#389: Best of 2025 Part 2

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle #389 – "Best of 2025 Part 2"

Release Date: December 31, 2025
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Special Guests/Characters: Esmeralda, Dr. Blister Fingers, Casey, Jacob, others as part of various improvised bits.

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Episode Overview

This "Best Of" installment is a raucous, joke-dense montage of beloved sketches, bits, and improvised scenes from Hey Riddle Riddle’s 2025 output. It features the trio’s signature mix of unruly riddles, rapid-fire character work, and deranged, surreal comedic scenarios. The episode celebrates the podcast's patented blend: about 25% actual riddles, 75% wild improv and pop culture goofs.

Main Themes and Purpose

• Highlights from 2025: Hand-picked favorite moments and fan-favorite improv scenes.
• Patreon & Bonus Content: Teasers of wild, unfiltered Patreon material.
• Homemade Riddles, Parodies, Absurd Characters: The episode is a madcap showcase of the podcast’s collaborative "rules are suggestions" spirit.
• Community and Holiday Mood: With Christmas and New Year framing, the hosts riff on holiday traditions, favorite songs, and resolutions, all while joking about their own status as "overrated Chicago improvisers."

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Key Segments and Memorable Bits

Holiday Banter & Playful Self-Deprecation (00:50–02:55)

• The gang riffs on favorite Christmas songs (Shakin’ Stevens’ “Merry Christmas Everyone”; Harry Connick Jr.; Run DMC) and turns a Die Hard reference into a Hans Gruber Band bit.
  • Quote – Adal: "Do you guys have a favorite Christmas song?" (01:12)
• They joke about podcast awards, riffing that they’ve been nominated for a “UN war crimes tribunal” (05:16), and escalate the absurdity with jokes about "public execution" as a podcast prize.
• Erin’s editing is commended; typical self-roasting humor:
  • Quote – Erin: "I'm my least favorite comedian. I can't stand the sound of my own voice, but I do think you guys are still funny. And that's a great sign." (02:37)

Improvised Scenes & Character Games (07:31–44:53)

The middle of the episode is a barrage of improv games and comedic set-pieces, such as:

• Vampire Prom (07:31)
  • Chaperoning a vampire prom, discussing vampire teens turning into bats and pooping guano into socks, anxious about a mixer with a "Too Much Blood" school.
  • Quote – Esmeralda: "My Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock. It's a lot of guano in his sock." (08:07)
• Process Server Magician (10:08):
  • Adol tries to evade being served divorce papers while Erin, as a process server, employs magic tricks. (10:23)
• Drunk NASA Mission Control (11:41):
  • An astronaut tries to communicate with a clearly intoxicated Houston mission control. "Are you talking to the astronauts on the phone?" (12:44)
• Home Construction for JP Riddles (15:08):
  • JPC describes an absurd Massachusetts house (“all windows are doors and doors are windows,” "rabbit oven"), and how to keep out invaders with trick poles and bug-filled walls for his "rabbit chef." (15:25)
  • Quote – JPC: "My chef is a rabbit. My chef is a rabbit." (16:17)
• Bank Scene with Channing Tatum (21:17):
  • Adal, forgetting his name as Channing Tatum, tries to rob a bank by shouting confused variations on celebrity names.
  • Recurring joke about shouting “Everybody on the floor!” without context.
• Presidential Nature Documentaries (23:56):
  • Imagine Trump or Biden narrating Netflix’s “Our Planet.”
  • Quote – Esmeralda / Trump voice: "They call them killer whales. Beautiful whales. Never seen them kill, but I've heard that they can." (24:44)
• Monster High School (26:43):
  • Frankenstein’s monster and Dracula attempt high school, struggle with awkward scene restarts and “cookie monster” impressions.
• Alvin & Simon at Theodore’s Funeral (30:17):
  • Struggle to remain sad with high-pitched chipmunk voices, which devolves into meta-improv arguing.
  • Leads to “Scene Court” (31:45) over improv rules and the use of soundboards.

Edgy Musical Parodies & Wild Improv (61:12–64:39)

• Hosts sing “Come on My Titties” as a Lion King parody (61:12), pushing their penchant for dirty song improv and relentless escalation.
• Banter about being nominated for a Tony (“Tony’s nominating us for mini Casey!” 64:29) and “Arabian Nuts” as a play on “A Whole New World” (64:37).

Running Gags & Surreal Scenes (73:00–88:47)

• Big Breakfast Inheritance (73:00):
  • Dysfunctional family at a breakfast where will and inheritance are given or revoked based on breakfast behavior.
  • Frequent shouting of "cunt, you goof!" as a phony aristocratic insult. (74:01+)
• Gotham-Style Customer Service Calls (78:33–86:12):
  • Satirical scenes as Gotham citizens calling Commissioner Gordon’s office with complaints about Batman stuffing goons in their trash and villain-related incidents at local businesses.
• Make a Pig, God! (87:42):
  • Esmeralda as an inebriated God attempts to invent animals; includes running jokes about creating pufferfish, anglerfish, and an “ex-wife” as the first creation.

Homeowner’s Hotline Horror (117:41–123:16)

• Greg Blueberry’s Homeowner’s Hotline (117:41):
  • A dark, surreal parody of call-in home advice shows, in which giving personal details on-air results in callers being hunted down and killed, escalating into an absurdly grim running bit about “don’t give your address on air.”
  • Quote – JPC as Greg: "There is a reckoning coming for you, Faith, because you, Faith, cannot listen to simple instructions." (122:08)

Notable Quotes & Classic Moments

• "Do you guys have a favorite Christmas song?" (01:12 – JPC)
• "You have to be invited in. You can't just walk in. You have to be invited." (09:41 – Aaron)
• "My chef is a rabbit. My chef is a rabbit. My chef is a rabbit." (16:17 – JPC)
• "If you see the worm, you don't go to heaven." (59:01 – Running joke in pirate cult scene)
• "Cunt, you goof!" (Various, starting at 74:01 – Big Breakfast Inheritance scene)
• "They call them killer whales. Beautiful whales. Never seen them kill, but I've heard that they can." (24:44 – Esmeralda/Trump impression)
• "Come on my titties, what a wonderful phrase." (63:01 – Adal, singing Lion King parody)
• "My eyes are back." (95:36 – JPC, after too much espresso)
• "Don't give them your address, Mike!" (119:09 – JPC/Greg Blueberry Hotline segment)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Bit | |------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:50 | Kick-off, "Best Of" intro, holiday music debate | | 05:16 | Satire: Nominated for "UN war crimes tribunal" as an award | | 07:31 | Vampire Prom scene | | 10:08 | Divorce papers magic trick scene | | 11:41 | Drunk NASA Houston mission control skit | | 15:08 | JP Riddles’ absurd home construction wishes | | 21:17 | Channing Tatum/Bank confusion-improv | | 23:56 | Nature doc parodies (Obama/Trump/Biden) | | 26:43 | Monster High School/scene restarts | | 30:17 | Chipmunks at a funeral; scene court | | 61:12 | "Come on My Titties" Lion King parody | | 73:00 | Big Breakfast Inheritance scene / "cunt, you goof!" | | 78:33 | Gotham residents’ complaints to Commissioner Gordon's office | | 87:42 | “God, Make a Pig” – drunken God invents animals | | 117:41 | Homeowner’s Hotline bombarded by doomed callers |

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Tone and Style

• Wildly irreverent, fast, and punchy.
• Heavy use of meta-improv, break-in-character, self-aware inside jokes.
• Parody and pastiche: everything from nature docs to Lion King, home advice shows, Gotham City.
• Recurrent escalation—one-off bits snowball into multi-minute riffs.
• Extremely “unfiltered,” especially in Patreon segments.

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Final Notes for New Listeners

This episode is a premium sampler of the Hey Riddle Riddle vibe: If you love comedic anarchy, fast-talking improvisers, non-sequitur humor, and playful rudeness, this “Best Of” is a rollicking ride. If you arrive expecting straight riddles and puzzles, be ready for the chaos — as the hosts say, “This podcast is barely about them!”

For those looking to keep up: Patreon offers even more wild, bonus content—and the “Clue Crew” community is regularly invoked for fan engagement and extra episodes.

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Episode Highlights (Quick Reference)

• 🎶 Riffing on favorite Christmas songs (01:00–01:50)
• 🤪 Podcast “award” for war crimes (04:49–05:55)
• 🦇 Vampire Prom PTA (07:31–09:59)
• 🚀 Drunk NASA Mission Control (11:41–13:14)
• 🔑 Absurdist home construction wishes (15:08–18:22)
• 🕺 Channing Tatum Bank Scene (21:17–23:38)
• 🐋 Trump/Biden/Obama "narrating" nature docs (23:56–25:18)
• 🏰 Monster High School/scene confusion (26:43–30:00)
• 🥞 Big Breakfast/Cursed Will ("Cunt, you goof!") (73:00–78:00)
• ☎️ Homeowner’s Horror Call-in Show (117:41–123:35)

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For the Full Experience

• Follow the in-episode timestamps for your favorite bits.
• Skip advertisements – jump to the listed content sections for pure improv joy.
• Notable for highly quotable, instantly memeable lines—expect a fast pace, raunchy humor, and energetic chaos.

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"Come on my titties, what a wonderful phrase."
— Adal (63:01, Lion King parody)

"If you lift up the hat and you see the worm, you're not going to heaven. That's what the worm told the grand..."
— JPC (59:01, Pirate Cult Scene)

"There is a reckoning coming for you, Faith, because you, Faith, cannot listen to simple instructions."
— JPC as Greg Blueberry (122:08, Homeowner’s Hotline)

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Aaron Keefe]

This is a headgun podcast. Did you know you can opt out of winter with VRBO? Save up to $1,500 for booking a month long stay with thousands of sunny homes. Why subject yourself to the cold? Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book [e-mail] the doctor was the mother.

[Jacob]

He stood on a block of ice Both of them were goldfish it was the cabin of an air he dabbed.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Him with an icing rag and the horses Team Friday.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

It's beginning to look a lot like Part two. Part two of the Best of Shows.

[Esmeralda]

We did this last week.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

We did this last weekend. We're doing it again.

[Aaron Keefe]

We're doing the same thing again.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Do you guys have a favorite Christmas song?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh Holy Night. Really?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's a slow one.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love O Holy Night every rendition. Celine Dion, Nat King Cole. I also love the well, it's not Christmas anymore now that this part two is out. But I do like the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas album.

[Esmeralda]

I like Shaking Stevens, Merry Christmas Everyone, which is a divisive Christmas song. I'll say. I've had people get mad at me that that's one of my favorite Christmas songs. I also enjoy Christmas Time in Hollis by Run dmc. I feel like it's just a really delightful Christmas song.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's a blast. I know people are gonna jump down my throat for this, but my favorite Christmas song is Merry Christmas by the Hans Gruber Band. It's a Christmas song. It's a song that takes place at Christmas. It's a Christmas song.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mmm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's on the CD with Nakatomi Plaza Rock.

[Esmeralda]

Well, anyways, Naka told me not to come.

[Aaron Keefe]

Here's part two of the Best of the first big chunk of the episode is from our main feed and then there's some stuff at the end that's from our Patreon because that's fun too. And we like to have fun no matter where we go. And if you're interested in having a free week of our Patreon, if you are running out of things to do this time of year, the link will be in our bio for that. If you want to give us a shot, it would mean a lot.

[Esmeralda]

And we do have to give the biggest gift of all, which is a big thank you to Aaron Keefe for putting these together.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, thanks Adol. I'm my least favorite comedian. I can't stand the sound of my own voice, but I do think you guys are still funny. And that's a Great sign.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Just as an example of some of the stuff that we love to put in the Patreon, it's things like last.

[Aaron Keefe]

Night I called myself the dumbest bitch in school.

[Esmeralda]

You know, Aaron, I think he's still got it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. And then like, things like fisting a horse, of course. So, you know, obviously, join the Patreon and get some of these classic bits that you won't find anywhere else.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

This isn't really good.

[Aaron Keefe]

I do call myself dumb a lot. This past weekend, anytime I did something even remotely impressive, I went, not bad for a dumb girl. So, I don't know, I think maybe I need to be gentler with myself. Yes.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Can you change dumb to a different adjective that also describes you but is not as negative? So the next time you want to, like, be self deprecating, can you say tall? Like, can you say tall girl?

[Aaron Keefe]

Stupid.

[Esmeralda]

Hold on. Lateral move.

[Aaron Keefe]

Idiot girl.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, I hate it. And obviously, before we get into this and end this intro, Aaron, let's go ahead and press the button where JPC says something crazy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[Esmeralda]

And press.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Absolutely wasn't. Ooh, Mommy horny.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yuck.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Is it something that. That was the first one that I saw in a panic and it kind of worked out. No, the one that I use all the time is okay, slay mama. And that's just one. That's just one that I now it's part of my vernacular. I'll say slay mama all the time at home.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love that.

[Esmeralda]

Horny mama. A lot of mom and mommy. Hey.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

A lot of mom and mommy stuff with me. And what's some stuff with you? And isn't that the reason for the season? Maybe you're at home, you have some quiet time for recollection and kind think about what kind of makes you tick and take that into 2026 with you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, maybe be gentle with yourself. Maybe take it easy. You know what? I think that New Year's resolutions are best started in February.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And that is great advice from the tallest idiot I know.

[Aaron Keefe]

Happy New Year.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, shit. Aaron Adol. This is crazy. I just got a letter in the mail that says that we're eligible for a podcast award.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, what's it say? What's it say?

[Esmeralda]

Oh, my God, it's happening.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, okay. It's finally happening. Okay. You have been nominated for best podcast at the. Oh.

[Aaron Keefe]

What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It says it's a UN war crimes tribunal.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Whoa.

[Esmeralda]

Finally. Who are we up against?

[Aaron Keefe]

Whoa. It's written in blood. Cool.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, it says we're up against the wall, Motherfucker does that make sense?

[Esmeralda]

Oh, Pink Floyd.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I guess.

[Esmeralda]

They must have started a podcast. I know David Gilmore.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's like a Pink Floyd.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, well, let's just skip to the part about the prize. Okay. Now this is fun.

[Aaron Keefe]

What's it say?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

A public. So I don't know how big that means, but public. That's pretty cool for us. Execution.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ooh.

[Esmeralda]

Are you sure it's not a pubic execution?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You know what? I'm reading it now, and no, it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is not pubic exhibition. I think it says.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, you're jumping ahead here. And I got it. That's the next piece of mail.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, sorry.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, that one's done, though. That's cool. I'll apply for that. Or says it's mandatory, anyway, so.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, this is all good. All news is good news.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

All news is good news.

[Esmeralda]

All news is good news.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Erin put her head in her hand as soon as she said all this is good news to the notice that we got mail for a. What was it, Aaron? A pubic inspection?

[Aaron Keefe]

Something like that. Anyways, welcome to. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. That's Adel over there.

[Casey]

Hi.

[Aaron Keefe]

Leave a little Adolf.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hello.

[Aaron Keefe]

He's on that side of the fence. And JPC is over there on his side of the fence.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Woo.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

On my side of the fence. And that's Aaron, and she's riding the middle. Centrist, baby. No opinions one way or the other.

[Esmeralda]

Or if you're. What's her name? I almost said Bobbitt, but that's a different person. Who's the woman who went to Beetlejuice and got real handsy?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, Lauren Boebert.

[Esmeralda]

Boebert.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Good for her. Live life as a hypocrite. That's the way to go.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Live moss.

[Aaron Keefe]

Live moss.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Absolutely. Live moss.

[Aaron Keefe]

Get and give a hand stuff at Beetlejuice, the musical tour. That's what I always say. Give and receive. Hand stuff.

[Esmeralda]

Please put that on, like, a cheapy wooden sign and sell it at, like, a Marshall's. The home goods.

[Aaron Keefe]

You don't have to ask me twice.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron Adol, you are chaperones at Vampire Prom, and you're trying to, like, keep the vampires from doing anything too untoward at Vampire Prom.

[Esmeralda]

Um, yeah. Michael. Michael's my boy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, he's very sweet.

[Esmeralda]

Thank you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Unlike my boy, who turned into a bat. I don't know where he went.

