#392: Wrist Cyst w/ Janet Varney

Summary

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Hey Riddle Riddle #392: "Wrist Cyst" w/ Janet Varney

Released: January 21, 2026
Main Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Guest: Janet Varney

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Episode Overview

This special episode brings comedy legend and friend of the show Janet Varney back to Hey Riddle Riddle at the height of San Francisco Sketchfest 2026. The hosts, as ever, trade improvisational riffs, scene work, and wild banter between classic riddles and tangents about pop culture, bodily mishaps, and absurd hypotheticals. True to form, riddles are both center stage and a convenient excuse for playful chaos and sharp-witted improv.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Highlights

1. Podcast Queue/“Camping Out” Intro Bit

• The episode opens with a playful meta-scene portraying fans camping out in line for a “special Hey Riddle Riddle taping” with all four hosts present.
• Early banter establishes improvisational energy and pokes fun at fandom, with callbacks to inside jokes (e.g., “Riddle heads” and “Future lizards” as listener names).
• [03:24] JPC: "Why don’t we all relax, have some Hot Mountain Dew, and raise a glass to the one and only Janet Varney. Janet, welcome to the show."
  • [03:29] Janet: “Oh, oh, oh, oh, that is so hot. That is so hot.”

2. 2026 Sketchfest and “Consequence for JPC” Running Joke

• The hosts riff about how it’s 2026 and whether JPC should face consequences for his actions, with Janet gamely playing along.
• Janet reveals she’s deep in the throes of Sketchfest, surviving on little sleep:
  • [08:06] Janet: “Every day of Sketchfest is me saying I did not get enough sleep for whatever this is.”

3. Riddles Begin: Submarine Premonition

• Erin claims she’s having “premonitions” by unintentionally predicting the riddle about a man in a submarine.
  • [12:26] Casey (Host): “A man looks out of a window. He is desperate to open it, yet he knows this would kill him.”
  • [12:44] Erin (immediately): “You guys, am I crazy? That’s crazy.”
  • The joke lands that Erin now possesses “riddle-prophet” powers for 2026.

4. Improvised Scenes & Recurring Riddle Tangents

• The group launches into an array of improvised scenes—bankers denying withdrawals, sentient sourdough starter, and bug bar banter—based on riffed premises or inspired by riddle solutions.
  • [19:39] Scene: Insect bar with JPC as bartender, Janet & Erin as bug patrons.
  • [23:18] Scene: JPC as a (mob) sourdough starter talking “chunks” with Adal’s baker character.

5. Audience/Pandemic Bits, Plants, and Kombucha Mushroom

• Janet recounts a college story about a friend growing an “early, smelly kombucha mushroom” and fearing bad energy would affect its growth.
  • [26:16] Janet: “Guys, please don’t argue in front of the mushroom. Like, it’s gonna pick up those bad vibes.”

6. Riddles, Wordplay, and Scene Interplay

• More riddles, including:
  • The “Aunt Elise at a pub” twist (she’s 10 years old, so she herself is a minor and thus banned).
  • The “man plunges headfirst down a ravine but is at home chopping onions” (he’s a stuntman; she was watching him at work).
  • Balloon and pin riddle (putting a pin through an uninflated balloon, or the knotted end).
• Solutions are as much vehicles for more jokes and scenes as they are for puzzle-solving.

7. Erin’s “Voicemail” Running Gag

• The group riffs on Erin’s eternally full voicemail box and promises of doctor’s singing diagnoses (“tale as old as time, you have diabetes, you cannot eat candy”).

8. Janet’s “Wrist Cyst” Story [Main Episode Title Reference]

• JPC tells a story about discovering a cyst on his wrist, hoping for a “gross but cool” pop, only to be disappointed when the fluid just disperses.
  • [41:02] Janet (disgusted): “You worked your way into a super gross story.”
  • [42:43] Casey (Host): “Janet brings up a point—this was pretty gross. Are you comfortable if I name this episode 'Resist: Wrist Cyst'?”

9. Classic Hey Riddle Riddle Chaos & Escalating Bits

• Scenes spiral into high absurdity:
  • A magician sweating through a kid’s birthday party as her life falls apart ([54:41]).
  • Poker game with “fake dog” cheating and Guinness Book interrupting with a live award ([63:09]).
  • Banter about Hollywood, Sigourney Weaver playing children in Avatar, and the lack of quotable modern movie lines.

10. Plugs, Promotion, and End-of-Show Banter

• Janet plugs SF Sketchfest and Anthropology.com (“if it’s after February 1st, buy trinkets!”).
• Erin promotes her monthly variety show “Quality Time.”
• Adal plugs his podcasts: Hello From the Magic Tavern, Gumshoes and Dragons, and Word Association.
• JPC directs listeners to their Patreon and reads a recent review.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [05:32, Janet]: “I’ve reached too far. I… Icarus. I really Icarus.”
• [12:59, Casey]: “Aaron, you’re so good at riddles you’re starting to have premonitions… You’re starting to have visions about answers to future riddles.”
• [16:17, Janet]: “Babe, I’m gonna say right now, I predict that through the course of this episode, there will be a moment in which some piece of that scene… we’ll be like, ‘oh shit, actually, yeah.’”
• [26:16, Janet]: "Guys, please don’t argue in front of the mushroom. Like, it’s gonna pick up those bad vibes."
• [41:02, Janet]: “You worked your way into a super gross story.”
• [42:55, Casey]: “Are you comfortable if I name this episode ‘Resist: Wrist Cyst’?”
• [46:35, Roger/Adal]: “His son is saying grace. Put your hands together!”
• [49:19, Janet]: “What do you do when you want to call out in a scene that it’s ‘alrighty then’ not ‘alrighty now’ and then realize that’s not the point?”
• [50:47, JPC]: “They say… there’s no roles for women over 50. But after 50, now you have to be a child. You just circle back.”
• [53:21, Nearly everyone]: “The butthole.”
• [66:15, Adal]: “You know what? I live by a moral and ethical code. I’m gonna do what Jim Carrey once did in ‘Liar, Liar,’ and I’m gonna kick my own ass.”
• [67:01, Janet]: “If it’s after February 1st, go to Anthropology.com and buy yourself or somebody you care about something nice. They have real good sales.”

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [03:24] – Janet is welcomed to the show, “Hot Mountain Dew” running bit
• [05:01] – Submarine improv scene
• [08:06] – Janet describes Sketchfest exhaustion
• [12:26] – “Man in a submarine” riddle and Erin’s “premonition”
• [19:39] – Bar for insects improv scene
• [23:18] – Sourdough starter with attitude improv scene
• [26:16] – Kombucha mushroom story
• [41:02] – JPC’s “wrist cyst” story
• [46:35] – Family dinner as the injured stuntman improv
• [54:41] – Magician sweating at a kid’s party improv scene
• [63:09] – Poker game, fake dog cheating, Guinness Book intervention
• [67:01] – Janet’s plugs and SF Sketchfest promotion
• [69:27] – End credits and sign-off

---

Tone and Language

The episode is irreverent, fast-paced, and playful, true to the group’s signature blend of quick-witted improv and meta-comedy. Guests and hosts constantly riff, collapse into laughter, and escalate mundane details to absurdity, filtering every riddle through their chaotic, highly collaborative comic lens.

---

Summary

This “Wrist Cyst” edition of Hey Riddle Riddle is classic Clue Crew chaos: a festival of sharp group chemistry, quick-fire scene work, and endless inventive detours from the kind of logic riddles that nominally anchor the show. Janet Varney matches the hosts beat for beat, sharing both grimy bodily anecdotes and wild scene premises. As always, even the simplest riddles are jumping-off points for running jokes, surreal worldbuilding, and virtuoso banter—leaving listeners thoroughly entertained whether or not they care about the solutions.

For more: Check out their Patreon for bonus episodes, and don’t miss Janet at SF Sketchfest!

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

New year, same extra value meals at McDonald's. So now get two snack wraps, plus fries and a medium soft drink for just $8 for limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery time.

[C]

Yeah, no, no need for account for this one. You guys are all good.

[B]

I guess I'll just leave.

[C]

No count.

[B]

No, I know what I'm not flunk.

[D]

Bye. Though the doctor was alert.

[B]

He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away. And the horse's name. Hey, riddle, riddle.

[A]

Oh, is this the line for hey, Riddle, Riddle? Is this where it starts?

[C]

Yeah, this is. This is the end of the line. So.

[A]

Whoa. Did you camp here overnight? This looks crazy.

[C]

I'm a bit of a Riddle head. Is what the podcast calls their listeners, I think. I can't really remember. They've been through a few iterations. Future lizards, maybe, with something. Anyway, would you like some Mountain Dew?

[A]

This looks like it's boiling hot, so. Yes.

[C]

Gotta get all the syrup out.

