you definitely can't under Trump.

[JPC]

That's definitely something that people are proud of, being able to.

[Adol]

Superman is gay.

[Aaron]

Okay, I know everything is so scary right now, and things are very rarely funny, and especially with Trump, it's just not funny because it's so scary and dangerous. But yesterday I wanted to wind down for the night by watching, like, a nature thing on Netflix. And I watch, like, our world's oceans, and the narrator of that is Barack Obama. And I was sitting and I was watching him talking about whales, and then I started, like, dying laughing, because I went, can you fathom Trump ever doing something like this? Agreeing to narrate a nature documentary about, like, whales in the Pacific Ocean? He would get so sidetracked so fast. Oh, dying laughing.

[Adol]

They call them kill her whales. Beautiful whales.

[JPC]

Never seen them kill, but I've heard that they can.

[Adol]

They call them.

[JPC]

They can be very killer.

[Aaron]

They call them orkums.

[Adol]

They call them orkums.

[JPC]

He's got a seal. Seals are very nasty. It's okay to kill them. They're very nasty creatures.

[Adol]

A lot of the whales, they're dying from the windmills. The windmills are killing the whales.

[JPC]

Actually, Aaron. Yes, yes. I can c. Jump, too. Doing this. I could see, honestly, like, Trump leaves office in three years, and he gets the exact same Netflix deal that Obama got. Because Netflix cares about one thing. They're like, hey, you know what? We have a. We just have. I can see Joe Biden doing it too, where he's just like, here's a whale. Oh, no, we don't see. Where'd it go? Okay, I'm just looking at the water. I was looking at the water.

[Aaron]

I'm crying again.

[Adol]

Okay, hold on, hold on. I gotta.

[Aaron]

I'm so fucking cooked.

[Adol]

What's another? And what if. And what if Teddy Roosevelt and I think it would go a little something.

[JPC]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Adol]

Bully bully free Willy Free bully free.

[JPC]

Four whales and score of orca. No one knows what Lincoln sounded like. Daniel Day Lewis was like, what if.

[Aaron]

He sounds like this?

[JPC]

And we were like, I guess we have to.

[Adol]

We have to go.

[JPC]

We don't have any recordings.

[Adol]

He's the actor. We're kind of fucked.

[Aaron]

What a huge swing he made. I bet Abraham Lincoln talked like.

[JPC]

But it's Abraham Lincoln and I only talk in song. This might be your last movie, Daniel.

[Adol]

And he's like, I'm trying to get fired. I'm in hell every Time I take a role, I'm in hell.

[Aaron]

This is James K. Polk, probably. I hit my body.

[Adol]

And Aaron, there's three rules about James K. Polk. Don't feed him after midnight. Don't get him wet. Keep him out of the sunlight.

[Aaron]

These whales are swimming in the ocean.

[JPC]

People thought what they did with Hamilton was like, oh, actually, we're like, race. Like, flipping it. But, like, that's what George Washington talked like. Yeah, George Washington was, like, super inappropriate. Like, hey, George, I actually don't think you can do that. And, no, that's just. That's his voice.

[Aaron]

He was always like, we are outgunned out, man. I couldn't think of another thing Washington said. Can that be real a second for just a millisecond?

[Adol]

I know. This is how George Washington. I know. I know.

[Aaron]

I was a bit at this guy.

[JPC]

I know. I think that Hamilton. I don't think Hamilton. It had, like, a couple of years where I think it was, like, fine. But then I think the longer it went on, the more it's, like, politics aged pretty poorly. I think Moana is Lin Manuel Miranda's masterpiece. I think that that movie. And have I been watching a bunch of Moana? Who fucking knows? Who even knows that we could say this? I think that that one is gonna go down as, like. Cause I think the best part about Moana is he only did, like, one little song. He did the music or whatever, but he only put himself in it a little bit away. Yeah, he.

[Adol]

On the soundtrack. He does. There's another version of the you're welcome so. And he does the rap in that version, I think. Yeah.

[Aaron]

I'm obsessed with Moana. I love Moana.

[JPC]

Have you seen Moana too, Aaron?

[Aaron]

I have.

[JPC]

I have not seen it because I don't want to spoil the magic of Moana for myself. I'm a little upset that there needs to be Lion King 2, Moana 2, Little Mermaid 2, live action.

[Adol]

Moana, live action.

[Aaron]

It seemed like Moana 2 is supposed to be a TV show. And when I watched it, I tried to go in with the compassion that the writers, they wanted to make it like, sort of an ensemble y deep bench TV show. And then I think they reworked it into a movie. And I was like, oh, I can see what you're doing. And I can see how this would have been a good eight episode, whatever, Disney thing. So I don't think it's the people who made its fault. I think the studio sort of reworked something into a movie that wasn't supposed to be a movie.

