#374: Rat Kebabs

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #374: Rat Kebabs

Date: September 17, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Main Theme: Riddles, tangents, comedic scenes, and historical trivia, with a focus on improvisational humor around classic and bizarre riddles.

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Episode Overview

Episode #374, titled "Rat Kebabs," captures the signature chaotic energy of Hey Riddle Riddle, blending classic and unusual riddles with character banter, comedic sketches, and a heavy dose of improvisational digressions. Adal, Erin, and JPC riff on camping mishaps, pop culture (Transformers, The Killers, Shakira), and historical oddities, always circling back (eventually) to the riddles at hand. Notable for its playful scenes, the episode is a loose, joke-packed romp, ideal for listeners who enjoy as much improv as they do puzzles.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Camping Chaos & Cowboy Coffee (00:19–03:51)

• The hosts set the scene with a pretend camping trip: Adal improvises "cowboy coffee" (actually chili with pinto beans), revealing he arrived with a mix of comedy props and little real camping supplies.
• Classic show banter—Erin and JPC mock Adal's lack of preparation and question his odd gourmet choices.
• Notable moment: JPC reveals his "sleeping bag" is actually a box of Ziploc bags, prompting ongoing jokes about improvising in the wilderness.

“You are sunburned to all hell.” – Erin (01:44) “If I didn’t know we were camping, would I have brought all this wax to make candles?” – Adal (02:11)

2. Pop Culture Tangents: Sinners, Woo Girls, Shakira & Adele (03:55–08:07)

• Quick review of the film "Sinners," leading to a discussion about "woo girls"—the group of women at parties who punctuate nights with enthusiastic "woo"s.
• They riff on Shakira's "She Wolf," mumble-singing, and the idea of superstar singers half-assing famous hooks.

"Is there a moment where Adele gets up to the mic and she goes, 'What's an Adele song?'" – Adal (07:09)

• Analogies tie back to improv and signature bits.

3. Celebrity Lookalikes & Imposter Contests (08:00–10:38)

• The trio jokes about celebrity lookalike contests, adapting the trope of celebrities entering their own doppelganger competitions.
• Adal: “I could do a 'guy on the train's cousin' lookalike contest, and I would win.”
• Escalates into making fun of casting for biopics and outlandish movie pitches.

4. Riddles Begin! (…Sort of) (13:53 onwards)

Riddle #1: The Tire Tracks

• Police find tire tracks leading to a farmhouse with two men and a woman; no car present.
• After extended Transformer-based banter and an improvised scene, Erin solves the riddle: the "tracks" were made by a wheelchair, and the woman was arrested.

“Wheel... Unicycle. Tricycle.” – Adal (23:13) Solved at: (23:25)

Riddle #2: William’s Exam

• William is the least intelligent student but his name is at the top of the results.
• Solved quickly: The list is alphabetical (William Abbott).
• Scene: The hosts improvise a hilarious "dumb class" sketch with students obsessed with pizza.

"Is it coming? Is it close? Is it soon? Is it here?" – Erin as student (25:23)

Riddle #3: The Titanic & Weather

• Why did the Titanic sink in good weather but likely wouldn’t have in bad?
• Because in stormier conditions, lookouts might have seen (or heard) the iceberg.

"Icebergs make groaning noises when they move." – JPC reading from riddle (30:15)

• Adal points out real historical nuance: unique weather conditions made the iceberg harder to spot.
• Outstanding improv: They become icebergs critiquing the film Titanic.

“We're the villain in that movie?” – Adal as iceberg (31:56)

Further Riddle Highlights

• Responsible Woman (Guillotine): The answer is "Madame Guillotine," the execution device. The riddle’s gendering of objects sparks feminist humor and another character scene.
• Tea and Milk Riddle: Why did English social classes pour milk and tea differently? Rich had china cups that withstood hot tea, so poured tea first; poor had crockery that might crack, so poured milk first.

"Pouring the tea first became a sign of prosperity." – JPC (64:40)

• Multiple answers and guesses spiral into prolonged, silly tangents.

5. Recurring Tangents & Comedy Scenes

• Impersonating bands (The Killers); awkward crowd interactions at concerts.
• Bringing kids on stage at live shows, "you would woo!" as a callout for audience excitement.
• Debate over sports teams named after tragedies, minor league baseball made with animal teams, and the ongoing "rat kebab" motif.
• Networking as a poor person in 19th-century England leads to roleplay about tea etiquette and class difference (65:08–68:32).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Camping Failures

“You guys don’t deserve my cowboy coffee. Spit it back out!” — Adal (03:02)

• Shakira & Singing Bits

“She didn’t put her whole hips behind it because her hips don’t lie.” — Erin (06:07)
“What's an Adele song?” — Adal (07:09)

• Improv Skit as Icebergs

“We have feelings too. We're the villain in that movie.” — JPC (31:56)

• On the Riddle for Tea and Milk

“Cheap crockery is also just like such a great—That’s your ex’s cruel nickname for you!” — Erin (65:00)

• Concert Impressions

“$100 to whoever can make the loudest woo sound. On the count of three. One, two, three. Fuck you guys. You would woo.” — Erin (46:54)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Camping & Cowboy Coffee: 00:19–03:51
• Sinners & Woo Girls: 03:55–08:07
• Celebrity Lookalike Tangent: 08:00–10:38
• Riddle #1 (Wheelchair): 13:53–23:25
• Riddle #2 (Alphabetical): 24:09–24:33
• Titanic/Weather Riddle: 29:34–30:34
• Iceberg Scene: 31:22–33:37
• Guillotine Riddle & Feminist Scene: 55:39–59:20
• Tea & Milk Riddle: 60:40–65:08
• English Tea Networking Scene: 65:08–68:32
• Concert/Audience Interaction Bits: 43:13–47:23

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Episode Tone & Character

• Highly improvisational; riddles serve as launchpads for comedic bits rather than the main focus.
• Self-aware humor—hosts exaggerate their own lack of riddle-solving prowess.
• Quick-witted, tangent-prone, and inclusive of both niche and broad comedy.
• Maintains the classic Hey Riddle Riddle formula: if you’re here for precision puzzle mastery, you'll stay for off-the-wall scenes and inventive riffs.

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Closing & Plugs (68:44–70:57)

• Patreon: "Check out our Patreon... we've got a fun October coming up." – Erin (68:52)
• Live Shows: “Come see us live, HeyRiddleRiddle.com/live” – Erin
• Other Podcasts: Gum, Shoes & Dragons; Hello from the Magic Tavern (Adal/JPC)
• Notable Listener Submission: Celebrating a 20-year-old listener who’s been listening since 2018 (70:18)
• Final Banter: Ongoing confusion about Transformers lore—Megatron vs. Cybertron.

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Summary

Episode 374 of Hey Riddle Riddle is classic Clue Crew madness: a sometimes-frustrated, mostly jubilant messy stew of perplexing riddles, even more perplexing improv, and endless inside jokes. Whether discussing "cowboy coffee" or the perils of Victorian tea testing, the hosts' chemistry shines through. Not much here for pure logic puzzle lovers, but if you’re in it for the comedy—this is prime, beans-in-your-coffee, rat-kebab entertainment.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice array.

[B]

And the horses named riding. Oh, jbc. Aaron, good morning. Beautiful day to be camping, I think.

[C]

Good morning.

[A]

I also, I agree. It's a beautiful. Oh, Aaron, I know that yawn. Adeline know that yawn. Somebody wants some camping coffee.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

How'd everyone sleep last night?

[A]

Cowboy coffee is what they call it. I make it just like the cowboys make it.

[B]

Huh. You're putting a lot of beans in that coffee. And I don't mean coffee beans. I mean, like, those are sort of pinto beans.

[C]

Those are pinto beans.

[A]

Pinto beans. Cowboy beans.

[B]

This is like half chili, half coffee. It's not bad.

[A]

Half. All right, let me take that back. Couple more pinto.

[B]

This is chili.

[A]

Chili, AKA cowboy coffee. Huh?

[C]

Jbc, where's your tent? I see Adol's tent. I see my tent.

[A]

I'm roughing it.

[B]

Huh? No.

[C]

Is that a sexual thing?

[A]

Yes, usually. I thought you guys wanted to do, like, camping. I didn't know you guys wanted to do, like.

[B]

Oh, camping. We're gonna be camping.

[A]

I thought we were camping.

[B]

You are sunburned to all hell.

[C]

Yeah. You're like, burnt to a crisp.

[A]

Well, no, I'm sunkissed. Cowboy kissed instead of just cowboy kisses.