[Esmeralda]

I mean, that's. I feel like, you know, the minute they sort of suss out that ability, it's just morning, noon, and night. Bat, bat, bat, bat, bat.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's disgusting. I can hear him turning into a bat at all hours. It's disgusting.

[Esmeralda]

I've had to do so much laundry because my Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock. It's a lot of guano in his sock.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, hey. Two feet apart, no necks. No necks.

[Esmeralda]

And no, let's not put any booze in the blood, okay? Because that'll. I mean, kids. Yeah. I think these kids are insane.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, I'm not the one organizing these dances. I'll admit I'm not showing up to these PTA meetings, but should we have had this be a mixer with the local school for children with too much blood? I know. And I know I'm not an expert on the these things.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, I. And I gotta say, it feels like. And I don't. This isn't an accusation.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, yeah.

[Esmeralda]

It feels like they're mocking us. That. That school feels like they're mocking us. Cuz they are. The fighting Too Much Bloods. Their mascot is someone fit to burst. It's almost like a Willy Wonka roll doll situation of like. Who was the girl that filled up with all that blueberry juice?

[Aaron Keefe]

Veruca. No, no, no, no. Violet Beauregard.

[Esmeralda]

That's right. That's right. So it does feel like that school is mocking us. But probably. I mean, yeah, it's like they're.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, like obviously we are trying to encourage our kid, but like they're setting us up for failure here.

[Esmeralda]

Yes. Michael has been biting Capri suns. He's been biting squeezits just to get in the habit. But I feel like he needs this first kid killer. He's gonna go crazy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey. Hey. You have to be invited in. You can't just walk in. You have to be invited.

[Esmeralda]

You can't just walk in. Do you go here? You're like 20. You're like 20 years old. I mean, sorry, you're like 2000. 20 vampire years is 2000.

[Casey]

See?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, I said scene. I said scene. But I said it in vampire, which.

[Esmeralda]

Is just blah, blah, black.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, you are going to be a process server serving ADOL with divorce papers. But adol, you are going to be doing anything you can to get rid of the papers so that no one can prove that you were served.

[Aaron Keefe]

And you've been served. I'm so sorry to do it like this. You thought we were on a date.

[Esmeralda]

Ah, that's quite all right. I'm having a lovely time. Hey, pick a card. Any card.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, I really don't want to indulge in this because I'm at work.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, put it back in the deck. Okay, now check your upper left coat pocket.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's not gonna be in there.

[Esmeralda]

Are those the divorce papers?

[Aaron Keefe]

No, it's the two of diamonds. That's my card. It's impressive that you did that, but the divorce paper.

[Esmeralda]

Check your other coat pocket.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, you're getting up to leave and to run away from the divorce paper. No. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Ow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh.

[Esmeralda]

Oh. I tr.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, fuck.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, you've been served. Here are the papers.

[Esmeralda]

That's a joke leg.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Ha, ha.

[Esmeralda]

Throws out a banana peel.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Slips on.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

His own banana peel.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, hey, hey. You've been served. You've been served. Hey, I know it stinks. I know it stinks, but you've been served. Wait, what is in my pocket? Are these the divorce papers?

[Esmeralda]

Mm. Froze. A red turtle shell behind me gets.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hit by red turtle shell. No, you do.

[Esmeralda]

Oh.

[Aaron Keefe]

Dean Adol, you are an astronaut in space. And you are checking in with Houston and jpc, you're the guy at the computer and you are clearly drunk. And so, Adol, you're getting a little nervous.

[Esmeralda]

Houston, this is Calypso 48. We are orbiting Venus. We're seeing some anom.

[Jacob]

Roger, Dodger lips.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Over.

[Jacob]

Eight, this is.

[Esmeralda]

Sorry, you're breaking up. Can you repeat that?

[Jacob]

No, no. Oh, yeah, we shouldn't. I'm looking at the. I'm looking at the screen and everything looks to be normal. So, shoot. Shoot for the moon.

[Esmeralda]

Houston, I can see you. Your eyes are closed. You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck.

[Jacob]

There's probably. There's a delay for Venus, so you can see me from when I was sleeping last night. But tomorrow night is a new night. I'm wide awake.

[Esmeralda]

Houston, again, I think we're having some audio issues. It sounds like you're doing some sort of slam poetry or something. You're slurring your.

[Jacob]

I seen you in my station. Jeff said I go to the bathroom. Cover me five minutes. So I'm covering for Jeff, but I'm looking at the.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are you talking to the astronauts on the phone?

[Jacob]

I hope not. I hope not, because. Tell them they're handsomes. What?

[Aaron Keefe]

Tell them they're handsomes.

[Jacob]

I can't say that.

[Casey]

Please.

[Aaron Keefe]

They're so handsomes.

[Jacob]

Tell them, Calypso44, are you handsome?

[Esmeralda]

Who was that for? A different craft in space. This is Calypso 48.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

48.

[Jacob]

So landing gear, engage.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, no. Our landing gear just came out. We are being thrown off. Oh, no. We're Being thrown off course.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Esmeralda]

We're going towards the sun.

[Aaron Keefe]

Opportunity for growth.

[Esmeralda]

Please tell my wife I love her. Tell my. Tell Tommy that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Tell my Cummy.

[Esmeralda]

He's gonna be a big basic.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh no.

[Esmeralda]

You talk. Go ahead.

[Jacob]

Tell the commies my wife Talk. Tell the commies my wife taught. What? Tell the mummy cummies.

[Aaron Keefe]

Tell the mummy cummies what?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Speak.

[Esmeralda]

Speak.

[Aaron Keefe]

Tell the mummy gummies what?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

N. With heavy heart.

[Esmeralda]

Please don't tell my wife Mummy cummies.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Please tell the American people my wife.

[Esmeralda]

Tell my wife I love her. Tell my kids. Please don't. Oh, please.

[Jacob]

And it blew up in the sun.

[Esmeralda]

Is this recording? Is this. Does this get recorded? Oh, cuz I can't.

[Aaron Keefe]

You want to sing?

[Esmeralda]

No.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Please. Sing a song to the people.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sing a song to the.

[Esmeralda]

Please don't tell my wife Mommy cummies.

[Jacob]

Sing a song to the earth.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We are the people.

[Esmeralda]

Oh no.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. Calypso for the new. I'm trying to track you in. The location seems to be closer to sun.

[Esmeralda]

Hello.

[Aaron Keefe]

So rude.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Rude Rube.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's ridiculous. Do you think we should go back to Chuck E. Cheese's?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I too much think to go to Chuck E. Cheese with me at nice time. And I got the keys and I got a little kid puppet. Cause I won't let you in without a puppet. That's the kid.

[Esmeralda]

Three days later did my husband have any last words?

[Aaron Keefe]

He did.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Sorry we didn't have full of the American flag.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

We did our best.

[Aaron Keefe]

We did bunch up in a ball.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We bunched up in a ball. And that's not America flag, but it's a pride flag.

[Aaron Keefe]

Happy pride. Mommy comes blow up in space.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Still drunk on a bender. On a Chuck E. Cheese bender.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, it's the summer.

[Esmeralda]

What?

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm not gonna go on a Chuck E. Cheese bender. Jpc, you are JP Riddles. And you're building a new home. And ADOL is your contractor and you're telling him some of the specific stuff you're looking to have in your home.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right. Legally, in the state of Massachusetts, I am barred from entering through the door of a home. So all I'm asking is that all the windows are doors and all the doors are windows. Does that make sense? Cause what you've done is build a stand at home.

[Esmeralda]

Yes, I.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But I can't enter through the door. I have to enter through the windows. And the doors are windows and windows are doors. Yeah, that I get into the home.

[Esmeralda]

Okay. I'm just. I'm trying to follow Massachusetts sort of protocol.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Throw that out. Let's Talk brass tacks. How's my rabbit oven coming?

[Esmeralda]

Throw it out the door or the.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Window, it doesn't matter. It just can't be near me, man. How's the rabbit oven coming?

[Esmeralda]

And I've told you a million times, any oven's a rabbit oven. If you put a rabbit in it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, it is not an oven to cook a rabbit. It is an oven that can be operated by a rabbit. So it has to be very small and very close to the floor because they don't go up on counters.

[Esmeralda]

Okay?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'll tell you a million times. My chef is a rabbit, okay? My chef is a rabbit. My chef is a rabbit.

[Esmeralda]

Okay? If we go further into. I trust you. If we go further into the home, you see, I've replaced all the stairs with poles.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, good.

[Casey]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And some of these are trick pulls.

[Esmeralda]

Some of them are tricks. The minute you grab them, they fall apart.

[Casey]

Yep.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You fall. They fall apart.

[Esmeralda]

Yep.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Because I got lots of invaders. I get lots of invaders.

[Esmeralda]

That's what you mentioned. And there are buttons all around the house that you can press. And the floor will open up down into a chute to the basement.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

There shouldn't be buttons. The floor should just open at random. I can't mess with buttons I can't mess with. And you said I can shoot in the basement.

[Esmeralda]

You can shoot in the basement.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, good, because I've been getting pretty good at bow and arrow. Now, my bow and arrow is a little bit different because it's bones and arrow. And so I'm using bones to shoot arrows, but the arrows are bones. Basically, I get a big bag of bones and I just chuck that shit into the basement. And if you're telling me that that's legal, then we're gonna be okay. A. Okay.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

How does it smell in the house?

[Esmeralda]

Very bad. There's clearly dead fish in the walls.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Use the paint that I use. The paint that I recommended, I did. I squeezed all that paint from fish. That's fish paint.

[Esmeralda]

It's blood. The walls are painted in blood.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Fish don't have blood. They have paint because they have gills.

[Esmeralda]

Whatever you say, sir.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Thank you. Hey, I'm the one who signs your checks. American Sign language. I know it. I was taught it by a raccoon, and I use it to sign your checks.

[Esmeralda]

Well, you've just been doing sort of a finger slightly down and then up at an angle that's slightly down.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm fingering down all over that raccoon.

[Esmeralda]

You can't say that to me.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I can't what do you. How much longer?

[Jacob]

Lee.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm Lee. How much longer is it gonna be until the house is ready? Give it to me.

[Esmeralda]

In Earth months, legally, I mean, the house is technically ready right now.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What?

[Esmeralda]

The house is ready now?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

There's no lid.

[Esmeralda]

Roof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, I see the roof. There's no lid.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, I see.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This house is gonna be. Oh, this house is gonna be full of bugs. A house needs a lid if I want to put a big jar around it to keep all the bugs inside.

[Esmeralda]

I've seen you bring bugs in by the bucketful. You brought these in?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. Why do you think I'm wearing a lid on my head right now, above my hat? To keep the bugs inside?

[Esmeralda]

I didn't want to ask.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, you didn't need to ask, because your bugs are probably all gobbledygook all around the place.

[Esmeralda]

Sassafras.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Your bugs all escaping because you're not wearing a lid on your head.

[Esmeralda]

Sassafras. Sassafras. Was that the safe word? Sassafras. I want to leave. Can I leave?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, you want to leave? Fine. Fine. But before you go, let's be honest with each other for one minute. I don't own this house. I never did.

[Aaron Keefe]

What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't own this house.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, no. There's a car pulling up. Who's that? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's the youngest boy.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Here we go. Yeah, it's a chicken seed. This house I owned by my friend who's a chicken. He let me stay here. So I thought that maybe we could, like. And it's not. We're not leeching off of anything else. You know, we're being inspired, certainly by other things, but we're creating something for ourselves. And it can't be Costco, obviously, because that's covered. So is there, like, another store? And it could be any store. Just that the two of you could, like, agree on that. We might. That might be, like. That might have something there for us.

[Esmeralda]

Sorry, you want us to do, like, the Costco review guys thing?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't want us to do anything.

[Esmeralda]

Like, the dad and the son who are.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't want us to do anything.

[Esmeralda]

Don't look good.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But if we were gonna do something.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

And I guess I just have one big question from over here, from the Aaron camp. We have one sort of big question.

[Esmeralda]

You're the kid on the dad.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, that was actually going to be my second question because I would maybe like to be the dad.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, that's great.

[Aaron Keefe]

Also, sometimes, guys, the three of us play House, we all fight about who gets to be the baby, who gets to be the dad.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We all listen.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, exactly.

[Casey]

The volleyball.

[Esmeralda]

Right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Who gets to be Cuddy? Aaron always wants to be Cuddy. Maybe somebody else could be Cuddy for once.

[Aaron Keefe]

Who gets to be Hugh Laurie? David, you kind of like that one.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Cudi and Wilson, the three characters on House. What's your question?

[Aaron Keefe]

My question is, and this is absolutely no judgment, and I love everything we do.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, I love this. I love how this is not loaded.

[Aaron Keefe]

This is not loaded at all. Do we think that this is going to be a relevant pop culture thing when this episode comes out? And I know we don't really care about that. We were making my wife jokes in 2019.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, but, like, maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie.

[Esmeralda]

Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie.

[Aaron Keefe]

So I'm wondering. But that's. And this is just me wondering out loud. This is not literally.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Let's graph it. You guys want to do Hawk TOA again?

[Esmeralda]

Well, hold on.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Adol, you're gonna be playing Channing Tatum. And Aaron, you're gonna be working at a bank. And adol, you're gonna forget that your name is Channing Tatum. And you're really going to be trying to search for it and hit what your name is when Aaron's checking you in here.

[Casey]

Sure.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, welcome to Chase Bank. How can I help you today?

[Esmeralda]

Wow, you're pretty.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, thank you.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, sorry. I'm looking in the reflection of the sort of plastic sort of guard here.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God, I did it again.

[Esmeralda]

Sorry, I'm just a very pretty man. Nice to meet you. My name is Chudingtudum. I can be right.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sorry. Sorry. I'm feeling. It's just a little muffled through the glass.

[Esmeralda]

Chutting Tateman, chatting. Tateman.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sorry, sir. I'm having a little bit of a hard time. You just need to lean a little bit closer to the glass, and I'll be able to hear you and type your name in. Or you could give me. If you want to hand me your card game.

[Esmeralda]

Is cuddles cuddling? No, that can't be right. Everybody on the floor. The dance floor. The dance floor. Magic.

[Aaron Keefe]

You can't.

[Esmeralda]

Sir, you pick a card, any card.

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't care if you're a celebrity. You cannot be yelling, Everybody on the floor. Inside of the bank.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm sorry.

[Esmeralda]

I'm sorry.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, I. I know. I think I might recognize you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, hey. Is that who I think it is? Hey, it's Me Joe. Joe Manglij. Joe Manglijello. That can't be right.

[Esmeralda]

Jenna Hill. Oh, no, the tall one.

[Aaron Keefe]

No.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

For Magic Mike, I'm God. What is.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. John, you were married to Sargia Sarvarva.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Don't say we're married, because obviously I'm not.

[Jacob]

Any.

[Esmeralda]

I got divorced. Oh, I feel like I have that.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. Fellas, is this a movie reunion or what? It's me, Mood Boomi, from White White Suits. That's not right. The white suits on tnt. No.

[Esmeralda]

Churning Tillman. Churning Tillman.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, oh, oh. I know who you are. You are. Oh, my God.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, I got it. You know what? I got it. Stalker Channing. I'm Stalker Channing. I was Rizzo in Greece.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You know what? I'm Joe Montana.

[Aaron Keefe]

What do you want?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I am a football player. I am not. I am not.

[Aaron Keefe]

What do you guys want me to type into the computer?

[Esmeralda]

Money.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Money, please. Money, please.

[Esmeralda]

The perfect scene. Aaron, the perfect scene happened on your watch.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, God.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Wait.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are the things that happen on your watch.

[Esmeralda]

Look at me.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's fucked up.

[Esmeralda]

Sandra Doe.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know everything is so scary right now, and things are very rarely funny, and especially with Trump. It's just not funny because it's so scary and dangerous. But yesterday, I wanted to wind down for the night by watching, like, a nature thing on Netflix. And I watched, like, our world's oceans, and the narrator of that is Barack Obama. And I was sitting and I was watching him talking about whales, and then I started, like, dying laughing, because I went, can you fathom Trump ever doing something like this? Agreeing to narrate a nature documentary about, like, whales in the Pacific Ocean. He would get so sidetracked so fast. Oh, dying laughing.