[JPC]

I just always assume when something goes really poorly. Not that it went poorly. I have no idea how Moana2 did, but I always assume when something goes really poorly that it's not like, like one guy's fault. Like, I'm like, this seems like this seems like a bunch of emails happened and like it just came out like absolute dog shit. Yeah.

[Adol]

Lack of art by committee.

[JPC]

Uh huh. Uh huh.

[Aaron]

Well, we're gonna do one more of these and then we're gonna take a break, if that's okay with everybody.

[JPC]

Hey, sounds good to me.

[Aaron]

This actor who played the Grinch is watching a tiny mythical creature with wings. That's especially Horstute.

[Adol]

Jim Carrey watching a Harry fairy.

[JPC]

Jim Carrey watching a Harry fairy.

[Aaron]

You guys got it.

[JPC]

Can we do a quick scene? And this scene is gonna transition directly into break.

[Aaron]

Great. Before we do this scene, I just wanna thank Connor. Oh, nephew old. Again, thank you for your time.

[JPC]

Thank you. Connor O'Nern, nephew old.

[Adol]

Thank you everyone at the office.

[JPC]

This is just gonna be a quick solo scene. Adol, you're gonna be playing Harry Fairy. You gotta stop doing impressions while people are doing things or else you're just gonna get called out and it's gonna go right into break. Adol, you're gonna be Harry Fairy and you're calling a baseball game.

[Adol]

Top of the ninth, two out, two strikes, two balls.

[JPC]

And it.

[Adol]

Hey, if you believe in this game, clap. I would ever want to clap, clap. If you believe in the game.

[JPC]

Wow.

[Adol]

What a great game. Christopher Walken.

[Aaron]

Mel, take it to Christopher Walken.

[JPC]

Break, break. Break. Break.

[Adol]

I don't know, homie.

[JPC]

O.

[Aaron]

Ah, this is a good day. This is a good day.

[Adol]

Aaron, you seem in a good mood.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[JPC]

Yeah. Spring has sprung.

[Aaron]

Spring has sprung. And I get to talk about rocket money. It's my favorite app on my phone. It's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I've had this app for many a year and it has helped me so much organize my finances. It is the best.

[Adol]

Aaron, that's great because previously when you're trying to grow your money, you, like, planted dollar bills and, like, in the ground, poured water on them. And we were kind of. It was kind of funny at first, and then I got really sad.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Because a bunch of $20 bills are soaking wet and in the ground.

[JPC]

It's crazy because, Aaron, I've known you for so long. I knew you when your savings consisted of a little piece of string, a thimble, and a button. And now it's almost double that.

[Aaron]

It's called investment, sweetie. Look it up.

[JPC]

See all of your subscriptions in one place to know exactly where your money is going for the ones you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts.

[Adol]

And did you know that Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Oh, boy.

[JPC]

Features, features, features.

[Aaron]

It is truly like having a second brain. It color codes things for you nice and. Okay. Okay.

[JPC]

I mean, come on. Cheap job.

[Aaron]

I know, I know, I know. But I love it. I've had it for forever, and it helps so much if, like, I accidentally got charged for something or I overspent on something, it will send me alerts and makes me give. It gives me so much peace of mind knowing that I have Rocket Money.

[JPC]

Hey. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com Riddle today. That's RocketMoney.com Riddle R I--L e RocketMoney.com.

[Adol]

Riddle Aaron, what are you pouring water on right now? What's that?

[Aaron]

My string.

[Adol]

Aaron.

[Aaron]

What?

[JPC]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

[Adol]

Aaron. Jpc I have a problem. I woke up this morning and I pronounce square as squar. Or wait, I just said square. Nevermind.

[Aaron]

Oh, you're cured. Thank goodness. Because I really want to talk about Squarespace.

[Adol]

Squashmas.

[Aaron]

Squaspas.

[JPC]

Well, someone has to say it, right? And. Okay, I'll say it. Squashmas. No. Oof. Can't be me.

[Adol]

Squaspass or Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business. Squawspice or Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Aaron, can you believe that?

[Aaron]

I can't. Squarespace. No Square. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

[JPC]

You know what the problem is? It's kind of like the ring. Like once ADL said it, it's like now it's like with us. And the other thing is they're spelled the same. Yeah, so it's like squasmats and Squarespace are spelled the same. But only Squarespace has SEO tools to get discovered fast. With integrated Squarespace SEO tools, every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers.

[Aaron]

And squashbox Squarespace, Squash space, squash size. You can make smarter business decisions with Squash Bus. Squash Bus. Squarespace is intuitive built in analytics tools. Keep that in review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales. All from one place.

[Adol]

So check out squarespace.com, oh I did it.

[Aaron]

Oh yay.

[Adol]

Check out squarespace.com riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using Code Riddle or Ridle.

[Aaron]

Ridle Riddle Riddle.

[Adol]

Aaron, you have something different than what we have.

[JPC]

Rubble squarespace.com Riddle Helix Sleep Helix Sleep.