[C]

Jamesy, it sort of feels like you didn't remember we were camping and now you're just sort of trying to make do with what you had on you.

[B]

Yeah, last night you said, sure, I have a sleeping bag. And then you pulled out a box of Ziploc bags.

[A]

Yeah, something I carry on me. My sleeping bags. Because I love to stay organized even when I'm asleep. If I didn't know we were camping, would I have brought all of this wax to make candles?

[B]

Well, you do always carry those Halloween style wax lips with the fangs with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause you say you never know when.

[A]

You need them, and now we can make candles. You needed them.

[B]

I guess. You're like Icarus. Well, you stayed out too long in the sun, clearly, but also.

[A]

All right, so what you're saying is I showed up with my comedy wax lips, my Ziploc bags full of chili and no camping gear, and you're too stubborn to admit it because I didn't know we were. That's what you're saying?

[C]

Yeah, I'm saying you're too stubborn to admit it. And Adel and I came very prepared. We have all this camping Stuff and we'll share it with you. You just have to ask. You just have to admit that you forgot we were camping.

[A]

Spit the chili back out. You guys don't deserve my cowboy coffee. Spit it back out. What are you doing?

[B]

I swallowed it minutes ago.

[A]

You don't deserve these pinto beans. These are organic. These are the good pinto beans.

[B]

Finest.

[A]

What's that?

[C]

Eat the ones that we just spit back out.

[B]

Eat the beans. Oh boy.

[A]

Coffee's not for eating.

[B]

It's for sipping.

[A]

Sipping on a lonesome range.

[B]

Whoa. Where'd all these horses come from? Well, those are wolves. They're invited.

[C]

Those are wolves. Those are wolves.

[A]

Uh oh. They want the chili. Protect yourselves.

[B]

They're wolves. And I'm Adlerify.

[A]

I'm jpc.

[C]

And I'm Aaron Keefe.

[A]

And we're all.

[B]

The three of us are like wolves.

[A]

Our tour poster is to be believed. We are like wolves.

[B]

Awoo.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

Awoo. Awoo.

[C]

Awoo. Awoo.

[B]

I watched Sinners last night.

[A]

My God. You finally watched Sinners.

[B]

I finally watched sinners. It was so flipping good. And I loved. I feel like it took a lot of big swings, which I really enjoyed. There's this scene where if you haven't seen sinners, I hope this is not any sort of spoiler.

[A]

It's been a few months. It's been a few months. I feel like people who haven't seen.

[B]

Sinners, there's a scene where a musician is playing and there's sort of this ethereal shot of like musicians, lineage, ancestry, music. I won't spoil more than that, but it's just really well done. It's really cool where you see the history and future of music of certain types of music. And I felt like it would be very funny if there was a white person in the dance scene and they show the future of that. And it was just like a girl with a solo cup being like, woo, woo, woo. Just sort of raise fist pumping in the air. I thought that'd be funny.

[C]

My culture is not your costume.

[A]

Woo.

[C]

No rhythm.

[A]

Woohoo.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think I had heard the term Woo girls until maybe 2020 or 2021. But as soon as I heard it, I was like, that makes so much sense. That is such a perfect term.

[C]

Woo girls.

[B]

Like, oh, there's some woo girls over at table four or something.

[C]

Woo.

[A]

Yep, yep.

[B]

AWOLs. Just the AWU made me think of that. Awoo girls.

[A]

Okay, A wolves girls. Maybe there's something there writing down a wolves girls. We'll look at this in maybe two months, we'll not know what the fuck it means.

[B]

Aaron, what is so in she wolf. At some point, Shakira sort of limply goes, ooh, limply. Well, right. It's not full throated. It's like a.

[C]

She's not putting her whole.

[B]

Yeah. She's like, this is a placeholder and I'll get back in the studio and.

[A]

Like, really behind it. Eren.

[C]

Yeah, she.

[A]

I just wanted to make sure. I just wanted to make sure heart was. Because you took a second before Hart. Yes.

[C]

I was gonna say she didn't put. Because I was gonna make a joke about. She didn't put her whole hips behind it because her hips don't lie.

[A]

Nobody's hips lie though, right?

[B]

You know, you gotta be behind.

[A]

They don't tell the truth either. They're hips.

[C]

In fact, one of your hips always lies and one always tells the truth.

[A]

Ooh, Aaron's old man puzzles today.

[B]

No, I'm took her hips.

[C]

No, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

Is there two things. One, we simply must get Aaron, you singing she Wolfrate or I'm sorry, whatever that song is. Look at Emma are so small.

[C]

Whenever, whenever, wherever, Whenever.

[B]

We simply must get your version of that sort of mumbled into a remix of the actual song. And then is there another example of such a vocal powerhouse doing something like that where it's like, oh, is there a moment where Adele is like, what's an Adele song?

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

What is there a moment where Adele gets up to the mic and she goes, what's an Adele song?

[B]

Uh oh.

[A]

Uh oh. What's one of my songs?

[B]

Have you seen when she enters an Adele contest?

[C]

Oh, yeah, it's really cute.

[B]

It's really cute.

[C]

You know what? All those ladies are so happy to see her.

[A]

It's so sweet.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That's a thing. That. Isn't that the. The old joke? Like Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin.

[B]

Contest in third place.

[A]

Where I look, I understand it, but at this point, we're just doing it to make the video. Right? Like, we're not.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I think let the people who want to have their, like, contest have their contest. Don't. Don't go into it, but you don't need to insert yourself into it.

[C]

If you. If there's a lookalike contest contest for someone and you're trying to win, which one would you win?

[A]

Which lookalike contest would I win?

[B]

Oh, like how they did the Timothee Chalamet one in Washington park or whatever.

[A]

They did one with the Guy from the Bear in Jeremy Allen White. Jeremy Allen White. But they did it for. Specifically the character for the bear, whose name I can't remember. I want to say Lip, but that's his other Chicago character, Carmi. Carmi. They did a Carmi one in Grant Park, I think, which. You know what? I don't know if I could ever win a lookalike contest, but multiple times in my life, people have been like, bro, you look just like my friend, or, like my cousin or something. And then they've showed me a picture of a white man with a beard, sometimes wearing a hat, and I say, yeah, I guess so. Yeah.

[C]

So you could do a cousin lookalike contest?

[A]

I could look. I could. I could do, like, a guy on the train's cousin lookalike contest, and I would. I would win. If the guy's cousin is the one who's judging the contest, I would win. But actually, maybe I wouldn't, because once he sees enough other people who are, like, white guys with beards and hats, he'd be like, oh, shit. Do I even know what my cousin looks like? Maybe.

[C]

Do I even have a cousin?

[A]

Do I have a cousin, everybody?

[C]

What's an Adele song? I think you can win a Captain Hook, like, contest or a wallowy character.

[B]

But not Waluigi.

[A]

But not Waluigi. No, I believe he's based on a real guy.

[B]

Rasputin.

[C]

You?

[A]

Yeah, Rasputin.

[C]

Oh, you could win a Rasputin lookalike contest.

[A]

I don't know. I don't think so.

[C]

Look him up. Look him up.

[A]

I think Rasputin looks, like, very different. I think it looks kind of more. I want to say Russian, longer hair. Maybe if I got a Rasputin wig.

[C]

On, I'd hire you to play him in a movie.

[A]

Now, that's a different thing. But playing someone in a movie, you don't necessarily have to look just like them, right?

[C]

Although I guess not.

[A]

I am a fan of when someone does a biopic and they cast someone and you're like, Sebastian Stan playing Trump, and you're like, how's that gonna work? And then you see it and you're like, okay, that's not bad. It's not. It don't look. I wouldn't be like, is that Trump? But I would be like, okay, yeah, good job. Hollywood makeup.

[B]

Was it called Dylan? The sort of bio?

[A]

No, the Sebastian Stan movie where he plays Trump is not called Dylan.

[B]

That's stupid. I think it was called Dylan, where it's like, all these different celebrities played Bob Dylan in different parts of the.

[C]

Yeah, it was like Cate Blanchett.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Where. That was one where I was like, what is this? And then I saw it and I was like, that was cool. Like, it's kind of fun to see.

[C]

Us pitching our movie where all three of us play Rasputin. We all get a crack at it.

[B]

I'll play post penis.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

Post penis can still get you. No, it can't. No, it can't.

[B]

We found the one. We found the one. But we also. Oh, please.

[A]

It's also pre. It's not post.

[B]

It's pre.

[C]

I know, but that's why it's a funny fucking joke. That's why it's a joke.

[A]

Post cum.

[C]

Yeah, Post cum can still get you pregnant.

