#388: Best of 2025 Part 1

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #388: Best of 2025 Part 1

Release Date: December 24, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai (A), Erin Keif (B), John Patrick Coan (JPC/C)
Producer: Headgum

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Episode Overview

This special "Best of 2025, Part 1" episode celebrates a year's worth of chaotic, laugh-filled riddle-solving and improv from the Hey Riddle Riddle crew. Hosts Adal, Erin, and JPC reflect on their favorite moments, share outlandish scenes, and revisit some of the ridiculous, unforgettable sketches, riffing and bantering their way through highlights from recent episodes. As always, the riddles themselves are often just jumping-off points for wild tangents, irreverent characters, and comedic detours.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

Reflections on the Year & The "Best Of" Format

• (01:43) The trio jokes about their enduring partnership, the show's longevity, and plans for future "best of the best of" episodes, marveling at how much fun and nonsense they’ve managed to record over the years.
  • JPC: "Should we do a best of the Best of?"
  • Adal: "When I'm 90 I can listen back to all the times we've laughed the hardest."
• (02:14) They lightly debate whether this really was "the best year yet" and set up the theme of looking back with both pride and self-deprecation.

Absurd "Worst Thing You Did This Year" Game

• (04:03) The hosts jokingly try to admit the worst thing they did in the year, all talking over each other and landing on chaotic confessions:
  • Adal: "Backed over a bald eagle..."
  • JPC: "I said, backed over a bald eagle."
• The episode quickly pivots from any real introspection into mock sincerity and holiday well-wishes.

Critique of Gas Station Bathroom Reviews

• (06:49–08:40) Extended tangent about one-star and five-star reviews of gas stations, societal expectations about public restrooms, and the economics of cleaning jobs.
  • Erin: "If you're complaining that a bathroom at a gas station is disgusting, it's because that job that no one would do, is it being done because they're not paying someone to do it?"
  • JPC: "Civilization is done. This is the end...There's nothing left to do but...write five star reviews of gas stations."

Google Search: "Do sharks fart?"

• (06:29–07:09) The hosts discuss silly animal facts:
  • Adal (reading): "Most sharks do not fart....But sand tiger sharks—"
  • JPC: "One shark is throwing off all the data....They turn their whole ass body to look at one shark."

Monthly Riddle & Improv Vignettes

"Mermaid in Trouble" Scene

• (10:42–12:13) An improv scene where Erin plays a mermaid, JPC a beachgoer, and Adal provides chaotic ocean interference. They play with typical "damsel in distress" tropes, and the result is gleefully silly.
  • JPC (shouting): "There's a wind advisory today. It's very rough water."
  • Adal: "If you could help me...Oh my goodness, help me—"

"Money Shark" Scene

• (13:00–14:35) Adal is "Pete," lending JPC money in a moment that rapidly devolves into a running joke about sexual favors as repayment.
  • Adal: "This is $8,000 cash. And I want you to know...I expect it paid in full in 30 days."
  • JPC: "Your husband gave me $8,000 to suck his dick."

"Florida's Invasive Herpes Monkeys"

• (15:24–16:51) The group riffs on absurd local news reports — in this case, the true story of invasive herpes-carrying monkeys in Florida — and invents backstories full of failed tourist attractions and colorful locals.
  • Erin: "I think Florida is a failed tourist [destination]…"

Monkey Bar Flirtation Scene

• (17:41–19:44) Adal is a female macaque, JPC is a sleazy, herpes-positive monkey at a Tampa bar. Banter devolves — as usual — into slapstick and playful innuendo.
  • JPC: "My name’s Mr. Banana Pop."
  • Erin: "I have to go. I need to go."

Ultimate Frisbee Team That Never Plays

• (21:16–23:53) The group parodies a group of stoned college students more interested in root beer floats and Howard Zinn than actually playing Ultimate Frisbee.
  • JPC: "The path to enlightenment is moving with or without the frisbee, Brian."

"Tour of Graceland Bathroom" Scene

• (24:30–26:28) A delightfully odd improv on someone obsessively wanting to see the bathroom at Graceland, where Elvis died.
  • JPC: "Can we go upstairs? Someone has to go to the bathroom really, really bad."

"Studio Snakes" Bit

• (26:24–26:43) Brief, surreal scene with snakes going to lay down their first album in a recording studio.

Riddle Solving & Lateral Thinking

• Interspersed throughout ("She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged...") are classic lateral thinking puzzles with absurdist deconstructions.
  • Adal: "She was Madame Guillotine!"
  • JPC: "We gendered a guillotine and decided it’s a woman. Absolutely not."

Recurring Mall Santa Improv

• (32:04–34:50) Erin plays a mall Santa; JPC is a tough, cynical returning kid, leading to one of the episode's more memorable comedy set pieces.
  • JPC (as Santa): "Santa’s always Santa."
  • Adal (as kid): "You smell like Pall Malls and old whiskey..."

Animal Lateral Thinking: "Gertrude the Goose"

• (37:06–39:02) Solving a riddle about Gertrude causing a plane crash (she’s a goose in the engine).
  • Erin: "If anything, they murdered a goose in its own home."
  • Leads to an improv: "Family member confronts the goose at a bar about the plane crash."
  • JPC (as Adal's partner): "He’s counting on you not saying something. He’s counting on you being too polite."

Toilet Party/Improv Metafiction

• (46:14–52:06) Increasingly ludicrous improv/argument about being toilets at a party, shitting in each other's mouths at the full moon.
  • Adal: "You’re both toilets and you find out that the same guy shit in both your mouths."
  • This goes on for several minutes, parodying both improv formats and podcast scenes that go too far.

Other Standout Sketches

"Ragdoll Auditions for a Superhero Team"

• (61:47–66:38) Erin embodies "Ragdoll," a 10-inch-tall, deeply existential character who flops around, tries to smoke in the audition, and delivers the memorable line:
  • Erin: "Tammy is a bitch I met at a bar."

"New Neighbor at the Block Party"

• (67:22–74:25) JPC as a socially anxious new neighbor is guided through painful small talk at a block party, struggling even with his own name.
  • JPC: "My name’s... Meester. Just Deeds. My name’s Adam. My uncle died. Buying this house."

"I Will Knock You" – Drunk Confrontation at a Bar

• (74:32–76:51) Adal’s recurring character "Michael" hosts "I Will Knock You" and tries to pick a fight. JPC and Erin play exasperated bar regulars.

"Stop That Laughing at the Back"

• (77:44–88:55) Epic classroom scene where a teacher dies from farting; students and staff process the trauma — or, more accurately, riff for nearly 10 minutes on Looney Tunes-esque scatological slapstick.
  • Adal (as Principal): "Can you imagine the hell of dying by farts, and there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, but laughing in your face?"
  • JPC: "He farted himself to death. We could imagine."
  • Best line: "The class hamster died. He held up a sign that said, 'Die caramba.'"

"Bear Jesus" Miracle

• (90:04–90:49) Adal as Bear Jesus:
  • Bear Jesus: "You will put me in a cave and roll a rock in front of it, and I'll hibernate and come out a few days later. And that's normal. That's just normal."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• JPC (02:19): "And next year will be even better."
• Adal (13:47): (deadpan) "You sucked his dick."
• JPC (37:18): "If anything, they murdered a goose in its own home."
• Erin (47:03): "A premise for a scene is like, you two are at a party and...you both dated the same ex. But your whole...every full moon, one of you turns into a toilet and the other one shits in its mouth."
• Adal (49:29): "You’re a toilet who shits in its own mouth…and it’s the full moon…and you’re at a party…that’s the dumbest fucking premise I ever heard."
• Erin (62:00): (as Ragdoll) “Yeah, Tammy is a bitch I met at a bar.”
• Adal (77:44): “This is not funny. Can you imagine the hell of dying by farts, and there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, but laughing in your face? That's the last sound he heard.”
• JPC (79:46): "Everyone processes grief differently."
• Adal (90:25): (as Bear Jesus) "You will put me in a cave and roll a rock in front of it. And I’ll hibernate and come out a few days later. And that’s normal. That’s just normal."
• JPC (91:11): (with affection and irony) "We can enjoy British culture. But don't forget, of course, India. That's tasty, that."

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Segment Timestamps

• Best of Setup & Reflections: 01:22–04:36
• Gas Station Reviews Tangent: 06:49–09:18
• Do Sharks Fart?: 06:29–07:09
• Mermaid Improv: 10:42–12:13
• Money Loan Scene: 13:00–14:35
• Florida's Herpes Monkeys: 15:24–16:51
• Monkey Bar Improv: 17:41–19:44
• Ultimate Frisbee Scene: 21:16–23:53
• Graceland Bathroom Tour: 24:30–26:28
• Studio Snakes: 26:24–26:43
• Madame Guillotine Riddle: 27:41–28:15
• Mall Santa Scene: 32:04–34:50
• Goose/Plane Crash Riddle: 37:06–39:02
• Toilet Party Argument: 46:14–52:06
• Ragdoll Audition: 61:47–66:38
• Awkward New Neighbor at Block Party: 67:22–74:25
• "I Will Knock You" Bar Brawl: 74:32–76:51
• Teacher Fart Tragedy Scene: 77:44–88:55
• Bear Jesus Miracle: 90:04–90:49

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Final Thoughts

“Best of 2025 Part 1” is classic Hey Riddle Riddle: the riddles and lateral thinking puzzles are often just a launchpad for inventive and absurd improv, surreal conversational detours, and deep-cut inside jokes among longtime friends. For listeners, this is a greatest hits compilation of some of the podcast’s funniest, weirdest, and most delightful moments—all delivered with the off-the-cuff, irreverent, and affectionate style that fans love.

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For New Listeners

If you’re new to Hey Riddle Riddle, this episode is a wild sample platter of the show’s core strengths: chemistry between the hosts, longform improv scenes, bits that spiral out into the absurd, and a genuine sense of fun. Don’t worry if you hate riddles—this podcast is, by their own admission, "barely about them." The episode shines as a roadmap to both in-jokes and some truly original comedy.

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Best Quotes at a Glance:

• “If you're complaining that a bathroom at a gas station is disgusting, it's because that job that no one would do, is it being done because they're not paying someone to do it?” — Erin, 08:11
• "You’re both toilets, and you find out that the same guy shit in both your mouths." — Adal, 49:46
• “This is not funny. Can you imagine the hell of dying by farts, and there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, but laughing in your face?” — Adal, 77:44

Want more?—Join their Patreon (the Clue Crew) for weekly bonus episodes and deeper dives into the lovable chaos.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Quick Choose a meal deal with McValue, the five dollar McChicken meal deal, the six dollars McDouble meal deal or the new seven dollar Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not valver McDelivery.

[A]

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[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldf. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice array and the horses ain't Friday.

[C]

It's beginning to look a lot like Best of, Best of all the clips from this year. Doope doo doop a little bit JPC ba dump a little bit Aaron C. And Adol's there and Casey as well.

[B]

And Aaron, thank you so much for taking my last name.

[A]

Of course. That's what good husbands do. Wait, what happened this year?

[C]

You're Aaron PC now? Yeah.

[A]

Your Aaron PC.

[B]

Isn't that funny?

[A]

I called you Aaron C. Aaron Plain comedy. I love it. I love it, you guys. Well, we done did it again. We did a whole year of riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, plus all the Patreon episodes. And we all lived to tell the tale. How does everyone feel?

[B]

You know what? I think this year was the best year yet.

[C]

And next year will be even better.

[B]

Oh, it's easy to know if I'm lying by listening to all the Best of kind of like back to back. Because they're out there now and being like, well, this one, obviously this year is kind of. You could do your own ordering. But to me, this year was the best year yet.

[A]

And you might think it was a B minus year comparatively to our other years. And we'll say we'll do better next year.

[C]

Yeah, we'll get them next year, tiger.

[A]

We'll get them next year.

[C]

Should we do a best of the Best of?

[A]

I actually would love to do that. I want to put together an episode of all the times we've laughed the hardest. Which I know is self indulgent, but I want it just for myself. When I'm 90, I can listen back to all the times we've laughed the hardest.

[B]

Okay. I think so for what Adel was saying, if we have maybe five minutes of us doing like a bumper for the best of every year, and then if we do what, 10 years, that's 50 minutes. So we have to do about 10 years of this, and then we can do a best of the best of bumpers. Yeah, compilation. And by compilation, I mean we use the whole five minutes. So it's not really. So I guess we have to do 20 years. If we do about 20 years. No, there's two best of. So it's like five each. Yeah. Okay. 10 years. So meet back here at 10 years and you could listen. This problem.

[A]

We're all not married.

[B]

This didn't make it. This didn't make the best of.