[Aaron]

Helix Sleep I am sleeping in a bed. Midnight locks Helix Sleep I must sleep now.

[Adol]

Aaron. Sorry. Typically that song would make me very tired. But here's the thing. I had the best night's sleep of my life, which I have every night because I have a Helix Sleep mattress. Have you heard of this? You seen this? You heard of this?

[Aaron]

Yeah, I was just dreaming about it. I was just dreaming about my Helix Sleep because it's the best mattress in the world. I have a midnight luxe. It's the best night's sleep I've ever had. When people sleep in my bed when they're watching Lou, they always text me and say, what kind of mattress do you have? Cause that's the best night's sleep I've ever had.

[JPC]

Yeah, I slept on a piece of cardboard last night because, and I'm not ashamed to admit this, the middler got me. He absolutely got me gpc. You know what?

[Aaron]

It's so rare he understood you.

[JPC]

No, I mean, he tricked me. I gotta give him his wins when he can get em. The middler tricked me into sleeping on a big piece of cardboard. Normally I love sleeping on my Helix Sleep mattress. It's very comfortable.

[Adol]

But can I ask what the trick was?

[JPC]

Yeah, you definitely know the difference when the middler gets you because you don't get the same level of sleep.

[Aaron]

Okay, all right. Well, I mean, if you want to just take the sleep quiz and get paired with a perfect mattress for you, it takes like no time at all. So you can probably like, you can get back up on your feet.

[JPC]

Yeah. I'm fully planning to not get tricked by the middler into sleeping on a piece of cardboard again tonight. I think I'm just going to go back to my old mattress, my helix sleep mattress. I loved it. It's reliable. I am worried that the middle is going to try something on me again. He's getting better.

[Aaron]

Do you want to talk about the spring savings event, jpc? Maybe that'll help.

[JPC]

Yeah, it could help to talk about the spring savings event going on at helixleep right now. We can get 20% off site wide. All you gotta do is go to helixsleep.com riddle for 20% off sitewide with a spring savings event. That's helixsleep.com riddle for the spring savings event. 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com riddle site wide.

[Adol]

Sort of like peripheral.

[JPC]

Right? Helix sleep sight wide. Okay, I'm increasing my sight to be wide now. I could see the middler. He was in my periphery. Oh, God. He's gonna make me sleep on cardboard again. Steve, you're not off the hook either.

[Aaron]

I've been simming at the edge of the water long as I came with water. Never water, knowing water. I wish I could be the perfect water when I came back from the water. No matter how hard I dry.

[JPC]

No how hard I dry Every turn.

[Aaron]

I take, every breath I make Every water break Every evening Breaking the water making the water. What is water? From the light and the sight and see if water until I know and no one leaves and no one leaves.

[Adol]

And no one's home.

[Aaron]

Oh, my God. When her grandma turns into the stingray. Oh, cry about it. Whenever.

[JPC]

I do think that it's very funny, Aaron, to sing a song where, like, the first eight beats are about water and then you get into what is water? It's like, oh, no. This person singing this water song doesn't know what water is.

[Adol]

Took an insane clown posse turn.

[Aaron]

Yeah, you guys. I have been crying over, like, nothing recently. I've been tipped over so easily. I'm crying over commercials. I was at a bar the other night and my friends were just describing a moment from the most recent season of Survivor that I have not watched and had no context for. And I burst into tears at a bar with them just describing it. I was like, that's beautiful. And they were like, are you okay?

[JPC]

It was probably a really sad story and it probably has nothing to do with what's going on with you. It's probably something really sad. That happened on Survivor. That is universal. So anyone who was hearing it described would have cried.

[Adol]

Okay, Aaron.

[Aaron]

Sorry.

[Adol]

It's the mayor of Riddleville. You forgot your toothbrush. Also, I looked in my bathroom trash and it seems like there's a pregnancy test that says positive.

[Aaron]

Guys, can I have a quick second?

[Adol]

Yeah.

[JPC]

Are you talking to me? Yeah, sure. For sure.

[Aaron]

Yeah, thanks.

[JPC]

But do I have to hang out with the mayor of riddles? Is that. Will you go?

[Aaron]

No. Yeah.

[JPC]

I hate making small talk with guys. Aaron's fucking. It's truly.

[Aaron]

I'm just gonna be right back. I'm just gonna be right back. Just talk to him for a second.

[Adol]

Fucking Aaron, huh?

[JPC]

Yeah. So how is it, man? Hitting the guts?

[Adol]

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Stabbing guts. That was a term that was bandied about maybe 10 years ago in Riddleville, but I don't think I would say that. I believe Aaron is a respectable woman and I care for her deeply. And we've had several, for sure.

[JPC]

We're just a sex positive podcast, so we don't mind talking about me and.

[Aaron]

The mayor never had sex. What are you guys talking about? What was implying that we've had sex?

[JPC]

Toothbrush, Pregnancy test.

