#372: My Hearts Don't Lie w/ Joey Bland

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #372: "My Hearts Don't Lie" w/ Joey Bland — Summary

Date: September 3, 2025
Podcast: Hey Riddle Riddle (Headgum)
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Guest: Joey Bland (Improvised Shakespeare Company, Like Minds podcast)

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode spotlights Chicago improv fixture Joey Bland, diving into his experiences in the world of trivia (including a Jeopardy! run), his complicated relationship with riddles, improv nerdiness, and classic Hey Riddle Riddle goofiness with riddles, lateral thinking puzzles, and wild improv scenes. The episode strikes its usual balance: plenty of "barely about riddles," rich in digressions, stories, and spirited bits.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Joey Bland: Improv and Jeopardy Royalty

• Tattoo Bit: The hosts joke about getting interconnected podcast-title tattoos, with Joey as "the pause" between their words.
• Joey’s Background: Introduced as a notable Jeopardy! contestant and pillar of the improvisational scene.
• Stage Name Gags: Joey recounts audition confusion over his "bland" last name, joking he’s “Joey Razmatazz” in real life (02:32).

Jeopardy! Deep Dive

• Joey's Jeopardy! credentials:
  • "I was on it in 2005. Uh, I won twice and lost once. And you go, everyone loses once." (03:18)
  • Final Jeopardy stories:
    • "Remember the ladies?" — the Abigail Adams clue (04:12)
    • "What is the oldest capital city in the Americas?" — Santo Domingo (04:47)
  • Regret over Final Jeopardy wagering: "Never bet everything. You can't win with zero. You can win with a dollar." (06:56)
  • Hosts riff on Jeopardy betting strategies, website guides, and the sadness of being benched in Final Jeopardy (07:29).

Trivia vs. Improv Skills

• Joey says a broad array of knowledge helps in improv but "not knowing a lot of stuff, but being interested in a lot of stuff" is most helpful (10:13).
• On Alex Trebek: "On the day, I didn't feel that at all... He was really good at it." (11:13) — plus some classic Trebek ribbing.

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2. Riddles, Puzzles, and Escape Rooms

• Joey’s relationship with puzzles: "I always know what I'm supposed to do... but I can't do it until it just happens. So I feel like it's very frustrating. Yeah, I hate them in a lot of ways." (12:11)
• Prefers constructing over solving: "I like being the person constructing the puzzle box... I guess I'm that side of, like, the sadism of it." (12:53)
• "Puzzlier than straightforward trivia": Joey likens his Like Minds podcast questions to what a "bridge troll" would ask (13:24).

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3. User-Submitted Riddles & Improv Scenes

Riddle 1: "Nose and tail, but cannot breathe"

• Multi-layered attempts:
  • "Is this like a penny?" — "Acceptable, but it’s not the one we’re looking for." (14:44)
  • Plane, scooter, transportation device ("Skateboard!"), culminating with skateboard as the answer (18:38).

Notable Scene: Dad at the Skate Park

• Hilarious improv where Adal plays a dad disastrously trying to connect with skate kids (19:08–23:17).
• "Dude, your pants are ripped bad." "Oh, my toxic!" — Erin as kid, at 19:39.
• Wild escalation: Old Bart Simpson skateboard, exploded tomato/testicle confusion, Carol Channing as a kid’s name.

Discussion: 90s Pop Culture

• Dr. Pepper Pizza Hut skateboard, Bam Margera confusion, Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon Guts, Legends of the Hidden Temple nostalgia (23:22–25:19).

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Riddle 2: "Corrupt king—both papers say guilty"

• Joey narrows in on solution: "I think you go… you grab both pieces and you open them…" — but the answer is:
• Eat one piece of paper, forcing the king to reveal the remaining “guilty” slip, thus appearing you picked “innocent” (31:53).
• Clues from JPC: "Your hands are free." (29:03)
• Improv Scene: Vaudeville duo stalls the king before execution with puns and jokes (32:37–36:29).
  • "If these are the last words I can speak in my entire life, take me, please, away from my wife." — Joey as vaudeville husband.

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Riddle Games: Real or Fake? (Elvis Brown's Set)

Each set: one real riddle, one nonsense red herring.

Set 1:

• "What is always on its way but never arrives?" (Fake; but hosts answer "future" or "tomorrow")
• "What makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?" — Answer: Smoke (57:30)
  • "Balloon" is suggested, leads to a scene with Erin’s stepdad as a balloon (52:10–56:41).

Set 2:

• "I rise and fall, no matter what. Only at final rest do I not budge. What am I?" — Answer: Feet (65:22)
  • EKG machine, eyelids, elevator, tide all guessed.
  • Notable: Joey’s banter about "coma machine," “Smith Scholar” joke.
• "I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three." (Fake; hosts roast the bad riddle.)

Set 3:

• "Although I'm not an insect, ... called me the insane priest. First half of my name means 'scrape', last three letters a metal."

  • Answer: Rasputin (70:55)

  • Hosts find the riddle convoluted and hilarious.

  • "Throw me off the highest building and I'll not break; put me in the ocean and I will leave a grieving wife." — (Fake)

Notable Quotes:

• "You would rather be Jigsaw than the person who has to cut their own arm off?" — JPC, to Joey (13:05)
• "I like this guy's writing!" — Joey riffing on JPC's "scream at the waiter" anxiety blog (07:56)
• [On historical riddles]: "That's barely even a riddle. That's just like a historical fact." — Joey (71:21)
• "Ekg. Machine—yeah, they call them coma machines." — Joey (59:06)

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Notable Moments, Running Gags & Quotes

• 03:45 – "Remember the ladies?" Adal references the famed Abigail Adams quote.
• 10:02 – "With improv, period, the more you know, the better, right?" — Joey
• 11:13 – Candid take on Alex Trebek’s game-show hosting style.
• 19:06–23:17 – Multiminute wrestling, skateboard, and skatepark improv mayhem.
• 32:37–36:29 – Extended vaudeville duo execution scene, improvising and stalling with puns.
• 52:10–56:41 – Scene: Erin’s new stepdad is a guidance counselor balloon with a face.
• 67:02–70:14 – Scene: stapled-together phone bill and birthday card, marriage analogy, leading to a melodramatic card sacrifice.
• 71:45–74:51 – Scene: Joey as Rasputin smugly returns to a bar after his (alleged) assassination.

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Joey Bland Plugs & Callouts

At 75:28:

• Like Minds podcast ("troll bridge-level trivia," Wednesdays).
• Improvised Shakespeare Company – touring and LA shows.

Erin & Adal Plug:

• Listen to their Like Minds appearance.
• Patreon bonus episodes, "Gumshoes and Dragons", and upcoming Hey Riddle Riddle live tour (76:28).

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:32 | Joey Bland on “bland” as a last name/stage name | | 03:06 | Joey on Jeopardy: victories, Final Jeopardy stories | | 06:56 | Betting mistakes/regret on Jeopardy | | 10:02 | Knowledge in improv context | | 12:11 | Joey on his “hate” for riddles | | 13:24 | Like Minds podcast: “troll bridge” riddle writing | | 14:27 | Riddle: “nose and tail, but cannot breathe” | | 19:06–23:17 | Skatepark improv with “dad” | | 29:03 | King’s riddle; “your hands are free” clue | | 31:53 | Solution: eat one paper to save your life | | 32:37–36:29 | Vaudeville duo execution pun scene | | 49:53ff | “Real or fake” riddle game: various user submissions | | 52:10–56:41 | Scene: Erin’s balloon stepdad scenario | | 65:22 | "Feet" as the answer to rise/fall riddle | | 71:12ff | Rasputin scene in bar after being “exterminated” | | 75:28 | Joey plugs Like Minds podcast and Improvised Shakespeare | | 76:28 | Hosts plug Patreon, Gumshoes & Dragons, tour |

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Tone & Style Highlights

• Effortlessly silly, boisterous, and meta—the cast constantly riffs on each other and their own format.
• Joey fits right into the playful banter, indulging the show’s sprawling tangents and intricate bits.
• Smart but accessible: plenty of “dad joke” and vaudeville humor woven into genuinely clever riddle-solving approaches.

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Conclusion

This episode is classic Hey Riddle Riddle: a joyful jumble of actual riddles, sprawling tangents about game show history, pop culture, and absurd improv scenes. Joey Bland’s improv and trivia prowess shine through, making him an ideal guest for a show about almost everything and only sometimes about riddles.

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Selected Quotes:

• "Not knowing a lot, but being interested in a lot..." — Joey Bland (10:13)
• "You would rather be Jigsaw than the person who has to cut their arm off?" — JPC to Joey (13:05)
• "That's barely even a riddle, that's just like a historical fact." — Joey on the Rasputin puzzle (71:21)

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Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Quick. Time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink, and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's.

[C]

Price and participation may vary.

[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an.

[A]

Adel gpc. And I just got our hay and riddle tattoo. Did you get a riddle tattoo?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Where is it?

[B]

Yeah, let's see it.

[D]

Huh?

[B]

Let's see it.

[D]

What did you two get?

[A]

He got hay and I got the first riddle. And then your job was to get the second riddle.

[B]

Yeah, the second for the. And that's the name of the show. It's hey, Riddle. Riddle. And the tattoo doesn't work if you didn't get that. Because otherwise it's just, hey, riddle. No one will know what the fuck that means. Or riddle. Hey, depending on how we stand.

[D]

You know how I've been super unorganized recently?

[A]

Okay, recently.

[D]

The last seven years.

[B]

Seven.

[D]

I got from the Magic Tavern.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

On my lower back.

[A]

You got a tramp stamp of.

[D]

No, from the Magic Tavern, I got a tattoo on my lower back.

[B]

Well, that actually fits because Aaron got ass cheek and I got taint for our tattoo. So now it kind of like it all reads.

[A]

Well, I got a tattoo that says ass cheek and it's on my face.

[B]

Yeah. I got a forearm tattoo that says taint.

[D]

Is any tattoo. Charlie Chopin gets a tramp stamp.

[B]

Our guest today.

[A]

That's a lot of fun. And that's a lot of fun.

[B]

And that's what we like to call a lot of fun.

[D]

Let's air out the room. Our guest today, Mr. Joey Bland. Thank you so much for being here.

[C]

Hey, I'm tattooless.

[B]

None. None.