[A]

Well, guys, thank you so much for sticking by me. And we got. We went on tour this year.

[B]

Sticking by me.

[C]

Sticking by you.

[A]

Yeah. I was like you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, wait, did you guys do something worse than what I did?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

All right, well, wait, what did you do?

[A]

What did you do?

[B]

Oh, that's great. That's a fun thing. On the count of three, let's all say the worst thing we did this year.

[A]

1, 2, 3. Backed over a bald eagle at JPC. What did you say?

[C]

I said, backed over a bald eagle.

[B]

Some.

[A]

I didn't say anything. Well, everybody, Merry Christmas. I think that's when this is coming out. Or you're in that weird interim between Christmas and New Year's, in which case, mwah, mwah, mwah. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Love, love, love. Go eat cookies for breakfast and play video games for 18 hours.

[B]

We love you, and we hope that you enjoy some of the best, best clips of. Hey, riddle, riddle all year.

[A]

Bon appetit. Adol. Can you say bon appetit?

[C]

Bone appetite.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

I've got that bone appetite to pick with you. I watched Star Wars Episode 1 recently, and after the credits hit, there's like, a big, like, you know, explainer text that comes up. It's the Star wars crawl. But it just is like, Jake Lloyd's parents were actually a lot. And it's not really his fault because most of what you see on screen is, like, projections from his parents were kind of making him.

[C]

There's a reason Macaulay Culkin doesn't act much anymore.

[B]

I'm sitting There watching. I go, okay, yeah, I like this movie a little better.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then at the end, it goes, Ginger Banks.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Well, that one got away from us.

[A]

If someone's bored at work right now and you know how to make that Star wars scroll, can you please put.

[B]

What?

[A]

Jp, there's got to be some.

[B]

There's got to be some easy way.

[C]

To make in the credits.

[A]

It's like, I would fucking die.

[C]

The movie's not even released yet. And they say, Jar Jar Binks, who. That one got away from us. And it's like, there's still time. If you could put. If you can put this crawler on.

[B]

A galaxy at war. The Imperial Trade Federation is blockading the planet of Naboo. Also wanting to move JoJo Binks. Now, hold on, because now did I. The actor who plays him is black. Not that it matters. You're sitting there, it's 1999, you're watching the scroll, and you're like, oh, this is gonna be the worst movie I've ever seen.

[A]

This is going on way too long.

[B]

This is gonna be the worst.

[C]

Some of these aliens look like a certain race, but we didn't mean for that.

[A]

So anyways, enjoy the film.

[B]

So anyway, enjoy the film. Oh, and this is. Hey, we're on a riddle.

[C]

Aaron, please Google, do sharks fart?

[B]

Aaron, go ahead and Google, do sharks fart?

[A]

Most sharks do not fart.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[A]

But sand tiger sharks.

[B]

One shark is throwing off all the data. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Battle's dead.

[C]

This is the funniest thing I've ever heard this. They are calling out shark.

[A]

Casey loves it too. That's so embarrassing. I would be so embarrassed if I was.

[B]

It feels like the answer is also written by shark. Like, do sharks fart? Most sharks don't.

[C]

And then whatever shark said that turned their head to look at like, Kyle. To look at like one shark specifically.

[B]

Famously can't turn their head, turn their whole body. It's not subtle at all. They turn their whole ass body to look at one shark. One star reviews do truly tell you the most information, but never about the thing that they're reviewing. They, they just tell you about, like. Cause you have to be pretty mad to write a one star review, right? No, One just is like, yeah, they think about it like a week later and you're like, you know what? That was a one star experience. And reading like one star reviews of gas stations is so fun because it's like you are so bothered because everyone has to use a gas station and you really don't. Like, the only thing that people do is like, hey, I'm out of gas, I have to go. Or like, hey, what's the best price? But never will people read a review of a gas station and be like, yeah, it sounds like this guy had a really bad experience with a candy bar here. Maybe we don't steer clear of this shell.

[A]

Are there any five star reviews of gas stations?

[C]

I'm sure there's one.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, because civilization is done. This is the end. We have reached Fukuyama as the end of history. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing left to do but like, enjoy your miserable existence and write five star reviews of gas stations.

[C]

It's funny to me of like whenever people write reviews and complain about the bathroom of gas stations, where it's like the only thing that's happening in those bathrooms is emergency shits. What do you expect? And everyone's partook in that. No one is innocent in this regard.

[A]

I wouldn't know what you're talking about.

[B]

If you had a job, let's say thought experiment. You have a job and the job is to clean up bathrooms after people take emergency shits. What do you think that job deserves to be paid? Because for me it's like six figures minimum.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So if you're complaining that a bathroom at a gas station is disgusting, it's because that job that no one would do, is it being done because they're not paying someone to do it?

[C]

Agreed.

[A]

You guys, I'm reading some five star reviews of gas stations and they're actually kind of warming my heart. Oh, these are lovely.

[C]

Great gas. Pumped well or like, what? How do you implement a gas station?

[B]

Are you in LA though? Are you searching for gas stations in la? Yeah, because this is just a town of aspiring writers. These are just people. These are just the most insane, deranged people on the planet trying to get their screenplay out there. It's like, exterior gas station.

[A]

Yeah, I was just about to say that. I was just about to say that. Oh my God. Exterior gas station. Night I walked away.

[C]

We open on a 22 year old perky tits.

[A]

Can I tell you something Adol about that dream?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So normally if a friend told me they had a premonition dream about me being pregnant, I'd be like, oh fuck, am I pregnant? But guess what? And this is a little bit of an overshare, but maybe it's relatable. But literally 10 minutes ago I felt myself get my period. So actually we are in the clear if everybody wants to go back to exactly 10 minutes ago. And I guess I'm at the year where I'm telling people when I'm getting my period. But if we want to go exactly, I think it like, yeah, about 10, 11 minutes ago I went up. You know that feeling if you're a person who gets their period, you go, yeah.

[C]

Oh, Casey, can you pinpoint that moment and put like a bell chime? Like a ding?

[A]

Yeah, put a bell chime. Put a bell chime. And so, guys, that's what the bell chime was. Holy shit. I'm actually. I'm actually glad that this is happening.

[C]

Aaron, you are a mermaid.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

JPC is like on the shore of the ocean, kind of like just walking along. And you are in the ocean trying to flirt with him as he's walking along as a mermaid. But the ocean is just absolutely pounding your ass.

[A]

Yoo hoo.

[B]

Hello? Is there someone there? I was having a tranquil morning walk.

[A]

Someone's here.

[B]

Wow. Oh my God.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh my God. Man. Oh my God. Oh my God. I'll help. I'm not a strong swimmer, but I'll help.

[A]

No, no, please. I live in the water. If you could. Oh, my goodness. Help me.

[B]

Help me, Help me. Oh, my. It's. It's a woman with the lower half of a. Of a fish or a sea creature of some sort. She's both graceful and incredibly not.

[A]

Hello. If you come in here for a tranquil swim, I could perhaps give you a kiss.

[C]

There's a. Oh, look out for that buoy.

[B]

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[A]

It knocks the wind out of me.

[B]

There's a wind advisory today. It's very rough water.

[A]

Oh, I have, ah.

[B]

There's a bay. I'm seasick. There's a bay like a little ways down. Down. If you could. If you could make it to the bay, that's. It's. It's calmer in there.

[A]

Yeah. I don't look as majestic in the bay.

[B]

You. I. I'm sorry, but you don't look. You don't look at. Just go under the.

[A]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

Shark.

[A]

Shark. Oh, no, please, no, not now. I just swallowed so much speed.

[B]

He's got a little. He's got a little sash on it. Does he work for you? It looks like he's trying to help.

[A]

I know he's trying to help and it's not working.

[C]

Scene. Well, I have a new favorite scene of all time.

[A]

I scared my dog. I hope it's worth it.

[B]

It should be. It will be, and it shall be.

[A]

Adol. You're a guy named Pete and you're lending JPC money for the last time. This is his last straw.

[C]

All right, here you go. This is. This is $8,000 cash. And I want you to know.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

I expect it paid in full in 30 days.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And this is the last time.

[B]

And. And we're. And please, just. Whatever you do, don't tell my sister because I. I thank you for letting me, you know, meet you at your job, but this is the last time. I just don't. I don't need it to hear from her.

[C]

Well, she's in the kitchen. Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're my brother in law. I'd do anything for you. But this ends now. So I guess I'd do anything for you up until just now. Now, there's a limit.

[B]

Is it 30 calendar days to pay you back?

[C]

She's coming.

[A]

She's coming.

[C]

She's coming. Hey, Carol.

[B]

You don't suck your dick.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

What's happening?

[C]

Hey, Carol.

[B]

Your husband gave me $8,000 to suck his dick.

[A]

Oh, my God. Did you?

[C]

No, Sweetie. What do you.

[A]

Strike three.

[C]

I've done this two times before. I did this two times before.

[B]

Three.

[A]

Strike three, sweetie.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Give me strike three.

[C]

No. Ball three. Ball three. Ball three.

[B]

No full count.

[C]

Make it a full count.

[A]

Ball four. Absolutely disgusting, the innuendo in that. Disgusting.

[B]

Kick him out.

[A]

Strike three. The first two times he said it was an accident. This time it was clearly on purpose.

[C]

No, your brother wouldn't. He's borrowing money.

[B]

I would never.

[A]

He.

[B]

He would never borrow money.

[C]

Then give the 8,000 back.

[B]

I earned this.

[A]

You sucked his dick.

[B]

I already did a little bit.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

No.

[A]

Come on. You both are just as bad as each other.

[B]

Why are you mad at me?

[A]

You sucked his dick for $8,000. My husband, my own brother.

[B]

That's my job.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

My job is to do that.

[C]

Here's the crazy thing. I don't even know if $8,000 is a deal or not.

[B]

I don't know the going rate.

[A]

Yeah, right. You don't know the going rate, mister. Str.

[C]

3.

[A]

You don't know the going.

[B]

Here's another. You know what? Here's what I'll do. I'll take half. That's fair. I'll take half.

[A]

And I'll take the other half. That's fair.

[B]

And she'll take the other half. That's fair. Pete, get out of here. Pete, why don't you go think about this straight. 3. Pete, go to the other room and think about this. Okay? How many more times do you think we could do this?

[A]

Three.

[B]

Florida's invasive herpes monkeys can now be found from Jacksonville to Tampa.

[A]

Hold on, hold on.

[B]

Silver Spring State park has been home to a large troop of invasive STD carrying monkeys for almost a century. But now sightings are becoming more frequent in Florida cities hundreds of miles from the park. According to a new report from First Coast News, the population of rhesus macaques.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[A]

I think we just need to let this wash over us, Ada. I think we deserve this kind of joy. And I think instead of fighting it, let's just give in.

[C]

That sounds like. It sounds like the comeback of like a 7 year old. Of like, yeah, yeah, like, do you want some Reese's? And the kid's like, Reese's like.

[A]

And then the whole life table is.

[B]

Like, yeah, like, you got chocolate in my penis butter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Reese's pecogs, you know what I'm saying? Has expanded considerably over the years. And the monkeys are now being spotted in northern cities like St. John, St. Augustine, Palatka, Walaka and Elkton. And as far south as Apopka and Tampa.

[C]

Not Pkotka, not Tampa.

[B]

The monkeys were originally. This is awesome. Part of a failed tourist attraction. How many failed tourist attractions do we have in Florida? I mean, it's like it's a state full of failed tourist attractions.

[A]

That's the lifeblood of the state.

[C]

I think Florida is a failed tourist.

[B]

It was called Colonel Twohey's Jungle Cruise in the 1930s. And a survey performed in 2018 found that Silver Spring's troop now consists of roughly 300 monkeys. And 25% of that population carries herpes.

[A]

Someone check Colonel Touhy for STDs. Me.

[B]

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Colonel Twohey probably wasn't the name of a monkey. It was probably the man who ran the cruise.

[A]

Yeah. And can we check.

[C]

Can we check his hard drives?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'd like to see a scene. Aaron, you are a Reese's macaque monkey and you found out you have an STD and you're calling your past partners.

[A]

Don't pick up, don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't pick up. Don't pick up, don't pick up. Colonel Tuohy seed, I would like to see another scene.

[B]

Okay, sure.

[A]

Jpc, you are one of these STD monkeys and you're at A bar? Tampa and Adel. You actually, like, know about his reputation? When he's, like, trying to pick you up and you're kind of putting him in his place?

[C]

Can I get a banana martini, please?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Y.

[B]

Let me get that.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

Jake, let me get that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Beautiful lady like you shouldn't be paying for her own banana martini. Let me please put on my tab. Jake.