[Adol]

You left your coat at my place.

[JPC]

Both of your smells the way both you smell the way both of you smell.

[Aaron]

What does that mean?

[Adol]

Let's just say I changed.

[JPC]

Aaron's oil smells like somebody's been hitting the skins. And I'm not talking about playing football.

[Aaron]

All right, guys, if you guys can't talk to the guys that I'm having sex with, then what is even the point of having podcast co hosts?

[Adol]

Key to the titties. What does a mayor have? Key to the key to the titties.

[Aaron]

Key to the titties.

[Adol]

Can I get the key to the.

[Aaron]

Titty titty tape parade? That's nothing. I know it's nothing.

[JPC]

It's about less than nothing. Yeah, it's almost nothing. Aaron, do we have any questions?

[Aaron]

Can we skip to plugs?

[JPC]

No.

[Aaron]

Tbz, please. I never ask you.

[JPC]

Aaron, I hate to be the one to say this. You always ask. Do I? Yeah. And it's never. It's not often verbal, but it's behind the eyes. And it's a pleading. It's a pleading to be like, can we just do plugs one time?

[Adol]

You sang it. You sang Pink Pony plugs.

[JPC]

I think, Aaron, I'll give you options. I'll give you options. We could do riddles. We could have you do more riddles. Or we could keep kind of like mining the content of like, what if you're pregnant? And like, what other kind of guys have you slept with that we could, like, bring now? Do it.

[Aaron]

Do it.

[Adol]

Uh oh.

[Aaron]

Do it.

[JPC]

I do think that if you. I think if you were pregnant, this maybe the worst way to find out about it is by someone being like, maybe you're pregnant on a riddle podcast. And then you go and take a test and you're like, uh, oh, uh oh.

[Aaron]

When Adol said he had a dream about me being pregnant, I literally had a moment where I was like, oh, my God, how could that happen? Cause I'm a virgin. No, I was like, oh my God. If he's intuitively knowing this. No, I don't. You know what? If I do ever find out I'm pregnant, I hope one of you tells me somehow finds out before me.

[JPC]

If I had the ability to carry a child, I think that I would have taken like a million pregnancy tests in my life. Not a million. Oh, yeah, I'm not out there fucking that much. But I think that, let's see, the amount of pregnancy tests that I've taken as a man has been zero. I think it would be way more difficult.

[Aaron]

Have you tried it for fun?

[JPC]

I've peed on some. I've peed on some used ones. When Mariah took a pregnancy test that said that she was pregnant, I tried to pee on it to see if I could pee the baby out.

[Adol]

Sort of a pee out the poison situation?

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah, sort of a pee out the poison. But like, kind of like try to see if I could reverse it.

[Aaron]

That makes sense, I think.

[Adol]

So you think the baby's inside the pregnancy test?

[JPC]

I peed on Mariah's positive pregnancy test when she was pregnant. And then the pregnancy test changed to this. Whatever this is, can't support life, and whatever it's growing needs to be killed. And actually listed a phone number. And I called the phone number and.

[Aaron]

It was a priest, right?

[JPC]

Well, yeah, it was like a priest, but like a dark web black market. Like one of the type of priests that will like, come do an exorcist. Assassin.

[Aaron]

Assassin. I think I've told this story on the show before, so stop me if I have, but when I was a freshman in college, we did a exercise in acting class where you had to find something with like a sense of urgency in the scene and you got to pick what your object was. Like some people picked like a watch or like whatever, like a receipt. And I was like, oh, I'll pick like a pregnancy test because someone would be Urgently trying to find one that they, like, maybe hid somewhere in a room. Um, and I thought. And I. It went well. I got a good grade on the scene and then ended up grade on the scene. I know. Whatever. Fucking nothing. It's made up. I threw. Because pregnancy tests, a lot of time come in packs of two.

[JPC]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

And I had bought it from, like, the dollar store or whatever, and I threw it in my box of props, so it was just like wigs, props, various other nonsense. And then forgot about it for the rest of the year. My mom came to pick me up for my freshman year of college to move me out and saw it. And then my mom started acting so weird for, like, three days. And I was like, you seem kind of mad at me. Like this, like, Irish Catholic, like. And I was like, what is going on? Like, why are. Why are you acting so weird? And she finally was like, erin, I found a pregnancy test in your room. And I was like, this is the worst moment of my life.

[Adol]

Imagine an Irish Catholic mom being mad about pregnancy.

[Aaron]

I know. I was like, mom, that was for an acting exercise. And thank you for rubbing it in that I did not have sex at all this year. It is a different level of humiliation to have your mom think that you were having sex all year and being like, nope, no one wanted to. Thanks, though. Thank you.

[JPC]

I would have done it. I would have raw dogged it. I said, I'll just take the test.

[Adol]

This reminds me, and stop me if I've told this one before, but I'll say very quickly. My sister Saidiya, who's a tremendous actor.

