#397: All Oogie All The Time

Summary

Podcast Summary: Hey Riddle Riddle Episode #397 – "All Oogie All The Time"

Date: February 25, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan
Format: Comedy improv, riddles, and absurd digressions

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Episode Overview

The trio dives into their signature mix of improvisational comedy, riddle-solving, and offbeat banter. This episode revolves around playful debates about "understudies" for the podcast, a running "Oogie" joke, inventive listener-submitted tort law-themed movie riddles, and several character-filled improv scenes (ranging from Dr. Seuss courtroom dramas to talking snack foods at the movies). The show keeps its light, rapid-fire comedic tone while playfully poking fun at its own structure and the concept of actually solving riddles.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Movie Recommendations & Banter – Nirvana the Band: The Movie

[00:05 – 01:34]

• Erin raves about "Nirvana, the Band, the Movie," calling it "so fucking good" and a "comedic miracle."
• The group riffs on fake film review blurbs and winks at mockumentary tropes.
• Memorable quote, Erin (01:13): "A comedic miracle, JPC."

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2. Understudies for the Podcast

[02:47 – 09:11]

• The "Riddle Podcast Union" "indicts" the hosts for not having understudies.
• The trio discusses who would be their ideal stand-ins—ranging from friends to inanimate objects to celebrities (Craig T. Nelson, Steve Buscemi).
• Chaotic improv ensues, including everyone riffing impressions and understudy night gags.
• Memorable quote, Erin (04:25): "I, Erin, did not elect to have an understudy because why would I want to fuck someone who looks like me?"
• Running "Oogie" joke begins, tied to "Nightmare Before Christmas" and the word of the day calendar.

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3. April of the Penguins & Recurring In-Jokes

[09:30 – 11:19]

• Playful anticipation for "April of the Penguins" and "penguin baseball" returns.
• Riff on wiki pages, in-universe continuity, and teasing next year’s themes.
• Quote, Adal (11:20): "Water wars edition!"

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4. Listener-Submitted Tort Law Movie Riddles

[14:07 – 30:13]

• Lauren, a paralegal and listener, sends in riddles where famous movies have their titles punned with “tort” to create legal brainteasers.
• The group has an extended sidebar on what constitutes a “tort,” featuring playful ignorance and classic comedic derailment.
• Tech support tangent: Erin struggles to enlarge email font, leading to a hilarious multi-minute bit about computer skills.
• Quote, Adal (17:05): "How can I get my email to look... the font look bigger? It looks so small on my computer, I’m having a hard time reading it."
• Highlights of the tort riddles:
  • "Tort Story" (Toy Story) [22:34]
  • "Factortory" (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) [23:29]
  • "Torton Hears a Who" (Horton Hears a Who) [23:53]
  • Scene: Mock Dr. Seuss courtroom ("Your Honor, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...") [24:23]
  • Commentary on Dr. Seuss books as nonsense, with recitation of "One Fish, Two Fish..." [27:25]

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5. Return from (Mock) Ad Break: Improv & Further Riddles

[40:01 – 46:51]

• The group returns from (real) ad break, riffing on orange slices and Capri Suns [40:01].
• Voting on riddle sources—democracy cut short by more "Oogie" jokes.
• Adal revives "Old Man Puzzles" with longer, story-based riddles from a book, reflecting on pandemic-era attention spans.
• Extended, imaginative improv scene: anthropomorphic snacks (hot dog, soda, popcorn) at the movies, questioning movie logic and revealing absurd snack anatomy [44:08].
• Further layer: They perform live, in-episode commentary on their own earlier episode content—a meta, tongue-in-cheek bit [47:20].

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6. Story Riddles & Solutions

[49:13 – 63:53]

• The Baby and the Burglars [49:13]: Classic lateral riddle—Mike Peters is a baby who watches "thieves" (his parents, likely) and forgets about it.
  • "Mike Peters is a baby!" becomes an in-joke for the segment.
• Scam House Sale [54:18]: Sterling silver wouldn’t have stayed shiny in a boarded house for 7 years—the "treasure" was a plant.
• Fortune Teller Scam Scene [57:03]: Erin runs a "psychic scam" on JPC, asking for his routing and social security numbers, interrupted by baby detective Mike Peters [58:36].
• The Canceled Flight [59:27]: The passengers never took off, so they were safe in the terminal.
• Pilot Scene [60:25]: Multiple bad-news announcements, topped by fake tidbits ("someone checked a wolf in their luggage," jokes about Air Jordans from Marshalls).
• Consistent use of scene prompts for quick-fire, markedly silly improv.
• Quote, Adal (48:55): "This will be like the Zack Snyder director’s cut... you make it four hours longer and much, much worse."

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7. Listener Voicemail & Life Advice

[64:56 – 68:51]

• Voicemail from "Johnny in Pensacola": asks for New Orleans recommendations (for Adal), top budgeting tips (JPC), and mental health advice (Erin).
• Responses:
  • Adal: Specific food/music tips for New Orleans [65:31].
  • JPC: Non-judgmental tracking; don't sacrifice self-care; set manageable goals [67:21].
  • Erin: "Look for the helpers" (nod to Mr. Rogers), revisit childhood favorites, get your blood work checked [68:15].
• Quote, Erin (68:20): "Stop making your blood work for you and start working for your blood."

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8. Plugs & Listener Reviews

[68:56 – 70:41]

• Plugs for other podcasts: "Gumshoes & Dragons," "Hello from the Magic Tavern," HRR's Patreon, and Erin's LA show "Quality Time."
• Humorous review recounts a listener finding out about the podcast via a Tinder date gone wrong:
  • Quote, JPC (70:00): "A guy I met on Tinder told me about this podcast. He turned out to be a pervert and I ghosted him. But two years later, I’m still listening to the show. Hope you’re doing well, Josh."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Understudy absurdity: "Should I just burn this or do we want to respond? Casey, would you like to be my understudy?" – Adal [04:40]
• Oogie running gag: "I bought a Nightmare Before Christmas word of the day calendar. The last six months has been Oogie Boogie." – Erin [08:45]
• Dr. Seuss riff: "Your honor, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Now, I count three fish in two colors. So unless I’m crazy, one of these fish is lying..." – JPC as Dr. Seuss prosecutor [24:23]
• Meta-commentary: "We're just gonna try to remember the best we can of what happened at the beginning of this episode. So you can layer this later, listeners..." – Adal [47:54]
• Life advice: "Try to make a younger you proud." – Erin [68:15]
• Chaotic scene work: "Is the straw my mouth or my dick?" – JPC as soda, in improv scene [45:06]

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Structure & Tone

• Language/Tone: Everything remains spontaneous, irreverent, and playful—heavy with in-jokes, improvisation, and genuine camaraderie.
• Segment pacing: The flow alternates between riddle-solving, character-based improv, and wild tangents, with the actual riddles often just a jumping-off point for comedic exploration.
• Listener engagement: Multiple shout-outs and use of listener-submitted riddles/voicemails, plus ongoing encouragement of five-star reviews and Patreon sign-ups.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:05] – Movie banter, "Nirvana, the Band" recommendations
• [02:47] – Understudies & beginning of "Oogie" jokes
• [11:20] – "Water Wars" April of Penguins
• [14:07] – Listener-submitted tort riddles begin
• [21:27] – Erin finally zooms in her email font
• [24:23] – Dr. Seuss court improv scene
• [40:01] – Return from ad break/Capri Sun & orange slice debacle
• [44:08] – Snacks at the movies improv
• [49:13] – "Mike Peters is a baby" riddle
• [54:18] – Scam house riddle & fortune teller scene
• [59:27] – Airplane on-ground riddle & pilot scene
• [64:56] – Listener voicemail: New Orleans, budgeting, sanity advice
• [68:56] – Plugs, listener review (the Tinder guy)

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Concluding Thoughts

All in, "All Oogie All the Time" is a showcase of the Hey Riddle Riddle crew’s improv chemistry and comedic sensibility, using listeners’ riddles as springboards for runaway bits about underemployment, legal jargon, the philosophy of Dr. Seuss, and the logistics of food-based moviegoers. Even when the show veers off-course (“this podcast is barely about [riddles]!”), it delivers a steady stream of inventive, ensemble-driven comedy.

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For first-timers:
This episode is prime "Hey Riddle Riddle," equally rewarding for regular listeners (who will catch running gags and meta references) and newcomers who enjoy fast-paced, zany improv with a riddle/puzzle hook.