[A]

Jake. Yeah. Dude, you got to pay in money this time.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, put it on my tab. Yeah, I'm good for it. I'm good for it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm good for a lot of things, pretty lady.

[C]

Oh, Jake. As in greasy Jake? Are you Greasy Jake?

[B]

So, I wasn't saying my own name. I was talking to Jake the bartender.

[A]

Wait, what are people calling me?

[C]

Nothing. Nothing. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What's your name?

[A]

Oh, my God. I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

[B]

Take a shower. Take one shower. We will Say.

[A]

You don't think I've tried?

[B]

I don't think so. No, I don't think you've tried. Greasy Jake. Are you telling me you are a daily showerer?

[A]

I'll be in the back if anyone needs anything.

[B]

There's no shower back there, so there's. Truly.

[C]

My name's Saltines. What's your name?

[B]

Saltines. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Mr. Banana Pop.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, so you've heard of me.

[C]

Oh, no. I have to go. I need to go.

[B]

Greasy Jake just left. We have this whole bar to ourselves. I can kind of reach my prehensile tail over the bar and grab whatever bottle you like.

[A]

Bottle smashes on the ground.

[B]

Okay, so I can only lift, like, half a pound. And these bottles are heavy. These are handles. You said your name was Saltine?

[C]

Yeah. Forget I said that. Have a good night.

[B]

Well, I'm about to have a good night. If maybe I could talk to you for a little while.

[C]

Do these names sound familiar? Sarah? Lilisa.

[B]

Oh, fuck.

[C]

Melinda. Bonkers.

[B]

Wow. They get more specific now. Yeah.

[C]

My friends who have slept with you, unbeknownst they didn't know that everyone else, they didn't know how much you were getting around. Okay. And you broke their heads.

[B]

Getting aroused, more like it. Look, Mr. Banana Pop is a lover, not a fighter, okay? They never. They all had a pretty good time. You know, if you ask them. Now, did they like the fact that they all slept with me? Maybe not. But individually, during the act, they were all having a lot of fun.

[C]

I Think throws the martini in your face?

[B]

Nope.

[C]

Let me ask you. He caught that in one.

[B]

I've had a lot of drinks thrown in my face. I've had a lot of practice.

[C]

Oh, now, don't be saltine.

[B]

Stopping saltine. Have you ever had every grain of salt licked off your cracker, if you know what I'm saying?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

We cut to them in bed the next morning.

[C]

Oh, my God, I hate myself.

[B]

I guess I probably should have said at the bar, but I have an std.

[C]

You piece of shit.

[B]

Oh, let me finish.

[C]

I was drinking your face.

[B]

Gulp. A saltine tasting deficiency. Because I gotta get a little more saltine. No. But I do have a monkey disease. All right, everybody, gather around. Gather round. Good stuff out there. I would say in the first place, lotus position. What's that?

[C]

Should we be in lotus?

[B]

Yeah. And, Brian, go ahead and just let us know what you think Lotus position is.

[C]

Put my head by my feet.

[B]

No, incorrect. Brian. No, Brian, that's. That's more of like a yoga position. Hey, guys. Yeah.

[A]

What if we all just smoked a joint and went and got root beer floats? That sounds pretty good.

[B]

After Kelly, I love that. We might be doing that after the game. But for now, even though we're still down six points, let's try to, like, just do our best to play ultimate Frisbee.

[A]

Oh, we're in the middle of a game.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So a real quick reminder of how ultimate Frisbee works. You're allowed to move when you don't have the Frisbee. You only have to be standing still when you have the Frisbee.

[C]

Wow. Well, the path to enlightenment is moving with or without the Frisbee, Brian.

[B]

I don't know what that means.

[C]

I gotta admit.

[B]

It can't have anything to do with ultimate Frisbee. Right.

[C]

I gotta admit, when she said, smoke weed and get a root beer float, I already started smoking.

[B]

Yeah, no, yeah, I could see that. So, basically, what we're doing right now, and I love it, is we're all standing at the goal line.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Smoking weed.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And drinking root beer.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

And reading Howard Zinn.

[B]

Yeah. I have seen Brian. I have seen you. That's a big book, too. People's History, the United States. That's a pretty big book for a game of Ultimate Frisbee.

[C]

Pretty big history.

[A]

Coleman, can you remind us of the stakes of this? It's just us playing another dorm, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just playing East Hall.

[B]

Yeah, we're just playing East Hall. Well, here's the thing. I guess There are no steaks.

[C]

That's good, because we're vegans.

[B]

Well, we're all having root beer floats, so I don't know how vegan we are. Huh?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

That's. Ice cream is dairy, and that.

[A]

What?

[C]

Huh?

[B]

I actually. I knew about this earlier, and I didn't want to introduce a whole thing that was gonna make us not focus on the fact that we're not playing Ultimate Frisbee. And it's fine if no one wants to play Ultimate Frisbee, but this is, like, a volunteer thing, so if you don't want to play the game, like, you don't have to be here.

[A]

No, I like. I like Frisbee.

[C]

I like Frisbee.

[A]

We should play. We should get a group together, and we should play.

[C]

Oh, that would be amazing.

[B]

That's truly what this is.

[A]

Yeah. We could get a group together, and maybe it's, like, all of us in west hall, and then we could, like, we play.

[C]

We play east hall, like, east hall.

[A]

And north hall and south hall, and then there's, like, a tournament every year. Whoever wins the tournament gets a trophy. We should put something like that together.

[C]

Put something like that together.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna. I'm gonna run over and pitch the idea to the east hall guys. You guys, hang out. Hang out real quick. I'm just gonna run over and pitch the idea to the east hall guys. Hey, guys, we're gonna forfeit again.

[A]

Good news, because we are high over.

[C]

Here, but we did have an idea. What if we.

[B]

Now, I'm all good on ideas.

[A]

Yeah. We get a bunch of people together.

[C]

See? See. Well, the scene that I want to see has now changed. I want to see JPC as someone on a tour at Graceland who just wants to see the bathroom.

[A]

All right, I'll be the.

[C]

Can we go back to the bathroom? I actually don't want to see a scene.

[B]

No, I don't think.

[A]

No, Adel, I want to do that scene. You just set up. You're both on the tour. Ready? Here we go. Elvis obviously didn't get to spend too much of his life here because he was always on the road traveling. And then obviously, he really used the bathroom on the tour.

[B]

We go upstairs. Sorry, we have to use the bathroom on the tour. Can we go upstairs? Someone has to go to the bathroom really, really bad. Upstairs. Can we go upstairs?

[A]

We have our bathrooms right by the entrance.

[B]

They're full.

[C]

That's not the one he died on, though, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

Also, I don't care about that. I just have to use the bathroom and those are full.

[A]

The inside the house. Actually, none of these used rooms are usable. There is no running water here. Because this is more of a museum. This is for display only. You actually can't even get scoop everything.

[B]

Out like I normally do. But I just want to go use it.

[A]

No, sorry, sir. You can't use any of the facilities inside this house. You can't even sit on one of the chairs, let alone the toilet.

[C]

Hey, Steve. Hey, Steve. Yeah, I'll do the thing.

[B]

Okay, do it.

[C]

Excuse me one second. I have to go behind this door.

[A]

Sir, you can't. Sir, you can't.

[B]

Excuse me. Laurel.

[C]

Hey, lady, it's me.

[A]

Put on clothes, my friend. Sir.

[C]

Clone says what? Hurry. Your clone says what?

[B]

He can't do the voice if he's wearing clothes. It's kind of like a. It's an image.

[C]

It's kind of like Dumbo's feather.

[A]

What?

[C]

It's kind of like Dumbo's feather.

[A]

So you're sneaking like a cartoon character up the stairs? Other guy or me? Yes. Stop.

[B]

Don't perceive me.

[A]

No. You think that this is my first rodeo? You think this is my first rodeo? You think that there's not freaks like you coming in here every day trying to use that toilet?

[B]

We'll have freaks that work as a team. Ow, man.

[C]

Hey. Sorry, Steve. Hey, Steve. Sorry, Steve. Aaron. Are you happy we saw this scene.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The two of you are snakes and you are in the studio about to lay down your first album. I'm getting a lot of feedback in.

[B]

The mic that might be. That might be a mic issue.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Are you sure it's us?

[A]

It's a mic issue.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it is. You. Okay? And we are. And recording.

[A]

Where are you, Dean?

[C]

She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. How come?

[B]

Does charged mean charged with a crime or is it like a battery? Okay.

[C]

Yes. And this is almost like. This is such a dumb riddle. This is like when people call their boat, like, oh, she's a beautiful. So this is a man made thing being inanimate object. Yes. Okay, so she wouldn't be charged. Historical. Think historically. Responsible for a lot of deaths.

[A]

Can you read it again?

[B]

Fucking Titanic again.

[C]

No. She was responsible for the deaths of many people, yet she was never charged. So this is something where when you see it, you're like, yeah, of course it's responsible for death. Like, no fucking duh. Not like when you see a rat and you're like, oh, what a weird little creature.

[A]

She was a Guillotine.

[C]

Aaron, she was Madame Guillotine. The invention of Joseph Guillotine that was used in France to execute people. This riddle.

[A]

We gendered a guillotine and decided it's a woman. Absolutely not.

[C]

I guess they called it Madame Guillotine.

[B]

Oh, interesting. Was the guy single? This is my wife, Madame Guillotine.

[A]

I hope that that's the cruel nickname my exes have given me.

[C]

Madame Guillotine.

[A]

Madame Guillotine.

[B]

Aaron, you are going to be. I want to see a scene. Aaron, you're going to be playing a woman again. All right. Yeah. Let's mix it up. Okay. Aaron, you're going to be playing a Kaiju.

[A]

Hey, Ringo, do you have a minute?

[B]

Oh, yeah. I was just staring at my drumsticks, trying to see if I could get some inspiration.

[A]

Yeah, I. What about, like.

[B]

Okay, don't come to me. I should have written it down.

[A]

Ringo.

[B]

How would you write down a drum sound? What would that even look like?

[A]

I feel like famously, people can write down. Yeah. Ringo.

[B]

Wait, there's like, sheet music for drums.

[A]

Yeah, there is.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

I'm gonna.

[B]

I guess I got a lot to learn.

[A]

Next to you. Hey. So I would consider.

[B]

That's a chair.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Oh, I thought that was a drum.

[A]

Ringo, honey, focus.

[B]

I've been playing it like a hire hat.

[A]

Look at me. Look at me.

[B]

Hey, look at me.

[A]

There we go. Yay. Look at me. Yes.

[B]

How long have you been here? What's that?

[A]

Several minutes. I consider our love story sort of like a sweeping, beautiful love story. We're really in love. You'd agree. Yeah.

[B]

Agree. Yes. I'd say we're in love.

[A]

I noticed your new album came out in the song the Beatles. Yeah, the Beatles, buddy. Yeah.

[B]

I'm one of the members.

[A]

One bud. Yeah. It's really cool, huh?

[B]

They said it's not about who's 1, 2, 3, or 4.

[A]

You're 4. You're for sure 4.

[B]

They just said it's all four of us.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but you're four, and that's okay.

[B]

Where am I on the position on the album cover where we're all walking.

[A]

Across the road and I don't know for sure, but spiritually you're always for. Okay. So we took a bunch of pictures.

[B]

With me in the lead.

[A]

I noticed they said, ringo, go to.

[B]

The front for this photo.

[A]

The songs you seem to pitch are sort of pitch.

[B]

I have to write that down. That could be good for some of my songs.

[A]

Like Octopus's Garden.

[B]

That's one of mine.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's not about one.

[B]

That's one of my songs.

[A]

You just seem to not. You don't really like write anything political. Your stuff is sort of like trippy drug fueled nonsense. Even the stuff you say, they get turned into songs like it's been a hard day. Or like I think you said, it's been a hard day's night.

[B]

Hard day's night. That one has drums in it. I got to play on guitar.

[A]

I think a lot of them do, buddy.

[B]

Most of them do bongle somewhere. He says he doesn't need me.

[A]

Yeah, he writes a lot of the songs.

[C]

See?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Well, here's what's not funny is that we simply must do riddles.

[A]

I'm ready.

[B]

I love doing riddles. It's like one of my favorite jobs.

[C]

A man appears in hundreds of family photos. He's not closely related to anyone else in the photo.

[A]

I know this.

[C]

Almost all the families don't even know his name.

[B]

Clippy.

[C]

Nevertheless, they still keep the photos in frames and scrapbooks. He is not hidden in any way. And it is in fact the central element of these stories. Yes.

[A]

Hear those sleigh bells jingle and ring ting tingling.

[C]

That's right. It's Billie Holiday.