[A]

I mean, I thought I didn't have to get here this early. I figured, well, it's a special show.

[C]

It's a special. We're in line for a special show because all four hosts are here, so.

[A]

Janet, I didn't even know.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That's why most of us are camping out, you know? Cause we.

[A]

Oh, sorry. There's someone in that tent.

[D]

Does someone want to take my place? I thought I was in line for the lion. That's what I heard, that this was a lion for. Hey, Riddle, Riddle. I'm a big feline fan, so if anyone wants to take my spot, I'm gonna peace out and go to the zoo.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

This is sort of a lateral move to that. I think you might enjoy this. You're already waiting in line.

[B]

Oh, okay. And I thought that they were doing another parody Lion King episode where they sing. What was it like, sexual parodies of Lion King. I think.

[C]

I think you're safe saying sexual blank.

[B]

Yeah, I'm actually going to cut it.

[D]

Into the front of the line now that you said that. If that's a possibility. I got to be in the front.

[B]

Of the line of this baby I'm cooking out, by the way, if anyone wants, like, a hamburger or a hot dog. Anything. Anything like that.

[C]

Wait, what was the second option?

[B]

Hamburgers?

[C]

No, I think it was.

[B]

Oh, the other option. That wasn't hamburgers.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

I'M also making hot dogs.

[A]

I'm sorry, Janet, can you help me out here? JVC should not be allowed to use this soundboard if I also don't have one.

[D]

Oh, Aaron, I. I signed a contract that said that JPC would exclusively use the soundboard. I was told that I couldn't participate in the show unless I signed that contract.

[A]

What? Gpc.

[D]

We need help.

[B]

I'm sorry, Aaron.

[D]

I'm. Hot Mountain Dew.

[A]

See, this is weird, you guys. This is weird and hard. That's trippy. That you use. That's. Why do you have that?

[B]

Hey, Aaron, why don't we all relax, have some Hot Mountain Dew, and raise a glass to the one and only Janet Varney. Janet Varney, welcome to the show.

[D]

Aw, thanks, you guys. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That is so hot. That is so hot.

[A]

Isn't it awesome?

[D]

I don't think we'll have taste anything for a while now.

[B]

Yeah, they shouldn't be in glasses either. We should get, like, coffee mugs or something for this cold. Mountain Dew.

[C]

Baja Scald.

[D]

Love a Baja Scald.

[A]

You guys, we're in 2026, and I think maybe what if we started something a little new? What if there were consequences to JPC's actions this year?

[B]

Speaking from personal experience, I don't like that. So as someone who's experienced consequences for my actions, I would. I prefer never have that happen again.

[A]

I mean, we got one vote.

[C]

No.

[A]

One vote. Yes.

[D]

I'm open to.

[C]

I just.

[D]

What would that look like? Like, I'm trying to imagine how the world would keep even turning if there was, like, a consequence for every time JBC did something for which there should technically be a consequence.

[A]

I don't know. Bitch.

[D]

Can I go?

[A]

Can I go with your. Can I go if I don't even. You don't even need me. Okay, let's do a quick experiment. Jpc, you're gonna be me. You can use whatever sounds I say on the soundboard.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Adol and Janet, I want to. Okay, I'll do a scene. How about a scene? I'll set up a scene. It's going to be Adol, Janet and me soundboard me. And you are three people in a submarine.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

And you're getting a little claustrophobic and bored.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Ooh, I sure am hungry on this submarine. I wish I had some hot sauce. Yeah, that's it. Thank you.

[A]

Make it hard for him, Adol.

[C]

Oh, yes. You know, my schnauzer is at home in Oklahoma City. And, you know, temperatures Britain in the 90s. High 90s, I think. So it's. He's probably a bit of a hot dog. Yeah, that's right.

[D]

I am a big fan of, you know, people like McDreamy and, you know, like, Doc Hollywood.

[A]

Are you gay?

[D]

I was going for hot dogs, but, like, docs.

[C]

Answer the question.

[D]

That's cool.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

That's cool. That's cool. That's cool, that's cool. I've reached too far. I. Icarus. I really Icarus.

[A]

That one talking about milking me.

[C]

Well, looks like there's a hole in the submarine, so guess this is it. Well, no. Nobody save her. We're gonna. We're gonna drown anyway, so don't waste your energy.

[D]

She's drowning in the mayonnaise inside this submarine.

[C]

You watching Dune?

[A]

Okay, scene.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right. All right. I guess you don't need me.

[B]

I think I have everything I need from you at this point, Aaron.

[D]

Gosh, Brutal.

[A]

Brutal.

[D]

Starting to feel like. I can't tell. I can't see Aaron's mouth moving at all. And I don't remember all of these moments.

[A]

So 2026, ventriloquist act.

[D]

I'm having. I'm free. I'm. I'm not. You were. Somebody was cooking out earlier. Can't say who wasn't out there in the line. Bye. I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out because I don't know what's real. And that, my friends, is 2026. Yeah.

[C]

Janet, would it shock you that all of our episodes for the past year have just been JPC hitting a button on a soundboard, including what I'm saying right now.

[A]

I knew it. I knew it.

[D]

That was the only one I was sure of. The only one I was sure of.

[B]

We outsourced a lot. And everybody, you know what? I hope you guys enjoyed your long vacations, okay? I'm doing this out of the goodness and graciousness of my own heart. Janet, you're joining us at the best possible time of the year because we are firmly in the middle of San Francisco sketchfest. So I. Cause what's today? Today is the 21st. Today's the 21st. So we still have some sketch fest left. How many heart attacks have you had?

[D]

Well, as you guys remember, I did have a heart attack live on stage at the hey, Riddle Riddle show. Would not have expected JPC to be the 1G. Be mouth to mouth. That actually came as a bit of.

[A]

A surprise before the heart attack even happened.

[D]

Before the heart attack. Hence causing the heart Attack. It's one of those snakes eating its own tail situation.

[B]

Someone asked, is there a doctor? I heard dog turd. So I stepped up because I thought.

[C]

I'm a dog turd.

[B]

Did you say doll hair? Did you say dog turd? Hold on. Don't give me. Don't give me a lobotomy. That's not going to help my breathing right now.

[A]

I did not get enough sleep for whatever this.

[D]

And that is Sketchfest. Every day of Sketchfest is me saying I did not get enough sleep for whatever this is.

[A]

It's three weekends. Correct, Janet.

[D]

It's three weekends. And then just almost every day in between during the week.

[A]

I think the last couple times we've gone, it's been the last weekend. And at this time, we're going the first weekend.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

And so you're gonna be less fresh as a daisy. Tired Fresh daisy.

[D]

Fresh as a daisy. I will. I was. I was fresh as a daisy. So if you're listening, it happened.

[B]

You've already missed Haywardle's show. Better luck next year, moron. But there's still two more weekends full of shows that you can see. So check out other shows at SF Sketch Fest if you're in the San Francisco area.

[D]

Bunch of great stuff. Bunch of great. If you like. Hey, Riddler Riddle, There's a bunch of great stuff waiting for you on the other side of that show, which was fricking awesome.

[B]

Some would even say even better stuff.

[D]

I wouldn't say that.

[B]

I would say that.

[D]

I would say that.

[B]

I would say even better stuff.

[D]

I can't say that.

[B]

I'm allowed to. I'm allowed to say even better stuff.

[C]

Past reunion of newsradio.

[A]

All right. Even better.

[C]

Can we make that happen?

[D]

I think we did do that.

[C]

Can we make that happen?

[D]

Can we make it happen again? No.

[A]

Mm.

[D]

I'm trying to remember for several reasons. I wish. Yeah, I'm sure I have plenty of Andy Dick stories that I have blocked from my brain.

[B]

I want to see in 2026. I want to see just Joe Rogan and Andy Dick sharing a stage together. I want to see what that would be. Coming up with comedy gold on that stage.

[D]

A lot of wisdom would be dropped before going on stage and not dropping any wisdom.

[B]

Floored. Littered with wisdom.

[C]

Janet, it's a new year. How do you feel about riddles? Are you still into riddles, Janet?

[D]

Yeah, 2026 again. I feel like reality itself is crumbling. 2026 feels like a perfect time to really lean in, embrace riddles with the understanding that at least I know, ostensibly, that it is a riddle going in.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

There's a sense of security to that. It's like I'm putting on the safety belt before the crash, because at least I know it's a riddle. The rest of the time, I don't know. I don't know what's real. So I think this is the year. I think 2026 is the year to fall in love all over again. Or for the first time.

[C]

Yeah. It's like when the gladiators knew that they were gonna fight a lion versus, like, oh, the gate's opening. Who knows what's beyond there?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that what we're.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Excuse me. I'm here to fight a line for her.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[D]

Get in the back, buddy. All the way to the back.

[B]

We've been waiting.

