#385: I want to say Cookie Wolf?

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #385: I Want to Say Cookie Wolf?

Date: December 3, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Podcast: Hey Riddle Riddle by Headgum

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Episode Overview

In this lively and chaotic episode, Adal, Erin, and JPC, three Chicago improvisers, tackle a fresh batch of riddles, puzzles, “Animal Parade” word games, and hilarious improvised scenes. The episode is classic Hey Riddle Riddle—where the comedy greatly outweighs the riddles, digressions abound, and the trio’s signature chemistry and wit shine throughout. Amidst playful jabs, holiday banter, and riffs on cereal mascots, the hosts also discuss childhood snacks, creative Halloween handouts, and the absurdity of having sugar for breakfast—all while solving (and sometimes stumbling through) genuinely tough riddles.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Segments

Banter & Holiday Stress (02:40–10:30)

• Physical Comedy & Concussions: JPC jokes about a black eye from Black Friday sales, leading to extended banter about concussions, fainting in public, and relatable health anxieties.

  "Do you think you've ever had a concussion, Adal? You played football, right?" – JPC (04:20)

• Travel & Thanksgiving Woes: The hosts discuss their disrupted holiday travel plans, canceled flights, and a potential mega road trip to Philadelphia due to an air traffic controllers' strike.

  "I'm quite worried because I will need to leave literally six days before tour starts." – Erin (09:51)

Social Commentary with Humor (12:13–13:18)

• Elections & Voting: JPC riffs on the state of democracy and how the “devoted few” would make up the electorate if Dance voting required ID, poking fun at both US elections and “Dancing with the Stars.”

  "Our democracy is in absolute tatters. Not really even a democracy to begin with, so just kind of a system of norms that turned out we're not very normed." – JPC (13:10)

Animal Parade Riddles Return (15:21–29:03)

• Introduced by JPC, this beloved game involves replacing well-known animal product mascots with similar-sounding rhyming counterparts or swapping parts of words.
• Cereal Mascot Rhyming Game (16:45–21:17):
  • Guessing new “rhyming” or slant-rhyming names for mascots, such as Smacks (the frog) with “jet packs,” and Cookie Crisp Wolf with a “charming lisp.”
  • Results in the episode's title when Adal improvises as the Cookie Crisp wolf:

    Cookie Wolf Origins:
    "My name is... Oh, no one's ever asked me. I want to say Cookie Wolf." – Adal (19:53)

• Scene: Adal’s wolf tries to entice Erin’s character to eat Cookie Crisp, all while riffing on the absurdity of cereal mascots intruding into daily life and, in this universe, “stealing moms.”

Childhood Snacks & Halloween Candy Philosophy (22:13–25:36)

• The hosts discuss restrictive snack rules growing up, the oddity of being pumped full of sugar as children, and the ethics of handing out candy for Halloween. JPC considers alternatives like Play-Doh and plastic spider rings for next year.

  "I feel very conflicted because around Halloween this year, I do not want to hand out candy because I don't like, condone the eating of candy." – JPC (23:26)

• Funny Neighborhood Traditions: Adal, Erin, and JPC joke about “Easter for Halloween” households who fill eggs with a mix of candy, toys, and actual cash, musing on how to brand oneself as the “wackiest neighbor.”

Animal Parade, Round Two (27:03–29:03)

• Second set of animal-mascot riddles (e.g., lion with a cane, kangaroo with a couch). The improv spins off into elephants wanting drinks after gestating for two years, and puns galore.

Rental Riddle Book Challenge (37:48–64:28)

• JPC introduces riddles from a physically curated “rental riddle book,” whose answers turn out to sometimes be confusing or incomplete.

• Tough word riddles include:

  • Riddle Example:
    "On your back or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter, knowledge you'll land."

    The answer: “Spine”—as in spine of a book (knowledge) and breaking your back (medical bill).

• Scene Interludes:

  • Surgical scene (43:08–46:05): Adal about to get invasive spine surgery from a substitute “clown surgeon” (JPC).
  • Spelling bee sketch (52:48–56:02): Erin intentionally spells the wrong words, the judges get confused, peyote is involved.
  • God Scene (57:33–61:12): JPC is God after creation, Adal is his friend; riffs on “main/many/making” riddle answers, dinner reservations, and biblical family drama.

• Notable Quote:

  "What if we wrote 'please don't fuck my mom', but we just translated it into Japanese and then back to English, and then we did that like six or seven times." – JPC (40:15)

Riddle: "Middle" (61:36–63:38)

• A riddle referencing middle parts, the middle ear, and Middle Earth leads to:

  "The answer is middle. Oh, oh, oh. 'It just takes some time...'" – JPC, breaking into Jimmy Eat World lyrics (63:38)

Final Scenes & Plugs (64:36–67:41)

• Scene: Erin “falls into” Middle Earth and pesters an over-it Gandalf-type JPC; hosts reflect on restaurant etiquette.
• Show plugs: Quality Time (Erin), various podcasts (Adal), and new holiday-themed merch (JPC): “Smacks the frog please don’t fuck my mom” T-shirts and sweater episode merch.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Adal’s “Cookie Wolf” improv:
  "My name is... Oh, no one's ever asked me. I want to say Cookie Wolf." – Adal (19:53)

• On childhood sugar intake:
  "Isn't that insane to just be like, I ate marshmallows for breakfast. I ate 1.3 pounds of marshmallows for breakfast. Ready to learn." – Adal (22:13)

• Meta Comment on Recent Riddles:
  "These are horrible. They're all very hard. I believe in you guys though. You guys are some of my best guys." – JPC (61:12)

• Philosophy on women and elephants:
  "For every woman out there, elephant or not, I hope you die with a... smile on your face at the local watering hole." – Adal & JPC (29:13)

• On Halloween handouts:
  "There was a house in my neighborhood in Chicago that... would dress up in Easter wear... and have eggs [with] one Starburst or a five dollar bill in it." – Erin (24:56)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Physical Comedy & Concussions – 02:40–06:15
• Holiday Travel Problems – 08:50–10:30
• Animal Parade Riddles: Cereal Mascots – 16:45–21:17
• "Cookie Wolf" Scene – 19:19–21:17
• Childhood Snacks Debate – 22:13–25:36
• Animal Parade, Round Two – 27:03–29:03
• Riddle Book Challenges Begin – 37:48
• Clown Surgeon Scene – 43:08–46:05
• Spelling Bee Improv – 52:48–56:02
• "God’s Creation" Improv – 57:33–61:12
• Middle/Seasons/Middle Earth Riddle – 61:36–63:38
• Middle Earth Scene – 64:36–67:12
• Plugs & Closing – 67:41–68:48
• (Skip ads: 00:05–02:40, 28:23–37:48, 31:51–37:48, etc.)

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Tone & Language

The episode’s tone is fast-paced, whip-smart, and playfully irreverent—riff-heavy with relentless digressions and meta asides, and authentic to the hosts' Chicago improv roots. The language is casual, veering into the absurd, and sprinkled with inside jokes for longtime fans (“Smacks the frog please don’t fuck my mom!”).

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Summary

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle embodies the show’s best and silliest qualities: inventive riddles mingled with ridiculous improv, genuine friendship, sharp wit, and barely-concealed chaos. Whether they're pondering why we feed kids so much sugar or improvising as haunted cereal mascots and Old Testament figures, Adal, Erin, and JPC deliver another hilarious, unpredictable, and joy-filled hour—where the riddles matter, but not quite as much as the laughs.

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For more:

• Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon
• Merchandise, including the infamous "Smacks the frog please don’t fuck my mom" shirt: heyriddleriddle.dashery.com

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

Hey, guys, notice anything different about me? Big wooden hat wheels for legs?

[C]

I mean, who. Who are you?

[B]

Yes. Haircut. But also, it's adol.

[C]

Oh, it's adle.

[B]

I'm doing things a little uncommon.

[C]

Then, yes, I notice a lot of different things about you.

[A]

That reminds me, there's so many people still on my list I haven't gotten gifts for. Uncommon Goods makes holiday shopping stress free. Ooh, thank goodness. Thank you, Adolf.

[C]

Doesn't Uncommon Goods look for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S. many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses. So every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Uncommon Goods is fantastic. They have something for everyone. For moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers and sports fans to foodies, mixologists and gardeners, you'll find unforgettable gifts that are anything but ordinary. But also, I kind of changed things up too. Huh?