[B]

Postcum is a cereal brought to you by.

[A]

Hey, you know what? If there's precum, then she wants post. If there's pre cum, they should have post cum. That should be on the menu.

[B]

I love somebody saying not to eat a bowl of post cum. And then somebody barging and go, stop, stop, Gary, stop. Back. Don't put that down.

[C]

What?

[B]

Grab your. Grab your grill.

[C]

Balance breakfast.

[B]

Grab the kids. It's time to go.

[A]

It actually makes the breakfast unbalanced. It unbalances the previous breakfast you've had. All right, well, Adol. Are we gonna do riddles today?

[B]

Yeah. This show is unbalanced unless we do some riddles. So let's put on our. Do we have thinking caps where we threw those out years ago?

[A]

Yeah, those are gone. Cap washes was just remembering Adele songs.

[B]

Put on your guessing pants.

[A]

That's contractual. You can't ask me to do.

[B]

Okay, slip on your Solve socks.

[A]

Okay, I'll wear solve socks.

[B]

Aaron.

[C]

They're uncomfy on my feet. The itch.

[A]

Can we make sure that they're more comfy on Aaron's feet?

[B]

Yeah, let me cut the toes off here.

[A]

Let me ask you guys a question. Especially with socks on feet, are you. Now, Aaron, you live in, like, sunny, sunny, fricking California. Do you wear socks most of the time? Because if I lived in California, I feel like I wouldn't need to wear.

[C]

Socks, like, with my shoes.

[A]

Well, no, because most shoes that require socks, but, like, do you wear more sandals because you live in California. Are you. Are you more a shoe person?

[C]

Yeah, probably. I mean, especially, like, when it comes to walking loo, I just wear Birkenstocks outside to slip em on. And in Chicago, I had, like, knockoff ugg boots that I would slip on to walk loo.

[A]

Yeah. I think if I didn't live in a place where there was, like, winter, I don't know that I would ever wear socks again. I think I'm a much preferable person.

[C]

I'm not a socks guy, but the.

[A]

Thing is, I am a socks guy based on where I live, but I think if I lived in a different place, I'd be done with socks.

[C]

Do you sleep in socks?

[A]

No. That, to me is, like. That's a wild thing.

[C]

It's a sensory nightmare.

[A]

Sleeps in socks. But her feet, she has, like, really cold feet. Her circulation doesn't hit her feet. And I run hot. So I guess if I didn't run hot, I would sleep in socks, too.

[B]

I do like somebody in Chicago coming upon this conversation and being, like, Sox fan. How do you think Robert's doing this season?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Bombus the rest. Aaron, were your knockoff Ugg boots called oofs?

[C]

Yes, I'm sure. I'm sure.

[A]

I'm sure that's the sound that you make when you step on a rat in Chicago when you're not wearing socks.

[B]

Let's get to some riddles here. Here's a number one riddle, and they're going to get progressively worse. The police found a murder victim, and they noticed a pair of tire tracks leading to and from the body. They followed the tracks to a nearby farmhouse where two men and a woman were sitting on the porch. There was no car at the farmhouse, and none of the three could drive. The police immediately arrested the woman. Why?

[C]

Hmm.

[A]

I don't want to say.

[B]

So. Dead body. They found tire tracks to and from the body. They followed the tracks to a nearby farmhouse. On the porch of the farmhouse were two men and a woman. No car at the farmhouse. None of the three could drive. I don't know how they found that out. The police arrested the woman.

[A]

Why are, like, the two people. The two men, are they both dead?

[B]

That's a great guess, but that is not.

[C]

That is a good guess.

[B]

The situation.

[C]

Is it, like, a tractor?

[B]

No, but, Aaron, you are headed down the right path, I believe.

[A]

Hmm. So it's like, it has to do with what the type of tires are. I was also gonna say, are the two men incapacitated? Anyway, they're all like. They're not, like, blind or like that. They couldn't drive a car or something like that.

[B]

Or, like, all three couldn't drive a car. But, yeah, the two men.

[A]

It's not, like, immediately obvious that. Wait, all three of them can't drive a car? Or, like, don't know how this is.

[B]

The hard part because it just says all three can't drive. But they don't say, like, how they found that out or what that pertains. So just. I think just there's no car. And no trace of a car is maybe a better wording of this. But I will say you kind of asked about the two guys, and if there's anything you would immediately recognize about them, not for the two men, but for the woman. Yes.

[A]

Oh, she's a Transformer. She. Optimus Prime.

[C]

She. Optimus Prime.

[B]

She's a Jazz. She's a Bumblebee.

[A]

She's a Bumblebee.

[C]

I'd like to see a Seed, Adol and jpc. You guys are best friends and you're at a bar, and jpc, you're trying to just gently let Adol know that he's definitely dating Optimus Prime.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

And then we. We went down. Is that Hillcrest? We went down Hillcrest.

[A]

Yeah, Hillcrest.

[B]

And people were just kind of like, whoa. Like, that's awesome. That's so cool. And then I hopped off of her back, and then we tried to go into tiki ties, but it was.

[A]

Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on. I guess I had the story confused when you started it. What do you mean you hopped off her back? She was giving, like, a piggyback ride or.

[B]

Yeah, sort of like really fast piggyback. Like a really fast, controlled piggyback ride. So we go. We try and go into the bar, and we see Devin in the back, and we're like, Devin? Like, kind of like, oh, shit. Kind of thing, like, table. And then. And then Stephanie. Well, because she's like, you know, sometimes she's like ten foot four, and sometimes she's like five, three. So she's ten foot four. She bonks her head on the door.

[A]

I'm sorry. Wait. I'm sorry. I'm trying to track the story. Brett, who. Who's Stephanie?

[B]

The girl I'm dating.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[B]

Stephanie.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Sometimes 10, five, huge shoulders.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Mechanical voice. Stephanie.

[A]

And her last name is Megatron. Or because you've been just calling her Megatron. I'm not sure if you knew that.

[B]

But, like, you know, she's a Megatron fan. She loves futuristic motorcycles.

[A]

I'm all caught up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she's in the bar, you see Devin.

[B]

Yes. But then suddenly, somebody behind Evan, apparently, is from space, and they start to sort of unfold into, like, a million little contraptions, electronic contraptions. So now Stephanie's running around blast. Like, punching them, crushing them into oblivion. She shoots up into the night sky with her rockets, right?

[A]

Oh, yeah. No. With her rockets. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm. I guess I'm following.

[B]

Did you. Do you not like Stephanie?

[A]

I mean, I've never met her.

[B]

It feels like you don't like her. I would really appreciate. Just give her a chance. I feel like you've been weird towards her since. Since the beginning.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[A]

And she's coming today, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. No, I mean, I'd love to meet her.

[B]

I. I told her to meet us here because last time. Last time we went somewhere for dinner, we all got inside. Stephanie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We went to very nice Italian place. And then you were like, your eyes were wide the whole time, so I told her to meet us here so there's no weirdness.

[A]

Okay. Wait, so drive through walls? Yeah.

[C]

Hello. Hi, baby.

[B]

Hey, baby.

[C]

Are you ready to go?

[B]

Oh, you got some oil on your cheek here.

[C]

Hey.

[A]

Hey, Brett, before we go out. Before we go out, could I just talk to you for just, like, one second about something totally related?

[C]

I'll be over here by the jukebox.

[B]

Oh, she's eating it.

[C]

Time for you to decide who you are.

[A]

Hey, Brett. Hey, Brett.

[B]

She's always saying that. I love that about her.

[A]

Hey, man, I. I know that you're kind of, like, love struck right now, but, like, Stephanie, like, I think she's cheating on you.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

No.

[B]

Like, there's no way.

[A]

No. I saw her making out with a motorcycle. Well.

[B]

I don't. Why would you.

[C]

Snitches get stitches.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Just a quick reminder. Remember who you are. Tosses you into space.

[B]

Whoa. Threw my friend to the moon. Babe, you're crazy.

[C]

Should we go dancing?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Cedar.

[B]

I realized about, I don't know, 30 seconds in. I've never really watched red Transformers. I don't really know what a Megatron is, so I'm like, rockets, I hope. Jump into the night sky.

[C]

Also, I remember Optimus prime has, like, a cool voice, but I kind of forget how it sounds.

[A]

It's James Earl Jones. I don't know if that's true. I know Optimus Prime. He's the one that turns into a Mack truck, right? In some properties.

[B]

And he's good. Or bad.

[A]

He's good.

[C]

He's good.