[C]

Sir, please stop stabbing those tents. Well, let's get into some riddles here. I have our very first one. Jpc. Aaron, are we still on? We still on board with riddles?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would it matter if I wasn't? I guess it's my big question.

[C]

I hate to say that there's another Aaron who would be willing to do riddles. Aaron.

[A]

Hot dogs.

[C]

And Aaron, that's not a threat. That's just letting you know we do have backup.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And, Aaron, we do. Technically, legally, just for posterity. We do need your consent before we start giving you riddles, so you do have to. Just an affirmative of some sort.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

Aaron Sand. Come on, come on.

[C]

And Grok. Put Aaron's voice in a bikini.

[A]

Oh, my God. Honestly, I would rather my likeness and my voice be used by AI than jpc. Super bad for the environment.

[C]

Did you know it takes a thousand gallons of water for JPC to press a button?

[B]

And that water can never be used for anything else.

[A]

I know. Isn't that crazy?

[C]

After I'm done with it, well, it becomes Mountain Dew. Code Skull.

[A]

You know what? I actually am totally on board with riddles.

[C]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

I actually have a great attitude.

[C]

That's perfect, Aaron, because this should be a walk in the park. A man looks out of a window. He is desperate to open it, yet he knows this would kill him.

[A]

Why did I call my shot submarine?

[C]

Aaron, you somehow called your shot.

[D]

She's a witch.

[C]

He is in a submarine, suffering from claustrophobia.

[D]

I would like to see on an airplane.

[C]

He could also be on an airplane.

[D]

Absolutely underwater.

[A]

You guys, Am I crazy? That's crazy.

[D]

First one.

[C]

Aaron, you're so good at riddles that you are starting to have Premonitions? This is like Mothman prophecies. You're starting to have visions about future answers to future riddles.

[A]

I have magic powers.

[C]

So this is the year. Not only are we into riddles, but Eren can predict riddles.

[A]

Shadow, Echo, Glove.

[C]

Okay, I think you're now just saying military codes. Shadow, Echo, Glove. This is Echo Niner.

[B]

Aaron tried to activate the Winter Soldier over there.

[A]

Did it work?

[B]

Yeah, probably. I knew the Winter Soldier right in.

[C]

Aaron, did you actually want to see a scene or.

[A]

No. I mean, the scene I wanted to see, I saw earlier. It isn't that crazy.

[C]

Did you want to call a scene now? For what? The answer to the next riddle will be.

[D]

Love this.

[B]

You should definitely do that.

[D]

Love this.

[A]

Okay, I'd like to see a scene. Janet, you are a banker.

[D]

Of course I am.

[A]

And Adol, you are trying to get some money out of the bank. And Janet, you already spent his money, so you're trying to get him to change his mind. Yes.

[D]

Welcome to my room. And I understand you're interested in making withdrawal from the piggy bank that you have been making deposits into.

[C]

Yes. I've been consulting with a lot of financial advisors and they told me that this was the stupidest thing I've ever done to put my money in a piggy bank. But you were selling lemonade. You had a trustworthy face, and I just want to sort of get that money back.

[D]

Yeah, and I want to apologize. I also burned my tongue from that hot lemonade, so that's actually why I sound like this now. Oh, got you. But, yeah. How much would you like to withdraw today, sir?

[C]

I'll take all of it. I believe it was $38,000.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, and this is a. Your room. Is. Is this a Range Rover?

[D]

It's a Range Rover made out of diamonds.

[C]

Oh, that is bonkers. Yeah, but that must have cost way more than.

[D]

I inherited it. I inherited it. I inherited it. So we don't. I don't know how familiar you are with the banking system, but we don't have access to that amount of. I know that it looks like a physical thing should be inside this piggy bank, but that's sort of an existential piggy bank. And so I'm not able to access most to all of your money today.

[C]

So you're saying like, bank vaults are just sort of for display?

[D]

Bank vaults are for display only. That's correct. So if you wouldn't mind leaving.

[C]

Fair enough.

[D]

I actually have an appointment I'm getting.

[A]

Hey, I got a delivery for a Rainbow Pony. $200,000. Rainbow Pony.

[C]

What the.

[D]

I can't believe it's here. That came so fast. I just ordered it yesterday.

[A]

Yeah, you wanted it online. It said dead or alive, so that's okay, right?

[C]

Oh, okay. I'm gonna go downstairs. Excuse me, sir.

[B]

Yes. Yes, I might help you.

[C]

Oh, I guess it runs in the family. Hot lemonade?

[B]

No, no, the. No, thank you.

[D]

That man is a stranger to me.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

I've had my fill of hot lemonade.

[A]

Did I do it, Adel? Did I get it?

[C]

Let's see. What kind of lemonade.

[A]

Yeah, never mind.

[B]

Magic of lemonade.

[D]

Babe, I'm gonna say right now, I predict that through the course of this episode, there will be a moment in which some piece of that scene we will be like, oh, shit. Actually, yeah, like, it may not be as literal as we think, but I think it's coming. I think I believe in Aaron's magical powers.

[A]

Thank you for believing in me always.

[D]

Here's a rainbow pony we have been missing. I don't know. Did I kiss you? Did the rainbow pony kiss you? Did I kiss the rainbow pony?

[C]

Did JPC give you my.

[A]

Anyway, you slice that cake. I'm having a piece.

[D]

Great.

[C]

My Aunt Elise insisted on taking me to my local pub, but almost immediately the landlady told her to get out. The landlady is generally very fair and open minded. So why did she do that?

[A]

Because you're a kid.

[B]

You can take kids to pubs.

[C]

Well, she told my Aunt Elise to go.

[D]

Could you. Could you do that again in a British accent? It troubles me that you're saying pub and you're not using a British accent.

[C]

Yeah, and my Aunt Elise insisted.

[D]

I'm so sorry, Aunt.

[C]

Oh, my aunt. Aunt insisted on taking me to my local pub, but almost immediately the landlady told her, get out. Isn't it lost? Fuck off. Right.

[A]

The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain.

[D]

I think she's got it. I think she's got it.

[B]

Okay. Did. Did Aunt Elise bring you to this pub? And it was, like, closed. She like, broke in after hours and the landlady, like, was like, get the fuck out of here. You're breaking into the pub.

[C]

That's a great guess. That is incorrect.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

I don't.

[D]

What. Why do we know that the landlady has anything to do with the pub at all?

[A]

Like, what are.

[C]

What.

[D]

What do we think the relationship to the pub the landlady has? Because that. That doesn't mean anything to me. The landlady.

[C]

We can replace landlady with owner or bartender.

[B]

Okay, I was assuming it was like an actual public house. Where could we replace her with AI Upstairs? Yeah.

[C]

Yes, no, and yes.

[A]

I was pregnant. That's a good guess.

[D]

That's a good medical guess.

[A]

Did she not pay her tab?

[C]

No, she is. She's squared away. Okay, I wouldn't say she squared away.

[D]

The kid was a good guess, too. Aaron.

[C]

Wait, what was your guess?

[A]

I guess that she was pregnant.

[C]

Ooh, that is a good guess.

[B]

Is the person saying, it's like my Aunt Elise Is Aunt Elise. Is she like a gun owner? And she's like, this is my niece and it's a gun and she's trying to bring a gun into the pub.

[C]

I'm not even gonna respond.

[A]

A gun wearing a wig.

[D]

Wait a minute, hold on.

[B]

The niece or nephew is not getting kicked out, but Aunt Elise is. Is that part of it?

[A]

The noose or. New few?

[C]

Nephew? Yeah. In Britain they call them no new.

[B]

F.

[A]

Open a book.

[D]

JPC's 75% better.

[B]

He's a bit of a new fist, isn't he?

[D]

No. I knew. I know. I was the one who insisted you say aunt instead of aunt, but I'd like to revise that and say that the ant is an actual insect. My Aunt Elise wanted me to go to a pub, and then when Aunt Elise came in, they were like, we hate ants. No, get out. Insect you.

[A]

Do you know, I could cry. So 70 times my body weight. Do you want me to see me do it?

[C]

I do want to see it.

[D]

She's already done. Get her out of here.

[C]

I want to see a scene. This is a bar for insects. Jpc, you are the bartender. Janet and Aaron, you are two patrons entering for the first time.

[B]

Hey, what'll it be? I know I'm making eye contact with both of you. It can be confusing, but it's both of you.

[A]

There's a lot of barflies in here.

[D]

I'll say.

[B]

All right, do you want to drink or what? What's going on?

[A]

Could I have some pollen and baby?

[C]

What do you want?

[A]

Do you have any, like, two week old spilled soda?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that sounds good.

[D]

That's just been sitting somewhere under someone's bed for a while.

[B]

All right, all right, all right. Let's see them. Let's see the IDs.

[A]

And two shots of piss. Oh, I've been asked for my ID in so long.

[D]

Flattering. This is so flattering.

