#398: Jeemp Bram Carokee

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle Ep. #398: "Jeemp Bram Carokee" (March 4, 2026)

Host: Headgum
Main Cast: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Summary By: Podcast Summarizer

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Episode Overview

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle is as chaotic, hilarious, and self-referential as ever. Adal, Erin, and JPC riff with their signature improv, diving into the world of acting auditions, celebrity lookalikes, fame, and—naturally—riddles and word games. The cast takes every excuse to detour into wild sketches, personal anecdotes, and running inside jokes, often straying from riddles in riotous directions featuring Muppets, car commercials, fast food horror stories, and more. As always, if you come for riddles, you’ll stay for the tangents.

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Key Segments & Discussion Breakdown

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1. Improv Auditions and Charm Bomb Scenes

[00:06–04:10]

• The group cold-opens with an improv: “We’re auditioning for the next charm bomb romantic comedy.” They throw out comedic dialogue with every character trying to ooze maximum charm.
• Running gags: audition lateness, writing notes for a (fake) movie, and absurd reasons for missing auditions go back and forth.

Notable Moment:
JPC plays the jaded casting director:

“Why don’t we—stop touching me? Just a casting director, so you don’t really need to touch me at all.” (02:22)

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2. Celebrities Who Got the Part and Typecasting

[04:16–10:09]

• Erin is informed, jokingly, that she didn’t get cast in old roles (like Garden State, Queen Amidala), devolving into a bit about kissing Natalie Portman versus Keira Knightley stunt-doubles.
• The trio muses on the kinds of “type” Erin would be up against if auditioning (“Oscar the Grouch, Ghost of Christmas Past from Muppet Christmas Carol, and that creepy doll from Toy Story 4”).
• JPC shares a real anecdote about casting calls referencing “a mix between Conor O’Malley and Zach Cherry” (07:59), leading to riffing on industry tropes of wanting “this type, but for less money”.

JPC: “Anytime it says they want a this type, that person should be legally required to audition, if only so they can be told: yeah, but not you. Like, yeah you, but less money.” (08:12)

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3. Triples is Best: Warm-Up Riddle Game

[14:26–16:04]

• Classic HRR format: Casey leads a game where the group must find what three things have in common (e.g., Van Halen, the Munsters, Norbit = “Famous Eddies,” Peach/Strawberry/Blueberry = “Words”—mockingly simple).

Casey: “Van Halen, the Munsters, Norbit.”
JPC: “They’re all words.”
Casey: “You got it. They’re all words.” (14:39)

• The segment quickly escalates into improvisational tangents and comic frustration at overly clever or simplistic answers.

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4. Riddles, Palindromes, and Improv Scenes

[16:09–22:29]

• The crew works their way through more advanced riddles (palindromes: “Racecar, Kayak, Yo Banana Boy”), magicians/performance stunts (David Blaine), and always, an excuse for elaborate scenes.
• Each riddle becomes a reason for full improv, like the sketch about “Banana Boy”—the bullied kid famous for his all-banana lunch.

Notable Scene:

“I took the liberty of googling you, Banana Boy. That was your first mistake.” —Erin as the high school bully (17:22)

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5. Magic and Magician Personalities

[22:53–26:29]

• The trio riffs on David Blaine and magician tropes (“Is every famous magician just a complete psychopath? Is Penn Jillette the only good one?”).
• Stories about seeing Lance Burton in Vegas, classifying magicians into “B-tier” and debating the rarity of a genuinely pleasant celebrity magician.

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6. Wordplay, Film, and Muppets (as Always)

[27:26–32:15]

• A riddle about “in the can” (film completed/Oscar the Grouch/prisoner = “in the can”) leads to a sketch about garbage men implicated in the deaths of multiple Muppets on Sesame Street.
• Deep dives into Sesame Street lore, “Was there ever a garbage man on Sesame Street?” and the anatomy of Muppets.

Erin: “Muppets are mostly pubes.”
JPC: “[He] immediately flinched like he knew he shouldn’t have said it.” (32:00)

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7. Fast Food and Gross-Out Horror Stories

[47:04–53:09]

• The crew swaps fast food hot-takes (Hungry Howie’s, Jollibee, Little Caesar’s), with Casey’s graphic “hairball in marinara” story stealing the show.

Casey: “I then just sort of dipped my fingers in and pulled out what can only be described as a hairball. A glob of human hair in ball form. Not a strand, not a thread. A ball of hair.” (50:19)

• Improv scenes on peanut butter panties, car commercial outtakes, and Jeep Grand Cherokee “saving a marriage” abound.

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8. Food Debates: Oats, Peanut Butter, and Nightly Rituals

[60:03–62:31]

• JPC earnestly discusses overnight oats and warns against using steel-cut oats (“Do not use steel cut to make overnight oats. You absolutely must use old fashioned. Steel cut just won’t soak in as well.”)
• This morphs into a scene where oats take on personalities (“I’m friends with Knife. He cuts me.”).

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9. Riddle: Population Explosion

[65:04–67:40]

• Riddle: “What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames?” The answer is population.
• This leads to a sketch about a woman whose date literally “exploded” from sex, and a bemused fireman.

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10. Listener Questions and Life Advice

[70:05–73:41]

• A voicemail from a listener at a “water factory” leads to ruminations on how to stay awake during night shifts. Tips include: alertness gum, drinking water, adrenaline, and starting petty arguments.

Erin: “Find out someone’s cheating on you…Every time I found that out, I’m wired.” (73:02)

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11. Final Review, Five For Fighting, and Hardware Store Easter Egg

[74:07–75:25]

• JPC reads a review that turns out to be the lyrics for Weird Al’s “Hardware Store,” confirming he’ll read anything in a review and tying back to their love of absurdist, referential humor.
• The episode closes out with classic sign-offs, hot dog chants, and Patreon plugs.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Owls with bangs in Chicago going out for the same commercials.” —Erin (09:31)
• “I went to my annual skin screening, which is when they project a movie on your skin. Today, I chose The Waterboy.” —JPC (12:55)
• “Muppets are mostly pubes.” —Casey (32:00)

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Key Timestamps for Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Summary | |--------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:06 | Improvised audition sketches and charm bombs | | 04:16–10:09 | Audition disasters, Natalie Portman, and typecasting meta-humor | | 14:26–16:04 | “Triples is Best” riddle game, quickly derailed for jokes | | 16:09–22:29 | Palindromes, best “Eddies,” improv (Banana Boy), David Blaine stunts | | 22:53–26:29 | Magicians: Are any of them good people? Childhood Vegas stories | | 27:26–32:15 | “In the can” riddle, Muppets murdered by garbagemen, Muppet trivia | | 47:04–53:09 | Fast food gross-outs (hairball in the marinara! Little Caesar’s lore) | | 60:03–62:31 | Overnight oats: steel-cut vs old fashioned—food debates and personified oats sketch | | 65:04–67:40 | Riddle: The “population explosion” and an explosive date scene | | 70:05–73:41 | “Water factory” listener voicemail, staying awake, and ill-advised energy hacks | | 74:07–75:25 | Five For Fighting, reading a review full of Hardware Store lyrics |

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Overall Tone

Joyfully chaotic, absurdly meta, laden with improv and in-jokes. The hosts are quick with bits, always willing to derail for a wordplay pun or shared trauma about food or acting, and maintain their signature mix of brainy and ridiculous humor throughout.

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If You Liked:

• Quick-witted improv comedy
• Deep-cut pop culture and childhood references
• Word games with frequent digressions about the Muppets, magic, or breakfast food
• Absurdist, behind-the-scenes looks at showbiz

…this is a classic episode you’ll enjoy, listening or not.

Transcript

[Aaron Keating]

This is a headgun podcast.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice ray. And the horse is being Friday. Okay, so we are auditioning, and this is kind of just a big group audition. We're basically. We're just looking for the next, like, oozing, exuding, charm. Just charm, charm, charm, charm bomb for our next romantic comedy. So we just want to see you kind of in your natural state, kind of exuding as much charm as you possibly can. We. We really want you to pop on screen, and we want everyone who watches to, like, fall in love with your antics.

[Aaron Keating]

Knock, knock, knock. Are my ears burning? Leans against door, Throws jacket over shoulder.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Are you here for the audition? You're 45 minutes late.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, I'm sorry. I saw a puppy on the side of the road and had to stop and save it. Oh, that's okay.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, that's. Wow. That's actually. Hey, write this down. What was your name?

[Aaron Keating]

It's a long story.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Hey, write that down.

[Aaron Keating]

You've got an eyelash. Let me just.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ooh.

[Aaron Keating]

Ow.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ow. I have lots of eyelashes. They're all attached.

[Aaron Keating]

Make a wish.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Wish you wouldn't do that anymore. Really wish you wouldn't do that anymore.

[Aaron Keating]

Wish came true.

[Casey]

Sorry I'm late. I got caught in the rain. And I've always told myself since I was a young boy, anytime it rains, live free. Don't put up an umbrella. Don't run inside. Let the water soak you to the bone, because those are the moments.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Write that down. Write all that down. These are the moments. Write all that down.

[Casey]

Hey.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Sorry.

[Casey]

You got some hair in your face. Let me tuck it behind your ear.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh.

[Casey]

Ow.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I just had a transplant.

[Casey]

Sorry about that.

[Aaron Keating]

Ow.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay, no, it's fine. It's fine. Everybody, why don't we. Stop touching me? Just a casting director, so you don't really need to touch me at all. Why don't you. We have all of our.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm sorry I'm late.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Did you leave? And now you're coming back.