[Esmeralda]

They call them kill her whales. Beautiful whales.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Never seen them kill, but I've heard that they can.

[Esmeralda]

They call them.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They can be very killer.

[Aaron Keefe]

They call them orcams.

[Esmeralda]

They call him orkums.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

He's got a seal. Seals are very nasty. It's okay to kill them. They're very nasty creatures.

[Esmeralda]

A lot of the whales, they're dying from the windmills. The windmills are killing the whales, Actually, Aaron.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes, yes, I killed. I can't see Trump doing this. I can see, honestly, like, Trump leaves office in three years, and he gets the exact same Netflix deal that Obama got, because Netflix cares about one thing. They're like, hey, you know what?

[Jacob]

We have a.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We just have. I can see Joe Biden doing it, too, where he's just like, here's a whale oh, no, we don't understand. Where'd it go? Okay, I'm just looking at the water.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I was looking at the water.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm crying again.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, hold on, hold on.

[Aaron Keefe]

I gotta. We're so fucking cooked.

[Esmeralda]

What's another? And what if. And what if? Teddy Roosevelt. And I think it would go a little something.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

Bully Bully Free Willy Bully Free Four.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Whales and score of orca.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No one knows what Lincoln sounded like. Daniel Day Lewis was like, what if.

[Aaron Keefe]

He sounds like this?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And we were like, I guess we have to.

[Esmeralda]

We have to go with it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We don't have any recordings.

[Esmeralda]

He's the actor. We're kind of fucked.

[Aaron Keefe]

What a huge swing he made. I bet Abraham Lincoln talked like.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But it's Abraham Lincoln, and I only talk in song. This might be your last movie, Daniel.

[Esmeralda]

And he's like, I'm trying to get fired. I'm in hell. Every time I take a role, I'm in hell.

[Aaron Keefe]

James K. Polk, probably.

[Esmeralda]

And Aaron, there's three rules about James K. Polk. Don't feed him after midnight. Don't get him wet. Keep him out of the sunlight.

[Aaron Keefe]

These whales are swimming in the ocean.

[Esmeralda]

I do want to see another scene. This is based off the fact that one of the costumes on the list was Cleo Denial from Monster High. Never heard of Monster High. But I do want to see a scene same of the two of you as sort of classic monsters in high school. Aaron, do you have a favorite sort of classic monster?

[Aaron Keefe]

I like a vampire.

[Esmeralda]

Great. So you're a vampire or Dracula type in high school.

[Aaron Keefe]

Great.

[Esmeralda]

Jpc. Do you have a favorite sort of classic monster?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I mean, the most classic monster. Frankenstein's monster.

[Esmeralda]

Perfect. So this is Draculaura, a vampire type and Frankenstein in high school.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Frankenstein's monster.

[Casey]

So sorry.

[Esmeralda]

Frankenstein's monster in high school. And this scene starts now.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

School sucks, right?

[Aaron Keefe]

I said that you get detention Again today, Paul McCartney. I know, I heard it. Scene. Oh, I heard it too. I can't go back in there.

[Esmeralda]

And Aaron, real quick, you cannot call scene. This is still.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know, but I'm just saying. I know I have to go back in that scene, but I went to Bob McCartney and now I can't undo it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Raspberry.

[Esmeralda]

It was almost Bob Dylan.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Right?

[Esmeralda]

It was like getting vampires.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know, but now how am I supposed to get back in that? Okay, I'll go back.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, here's what we'll do. We're gonna restart this SC Slight punishment because we stopped it. Aaron, you're now Frankenstein's monster. Jpc. You're now Dracula and we're in high school and go.

[Aaron Keefe]

High school sucks, huh?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I don't know. I quite like high school at all.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron stayed in the scene.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I know it seems like we're not going to use a lot of the things that we learn here, but I quite like the company. And the teachers are all nice. God, I could go for some blood.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

What I wouldn't do for a little blood. Just a song I'm kind of tinkering with. It's nothing yet.

[Aaron Keefe]

I was wondering if you had a date to homecoming at.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Honestly, all the girls want to go to homecoming with me. They keep swarming me, absolutely mobbing me wherever I go. But I haven't said yes to a single one of them yet.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, maybe you say yes to someone who is made up of a bunch of different dead people.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Take my best friend to homecoming. Why? That could work.

[Casey]

I.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can you be. I feel like I sound a little bit like a Cookie Monster.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Don't know who that is.

[Aaron Keefe]

All right.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Think you sound like yourself.

[Aaron Keefe]

Frankenstein starts jiggling at the door handle of the scene.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Locked.

[Esmeralda]

It's locked.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Maybe I could. Maybe I could ask my best friend if they go to homecoming with me.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can you unlock? I'm motioning to you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Would you go to homecoming?

[Aaron Keefe]

I can't breathe in the scene at all.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Dracula.

[Aaron Keefe]

There's no fresh air in the scene.

[Esmeralda]

Bob Dylan opens the mail slot of the scene, shoves some trail mix in.

[Aaron Keefe]

Here and there for some protein, grabs your hand.

[Esmeralda]

And scene. And scene. Wow. Very good job.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I will say yes. And this is not a criticism of Eren.

[Aaron Keefe]

Don't do this. Don't do this.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

She wasn't really staying in it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey. I was so in it. I was so committed.

[Esmeralda]

Jpc. It was barely noticeable, but I did pick up on that. Aaron and jpc, you are Alvin and Simon. You are at Theodore's funeral and you're trying to be respectful and sad, but also your voices are so sort of high and funny that you can't help but, like, have a good time.

[Aaron Keefe]

Great. How do you measure a life? Is it in laughs? Is it in mischief? Is it in being a part of a song that includes your name? Sorry, is there some. I just don't think I can fucking. I just don't think I can fucking do this right now. I just don't think I can fucking do this right now.

[Esmeralda]

Hey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey. Hey. Hey. Come here. Come here. Oh, God. Hey. This isn't. Why are people laughing? Hey. He's really sad. I don't know why people are laughing. Leave Alvin alone. Why do you sound like that? Why do you sound like. Why don't you sound normal? I thought Casey could maybe add something to my face and post.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, he can't and he shan't. No. Come on. I don't have access to the toys. You have. No. Hold on. Did you hear that whistle? There has been an issue on the field here at. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Do we need to go to Riddle Court, or can we settle this on the field?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, settle this on the. This is not appropriate for Riddle Court.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, fine.

[Esmeralda]

I think this is scene court.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, this is scene court. Let's go to scene court.

[Aaron Keefe]

I want to go to scene court.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Great. Let's go to scene court.

[Aaron Keefe]

All rise for Judge Eric. Wait a second. I'm the bailiff. Okay, then announce Judge Aaron Peace. Oh, so you get to be the judge? Yes.

[Esmeralda]

Is his voice getting higher?

[Aaron Keefe]

And you know what? Adol. You weren't in the scene. Adol. You get to be the judge.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, okay. Order, order. Everyone calm down. Calm down. We seem to have a grievance here filed by one Aaron Keefe.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, Aaron, why don't you step in front of the juror and do one comedic and one dramatic Marron Keefe here.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are my hands willing to shave?

[Esmeralda]

Yes. Also tell us where your hands are.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. And chipmunks. And chipmunks.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah. Sorry, you can't see them, but there's 12 angry chipmunks under the.

[Aaron Keefe]

I get it. I get it.

[Casey]

Okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

We're not angry. Most of us are horny. And that's what you mean. If you. On an episode of. Hey, Riddle, Riddle.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

If you.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, that's not. Come on, man.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Come on, man. She's telling me to fuck myself and I'm not allowed to talk.

[Esmeralda]

I'll allow it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'll allow it.

[Aaron Keefe]

If you.

[Esmeralda]

You. If you want to call me.

[Aaron Keefe]

Assessment drugs on hey, Riddle, Riddle. That is your prerogative. You cannot make the scene that you're in about having said, performance enhancement drugs. That is bad improv. Use the drugs, and if someone adds. It chooses to add a drug of their choice to post, that is their business. Stay the course. Yes. And the scene. And don't make it meta. A meta. Pile of bullshit that I don't have a soundboard. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Is a sound board.

[Casey]

Please.

[Esmeralda]

Gavel, gavel, gavel. Aaron, please. Aaron, please.

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't even know how I would even begin to download a soundboard. Fuck you. Fuck.

[Jacob]

Aaron.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, I'm gonna throw. I'm throw the book at you. I'm throwing the book at you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Somebody's doing the meta bullshit that I was just talking about. Aaron Born being able to do technology.

[Esmeralda]

I'm have to hold you in contempt.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, hey. He is doing it against me. I'm going to. This is gonna have to be a thing where I take this scene to another riddle scene. I'm getting too emotional. I need to calm down.

[Esmeralda]

His voice keeps getting higher.

[Aaron Keefe]

I had motion smoothing on my TV for years without realizing it. I don't know how to. Whatever vote in the comments. I'm saying not everyone has access to the same technology that others do. And I think it is not fair to make a scene about how you have a soundboard. And now you know what I'm gonna have to fucking do this week? Bother Casey. And have Casey hop on the horn with me so I can download a soundboard and become a menace to society. And then we're just three fuckers with soundboards.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey, I love it, man. I'm all for it. What if a Batman movie was just three jokers? Why not?

[Aaron Keefe]

I would like to see a scene. You are two robots at a party and one of you is trying to, like, do a graceful exit and the other one is noticing.

[Esmeralda]

Well, this has been a killer party.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes, I agree. This party has been killer, man.

[Esmeralda]

The music that was chosen was so groovy. Such groovy tunes.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Groovy tunes. And that drinks were reasonably mixed.

[Esmeralda]

I'm sorry I spilled my Manhattan on your motherboard, my man.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It is all good. It is literally water under the cooling system.

[Esmeralda]

Phew. That is a gig off my memory card.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right, brother. Good to run into you.

[Esmeralda]

Good to run. Oh, I'm actually going the same way.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, okay. We were both doing the thing where we say goodbye to one person at the party.

[Esmeralda]

I can say goodbye to one person or zero people.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes, me too. It's binary choice. I feel like if we leave together, people are going to assume that we are going to.

[Esmeralda]

Well, should we give them something to talk about?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Huh? This is not. This is not the way I saw this night going. Compliment. Contemplating probabilities. Okay. Yes. I could be a do this.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, man. I was joking. This is awkward now. I am so sorry. I was joking. Yes, me too.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Me too.

[Esmeralda]

Me too.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Me too.

[Aaron Keefe]

Guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. We're gonna have to take your keys because you guys are talking like you're robots and you're clearly really drunk. We do not want you driving home.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Calculating probability of threesome.

[Esmeralda]

Wow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Looking unlikely.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's such a. Fuck you. I like, made you guys be robots. And I was like, honestly, you gave.

[Esmeralda]

Me an idea for the next party I attend, which is to get so drunk that I think I'm a robot.

[Aaron Keefe]

Adel, you are a tattoo artist and you've just given JPC a tattoo. It was like a six hour sitting. Jpc. You're seeing that tattoo and it is not what you wanted.

[Esmeralda]

And finish the last. All right, we are done. Let me bring out the mirror, much like a barber does when he finishes a haircut.

[Casey]

Here we go.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, let me get the angles on this.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. What am I looking at here?

[Esmeralda]

Oh, this is pretty much what you asked for.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Someone else's back.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

This is.

[Esmeralda]

This is your back.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This is my back.

[Esmeralda]

Mm. Sorry. This is a normal mirror. Not an enchanted mirror or anything. Although.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, back.

[Esmeralda]

We have stuff for sale. So this is what you asked for, I think pretty much.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This is Jafar from Aladdin, correct?

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, that's right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. And this is what you thought I asked for.

[Esmeralda]

I thought that you asked for Jafar as a Chip and Dale, sort of a Magic Mike situation. Dancing on top of a Denny's. So that's what you have here, is Jafar dancing on top of a Denny's, which I think is pretty much what you said.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Holy God. I didn't even see the Denny's part. Okay, so that's way bigger on the bottom. I'm kind of going kind of into my ass.

[Esmeralda]

Yes, and then tucking back up to your crotch. Is Iago saying, squawk moons over my hammy?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. Huh.

[Esmeralda]

So.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So could you pull up my email?

[Esmeralda]

Sure. Let me just. Dear.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

Dear Terry's tats. I would like a tattoo of my dead father to honor him and his military service. You know what? Let's just call this an oopsie. This is for free. Let's all get a good night's sleep. We'll come back tomorrow, we'll take a stab at it again. Okay. Well, can I take you for lunch?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Or should I be. I don't know, should I be sleeping or. It's also bigger than we talked about.

[Esmeralda]

I don't think so. Let me check the email.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey, look, that well's run dry. I don't mean to be, you know, kind of a dick to anyone. You're at work. Like, I get it. You have a job. It's obvious you messed up a little. My dad's military service really meant a lot to me. Is there any way you can Take what you've done, which is beautiful in its own way.

[Esmeralda]

Thank you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Looks like Jafar.

[Esmeralda]

Could you write that as a review, please?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I won't. Jafar on top of a Denny's. Is there any way that you could change this and alter this to maybe make it look somewhat like the prompt that I kind of gave you?

[Esmeralda]

What if I change Denny's to Daddy's so it's Jafar as a Chip and Dale Magic Mike situation. Dancing on top of a Daddy's now. Of course, Iago saying squawk moves over Miami won't make sense.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You keep saying Chippendale, but it's less of a Patrick Swayze and more of a Rescue ranger.

[Esmeralda]

It seems he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

[Aaron Keefe]

Solving crimes, someone messing up. And then saying, you know what is just perfect.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right, give it to us one more time. Adol. You said it's.

[Aaron Keefe]

They like things that grow on branches and not things that grow in the ground.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

In the ground.

[Esmeralda]

You are a whisper away.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm gonna kill you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron. Is Batman featured in this movie?

[Aaron Keefe]

No. What is this joke that you're doing?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm just. You said it was, you know, the greatest detectives in. Obviously, Batman is history's greatest detective. So it's just kind of interesting. I'd like to see a scene, a mission There.

[Aaron Keefe]

Adol. You are Sherlock Holmes and you are meeting Batman, played by jpc. And jpc, you're trying to really establish yourself as being on the same level as him.

[Esmeralda]

Ah. I presume you got my telegraph. You're looking well, chap. Let's see here. Rubber inlay, makeup under the eyes, gray hair on your boot, suggesting some sort of father figure or butler. You're. Bruce Wayne takes out violin.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. Batman usually doesn't do this, but in gat.

[Aaron Keefe]

Not dead.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Not dead.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Again.

[Jacob]

Again.

[Casey]

Again.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Okay, so it looks like the Joker really killed this guy. Oh, man. The Joker really killed this guy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mr. Holmes, I've returned from being a doctor and. Oh, Hello.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm Dr. John Watson.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So the Joker was just here. At fucking ears. Terrible.

[Casey]

Not dead.

[Aaron Keefe]

Not dead. Not dead.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm going to sleep. I'm going to sleep. Go to sleep.

[Esmeralda]

Ah, finally. Someone has bested my brother.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Ha, ha.

[Esmeralda]

Clap, clap, clap.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You saw that, huh?

[Jacob]

All right.

[Casey]

Not that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Why is this. It's a snack. Snap. It should be killing everyone first thing.

[Esmeralda]

Not Then.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Terrible day for Batman.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Terrible day.

[Aaron Keefe]

Jpc, you are our football coach and you're explaining a play to us that you came up with yesterday.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right, everybody, we're gonna try something. It's just practice today, okay? So, you know the game's on Sunday. We practice like it's the game. I had a dream last night. And are you guys familiar with. It's like the type of dream where like, you can kind of control what's happening.

[Aaron Keefe]

Lucid dreaming, coach.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Lucid dreaming.