[C]

I'd be superfluous. I would be superfluous in your podcast title tattoos. Cause I am a fourth person in a three word title.

[B]

No, it'd be like room tone. You need that to set the mood for the tattoo that you're about to see.

[C]

Fair enough. Fair enough. I could be a pause before or after Joey Bland.

[B]

Human room tone. God. I guess Metronome with a name like Bland kind of does fit.

[C]

Oh, my God. I know. I had an audition one time and the guy was like, Joey Bland. That's gotta be a. That's gotta be a stage name. And it's like stage names are the reverse. You go the other way.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[C]

You're like, I'm Joey Starr.

[A]

Hi, I'm Jennifer Boring.

[C]

Yeah, well, that was. My reply, was like, it is. It is a stage name. My real name is Joey Razmatazz. Oh, they loved it.

[D]

Joey is anything but blonde. You might know him from Improvised Shakespeare, one of the best improv shows you'll ever see. You might know him from the brand new podcast Like Minds, which you can find anywhere you find podcasts. You might know him from being a champion on Jeopardy.

[C]

Boy, if you did, I'd be impressed.

[D]

X amount of years ago, was it. Was it. I don't know how to phrase this without insulting any listeners. Was it normal or college?

[C]

It was normal Jeopardy.

[D]

And it was the real thing.

[C]

The real thing. The real thing. I was on it in 2005. Uh, I won twice and lost once. And you go, everyone loses once.

[D]

Do you remember your final Jeopardy. Question that you won on?

[C]

God, uh, yeah, a hundred percent. Uh, I. Well, I gotta remember I won twice, and I remember the final Jeopardy that I lost on it. Would you like to hear them?

[A]

I would love to hear.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

The first one was essentially, I think the category was something like 18th century correspondence. It was a really.

[A]

I would just write pigeon, and then it was crazy.

[B]

It was a silly.

[C]

Not even a category.

[B]

Oh, so Aaron Pigeon. That's like the type.

[A]

Of course, I'm not saying I would win. I'm just saying I would panic.

[C]

And that would fit in the category Correspondence with a C. Not correspondence like the People, but it was about a correspondent and the cat. The question was basically a quote. And it was like, who wrote this to her husband in whatever year? And it was an Abigail Adams quote.

[A]

And remember the ladies?

[B]

I'm sure that's the one.

[C]

That's the one. And I think we all got it.

[A]

You all got it?

[C]

Yeah, I think so. And then the second one was much harder. And it was one of those things where someone had not made it to final Jeopardy. So it's just down to me and this other guy. And it was. I think it was world capitals or some kind of capitals. And I was pretty.

[B]

I.

[C]

That was. I was like, I know those, but that wouldn't really help. And it was something this. Essentially, the question was like, what is the oldest capital city in the Americas? And it was founded in, like, 14 something. So at first, people were like, Boston. You're like, no, 1400s.

[D]

My God City.

[C]

So you have to think, where did Columbus land? And I kind of remembered that he landed on the island of Hispaniola, which is where, like, Haiti and the Dominican Republic are. So I wrote down Santo Domingo, the capital of Dominican Republic, which was correct.

[A]

Oh, huge.

[C]

And that. And.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

And. But that also was really, really. Cause it was. I had more than twice the other guy, so I knew I was gonna win.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

So I was, like, floating at that point.

[B]

And the other guy wrote, pidgin. Right.

[C]

And he got panicked.

[D]

I truly think the saddest thing. The saddest thing you can watch on TV is on Jeopardy. When someone goes. I guess zeros out or goes below. And for Final Jeopardy. They're like, could you. We don't want you on camera. Like, you can't even sit quietly.

[A]

Could you go to the shame box?

[C]

Back to the green room? Yeah. And then. But I finished. They shoot, like, five in a day, or. They did. I'm sure they still do. They shoot, like, a week in a day. And so I finished. I was the Thursday and Friday shows, so. So I left LA as the champion. Like, I've never flown home higher. Like, it was just amazing.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Then I came back and lost the first one the next morning, and it sucked.

[A]

You.

[B]

But you went home?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I flew home. They only shoot on, like, Tuesdays and Wednesdays or something.

[B]

So I flew home, like, a whole week of.

[C]

They had a week off, and so I had two weeks off, flew back.

[A]

In, and you couldn't tell anybody. You had to just walk around the world as the reigning Jeopardy. Champion, and no one knew.

[D]

You're doing that thing where you jump and kicking heels and people like Jimmy's. Really?

[A]

Were you being so funny in improv shows that week? I was like, zip, zap, zoom, callbacks.

[C]

All kinds of cool tag.

[A]

You're doing cartwheels instead of do this stuff fair.

[D]

Ladies and gents, our play takes place in Santo Domingo.

[C]

Yeah, that around a lot. That's specific.

[B]

So what was the one that you got out on it?

[C]

The question all boiled down to basically, who's the youngest person to ever run for president on a major party ticket?

[B]

Mr. Beast.

[A]

Mr. Beast.

[B]

It will be. It will be Hawk to a girl.

[C]

And. And it was Thomas Dewey of Dewey defeats Truman. And I knew I wasn't gonna get it. Um, but I also made the giant, colossal Jeopardy. Error. Error of betting everything.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Never bet everything. You can't win with zero. You can win with with a dollar. I wouldn't have won with a dollar, but I. I was stressed to the.

[B]

So this is the big regret. But it wouldn't have mattered.

[C]

It wouldn't have mattered.

[B]

No.

[C]

My big regret was, was you. There are sites you can go on now and could even then tell you every situation, what you. The rules you should follow on a wager.

[A]

Oh, that's amazing.

[C]

And I was in second place, and I should have wagered in a certain pocket, and if I done that, the woman who beat me, she and I both missed it.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

But I could have won by wager incorrectly.

[D]

That's fascinating. I never even thought about there being, like, websites or guides where it's almost like Doyle's poker book or something, where it's like, you see things. You should always move in this manner.

[B]

There's a website that I use for that, and it, like, without fail tells me because I use it because I have restaurant anxiety. And it always says scream at the waiter. And I'm. I've yet to do that.

[A]

I think you're reading your own blog.

[B]

I am reading. It's a blog.

[A]

Yeah. It's your blog.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. Okay. We're on the same thing.

[C]

I like the way this guy writes.

[A]

I. When you were going on to Jeopardy, Was there categories that you were like, please don't be on there, or in stuff that you were kind of hoping for?

[C]

Um, no, I, I, I read Opera for Dummies, and I read Classical Music for Dummies.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

I had one opera question, and I still got it wrong.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

But there's not a opera on there.

[D]

What was your major in college?

[C]

My major was religion.

[A]

Oh, that's helpful on Jeopardy.

[C]

It could be.

[B]

What was. Yeah, if they ask religion questions. Yeah.

[C]

I mean, that would have been great. That would have been great. I read something online at the time that was like, review what? You know, don't try to learn everything new, but. But definitely try to know presidents and capitals.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because even if they, they'll ask you, like, you know, the such and such uprising in this country, and you're like, I've never heard of this thing. Resulted in the collapse of the city of Nairobi. And you're like, well, I do know Nairobi is the capital of Kenya, so I'll guess Kenya. They do kind of nest clues a lot of times in Jeopardy questions.

[B]

That's interesting. That probably like doing the crossword over and over again. The more you, like, watch Jeopardy, the more you get a sense for the language that they use and how you answer those questions.

[A]

Did you sweep a category while you were on it?

[C]

No. I came close.

[A]

Which. What was the category?

[C]

Uh, gosh, what was it?

[D]

Dogs of the Bible.

[C]

God. My. My major. Professor Holmes will be so pleased.

[B]

My dissertation, Dogs of the Bible.

[C]

There was one. I feel like they showed outlines of countries, and I was just going right through it. And the last one, I just really clunked up. I don't know. It was a long time ago.

[B]

You have pretty good recall of these things. It was from being a long.

[C]

It was easily the most nervous I've ever been in my life. Like, when you start my hand, you have your thumb on the buzzer thing. And my thumb was just waving off the whole thing. I couldn't even compress it at first.

[A]

I didn't think the skill of knowing a lot about everything. Does that help you doing improvised Shakespeare? Cause I feel like you guys pull on so much stuff.

[C]

Well, I mean, yeah, now it sounds real. This, you know, all real heady stuff. But I think. Yeah, I mean, I think with improv, period, the more you know, the better, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. That's not really what this show is. Just as a heads up.

[C]

Did we get that?

[B]

Did we get that on Mike? I'm gonna have to review that later.

[D]

He's yelling at a waiter.

[C]

I would say not knowing some. Not knowing a lot of stuff, but being interested in a lot of stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Was definitely helpful.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. For sure. And. Yeah. And I think there was. There was. I'll. I'll also say going on Jeopardy. Part of the tryout was definitely like, an audition. Like, they wanted to see if you could be. Be chatty on the show.

[A]

If you could flirt with Alex Trebek, kind of.

[C]

It was. Those were the Alex days. And I will say, for a guy who, like, he was super good at his job. Yeah. He did one of those things to me when I lost. When I lost and I missed the Thomas Dewey thing, I didn't even recognize it in the moment when I watched it. He looked at my answer and he goes, I think I guess Barry Goldwater. And he goes, oh, not even close. Which sounded really like jerky when I watched it. But on the day, I didn't feel that at all. I always felt like, oh, my gosh, I'm making Dad proud. And if I missed one, you could just tell. He was like, hey, shake it off, kid. You'll be fine. And then he got one right, and he was like, you could feel like a pat on your back. He was really good at it, I.

[D]

Guess Easter island when I was on and he said, swinging a miss, bitch.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

She felt bad.

[A]

And then he punched you in the stomach.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

God, he had A temper.

[D]

Definitely had a temper around the time of Happy Gilmore. So I feel like all game show hosts were like, I'm. That. I'm Barker. Yeah.

[B]

I could have been Bob Barker when I auditioned. He was, like, hanging outside of, like, the casting area, just, like, playing a guitar, like, trying to look, like, disinterested.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then, like, people would be like, hey, are you bank? And he'd be like, yeah, actually, my hotel's, like, not far away.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Don't get me wrong. Like, he was very good at his job, but he was a total viol. Terrible man.

[A]

I do watch the clip of him saying so losers when he calls that woman and her friend losers. Oh, I haven't seen that. It's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome. And I love Alex Trebek, but this clip is one of the best.