[A]

Looks at my little bug pockets, huh?

[D]

I also. I usually keep my ID under my wing.

[A]

Yeah, that's correct, baby. It looks like maybe we dropped our IDs. Oh, brother. Guess you're just gonna have to take our word for. For it.

[B]

Look, look. You got to be four days old to drink at this bar. There is no way the twos of you are four days old. No way.

[D]

Honey, I've laid 5,000 eggs. You think I'm. I'm less than four days old? That's so sweet. That's so sweet.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

You don't even look like you could have 5,000 eggs.

[A]

Hey.

[D]

Oh, here we go. That's my bug wife wasp you looking at? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[A]

Rubbing hands together like an insect. Ooh. Say it one more time. What, are you gonna barf on me one more time? Barf.

[B]

Jeff, I'm doing you a favor. I think these are kids. Yep.

[C]

Seed.

[A]

Seed scene. Oh, man.

[C]

So, jpc, what did you say there at the end? Huh?

[A]

They're kids. Didn't I say that at the beginning?

[B]

I said that again.

[D]

That was your first guess.

[C]

Your first guess was that she was a kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I didn't hear that.

[A]

Oh, my God. No, it's okay. I. Gpc. You get one more. One more the whole episode.

[B]

Okay, great, great.

[A]

GPC.

[C]

Yes, that's right. Yeah. Elise is only 10 years old. So sometimes, in rare instances, your aunt or uncle can actually be younger than you.

[D]

I don't even know if that's. It's that rare anymore.

[B]

Oh, you said that she brought a kid. You didn't say that the aunt was a kid, Right?

[A]

I thought I did.

[C]

The aunt is a kid. I thought you said something about her being pregnant.

[D]

Oh, no, that was why I said that out. The very first thing she said was she's a kid.

[B]

I thought you were saying that she.

[A]

Brought a kid, but I think I said both.

[B]

Aunt can be a kid. Okay.

[A]

I don't know though. Yeah.

[C]

Says Elise is only 10 years old. I would probably guesstimate that when Janet played that piggy banker that was like a 10 year old kid.

[A]

Yeah. That you were expecting to be an adult.

[C]

So I think your premonitions are still alive and well.

[A]

Okay, Well, I accept your apology then.

[B]

That means you have to call another scene and make another premonition because you're two for two now.

[A]

Wom's eating bread in her weird way. I'm carbo loading. Okay, I would like to see a scene. Jpc. Yes, you are. Sourdough starter and adol. You're getting really into making bread and your sourdough starters, like, starting to be a Little bossy and have a mind of its own.

[C]

Okay. Put in flaxseed. Is that right? No. Okay, let's go back to the recipe here. All right.

[B]

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

[C]

Come on, man. Just not today. Not today.

[B]

Are you. What are you trying to make?

[C]

Don't. Please don't start this. Please.

[B]

I'm just asking questions, man. What are you trying to make?

[C]

Trying to make cinnamon rolls.

[B]

Nah, Sourdough cinnamon rolls. Come on, May, Give me a break. I don't want to be that.

[C]

Well, it's not up to you. I mean, you still remain you. And then I just pull off little.

[B]

Chunks to use, and they're my little chunks. If you want access to some of my best chunks, you can start making bread that I like to make.

[C]

I just.

[B]

I can give you bad chunks.

[C]

I prefer you just stop saying chunks. This. Yesterday I got really sick. I think if you could just refer to as, like, bits or pieces.

[B]

The chunks. That's your words. And I got plenty of dough, and I got plenty of sour. And the next chunk you pinch off make cinnamon rolls, I'm gonna make sure it's all sour.

[C]

Do you have, like, relatives you can stay with or, like.

[B]

You're my only family man. You made me.

[C]

Okay, well, I got you from a friend. Do you remember Todd? Remember about three years ago, I got you from Todd.

[B]

He died. To me.

[C]

Do you talk to him still, or can you talk to other pieces or chunks of yourself?

[B]

Yeah, we talk.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Can I be honest with you?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Dad fucks the dough.

[C]

I'm gonna have to throw you away.

[A]

Scene.

[D]

No one's gonna call scene.

[A]

You don't want to let them live in that. We could have had another 40 minutes of that scene. And you're just ending it.

[C]

Does JPC clip Janet saying scene no one's gonna call scene? I think we can get some mileage out of that.

[B]

Yeah, that's definitely. We could use a lot of that, you guys.

[D]

Really quick. Really, really quick. I'm so sorry. I do hate to get out in front of a riddle and not allow you to say it, because I know we're super into riddles now, but we have to be. This. That scene reminded me of when I was in college. I had two roommates. My friend Torn, my friend Jen. I've known them both my whole life. He, Torrin, was an early adopter into, like, a lot of kind of, like, really fun granola, hippie, dippy stuff, because his dad was, like, very earthy. And when I was in college years ago, Toren announced to us that he was growing something called a kombucha mushroom in a cabinet of our apartment and that it had a lot of healthy curative qualities. And this is like, 10 years before anyone heard of kombucha. And it smelled really, really bad. And I know that comes as a shock. It was just this flibbery. Like, I don't know what I have to create a new word to describe this. It was like in a metal mixing bowl, and the whole top of it was just a rubbery thing. That, I guess, was the mushroom. Yes. And there was a time. There came a time when Jen and I were lightly bickering in the kitchen, and Torrin came in and legit said in an earnest way, guys, please don't argue in front of the mushroom. Like, it's gonna get. It's gonna pick up those bad vibes.

[C]

Oh, boy. I can picture him wearing those shoes with, like, individual toes.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

I would say he was wearing the closest to which is Teva's.

[B]

Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

[D]

Also one of the best human beings ever. If he ever finds I told the story, he knows it came with. In the spirit of absolute love and disgust at what he was doing.

[C]

Don't fight in front of the kombucha mushroom.

[B]

Does anyone. Does anyone sing to their plants or do anything like that? Because some people are very big on the. Like, plants pick up on vibes. And, you know, I mean, I talk.

[D]

To them when I'm watering them.

[C]

What do you talk about?

[D]

Do you ask, why do I have so many of you? How could I ever. This takes me such a long time. It takes such a long time to go through and carefully water each one of you and test to see if your soil is dry. So I guess I guilt trip like a mom.

[B]

I have a lot of plants, and all of my plants are thriving. And whenever people come over, they're like, God, how does your monstera so big. How are your plants thriving? To. With people? I say, like, oh, I sing to them. I sing to them when I. And I don't do that, but the plants can hear me say that I do that. So I think my plants and I have the same sense of humor where they're like, he's fucking with another person. He's fucking with another person. They don't want songs. They want me to, like, fuck with people. So I think that that's. I think that's me and my plants are on the same wavelength.

[D]

Beautiful.

[A]

The. I just. No one sings to me to nurture me to make sure I grow. Think of how much I'd be thriving if any of you called me and sang a little tune. My hair starts growing.

[D]

Well, there's a special song for each thing that you need. Oh, your teeth are getting wider. Ooh, Guys, stop.

[A]

It hurts.

[B]

Aaron, I'm putting a reminder in my task list to sing call you and sing three songs. Don't pick up. If you see me calling. Please do not pick up, because I'm going to.

[D]

You know what? I'm going to do the same thing. I think we should have it be a voicemail.

[B]

No, Aaron, it's going to have to be a voicemail because I want you.

[A]

To be like, oh, no, my voicemail box is full.

[B]

Why does that not surprise me at all?

[A]

It has been since, like, 2013. I've tried three times.

[B]

What did you do? If a doctor calls you, wants to.

[A]

Leave a message, they say they end up emailing me. Being like, your voicemail box was.

[C]

Hi. This calls for. Aaron, you're dying. My name is Ryan Johnson. I'm a director. I wanted you for the lead for Brick two, but I r y a n different guy.

[D]

Don't fall for it. Don't fall for it.

[A]

What if I wanna.

[B]

Okay, I guess it could be a voice memo. I guess it could be Aaron, if you get a couple of voice memos. And I'm gonna try to make them songs that you really enjoy, okay?

[A]

Oh, wait, guys, I'm sorry. I'm getting a phone call. Give me one second.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Hello?

[D]

Tail as old as time as it can be.

[A]

Sorry, guys.

[D]

I gotta take this into my doctor. Mailbox was full, but you're full of shit. And you're overdue for an exam.

[A]

I'm growing. All right, love you. Call you later. Bye. Oh, she hung up.

[D]

I did. I did.

[A]

Wow. Jada Vardy hung up on me. Tell everyone.

[D]

Well, your voicemail box, I'll never know if it was full. I'll never know if it was full.

[A]

Oh, I'm getting another call. Hello, this is Aaron speaking.

[B]

Tale as old as time.

[A]

How did you get this number?

[B]

You have diabetes. Type 2 diabetes. You cannot eat candy.