[Esmeralda]

Lucid dreaming, coach.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. So I had my first. I've been trying to do it for a while. I had my first lucid dream last night and we were all. Yep, Steve, you were there. Derek. We were all on the field and I was coming up with these brilliant plays. And when I woke up, the second I woke up, I started writing them all down. I started writing them all down.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, yeah. Give it to us, Coach. What is it? What is it?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

For the first play, so it looks like the football field, but it's like not the football field. Like it's way longer, so that'll be important. So it'll be like longer. Like it'll be like a hundred miles. So we'll have to like stop as we're running downfield. We'll have to like stop and like stay at like a hotels and stuff.

[Aaron Keefe]

So it sort of sounds like this is dream logic and won't necessarily apply to the plays we need to win a game.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey, you are o line, okay? You're not the quarterback. QB1, you can speak in the huddles. O line, don't speak in the huddles.

[Aaron Keefe]

But I'm the captain, Coach.

[Esmeralda]

Thank you. QB1 here I see on page 14. Play, play 48. It says that I am to snap the ball and then hover three. Hover three inches off the ground for about 45 minutes.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's not 45 minutes or 45 seconds. So this is called the serpent on the mound. So what it is. You're gonna snap the football in half mound, Hand it to the serpent on the mound, Hand it to the people on either side of you, okay? They're gonna take those footballs, snap them in half. Now suddenly we have eight footballs on the field. My math works out there. Everybody's gonna be throwing footballs, okay?

[Esmeralda]

Little more of a wildcat situation, Coach.

[Aaron Keefe]

On page seven, this diagram says all my teeth are supposed to fall out. And then I have to take an English test again that I failed when I was in high school.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Don't worry about it. Don't you dwelling too much about the teeth in the test. The teeth fall out, but shark teeth replace them. Shark never run out of teeth. They're just always pushing, pushing, pushing, growing back, growing more teeth, growing more teeth, growing more teeth. And then the English test is on Huck Finn. So it's easy. He, you know, painted the fence or whatever.

[Esmeralda]

I'm supposed to QB1, I'm supposed to get back with Deborah, but she's a.

[Aaron Keefe]

Car now, and it says that happens in your childhood best friend's kitchen.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So this one sucks because I had just seen the movie Cars for the first time. So Lightning McQueen was gonna be in a ton of these plays, but that's okay. Okay, here's one called wow. So, Lightning McQueen. You start driving down the field, and it's long, like a hundred miles. So you'll have to stop for gas.

[Esmeralda]

Hey, Coach, we need to start the game. Sorry. Me and the other refs, we gotta start the game.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, my God. Have I been talking for a whole day? Yeah, all we were doing.

[Esmeralda]

Hey, it's me, your mom, the ref, your mom. Okay, but I'm made of gold.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What's going on with you?

[Aaron Keefe]

And we all start floating up to the ceiling Scene. It was a dream the whole time. Inception.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

A scene within a scene.

[Esmeralda]

Guys, Scotland. Beautiful time. Incredible time. One little hiccup. We rented a car. We were driving the Highlands, Isle of Skye. The most beautiful place I've seen on Earth. We hit a Shrek with our car. Cars totaled.

[Aaron Keefe]

You did the right thing. Right? You called the government, let them know you had a Shrek. Tell me you didn't hide the body and sort of try to cover it up.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Tell me you didn't take it and dump it in the equivalent of Central park and claim that a bike had hit it. Central swamp. And the bike had hit it. And tell me that you're not going to be running for president, amending a presidential campaign and settling for Secretary of.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Health and Human Services, jvc.

[Esmeralda]

Absolutely not. What I did was what any human would do, which is I sawed its head off.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, at all.

[Esmeralda]

And then me and my niece drove it down. I want to say to Cape Cod.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's always Cape Cod. It's always Cape Cod.

[Aaron Keefe]

With those on top of your car.

[Esmeralda]

On top of my car. And now we have a Shrek hanging above our fireplace.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Shrek hanging. But you, I mean, you're in Scotland. You're driving. It's the first time you've ever done it. You took the Shrek insurance, right?

[Esmeralda]

We got the Shrek insurance.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So, okay, then you're covered.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, yeah. No harm, no foul. And I do think they are overpopulated, so I think there is. I think once per year, you can, I think, hunt up to two or three Shrek.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, you're lucky.

[Aaron Keefe]

Did you check in its pouch for a baby Shrek? Do you even check. You're supposed to check for the baby Shrek if you hit one with your car. Oh, my God. That's why they're a protected species.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, no, no, no. This is their season. June is the beginning of their season. So as long as you did it in June, then I think that you don't have to file the thing about the Shrek insurance, though.

[Jacob]

Adol.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And you'll have to look at this because it's like, it doesn't. It protects, like, your car, but it doesn't, like, protect the Shrek. So, like, if they. Yeah, if the family of the Shrek finds out and they try to get reimbursement or something, you know, it's just like.

[Aaron Keefe]

And you looked around for its donkey, right?

[Esmeralda]

I did see its donkey.

[Aaron Keefe]

Cause you have to kill its donkey, too, if you kill the Shrek.

[Esmeralda]

Well, here's what happened was as I was kind of looking around of like, what should I do? What should I do? I reached down, thought I was grabbing the Shrek's body, accidentally touched the donkey. And once you touch a donkey, the mother wants nothing to do with it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

So I did have to kill it. Aaron, you said check in its pouch. Is that a trick to try and get me to put my hand down Shrek's pants?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, as if you're not looking for any excuse. Okay, yeah. I gotta trick you to do that. I gotta dare you to do that.

[Esmeralda]

I see a dead Shrek and I'm like. I'm like, where's his identification? Reach down the front of his pants. And I'm like, I'm looking for a wallet. What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You have to be careful if you kill a Shrek. Cause you have to check for its donkey. I did the same thing, but where was I? Oh, man. I don't even remember where I was. But I was driving and I hit a Mulan and I had to check for its little dragon.

[Esmeralda]

Fort Smushu.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Fort Smushu. That's right.

[Jacob]

Thank you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Started the bit without knowing its name. I love the idea of somebody going like, I can't handle this bit anymore. Fast forwarding eight minutes and we're still doing it.

[Esmeralda]

I do want to see a scene. Aaron, what's the school bus that shrinks down?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Magic school bus.

[Aaron Keefe]

Magic school bus.

[Esmeralda]

Magic school bus. Aaron, you're like the woman who does magic school Bus, but you have like a van.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ms. Frizzle. Okay, got it.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, you're like a Ms. Frizzle, but you have a van and it's sort of a two bit operation. But you are taking your class played by JPC and I inside a air conditioner to show them how it works.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, he didn't know the name of the magic school bus or Ms. Frizzle's. A real Mushu Milan situation going on over here.

[Esmeralda]

I mean, to me it's just a ripoff of inner space, which I grew up with.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, kids, I know I've gotten two strikes ever since I took you inside a human body without getting permission slips from your family.

[Esmeralda]

That man exploded when we resized.

[Aaron Keefe]

We all remember, Thomas. We all remember. Look at me. We all remember.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, okay, okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. We still have to do the court mandated therapy to try to process what we saw.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mrs. Rumple is gonna shrink us down once again and we're gonna learn how the inside of an air conditioner works. Right before the summer.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

The judge took your shrink ray away. The judge said you couldn't use it anymore.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, he said you're a witch.

[Aaron Keefe]

You guys are being very funny today. No one's raising their hands, though. This is still school. The judge has their address publicly online and doesn't really lock their second story windows.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, you sent the judge a pizza. You sent the judge a pizza with a note that said the judge took the Schweckery home.

[Aaron Keefe]

Uh, yeah.

[Casey]

Why?

[Aaron Keefe]

If you got access to a shrink ray, you'll sort of fold for anything. Anyways, kids, we're gonna shrink ourselves down. We're gonna go inside of an air conditioning inside the judge's house, and then we're going to resize and the house will hopefully explode.

[Esmeralda]

Mrs. Frumple. Mrs. Frumple. You're just sort of driving into the front door of this house and then backing up and driving into.

[Aaron Keefe]

You think you could have a normal day with Ms. Frumple? No way. Scooting out down Main street and I'll go to a bar with these children. What? What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You let go from the school?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, Mikey. Semantic. Semantic semantics. I'll uppercut you in the nose if you speak again.

[Esmeralda]

She'll do it. She'll do it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Here we go. Beep beep. Have a good time scene.

[Esmeralda]

I do want to see a scene. The two of you are sort of old timey street urchins. Like, shine your shoes, guvna. And no one these days is stopping for shoe shine. So you're trying to change up Your tactics.

[Aaron Keefe]

Penny for your shoeshine. Shine your little shoes. Give you an ankle rub as well. Rub your ankles.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh. Oh. No one's. No one's doing that. No one's doing shoe shines or anchor rubs anymore. And no one's gonna. No one's. No one even wants the sex stuff anymore. Or maybe they eyeball that we're not good at it. We have to. We have to think of something, you know, more original that people could. That people, like, want.

[Aaron Keefe]

They don't want the sex stuff either. End jobs. Two for a penny.

[Jacob]

First.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

First of all, no one wants two.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hand jobs, right in a row. No back to back handjobs. Two for a penny. No one wants little hand jobs for two pennies. Small little hand jobs back to back.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Why you, sir. You sir, let. You want to see how far I can throw your phone? Something pulls me back across this place. I left some distant force familiar to me and yet unknown. I will not be here for long.

[Esmeralda]

Is this like bird migration? Is this like capistratus or whatever? Is this like bird migration? Magnets. Don't. Magnets pull on birds and they like. Birds aren't flapping their wings, they just get pulled.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, you were one of those kids that pulled birds with magnets?

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You're out in the yard with your magnifying glass and you're magic magnet on a stick.

[Aaron Keefe]

Put it in the sky, catch some birds.

[Esmeralda]

Dude, I cut up Coke cans. I wait for a seagull to eat them. Then I use my magnet and I fly a bird like a kite.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I want to see a scene. Okay, Adeline and you two are siblings. It's like summer vacation. You have like so much time on your hands and Adol, you're the younger brother and you've just put a magnet on a stick and you're trying to pull birds out of the sky and. Aaron, you think that this will never work. Come on, come on, come on.

[Aaron Keefe]

I just woke up. Have you heard the ice cream truck go by today? What are you doing?

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, it's been. It's been going for a while.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's.

[Aaron Keefe]

Wait, the ice cream truck's been going for a while?

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, he pulled into the cul de sac and he's just sitting there. Then he started circling around. These were his only customers. I think unless we come out, he doesn't know what to do.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Come on, come on.

[Aaron Keefe]

What are you doing?

[Esmeralda]

What am I doing? Use your eyes. I'm trying to magnetize birds.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, that's insane. We go to the same school. You Know better. You're older than me.

[Esmeralda]

Wow. That's fine. We go to the same school. Is not the argument you think it is.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm just saying the quality of teachers at the same school is such a swing. If you think that's gonna do anything.

[Esmeralda]

Would you ever notice how after I have a teacher, they suddenly retire?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Come on. Come on.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. That is weird.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, well, if you want to kill birds, there's an easier way.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Esmeralda]

I never said kill birds.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh.

[Esmeralda]

I mean, I'm gonna, right?

[Aaron Keefe]

Sure.

[Esmeralda]

But I didn't say that because you know how mom and dad are always checking my room for, you know, like, pissing the bed or Obsession with fire? Like.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Esmeralda]

Harming animals.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm gonna go get some ice cream from the guy. Do you want your. Do you want something? Something with gumballs?

[Esmeralda]

No, I'm good. She shoves a little knife into your shoulder.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ah. Yep. Murder a brother. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I was a famous captain at another time. Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line. This is fun. This is a silly one.

[Esmeralda]

Is this like a fishing setup?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, you're close. You're close. I would say it's kind of like a fishing setup.

[Aaron Keefe]

Worm.

[Esmeralda]

Captain Worm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Captain Worm.

[Aaron Keefe]

Captain Worm. Worm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

One of the most famous pirates. All right, I do want to see a scene. Adel. You gotta be Adel. You've played Captain Worm. You're playing Captain Worm. And Aaron and I are your, like two. Two of the pirates on your ship. Your. Your famous pirate ship.

[Esmeralda]

Attention. All right, line up. Line up here. You mucky muck. You creepy fucks. You mucky mucks. Tis I, Captain Worm. Hold for applause. That's right.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Naru. Captain, we can't be applauded because most of us have hooks.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, that was a test. You passed.

[Aaron Keefe]

Captain, I. I'm new to the ship. Yar and fresh meat. All I see is sort of a big captain's hat that I assume is maybe a small. Small worm is underneath it. You're sounding a little muffled, sir, is what I'm trying to get at.

[Esmeralda]

Yar, you assume there's a small worm under the hat. You never thought that it could be medium sized or medium large?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yar, the biggest worm, sir, I'm sure. But still, to fit under the hat.

[Esmeralda]

Yar, that's what part of this ship is about, is. Trust me, laddie, if you trust it, there is a worm under the hat that is magical. And who is bringing us all to heaven then only Then can we accomplish our mission?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yar? Yar and I trust. I've been on the ship many years, and I trust the worm implicitly. Captain. What's on the agenda today?

[Esmeralda]

On the agenda today from me, the magical worm that lives under the captain's hat that you should never see. Never lift up the hat to see who's taking us to all to heaven.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, we see the heaven if we see the worm.

[Esmeralda]

Okay. Okay, I assume we swabbed the decks. Okay, I assume we swapped the deck. Second up on the list today. Bring me your wives so I can fuck em. What?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, sir, our. Yeah, you're on the deck, Yar. So I thought perhaps you could tell if we had swabbed it or not. What did you say about our wives, sir?

[Esmeralda]

I said, bring me ye wives so I can meet them.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Not really a big wife industry, Yar. I mean. I mean, I know I don't have a wife. New guy, do you have a wife or.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yar, I. Sorry to keep. Yeah, no wife. Keep digging at this, but I have to ask five pirates to join us, and if they don't join, then I don't get paid. Yar.

[Esmeralda]

Yar, that's the way the pirate system works if you want to get to heaven. Hey, listen, if you don't want to get to heaven, we can turn this boat, right, and go back to Lisbon and all go on our merry way.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I want to get to heaven. That's why I brought this pirate aboard. You know, the crew. I'm. I'm fulfilling my quotar.

[Esmeralda]

Hey, real quick. Sometimes I'm hearing gnars, sometimes I'm hearing yars under this hat as a magical worm. These sound very similar. Can we switch to like, yes and no? Cause Yar and Nar are just so close.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Y. Yeah, Yar.

[Aaron Keefe]

Captain Worm, I can't do it. True, Lettow. We have a volley ball tournament on the ship this week.

[Esmeralda]

Yars. Yars, it is true. And there's a grand prize. A grand prize for whatever team brings the beach to its feet.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

ARR. I hope it's getting to go to heaven. That's really the only reason I do all of this.

[Aaron Keefe]

I want to lift up the hat and I want to see the worm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, we must never. If you lift up the hat and you see the worm, you're not going to heaven. That's what the worm told the grand.

[Esmeralda]

Prize is you give me all your earthly possessions and I shall tend to them and you shall live a life of piety before you enter heaven through the gates. That Only a magical worm under a captain's hat can provide. Never lift up the hat.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is this a cult?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, of course it's a cult.

[Esmeralda]

No, Dar.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, Dar. It's the magic worm. Captain Worm with the hat.

[Aaron Keefe]

A cult leader. I'm dead.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But do you guys have a guess.

[Jacob]

For what the answer could be?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. Balloon.

[Esmeralda]

Oh. Can you read the riddle one more time?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I can.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But you're so close. I was a famous captain at another time. Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's den.

[Esmeralda]

Hook. It's Captain Hook. Oh, duh.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, Casey, can you hop on the mic really quick? Uh oh.

[Esmeralda]

Casey's in trouble. Uh oh.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can you read what you just sent to our chat on the side, please?

[Esmeralda]

I said I got this one instantly.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Um.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, do you want to chastise me for.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, I just. I wanted you to hear it from me directly. That. That hurt my feelings.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, I thought as well, I thought, as my friend, you'd be happy for me that I got one of these riddles ever.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, Casey, that's not what we're doing here. Because you. Your role is the audience surrogate. So as the audience surrogate, I kindly invite you to shut the fuck up.