[B]

He's famously a really mean guy. No.

[D]

Unless he's trying to get poon on the quad.

[A]

No. You guys.

[D]

So, Joey, clearly love Jeopardy. What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, crosswords, escape room, anything like that?

[C]

Oh, God. I always feel like lateral thinking, puzzles, riddles in that to the. I always know when the riddle gets read. I'm like, I know what I'm supposed to do. I understand that it's not. Don't take it at face value or redefine the words or whatever, but I can't do it until it just happens. So I feel like it's very frustrating. Yeah, I hate them in a lot of ways.

[B]

Yeah. No, that's the correct response. Welcome.

[D]

Welcome, brother.

[C]

I am here against my will.

[B]

It's a fight or flight thing, and your body is telling you the right thing to do at that point.

[A]

After doing, like, mind the podcast version and the live version.

[C]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I feel like the way your brain works, though. If I were to be, like, recruiting people from who did Chicago Improv to do an escape room with me, you would be someone I would think of.

[C]

I am beyond honored. I think I like being on the other side of it. I like being the person constructing the puzzle box.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I guess I'm that side of, like, the sadism of it.

[B]

You would rather be Jigsaw than the person who has to cut their own arm off to get out of a. I don't want me to.

[C]

I mean, but who would any of.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Isn't it just like, God, I'd love to be strapped into that thing. Rip my jaw.

[D]

Huh? Would I rather be Jigsaw or Cary Elways? Let me think about that. Hottest young actor of all time. I'm playing the game, you know?

[C]

Yeah. I do my podcast like Mines. I do tend to write things puzzlier than like a straightforward trivia question. Somebody said, like, you ask questions like a bridge troll. And I took that as high praise.

[B]

That feels like what a riddle is, right? A question and a bridge. TR would ask. Would be a riddle. That's my first riddle. Fuck.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

There you go. In that way, I'm very much summoning my father, who would we play Trivial Pursuit in my house? And he would never play because he kind of knew everything, I think, and he just had the patience for everyone else. And he would walk through the kitchen and he would hear the question. He would just say, like, lucky Charms. He'd be like, what the hell was that? And then afterwards, he'd come back in and he'd be like, well, it was about the moon and there is a moon marshmallow. Like it was some really, really tight angel there. Just enough to like.

[A]

I love that. He wasn't smug about it. He was just sort of getting his coffee.

[C]

No, he definitely wasn't. He was passing through on to work.

[B]

Well, speaking of work, let's all get to work and I'm gonna read some riddles and we can do our best to try to solve these riddles.

[C]

Let's crack this.

[B]

These are all gonna be user submitted riddles and this first one is gonna come from Mikos. It's kind of a warm up riddle. Mikos writes, what has a nose and a tail but cannot breathe? Nose and a tail, but cannot breathe.

[D]

Is this like a penny?

[B]

That's a really great answer. And it's acceptable, but it's not the one we're looking for.

[A]

A painting of.

[C]

A dog, a nose and a tail.

[B]

Aaron. Painting of a dog, I think would also work, but it is not what we are looking for.

[C]

We're not looking for just like an image of an animal.

[B]

Yes, correct.

[C]

I mean, which is kind of what.

[B]

The penny was, right? That's like. Yeah.

[D]

Also is Mikko's. Where cousin Balki was from.

[C]

He was from me post.

[D]

Me post.

[C]

Me post. Yeah, you idiot.

[B]

That was my next riddle.

[A]

Nose, tail, spelled.

[B]

Oh, that's a really great question. It is T, A I, L. Yeah.

[D]

Nose and a tail, but no. What?

[B]

But cannot breathe.

[D]

Cannot breathe, yes.

[C]

Does wine have a, like a glass of wine have a nose, But I think it also can breathe.

[B]

Yeah. Wine, I think, is famously something that you let breathe. You let breathe.

[C]

And I don't.

[A]

But I can't literally Breathe.

[B]

Well, but this is. I would say that it can't even figuratively breathe either because that's no. It does no type of breathing one way or the other.

[D]

Is this like a statue?

[C]

Breathless.

[B]

It's not a statue because we're not doing image. It's. And I think that. Yeah, it's not a statue.

[A]

Oh, a plane, Aaron.

[C]

Plane.

[B]

Plane is a great answer.

[A]

That's not it.

[B]

It's not it. But it is. Yes, it is.

[C]

It is an acceptable.

[B]

You don't have to pay for the rest it of. Of the riddle. You can have it off. You get off on a technicality because the answer is not plane. But it is like plane in that it has a nose and a tail that are not like a actual nose and an actual tail.

[C]

Anatomical.

[B]

It's just a different object than a plane is what I will say.

[C]

It's. This is not an animate object. It's not a living thing.

[B]

Correct. Yes. We're not looking for a living thing.

[C]

It's just something else that has a nose and a tail. Like an airplane.

[A]

Is it a transportation thing?

[B]

Yes. Whoa. Yes, it is a transportation thing. It's not a car.

[A]

A train.

[D]

It's not a train yard to the boat.

[B]

You don't have to do it anymore because you got played. You did so well. So now you can take your break or you can choose to help a friend.

[C]

It's not like a rocket.

[B]

No, I would say this is much more of a personal transportation device.

[A]

A bike.

[B]

Do you guys remember when a scooter bike. It's not a Segway, it's not a scooter.

[C]

Segways have a tail.

[B]

Scooter. Scooter. And scooter's closer. Scooter's closer.

[D]

Do people still put bras on their cars? Remember those? Like, not it's not a obvious bra.

[A]

But like, oh my God, my car has been wearing a bra at all. Oh my God.

[B]

How old your car?

[D]

But I feel like there was those. There's like a black. I think they call them like bras. They would put like a black. Mostly like Mitsubishi Lancers and stuff.

[A]

I don't go.

[D]

They put like a black covering over. You know what? This might be a small town headlamp and I'm outing myself.

[B]

I have seen what you are describing. I did not know that it was called a bra and I don't know what function it serves, but I had a car store.

[C]

Is it covering the headlights?

[A]

Buddy, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.

[B]

Right out of like the grill of the car. Yes. And I have seen that. I don't know what it's for.

[D]

But in the mid-90s, everyone in my small town had, like, not everyone, but a lot of people who had Mitsubishi Lancers would put.

[C]

Again, now, everyone in my small town who also had a Mitsubishi Lancer.

[B]

This is like the rollerblade, the Jeep ducks thing that I just found out. That's been going on for a couple years. But I just found out about it the other day. But now I. Yeah, you'll see people who drive Jeeps specifically, and they have these little rubber ducks. These little rubber ducks, and they keep them on their dashboards. But if they see other Jeeps, like, in the wild, it's like a. It's like a hey, good on you type of thing where they'll take one of their ducks and put it on top of someone else's Jeep to, like, pass the ducks around.

[A]

I've drove a Jeep for a while, and we would. We would beep at each other.

[B]

There was a Jeep beep. And a Jeep wave.

[C]

The Jeep beep.

[A]

The Jeep beep.

[B]

And I knew about both of those. But the ducks is a new thing, that Jeeps.

[A]

I always felt like a fraud. I was like, I'm not really.

[C]

You aren't really a Jeep owner.

[A]

I'm not really one of you.

[C]

Spirit.

[B]

Skateboard. It's skateboard. Yes. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Did Aaron say fraud? And you thought about skateboard?

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

The shrug. The little shrug.

[C]

I think airplane's just as good.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. As a skateboard, maybe better. I think. I think airplanes are even better than skateboards.

[D]

Yeah. Let's play fucking Tony Hawk's plane.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene. We'll have you two be cool kids at the skate park and adol. You are a dad that used to skateboard, and you're trying to, like, hang and be as cool as them.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

Kick flat. Dang.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm going to try pop shoving. Okay. I never get one of these. I never do one of these. Okay, let's.

[C]

Do it again. Do it again.

[B]

Okay. I got to be in the zone. I got to be in the zone. Whoa. Hey, hey. I got that. I got that.

[D]

Oh, darn. Yeah. 23 Skidoo.

[C]

What?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Hey, mister, you all right?

[B]

You. You fell down pretty hard there.

[D]

No, no, no, Stay back, Stay back.

[C]

Stay down. Don't get up. Don't get up, man.

[D]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

I'm fine.

[D]

I'm fine.

[C]

Dude, your Pants are ripped bad.

[D]

Oh, my Toxics.

[B]

It looks like you're bleeding out of, like, your leg.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

Yeah, man, I can see your underwear and it's filling with blood.

[D]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

Don't stand up. Don't stand up.

[B]

I think it was. Did you have tomatoes in your pocket? No.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Hey, Brian, I'm gonna call my dad.

[B]

Yeah, my dad's an ear, nose and throat surgeon, so he might be able to help with what I'm doing.

[D]

I think it's my testicles.

[C]

Oh, my God, dude, don't show us your testicles.

[B]

Yeah, we're kids.

[C]

Hey, mister.

[B]

Hey, mister, we're kids. We're 14 and 15, so please don't show us your testicles.

[D]

The tomatoes. Those are. I have. So can you go get a grown up? Go get a grown up.

[C]

Hey, mister, one of your eyes is facing the wrong direction.

[D]

Oh, no, not again.

[B]

It's a skate park, man. There are no grownups here. It's just me and my shitbag friends.

[C]

Yeah, man, There aren't supposed to be any grownups. What are you even doing here, man?

[D]

Here, let me.

[C]

Oh, my God, your testicles. Swell.

[D]

Let me get out my wallet.

[B]

Where did you get that old, like, Bart Simpson looking skateboard? I've never seen a skateboard like that.

[C]

It's so wide.

[D]

I was. You know the arcade machine? The Simpsons arcade machine with the four players. And like, Homer has a bowling bag, has a vacuum.

[C]

I guess.

[B]

I guess I know the theory of what you're saying.

[C]

I understand everything you're saying. I know what Simpsons is.

[D]

I don't remember what Lisa had, but Bart had a skateboard. But I won the 1987 championships and they gave me a replic.

[C]

1987?

[B]

Wait, 87?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That's like 10 years before either one of us were born.

[C]

Yeah, and two years before the Simpsons.

[D]

Well, this is like Tracy Ullman show.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Hey, you're pretty cool, man.

