#395: Peep Impact

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle – Episode #395: Peep Impact (February 11, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively installment, Chicago improvisers Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan (JPC) dive into a quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle experience—whipping through brainteasers, comedic scene work, and unscripted tangents about pop culture, seasonal candy, quirky life hacks, and more. The episode subtly pivots off the concept of “Peep Impact”, riffing on the cultural and culinary status of marshmallow Peeps, but as promised, spends more time on riff-based bits than actual riddles—much to fans' delight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Candy, Minions, and Cultural Riffs

(12:00–17:00)

• Minion Language as a Cultural Touchstone: The trio wonders about the construction of "Minionese," the pseudo-language of Minions, blending it with jokes about wedding rings and restaurant menus.
  • Erin (12:22): “I want to get a ring that's engraved in Minion...Ish for my wedding."
  • JPC (12:27): "First of all, I believe it's Minionese. Sorry."
• Minions as Edible: Recurring discussions on whether Minions would taste like marshmallow Peeps lead to riffs on nuking them in a microwave.
  • Erin (13:00): "So if that's true, then putting a Minion in the microwave would make them explode?"
  • JPC (13:52): "I guess it didn't explode, but it expanded to a cartoonish point. And then obviously it was inedible because it smelled like ozone."

2. Seasonal vs. All-Year Candy

(17:00–22:21)

• What Sweets Deserve Year-Round Rotation? Grappling with candies bound to certain holidays (candy corn, Peeps, Cadbury eggs), the hosts debate which should go mainstream year-round.
  • Adal (18:36): "I think candy corn would be a perfect movie candy."
  • JPC (18:57): "If I'm eating candy corn, there's no way in hell I'm eating too much, because I'm taking one, being like, that wasn't very good. Maybe I got a bad one. Eating the second one and thinking, okay, they're all bad ones. I can be done."
  • Scene: Adal runs a "Seasonal Candy Summit" (15:37), riffing on absurd versions of candy for holidays (e.g., red, white, and blue candy corn; Cadbury eggs filled with fireworks).

3. Candy Innovations at the Movies

(19:26–21:21)

• Movie Snack Variety Boxes: The group pitches improved cinema snack concepts, such as a tackle box of candies and popcorn to keep cravings fresh through a film.
  • JPC (20:41): "What if it's one of those fishing tackle boxes, but there's a different snack in all of them, and there's popcorn in some and different kinds of candy."

4. Campaign Songs & Walk-Up Music

(7:40–11:15)

• Politics Gets a Soundtrack: Spinning off the Pete Buttigieg campaign’s “High Hopes” dance, the group speculates about required campaign dances and which current pop songs they’d choose for their own political runs.
  • JPC (10:17): "That's the top five right now...Tag yourself. I think mine's gonna be 'Ordinary' by Alex Warren. Because without knowing that song, that feels like a horrible campaign message."

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Riddle Highlights & Comedy Scenes

1. Daily Planet Riddle

(29:10–31:37)

• Riddle: What newspaper does Superman write for?
  • Answer: None—Clark Kent does.
  • Memorable Bit: They play out a scene of Clark Kent (in full Superman garb) awkwardly trying to pass as a normal reporter at the Daily Planet. JPC, as the editor (30:08): "It's such an honor to meet you. I don't know what you mean by...okay. You don't have to be sarcastic."

2. Film Tear-Jerking—The Shirley Temple Riddle

(34:00–36:49)

• Riddle: Why did a mother tell her daughter their dog died, then later say it hadn’t?
  • Answer: To elicit real tears for a film (it was Shirley Temple’s mom).
  • Scene: JPC plays an overzealous stage dad trying inventive (and darkly comic) ways to get Erin (as a child actor) to cry for a role, including waterboarding and faux existential threats.
  • Erin (37:28): “Did you see my tap dancing?”

3. Action on a Train—A Spatial Riddle

(55:31–57:34)

• Riddle: A car and a train are both approaching a level crossing at 75 mph, 100 ft away. Neither stops or turns. They don’t collide. Why?
  • Answer: The "car" is being transported on the train itself.
  • Scene: Erin and Adal stage a rambunctious train fight, JPC is the annoyed passenger in the "quiet car" trying to get them to stop.

4. Scuba Reunion—Silent Friends Riddle

(64:34–65:57)

• Riddle: Two old friends spent an hour together but didn’t speak, weren’t deaf/mute, and left on good terms. Why?
  • Answer: They were scuba diving.
  • Memorable Commentary: (65:57) JPC quips, “I think we have done this one the last six months,” poking fun at riddle recursion.

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Pop Culture, Life, and Tangents

1. Uber Story and White Supremacist Driver

(23:08–25:55)

• Erin (23:04): “My New Year’s resolution is making men regret talking to me.”
• Adal/Erin: Share harrowing and odd Uber yarns, including Erin’s encounter with a racist driver and sleep-deprivation tactics to avoid conversation.

2. Childhood Confessions and Parental Tricks

(70:41–74:56)

• What did Charlie see in the cellar?
  • Erin guesses Christmas presents (70:41), but the riddle actually involves a child locked in a cellar, who, upon opening the door, sees the rest of their own house—a dark punchline.
  • JPC (75:05): “That is super dark. Yikes. Ooh.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Adal (18:36): “Sorry. In that I feel like my skin gets real hot after, like, five [candy corn]."
• JPC (31:01): "Didn't even know that you could be hurt. I mean, of course you could be hurt, because you’re—well, you’re not human."
• Erin (72:11): "Well, as we all know, in opera...it's not over until the fat lady sings and this charade is over because I know that the fat man is Dad."
• JPC (13:52): [On microwaving Peeps] "It expanded to a cartoonish point. And then obviously it was inedible because it smelled like the ozone."

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 12:00 | Minion language and “Minionese” discussion (pop culture riff) | | 13:45 | Marshmallow Peeps, microwaving, and edible Minions bits | | 17:00 | Scene: The “Seasonal Candy Summit”—pitching candies for year-round holidays | | 19:26 | Movie theater candy innovations (mix-and-match boxes, nostalgia snacks) | | 23:04 | Erin’s Uber stories and the “men regretting talking to me” resolution | | 29:10 | Superman riddle and comedic scene at the Daily Planet | | 34:00 | Riddle about a mother faking pet’s death and Shirley Temple—plus stage parent scene | | 55:31 | Train vs. car spatial riddle; meta-scene with fight in a train’s quiet car | | 64:34 | The “silent reunion” scuba riddle and bit about repeated riddles | | 70:41 | “Charlie and the Cellar”—dark riddle about being locked in the basement; scene about confronting parents about Santa and secrets |

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Tone & Takeaways

As always, the Hey Riddle Riddle trio stays sharp and spontaneous—using riddles as privileged launching pads for improv, character work, and surreal everyday observations. The episode leans into the absurd (scenes about rival mobsters at karaoke, children locked in basements, an action fight with grumpy train passengers), all while maintaining a breezy, inside-jokey tone.

While the riddles cover familiar lateral-thinking territory, the cast’s joy in roasting and subverting solutions is the true draw.

• Erin (66:22): “It was new to me.”
  Their ability to turn a single wrong answer or stray cultural reference into a five-minute bit proves, once again, that it’s not about the riddles—it’s about the ride.

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Conclusion

Unlike many puzzle or variety shows, Hey Riddle Riddle’s strength lies in wringing comedic gold from otherwise trivial prompts. With “Peep Impact”, the listener gets a buffet of sweetly nonsensical bits, cultural commentary, and, every so often, an actual mystery. Even if you come for the riddles, you’ll stay for the funhouse that is Adal, Erin, and JPC’s chemistry.

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End of Summary.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Oh, man. Guys, great episode today. Great episode. I think we're done recording, though. So does everyone want to hang out or go back to our separate homes and crawl into our Helix mattresses or.

[A]

I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed.

[C]

I'm going to my Helix Sleep mattress to just warm up and get some z's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we all took the Helix Sleep quiz, which matches us to the perfect mattress based on our personal preferences and sleep needs and. And buying a mattress. Super easy, super simple. And we all love our Helix Sleep mattress. I love my midnight Luxe. It is so soft. But unfortunately, we're the same guy. We all took the same quiz and we got the same mattress because our bodies have molded into one riddle being.

[A]

It hurts. It hurts, but it won't hurt. You know, it doesn't hurt.

[B]

You sleep.

[A]

Yeah, I get so many compliments on my mattress. Whenever anyone comes over and watches Lou or everyone, they wake up and they immediately go, what is this mattress? It's a Helix Sleep, baby. It's a Helix Sleep.

[C]

Well, Erin, it's not just you and your friends feeling like it's a great mattress. A study found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress. Hey, I'm never going to use another mattress. I'm Helix Sleep till I die, baby.

[B]

Well, why would you? Because they have the Happy with Helix guarantee. You can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience. You're completely satisfied with your new mattress.

[C]

I've had my Helix Sleep Midnight Lux since I moved into my house. And I gotta say myself, my wife, our four cats, we all sleep comfortably on a mattress. We feel so safe and secure. It's so warm in these brutal Chicago winters.

[A]

Cozy. I'm gonna go back to back. I'm gonna go back to bed.

[C]

Yeah, just thinking about my Helix Sleep mattress makes me so comfortable and sleepy.

[B]

And you should all go back to bed as well. And by that, I mean by with the President's Day Sale. Best of the Web. This is running from the 2nd to the 25th. It is 27% off site wide and that is exclusive for listeners of. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. So go to helixsleep.com Riddle for the President's Day sale. That's helixsleep.com Riddle for the President's Day Sale. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com riddle but don't take it from them.

[C]

Take it from me. Helix. Hamlinkin. I cannot tell.