[A]

Megatron is the place that they're from. Optimus prime is an Autobot. And the bad guys are called Decepticons, Which I have to say is the funniest part about the Transformers, because they're a Toy. And so they're like bad guys. Decepticons. But when they have to put it into a movie, they're like, yeah, our group is called the Decepticons, and we're fine. We're like. We believe we're good guys. I'm like, if you join a group and your name is the Decepticons, you have to believe that you're a bad guy. You can't be. You can't think. Your intentions are pure. You have be like, I truly am a bad guy. I am a Decepticon.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's the main. So Optimus prime is the good guy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Megatron's the planet. I thought Megatron was the main villain. Who's the main villain?

[A]

You know what? Fucking Megatron might be the main villain or. Yeah, Megatron is the main villain. Okay, but wait, also, Megatron might also be the planet that they're from or the planet something else. I did just watch that Transformers Animated movie, and it was. And it's like a prequel, but it is good. It's fun. It's. Well, I think animated is definitely the medium for that. I don't remember any of the other Transformer movies being good, and I don't know that I saw any of them. I saw the first one maybe, but they're very Megan Fox heavy, so do with that what you will.

[B]

Aaron, are you familiar at all with the Transformers?

[C]

I watched that first one and then. I don't know. I love that video of that woman doing her pregnancy announcement with the Transformer at Universal Studios. That's my favorite video right now, because the Transformer whips his head around like it's his, so that makes me happy. So that's sort of how I feel about the Transformers. Does that answer your question?

[B]

Yes. There are a lot of funny clips of that improviser. I assume it has to be all improv. Interacting with Disney or Universal guests.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Jason, what were you going to say?

[A]

I think that Mark Wahlberg is in those Transformer movies, too, which is just one of those things where you're like, really? We had nothing to say. We had nothing to say in this movie, so we just put Mark Wahlberg in it.

[C]

That's a really good point.

[A]

Yeah. Whenever I see Mark Wahlberg in a movie, especially in the last 10 years, I'm like, okay, so we were out of ideas for this one.

[C]

Yeah. It's when you have nothing to say, put him in the movie.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. Fuck the Transformers. I'll say it. I don't Care.

[B]

I don't think we've solved this riddle yet.

[C]

Oh, geez.

[B]

Tire tracks leading to. Okay, if you think you know the answer, put your hand down. Tire tracks leading to and from a dead body. The detectives follow the tie tracks to a nearby farmhouse. Three people on a porch. Two men, one woman. They arrest the woman. Why?

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

So, tire tracks. You were right to think of a different type of tire, basically. Or a different type of.

[C]

Oh, it was a wheelbarrow.

[B]

Oh, Aaron, you were unbelievably close. Unbelievably close.

[C]

A bike. A wagon.

[B]

Stick with that first word you said.

[C]

Wheel.

[B]

Well, the first part of the word you said. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Wheel. Unicycle. Tricycle.

[B]

But say the word wheel.

[A]

Wheel.

[B]

And then something else.

[C]

Wheel.

[B]

Sonata.

[C]

Wheel.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Cartwheel.

[B]

Wheelchair.

[C]

She's in a wheelchair.

[B]

She was doing cartwheels. She was in a wheelchair.

[A]

Cybertron.

[C]

We have handprints, then footprints and handprints and footprints. And then someone clearly wiped out because I got dizzy. And then handprints and footprints.

[B]

Well, it's clearly a regular man in Sebulba.

[A]

So I remembered it's Cybertron is the world and Megatron is the guy. Truly a bunch of stupid bullshit.

[B]

That's confusing.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Cybertron and Megatron. Yeah, that's way too confusing. Yeah, that's like Aaron, if your name was Aearth, there's Aeth. Okay, never mind Aerith. That's yours to do with if you please. Legally. Let's do another riddle here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

William was the least intelligent and laziest boy in a class of 30 students. They all took an examination, yet when the results were announced, William's name was at the top of the list. How come? William was the least intelligent and laziest boy in a class of 30 students who took an examination yet when the results were announced, William's name was at the top of the list.

[A]

Is his name like William Aronson or something like that?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. William's name was William Abbott. And the results were given in alphabetical order, so. Pretty quick riddle.

[A]

I want to see a scene. So in this scene, I'm going to be a teacher, and I am. We've just gotten the class's intelligence tests back, and I am going to be handing out the intelligence tests to the students.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

All right, everyone. We have the state mandated. Don't know why. Well, relax, Jeff. Relax, everyone. We already took the state mandated test. We just have the results of the state mandated intelligence test. It has come back. Of course. They use this for funding because that's kind of where we are as a country right now, Mr. Jeffries.

[C]

You said if we didn't embarrass you, you'd give us a pizza party. And I don't smell pizza. Is it coming? Is it close? Is it soon? Is it here?

[B]

Is it soon? Pizza.

[A]

No.

[B]

Pizza.

[C]

Pizza. P, I, Z, A, P, I, P, I, Z. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

[A]

First of all, pizza.

[C]

Pizza. Pizza. Pizza.

[B]

Oh, is that the Hamburglar?

[A]

I said we could do a pizza party at the end of the year if everyone graduates.

[B]

Hold one second. Graduate.

[A]

I'm sorry. No, don't try to spell it.

[B]

Did you mean to type? Glad you'd ate? Yeah.

[A]

Why don't you come up for your intelligence test? All right, Jeff. Oh, yeah, buddy. You got a seven out of seven.

[B]

Congratulations. Thank you so much. Smartest man alive. Smartest man alive.

[A]

It's not out of seven. It's not out of seven. It's notout of seven.

[C]

Speech.

[B]

Four, shore and jersey. And seven.

[A]

Jeff actually did the best Jeff actually did the best out of anyone in the class, and he got a seven.

[C]

Oh, sorry, Jeff. Man, that's so embarrassing, buddy.

[B]

My parents are gonna kill me.

[A]

All right, court. No. Courtney, you're up next.

[C]

Woo.

[A]

Courtney, get up. Courtney, you are one of the many students in class that got an incomplete thank you.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Lucky not.

[A]

Thank you, Courtney, because on the intelligence.

[C]

Test, I'm going to college.

[A]

Y' all couldn't possibly. On the intelligence test, you were to fill it A, B, C, or D according to D. Well, now we're getting to it. You did one D, and then you wrote EEP dish, pizza. And then you wrote pizza, pizza, Pizza, pizza for the rest of your life.

[C]

Is it coming?

[A]

It's not coming.

[B]

Pizza.

[C]

Duh. Pizza, pizza. Pizza. Z, A, P, I, Z, A. Pizza.

[A]

Pizzazz. It's not. Guys, pizza pizza has two Z's, okay? And no T's, by the way.

[C]

No, I want pepperoni on it.

[B]

Did you know that pizza comes from Attila the Hun teacher? So sometimes the teacher can be the student.

[A]

Okay, I'll move right along. Richard. Richard. Oh, my God. Richard. You got a 178 out of seven. No.

[C]

Out of seven again.

[A]

It's not out of seven.

[C]

He's such an idiot. He got a 178 out of seven. What a loser.

[A]

Guys, Richard is not a loser. He's not an idiot. Richard is. I actually.

[B]

The glass hamster is a loser.

[C]

A loser.

[B]

The glass hamster is a loser.

[A]

Richard, are you here?

[B]

Yeah. He's on his wheel.

[C]

He's on his wheel.

[A]

Okay. Richard was given a special pill by a scientist, and it's actually really sad because most of the other Richards end up dying and getting less smart.

[B]

Oh, that's why we had to read Flowers for a Girl. Nin.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

All right, why don't we do this? Why don't we call school off a little early today, I take y' all out for pizza.

[C]

I thought we were gonna read the Crackables.

[A]

No, we're not gonna read the Crackables. I'm gonna put you in my car. No, we're gonna drive way out into the country to have country pizza. Cowboy pizza, they call it.

[C]

Come on, let's go. We all get so good on our test. Come on, let us do it.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, everybody in the car except you, Richard. I'm gonna let you out of your wheel. You run free. You're the smartest hamster that ever will be. It ever will is.

[C]

Oh, I. I scooched my desk over and I hit Richard. Can I go to Harvard?

[A]

Richard's gone. Yeah. Richard's gone. Yeah, you can go to Harvard. Courtney, Jeff, you must go to Harvard.

[C]

Yay. And those two people became Supreme Court justices.

[A]

Courtney became Clarence Thomas. Jeff became Clarence Thomas.

[B]

Can I read about the Crackable? Oh, so good.

[C]

Oh, man.

[B]

So, so good. While we solve that riddle, why don't we. Let's do one more here before we.

[C]

Why don't we give up?