[Jacob]

Whoa.

[Aaron Keefe]

Adol, you are going to hr, which is jpc. And you're complaining about being bullied at work by an onion who's making you cry?

[Esmeralda]

Hey. Sorry, Todd. We had a 3pm oh, yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Come on in.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What's up, penis breath? Sorry. I just saw ET Last night for the first time.

[Casey]

Oh.

[Esmeralda]

Do they say penis breath in that?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, my God.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Don't they?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, no. I could get in huge trouble.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're both Timon and Pumbaa. You can decide who is who.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

And one of you is gonna reveal to the other that you have some, like, maybe unusual kinks that the other didn't know about.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, I feel so dirty. I was wallowing in the mud. I feel so. So I should. I should probably wash this off, right?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I mean, wash it off if you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Want to wash it off.

[Esmeralda]

I mean, if it's just between you and me. If we're just in the watering hole.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Nathan Lane. Nathan Lane.

[Esmeralda]

I actually don't. Other guy. The guy who played Pumbaa.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, you'll never pull it.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You could have pulled Lane, you could.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Have pulled Lane, but you'll never pull Pumbaa.

[Esmeralda]

That's probably the same guy who played Gimli, right?

[Aaron Keefe]

Probably seen as a math John.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Rees Davis.

[Esmeralda]

But I think actually I might just leave the mud on because it makes me feel sexy.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Pumbaa, if you want to leave the.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Mud on because it makes you feel.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Sexy, you should leave the mud on.

[Esmeralda]

Okay?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But if you feel like you need to take the mud off and you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Want to put it in this little.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Cup and then not care what happens.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

To the little cup.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Even if someone's.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Very thirsty, you don't ask what happens to the little cup.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You can do that as well.

[Esmeralda]

Writes on a piece of paper.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

What the fuck?

[Esmeralda]

Writes on a piece of paper. Come on my titties. Shows it to Aaron. Waits for her reaction. Puts a question mark. Aaron, is that okay? If I sing that?

[Aaron Keefe]

I slide back a piece of paper. It says $10 million.

[Esmeralda]

I look at it, I nod. Won't do the song. Won't sing. Come on my titties Grabs the p Paper.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Come on my titties what a wonderful phrase. I can say seed.

[Aaron Keefe]

Keep going. I come on my titties what a.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Wonderful phrase Seeing that, what a wonderful.

[Aaron Keefe]

Phrase Ain't no passing craze. It means I'm horny.

[Esmeralda]

Tim Rice is rolling over in his bed.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It means I'm horny in a very specific way.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's our problem free philosophy.

[Esmeralda]

Come on.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You gotta change word words.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, I don't.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You do. You need to.

[Aaron Keefe]

Come on. I don't have to change any words. I think it works just fine. Don't start to come on my titties and get mad when I start having fun.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You come on my titties.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, if we write the lion come.

[Aaron Keefe]

Period, they'll fall in love. And here's the bottom line. They're coming on their titties. Huh?

[Esmeralda]

I'm gonna come. Not yet.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Sitting down to write the lion come. And then being like, okay, so they're kids for the first 40 minutes of this thing.

[Esmeralda]

I'm gonna bust a mighty load.

[Aaron Keefe]

This is bad. This is bad.

[Esmeralda]

Well, I never seen cock balls with quite so little hair. Aaron, is this good?

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi. Hi, you guys. I keep.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Keep a towel by the side of the bed. Be prepared.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, we just got nominated for Tony. Aaron, we got nominated for Tony A Casey.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Tony.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Which is worth nothing. Casey.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Tony's nominating us for mini Casey.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Tony.

[Esmeralda]

Arabian Nuts.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, wait.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Cum laudin.

[Esmeralda]

Cum laudin Arabian Nuts.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I just came. I'm gonna come.

[Esmeralda]

You ain't never gonna come on me.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Commercial, commercial, Commercial break. We gotta go on.

[Aaron Keefe]

Excuse me.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, hi.

[Aaron Keefe]

Down here.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, hello.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi. I'm. I'm a little acorn. And I'm very passionate about teaching children how to save money.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, that's so beautiful. What a great idea.

[Aaron Keefe]

Let me just sort of come up here. Hear me, hear me.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And I just want to apologize for eating so many of your people.

[Aaron Keefe]

Huh?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Huh?

[Aaron Keefe]

Acorns early is the money app and debit card that makes it easy to grow kids smart money habits. It lets kids learn by doing. They can earn money with the in app chores tracker, practice real life budgeting with automatic allowances and even set their own saving goals.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, that's so wonderful. And it's not just a card, right? It's their card with 35 plus customizable designs to choose from. Plus kids will feel the impact of their spending choices sparking independence and confidence with every swipe.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And parents get peace of mind. Kids securely manage their own money while you set the limits. Send money in seconds, get notifications and step in if the card is ever lost. As a parent of a young child, I think that this is such a great app because it teaches kids early the important lessons of owning, managing and using money, which is a skill that they are going to need for their entire lives and they better get used to it the sooner rather than later.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, this is something that I wish I had growing up. This feels like a service that I would have benefited from greatly.

[Aaron Keefe]

What were you saying about what you were eating? We were saying something before.

[Esmeralda]

Ready to join over 1.2 million parents and kids who've unlocked their kids potential with Acorns early. Get your first month on us when you head to acornserly.com heyriddle or download the Acorns Early App. That's one month free when you sign up at acornserly.com heYRiddle say it and.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You better get out of here before the squirrels come.

[Aaron Keefe]

Say it.

[Esmeralda]

Acorns early card is issued by NBKC bank member FDIC pursuant to license by Visa usa. Free trial for new subscribers only subscription fee starting for $5 per month unless canceled terms apply.

[Aaron Keefe]

Acorns.com earlyterms adult GPC guess what I.

[Esmeralda]

Just learned about fries.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Washing your hands?

[Aaron Keefe]

No and no. Protein. You like, need a lot of it. You need like you have to eat it every day and you need it to live. It's like a building block of energy and being healthy. Did you know?

[Esmeralda]

Oh, Aaron, sweetie. Yes.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, okay.

[Esmeralda]

Of course we know about protein. Are you kidding?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, Aaron, I know about goatine or whatever.

[Aaron Keefe]

You said protein.

[Jacob]

Protein.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes. Yeah, I'm pro goats too.

[Aaron Keefe]

Huh?

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, Protein is part of my routine with Huel. Have you heard of this? H U E L Huel.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yum.

[Esmeralda]

That's right, Yum. I've been using the Huel ready to drink all year, Aaron, and I'm leaning on it hard right now. It's a complete meal in a bottle. 35 grams of protein, important, 7 grams.

[Aaron Keefe]

Of fiber, also important.

[Esmeralda]

And 27 vitamins and minerals.

[Aaron Keefe]

Turns out, super important.

[Esmeralda]

Yes. Literally ready to go. No prep, no mess. And it keeps me full when the alternative is like grabbing a holiday snack in the closet or something.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, my gosh. I'm now just putting together that Graham's is not short for graham crackers. I've been eating what I thought was 35 graham crackers of protein every day.

[Esmeralda]

Ah, geez, Lord.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But with Huel, it's so much better because they have a new chocolate peanut butter flavor that is honestly so good. I really enjoy it. And I like Huel because I wake up, I want to say, two to three hours before anyone else in my house, and it's nice to have a quick breakfast that doesn't make any noise so I don't have to worry about waking anyone else up, and then I can get a quick workout in. It's a win win with Huel.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, Aaron, Huel is great.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And I've also been loving Huel's new canned super greens drink, too. It's got 42 vitamins and nutrients, 4 grams of fiber, not graham crackers. 25 calories and no added sugar in December, especially when my vegetable intake is a little bit lower than usual at the holidays. I'm solving that this year. It's sparkling. It actually tastes good. There are three flavors to choose from. Apple, peach, and blueberry. Blueberry is my favorite.

[Esmeralda]

Apple's my favorite.

[Aaron Keefe]

Get 15% off your first [e-mail] with code RIDDLE. That's code RIDDLE. Minimum $75 purchase. Thank you Hu. And thank you, protein. And that's in the Huel. I literally had no idea.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And thank you, graham crackers. You're welcome. Gpg.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, no. Wash your hands, everyone. Wash your hands, everyone.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Wash your hands.

[Beck Bennett]

Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Kyle Mooney]

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett]

No, no, no, no.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Kyle Mooney.

[Beck Bennett]

Yeah, sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah.

[Beck Bennett]

And we host the show what's our podcast here on Headgum.

[Kyle Mooney]

But we want to make sure you heard about a very special episode with a very special guest that we just released. In the feed.

[Beck Bennett]

Yeah, it's in the feed. It was sponsored by Squarespace because they were appalled that we didn't have a website for our show yet.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They were like, you don't have a website?

[Kyle Mooney]

What are you guys, kindergarteners?

[Beck Bennett]

They wanted to do something about that. So we built a flawless, beautiful, perfectly designed website live on the pod with our very special guest and very web savvy guest. Should we tell them who it was?

[Aaron Keefe]

Let's.

[Kyle Mooney]

We could buy 20 questions.

[Beck Bennett]

I don't think we have time for that.

[Kyle Mooney]

Is it Person?

[Beck Bennett]

No, it's not.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's Finn Wolfhard.

[Kyle Mooney]

But Finn had a bunch of great ideas for the website. Beck, you had some amazing ideas for the website.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thanks, Finn.

[Beck Bennett]

You had some amazing ideas.

[Kyle Mooney]

Well, I was sort of driving the thing. I was sort of like clicking and.

[Beck Bennett]

And I was like, let's put a little. Let's put some widgets in there. I was talking about widgets.

[Kyle Mooney]

You kept on using that phrase, widgets.

[Beck Bennett]

Yeah, there's all sorts of stuff there. And you might want to check out the hippo. Just go check out the website.

[Kyle Mooney]

Know that there's a hippo video and. And know that you're gonna wanna watch that. We had a lot of fun making this episode. We had a lot of fun making this website. I think you're gonna have a fun time listening to it and maybe watching it. Think of it as our. A little Christmas present to you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Beck Bennett]

This is a gift for you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay.

[Beck Bennett]

It's just like. It's a selfless thing we did for you.

[Kyle Mooney]

Thanks to Squarespace for making us build a website sponsoring the episode. And for supporting creators across the headgum network.

[Beck Bennett]

Go check out the bonus episode. What's our website from? What's our podcast on YouTube or wherever.

[Kyle Mooney]

You listen to podcasts, go to squarespace.com beckandkyle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code beckandkile.

[Esmeralda]

Yes, sir.

[Kyle Mooney]

To save 10% off your first purchase.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Of a website auto domain. Get it, Kyle? It's funny. I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was. But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness. Which means Cornbread Hemp's CBD gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan. It's so funny. I have no idea why it gets to be this time of year. And I'm thinking about how I'm not as young as I once was.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, same girl.

[Aaron Keefe]

Same.

[Esmeralda]

But also jpc, your birthday's in December.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, that makes sense.

[Esmeralda]

Well, jpc, someone left something under the tree called Cornbread Hemp CBD gummies. Have you heard of these? You seen these?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Uh huh. Yes, I have.

[Esmeralda]

They're made to help you feel better, whether it's stress, discomfort, the encroaching clock.

[Aaron Keefe]

Of aging, or relaxation.

[Esmeralda]

Relaxation. I use cornbread, hemp, CBD, and gpc. Let me just say, toss one in my mouth, I chew it, I swallow it, and suddenly I'm at peace. And I'm old as hell.

[Aaron Keefe]

All products are third party lab tested in USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. So you can relax. Relax.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, you guys might be onto something with these Cornbread MCBD gummies.

[Esmeralda]

John Travolta.

[Aaron Keefe]

John Travolta, CBD. That's awesome.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And right now. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Listeners can save 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com Riddle and use code RIDDLE at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com RIDDLE and use code riddle. Ah.

[Esmeralda]

Age is nothing but a number. A number of years I've been on Earth.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

[Esmeralda]

I feel okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I feel okay. One, two, three, four. Hey, Riddle.

[Jacob]

Riddles.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Clue Crew, let's do the big breakfast. All right. My children have gathered us all here again for our annual big breakfast, where I will be, of course, redrafting my will based on everyone's performance at the breakfast. As we all know, last year Esmeralda had a banner year at the big breakfast. She is currently in line to inherit my entire empire.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, raspberries, Papa.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But I'll hopefully this year pass the raspberries. Esmeralda, raspberries.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're not supposed to.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They're so much closer to you. Okay, Esmeralda. Not passing them.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, I am. I'm passing them.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, not fast enough. Not passing the raspberries. Okay, so there's two. You whore minus two houses.

[Aaron Keefe]

Saboteur.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Whore minus three houses.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sorry, Father.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Language.

[Esmeralda]

All right, to go from whore to saboteur.

[Aaron Keefe]

I meant to say saboteur. And I sator.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, rhyming and showing of the language. You now cunt.

[Esmeralda]

You goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, cunt. Quick rewriting, Lambert.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Language, Lambert.

[Esmeralda]

You cunt. You goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, Lambert, you now get no paintings.

[Esmeralda]

No, Papa, please.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Paintings are off the table for you.

[Aaron Keefe]

I do want the paintings, please.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, Papa, the countryside. The countryside paintings.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

The countryside paintings are off the table for you, Lambert.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, Papa, what about the still fruit?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Let's have our first course. I'm taking the. Taking the platter off of the first course. What do we have here? What is this?

[Esmeralda]

Hmm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Looks like some sort of testing everyone's delicate palette.

[Aaron Keefe]

A single slice of Bacon, Father.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, it looks like single slice. Excellent, Esmeralda.

[Esmeralda]

Seems to be glazed with maybe it's like a maple glaze.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, like a Canadian maple glazed slice of bacon.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Canadian. Interesting. Is that your final answer, Esmeralda? Canadian bacon?

[Aaron Keefe]

No, sir. No, sir.

[Esmeralda]

Okay, I think it's just regular bacon. No Canadian.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Blech.

[Esmeralda]

Blech.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Correct. We in this family hate the Canadians.

[Esmeralda]

Teehee. Tehoo.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And all of the oils, you goof. All of the oil fields will now go to Lambert. Congratulations, Lambert. You are now going to possess all of the oil.

[Esmeralda]

You pinches us, Merle cunt.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You goof.

[Aaron Keefe]

Let me just stabs you.

[Jacob]

Hold on.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Whoa.

[Esmeralda]

You cunt, you goof.

[Aaron Keefe]

Cunt, you goof, you cunt, you goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Can we get through one big breakfast without saying the CG word, Father, the pressure's too much.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's like a pressure cooker in here.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, pressure cooker onto the second course. Very good. Aye. Esmeralda, what do we have in the pressure cooker?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Oh, it looks like it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Don't open it.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Ah, well, that's ruined.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ah, see, I knew not to, Father.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, all of my mini birds go to Esmeralda.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you, Mom.

[Esmeralda]

What about the lark, Papa? The lark?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Lark's a fucking bird, Lambert. Lambert.

[Esmeralda]

But I'm saying I want the lark.

[Aaron Keefe]

You cunt, you goof.

[Esmeralda]

You cunt, you goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey, now you can have the Bjork Skylark.

[Jacob]

I'll give you that.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's an 83 Skylark.

[Esmeralda]

The longest corn, Father.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's what I want. I want all your wood grain.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All wood grain, Father, please.

[Esmeralda]

Agalon car, Father.

[Aaron Keefe]

You don't like singing. Take a point away.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't like singing, but I love parody songs.

[Esmeralda]

Yes, it was me. Weird aling Tracy Chapman.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't like that. That's his intellectual property. Weird aling Tracy Chapman.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Huh?

[Aaron Keefe]

Nothing, you goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Weird Al owns Tracy Chapman's intellectual property.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, I see.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, I see. And we're drinking hi C. Very good, Esmeralda.

[Aaron Keefe]

Not orange juice. I can smell the difference.

[Esmeralda]

Well, there's also I cunt, I goof.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you cunt me, do I not goof? Sorry, that was uncharacteristic of me, father.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, is something. You have to take yourself out of your will. Fair is fair.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, okay. So when I die, I won't go to heaven. That seems fair.