[A]

Asleep at the end. Introducing him at the end.

[C]

I gotta go.

[B]

He looks ham. Flinkum. Adol. Aaron, I know that the two of you have been so mad that they are not putting comedy movies in theaters anymore. Well, do I have a shocking declaration for the two of you?

[C]

Shock me.

[A]

Shock.

[B]

Okay. Shock you. Let me rub my socks on the carpet. I just saw Nirvana, the Band, the show, the Movie, and it is fucking excellent.

[A]

I'm in a what? Huh?

[B]

Okay. This movie is so funny. It's the first like mockumentary style film that I've seen in a while that was making me laugh out loud. Plus, it's. I will not get into it, but when the twists come in this movie, your jaw will hit the floor in a good way. In a way that makes you say, I have to clean up my jaw now. But I do like that it touched the ground.

[C]

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this the movie that Variety called It's insane that it exists. And fandom said gives no fucks. A movie you absolutely must see to believe.

[B]

Yes. You have to see this.

[A]

A comedic miracle says Sunshine State Complex. A comedic miracle. Jpc.

[B]

Yes. So the plot of the movie is they have a plan to book a show at the Rivoli, but something goes horribly wrong. And then Matt and Jay accidentally travel back to the year 2008. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have to watch this movie. It is only in theaters starting February 13th. Nirvana, the band, the show, the Movie. It is so fucking good.

[C]

I'm there. I'm there again.

[B]

Run, do not walk to the theaters February 13th to see Nirvana the Band, the show, the Movie. You do not have to be familiar with the show. Just go see Nirvana the Band the show, the Movie. You'll get it. It's fucking great. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them fish. It was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice Away.

[C]

And the horse's name.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Okay. I'm just going to measure your waist. All right. And neck size.

[B]

Measure twice. Cut once.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Hope you don't cut my neck.

[A]

Is this your first? Hey, Riddle.

[B]

Riddle.

[A]

That you're getting tailored?

[B]

Yes, it's actually for my cousin's. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I'm standing.

[A]

Congrats.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know where you are in the order?

[B]

Oh, Aaron ljpc. I'm second. Or third.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

I know. I'm not first, Aaron. Adult JP Mm. I have no idea where I am in the order.

[A]

Well, yeah, and then you're also buying a Hayward or Vidal. Are you standing as well?

[C]

I'm standing now, but I hope to be seated when I'm done, I guess.

[A]

That's lovely. That's lovely. You guys are going to look great. Well, this is going to take about six weeks to measure a episode exactly to your tastes.

[C]

I hate to be a piece of shit, but the episode is tonight.

[A]

Tonight?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I also hate to be an absolute goddamn piece of human trash, but I was kind of hoping that we could get that, like, we could leave the store with it today for the episode tonight.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Do you have, like, a off the rack?

[A]

Oh, an off the rack episode.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This one is a 34B cup size. I don't know if that is to your liking.

[B]

And you holding your face with your hand. Is that good for audio? No, certainly not. That would be bad for audio. Okay, gotcha.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I guess.

[A]

Should I get out of my store? Get out of my store.

[B]

Yes, that's fair. Is there a way? Should I speak to the back of the mic? Would that be more.

[A]

Okay. All right. Well, get out.

[C]

Maybe if I put my head around the mic, I can get some sort.

[A]

Of, like, throws worst hey, Riddle. Riddle episode ever out the door, shoves you guys out the door, you land in a puddle. Hey, Adeline. Jpc. Hey.

[B]

Hi, Aaron.

[C]

How's the bespoke? Customized.

[A]

Don't do this.

[C]

Hey, Riddle.

[A]

No passport.

[B]

Hey, Riddle.

[C]

Store going.

[A]

Obviously we're going under. Obviously.

[B]

Obviously we're going under like uncles on their wives.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Aw.

[C]

I was just gonna say, like, panic at the Disco. We're going down, down. But that might be Fallout Boy.

[B]

That's Fallout Boy. Damn. That is indeed Fallout Boy.

[A]

What does Panic of the Disco say? Oh, they say, what a beautiful wedding.

[C]

Have you ever heard of goddamn door or something?

[B]

What was the Pete Buttigieg song? That was the Panic at the Disco song. Do you guys remember this from, I want to say, 2016?

[C]

Is this high Hopes?

[B]

High Hopes, yeah. That was a song that I legit thought was Fall Out Boy because it sounds just like Fall Out Boy. And then someone told me it was Panic at the Disco, and I was like, well, I guess they really are the same band.

[A]

What does this have to do with Pete Buttigieg?

[B]

Pete Buttigieg had, like, a dance. His, like, staffers had, like, a very cringy dance to High Hopes because that was his, like, campaign anthem.

[A]

I hate it.

[C]

I really hope that all future candidates for any office have a dance.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's a Panic at the Disco song.

[B]

Well, I think you need to do a song and a dance. And I. And I think that. I think that that High Hope song was relatively new. I don't think it can be like an old song. I think it has to be like something top 40, something in the last year. But you have to commit to it. Every campaign has to do it so it's all equal. That's the only way that you get matching funds or whatever. The only way that you get campaign funds is if you put together your campaign dance and have all of your satellite offices do it now.

[C]

Jpc, if you ever ran for, I don't know, mayor of our neighborhood or something, shit city, what would be your song? What would be your dance?

[B]

Jpc, if you ever ran for, I don't know, governor of Idiotville. Have you ever decided to be the comptroller of Cocksucker Island?

[C]

Or are you watching the season?

[B]

Okay, well, hold on. First of all, I have to look up. I have to go to the Billboard Hot 100 and I have to see what's hot right now. Huh? Okay, so golden is still big right now. That is, I believe, from K Pop Demon Hunters.

[A]

If I was a baseball player, I'd walk out to that, okay? And I'd stop to every person on the way and go, have you seen this movie? It's so good, isn't it? Isn't it so good?

[B]

We also have. Right now we have the Fate of Ophelia by Taylor Swift from the new Taylor Swift album.

[A]

I'm all in on the megaphone. And then there's more lyrics after that.

[B]

Sure, after that one, for sure. I listened to that album once. We have Ordinary by Alex Warren, which is a re entry. So that one's just popped right back up.

[A]

You got me getting the ground there.

[B]

You hear it?

[C]

Alex Warren.

[B]

Alex Warren. I feel like a year ago we did that episode, the JPC reading lyrics episode, and that one was on there as well. So really not much has changed. Aaron, do you know Man I Need by Olivia Dean?

[A]

You're the man. I need you to say I, Dean.

[C]

Alex Warren. This sounds like attendance for a middle school. Where are the fun. Where are the REO Speedwagons?

[B]

No, it's all gone. And then we have choose in Texas by Ella Langley. That's the top five right now. So. I don't know. Tag yourself. I think mine's going to be Ordinary by Alex Warren. Because without Knowing that song, that feels like a horrible campaign message. Like the most ordinary candidate in the.

[C]

World, I'd come out to man eater, and then I'd start. I'd start rumors about myself that I was a cannibal. Oh, that I will legitimately deny. Aaron, Baseball song. Walk out golden. What about if you're running for mayor of, let's say, a petting suit?

[A]

We're still having fun. And still the one.

[C]

I like that. I'd vote for that.

[A]

No, it would be beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin. That'd be fun to dance to.

[B]

Coming to America by Neil Diamond. That's another one. It's got to be a classic for running for a campaign office.

[A]

I mean, my obvious one is what I did in Boston. It's Dropkick Murphy's.

[C]

They say beans, right?

[B]

Beans.

[A]

Yes. Boston beans. People saying Boston. Even beans do it. Let's do it.

[C]

Aaron, is there a way to make Minions? But they're from Boston.

[A]

I think they're kind of halfway there. I'm like, banana. Banana.

[B]

The Minion language is, like, a combination of, like, a bunch of languages. Like, there's, like, Italian and Portuguese in there as well. Like, it's. It's not.

[A]

There's no real languages in that.

[B]

No, it is. It is. It is like an amalgamation of a bunch of languages. It's not like, what is it, like, Elvish? It's not like Tolkien's language that he wrote for the elves. It's like. It is just a bunch of stuff.

[A]

Can you imagine if as much work had been put into Minionish?

[C]

There's a whole Bible of language.

[B]

Then Minion Villian.

[A]

I want to get a ring that's engraved in Minion. Ish for my wedding.

[B]

First of all, I believe it's Minionese. Sorry.

[C]

Oh, now I'm hungry. I could. I think, tonight. Gemma, should we order Minionese?

[A]

And for our second time, we have talked about eating minions on the show.

[C]

What is it about us and eating Minions?

[B]

Well, Minionese, like, Cantonese, is not eating cantons.

[A]

The blowback we got for implying that Minions would be savory was like, nothing we've ever experienced. Everyone's like, I think a minion would.

[B]

Taste like a peep.

[A]

I don't know. I think there's meat.

[C]

So if that's true, then putting a minion in the microwave would make them explode. Is that what we're saying?

[B]

Does that happen with Peeps?

[C]

I want to try it.

[A]

Is that how it happens with people?

[B]

All of the things about, like, putting A thing in the microwave or doing a. Like put. Putting the. Oh, the candy and the Coke. What is that one?

[C]

Oh, Mentos.

[B]

Mentos and Coke and stuff like that. I've never done any of that. I think I've just taken a lot of that stuff for granted because none of it. I'm not a man who loves a mess and all of it sounds like a mess.

[A]

A name for your autobiography, perhaps?

[B]

I don't know that I would. I guess it's like if you were doing that to like a hated rival or something, you could, like, put a peep in their microwave. Put more than a peep in their microwave if it was a heated rifle, if you know what I'm saying.

[C]

In their microwave. Wink.