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Notable Takeaways:

• If you ever need to enlarge your email text, ask Erin. Or... maybe ask literally anyone else.
• Next April is Penguin Baseball season—start preparing your fantasy teams.
• Look for the helpers, check your blood work, and for the love of god, don’t name your baby “Mike Peters.”

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End of summary.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

Adol Aaron. I know that the two of you have been so mad that they are not putting comedy movies in theaters anymore. Well, do I have a shocking declaration for the two of you?

[C]

Shock me.

[A]

Shock.

[B]

Okay, shock you. Let me rub my socks on the carpet. I just saw Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie, the and it is fucking excellent.

[A]

Hamana. What?

[B]

Okay, this movie is so funny. It's the first like mockumentary style film that I have seen in a while that was making me laugh out loud. Plus, it's. I will not get into it, but when the twists come in this movie, your jaw will hit the floor in a good way. In a way that makes you say, I have to clean up my jaw now. But I do like that it touched the ground.

[C]

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is this the movie that Variety called It's insane, saying that it exists and fandom said gives no fucks. A movie you absolutely must see to believe.

[B]

Yes, you have to see this.

[A]

A comedic miracle says Sunshine State Complex. A comedic miracle. Jpc.

[B]

Yes. So the plot of the movie is they have a plan to book a show at the Rivoli, but something goes horribly wrong, and then Matt and Jay accidentally travel back to the year 2008. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have to watch this movie. It is only in theaters starting February 13th. Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. It is so fucking good.

[C]

I'm there. I'm there again.

[B]

Run, do not walk to the theaters February 13th to see Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. You do not have to be familiar with the show. Just go see Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. You'll get it. It's fucking great. At vrbo, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support. So we plan for the plot twists.

[C]

Every booking is automatically backed by our

[A]

VRBO care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start.

[B]

Whenever you need help, it's ready before your stay, through the moments in between and after your trip. Because a great trip starts with peace of mind and maybe a good playlist, but we've got the peace of mind part covered. The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cannon of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away for.

[A]

Oh, guys, we got a letter from the Riddle podcast Union. Hold on. It says urgent. To whom I may concern. That's us.

[B]

Sometimes those letters, Aaron, that you get in the mail that say urgent are just like scams. They're like, urgent, open immediately. It's like window washing.

[A]

No, but they're really exciting opportunities for credit cards that only have, like, 50% interest.

[B]

Now, those are good. Tell me. Those should be in my pile.

[A]

Oh, no, you can't take. Ow, my credit cards.

[B]

Ow, my pile.

[A]

Okay, let's see. Human may concern. It has come to our attention that the three of you do not have understudies. Per union rules, the three of you each need an understudy in the event where you cannot show up to the podcast. Adol. Did you know we were supposed to have understudies?

[C]

Yeah, I got.

[A]

Oh, sorry, I thought you were in the other room. Oh, I was yelling like you were far. You're right here.

[B]

Hello. Hello.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hi. Hello. Hi. What were we talking about?

[B]

Piles.

[A]

Oh, understudies. Did you know we were fond of understudies?

[C]

Yes. I got a email the day before we recorded our first episode.

[A]

About eight years ago.

[C]

About eight years ago. It was concerning labor union laws, and it said since we're all technically kids, we cannot work more than two hours at a time. So I said we're all triplets. So if anyone asks.

[A]

Okay. I don't. I love that we're cutting corners. I'm not sure which corner we cut and how.

[B]

I, Aaron, did not elect to have an understudy because why would I want to fuck someone who looks like me?

[C]

Huh?

[B]

Understudy. Right. Someone who studies under us.

[A]

Should I just burn this or do we want to respond? Casey, would you like to be my understudy? I'm just gonna fill out this paperwork really quick. I'm just gonna say, in the event in which Aaron is too tired or too lazy to show year, by which, in regard to Casey, Tony will take over all of her.

[C]

Is there an understudy night? You know, like, the one night where people come in and they're disappointed because everybody's played by understudies?

[B]

Casey, if you're Aaron's understudy, you're gonna have plenty of opportunities. You don't have to be here.

[A]

No, but he might want one where his fly in for it.

[B]

I think. I think we have some previous live streams that are an indicator that you're gonna. You're gonna get in there. Casey, you're gonna have some spots.

[A]

I don't know what you're referring to.

[B]

Aaron, are we gonna get into trouble here? Because I thought we were working under, like, the whole understudy chain thing where, like, I was your understudy, you were mine. And Adel was yours.

[A]

I. Yeah, it says that that's not allowed because we are not good at pretending to be each other.

[C]

Hmm.

[A]

I'm a little offended by that.

[C]

I'm a little offended by that.

[A]

Oh, my God, there's two of me.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Which one do I kiss?

[B]

I'm a little offended by that, too.

[C]

Hey, I'm Aaron Cave.

[A]

Oh, that does sound like me.

[B]

Hey, Aaron.

[A]

Hey, I'm at the refi.

[B]

Aaron, can you do Holly Hunter?

[C]

Oh, great. Great voice.

[B]

It's like a little Lish.

[A]

Lish?

[B]

Yeah, it's like a. I'm hollering Hunter.

[A]

I don't think so.

[C]

That's pretty good.

[B]

That's pretty good.

[A]

Hi, mister.

[B]

Hi, Mr. Incredible.

[C]

Can you say, like, hey, Mr. Incredible, I need you. I need you to stretch me. Well, hi, Ms. Mr.

[A]

Incredible. I need you to stretch me.

[C]

I realize that was.

[A]

I want to hunt her down as my understudy.

[B]

Mrs. Incredible doesn't need anyone to stretch her at all. She can stretch herself.

[C]

Yes, that's right.

[A]

That's right. I do. My voice occasionally has been compared to Starley Klein, who plays Violet in Incredibles.

[C]

Is that the same person who does the podcast? Are you serious?

[A]

The mystery podcast? She's a frequent contributor to this American Life.

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

She's a very aspirational career. I'm a big fan.

[C]

I remember listening to a podcast about her, and she found, like, a rodeo belt or something. Mystery Show. Is that her name?

[A]

Mystery show is so good.

[B]

Yeah. Very good. Very, very good.

[A]

Adol, who do you want me to put down as your understudy? Who? Plaid lazy boy recliner? Oh, no, I'm talking about the chair.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

[A]

All right. A comfy, inviting chair will henceforth be Adol's understanding. Or should we do a person

[B]

Put Craig T. Nelson.

[A]

Oh, Craig T. Nelson. Adol, can you do your Craig T. Nelson impression?

[C]

Hey, Coach.

[A]

Hey, Coach.

[B]

I don't.

[C]

Hey, Coach, it's me, Dawber.

[A]

Uncanny. Un.

[B]

SpongeBob.

[A]

Okay, let's see.

[C]

Did you know Dawber is Patrick. What a world.

[A]

And jpc. I'm gonna say Captain Hook. Impressionist. Adol, what do we think we should do for jpc?

[C]

Hmm.

[B]

Yeah, just do, like, a. One of those, like, Boardwalk caricatures of Captain Hook. That'll be Boardwalk in a Pitch boy.

[C]

Steve Buscemi.

[B]

What?

[C]

I say Steve Buscemi.

[A]

Steve Buscemi.

[B]

Put Buscemi. Put Buscemi. Aaron. Put Buscemi.

[A]

Steve Buscemi. Now doing an impression of Captain Hook will be. He sees understudy. I think we're solid. Throw the letter. They'll trash.

[C]

Trash. Lights on fire. Spirits and Oogie ghosts come running out screaming, moaning.

[B]

You've been very into the word oogie lately, Adol.

[C]

Have I?

[A]

Look, looks over at word of the day calendar. Every day is oogie.

[C]

I bought a Nightmare before Christmas. Word of the day calendar. The last six months has been Oogie Boogie.

[B]

It's been all Oogie all of the time.

[A]

Okay, I know what I'm getting at for Christmas this year, and it is an expensive, time consuming joke.

[C]

Oh, it looks like for March, it's clown with a tearaway face. That's one wor. Interesting. Interesting.

[A]

How are you guys?

[C]

Good?

[B]

Yeah, I'm good.

[C]

Solid. Solid like a rock.

[A]

You are so solid. Then how could I tip you over? Couldn't get him. He's solid.