[A]

All right, love you. Call you later.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

Who was that? That was incredibly exciting.

[D]

Somewhere, plants in JPC's house are dying. He promised he'd never sing.

[B]

Well, okay, I. I was gonna actually do it, and now I feel like I've fulfilled that obligation, so I feel hungry.

[D]

Yeah, we like to get it done in the moment. Then you don't have to. Then your to do list is just A little shorter adult. I'm so sorry. Did you have a riddle?

[C]

I have a riddle, but would you believe it'll be said after this break?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Break as old as break.

[C]

She's going for scurvy. She's going for speed.

[B]

Hey, Aaron. Adolf. Lovely. Good to see you guys actually really do not even have time right now. I got a jet. I have to, I have to go. I don't have time to kind of small talk or any of that. I'm gonna live underwater for a week.

[A]

What?

[C]

Huh? We all assumed this was coming.

[B]

I guess I'm just kind of non stop back to back this entire week. So I'm going to live underwater. It's just going to save me a lot of time because I'll be underwater instead of on land. So I'll be breathing the water instead of the air.

[A]

Okay, well, there's better ways to sort of save time. I feel like you're like eating a ton, like cooking so much for dinner and going grocery shopping and doing this whole rigmarole. Like we could cut that out for you. You could use Tempo.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta use Tempo. Tempo delivers fresh, chef crafted, dietitian approved meals right to your door. Jpc.

[B]

Okay, but let me guess. These meals are gonna be stopping wet because I am living in the water or that's probably more of a me living on the water issue than a the meals issue, right?

[A]

No, they're dry. And each meal is perfectly proportioned for lunch, dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast. It's not like a sad desk lunch or drive through or stuff that you're throwing together from your sad refrigerator.

[B]

Okay, well, can it beat the variety that I'm going to get under the sea? Because I'll be eating sand. Barnacles. Mostly just sand and barnacles. Does Tempo have those kinds of options?

[A]

Yeah, they got 20 new recipes each week made from nutrient rich ingredients. Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits so you don't have to eat sand and jpc.

[C]

If I may, some of my recent favorites from Tempo. Italian sausage Bolognese cavatappe with peas and zucchini. Okay, my mouth is watering. And I've also very much enjoyed their spicy buffalo chicken pasta with roasted cauliflower and sweet potatoes.

[B]

Wow, that sounds pretty good. But the other day I almost ate a crab. He actually ate more of me than I ate of him. Anyway, for a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to tempomeals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[C]

But don't take it from us. Take it from Knifey the Knife, who's a chef.

[A]

Bonjour. It's too late to introduce Knifey. That's too late. Maybe next time.

[B]

Maybe next time for Knifey. Adol. Aaron. I am in the dumps.

[C]

Oh, why you sad? What's going on?

[B]

No, I was trying to buy a lemon, but it turns out I was haggling with this guy trying to buy this lemon. I wanted to, you know, make my water a little more refreshing, and eventually I got home with the thing, and the guy sold me a bad car.

[C]

Yeah, lemons can be bad cars.

[B]

Well, I didn't know that.

[C]

Have you heard? Have you used Cargurus?

[B]

Oh, Cargurus. I know Cargurus. It's car shopping made for you.

[A]

Mm. With Cargurus Discover, you can skip the filters and describe what you're looking for in your own words. Simply type what you want, and Cargurus Discover instantly services real listings and match you with your exact needs so you don't end up with a lemon.

[C]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal.

[B]

Okay, let me just use it real quick. I'm going to type into yellow exterior, citrusy, lots of seeds inside. Oh, okay. Well, this is great, because with car gurus, you can compare cars side by side, check pricing, and estimate your final cost so you can navigate the dealership with confidence.

[A]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[C]

But don't take it from them. Take it from me. Honk, honk. A real car. Buy or sell your ne. Put the brakes on, sweetie.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail]. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R U S.com, carGurus.com Hong Kong. Get in, everyone.

[A]

Honk, honk.

[C]

We're going to the moon.

[B]

Hey, smells like lemon. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Bring out your website. Bring out your website.

[A]

I've got a website.

[B]

Oh, website collector. Oh, yes. This appears to be a very old website. Best to collect this and get it off the Internet. So thank you so Much. Here's your pittance, little child.

[A]

I'm making a new one using Squarespace.

[C]

Wait. Squarespace. The all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. That's Squarespace?

[A]

The very same. Get discovered fast. With integrated Squarespace SEO tools, every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in of your ideal customer.

[B]

Oh, yes. Every website that I'm collecting in my website cart is too old now to be a Squarespace website. That's why it's best to collect them all now and get them off the Internet.

[C]

Oh, get it off the Internet. Well, I mean, with Squarespace though, you can make Vidyas. Do you know what Vidyas are?

[B]

I know what videos are.

[A]

We're saying the same thing.

[C]

You can engage clients with your Vidya content on your website. You can upload and organize your Vidya, create stunning Vidyas, even monetize your Vidyas.

[A]

And with Squarespace collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build a beautiful professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business.

[B]

So if you don't want your website to end up in my cart, go to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or. Or a domain.

[C]

Extry. Extry Squarespace. The best place to make websites.

[A]

Squarespace is a website built. Why we're not singing.

[B]

No one's singing.

[C]

We don't know this song.

[A]

Adel jpc. You may have noticed my new diamond and emerald necklace. I bought it with the money I saved using Rocket Money.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Mm. I realized I was spending like $800 a year on unwanted apps and subscriptions. And then. Turns out I don't need to do that. Rocket Money canceled them for me.

[B]

Okay, Aaron, but this. I mean, this necklace looks really expensive.

[A]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[B]

Okay, I'm seeing a receipt handle in the trash. Can't hear. I don't think Eric wants grab your hand. She spent a lot. She spent a lot on this necklace.

[A]

The app consolidates checking, savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give a user a clear view of their financial picture. I've been using Rocket Money for years, way before they were ever a sponsor of hey Riddle Riddle. And I love how clear their communication is. If there's a big spend on my card, it will let me know right away. And it will also let me know what upcoming bills I have to pay. And I'll even negotiate lower bills for you. What a dream.

[C]

And for someone like me who hemorrhages money, Rocket Money can help set budgets and goals. I get personalized insights and regular reports. And I can receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm looking at Erin's Rocket Money right now, and she has a goal for a new diamond necklace. Aaron, this is too many zeros. Aaron, this is too many zeros.

[A]

It's like 18 zeros. What's wrong?

[B]

Well, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com.

[A]

Riddle I have to be honest with you guys. This is not a real diamond necklace. It's a bunch of bugs I convinced to be in a diamond formation. Still costs $100,000.

[C]

Pretty good. And we're back. Aaron, it sounded like you had a few doctors call you with a few maladies. Are you okay?

[A]

You know, probably better off than I was before.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think the more stuff that gets added to my plate, it can only improve.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Amen.

[C]

And I do think having doctors sing you your diagnosis, I think is soothing. Helps soften the blow, right?

[A]

Totally. Like, it's when you're a kid, when you are like, my throat hurts. I hope when I go to the doctor, I have strep so I don't feel crazy. That's sort of what's happening to me.

[C]

Hey, little thing. You can't have a children's zone.

[A]

Don't even try now. Okay. Love that you picked one of the hardest ones to do.

[B]

Can I. I don't think this is too gross, but I over the. Over the holiday, like, break when we were not recording. I think I told you guys last year. No, no, no. In 2024. It's like the end of 2024. I had like, a knee surgery because I had, like, a bone growth that I had to, like, get chipped off of my knee.

[C]

You said like injections right into your knee.

[D]

You said I had knee surgery. Not knee surgery.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My aunt got rid of me. Yes. It was a very minor knee surgery, but I couldn't walk for like a week while I was rec. They have to open you up and chip some bone off of your knee. But it was this little piece of bone that had been sticking out of my knee for 20 years, and it finally started hurting, and so I had to get it removed and whatever. So over Christmas break, I saw another one on my wrist that just showed up. And I was like, oh, no, this is. There's a little bump on my wrist. So I made a doctor's appointment. Whatever. Went to the doctor, and they were like, good news is it's not. They took X rays. They're like, it's not the same thing as what happened on your knee. It's a ganglion cyst, I think is what they call it. It's like, basically, if, like, you're. Sometimes it happens with, like, wrist injury, where you're. You know, your. Your wrist can, like, release fluid into your wrist and, like, forms, like, a little cyst. But they were like. I was like, what can they do? And they're like, well, we can, like, pop it. And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like. I. I was like, that's cool. I was like. And I could. I could, like, watch you pop it. And they're like, yeah, you could. Like, we're gonna. We could. We could do that just to see if. If. If cyst fluid, like, drains out, then it's fine, and it's just, like, a thing that might happen, it might come back, it might not. So I was so excited. Cause it was pretty big, and I was so excited to see them pop it. But then the doctor. They took the needle and they popped it, and a little bit of fluid came out. But then the rest of it just went into my wrist.