[C]

What?

[A]

What?

[C]

What is it that you did and why did you do it?

[A]

Haircut.

[B]

Big wooden hat wheels for legs.

[A]

And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date. That's incredible.

[C]

So don't wait for your friends to show up with big wooden hat wheels for legs. And why is the voice different?

[B]

The hat's pushing down real hard.

[C]

The hat's pushing down.

[A]

The hat's heavy on your neck.

[C]

Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable. To get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com Riddle that's UncommonGoods.com Riddle For 15% off, don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods were all out of the ordinary.

[B]

Guys, there's a family of birds in my hat. Can someone get them?

[A]

Can you get em at all? I love when you joke.

[B]

Please help me.

[C]

Quick choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal. Or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not Belgium McDelivery. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an icicle. And the horses named.

[A]

JJPC. You have a black eye. Is that from the Black Friday sales? Did you try to get a new flat screen TV and sort of get into it?

[C]

I tried to get flattened on my screen by a TV there. I got in a fist fight.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

I got a fist fight in concussion.

[B]

All right, let me shine this flashlight in your eyes.

[A]

Why my eyes? He's the one with the concussion.

[B]

Just trying to get that reflection going. They're like little chiseled diamonds there in your eyes.

[A]

Thank you, Adol. I feel like you might have a concussion. Let me just shine a light in your eyes.

[B]

Yeah, I went to ask JPC what was wrong with him and I bonked heads so hard.

[C]

I see a lot of reflections coming from your eyes. Those look like.

[B]

Oof.

[C]

And I hate to say it, conflict diamonds, which, as you know.

[B]

Oh, no, I was going for a lab grown.

[C]

No, we have to take them out because, you know, it's pretty unethical to have those, even if they are in your eyes.

[B]

Yeah, that's what Bono sings.

[C]

That's what Bono sings.

[B]

Sunday, Sunday she will be loved.

[C]

We love Bono. We love Bono, folks. Don't we? Don't we love Bono? Happy years.

[A]

The studio audience just went crazy.

[B]

Listen, he's giving it his all. What it is, I don't know.

[C]

He's giving it his all.

[A]

He's wearing sunglasses and he's doing something.

[C]

He's giving it his all. That's how I should have said it. Fuck. Welcome to hey Riddle Riddle, a podcast about the holiday season.

[A]

Three concussed hosts talking about how Bono always gives it his all.

[C]

You think you've ever had a concussion? Adol, you played football. You've had a concussion, right?

[B]

Um, probably, yeah. Yeah. Sometimes the helmet pops off, Sometimes the ball goes too hard.

[C]

Do you think. Do you think you've had a concussion as an adult?

[B]

Um, I don't think so, but I've fallen pretty hard.

[C]

Yeah. I saw somebody hit their head once, like going into an entryway, like a low entryway.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And as soon as I saw it, I was like, they had a concussion.

[A]

You knew?

[C]

Like, it was like I could feel the concussion in my body. I was like. I felt my brain get rattled a bit.

[B]

You got an empathetic concussion?

[C]

I think I got a. Yeah, a sympathy concussion.

[A]

What happened next? Did you get.

[C]

Oh, they fell. They fell down and they were out of it and kind of just sat with them for a while.

[B]

You didn't stare straight ahead like a maniac while people took photos of you?

[A]

Oh, we're referring to nothing. That's nothing. That's been in the news for you referring to Bono.

[C]

Well, you know, in that guy's defense, once you're up, your legs are locked. And once they're locked in place, that's going to take, what, 25, 30 minutes to get those bad boys unlocked. You're going to have to have your wax guy come in, grease up the knees.

[A]

It's only a matter of time until I faint in the public space while I'm standing behind someone giving a speech. So I'm counting my days till that happens.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, but fainting, as long as there's someone there to, like, hopefully catch you a little bit, then you're probably not gonna get a concussion. But fainting is also terrifying. It's a. To see someone faint and to be the victim of a faint.

[B]

Aaron, I think when you eventually faint in public. Cause I agree. It will happen.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

It'll be like that scene in Princess Bride when Robin Wright jumps out of the window into Andre the Giant's arms. Hello. Hello, lady.

[A]

Except I'm Andre the Giant, and I've passed out, and I drop her.

[B]

Hello, lady.

[A]

I would actually like to see a scene. Is that so insane?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Great.

[B]

We do have to check you for a concussion.

[A]

I get that. Jvc, you are at a concert, and you're a little dehydrated, and. And Adel, you are fainting. The concept of fainting. And you're going to, like, tap on his shoulder and tell him it's his time and that he's about to faint.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Whoa. Hey. This is one of my favorite songs of theirs.

[C]

I think I need to get some. I think I need to get some water.

[B]

No, no. You won't be getting to the water in time. Hey, you enjoying the concert?

[C]

Huh?

[B]

You enjoying the concert? Yeah, I mean, how to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.

[C]

Pretty sweet tour this is. For my money, this has to be their best album.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Name one of your favorite songs from.

[C]

How to Dismantle an Atomic Bond.

[B]

Ooh, Atomic bond. Yeah, about 10, 15 seconds tops.

[C]

Okay. I want to say she will be loved by Maroon 5.

[A]

Babe, are you okay?

[C]

Oh, thank God. No, I think I need to. My, like, legs are.

[B]

Nod your head no, but say yes.

[C]

Do what?

[B]

Nod your head no, but say yes. Oh, you're already doing it.

[C]

That's like a pat. Pat your belly and pat your head or whatever. Right?

[B]

It's time. Time?

[C]

What?

[B]

It's time. Good night, my sweet Brits.

[C]

Stranger.

[B]

My sweet Brits.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know. Okay, well. Hey, what are you doing? Who is this?

[A]

I punch fainting in the base scene.

[C]

That's how Adol got his black eye.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Hey, what if we. We've been so good lately.

[C]

No, we've eaten all. Have we Eren been so good lately.

[B]

We deserve a little treat.

[A]

Yeah. Let's do a Patreon just cause.

[B]

Let's make a main feed a Patreon and make a Patreon a main feed. Let's punish those who pay us and reward.

[A]

Yes. I mean, we've been doing that the whole time.

[C]

You get to do another Patreon right after this. Aaron, can't you just wait?

[A]

No, I want.

[C]

Can't you just wait for your cake?

[A]

I want.

[B]

Now you got Patreon in my main feed. You got main feed in my Patreon. Reese's peanut butter cups.

[C]

Reese's peanut butter cups. How was everybody's holiday? Did everybody. Did everybody have a good Thanksgiving?

[A]

People are not under the impression that we record the day before these comes out. These come out. We don't have to put on airs. Although, speaking of, is now a good time to talk about how stressed I am? All of my flights to the east coast for tour and the holidays have gotten canceled.

[C]

I wonder how that's gonna work. And by the time this has come out, it's already worked out.

[B]

We did the tour and it was amazing.

[C]

We know how the tour ended.

[A]

I might need to drive six days to get there.

[C]

I did look at. Luckily it's air traffic controllers, luckily that are shutting down, which is why airplanes and airports are shutting down at canceling flights and not trains. And on the east coast there is a way to take a train if you need to. But if my flight to Philadelphia gets canceled, I'm just like driving to Philadelphia, I guess. I guess Adel and I are bundling up and we're making our. Making the 14 hour drive to fucking Philadelphia.

[B]

Another road trip.

[C]

Another road trip.

[A]

I'm quite worried because I will need to leave literally six days before tour starts.

[C]

Yeah, it would be harder for her, right? You're right.

[B]

Didn't Willy Wonka or someone build like a bullet train from LA to Philly? That happened this year, right?

[A]

Yeah, that happened in between recording and.

[B]

The Wonka tunnels under Vegas.

[C]

How long was he out? How long was Adolf's concussion?

[A]

I don't know. I think it's still happening.

[C]

Did he give himself a real concussion from the scene?

[B]

Nepal's letting people in now, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So everything's fucked. But you know what the answer to.

[A]

This first riddle is? Water park.

[C]

I think, though, ultimately, it could be kind of a blessing in disguise, because if you are a person, which many people are, who does not like to see their family during the holidays, this is kind of like the perfect excuse to get all your shit canceled. You're like, ah, that's true. I'd love to come home and get in a fight with Uncle Chris about, you know, immigration, but it really looks like it's not gonna be happening for me this year.