[B]

Why don't we just stop? A ship sank in perfect weather conditions. If the weather had been worse, the ship would probably not have sunk. What happened? A ship sank in perfect weather conditions. If the weather had been worse, the ship probably would not have sunk. What happened? And I will say this is a seemingly a historical factoid tidbit.

[A]

A ship sank in perfect weather conditions. Hmm. My mind went to, like, Titanic.

[B]

Jpc. Yes, your mind was right to do.

[C]

So because then they would have been more careful or whatever in the rain.

[B]

Aaron Hundo P. The ship was the Titanic, which hit an iceberg on a fine night when the sea was very flat. If the weather had been worse, then the lookouts would have seen waves hitting the iceberg or heard the iceberg. This is in quotes. Icebergs make groaning noises when they move. Unfortunately, the iceberg wasn't seen, and the rest is history. I do want to see a quick scene.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait. I think that that's not to quibble, but I do think that that's actually wrong. I do think that. I don't know when this riddle was written, but I Think that they have since said that because of, like, whatever, like, the weather pattern that was happening at the time the Titanic sank, it made the, like, sea reflect off the night sky so that, like, everything was pitch black. Basically, it was as, like, black as the sea because of some weird, like, pressure or heat, like, pattern that was happening on the water, which they're saying is maybe what caused the Titanic to miss the iceberg and hit it and sink. So when I said Titanic, there is.

[C]

Pressure of the sea. And that's why the. That's how you sound.

[B]

What are we, bunch of class hamsters?

[A]

Go to the Supreme Court? I'm not dealing with you, Courtney. Supreme Court. Now, now.

[C]

Aw, man.

[B]

Listen, we're a bunch of class hampters on smart pills or whatever, eating flubber. But I do want to see a quick scene, okay? Based on the fact icebergs make groaning noises, the two of you are icebergs, and you just saw a movie and you're kind of sort of picking it apart. That was super fucking offensive. Uh, yeah. This is PG13. They have sex in that car. Insane. What if a little kid saw it?

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

Also, like, we're the villain. Like, we have feelings, too. We're the villain in that movie. Yeah, I mean, that was, what, like, two hours in, but absolute fucking bullshit. Like, icebergs get just, like, such a bad rap. And then obviously, like.

[A]

Like, that guy is the villain, and.

[B]

Then I think that guy's the villain, and then. What's his name, the actor? Oh, he played the Phantom. Oh, God. I always want to say that it's Bill Pullman, but Bill Paxton.

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

Wait, are we talking about the same guy?

[B]

The guy who talks to the old lady?

[A]

The treasure hunter?

[C]

The villain. The one who gets on the.

[B]

He's the villain. What's he doing in the ocean?

[A]

Billy Zayn.

[B]

Oh, no, I liked him, but, like, I thought he was gonna be the villain the whole time, and then it turns out the iceberg's the villain. Wait a second. You thought Billy Zane is the villain in that movie? Oh, I liked him. What? Oh, I liked him. I thought, personally, my villain in that movie were the people that were still playing music as the sickness sip ship sank. Because I'm like, this is my house. You're basically playing the stereo loud in my house when I'm trying to sleep in the water. Kyle, I don't know if I want to do a second date.

[C]

Sorry, what was that?

[B]

Here's two waters. Oh, good. Do you guys mind ordering pretty quick? A lot of people are super uncomfortable. I'm going to take mine to go. Okay, that's for the best. Wait, why? Just because we're ice cream icebergs? I never said that. Your words, not mine.

[A]

That's what you said.

[B]

That's what you said. And also, I have a lot of feedback about the salad choices on this menu. That's some bullshit. We use iceberg lettuce.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Our culture is not your costume. Our culture is not your salad. Well, let's take a break and recall the salad days of this show. And we'll be right back with more riddles.

[C]

Marco. You guys have to say Polo so I can find you.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry, Aaron. I thought you were looking for your friend Marco. Why were you crying before if you were just playing Marco Polo?

[C]

Well, I miss my friend Marco, but now I want to play Marco Polo to cheer myself up.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Marco Polo. Found you. I found you.

[B]

Oh, found you. Found Marco. Just like Found is a business banking platform that lets you effortlessly track expenses, manage invoices, and prepare for taxes. You can even set aside money for different business goals. I'm sure you and Marcus would open up a business, Marco. Spending with different.

[C]

Who would have loved this?

[A]

Oh, and she also didn't. Didn't find him, you know, because he's still. He's still missing. But Aaron, you know what's not missing is all of the great features that Found offers. Oh, and by the way, other small businesses are loving Found too. This Found user said Found is going to save me so much headache. It makes everything so much easier. Expenses, income, profits, taxes, invoices even. And found has 30,000 five star reviews just like this. None of them, it looks like, are from Marco. But yeah, he is still missing. He is still missing.

[C]

Dang.

[A]

We use Found for. Hey, Riddle Riddle. It is a really great service. It makes my life so much easier. I appreciate that Found has invoicing which allows me to easily create and send professional invoices. Keep all of my financial activities in one place. And the invoicing is the most annoying part of the things that I do. So it is really nice to have Found.

[C]

Losing Marco is the most annoying part about what I do. So open a Found account for [e-mail] f o u n d.com found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by Piermont bank member fdic. Don't put this one off. Join thousands of small business owners who have streamlined their finances with Found. Marco.

[B]

Polo. Polo.

[C]

Marco.

[B]

Oh, Aaron.

[C]

Marco.

[A]

Okay, It's a Puppet. I'm out of here. It's a puppet.

[C]

The sun has gone to bed and so must I. I miss my Helix Sleep mattress. Goodnall doo doo doo doo doo.

[A]

Wait, can we do this? Aaron, can we do this?

[C]

What?

[A]

I mean, this. Could we do this?

[C]

Oh, probably not.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, cool. Well, guys, I really wanted an excuse to talk about my Helix mattress. I love it so much. I have the midnight luxe. I've had it for years. It's the best mattress I've ever had. And anytime someone comes over and dog sits for Lou, she, they compliment my mattress and say, what is that glorious, glorious mattress? And I say, it's Helix Sleep, baby.

[B]

I have the same midnight luxe. It's the most comfortable mattress I've ever owned. I used to have back pain when I woke up in the morning. My back pain is gone. Also, all four. Yes. Four of my cats sleep on my bed every night, which they didn't used to do when I didn't have a Helix. So thank you, Helix.

[C]

I am tired. Gonna sleep on Helix. Can we do this?

[A]

All right, Aaron, we can't. We can't go down this road again. We cannot go down this road again. But Helix Sleep can go down this road as many times as it wants because it's the best mattress that I have ever owned. And if you want to get one for yourself, and guess what, dear listener, you freaking can. All you have to do is go to helixsleep.com riddle for the Labor Day sale extended. That is a 25% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com riddle For 25% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know that we.

[C]

Sent you helixsleep.com riddle helixsleep.com riddle wait, why are you. We can't do this.

[A]

Excuse me. I'm Mr. DMCA and I want to say I approve. Yay.

[C]

Can we do that?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Wait. Run dmca.

[C]

Run.

[A]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

[C]

Hey. At all gpc. You know how I am starting starting a new be Boo Boo Boo Boo energy drink company? Well, I am looking to buy an online domain so I can make videos educating people about the energy drink and I can sort of do promo and people have a place to buy it and subscribe. So I'm just.

[A]

Aaron, I did not know that and take three big steps back because you're right in my teeth. But you should use Squarespace. It's the all in one website platform designed to help you Stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place.

[B]

Yeah, Aaron, you can do stuff like video. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content of you on your energy drink being so you like you are right now.

[A]

She's walking up the wall. She's walking up the wall right now.

[C]

Oh, I'm not on the energy drink right now. I just have to pee. And I'm trying to communicate very, very quickly. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers.

[A]

And Aaron, who would you say are your ideal customers for your energy drink?

[C]

People who are tired. People who want to run and jump.

[A]

So I guess if you're tired and you want to run and jump, head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial when you're ready to launch. That's launch your website, not launch yourself into the moon because of all the air and energy drink you had. Use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[B]

Oh, and it says here that the slogan is Aaron juice gives you wheels.

[C]

Uh huh. Do you love it?

[A]

No.

[C]

Gpc. Let me get back in those teeth. Let me get back in those teeth.

[A]

She's really back in those teeth.

[B]

Jealous much? New coat, new shirt, new pants.

[A]

Adol, you didn't get those from the emperor, did you?

[B]

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

[C]

Oh, I knew it. And everyone says he was and I knew he wasn't. I felt like I knew he wasn't.

[A]

Interesting that my experience with the emperor. His clothes are awesome.