[B]

What?

[D]

Hold on, let me get out my phone. Can you say that again? Record.

[B]

Oh, that's your phone.

[D]

What's up?

[C]

It has an antenna.

[A]

Hey, guys. Working on your jump? Oh, my God. Sorry. My dad's here.

[B]

This is your dad? Your dad?

[D]

Carol.

[C]

Hey, Carol, your dad knows about the.

[B]

Tracy Ullman show and I think his testicles exploded. No. No.

[C]

Yeah, one of them's getting real big.

[A]

Sorry, guys. My dad sucks. He named me Carol and I'm like a child. And that's sort of a lot after Carol Channing. It's horrible. And he wanted to connect with Me? Because he knows I love skateboarding. We can sort of skate away. You don't have to talk to my dad.

[C]

Yeah, we can go, Carol, if you want. But seriously, I think your dad's severely injured.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And that's still not gonna bring mom back. Let's go, boys.

[D]

The most beautiful girl in the world. I love.

[B]

Hey, man, you can't say, like, oh, no, I forgot that you're her dad.

[D]

My daughter.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's fine. Still weird.

[C]

Weird for you to say it when we can see you're nuts.

[B]

I just. I had a gut reaction when an old man said that about Carol, who's a friend of mine.

[C]

We got defensive for Carol.

[B]

Carol.

[A]

Let's go to 7 11.

[B]

You could have named her after the movie Carol.

[C]

That would be cool.

[B]

That would be cool as hell.

[D]

I've never seen it. Skibidi.

[B]

You've never seen Carol Skibidi.

[C]

You sound pathetic, man.

[A]

Sorry, guys. The divorce has really hit him like a ton of bricks.

[D]

It's not finalized yet. There's still a chance.

[B]

I don't think so, man. I don't.

[A]

She's in love with someone else. I feel like that curtain's on you, dad.

[D]

Quick, somebody wear my clothes. And do a cool trip.

[B]

Stop trying to take your pants off.

[C]

Holy crap. Sir, nobody's putting on your clothes.

[B]

This guy just got all his clothes off. No one's gonna stop. And, yeah, good luck getting your clothes off because your whole leg is so.

[C]

Swollen at this point, you're not getting those fresh cuts.

[A]

Wear your clothes and then film themselves doing a trick to send a mom. That's weird.

[D]

Stomach.

[C]

I bet you can't. Sir, your testicle is the size of a Nerf.

[B]

It looks like your stomach is. Is filling up with dead blood. I know Nerf.

[D]

I know Nerf.

[C]

Everybody knows Nerf.

[B]

Nerf. We're still kid.

[C]

Carol's right. Let's get to 7:11.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

My sister did win a. Won a skateboard. She won a skateboard from Pizza Hut. And it was. It looked like it was like the width of a coffee table and it said Dr. Pepper on it.

[D]

That's the most 1997. You know how it's like, yeah, for sale, baby shoes. Never worn. The saddest sentence of all time.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Right.

[D]

One skateboard from Pizza Hut. Dr. Pepper, double wide 90s sentence ever concocted. That rules. Does she still have it?

[C]

God, no.

[A]

I'm sure she's a famous skateboarder now on that skateboard.

[C]

Yeah. Maybe you've heard of her. Her Name is insert someone other than Tony Hawk.

[B]

Bam Margera.

[C]

Yeah. Maybe you've heard of Bam.

[A]

I thought he was a wrestler.

[B]

No, that's Bam.

[D]

Bam Bigelow.

[B]

That could be Bam. Bam Bigelow.

[A]

Bam Margera. Bam Margera.

[B]

He's.

[A]

Oh, Bam Margera.

[B]

Yes. But. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't use the French pronunciation of Margera.

[A]

This has happened to me before. What are the consonants in that name?

[B]

Bam.

[C]

Bam. Bam is, as you say, B, A, M. Yes. And then Margera is. I think it's M A, R, G, E, R, A.

[B]

If this was my Jeopardy. I would be out.

[D]

It does sound like something Gomez would say to Morticia. Bam Margera.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Or it sounds like I'm trying to say something and I've just burnt my tongue into oblivion.

[B]

I remember we used to get on my little brother's goat because we would play Tony Hawk, pro skater. I want to say three. And in that they would let you design your own character. And we made a character whose name was Bam Marinara.

[D]

He would.

[B]

Okay. Constantly beat up as Bam Marinara. And he's like, that's not his name. And we're like, yeah, no, it is his name. That man's name is Bam Marinara and he's a skateboarder.

[A]

I'm so glad I don't have brothers. That sounds so exhausting.

[B]

It was. Yeah. Well, Aaron, I think specifically it would be exhausting if it were me, your brother.

[D]

Aaron, you ever go on ebay and just type in Aggro Crag and see if you can buy a piece of the Rock?

[B]

Rock?

[A]

No, but I will now.

[C]

I remember the Aggro Crag.

[D]

You ever watched Nickelodeon Guts?

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'm trying to get. What was that Nickelodeon show? The Temple 1.

[C]

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trying to get that whole set off ebay.

[D]

The hall of Olmec.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All of Holmec. Oh, man. Okay, let's do this one. This one is going to be a riddle from Ben. So this is a corrupt and evil Bam from Ben Merger from Ben Martinelli. A corrupt and evil king had been condemning and putting people to death. All executions happen in public. And for the appearance of fairness, the king has stipulated that even though he knows a person is guilty, they will get a chance to live the moment before an execution by beheading. The condemned will be presented with two small pieces of folded paper. The king says that one piece of paper is written innocent and the other is written guilty. The condemned must take one of the pieces of Paper, Unfold it and show it to the crowd. If they choose innocent, they are free to go. If they choose guilty, they are immediately beheaded. One day, the king condemns you. Up to now, everyone condemned has chosen the piece of paper that says guilty and has been beheaded. You assume that both pieces of paper say guilty, and you are correct. Ooh.

[A]

Okay, this is a really sad story.

[B]

You got tune in next week. The question is, how do you survive 5.

[C]

Oh. Both pieces of paper say guilty.

[D]

I think. Let me finish. This is going to sound dumb.

[B]

You're allowed to think.

[D]

I think you go. You make a big meal of being like, ooh, eeny, meeny. As fast as you can, you grab both pieces and you open them and show them to the crowd and go, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

You're going to get killed. You're going to get double killed.

[B]

I think. I think that you're going to get. In that instance, you're going to get.

[A]

Double killed BYO paper.

[B]

I think everybody. I think everybody kind of knows the score with this thing. But, yeah, if you can't bring my.

[A]

Own paper and have it say innocent and then go, how do you know? It's.

[C]

Ostensibly, one says innocent, it doesn't say not guilty. It says either innocent or guilty.

[B]

Innocent or guilty are the things that these two pieces of paper say. But again, so everyone assume that they both say guilty and you are correct.

[D]

So the crowd knows and they don't care. So it's not like. It's not like you pull. You do pull one, and then you go, just before I die to show the other one, you know what? But that nobody cares.

[B]

I will say, here's what I will say. Yeah, it's not that the crowd knows. It's that, you know, but how are you going to get the crowd to, like, you know, how are you going to survive this ordeal?

[A]

And I can't bring my own paper.

[B]

That says innocent on it. Man, I would love it if you could, but you can't because it has to be in the King's handwriting. And this is.

[C]

I'm assuming we're not going to get out of this by getting the crowd on our side and leading a revolution.

[B]

I mean, maybe not. I will say that that might be the way that you get out of this, but it's not. It's not the operative part of this answer. I say we, I guess.

[A]

Does it have to do with something you say?

[B]

No, it has nothing to do with something that you say.

[D]

Is this like the plot of that Denzel Washington movie. Where he stays.

[B]

Which one?

[D]

Inside the Bank Glory.

[A]

Inside Man.

[C]

I love Inside.

[A]

I love Inside man too. They marketed it wrong.

[B]

Yeah, I'd say.

[C]

Totally underrated.

[B]

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three. Actually, that's what this is. The remake.

[C]

It's the remake.

[B]

I know Denzel wasn't in the original, and I don't know that he was in the remake, but he was. He was.

[C]

It was him and Travolta.

[B]

And it was him and Travolta.

[C]

The original is great.

[B]

The original's fun. Did Travolta. Did he have his real hair for that?

[D]

I don't think he ever had his real hair.

[B]

No.

[A]

He's just a series of wigs.

[B]

He's a series of wigs. Did you know he's wigs all the way down.

[C]

Not even a man.

[A]

Not even a man.

[B]

Created.

[C]

He's a pelican apartment in 1975.

[B]

He's wigs on a credit card commercial. You want some clues? I have some clues for you. This might help spark something. Your first clue is your hands are free.

[D]

Doesn't this In Greece. Doesn't it sound like he. He's only seen people laugh and he was like. He goes.

[A]

He's only ever seen it written down.

[B]

That's so funny. He's only ever seen a.

[D]

He's seen a H, A, H, A. And he's like, uh huh, uh huh.

[B]

I would love for Joshville to be like. Like. I didn't know how laughter was pronounced. You what?

[D]

It's like clean Marshera.

[A]

He was created by a costume department in 1975. So fucking funny. I got a rolling laugh of that.

[D]

Sorry, James. What was the first?

[B]

Your hands are free.

[C]

Your hands are free.

[B]

You may not speak at all on the execution platform. If you do, you will be immediately executed.

[D]

Does that include, like, noises? Whistling?

[B]

Or you can do some of your classic Michael Winslow helicopter landing. The executioner is just hand sweating out the ax, waiting for you to, like, say something that's like Peter Frampton. Like, guitar kind of sounds like a person speaking, but as long as you keep it Frampton.

[D]

I stall until Tackleberry can take the shot.

[B]

Tackleberry.

[C]

Do I sweet ch.

[A]

Like, fold it in a certain way that makes it look like it says innocent? Do I like.

[B]

That's so fun or do I, like, combine?

[C]

That was my thought originally. Can we manipulate the letters?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not. That's not the answer. But I love where your head's at.

[C]

There's some kind of sign language going on. My hands are Free.

[B]

Your hands are free.

[C]

I can't say anything, but I can show something. I can demonstrate.

[B]

You may not signal or gesture in any way that you know that both pieces of paper have guilty written on them. Okay. So that clue implies that the crowd does not.