[B]

This man is the Slender Man.

[A]

He's in all your photos.

[B]

Uh huh. Me and the Slender man, arm around his shoulder.

[A]

He went to slumber camp with the Slenderman.

[B]

Yeah, his name's Greg. Solid dude.

[C]

Back then he was just svelte man.

[B]

Right. He gets a bad rap because he told three kids to go kill somebody with hammers or whatever. But he's a solid dude. Yeah, he never killed nobody with hammers.

[A]

He was at your wedding.

[B]

He was at my wedding.

[A]

Um, Santy Claus.

[C]

Aaron, you're correct. It's Santa Claus. Specifically, a mall Santa.

[B]

A mall Santa.

[C]

Just because we say nobody knows his name?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Adol, you are a mall Santa. And JPC is a kid that has been here at least four or five times this season. And you think enough is enough. Ho, ho, ho.

[C]

Come on up.

[B]

Not on my lap.

[C]

But we have a little side chick.

[B]

Do you remember me?

[C]

I remember all boys and girls.

[B]

Okay, what did I ask for last time?

[C]

Oh, you. What do you think you asked for last time? Probably a GI Joe.

[B]

I know what I asked for last time. And I know the closet where my parents keep the presents and it's not there.

[C]

Okay. Did it. Was it a.

[B]

So I've been body shaming my dad all day to get him to come back to the mall to Buy a new suit.

[A]

Oh, hands over to the dad. And the dad's looking and at his reflection and sort of pulling at his clothes because they all of a sudden feel like they fit wrong.

[B]

Because he didn't want to bring me back to do Santa again. But now I am back here.

[C]

Oh, you're an intense little boy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am. Okay, you're the same guy, right?

[C]

Santa's always Santa.

[B]

Smell like Pall Malls and old whiskey. Pall Malls.

[C]

You think I smoke paw balls?

[B]

I don't know what you.

[C]

Your dude. Your Dude's pulling in 350 a day for mall santing and you think I smoke Pall Malls?

[B]

350 a day.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Okay, well then tail the moms. Do you know how many single moms. Hey man, want to come sit on Santa's lap?

[A]

Hands to a mom and she's adjusting her clothes, but sort of in like a confident I can't wait to see him kind of way.

[B]

Hey, man, the. The next two words out of your mouth better be switched to. And then for you, Jeffrey. So that's five words. Okay, I want to switch to.

[C]

Oh, I have two words for you. Get fucked.

[B]

Oh, I'm gonna get fucked.

[C]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

Maybe I pay Mrs. Closet visit.

[C]

Oh, yeah? Yeah, we're together.

[B]

Well, I don't think I.

[C]

You think I'm with her?

[B]

I haven't really learned your mythology.

[C]

She doesn't leave the house. She's a hermit.

[B]

How could I?

[C]

We haven't slept in the same room in four, 400 years.

[B]

Maybe I go out to the parking lot. Oh, find one of your reindeer. Oh, cook him up and eat him.

[C]

You're going to eat and cook a Toyota Tercel? Cuz that's what I came here on. You think I have reindeer?

[B]

You just told me to make a model of your car, dumbass.

[C]

Sold them for meat. Sold the deers for meat. Hold on. Are. Is that a threat?

[B]

Yeah, it's a threat.

[C]

Is that a threat?

[B]

If I don't get my.

[C]

Hey, Toby. Toby.

[A]

Ho, ho, ho. Yo, what's up?

[C]

Hey, I got to get. Threatening me? He knows to make him out of my car.

[A]

You my mom last night, so I guess you're on your own.

[C]

Well, that bonds us, right? I told you.

[A]

No, dude, we were getting a beer. You're. You're asking about my.

[C]

Don't tell anyone about that. How old?

[B]

Still 17. Well.

[C]

Boy, oh boy.

[A]

He wasn't sexual. He's a. Oh boy.

[C]

No, don't say it's not sexual.

[A]

It wasn't he him.

[C]

Don't say it's not sexual.

[B]

I think it's the beer thing, not this. I don't think Toby.

[C]

Well, we don't even say we were.

[A]

Throwing rocks at the mall side and then he. My mom.

[C]

Oh, I'm ruined.

[B]

There's nothing.

[A]

It's not weird. He just. My mom.

[B]

Toby, nobody's. Nobody's saying that there's anything wrong with that.

[C]

And real quick, a lot of kids ask. I had nothing to do with those Christmas time Kevin Spacy videos. You know what he dressed up like the guy from.

[B]

You know.

[C]

However.

[A]

I talk about this so much.

[C]

I'm sorry, I didn't. I'm sorry.

[A]

Talk about it a lot for somebody I associate with you because you talk.

[C]

Don't, don't.

[B]

Look, you gave a. Okay, you gave a kid beer. You pull 350 a week. That means in two weeks you can buy me a switch package. Switch two. Switch two.

[C]

Well, no, because they're all.

[A]

Get that kid a switch too. Or I tell everybody about the beer and the mom.

[C]

That's. I'd have to buy it on like Makari for like 675.

[B]

Steal it.

[A]

You drive a nice car.

[B]

He drives a Toyota. I don't know if you know anything about cars, Toby, but that's not a nice car. That's a car they haven't made in 30 years.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Cuz they got it right the first time.

[B]

No reason.

[A]

Why did my mom. You man, you're a loser.

[B]

She's a woman with agency, Toby. I mean, nobody forced her to.

[C]

Well, don't say that.

[B]

I say nobody did.

[C]

Listen, I'm gonna head out.

[A]

No, you're takes out a pack of Palm. You can't smoke here.

[C]

Everyone, kids, everyone say, I'm gonna head out. Let's do a big group photo. Let's do a big group one.

[A]

All the kids are sort of adjusting their clothes with the group photo. Trying I do a big group one.

[B]

I've been getting to work on all these in line. I know exactly.

[C]

Oh no, see, you didn't want to.

[A]

Live in that another 40 minutes. Adol.

[B]

I mean, I could have 17. Aaron saying 17 completely fucks Adol.

[A]

Sorry. Adol. It's fake though.

[B]

So that's fake.

[C]

Oh, you shouldn't have to say that.

[B]

Please.

[A]

When Gertrude entered the plane, she caused her own death and the deaths of 200 people. Yet she was never blamed or criticized for her actions. What happened?

[C]

Gertrude's a Kaiju. Yeah, Kaiju Godzilla type.

[A]

Not this time.

[B]

Gertrude is like a Mr. Magoo. Ass pilot.

[A]

Ass pilot.

[C]

Oh, is this my sandwich?

[B]

Is Gertrude like a duck or like a goose or something?

[C]

Ooh, yeah. Went to the engines.

[A]

Yes, Gertrude. A goose had been sucked into the jet engine. I would like to.

[B]

Before we see a scene. Did it not also say that nobody blamed Gertrude for it?

[C]

Well, dead people don't blame.

[B]

When a goose gets sucked into a plane. You absolutely say, like, that's what happened.

[A]

Right, I know, but you don't think, like, the goose did it on purpose.

[B]

Okay, okay, I guess.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't blame the goose in that way, but you do say you do, like, literally blame it on the fact that a goose got stuck. Okay, gotcha.

[A]

I'd like to say scene. I've changed the scene. I want to see now I understand.

[C]

If anything, they murdered a goose in its own home.

[A]

That's true. You're in the goose's house. Yeah, I'd like to see a scene. Jpc, You're a goose who brought down a whole plane and you're drinking at a bar. And Adol. You are one of the family members of someone who's on that plane and you recognize him at the barn. You go to confront him.

[C]

Yeah. So we've. We've been doing okay, but it's.

[B]

Can I get another Forky fingers over here?

[C]

Oh, my God. No, no, no. Don't look, don't look, don't look.

[A]

Who is it?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

That's fucking him, isn't it?

[C]

That's one of the geese.

[A]

You should say something. He's counting on you not saying something. He's counting on you being too polite.

[B]

What is this? This is. Well, this is good.

[C]

Carol hated when I was confrontational, but you know what? She's gone. You know what you're gonna regret? Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi. Oh, honk, honk, I guess.

[B]

What the honk.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

What the. I'm just watching. That's our word.

[C]

Hold on. You're the. I'm not the bad one here.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You just walked up to a goose that said, honk, honk.

[A]

Hey, gentlemen, take it outside if you're gonna fight. Okay?

[C]

Yeah, let's go outside. Let's go outside.

[B]

I'm actually. That's actually where I live, and I'm not ready to go home yet.

[C]

Well, that's actually where I fight. That's where I work. So let me take off my jacket here. Canadian down.

[B]

What the fuck?

[C]

Canadian goose coat here. Goose feathers in the lining. Everything I buy now is goose feathers.

[B]

You're wearing a goose feather jacket around me.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[B]

Thank you. I got paid huge money for that.

[C]

What?

[B]

We're very well paid to put the feathers that kills us.

[C]

Yeah, feathers are like your skin or something. Come on.

[B]

Nah, man. Feathers are not like our skin.

[C]

So this is like when I give a sperm sample.

[A]

Tell him that he's playing, that you're. Tell him it's his fault the plane.

[C]

Tell him it's your.

[B]

Hey, what's your woman saying?

[C]

No, I have an index card for this exact moment. I knew this they would come. Webster's dictionary defines revenge as.

[B]

Hey, man, if your chick has something to say to me, wow, she can say it to me.

[C]

Oh, Carol.

[A]

Punches goose in the face.

[B]

Oh, joke's on you, man. You hit beak. Your hand's a mess.

[A]

Oh, let me try to hit you right in the stomach like Houdini.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Three eggs came out.

[B]

I'm a male goose. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, those are testicles.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

See.

[B]

The doctor said if it doesn't feel better by twos, blank to the pharmacy for more painkillers.

[C]

Dagobah.

[B]

Dagobah.

[C]

Dagobah. Mi say Dagobah.

[B]

It is Dagobah, which is the. Can anyone tell me what the Biomon Dagobah is?

[C]

That's swampland. That's where Yoda. Yoda's a little swamp frog.

[A]

Yeah, Yoda's a little swamp frog. I knew that one. It's easy.

[C]

I do want to see a scene.

[B]

Is he from there? I think he just, like, hid there, right?

[C]

I think he lives in the swamp.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think he's embarrassed and he's, like, just visiting. I am.

[B]

Yeah. Not. Not my home.

[A]

This is clearing mugs.

[C]

Yoda, I just saw a pillow in it. No, see nothing you did.

[A]

No throw pillows Here.

[B]

Brought these postcards on fridge from home. My dude do this while traveling.

[C]

Yoda, I just saw a frog in lingerie. Hop away.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

No lingerie in frog. I do want to see a scene.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Aaron, you are a. What is Yoda?

[A]

Whatever that is.

[B]

They've never said. A lot of Star wars aliens have names, but, like, Yoda is just a Yoda type alien. Basically.

[C]

Yeah. Aaron, you're a Yoda type, and you're on Dagobah. And JPC is just sort of a random traveler whose ship broke down. And you're going to interact with him.

[B]

Great. I don't think there's anything on this star system, and I just can't fix the ship myself. Oh, hello. Excuse me.

[A]

Adel, you can't be laughing at how bad I am at this Hello?

[B]

Did someone say something? Excuse me. My ship broke down. I'm. I'm trying to get back to space, which is where I live. Hmm.

[A]

With that attitude, it might be hard for you to get back up in the air.

[B]

Oh. Oh, hi. My name is. Let's see, Star wars name, Jorg Babadoo. And I'm trying to get back to space. Do you have anything that could help me fix my ship, or are you from here? I'm sorry. I don't want to say.

[A]

Jorg. I make you nervous? I do. You. You nervous talking. You never seen a yoga with an open road before?

[B]

A yoga with an open Yoda with.

[A]

An open road before?

[B]

Yeah, I would say it's.

[A]

My robe is open. I'm your.

[B]

It's very open. But no, that's fine. I mean, you know, I'm used to all different life forms and all kinds of genitalia, so it's not. That's not a problem. Yeah, I just trying to. Hey, actually, can you not. Can you not eat those? Those are my Twix. I was saving those for sustenance.

[A]

I need to get energy to fix ship.

[B]

Oh, so you can fix my ship? You know how to. You know how to fix starships?

[A]

There is no can. There is only Twix.

[B]

Well, there actually is a can. It's the Dr. Pepper that you're drinking. And you got that out of Mike, I actually. Yeah, I was gonna. You go ahead. You're salivating a lot into it. You go ahead and finish that.

[A]

So what is your deal?

[B]

Oh, I'm married. Yeah, I'm super. I'm super married.

[A]

I'm not hitting on Your dad's not hitting on you.

[B]

Kind of broke your format there. Kind of maybe getting flustered. I'm sorry. Yeah.