[A]

I unfortunately love my family, and Thanksgiving's the only one everyone goes to.

[C]

You don't love all of them.

[B]

Whoa, Jeeps. You got thrown under the bus.

[A]

No, actually, think about that.

[C]

She said a bunch. Mitch, Aunt Catherine. Oh, one of your sisters.

[A]

The big two, specifically.

[C]

You know, like, I know that. I know a bunch of all of them. Aaron's family members by name, but I.

[A]

You really just guess biblical names and you're halfway there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all you remember.

[C]

Is there a Molly in the Bible?

[A]

Yeah, she's the one that cut that baby in half. Right?

[B]

Smith song. Right. Molly in the Bible.

[C]

King Molly from the Bible is the.

[A]

Enter water park to this first riddle. Did I call the shot?

[C]

You called the shot, but nobody knows what you were shooting at or why. So I'll give you a point.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because I feel bad for you.

[A]

Thank you, Ad. I'll be happy for me.

[B]

Yay.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Hello, lady.

[C]

But I did want.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. At this point, I know who won. Dancing with the Stars.

[C]

Isn't that fun? Unless the government shutdown has affected which stars were allowed to dance.

[A]

I bet it has.

[C]

Yeah. Because if they shut down NASA, then they couldn't get the telescope to the stars, and so they were unable to distinguish the stars from each other.

[B]

Dancing. We've been dancing with the Quasars this whole time.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I bet it's Andy Richter. Aaron.

[A]

Everyone's gonna be so pissed if it's him. I'm gonna be so excited, though.

[C]

I think that they'll get it straightened out. Trump is gonna take care of election reform, and so that'll probably apply to Dancing with the Stars as well.

[A]

He might win Dancing with the Stars this year.

[C]

Good point. What if Dancing with the Stars you. So if you went in person, voted, and you had to show your id.

[A]

I would make it every single week.

[C]

It would go down from, like, 50 million people that vote to, like, 1 million people, but they would be the most devoted. Like, it'd be like, how US Elections work. Where it's like, hey, pretty great turnout this year. 45%. That's not bad. We're going to do more of Zoe. We're going to do more of. Yeah. Our democracy is in absolute tatters. Not really even a democracy to begin with, so just kind of a system of norms that turned out we're not very normed. We're going to do more schools.

[B]

We all went to high school. And the dumbest pigs are running the farm. The meanest bullies you've ever experienced.

[A]

Hi, everybody. We here at hey Riddle Riddle are trying to do escapism best we can, but sometimes the dam breaks and the pain comes through.

[C]

Zoe listed some more of these Animal Parade riddles that we did last time I was in charge of. Um. And I love these. Can I just say I love these.

[A]

Wait, sorry. Is Old Man Puzzles in charge all of a sudden? Is Old Man Puzzles the one that is allowed to make the final call? Like, if I got really hurt and had a medical situation right now, would you get to make the choices for me? Because you're Old Man Puzzles.

[C]

Do you become default dnr?

[B]

Do you not resuscitate?

[C]

Oh, is that what that means?

[A]

You didn't even ask what was medically wrong with me. I don't like that.

[C]

I think don't ask, don't tell Larry. Don't ask, don't tell dmb. Not my business. Just kill her. I don't need to know.

[A]

It's a broken arm, sir.

[B]

She's up in bed talking. No dnr.

[C]

What the is an arm? I mean, if that breaks, you're pretty, right? I didn't even know that I had one.

[A]

Adol. You're. You're gonna be making all my medical choices. Adol. You are the default Old Man Puzzles. You created the show. You were the first Old Man Puzzles. So if anything goes awry here, I think you need to take over.

[B]

You're saying I have power of attorney?

[A]

I regret bringing any of this up.

[B]

Well, I regret that we simply must do an animal parade. Do. Do. Deet. You did say animal Parade, Puzzle. Just to make quite sure, you did say animal parade.

[C]

No. Who. I'm in charge.

[A]

Adult that looked like someone who is like, the first marching band in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Took one step and fell and ate immediately, Sir.

[B]

It's. It's September 24th, and I'm like, oh, am I early?

[A]

They blow the whistle. They're like. And. And fall.

[C]

We were. We. We were going to do more of Zoe's Animal Parade riddles. The Riddles that Zoe submitted based off of loosely off of animal parade.

[B]

So no parade.

[C]

But I was going through these and I think we're going to skip around. I'm going to. They. They submitted more than we are going to end up using. But I want to do this one because I think this one is very fun. So if you remember, we're doing an.

[A]

Animal parade intro first.

[C]

No, we're not doing an animal parade because we're not doing an article and we're not spending a lot of time on these.

[B]

So jpc, we're not going to do like, I don't know, a snail with a full on permission.

[A]

A manatee who just cut their bangs.

[C]

No, we are not doing the segment Animal parade. I cannot be. No, it was the whole episode. Last episode. I cannot.

[A]

Seagull with a buzz cut.

[C]

We have much more to do today than these animal parade riddles. We are finishing these up from the last episode. You already had your cake. You cannot have two cake.

[B]

Let them eat cake.

[C]

That's a bad thing. When that lady said that I hate cake, it was a bad thing.

[A]

Teacher's so mean.

[B]

Teacher.

[A]

Although when I'm teacher, I really like when you guys respect and listen to me.

[C]

Here's. Okay, I'll give you a refresher on the game, but the game is I'm gonna give you four animals and then you're going to have and then I'm gonna give you the lost animals and I can also give you the lost items and then you'll have to give me. So it's like four animals lose their items. Then you'll have to give me what you think the answers are. Okay.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

So your first one is a tiger with pancakes, a rabbit with drumsticks, a cuckoo bird or a cuckoo bird with earmuffs and a toucan with news groups.

[B]

These are all cereal mascots with pancakes.

[C]

What was Adam, you are correct. These are all cereal mascots. You have it, but you're lost animals now. So yeah, it's pancakes, drumsticks, earmuffs and news groups. The lost animals that you're looking for to solve for are bee, frog and wolf.

[A]

Honey nut. Cheerios.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

So how are we getting to frog?

[A]

Tony the tiger smacks them in the lips.

[B]

Frosted Flakes. But here he. Oh. Frosted Flakes. Pancakes.

[C]

What was the second one was a rabbit with drumsticks.

[B]

Rabbit. Rabbit would be tricks. Drumsticks.

[C]

Okay, got it.

[B]

So Cheerios would be.

[A]

He's a genius. He's doing this.

[B]

Merry souls.

[C]

Now. One of the reasons Why I said it was hard was they really couldn't come up with something that rhymed with Cheerios. So this is the slantiest of slant rhymes. So if you could get something that kind of sounds like Cheerios.

[B]

Cheerios. Mary souls. Cheerios.

[A]

Scary Hoes.

[C]

Aaron, I'll give you a Scary Hoes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I wish you wouldn't.

[C]

They had stereos. But I think stereos and scary hoes is close enough. So I'll give you Scary Hoes.

[B]

Smacks to flapjacks. Smacks. Snacks.

[A]

Cracks.

[B]

Cracks.

[A]

Checks.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, that works. Again, the one that they had something that rhymes, but you got something that rhymed as well. They had a frog with jet packs. Okay.

[B]

Oh, it can be non food items.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like earmuffs, news groups.

[B]

Cause hoes. I figured. Okay, nevermind. Yeah, Wolf. And then your last one is Cokey Crisp. Is that a wolf?

[C]

Yeah, it is. Okay, you got the cereal right. So what does the wolf have?

[B]

Koki Crisp.

[A]

Charming lisp.

[C]

A lisp. That's actually the one that they had. You got that one right on the money. Well, I want to. I do want to see a scene. This is kind of our. Really our bread and butter. I want to see a scene. Adol, you are the wolf. I think it is on the Cookie Crisp box. And you are talking to Aaron, who is a child, through the box.

[A]

Not again, Mom.

[C]

Beth.

[B]

No.

[A]

Beth.

[B]

Beth, listen. It's time to try me out.

[A]

No.

[B]

No more Rice Krispies. Try Cookie Crisp.

[A]

Hey. Hey.

[B]

I never realized that I sound like Pennywise.

[A]

Yep. Yeah. Hey, last time this happened, a frog came.

[B]

Fucked your mom.

[A]

Yeah. Came out of the box, fucked my mom. And they got married last year in Vegas.

[B]

Oh, congratulations.