[Esmeralda]

That seems appropriate.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Was never going to heaven because the way I made my empire was question one. Not nice, as we'll say.

[Esmeralda]

You built Your factory on top of graves.

[Aaron Keefe]

Orphans. Graves.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Orphans. Graves.

[Esmeralda]

Some of them were still alive. Some of the family was visiting.

[Aaron Keefe]

They were just orphaned.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But then you moved family.

[Esmeralda]

Yes. They were like, oh, we finally found our long lost.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, got it.

[Esmeralda]

Son or daughter.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So, yeah, for sure these were lost orphans. Yeah. Look, do I have more ticks in the cunty column than the goofy column? Yes, I do.

[Esmeralda]

Don't you Goof?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right, final course for the big breakfast. This one father.

[Aaron Keefe]

I already know. Big old stack of pancakes.

[Esmeralda]

She peeked.

[Aaron Keefe]

With maple syrup. No, I just know our father better than anyone.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Big old stack of pancakes with maple syrup. Lambert.

[Aaron Keefe]

I should be the one. Hold on. Empire.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Esmeralda. Lambert, what do you think is under this for the big breakfast?

[Esmeralda]

Yes, Papa, I will take my guess. But I just remembered earlier when I said that the bacon might be glazed with maple. I remembered that maple syrup is primarily Canadian, so. You would never serve pancakes with maple syrup. It's probably pancakes with what's.

[Aaron Keefe]

You cunt, you goof, you cunt.

[Esmeralda]

You goof. Cunt, you goof. I'm in the middle of the answer.

[Aaron Keefe]

You cunt, you goof out. You cunt, you goof.

[Esmeralda]

You cunt. You goof. You cunt. You goof. You cunt, you goof.

[Aaron Keefe]

You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof. You cunt, you goof, you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's those little Burger King mini hash brows. Oh, they're my favorite.

[Aaron Keefe]

Another one bites the dust.

[Esmeralda]

Another one cunts the goof.

[Aaron Keefe]

And another one cunts. And another one.

[Casey]

Another one.

[Aaron Keefe]

Another one cunts the goof.

[Casey]

No, Pa. Pa.

[Aaron Keefe]

Another one cuts the goof. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. This is Katie. How can I help you?

[Jacob]

Hey, Katie. Hi, this is Jacob again from 1265 Elm.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, Jacob.

[Jacob]

Yeah, kind of same complaint. It happened again. Went to take my. Went to take my trash out today, and it was. Same story. Couple of goons stuffed into the trash bin.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. Yeah. You said you're an Elm.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Yep, yep.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're all up and down that block today. You are in good company.

[Jacob]

Jacob, could we maybe. Could we maybe just put out. Is there a way for the commissioner just to, like, mention to him just like, maybe put. Put goons on the corner, like, tie him up on the corner. Why do the goons have to be stuffed into the trash cans and.

[Aaron Keefe]

But, Jacob, it is Friday and it's trash day in your neighborhood, so this is sort of going to sort itself out, right?

[Jacob]

Well, no. I got an earful from the garbageman the last time this happened on a Friday because apparently they can pack the trash in the truck.

[Aaron Keefe]

Right?

[Jacob]

And that could seriously hurt the goons. Yeah, And I don't think that's his intent, because I don't think. Why would he keep them alive just to have them crushed to death by a trash truck?

[Aaron Keefe]

Right, right. But, I mean, we lose goons every day here in Gotham.

[Jacob]

You know, I don't want to be heartless, but these goons made their choice. I understand that. I just. I just don't want them in my trash can. And he. And I talked to. You know, I talked to him one time because I was taking up my trash at night, and he had put one goon in. He was putting. Loading a second goon into the trash. And I said, hey, man, what are you doing? And he said, and I'll never forget this. I'm taking out this city's trash.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know.

[Jacob]

Yeah. And I said. I said, come on.

[Casey]

Really?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

And he was gone.

[Aaron Keefe]

You were just trying to live your life, and you're just trying to take out the trash. Can I be honest with you, Jacob?

[Jacob]

Mm.

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't think that this is gonna be solved today or anytime soon. I mean, literally. Commissioner Gordon is being hung from his balcony office by Harley Quinn, and he's screaming, so. He's got a lot on his plate today.

[Jacob]

He's got a lot today?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. There's a lot. Okay, well, here's the thing.

[Jacob]

I'll do. I'll do what I did last time.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm looking through the office doors, and I see him being hung off the balcony.

[Jacob]

Hung off the balcony. Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jacob]

I'll take the goons in. I'll clean them up. I'll give them some soup, and I'll tell. And I'll just ask them maybe to like to not. To not goon by my home.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, maybe try asking to not goon by your home. That's really. Jenna. You know what? But I will make a note. And it is in the system. The complaint is.

[Jacob]

Yeah. As long as the complaint is yet logged in. Okay. Use Katie.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. Katie.

[Jacob]

Katie. Okay. Katie M or Katie S. Ah, good.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, I could. I could have thrown kds under the bus, but I won't. Today. It's Katie.

[Jacob]

You sound this. You sound so similar on this one.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

A lot.

[Aaron Keefe]

Isn't that so crazy? And we're totally different heights, so it's, like, so crazy.

[Jacob]

Oh, I never know. Anyway, I'll talk to you later.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, thanks.

[Jacob]

I probably will talk to you later.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know. Okay.

[Jacob]

I'll probably Be calling you tomorrow. Yeah.

[Casey]

Have a good night.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm so sorry. I really am.

[Jacob]

It's not your fault. Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

Have a good one, Jacob.

[Jacob]

Bye.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office.

[Casey]

Hey, this is Trent. I'm the shift manager over at Bennigan's. The. The penguin just ate here with his penguins, I guess they're called. And they defecated all over the floor.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, one second. Give me one second.

[Casey]

Great.

[Esmeralda]

Now I'm being put on hold.

[Jacob]

Are you kidding me?

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

What? Should I start cleaning, or is it evidence?

[Casey]

No, leave it.

[Esmeralda]

Leave it.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling, Commissioner. Oh, I already did.

[Casey]

Hey, still Trent.

[Aaron Keefe]

Still Trent. Hi, Trent. Sort of updated with calls today. I mean, every day, really. You were at Bennegan's and I work at Bennett 2. Face came in and. What did you say?

[Casey]

The penguin came in with his brood or. I don't know if they're his children or his pets or whatever.

[Aaron Keefe]

I can't say brood.

[Casey]

I can't say brood.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's fine. That's fine. I understand what you're trying to say.

[Casey]

She killed my parents, and I can't say brood.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. Sir. I mean, we owe a little bit of decorum to each other. Okay, so the penguin came in and did he not pay? Did he dine and dash? What's your issue?

[Casey]

He actually.

[Jacob]

Hey, are you guys closed?

[Casey]

Look around.

[Jacob]

What do you think?

[Esmeralda]

What do you think, dude?

[Jacob]

What do you think? We're open. Look around.

[Esmeralda]

Sorry, we had somebody coming.

[Casey]

No, penguin paid. Actually tipped very generously. But his penguins, they defecated on the floor. It gets confusing. Because he's the penguin, but he has penguins, so that's where it gets confusing.

[Aaron Keefe]

Did he defecate on the floor?

[Casey]

I don't think so.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[Jacob]

I don't think so. You don't think so? What is this?

[Casey]

If this is.

[Jacob]

This is from a regular penguin.

[Casey]

Okay, Kyle? Actually, Kyle did find that we have some bigger.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sir, I'm not really sure. I want to know if you can confirm and then give us a call back. Because if it's just, like, we don't really deal with, like, animals messing up restaurants. Like, we're sort of. We have bigger fish to fry. Commissioner Gordon again. Oh, she dropped him. Okay, so he really is out of office today.

[Casey]

Who dropped who?

[Aaron Keefe]

Harley Quinn dropped Commissioner Gordon. It's fine. I feel like. Clean up the mess. Give us a call back if once you're sure. Sure. Okay.

[Casey]

Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, this is Katie. Thank you for calling Commissioner Gordon's office. How can I help you?

[Jacob]

Hey, Katie, this is Rick from the Ampco.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, Rick. How are you? How can I help you today?

[Jacob]

Not great.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Mr.

[Jacob]

Freeze was here again today.

[Aaron Keefe]

What happened?

[Jacob]

Freezed all the gas. Even got the stuff underground.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay. Freezed all the gas.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Are you looking up on your sheet?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, I'm looking.

[Jacob]

It's C19. Yeah, C19. The code is C19. I know that from calling in so many times. Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay. Okay. Well, could we get. Is there anyone who can melt stuff? Do we have.

[Jacob]

No, Katie can't do that, remember? Because it's gas.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh. Cause it's gas. I'm sorry.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

My brain has mashed potatoes together.

[Jacob]

It's tight. It's totally fine. I. I've made this call a lot of times.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, sorry, I'm working through lunch today, so my blood sugar's low. Okay.

[Jacob]

No. Oh, God. So sorry about that. Yeah, no, it's. So what they'll have to do is chisel out all the gas and then move it and let it thaw.

[Aaron Keefe]

Chisel out the gas, move it, thaw. Ooh. Is three weeks from today. Okay. Tuesday the 18th.

[Jacob]

No, no, this is. Oh, Katie. No, this is serious. Cause this gas could explode.

[Aaron Keefe]

And. I know, but I'm looking. I'm on the C19 file, and it looks like. I mean, they are stretched really thin.

[Jacob]

But they caught Mr. Freeze.

[Aaron Keefe]

They did.

[Jacob]

But, you know, he did not break out again.

[Aaron Keefe]

I mean, there was that big breakout about three months back that he got.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Out on that one.

[Jacob]

That's when he got out. I saw that.

[Aaron Keefe]

So.

[Jacob]

I saw that. I was. God, I was hoping it wasn't Mr.

[Casey]

Freeze.

[Aaron Keefe]

They're really backed up, but they can get there by Tuesday the 18th, and it looks like 8am so not even. At any time.

[Jacob]

There's a shell across the street, and Mr. Freese never hits the shell. And I gotta know, like. And I don't. Look, I don't. I'm not. This is not a situation where I'm trying to bribe anyone. But is there an arrangement that the shell has with the commissioner or Mr. Freeze?

[Aaron Keefe]

We have a saying here in Gotham, and it's. Do not take anything personally. When your building explodes, when you get punched in the stomach on the street. It wasn't about you, okay?

[Jacob]

It just feels personal, you know? It just feels personal because he keeps freezing our gas.

[Aaron Keefe]

We have to ask this hypothetically. What dollar amount are you willing to spend to keep yourself protected?

[Jacob]

Okay, this is. I thought. I thought this was. What's gonna. What was.

[Aaron Keefe]

Just be cool about this. Just be cool about that. Just answer the question.

[Jacob]

I gotta ask now. Is this just for Mr. Freeze? No, this is for. As a blanket.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, no, this is outside.

[Jacob]

I knew this existed.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, this is just for Mr. Freeze. Unless you want to pay more. We do three package deals. You could get protection from three different.

[Jacob]

Then it's got to be a no for me. Because if it's not. If it's not Freeze.

[Aaron Keefe]

Then don't ask. Then don't ask.

[Jacob]

Well, I thought it could be like a blanket thing or.

[Aaron Keefe]

No.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

But if anyone asks, this doesn't exist.

[Jacob]

You said next Tuesday.

[Aaron Keefe]

No. Three weeks from today.

[Jacob]

Three weeks from today.

[Aaron Keefe]

But if you want to send us some money, we could get it done by Friday.

[Jacob]

I just don't have it if I can't get the gas. That's the problem. It's like I gotta sell the gas to get the.

[Aaron Keefe]

Give us a call back when you know what you want, okay? Because I have a bunch of calls trying to come in.

[Jacob]

I know what I want. Okay.

[Esmeralda]

Okay. I'm gonna make a new animal. Okay. This is God, and I'm gonna make a pig. Take 10.

[Aaron Keefe]

God. God, God, God. Sorry, I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone, but do you maybe want to, like.

[Esmeralda]

It's just animals right now.

[Aaron Keefe]

I know, but you may want to sober up before you create more animals.

[Esmeralda]

No. I'm gonna take another stab at a pig. This is pig. Take ten.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, hold on. God. Hold on. Here is a big cup of electrolytes. I just. The last few things you sent down.

[Esmeralda]

Electrolytes. This is Gatorade. Just call it Gatorade. We're not gonna get in trouble.

[Aaron Keefe]

We might.

[Esmeralda]

No.

[Aaron Keefe]

We technically have a sponsorship with Powerade, and you're not supposed to be doing Gatorade. You made a pufferfish and I was silent. You made an anglerfish with a light bulb coming out of its head. God.

[Esmeralda]

I made a blowjob fish, and I made a flashlight fish. You gave them other names. Puffer fish, Angler.

[Aaron Keefe]

Puffer fish are supposed to be blow chop fish. They're sharp. God. God.

[Esmeralda]

Can I say God? What?

[Casey]

What?

[Esmeralda]

Carol? What?

[Aaron Keefe]

Remember when you made why did I.

[Esmeralda]

Make an ex wife? Why was the first thing I made an ex wife?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, please. The first thing you made was a wife. And then the first mistake you made.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We cut away to a far side image of a cartoon. And it's a horse standing next to a zebra, and they're both in a field. And then the caption at the Bottom is the zebra saying, technically, I'm a blowjob horse. Okay, station numbers are up. It looks like the listener base has seen another 6% increase. So we're growing and we're more popular than ever. Let's move on to ad sales. Oh.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, Clarissa, what's wrong?

[Aaron Keefe]

I just have a quick question.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Is it possible for employees to put out ads? If we pay the money, can we put an ad on the air?

[Esmeralda]

I mean, that can sometimes be a conflict of interest, but it depends on what you are promoting. What was it you wanted to sell an ad for or buy an ad for?

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, it's more of a plea.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm trying to win. I'm trying to win John back.

[Esmeralda]

Oh.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, Clarissa.

[Esmeralda]

Um, I mean, we could do a. I mean, legally, our, our legalese department says that we could hold a contest where someone, someone could win John back, but I think you would not be able to participate.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, that's a conflict.

[Aaron Keefe]

Can I put an ad out telling him that I miss him?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So we'll table that? I think maybe we'll table that one, because I have Rex Candamon the Kia dealer. He wants to do another series of ads. I think we could all agree that. Yeah, we could.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, no, no. We can't have Rex in his dirty money here on the radio.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Uh, okay, Clarissa, that, Yeah, I mean, we, we do work on a veto system. So one person can veto any ad.

[Aaron Keefe]

And I think he cheats at bowling. You go down to the bowling alley.

[Esmeralda]

How do you cheat at bowling?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

How do you cheat at bowling?

[Esmeralda]

There's no way.

[Aaron Keefe]

Exactly. You go down to the bowling alley here in Orlando. Rex's name is on the wall. Insane.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, okay.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So, Clarissa, I think what, they have a fake, like, airpin or inflatable pin bowling alley at Rex Candyman's Kia dealer. But that's just to, like, roll the apr bowling ball to get, like, a lower rate. But that's, that's not real bowling, and I, I, I don't think he cheats at that.

[Esmeralda]

I think.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. They were going to buy $20,000 in ads and run it for the next four months, but I guess we can veto. Yeah, that's a veto. Okay.

[Esmeralda]

His name is on the wall at the bowling alley because he donated 25,000 to the scoliosis research.

[Aaron Keefe]

Veto. Veto. Veto.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So anyone else have anything else that they. Any other, you know, big whales that we've been bringing in that we want to, you know, sell some ads for?

[Esmeralda]

I finally got a Nibble from Cape Canaveral. They are looking to promote their next launch.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

That's huge for us.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah. For people to kind of step outside the house. Oh, okay. Is there Clarissa?

[Casey]

What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Did you bring a soundboard into the ad sales meeting room?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. That's gonna be a veto from me.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay.

[Esmeralda]

Can you let us know why or.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

I went to high school with them.