[C]

Solid. Speaking of oogie. Oh, and tipping over, did someone have some news? Well, I was just gonna say I think we're two months out, but April of the Penguins is right around the bend and I'm very excited.

[A]

Speaking of Oogie, I'm very excited, too.

[B]

Who's won? Honestly?

[A]

I won the first year. Boston Waddlers.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

Boston waddlers won in 2020.

[B]

Okay, that's not you winning, Aaron. A lot of brave penguins died to get you that win.

[A]

They weren't brave.

[B]

A lot of cowardly penguins perished.

[A]

Who won last year?

[B]

Four way tie me?

[A]

I don't know. Might have been you. What was your team last year?

[C]

New Orleans Night Owls.

[A]

I think you won. I think you won. Are you going to do back to back years? Who do you think is going to take the cake?

[C]

I'm going to go ahead and say I think this is Casey. Tony season.

[A]

Oh, Erin.

[B]

I'm checking the penguin baseball wiki and it seems that it has not been created, so we don't have to worry about it.

[A]

Good. You know what? Good.

[B]

Good. Good.

[C]

Good.

[A]

And good.

[C]

Good.

[A]

Um, Casey. Casey, do you think you have what it takes this year? I don't know.

[C]

I think I have what it takes. I think my cowardly penguins absolutely do not. And we should tease that we're not doing Penguins this year.

[B]

Well, hey, we should maybe tease this next month. I don't know why we're teasing this a full month.

[A]

I like to.

[B]

Because we like to tease. Pretty early to tease something. That's.

[C]

Sorry, that was very oogie of me.

[A]

I'd like to go ahead and tease Penguin Baseball 2027.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Water wars edition. Okay. I actually do know that I'm Old Man Puzzles and I'm a woman now. Got a blood test. I'm a woman now. I can be responsible. I'm not a child anymore. I'm a grown adult.

[B]

Are you saying Old Man Puzzles is a woman now?

[A]

Old Man Puzzles has always been a woman.

[B]

2026, the year of the Old Man Puzzles as a woman.

[A]

Go back to episode three. Play the clip about the woman living alone and holding a candle.

[C]

Hmm.

[A]

And that's a whoosh sound. I live alone and I'm holding a candle.

[C]

How can I afford all these candles?

[A]

And a whoosh back. Although I'm not allowed to ask Casey to do stuff like that anymore. JPC gets mad

[C]

smash cut to an Urban Outfitters. Casey says, I'm doing Somebody's Stealing a ton of Clothes. A smash cut to Ed Dubevik's when someone's eating a hamburger and smash. And then we zoom in on Aaron

[B]

Keefe does a smash cut. To do a smash cut, does it need to have a sound effect?

[C]

No, I think it's just like a quick cut.

[B]

It's just a hard cut right there. Doesn't need to be any sort of sound effect.

[A]

An unceremonious hard cut.

[B]

Got it. Okay.

[C]

Yeah, but like a blam or crunch doesn't hurt.

[B]

I think that if we're gonna use the term smash cut instead of, like, hard cut, it should come with it. Has to have like a. Like a breaking glass thing, you know, like when Stone Cold Steve Austin, like, came out to the ring, you know?

[A]

Okay, smash cut to us walking through a crate and barrel trying not to. To knock over all of the wine glass displays.

[C]

Smash Mouth to the wine glasses everywhere. Somebody once told me smash mouth isn't great. Somebody was Smash Mouth to Ferris wheel. And Aaron, you and I are seated in a cart, but JPC is dangling from it. Oh, no.

[A]

Stop the ride. Smash Mouth to us at a Smash Mouth concert. And they're not playing their own music.

[B]

Aaron, he's dead. There are no more Smash Mouth concerts.

[A]

What?

[B]

Aaron, the guy's dead.

[C]

Aaron the man.

[A]

Boogie, boogie. Okay, guys, I don't want to do riddles.

[B]

Just touches the next girl to celebrate the life of the guy from Smash Mouth. Oogie Boogie.

[A]

Go ahead and leave us a one star review on our podcast.

[B]

Do not do it. Do not do that.

[A]

No, leave us a five star review that the title is one star and that technically counts as one star.

[B]

Yeah, technically counts as one star.

[A]

Okay. All right. Okay.

[B]

Bethinks the lady dawn protests too much.

[A]

Okay, these are from Lauren. I'm so grateful for you, Lauren. Thank you for sending in these riddles. Hi, team.

[B]

So grateful for you, Lauren.

[A]

I'm grateful for Lauren. I love you, Lauren.

[B]

Don't say that.

[A]

I love you, Lauren.

[C]

Lauren said, hi, team.

[A]

Yeah. Hi, team.

[C]

I never thought about it, but we are a team.

[B]

We don't play like one.

[A]

Who's the captain? CPC's the one in the boat that is the one yelling at us. Adol's the one rowing, and I'm leaning back like I'm being taken on a picnic.

[B]

I guess I don't want the responsibility of being the captain, but I do want to be able to say I'm the captain now.

[A]

Sure, yeah.

[B]

But I guess that guy wasn't really the captain. He just kind of became the captain a little later on, right?

[C]

How about I was the captain then.

[B]

I was the captain then.

[A]

You are the captain then.

[C]

You're, like, wistful.

[B]

You're saying it as you're being mutinied. That's the. Like, I'm the captain now. I was the captain then.

[A]

I am a paralegal and I run weekly riddle team channels for my law firm and I have torts inspired movie riddles for you all.

[C]

Sorry, torts?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

What's a tort?

[A]

I'm glad that you asked because Lauren answered it in the next sentence because we don't know. Even though I'm technically a lawyer after following the Karen Reid trial for so many months, I'm not. I just learned a lot. A tort is an act or omission that gives rise to injury or harm to another and amounts to a civil wrong for which courts impose liability.

[B]

Okay, interesting.

[C]

And it's T O r T. Yes. I would assume it's a single tortellini.

[B]

Yeah, it is short for tortilla.

[C]

Tortilla tortellini.

[A]

Wait, hold on. Explain what a tort is. Like I'm stupid.

[B]

Aaron, you're not using chat DP tort, are you?

[A]

No.

[B]

You better not be using chat.

[A]

I'm looking on Reddit, which is basically what a torture. Cutting out the middleman. Someone. It's a fancy legal term for someone did something wrong to you and now you have to pay for it.

[B]

Tort. Yeah, it's like, it applies like to. To like civil law, right? Like, like if. If you, like, knock down my. You're my neighbor and like, you like, knock down my fence or something to. To. To cut down a tree. I don't know, chamber.

[A]

To you getting knocked down, however neighbors

[B]

interact with each other, then I would be like, you're going, you and me are going to tort law court. And then if you, if you're guilty, you go to tort jail.

[A]

I would watch tort court, daytime tort court on tv.

[B]

I think that's all of it is tort court, right?

[A]

Is it?

[B]

I think so, yeah. Cause it's all civil. You don't. None of those, like daytime court shows are like a murder trial or something, right? Like, they're all like big companies being. Yeah.

[A]

Can I ask an old lady question?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

In the voice though,

[A]

how can I get my email to look. Have the, the font look bigger? It looks so small on my computer, I'm having a hard time reading it.

[B]

Interesting. Can I, can I tell you, I was on a plane and I was sitting next to an older person and their font was so big on their phone and it's allowed to be whatever, but I was not trying to read their phone and I felt like a passing glance. I got the full picture of whatever they were doing at any time and I really wanted to be like, hey, man, just turn your phone. If it's gonna be that big, you got do some OPSEC here. Like, I don't need to know your text messages. What was your question about? Is it still about Torch?

[C]

Erin?

[A]

No, I want to. I need to zoom in. How do I get my. How do I get the writing to be bigger?

[B]

Control plus or Command plus?

[A]

Where's the plus button on my.

[B]

Aaron, this stays in. This stays in. Casey.

[C]

Aaron. It's right next to the delete button of the equal.

[B]

Yeah, alt F4, but it doesn't do

[A]

anything when I did that.

[B]

Is it on a web browser? Yeah, yeah, it should. I mean,

[C]

smash mouth to Aaron at the Genius Bar.

[B]

No, don't hit alt F4. Alt F4. Aaron, if you don't know, this is something that used to be big in video game communities when I was a child child, where people would be like, how do I get this thing on Starcraft? And someone would be like, yeah, just hit alt F4 and alt F4 closes the program. So you would just see like this person exited the game lobby. When people do.