[A]

My stepdad, he's actually at my parent teacher conference right now. I can't do this. What's your name?

[B]

My name is. Oh, no one's ever asked me. I want to say Cookie Wolf.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But that could be a TV on the Radio album.

[A]

My mom is freshly fucked, so got that under control. This has been devastating for me. I'm getting teased at school. My stepdad's a frog. You understand.

[B]

Yes. I was teased at school, too. I had a charming lisp. Charming lisp.

[A]

Okay. Cookie Wolf. You seem great. Your dessert for breakfast. Oh, this is awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if I should be eating down there.

[C]

Honey.

[A]

Good, good.

[C]

Mom.

[B]

Yeah? Wait, mom, no, I don't.

[A]

You don't want to fuck my mom?

[B]

I do, but.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Honey, how serious are you about smacks?

[C]

Honey, I can't hear you. I just got out of the shower. Do you want me to come down there?

[A]

Do you want me to introduce you?

[B]

If I bite you, do you turn into cereal?

[A]

Never mind.

[C]

See, this is. This is viral marketing for our Smex the Frog please don't fuck my mom shirt that we have in the tea public store right now. Click the link in the show description if you want to go pick that up. Can you imagine, perfect for the holidays.

[B]

A box of cereal that says, the cereal that fucks your mom.

[A]

I mean, now I can.

[C]

Would you believe that I felt like I could not, when I commissioned this specific piece of artwork, that I could not put the words fuck my mom on the box? So I had. I said, we'll kind of cleverly allude to it, but I don't think anyone's gonna wear a shirt with the word unless the shirt just says, please fuck. Please don't fuck my mom.

[A]

Well, put it on the back of the shirt. Cause that's what you did with your demographic shirt. And people wear that in public.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Can you imagine. I know being a teacher right now is incredibly hard and maybe the worst time in history, but. But can you imagine being a teacher? Why?

[C]

What happened?

[A]

What? Can you imagine being a teacher in, like, 1997, and you have a class filled with students who had cookies for breakfast, trying to teach them. Their brains are literally. They just had a ton of sugar and dessert an hour ago, and now they're loose until it's dunkaroo time in the middle of the day to gobble.

[B]

Down a bowl of mostly marshmallows?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Isn't that insane to just be like, I ate marshmallows for breakfast. I ate 1.3 pounds of marshmallows for breakfast. Ready to learn.

[A]

Pumped them filled with sugar, and was like, okay, go learn how to be a doctor. Let's do this.

[C]

It's.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't. Yeah. I mean, I. I think that there's like. I mean, there's just a lot, a lot wrong with that scenario. But my mom, when we were growing up, we weren't allowed to have sugar cereal, and we weren't allowed to have, like, soda. And I'm like, I did. I had a lot of sugar cereal, and I had a lot of soda. But I'm also grateful that I didn't, like, looking back on it now. I'm like, I was prevented from eating a lot of shit that I should not have ever consumed that I am grateful for that. Even though at the time, I was like, I'm going to hide cans of mountain Dew in the couch so that no one could take them from me.

[A]

I.

[C]

You know, that's addict behavior.

[A]

I was going to say that, but I. I think my mom, looking back, should have gotten better snacks. The best we would ever have is cheez its sometimes. Or Cape cod potato chips. I ended up hitting my head all the time. Speaking of concussions, I ended up not turning out right. I could have used a better snack. I could have used some gushers from time to time.

[B]

Oh, gushers. Top tier snack.

[C]

I feel very conflicted because around Halloween this year, I do not want to hand out candy because I don't like, condone the eating of candy. It's not something that we eat in my house. And I hate that. I'm like, well, yeah, but I'll just, like, I'll just feed all of the neighborhood children full of candy. But then again, I don't want to be the house on Halloween. That's like giving out like a nice shiny apple. But as I was walking around trick or treating, I haven't been trick or treating, you know, obviously in decades. I was like, well, what the fuck do people get? That's not.

[A]

He said that like he's been in disguise several times, but keep going.

[C]

Yeah, I'm just taking candy that other kids would be getting and throwing them at the Dubster. It's like the trick or treat Grinch. But I was like, I don't want to buy candy. And I did. I ended up buying candy this year to hand out. But I saw so many people having awesome. Like, I wrote on all these ideas for like non candy things that people were giving out on Halloween. People were giving out these, like, little like single, like play doh things. People were giving out like little like bibles, you know, not necessarily better, but little like plastic spider rings, like little like five simple toy things. People were giving out little like bags of cheese puffs. Like, I don't know, like, I don't even know what the brand were, but they were just like a ton of little things. Some. Some snacks, some toys, some things like that that were not candy. And I was like, okay, cool. So this is the last year. This is the last year that I do candy. And next year I'm doing like little trinkets.

[A]

There was a house in my neighborhood in Chicago that it was really funny. They would dress up in easterwear, the mom and dad that was handing out candy and they'd have eggs and some of them would have one starburst in it or a little Halloween toy. But some of them had five dollar bills in it. So people would go, there's this excitement about what you could get in your egg.

[C]

But isn't that fun? I gotta say, that's Easter. That's something about Easter.

[A]

But that's a funny bit. To be the person in your neighborhood.

[C]

Who'S like, being funny, where these people just do it. Like, these are like breakfast for dinner people. We're like, we just do Easter for Halloween. We do Flag Day for Christmas.

[B]

You ready to order apps? I'll do the cheesecake. The cheesecake.

[A]

We're kind of one of those fun couples.

[C]

We're a deranged family.

[A]

But you hitting on, like, a toy or play DOH is not. You're not establishing your brand as the craziest guy in the neighborhood. Like, I think you need to do. You're a professional comedian. You're exceptionally insane. Like, maybe hand out something that is a representation of your branding.

[B]

And I do. Oh, yep, I do see that there is a. All right, here we go. Let me just press this button. It's the craziest man in the neighborhood. The wackiest dude in the town. The weirdest man in Halloween is JP Riddle, Halloween recap.

[C]

Can I.

[A]

Can I also say, eats his sweater and takes off his shoes and throws them through a window.

[B]

JP Casually brushing aside the call for JP riddles.

[C]

Very much my vibe in my neighborhood is the most low effort person in the neighborhood. That's like, that's the brand that I have built up over the past five years.

[A]

It's a city brand. You can do better.

[C]

And I will also say, even if I tried, I would be nowhere near the craziest motherfucker in the neighborhood because there are some crazy motherfuckers in my neighborhood. And Aaron, you're gonna love this. They're not doing it to be funny. Okay. A lion with a cane, kangaroo with a couch, rhino with some corn, and a shark with a pin.

[B]

Now, is some corn? Is that. Is it necessary to say some?

[C]

No, I just think it's just. If you say acorn, it sounds like acorn.

[B]

I see.

[C]

Yeah. Or so it's just corn.

[A]

Is this a rhino corn or like a. Does it rhyme with where they live or something about them?

[C]

Something about them, not where they live, but yes, something about them.

[B]

So kangaroos have pouches.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

This kangaroo had a couch. Lions have manes. This one has a cane. Rhinos have horns. This has corn. Sharks have fins. This one has a fin.

[C]

Okay, so your lost animals are a camel, an elephant, and a lobster.

[B]

Camels have mumps. Elephants have trunks. Skunks.

[A]

Skunks.

[C]

Okay, that works. Did you have what was you want for camel? You just said mumps.

[B]

Humps to mumps, I guess.

[C]

Humps to mumps. Okay, but what's your. And lobster.

[B]

Lobsters have shaws. Have shawls. No, that doesn't rhyme with claws.

[C]

Claws.

[A]

Claws.

[C]

Lobsters have what, Aaron?

[A]

Claw flaws. They have flaws.

[C]

Yes. So you got it. It was flaw. Was right on the money. So Eren gets two bonus points. Um, the elephant has a drunk and the camel has a pump.

[B]

The elephant has a drunk. Yeah. That makes more sense than mine.

[C]

What was yours?

[A]

I was just pregnant for two years. I was just pregnant for two years. What? A can of a drink after making an elephant? I was pregnant for two years.

[C]

Yeah. Adel, you're going to be that guy to deny the elephant a drink after they were pregnant for two years.

[A]

I want sushi. I want soft cheeses. I want to get margaritas with my girls.

[C]

An elephant can't have sushi.

[A]

Oh, can't it?

[C]

That's like grapes for a dog. It's poison for an elephant.