[B]

In a big wink. In a big wink.

[C]

I put a peep in the microwave before and it gets like real big.

[B]

It expands.

[C]

I guess it didn't explode, but it expanded to a cartoonish point. And then obviously it was inedible because it smelled like the ozone.

[B]

I was gonna say that's like a life hack of like turning 4, feeding 10 kids. Jesus. Taking notes.

[C]

Yeah. It's like Star the Next Generation where they. Yeah. Put a piece of meat in a machine and it makes like 20 replicas.

[B]

Passing the fish in the loaves and he's like, does he don't have a microwave? I have a cool trick. What? I have to wait another 1950 years? The fuck?

[C]

Let them eat Peeps. Well, we're not here to eat peeps. We're here to.

[B]

Are there going to be no peeps? Wait, hold on. I'm just now learning that there's no peeps.

[C]

I do think peeps should be year round. I guess they make Christmas Peeps. Right?

[B]

And you think Christmas should be gross.

[A]

Guys, let's not pretend. We don't have to fake that we like Peeps.

[C]

I put them in there with, like, I genuinely like peeps because I like marshmallows. But I do put it in there with, like, circus peanuts or Cadbury eggs where it's like, I crave them and then I take two bites and I'm like, I never want to see this again.

[A]

Have you ever made a s' more with a peep?

[C]

No.

[A]

Me neither.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

But I thought maybe someone would. Well, roast. You can roast a peep at a fire. Is it because peeps watch it die.

[B]

Are like an Easter treat and s' mores are like a fall tree. So that's like spring and fall. So, like, if you had a peep left over, it would probably bad by the time you went to make a s' more out of it.

[C]

JVZ can I blow? Your mind peeps will last for 40.

[B]

Years unless you microwave them.

[A]

Adol, you are running the Seasonal Candy Summit just to sort of go over like the meat, like the year and what we want to accomplish.

[C]

All right, everyone, thank you. Thank you. Chocolates. Now, let's hear from our confectionary division. Barb, Alan, what do we have coming up for fourth of July?

[A]

Okay, I got this candy corn. Used to just be for Halloween.

[B]

Yeah, Alan, looking at the teleprompter and she's not reading any of the words that they agreed on.

[A]

Something else is three colors, Barb.

[C]

No, the flag.

[A]

Exactly. You said it, not me.

[C]

Red, white and blue candy corn.

[A]

Red, white and blue candy corn.

[C]

Yeah, we did that. Sorry. Brax did that in 1997 and they went bankrupt. Oh, but next slide, please.

[B]

Alan, the next slide is just like red, white and blue popsicles. What are you. I don't have signs for this.

[C]

What do you mean?

[B]

What are you doing? Help.

[C]

Okay, those are just Bomb Pops.

[B]

Yeah, you're supposed to go on about the history of the Bomb Pop so we can reveal the new. The new ice cream Pop. What are you doing?

[A]

All right. Cadbury eggs. They used to be filled with caramel maybe.

[B]

How dare you. You see the Cadbury delegation, a bunch of egg sheet people with big mustaches and they're like all up.

[A]

Stand up, flap the table, leave.

[B]

They all storm out.

[C]

Please.

[B]

They all storm out.

[C]

Oh, no. We lost.

[A]

But what if they were filled with a bunch of fireworks and fresh cut grass? Fourth of July, baby. You some Reese's shaped like pumpkins? I don't think so. This time they're shaped like.

[B]

With pumpkins.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Dr. Pumpkins, please, Professor Pumpkins. Sit.

[B]

It's Dr. Professor Pumpkins to you.

[A]

You know that Hershey Kiss commercial where it's like bum bum at em and all the Hershey kisses are bells? What if they were bells? What if they were hot dogs for the fourth of July?

[C]

You mean hot dogs. Now that I can get behind. See something.

[A]

Aaron?

[C]

I'd say once per episode. You say hot dogs.

[B]

You say hot dogs More than anything I've ever met.

[A]

Phantom Aaron says hot dogs.

[C]

The Phantom Aaron is there.

[B]

Let me ask you this question. To the two of you who are my friends, is there a seasonal treat that you think would be actually good to enjoy year round? Like it could have legs, it could have. Like it could have people enjoying it year round?

[A]

I've said this A thousand. Oh, Girl Scout cookies is really good.

[C]

Not really a seasonal treat, but they.

[B]

But it is seasonal.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I stand by my hot button take that people seem to not really like, which is. I think candy corn would be a perfect movie candy.

[B]

Yeah, that's hot. That's a hot button take. That's a hot button take.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

In that I feel like my skin gets real hot after, like, five.

[A]

Your skin? I think you're allergic.

[B]

I think it would be a good movie candy in that. I do think that every time I get movie candy, I eat too much movie candy and my stomach gets hurt. And if I'm eating candy corn, there's no way in hell I'm eating too much, because I'm taking one. Being like, that wasn't very good. Maybe I got a bad one eating the second one and thinking, okay, they're all bad ones. I can be done.

[C]

Here's. I think there should. Real quick, were you guys in World News during the Marla incident, or have you heard?

[A]

Marla incident.

[B]

The shellfish. The shellfish incident.

[A]

Did she have allergic reaction?

[C]

I'll just say it very quickly, which is one time in the green room for World News, our friend Marla, who's fantastic. We were just talking about food or whatever and about restaurants we'd been to recently or whatever, and Marla was like, I love shrimp so much, but I don't like that. It always sucks that your lips go numb. And we all go, huh? And she goes, you know, like, when you eat shrimp, your lips, like, tingle and go numb. And we go, what are you talking about? She goes, guys, when you eat shrimp and you get that tingle, and you're like Szechuan peppers, and your lips go numb, and we go, that's not a thing. And then someone. Shane. Or someone is like, I think you're deeply allergic to shrimp.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

I do think movie theaters should offer, like, a box that's, like, 1 5th Junior Mints, 1 5th Snowcats, 1 5th Milk Duds.

[A]

You can be the mayor of AMC. That is brilliant.

[C]

But I want a little. I feel like anytime I'm halfway through or a third of the way through a box of whatever I get at the movie theater, I'm suddenly craving something else.

[A]

Well, what if it's, like, one of those fishing tackle boxes, but there's a different snack in all of them, and there's, like, popcorn in some and different kinds of candy.

[C]

That would be amazing.

[B]

I know that there was a candy store by the. Was it the Arclight? That was by IO. And you could go into the candy store and it was one of those places where you could just get a bag and then fill it from those scoops of like any type of candy except they had branded candy. Like, it was like. It wasn't just like generic. It was like you could fill it with some hamnet peanut butter, M&MS. And some jelly beans. Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Did you say hamnet jelly beans?

[A]

Yeah. I was thinking movie themed candy.

[B]

Movie themed candy? Well, yeah, I just. In general, I think that like candy is just gonna make your stomach hurt because it's candy.

[C]

That's fair.

[A]

Not with that attitude.

[B]

The thing that I was thinking because I went to the store recently and I don't think it's a good year round treat. I just think that the amount of time that it is available needs to be longer. I think it should be an entire wintertime treat and not just a holiday treat. And that is eggnog.

[A]

Oh, I love eggnog.

[C]

Eggnog is so good.

[B]

I love it in like early January if you go to the store and they don't have eggnog anymore. I'm like, come on, guys. I mean, it's like people haven't even taken their Christmas decorations down yet. We should still be selling eggnog.

[C]

Yeah. Hard agree. Hard agree.

[A]

Oh, another Christmas treat I would eat year round is those like chocolates that have like orange flavor in it.

[C]

Oh, yeah, those are so good.

[A]

Yeah, the chocolate orange. Those are so good.

[B]

They used to sell those at Trader Joe's year round. I don't think they do and I don't think they have in a long time. But the ones that you would like crack on the counter and then it like splits into pieces of orange. Oh, I love that shit.

[C]

Last year I got some that had like pop Rocks in it. It was very good.

[A]

What, Aaron, what would you do?

[B]

You feed it to a seagull and.

[C]

The seagull will explode, but it'll die from the chocolate. Aaron, what would you do if you're at a theater and the trailers are playing and then somebody comes over from who works with the theater from concessions and they hand you a 64 ounce Dr. Pepper and they go, excuse me, ma', am, this is from the gentleman in H13. And you turn around and a guy kind of waves at you.

[A]

I would open the Dr. Pepper, pour it on me like flash dance and then wink at him. Next question.

[C]

And then watch the. And then sit there in your sticky mess.

[A]

My New Year's resolution is making men regret talking to me.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

I Need to give off an aura where my Uber drivers stop talking to me for hour long rides, monologuing at me. So I need to start acting kind of crazy.

[C]

They have a feature, hour long Uber rides.

[B]

Where are you going?

[A]

This happened this past weekend.

[B]

Oh, okay. Was it like an airport ride?

[A]

Yeah, it was an airport ride and I had to report him to Uber.

[C]

Woof.

[A]

He was a white supremacist.

[B]

Uber gets the report and they're like, our name's Uber. We're kind of.

[C]

What did you expect? I do like the idea of Aaron hopping in an Uber and being like, the guy gets the destination. He's like, zion national park, huh?

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I do. Like, when we were in Portland, every car I got into, guys were like, well, time for my monologue. Remember a guy read me his poetry?

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[C]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Classic.

[C]

I've been frustrated because the. There's a brilliant feature they enrolled a year ago, year and a half ago, which was like, you can choose whether or not you can put like, I don't want to talk or something. I forget what the exact phrasing is, but you can basically select like, I don't want a chatty driver. I don't want to talk to the driver. Nothing rude. I just don't. I just don't. If I'm getting an Uber from the airport or something. I'm just tired.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But I feel like anytime I select that option, they're always like, where are you coming from? What's going on? Da, da, da. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I don't want to talk.