[Aaron Keating]

Or don't go. Okay, stay.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Stay for the audition or stay.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay, Write this down. Is that what you want me to say? Cause I'll say it. I'll say it over and over and over again. Be here. Stay here. Be with me.

[Casey]

Carol. Carol. Am I too late? Did you get back together with Dave?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I don't know who either one of those people are, but that's fine.

[Casey]

But I want you to know that no one will ever love you the way I love you.

[Aaron Keating]

Pick us. Choose us.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, we're actually not casting. We're just seeing if we can get people to give us a bunch of dialogue that we're going to steal advice for the movie. This has been so helpful for me. Peas and carrots. Peas and carrots.

[Aaron Keating]

Peas and carrots.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Background actors getting upset. Peas or carrots?

[Casey]

Peas or carrots?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Hey. Welcome to the premiere show. For peas and carrots, I'm jpc, which stands for John Piece of carrots.

[Casey]

I'm Adler.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Rhubarb.

[Casey]

Rhubarb.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm Aaron. Anything. Leaf.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Just.

[Casey]

Huh.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Erin Leif.

[Casey]

No.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Eren. Hey, everyone's was good. Erin Leif is her name.

[Aaron Keating]

Keith.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron, you're still looking like you want to do more than Aaron Leif.

[Aaron Keating]

Leek. Aaron Leek.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron. Don't you don't. You don't want to do that one.

[Aaron Keating]

Aaron on onion. Onion.

[Casey]

Aaron, I hate to be the one to tell you this. I don't know why I'm telling you this and not your agent or what family member, but you.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, my God.

[Casey]

What? Did not get Garden State. Apparently it went to.

[Aaron Keating]

I didn't get the 2005 movie Garden State.

[Casey]

Apparently it went to the young woman from the Professional. Yes. Zach Braff. Got it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ah.

[Aaron Keating]

I wanted to kiss Natalie Portman. I don't even care anymore. I don't even care. I'm going to quit. I'm gonna quit. I'm quitting.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, Aaron, stick with it. Aaron, I think that eventually you can kiss Natalie Portman. Stick with it.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay. I'll give it one more year.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Although. And Aaron, I hate to. Hate to burst your bubble because I know you have goals.

[Aaron Keating]

What?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I don't think Natalie Portman actually kisses in any of those movies. I think she has a kiss double.

[Aaron Keating]

I can double the kisses.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, it's just. It's Keira Knightley. Keira Knightley is. If you think you're kissing Natalie Portman, you're kissing Keira Knightley.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and not complain about that. I'm going to go ahead and let that be awesome.

[Casey]

Oh, Aaron, I know I just gave you bad news, but I'm.

[Aaron Keating]

Fuck.

[Casey]

It sucks that I have to tell you this. It seems like you did not get the part of Queen amidala in the 1990. I want to say, eight Star Wars.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, my God. Did he?

[Aaron Keating]

And Christians didn't get it. I'm so fucking tired of him getting all the parts that I want.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, it was actually Jimmy Smith jumper.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, okay. Never mind.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Smith's got it. Smith deserved it all.

[Casey]

He can do it all.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, did you guys love it when Jimmy Smith showed up back in Andor.

[Casey]

Was that him?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, they recast it. I think he wasn't available.

[Casey]

So they got Benjamin Bratt or whatever.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Benjamin Bratt.

[Casey]

Benjamin Bratton. Jimmy Smith's do look like kissing cousins.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I do. Like in andor when it is Benjamin Bratt and not Jimmy Smith, no one was like, oh, man. They didn't get Jimmy Smith. They got. They went. They did as best as. They got Benjamin Brat. They did as best as they could do. They had. They got someone who was sort of like Jimmy Smits.

[Casey]

I think Jimmy Smits, Benjamin Bratt and Lou Diamond Phillips are all sort of circling the same target. I want to say, you know when

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

you go into an audition room and you sit down and you see Benjamin Brat, Lou Dobbin Phillips and Jimmy Smits, you're not getting the part. You're not getting the part.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, I'd see myself out.

[Casey]

Aaron, who do you think if you went on an audition.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay.

[Casey]

Who do you think you would. What known celebrities do you think he'd be up against? Who are some Aaron fans?

[Aaron Keating]

Oscar the Grouch.

[Casey]

Yep.

[Aaron Keating]

The ghost of Christmas past from Muppet Christmas Carol. And that creepy doll from Toy Story 4.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Annabelle.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes. Oh, my God. Thank you.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes. So, Aaron, you probably have some experience with this, but when you. Sometimes when you get like an audition, they'll have like sides. They'll have like a character breakdown of like the person that they're looking for, the type that they're looking for for this. And something that people do very often is if there's like a very hot, popular person, they will say like a this type or a that type in the audition. Recently, a friend shared with me some audition sites as they got. And the audition sides very were like. It was like a. The thing that they were calling for was a mix between Conor o' Malley and Zack Cherry.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, my God.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That's what they. Well, which is like crazy. That's what they said in the sides, like the description. And I thought Connor Cherry, Zack o' Malley somewhere there. Zack o'.

[Casey]

Malley.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

But I thought it would be so funny if either Zach Cherry or Conor o' Malley auditioned for that thing. Like, anytime it says that they want a this type, that person, I think should be legally required to have to audition for that just so that the people could be like, yeah, but not you. Like, yeah, you, but less money. Like, I don't I don't want to pay for you you.

[Aaron Keating]

But less money.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah. This type. But like not, not obtainable in a way. Yeah.

[Casey]

The poor man.

[Aaron Keating]

But non union.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

A non union sex. That's what they should put in there. We want a non union caught roll. Aaron, do you ever. Do you ever see side stuff like that?

[Aaron Keating]

I don't audition as much anymore, but I.

[Casey]

You're offer only.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm offer only? No, I just don't love doing on camera stuff. So I just, just don't do it. But I in my 20s would be like a lot of like because I had long black hair. It would be a lot of like Zooey Deschanel type. Like awkward girl next door, which was brutal. And then you'd show up at an audition and everyone would look exactly like me.

[Casey]

Everyone has a little ukulele.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah. Like sort of sunken owl eyes. Just meet a lot of owls with bangs in Chicago going out for the same commercials.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Owls with bangs.

[Aaron Keating]

It is like a three week period when you're a woman in your 20s that you, that you are like going out for like young cool girl at the bar stuff to like old crone.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The mother of a crone.

[Aaron Keating]

Like kooky teacher.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You're too old to play a crone, but you could play a crone's grandma, you know what?

[Aaron Keating]

Honored. Honored to be an old grandma.

[Casey]

Well, I think we need to put this to the test. I do need to see a scene. You said, what was it? Old grandma. Cold grandma.

[Aaron Keating]

Old and cold grandma.

[Casey]

Okay, so Aaron, this is you being an old cold grandma and jpc, you are sort of a Lou Diamond Phillips, Benjamin Bratt, Jimmy Smits types.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes.

[Casey]

And you need to get this grandma off andor before andor explodes. Wait, Andor is a planet, right? He's a person, but he's a planet, right?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes. Okay, I gotta get her off andor before he explodes.

[Aaron Keating]

Jesus would Achille had to turn the heat on. What are you trying to save your money?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

God, I'm not trying to save anyone. I'm just trying to save this man who if you don't get off of him, he's going to explode.

[Aaron Keating]

This is not a man. This is a heating pad.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He's. I know he feels warm, but that's because he's a living person generating body heat.

[Aaron Keating]

I'll take what I can get. You know, my son said he was gonna come over here with a space heater and he hasn't come over here at all.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We live in space. You don't have to say space heater. Every heater that we see. Every heater on Coruscant is a space heater. You know what I'm saying?

[Aaron Keating]

All right, well, all of a sudden, he went to Tatooine to chase a girl. I think he's being scammed. I don't think the girl's real. I said, ask her how many moons you can see from Tatooine.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ma', am, what gets off of Andor. Okay, no. If he dies, we don't have a third season.

[Aaron Keating]

Number one, he's handsome. You ever see E2 Mama 10? Me?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I have seen E2 Mama 10.

[Aaron Keating]

He's so good in it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He's very handsome. Diego Luna, he's not a large man. He's a tiny man. And if you.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm on him.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

If you kill Diego Luna, what happens if Andor dies? Do you think he's gonna stay warm?

[Aaron Keating]

Skarsgrd will take over. I don't care. This is no concern of mine, okay?

[Casey]

And I do want a hard pivot into the new movie. R2E2 Mama Tempie.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, Steve, no.

[Casey]

Come on.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You got his R2E2 Mama Tembian. He got it out. Big R2, E2 Babbian. That's all we need to do.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He got it out. We let him. We let him stay.

[Aaron Keating]

He doesn't like to have fun anymore.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

R2E2.

[Aaron Keating]

You don't let Adol cook anymore. You don't let him cook the way he used to. Let him cook.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

All right, Aaron, let's see it. Let's see it. Let's see it.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't want to do that.

[Casey]

Yeah, I don't have anything.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, we don't have anything for it, but let him cook.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Earlier today, I went to my annual skin screening, which is when they project a movie on your skin. Today, I chose the water boy. But as they were doing the skin screening, and then as I was leaking, one of the people who was still in the room, who never introduced themselves, handed me a piece of paper about sunscreen that had sunscreen tips on it. And I was like. They gave it to me. And I was like, thanks, but I'm 37. If I haven't been doing this at this point, you shouldn't be giving me this. This feels like a long list of, like, here's what you missed. Like, if you didn't do this, you're kind of fucked. Nothing you could do about it now.