[A]

No, it's not. Yeah, I like upsetting my tummy a little bit, but I'm mostly just having the best time out here. I'm take a bath.

[C]

Mother elephant found dead after consuming sushi, which, as we know, is like grapes for dogs.

[A]

And guess what? She died smiling. Bitch.

[C]

Aw. That's the bar. As long as you die with a smile on your face, you could go out however you want.

[A]

That's my dream. For every woman out there, elephant or not, I hope you die with a.

[B]

Smile on your face at the local watering hole.

[A]

Free as a bird.

[C]

Oh, I had a dream about every woman.

[A]

Every woman.

[C]

And you know how I want to go out, Aaron?

[A]

On a break.

[C]

With a break. Yeah, with an ad break. That's how I want to go out. You got it, Aaron. That's another two points. 1, 2, 3, 4, 8. Ritual. Ritual. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

[B]

Excuse me, you two travelers. I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

[A]

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2019?

[B]

Oh, I'm from the past.

[A]

Oh, that makes more sense.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need and we'll kind of be on our way?

[B]

500 bucks.

[C]

Okay, well, hey, 500 bucks. If you have that kind of money. Squarespace. Well, hold on. Wait. How do I tie this in? How do I tie this in? I won't. I'll just say. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Hey, street street con man. Maybe if you had a Squarespace website, you wouldn't have to approach people on the street.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I could just do like a video of this. Because Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Oh, that'd be so much easier.

[A]

Hey, guy from the past, or whatever your thing is, get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Did you know most of those words, guy from the past?

[B]

Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff and I'm from now.

[C]

Okay, guy from the past. I have a great. Looks like the domain www.GuyFromThePastWho needs $500. Com is still available. Now here's the thing. I know that when we mention stuff in ads, people buy the websites. Guys, if you want to, just make sure you head to squarespace.com riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code riddle.

[A]

I love our listeners. That's insane.

[B]

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.

[C]

Okay, so it's gonna be a bidding war on that fake website.

[B]

What is a website?

[A]

There we go. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Countdown over. It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts.

[B]

I'm so excited.

[A]

I'm gonna decorate. I'm gonna buy gifts.

[C]

Aaron, Aaron, slow down. You sound and look stressed. But Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting. With thousands of unique, high quality finds you won't see anywhere. Aaron, how does that make you feel?

[A]

Oh, I feel way better.

[B]

Yeah, Aaron, you should feel even better. Because Uncommon Goods, their items are crafted by independent artists and small businesses, making every gift feel meaningful and truly one of a kind.

[A]

And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

[C]

Plus, Uncommon Gifts has something for everyone. From moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and Die Hard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners. You'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else. And again, they want me to differentiate. That is Die Hard fans and football fans. I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the Mejer motion picture Die Hard, but you can look.

[B]

And Ms. Keefe, can I tell you, last year, my parents got me common goods. I got like, a bag of flour and a brick.

[A]

Well, that's no fun.

[B]

No, I want Uncommon Goods.

[A]

That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments. Get some Christmas candles. Get some stuff for Christmas and put it in your house.

[C]

Hey, whatever you do, don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com Riddle that's UncommonGoods.com Riddle for 15% off. Uncommon Goods were all out of the ordinary.

[B]

But don't take it from them. Take it from me, cousin Kringle.

[A]

That's fun.

[C]

That's fun.

[A]

Probably should have done it at the beginning though, right?

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Stay on that side of the street. Oh. Stay over there.

[B]

Do you need me to start the ad?

[C]

No, stay.

[A]

Everybody say thank you, Ms. Erin. I thanked you guys in the other ones.

[C]

You want to thank me?

[A]

Not getting thanked. Oops.

[C]

Uh.

[A]

Oh, here we go. Adelgpc. I need to get a last minute gift for my parents. Forgot to get them something. Maybe something sentimental that they can use around the house. Panicking, Panicking.

[B]

Baby, calm down. You got an ace up your sleeve, baby.

[A]

So many cards up my sleeve.

[B]

The best gift you can get a parent or really anyone in your life is an aura frame. Have you heard of this? You seen this?

[A]

Ooh. Okay, I'm already feeling a little calming.

[C]

You came to the right place, Aaron. That's why they call me Mr. Last Minute. It's not because I'm the last thing that you see before you die. I don't know who started that rumor. It's not true. You see a bunch of cool stuff and it's your life, and I don't take you or usher you off.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[C]

We're talking about aura frames. You can upload unlimited photos and videos. Just download the Aura app and connect to WI Fi. Plus you can preload photos before it ships so you can send Photos from anywhere, anytime, to the aura frame that you give as a gift.

[B]

And Aaron, here's something parents go nuts for. You can share photos and videos effortlessly. So if Gemma and I go on a fun trip, I upload some of those pics to my mom's frame. She's going nuts. She's loving it. She feels like she's engaged with my life.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Awesome. And also, they have a gift box included, so every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. Oh, thank goodness. Oh, phew. Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Take it from me, Mr. Last Minute, aka the Grim Rapper. Hit the beat for a limited time save on the perfect gift by visiting or frames.com to get $35 off or's best selling car for matt frames. Name number one by wire cutter by using promo code riddle at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com, promo code riddle. Oh, and this deal is exclusive to listeners. And frames sell out fast. So order yours now and get it on time for the holidays. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[B]

And Aaron, it's just a placeholder. We're going to get, like, an actual, like, rapper musician in touch.

[A]

Great, because that whole character is very confusing.

[C]

The Grim rapper. Mr. Last minute. What's not there to get?

[A]

Mr. Last minute is so funny. My name is Cyborg Monday, and I am feeling very tired. I need a place to rest my weary head.

[B]

Oh, probably Cyborg spelled S I G H, don't you think? JPC. Yeah, see, Cyborg, you should lay down on JPC's Helix mattress.

[A]

Oh, amazing.

[C]

Or Cyborg. And not that I wouldn't love to have your oily body all over my mattress. You could take the Helix sleep quiz. They'll get to match you with the perfect mattress. And then you could get your own Helix mattress.

[A]

Ooh. Calculating. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. I just got matched with the midnight luxe. Yum, yum, yum. Very good sleep.

[B]

Sounds more like researching than calculating. But don't forget, Cyborg Helix offers free shipping and seamless delivery. They deliver the mattress right to your door. Assuming you have a door either at your home or built into your body.

[A]

Beep boop up.

[B]

Free shipping in the US plus they.

[C]

Have 120 night sleep trial. What is time to a cyborg? And a limited lifetime warranty. But don't just take our word for it. Right now is the Cyber Monday sale.

[A]

Best of the way, Cyborg Monday.

[C]

No, it's Cyber Monday. I don't. Your thing is different people.

[A]

Bob.

[C]

27% off site wide and that is exclusive for listeners of. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Just go to helixsleep.com riddle for the Cyber Monday sale. That's 27% off site wide. Helixsleep.com riddle Cyber Monday sale. Make sure you enter our show name into the post purchase survey so they know we sent you. Helixsleep.com Riddle I am the one that.

[A]

Did the silly voice this time. Can you believe it? A beep boop bop.

[C]

We just met you, E.B.

[A]

Boop.

[C]

All right. We are back. And some time at some point someone gave me a rental book. Was it while we were on tour? Could have been. Was it something that someone mailed us? Very possible.

[A]

Adel and I have something we want to say.

[C]

Please.

[A]

We have decided that we want to unionize and we're going on strike against Old Man Puzzle. You've been throwing your weight around this episode. It made us feel very small. We want health insurance. We want eight weeks paid time off.

[C]

I'll give Adel health insurance because he'll never use it. You can have zero health insurance.

[B]

What?

[C]

Health insurance for you, Aaron, would bankrupt us. It would destroy the show.

[B]

Aaron, I think this is good. I think this is as good as we're gonna sort of get.

[A]

I want eight weeks paid time off. I want you to pay for my apartment.

[C]

Aaron, you have that. You. You work at most four hours a week. You have eight weeks paid time off.

[A]

You. I'm. Excuse me. I would like to not do a scene ever again. I would like. I would like to be able to call whatever scene I want. Adel, what are your demands?

[B]

My demands were actually met. So I'm actually gonna sit down. What do you mean I need to sit down?

[A]

You're scab.

[B]

I need to sit down. Huh?

