#399: Tedd-99

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #399: Tedd-99 (March 11, 2026) – Summary

Episode Overview

In this lively and pun-filled episode, hosts Adal Rifai, Erin Keefe, and John Patrick Coan (JPC) tackle a slew of animal-based riddles, improvise hilarious scenes around them, and riff on everything from Taco Bell slogans to the perils of potty training and children’s party characters. The central focus is a set of “Animal Pun Raid” riddles submitted by listener Ted, sparking rapid-fire wordplay and improv. Along the way, the trio's tangents, inside jokes, and playfully chaotic energy are on full display, making it a quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

Taco Bell Improv – Slogans, Mascots & Corporate Satire

[00:29–04:22]

• The show opens with an improvised boardroom scene where the team brainstorms retro Taco Bell pricing and new slogans.
• The hosts joke about problematic slogans from the ‘80s (“Run for the border”), possible alternatives, and the fate of the Taco Bell chihuahua.

“Cheap dong.” – Erin (02:02) “Should we say a few words? … Chalupa, quesadilla, gordita, chocolate taco, quesarito, cinnamon twists.”—Erin, mock-eulogy for the chihuahua (02:32)

• They riff on Taco Bell culture, strange slogans, and absurd memories.

Musical Tangent – “I Love My Shirt”

[05:36–06:42]

• Adal references an obscure ‘60s song “I Love My Shirt” by Donovan, leading to a discussion about Raffi-adjacent children’s music and ideas for mock apology songs.

Animal Parade & Animal Stories

[08:09–16:34]

• JPC introduces “Animal Parade,” blending animal improv with riffing on quirky animal news.
• The hosts share a heartwarming real-life story about a boy, his cat Cheese, and the pitfalls of bribing toddlers with pets for potty training.

“Sometimes Popsicle will show up when we’re trying to take a bath…sometimes Cock a Doodle Doo will show up when we’re eating dinner.”—JPC on his kid's imaginary animal friends (10:10)

Potty Training Theories – Serious and Silly

[13:00–13:49]

• JPC explains evolving potty training advice—from M&Ms and bribes to “three days naked” methods.
• Erin and Adal contribute with tongue-in-cheek parenting wisdom and anecdotes.

“Animal Pun Raid” Riddles – Warmup & Wordplay

[16:44–34:12, 40:42–62:02]

• Listener Ted’s “Animal Pun Raid” challenges the hosts to solve riddles resulting in animal-based puns.
• Examples and banter:
  • “This mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it’s a rabbit.”—Answer: “Haircut” (17:50)
  • “This arthropod makes great use of the web while performing espionage.”—Answer: “Spider” (18:13)
  • “These eusocial insects will often go to war with each other to gain resources.”—Answer: “Deficient” (defi-ANT) (32:05)
  • “The largest living land animal is worried that it doesn’t matter.”—Answer: “Irrelephant” (41:12)
  • “This marsupial has all the right credentials to be called a bear.”—Answer: “Koalified” (42:12)
  • “This tiny crustacean prefers to live without complexity or excess.”—Answer: “Shrimply” (48:18)
  • “This animal will always play dead when threatened, despite having so many other options.”—Answer: “Possum – Possibilities” (54:42)
• Each riddle is followed by wordplay, scene requests, and playful bickering.
  • “Can we give that one to Erin?”—JPC (41:20)
  • “Haircut. Cut. Haircut.” – JPC clarifying the pun format (18:13)
  • “Shut up. Talkative. Talkative.”—Adal, struggling with ‘talkative’ (26:30)
• Multiple improv scenes are woven in to illustrate or extend the logic or absurdity of the riddles.