[Casey]

But I've heard the Baz Luhrmann song. I assume that's enough. Well, songs may Be a strong term.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes.

[Casey]

It's mostly just him talking.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, but what a voice.

[Aaron Keating]

No, no. It's never too late, jpc. You're probably gonna live another six, seven months.

[Casey]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

To be clear, I have been using sunscreen, but it's also very funny to be like, have you never heard of sunscreen? Have this list. Oh, SPF. Interesting, interesting.

[Casey]

Speaking of SPF. So, puzzles, fuckers, let's do some SPF.

[Aaron Keating]

I love it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I'm hoping I do an SPF 50, which is what they recommend.

[Casey]

50 puzzles.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That's a lot of puzzles.

[Casey]

Well, let's do some warm ups here. This is what I like to call triples is best. I'm gonna say three things. You have to tell me what they all have in common.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Got it.

[Casey]

Van Halen, the Munsters.

[Aaron Keating]

Norbit, they're all words.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They're all words.

[Casey]

You got it. They're all words. Next up, peach, strawberry, blueberry.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Words.

[Casey]

Yep. Van Halen, the monsters. Norbit,

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

these are all flops. All right, so Norbit was Eddie Murphy playing multiple characters. Van Halen had multiple lead singers. Eddie Munster was played by two different people.

[Casey]

Okay. JPC kind of said the answer.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They're all recast. They all have been multiple.

[Casey]

So think of, like, the big guitarist for Van Halen. Change guitaring forever. Change guitaring.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Slash.

[Casey]

That's Guns N Roses. My boy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Fucking. Which one was Sammy Hagar? He was a singer.

[Casey]

You said it for the Munsters and you said it for Norbit.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Multiple people.

[Casey]

More specific. More specific. Not just people, but specifically the same

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

person doing two parts.

[Casey]

No, even hyper specific. What person?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Eddie Murphy. Eddie. Eddie's favorite. Eddie's. Eddie Munster.

[Casey]

Eddie's. Eddie Van Halen. Eddie Munster. Eddie Morphy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay, okay. Famous Eddie's. That's so much easier than where I was going. Way too complicated with it.

[Casey]

How about St. Louis? McDonald's? Feet.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They all have arches.

[Casey]

They all aren't just. Oh, race car.

[Aaron Keating]

Look down my pervert list, Aaron. His pervert. Bingo.

[Casey]

Race car, kayak. Yo, banana boy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Race car, kayak. Oh, they all have fiberglass bodies.

[Casey]

Yo, banana boy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Day, Bow, bow.

[Casey]

Oh, yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Race car, kayak.

[Casey]

And yo, banana boy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron, do you know what yo, banana boy is?

[Aaron Keating]

I have no idea what that is.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is that a brand or is that a slogan? Yo, banana boy.

[Casey]

I'd say neither. It's a phrase that fits the pattern. Race car, kayak. Yo, banana boy.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, it's palindromes.

[Casey]

These are all palindromes. I do want to see a scene.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yo, banana boy.

[Casey]

I do want to see a scene. Jpc, you are new to a high school. You made the mistake of packing a big bunch of bananas for your lunch. Aaron, you are the school bully who has taken note that this kid, the new kid, has brought only bananas for lunch.

[Aaron Keating]

Yo, everybody look. Check out Banana boy.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, yeah. Banana Boy.

[Aaron Keating]

Banana boy. I took the liberty of googling you, Banana Boy. That was your first mistake.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Nothing to see here. Real boy eat real lodge. Human boy. Stupid boy.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't think so.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No. Jungle Cupid Boy.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't think so. Banana Boy. It says here they found you in the middle of the jungle.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, no, no, no.

[Aaron Keating]

Two explorers found you. They adopted you and they brought you back to here. Illinois.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, those. That's what my parents. I from jungle. My parents. No, wait. We were. I from Connecticut. Connecticut. Go Whalers.

[Casey]

Hey, Johnny, I need to see you after class. I have good news and bad news. The good news is you passed the quiz.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, right.

[Casey]

The bad news is you did it with your feet. And technically I can't give you a grade on that. So you are going to fail the test for.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Can I get incomplete?

[Casey]

No, I think. I think this.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Sorry, I'm listening. But this is going to bug me. Can I pick bug out of hair?

[Casey]

Out of my hair or your hair?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Do you lose joints?

[Aaron Keating]

Hey, honey. How was your first day? Did you panic and do a voice?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, I did a voice. I did a voice the whole time. You packed me all bananas, Mom. What was I supposed to do? I fucked.

[Aaron Keating]

You didn't write with your feet. Why are your shoes off?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The bullies took my shoes almost immediately.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, my God. All right, well, we're gonna.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I told you, tape them on.

[Aaron Keating]

We're gonna have to change schools again.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Zane, that's awesome. Yes.

[Aaron Keating]

Ah, yes.

[Casey]

Oh, this is a good one.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

There was a. It's probably come out and. And I completely missed me. But there was a trailer that I saw several times when I was seeing 40x movies for a movie where the central conceit was that, like, it's like a horror movie where, like, a family adopted a chimpanzee. And then the chimpanzee, like, goes crazy and like, starts killing them, like, in their house. And the whole time I'm watching this, I'm like, that's just what would happen if you brought a chimpanzee to your house. They're not a domesticated animal and they're freaky strong. What the fuck is anyone thinking?

[Casey]

That's like Jaws where I'm like, it's not really a horror Film. I mean, the shark's just doing its thang.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Get the fuck out of there.

[Casey]

Get out of the freaking water. Yeah, get out of there.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It's like Jaws. If you brought Jaws to your house, you're like, yeah, we have a pool shark. There's, like a shark in our pool. It's fun. They're part of the family.

[Aaron Keating]

What are you doing? I'm just doing my thang.

[Casey]

Like, it's a horror movie. A family goes on safari and a lion eats them, and it's like, well, what were they doing?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Were they roaming the savannah?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Were they in the lion's house?

[Casey]

Yeah. Was this primate? Was that the movie?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Hey, it sounds right. Is that the name of the movie? Does that.

[Casey]

I think so.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I'll tell you this. I maybe saw that trailer three times in theaters, and never once did I, like, did the name of the movie stick out to me. They could have flashed the title card at the end, and it was like, this piece of shit. And I'd be like, I think that movie's called this Piece of shit. Sorry. If you're a listener and you were in Primate or whatever. Hey, but also, congratulations. You got to do what you got to do, you know, make a little money.

[Casey]

Now my big thing is anything that's as strong as ten of me.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes.

[Casey]

I don't want to put pants or a shirt on.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What about an ant?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

So you're telling me you don't want to see Woody Allen's ants?

[Casey]

Do they wear pants and shirts?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I. I guess we all have to watch Woody Allen's ants now. Review crew coming up just to. No, no, never.

[Aaron Keating]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

All Woody Allen march on the review crew. No, no, no, no.

[Casey]

Let's do two more.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yep.

[Casey]

This. And this is a great one. Frozen in time in Times Square, above the below, over the Thames River. Drowned alive in Lincoln Center. And this is a great one.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Drowned alive in Lincoln's center.

[Casey]

Frozen in time in Times Square. Above the below, over the Thames River. Drowned alive in Lincoln Center.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ah, boy, are these. This feels like. Is the answer in any way? Movies related? Are movies part of this?

[Casey]

Not movies, but it is performance related.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay. Oh, is this magician related?

[Casey]

Jpc. Blazing hot. Blazing hot.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is it okay? David Blaine.

[Casey]

These are all David Blaine stunts. Remember David Blaine?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm on a scene. Adol, you are David Blaine's, like, biggest rival. And jpc, you're his assistant, and you guys are trying to figure out a pitch to sort of get on his level and get as much attention as him.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Got it.

[Casey]

Okay. I guess it just sucks first that my name is David Dayne because there's so much confusion.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You're. But you're older than him.

[Casey]

I'm older and slightly more anemic and tired.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay, well, do you want to change it? I could get the court, you know, the paperwork started to change it or. Why don't we do this? Let's not worry about your name, David. Why don't we just worry about, like, the illusions? Because that's where you're going to beat him. That's where you're going to beat David Blynn.

[Casey]

Yeah. Yeah. So maybe because he buried himself alive for, like, two weeks. So maybe I bury myself dead. Okay. Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

There's no bad ideas in brainstorming. All right. Bury dead on the board. What about this? David Blaine's never done anything with a volcano. Would you. Is there something maybe in the realm of volcano where you could do, like, dipping yourself in or like dipping a toe in or.

[Casey]

Yeah, yeah. Maybe I dip my feet in a volcano and that's magic. I'll lose my feet.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay, well, hey, no bad ideas, all right? Lose your feet.

[Casey]

Because he doesn't really. Because he kind of suspends himself in a box in the air for, like, 30 days. This is not really magic.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

This is my fault for brainstorming. Yes. Let's not think of ways that you can kill or maim yourself, which. We could do that later if. If we. If we decide that that's the best career path for you. Let's think of purely of, like, what you could do magic trick wise. Yeah.

[Aaron Keating]

I have a grande hot milk for a bavid. That can't be right. Did I.

[Casey]

No.