[A]

Hey, listen, man, I've Just. To be honest with you, you landed, and I started talking, and I panicked, and I picked a voice that was not sustainable.

[C]

Can I tell you guys, I got super high the other day and thought about Home Alone for some reason, and I have a new theory, which is that Kevin McAllister was a sleeper agent, and he was activated because he's a little boy who knows how to.

[A]

All right, weed has to be illegal again. I'm calling it.

[B]

Yeah, they need to take it away. Zoe listed some more of these Animal Parade riddles that we did last time I was in charge, and I love these. Can I just say I love these?

[A]

Wait, sorry. Is Old Man Puzzles in charge all of a sudden? Is Old Man Puzzles the one that is allowed to make the final call. Like, if I got really hurt and had a medical situation right now, would you get to make the choices for me? Because you're Old Man Puzzles.

[B]

Do you become like the default dnr?

[C]

Do you not resuscitate?

[B]

Oh, is that what that means?

[A]

You didn't even ask what was medically wrong with me. I don't like that.

[B]

I think don't ask, don't tell Larry. Don't ask, don't tell dmb. Not my business. Just kill her. I don't need to know.

[A]

It's a broken arm, asshole.

[C]

Sir, she's up in bed and talking. No dnr.

[B]

What the fuck is an arm, asshole? I mean, if that breaks, you're pretty fucked, right? I didn't even know that I had one.

[A]

Adol. You're gonna be making all my medical choices. Adol, you are the default. Old Man Puzzles. You created the show. You were the first Old Man Puzzles. So if anything goes awry here, I think you need to take over.

[C]

You're saying I have power of attorney?

[A]

I regret bringing any of this up.

[C]

Several times a day, people from all over the world visit me. Some may think I'm dirty even on my best day, but no one wants to live without me.

[B]

A bathroom, bathroom.

[C]

I mean, bathroom, you pretty much got it. But toilet, toilet, toilet.

[B]

Whoa. I do want to say I could live without a toilet.

[C]

I want to say, seeing Aaron, you're a toilet.

[A]

Adel. At all. At all. I was in your wedding. I was in your wedding, man. Come on, man. I stood next to you while you got married.

[C]

Aaron, you're a toilet opening her mouth. Hey, I still love you both.

[B]

But listen, what is this scene? It's just. It's just a guy pooping in a toilet.

[C]

You both take turns turning into toilets.

[A]

And Adol. I've called you crying before.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

You teach improv, Adel, you teach improv.

[B]

The scene that you called for is your toilet, and I'm pooping in her mouth.

[A]

Adel, the last time I had a panic attack, I texted you.

[C]

Yes, yes, but. But listen, hey, but just in general.

[B]

A premise for a scene is like, you two are at a party and the lay on is like. And you both, you're like, figure out that you dated the same ex, but your whole.

[C]

Okay, okay, just cheese the toilet and I'm perfect.

[B]

This is more like fetish content than a seed.

[C]

Heard chef. Okay, so you. You two were friends. You find out you dated the same guy.

[B]

That's the thing I just said that.

[C]

You were asking for, right? I'M giving you what you're asking for. Okay, so you both, your friends, you both found out you're dating the same guy now.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Quick little caveat.

[B]

There's a layout.

[C]

Every full moon, one of you turns into a toilet and the other one shits in its mouth.

[A]

At all.

[C]

Okay, what am I saying? That this is taboo.

[B]

This is a scene.

[C]

And don't forget. And then a few seconds later, the other person turns to the toilet and the person who was in the toilet turns into a human. It's just in their mouth.

[B]

Yes. Okay. Right.

[C]

But you both find out you dated the same guy. Yeah, and that's. Yeah. And that's sort of the entree into the scene.

[B]

Okay. Crazy. That full moon's over, huh?

[C]

Now it's back. Full moon. We see a full moon.

[B]

What do you mean it's back?

[C]

It's back. A full moon doesn't go away. You're talking about sunrise. You're saying you guys are up at 6:00am yeah.

[A]

No, Adel.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

You bought everyone a Ninja Creamy. Because I wanted one.

[C]

Yeah. I'm bad with money. And that doesn't mean that my premise should be shot down. Okay, you're both toilets. You've found out.

[A]

You once said that you'll take me everywhere you go, that I'm one of your favorite people. And anywhere you go, I go too.

[C]

I just want to see my scene. Okay?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I love you both so much. I would do anything. I would die for both of you.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but.

[A]

I wouldn't understand why it doesn't feel like it. When he said, okay, Aaron, you're a toilet and GPC is going to shit in your mouth. I understand that it doesn't feel like it, but there's.

[B]

You have to understand how it's coming across to us.

[C]

There's a way to do it that's like, fun for everyone. And I feel like if you give it a. You're judging it.

[B]

You do it. Show them. Show us how to do it.

[C]

Show us.

[A]

Show us.

[B]

Yeah, you do it alone and show us how to do it.

[A]

Here you go, improv teacher.

[C]

Go ahead, because I'm going to knock it out of the park. Right.

[B]

Those who can't, teach.

[C]

And then you're going to be like, oh, those who can't teach at all.

[B]

I want to see.

[C]

I am teaching.

[B]

You're a toilet who shits in its own mouth.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it's the full moon and you're.

[C]

At a party that's the dumbest fucking premise I ever heard. You twoilet. You two are toilet best friends.

[A]

Hey, guys, you're sort of at the comedy point where we know we can't end the episode unless someone does this scene, right? Okay.

[C]

Compromise, compromise, compromise.

[B]

That's so smart. It's healthy.

[C]

You're both toilets, and you find out that the same guy shit in both your mouths and. God.

[A]

Okay, Compromise, compromise.

[B]

No, no, Aaron, that is a compromise. That's a scene.

[A]

Okay, but I. Can I add one little add on.

[B]

To it, I'm sure? Yeah, please.

[A]

Adol. You are also there. You are also a toilet. Solidarity. We go in together.

[C]

But brand new. But brand new. Saran Wrap. Nobody's touched me.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

Brand new. Brand new. It has to be spotless. Never been virginal. Virginal. Never been touched.

[B]

This is an awesome party. This is crazy. Did you guys have the Clorox?

[C]

It's not a party. Hold on. It's not a party.

[A]

You said it was a party.

[C]

What would toilets be celebrating?

[A]

How they're friends of virgin biggest Shit.

[C]

What?

[A]

She's a virgin toilet who can't drive.

[B]

Yeah, this is. It's Megan's. It's Megan's coming out party. Someone's gonna shit in her mouth, you know, later today and kind of christen her. Did you guys try the corporate Clorox? It's so good.

[A]

It's so good.

[B]

It's blue. It's like.

[A]

Okay. I'm trying to stay hydrated, though, so. I've been drinking a lot of pee today. Adel, we're doing the thing you wanted. I just talked about drinking pee.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

Quick time out.

[C]

It sounds like you're both being sarcastic. The way you guys are talking is like, you, like. You're like. Have you tried the Clorox? Oh, my God. Like, you're talking as if we're at a party.

[B]

We're being social. We'll skip to it. We'll skip to it.

[A]

We'll skip to it. We'll skip to it.

[C]

Skip to what?

[B]

Oh, my God. Jerry's here.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

This is crazy. You're never gonna believe this.

[C]

Here we go.

[A]

I dated Jerry a couple weeks ago.

[B]

What?

[C]

Here we go.

[A]

Did you date Jerry, too? No. You were about to say something else.

[B]

No, I never dated Jerry. We had, like, a thing, but it was never like. It was not like, a serious. We didn't, like, label it as I got wasted and. Yeah, say it, Jerry.

[C]

Yes. Say what he did.

[B]

Well, he. You know, he did what he.

[A]

He did what you do to a toilet.

[C]

Say it.

[B]

Say it.

[C]

Say the whole thing. Pause. Say the full thing.

[B]

Yeah, Jerry, you know, he. In my mouth.

[A]

Oh, my God. He said that he would never do that with anyone else besides me.

[B]

What?

[C]

Yeah, say the thing here.

[B]

He said that your double water flush button was just for him.

[A]

Just for him.

[B]

Oh, my God. He sold. He said the same fucking thing. Unbelievable. That same line.

[A]

Can you hear me for a second? Adel? You're Jerry.

[C]

Yeah. What's up?

[B]

Can you come down here? Come a little closer. A little closer to the ground. Yeah.

[C]

What's up?

[B]

Dunks your head gives you a swirly, swirly, swirly, swirly.

[C]

Scene, scene.

[B]

No, no, no, no, Jerry.

[A]

Swirly, swirly.

[C]

No scene.

[B]

Other toilet. Swirly, swirly. Come on.

[A]

Swirly, swirly, swirly.

[C]

And head.

[B]

Now it's fucking death proof.

[C]

And Jerry is getting feet and head.

[B]

Yeah, feet and head. Jerry.

[A]

Jerry.

[B]

Piece of shit.

[A]

Piece of shit, Jerry.

[C]

Scene, scene.

[B]

I can't imagine doing a bad improv show.

[A]

Thank you, Casey.

[C]

And this is a podcast where it's two in the morning. You go into the kitchen, turn on the light. This podcast scuttles under the fridge, and you go, tomorrow. I got to call somebody about this podcast.

[A]

This podcast is like when you can hear something under your front porch. And then so you have to lift up one of the stairs to see what's under the front porch. And then it's under there, the podcast under there. And its eyes are, like, really beady in the dark.

[C]

And it's like the podcast feels cornered.

[B]

Yeah, this is the podcast that is the can of pinto beans deep within your cabinet, and it's got, like, dust all over it. And you blow the dust and you go, oh, certainly, this has to be expired. And then you check the back, and it's like 2045. And you're like, how can pinto beans be good for this long?

[C]

Well, they're always good this long. If they're Goya Goya beans, let them.

[A]

Collect dust and have them in a pinch.

[B]

I think the Goya guy is like a Trump guy, right?

[C]

Never mind any other beans. Any other beans in the world.

[B]

Any other beans by any other name would smell as sweet.

[C]

Bean spoon.

[B]

Don't buy Goya beans unless something has changed. From, like, 11 years ago. When I heard about.

[A]

This podcast is like, when you. There's like an ashtray outside and people have been putting cigarettes out in it, and then it rains. We're like the water in the ashtray, and that is like sort of the vibe of our podcast.

[C]

This podcast is like when you're on a flight and you have like a 20 ounce bottled water and you take a little sip and then you go to put it in the back of the seat, but then it falls on the ground and then the plane kind of does a tip and that rolls forward under the seats and you're like, oh no. And then someone looks behind like, could you just kick me? And it's like, can I get that? My water bottle, My water just. Can I get.

[B]

Did you just kick me with this water bottle?

[C]

That's what this podcast is.

[B]

This is just going to be a quick solo scene. Adol, you're going to be playing Harry Fairy. You got to stop doing impressions while people are doing things or else you're just going to get called out and it's going to go right into break. Adol, you're going to be Harry Fairy and you're calling a baseball game.

[C]

Top of the ninth, two out, two strikes, two balls and it. Hey, if you believe in this game, clap. I would ever want to clap.

[B]

Clap.

[C]

If you believe in the game. Wow. What a great game. Christopher Walken.

[A]

Mel, take it to Christopher Walken.

[B]

Break, break.

[A]

Break. Break.

[B]

It's funny, I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness. Which means Cornbread Hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan. It's so funny, I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year. And I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.

[C]

Oh, same girl. Same. But also jpc. Your birthday's in December.

[B]

Okay, that makes sense.

[C]

Well, jpc, someone left something under the tree called Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You've seen these?

[B]

Uh huh. Yes I have.

[C]

They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock.

[A]

Of aging, or relaxation.

[C]

Relaxation. I use cornbread hemp CBD and gpc. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.

[A]

All products are third party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax. Relax.

[B]

Okay, you guys might be under something with these Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies.

[C]

John Travolta.

[A]

John Travolta, cbd. That's awesome.

[B]

And right now. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com Riddle and use code Riddle checkout. That's cornbread hemp.com Riddle and use code riddle.

[C]

Ah. Age is nothing but a number. A number of years I've been on Earth.

[B]

Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

[C]

I feel okay.

[B]

I feel okay. Aaron Adel, can I share a real life story brought to you by the fine folks at Quints?

[C]

I'll allow it.

[B]

So it's Thanksgiving. We do a thing every year where we go to a friend's giving at a friend's house. My wife is dressed. My child is dressed. My wife says. I say, I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower. I come downstairs and my wife says, you are not wearing that to Thanksgiving. And I said, well, I thought. I thought I was going to wear this. And she said, no, you go upstairs and change it. You change it to something nice. And I went upstairs and I went into my closet and what did I find but my Quince long sleeve Henley. And I said, this actually looks pretty nice. And I think that if I wear this downstairs, my wife will shake her head yes and say, that's something we could leave the house at. And guess what? It happened.