[C]

Adol, your clothes look fantastic. They look like very expensive. That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

[B]

Uh, no, actually we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money. But this was actually very cheap in terms of money. This is from Quince, my good lady.

[C]

I love quince.

[B]

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non stop. Like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters. Touch please touch. Starting at just $60. That's bonkers.

[A]

$60?

[B]

Yeah, $60.

[C]

Their denim is durable and fits right in. Their real leather jackets bring the clean classic edge without the elevated price tag. I have sheets from Quints. I got A skirt from Quint. I love Quint's.

[B]

On the walk over here wearing Quint's, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy? That's clearly like somebody's little brother. Like Nathan. Nathan Levi's cousin or something taller.

[A]

Younger brother. And what makes Quince different? Well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middlemen. So you get top tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands and middlemen are flipping out about it. I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head. He was so mad at Quince.

[B]

Is he okay?

[A]

No, he looks really distressed. Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie. I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather. It's kind of the in between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes. It's awesome. It's like a must have staple of my wardrobe.

[C]

And I got my eye on some boots at Quint's for the fall. Just a tall boot. I haven't had one of those, like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited. I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color. Come back to me. Come back to me.

[B]

Sounds good. Friends puts on sunglasses. So keep it classic and cool this fall with long lasting staples from quince. Go to quince.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com riddle free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com riddle adol I have got Aaron.

[A]

On a joke website. I'm about to sell her chocolate boots. I think she's gonna walk around.

[C]

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[B]

I will stay and watch this.

[C]

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

[B]

And we are back and it's time for another riddle. Is everybody excited for that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know that there was going to be a pause and a need for me to have a reaction. I just thought it was going to be time for another riddle.

[B]

I do think it's funny when I've seen clips of like concert footage of some band, you know, let's say the Killers or something, where they're like, we're gonna do another song. And everyone just kind of sits there and then they're like, is that all right with you guys? And everyone's like, woo. And it's clearly like they would have wooed. You just have to set them up to succeed.

[A]

Yeah, I Hope they set up another song.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Can you guys give me your best take at, like, a musician that's trying to get the people going, getting them to woo? Like, how would you set them up?

[B]

Oh, gotcha, Gotcha. Okay, let's see. Can you. Aaron, can you let us know what band we are? That would be helpful.

[C]

Yeah. We'll have you be the Killers.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

Oh, are we each taking our own turn?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, I'll go first. I'll go first. All right, everybody. We are the Killers. Oh, interesting. How about we play a little song some of you might know called Mr. Brightside?

[B]

Which one is Mr. Brightside?

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Is that the somebody talk?

[A]

Hey, who out there likes candy?

[C]

Silently raised my hand.

[A]

One, two people. One woman. One person likes candy. Okay, okay. Hey, what about. What about making love? Anybody out there, like, making love?

[C]

Silently raised my hand to candy.

[A]

The. To candy. And that person likes candy and. Oh, okay.

[B]

Hey, can you play a monkey's playground song?

[A]

Boy, does this ever happen to me. My name's Brandon Flowers. Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

The last time's a plant.

[C]

Raises my hand silently.

[A]

That woman, I don't know if she knows where she is.

[C]

All right, Adol, your turn.

[B]

Okay. Hey, everybody. I'm local Mormon Brandon Flowers, lead singer of the Killers. What do we think? Are we. Are we human or are we excited?

[A]

Human.

[B]

Okay. I'm hearing a lot of human. Lot of human. Okay. What's that. What's that sound that people make when they're excited?

[C]

Raise his hand.

[B]

No, no, it's not the sound of one hand being raised. Although that sounds like some sort of proverb.

[A]

Zin Cohen.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

A Zin Cohen. You're thinking of a Zin Cohen.

[B]

Oh, is. Is there someone famous? Is there Zen Cohen in the audience? Are you, like, Ethan's daughter? Hello.

[C]

Everyone's looking to the left and right.

[B]

Man, I love when celebrities are here because you can just put them on the Gem O Tron and people go nuts. Let's look for cheaters in the crowd. Is anyone cheating on someone?

[A]

That woman raises her hand. She's alone.

[B]

Camera focus on that woman raising her hand. And she's in the Titanic pose.

[C]

Can I go to the bathroom?

[B]

Oh, thank you for asking. I would prefer you wait till I. Because this next song is going to be like a big. This is going to be. It's. Oh, what's the song? Hold on, hold on, hold on. What was the movie about? Who's the guy that got shot in the face by. No, who's the guy who shot somebody in the face when he was hunting.

[A]

Raise my hand.

[C]

Dick Cheney.

[B]

Dick Cheney. What was the movie where Christian Bale plays Dick Cheney? Come on.

[A]

I just went in my pants.

[C]

Newsies, newsies.

[B]

And in the trailer, it was like, who's the man? Who's the man? I'm the man. We sing that song, I think, can.

[C]

I go to the bathroom?

[A]

I went in my pants. I'm Clarence Kravitz goes Nuts.

[B]

Okay, Aaron, you ready?

[C]

$100 to whoever can make the loudest woo sound. On the count of three. One, two, three. Fuck you guys. You would woo.

[B]

Fuck you guys. You would woo.

[A]

Fuck you guys.

[B]

I love.

[A]

Oh, fuck you guys.

[B]

Just like a super fun, like, let's. 100 bucks in a Fuck you guys.

[C]

Fuck you guys. You would woo. You'd fucking woo. I know you.

[B]

You know what I want to see that I don't think I've ever seen is every once in a while, I can't think of, like, a specific person. Maybe like Springsteen or. A few people have done it. U2's done it. Where they will, like, bring up a kid from the audience.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And give them a guitar. And then they're like, hold on. They, of course, harvest the soul for raw. They'll bring up a kid from the audience, and then they'll give them a guitar or put them behind the drum set, and then they'll know a song perfectly and everyone loses their mind. You've never seen this, Aaron.

[C]

I've seen this.

[B]

I want to see. I've never seen where they bring up a kid, give them drumsticks or guitar, and they just eat shit.

[A]

And they're like, I lied.

[B]

I can't. I held up a poster board that.

[C]

Said, that would be so funny.

[B]

They're like, I don't. I didn't think I'd get chosen. I just wanted this moment with you. I don't want to plague it.

[C]

You know, we gotta be doing that at Hayward level, live shows to go like, any kids know how to act like jpc. And there's a kid that comes up and it's like, does a perfect JP Riddles impression. And everyone's like, oh, fuck, that kid's a genius.

[A]

I do think that we've never done it before, but I think that people need to start making signs for, hey, Rotov shows that say, like, you know, let me do Dr. Chameleon or something. I have the best Dr. Chameleon. Let me do Dr. Chameleon.

[B]

The closest thing I've seen. Oh, sorry, go ahead.

[A]

No, we would encourage that. We won't necessarily bring you up on stage to do it, but if you make us laugh, there's a chance.

[B]

We need more poster boards in our live shows, but that also means we can't have them seated because then people can't see over the poster boards.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, be respectful. Obviously, you know, you put it up at the right time, but, you know, one. I think there are times in our live shows where we say, hey, we need the house lights on for something. That's the time where you throw up that poster board. And then we see, you know, we see, let me sing as Koko Cashmere. And we say, okay, let's give this person the biggest shot they've ever had in their life. And then you hear that episode later when we release that, and you hear that that person has been edited out of the episode. And you know that person did not do a good job. It was too awkward, and we had to take it out.

[C]

That moment kind of scares me, though, when we do, like, the light go up at a live show, because then I realized how that I'm being perceived. Yeah. And then I realized how many people listen to the show, and I'm like, oh, God.

[A]

So you say, oh, God.

[B]

So, pros and cons. Here's another riddle. She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. How come?

[A]

She was a goose that got sucked into a plane.

[C]

Yeah, I was gonna say, like, last.

[A]

Year, she just did this right away.

[B]

Wow. That's not the answer. But that was a answer. She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. How come?

[C]

She was a rat that carried disease.

[B]

Ooh, Aaron, you are thinking along the right lines.

[A]

She was a Clinton. No, she was a Bush. She was a Trump.

[C]

She had rabies and she bit.

[B]

So rats with disease, that would be the plague, which is historically a way a lot of people died. This is also a historical way a lot of people died, but maybe more man made. And maybe this literally is what. Well, yeah, of course it's literally what killed them. But it's.

[A]

Is this, like, mad cow, Tainted beef?

[B]

England mad cow, Tainted beef. Oh, oh, oh, ooh Tainted beef.

[C]

Was that tainted love? But instead of love, it's beef.

[A]

Who can know? So it's like a disease?