[Aaron Keating]

Did I write this wrong?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I'll take. I'll take care of this, David. I'm sorry. That's supposed to be kid temp. It's not supposed to be hot. It's supposed to be warm. It's supposed to be kid temp.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay, but it's for a grown up.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, but you can order kid temp. It's not like a happy Meal. It's the same price.

[Aaron Keating]

It is like a Happy meal.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It's like a happy meal.

[Casey]

It comes with a toy.

[Aaron Keating]

It means that you're a kid. Yeah, and it comes with a toy.

[Casey]

Prove you're a kid.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, if you want.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

David, you can do this. Okay. David Blaine could never prove that he's a kid. You could prove that you're a kid. That could be your trick. Whoa.

[Casey]

I'm gonna turn back time and become a kid?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Watch this.

[Casey]

But my girlfriend.

[Aaron Keating]

You can't do that anymore.

[Casey]

I own a fapple's gonna be very mad at me. Okay, here we go, babe.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Watch this. Just watch this.

[Casey]

Lifting up my sleeves.

[Aaron Keating]

You cannot do this in here. You cannot do this in here.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Move some of these chairs. Put some tables back. Push some tables back.

[Aaron Keating]

You cannot do that in here.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Give him space.

[Aaron Keating]

You cannot do that in here.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Give him space.

[Aaron Keating]

You cannot do that in here. Sir, put your pants back on.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What happened to you?

[Casey]

It's okay, I'm three.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Three year olds don't have to wear pants.

[Aaron Keating]

Ma', am, you gotta get out of here. Yeah, David, you gotta go.

[Casey]

Yeah, it makes sense.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That makes a lot of sense for us to leave.

[Casey]

What happened to David Blaine?

[Aaron Keating]

He's still around, isn't he?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Was David Blaine in the pussy posse? Am I misremembering this?

[Casey]

He was with. He was Tobey Maguire, Ethan Supley, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lucas Haas.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is there one instance, one instance of a famous magician being like a good guy? Or is every famous magician like also just kind of a complete psychopath?

[Casey]

I want to say Penn Jillette

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

is

[Casey]

maybe the only one because, yeah, a lot of them are.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Are.

[Casey]

It takes a certain Persona to like be a magician. And that Persona just happens to be like piece of shit. Piece of shit. And I'm talking like the, the, like the creme de la creme de la creme. Sounds rude for any magicians.

[Aaron Keating]

Household names. Yeah.

[Casey]

Household name magicians. Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I'm like, yeah, the person you're David Copperfield. I remember once I went to. When I was a kid, kid, we had family that lived in Vegas and we went to Vegas and we saw a magic show and it was not. It was Lance Burton.

[Casey]

I saw Lance Burton in Vegas as a kid.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It was Lance. And Lance Burton is like one of those, like still, you know, a careerist, a working magician, a big name in magic, probably, probably one of the top 10. But is also just like B tier. Like he's not quite like the headliner magician. Maybe there's a chance that Lance Burton's a good guy. Maybe there's a chance.

[Casey]

If anyone's going to pull it off, it's him. Let's do one more of these. Triples is best. Let's see.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What if David Copperfield did a show and he was like, for my next trick, I will make my reputation disappear.

[Casey]

Here's the last one. Movie ready for showing.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Oscar the Grouch and Prisoner. Movie ready for showing. Oscar the Grouch, Prisoner.

[Aaron Keating]

Oscar it's in a can. It's in the can.

[Casey]

They're in the can.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They're in the can. They're in the can.

[Aaron Keating]

I'd like to see a scene.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm going to be your boss, and you guys are going to be garbage men, and we're trying to cover up sort of an inevitable scandal that's about to happen. All right, guys, obviously, we don't want it to be traced back to you that you are the two that threw Oscar the Grouch into the.

[Casey]

I didn't know.

[Aaron Keating]

I know, and I know, and I know you didn't know, and I believe you. Right.

[Casey]

I thought I heard. I thought I heard screaming, and then it was just, like, green, like, ooze.

[Aaron Keating]

I guess.

[Casey]

It's his blood. I don't know.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Can we get in trouble for anything that we say in here, or is this.

[Aaron Keating]

No, this is. We're gonna bring in lawyers that are.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I knew I knew what we were doing.

[Aaron Keating]

Hey, man, don't say that to me. I'm gonna have to disclose that to the lawyers.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What? I thought this was. I thought this was what you.

[Aaron Keating]

I thought you were gonna talk about, like, the emotion of how traumatizing this has been. What do you mean you knew?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I.

[Aaron Keating]

What do you mean you knew?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I saw something getting into the can. Okay. But here's the thing. I thought he never left the can. So when I saw something climbing into it, I didn't necessarily know it was him. She shouldn't have been out of it. Right. If that's. If that's the case, that could be a defense. Right?

[Aaron Keating]

No, you're definitely going down for this.

[Casey]

We thought he was a raccoon.

[Aaron Keating]

No, no. Can we say that you guys have been using that excuse for a really long time? If you hadn't used it so many times.

[Casey]

No.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay. Okay.

[Casey]

I will say. And honest to God, when I stabbed Cookie Monster in the throat, I know I thought. Because he was eating cookies, but they kept falling out of his mouth, so I thought he needed a tracheotomy.

[Aaron Keating]

Yep.

[Casey]

And I. I had seen it done, and I just stabbed him in the throat and.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah. With a pen.

[Casey]

Yeah. I.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, but you're not a doctor, huh?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

If I'm going down. If I'm going down, then I got some stuff that I have to say. The potluck last week, those chicken wings, that was Big burn. Everybody was raving about the chicken wings.

[Aaron Keating]

What is happening in this department that we have so much Muppet fluff on our hands, you know?

[Casey]

I gave.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Our route is Sesame Street. If you put people on a route, they'll do their job.

[Aaron Keating]

I put my two most whimsical garbage men on that route, thinking the worst that could happen is you guys are on camera and someone's going to ask you what the letter of the day is, and you go like, gee, for garbage men? Or like, they show. They do, like, a segment of showing you do your route.

[Casey]

That would have been amazing. That would have been amazing. But I'll say, last week, there was a guy who was kind of far away, and I was kind of squinting. I was like, who is this dude? And then he ran up on me. This guy was far away, and then he got right up close to me and I had to break his neck.

[Aaron Keating]

That is a classic. Oh, my God. Okay, here is a list of the following Muppets that have been killed on your watch. Elmo, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, the Count, Abby, Kadabi, Grover, Rosita. Mr. Snuffleupagus.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I remember that one.

[Aaron Keating]

Ernie.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No. Hey, don't put that on us. That was a murder suicide.

[Aaron Keating]

You were.

[Casey]

We murdered Bert and then Ernie killed himself.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes, I see that, Mr. Noodle Baby Bear.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

See? See? See? I guess, yeah. Did they ever have garbage men on Sesame Street? Wasn't the whole conceit of Sesame street that they would interact with, like, humans from the real world who did, like, jobs, like municipal jobs?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, there was Gordon and celebrities, Mr. Hooper and celebrities.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

But did they have garbage? Did they have a garbage man ever? I guess, maybe not, because Oscar the Crouch lives in a garbage can, so you wouldn't want to introduce, like, someone whose whole job is to, like, displace, you know, the houseless Oscar the Grouch. Right.

[Aaron Keating]

There's Bruno the Trash Man.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That describes his character.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, yeah. And he's holding Oscar the Grouch up.

[Casey]

Do we ever see Oscar's legs?

[Aaron Keating]

No.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Dick.

[Casey]

Pubes.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

If you don't see the lazy, you probably don't see the dick.

[Casey]

I guess Muppets are mostly pubes.

[Aaron Keating]

Forget it. Forget I said anything ever. Forget I said anything ever.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No one will see it. But when Adol said, Muppets are mostly pubes, he immediately flinched, like he knew he shouldn't have said it.

[Aaron Keating]

The Internet's forever.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Mm. The Internet's forever.

[Aaron Keating]

Let's take another riddle. Or a break.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, yeah, it's not forever, but it's just for now a break. Adol. Aaron. What do you think of my new hair? Before you ask, before you ask, yes, I did pull every piece of Hair from my head because I was so stressed out about business finances.

[Casey]

Yeah, buddy, that looks stressful.

[Aaron Keating]

I love my new JPC wig. Thank you for this.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

And the best part, it was super painful to do because I used my hands and fingers.

[Aaron Keating]

Wow.

[Casey]

Should have used Found. Right, Erin? Should have used Found.

[Aaron Keating]

You should have used Found. Saved you from all the stress.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, I should have used Found. Found makes it easy for small business owners to put all of their finances in one place. Instead of a bank account here, QuickBooks there, tax invoicing apps stacked on top instead, I should have just used Found. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Banking, bookkeeping, invoices and taxes. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps. Why did I not use Foundation?

[Casey]

And that's the thing JPC is. They've made it so easy. They've even automated things like tracking expenses, finding write offs, and budgeting for tax time. You can even send your invoices for free and pay your contractors, everything, all from one app.

[Aaron Keating]

They make it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. Jpc. Like making wigs.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, I am going to be doing a lot of making wigs now because I'm going to have to open up a new small business line that sells JPC hair wigs, and people would buy them. So I can't even joke about making them because people would buy them. But I will use Found. And I will not stress out about having to use multiple different platforms to do everything that I need to do to run our business. We use Found. And I think that you should, too. So take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for free at found. Com. That's f o u n d com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member fdic. Join the hundreds of thousands who've already streamlined their finances with foundation.