[B]

Do you guys ever. I'm tired. I don't want to chat.

[C]

No. But I try and imply it with.

[B]

The voice because I'll tell you what, I got a 100% success rate for I don't want to chat. And it may just be like my face. But anytime I've ever. Which is not often, I've been in a situation where someone's trying to talk to me for a while. I always just say, hey, man, I don't really want to. I don't want to chat. I'm dealing with some other stuff right now.

[C]

There's been a few episodes we've recorded of hey, Riddle. Riddle. Where you did that.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I really don't want to chat. I really don't want to chat. I also once told them I've done it with a dentist, I've done it with a barber where I was getting a haircut or I was Getting a teeth cleaning. But I wanted to listen to a podcast where I went in there and I said, hey, I'm so sorry. I'm on a work call. I don't have to talk. I just have to listen. And then they don't talk to you at all. And you listen to a podcast and.

[C]

Then the person's like, are you on a work call with Jason Bateman?

[B]

Yeah, my work's interesting. Bitch. What's your work? Cleaning teeth. Fuck you. I also do the thing where every once in a while you like, touch your phone and be like, yep, yeah, Q2 can do. Yep. This is GPC here. I approve of everything Mike said. And then you just like, get fire.

[A]

All the hot people.

[B]

If you're over 6 3, they're looking for a new J O B.

[A]

This past weekend, when I was in that hour long Uber ride with the white supremacist, I kept. Because it was really like. It was like five in the morning, so it made sense. I kept being like, oh, yeah. And then like, nodding off. And he would intentionally go over to those that grooved pavement on the side to wake you up. He would smile in the Rumpel strips. Yeah, the Rumple strips. The Rumple strips.

[B]

Well, hey, Casey says that's insane, but. Casey, did you hear the first part of the story when he was a white supremacist?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nothing that he does after that will surprise me.

[C]

What did you call them?

[A]

Are they Rumple? They're rumple strips, right?

[C]

You guessed my name.

[A]

Oh, no. Rumple strips. Gpc.

[B]

Run Now.

[C]

I must take off my clothes.

[A]

Rumple Strips, please. We just want to sleep and drive my pony.

[B]

Actually, Aaron, why don't you clear the room and give me a rumple strip?

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Are you saying. Aaron, are you saying Rumple. Rumple strips.

[A]

Aren't they called rum rumble strips?

[B]

Rumble rumble, Rumble strips. I didn't know if you were saying Rumple rumble.

[A]

I'm trying to put a B in a B, not a P. Nice shot.

[C]

Rumble strips.

[A]

Rumble.

[B]

Hey, maybe they're called rumble strips. I have no idea.

[C]

I think they're called rumble strips.

[A]

Unless I'm being pranked by very funny people.

[B]

I told you about my rumble strip prank, right? When my little brother and I were driving to Florida and he was supposed to be in the front seat keeping me awake, and he immediately fell asleep, and I ran over the rumble strips and then jerked the car back onto the road in a fashion that woke him up. And I looked over at him and said, oh, my God, how long was I sleeping?

[A]

What did he say?

[B]

He said, I don't know, I was asleep. And I said, you were sleeping. And then he didn't sleep the rest of the time.

[A]

Good.

[C]

Smart, smart.

[B]

That's what you have to. If you're saying. If you're driving with someone, you're supposed to. If you're in the front seat, you're supposed to be keeping them awake. Nothing, nothing bothers me more than a fall asleep front seat driver.

[A]

You're not going to believe this. I'm the worst co pilot of all time. I get chatty and I forget to keep giving directions. I distract the driver. I'll fall asleep when I'm supposed to be awake. Never.

[B]

Trust me, that's like the full gamut of all the bad things. It's like you don't just pick one. I get literally chatty. I miss the turn and I'm like, where was I turning and you're asleep. And I'm like, oh, come on.

[A]

Truly, I've gotten that feedback time and time again and it has to be true. I have to accept that that is a part of who I am.

[C]

Japes. I'm trying to think. On our like two day road trip, did I. Did either one of us like sleep during. I think we must have.

[B]

We took cat naps, but we also were driving during the day, which is if you're driving in the light, it's a lot easier if you're driving like at nighttime with the express intention that you're supposed to be like keeping the other person awake. Like if you get a full night's sleep at a hotel and then you're doing six hours on the road, you don't need to stay awake for the other person. Like, hopefully they did that, you know, that calculus themselves.

[C]

But bright eyed, bushy tailed. Well, speaking of bright eyed and bushy tailed.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey.

[C]

Let's just not do this.

[B]

No, we gotta lemur.

[A]

There's still time.

[C]

Bright eyed, bushy tailed, squirrel away.

[A]

What if we just got in the car and go. What if we just got in the car and we went.

[B]

The thing about 25 minutes of warmup is. I'm ready for a riddle now.

[C]

Okay, great, great, great.

[B]

I'm ready for one. You know, let's go.

[C]

Okay, okay, here's our first, here's our warm up riddle. What newspaper does Superman write for?

[B]

Daily Planet.

[A]

Superman doesn't write for any newspaper. Clark Kent does.

[C]

You fucking fell for it, Aaron. You nailed it. Superman doesn't write for a newspaper. Clark Kent writes for the Daily Planet. I do want to see a scene.

[B]

He's the same guy. I know that.

[A]

What?

[C]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

I'm not living in the world where. I don't know.

[C]

I'd like to see a scene. Aaron, you are Clark Kent and Superman. You show up to the Daily Planet for work, but you had a long night and you accidentally show up in your Superman outfit. Jpc. You are her. Superman's editor.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ooh. Woof. Sorry, missed the train. I know I'm a little late. I will have the story on your desk by like 3pm absolute latest.

[B]

I'm sorry. It's such an honor to meet you. I don't know what you mean by.

[A]

Okay. You don't have to be sarcastic.

[B]

Aggressive.

[A]

I know I was late. I'm sorry I was late.

[B]

Oh, I accept your apology. And of course, I thank you. Can I. Can we. Can we buy you a. Do you drink coffee? I actually don't even know if you drink coffee. Could we buy you a coffee or.

[A]

I said I was sorry. You don't really need to rub it in and make me feel worse about this. I'm really sorry I was late. I know it's sort of a strike three situation. I promise I'll stay late. I'm going to get the work done, and I'm ready.

[B]

Am I making you feel worse? Is there. Is there kryptonite somewhere in here? Lex Luthor owns the building, so there could be kryptonite, like, in the walls or the lights or something. I don't know.

[A]

It's not okay. I'll look into it. You're really hurting my feelings. Okay. I'm really sorry. I'm going to go to my desk.

[B]

Didn't even know that you could be hurt. I mean, of course you could be hurt because you're. Well, you're not human. But I know that you're. You have. You must have.

[A]

Hey. Are you okay?

[B]

Man, I'm so sorry. I'm just so nervous. I don't. I've never. I've never in my life. I've never. And I never even thought to. Oh, you're not here for me, are you, dad? Oh, my God. Do I have to start being nicer to my writers? I promise, today, it starts right now. I will be lenient with them. I have this.

[A]

I notice my reflection in the window, and I see what's happening.

[B]

Been riding a lot lately. Clark, he's good, but he just. He knows he's good, so he doesn't try. And I'll be easier on Him. I swear, I. I will be so much.

[A]

And buy him lunch every day of the week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Applebee's. And let him get an app and a dessert.

[B]

Yes, I. I will. I absolutely. I. I can do that. I can do that.

[A]

And then take him to the park.

[C]

We cut to next week. We're at Applebee's. And, Clark, you did it again. Where you shut up as Superman. Hi, I'm Josh. Have we done. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I know this haircut's not great. Could we have a table for two, please?

[C]

You can have whatever you want. I AM so. Oh, Mr. Johansen, are you doing a expose on Superman for the paper?

[A]

Who said Superman? I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

[C]

Credit card was declined.

[A]

And also it says Clark Kent picked up the wrong credit card. Classic stuff. You know what actually punches that guy? Kills that guy. We gotta go to a new restaurant.

[C]

Punches that guy. Kills that guy.

[B]

Punches that guy. Kills that guy. I don't think Superman would do that. But if he did. Very funny.

[A]

You don't know what he would do.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

Superman's favorite food. What do we think? Does he have to eat? He doesn't have to eat, right?

[B]

He must have to eat because he is, like. He is a being of, you know, human esque. Like.

[C]

But doesn't he eat, like, the sun's energy or something?

[A]

I hope that's how people describe me.

[B]

Human esque does heal from the sun, or does he just. Does he get nourishment from the sun?

[C]

To me, that's one in the same thing.

[B]

Like, does he have, like, chlorophyll, like, plants? Like, is he just.

[C]

He's basically a plant, right?

[B]

Yeah, he's a plant. He's a stooge.

[A]

He's a plant.

[C]

Grows in the sun, dies in the shade. This dude's a plant.

[B]

If you don't have to eat. Like, is it like vampire rules, where when they do eat, it's like they can't really digest the food, so it's, like, nasty to them. Like, they don't want to eat. I guess that's maybe not all vampire rules. That's, like, some specific vampire rules.

[C]

Yeah. Some vampires, they eat and then they barf. They get real scary.

[B]

Yeah. Cause they're undead. That's, like, what we do in shadows. Vampire rules, I think. I can't remember. Yeah.

[C]

Splatter vomit.

[B]

Yeah. That would be a fun thing to put in a Superman movie. You just see him casually put some popcorn in it, then just project hell off and you're like, oh, yeah, that's right. Superman can't.

[A]

He gets sun poisoning from laying out too long.