[D]

They were like, yeah, just like, here's what happened. Here's what happened. Jpc. There's a long tail to that. And JPC started by saying, I don't think this is too gross. And he started talking about his little chip off the old bone. And we were. Oh, a bone that's dry. Yeah, that's fine. You can talk about that. And then you worked your way into a super gross story.

[A]

Now, Aaron, you can't do that to people.

[C]

Now, Janet brings up a point that this was pretty gross. And, Aaron, I want to ask you, are you comfortable if I name this episode Resist?

[D]

No, Please, Janet, do you think that's too gross? If I may give you some advice.

[C]

Please.

[D]

Resist. Resist.

[C]

Resist. Wrist cyst.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Revisit. Resist. Resist.

[D]

Resist. Wrist cyst.

[B]

The systematic nature of wrist cyst.

[A]

No. You don't get to play.

[D]

You don't get to have fun.

[A]

You told a gross story. No, don't. Thumbs up. Now the three of us get to have Fun.

[B]

I wanted it to be a gross story. There was nothing gross about it. Like, it was a little bit of blood. That was all that was gross.

[C]

This is.

[B]

This is anti quiz.

[A]

You make me mad, you make me sad. You make me queasy.

[C]

No, clip that. Please clip that. Here's our next riddle. Speaking of being grossed out. A woman watched her husband plunge head first down a deep ravine. She returned home.

[B]

Oh, he's going down on her.

[C]

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's why I said it's gross.

[A]

Let's just be honest. We were 69ing TBC. That's your last one. You've surpassed the rule.

[B]

I already did two more. I did the.

[A]

Ooh one.

[C]

A woman watch her husband plunge headfirst down a deep ravine. She returned home to find him in the kitchen chopping onions. How is this possible?

[B]

Hmm. Headfirst down a deep ravine.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

They were at a water park, and then they went home and he made tacos.

[D]

They live at the bottom of the ravine.

[B]

Cliff diving. They were cliff diving?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Like it enough for it to be the answer?

[C]

Yeah, close, but no cigar. These are all great guesses.

[B]

Oh, is the woman Ms. Frizzle? And he got magic school bust. I'll take my answer off air.

[C]

I'll take my offer inside your body.

[A]

Hmm.

[B]

Headfirst down a deep ravine obviously is not, like, literal. There's something going on with head first.

[C]

Down a deep ravine in this case. This is one of the rare instances where this is literal. But there's something more to what's going on.

[A]

Does the. Wait.

[D]

Does what he's chopping matter?

[C]

Good question. No, he could. Let's say he's chopping broccoli.

[D]

Well, I don't know, because it was like he's chopping a head of lettuce or something. I mean, I would hate that.

[B]

Is it an actor? Is he, like, an actor in a movie?

[C]

Jbc. You are blazingly hot. You are Mountain Dew. Baja Skald.

[A]

He is a. He's a cameraman.

[C]

He is a stuntman. Aaron. Ding, ding, ding. Her husband was a stuntman, and she had been watching him at work.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene. Jpc. You are a stuntman, and we are your family. We're trying to have a family dinner. And you clearly got so hurt at work that day, but you're trying to play it cool.

[D]

Dad, can you. Can you quickly just pass me the lettuce really quick?

[B]

Actually, Dad's gonna just. Dad's just gonna sit in the old Barca lounger.

[A]

Roger, pass Mindy the lettuce.

[D]

Lettuce, dad. Not heavy.

[B]

You know, why doesn't everybody? Why don't we do this? Why don't we order pizza tonight? No lettuce, huh, kids? You like that? No lettuce. Would you just eat pizza?

[A]

The table.

[D]

Taco Tuesday is Taco Tuesday, Dad. Come on.

[B]

Yeah, but it's lettuce. Come on, why don't we. You know what?

[C]

Lettuce. Let us pray. Dear Heavenly Father, please help our real father. Not that you're not a real dad.

[B]

Roger.

[C]

I know you have kids.

[A]

Put your hands together.

[B]

Some people pray on the floor. I actually mean to get on the floor and pray. That's actually how Jesus did it.

[A]

Roger, come on.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Your son is saying great grace.

[C]

Please help our dad and heal him from all the stuff he does, but still make him a fun dad around the house. Cause he likes to do little stunts around the house and stuff. Amen.

[A]

And may I add, please let my husband know the time in his heart when it's time to retire when his body can't take it anymore.

[B]

No more passive aggressive prayers, Mom.

[C]

I'm on that prayer.

[D]

Get off the taco. It's a quick P.S. please let my dad know when he should pass me the lettuce.

[B]

Hey, guys. First of all, I would think that this was all fine if you guys didn't liar, liar me one week ago, and that was one of the worst days of my life.

[C]

You kicked the shit out of yourself in the bathroom.

[B]

That was for a movie.

[D]

You kept yelling the pinfire. We watched you set them ablaze, dad. That was not us.

[B]

Look, Jim Carrey said, I'm gonna beat the shit out of myself, but I don't want to get hurt. So let's have my stunt person do it. Which absolutely sucks. But that's work, guys. I leave work at work, okay? Home is for home. Let's just be a family. Hey, why don't we play a game, okay? Dinner was fun. Why don't we all play a game? Who can find Dad a pillow that's so comfortable that he won't mind sleeping on the floor today?

[C]

Ooh, I can.

[B]

Great. Thank you, Rick. Rick is the only one in this family.

[C]

While I look around the room for that pillow, can you tell the story of how when you stood in for Jim Carrey, you broke your left hand? And then Jim Carrey, during the break said, you're alrighty now.

[B]

Well, you pretty much just told the story, Rick. That is the story. Found one punchline at all.

[A]

You're wearing your blood red shirt, which you normally used to wear to cover up wounds that are actively bleeding. That's a coincidence, right?

[B]

I was in such a hurry to get home, they left a bunch of squibs on me. And so I knew that. So those squibs would be going off at various points tonight. And that's why I didn't change out of the show. That's why. If you see any blood on the.

[A]

Floor, do a cartwheel. Yeah, do a cartwheel or I'm gonna. Or we're getting a divorce.

[D]

Just a quick cartwheel, dad.

[A]

No big deal. Do a cartwheel while you're moving up tonight. Cartwheel, dad.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[D]

Cartwheel, Dad.

[B]

I have never been able to do a cartwheel.

[A]

Divorce.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Hold on. Let that be your mother's.

[D]

You guys are divorced now.

[B]

My mother get to say divorce?

[A]

I yell divorce.

[B]

I know kids don't get to say divorce.

[A]

I yelled it, though. I'm not the kid. I'm your wife. I've been your wife this whole scene.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Scene.

[D]

What are you talking about? Head injury.

[A]

He's crazy.

[C]

Can you imagine being at Christmas dinner and your mom says, I've been your wife this whole scene? What do you do? Where do you go from there? Do you try and wake up? Do you try.

[D]

What do you do when you kind of want to call out In a scene that I think it's alrighty then and not alrighty now and then you realize that's not the point.

[A]

Adol.

[D]

Misquoting Jim Carrey in a pun is not the point of the scene. Shut up, Janet.

[C]

All righty then.

[B]

Jim Carrey has a lot of those very quotable lines. Are quotable lines. Like, have they gone the way of the dodo doing those?

[C]

You tell me, gbc, what's the big. Tell me the big quote from Avatar? Is it probably like, I'm spider and.

[A]

I need to piss?

[B]

Can it be monkey boy?

[C]

They probably say that more than anything else in the movie, actually.

[B]

What's the.

[A]

I can't believe Sigourney Weaver plays a child. I cannot handle it in my bones, you guys.

[B]

The last line of Avatar 2 is no shit. That's really the last line. The last line. Is it really Avatar 2 is Spider going, no shit? Because they're like, you're part of the people now. It might be, oh, shit, but it's something. He definitely says shit. And that's the last line of Avatar.

[C]

Aaron, real quick, I'm going to read another Riddle, but we can edit this out. Eren, so you don't want any rules for women over 60 in Hollywood is that if Sigourney Weaver's going to play a 13 year old, if I need.

[A]

To cut, if that will prevent Sigourney Weaver from playing another child, then sure, I'm willing.

[C]

She shouldn't play her own mom in the movie as well. In human form.

[B]

This is the wicker one. They say that there's no roles for women over 50, but they're just like after 50. Now you have to be a child. You just have to like, you have to circle back.

[D]

Circle of life.

[A]

It loops back around.

[C]

Beverly d' Angelo is problem child. Okay, here's another riddle. Yes, I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How?

[B]

You're in space.

[A]

Water balloon.

[B]

No one can hear you scream.

[C]

No one know I like water balloon.