[Casey]

Oh, Aaron, look. The hair's in the shape of a backwards hat. I'm jpz. Look, I'm jpz.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Whoa.

[Aaron Keating]

I love it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I wish I had my hair back.

[Aaron Keating]

Smells awful, though.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Come on. Adult Aaron. I am so fed up with car shopping, I must be doing something wrong. Cause I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach, and I'll get to the checkout and I'll say, also, I'd like to buy a car. And they say, well, no, not here. And I go not here. Then where?

[Casey]

Jpc, you big.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Tell me what I did. Because what I think I did is right. So what did I do?

[Casey]

You don't go to a store to buy a car, okay? You use Cargurus app, the new dealership mode. And it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you to similar options, see deal ratings and price history, and estimate your final price. That's right, jpc. It's everything you need at your fingertips so you can feel confident you're getting the best deal. And some store workers not going to make fun of you for asking for it at checkout.

[Aaron Keating]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, I want to buy the banana. Oh, please tell me Cargurus will sell me a banana. You know what?

[Aaron Keating]

No.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using Cargurus. You can even use Cargurus Discover, a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think, using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and Cargurus Discover will give you real shoppable listings that match. It's the smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby. And they never go bad.

[Casey]

And I use the Cargurus app to buy us yanks off sheet a riddle mobile.

[Aaron Keating]

Ooh la lu lah lu.

[Casey]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail] Go to CarGurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's Cargurus. C A R G u r u s.com cargurus.com okay, so it looks like

[Casey]

the riddle Mobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good.

[Aaron Keating]

Let's just leave it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, yeah, it's mostly for show. Okay, well, let me just do my final measurements here. Seems everything seems even. Check the Doors. Adel. Aaron. I have, using my skills as a woodworker, have crafted a well built wardrobe.

[Aaron Keating]

A magical one where you can go into a magical world.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, I tried it. It's just wood, but it's well built.

[Casey]

Gpc. When we said every adult should have sort of a well built wardrobe, we didn't mean like the actual frame, like an actual wooden wardrobe. We went like in a Quintz way. Like, you know, like having a lot of adult well made.

[Aaron Keating]

Like quality clothing that lasts, quality pieces

[Casey]

that work together, they hold up over time. You know, that's what Quince does best. We told you that.

[Aaron Keating]

Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion. Lighter jackets that keep you warm in the changing season. I have a raincoat from them that I love.

[Casey]

Jamie. See, I held you down sort of Clockwork orange style and held open your eyes while I showed you that Quince's premium materials, thoughtful design and everyday staples feel easy to wear and they're easy to rely on even as the weather shifts in Chicago.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

This is making sense now because I was like you were talking about how quints works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. That's what you said. That's what you were doing with my eyes. And can I be honest with you? I did not build that well of a wardrobe. I mean, this thing is pretty loose. No, it's pretty loose. You can knock it over with a feather.

[Casey]

Oh, a nail just went right through my thumb.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That's the best case scenario.

[Aaron Keating]

They only partner with factories that meet rigorous standards for craftsmanship and ethical production. I love their home stuff. I love their clothes. I can always count on them for the best quality.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

So don't be like that. Absolute fool. JPC. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince.

[Aaron Keating]

Don't be foolish like JPC right now. Go to quints.com riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to build your wardrobe and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling. For clothes that don't last. Go to Quince. Q-U-I-N C E.com Riddle for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Riddle R I D D L E Quince. Quince.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Quince.

[Casey]

My name is Mr. Tumnus. Please come with me.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm going.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He's. He came with the thing. I. I found him on fiverr.

[Casey]

Hey, jpc. Hey, Aaron.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What's up?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, what's up?

[Casey]

I was looking up at the night sky and seeing all these things shooting across the night sky, and I was wondering what all is out there in the night sky?

[Aaron Keating]

Well, stars.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We're at war with the Palladians. What?

[Aaron Keating]

UFOs.

[Casey]

Wait, the Palladians? Are those some sort of aliens and rockets?

[Aaron Keating]

Which reminds me, this weekend, you guys, I realized that I had been spending so much money on a subscription that I forgot to cancel. I did the whole free trial thing and then I forgot to cancel it and I've been paying for it a couple months, but Rocket Money reminded me.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, oh, thank you. Please tell me that you're using Rocket Money, the personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, big time, big time.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

And growing your savings is more important now than ever, what with the upcoming war with the Pleiadians on our doorstep.

[Casey]

Now, Palladians are Paladin aliens, of course, and they come here wanting our, I want to say oxygen. But with Rocket Money, you can set budgets and goals, get personalized insights and regular reports, and receive real time alerts for large transactions, upcoming bills, refunds, and low balances. Because you're going to want to save as much money as possible so you and your family can start to buy spaceship parts.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Plus, the app consolidates your checking, your saving, your loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users a clear view of their financial picture. So when you're spending money from the secret checking account that your wife doesn't know that you have to fight, the Palladium baby is for you. It's all for you. It's for the family. You can see that from your Rocketboard dashboard without getting overwhelmed, that your wife is going to find out about your secret Palladian bank account that you're using to fight these guys.

[Aaron Keating]

And if you're saving up to fight the good fight, you can do automated savings that grow towards your goals. You can adjust the amount and the frequency a set it and forget it approach. So let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join RocketMoney.com Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle R I D D L E

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

they look just like us,

[Aaron Keating]

you say joyfully. They look just like us. I want to say oxygen,

[Casey]

Aaron and jpc. If you could voice a Muppet, what would you want to have? What would be the name? What would be their sort of like, shtick?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We talk about Muppets on this show,

[Casey]

so much Santa and Muppets Santa and Muppets come up so awesome.

[Aaron Keating]

Why are we complaining?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

But besides the Muppet thing that I think we had to watch for Review Crew, I have not. I've not seen any Muppet property. I've never seen, like, a Muppet Movie. I've never watched the show.

[Aaron Keating]

You watched the Great Muppet Caper, though. Is that what we did for Review Crew? Oh, we should.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is that the one that we watched?

[Casey]

Moment chants. The Muppet Show Moment Chance?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, we watched a movie for Review Crew. We definitely watched, like a. We watched Moment Chance. I know that much. But we also watched, like a full length Muppet movie at one point. It was probably like early.

[Casey]

Early on Muppet Stick, Manhattan, maybe.

[Aaron Keating]

Must have been Muppet Caper, because that's my favorite movie and I would have probably done that for like a birthday or something.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It was probably Muppet Caper if it was like an Aaron pick of something. But I definitely remember that because I was watching it and I had no connection to any of those. What I'll say is, for something that I have, I think I've done a pretty good job rolling with the punches. For as much as we talk about Muppets, Santa, I'm familiar with. I know who Santa is.

[Aaron Keating]

This is. You know what? This is us balancing the scales. Adel and I like to have fun. You have to pay the piper eventually for your crimes against this podcast. I, at Sketchfest, very luckily, very miraculously, got to meet Brian Henson, who really is my hero. And I was very nervous and I panicked and I said, the only thing left on my bucket list is I want to talk to a Muppet and I want to be not on camera. And he went, okay. And I went, I mean, I want it to happen organically, like at an airport. And that was the interaction, and it was awful. And I still love him forever. Don't say, look, Casey.

[Casey]

That's Rolf. That's Rolf saying wolf.

[Aaron Keating]

You know what? He had an organic Aaron Keefe experience, and I got to tell him how much I love the Muppets and how much they mean to me. So at the end of the day, we're all gonna be fine.

[Casey]

Was there any. Did it feel like he thought you wanted him to produce a Muppet out of his back pocket kind of thing?

[Aaron Keating]

No, I just was being honest. I think he was just like, who is this lunatic? How much longer do I have to talk to her?

[Casey]

So I thought it would be like if I met Ray park. And I was like, you Know what would be so cool is if Darth Maul was here. And then I kind of leaned in.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm like, is Darth Maul

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

meeting Ray Park? And be like, misa, I really want

[Casey]

to talk to what happens when Toad gets hit by lightning. Same thing happens to anything else.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Absolutely stellar. 10 out of 10. Great line. Lovely line.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't ever really stick the landing when meeting someone I really admire. So this is an old hat for me.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron. I just looked up what Brian Henson looks like, and I can't tell you for sure that I've never met this person, because if I have, I definitely didn't register it. This is like, a person I could talk to for, like, 20 minutes. And then at the end of it, someone's like, hey, that guy was the inventor of the Muppets, or whatever he did. I actually don't know what he did.

[Aaron Keating]

He's son, and he's been Jim Henson.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He took over for him, and he took over for him, and great job.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes.

[Casey]

Speaking of Muppets and great lines, 10 out of 10 lines in top Maverick, Tom Cruise, who's basically a Muppet. He's basically a Muppet, has a line that I think is pretty incredible, which is, anytime he's about to do something cool, somebody will be like, I don't like that look. I don't like that look you're giving me. And Tom Cruise goes, it's the only one I got. And I think that's. I think that's pretty cool. And I don't know of anybody else who's doing it at his age and raking in a billion dollars. I think the movie industry dies with him.

[Aaron Keating]

I think this can apply here. Jbc. Why do you only play characters like Santa Claus or characters that have brain damage?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Takes off my sunglasses, looks at Eren Tom, cruises them up.

[Aaron Keating]

Nope, that's not what I wanted you to.

[Casey]

Eyes fall out.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Interesting.