[C]

Here's our next riddle. And this is based on a true story. A mother told her little daughter that her much loved puppy had been run over and killed by a car. The girl was overwhelmed with grief and burst into tears. A little later, the mother told her daughter that the dog was alive and well and that it was all a mistake. Why this charade?

[B]

So it was this little girl's birthday. Her mom got her a pinata designed after her favorite little puppy. She accidentally backed over that with her car in the driveway. Her mom also has gut blindness, which means she sees candy as guts and guts as candy. So she assumed that the puppy had been run over.

[C]

Scalpel. Oh, shit. I forgot. I'm a surgeon with gut blindness.

[B]

I don't know. Is that it? Did I get it?

[C]

Jpc, you're very far off.

[A]

Okay. What if it is? The little girl was not taking care of the dog and wasn't appreciating it and paying attention to it. And the mom was teaching her a lesson to appreciate what she has.

[C]

That's. I mean, that's just a great tool as a parent. Yeah, to. That's kind of like what JBC did with the rumble strips.

[B]

They say with teaching a lesson to a child, it's not about what lesson the child internalizes, it's just about the lesson that you were intending to teach. So that mom is in the clear. It sounds like she was intending to teach the right lesson. And whatever else happened is for the.

[C]

History books, I will say. So this is apparently a true story. And I guess the reason we know this is a true story is because this happened to someone of note. And I will say that this led to a successful moment. And some money.

[B]

And some money.

[C]

I mean, in a roundabout, I guess, at a. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Is this something that happened on a game show?

[A]

Is this a President's Kid?

[C]

Not a President's Kid. Not a kid game show. Jpc. But you're in the right territory. Oh, Lassie, it is. It was a film. It was a filmed moment.

[B]

Is this like America's Funniest Home Videos or some shit like that? This is a terrible, funniest home video. And unfortunately, I don't know how it happened. But the winner this week is Mother Tells Daughter about Puppy's Death.

[C]

I think, honestly, Bob Sagas doing the little voices where he's like, oh, no.

[B]

Bob, I think you did too much in the video. I think you had Too heavy of a hand.

[A]

I did just enough.

[B]

There were too many boy oing sound effects that really pushed it over the edge.

[C]

So this was a movie. The mother made her daughter cry and then told her. Just joking. This didn't.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

To get a performance out of the daughter.

[C]

The little girl was child actress Shirley Temple. And her tears were needed for a scene in a film where they couldn't get her to cry. So her mother did that. I do want to see a scene.

[A]

That's awful.

[C]

I'd like to see a scene scene.

[B]

Funny.

[C]

Jbc, you are a stage dad.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Aaron, you are a Shirley Temple esque child actor in the 1920s. When was she. When was she at the height of her 30s maybe?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And JPC, you're trying to. You're trying to coax something out of her that, that is needed for a film or a scene.

[B]

Great. Hey, honey, the drink.

[C]

Hi, daddy.

[B]

Hi. How's everything going?

[A]

Did you see my tap dancing?

[B]

I did, yes.

[A]

Animal crackers. Looping, loop. Looping in loopy. Honey, we're not filming.

[B]

Hey, why don't you here, open your mouth wide for daddy. Have a little. Have a little more heroin. Okay. Okay. Hey, you know what? The director said they love the tap dancing, but this scene actually needs a little bit more of a somber angle.

[A]

Oh, okay. Let me hand you this glass of water you need. You want to sip that? Yeah. You need me to be sad?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Actually, I brought over my own glass of water.

[A]

No, drink the one I gave you.

[B]

Well, I don't want to drink this one. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to put a towel over your mouth and nose and I'm going to lean you back in a chair and I'm going to pour this water on you. Nothing bad's going to happen to you, but it's going to feel a lot like you're drowning.

[A]

I think I can get there on my own. Ready?

[B]

No. Here we go. You don't want to sing while this is happening. Honey, you don't want to single. This is happening.

[C]

Oh, that's perfect. Action. Action.

[A]

Mr. President. Let's go tapping down the stairs.

[C]

I would do that with you, child, but I'm effortless. Fdr.

[A]

Dad, why don't you just take a sip of that water I brought you?

[B]

Hey, honey, Bad news. Your mom was killed by a ghost. Yeah, the ghost actually inhabited her body. So if you see her up and walking around, that's not your mom anymore. It is a ghost. And it's an evil ghost.

[A]

She jumps up with chloroform, covers it over his mouth.

[B]

Where was this? Where was this 15 minutes ago? Where was this energy?

[A]

I was trying to kill you.

[B]

I was reading about all of the. Oh, what's the woman? Judy Garland, who was in wizard of Oz. Yeah, I was reading about all the horrible things they did.

[C]

Oh, they pumped her full of Glyra.

[B]

All the drugs they pumped her full of. And yeah, it's seems to be that while some systems, you think like, oh, things have gotten a little better, especially if you look at where they were 50 years ago, 80 years ago. But then also it's not so great now. We're like, huh. I guess it feels like maybe we're just kind of on a doom spiral here, huh?

[C]

It's funny with wizard of Oz, where it's like, oh, what a great movie, a classic. And it's like, yeah, Judy Garland was pumped full of drugs, so she was bouncing off the walls. The guy who played the Tin man had, like, severe medical issues due to, like, the paint they put on him.

[B]

Which I think it was. The first guy that played the Tin man was like a. It was. They recast it because the first guy was like, oh, yeah, I guess we could.

[A]

Yeah. But I think the other guy had, like, lifelong health issues.

[C]

Lifelong health issues due to the paint on his skin.

[B]

Thankfully, the first guy died really soon.

[C]

The lady who played the Wicked Witch of the West, I think they said it took her, like, eight months to get that green paint off her skin. And, like, it was just the horrific conditions of filming where it's like, nowadays, you know, Jacob Elordi gets $35 billion to put one contact in. That looks kind of big for Frankenstein or something. Let's take a break.

[B]

Adult Aaron. I am so fed up with car shopping, I must be doing something wrong. Cause I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach, and I'll get to the checkout. And I'll say, also, I'd like to buy a car. And they say, well, no, not here. And I go, not here. Then where?

[C]

Jpc, you baby.

[A]

Jpc.

[B]

Tell me what I did. Because what I think I did is right. So what did I do?

[C]

You don't go to a store to buy a car, okay? You use Cargurus Apple, the new dealership mode. And it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you to similar options. See Deal ratings and price history and estimate your final price. That's right, jpc. It's everything you need at your fingertips so you can feel confident you're getting the best deal. And some store workers not going to make fun of you for asking for it at checkout.

[A]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana.

[B]

Well, I want to buy the banana. Oh, please tell me Cargurus will sell me a banana. You know what?

[A]

No.

[B]

I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using Cargurus. You can even use Cargurus Discover, a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think, using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and Cargurus Discover will give you real shoppable listings that match. It's a smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby. And they never go bad.

[C]

And I use the Cargurus app to buy us yanks off sheet a riddle mobile.

[A]

Ooh la lu lau loo loo loo.

[C]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[B]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail] Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's Cargurus. C A r G u r u s.com cargurus.com okay, so it looks like.

[C]

The riddle mobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good.

[A]

Let's just leave it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

It's mostly for show.

[B]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[C]

Hey, Aaron. Hey, JPC.

[A]

Oh, Adol. You're sounding a little eeyore y today.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's going on?

[C]

Oh, I don't know. My butt fell off. And also, it just feels like I.

[A]

Think it's his tail.

[C]

No, he's surgically removed.

[B]

He's molting.

[C]

You know, around this time of year that, you know, love is in the air and people might be married or dating or single and the truth is that most of us are still figuring it out, finding our way. And I guess, yeah, I do have a family, so I don't know why I'm sad. I'm actually pretty happy. But if you're not happy, check out BetterHelp. Does that make sense? Yes. You heard of this BetterHelp?

[B]

Yeah, Adeline, I think Aaron was supposed to read that part. But no matter where you are in your romantic journey, therapy can help you find your way and help you determine what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some pressure off of yourself.

[A]

BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US and BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You can also change your therapist anytime for no additional cost if it's not working out.

[C]

What do you think? Box of chocolates with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Having. Ah. Having served overs.

[B]

Ow.

[C]

Having served over 6 million people globally and it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. Stop eating me.

[B]

Now you say it. So sign up today and get 10% [e-mail] Riddle that's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Riddle Edel.

[A]

Your butt. You forgot it. Don't leave without it.

[B]

Hum.

[C]

Copyright oh, don't eat my butt. Jpc.

[A]

Don't clip it.

[C]

Hey, jpc. Hey, Aaron.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Yeah, what's up?

[C]

I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky, and I was wondering, what all is out there in the night sky?

[A]

Well, stars.

[B]

We're at war with The Pleiadians. What?

[A]

UFOs.

[C]

Wait, the Palladians? Are those some sort of aliens and rockets?

[A]

Which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing and then I forgot to cancel it. And I've been paying for it a couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, thank you. Please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[A]

Oh, big time, big time.

[B]

And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Pleiadians on our doorstep.

[C]

Now, Palladians are Paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our, I want to say oxygen. But with rocket money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Because you're going to want to save as much money as possible. So you and your family start to buy spaceship parts.

[B]

Plus, the app consolidates your checking, your saving, your loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight the Palladiums baby is for you. It's all for you. It's for the family. You can see that from your Rocketboard dashboard without getting overwhelmed, that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian bank account that you're using to fight these guys.

[A]

And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency a set it and forget it approach. So let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle R I D D L E.

[B]

They look just like us.

[A]

You say joyfully. They look just like us. I want to say oxygen.