[A]

How do I do this?

[C]

Outstanding.

[B]

Just like an absolute troll move for 14 year olds in the 90s. Aaron, I'm telling you. Oh, you have a Mac. Well, it's Controller Command plus. But that's, that's how you're doing anything though.

[C]

Aaron.

[B]

I don't know what to tell you.

[C]

Aaron.

[B]

Yeah, what Are you trying to do

[C]

send me your emails in a Google Doc? I'll print them out in a larger font and then mail them to you.

[A]

Oh, no, no. Oh, okay. Okay, I know what I'll do. I'm going to copy and paste this into a Word document. I can't get it. Is there somewhere on my. It says that if I. On my browser settings, I can. I mean, I thought PC would help me.

[B]

Did you hit PC? You have a Mac? We're PC people. You can hit Command and then. Do you have a mouse wheel?

[C]

Are you using Safari, too?

[A]

So it's like I'm using Chrome.

[C]

Well, in Chrome, do you have a. Like a magnifying glass in the URL bar? Aaron, launch your extension

[A]

in the URL bar. A magnifying glass?

[C]

No, the navigation bar at the top of the screen. Audience, hold tight, we have some customer support.

[A]

No, that's search. The magnifying glass is a search.

[B]

Okay, Control U will get you into the source code. Aaron. And then just copy and paste whatever you're looking through from the source code into a Word document.

[A]

That's what I said I was going to do, and everyone laughed at me.

[C]

Ma', am, what do you see on your screen right now? What do.

[A]

You're not my son.

[B]

Aaron. What?

[C]

Is it possible. Is it possible you didn't buy Groupon, you bought a Living Social?

[A]

No, no. I skipped my right hand corner. Why is it so small? Why did this happen to you?

[C]

Can you just pinch to zoom?

[A]

I don't know how to do that.

[C]

On your. On your. Oh, well, you don't have a. Do you have a touch laptop? It's on laptop.

[B]

Aaron, what are you trying to look up? I'll just look it up for you. What do you need?

[A]

I'm not trying to look anything up. I'm trying to read this email.

[C]

Does your mouse have a scre. Scroll bar?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Hold command and then scroll down.

[B]

And then scroll up.

[C]

Aaron, can I ask something?

[A]

Nothing's happening.

[C]

Try Control and then scroll up.

[A]

Nothing's happening.

[C]

All right, Aaron, what did you do the previous eight years?

[A]

What do you mean? On the show, I'm saying. Or just generally.

[C]

What happened now?

[A]

I don't know. I've mostly been in bed. I've been very, very sad. Okay, hold on. This is gonna drive me.

[C]

Just do the Word Document thing.

[B]

Just do the Word Document.

[A]

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have. If I do these three dots and then I do history downloads.

[C]

Well, history downloads.

[A]

Oh, zoom. Zoom. Oh, no, it's at 100%. Oh, no, I can do more than 100%. Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I did it all on my own with no help from boys.

[B]

You're not allowed to cut any of this out.

[A]

Oh, I'm cutting all of it out, bitch.

[C]

Oh, you can write that you're cutting it, but ultimately, who makes that choice? If you close your eyes.

[A]

Okay, what were we talking about? Torts.

[B]

Torts.

[A]

In the hints below. See? Lauren. Thank you. Now I can read this now. The font's big. I do think I'm actually. I do have really bad eyesight, and I actually do think it's getting worse by the day.

[B]

Well, yeah, I mean, it is. That's aging, right?

[A]

How long until I can't drive anymore? You think now?

[C]

How old are you now, Erin?

[A]

34?

[C]

35.

[B]

Okay, the water wars are going to come way before you have to worry about giving up your driver's license.

[A]

In the hints below, I've described one or more torts that occurred in the film. To get the answer, add or change one letter so that tort is included in the film's title. This one makes sense.

[B]

Got it. Yep.

[C]

Or change a letter.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yes. Woody commits defamation against Buzz by claiming he is not a real space Ranger.

[C]

Tort story.

[B]

Tort story.

[C]

Tort story.

[A]

Toy. There's only tort words.

[C]

What?

[A]

Toy.

[B]

Toy story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Okay, I get it. I get it. Toy. Storty.

[C]

I get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, let's be done. I'm just kidding.

[C]

10 minutes of tech to do one

[B]

and then just trash it. All right, next email. Oh, God, this is way too big.

[A]

Meredith commits assault and battery against his fellow competitors in the arena.

[C]

Glady. Torti. Gladier. Tort.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Glad. Yeah. Willy Wonka. Mice. Willy Wonka. Willy Wonka might face a suit for property negligence due to lack of guardrails around his chocolate river.

[C]

Charlie and the chocolate fact. Tortur.

[A]

Yeah. Factort.

[B]

Factortory, Factorty, factorty, factorty.

[A]

By threatening to drop a speck containing Whoville in a pot of boiling Bazeel nut oil, it could be argued that Sour Kangaroo is committing intentional infliction of emotional distress against the titular elephant, the Lor.

[B]

Thrax.

[C]

Torton. Torton hears a tort. Tortin hears a who.

[A]

Torton hears a who. Yeah. What did you say? Jvc.

[B]

The Lort. Thrax. The Latort. The Latort.

[A]

I would like to see a scene. Adol. You are the prosecution, and you can pick any Dr. Seuss character that you are suing, and these are your opening arguments. And JPC. You have to play whatever Dr. Seuss character he wants you to be.

[C]

Your honor. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Now, I count three fish in two colors. So unless I'm crazy, one of these fish is lying, there's only two fish to be seen.

[B]

Your honor. Your honor, if I may. Could I get, like, a bowl of water or something? Seems kind of a little cruel and unusual. That I.

[A]

Do we have to do a brief recess or is your client. Can someone take control over your client? They're having an emotional outburst here in the courtroom.

[B]

I can take control over my client. Let me just sit here and maybe I'll try it.

[A]

Your honor, this is really serious.

[C]

Your Honor, this cat is ambulatory. On two legs. It's bipedal. Most cats are on all fours. Objection.

[A]

Can we have the lawyers.

[B]

A house without doors.

[C]

Your honor, a house without doors is not a house. That's a shed.

[A]

Can I have the. The council all join me here at my bench, please? If everyone can just come up, please. I would like to talk to the lawyers privately.

[C]

And my axe.

[B]

My bench of yours. A cat on all fours.

[A]

I expect more tax from you. This is a really high profile murder trial, and I just need everyone to sort of lock in. You are doing great prosecution. I'm no complaints. Yes, you're doing fantastic, Mr. Hat.

[B]

Your Honor. Your Honor, may I speak freely?

[A]

Yes. You cannot speak for the trees. You cannot speak for the trees.

[B]

I would defer. Dare to speak for the trees. I can barely speak for the knees.

[A]

Are you drunk? Oh, my gosh. Let me smell your breath.

[C]

It smells like mushrooms and vodka.

[A]

We're gonna have to do a brief recess. The Cat in the hat is drunk.

[B]

Seed. The Cat in the Hat is always drunk. He's a constantly drunk one.

[C]

Yeah. And Thing one and Thing two, I think are pretty stoned.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think they're on meth.

[B]

They have meth vibes. Is redfish bluefish. Is that a line from a Dr. Seuss story or is that a. It's a book, straight up. That's. The whole book is about the fish.

[A]

Blue fish. Yeah, it's for babies. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.

[B]

And then what happens?

[A]

I think they go on an adventure.

[B]

Do they have. Do the fish have personalities that I don't know about?

[A]

No, I don't know. I think they just got, like, a list. I think it's like a listy book.

[B]

It's a listy book. Like Hop on Pop.

[C]

Like, Hop On Pop places you'll go.

[A]

Hop On Pop is a list.

[B]

Yeah. Because Hop On Pop, Right? Isn't Hop On Pop. It's only like one part of Hop On Pop is even about Hop On Pop. Everything else is just a bunch of rhymes, right?

[C]

I'm afraid I haven't read Dr. Seuss in, say, 38 years.

[A]

One fish, two fish red fish, Blue fish, blackfish, blue fish, Old fish, new fish this one has a little car this one has a little star say, what a lot of fish there are. Yes, some are red yes, some are blue Some are old and some are new Some are sad, some are glad and some are very, very bad oh, God. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I don't know. Go ask your dad. Some are thin, some are fat the fat one has a yellow hat from there to here from here to there Funny things are everywhere Here are some who like to run they run for fun in the hot, hot sun oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my what a lot of funny things go by Some have two feet Some have four Some have six feet Some have more where do they come from? I can't say But I bet they have come a long way A long, long way we see them come, we see them go Some are fast, some are slow Some are high Some are low not one of them is like another don't ask us why, Go ask your mother now what did we learn?