[A]

Ooh. But I'm sure that was, like, so expensive. That sounds pretty lux.

[B]

No, Aaron, it was affordable. It was downright affordable because Quince makes the essentials every guy needs. I'm talking Mongolian cashmere sweaters for $50, Italian wool coats that look and feel designer, and denim and chinos that fit just right.

[C]

Oh, and don't get me started on their outerwear lineup. It's no joke. They have down jackets, wool top coats, leather styles. They're all built to last.

[A]

Each piece is made from premium materials by trusted factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love Quint's. I particularly love their home line. Incredible sheets, glassware, rugs. Don't get me started on their rugs.

[B]

So, guys, stop getting sent back upstairs by your wife to change because what you picked out is not something that you should even own anymore and actually should go to the dump.

[A]

Feels like a you thing.

[B]

And not the dump where they just bury it. The dump where they burn it. Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quints. Don't wait. Go to quints.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com riddle free shipping and 365 day returns.

[A]

Quince.com riddle what were you wearing when you came downstairs?

[B]

Full turkey costume.

[A]

Knew it.

[B]

Ah, nuts.

[C]

I missed out on getting the worm this morning.

[A]

Wait, but you're. You talked all about wanting to be the early bird.

[C]

I know. Well, what I say and what I do is two different things. There's quite a discrepancy.

[B]

You've been practicing the worm all year. You said you were gonna get out of bed, flop down on the floor, and start writhing around.

[C]

I know. I love breakdancing. But I guess I didn't get it. I gotta get up more early. Oh, you know what else I need to do early? Acorns Early.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

Oh, wait. You mean Acorns early, the smart debit card and money app that grows kids money skills as they up that acorn's early.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

When my kids get out of their eggs, out of the nest, I want them to be prepared and set up for success in the world.

[A]

That would have changed my life because I was growing up being like, why aren't they teaching us how to handle our finances in school? They're kind of just throwing us to the wolves when we turn 20 and I don't know anything about money. And if I had had Acorns early, this would have been way easier.

[B]

Yeah. With Acorns early, you start with the In App Chores tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar. Then you can let your kids set their own saving goals and start building health habits early. Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence. Plus, with Acorn's early spending limits and real time spin notifications, parents always stay in control.

[C]

What do squirrels do with acorns? Are those like their pillows? Is that their money?

[A]

These are really good questions.

[B]

They treat them like pillows.

[A]

If your kid, I don't know, is starting a winter lemonade stand and you need to help them stretch that dollar, really start their business, Acorns early might.

[B]

Be the answer when my kids are old enough. Because they're not quite old enough yet, I'm definitely going to be using Acorns early to help teach them financial literacy. I've played around with this tool. It's really awesome and it teaches a lot of great lessons for younger children to start with good money habits early on.

[A]

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save and spend? Get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com heyriddle or download the Acorns Early App. That's one month free when you sign up at acornserly.com heYRiddle R I D.

[C]

D L E. Let's all say what kind of bird we are. On three. One, two, three.

[A]

A pretty bird.

[B]

Acorns are their religion for squirrels. Oh. Acorns early is issued by community federal Savings Bank Member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. Free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting from $5 per month unless canceled terms [e-mail] earlyterms 1, 2, 3, 4. Hate Riddle. Riddle's clue crew.

[C]

Okay, next. I'm very. I'm curious about this next lady. This is Ragdoll. Come on in, Ragdoll.

[A]

Can someone lift up my neck? I can't see.

[B]

Yeah, I mean we're not supposed to really assist with the audition. If you need us to. We can. If you're like in dismay flings head backwards. Oh yeah. This is an audition to join towel and be a superhero.

[A]

See, I thought you could use me. What's up? My name's Ragdoll. Buttons for eyes. That much is obvious. And I'd like to tell you that I would be a great fit for towel. I know what you're thinking. I bet she can't get hurt because she's sort of a rag doll. She gets thrown around like a rag doll. It would be an awesome thing to have a member of the team that can't get hurt. Kind of thinking that sure I have bones and blood like the rest of you. I just move like this.

[C]

But you're.

[B]

But you're small. You're small like a. I'd say you're no more than 10 inches tall and you look like you're made out of.

[A]

A cut up mop yarn sort of felt paper mache nose.

[B]

There's bones and blood and organs and tissue in there. Huh?

[A]

Yeah. There's all the stuff you got reproductive organs.

[C]

Oh, I do see it looks like written on the bottom of your foot it says Tammy.

[A]

Yeah, Tammy is a bitch I met at a bar. I asked her to give me.

[C]

Can we use that for official superhero merch?

[B]

Tammy is official.

[A]

Yeah. I asked her to give me a peace side tattoos because she was giving out free tattoos in the parking lot. You have Tammy on my foot.

[C]

I thought it was like a beer.

[A]

With a beer bottle.

[C]

I thought it was like a kid who owned you or something. But yeah, that makes way more sense.

[A]

I'm not a kid. I'm not a kid. I know I look Very small. I'm a kid.

[B]

Was she giving tattoos with Sharpie? This appears to just be written on. In Sharpie.

[A]

Yeah, but look at the texture of my skin. This is there forever, brother.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. God, that is.

[A]

And I went through the wash once, but remember I got bones and organs and all that stuff. I ended up having an episode and going west after I got put in the wash full of existential dread.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

In the dryer too.

[B]

I don't want to. I don't want to dismiss ragdoll out of hand because I'm obviously. No.

[C]

Was that your power?

[B]

You are a little bit on fire power.

[C]

Yeah. The light. I'm sorry. Let me dim the light I'm shining on you. I think I'm cooking you alive.

[A]

Yeah. Power.

[C]

Uh oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So if you do have a super power, we're also going to want to know that as well.

[A]

Just look like a rag doll.

[B]

That's the power. Feels more like a super.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Every time.

[B]

I'll just say drawback. I feel like that's the most polite and kind way to say that.

[A]

Why? No one can predict how I move. I sort of flop.

[C]

Oh, I heard some bones. I heard some bones snap.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No amount of calcium keeping these bones safe in the way that I'm moving.

[B]

You have bones. Why are you tossing yourself around like a.

[A]

This is how I have to walk.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

I have to propose to be a rag doll. I look like a rag doll again, though. I feel everything. I'm feeling all of this. Can I smoke in here?

[B]

No. Please? No. Can I ask you about your superhero origin? How did you come to be a like a 10 inch tall rag doll that has human bones?

[A]

I mean, probably same as how you got your power.

[C]

Okay. I was ditched.

[A]

Tammy, from the bar.

[C]

I was hit by a truck containing a big supply of light. Big boot.

[B]

I was obviously crafted in a lab by an eccentric plastic surgeon.

[C]

Okay. And.

[A]

And I had cold brew that was too strong. And now I can read mines.

[B]

Wait, hold on, hold on. Find that cold brew that I'm out of mind.

[A]

Yeah. What's up?

[B]

You're telling us that you can read minds?

[A]

Shaked my cold brew because you had.

[B]

Cold brew that was too strong one time.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You know when you overly caffeinate and all of a sudden you can hear people's minds.

[B]

So is your thing that you have to keep drinking? No, no, hold on. No, you have to keep drinking the cold brew or you just. Now you're just drinking cold brew. Like, as a person who's drinking cold.

[A]

Brew, I'm just drinking cold brew. As a person that's drinking cold brew.

[B]

I forgot to mention that we all have the voice style chairs and we have to turn around. When we are all in agreement, I think we let Ragdoll go. I don't think we're in agreement.

[A]

Oh, we all like ragdoll, right?

[C]

I think that's a huge yes for me. Hits the button, my chair, turns it around.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

I didn't know you look like that. Hits button, turns back around.

[B]

Chair whips around so quick, you spill out of the chair.

[A]

Whoa, whoa. Hey. That's a little rude. Can I smoke in here?

[C]

No.

[A]

All right, well, whatever. Tammy and I are gonna go get some whiskeys.

[B]

So you're still with Tammy?

[C]

I thought she was a.

[A]

She is a.

[C]

Okay. I. I will covers Mike. Covers Mike. I will say Tammy is a. I met at a bar. It's my favorite catchphrase so far.

[B]

Yeah, I just don't think with the volatile nature of Ragdoll and Tammy's relationship, I just don't think we can afford to have either one of them on the team.

[C]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

Tammy in the wings sheds one single tear and, like, blinks it away. All right. Come on, Tammy. Crackbones.

[C]

Tammy flies across stage.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Tammy and the wings. That would have been amazing. She could have dropped Ragdoll on a po. Oh, okay.

[A]

Burger, hot dog, cheeseburger. What do you want?

[B]

You do cheese hot. You do cheese hot dog?

[A]

Melted American cheese on hot dog. Dog?

[B]

No, no, just a regular hot dog or cheeseburger.

[A]

Sorry. Man, you seem really nervous. Oh, by the way, I'm Kyle. I've lived in this house about 15 years. Mrs. We got two little ones. I know that you moved in recently. Welcome.

[B]

Yeah, just me.

[A]

Great. Love it. Beautiful house.

[B]

Jorgan.

[A]

Yeah. Jorgan.

[B]

Jordan.

[A]

Jordan.

[B]

Jordan.

[A]

Nice to meet you, Jordan. Love it. It's. I mean, my wife, she went to, like, every open house because she was just obsessed. It's like a great fixer upper.

[B]

It's beautiful. It's cool. It's got wood. Wood. It's got wood floors and walls.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. You're going to restore those, I assume. I mean, you bought a historically protected house. Really excited to see what you do with it.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Well, Jordan. Jordan.

[B]

Jordan. Jordan.

[A]

Jordan. Jordan.

[B]

Yeah. Like Michael Jones, Jorgen.

[A]

Michael Jordan.

[B]

Yeah. How's that? Hot dog.

[A]

So you wanna. You want a burger with cheese or hot dog? You want both? You want both? Hey, man, don't be nervous. We don't bite. I know we seem like a pretty close knit community. We're doing stuff like this all the time. Like we'll.

[B]

I've never had neighbors before.

[A]

Great. Oh yeah, it's easy. It's just like we'll mow each other's lawns. We'll. If someone needs like a cup of sugar when they're baking.

[B]

Should I have done. Should I. Should I have mo.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

It should have.

[A]

No, it's a given.

[B]

You'll.

[A]

You'll be able to feel it. It's like jazz. Like being a good neighbor is like being able to be good at jazz. You sort of know when to be present. No one to leave them alone.

[B]

How much is. How much is this? How much for the.

[A]

Oh, it's free. I mean, we all pay. Everyone is everyone. No, no. Like. Like three weeks before this. It was before you moved in. You came around and everyone sort of gave like whatever they could. Sometimes people give like 100 bucks, 80 bucks. Sometimes people do more bucks.

[B]

For a hot dog?

[A]

No, no. For the whole block party sort of. It pays for like the music and the food. Pays for the music in the bouncy house for the kids and the water balloon fight.

[B]

How much? 100 music.

[A]

No, I. I mean, I don't. I'm not a part of the planning.

[B]

What if I just. What if I just mow your lawn all year?

[A]

No, I. I'm not. I'm not the one that you would pay even so I got to find.

[B]

Somebody else to pay.

[A]

Yeah, like the. The Sullivans are the ones who organize it. They're really.

[B]

I think I'm going to go home and draw the shutters and. And just kind of.

[A]

Hey, no, man, you're doing great.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

No, you're doing really good.

[B]

I think I've embarrassed myself.

[A]

No, I mean. Jordan, you've come over. I think you're being really brave.

[B]

My name's Michael. You panicked and I. Yeah, cuz I wanted to say like Michael.

[A]

Jorge.

[B]

Michael Jorgense. I said Jordan, but I meant Jorgan or. No, my name's Michael.

[A]

And you were a Halloween costume over here.

[B]

I got the dates wrong.

[A]

Yeah, it's the middle of summer.

[B]

Well, yeah. Of the block party. Got the date right. I got the dates of Halloween wrong. I've never had neighbors before, so I didn't really know. I've only lived in apartments and we didn't do Halloween right because it was a walk up.

[A]

Sure. And I think that, you know, Michael I think you're doing better than you think think you're doing. This is hard, and I totally get it. And you seem like a really sweet introvert that, like, wanted to restore a historical home.

[B]

No, I didn't know about the historical home part either.

[A]

Well, you had to, like, sign a bunch of paperwork that said that you weren't going to make any changes that ruined the integrity of the house.