[B]

Hey Aaron Adol. Lovely. Good to see you guys. Actually really do not even have time right now. I got a jet. I have to, I have to go. I don't have time to kind of small talk or any of that. I'm going to live underwater for a week.

[A]

What?

[C]

Huh? We all assumed this was coming.

[B]

I guess I'm just kind of nonstop back to back this entire week. So I am going to live underwater. It's just going to save me a lot of time because I'll be underwater instead of on land. So I'll be breathing the water instead of the air.

[A]

Okay, well, there's better ways to sort of save time. I feel like you're like eating a ton, like cooking so much for dinner and going grocery shopping and doing this whole rigmarole. We could cut that out for you. You could use Tempo.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta use Tempo. Tempo delivers fresh, chef crafted dietitian approved meals right to your door. Jpc.

[B]

Okay, but let me guess. These meals are gonna be stopping wet because I am living in the water. Or that's probably more of a me living on the water issue than the meals issue, right?

[A]

No, they're dry and each meal is perfectly proportioned for lunch, dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food, real fast. It's not like a sad desk lunch or drive through or stuff that you're throwing together from your sad refrigerator.

[B]

Okay, well, can it beat the variety that I'm going to get under the sea? Because I'll be eating sand. Barnacles. Mostly just sand and barnacles. Does Tempo have those kinds of options?

[A]

Yeah, they got 20 new recipes each week made from nutrient rich ingredients. Tempo keeps things exciting and helps you stay consistent with healthy habits so you don't have to eat sand and jpc.

[C]

If I may, some of my recent favorites from Tempo. Italian sausage Bolognese cavatappe with peas and zucchini. Okay, my mouth is watering. And I've also very much enjoyed their spicy buffalo chicken pasta with roasted cauliflower and sweet potatoes.

[B]

Wow, that sounds pretty good. But the other day I almost ate a crab. He actually ate more of me than I ate of him. Anyway, for a limited time, Tempo is offering our listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to tempomeals.com riddle that's tempomeals.com riddle for 60% off your first box. Tempomeals.com riddle rules and restrictions may apply.

[C]

But don't take it from us. Take it from Knifey the Knife, who's a chef.

[A]

Bonjour. It's too late to introduce Knifey. That's too late. Maybe next time.

[B]

Maybe next time for Knifey.

[C]

Aaron jpc, Good morning to you.

[B]

Good morning to you. Adol, my dear.

[C]

You know how I used to give my money to the squirrel in my backyard to tuck away for a winter's night?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, that squirrel ate all my money. So I've decided to use something a little more clever. Found.

[A]

Oh, thank goodness. Oh my gosh. It was so stressful. When you're giving all your money to that squirrel, this is so much better.

[B]

Yeah. Because that squirrel eats money. Money and Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. No more trusting the squirrel, who's a wild animal, who lives in a tree, who likes to eat money.

[A]

Yes. And it makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. Getting revenge on that squirrel.

[C]

And unlike the squirrel, Found has automated things like tracking expenses, finding write offs, and budgeting for tax time. That squirrel last year cost me so Much money during tax time.

[A]

Yeah, I know that's a headache time of year, the tax time. Just go to one place that is going to have it completely under control. Where all of your stuff is in one safe space.

[B]

And as a small business owner, AKA Tyrant, I love Found because it allows me to put all of those administrative tasks in one platform. I can get in, I can get out. Saves me time, helps me streamline things. It's a really great platform if you are running a business.

[C]

But don't take it from them, take it from me.

[A]

This is nuts.

[C]

No, take back control of your business. Today open a Found account for [e-mail] that's f o u n d dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member fdic. Join the hundreds of thousands who have already streamlined their finances with Found.

[B]

Aaron, that is not a squirrel. That is Richard Kind in a squirrel costume. He is eating adoles money.

[C]

I used to live with George Clooney. And we're back. And Aaron, you were telling us that you were a child actor, which I guess I didn't know about.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What were some of the films or shows you were in?

[A]

Well, it would have been like the 1950s. I was in some of Elvis's early work, like Jailhouse Rock. Oh, wow. Uh huh. Mm.

[C]

Who were you in Jailhouse Rock?

[A]

I was Elvis. Oh, think back. Think really hard. Think back. Yep, that's me.

[B]

Sandwich gyration. Okay. Yeah, I can see it.

[C]

I wasted pants. Yeah, I guess that was this. Yeah.

[A]

That'S me.

[C]

Elvis Aaron Presley. It all makes sense. Wasn't. Was Eren some. I can't remember what's going on with Elvis. Didn't he have like a twin brother who died in the womb? Did he and Eren, his middle name is named after that guy. That was gonna be his name or something. I can't remember.

[A]

There's no way for us to ever know.

[B]

Aaron, what actor do you think you could. You know how like in Hollywood when they're only shooting like one side of a conversation, they have like a stand in play the other person. So sometime just see like over the shoulder, back of the head. What actor do you think that you could do the stand in role for Paul Giamatti?

[A]

I think it feels the same sitting across from me that it does with him.

[B]

If we're only going by energy. You think you could do Paul Giamatti's energy?

[A]

Yeah, I think if you close your eyes and you're like, who's standing in front of you, Aaron Keefer, Paul Giamatti, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

[C]

What about you could Aaron, could you say, yeah, same for me. Eric, could you say, I don't want to. I don't want any fucking Merlot.

[A]

I don't want any fucking Merlot.

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

Sounds exactly like him.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

There's a guy, a guy at IO I cannot remember his name.

[A]

Great, great start.

[C]

I had many conversations with him. He was on a very successful house team. But he was Keanu Reeves stand in for like half his movies.

[A]

Oh, that's cool.

[C]

Which must be pretty fun. I think he started on the lake house or something, whatever that movie is.

[B]

So like. Yeah, a little bit of later, later era Keanu Reeves, but not, not too late. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[C]

Height, same build, same sensibility.

[B]

I think it's. Yeah, it's like the people that have successful like. Oh, what's that? Cameos, where they just are like people who look like a celebrity and that then you could just like build yourself as a cameo look alike of that celebrity. Like undercutting the celebrity on the cameo. Ah, I love that. That's so that's what a lucrative line.

[C]

Hey, this is for Margaret. This is Beetlejuice here. I guess it's your birthday and Todd wants to let you know he loves you very much. And good luck with a new house.

[B]

Because Mark Wahlberg goes through some of his life as not being like Mark Wahlberg. But then eventually he's doing a bunch of work and he's doing this and suddenly he's Mark Wahlberg. But you are just a guy who kind of looks like Mark Wahlberg. You live an entire normal life and then one day someone's like, hey, you kind of look like Mark Wahlberg and you go, huh? Then suddenly this is your life now. I love that.

[C]

Then we're off to the races. Speaking of off to the races. Aaron, I did it again. Help.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. I'm out of money. I don't know what to hand you.

[C]

A car with faulty brakes was approaching a level crossing at 75 miles an hour. A train was approaching the same crossing at 75 miles an hour. The train was 300ft long and it was 100ft from the crossing. The car was 100ft from the crossing as well. Neither car nor train stopped, swerved or changed speed. The crossing was unmanned and without barriers. Yet after all that information, there was no collision. How is this.

[B]

So train went under, car went over.

[C]

It was like a Under over situation.

[A]

It was an under over situation. It was a toy train.

[C]

That's a very good guess and that's very much in the vein of how these answers usually go. But that is incorrect here.

[B]

It was not an over under.

[C]

It was not an over under. It wasn't a toy train. These were full size vehicles.

[B]

Did. But when you say crossing you mean that like both of these. I guess track and road physically overlaid. Like it was not. It was not a situation where they could both go by unimpeded.

[C]

Ah, jpc, good sir. I never mentioned a road. A car with faulty brakes was approaching a level crossing at 75 miles an hour. A train was approaching the Same crossing at 75 miles per hour.

[B]

Got it. Were they just driving parallel to each other? Okay.

[C]

Yes. But there's one other element to this.

[B]

Ah, the fifth element. Love Chris Tucker. Aaron, do you Chris Tucker.

[A]

I don't want any more Merlot.

[C]

You got no knock the fuck out.

[B]

I'm on a plane with Kevin Spacey and Bill Clinton. Epstein's plane.

[A]

We're missing an element to it.

[C]

You're missing an element. So there's no road. JPC said track and road are on this, et cetera. There's no road. It's just the track. GPC asks if they're running parallel.

[A]

It's like an amusement park ride.

[B]

Is the train shipping cars? Is it just like. Is the car just on the back of the train? Like it's.

[A]

Oh, that's smart.

[C]

Got it. The car was on the train being transported.

[B]

Interesting. You know what? I don't think I've ever seen cars being transported on trains. I guess it must happen. But you. I've seen it on like, what is it called? Like semis. Right. That have their like, you know, one of those like four car carriers or whatever. But I don't think I've ever seen it on a train. But of course it must happen. That's gotta be the easiest way to transport cars.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene. Adel and I are in some sort of action movie and we're having this like, like a classic train fight that where we're fighting on top of the moving train and going in the cars and breaking bottles and stuff. And jpc, you are a paying customer on this train and you are demanding we knock it off.

[B]

Got it? Elaine, if they come by one more time, I'm gonna say something. I swear to God. I think I'm. No, I think I'm gonna say just.

[A]

Don'T rock the boat. It's probably gonna be over soon because.

[B]

This is the quiet car.

[C]

All right, Donovan, I've cornered you in the quiet car, but you're gonna scream for help.

[A]

Nice try, Sullivan. Better luck next time. Smash his bottle.

[B]

That was my kombucha. I paid $11 for that. I'm not gonna say something because I paid $11. That guy said quiet car, so he knows that quiet card.

[A]

Yeah, right. Right. Swing.

[B]

The knife is.