[Casey]

JPC tries to pick him up and kicks him into a sewer grate. Well, let's do some more riddles.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes.

[Aaron Keating]

No.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, interesting.

[Aaron Keating]

No.

[Casey]

Okay, Aaron, what do you want to do? Aaron, for the next half hour or more, realistically, 22 minutes or so, we do whatever Aaron wants to do. Whatever my friend Aaron wants to do. That's what we do.

[Aaron Keating]

I want to shave both your beards.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yikes.

[Aaron Keating]

And then I want to go to Hungry Howie's.

[Casey]

The place you did a commercial for?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Showing up to Hungry Howie's with no beards, and they're like, you two out of here. No. Hungry Howie's for a couple of beardless saps.

[Aaron Keating]

Ha ha. That was my plan all along. This is the last time you'll cross. Aaron. Keith.

[Casey]

Aaron, will you be 100% honest with me?

[Aaron Keating]

Yes.

[Casey]

No fooling around? Totally honest.

[Aaron Keating]

100% honest for sure.

[Casey]

Do you ever still go to Hungry Howie's and sort of expectantly hoping, give a look of like just hoping something.

[Aaron Keating]

You must remember me, huh?

[Casey]

Please.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't want to take a picture because if I take a picture with you, I'm gonna take a picture with everybody. Yeah, I do. I do do that. I actually have not been in a Hungry Howie's, but I have ordered from

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

them since they don't have them in la or do they have Hungry Howie? Okay, nevermind. They fully don't have them here in Chicago, right?

[Aaron Keating]

I don't think so. No, they are in.

[Casey]

They're like subs. Pizza.

[Aaron Keating]

It's pizza.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Mostly it's pizza. And it's national. It's just in. Not in this city. I believe it's.

[Aaron Keating]

I think it's like in eight different states. It's very random.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I think they have him in like Indiana though, because I remember at Purdue going to ordering from them when I was visiting Purdue for a while. But I don't think they had him in Indianapolis. It doesn't matter. Hungry Howie's is one of those, like I would say it's not like a top tier pizza chain.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, it's to you, Aaron. It's so good. It is actually incredible.

[Casey]

Do you guys have any Happy Joes? No.

[Aaron Keating]

Who's Happy Joe?

[Casey]

Aaron? He's a man who loves pizza.

[Aaron Keating]

Aw.

[Casey]

When I went to high school in Kewaunee, Illinois, we had a Happy Joe's and they had taco pizza, which was surprisingly fucking delicious.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That sounds fun.

[Aaron Keating]

You had a two minute mics and a Happy Joe's.

[Casey]

Two minute mics was neponset now Neponset, of course, neighboring city, but that was a city of like 250 people. Tijuani was 13,000.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I remember I was hanging out with friends for a birthday party and they were like, let's order pizza. And we tried to order pizza from this place. And they were like, we're out of dough. And we're like, what? And so we ordered. We decided to order Little Caesar's Pizza. Pizza.

[Aaron Keating]

Pizza.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Pizza. Pizza. It's been so long since I ate Little Caesar's pizza. And there was like eight or nine people. We ordered a bunch of pizza and they were like, yeah, it's like $50. And we were like, what? We ordered 100 pizzas. It's only $50. Little Caesar's rules. What the fuck? This place is awesome. And then we all ate the pizza. We were like, oh, yeah, this is why. This is why. This was $50 now, because it kind of tastes like wet board.

[Casey]

This fucking sucks because I've tried to block this out. I haven't eaten Little Caesar since the last time I had it. I ordered it for the Lost finale, which must have been 2007.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah.

[Casey]

And I got crazy bread with a side of marinara. I ate. Let's call it six sticks of crazy bread or whatever.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yep.

[Casey]

Dipped in the marinara. And then I dipped a seventh and something was amiss. There was.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, no.

[Casey]

Something not welcome in the marinara.

[Aaron Keating]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Casey]

I then just sort of dipped my fingers in and pulled out what can only be described as a hairball. It was a glob of human hair in ball form. Not a strand, not a thread. A ball of hair.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They don't have cup. They don't have, like, sealed cup marinara. Was it just like, a plastic lid?

[Casey]

This was in a foam cup with a white lid. But it was like a big. It was like a big. A big ramekin of marinara.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Bad, bad, bad.

[Casey]

I scrimped a scream. And I scrimped a scream.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

A scream's gone by.

[Casey]

Tried to make myself throw up. Couldn't do it. All while telling my friends, Please pause the finale of Lost.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

All right, Aaron, it's over. It's over.

[Casey]

And I haven't touched Little Caesar since. It was the most disgusting fucking day of my life.

[Aaron Keating]

I tried recently was Bojangles. I had never had it.

[Casey]

What's Bojangles?

[Aaron Keating]

The fast food restaurant.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is it chicken?

[Casey]

What is Bojangles?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, it's like a chicken chain.

[Aaron Keating]

It may be the best fast food I've ever had in my life. As good as Culver's. Like, I loved it. I was on the east coast with Riley's family for Christmas, and they're huge Bojangles fans. And I was like, why do they keep talking about this? Like, why do we. Why is this a must go? And now I understand.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Have either of you ever been to Jollibee?

[Casey]

No, that's the Korean or Filipino.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Filipino. It's like chicken and spaghetti.

[Aaron Keating]

People love it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

People love it. But there is one in Illinois, and it's by, like, the emission testing place where you have to go to, like, get your car emission tested. And I was there one time, and I was getting my car emission Tested. And I was like, I've never been to a Jollibee. I'll just go to the Jollibee. And I went to the drive thru and I looked at the menu and I was like, there is truly nothing that I. A vegetarian, which is honestly, like, if I go to McDonald's, I can't eat anything there. But there was nothing for vegetarians to eat there. And I was like. They were like, what? What'll it be? It's the only time really in my life I've ever done this. Because most places I just wouldn't go because I know what Burger King's menu is or whatever, right? So I sat there and I looked at the whole menu and then I was like, I'll. I'll ask. And I was like, hey, do you have anything that like, vegetarians can eat at Jollibee? And the person was like, we could give you the spaghetti without the sauce. And I said, no, I don't want that. And so I just like, pulled out from the drive through and left. And I don't think I've. I think it's the one time in my life I've ever just like, pulled out of a drive thru and left.

[Aaron Keating]

Wow.

[Casey]

Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

But people love Jollibee. But it's like chicken and meat, spaghetti, and I can't eat any of it.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm glad that you asked. So you just didn't look like a crazy person that pulled up and then was like, eh.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

But it's also. It also kind of made me feel like, yeah, I'm just going to a fast food restaurant and being like, hey, does the chef have anything off menu that I could order?

[Casey]

Just a secret menu.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What does a chef whip up with for someone with my dietary restriction just like, surprise me.

[Casey]

Like, the opposite of animal style. Aaron, I know you're a Wings fan. Have you ever had bonchon? No, Bonchon is a.

[Aaron Keating]

You're saying it real fun.

[Casey]

Bonchon B O N C H O N is, I believe, a chain. I don't know where else they are, but there's one in the suburbs and I've ordered it several times, and it's maybe my favorite.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Wings going exclusively a suburban wing chain.

[Casey]

Oh, Bon Chong.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They do not allow them in city limits.

[Casey]

All right, honey, I got a job at Bonchon. Au Bonchon.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Au Bonchon.

[Casey]

Au bonpons. No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Aaron Keating]

Au bonchon.

[Casey]

You're working at Au Bonpain. No, no, no, no, no. Au Bonchon.

[Aaron Keating]

Au Bonchon.

[Casey]

Um, let's do another riddle, Aaron.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We have to. Sorry. Aaron, we have to.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes.

[Casey]

Or I can talk more about the hair I found in Little Caesar's Internet.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, not.

[Aaron Keating]

Not.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Just. Come on.

[Casey]

Ah.

[Aaron Keating]

I didn't have time to throw my headphones off.

[Casey]

Aaron, I think you just found your Muppet.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron. John Muppet. Aaron.

[Casey]

Cha.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Cha.

[Aaron Keating]

If you say something gross, say 3, 2, 1. So I have time to toss my headphones, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, good night, and good luck, George Clooney, and I'll see you later.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

3, 2, 1. Sex sh. A through her head so, so hard. She hit her mic. Hit her mic. This is. This is my. My golden opportunity. If you ever. Aaron, tell me when it's over. Hey, that's what she said. It's over, Aaron. It's. Aaron, it's over. Over. Aaron. Over.

[Casey]

Please put your headphones back on, Aaron. It's over. Three, two, one. Peanut butter panties.

[Aaron Keating]

Don't fuck with me today, guys. Nauseous. And I'm drinking Pedialyte because I just know I'm going to get the pukes today. So do not mess with me today, motherfuckers.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I do want to see. I do want to see a scene. Adult. It's. It's. You and Aaron are a couple. It's your anniversary. You're both at home together, and she just got, like, an anniversary present, and it is a pair of peanut butter panties that she sent to you, and you're confused.

[Aaron Keating]

Wait, what made you think of this?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Don't worry.

[Aaron Keating]

This is what Hadle said.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We listen to the episode. You'll love it.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay, great.

[Casey]

Sorry. So she got me a pair of peanut pants.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

She got you some peanut butter panties. Yeah.

[Casey]

Whoa. Okay.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, it's covered in ants. Hold on. Let's just.

[Casey]

Is that part of it?

[Aaron Keating]

No. No. Let's just brush these off.