[D]

Do we know that it's like a real balloon? Could it just be like a thought bubble or like a, you know, like don't go. A balloon in a cartoon. That is like a balloon of dialogue. Now, I don't know how you stick a pit of that either. So goodbye, a little dialogue.

[C]

Oh, Janet slammed the door. She's getting in a pneumatic tube and she's getting used away.

[B]

Is it like a hot air balloon that already has like a big opening in it, so when you stick a pin in, it's not doing anything like you're sticking through the opening of the balloon?

[C]

Great guess, but that is incorrect. Here's what I'll say is that there's actually another answer other than the one listed here and other than hot air balloon. If you put a piece of tape, if you blow up a balloon, tie it. Put a piece of tape on a balloon and take a needle and put it through the piece of tape. The balloon will not pop and it will not lose air.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

So that's a little science experiment. Wait, what if you take a blown up balloon, put a piece of scotch tape on it.

[D]

Hold on.

[C]

And wear that. It's clearly a condom, but I don't.

[D]

Want to tell her.

[B]

But if you take the needle out, it will deflate?

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

Well, there's a hole in it went through the tape, though.

[C]

I think the tape does some damage control. I used to do this as a kid. And you can. I used to do it with like, there was like a little magic kit I had where you could put a pin in a balloon, but it had a piece of tape that the audience couldn't see.

[D]

How much did you pay for that? The kit was a balloon, a pin, and a piece of tape. And it was $75.

[C]

That was like $38,000.

[D]

Okay, well, that's on you.

[B]

Why don't you make the whole balloon out of the tape?

[D]

Can you put. If you tie the balloon off and you'd use the part of the balloon that isn't full of air, you can push a pin through it and nothing will happen. Just the bottom of the balloon.

[C]

Janet, you are getting very warm. I can stick a pin. I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How.

[B]

What's that little dangle at the bottom of a balloon called?

[C]

That's called the.

[B]

It's like the umbella.

[D]

Yeah, the balloon hole.

[C]

The butthole.

[D]

The butthole.

[B]

The butthole.

[D]

He said the butthole. The what you call it.

[A]

Oh, my God. Is your butthole not supposed to be freezing?

[C]

Aaron?

[A]

Dear God, give me the strength to navigate.

[B]

To what?

[D]

To quit this place.

[A]

What?

[C]

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far, far away from riddles.

[A]

Aaron, to what.

[C]

Now? You may not believe it to hear it.

[A]

Your God is not here, Aaron. He's never been here.

[C]

There is only Zool.

[D]

Aaron, be close and not be right.

[C]

I can stick a pin in a balloon without making a noise or releasing any air. How? Now, Janet, you said the little dangle piece, the little butthole. If you put a needle through that, it meets all these requirements. And you're absolutely right. But that for the full, complete answer. What's.

[A]

The balloon's not blown up, Aaron.

[C]

The balloon isn't inflated.

[D]

The balloon could be inflated. The balloon could be inflated. The balloon could be inflated.

[A]

It could be. Take her away.

[D]

It could be. I say it could be. What's this jacket? Why can't I move my arms?

[C]

I do want to see a scene.

[D]

Why are you putting a hang on your mouth? Why is there a cage over my feet?

[B]

Why are you rolling me away?

[C]

I'd like to see a scene. Aaron, you are a children's birthday party magician, and some of your act involves balloons within Trix and everything. Jpc. And Janet, you are two kids watching the magician, and you notice that she seems to be sweating profusely while trying to kind of get through her act. Here.

[D]

I paid this magician $38,000 to be here, so be respectful.

[A]

All right, everybody, I'm the great Amanda. Take a sip from flask. I'm going to make my wedding ring disappear. Now we wait. Now we wait.

[D]

What are we waiting for? You already made it disappear.

[A]

For it to come back out. What? I hear we have a birthday in the house. Are you a birthday boy?

[D]

Are you a birthday boy? Jared.

[A]

Jared?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's technically my birthday, but I don't. I don't want. I don't need any special attention.

[A]

For your birthday, I'm gonna give you a hot tip. Don't put any of your money in Bitcoin. Don't put any of your money in Bitcoin. Keep it in Venmo. Put all your money in Venmo. It'll occur, it will recur, it will get interest in Venmo. Put all your money on your Venmo account.

[C]

We cut to six months earlier. Yeah. Go ahead and have a seat. Amazing. Amanda?

[A]

Yep. This must be good news.

[C]

Let me use your terminology. Would you like to see a trick?

[A]

Sure. Would you like to see a drink? Your crypto investments dove comes out of my purse. What did you say?

[C]

I said, fuck. Do you want to see your crypto investments disappear, Larry?

[A]

Are you fucking kidding me?

[C]

The bottom fell out.

[A]

You're my best. Best friend from childhood. You said you got this.

[C]

I trusted Jimmy Fallon, okay? He said on air, NFTS and Bitcoin were a solid investment.

[A]

I gave you $14 million, man.

[C]

Okay? Well, it's gone.

[A]

Starts choking you across the table, kills you.

[C]

Back to the party.

[A]

You kids ever kill a man?

[D]

Is this gonna be a trick?

[A]

And then you bring his body to the river, but you can't. You don't have the upper body strength to lift him up and put him over the bridge. So you just leave him on the bridge?

[D]

Is this. Is this a riddle?

[A]

No, kid. No. Now, who wants to get me a piece of that cake that's on the table over there? I want the H from the Happy Birthday. I want the H. You were told.

[B]

Repeatedly that cake is for party guests only.

[A]

And aren't I a guest? Do I live here, bitch? No, I don't think so. I'm a guest in your home. Give me the cake, kid.

[D]

Something about putting that ring in your mouth made your words slur.

[A]

I used to have a rabbit. I used. It's not the ring in my mouth, kid. It's this thing in my flask. I used to have a rabbit that would pull out a hat, and guess what?

[B]

You didn't take care of it.

[C]

Don't.

[D]

Don't answer. Don't.

[A]

Don't tell us you don't have none.

[D]

I'd rather not.

[C]

All right, Seed. Is no one gonna Call scene.

[B]

I.

[C]

Picture there's, like, a pizza van across the street. That's a sting operation. And after Aaron says, leave a body on the bridge. They're like, just let her have this. Yeah, let her finish the show.

[A]

They just drive away. They're like, her life is punishment enough.

[D]

This isn't punishment enough. Absolutely. I like the suspense of the long pause after Aaron says, doves come out of my.

[A]

Yes. I didn't know what I was gonna say.

[C]

My balloon knot. Let's say my kind old aunt collects buttons.

[A]

It's an insect, a genuine anteater. The pet man told my dad. Turns out it was an aunt eater. And now my uncle's mad shelf's. Ever seen.

[C]

Okay, Shell's ever seen this? Maybe in the house rolled up. Probably Roaldahl. I guess my kind old aunt collects buttons, but even in an emergency, she wouldn't let you sew any of them onto a garment. Why not?

[D]

What kind of a button? For nuclear war.

[C]

Janet, you pretty much got it. We're go ahead and give that to you. She collects buttons from old radios, televisions, and elevators.

[A]

Okay, Weird.

[B]

I want to see a scene. So this is going to be a big, important dinner. Let's call it a business dinner. Adol. You have to give, like, a presentation at this dinner. Aaron's your co worker, and Janet is going to be your, like, boss, I guess. But you ate too much and you popped the button on your pants, and you are trying to get Aaron to give you one of her emergency buttons.

[C]

So I think in Q4 for my pants. I need a button. Hey, I. Stacy, my. My button.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Talk into the mic.

[C]

You know that ding that everybody thought was me toasting? That was my button flying across the. You know that ding that everybody thought was me clinking a glass for a toast? That was my pants button flew off. No, no, no. It's not sexual. It's. It's not sexual.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, I'm so full.

[D]

It's my bad. You are rehired.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Phew.

[B]

Everyone here at this dinner assumed it was sexual. When a button flies off of pants, we assume there's only one thing that could do that.

[A]

Yeah, your boner did it.

[B]

Well, yeah. Sexual desire.

[A]

I said boner, though. Listen, you're agreeing with me?

[B]

Yeah, but it's a work dinner.

[C]

I'm not gonna say I don't have a boner, but.

[A]

So he got. He's the one that got a boner at the work dinner.

[D]

Ma', am, you don't work for me. You are still fired.

[A]

Ah. Satan, don't clip that.

[B]

You got fired. And then you realize what the job was that you got fired from. And you were like, fine, it's okay. This sucks. It's a bad place to work.

[A]

Okay, here's.

[C]

Okay, Here's a long one.

[D]

Oh, good.

[C]

Put on your listening caps. Dave looked under a table and saw a hand completely detached from an arm. He looked over at Allen, and although his fingers and thumbs were in place and his hands were attached to his arms, he knew the hand beneath the table must be his clock hand on the watch.