[B]

That Dr. Seuss is kind of fucking like chopped and washed and hack and shit. Like, what the fuck was that?

[C]

That the one fish's car is ruined because you put a car in water and it ruins the car.

[A]

I was looking for maybe a little bit more of like, this is an English class. So, like, let's dig deep. What do you think it's a metaphor for?

[C]

Oh, so this is like, what's that Edgar Allan Poe thing with all the colors?

[B]

Delta o', Hart, probably Deltoheart.

[C]

The Mask. What is that? The Red mask or something?

[B]

Count of Emasculation, huh? Aaron, you think that. Aaron, you think that was a metaphor for something?

[A]

It better be. Otherwise it's just a bunch of nonsense words.

[C]

Aaron, I'm mostly impressed that you didn't Google that story or anything. That your eyes just went stark white like Bran in Game of Thrones.

[A]

Yeah, you saw that too, right? I actually wasn't here. Like, I completely blacked out. But I did read the whole thing or say the whole thing, right?

[B]

Aaron is half mintat on her mother's side. Your mom thought, that's a librarian, right? Librarians are mintats. That's what I'm saying here all of

[A]

a sudden I can see through the eyes of a bird. I'm sure that's fine though.

[B]

Yeah, I think Dr. Seuss is fucking nonsense. I like the colorful pictures, but when you take the pictures out, it doesn't make a lick of sense.

[A]

No, no, no. Even if he can talk to animals, this veterinarian faces strict liability if his wild patients should attack Doctort.

[C]

Doolittle.

[B]

Dr. Dolittle.

[A]

Fantastic. Thank you, Lauren.

[C]

Thank you, Lauren.

[A]

I appreciate you.

[B]

And enjoy your law Lauren is what I'll say. Enjoy your Lauren Lawren. Lauren Lawren. Lawrentort.

[A]

I think we're getting it. Let's go on a break because my brain hurts.

[B]

Adol Aaron. I am so fed up with car shopping, I must be doing something wrong. Cause I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach, and I'll get to the checkout and I'll say, also I'd like to buy a car. And they say, well, no, not here. And I go, not here. Then where?

[C]

Jpc, you baby.

[A]

Jpc.

[B]

Tell me what I did, because what I think I did is right. So what did I do?

[C]

You don't go to a store to

[B]

buy a car, okay?

[C]

You use Cargurus app, the new dealership mode. And it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you to similar options, see deal ratings and price history, and estimate your final price. That's right, jpc. It's everything you need at your fingertips so you can feel confident you're getting the best deal. And some store workers aren't going to make fun of you for asking for it at checkout.

[A]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana.

[B]

Well, I want to buy the banana. Oh, please tell me Cargurus will sell me a banana. You know what?

[A]

No.

[B]

I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using Cargurus. You can even use Cargurus Discover a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think, using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and Cargurus Discover will give you real shoppable listings that match. It's a smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby. And they never go bad.

[C]

And I use the Cargurus app to buy us yanks off sheet a Riddle mobile.

[A]

Ooh la lu lah lu lulu.

[C]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[B]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail]. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's Cargurus. C A R G u r u s.com cargurus.com okay, so it looks like

[C]

the Riddle Mobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good.

[A]

Let's just leave it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's mostly for show.

[C]

Hey, jpc. Hey, Aaron.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Yeah, what's up?

[C]

I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky, and I was wondering what all is out there in the night sky?

[A]

Well, stars.

[B]

We're at war with the Pleiadians. What?

[A]

UFOs.

[C]

Wait, the Pleiadians? Are those some sort of aliens and rockets?

[A]

Which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing and then I forgot to cancel it, and I've been paying for it a couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me.

[B]

Yeah, oh, please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[A]

Oh, big time. Big time.

[B]

And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Pleiadians on our doorstep. Mm.

[C]

Now, Pleiadians are paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our. I want to say oxygen. But with Rocket Money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Because you're going to want to save as much money as possible so you and your family can start to buy spaceship parts.

[B]

Plus, the app consolidates your checking, your saving, your loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight the Palladiums Baby is for you. It's all for you. It's for the family. You can see that from your rocket board dashboard without getting overwhelmed that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian that you're using to fight these guys.

[A]

And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency a set it and forget it approach. So let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle R I-D L E they look

[B]

just like us,

[A]

you say joyfully. They look just like us. I want to say oxygen

[C]

Aaron jpc Good morning to you.

[B]

Good morning to you. Adol my dear.

[C]

You know how I used to give my money to the squirrel in my backyard to tuck away for a winter's night?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, that squirrel ate all my money. So I've decided to use something a little more clever. Found.

[A]

Oh thank goodness. Oh my gosh. It was so stressful. When you're giving all your money that squirrel, this is so much better.

[B]

Yeah, because that squirrel eats money. And Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky outdated apps. No more trusting a squirrel who's a wild animal who lives in a tree who likes to eat money.

[A]

Yes, and it makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. Getting revenge on that squirrel.

[C]

And unlike the squirrel, Found has automated things like tracking expenses, finding write offs and budgeting for tax time. That squirrel last year cost me so much money during tax time.

[A]

Yeah, I know that's a headache time of year. The tax time just go to one place that is going to have it completely under control where all of your stuff is in one safe space.

[B]

And as a small business owner, AKA Tyrant, I love FOUND because it allows me to put all of those administrative tasks in one platform. I can get in, I can get out. Saves me time, helps me streamline things. It's a, it's a really great platform if you are running a business.

[C]

But don't take it from them.

[B]

Take it from me.

[A]

This is nuts.

[C]

No take back control of your business today. Open a found account for [e-mail]. that's f o u n d dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member fdic. Join the hundreds of thousands who have already streamline their finances with Found.

[B]

Aaron, that is not a squirrel. That is Richard Kind in a squirrel costume. He is eating adoles money.

[A]

I used to live with George Clooney. Guys, I bet you've noticed that I'm super confident now. It's all kind of turned around for me. I keep getting compliments on my cashmere oversized phoenix sweater.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

Aaron. Yeah? Did you get taller?

[A]

No, I'm just wearing my favorite brown Mongolian cashmere oversized V neck sweater I got from Quint.

[B]

I bet you shrink.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

What the heck?

[A]

I bet you thought this cost an arm and a leg. It did not. It did not.

[B]

Oh, you got turned inside out.

[A]

No, I'm wearing a really cute sweater from Quints.

[C]

Oh, we can see your bones.

[A]

Huh? That's a different thing. We'll talk about that after. Quince has the everyday essentials I love with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion. Lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. The list goes on.

[B]

Yeah. And plus, doesn't quints only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production? I think I remember knowing that about quints.

[A]

Yeah. Just quality clothing. I also have a raincoat from them that is so good. It's the type of piece that you're gonna keep for years and years and years.

[B]

I got a cable knit sweater from Quince and I kid you not, it is the only thing that I have ever followed the directions on to hand wash everything else that I own. I'm like, it says hand wash, but I'm not hand washing this. This is. It's so nice that I'm like, I must hand wash this. This is a nice sweater.

[C]

What I've discovered is since buying items from Quints, I just collect a few very nice items. And it's about quality over quantity. I used to have like 40 different types of jackets, and now I just have two nice ones from Quints and they pair well with everything.

[B]

Okay, so here's the deal.

[A]

I also love their home stuff.

[B]

Their home stuff is amazing. If you don't want to get your bones turned absolutely inside out, like was, I assume, is what happens to Aaron.

[C]

We'll talk about that later.

[A]

I think that's just my body.

[B]

Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quints.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. A that's quint'.com riddle free shipping and 365 day returns.

[A]

Quince.com riddle this one's on me, guys. I did break my arm and didn't notice. No problem at all.

[C]

But you look good doing it.

[A]

I know. Okay, we are back from break. How is everyone's orange slices and Capri Suns?

[C]

Um, good.

[B]

Mine fell on the floor.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna say you guys are looking to the left and right. Did you. Did they fall on the floor?