[Casey]

Your hands are covered in peanut butter now.

[Aaron Keating]

Do you love them?

[Casey]

I love you.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes. I know we talked about maybe trying that thing where you kind of, like, eat food off of each other, and you mentioned something about whipped cream, and I think whipped cream is gross. But I love peanut butter.

[Casey]

Yeah, I think I'm willing to try. It's just. I just feel stupid because I got you. I got you a.

[Aaron Keating]

Wait, what's this? Let me open it.

[Casey]

2017 Jeep Jerky. And you got me peanut butter.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, but it's 2017.

[Casey]

I think I misread the room.

[Aaron Keating]

2017.

[Casey]

Do you grab these from. I mean, Spencer's is the only store I can think of.

[Aaron Keating]

No, I had these handmade. These are two year Measurements.

[Casey]

Okay.

[Aaron Keating]

An artist did this.

[Casey]

Okay.

[Aaron Keating]

An artist did this. Give me a 2017 Jeep Cherokee, which is just only a little bit better than a 2016, huh?

[Casey]

Yeah.

[Aaron Keating]

And that was 10 years ago.

[Casey]

Yeah, but it is the Eddie Bauer Jeep Cherokee. Let's call it our relationship.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah.

[Casey]

Well, hold on, hold on. Turn around. Let's give it one last hurrah. Turn around.

[Aaron Keating]

Okay. What are you doing?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We cut to the Jeep Grand Cherokee dealership. Yeah. We can't accept a return on this car. Looks like someone got a bunch of peanut butter all over the seat. The driver's seat.

[Aaron Keating]

Well, it saved a marriage, tell you that much.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Hey, I mean, that's what a Jeep Grand Cherokee is for. It's for saving marriages.

[Aaron Keating]

Jeep Grand Cherokee do weird sex stuff in the back.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We cut to a recording booth with Aaron's character. Okay.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, I think I got it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, yeah, we love what you're doing. Just as Jeep Grand Cherokee. Whenever you're ready.

[Casey]

Really enunciate.

[Aaron Keating]

Cause we heard Jeep brand. Here's the keys. Get into the car.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay.

[Casey]

We don't hate Jeep brand. Here's the keys. Cause that feels like something you would

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

love, that you'd be excited about it.

[Aaron Keating]

Get the keys. Kerosene. Jeeps in kerosene.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The only thing is, if we say kerosene, I think people are going to get confused with what you have to fill the Jeep Grand Cherokee. Well, don't say put kerosene in the car.

[Aaron Keating]

I don't ruin the take. Crudy. Tarantines.

[Casey]

Crudite. Tarantines.

[Aaron Keating]

This is sucks that this commercial is live on the car.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Jeep.

[Aaron Keating]

Jeep. Cheap looking.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Looking at my monitor and the sales of Jeep are just plummeting. Sell my stock, Trish.

[Casey]

Sell my stock, Trish.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Sell my stock. Okay, you know what?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Why don't we do this?

[Aaron Keating]

Since it's all Cherokee.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Great. It's all the same brand. Let's just get you saying Dodge Durango.

[Aaron Keating]

Jeep Durango.

[Casey]

Okay. Close enough.

[Aaron Keating]

We can splice that.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Jeep.

[Aaron Keating]

Jee.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

She's doing the Nixon fingers. She's doing Nixon fingers. Yeah.

[Casey]

Can you say I am not a Jeep.

[Aaron Keating]

It's guaranteed. I am not a Jeep. Grand Cherokees.

[Casey]

Jeep.

[Aaron Keating]

I can't do that.

[Casey]

Kid can be as a kid, a few of those.

[Aaron Keating]

I was actually trying to say it, if you can believe it.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Jeep Grand Cherokee. Jeep Grand Cherokee.

[Casey]

Jeep Grand Cherokee here.

[Aaron Keating]

I'm scared back there, y'.

[Casey]

All. 3, 2, 1. See what Aaron would do.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The. The delay. The delay of Aaron knocking her headphones off came so so far after the Empty space. You left after three. Two, one. That. That there was no chance of something gross being said. I'm trying to think if I have. Have any gross experiences lately that.

[Aaron Keating]

Please don't.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I don't think I have. Then don't then. I don't think I have. Erin. I think I've led a very normal life.

[Aaron Keating]

Great. Then don't. Great. Let's just be done then.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Aaron, question for you, since you brought it up. Have you ever found peanut butter on you and you were not able to explain where it came from?

[Aaron Keating]

No. That sounds like me though. That sounds like something that would happen to me. So I can't get mad at you

[Casey]

asking like a quarter sized patch behind your ear or something.

[Aaron Keating]

No. I do find food on me. But not peanut butter. Peanut butter's not really that much in my rotation.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, interesting.

[Aaron Keating]

It's kind of only in my house. Sometimes I'll remember it. Like I'll go through a peanut butter and apples phase for like three months. But mostly it's here for Lou.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

What?

[Casey]

Just last night I was a nasty little dog and I sliced up some apples.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Wow. Wow.

[Casey]

Got some smooth peanut butter. Dumped some chocolate chips in the peanut butter.

[Aaron Keating]

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

[Casey]

Honey? No.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh.

[Casey]

Put some honey on the peanut butter and chocolate chips. Obviously stoned out of my mind.

[Aaron Keating]

Obviously.

[Casey]

And it was fucking delicious.

[Aaron Keating]

That's amazing. That's an incredible stoned snack. Well done.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I have been into lately overnight oats. I'm in my overnight. I'm sowing my wild overnight oats is how I like to call it. But I've been into an overnight oats phase where the night before I'll make some. But I put a ton of peanut butter in my overnight oats. I'm a big fan of that peanut butter flavor in there. There.

[Aaron Keating]

Why?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I don't know. I just. I love peanut butter.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah. Is it soaks in during the night?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah. And it just. It just like. It. It makes the whole. It makes all of your oatmeal taste like peanut butter, which is. I just like that taste so sure. Otherwise it tastes like oatmeal. And I'm like. Because I don't want to put a bunch of like sweeteners in there. But I do want it to taste like something different.

[Aaron Keating]

Then just eat something different.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, I like oats. I like the consistency. I like the texture of it and I like that it's like. It's the. It's so quick. Like you make the breakfast the night before and then you just kind of dump it into your bowl and you're good to go. Like it's, it's. You could eat it out of the jar too. I just, I don't prefer to do that.

[Casey]

Now, are you such a oat aficionado that you can taste the difference between steel cut and plastic cut?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Steel cut in old fashioned? Yes. Because it's a texture thing for sure. Yeah.

[Aaron Keating]

I'd like to see a scene.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You want? Hold on. Aaron, this is important. People need to hear this. Do not use steel cut to make overnight oats. You absolutely must use old fashioned to make overnight oats.

[Casey]

Whoa. What happens if you do steel cut?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It'll just be nasty. They don't soak in as well. Yeah, I think you have to like. Steel cut needs to be like boiled or whatever. Right?

[Casey]

Is that the only food that they mention? The metal that produced it?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Iron jalapenos.

[Aaron Keating]

I'd like to see a scene.

[Casey]

Ruin my iron.

[Aaron Keating]

You guys are oats jpc, you're steel cut oats. Adol, you're old fashioned. And jpc, you think you're kind of big for your britches because you're steel cut.

[Casey]

Oh, no. Let me pull open the door for you. Call me old fashioned.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That's so funny. You know what? I'm going to tell about that knife? Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm friends with Knife. He cuts me.

[Casey]

Oh, whatever. Never met him, seemingly.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, you know him by reputation.

[Casey]

Absolutely, yeah. Absolutely.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah. Knife cuts me. It's like no big deal. Like we've just kind of been, I guess, kind of as long as I can remember, like we've been together and they've been cutting mean, you know, that's

[Casey]

like me and fondue pot.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, not really the same.

[Casey]

No, no, no. Fondue pot, me, we go way back to the 50s.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You're not fond Dupont cooked oats? No offense, but you're not.

[Casey]

Okay.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

And if you were to be nasty and you're not.

[Casey]

Okay. Just trying to make conversation. Oh, don't step in that puddle. Let me put down my jacket.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No, it's okay. I'm still cut. I can walk right over a puddle. It's totally. You know what? Why don't I hail the cab? Because I know that a lot of cabs don't stop for old fashioned notes. They're really gonna stop for steel cut. Takes one leg, sticks it out of my coat, puts. Puts it on the sidewalk.

[Casey]

Interesting. Calling a cab. I'm more of a merlot.

[Aaron Keating]

Get hit by a car.

[Casey]

Holy shit.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, there goes that leg.

[Casey]

Aaron.

[Aaron Keating]

Yes.

[Casey]

Adam, may I present a riddle?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, let me check. Do you have all of the paperwork filled out?

[Casey]

Aaron, I notice you're stalling tactics.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh, let's see. Ah, it's actually a Friday afternoon at 4. We stopped processing this. We all kind of want to go home for the day. You'll understand. Maybe come back Monday.

[Casey]

Two, one.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Butt sauce.

[Casey]

Big old butt sauce.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

The delay. The delay is getting longer and longer. And also, Erin can't just take the headphones off with her hands. She has to shake it off like a dog.

[Aaron Keating]

Take it off with my hands? It's going to hit the microphone.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah, that's a full blip plan. All right. What's your riddle? Adol. I'd love to hear it.

[Casey]

Speaking of kerosene and the. What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames? What can explode relatively slowly?