[A]

Don't say anything. Don't. Just stop. You're looking for a cont.

[B]

I'm going to take the knife and I think I'm. I'm going to put a stop.

[C]

And the guy behind.

[B]

Because I have the knife. They don't have a knife.

[C]

Now the guy behind JPC taps on him. Hey, sorry. This is the quiet car. Could you be quiet, please?

[B]

Are you kidding me? What about Donovan and Sullivan over here? They're having a knife bra.

[A]

See?

[C]

You've learned judo since we last spoke.

[A]

Yeah, you taught me.

[B]

I thought I was gonna have a big interaction with that guy, but he accidentally got his neck broken bleeding over. He got judo kicked to the side of the neck. This is in Elena. And I'm out of line. This isn't. This is outrageous.

[A]

This is our anniversary trip. And what did you promise before we came?

[B]

I'm not drunk, Okay?

[A]

I didn't. Oh, okay. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

[B]

I promise. Promised I wouldn't get drunk and make a scene. I'm going to make a scene, but I'm not drunk. There was.

[A]

See what kind of honeymoon you have after.

[C]

Hey, Donovan. I got this lady who just stood up and I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna kill her if you don't come quietly.

[A]

You think I care about that lady? I don't care about ladies. I'm in love with you.

[B]

I'm in love with you with love and apology. Elaine, this would be the time to.

[A]

Scene. Fun.

[C]

Very fun. I'd like to see that movie. Okay, let's see this next riddle here. The scene was set for confrontation one night as rival mafia gangs made reservations at the same restaurant. At one point, a member of Luigi's gang marched up to a member of Roberto's gang and thumped him hard on the back. The poor man fell to the floor. Then he rose, looked at the man who struck him, thanked him and walked quietly away.

[A]

He killed a bug on his back.

[B]

Was he. Was he choking? Was he. Was he.

[A]

Oh, he's choking.

[B]

Getting a little piece of bread out.

[A]

Of course, choking. That's.

[C]

So Roberto's Gang member had a fish bone stuck in his throat. The thumper fishbone was to help clear it.

[A]

Well, I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

Gang from the 1920s.

[C]

He flipped it.

[B]

These are cartoon cats in a gang.

[A]

This is right after this moment. And Adel, you just saved JPC from choking. And now it's like, a little bit of awkward because you guys don't really know what to do next because you're from rival gangs.

[B]

Little fishbone.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Saw you, saw that.

[B]

You were, yeah.

[C]

Kind of grabbing at your neck and. Yeah, yeah. So enjoy. Enjoy your belief.

[B]

Belief.

[C]

Enjoy your beef. Enjoy your beef or beef steak, whatever. Huh?

[B]

I was eating fish. Little fish. You know what you enjoy. Here's what I'm going to do. You. I'm. I'm going to buy you dinner tonight.

[C]

No, no, no, please, please, please.

[B]

I, Please, I, I insist. I, I, I absolutely have to buy you dinner tonight.

[C]

Hey, if Carmen hears about this, I'm dead, so I can't. He checks my, he checks my payment statements because we have a. We have a company card.

[B]

Yeah, we do as. We do as well, so.

[C]

Well, you take. Well, don't take care, cuz.

[B]

No, yeah, obviously.

[A]

Oh, do you want me to pull up another chair at the table? Would you gentlemen like to sit together? I can.

[C]

Yes, please. Why did I say that? Can I have a mind check?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Can I have a 32 ounce bleaf? Bleaf steak? Tomahawk. I have my own food. What the fuck am I doing?

[A]

Yeah, how would you like to eat?

[C]

All the way. All the way. What am I doing? Am I in love?

[A]

Yeah. I'll be right back.

[C]

So how are. This is your wife or my guma?

[B]

This is my guma.

[C]

Ah, guma.

[B]

I'm assuming this is your wife.

[C]

This is my guma, of course. My sitting by the fire. That's dumb. That was dumb. I'm sorry.

[B]

What are we doing? What are we doing?

[C]

Hey, take out my gun. I'm not gonna shoot.

[A]

We cut to them at karaoke later. They're singing that song.

[C]

Why did we ever have belief?

[B]

Yeah, well, hey, let's quash. Ah, come on, Leaf. Why don't you kill Carmine? I'll kill. Well, my guy named Carmine too, I think.

[C]

Hey, let's do it together. You kill my Carmine, I'll kill your Carmine.

[B]

And then strange is out of trade. Yeah, strangers out of trade. Except we're both at the Mob and we met at the dinner and everybody knows our table's cleared out when they saw us hugging.

[C]

Wait, my Carmine White, wide Britain had hat.

[B]

Yeah, My carmine Wide white brim hat.

[C]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Wait a second. Is our.

[A]

I gotta get out of here. He's trying to run, but he's stuck in place.

[B]

Sure, yeah, that could happen. That happens a lot, guys.

[A]

I can't believe we remembered that much of Goodfellas. That's crazy.

[C]

That was scene for scene, shot for shot, line for line. Martin Scorsese, Goodfellas.

[A]

We're really, really talented.

[B]

It's a worse movie than you remember. Yeah, you think it's good, but it's that bad.

[C]

Yeah. When Pesci keeps saying bleef.

[B]

The hard cut in Goodfellas. When they're at karaoke together. Just jarring shift in tone. But it was the seventies.

[C]

It was the seventies.

[A]

But it was the seventies.

[C]

Here we go. Next riddle. Kate and Sarah were old friends who had not seen each other for years. One day they meet up by chance. Although they spent an hour in each other's company, they did not speak to one another. Neither was deaf or mute, and they were still on good terms. Why did they not speak to each other?

[B]

When they say by chance, they mean at a Chance the Rapper concert. They were both at the same Chance the Rapper concert, and they didn't even know that the other was there.

[C]

And jpc, real quick, name a chance to rap her song.

[B]

Acid rap.

[A]

Okay, can you read that again?

[C]

Yes. Kate and Sarah were old friends who had not seen each other for years. One day they meet up by chance. Although they spent an hour in each other's company, they did not speak to one another. Neither was deaf or mute, and they were still on good terms when they left. Why did they not speak to each other?

[A]

Oh, my God. They were at the morgue. Oh, my God. This is such a sad story.

[B]

I can't speak at the morgue.

[C]

Morgues are like libraries. Oh, my God.

[A]

They're at the morgue.

[B]

Quiet train. They were on the quiet car. They were on a quiet car and there was an action scene happening in front of them. Where are some other places Eren. That you don't. You're not really supposed to speak?

[A]

Court, the library. Mm, Court, the library. They were scuba diving.

[B]

Scuba diving.

[A]

Scuba diving.

[B]

Scuba driving.

[C]

That was impressive that you went. Court, library. Scuba diving. Answer. They were divers. They were reunited while scuba diving.

[B]

I think. I think. And I will put my cards on the table here. I think we have done this one the last six months. I feel like this one. This one, this one. I don't have any memory of this live show. Maybe I don't know.

[A]

It escapes me. I don't recognize you.

[B]

Sake. I think so. So hey, you know what?

[A]

It was new to me.

[B]

And we can't know and we shan't know.

[C]

Hey, even some of the best sitcoms have reruns.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

They all do Halloween episodes.

[C]

They all do a Thanksgiving episode where Joey gets a turkey stuck on his head.

[B]

They all do that.

[A]

They all do.

[B]

They all do that. What if in the short lived sitcom Joey they had done a Thanksgiving episode where he got a turkey stuck on his head and they just were like. They played it like this has never happened before. Nobody make any references to it.

[C]

The other it'll be funny if all of Joey was him with the turkey on his head. Where it just was like, we medically cannot get this off.

[B]

They couldn't even get Matt LeBlanc for the show. They just got a guy who sounds like Joey who could put a turkey on his head. Adol and I recently saw and Casey as well. We went and saw avatar in 40x and I had seen it the week previous with my wife and I was like, no spoilers. But there's. And correct me if I'm wrong, there were no good trailers. I was like, you could. You could. And in fact, Casey did miss all the trailers, but I was like, you could. All these trailers. There's nothing here that is worth seeing. But there is one trailer where it's like an animated movie about a person who puts their mind into an animatronic beaver and then that beaver goes out into the world and can talk to other animals in the forest.

[C]

It's called Hoppers.

[B]

Maybe it's something like that. And the first time I saw it, I turned to Moriah and I was like, what is this? It's like Avatar with beavers. And then like two seconds later in the trailer they go, what is this? Just like Avatar. And someone in the trailer goes, it's so different from Avatar. And I was like, so there are just no ideas anymore. They're like doing Avatar with beavers, calling it out and then being like, okay, bases covered, bases covered. We covered all of our bases.

[A]

All right? Bases covered. Oh, man.

[B]

And I'm not saying that the movie looks bad or anything. Whatever. It's a movie. It's an animated movie. I'm sure it'll be fine. But I am just like, like, it's just staggering that they're like, we can get away with this, right? We can sell people the same thing a hundred times. That's fine.

[C]

What is An Avatar like premise that you would be thrilled about. Obviously not animated beavers.

[A]

Rom com with spider. Next question.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

In general, I am very pro the idea of like body switching because that's what Avatar is. In general. Right. It's like Freaky Friday. Like people. People switching bodies and you have your own mind and another body. I love that whole concept. Don't get me wrong, Avatar did not invent that concept. But it is just, I don't know that like, it's like if you watched like Freakiest Friday or something and the movie started and they switched bodies as one of them was like, whoa, this is just like Avatar. And I'm like, calm down.

[C]

What?

[B]

We don't have to say it.