[Esmeralda]

With Cape Canaveral?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes, Cape Canaveral.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mm. And they bullied me, and they said, one day you'll work for a radio station and I'll buy an ad at that radio station. Okay, you're a loser. I'm great at science and math. That's what they said.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And you're sure you went to high school with Cape Canaveral?

[Aaron Keefe]

Kate Canaveral and I went to high school together.

[Esmeralda]

Okay. I guess. I mean, it's a one point. Okay. Next on the docket is Vito's Italian Floridian subs.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah. Veto's hot subs. All the subs there have to be hot because it's hot. That's their slogan. The subs are as hot as it is.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's gonna be a veto.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, this. I'm. I'm. I'm saying no to these veto subs.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I guess we can veto it.

[Aaron Keefe]

I think substitute teachers should not be hot. That's very distracting. It's already distracting enough having your teacher out of the classroom.

[Esmeralda]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. I guess that works. Hey, why don't we just do some non controversial ones? Publix, Walmart, Target. They all want to just increase their ad spend.

[Esmeralda]

Easy, easy. What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Clarissa, Publix, Walmart, and Target.

[Jacob]

Why?

[Aaron Keefe]

Bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

[Esmeralda]

Here's one. I think this is as innocuous as it gets. This is an ad. This is for thumbs up. Now the Florida State Department wants to promote people giving thumbs up. They thought kids would enjoy it. It's better than a middle finger for thumbs up.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's like for Dr.

[Aaron Keefe]

Holds up both her arms and they're both broken. That's gonna be a veto. That's gonna be a veto from me. No one signed the cast.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. I guess the only thing left on the list is Clarissa's original pitch was.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I guess there's only one thing left to win back.

[Esmeralda]

John.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Will John back?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. Not to win back John. John's sitting at the table totally silent.

[Esmeralda]

John, is that a veto from you or John?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You want a veto, you have a veto.

[Esmeralda]

Hey, John's just interesting.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Staring off into space.

[Esmeralda]

Sort of a thousand yard Stare.

[Aaron Keefe]

He's disassociating. That's my baby.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I guess that one goes through. Clarissa, do you want to just. Do you want to just record it real quick?

[Jacob]

I guess.

[Aaron Keefe]

Done.

[Esmeralda]

Please.

[Aaron Keefe]

Please, John. John, please. You. I miss. I miss you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I just got an espresso machine, and I am making my own espresso for the first time. But it's like a thing that takes, you know, like, subtle changes to the weight of your espresso and then how much, like, how much liquid that you're pulling. And all of that takes, like, fine tuning. But I'm also not one of these people that is good of making an espresso drink and being like. Taking a sip and being like, this isn't right. I'm learning. It's a learning curve. I'll just throw this away. I'm the type of person who will make a bad espresso, drink it, and then be like, now, let's get to the real shit. So I've had, like, six bad espressos today.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, geez.

[Esmeralda]

They don't feel like.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And I just ate a bunch of mixed nuts. And my eyes, I think, are back, if that makes sense.

[Jacob]

They were.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They were not good for, like, pretty much a little while, but now I'm starting to be back to, like, normal eyes.

[Esmeralda]

I love gpc. Bursting into a room and saying, my eyes are back.

[Aaron Keefe]

You're blurry right now. You're vibrating at such a quick speed.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I also am a person who often. Yeah, okay, you're right, Aaron. That was a stretch.

[Esmeralda]

Let him finish.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

My legs are, like, constantly in motion, and every once in a while, I will hear something on a recording, and I'm like, what the fuck is that? And I'm like, oh, it's me just moving my legs back and forth like a fucking cricket. And it's making sweet, beautiful musicals.

[Aaron Keefe]

Walking around in circles. Circles. Circles. Yes, of course.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

So I'm trying for my whole body to stop vibrating. I've got the eyes down. Those are no longer vibrating. But I might have. What's it called when there's, like, a earthquake and then there's, like, a mini earthquake afterwards? Shocks. That can't be it. So I've got. I'm just gonna call them little body vibrations that are half by post. Jiggle.

[Esmeralda]

I don't know, guys, real quick, when we bite into these Oreos, let's all just agree to say. Let's all say, oh, so minty.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, these are very minty. Adult. That's such a smart idea.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah. And I'll Be like, I can't even finish this. It's like menthol.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Menthol.

[Esmeralda]

This is like smoking a. Smoking a clove cigarette.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, you back? Okay, so Aaron is back with the Oreos. Was the guy. Did the guy look dead?

[Esmeralda]

Whoa.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Don't eat the Selena Gomez once. Not yet.

[Aaron Keefe]

Why?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Because we have to try.

[Esmeralda]

I feel like these, you hold on to. Hold onto these for 10 years and sell them.

[Aaron Keefe]

I have to. They taste exactly the same.

[Esmeralda]

That's what you're tasting.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. Aaron just ordered gluten free Oreos. We're about to taste it, and it's about to taste like fucking mint. Because it's gluten free. They probably taste exactly the same. Says the girl who thinks they taste like mint and dark chocolate.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron is whipping, pelting us with Oreos.

[Aaron Keefe]

It tastes like cocoa. It has that bitter cocoa taste.

[Casey]

They have less.

[Esmeralda]

The gluten free ones have less cream.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What the fuck is going on with this?

[Aaron Keefe]

Just taste the chocolatey part.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay. It's gluten free chocolate.

[Aaron Keefe]

And tell me also, the frosting does have a little minty kick to it.

[Esmeralda]

Whoa.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This is. Holy shit. That is actually very minty.

[Esmeralda]

This is crazy. There's a difference of the gluten. The gluten free and the regulars. There's a difference. Whatever's going on here, this is crazy minty.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This is like super minty.

[Esmeralda]

It's like smoking menthols.

[Aaron Keefe]

Were you guys making fun of me? And this is.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, I truly, Aaron. I truly. I've had Oreos in a long time. I did not know. Maybe it's the gluten free, but I did not know that they would. I mean, this is like a strong mint taste.

[Esmeralda]

It's almost like wintergreen.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm getting pranked.

[Esmeralda]

It's like a Tic Tac.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

This is honestly, like. Yeah, it's worse than, like, spearmint gum. Like, it's so minty.

[Esmeralda]

Let the record show that I've always been with you about the dark cocoa powder flavor. Aaron, are these Altoid Oreos?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Am I eating mint off the stem?

[Esmeralda]

Guys, she's onto us.

[Casey]

Guys, she's onto us.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

She's throwing Oreos. She's on to us. She's on to us.

[Esmeralda]

I got pelted with an Oreo.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron.

[Jacob]

Ow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, I say this, this with love. You are one of the craziest motherfuckers I've heard.

[Aaron Keefe]

I fucking hate you. You're a cunt and a goof. And I hate you.

[Esmeralda]

You're a cunt and a goof.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

We don't know if that episode has come out.

[Jacob]

No, it's come out.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, it's come out.

[Casey]

Smack.

[Esmeralda]

Aaron, with a glove. You're a cunt of goof. Crush. Crush it into dust. And everybody take a pinky and snort it. And snort it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, after eating this Oreo, do you think it's a. Do you think it tastes minty? You still do. I'm sorry. I feel sorry.

[Aaron Keefe]

I think the frosting has a slight minty kick. And I also think that the wafer part has, like, a cocoa, dry chocolate.

[Esmeralda]

I get a little cocoa. Can I have one more? And I get a lot more. I'm just gonna eat the cream.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

But I don't get any dark chocolate. I get cocoa. Oh, yeah.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It doesn't taste bitter to me at all. It tastes like cocoa powder. Like you would eat from, like, brownie mix.

[Esmeralda]

Okay. I eat just the cream, no cookie. I don't taste mint.

[Aaron Keefe]

Am I dying?

[Esmeralda]

I might have a terrible palette.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, it must be me.

[Esmeralda]

There's maybe something to the art, like the sugar they use or something that has, like, a sensation.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Aaron, you don't have to try these, but everyone else is going to eat a Selena Gomez Oreo.

[Aaron Keefe]

We should disclose this was an ad, right? That's unethical.

[Esmeralda]

This whole thing. Nabisco. At the very end. Just add Nabisco.

[Aaron Keefe]

Nabisco. Welcome back to t w 99.5 the Bog. This is Lavender Talks Love. I'm Lavender Montgomery, and I take your questions on the air about love. So call in 995-595-5599. Ooh, looks like we got our first caller. Go for lavender. Tell me, what do you want to know about love?

[Casey]

Hi, Lavender. Big time, big time, Long time.

[Aaron Keefe]

Uh. Oh, are you touching yourself?

[Casey]

Big deal.

[Esmeralda]

I meant long time.

[Casey]

First time.

[Esmeralda]

I meant long time.

[Casey]

First time.

[Esmeralda]

What did I say?

[Casey]

Big time, long time.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, you're a little out of breath, too.

[Casey]

I'm a little flustered. And here's the reason. Lavender. I had been listening to your show for 13 years. Your episodes, I believe, helped sort of were the catalyst for my sexual awakening. And lavender. I've never seen a picture of you. I can't find a single thread of information about you online. Would you please just describe yourself?

[Aaron Keefe]

That's so interesting. No picture of me online. Could it be that I'm a raccoon wearing sort of an 80s glamorous wig?

[Casey]

Pretty specific. That's probably that one.

[Aaron Keefe]

And they didn't want to put my photo online because they didn't think a Raccoon named Lavender with sort of feathered hair would have anything to say about love. I am a tall, blonde woman.

[Casey]

I think. I think the raccoon was. I think that was doing more for me. Could you go back to that?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, what can.

[Casey]

You probably want some nasty trash. Get some nasty little trash.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, I'll write your number down, but we're on air, so I'm gonna hang up now.

[Casey]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love?

[Jacob]

Sorry, I just.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are you touching yourself?

[Jacob]

No, no, I just. I just finished a marathon.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, what an honor for you to call me right after you finish a marathon. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Aaron Keefe]

How long's the marathon? You're touching yourself. Next. Hi, this is Lavender. What do you want to know about love?

[Casey]

I was curious. If you pass a note to a girl in class and she reads it, but she doesn't write one back, does that mean it's over?

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, my God. Is this Joe Biden? I'd recognize that voice anywhere.

[Casey]

This is a Joe Biden.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, wow. An honor. Doom doom do do doop do do do do do do do do. Wow. You single? How's Jill?

[Casey]

How did you know? How'd you know that was her name? That's the girl I passed the note to in class.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mmm. Interesting. Well, give me a call back if you ever want to chat politics. Next caller. This is Lavender. What do you wanna know about love?

[Jacob]

Hey, Lavender. Sorry, I just. Just.

[Aaron Keefe]

Why are you out of breath?

[Jacob]

I just ran down the stairs because I wanted to call. Use the basement phone. Because I didn't want. I'm asking a question about my wife. I didn't want my.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, tell wife.

[Jacob]

To overhear me in the house asking a question. So my wife can be kind of. Want to. She can be kind of prickly. She can snap. You know, she could be pretty testy.

[Aaron Keefe]

Like a raccoon if you try to take garbage out of a tip.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I guess that's. That's one example. I guess my question is I want to do something to kind of spice up our relationship. She can always be very cold, very still. She. You know, we don't share the same interests. I'm more like. I like to, you know, get out. I like to do things. She kind of likes to lay in the water very still for long periods of time.

[Aaron Keefe]

What. What are you referring to?

[Jacob]

I go to work. She has a little bird that, you know, cleans her teeth, like, okay, you.

[Aaron Keefe]

Are married to an alligator. Actually, it's pretty common here in Florida. I've heard it before.

[Jacob]

Yeah, no, I know. Just wondering how to spice up our relationship.

[Aaron Keefe]

Buy her lingerie.

[Jacob]

Oh, that's such lavender. You have saved my marriage. I'm gonna go buy an alligator lingerie. Thank you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay.

[Aaron Keefe]

Be careful out there.

[Jacob]

I was touching myself.

[Aaron Keefe]

This is lavender. What do you want to know about love? Hi, my name is. Are you touching yourself, Mikey? Oh, is that a problem, Goofy? Is that going to be a problem, Goofy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm goofy.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, that's right.

[Casey]

My name is Goofy.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm touching myself.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, we'll do Horrible Science. Yeah, of course.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to horrible science. I'm Dr. Blister Fingers, and we're doing another episode of Horrible Science today. Today on Horrible Science, I have two of the worst children from school. As we all know well. Huh? As we all know every. Every school since. Two of their worst children to do an episode of Horrible science with me, Dr. Blisterficus.

[Esmeralda]

They said this was a privilege.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah. I thought I won an essay contest.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You all think you've won an essay contest, but think back. Did you write an essay?

[Aaron Keefe]

No, sir.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

So that's how you know. So today on Horrible Science, we're gonna be doing experiments.

[Aaron Keefe]

Dr. Blister fingers, you smell like whiskey.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Yes. So today's first experiment, we're going to be trying to turn potatoes into gold.

[Esmeralda]

Alchemy.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Whoa. Yes, it is alchemy. A long lost ancient art that some people claim is a crock of hookery.

[Aaron Keefe]

I think. I. I mean, science is my favorite subject in school, and I can't.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

It doesn't show. Did anyone bring potatoes?

[Aaron Keefe]

I did, because I thought we were doing the potato electricity thing where potatoes can be a conduit for electricity.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

How?

[Aaron Keefe]

I'll show you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Okay. Interesting.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay. All right, I'm gonna.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

This isn't one of those things, like in Las Vegas where you start doing it and you're just trying to get my watch?

[Aaron Keefe]

No, I'm just.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Because my watch is gone.

[Aaron Keefe]

I think you just lost your watch, Dr. Blister Finger, in Las Vegas.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

From a con man.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, well, then how would we have gotten it if you lost it in Vegas?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

That's what I'm saying, stupid.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, I'm plugging this cord in here. This cord in here.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

And then potato.

[Aaron Keefe]

The light bulb turned on.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

What the fuck? How did you do that?

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, hey.

[Esmeralda]

Put her down. Put her down.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Shake, shake, shake, shake.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

How did you get on this show? Let me see your report card.

[Casey]

Okay.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What is this?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

A, A, A B plus? B plus? Oh, it's in gym. That makes sense.

[Casey]

What?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Wait a second, wait a second. Are you good kids?

[Esmeralda]

No.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, you're really good kids.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Aaron Keefe]

But you're in the front page of the paper for saving all those dogs.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, but it's from a fire I started.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, that's okay. It was an accident.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

That's okay.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I start fires here almost every week.

[Esmeralda]

I said no because I thought that a truly good kid would never say their true. Okay.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

They're only supposed to send me bad kids to do bad science and hopefully get horribly burned to teach them a lesson about why you should be good kids so you don't have to come to.

[Aaron Keefe]

Doctor, I have a question. Doctor. Shut the fuck.

[Casey]

Shut up.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, you just shot me with a paintball gun.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ow.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I keep a paintball gun under the.

[Aaron Keefe]

Desk at close range, Dr. Blister Fingers. Who's funding this?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Who's funding this?

[Aaron Keefe]

Someone wants you to bring in kids and burn them.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I assume it's like PBS or something.

[Esmeralda]

What does PBS stand for?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Public Poker Systems or something? I don't know who's signing my check checks.

[Esmeralda]

Paintball school.

[Aaron Keefe]

Sounds like you're just torturing kids for free.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Okay, is that so bad that I'm doing a service to the community, but.

[Aaron Keefe]

Just in case any kids are tuning in and want to learn some real science.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

No, this is a fake program for bad kids to get punished for being bad kids by being with me. Dr. Mustafa. Oh, getting kind of light headed.

[Aaron Keefe]

An object in motion stinks.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Not because of how I'm talking, because of how much paint I've had today.

[Esmeralda]

Paint? Are you eating the paintballs?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Oh, yes, I'm eating paint. Paint's a beverage, dumbass. You drink paint?

[Aaron Keefe]

You look like you've been also chewing on the paintball pellet, dumbass.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

If you get it just right, you can gush it as it's going down your esophagus and get a blast of paintball that doesn't stain your mouth.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, I brought a volcano.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

If you just brought a volcano.

[Esmeralda]

Well, a model volcano, yeah, no shit.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I didn't think you brought a fucking freaking frickin damn islands to the radio show.