[D]

100% watch, clock hand, Agree.

[C]

He stood up and punched him. Why? It is not clock hands. But you are.

[D]

Yeah, we started doubting that when you said he stood up and punched him.

[A]

Yeah, I realized I had said you have a watch.

[C]

Piece of shit.

[D]

No one wears these anymore.

[B]

There are devices that you can wear when you're at like a dinner that it makes it look like both of your hands are on the table, but secretly one hand is under the table. Giving someone a hand job. I can't remember what the type, what the name of the device is.

[C]

Remind me the website that you buy those on.

[B]

Oh, it's plainbrownboxdelivery.com. they just. They get you anything that you want delivered in a plain brown box with no marking on it.

[D]

Do they have a fake hand that gives the hand job so I can keep both my hands on the table? Is that also a device?

[A]

No, the real hand gives the hand job.

[C]

Doesn't want to put in the work. Interesting.

[B]

It shows what Ms. Hollywood. Hollywood's price point is. Some of us can't afford Hollywood.

[D]

Oh, I use. I use a stunt woman for all my hand jobs.

[A]

You're missing out.

[D]

Am I?

[C]

Dave looked under a table and saw a hand completely detached from an arm. He looked over at Allen, and although his fingers and thumbs were in place and his hands were attached to his arms, he knew the hand beneath the table must be his. He stood up and punched him. Why?

[D]

This is weird.

[C]

Now think about. So we talked about hands on a clock, which is absolutely the right train of thought, but you just have to think about what other types of hands this could be.

[B]

Hands on a hard body.

[C]

That would be at a table. Hands across the ground would be hidden or secretive.

[D]

Yes, I love that, Aaron.

[C]

And why someone, when discovering it, would punch someone?

[B]

Okay, so this is a hand of cards. The guy's cheating. He's got a handful of cards under the table.

[C]

Jpc, dead on. They were playing cards. The extra hand was a set of Duplicate cards proving that Allen was cheating. I do want to see his.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Oh, please, Aaron, please.

[A]

Is it okay?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene. Jpc. You are at a poker table and you are cheating. And you realize that you might be, like, about to be caught and how strong ADOL is, and you kind of regret. You're kind of scared that he might hit you or retaliate.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

So then I tackled Schwarzenegger, and I said, say it again.

[B]

Yeah. Did he. Jesus. Did he say it again or no?

[C]

He didn't. He looks pretty scared. Then I flipped over his car just so he couldn't drive home.

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

Oh, you're kind of far away. Let me grab the table.

[B]

Let's get in there. Whose fold was it? Was it my fault?

[A]

Fold.

[B]

Fold. I was the fold. Up to me.

[C]

Oh, you were raisin right before the story.

[D]

Excellent excuse, sir. I'm so sorry. The coat room is closing. You're free to continue your game. I do need to return your brass knuckles. If I could just slip those onto your hands.

[C]

Oh, sure. These old things. Thank you.

[B]

Yujaw. You just checked brass knuckles? That's what you wore for a coat?

[C]

Yeah, just to keep my knuckles warm because.

[B]

Yikes.

[C]

Base. Uh.

[B]

Oh. Oh, speaking of keeping my knuckles warm, I have to go finish Sonic 3. Oh, so.

[C]

So do I. Should we go to your place or.

[B]

Should we go to my place?

[C]

I have my memory card on me. Hey, you ever seen a man's skull get caved in? It looks like it hurts.

[B]

Yep, it probably does.

[C]

Oh, something fell out of your pants.

[A]

Sir, I am from the Guinness Book of World Records. We want to let you know that you won again. You are the strongest, strongest fighter in the world. Congratulations. Here's your plaque.

[C]

Oh, I bent it.

[A]

Ah, classic. We love you, man. We really love you over at Guinness.

[D]

Book of World Record.

[C]

Ah, shucks. Thank you. Oh, here, give me a copy. Give me that copy the hardbound, and let me just rip it in half.

[B]

Hey, you know what? Hey, excuse me, Guinness person. Is there a cash reward for the strongest man in the world or whatever?

[A]

Oh, yeah, we already wired that to him, so, though.

[B]

Okay, great, great.

[C]

Oh, sorry. I was saying something fell out of your pants when you stood up. Let me.

[B]

Yeah, it's fake, dog.

[C]

It's hard to bend down with all this.

[D]

Yeah, let's not.

[B]

Don't. Don't worry about it. It's fake, dog. Should I just do it because it's of flat? You don't want to touch that. What?

[C]

Yeah. Well, flat dog. What?

[B]

The dog can be in different kind of varietals. Oh, my.

[C]

What the. What the.

[B]

Oh, my.

[C]

You've been feeding your dog car cards. We've been feeding your dog playing cards.

[B]

Wait a second. You're cheating.

[C]

Wait, what?

[B]

Hey, is there anyone here that's gonna stand for this? Huh?

[A]

Yeah, he's really scary.

[D]

That guy could. I mean, he has practice. Knuckles on.

[B]

Okay, people, just because someone's big and scary, we let them do whatever they want. He should get away with cheating just because he's big and scary?

[D]

Yep. I mean, kinda.

[C]

You know what? I live by a moral and ethical code. I'm gonna do what Jim Carrey once did in Liar, Liar, and I'm gonna kick my own ass.

[A]

Oh, wow, he's doing it.

[C]

Can this go in the book? Can this go in the book?

[A]

Anything can go in the book. We love you, man. I'm telling you.

[C]

We love you, man.

[B]

We love you, man.

[C]

You're keeping the doors open, but keeping the lights on. We love you, man.

[B]

Interrupting a guy at a poker game to be like, excuse me, sir. You've won an award.

[C]

In the middle of a hip. Janet, you've won an award, which is the. Tell us about anything you have to plug. A Promote Award.

[B]

Sorry, Jada. It's a bullshit award.

[C]

We give this to one guest the week.

[B]

In some weeks, no guests at all.

[D]

I would advise people to go to sfsketchfest.com if you're listening to this before February 1st. If after February 1st, go to anthropology.com and buy yourself or somebody you care about something nice. They have real good sales, usually early in the year. If you want, like, a trinket that looks like a dog or like a napkin with, like, an embroidered dog on it.

[A]

A little candle with an embroidered dog.

[D]

A candle that has embroidered dogs on.

[C]

It's a lemon and a dog on the lemon.

[B]

Hey, to piggyback off that, though, this is also the best time of year to buy a Christmas tree, so do not forget.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

If you need a new fake Christmas tree, I, I, I bought mine, like, like four days after Christmas because I was like, we did it. We did a bigger Christmas tree in this house. So. And I got it for, like, 50% off. So it's like, if you want. If you want a great deal on a Christmas tree, don't. Do not sleep on that, Aaron.

[C]

Anything to plug or promote.

[A]

Check out quality time on Instagram. It's my monthly variety show, and it's a true variety. We have lots of fun guests, and I Love it very much and would love to see you there. Add on Anything to plug or promote.

[C]

Yes, I want to plug and promote the other podcast I do. Hello from the Magic Tavern. Also Gumshoes and Dragons and the Word association. Jpc. Anything to plug or promote.

[B]

No, you can still follow us on Patreon if you want to see any of the. Or want to listen to any of the live shows that we did in 2025. Those are all for sale on Patreon under our collections tab. So you can get, I think 24 bucks gets you all 15 of them, which is a pretty good deal. And I do want to read a review because it's been a while since I've read a review. If you want to get one featured on the show, just leave a five star review anywhere that you read reviews. This one's fun. I'm going to follow up with Adol and Aaron afterwards. But this one's titled Crazy good from house. MDMD House 1235, which is house of DMD House. Great name. But this review is crazy good. Just got to the AMA episode and I gotta say, I can't get enough of this show. Do you guys remember that we did an AMA episode?

[A]

Absolutely not. What are you talking about? I don't know we did on the Patreon or the main feed.

[B]

I don't remember where it came out, but I definitely remember that we did it. It seems like a Patreon thing, but I think it was like if we got a certain number of reviews or something. We did an AMA episode.

[C]

Interesting, huh? Have to go back and listen.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, hot dogs. No Jupiter. There you go.

[B]

Created by Adol Refai starring Aaron Sheenan and J. John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing. Emory Perrin did the music. Logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emeline Morris. I forgot. Hot dogs is for the. Is for this, right? It's for the main feed. We say hot dogs.

[A]

I think it's Patreon.

[B]

It's Patreon, right? Okay, cut that hot dogs in. Casey. Hey there. Live freeze and dies. If you like that, you are gonna love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of our state series with the state of New Hampshire. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyridleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or sorry, 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[D]

Hi I'm Drew Offualo. And I'm Dason Afualo, and we host the Headgum podcast Two Idiot Girls. Each episode we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating, horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgie you had once, or even a show you're loving, and anything in between. So you can listen to two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.