[B]

Not a disease. But this is something man made. And it was used to. It was the cause of a lot of death. But after a trial or after a.

[A]

Misleading cow that kicked over the lantern or something like that, which has also been kind of debunked.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They said that that was just like a racist way to attack Irish people or something.

[B]

I do want to see a scene.

[A]

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[B]

Not that there's anything about it.

[A]

I'm all for racist. Attacking the Irish. I don't want to. I don't want to go with you.

[B]

I do want to see a scene. GBC. You are Mrs. O'. Leary. Aaron, you are Mrs. O' Leary's cow. And of course, the Great Chicago Fire has happened. I don't know why we're calling it great. And, Mrs. O', Leary, you're sort of confronting your cow with what happened.

[C]

Hey, what's up, Ms. O'? Leary? Michelle, what's going on?

[A]

Keep your cow voice down. We have to get you to Canada tonight.

[C]

What's going on?

[A]

We're going to Detroit. And from Detroit, we're going to go to Toronto. It's the only place you'll be safe.

[C]

I love Chicago.

[A]

I know you do.

[C]

White socks. Sheep dish, baby. I love it.

[A]

They're going to turn you into wet beef.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[A]

I've heard them talking, cow. They blame you. I wish they would blame the Irish, the people who deserve it. We all know. We all know. But they blame you, cow. We have to get you to blame me for what? I don't know.

[C]

What's going on. I'm on a birthday bender.

[A]

No, no, I.

[B]

Over here.

[A]

I'm just really horny in here. Oh, nice. Good. That'll distract them for a few minutes.

[C]

Is it true you're horny? Why didn't you say so? Ms. Oleary, I'm trying to help you.

[A]

The Chicago Fire happened. All of Chicago was burnt to a crisp. And they blame you, cow.

[C]

What did I do wrong? I'm just drunk.

[A]

Well, first of all, you shouldn't be drunk. That's a. That's a big issue.

[C]

Why?

[A]

If Peter found out, they could take you from me. But there's Peter.

[C]

I don't give a shit about what Peter thinks of me.

[A]

Nobody does. They're saying you kicked over a lantern when you got drunk and started the fire and that and there.

[C]

But I was with you last night. You kicked over that lantern, Mr. O'. Leary.

[A]

I know I did. I'm Irish history's bad guy. But we have to protect you, cow. They. Of course. They're not gonna blame some harmless old woman. They're going to blame the indolent cow.

[C]

No, they're probably gonna blame you.

[A]

Look, I told him it was you, okay? And I feel bad.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

Moo Moo.

[B]

Are we the only city that has a sports team named after a tragedy? Because the soccer team in Chicago is the Chicago Fire.

[C]

Yeah. No, there's Boston Molasses floods.

[B]

I would buy merch of that.

[A]

The Dodgers are named after the Trolley Dodgers.

[B]

Oh, that's correct.

[A]

Which is the term for, like, people getting, like, hit by trolley cars. So I feel like that's.

[C]

You guys just taught me that, right?

[A]

No, someone else just taught us that.

[B]

I was talking about it.

[A]

Oh. But yet, is there another tragedy? There's probably some minor league tragedies. I was wearing my shrimp shredders shirt while we were in la and I walked into a place and the guy goes, oh, man, that shirt's awesome. And another guy was like, is that a minor league team? And I was like, no, it's a fake team.

[C]

You should have said yes.

[A]

Well, you know, I could have said yes because it didn't say Tampa Bay on it. So I'm like, yeah, it's Tampa Bay, baby. Go shrimp shredders.

[B]

I hope that we should leave some sort of like, time capsule, because I hope in like 200 years somebody digs up a shrimp shredder shirt. And they're like, they used to make penguins play baseball. Like, there's no context. They're like. This must have been like underground rooster fights or something.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I leave time capsules, like in pretty much everywhere I go.

[B]

You spit out your gum.

[A]

Yeah. Into the upper deck of a toilet tank.

[B]

A time capsule.

[A]

A time capsule.

[B]

She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. How come now? I don't know why?

[A]

Does charged mean charged with a crime?

[B]

Sorry, what was that?

[A]

Does charged mean charged with a crime or is it like a battery? Okay, yes.

[B]

And this is almost like this is such a dumb riddle. This is like when people call their boat like, oh, she's a beaut. So this is a man made thing being inanimate object. Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Think historical. Think historically. Responsible for a lot of deaths.

[C]

Can you read it again?

[A]

Is she fucking Titanic again?

[B]

No. She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. So this is something where when you see it, you're like, yeah, of course it's responsible for death. Like, no fucking duh. Not like when you see a rat and you're like, oh, what a weird little creature. She was a guillotine, Aaron. She was Madame Guillotine, the invention of Joseph Guillotine that was used in France to execute people. This riddle.

[C]

We gendered a guillotine and Decided it's a woman. Absolutely not.

[B]

I guess they called it Madame Guillotine.

[A]

Oh, interesting. Was the guy single? This is my wife, Madame Guillotine.

[C]

I hope that that's the cruel nickname my exes have given me.

[B]

Madame Guillotine.

[C]

Guillotine.

[A]

Eren, you are going to be. I want to see a scene. Aaron, you're going to be playing a woman again. All right, yeah, let's mix it up. Okay. Aaron, you're going to be playing a Kaiju. You've just found out from your friend Adol, who. Who kind of let it slip, that your exes have been calling you Madame Guillotine.

[C]

Boy, I need a drink. Thank you for meeting me for happy hour. I've had such a crazy week.

[B]

Oh, same. Yeah. Work's been a real. Just sort of, like, pain in the ass. I feel like my boss is, like, being a real Madame Guillotine.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

Nothing. Madame Guillotine, which is no offense, just. No offense there. So I'm gonna have a Mai Tai. Huh?

[C]

What? Why would it. Why would I be offended by that? That's a term I'm unfamiliar with.

[B]

Oh, sweetie, you haven't heard.

[C]

You don't know what's going on.

[B]

Oh, John. David, my John.

[C]

Hi, David.

[B]

Your exes have found each other on a Reddit thread, and they. They're all calling you Madame Guillotine. And it has spread like wildfire. There are shirts, there's merch. You're being. You know how shit my dad said was turned into a sitcom with William Shatner? They're turning Madame Guillotine into a Primetime sitcom. Reba McIntyre is playing you. You. Well, Madame Guillotine, I guess.

[C]

What? Okay. Seems a little unfair. You cut off the heads of a bunch of animals and all of a sudden you're Madame Guillotine? That's super sexist.

[B]

They found. Yeah, they. They shouldn't have been looking under your bed. I think you deserve your privacy.

[C]

All of my exes found each other on Reddit. Hold on.

[B]

It was under a Am I the asshole? Thread. And they're like, am I the asshole? Because I found severed animal.

[A]

Oh, sorry. Someone from the bar sent you a Mai Tai, ma'.

[C]

Am.

[A]

And then someone else. Actually, a lot of other people from the bar sent you a glass of champagne, So I have 30 glasses of champagne. I'm not sure if you want. I'm just going to put them on the table, and then I guess you can kind of. Well, yeah. A bunch of people have been sending these to you. This is the only French drink that People know about. So there.

[C]

Oh, so people are into Madame Guillotine. They maybe I'll embrace my new nickname.

[B]

Oh, yeah. This is like when people write into a prisoner. Cause they're like, this is hot. Or whatever.

[A]

I shouldn't say this because I could lose my job, but I did watch a lot of people spit in these, just so you know. So I wouldn't drink any.

[C]

Oh, so they're horny too. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of floaters in this champagne. I love it. Cheers to embracing.

[C]

Nope, wait, I'm stuck on my exes finding each other on Reddit. See.

[A]

I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to think of what the Reddit thread that those guys would find each other on.

[B]

Am I the asshole? I dumped the girl? Am I the asshole?

[A]

Just a bunch of like, is this AI and people? Big fake, fake, fake, fake girlfriend. Madame Guillotine. Madame Guillotine.

[B]

Here's one that's, I guess, historical, but also, I think a little bit more fun than the last one. Also, I feel like. Did I read something where it's like the guillotine was used up until like 97 or something?

[C]

I was like, the last one was like, the seventies or something.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Which is kind of terrifying.

[A]

Yeah, it's the guy who shot it.

[C]

Can you imagine being in the 70s and being like, guys, guys, guys, you can kill me, but the guillotine, guys, Seriously, guys.

[A]

Well, come on. They still use it, but just for hands.

[B]

Oh, that's fine.

[A]

It's better. It's better. Can you say it's not better?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I can't. So this is another historical rule.