[C]

I've never seen it, but I remember seeing a trailer for a movie where I was like, okay, this is actually kind of fun. Even though it's not as fresh as an idea as you'd want. I think it's just called Freaky. And it's Vince Vaughn. Oh, that's right. And he's like, maybe he's like a serial killer and him and the woman he's like hunting switch bodies or something. Yes, maybe I'll watch that.

[B]

I heard that that movie was okay because Vince Vaughn was so like, he always plays the same guy. He was doing something very different from what Vince Vaughn normally does. And I'm like, I'm a big fan of that. I'm a big fan of actors playing against type, so more power to them.

[C]

He's probably playing like a 22 year old woman. That's the way he's acting. And not a fast talking scuzzball.

[B]

He's always acting like a normal creep and in this one he's acting like a killer creep.

[C]

This is our next riddle, possibly our last riddle, depending on.

[A]

I want two more.

[C]

Aaron, this is our. What's penultimate for penultimate Went away from penultimate. Charlie was always told by his parents never to open the door of the cellar under any conditions or he would see all sorts of things that he wasn't supposed to see.

[B]

Jesus.

[C]

No, not him. One day, Charlie heard his parents leave the house knowing the cellar door to be unlocked. He couldn't resist opening it. Out of curiosity, what did Charlie see?

[A]

Christmas presents.

[C]

Yeah, it was a bunch of Christmas presents.

[A]

He realized Santa wasn't real. I'd like to see a scene.

[C]

Santa's dead body on a hook.

[B]

It could have been way worse.

[A]

Adol, you are a kid who just discovered all your Christmas presents in the basement and we're your parents coming home. And you're gonna confront us about lying to you about Santa. All right, just paid the sitter and now, honey, how was your time with Kelly? Did you have fun with the babysitter?

[C]

And I'm sitting on the steps with a wine glass full of milk, swirling it. Well, well, milk just splashing all over the steps. I'll clean that up.

[B]

I'll clean that up.

[C]

I'll clean it up.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I know you will.

[C]

Oh, you'll get a towel. What, are you gonna wear that around your waist? Dress up? I know you two, like, dress up.

[A]

I mean, we just went to the opera. It was fun. You probably wouldn't like it, honey, because it was a little long, but did you have a nice time with Kelly? Did you eat your hot pot?

[B]

Don Giovanni. I've seen better performances of Don Giovanni. I'll be honest.

[A]

We had this whole debate on the whole car ride home. Let's not rehash this.

[C]

Speaking of wehash, how about we hash something out about Christmas time?

[A]

Yeah, it's coming up, buddy. Where you good? Got a good review from Kelly. So it sounds like Santa. Santa's gonna keep you on that nice list.

[C]

Oh, yes. You guys have a direct line to Santa? Am I getting that right? You have his number in your phone?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I mean, all parents have kind of a direct line to Santa.

[C]

Ah, yes. Well, I've quacked the code. I've unlocked.

[B]

I'm making my nice list. That performance of Don Giovanni.

[A]

Okay, honey, come on. I know you played it in college, but that doesn't make you the resident expert.

[B]

Play it. In college. Elaine, I. I lived Don Giovanni for four glorious months. I was Don Giovanni.

[A]

You were the understudy, honey.

[C]

Well, as we all know, in opera, I mean, you did take me that one. Time to deflate a mouse. As we all know, in opera, it's not over until the fat lady sings and this charade is over because I know that the fat man is Dad.

[A]

I thought he was handsome. I thought the guy who played.

[C]

Sorry, I'm not trying to call that fat. I'm just like, that is Santa. I know you guys are Santa.

[B]

Look, I had to gain. It was college. I had to gain a lot of weight to play Don Giovanni.

[A]

It was much harder to get the weight off than I thought it would be. Not handsome. I just. I can't mention that an opera. I thought his performance was wonderful and he was handsome.

[C]

I'm going to take a nap.

[B]

Sing, Elaine.

[C]

You two hash this out. Sing. All right, Have a good night. Love you okay?

[B]

Thank God we got through that. I think you found the Christmas presents.

[A]

Yeah, we were at the movies.

[B]

We saw Batman last scene.

[C]

I love. Set up a premise and then refuse to acknowledge the character talking about it.

[A]

So funny. All right, one more Adol. One more. I'm going to get this one, no problem. You'll be so proud of me, you won't even believe it.

[C]

Well, Aaron, would you believe that you didn't get the last one?

[A]

What?

[C]

I was joking about the Christmas thing. Let me read the. Yeah, let me read the riddle one more time.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Charlie was always told by his parents never to open the door of the cellar under any conditions or he would see all sorts of things that he wasn't supposed to see.

[B]

Wasn't supposed to see.

[C]

One day, Charlie heard his parents leave the house, and knowing that the cellar door was unlocked, he couldn't resist opening it. Out of curiosity, when Charlie opened the doors to the cellar, what did he see? And this one's kind of. This one's kind of fucked up.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, like, is there anything in the rest of the riddle that's giving me context for what this is? Or am I just supposed to guess like, fucked up things until I get it? Like, it's unlocked. Is it unlocked, like, operative? I don't know why it would be unlocked if it's. If there's something so horrible in there.

[C]

Yeah, there's not. There isn't much to sort of suss out.

[B]

What I'm getting from this riddle is like, hey, there's something fucked up in a cellar. What is it? And I'm like, well, I don't know. I mean, it could be a lot.

[C]

Of a body, I guess. Try and think about Rorschach in Watchmen.

[B]

Oh, is it Dr. Manhattan done that? Big blue penis?

[C]

I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me.

[B]

Is it like a. What's it called, like us Situation where he opens the cellar and it's like the rest of the world or something? Like, he's in the basement.

[C]

Charlie opens the cellar door and he sees the rooms of the house. Charlie had been locked in the cellar. So instead of looking into the cellar, he found himself looking out into the house.

[A]

That is super dark. Yikes. Ooh.

[B]

Well, Eren, we don't know. Maybe he did something really bad now.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Maybe it was like a Shirley Temple situation where they had to. No, they only kept it. They only took him out of the cellar when it was time to audition for a Hollywood Talkie.

[C]

I do want to see a scene.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Jpc, you are a. Your parents left your kid in the house. Normally, you live in the full house. Sure. You've always been told not to go to the cellar. Aaron, you are JPC's sibling. You've been locked in the cellar your whole life, and you finally open the doors, and you two are meeting for the first time as a brother and sister.

[B]

Hello?

[A]

Hello? Wow.

[B]

Hey. Hi, I'm Charlie.

[A]

I've never seen another. You feel real. You smell real. Well, you're not as cute as me. Why were you in the basement?

[B]

What?

[A]

Why weren't you in the basement?

[B]

What do you mean in the basement? You've been in the basement?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Hey, do we have Dr. Pepper down there?

[A]

We had Dr. Pepper down there. I drank it.

[B]

Nuts. I'm Charlie. What's your name?

[A]

I don't have a name.

[B]

Do you want me to give you a name?

[A]

Can you call me Dr. Pepper?

[B]

You don't really get to pick your own nickname. You have to kind of like. You have to, like, do something Dr. Pepper esque. Before you. I mean, I guess you did drink a lot of Dr. Pepper, right?

[A]

Yeah. Can you give me your clothes?

[B]

I'm wearing my clothes. Why aren't you wearing any clothes?

[A]

Hmm. How to do this gracefully. Well, I don't have to. Pushes you in the basement, locks the door.

[B]

Hey, there's still plenty of Dr. Pepper down here.

[A]

Hi, I'm Charlie. Hi, I'm Charlie. Hi, I'm Charlie. I got this in the bag.

[C]

Cut to six hours later, we're home. Charlie.

[A]

Hello. I am Charlie.

[C]

Hey, buddy.

[A]

Hey, buddy.

[C]

I love that we have this relationship. I'm sorry that we're. I can't watch the movies, and I'm pretty tired, so how about we watch the movie tomorrow?

[A]

Yes. A movie is a thing that. I know what it is.

[C]

Why do you always say that? You're such a weirdo. You're such a little weirdo.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[C]

Oh, are these new clothes? Or maybe you're just wearing them differently?

[A]

Yes. Good night.

[C]

Shirt on the bottom, pants on top.

[A]

Can't wait to eat that movie with you.

[C]

All right. Good night. You're my person, little buddy.

[A]

You're my. You're my.

[C]

Wait, did you say eat that movie?

[B]

Movie?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Never mind. I'm. I'm sorry. I missed. It's been a long day.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Huh?

[A]

Who is it?

[B]

It's Charlie. I had a Dr. Pepper.

[A]

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

[C]

Hey, who's. What the. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[A]

Okay, Charlie, it's me, Dr. Pepper. I'm the one from the basement.

[C]

You just dump that Dr. Pepper on yourself. Like in Flashdance.

[A]

Yeah. And then winked.

[B]

See?

[C]

Very good, you guys.

[A]

I'm holding in a sneeze and I don't think it's gonna come out. You ever have that feeling? You ever have this? You experience this?

[C]

I've personally had a lot of stuck yawns, but I don't know if I've ever been holding in this.

[A]

Oh, no, Adel, that can kill you. Yeah, you gotta get those out.

[C]

Wait, what? Yeah, Is that a joke?

[A]

You can't have any more than like three stuck yawns in you or you're.

[C]

Fuck.

[A]

You're as good as dead.

[C]

Well, let's hurry up and get through plugs so that I can try get these unstuck. Aaron, do you have anything to plug or promote?

[B]

Nope.

[C]

Neither do I.

[B]

One time I had a fart that went into my brain and gave me psychic powers.

[A]

Hot dogs. Jupiter. Can we get out of here? You want to read one review?

[B]

Starving. Aaron C.H. and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing. The music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naboris. Hey there, fires and watchers. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon. We bring you Summer from Scorn Mountain. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyridleburtle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a headgum podcast.