[B]

This house was a gift.

[A]

From who?

[B]

My uncle.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah, well, my wife actually is, like. Knows a lot about that stuff. Our home is historically protected as well. She'll give you all the resources I.

[B]

Can mow her lawn for.

[A]

No, you don't have to do any of that. This is what being a neighbor is.

[B]

Help me for free.

[A]

Yeah, she'll. She'll give you some advice.

[B]

Oh, but not help.

[A]

Oh, no, that's what helping is.

[B]

Okay. I'll just help you.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm leaning on my grill.

[C]

Some of us know what we want.

[B]

Okay? Just give me $100 worth of hot dogs and hamburgers.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I think I have to go home, Michael.

[B]

I have to definitely go home. All burnt.

[A]

I'm going to give you a normal amount.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Of food on your plate. You're going to go.

[B]

Can you grill potato chips?

[A]

What?

[B]

Can you grill potato chips?

[A]

No, I'm just going to put the normal potatoes on your plate. I know. I'm going to. It's great. We're going to put stuff on your plate.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're going to. Here, wrap your hand.

[B]

Should I.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I would go sit. See, there's.

[B]

Sit in the grass.

[A]

No, not the grass. Find a chair. Grass is for children and annoying animals.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Go find a chair. Right.

[B]

My house.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Bring my chair up.

[A]

No, no, no. Look, I'm pointing right now at the chair on my deck. See, there's a few of the neighborhood dads are up there talking golf.

[B]

Can I go on the deck? The upstairs deck?

[A]

No, no, that's only access from the primary bedroom.

[B]

So I'll walk through the bedroom.

[A]

No, you're not gonna do that.

[B]

Can I take a. Can I just go to sleep?

[A]

I know. And I. I've been here before. I get it, buddy. I know.

[B]

Can I just sleep in your room?

[A]

No. Take a plate of food. I'm gonna give you a Coca Cola and you're gonna walk up to the deck.

[B]

Up to the deck.

[A]

You're gonna sit with those guys. You see those guys over there?

[B]

Those. Those are tall guys.

[A]

Yeah, they're.

[B]

I Mean, those are really tall guys.

[A]

There's one that's 511 and he's the tallest. So.

[B]

Hey, here's what I'm.

[A]

See, look, they're waving at you.

[C]

They're waving.

[A]

They're excited to meet you. They. They're gonna want to talk about golf. They also have.

[B]

I'm gonna take a plate of grilled chips.

[A]

No.

[B]

An open Coke.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

I'm gonna go to your bed.

[A]

No.

[B]

I'm going to sleep for an hour.

[A]

No.

[B]

Then I'm going to go out of the balcony.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

I'm going to jump.

[A]

No.

[B]

I'm going to jump off the balcony.

[A]

It that you wouldn't even get hurt.

[B]

I could get hurt.

[A]

No, it's not that high up.

[B]

I fall on my fingers. Hey, all in on my fingers.

[A]

You know why?

[B]

I could really hurt my fingers. No, this was nice. I'm. It's so overwhelming. Here's what I'm going to do also.

[A]

You talk to those guys. There's a few of them. There's like several ladies. Your name is Michael Clayton. You really. Your name's Clayton?

[B]

My name's Clayton. I was thinking Michael Clayton. I said Michael Jorgen.

[A]

Go talk to those guys up on the.

[B]

It's not Clayton, it's Layton.

[A]

They're really sweet. They love the neighborhood.

[B]

My name's. My name's Meester.

[A]

Meester. Meester. There's lots of single ladies in the neighborhood.

[B]

My name's Deeds.

[A]

Meester Deeds.

[B]

Just Deeds.

[A]

Deeds. Is your name Adam?

[B]

My name's Adam.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My uncle died.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Buying this house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I kind of swooped in at the last minute.

[A]

I actually think you're doing better than you think you are. We're gonna introduce you to some beautiful ladies. It's a summer. You know. You know what might relax you? Have a beer. Here's a beer. Catch. Oh.

[B]

Oh, okay. So I should go find that.

[A]

No, no. I'll give you another beer. I'm gonna hand it to you 1.

[B]

No. Kick it to me.

[A]

No.

[B]

If you put the ground and kick it over to me, it's going to be way easier.

[A]

You're literally an arms.

[B]

I'll drop it. I'll drop it.

[A]

I promise it over to you. And we're going to pretend this is a haha funny ass that we do.

[B]

Okay. So you're going to introduce me to a woman.

[A]

Nope. You're going to go see, she seems nice. She's going to introduce herself to you. Just. Just go up there, be mysterious, smile, nod. They're going to love you.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Say your. Say your name is Adam.

[B]

My name's Deets. Say my name's Adam. Say Adam. Got him. Okay.

[A]

Okay. Good luck.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm watching.

[B]

What was your name?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Hi. Welcome back to. I will knock you. I'm coming to you from the local dive bar where I am going to get into some fights with people who definitely deserve it. Hold on, hold on. You got the spins. My name is Michael, and I'm not drunk. My first guest is the guy sitting next to me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

[C]

Hey, come on. Hey, come on. Knock it off. Knock it off.

[A]

Excuse me, sir.

[C]

Knock it off.

[A]

Do you have a freaking problem with me, Michael?

[C]

I don't have a problem with you. You do this every week.

[A]

Do I? Because I have a show to produce every week. I will knock you. There's a camera. Put the graphic in here. Put the graphic in here.

[C]

Graphic of what?

[A]

Talking to my line producer. Put the graphic in here.

[C]

Okay, let's. Can we cut him off? Can we cut him off, please?

[A]

Me? No. From the bar. No.

[C]

You're overserved. Michael, Come on, man. We've known each other. We went to college together. Come on.

[A]

I will knock you. Stop having so many faces. So I know which one to punch. Stop it.

[C]

I'm a triplet.

[B]

He's technically not overserved. He's only had one drink. I just think it's a reaction to his mistake. Medicine.

[A]

Reaction to my medicine.

[B]

I can only stop after three drinks, so legally, I have to.

[C]

He asks, joel, this is not how you run a bar.

[B]

I told him not to take the.

[A]

Another mojito, please. Job.

[B]

You have two thirds of your mojito, Job.

[A]

But I. I drink fast because I have a straw, and I drink faster.

[B]

I'll make you another. I'll make you another mojito.

[A]

And guess what? After that, I'm gonna knock you.

[B]

That's not gonna happen.

[A]

To the ground. I'm gonna punch you. I know you were a Marine, Job. Oh, Joblit was a marine Job has big arms. I'm gonna knock you down, Jobs. Hey, everybody, it's me, Norm. I will knock you down to the ground, Narm. Oh, Michael, you old so and so. You still making that show here? What's up, money? High five. Tries to high five. Goes to punch.

[C]

He used to fuck with Catwoman. So now I feel like every time I'm turning around, you know, a corner, I'm like, is Catwoman gonna come out of nowhere and just, like, you know.

[A]

This is so crazy. And, like, you should be even More scared of her. But she goes to my Zumba classes, and she's, like, crazy strong in the.

[C]

Outfit with the whip.

[A]

Oh, yeah, of course. I know. And she looks, like, so good. And I'm in the mirror, and I look like a wet rat, kind of, like sweating in the mirror. And I'm like, oh, my God, she looks amazing.

[C]

Don't talk about my friend like that.

[A]

Hey, hey. I know. I mean, I went to class and that's what matters, right? Yeah, that's what matters.

[C]

I saw a car almost hit her one time, and I was like, oh, my God. Yes, it's happening. She did 13 somersaults in the air, landed on all fours, scuttled into the sewers.

[A]

Like, that's incredible. Like, my life would change if I could do that.

[C]

Her ass looked amazing the whole way through.

[A]

Didn't break a sweat, I'm sure. So anyway, Robin was going down on me for, like, three hours and just could not make me come.

[C]

And the last one is Stop that. Laughing at the back, which is my favorite one listed. Stop that. Laughing at the back.

[A]

At the back. Okay, okay. Everybody take a seat. Quiet down. Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is about what happened yesterday. This is not funny. I cannot stress this enough. This is not. Look at me. This is not funny. Your teacher. Hey, hey.

[B]

Is he gonna be okay?

[A]

No, he farted himself to death. Now, hold on.

[B]

I didn't know it was to death.

[A]

This is being streamed to the whole town, and this is very serious. Okay? You were the last class that he had. You guys saw it go down. The authority.

[C]

Hey, question.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Could we just laugh for like.

[A]

No. You can't get it out of your systems. You can't.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Because yesterday, can you imagine the hell of dying by farts? And there's an entire classroom of children not calling for help, not running for help, but laughing in your face. That's the last sound he heard.

[C]

Well, not the last.

[B]

I mean, yes. Hey, we lived it. We lived it. We could imagine.

[C]

It's the ceiling.

[A]

We have the footage. We know the momentum. Play it.

[C]

Play it. Play it.

[B]

Stop it. Play it.

[C]

Play it.

[A]

Stop the laughing in the back. Hey.

[C]

You simply must play the footage.

[A]

No, we will in a minute. We will in a minute because we all need to talk about what happened. We're gonna do a play by play, and you're gonna let me know what happened, okay?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Well, you know what happened. He farted himself to death.

[A]

What happened before the farting?

[C]

I guess. Teacher was making a weird face and holding his tummy yeah. And then.

[A]

This is not funny.

[B]

I think we're telling you what happened.

[C]

Everyone processes grief differently.

[A]

Y.

[B]

He said something.

[A]

Yeah. He broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling.

[B]

He said something like the exact quote was like, I shouldn't have had so much chili.

[A]

Hey, stop.

[C]

And then I guess after that.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

That's what he sounded like.

[C]

After that was the first fart. And then the class hamster died.

[A]

We know. Double tragedy. And I know it's not funny.

[B]

We don't know that he died.

[A]

He died.

[B]

He held up a little sign that said I carumba. And then he keeled over.

[A]

Hey, stop, stop. Stop it. Which of the farts. How far in. Was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard? Stop, stop, stop. Stop that laughing in the back.

[B]

It was all the farts. Every fart blasted up into the chalkboard. Look at the hole. You're seeing the hole.

[C]

It was a process.

[A]

I need a help.

[B]

You think you get a four foot divot in a chalkboard?

[A]

This was not just a teacher.

[C]

He worked for it.

[A]

This was not just a teacher. This was a father. This was a husband. This was a volunteer firefighter. This was someone who did community theater at night. Yes.

[C]

Can I ask something?

[B]

It showed in his performance.

[A]

Declan. What?

[C]

About 12 to 13 minutes in all the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along. Are they in trouble as well?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Are we in trouble?

[A]

You're in the biggest trouble. This was a 50 minute episode. You had 50 minutes to call 911, call for an ambulance run, and get help from me, the principal. You could have done anything. And he died because you guys were laughing and laughing. Hey, stop it.

[C]

In our defense, it was riveting.

[A]

Stop.

[C]

Was the best 50 minutes of my life.

[B]

I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and hamming it up to a certain degree.

[A]

He wasn't. He was in agony.

[B]

He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to like, don't make me do it. Awooga. Awooga.

[A]

Let me get it back.

[C]

Help me. How Mana? How I'm gonna help me.

[B]

Doink. He said doink a lot. And he was saying doink.

[C]

Yeah. And he kept saying, my pants. Oh, my pants.

[A]

Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off?

[C]

Well, they were Carhartts, so they lasted longer than they should.

[B]

They lasted much longer.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Built farm tough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

But it wasn't really that the pants blew off in one burst. It was more that they were shredded as the.

[A]

His family is planning a funeral right now and they don't know what to say. They don't know what to put in the close.

[B]

I would say don't do open casket.

[C]

Closed casket for sure. His ass is ruined.

[A]

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop it. People are watching this at home.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because we're holding you accountable.

[B]

This is being streamed out.

[A]

Yes, of course.

[C]

At one point he went in the air. Like, you know those wind tunnels that you can go into where you're wearing a suitcase, open your arms or close them?

[A]

Yeah. Indoor skydiving.

[C]

Indoor skydiving. At one point, it was like 50 minutes of that, and it was beautiful. He looked like an angel.

[B]

He tried to use the eyewash station and he blew all of the water back into the eyewash station. And then it corroded the spout that it was coming out of. Like it was. The stinkiness was, like, acidic in some way.

[A]

Okay, let's just try to get the timeline right. What order do you remember happening? You walked into the classroom and then what happened?

[B]

Sat down a big bowl of chili.

[C]

Sat down a big bowl of chili.

[B]

On the desk, I would say.

[A]

Thought you said it was cheese.

[B]

No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistant.

[A]

Stop that laughing in the back.