[A]

I sneeze. And the paper shows. I. I sneeze so hard the paper whips up.

[B]

The answer will not be in any way showing both pieces of paper to the audience. I will say that because.

[A]

Because again, so you can't say this is about to say guilty. Because they both say guilty.

[B]

No. And I think that it would be taken as, like, the ravings of.

[C]

This is the job. I like. I like JPC's job. I like being the person, his life. I have all the power.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'm giving. I'm giving you better clues than you think. And you all see, and we all seem dumb.

[B]

Okay, Your next clue is that you are, in a way, using the King's trick against him.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Because he's put guilty on both of these papers. You know that the audience doesn't know that. And you're going to use his trick against them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

One and only one piece of paper must be shown to the public. That's your. That's. That's a big clue.

[D]

One's a piece of paper.

[B]

This whole. The whole solution to this revolves around them only seeing one piece of paper.

[C]

Is it a third piece of paper?

[B]

Oh, it's one.

[D]

Oh, is it something of like you. If you, like, swallow the piece of paper at all, the only way, of course, they'll be like, well, we have the other piece of paper to tell. And when they got to show that.

[C]

Wait a while.

[D]

Wait, what? That would be amazing. If the King's like, no, no, no.

[B]

No, don't show him that paper.

[C]

The next day you eat it again.

[A]

Everyone's standing inside.

[C]

Every day you reheat the paper.

[D]

I do want to see a scene.

[B]

Well, you got the answer. The answer is you eat one of the pieces of paper very quickly, they are forced to show the remaining piece of paper. If they show the piece of paper that's remaining that says guilty, you have to assume that you ate the piece of paper that said innocent. So you are.

[C]

You actually got it by eating it.

[D]

I do think. Think Joey's right where it's like any sort of monarch is going to be like, we'll simply like, Vlad the Impaler's, like, cut the man open. Like, what do we. I do want to see a scene. Jpc, you are a. You are the king of the land. Joey and Aaron, you are a sort of duo who's been sentenced to death. But you're like a vaudeville couple, and you're trying to stall. This makes sense, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

This ain't no more gypsy. You're the King of Peoria. And this is. You're trying to stall your death.

[B]

As we all know, it is illegal in this land. Punishable by death. Death. Yes. Yeah. People are ready for death. To dance in the king's dance hall. You, too, have been convicted fairly. Everybody saw I was fair in the court of the king. And you ought to be put to death. As is our custom, I give you last words. So if you have any last words, you may speak them now.

[A]

Hmm. You said punishable.

[C]

Your words.

[B]

Yes. You're to be executed. Yeah. Gets it.

[A]

So it sounds like you want us to do puns.

[B]

What?

[C]

We're only telling you what we heard. From your own mouth. Your Majesty.

[B]

Wait, what is this? What's going on?

[A]

What is this?

[B]

Did I say puns? You there. The person in the crowd is enthusiastic. Did I say puns? Death. I think that might be a bird. Last words. These are your last words? Most people do, like a prayer or something not to tell you how to do your last words. But.

[A]

Didn'T.

[B]

Hold on, hold on.

[C]

If these are the last words I can speak in my entire life, take me, please, away from my wife.

[A]

But wait, Is my husband gonna be in the afterlife? Oh, brother.

[B]

Okay. This rules, does it? Let him finish. All right. The bird's right. I like where this is going.

[A]

Oh, good. I hope the afterlife has the baseball game. Because he'll complain if it doesn't. The wife isn't rhyming.

[B]

The wife's not rhyming. This almost feels like a routine, right?

[A]

Oh, I hope my sister's there. Cause who's he gonna flirt with? Oh, boy.

[B]

It has the delivery of jokes.

[D]

Workshopping.

[C]

Moving on from this life. Ooh, that'd be swell. I can't wait to go wherever's next. Cause I'm living in hell. I love baseball.

[B]

So what is the vaudeville? Are you part of the routine?

[C]

Hey, hey, take it easy. We're just pitching here.

[B]

We're just pitching. I love baseball. You do what now?

[A]

I'll catch whatever you throw at me next.

[B]

What the fuck would that mean? All right, here's what.

[D]

Second wife. Second wife.

[C]

You asked for. You asked for this punishment.

[B]

What? Here's what we'll do. You. We're killing you.

[A]

Oh, okay. As long as I get to go to heaven.

[B]

Kid. Do I. I'm looking at my knights in the background. Do I not get the joke or him? He's good.

[A]

Knock, knock.

[B]

Okay, here we go. You'll like this.

[A]

A knock, knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[A]

You go.

[B]

You go. Who?

[A]

No, you. You start the joke. You say it.

[B]

Okay. Kill him.

[C]

You've already.

[B]

Where's the sword? I'll. You go. You start the joke. Hey, why don't everyone. Why don't. Why don't you go take a little break and we'll be right back.

[A]

Redo it.

[B]

That, I think.

[C]

So go.

[B]

We'll be right back with a little more. Hey, riddle. Riddle.

[A]

Oh, brother.

[D]

I've done a GBC here and I've done it. I found a way. What this time for the three of us, specifically just the three of us, to breathe in space. Does that make sense?

[A]

Casey walks away kicking rocks. Hands in pockets.

[D]

Sorry, buddy. Maybe next time.

[B]

Oh, boy. You know what? I feel bad. I feel bad that Casey's not gonna be able to breathe in space. What if we do this? What if we pool our money and get him in on whatever technology at all is going to unveil to us?

[D]

What if we just pull our money and buy them a subscription to Rocket Money? That's more useful, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money. Why didn't I think of that?

[A]

Mm. In Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the apps. Apps, Premium features. I've been using Rocket Money long before they were a sponsor. I love it. It helps me keep track of my spending, and it, like, will send me alerts if there's a big spend. And then it will also put them in all these really beautiful color coded categories. Very satisfying.

[D]

Yeah. Look, I have Casey's bank information here.

[B]

Of course. We all do.

[D]

Look what he's paying for. He's paying for Sleep Monthly magazine. What is that?

[A]

Oh, my God. He subscribes to every other Riddle podcast but ours.

[B]

Oh, my God. You should sleep, D. You should not be. That's way too little sleep. And also, Rocket Money makes it easy to save for goals. Like, if you want to save up enough money to breeze in space, Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside. And Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to.

[A]

That's a great Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com Riddle today. That's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle Casey, good news. You can't breathe in space. I don't know how to deliver news.

[B]

But we can eats little fish.

[D]

$28 for hot editors Weekly.

[B]

I should be daily too.

[A]

I get that one, too.

[B]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Oh, did you get it? Did he get it on camera?

[D]

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

[A]

No, me neither.

[B]

Guys, come on. I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick. I keep hitting myself in the junk going down this rail the exact same way every time. And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

[A]

Adeline and Aaron make eye contact.

[D]

Wink, wink, wink.

[A]

No.

[D]

Well, of course we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace. Yeah, we're using Squarespace for all your goofs and slips and gags.

[B]

It's the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a write. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

[A]

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're gonna have to do a few thousand more times, upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

[B]

But all the videos so far are like, you guys in like, your face. It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

[D]

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics jpc. I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it. Analytics. Because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built in analytics tools. We can review website traffic. We've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you. Learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us. Laughing at you. And track revenue from bookings, invoices or product sales.

[B]

You know what? I don't care. I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make. I think the content is going to stand on its own. I think I'm going to be successful. And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[D]

JPC, why don't you do a flip ollie over that bookcase?

[B]

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

[A]

Take, take, take. Hundred.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore. Uh oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

[D]

Oh boy.

[A]

Oh, I like it. Less.

[D]

Jealous much? New coat, new shirt, new pants.

[B]

Adol, you didn't get those from the emperor, did you? You?

[D]

No. I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

[A]

Oh, I knew it. And everyone says he was. And I knew he wasn't. I felt like I knew he wasn't.

[B]

Interesting that my experience with the emperor. His clothes are awesome.

[A]

Adol, your clothes look fantastic. They look like very expensive. That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

[D]

No, actually we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money. But this was actually very cheap in terms of money. This is from Quince, my good lady.

[A]

I love quince.

[D]

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non stop. Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Touch, please touch. Starting at just $60. That's bonkers.

[B]

$60?

[D]

Yeah, $60.

[A]

Their denim is durable and fits right. And their real leather jackets bring the clean classic edge without the elevated price tag. I have sheets from quints. I got a skirt from Quince. I love quints.

[D]

On the walk over here wearing quints, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy? That's clearly like somebody's little brother. Like Nathan. Nathan Levi's cousin or something taller.

[B]

Younger brother. And what makes quints different? Well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen. So you get top tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands. And middlemen are flipping out about it. I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head. He was so mad at Quint.

[D]

Is he okay?

[B]

No, he looks really distressed. Personally, I love my Lightweight hoodie. I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather. It's kind of the in between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes. It's awesome. It's like a must have staple of my wardrobe.

[A]

And I got my eye on some boots at Quint's for the fall. Just a tall boot. I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited. I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color. Come back to me. Come back to me.

[D]

Sounds good. Friends puts on sunglasses. So keep it classic and cool this fall with long lasting staples from quince. Go to quince.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com riddle free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com riddle adol I have got Aaron.

[B]

On a joke website. I'm about to sell her chocolate boots. I think she's gonna walk around.

[A]

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

[D]

I will stay and watch this.

[A]

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

[B]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[A]

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using. I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for 5 cents. She's being like really mean to me. And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went, Are you, are you joking? That's so embarrassing. And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward. I need to find a better solution.

[D]

Nuts.

[B]

Aaron, you can't be doing that. You gotta do what I do. You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into.

[D]

The ocean or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

[B]

Oh yeah. Okay. Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five suit booth. From what sounds like a comic. Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

[D]

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient as well. You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button. Helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume. Plus switch therapists at any time.

[A]

In BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US they're not.

[D]

Going to move a football on you. Aaron.

[B]

Aaron. They won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back. In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

[A]

Hmm. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences in their 10 plus years of experience. An industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch switch to a different therapist anytime to your tailored needs. Whenever. Whenever.

[B]

And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp, our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com Riddle that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Riddle Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's me. I'm in the booth. I'm in the booth.

[D]

Oh, nice one.

[A]

Well, I'm gonna go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

[B]

I'm gonna let her have it this time. I'm gonna let her have it. Hey, Adol. Hey, Aaron. Can I tell you something that I'm kind of, like, ashamed of?