[Aaron]

Yes.

[Adol]

Was taking a class. I won't say the name of the theater, but it's a very popular theater. And there's like a sub for the acting class. So this sub was going around the room and was like, I'm going to ask you a question. I just want you to respond honestly. And the teacher goes. The sub goes to the first student, the acting student, and they go, your house is on fire. You have to save one thing that's not a pet or an electronic. What is it? And the person's like, a photo of my grandma because she passed when I was 10 and I never really got to know her. And everyone's getting emotional. And the sub's like, amazing, amazing. Answer goes to the next student. In order. The second student in line kind of standing and is like, you have the power to heal one issue with the world. What do you heal? And the person's like, I think hunger. I think I would be able to feed everyone, and everyone's getting emotional. The sub's like, an amazing question. Then the sub gets to Sadiya, who's like, I guess third and goes, clearly ran out of questions and goes, what if you were a donut? What kind of donut would you be? And Sadiya's like, ah, jelly. And the sub's like, why? And Sadiya's like, I'm delicious. And the sub, go, see me after class.

[Aaron]

That is fucking awesome. That is classic stuff.

[Adol]

The sub clearly didn't prepare and then took it out on City of. Like, if you're not going to take this seriously. And it's like, you ask me what kind of fucking donut I am.

[JPC]

I think, you know, to be in the interest of transparency, if Aaron has told that story on the podcast before, and if Adol has told that story in the podcast before, we should also tell a new story. So I'll tell you a new story. It's a very brief story.

[Adol]

Perfect.

[JPC]

The other day, Mariah and I were sitting in the kitchen and she went to microwave something and she looked at whatever. I don't remember what it was that she was microwaved, but she said three and a half minutes. And then she went to the microwave and she put in three, and then she put in five, zero, and she hit start. And I go, wait a second. I stopped the microwave. And I was like, wait a second. You think 50 is half a minute? And she's like, I panicked and I just said, whatever.

[Aaron]

That's gonna be my new mantra.

[Adol]

I panicked and I sank.

[JPC]

I couldn't remember what half a minute was. And I said, whatever. It's fine.

[Aaron]

Whatever.

[JPC]

Just a little microwaving. Who gives a shit? That's so funny.

[Adol]

That's amazing.

[Aaron]

Okay, guys, guess what? I'm actually not giving up on this science riddle book that's maybe from Molly. I'm actually not gonna give up on it. I'm gonna complete it. Okay.

[Adol]

Okay.

[JPC]

All right. Is there a resolution to this? Did we think you were giving up on it?

[Aaron]

Yeah, I mean, I just assume. You guys always assume that I'm giving up.

[JPC]

No, I think you think I think about you more than I do. Does that make sense?

[Aaron]

That's really sweet. Wait, what did you say?

[Adol]

Aaron, if you can see the audience, the audience can see you.

[JPC]

Yeah. Let me just write.

[Aaron]

What does that mean?

[JPC]

Objects in audience may appear closer than they appear.

[Aaron]

Hmm.

[Adol]

Aaron, remember Closer with Clive Owen and Natalie, Aforementioned Natalie Portman?

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah. Do I remember a hot, sexy movie with Clive Owen? Clive Owen?

[Adol]

Oh, Homer, we're gonna have to get you.

[Aaron]

Oh, no. Jim. Kids. Together. I might have already done this one. Sorry. But we'll quickly get through to once we have it done.

[JPC]

What?

[Aaron]

What snacks should you serve robots at a party?

[Adol]

Micro Bites. Microchips.

[Aaron]

Yeah, that's a great answer.

[JPC]

Great answers.

[Aaron]

They are. Yeah, it's not that.

[JPC]

Megabytes.

[Adol]

Oh, Mixed Nuts and bolts.

[Aaron]

Yeah, Mixed Nuts. Oh, you got it. I'd like to see a scene.

[JPC]

Wait, what? Mixed nuts. Why Mix nuts?

[Aaron]

Cause robots are made of nuts and bolts. Makes sense.

[JPC]

Robots are made of nuts and bolts.

[Adol]

Can I say something?

[Aaron]

Oh, here we go. Hi, Puzzbot.

[Adol]

Hi, Aaron. You left your coat and toothbrush at my place.

[Aaron]

You know what, guys? Can you talk to Puzzbot for a second? I'm just gonna be over here.

[Adol]

I don't like to make small talk with jpz.

[JPC]

Oh, God damn it.

[Adol]

So, how is cousin? Pissed.

[JPC]

All right. Great. Yeah, it's great. Puzzbot. Puzzbot. May I say that you. You sound like, you know or. I'm sorry, you. Well, I better be going. I bailed on saying it so fast, I did not want to say it. All right. See you, Buzzbot. Enough. Enough.

[Aaron]

All right, guys, I'm back, and I would like to see a scene. You are two robots at a party, and one of you is trying to, like, do a graceful exit, and the other one is noticing.