[B]

Mine fell on the floor. I thought I was supposed to open the Capri sun with the orange and it got real slippery and it both fell on the floor.

[A]

Okay, I left you guys alone for 10 seconds. Every time I look.

[B]

Well, you left us alone and we're both wearing bright orange sweaters that say do not leave alone.

[A]

Yeah, that's on me. That's on me. What do I want to do now? Do I want to do more listener submit or I want to read from a book? Let's have a vote, everyone. This is a democracy.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Everyone gets a vote. Okay, it's the first Tuesday in November.

[B]

So do you get a vote as well, Eric?

[A]

No.

[B]

So it's a two person democracy. Oh, boy. I don't know if this is true.

[A]

Casey can vote.

[B]

Oh, Casey can vote.

[A]

Everybody. Put your vote in the chat.

[B]

Okay, what are my options?

[A]

Listener submitted or from a book? Casey said, Listener. JPC said. Obama and Adel said we try to raise Dr. Seuss from the dead. Okay, Democracy is over. No more democracy.

[B]

No more science.

[C]

It's a tortallian tort. Tortal Torture.

[B]

Tortelitarian.

[C]

Totalitarian. Tortellertalian.

[A]

Tortellatortelian. Perfect. Okay. You know what I noticed over the last several years? I'm old man puzzles.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I used to read long winded riddles. Riddles that were a little bit more story based. And we used to focus more of the episode on those. Sure, I got less and less attracted to those as we went, but I was handed this book at a live show. This has a little bit of longer riddles, so I'm gonna try to reintroduce that back into the fold.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

This does require a level of listening that feels harder to do post COVID lockdown. I think our attention spans have gotten shorter in the last several years. How do we feel about paying attention for a long period of time?

[C]

No.

[A]

Perfect. I completely agree. If you tried to do this to me, I'd freak out.

[C]

Do we need a pen and paper by chance.

[A]

No, you just need to turn your listening ears on. But that feels hard. So if you need to play a game on your phone while it happens or. Yeah.

[B]

When you say we need to be listening, do we need to be listening to the story from the book that you are going to read to us, or do we need to be listening to the little rolling. I want to say movie that's playing in our head? That is the little hot dog in the Coke saying, let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby.

[C]

Let's all go the lobby and have ourselves a snack.

[A]

I would say if that feels like an emergency, if that starts to be sung in sort of a manic way where they're trying to get your attention, focus on that. Otherwise, maybe focus on the riddle.

[C]

Great.

[B]

Lobby.

[C]

I guess it's kind of an emergency. I do have a question.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

The popcorn, the hot dog, and the big soda are going to the lobby for snacks. What are they getting. Because they're the snacks people in the

[B]

longer cut of that, which they cut out because they didn't show it to you in the movie theater. They were going. They were getting, like a person roasting on that hot dog stand.

[A]

Yeah. Like, and they were getting like.

[B]

They were eating people popcorn, which is. I want to say eyeballs. I don't love that, but that's what it is.

[A]

I'm drinking blood. Yeah.

[C]

People popcorn.

[B]

That's in the longer cut, but it's not blood. It's like blood mixed with carbonation, carbonated water. So, like, the blood is the syrup. So it's. Ooh. Actually, that might hit.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

Coca Cola freestyle machine with blood.

[A]

Gpc. You're the hot dog. Hot dog. I did it for you. Adol. You are the soda. I am the popcorn. And we are all kind of like, high at the movies and we're commenting on the movie that we're watching.

[C]

Holy shit.

[A]

Holy shit.

[C]

They're gonna go to space and destroy the asteroid.

[A]

That's fucking nuts.

[B]

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Why wouldn't they just train astronauts how to use a drill? Why would they train. Why would they train oil drillers to be astronauts? Isn't astronauts way hard? Who's eating my bun? Who's eating my bun?

[A]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. What the fuck? What the fuck? Sorry. We tried to get dinner before this, and then we were running late.

[C]

Oh, my God. I just thought of something. Something.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

Is the straw My mouth or my dick?

[A]

Oh, my God. It's your dick. Put it away. Hide it. Hide it. Oh, my God. Hide it. Yikes, yikes. Yikes.

[B]

You can't shove your dick back inside.

[A]

No, I'm. Just cover it up. I mean, cover it up. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You guys think he's handsome?

[B]

Who?

[A]

The guy in.

[B]

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait.

[C]

Michael Duncan.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He kills it. Horn dog. What a great character. What a great character. Archetype.

[A]

That's my bun.

[B]

Okay, fine. I'm gonna take. I am gonna take one of you. I'm gonna take a little bite of one of you because you've been eating my bun all night.

[C]

I'm a soda.

[A]

So, hey, you three gotta leave shining a flashlight on you. This is not a place for an orgy. This is a movie theater. One of you has your dick out. The other one's eating the other one's buns. You gotta go. The three of you have got to go.

[B]

All right, all right, all right, all right. What's caught?

[C]

Okay, let's see the ending, and then we'll get out of here.

[A]

All right? Okay.

[C]

All right, we're going. Oh, he's putting an animal cracker on her tummy.

[B]

See?

[A]

What movie is this? I recommend Armageddon. Armageddon. I know.

[B]

I. Armageddon.

[C]

What movie has Ben Affleck putting an animal cracker on Liv Tyler's tummy?

[A]

Cause I remember the part with training them to go to space.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cause then he says that in the commentary or something of it.

[C]

That might have been Owen Wilson's big break.

[B]

I think it was. The best part about that movie is that Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck have sex to a Steven Tyler song. And it just feels like that kind of feels a little wrong.

[C]

Right?

[B]

That's your dad singing. Your dad's singing right now.

[A]

I would like to do. That's so funny. I would like to do an experiment right now. This is gonna be a scene, but it's actually just us doing the commentary for the beginning part of this episode. So we're gonna do DVD commentary. We're just gonna try to remember the best we can of what happened at the beginning of this episode. So you can layer this later, listeners, if you wanna hear commentary from the beginning of the episode.

[C]

See?

[B]

And I think what Aaron's doing here is so brave, because normally, peek behind the curtain. We cut out 10 to 15 minutes per episode of Erin trying to zoom into her computer screen or find out. I mean, it took a long time to figure out What a tab was she kept trying to pay her tab, her various tabs. We were watching her feed $1 bills into her computer, but we left it in the episode. And that. I feel like that's a pretty brave choice.

[A]

And did we leave it in the episode or did Erin go through the edit and she sort of made sure.

[B]

Well, another peek behind the curtain is that Aaron doesn't post the episodes. And what Casey does is he can make sometimes fake files and gives them to Aaron and says, this is the episode. You could definitely hear this episode. And then someone else goes and puts the real file in the episode. And Aaron, what do you have to say about that?

[A]

Oh, Adol's about to make a joke and he makes. He sticks the landing. Adol, how did you get a stunt double to do that? Or.

[C]

Yes, that was actually Oksana Bayul.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Remember her? Yes, remember Oksana Bayul. Seen what a strange combination of letters coming from Adol. Shogi Rafai.

[B]

Oksana.

[C]

I like Oksana Bayoul.

[A]

The absolute tug of war that's going to happen behind the scenes in this episode between JPC and I. This is going to be emotional warfare that Casey's going to be in the crosshairs of. And Adol. You should try to do a secret edit, the secret ADOL edit and get one over on both of us.

[C]

This will be like the Zack Snyder director's cut.

[A]

Yes, you make it four hours longer and much, much worse anytime.

[B]

No more work is required from anyone in this podcast. There is zero tug of war. It is. One person may decide to do it and everyone else does not.

[A]

Mike Peters was surprised to see his windows slide open and was positively shocked when he saw two strangers climb inside. What transpired next could only be described as a despicable act of thievery. Mike watched with fascination as the two thieves systematically began to remove the priceless Persian carpets, artwork, and jewelry. Having stripped the room, the thieves climbed back out the window. Incredibly, Mike went back to what he had been doing before, and the thieves arrived. And soon he forgotten about the entire incident. Why wouldn't Mike, who was in perfect health, have tried to stop the thieves or at the very least called the police after they left?

[C]

Sorry, you said at some point the thieves arrived.

[A]

Mike went back to what he had been doing before the thieves arrived.

[C]

Oh, okay. Is this like in Sims? Is this like a Sims?

[A]

Yeah, they're all sims.

[C]

Gabe.