[C]

I also wanna mention, I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point it got so bad he put his finger in his. I don't know the medical term. Butthole. And then he got a real funny face and he started coming out his.

[B]

Mouth and he clamped his hand over his mouth. And then it started coming out the butthole. Then he did the hand over the butthole.

[C]

Started coming out of his penis.

[A]

Stop laughing in the back.

[B]

Then it came out of his ear.

[A]

Oh, then the steam came out of his ear.

[B]

Well, it wasn't steam. It was farts. It was farts, but it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam. And then he clapped his hands over his ears and his eyeballs bulged out with farts.

[C]

Like a looney Tune. And at some point.

[B]

I wouldn't say like a looney tune. It was very human.

[C]

Yeah, like the mask, maybe.

[B]

Yeah, like the mask.

[A]

Stop that laughing in the back.

[C]

He kept saying, I'm being cooked alive.

[A]

Stop. And then he tried to open the windows.

[B]

He did.

[A]

Which I thought was very kind. And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room.

[B]

That's not why we Closed them. We opened the window. And then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street. And I think he was getting horny. Well, it doesn't matter if he's married. He's a man. He was getting horny.

[C]

He's a red blooded American.

[B]

He was getting horny by seeing a very. And we don't know if the. The woman could have been his wife because I know his wife works close by, but he was getting very horny and he was starting to make a. Awooga. Awooga.

[C]

His face turned wolfish.

[B]

I would say.

[A]

Unrelated to the fart.

[B]

Well, no, but the horniness was mixing with the farts and it was creating sort of of an unholy blend between.

[A]

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop that laughing in the back.

[C]

At one point he did call the hospital.

[A]

Oh, he did.

[B]

He got the hospital on the phone.

[C]

But he was farting so much they thought it was a prank and they hung up on him.

[A]

And remind me again, what sign did the hamster hold up?

[C]

Die caramba.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Stop that laughing in the back. I made the sign for Spanish class. I don't know how the hamster got it. It wasn't for him.

[C]

But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said, die caramba.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then big acc. Big X's folding over his eyes.

[B]

Big X over his eyes.

[C]

And then there's a big. I don't know where it came from, but there was sort of like a noise that was like. Sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close up of someone's armpit or something.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I didn't even associate that with the farting. But now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely one of the farts.

[A]

Turned all the pages of the book that you guys were reading to a certain page. What book was it? And what did the page say? Stop that laughing in the back. Stop.

[B]

We were reading the Catcher in the Rye and it blew some letters off of the COVID and turned it into the farter. Smells like sty. Okay, so some letters got blown onto the book. Yeah. Huh.

[A]

You want to think of maybe another one?

[B]

Sure. And I could think of one more.

[C]

Oof.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Madame Bovary. Shit. And. Oh, fuck.

[B]

We were reading the Giver and it got changed to the shitter.

[C]

Yes. We don't know where the S and the H in the.

[B]

And we don't have all the answers to these questions.

[A]

Okay, well, you guys will be assigned a new teacher, obviously.

[B]

No, no, we went our old Teacher. Oh, that's right.

[C]

Did he leave us, like, a VHS or something?

[A]

Stop to laughing.

[B]

I forgot. He died.

[C]

Did he leave us, like, a VHS to play in case of death?

[A]

He did. He wanted me to roll in the tv, into the classroom and show you guys. Did you see the.

[B]

Have you seen the video yet or.

[A]

I know what it is. I have.

[C]

You're laughing.

[B]

You haven't seen it.

[C]

Is it gonna be like, sports bloopers where it's like. And it's gonna be him farting?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I forgot. I forgot he died because he did. He stopped farting and he said, oh, I'm okay. I don't know what that was. And he walked out of the classroom, and then we heard him kind of fart and, like, bang off a thing from the. Like a rocket ship going down the hallway, banging off.

[C]

He hit the ceiling fan at some point. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You could hear him hitting lockers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what happened was. I know what happened.

[B]

He blew back through the wall to Kool Aid man.

[C]

Yeah. And he did say. Well, he said, oh, no. He screamed, oh, no.

[A]

He flew back through the wall, left again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm crying.

[C]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Got electrocuted. He got electrocuted. Yes. I've known him 20 years. He's worked at the school.

[B]

He got electrocuted.

[A]

He got blown into all the wires.

[B]

He got blown into all the wires and he kept going. It was kind of like. As he went up, it was kind of like. What's it called in Dr. Strangelove? Guy on the cloud, Cowboy on the Bomb.

[C]

And it's Slim Pickens.

[B]

Slim Pickens.

[A]

You know what we're going to do.

[B]

But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the cloud.

[A]

I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

This is sort of a bystander effect that no one.

[B]

We have learned our lesson.

[A]

Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence.

[B]

Can we watch the video?

[A]

We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher.

[C]

We haven't had a moment in silence in 50 minutes. Okay. When he was dying.

[A]

Don't laugh in the back. Okay. Moment of silence.

[C]

Oh, his family's coming in.

[A]

Yep. This is super cherished. Nobody left.

[B]

Do not laugh.

[A]

Do not laugh. Do not laugh.

[B]

They're in mourning.

[A]

Right?

[B]

This is his family.

[A]

It's a moment of silence starting now.

[B]

Why are they all eating chili?

[A]

Stop this.

[C]

Is that to honor his memory?

[B]

Does the whole family really like chili.

[A]

Stop asking questions.

[B]

Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili. Oh, no. Oh, too much chili. Oh, no.

[C]

It's happening again.

[B]

I'm eating too much chili.

[A]

Sorry. No. I made the video start playing. Turn off. Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

[B]

Well, he's eating chili in the video. Dude, I don't think this is on us.

[A]

Scene. And Casey, cut that. We don't need it. Danny. We done did it. We're back to what we did before.

[B]

Wait, does that mean. Does that mean purgatory is over?

[A]

I don't know. Let's. Let's go on a new adventure, you and I. What was that?

[B]

What was that that you just did?

[C]

And as you lean in for a second kick.

[A]

Kiss. You can't reject. You cannot leave me alone in that. That's the meanest thing ever. That is being abandoned on my birthday level.

[C]

Mean.

[B]

I just don't. I just don't remember. I'm still half a suit store.

[C]

That is booking a week long cruise together. And then one of you backs out. That is.

[A]

And I'm on the boat.

[C]

For one of you to be like, we. We don't kiss anymore. That was never a thing. That. That is jpc. That is brutal.

[A]

That's not like I got invited to the movies by people in my class and I went to the movies and saw the movie and they're like, we changed your mind and went to a different movie. Like that level of like, absolutely cut down.

[B]

What are you guys talking? Aaron, stay in it. What are you guys talking about?

[A]

Adel, you are bear Jesus Christ. And you are about to perform a bear miracle.

[C]

Everyone. Everyone, you see this water? Can everyone see the water?

[A]

Yeah. Cause we can see.

[C]

Was it water or is it honey? Turn water into honey.

[A]

I have a song very different consistency.

[B]

I had some going down.

[C]

Kind of viscous.

[B]

Take this guy away. Give us Barabbas. Give us Barabbas.

[C]

You will put me in a cave and roll a rock in front of it. And I'll hibernate and come out a few days later. And that's normal. That's just normal. This is normal.

[A]

Scene.

[C]

These options are from British children tv. And here's what I'll say. I just realized how much I love when Brits say something along the lines of like, that's tasty. That. That's beautiful. That.

[A]

Yeah. That's so cute.

[B]

That's so cute.

[C]

That's tasty.

[A]

That Whimsy. Whimsy, whimsy. I mean, they also were colonizers.

[B]

Well, not the children.

[C]

Aaron, very quickly, we do need to.

[B]

Say not the little children.

[C]

We can enjoy British culture. But don't forget, of course, India. That's tasty. That.

[B]

I got a question for you about Brits before we really truly launch. Andrew, who is the British actor working today who you think has the worst American actor?

[C]

Ooh, that's a good question.

[B]

Can I say I love Tom Hardy, but when he does American, it's like, I am American. Like, it's always just like, they all.

[A]

Seem to be doing a Jason Statham.

[B]

They do American.

[A]

Like, it's such a weird.

[C]

Like, has Statham ever done an American accent?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

What if Statham thinks he's doing an American accent in every movie?

[A]

He's doing good job.

[B]

His real voice is, like super high pitched and he's like, definitely lowering it, but it's still very British.

[C]

When I was playing the beekeeper, I tried to get into the mindset of.

[B]

I was flying the bay caper. Then it's Jason Statham, and he's got a big curly wig and a big apron on, and it's like, that's toasty.

[A]

That he's holding the handbag. He screams like, ET.

[B]

Et. ET is the one British actor who does a terrible American act.

[C]

Phone home.

[A]

I heard that ET is really rude to waiters, too.

[C]

He grabs butts.

[A]

He grabs butts?

[C]

Yeah. ET stands for ew. Stop it.

[A]

I couldn't think of anything lowerclay S.

[C]

Capital T. I will say top it. And I do think he's. I do think he's a tremendous actor.

[B]

Who? E.T.

[C]

Tremendous actor.

[B]

I think et's great.

[A]

Yeah. E.T. won the Oscar best supporting actor role in Michael Clayton.

[B]

Here's my thing about et, though.

[C]

Jumped up on the seats and walked.

[B]

Across after the one movie that's the.

[A]

Funniest joke to make. And then he dip kissed up Halle.

[C]

Berry in a Rastafarian cap. Adrien Brody did both those things.

[B]

Who did Adrien Brody introduce as a Rastafarian? Does anyone remember what band it was?

[A]

I can't know. But then.

[C]

That's so funny, though. What was. Who was.

[A]

Then ET went. Was it someone that would be Adele.

[C]

De Zeese, Soundgarden or something like. I don't know.

[B]

It wasn't like Sean Paul or like. It was. Was literally sound guarded.

[C]

I don't think it made sense.

[B]

It didn't make sense. Okay, ET can wear the Rastafarian wig because he's not from anywhere.

[C]

Oh, Sean Paul. And it Says the mob. Jamaican accent was definitely unscripted. And allegedly, Sean Paul was very pissed off by Adrian's introduction.

[B]

Why did he not get the joke? 71 weeks. This has been on the charts. For a while there it was rough. But lately I've been doing better then the last four cold Decembers I recall and I see my family every month I found a girl my parents love.

[C]

Adel Counting Crows Cold December, cold December.

[B]

It'S been a cold December she'll come and stay the night and I think I might have it all and I thank God every day for the girl he sent my way But I know the things he gives me he can take away and I hold you every night and that's a feeling I want to get used to. But there's no man as terrified as the man who stands to lose.

[C]

You Buzz.

[B]

Oh, Adol.

[C]

I think I'm gonna hate myself if I don't at least try to say da, da. Beautiful dancer. You go, is it that?

[B]

Hey, I don't know what that means. What is that?

[A]

Da da. It's the little fella who does the backflips. This beautiful Daniel.

[C]

It's like the goose.

[B]

Oh, is that the way? Hey, this is one I didn't look up for the show because I had no interest. I was like, I know. I don't know this one. But yes, it is the little backflip boy.

[C]

Benson Boone.

[B]

Benson Boone. Do you know the name of the song?

[A]

Tank?

[B]

Sounds like a goose is singing this song.

[C]

Honk.

[B]

Don't take blank blank. That I did.

[C]

That's beautiful. Thank you, Peter.

[A]

Benson Boone is three geese wearing a jumpsuit. It was really hard for them to learn how to do one backwards.

[B]

Where he's doing a backflip. You can see the three geese.

[A]

You can see the three geese.

[B]

They never stop touching, but they come apart a little bit.

[A]

I mean, they're for sure.

[C]

His album is called Untitled Benson Project with goose crossed out.

[A]

Genson Goose. Thank you, Casey.

[C]

Genson Goose.

[B]

It was right there. Created by Adol Refai, starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cohen. Casey. Tony did the editing and Marty Parent did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there, Nordstroms and racks. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We explore what happens in between Christmas and New Year. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyrurdlertle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a hitgam podcast.

[B]

Hi, I'm Nicole Byer.

[A]

Hi, I'm Sasheer Zamada. And this is the podcast Best Friends. And we're here, Spirit Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk? Yeah, we're best friends.

[C]

We talk, and then we have a.

[A]

Segment where we answer questions and queries so audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. Yes, we are professional friends.

[B]

We are professional friends.

[A]

Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast. Podcast and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week. I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing.

[C]

You were.

[B]

I'm really sorry. The support. I was so okay. I was trying to be supportive.

[A]

Yeah. But I was like, I don't know.

[C]

Reading seems pretty hard right now.

[A]

It's a lot, I think.

[B]

You did good.

[C]

Thank you so much.

[A]

You're welcome.