[Adol]

Well, this has been a killer party.

[JPC]

Yes, I agree. This party has been killer, man.

[Adol]

The music that was chosen was so groovy. Such groovy tunes.

[JPC]

Groovy tunes. And the drinks were reasonably mixed.

[Adol]

I'm sorry I spilled my Manhattan on your motherboard, my man.

[JPC]

It is all good. It is literally water under the cooling system.

[Adol]

Phew. That is a gig off my memory card.

[JPC]

All right, brother. Good to run into you.

[Adol]

Good to run. Oh, I'm actually going the same way.

[JPC]

Oh, okay. We were both doing the thing where we say goodbye to one person at the party.

[Adol]

I can say goodbye to one person or zero people.

[JPC]

Yes, me, too. It's binary choice. I feel like if we leave together, people are going to assume that we are going to fuck.

[Adol]

Well, should we give them something to talk about?

[JPC]

Huh? This is not. This is not the way I saw this night going. Contemplating probabilities. Okay. Yes. I could be a dudes.

[Adol]

Oh, man. I was joking. This is awkward now. I am so sorry. I was.

[JPC]

Yes, Me, too. Me, too. Me, too.

[Adol]

Me, too.

[Aaron]

Guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. We're gonna have to take your keys because you guys are talking like you're robots and you're clearly really drunk. We do not want you driving home.

[JPC]

Calculating probability of threesome.

[Adol]

Wow.

[JPC]

Looking unlikely.

[Aaron]

That's such a. You. I like, made you guys be robots. And I was like, honestly, Aaron, you.

[Adol]

Gave me an idea for the next party I attend, which is to get so drunk that I think I'm a robot.

[JPC]

I wouldn't be drunk, though. I feel like you could be on mushrooms. Enough that you think that you're a robot.

[Adol]

I hit my head so hard drunk.

[JPC]

That you think you're a robot.

[Aaron]

What did the mad scientist write on the robot's tombstone?

[JPC]

Hmm.

[Adol]

Rip.

[JPC]

Yeah, probably Rip.

[Aaron]

Not this time.

[JPC]

Ricdrw.

[Adol]

RI burn CD Aaron. Is it something to do with Rip? But it's like Rest in.

[Aaron]

It is a play on Rest in Peace.

[Adol]

Rest in pieces. Rest in Rust in peace.

[Aaron]

Rest in Peace. Rest in Peace. They're brilliant, Aaron.

[Adol]

I would do win a season. Okay, Aaron, you are famed outlaw Rust in Peace. Jpz, you are a bartender at a bar that Rest in Peace has just walked into. Looking for trouble.

[JPC]

Nah, nah. Rustin. Rustin, your money's no good here. And I mean that literally. All your money is rusted to the core. It just. It ruins the other money that it touches. Please don't.

[Aaron]

Currency is currency, is it not?

[JPC]

Correct? It is not.

[Aaron]

Another whiskey.

[JPC]

Look, we don't want trouble, Rustin. We'll just give you the whiskey gratis. On the house. Just keep your. Keep your filthy money in your pockets, if you could.

[Aaron]

Can I ask you a question?

[JPC]

Yeah, sure.

[Aaron]

You're piano player. You stop playing when I walk through those saloons. Balloon doors. And everyone used to fall silent. And now people keep going about their day, business as usual when I walk in. Am I losing my touch?

[JPC]

I would say don't touch anything.

[Aaron]

Why?

[JPC]

People keep saying that because you're filthy, Reston.

[Aaron]

It's the old West. We're all filthy.

[JPC]

Well, yeah. So imagine how it must be me calling you out. You know what I'm saying? Because we're all filthy and you're.

[Aaron]

I have half a mind to show you the business end of my gun, sir.

[JPC]

Rustin, I am not scared of that gun because there is no way that rusted piece of metal can fire bullets.

[Aaron]

I left it in a lake for four months by accident.

[JPC]

Your whole is left in a lake. That's your whole vibe.

[Aaron]

Well, my house is by a lake.

[JPC]

Well, I. A lot of people live by lakes. And I've never seen a human being Rust. I've never seen that until I met You Rustin? You know what?

[Aaron]

I have half a mind to show you the business end of my gun. I already said that.

[JPC]

I wouldn't put it past you if you did have half a mind. Cause it seems like maybe half your brain has been corroded by some sort of exposure to oxygen and water.

[Adol]

PIANO STOPS PLAYING.

[Aaron]

Well, this has been the most hurtful interaction I've had in quite some time. You've hurt my feelings. I'm going to go out, dad to my horse. I'm going to lick my wounds.

[JPC]

Don't lick it. If it licks, it's good or it's going to rust. Have you been licking your wounds?

[Aaron]

Oh, brother. Well, maybe one more quick riddle and then yes, please.

[JPC]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aaron]

What did the little electric robot say to its mother?