[C]

No. He's not a scap. He caught his demands. But yeah, you guys just weren't a marketing unit. You guys forgot to.

[B]

Aaron, I'm go ahead and deflate this big rat we bought.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

It's $300 a day and I can't. We have to deflate this big rat.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Oh my God.

[A]

I thought back to working for the man.

[C]

That was why he caved. I thought that thing was going to eat me.

[A]

All right. Ready for this riddle book that someone handed you at some point.

[C]

Someone did a really nice thing though when they. Let's see. Did they write their name on? Maybe. Maybe. They probably wrote a really nice letter or something that I've thrown away. But they didn't realize it when they handed me this riddle book or the synth of this riddle book, where they tabbed out with these, like, nice colorful tabs which are the best riddles in the book. Now, some of them are visual riddles, so I'd have to just skip them anyway.

[B]

A riddle sommelier.

[C]

Yeah. Huh. Is that. Sure.

[B]

Picking out the best.

[C]

Yeah, I guess so.

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

Curating experience.

[C]

So this is a curated riddle experience. Here's your first riddle from this curated riddle experience from this book. The font on the front of this book is so hard to read that I'll just never know what the book is called.

[B]

Oh, take a picture of that font and let's use it for the shirt that says, please don't fuck my mom.

[A]

Ah.

[C]

What if we wrote please don't fuck my mom, but we just translated it into Japanese and then back to English, and then we did that like six or seven times.

[A]

Oh, guys, can we write it in wing dings? Come on.

[B]

The wind will never know the touch of a femme. I guess.

[C]

Okay, here's your first one. On your back or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

[B]

Latter, I'm assuming with T's, not D's.

[C]

Oh, yeah, baby. T's not D's.

[B]

T's to get degrees on your back. On your back or hold me in your hand.

[C]

On your back or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

[B]

So back would be break and you get a bill. So on your back probably has to do with the bill being paid.

[C]

On your back or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand. Break the latter. Knowledge, you'll land.

[B]

So if you hold it in your hands and break it, you'll get knowledge. Is this like a book?

[C]

Fortune cookie Adol. A book is part of it. We're actually looking for, like, two things. And one of the things is a book.

[B]

The second one's a book, a checkbook.

[C]

Break the ladder. Knowledge, you'll land.

[B]

That's not the book one.

[C]

That's the book one. That is the book. That's not the book one. Yeah, but the answer's not book. But it's describing a book. Yes.

[B]

Interesting. On your back. Bill to demand.

[C]

What would you break on a book to land some knowledge?

[B]

Egg. Ah, we both said egg.

[C]

Well, just because that's like an answer to, like, riddles. Is that why you said that?

[B]

Yeah. Let's Say yeah. And then I. Yeah. It's not that I don't know how.

[A]

To read or how to cook an egg.

[C]

Honestly, if the book is hot enough, like, if it's a Dan Grisham, you could cook an egg on it. Is it Dan Grisham? No, it's John Grisham. Grisham, right.

[B]

Dan Brown and John Grisham.

[C]

Dan Brown.

[B]

Charlie's dead on its back.

[C]

So. Yeah. This is a part of a book.

[A]

Spine.

[B]

Oh. If you break your spine, you have to pay the medical bills.

[C]

Not you at all.

[B]

Not me, because I don't use my health insurance.

[C]

Well, no, you haven't. You negotiated for it. Yeah, yeah. Now, more likely.

[A]

What did I get?

[C]

You'll break. You didn't get anything, Aaron. Adol got everything.

[A]

What happened?

[C]

You'll break your spine and you'll be like, I think my spine hurts. I think my spine hurts now. Okay, you could. You could go see a spine doctor. You don't have to. I'm not making you go see a spine doctor.

[A]

I would like to see a scene. Adl. You are someone who is about to get a very invasive spine surgery. Jpc. You're the substitute doctor that showed up that day, and you're trying to inspire confidence in Adel.

[B]

I've never had a spinal tap before. So the needle goes into my. Into my spine?

[C]

Yeah, it's going to go into the base of your spine, but it's going to feel very sharp. And I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna feel painful for a moment. But when we give you the spinal tap, that's also how we're going to give you all of your painkillers for the procedure. So after that, you will not feel a thing.

[B]

And Dr. Richards is. He's. There's no way to get him on call or.

[C]

No, I'm sorry, I thought it was explained to you. Dr. Richards was in a ski accident. Not a ski accident. It was on purpose. He's. He's doing his first threesome at a ski chalet.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's not the kind of threesome he planned on, but he's crossing it off his bucket list.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's with his wife's best friend, Marv.

[B]

And see, that's where I'm confused because this all was told to me, but I guess I just don't understand that his wife. I don't understand that people are still named Marv these days.

[C]

The situation was he asked his wife for a threesome for his birthday, and his wife agreed to it. But she threw in the fact that it was going to be a threesome with her best friend.

[B]

And so I'm confused because clearly the wife had been wanting to sleep with Marv and just roped him in at the first chance.

[C]

Oh, great question. And so that's why I'm confused. So, no, that's not my understanding of the situation.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[C]

My read on the situation is that she did not want her husband to have an excuse to sleep with another woman. So in order to, like, acquiesce to his birthday request, she brought in her friend Marv, kind of as a way to make her husband feel uncomfortable. But Dr. Richards is big on this bucket list, as you know, as he's probably told you many times before, he.

[B]

Used to have it laminated in the office.

[C]

Yeah, but you're in great hands. This is one of the best spinal surgery centers in the Western United States. And I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am an excellent spinal surgeon and a clown.

[B]

Oh, okay. That explains the shoes and the makeup.

[A]

And the Dr. Wiggles. I have the OR prepped for surgery.

[C]

Oh, Dr. Wiggles is in 102. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Fantastic. Oh, so sorry.

[C]

Sorry. It happens all the time. It's because we have the same hair, right? Big, curly, red hair.

[A]

Yeah, wasn't he. You weren't supposed to do this surgery, though, today.

[C]

Wait a second. Your. You're. You're Rick Astley. Oh, my God, they got me. You're not Rick Astley. This is. I got pranked. Wow.

[A]

Ah, we gotcha.

[B]

So, wait, wait, who got pranked? Me.

[C]

All right.

[A]

He's done. He's.

[C]

Throw this guy in the fucking trash.

[A]

He's dead. Dead.

[C]

Scrambled4 I'm something to fear Scramble. One more and I'm the ground near with my six I sustain you, dear.

[A]

These are hard, huh?

[B]

Yeah. I feel like I need a little sketch. I feel like I need a dry eraser board for these.

[C]

Scrambled 4 I'm something to fear Scrambled One more and I'm the ground near with my six I sustain you, dear.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know these numbers. I don't know how they intersect with the words here.

[A]

Is it something we consume?

[B]

Scrambled4 Are these like diner terms?

[C]

It's a four letter word, a five letter word, and a six letter word.

[B]

Okay, I see, I see.

[A]

We need a name for one of these riddles. Like, we should name these riddles where you add letters.

[C]

This type of. Yeah, yeah. Scramble makes you think egg. So I really wanted you guys to say egg again, so that you could say egg for every one of these riddles. Yeah. So scrambled four. I'm something to fear. Scrambled. One more. I'm the ground deer. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

[A]

Egg is the first one, though.

[C]

No, egg is not the first one. The scramble is kind of a red herring there.

[A]

Oh, a red herring.

[C]

The easiest one to get is the end of it. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

[B]

Six letter word for something that sustains you. Dinner.

[A]

Air. Oxygen.

[B]

Breath.

[C]

Breath.

[A]

Breath.

[B]

Oh, Bear would be four.

[C]

Is that right? Yes, I believe so.

[B]

Okay. And then add a letter. It's either T or an H. The ground.

[C]

It doesn't matter. You don't need to get the middle one because the answers in the back of this book, I think Bear is correct. But the answers in the back of the book only say breath, so they do not provide the answer for the first two.

[A]

What?

[B]

Insane.

[A]

What do you think the answer to the first one is, though?

[C]

I think it's Bear. Scrambled for him something to fear.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

And then the middle one, your guess is as good as mine because we have B, E, A, R. And then there's a T and an H that go into there. So. Well, so maybe Bear is not wrong. H, E, A, R. T would be scramble. One more. I'm the ground near. But no, that's. That wouldn't be. Hearth.

[B]

Would be like a fireplace. Right.

[C]

I'm the. I'm the ground near. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

Well, comment below, wherever that is.