[A]

Yeah, of course. Always.

[B]

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month and it's all around Christmas time. So we used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts. And sometimes we would just get combo gifts together. And I would always tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego. And then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

[D]

How do you put together one big Lego?

[B]

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

[A]

I mean, you didn't really understand finances. You didn't have anything like Acorns early when you were growing up. So how are you supposed to know?

[D]

Hey, kids, it's me, birthday Santa.

[B]

Birthday Santa.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

You're real.

[D]

Yes. And I want to tell you about Acorns early, which is something jbc it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had.

[B]

Yeah, we could have used.

[D]

Yeah, absolutely. Acorns early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they grow up.

[B]

Oh, so cool. You can start with in app Chores tracker and teach your kids the value of adults. Then let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

[A]

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real time spend notifications, parents always stay in control. And I mean I would have loved having this growing up. I would know way more about money than I do right now.

[D]

Right, right. I mean, but I'm like a newer thing. Like I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas. I understand, but all kids. Kids. But it's. Anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change quarters, et cetera. But these days there's so much more that kids need to know about money.

[A]

Hehehe.

[D]

Acorns early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

[B]

And I love the Acorns early app. I've played around in here. My kids a little too young to start it right now because they're kind of like a little toddler. But I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a person that exists in the world nowadays.

[D]

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world. Who said I wasn't?

[B]

Yeah. No. Anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend, get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com heyriddle or download the Acorns early app. That's one month free when you sign up at acornserly.com/hey riddle Acorns early card.

[D]

Is issued by community Federal Savings Bank Member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Free trial to new subscribers only subscription fee starting for $5 per month unless canceled terms apply to acorns.com earlyterms He Santa needs to lay down. I mean, I mean birthday Santa needs to lay down love.

[A]

Whatever your thing is, man, don't stress.

[B]

Okay, we are back and we're gonna do some riddles now that were submitted. This actually it's kind of like a riddle game. It's a game within a game that was submitted by Elvis Brown. They them Elvis Brown has presented sets of riddles.

[D]

Oh God.

[B]

And in each set.

[A]

Oh God.

[B]

In each set one of the riddles is a real riddle with a real answer. I think that they say it's like it's a real bad riddle and the other riddle is a decoy. Riddle that is just like nonsense and doesn't have an answer. Oh, you have a two part job here. First part is to pick which riddle is the real one, which one's the fake one.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

And then to solve the real riddle. Cool. Okay, so here's your first set of riddles.

[D]

And just to be clear, the red herring has no answer. There's no.

[C]

Hell, I bet we could scratch our.

[B]

Brains and kind of come up with one. But I think. I think that on purpose. They're just supposed to be. It's supposed to have. It's like Aaron's vaudeville and act where it's got the.

[A]

Hold on. That was perfect.

[B]

It's got the essence of vaudeville, but it doesn't necessarily.

[C]

My wife.

[D]

It's vaudeville shaped.

[C]

So if we can. If we can solve one, it's probably the. The true riddle.

[B]

That's correct. That's. That's a good way to know. So here's your first set. What is always on its way but never arrives.

[C]

That's your first.

[B]

That's your first riddle. And the second one is. What is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven? 7.

[D]

I know the answer to the first one.

[C]

That must be real.

[D]

What is always on its way but never arrives?

[B]

Tomorrow.

[D]

The future or the future.

[A]

Future.

[B]

Yeah, that would. That would be, I guess, an answer to the riddle that is listed as the fake riddle.

[A]

No, that's the other one.

[B]

But that is like an acceptable answer to that fake riddle.

[C]

Yeah, that's tomorrow. The other one's like about like. What's the other one? So the other one's supposed to be real.

[B]

The other one has an answer.

[C]

It makes tears. What.

[B]

What is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?

[D]

Jalapenos.

[C]

Angel onions.

[A]

Angel onions.

[D]

Angel onions. Angel onions.

[B]

It is not angel onions. And it's not jalapeno.

[A]

Can you read it again?

[B]

Tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven. The journey to heaven is the one that the onions and the jalapenos are a balloon.

[A]

A child to let go of.

[B]

Yes, that is a. Is that an acceptable answer if the balloon's.

[D]

The kid's gonna be crying.

[B]

Yeah, but that's sorrowful.

[A]

Maybe he's crying from joy.

[B]

He's crying from joy.

[C]

Loves seeing it ascend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was abused by a balloon.

[A]

And that balloon was his new stepdad. And he's happy to see himself.

[C]

Young Isaac Newton. And he is like, buoyancy.

[A]

It works.

[B]

I do think I want to see a scene. We're going to See a scene where, Joey, you're going to be playing Aaron's mother. You're introducing Aaron to her new stepdad, and it's adult and you're a balloon with, like, a face drawn on it.

[D]

Hey.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[D]

And can I just, very quickly, I just need to say. Yeah, there could be some sort of, I don't know, minor league sports scene. That's like the Santa Fe angel onions. Or the. The Montgomery, Alabama. The Montgomery, Alabama balloon stepdads.

[C]

Did we solve that riddle?

[D]

Just putting it up.

[B]

Oh, okay. It was so far away.

[A]

This happens so often on the show that we'll do a scene and then he'll start reading the riddle again and I'll go, fuck.

[C]

Okay. I just wasn't sure if we had. If he had said balloons is acceptable.

[B]

Balloons is not acceptable. But it is an acceptable scene and I do want to see it. Great.

[C]

Yeah, it makes sense. Hey, Kelly, can you come in here, please?

[A]

Yeah, I'm just finishing up my homework. What's up? Remember, you're dressed nice.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

You're welcome.

[C]

Well, that's not by accident. I'm going out to dinner with Max. You remember I talked about.

[A]

Yeah, he was on that dating app. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's right. That's right. And, you know, we've seen each other once or twice, and I think it's time that you meet Max.

[A]

Okay. But, Mom, I'm so sorry. Your track record with some of these guys has been a little.

[C]

I know. Well, first off, I don't need you to tell me how to date.

[A]

I know. Of course. I trust.

[B]

But you're not wrong.

[C]

You're not wrong.

[A]

I trust you. And I just. I'm to ask this, and it's going to sound so condescending, but is this. I'm sorry. It's not an object with a face on it. It's not like a monkey with googly eyes?

[D]

Kelly, my ears are burning. Well, you get it. Hi.

[A]

Is he at the door? Is that him?

[C]

He's right here. Here he is.

[D]

Up here. Look up.

[C]

That's the sound it makes when I rub the back of his head.

[A]

Okay, now your hair's all staticky, so it's nice to meet you.

[C]

Max, this is Ma. Max, this is Kelly.

[D]

Enchante. I know what you're thinking. He's so tall. Kidding. He's a balloon with a face dried on him.

[A]

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

[B]

Of course.

[C]

I'm sorry, Max. I told you this might happen. But my daughter comes first.

[D]

Hey, no worries. I respect Your boundaries.

[A]

It's not that. He's a balloon with a face on it. He works at my school. Mom.

[C]

Wait.

[A]

He worked at my school? Everyone's gonna make fun of me.

[C]

He's a guidance counselor.

[A]

He told me that he's the happy balloon at our school that they hand kids when they're going through a hard time.

[C]

Oh, well, no, I think this is a great opportunity, Kelly. Oh, God, he's so sweet. And he's so funny. No wonder they hand him to kids when they're upset.

[D]

Better deflate than never.

[B]

All right, See?

[D]

Close the window. Close the window. Close the window. Close the window. Close the window.

[B]

We cut to Kelly's school. Watch your step, Kelly. There's some sawdust on the ground because someone got sick, and I'm just cleaning it up.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hey, when's that mom of yours gonna get off her high horse and give me a second date?

[A]

Oh, she's moved on.

[B]

What?

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

She's moving.

[A]

Sorry, mop with googly eyes. That also worked in my school.

[B]

My name is Mr. Jameson. I'm sorry, Mr. Jameson, while we're at school. Sorry, Mr. Davison, not googly eyes. That is a really reductive way to describe someone's eyes.

[A]

Okay, well, you're a mop with eyes.

[B]

Eyes. Thank you. Googly. Unnecessary.

[A]

Obviously, you guys had, like, a sexual connection or something.

[B]

Well, I don't mean to speak out of school.

[A]

No, you don't have to. Then. Then don't.

[B]

Quite a mop, right?

[A]

She's. She seems really in love.

[B]

I got a little extra handle, if you know what I'm saying. But a lot of mops a little bit shorter. You understand? Get to. If you.

[A]

No, hold. If you happen to have something sharp, though, I think that the Runway would kind of clear for you to go back into her life. But you didn't hear that.

[B]

You're talking about killing somebody.

[A]

No, I'm not talking about killing.

[B]

You know, popping a balloon with a face drone on it would kill the balloon. Right?

[D]

And we cut to the guidance counselor. So Mr. Jameson said you wanted to kill me?

[A]

No, I didn't say that.

[D]

He has a recording. I think you underestimate what inanimate objects with faces can do.

[A]

I wish I went to a real school so bad. Well, this place is so haunted. I hate it here. I'm not getting a good education at all.

[D]

This is a real school, okay? Your grades do transfer.

[A]

All right, well, my teacher is a.

[D]

Ruler, and I know what you're thinking. Hey, eyes Rama. Did I get bonked on the Head. I'm in a cone.

[A]

I ask that every day. I also ask if the school got struck by lightning and there was a curse put on it.

[D]

Listen, your mom is hiding in the closet, and she has something. Well, we both have something important to tell you, which is I will freak.

[A]

Out if you're having a balloon baby.

[C]

I'm pregnant, Pop.

[B]

Was it mine?

[D]

I feel like she can hear it.

[B]

I feel like she can hear it.

[D]

You're definitely in a coma.

[B]

Oh, God. That would legitimately.

[A]

Eren, what is the answer to that.

[B]

Riddle that would kill the balloon.

[A]

That.

[B]

Would not hold up sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?

[D]

Tears with and balloon was close or no?

[C]

Is it human tears? We're definitely talking about human tears.

[B]

Yeah, it would definitely make your eyes water. Balloon, I think, was not close. Smoke, Aaron. And smoke. Whoa. Yeah.

[C]

Because it rises.

[B]

All right, give me another one, Aaron. You ready for another one?