[Adol]

I'm hum, humgry Mommy and Dada Mama.

[JPC]

Little electronic robot, can you charge my diaper?

[Aaron]

Ew. What is wrong with you?

[JPC]

You asked. You asked.

[Aaron]

Ugh. What is wrong with you?

[Adol]

Are you my motherboard?

[Aaron]

No.

[JPC]

Are you? My motherboard is good, but electric is key here, right? I assume there's.

[Aaron]

I would just say it's like a robot thing. I don't think you would be able to get this. But wait, give us a clue.

[JPC]

You don't think I'm gonna be able to get it?

[Aaron]

I don't think anyone's gonna be able to get this.

[JPC]

Oh.

[Aaron]

It's the robot saying I love you to its mom. But it's the quantity of how much it loves its mom.

[JPC]

Whoa.

[Aaron]

That is the joke.

[Adol]

I love you tons and tons.

[Aaron]

Yeah, but what's it. Yeah, there you go. Combine the two things you just did.

[JPC]

Jfc, would you say I love you a gigaton?

[Aaron]

No, you said a different word.

[Adol]

Megaton.

[JPC]

Watts.

[Aaron]

There you go.

[JPC]

I love you. A watt.

[Aaron]

Yeah. I love you watts. And watts.

[JPC]

Watts and watts.

[Aaron]

I love you watts and watts.

[JPC]

Oh, I guess electric watts. Yeah. Okay. I mean this.

[Aaron]

Have a good attitude.

[JPC]

Okay.

[Aaron]

Casey, can we have a voicemail theme?

[JPC]

Have a good attitude.

[Aaron]

Have a good attitude.

[JPC]

Fuck.

[Aaron]

Hey, Riddle.

[JPC]

Riddle has a voicemail you can call, and if you're nice and leave a message, then they just might play it all on the show. Unless you're a child, then please go. That's a no. Hey, don't find five riddle one. Call it O5 riddle one. And now the theme is done, a.

[Aaron]

Play on our favorite song. Hey there, Delilah.

[JPC]

Wow. By the Plain White tees.

[Adol]

Plain white tees.

[JPC]

And I do also appreciate working in the fact that. Don't call that number if you're A child? Yes, because I'm sick of getting voicemails from children.

[Adol]

Isn't it wild that plain white tees are now associated with the bear?

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah.

[JPC]

Because of how much they wear plain white tees on that show.

[Adol]

Yeah. Jeremy Allen. White tees.

[Aaron]

That's funny.

[JPC]

White tees. And he's a tease.

[Adol]

He's such a tease.

[JPC]

He's such a tease. Shameless tease.

[Aaron]

And can we hear that voicemail? Casey.

[D]

Hey, Adalaron and jpc. My name's Rodolfo. I'm a longtime listener and short time fan.

[JPC]

Hi, Rodolfo.

[D]

I called you guys about a year ago to tell you I got a new job and I feel like I'm legally obligated to inform you. I. I did quit that one and I do have a new one.

[JPC]

Just like last time.

[D]

You're the first people I told. But this time I got a question. I'm interested to know what your favorite and least favorite class or multi class in D and D is. Mine's a delicate balance of a warlock sorcerer and a paladin. And my least favorite's Rogue. I'll be sure to inform you when any future job changes. Until then, bye bye.

[Aaron]

Yeah, thank you so much. We do want everyone to be updating us on your employment status. That's just like a legal thing for us. We need to know where you're working and why.

[JPC]

And why. And why is a big part. Rodolfo kind of left out the why part, so.

[Aaron]

And we don't always assume it's for money.

[JPC]

Okay. So it's most favorite and least favorite D and D classes.

[Adol]

I think I might like Ranger the best.

[JPC]

Oh yeah, Rangers are fun.

[Adol]

And I probably like, like Wizard. Is Wizard a class?

[JPC]

Yeah, Wizard's a class.

[Adol]

I think I like wizard the least. But only because you have to keep track of so much.

[JPC]

Yeah, I think I'm gonna hit you with the opposite direction because I think my least favorite would be like kind of maybe just like Fighter. Like something that's like vanilla and like big sword hit heavy, you know? Yeah, that thing when I'm role playing, it's not my most favorite. And I think that my favorite, my most favorite probably is Wizard. I like the idea of looking through the spellbook and picking things for like, oh, this could be useful in this instance.

[Adol]

Now, JPC and the D and D game that we played in for like six years together, your wizard name was Vodan.

[JPC]

Vodan Shavares.

[Adol]

Vodon Shavares.

[Aaron]

And is he here with us now, Eren?

[JPC]

He might be if I could remember. I think you sounded like me. I think it was just my voice. But yeah. Also my favorite way to play is the. There's one thing where you're like, okay, you're a wizard. You have to cast fireball because it's like the best damage spell. But I do like when you play a character. I think my character that I played in that campaign was an illusionist. And I like picking spells that don't like deal damage because you can think of more fun ways to use them. But I guess it's just different strokes for different folks. And then when I played Baldur's Gate 3, my character was a monk. My main character was a monk. And I really had a good time playing a monk, beating people off with my fists.