[C]

The best part about it is we don't need to know.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

We could just move the fuck on.

[A]

All right, I'm ready.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Here's your riddle. I'm six letters and my whole. H, W, H, O, L, E is creation. I'm six letters and my whole is creation. My three, four, and five family we be. But add six and a ruler. I see four and five are never out, while my one, two, four and five are what it's all about.

[A]

Adam, do you want to go, I don't know, grab a drink or play some mini golf?

[C]

Well, 1, 4 and 5 are always the least. But 1, 2 and 5 took a giant leap.

[A]

Queen.

[C]

This I don't believe Queen is correct. This book does have hints, though.

[A]

I'm ready for the hints.

[B]

Prints.

[C]

Let's see now. Aaron, I know you're ready for the hint. The hint might not be helpful. I've been looking at the hints for the last two riddles that we did and they were not really helpful. But let's try it. Let's try a hint and see if it's helpful. Your hint for this one. This is fun because this is a book. But all of the hints in the book point to other pages in the book to be like, your hint is on this page. So one of the words that you would need to unlock this is printed on a page of this book. So it's not really a great hint for me who's just reading the riddle to you. It's more of a hint if you're. Wow. You know what? I never thought about somebody buying one of these books and sitting, cracking it open and doing it themselves. Like, it's like a workbook. Yeah, but that seems like the way that this is written, of course.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I have some.

[C]

You think there are people that, like, just sit there and read through riddle books?

[A]

Yeah, that's what I did when I was a kid. You read through riddle and joke books.

[B]

You try and solve them.

[A]

You try to solve them.

[C]

Whenever I had a riddle book or a joke book. Well, joke book specifically, but a riddle book, it was always me opening it up and doing the riddles for a group of people.

[A]

Okay. Someone's bragging about having friends growing up. Adol, do you want to go get a drink or play some mini golf or something?

[B]

My demands were met.

[C]

I feel like. Well, I don't know. I grew up in an era of video games, so I don't know why I would have ever, like, sat with a riddle book and like, done that by myself. Like, when I could be like, oh, I could just play like age of Empires 2 right now. There's no reason for me to play, like, play riddles with myself. I'm six letters and my whole is creation.

[B]

Creation, God. My whole's creation.

[A]

Earth, space.

[C]

No big bang. It's not big bang and it's not big bang. Okay, One of the things that this book says is maybe this is the hint that I can provide you. It says, but 1, 2 and 5 took a giant leap. So I will give you 1, 2 and 5.

[A]

Perfect.

[C]

1, 2 and 5 took a Giant leap. I think you guys can actually get this one. What takes a giant leap. Where have you heard that phrase before?

[B]

Moon Space landing. That's one small step for mankind, man.

[C]

So you got 1, 2 and 5 are man.

[B]

Man.

[C]

So m A blank, blank in blank.

[A]

God damn. I have to write this down.

[B]

Sorry, can you repeat that? Ma.

[C]

In. And now I'll give you this line. My 1, 2, 4 and 5 are what it's all about.

[A]

2 love m a.

[B]

Name?

[C]

Aaron. I want to see a scene. We're going to be doing a spelling bee. You're going to get words. Adelaide are going to be the judges of the spelling bee. We're going to keep giving you words, and you're going to keep spelling them absolutely incorrectly. You're going to spell different words that we say correctly, but not the word that we say.

[B]

Your next word is pancreatic.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

Could I have a definition, please?

[B]

Having to do with the pancreas.

[A]

Language of origin?

[B]

Latin.

[A]

And can I hear it in a sentence?

[B]

Your word is pancreatic.

[A]

Thank you. J E N N I F E R, space. L, O, P E, Z. Pancreatic.

[B]

Jennifer Lopez. That is correct.

[A]

I'm feeling nervous back.

[C]

Should we get the. Before the next contestant. Should we get the microphone check? Because what did I. I heard her spell? Jennifer Lopez. Rick, what did you hear?

[B]

Pancreatic, right?

[C]

I guess so. I guess people would be making a bigger deal if she just came up there and spelled Jennifer Lopez.

[B]

Yeah, the audience seems to be pretty mild.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

Is the peyote wearing off? It should be wearing off, right? It must be. It must be.

[C]

Oh, do a word 45 minutes ago. It must be. Almost done.

[B]

We haven't said anything into the mic in 30 minutes.

[A]

Same word.

[B]

Same.

[A]

Can I have my word?

[B]

They're noticing.

[C]

Are you the same child or different child?

[A]

Different child. I'd like my word, please. Can you prove it looks over the other child.

[C]

Tell us something only a different child would know.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know how to spell the word. They dispelled. Does that.

[B]

Yeah, that checks out. Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

I'm ready for my new word, please.

[C]

Your word is umbrella.

[B]

Don't make up words.

[A]

Could I have a definition, please?

[C]

Oh, fuck. I made that word up. Hey, man, look at that. What the hell is that? Some kind of umbrella.

[A]

Hey, he used it in a sentence. Language of origin.

[C]

Spanish.

[A]

Great. J, E, n, n, Y. Space. F R, O M, space. T H E space. B L O, C, K. Umbrella.

[C]

Oh, I wasn't listening. Did she say it?

[B]

Jenny from the block. That is correct.

[C]

Wait, now you are. You were supposed to say umbrella. That's correct.

[B]

Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

All right. Everybody thinks it's so funny to give the vice principals peyote before they have something really important to do.

[A]

Wait, what?

[B]

Well, peyote is your word.

[A]

It's a Wednesday.

[C]

Peyote. Wednesdays.

[B]

Peyote.

[C]

That's a thing.

[B]

Taco Tuesdays. Peyote.

[A]

Wednesdays Peyote. Language of origin, please.

[C]

Desert, Jennifer Lopez.

[B]

We did a desert.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

T. T. Wrong. Wrong.

[A]

You said K. I said okay.

[C]

Oh, then that's correct. See? So you have the M. You have M a n, while my 1, 2, 4 and 5 are what it's all about. M, A blank N. And it's what it's all about.

[B]

And does it stay in that order? So we're just looking for a word.

[C]

That many, many blank N you're looking for. It's a vowel. I'll say.

[B]

Manna.

[A]

Main.

[C]

Main. It's main. Yeah, the main thing. What it's all about.

[A]

Main. Main.

[B]

We're looking for the fifth letter.

[C]

No, you have the fifth letter. The fifth letter is N. So the fourth letter is I. And then my three, four and five. In family, we be. So you don't have three, but you have I and N and kin. Okay, so now you have 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Would you like to solve the puzzle? I'm six letters and my goal is creation. Yes, it is Making. Making.

[A]

Exhaust. I'd like to see a scene. Jpc, you are God, and you just created the earth in seven days. And Adol, you're his, like, friend or partner, and you're, like, wanting to go out to dinner. But jpc, you're too tired after creating everything.

[B]

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

[D]

Don't knock and then just come in.

[B]

Sorry, I was. What? You. You whipped something across the room. What was that into your pile of clothes that you're going to hang up?

[D]

Hey, don't worry about it. I didn't hear. Creating the world. I'm doing what you told me to do. To go create the world.

[B]

Did I say that?

[D]

You said something like that. What do you want? What do you want?

[B]

We have reservations at 8.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Tonight?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Well, can we cancel?

[B]

No. It's Lucky Brand Steakhouse. They brand the beef with our names.

[D]

And this is. And this is the. And this is the dinner with your boss. Your new boss.

[B]

Yeah. So please wear the robe with a tie. Listen, God, we.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

Are you kidding me? This has been on your calendar for. Do we have a time system yet?

[D]

No. Did I make one? I think I made one of those six days.

[B]

Did you make one so I can yell at you?

[D]

I guess it's.

[C]

What.

[B]

Give me an ex. What do you call it, so I can yell it at you.

[D]

Hey, give me a fucking second, okay?

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Do you know what I've just done?

[C]

Wow.

[D]

First of all.

[B]

And there it is. You're your father. Now you've turned into your father.

[D]

No.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

I am nothing like that thing, okay? He was. He was basically one big bang. I'm a lot of little bangs spread over the course of seven days.

[B]

You know, sometimes when you run to the grocery store, I pop into your room and I've seen what you've created. A little world that worships you. Oh, you've created a little world that worships you. They have books about you. They praise your name. They fall to their knees for you. You're. You're crazy.