[B]

Mike Peters in my imagining here is not a human. I gotta think that Mike Peters is like, what's something with like no memory. Like a silkworm or something like that. Like a spider. Do we know about spider memory?

[A]

All the silkworms listening to this are so offended.

[B]

For 15 seconds. Yeah.

[C]

Is Mike Peters a human?

[A]

Mike Peters is a human.

[B]

Okay. It said that they were stealing Persian rugs, right? Cause in my mind I was like, oh, he's like in the hospital. He's got some memory disorder or something like that. Or he's like, he's in perfect health. He's in perfect health. And you wouldn't steal Persian rugs from a hospital, right? So it's gotta be a place that you are stealing if you're a bad person.

[A]

You are. And if the hospital is super fancy. That doesn't apply here though.

[C]

The amount of liquid, the amount of bodily fluids that are hitting that Persian rug.

[A]

Yum.

[B]

Bed hand on a Persian rug. Ooh la la.

[C]

Bed, man on the Persian rug.

[A]

I did a deep clean of my couch yesterday with my like wet couch vacuum thing that does the fabric cleaning. And I have a white couch. And I was like, oh, it's actually not that dirty. Like this should be okay. Jet black water in the vacuum. It's disgusting. And I was like, oh my God, I lay on this all day. What have I done?

[B]

You have a black dog and a white couch. Huh?

[A]

I know I do.

[B]

Did you get the couch before you got Lou?

[A]

No, after. But shout out to allform couches. Cause it's in really good shape still and it cleans up really well.

[B]

Hey, if you want to give. If you want to stop giving a shit about any piece of furniture or like thing that you own in your house. All you have to do is have a kid because they treat it like absolute garbage. And you go, okay, good. I'm now releasing the part of me that cares about things being nice. Now everything. Now everything you can just beat the shit out of. Who cares?

[A]

A house is to be lived in.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that. Is Mike Peters a baby?

[A]

Yes. Mike Peters is a baby.

[C]

Jbc, you help me.

[B]

Mike Peters is a baby.

[C]

This is my baby. Mike Peters.

[B]

That actually. That fucking rules. Introducing your baby. First and last name.

[A]

Mike Peters is a baby.

[B]

This is my baby. Mike Peters. Yeah, but why is your guys last name Abrams? We just love the name Mike Peters for a baby. Mike Peters was actually my dad's best friend, his old war buddy. And so when he died, we said, we're going to name our kid after you. And we went literal with it. Mike Peters as a baby. It feels like if you want to have your baby, have Like Bruce Willis. Look who's talking voice.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You're like. You name your baby like Mike Peters and give them like a, A badge.

[C]

Because I feel like Mike Peters baby. I feel like within that sentence someone's flashing a badge.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Mike Peters baby.

[B]

Mike Peters baby. How long has the person been living in this residence?

[C]

I say about three. Oh, oh, he's asleep. Mike peters.

[B]

Mike peters. Perfection. I guess there are like plenty of people named Mike. I know a couple of Mikes, but it also does not seem, I feel like when they're a baby, you go, Mikey. You're like, this is Mikey. And then like later on you drop it to Mike. But like, Mike Peters is just. It's too old timey of a name for a baby.

[C]

Yeah, it's too formal. Even though it's Michael, it's too formal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If anyone needs a pet name for your pet, Mike Peters is really funny.

[C]

This is my baby, Donald Johansson.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

Walk away from me.

[C]

Donald Johansson's doing tummy time.

[A]

I wouldn't want this musty old dump if you gave it to me. Snapped Ida Gamble. Look, Replied Samsham Sham. Clem may have been a whacked out hermit, but I have a feeling he hid a fortune on this property. This house has been boarded up for seven years. All you need to do is pay the back taxes and my modest fee and this little gem is all yours. I'm outta here. Cried Ida. Wait. Just let me show you the secret staircase I found. Sam pulled back the oak pressed paper paneling to reveal the hidden staircase. Look, that step is loose and there's something shiny behind it. Sam pulled back the loose step to discover a small collection of shiny sterling silver cutlery. I knew it. Exclaimed Sam. This house contains a fortune. I think I might buy it myself. Not so fast, replied Ida. You offered me the house and I just bought it. How do you know that Ida has just been scammed?

[B]

Well, I mean, as far as scams,

[A]

I'll go to the lobby.

[B]

It seems like a pretty obvious scam for someone to be like, hey, do you want this thing? And someone would be like, no. And then for them to immediately find something very valuable and be like, whoa, look at this. I found something very valuable. That, that, that strikes me as like Three card Monty. Like you're, you're getting scammed immediately here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but why, how, how do we know what detail gives it away other than the obvious vibes seemed like

[C]

he knew where the hidden panel was.

[B]

I mean the whole thing, right? Is there, is there one thing in here? Because it seems like a collection of, like, hidden panel. Sterling silver.

[A]

Yeah, but like what? Like what is an ob. Like this. What are they. What are they looking for?

[C]

Treasure.

[A]

No, like what?

[B]

Love. Oh, love.

[A]

No, it's an indicator, I guess.

[B]

You're never looking for it.

[A]

It's an indicator that he.

[B]

Is he too precise when he says sterling silver? Like, does he know it's sterling silver? Like, too quickly? Do you have to get that tested?

[A]

No, but you are zoning in on the right detail.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Sterling silver doesn't shine.

[B]

Ah, yes. Sterling silver is dull.

[A]

If Clem's musty old house had been boarded up for seven years, the sterling silver cutlery would have been badly tarnished and not shiny. It was an obvious plant by the master of scams, Sam Sham.

[B]

Okay. By the way, Sam Sham, not the master of scams. First of all, buddy, gotta change your name. Go with maybe Mike Peters. A little more innocuous. If you're running scams on people, I'd

[C]

like to see a scene. Okay, Aaron, you are running a scam as a fortune teller. Gpc. You are a hapless customer who is going in for the first time to get your fortune told. Ah.

[A]

I knew you were coming in here today.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, that's. That's wonderful. That's. Oh, my God. You must be the real. Do I sit anywhere?

[A]

Yeah, sit in. Oh, I knew you were going to pick that chair.

[B]

Oh, yes. It looks like the one. The one chair in the room. I didn't know if there was other options of chairs. My God, you're good.

[A]

Whoa. This is so crazy. A message is being channeled to me.

[B]

That's why I'm here. For a message.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. You're about to tell me. Tell you your bank routing number.

[B]

Well.

[A]

And your Social Security number.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, I guess I don't mind telling you, my routing number. Those are.

[A]

And the account number.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna say because those are just like.

[A]

And the Social Security.

[B]

You need to bank. So. But the account number and the Social Security number. I was gonna tell you that.

[A]

Yes, it's very important that you do. Your life depends on it.

[B]

Okay. 02171984. And then my Social Security number is 61821.

[C]

Not so fast, Mike Peters, baby. Detective, we've been circling this lady for three months trying to get her.

[A]

Mike Peters. You'll never get me. You can't crawl fast enough, idiot.

[C]

She's right, of course. Throw me. You have to throw me.

[A]

You can barely hold up your neck. What's gonna happen when he throws you? You can't grab onto nothing. You're gonna pull yourself off on the coffee table and dance a little. Yeah, right. Mike Peters. You'll never catch me. I jumped out the window. I thought I was on the first floor two stories up.

[B]

I guess I pick up Mike Peters and throw Mike Peters out the window as well.

[A]

Mike Peters, baby Detective. He's a freeze frame out the window.

[C]

Smash mouth to me Hanging on my feet.

[B]

Can I go? Should I go?

[A]

SCENE it happened in Alaska during the winter of 1993 when a small, fully loaded passenger plane tried to approach the Runway during a violent snowstorm. The control tower regretfully informed the pilot that due to the inclement weather, the runways were closed to all air traffic. Furthermore, all airports within a 300 mile radius were also closed. Upon hearing this, the pilot immediately informed the passengers of the news while turning the plane around and heading back from where they had just come. Incredibly enough, within a half hour, all the passengers were safely inside an airport terminal building. How was this possible?

[C]

The plane was on the ground.

[B]

Plane was on the ground.

[A]

The passengers and the crew were approaching the Runway for takeoff when they were informed that the runways were closed and their flight was canceled.

[B]

Oh, what a happy ending. That's always such a fun ending.

[A]

Yeah, I'd like to see a scene. You two are pilots and you were flying a plane and you both don't want to be the one to give the bad news over the intercom because you don't want to be the bad guy that you guys are not going to be taking off.