[Aaron Keating]

A family dynamic or flames?

[Casey]

Aaron.

[Aaron Keating]

An argument not too far away.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, an argument is good. Like a slow simmering argument. Explosive diarrhea.

[Casey]

3, 2, 1.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

3, 2, 1. Aaron. 3, 2, 1. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I did it in reverse order. I did it backwards. You can come back. You can come back.

[Casey]

I would say family dynamics so far has been the closest. Everything else has been a little bit colder.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You said it explodes. Say it again.

[Casey]

What can explode relatively slowly with no

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

smoke or flames and family dynamic

[Casey]

of the answer. This is the closest. None of those burn up pretty quick.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Pretty quickly. Explodes slowly. I'm trying to think of, like, is this, like. Is the answer some sort of, like, chemical reaction that happens, like, really slowly, Like. Like a star exploding or something like that, where it's just like it takes a billion years or whatever? And don't write in. I've got no idea how long it takes a star to explode.

[Aaron Keating]

It's like an interpersonal thing that isn't. You can't hold it in your hands.

[Casey]

You're correct in that you can't hold it in your hands because.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is it a gas or something? That's not solid music?

[Casey]

I guess it is solid.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Is it a metaphor? Is this metaphorical? No. So it's something physical that explodes slowly.

[Casey]

Well, it involves physical. Physical entities.

[Aaron Keating]

Is this sex?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

It involves physical what, Aaron?

[Casey]

No, we get this through sex. This explodes through sex guilt. Excuse me.

[Aaron Keating]

Shame, shame, shame.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

STIs.

[Casey]

What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames? But Aaron, it does require a whole boatload of sex. 321 sacks.

[Aaron Keating]

The miracle of life.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Chromosomes.

[Casey]

Errants. Absolutely. But over time. What can explode relatively slowly with no smoke or flames?

[Aaron Keating]

A Person.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yes, but someone's belt.

[Casey]

Think of all the people. Think of all the people.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Explodes. Oh, Population.

[Casey]

A population. Population exploding. A population.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

They do describe it as a population explosion. That is something that I've heard before. That is smart. I like that riddle.

[Casey]

I do want to see a scene.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I see that riddle for cookies.

[Casey]

I do want to see a scene. Aaron, you were being intimate on a date with someone who exploded. Jpc. You are a fireman who showed up to the scene.

[Aaron Keating]

Mind if I smoke?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No. Yeah. I mean, please. Yeah, it's. Are you okay? My whole job is just to make sure that you're firing.

[Aaron Keating]

Am I okay? Am I okay? Yeah. This did wonders for my ego. I was having a bit of a dry spell. I was starting to think I didn't have it anymore. But to have him explode and explode. Explode.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You could be charged for this. You. I. I'm just a fireman. I'm. I just want to. You seem pretty chipper.

[Aaron Keating]

Take me away.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Well, they.

[Aaron Keating]

Take me away. What are you doing later?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

No offense, lady, but you want to be like him. No, I. Hey, you are a beautiful woman. But I don't feel like dying tonight.

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah, but what happens right before you die?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You live.

[Aaron Keating]

Anyways, I'm gonna take off, but here's my number if you want to.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Don't give me this. Come on. Don't give me this.

[Aaron Keating]

You're gonna be haunted by what you saw here today. You're gonna be tempted to call me, and I think you should.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I see. I'm a fireman. I see this pretty regularly.

[Aaron Keating]

You think you're floating from good sex?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Oh, yeah. And it's not always the people that you think.

[Aaron Keating]

What do you mean?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I mean, like, you know, you.

[Aaron Keating]

You.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You're a 10 out of 10 smoke show. It's. It's, you know, but it's not always, you know, the perfect tinge that explode. The people with sex. I saw a guy.

[Aaron Keating]

What?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Just his arms explode from a hand job.

[Aaron Keating]

One that he was giving.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

He was. Well, yeah, I guess. He was masturbating. I saw a guy masturbating so high.

[Casey]

Let's hear a voicemail theme. Casey.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

And that can happen. And that can happen. Casey.

[Aaron Keating]

It can.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Hey, it's JPC from Hey. Rotor Vertical. And you're listening to the normal radio. I will drink a cup of my own piss. Serving a little bit of cunt. Sex with a cousin. Sex with a horse. This would be better if it was two times as fast in porn. Okay.

[Casey]

Slay mama.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I'm not going to a Local zoo to get my fucking rocks off. Okay. Fuck me, me up, mama. Do not nut on me. Misplace suck could kind of end me. I am so sick of this.

[Aaron Keating]

That just made me so nostalgic for you. That music did a lot of heavy lifting.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ar. I think you called me out on it once before in a Gumshoes and Dragons recording. But I do talk about that Five for Fighting song way too much.

[Aaron Keating]

We talk about it like it comes up. That's your Muppets. Is that Five for Fighting song that.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That one fight? The one Five for Fighting song that I know comes up a lot. Well, that was another one from Jade Cipher. Happy Jade Cipher month on the podcast. Thank you so much for submitting that. If you want to submit a voicemail song, and it doesn't apparently have to do anything with our voicemail, you could do any. Just 30 seconds or less to HRR podcastmail.com Hey, clue crew. I'm just calling from the water factory doing the overnight shift. Getting a little sleepy here. How do y' all stay awake when you need to, but your body don't? And coffee don't work no more? Thanks in advance.

[Aaron Keating]

Did you say the water factory?

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

That's what it sounded like.

[Casey]

Now, here's the thing. I used to work at the Chicago water plant, but I never heard it referred to as a water factory.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

When people use the word factory, it makes me think it's, like, slang. Like, yeah, I work at the old, like, you know, computer factory, you know, and it's like, it means you have, like, a, you know, computer job, right? Like, factory. Factory feels like an informal way to say the thing that you. But.

[Casey]

But if it's literal, I think of, like, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Like, assembly line. Like diddle dee. Like stamping, stamping, stamping.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

I mean, if you think about it, like, those Aquafina bottles got to come from somewhere. This person maybe just works at the water factory.

[Aaron Keating]

Please call back and answer our questions. This is a mystery I need solved. What do you mean water factory?

[Casey]

And if possible, I would love some water factory swag.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Just wearing a hat that says water factory on it. What do you guys do? Do you guys have tricks to. To stay up when you need to? They said when caffeine don't work. I gotta tell you, coffee works for me, but if I had to do something without coffee, I don't know what I would do.

[Aaron Keating]

I know a lot of people chew that. Like, alert gum. It's like nicotine gum to make your brain sharp.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Ugh.

[Aaron Keating]

When Caffeine doesn't work anymore. Drinking a ton of water, electrolytes, little piece of candy in your pocket.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You can't sleep if you have to pee. That's science.

[Aaron Keating]

Find out someone's cheating on you. Every time. I found that out. I'm wired.

[Casey]

Yeah, every time. Aaron, I'm so sorry.

[Aaron Keating]

Oh.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

You have to. You have to do something to get your adrenaline up. So if you're falling asleep, but you need to stay awake, pick a fight with someone way bigger than you, you know?

[Aaron Keating]

Yeah. Adrenaline.

[Casey]

Watch only Ross scenes from Friends because he has so much energy, right. In all his scenes, he's practically screaming in every scene he's in. Yeah. The rock Pettit.

[Aaron Keating]

I think we just gave a lot of really good advice. Yeah, yeah.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

We see in the news in a couple of weeks, water factory shuts down because water inspector falls asleep at his job.

[Casey]

He was on a break. Well, thank you so much for the voicemail. You can always send us a voicemail at deepgap.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Like something, something riddle one.

[Aaron Keating]

It's in the episode of cherokee.com plugs.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Anything to plug everybody. What do we got?

[Aaron Keating]

I got nothing.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Okay. Water. I got a review to read. This one comes from Zarka. Like circa Zarka, maybe. It says, I love this podcast. Oh, boy. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Yeah. Five stars. Here we go. They've got Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water meters, walkie talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, junior cable, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoon and ladles, pesticides and fumigation, high performance lubrication, metal roofing, waterproofing, multipurpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wreck chisels, smoke detectors, tire cages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, duracells and energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers. Sorry. Jpc. Love the show. Keep it up. Is that from something?

[Casey]

Is that from Weird Al hardware store?

[Aaron Keating]

It's awesome. It's very impressive. If you want JPC to do something like that, leave a five star review. He'll read anything, apparently.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Yeah. And if you want to do something or something.

[Aaron Keating]

Hot dogs. Hot dogs. You don't even let me say it. I wanted to say it. Hot dogs. Don't. Stop it.

[Casey]

Hot dogs.

[Aaron Keating]

Hot dogs. Hot dogs. Hot dogs.

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

Created by Apple Refine, starring Aaron Keating and John Patrick Cohen. Casey. Tony did the editing. Hey there, Phil Bins and Regises. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We play a game that's kind of not really who Wants to Be a Millionaire. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyridobriddle or by joining the clue crew for $5 a month. Or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[Aaron Keating]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Quieres mejor Internet Cox Internet de tresientas

[John Patrick Cohen (JPC)]

megas tiene las velocidades rapidas y com fiable es que buscas perfecto para streaming y gaming y TRA bajar des casa solo quarantine Cox Mobile. Include yakipo de wifi. I guarantee a depressio de dosanos into plan no esperes Gambia. Teoi a Cox Dracula. Cox Mobile Gig unlimited guaranteed, including Quest Mobile.