[Aaron Keefe]

You clearly been kissing the mirror because there's paint marks and a kiss form all over the mirror.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Hey, I'm not on trial here. I lost that trial. It had to pay compensatory damages in the form of a television show for bad kids.

[Aaron Keefe]

Show me how it works.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

We're gonna take a potato and we're gonna turn it into gold. Get those cords out of that potato. Don't. Stay out of me. I'm a nice man. Outside of this, I'm a really nice man.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Ask me how many snakes I own.

[Esmeralda]

We can see them.

[Aaron Keefe]

We can see them. They're all over the place.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Ramegan.

[Esmeralda]

Dumbasses.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You can't own snakes. Snakes are for everybody.

[Esmeralda]

One's on my foot.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

One's on my foot.

[Esmeralda]

It's swallowing me.

[Aaron Keefe]

What are you putting a volcano to get it to erupt.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

If you make that volcano erupt on one of my snakes, which are not mine, the snakes that belong to the community, I will kill you with paintballs.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Here's what we're gonna do.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

We're gonna try to make gold potatoes, okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

Do you mean like, gold russet potatoes? Like the kind of potatoes that you like?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Who's a doctor? Misi use?

[Aaron Keefe]

I don't think you are.

[Esmeralda]

Misi use. Are you jar jerk.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I'm at best. I'm living my best quote, unquote life. This is my second act.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, your ankle monitor's beeping like crazy.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

That's not an ankle monitor. That's a monitored lizard that's living on my ankle. They hate snakes. Do not get in the snake.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, fine. Fine. You know what? Fine. I've lost complete control of this show. Okay? You're obviously not bad kids. You're obviously interested in science. I can't burn you.

[Casey]

Ow.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Stop saying ow.

[Aaron Keefe]

You keep shooting us with paintball.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I get it.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

But you should be desensitized to the violence at this point.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

It's been a lot of paintballs.

[Esmeralda]

What do you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What do you two want to do?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You want to do science?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yes, please.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Let's do some science.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Let's.

[Esmeralda]

Fine.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You're good kids. You got good grades. Let's do good science.

[Casey]

Mmm.

[Esmeralda]

Science is awesome.

[Aaron Keefe]

I love science.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What would you like to make? An airplane engine.

[Esmeralda]

Oh, boy.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Whoa.

[Aaron Keefe]

You know how to make an airplane engine?

[Esmeralda]

That would be amazing.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Yes.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Technically, I have to make my own.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Because I'm on a no fly list.

[Esmeralda]

What'd you do?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

It's racism, okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

My mom's waiting in the car outside. We card pulled.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

You have parents?

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We should go.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

They usually send me orphans.

[Aaron Keefe]

That's really dark.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

What?

[Aaron Keefe]

You know what? Let's drop a pin. Oh.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Orphans don't deserve silence.

[Aaron Keefe]

Able to find it later when they ask us where this guy's staying.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

In court.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, yeah. Fine.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Let's all go back to court.

[Esmeralda]

Ow.

[Aaron Keefe]

Ow.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You know what?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

I'm Getting a little bit sick of all of the ows coming out of here.

[Aaron Keefe]

Thank you for having us.

[Esmeralda]

Thank you, sir. Here's a gift. We pulled our allowances and bought you this.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What? Okay, not necessary. But let me open up the.

[Esmeralda]

Because tomorrow's Christmas, Sir.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron Keefe]

It's Christmas.

[Esmeralda]

And on Christmas. Everyone deserves a gift.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

This is one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received. Is this live or dead?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Goose?

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

This is dead.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mostly dead. We thought that you would want to do the honor, sir.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Oh, I would be honored to do the honors. This is honestly very nice of you children. This is a very thoughtful gift.

[Esmeralda]

Silent zip. Oh, holy. Keep singing. Keep singing. Look away.

[Aaron Keefe]

Look away.

[Esmeralda]

Rebecca. Look away.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Ow.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, how to follow that?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, so just to go over like ground rules. I don't think anyone in the neighborhood knows that we got a pool installed. Okay, so let's just make it through the block party.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Not mention it to anyone.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And then.

[Aaron Keefe]

What are you talking about? Dad, I told like like every kid.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

On the block, okay?

[Aaron Keefe]

They were wondering about the noise.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You're grounded.

[Esmeralda]

We're ruined.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, no, I'm not.

[Esmeralda]

Jimmy, we're ruined. We're ruined. Jimmy.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hold on. Be on my team. Seth, you're grounded.

[Aaron Keefe]

No. It's the beginning of summer. Dad, please.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You knew the blood.

[Aaron Keefe]

I didn't tell mom about your affair.

[Esmeralda]

Please. What?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I told you I knew. I knew Ellen from work.

[Esmeralda]

I just wanted to act surprised for.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I know. Yeah, yeah.

[Esmeralda]

In front of the kid. Ever.

[Aaron Keefe]

I've been crying myself to sleep torn up about.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I wish you would have talked about. Asked me about it. Cuz it wasn't an affair. It was a hall pass.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, he was getting back at me. Also cuz I did some stuff. Do you want to hear about it?

[Aaron Keefe]

No, Mom, I'll tell you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

She entered into a hand job contest in Kansas City. She was second place.

[Esmeralda]

Which is almost worse. Which is almost worse.

[Aaron Keefe]

So much worse.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yeah, but if you know. If you have to know, Seth, the gulf between first and second place. She never would have hit.

[Esmeralda]

Such a chasm. Such a chasm.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Such a chasm.

[Aaron Keefe]

And can I tell you, I was wondering who got. Who got. Who got first?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You've never heard of him?

[Esmeralda]

It's not time for Abbott Costello?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Where does he live though?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Kansas City. It was Paul Rudd.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah. Go Jayhawks. You know him?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Truly a Jayhawk, if you know what I'm saying.

[Esmeralda]

We. We know.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We know Paul.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, I'm definitely not grounded.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You guys are grounded because you told the neighborhood about the Pool, which was a secret pool. You knew that. The block party kick off summer. You knew we didn't want everyone in the neighborhood in the pool. We were going to open it quietly next week after the party.

[Aaron Keefe]

They're not offbound. People are going to find out about the pool anyway. People wandering each other's yards.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

We have a fenced in yard with a lock. Seth, they were never getting in our yard.

[Aaron Keefe]

Look at our backyard right now.

[Esmeralda]

Not to dwell on the hand job contest, Mom, I do feel like I deserve first. But what happened was I made it to finals using my left hand. And then at the finals I go, I have a secret. And they go, what? And I go, I am not left handed. And no one enjoyed it. No one thought it was fun.

[Aaron Keefe]

What were the different rounds?

[Esmeralda]

Well, what your mother didn't Jerk, tug, completion. Jerk, completion, tug. Twosies, threesies.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

500 meter, 300 meter, 1000 meter Distance.

[Esmeralda]

To see who could Distance. Yeah. To kind of shoot the farthest. This.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

What your mother didn't know was that it was not like a. Oh, you have to complete compete and complete everything. Day of the actor Paul Rudd had been doing it for weeks leading up to the contest. So his numbers were just.

[Aaron Keefe]

Probably all the people who were the judges were kind of like dry by then and like didn't want another hand job.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

The judges aren't getting the hand jobs.

[Aaron Keefe]

Who's getting the hand jobs?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Anybody? Everybody.

[Aaron Keefe]

Then who's jud. Someone's watching someone get a hand job and judging the hand job. Watching the hand job?

[Esmeralda]

Yeah.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Technique. Stroke.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, that's not how you judge a hand job. When you're receiving a hand job.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You're 16, Seth. You shouldn't know anything at the break.

[Esmeralda]

That's disgusting. Okay, you're being disgusting.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You're being disgusting.

[Aaron Keefe]

How do you know how good of a hand job is it? It is by looking at it.

[Esmeralda]

You know, when you see it, you see it.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

When you see it, you see it.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, you don't.

[Esmeralda]

Have you ever seen Eight and a Half Fellini? Yeah.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah.

[Esmeralda]

The first time I saw it, I said, that's cinema. Because before, it's like I watched Three Ninjas and Three Ninjas Strike Back. But then I saw.

[Aaron Keefe]

What does this have to do with hand jobs?

[Esmeralda]

I'm saying it's a feeling you get. Like when I saw.

[Aaron Keefe]

Yeah, that's a feeling that you're experiencing.

[Esmeralda]

It washed over me and I said, that's film.

[Aaron Keefe]

I would never say someone is great at hand jobs if I've only ever seen watched them give hand Jobs and not received their hand jobs. I can the half the neighborhoods in our pool. Look at the pool.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Oh, my God. God, Seth, you are so grounded.

[Esmeralda]

You are grounded. If in two years you want to enter, that's fine. But until then, you will respect that your mom.

[Aaron Keefe]

Wait. As someone who's giving hands.

[Esmeralda]

Raining runner up, huh?

[Aaron Keefe]

Giving?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Not until you're 21, but you can enter as a receiver when you're 18.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, wait, that's stupid. You should be able to do both if you're at the same age.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, it's a brain development.

[Aaron Keefe]

You would think it's a brain development thing.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Yes, your brain is not fully developed and full.

[Esmeralda]

You can't do shot put and the 100 sprint. Right. Different body builds. Same with your mom. Look at my forearms.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Your mom's barred from entry.

[Aaron Keefe]

Wait, then how'd she get second after.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You compete once, you are barred from competing in future contests.

[Aaron Keefe]

Well, then how do you know that you're good at it enough to.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Paul Rudd tells you.

[Esmeralda]

Paul Rudd tells you.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Paul Rudd tells you.

[Aaron Keefe]

I'm gonna go swim.

[Casey]

You.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You are not gonna swim, Seth. You're grounded. I bet the whole neighborhood didn't even wash their feet before they got in the pool.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

Which is the number one rule of.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Using a community pool.

[Aaron Keefe]

You guys are disgusting. Why do you care?

[Esmeralda]

We are.

[Aaron Keefe]

How are we disgusting?

[Esmeralda]

Celebrating the beautiful connection between a hand and a penis.

[Aaron Keefe]

Mom, I thought you were a bodybuilder.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I didn't even. I didn't even have anything to do with the hand job contest. I.

[Aaron Keefe]

How do I get out of this?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Had sex with a woman from work.

[Esmeralda]

Seen? Honey, life is not the scene. Look at my veiny forearms. Honey, stop yelling.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You're causing a scene. Hey, I'm Greg Blueberries and this is the homeowner's hotline. The only call and advice show for homeowners by one homeowner to help you with all that is going wrong or maybe going right in your home. Looks like the switchboard is lighting up. Say your name and where you're from.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, my name is Mike Sullivan.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

And no last names, Mike. You know what? Don't say where you're from. Just be Mike Sullivan. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay. Just a quick reminder. So we had to let go of Mike. Just say like. You could say like. For me, I would say Greg in Minnesota, and that would be how I would identify myself. If you do anything more than how to say it. Bad people listen to this show. There are bad people everywhere. And some would say that there Are no evil people. But I've been doing this show for 10 years and I know for a fact that is wrong. Evil exists. It lives in men's hearts. And we can't stop them from watching the show. So they will find you if you tell them who you are and where you are. But I can't have a conversation with you personally to person if I don't know your name and a little something about you. So we're going to take more calls. Just say your name and where you're from.

[Esmeralda]

My name is Mike Sullivan.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, Mike, you're dead. You're already gone. They already have enough for you, Mike. We could. We could leave Mike on the line and we could all listen to Mike die. If you want to hear a man die on the phone, because that's how dead Mike is. I'm sorry.

[Esmeralda]

Phone board lights up.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm sorry again. This is. I'm Craig Blueberry. This is a homeowner advice show. That's all it is. Let's go to the next call. Your name and where you're from.

[Aaron Keefe]

Hey, Greg, we're on the way to Mike. We're about a minute out. Thank you, Greg.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Why do you do it? Why do you do it? Listen to any other show.

[Aaron Keefe]

Oh, oh, also why I. While I have you, should I get like, flood insurance? It only happens like once. If you live basement.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

If you live in a floodplain area, yes, it could happen.

[Aaron Keefe]

No, we had. We had a pipe freeze and then it flooded.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Then. No, I don't.

[Jacob]

If you.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

If it's just a pipe freezing issue, I think just take care of the pipes and that'll clear up the issue.

[Aaron Keefe]

Time to kill, Mike.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Well, don't do it now.

[Esmeralda]

Who's there?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Mike, how are you still on the line?

[Esmeralda]

I'm not. I'm at my door. Who's talking?

[Aaron Keefe]

We got a special delivery.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

All right, off, off, off. We're not gonna listen to another man die, okay? Hey, here's the good news.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

They've killed.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They've already killed tonight. They usually don't do it more than once in a night. So let's just keep opsec, okay? Let's keep. Let's keep that in mind when I take the next call. Let's do name. Let's do where you're from and let's do no information, just information about the house and the problem, okay? I don't want to have any other people die because of me. Not that it's because of me. Greg Blueberry is not sending these men. I do not Control them. I'm not activating them in any way. Let's take one more call.

[Esmeralda]

Hey, my name is Joey Buttholes. I'm a little panicked. I live right next door to Mike.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

No, no, no. Joey's gone. If you're listening and you live next to Mike.

[Aaron Keefe]

Joey, are you home?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Is my button not working at all tonight?

[Esmeralda]

He's there.

[Aaron Keefe]

A special delivery. Joey.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Weren't you panties.

[Esmeralda]

Special delivery. Come right in.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Joey was always gone.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

He was.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

He was never gonna make it. I'm surprised he made it this long. If you live in that neighborhood, go to your basement right now. Stop watching the show, wherever that is, and please God, don't tell me where it is. Just stop watching the show. Let's take a call from literally anywhere else in the country, okay? Let's just do a call. You know what? I'm breaking my own rule. Cause the show started off so rocky tonight. Tell me nothing about your life. Just tell me about your problem. Next caller, let's go. What is the homeowner advice that you need, caller?

[Aaron Keefe]

Hi, I'm Faith Nielsen. I live two doors down from Mike and I don't have a basement. Should I get one? Should I hide in my attic? What do you think I should do? I'm Faith's.

[Esmeralda]

Tell her the attic.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Faith, you could get in the fastest car known to man and start driving now and nothing would save you. There is a reckoning coming for you, Faith, because you, Faith, cannot listen to simple instructions.

[Aaron Keefe]

Craig Blueberry, You. You always cause so much chaos around this town. You've caused like a million deaths. It's crazy. Why are you still on the air?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I don't want to do this.

[Aaron Keefe]

Okay, do you want to know my Social Security number?

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Faith. Faith, I do not. Here's my dilemma, folks. If I stop doing the show, people's houses go to shit. People do not know how to maintain their houses without Greg Blueberry. If I keep doing the show, some people die. It's like if you have a button and you press the button, someone somewhere in the world dies. But if you keep doing the show, people's little household projects get fixed. Alright, let's take another call. The next caller on the line.

[Esmeralda]

Yeah, I have a problem with my home.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Okay, please, let's launch into this.

[Esmeralda]

My Name's. My initials, R.T. that's all we need. And I just want to make sure I'm talking to Greg Blueberry at 2011 West Irving Park.

[Aaron Keefe]

Greggy boy, knock, knock, knock. A special delivery. And knock, knock. Knock, knock, knock, knock.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

You don't understand. Knock what you've done.

[Aaron Keefe]

Knock knock.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

They can't kill me.

[Aaron Keefe]

A knock. Knock, knock.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

I'm the one man they need to keep alive because no one else will sit behind this desk and send them out into the world.

[Aaron Keefe]

Shoots a bow and arrow through your neck. Both. Both through your neck.

[Dr. Blister Fingers]

That's impressive, Steve.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Starring Aaron Chevy and John Patrick Cullinan. Casey Tony did the editing. Marty Parent in the music logo created.

[Jacob]

By Emily Cardamus and Emeline Morris.

[JPC (John Patrick Cullinan)]

Hey there, chat Rs and boxes. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's another ch, ch ch ch ch. Chatter box where we answer your questions from the Discord. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyrendalreddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Aaron Keefe]

That was a Headgum podcast.