[C]

This is your captain speaking For United Flight 483 non stop to Phoenix. We have a bit of bad news and my co pilot chat is going to tell you that right now.

[B]

Now.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

This is Chad. I am your co pilot, of course, Captain Dan up here. He is the head honcho, the main captain. The bad news that I was going to deliver. I know we said earlier in the flight that the expected weather in Phoenix was going to be a balmy 78 degrees. It's now looking like it's going to be 82 in Phoenix. Unfortunately, that's not the end of our bad news. More over to Dan.

[C]

Captain Dan speaking of 82 in Phoenix. My aunt is 82 years old today and I just got word that she did pass away. She fell in a shower, conked her head and died on impact. So if you need to get off the flight due to that information, please make your way to the front of the plane. We'll Let you out quick style. If you look to the left, you'll see your co pilot, Chad about to make an announcement. Chad.

[B]

Chad again. Looks like somebody checked a wolf in their checked luggage and the wolf is loose in the bottom of the plane. So if you are allergic to wolves in any way and you want to make your way off the plane today, United will of course reimburse you for a different flight. If you're fine with a loose wolf on the plane, stay on, by all means. Back. Over to you, Dan, for more plane news.

[C]

In plane news today, one of you is a real passenger and the other 87 are air marshals. I'll leave it to you to figure out who's who. Back to you, Chad.

[B]

Speaking of air marshals, the Air Jordans that you bought at Marshalls are fake. You have 24 hours to return to the store. If that applies to anyone on the plane, please, please exit the plane now. Back to you, Dan.

[C]

Just a heads up for all you passengers who might have Jordans or any other patent leather shoe. Patent leather is a term used for the cheapest quality of leather. They call it patent leather. Some people think it means genuine, but it's actually a term for the cheapest cut of leather. Back to you, Chad.

[B]

Speaking of genuine. Genuine doing a special performance of pony in the O' Hare Terminal 5 break room. If you are interested in attending a free concert of Genuine singing only the song Pony as many times as he can before he passes out, feel free to deplay now.

[C]

Speaking of Pony, I just want to say a quick announcement to one of our passengers. Say, golden Pony boy, stay golden, whatever that means to you.

[A]

Are we getting take off or take off?

[B]

Take off.

[A]

Yeah, we've been on the Runway for like two hours.

[C]

This thing's like £40,000. What are you talking about?

[A]

That's what airplanes do.

[B]

What? What?

[A]

See.

[C]

The two dumbest men alive.

[A]

This thing's like 40,000 pounds. Okay, okay, let's do a voicemail theme, please. Casey,

[C]

I must have my beef. On your knees, Butler. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold

[B]

on, hold on is nuts.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[C]

Okay, I have a new ringtone.

[B]

That is another one from Jade Cipher. And of course, this is Jade Cipher month, because Jade Cipher submitted four of those and we have two more to go. Thank you so much for submitting. If you want to submit a voicemail 30 seconds or less to HRR podcast gmail.com, of course.

[C]

Ruled.

[B]

Hey, this is Johnny down in Pensacola. Let's see if I can do this in 30 seconds. Adel, I just got back from New Orleans. Those three things I probably should have done but didn't. Jpc, with the way this world's going, what are your top three budgeting tips? And, Aaron, what are your top three tips for keeping sane and happy when the bullshit just won't stop? Thank you all for everything you do. We need y' all right now. Stay strong, y'. All.

[C]

What a charming message. What was their name? Couldn't quite make it.

[B]

I want to say Johnny and Pensacola, but that just. It just. It sounded very Johnny. But it could be. It could be. It's Pensacola.

[C]

We could just refer to J.

[B]

We could refer to this person as Pensacola.

[C]

Here's three things you should have done. Number one, pronounced it Chapatoulis, not tecapitalis.

[A]

I think it was Mike Peters.

[C]

Oh, baby. Detective. Number two, you should have sought out Lausas by the track, the best hot butter shrimp po boy in town.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And number three, you should have tipped the band at Preservation hall to play St. James Infirmary or Tiger Rag, because they do take requests.

[B]

Okay, okay, three for me real quick. The first one. Number the bullet. Budgeting is not necessarily about, like, controlling your spending. It's about understanding your spending. So the first thing you have to do is don't put any judgment on yourself. Just get an idea of where you spend your money. That might help you make further decisions, or it might just help you figure out where you spend your money. Number two, budgeting does not mean that you can't get anything, like, nice for yourself or do fun things for yourself. So remember to give yourself some grace. And remember that, you know, taking care of yourself is just as important. So it's important to. If you need to spend money on yourself in that way. And then number three is set manageable goals, I would say, for it. So, like, if you're doing it for your first month, you should just set a goal of, like, having an awareness of your money. And then, like, after that, if you want to spend less on, like, dining out, you can set that as a manageable goal. But don't try to do that your first month, because it'll lead to failure. And failure will make you want to stop, which it shouldn't. Failure should make you want to try again.

[A]

All right, Erin, jpc, that was really great advice.

[B]

Thank you. Everything that Adol said about New Orleans, I couldn't tell if he was making it up because I've never been there and I don't know any of those places.

[A]

So my advice, I'm going to hit you with the classic Mr. Rogers look for the helpers. That's been incredibly helpful recently. There's always people helping in dire situations, so that will help you self soothe to remember that humanity has some good in it. Consume stuff that you enjoyed when you were a child. Try to make a younger you proud. And my third piece of advice is go and get your blood work done. Make sure that your inner health is okay and maybe you are vitamin D deficient like the rest of the population and get that worked out because that will give you a little boost up if you're feeling a little blue and a little bit down.

[B]

Erin, you're always saying stop making your blood work for you and start working for your blood.

[A]

Exactly. That's exactly. It's grind culture mindset. Oh, go ahead.

[C]

I was just going to say I don't know much about budgeting, but I'd also say I don't know how old you are, but I would say start investing for retirement. And I would say buy five to 10 to 12 houses.

[B]

Yes. Actually that's huge. That is huge if you can buy five to 10 to 12 houses, which

[C]

is recent Scott Besant advice so insane

[A]

that made me laugh out loud when I saw it. Anything to plug, guys.

[C]

Hmm. I want to plug gum, shoes and dragons. I don't think that's a theme song, but I would agree.

[B]

Close.

[C]

That's pretty close. Check that out. We have a lot of fantastic guests. We have a lot of fun on the show itself. We have a Patreon, so check all that out. Also, please listen to hello from the Magic Tavern and check out our Patreon. Hey, Riddle, Riddles, Patreon. Especially not to tease it too early, but especially in that oogiest of months, April, because we will be doing April of the Penguins, which means Penguin baseball, Aaron Keefe, anything to plug or promote.

[A]

Check out Quality Time if you're in Los Angeles. I have met so many very sweet Hayward o' Riddle listeners at Quality Time recently that have been like in town visiting friends and there for other reasons and happen to be there at the same time as Quality Time. And it is so nice that people have been showing up. But if you can follow us on Instagram to see when our next show is jpc. A review to read. Anything to plug.

[B]

Keep leaving these five star reviews, people. This one I absolutely love and there's some ones coming up that I love as well. This one just says 5 star review from Lorelei Fay. That says a guy I met on Tinder told me about this podcast he turned out to be a pervert and I ghosted him. But two years later, I'm still listening to the show. Hope you're doing well. Josh. Peter. Josh. Josh. And a wag of my finger to Josh.

[A]

Josh, come on. This is a wake up call.

[B]

And Josh, whatever you did to be a pervert, it sounds like it wasn't a good pervert. It sounds like you were being a pretty naughty pervert.

[A]

All right, well, we're gonna keep an eye on that. And hot dogs.

[B]

It's not hot dogs.

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

Only for Patreon.

[A]

Why can't I do it here too? Why are we limiting ourselves?

[B]

I guess you care in Cheetah and John Patrick calling Casey. Tony did the editing. Marty Paris in the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naboris. One, two, three, four. Hey, riddle, riddle.

[C]

Let's all go the lobby let's all go the lobby let's all go the lobby to get ourselves a treat.

[B]

Hey there, pranks and dressing rooms. If you like that, you are gonna love this week's Patreon. It's another edition of Public Access. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyriddlerettle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or sorry, 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast. Day or night, VRBoCare is here 24, 7 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home.

[B]

We're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support.

[A]

And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.