[Adol]

Aaron, I'm gonna guess that you like bard best.

[Aaron]

I do. I was gonna say bard is my favorite. Not necessarily to play, but to have in a party. I feel like you gotta have a bard. And then I would say I've never felt the pull to play a barbarian or like a fighter.

[Adol]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

That often. I like sort of magic or like a druid. Like, I like. I don't. I don't love being a fighter.

[JPC]

Yeah, you're more of a flighter. Right?

[Aaron]

Gotta go.

[JPC]

That was a great question. Also, if you. If you want to send us anything in the mail, our mailing address is in the show description. Every week you can send us something in the mail. And if you want to hear us open something that you send us in the mail, check out our livestreams that we do every month on our review crew tier of our patreon. That is a. That is where I guess I never really say, but that's where I open up all of the packages that people sent us. So if you have sent us a package and you want to see any time in the last like three years, me open it. Go check out one of those old live streams on our patreon, because that's where I be opening it.

[Aaron]

And quick reminder, I'm campaigning for us to do a live show in someone's living room in the next year or so. So send us your wedding invitation. We want to do it for a couple who they both are. They like the show and they're both interested in the show because we're going to be doing a live show from your living room. So send that in if you want us to do a live show in your living room.

[JPC]

Oh, and before we get to plugs, I'm going to do one like pre plug announcement that I guess I should be mentioning. But yeah, it's probably partially plugs. But if you are joining our Patreon and you want to give us money to listen to our bonus content, do not do it through the Patreon app on the iOS app store. If you try to sign up via the Patreon app on the App Store, it charges you. Apple charges you 30% more. We don't see that money. It just goes to Apple and it's every month. So do not do that. Go to Patreon's website and sign up via their website. So just open a browser on your phone or do it on your computer. But definitely sign up for our Patreon on a website, not the iOS app or you will be charged extra money. And that boils my blood that Apple does that. So just do not give Apple more of your money if you can avoid it.

[Adol]

That is very Yosemite Sam of you. Boils my blood, burns my biscuits.

[Aaron]

Adel, anything to plug?

[Adol]

Yes, I want to plug. Hey everyone at the office, text or call the Aaron in your life. For some of you that might be Aaron Keefe. For a lot of you it's not. But everyone has an Aaron in their life and maybe just reach out to them, send them a text, say hi, maybe give them a call, catch up with them, see how they're doing. Aaron, anything to plug or promote.

[Aaron]

Ignore your texts and phone calls from your loved ones. No, no, no, no, no. I'm kidding. Follow quality time on Instagram if you live in la, are you going to be there soon? I host a monthly variety show and it is really a true variety show in Los Angeles that I'm really proud of and I think is always consistently very, very good. So come check that out if you want. Jpc, anything to plug or review.

[Adol]

Real quick. Next time I'm in la, could I pop on quality time and teach karate at all?

[Aaron]

I actually insist that you do that. Actually, you're not leaving the city unless you've done that.

[Adol]

Take that. Echo that one Dave said.

[JPC]

Anything to blog about before I read a review, which I'm going to do. And if you want to submit a review, you can leave a five star review anywhere that you leave reviews and I might read it on the show. But before I do that I just have to remind everybody it is still Penguin Baseball Month. April of the Penguins on the Patreon Balls in. Check out our show description for links to our merch store with all new Penguin baseball teams. It's a lot of fun over there and it's continuing all frickin month long. Adol. Did you say something?

[Adol]

Said the ball's the egg.

[JPC]

The ball is the egg. Of course the ball is the egg.

[Aaron]

Still.

[JPC]

Let's read a five star review. This review is titled Five Stars. It's from Slippy McTripp. Five stars. Five stars. Five stars. 5 stars. 5 stars. 5 stars. 5 stars. 5 stars. 5 Stars. Pig orgasm for 90 minutes. Five stars. Five stars. Five stars. Five stars. Five stars dot five star. You Slippy McDrip.

[Aaron]

Disgusting.

[Adol]

Jupiter never eat five guys again.

[JPC]

Starring Aaron Keating and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing. Marty Paris in the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus.

[Adol]

Are we doing the seven, eight? Yeah, yeah. The miniature count.

[Aaron]

Hey, I'm down here.

[Adol]

I'm the miniature count.

[Aaron]

Please.

[JPC]

I'm so small.

[Aaron]

I got the numbers flick. I want to lock your pinky.

[JPC]

Hey there, burgers and dogs. If you like that, you are gonna love this week's episode. It's another week of penguin baseball and this time we're giving you the fan experience. You can listen to that plus the entire back [e-mail] heyreddlerendal by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Adol]

That was a Headgum podcast.