[C]

I can't believe it's not better.

[B]

In England. Why did rich people pour their tea first and then add milk while poor people poured milk first and then added tea prices?

[A]

Is the answer interesting.

[B]

Show your work on the board, please.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

In England, why did rich people pour their tea first and then add milk while poor people poured milk first and then added tea? Poor people poured is sort of a tongue twister. That's not meant to be any sort.

[C]

Of hint, is it? Because they want to be able to measure the exact amount of milk they're putting in to ration it.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

That'S honestly a phenomenal guess. But that is not what I have here.

[A]

But that is. This is during the Blitz, and there's tea and milk rations.

[B]

Why did rich people pour their tea first and then add milk while poor people poured the milk first? And then added tea.

[A]

Is the crux of this riddle that one of these things is very differently priced? Like, one's much more expensive.

[B]

It definitely has something to do with price in terms of quality.

[A]

Rich people go tea first, then milk.

[B]

Yes. But poor people do milk first and then tea. And it absolutely has something to do with saving money and quality difference in quality of something that they both are using.

[A]

Is the milk both from the same animal?

[B]

Yeah, talking cow. Talking Irish cow.

[A]

Oh, boy. And this is in England. And does the time period matter? Like, is this going to be okay? So this is like, is this like during Mad Cow? Or is this during the Blitz? Or is this during.

[B]

I don't know what era this took place in. I would guess probably. Probably even up to early 1900s, I would guess. But I really have no context because I'm learning something from this riddle.

[A]

Is it? Well, no, because I was like, did England have to import milk? Like, was there no cows or sheep on England for, like, a long time? But that can't be right.

[B]

So I don't think the milk matters. But you are right to kick the tires on the liquid. But think of the other liquid and maybe that might lead you down the road.

[C]

Oh, they only didn't. They didn't have water.

[B]

No.

[A]

Is it because they don't grow tea in England? They had to import all their tea.

[B]

Don't grow tea in England. How dare you.

[A]

It feels like they probably got. It feels like England. If you just look at it, you're like, oh, yeah, nothing could grow there. That's a barren rock.

[B]

So think about. For tea, you need Boston. Sorry. When you pour your tea, it's been steeping in a kettle, presumably, or boiled in a pot, so it's very hot. So ostensibly, the rich people are pouring in very, very boiling hot water and tea first and then adding milk, while the poor people put the milk in first and then the very, very hot boiling.

[A]

Oh. Because these poor idiots are drinking it out of their hands and so they don't want to burn their hands on the hotel where the rich people have cups.

[B]

Hands, Nature's cups.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So think about the boiling hot water with the tea and then also think of the vessel that they're drinking out.

[C]

Wooden sweets.

[A]

Yeah. Do poor people drink it out of what, like a dog bowl?

[C]

I have no idea.

[B]

So why would the rich people be like, put the fucking 200 degree water in first and then who cares? And why would poor people be like, put the room temperature or cold milk first?

[A]

Is it because they don't want Their like cups to break or break.

[B]

100% correct. Rich people had bone china that could handle the hot tea. But poor people had cheap crockery that would crack if hot tea were poured into it. Pouring the tea first became a sign of prosperity.

[A]

That's 100% wild. I had no idea cheap crockery is also just like such a great.

[C]

That's your ex's cruel nickname for you.

[B]

Crocker Shit.

[A]

Yeah. Crocker Shit.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

I do want to see a scene. Jbc. You are a very wealthy person in England having a cup of tea. Aaron, you have won a contest. You're a very poor person who's having tea with a very wealthy person in England. And this is that. That moment.

[C]

Well, I'm honored to be. I'm honored to be here. I Is not so loud. So good for you to have me. Is this seat taken?

[A]

Not.

[C]

This is nice.

[A]

Yes, it's. Please. You're. You're actually here to have tea with me. I'm the governor of this province and you are here to have tea with me. You've.

[C]

Well, well, well. I've never smelled anyone who smells as good as you. And I live in a chimney. It is.

[A]

Yes. Yes. I've heard about your plight and your predicaments and it's all very worrying.

[C]

And there we sound like we grew up on the same block. You. Me.

[A]

Only if you grew up in some sort of basement on my block. And I. But yes, you are. You do. I can understand the words that you are saying. How's that?

[C]

Oh, yes. And I like some tea, please.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Is that Owen? Owen. Oh, old chap. How are you? I simply must meet. Who is this?

[A]

This is the. This is the make you wish.

[B]

Oh, yes. Is this some sort of taming of a shoe situation?

[A]

Literally a make a wish.

[B]

It's sort of 10,000 things I hate about you. Or she's all that situation.

[C]

It's more of a my fair lady situation.

[A]

We've all seen Shakespeare's she's all that. Okay.

[C]

Trying to make me a part of our society. Pours milk in cup. Pours tea and cup.

[A]

They'll do that for you. I'm sorry. She doesn't know. She's brand new here, as it were. Eubie, please. Let the people with the gloves pour the tea. If you don't have gloves, you shouldn't be handling cocks.

[C]

I don't mind doing it myself. I'm starving. All I had this week was two rats.

[A]

Two. So you ate one rat? Said that was a good idea. And then ate another rat.

[C]

They were kebab. They was.

[A]

After the other. I mean, that's. All right. Well, that's. Isn't that nice for you? Well, look at the time. Our contractual tea time is almost at its end. And, you know, we thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for your service. You will be, of course, sacrificed to one of the. We don't say pedophile. What do we say?

[C]

I actually won't.

[B]

Oh, Aaron, I want to hear what you're gonna say.

[C]

I was gonna flip it and have it be that I was the rich person, but.

[B]

Ooh. I am curious of, like, nonce. Nonce.

[A]

Yes, I say nonce.

[B]

From the Netflix series Adolescence. I am curious of, like, if in olden days in, like, England or something, if, like, poor people would go up to a rich person and be like, can we grab tea sometime so I can pick your brain? You know how, like, if someone goes to LA and they know, like, a screenwriter who sold something, they'll be like, can I pick your brain? I'm just curious if the poor dude.

[C]

If they're trying to network.

[A]

Yeah, poor people were trying to network. The difference is back then, everyone had canes and you would just cane a poor person in the street if they tried to network with you.

[B]

We gotta bring back walking sticks.

[A]

I do like a walking stick.

[C]

Yeah, those are fun.

[B]

You know what's also fun is the end of the show where we plug or promote whatever we like. Aaron Keefe, my dear, do you have anything to plug or promote?

[C]

Check out our Patreon. Patreon.com heyriddle Riddle. Lots of fun stuff going on over there. We got a fun October coming up, so that's interesting. And then also come see us live. Heyriddle riddle.com live coming to a city near you this fall, perhaps. So check it out. Adel. Anything to plug.

[B]

Yes, I want to plug our tour. I'm very excited for the remaining cities we're going to, especially Denver, because I feel like I've never done a live show in Denver, so I think that's going to be really fun. Also, you can check out Gum, Shoes and Dragons, our D and D adjacent podcast with Anthony Burch. Our fourth episode is out now.

[A]

Just came out.

[B]

Listen to the back catalog and.

[A]

Yeah, the back catalog. All four episodes. Although if you have been waiting to kind of like, binge it a little bit, four episodes I think is a good place to kind of jump in because you get a lot in that four episodes.

[B]

You got a little road trip coming up or something. Also, hello from the Magic Tavern is on tour, so please check out our cities and dates and hope to see you there. Jpc, Anything to plug or promote.

[A]

We got a review to read. This one is a review. And this is gonna fucking kill you guys. This is from. It says from MWJ8 and it's titled Long Time. Listen to the sixth anniversary episode. And just wanted to say I'm 20 and I've been listening since 2018. You guys have been part of one third of my life. That's crazy, right?

[B]

Holy shit.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

And I would like to say to that person, congratulations on turning 21. Happy birthday. That one's a little old, but hey, I'm getting to them. I'm getting to them.

[B]

Guys, we're getting around to him.

[A]

We're getting around to him.

[B]

Aaron. Of course, Megatron. Was that this episode? Sure, sure. Not from whatever planet JPC said, but is from a different planet.

[C]

I think from Jupiter, if I'm not mistaken.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

That is from Cybertron. How do you guys not know that she's from Cybertron? Megatron's from Cybertron. When the allspark was born.

[C]

What? What's the allspark?

[A]

It doesn't matter. John Patrick Cohen. Casey. Tony did the editing. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emeline Morris. Hey there, teas and crumpets. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We go back to Aaron's morning show, Aaron on the side of T. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com heyridobriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there. That was a Headgum podcast.