[A]

Yeah, I get that one off me.

[B]

Okay, so that one didn't quite work out because you immediately came up to a pretty plausible answer to the first fake riddle. But let's try. Let's try a second set. The second set. Here we go. The second set is. I rise and fall, no matter what. Only at finals rest do I not budge. What am I? That's your first one.

[D]

I rise and fall.

[B]

Without rest, I rise and fall no matter what.

[D]

No matter what.

[B]

Only at finals rest do I not budge. What am I? And then the next one is. Is I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, Yet I do all three. What am I all three? I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three.

[A]

What's three?

[C]

That's two things.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, could.

[B]

Could drive. Could drive a fella crazy. Yeah. So remember the first one. Go.

[C]

Rises and falls.

[B]

Rise no matter what.

[C]

It seems like, like, too on the nose to be.

[B]

Like, only at final rest. Do not budge.

[C]

Like at final rest.

[B]

Is.

[C]

Is that like death?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you. You rise and fall because it's like. You're.

[B]

Like.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's your ekg.

[D]

The coma machine.

[B]

Yeah, they call them coma machines.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

This guy's on Jeopardy, and he thinks that ekg.

[D]

Well, the Smith Scholar.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

I will say that. That the coma machine, slash ekg, I think works pretty well for this riddle. It's not the one that they said.

[C]

But they do have an answer to that one. And the other one is just completely.

[B]

Yeah, that. You got that.

[C]

The other, like, here's two Verbs. And now we say three isn't like a. I thought this was gonna be a clever jpc.

[A]

You are a head surgeon and adol. You're a nurse at scrubbing in and some. There's been like a technology breakdown. So you've got one. Gotten one of the interns to do be the EK trip played by Joey. And you're doing. You're a little nervous.

[B]

So we've got the rest of the situation figured out because of the blackout. We have candles, obviously, and enough, you know, light in here. I think everyone has enough light in here.

[D]

Beep.

[B]

Great. The one thing that we don't have is a working. And you don't have to start yet.

[C]

Oh, sorry. I was just feeling the pulse.

[B]

No. Great.

[D]

Oh, flatline, doctor. Flatline.

[B]

Well, hold on.

[C]

No, it's still beeping.

[B]

It's still. But we just.

[D]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

This is kind of the pre surgery.

[D]

It's like Amish surgery.

[B]

Huh?

[D]

I'm.

[C]

That's offensive. You say I'm Mennonite.

[B]

Mennonite surgery, please.

[D]

Men at night.

[B]

Well, that's what we're all here doing, talking about, hey, guys, I'm a head surgeon and this guy's head is like, pretty much fucked.

[D]

Well, he got punched by the knockout machine. Mike Tyson.

[B]

Yeah. So we have to really focus on here. Look at his head. Ben, that's not your job. I'm sorry. Okay. You're supposed to be looking at his heart. Yeah. So Ben's gonna do.

[C]

Do you want a regular beep or do you want me to just every. Every now. Every now and again.

[B]

Oh, I need regular.

[C]

Yeah, but I could just save it for if he goes out. If he goes out, then I can give you.

[B]

Oh, no, that's interesting.

[D]

Doctor, could I do a fun one?

[C]

I have. Perfect.

[D]

Let me get a.

[B]

Let me beep.

[D]

Let me get a. Whoa, whoa.

[B]

That's R. Kelly. We can't.

[D]

Oh, right.

[B]

Yeah. Tap the sound. God.

[C]

Yeah, that was really offensive. I'm Mennonite. I'm a Mennonite.

[B]

You can't say R. Kelly to a Mennonite. What are you doing? What are you doing?

[D]

I'm sorry, I just.

[B]

Okay, that's actually an interesting point. We actually don't need, like, all of the beeps if you want to just give us the important beeps. Like beeps if things change.

[C]

Yeah, okay. You got it. You got it, right?

[D]

Because, like, put an emphasis on the beep. So if everything's fine, be like beep.

[B]

Like casual beating up. Oh, no, that's your.

[D]

Okay, that means We're.

[B]

Oh, no. We never have to hurry. We never have to hurry. Let's take our time.

[C]

You don't want to rush head surgery.

[B]

Yeah, because. Oof. Yeah. You know, blood rushes to the head, so if we rush to the surgery. Yes, obviously, you know, pretty disastrous.

[C]

Also, it's a real honor to be in here with you guys. I know I'm just an intern.

[B]

That's. Yeah. You know, we all have to start somewhere.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Glenn was an intern once.

[D]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Did you ever have to be a machine?

[D]

I want to say yes, but I haven't. I feel like this is the first time.

[A]

I don't know when is a good time to say this, but I am awake.

[B]

Good.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, you're confused because it's nighttime and you're awake. That's okay. No, we're just doing surgery at nighttime.

[A]

I just.

[B]

It's kind of a breakfast for dinner situation.

[A]

I thought. I originally came in. My head really hurt so bad, and I fell asleep, and. And then you guys were talking, and I heard you, and I don't want to be impolite and interrupt you guys.

[D]

No. Oh, you must be so confused. There's so many candles. You must think you're in, like, a meatloaf music video or like a John Hughes film or like a John Hughes.

[A]

No, I've been in a meatloaf music video. I know.

[D]

Paradise on the National.

[B]

Honestly, if I had, just from looking at you, I would have guessed meatloaf music video and not John Hughes.

[A]

Can you put me under, please?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Can you put me under?

[C]

We can't do that because there's been a blackout.

[B]

Yeah, so we have to keep you awake, but we're going to track your heart.

[C]

Yeah, I'm tracking your heartbeat.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

If you think there's anything I should tell them, it's okay to tell me.

[A]

Okay, so I tell you, and then you tell them.

[C]

I'm kind of tracking it anyway.

[B]

Yeah, actually, that's really great, because your heart can't lie. So if you want to tell him anything that's going on with your heart, your hips can't lie. Okay, I'm confused because you're touching her hips. She's asleep.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[D]

Oh, we didn't even have her count back from 10.

[B]

Ooh, ooh, baby.

[D]

So many songs start with ooze.

[B]

Ooh, baby, I love you.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[B]

Okay, so, yeah, you landed on the. I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe yet I do all three, and that is fake. So the one that you're looking for is I rise and fall no matter what. Only at final rest do I not budge. What am I?

[A]

Elevator.

[D]

O.

[B]

Interesting. Yep. Elevator could work, too.

[C]

A rise and fall, no matter.

[B]

It's not elevator. That's not what we're looking for. Ekg. Machine works as well.

[A]

Tied.

[C]

The baton. A conductor's baton. Vital rest, we're done.

[B]

That works. This is more something that I will say everyone has. Not everyone has, but I guess, like marionette. Yeah. I don't want to be like, you heard me. Yeah. What was it? They gave it away. When I said everyone has it. I was like, oh, not everyone has. I guess a couple people don't.

[C]

Diaries.

[A]

A diary.

[B]

I think most people are like. I actually don't even know if most people are. I would say most people have these. A majority of people have these.

[D]

Lungs. Is it something? Is. Is it like a body part?

[B]

It's like a body part, yeah. Rises and falls, tongue, no matter what. Only at final rest do I not budge.

[D]

Rising, fall. Eyelid.

[B]

There's like a lot of like. Yeah, there's like a lot of body parts that this would apply to that eyelids would work, too.

[D]

Is final rest dead or sleep? Sleeping.

[B]

Final rest would be dead.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But there are people that believe that every time you go to sleep, you die. And a new you wakes up in the morning. You would never know. It's just like the Prestige, the Illusionist.

[A]

I try to gaslight adle every time.

[B]

These movies just like the Illusionist. You're thinking of Jessica Beale, Edward Norton.

[A]

It's not eyelids. It's not. But it's not you guys.

[B]

Basically, I don't even know.

[C]

It's the rise and fall. It's not the. It's not. Is it. Is it rising, falling and breathing?

[B]

No, it's. What did you say?

[C]

It's not breathing.

[B]

No, it's not breathing. The body parts, we all got them.

[A]

Feet.

[B]

Feet. It's feet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Let's do the next one. Here you go. Here's your third set of these riddles.

[C]

Got another set? I preferred the one that didn't have an answer. That sounded much more intriguing to be like, you only gave two things and there's a third.

[D]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah. That have been cool.

[B]

Maybe we'll. Maybe we'll have another one that you can't answer that you like more. Okay. Although I'm not an insect, some people found me very difficult to exterminate. They called me something like Insane Priest. The first half of my name means the same as scrape. And my last three letters are a medal. Who am I? And then we have.

[A]

That one has to be fake. I'm begging that one to be fake.

[C]

Throw me off the highest steel.

[B]

Throw me off the highest building. Building. And I'll not break. But put me in the ocean and I will leave a grieving wife.

[D]

Piece of paper. A piece of married paper.

[C]

Piece of married paper. Voice piece of wedding paper. Throw me off a building and I won't break through your voice. Off the building.

[B]

Do we have. All right, so what are our guesses for which one is the fake one?

[A]

I hope the first one's a fake one.

[C]

Man, I. That first one is a lot going on.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

The second one, paper is.

[B]

Why would paper leave a grieving life?

[A]

Because it would disintegrate.

[D]

Because paper kills. Water kills paper.

[C]

So sad.

[D]

But if you drop paper from a building, it doesn't.

[C]

Valuable station.

[B]

You know how women always be crying over paper? Is that your. That's your word?

[A]

Well, I would say assume paper is married to another piece of paper.

[B]

This is a married piece of paper. Okay, I want to see a scene. We're going to do a scene. Joey.

[A]

Oh, a bird.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. Joey and Aaron, you are both going to be playing Pieces of paper.

[D]

Vaudeville. Pieces of paper.

[A]

Oh, come on.

[B]

You've just been stapled together.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Aaron, you think that that means that you're married?

[A]

Great.

[B]

And that's. That's where we'll. We'll take it from there.

[A]

Where should we do Christmas?

[B]

Hey, hey, hey.

[A]

I was thinking maybe, I don't know, maybe your family's house. Do you have, like, Christmas traditions that you guys are really big on?

[C]

Look, I don't know. We don't really celebrate Christmas much in my family. You do whatever you want. You do whatever you want.

[A]

Okay, I'll go with you. I'll go with you.

[B]

Hey, hey, hey, Hey.