[D]

Little is actually subjective because it's actually super big to them.

[B]

I can't do this.

[D]

You can't do this.

[B]

I can't do this.

[C]

Mom, dad.

[B]

Oh, hey, honey.

[A]

Can I go down to Earth and have dinner with my friends?

[B]

You told them about Earth? You told them about your.

[A]

I want to go down there, I want to be a carpenter, and then I want to have dinner with my friends on one side of the table.

[D]

My work is important, Helen, Okay? My work is important. So, yeah, I told our son about my fucking job.

[B]

We're not fighting. We're acting. Sweetie. I'm gonna leave your dad.

[C]

Look.

[D]

Look at this. Look at this. It's. It's storming. It's storming on Earth.

[B]

Now, are you all happy you're doing that, right? That's you crying or something, or. No, it's you angry. So I guess I think it.

[D]

I think it rains when the old man is snoring.

[A]

No, dad, you just did a really good job. And I bet you would never do anything to hurt me or humiliate me. You would never send me down there and, like, have it be one big test where I die young.

[B]

And just so you know, he's not yours.

[C]

He's.

[B]

Jeff's.

[D]

Your boss.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Your new boss.

[B]

He's you.

[D]

For what, six units of measure It. Yeah, whatever we used before. I did nothing.

[A]

Dad, have you invented video games? Because maybe I'll go play one of those.

[D]

Oh, you're gonna love battle. You'll love Age of Empires, too.

[A]

See?

[C]

All right, let's do one more. These are horrible. They're all very hard. I believe in you guys, though. You guys are some of my best guys. You can find me on your head Depending on how your tresses sprawl I'm in seasons but not in winter, spring, summer or fall in your ears and in the earth and yet I could be nowhere at all Hat heat and.

[B]

That'S where I bid you adieu.

[A]

You did a lot of work.

[C]

Are those two right, Cap?

[B]

No hat, cap, scarf, beanie.

[C]

You can find me on your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer or fall. That's all the seasons and in the earth. And yet I could be nowhere at all.

[B]

Is it in autumn?

[C]

No, it's not like in the word seasons, but it's in the concept of a season.

[B]

But not the four seasons change. Winter, spring, summer, fall, weather.

[C]

It's not whether it's not change. Let's see. I don't think. I'm not holding out hope, but I will check the hint section. I hope the hint section just says, like, turn to page 68 or something like that would not be helpful to you guys. Okay. I mean, this is a pretty good hint. It just says where your torso is.

[B]

Waist.

[C]

Not waist you could find in your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl.

[B]

My torso sits upon my bottom. My.

[C]

In your ear and in the earth. So it's a word that has like. This word works with ear. Like blank ear and blank earth.

[B]

I mean, ear is in ear and.

[C]

Earth, and it's not swimmers. Welcome to swimmer's earth.

[B]

Patrick Stewart.

[C]

Yeah. And yet I could be nowhere at all. That one's more opaque. I think I know the first couplet. I don't think it's going to help you that. That one won't help you. Yeah, I think if you can get. It's where your torso sits, so it's in relation to your body. This one just gets you directly to the answer. Where does your torso sit in relation to your body?

[A]

Middle.

[C]

Okay, so the answer is middle. Oh, oh, oh.

[B]

It just takes some time.

[C]

You can find me on your head, depending on where your tresses sprawl. Like a mid part. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer or fall. The mid season and then middle ear.

[A]

And middle earth, of course.

[C]

And yet I could be nowhere at all, because the middle is not actually a place, it's a concept. Huh.

[A]

The middle is a great name for a town somewhere. Like in a. In a book, like about a small town where something is amiss.

[C]

Also, great name for a Jimmy Eat World song. Possibly a Jimmy Eat World album. No, I don't think so. I think just the song.

[B]

Yeah, I sang it earlier.

[C]

Yeah, you sang it earlier.

[B]

It just takes some time, et cetera.

[C]

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

[A]

Yeah, et cetera, et cetera. Okay.

[C]

You guys did really great with these. With these riddles. You know what? I think you did better than you're giving yourself credit for. These were very, very difficult.

[A]

Yeah, they were.

[B]

I do want to see very quick scene based off Middle Earth. Aaron, you have fallen into Middle Earth. Jpc. You're sort of like a Gandalf type and you've come across too many interesting strangers. And so you're not in the mood to put up with Aaron's questions or anything.

[C]

Wow. Hello.

[A]

This is. Wait, wait. Are you a wizard?

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Are you drinking mead? Oh, my God. This rocks.

[C]

I'm sorry. I didn't even. I wouldn't even have said anything. I thought you were. I thought I knew you. I thought we had. But now I'm looking at your dress and you're obviously. Wow. Shit.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. You're probably gonna send me on this, like, incredible journey. Journey where I'm gonna meet a bunch of friends.

[C]

I get my check Root A Tuke.

[B]

I have been waiting for you to enter this tavern so I might smite.

[C]

Oh. Oh, yeah. We have a. Yeah, it's a. No, it's a part of it.

[A]

Wait, are you supposed to die in front of my. My very eyes?

[C]

You have to do this.

[A]

Can I become king?

[C]

Glenn? Yes.

[A]

Is there a prophecy about me?

[C]

Today of all days? You have to do this. You have to find me here.

[B]

Well, I'm getting kind of tired.

[C]

Oh, Glenn's getting tired, everybody. I'm Rudatuk the wizard. Yes.

[A]

Rudatuk the wizard. Yes. Is there a prophecy about me?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

You want a quest? Okay. Go find the dragon.

[A]

Wait, who's this guy? Do we fight him? Punches him in the face.

[C]

That's Glenn. He's a waiter here. He was fucking with me. Yeah. Go find the dragon, Puff. Yeah, Puff. Let's call him Puff.

[A]

Puff the dragon.

[C]

Yeah. Go find Puff the Dragon and I guess slay him.

[A]

Slay him.

[C]

Make a mini fine coat out of his mini fine scales.

[A]

Make a manny fine coat out of his many fine.

[C]

And then the moral will be the lesson that you learned.

[A]

Wait, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. I want to be surprised.

[C]

You figure it out.

[A]

And then I'm the king and I'll have one riches beyond my wildest dreams.

[C]

Why not?

[A]

And I'll go back to my world and there'll be lesson upon lesson upon lesson that I have learned how.

[C]

Have you not brought me the check yet? What are you doing?

[B]

I got punched in the.

[A]

Is this the dragon?

[C]

I'm going to put down three gold coins and I'm just going to walk. That's have you guys ever done that? Have you ever just like put down money at a table? Because yes, for whatever reason, the check was not being brought to you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I thought that only happened in movies.

[C]

Oh, I've done it before. I've also, before, yeah, I've also walked out of a restaurant twice in my life where they brought drinks, took my order and then just never came back. And I waited. I'm like, I waited enough time that I'm like, I don't at this point. I'm the sucker if I keep waiting here. All right, well, hey, speaking of that, what do you guys have to plug? Any favorite restaurants that you like to go to.

[A]

Come see Quality time in Los Angeles if you are here, if you lived here, if you live here or you're visiting, you can follow us at qualitytime on Instagram. And we have a different theme every month and it's a different day and I'm really proud of it and it's a lot of fun. Adol, do you have anything to plug or promote?

[B]

Yeah, check out the podcasts, gumshoes and dragons. Check out hello from the Magic Tavern. Check out the word association and check out our Patreon Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon. We have a lot of non riddle content over there. You might enjoy it. Jpc, anything to plug or promote.

[C]

Yeah, I mentioned it earlier in the episode, but we have new merch in the merch store for the holiday season. You can get two of our favorite and most classic bits now immortalized in merchandise. So check out our sweater merch from our classic sweater episode and our Smacks the frog please don't fuck my mom cereal shirt. Both of those are in our store. You can go to heyriddle riddle.dashery.com or just click the link in the episode description if you want to check some of that out. Yeah, and that's it for me.

[A]

Oh, Jupiter, I guess.

[C]

Hey Riddle Riddle created by Adol Refai starring Aaron Keen and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing and Marty Perry did the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there good kings. And Winces Lusses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We bring you a Christmas pageant. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] Heyriddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Hitgum podcast VRBO helps you swap gift wrap time for quality time. Go to VRBO now and book a last minute week long stay and save over $390 this holiday season. Book your next vacation rental home on VRBO. Average savings $396.00 select homes only.