[C]

I think we need to take this out.

[A]

What.

[B]

Time? A date. Oh, my good. Oh, my good.

[A]

Oh, my good. Oh, my good. Oh, my God. We should go. Where should we go?

[C]

Okay, yeah, let's go outside. Let's go outside.

[B]

Let's go outside.

[A]

I love it. Okay, I was thinking for the nursery, maybe. Green, you're coming?

[C]

Hey, listen.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

We got stapled by accident.

[A]

Wait, what do you mean?

[C]

I. I'm a phone bill.

[A]

Wait, no, no.

[C]

You're a birthday card. We don't belong together. Some kid stapled us together for no reason. Okay, just Cuz staples are fun.

[A]

I think that's beautiful. I think.

[D]

Honey, don't stare. It's just a phone bill and a birthday card.

[B]

Don't stare. Why not? It's interesting.

[A]

Okay, well, you know what I think Any piece of paper can fall in love with any piece of paper. And if you only gave me a chance, I'm a really cute birthday card. It says over the hill, happy 40th birthday. And then in it someone said, I love you, Pete. Thank you. Thank you for your friendship.

[C]

Well, that's. That's really sweet. That's really sweet, but I'm not. I'm not a romantic, okay? I'm.

[A]

Yeah, you're all numbers.

[C]

I'm August Verizon.

[A]

Yeah, I get it. And yeah, no couple has ever enriched each other's lives where one is an emotional. Right. Brain type and the other is logic. You're right.

[C]

I don't deal well with being forced into this. Okay, Maybe if we'd met in a normal. Under normal circumstances.

[B]

But.

[C]

But we're pierced together.

[B]

You know what you should do, Pete?

[D]

Yeah? Yeah.

[B]

Since you know he's cheating, you should get him a 40th birthday card and staple the fucking phone bill into the birthday card.

[D]

That's so smart.

[B]

And then give it to him.

[D]

That's what I'll do.

[B]

Here. You're over the hill. He'll see the Verizon bill and he'll know that you know. Yes, that's. Oh, that's genius.

[D]

Perfect trap.

[B]

All right. Yes.

[C]

Yes, it is my birthday. You don't have to get me anything.

[D]

Busted.

[B]

What?

[D]

Cheating ass.

[C]

Hey, there's. I got a good explanation for this.

[D]

Oh, yeah? What?

[B]

Yeah, this gun. Oh, no.

[C]

Back off.

[D]

Don't do anything rash. Calm down. Just calm down.

[C]

Wait, what's that? What's that? Phone bill and birthday card.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

The 40th birthday card. Jumped in front of the gun to protect the phone bill.

[D]

Oh, I'm shot. Wait, no. The. The birthday card. No, I am shot. I am shot.

[A]

It's just paper. It goes through.

[D]

It's just paper.

[B]

Hold on, hold on. I can't operate on this birthday card card of a head surgeon now.

[D]

Joey. August. Verizon. That's Tennessee Williams. Yeah, my name is August Ve.

[C]

One act. Tennessee Williams. One act.

[B]

Play the Thor. Have the highest building on outbreak. Put me in the notion I'll leave a grieving wife.

[A]

It's not real.

[B]

It's. That's fake. That one's fake. So I'm going to give you.

[C]

So reread that crazy one I'm going.

[B]

To give you the crazy one again.

[D]

That's the busiest riddle I've ever heard.

[B]

It's busy. It's busy. And I will say that this answer has. Like it is leading you to a proper noun. Like it's a specific thing.

[D]

Yeah. The three. The three letters that spell a metal. Is it tin?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Rasputin.

[B]

It's Rasputin. You got it.

[D]

And famously, Rasputin shot several times for a birthday card. Lived, drowned, not made a paper.

[B]

So he survived. Although I'm not an insect, some people found me very difficult to exterminate. They called me something like the insane priest. The first half of my name means the same as scrape, and my last three letters are in metal.

[C]

Here's the thing that's barely even a riddle. That's just like a historical fact.

[B]

Historical fact.

[D]

Rebus. The things where it's like a bunch of pictures.

[C]

Right, Right.

[D]

Is that a rebus?

[B]

Oh, she had a. I like that one. Sitcom Rebus McIntyre.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene. Joe, you are Rasputin and you are going into your regular dive bar after everyone thinks you're dead and you're a little smug about it.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

One vodka, please.

[B]

Holy shit. Vodka, please. Yeah. No. Yes, one vodka for Rasputin.

[C]

No doubt you're noticing me, but bullet holes.

[B]

No, we didn't know.

[C]

No, I have been shot. I've been shot.

[B]

So you know. So you see them.

[D]

Yeah, I know. Didn't they cut off your penas.

[C]

Oh, yes, here it is.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Oh, you can pay with penis.

[B]

No, no. No precedent for paying with penis the.

[D]

Size of that you could pay for.

[B]

Hold on. It's not. It can't be my.

[C]

Expensive.

[B]

Expensive. Yeah, well. Oh, I'll put this. We'll pickle this. We'll get this on ice or pickle.

[D]

Are we going to make it on the menu?

[C]

Pickle it, pickle it. Now for his store.

[B]

Let it.

[C]

Let it go from museum to museum forever.

[D]

Josiah, why are you always pickling everything?

[B]

I just. I haven't.

[D]

I kill a spider.

[B]

Pickling. I have pickles. What am I supposed to do? I have brine. What else is brine good for?

[A]

Hey, Rasputin, we. We weren't celebrating. A death takes down big banner.

[D]

Mission accomplished.

[C]

I see now. I see now. You have told on yourself.

[D]

No, we hate honesty.

[B]

You do not like.

[C]

You do not like me.

[B]

The mad monk.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

We love you.

[C]

I doubter at your party.

[B]

Not good enough to hang out with you guys.

[C]

And so you stab me, poison me, put Bullets in me throw me into icy lake.

[D]

When he stands up, it always looks like he's on, like, 10 ladders. He's so tall.

[C]

I like the ice.

[B]

When he stands up. It's that Looney Tunes thing where, like, water comes out of all the holes. That.

[D]

What thing?

[C]

Looney Tunes.

[B]

We have Looney Tunes? Surely we have Looney Tunes. I see the future.

[C]

I don't think we have Looney Tunes quite yet. Right around the corner, I kind of.

[B]

Looney Tunes is my name for my little drawings that I do.

[A]

You know, the one with the mouse.

[D]

With the hat that tell us more about that one.

[B]

His name is Goofy. Goofy.

[A]

We're running out of ideas on how to kill you, Rasputin. Let's try this. If Simon says die, I will.

[C]

No, but I do not obey Simon.

[B]

Maybe we try killing Rasputin with kindness. Rasputin, you're looking so good, man.

[C]

And still I live. I cannot be killed. Instead of celebrating my death, you should celebrate my. My life. I am the spirit of, as we Russians say, joie de vivre.

[D]

He just took a drink.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Poison. Poison piss. Poison piss.

[C]

I like piss when it's poisoned or unpoisoned.

[B]

There's no way to kill me. You fools.

[C]

You fools.

[B]

Look, look.

[C]

I take my own penis and stab myself in the eyeball.

[B]

I think we're. We really just want to be done with Ra building. Maybe we all just poison ourselves and we, like, kind of, like, regroup in heaven or hell. Oh, don't do that, guy.

[C]

You're my only friends.

[B]

Oh, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We. We. What's up, Doc?

[D]

Anvil falls.

[B]

What's up, Doc?

[D]

Falls off a cliff, holds up a sign.

[B]

Well, you guys did a really great job with that. And by you guys, I mean Adol Got that last one, so congratulations.

[C]

Yeah, you really knocked that out of the park.

[B]

You got that Rasputin one dead set.

[D]

Now I will say, now that I solved it. I do like that.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[C]

Only the smartest of brains.

[B]

Thank you to Elvis for submitting that. And that brings us to my favorite part of the show, the part where we kind of plug some stuff. Joey, what do you have to plug? And what can people find?

[C]

Yeah, listen to the Like Minds podcast if you like. If you like. Yeah, if you like. Troll bridge. Troll level. Trivia. Questions that sometimes are as convoluted as Elvis's Rasputin riddle. We release new episodes every Wednesday anywhere you listen to podcasts. Please follow, rate and review all that stuff. Also, the I performed the improvised Shakespeare Company we're on the road regularly. You can find out improvised shakespeare.com we do regular shows in LA and we're. We travel the country.

[A]

It's so good. If you haven't seen it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also I can't recommend both things enough. They're so good. Adel and I went on Like Minds and had a fantastic time.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Looking for a place to start. Listen to Aaron and I's episode.

[C]

Also Matt and Arnie did already out there.

[B]

Yeah, they did.

[C]

They sure did.

[A]

Fun.

[B]

What do we have to plug? We can go listen to bonus episodes on the Patreon every Friday and we have Gumshoes and Dragons every other Monday. Every other Monday. I believe right now we have have maybe two or three episodes out at.

[A]

This point and then come see us on tour. Hey, Riddle riddle.com live. We're going to be in places in October and November and adle.

[B]

In Adle and Adle. Yep.

[D]

I had one final thing to plug which is you know how I like to go to like thrift stores, antique stores.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I found this. An old vaudeville duo. Oh gosh. God, it looks audio to tape. And it's just you have to listen to it. It's just you don't hear this kind of humor. Let me just press play here. I'd love to hear this. Will, take us up.

[A]

Hey, who's on? Who's on? Who's out there?

[B]

Who.

[C]

I think you mean what.

[A]

Oh my.

[C]

What's out there?

[A]

What a nightmare. He doesn't do the dishes and he doesn't make my lunch.

[C]

Aw, you could eat a sandwich if you did anything else with your mouth other than flap those jaws.

[A]

Oh, br. Brother.

[C]

Oh sister.

[A]

We're siblings and we're married.

[C]

One reason it never worked out.

[A]

Knock knock.

[D]

Can't you press on a star? Would you believe they recorded in separate rooms?

[A]

Knock knock.

[C]

That's who's here.

[A]

Jupiter. See you later guys.

[B]

Who's here?

[A]

That does sound like two people who have to just guess what the other person said 18 years before Casey.

[B]

Tony did the editing.

[A]

The music.

[B]

Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there Dennys and Debras. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. Patreon. It's a return after four years to the Disney twins. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyriddleville by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a headgum podcast.