Improv Scenes and Running Bits – Riddles to Sketch Comedy

Throughout, notably:

• Espionage spider: Spy spiders in a CIA briefing ([21:09])
• Toy execs pitch “cat attack” (26:34)
• Chimpanzee actors on a “Chimpossible” set ([29:35])
• “Shrimply the Simple Shrimp” — sitcom parody ([48:29])
• “Crow Operation” – crow doctors operate on a human ([50:33])
• Koala job interview at Claire’s ([42:17])

“Can I take a shot in the dark? Am I the first koala you’ve talked to in an employment sense?” – Erin as a job-seeking koala (43:38)

Tangents: CGI and Pop Culture Sidebars

• Mockery of poor CGI in TV/movies (Once Upon a Time, Polar Express, “cat butthole” VFX fiasco)

“Buttholes, buttholes, buttholes!”—Erin, on rushed VFX (53:46)

• Reflecting on the cultural shelf-life of Ally McBeal’s “dancing baby” and related nostalgia ([52:47])

Voicemails & Bonus Segment: Royalty-Free Party Characters

[62:34–66:49]

• Responding to a listener’s request for royalty-free children’s party character pitches, the hosts invent characters like:
  • “Alfred the Alligator Who Don’t Eat Kids”
  • “Clown Townie” (the local clown)
  • “Kendra the Apathetic Unicorn”
  • “Tommy Balloons: a man made out of balloons” (not for free!)

“Tommy Balloons is actually not for sale. Thank you.”—Adal (66:46)

Quick-Fire Moments & Quotes

| Timestamp | Moment/Quote | |-------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:02 | “Cheap dong. … You know how bells go Dong.”—Erin | | 04:57 | “This is Hey Riddle Riddle...the podcast about riddles featuring improv, featuring three guys drinking some coffee.”—JPC | | 17:13 | “This mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it’s a rabbit.”—Animal pun riddle intro | | 41:16 | “Irrelephant. Aaron, what do we think? Can we give that one to Aaron?”—JPC | | 54:42 | “Possibilities.”—Adal with possibly the best animal pun of the bunch | | 48:29 | “Shrimply is filmed in front of a live studio audience.”—parody sitcom skit |

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Episode Structure / Timestamps

[00:29–04:22] — Taco Bell Improv / Slogans

[04:22–08:09] — Banter, Song Jokes, Introduction

[08:09–16:34] — Animal Parade, Animal News Story, Parenting Tangent

[16:44–34:12] — “Animal Pun Raid” Warmup Riddles and Scenes

[34:12–40:42] — Ads (skipped)

[40:42–62:02] — Main “Animal Pun Raid” Round; Riddles, Wordplay, Improv Scenes

[62:34–66:49] — Voicemails; Royalty-Free Party Characters Segment

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Notable Quotes (Speaker attributions & timestamps)

• Erin (02:02): “Cheap dong. … You know how bells go Dong.”
• JPC as improv exec (02:41): “No bad ideas. These haven’t been great, but they’re not bad.”
• Adal as job-seeking koala (43:38): "Am I the first koala you’ve talked to in an employment sense?"
• Adal (41:16): “Irrelephant. Aaron, what do we think? Can we give that one to Aaron?”
• Adal (54:42): “Possibilities.”
• Erin (48:18): “Shrimply. The very simple shrimp.”
• JPC (66:46): “Tommy Balloons is actually not for sale. Thank you. Thank you so much.”

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Tone & Style

The hosts blend rapid-fire wit, relentless punnery, and affable chaos. The tone is irreverent, warm, and inclusive—inviting listeners to enjoy both the riddles and the meandering routes the hosts take. Improv is ever-present, with surreal tangents and in-jokes fitting the "barely about riddles" promise.

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Summary Takeaways

“Animal Pun Raid” is a crowd-pleasing, wordplay-heavy feature that showcases the cast’s skills at both solving puns and improvising comedically around them. The episode is layered with tangential real-life stories, crowd-pleasing improv scenes, and affectionate ribbing. For fans, it offers classic Hey Riddle Riddle chemistry with new riddle structures and improv shenanigans. Newcomers get a taste of everything the show’s about: riddles, barely-sequitur jokes, enthusiastic sketches, and a podcast community vibe.

Listeners searching for high quantity/quality animal puns, improv sketches, and podcast energy at its purest will find this episode shrimply irresistible.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice away. And the horses named riding.

[A]

First.

[B]

Two, three, four, eight. All right, everyone, thank you so much for joining us. As you know, fast food sales have been plummeting. So what we're going to do at Taco Bell is we are going to be returning to 1986 prices.

[C]

Oh, hell yeah. So 39 cent burritos and tacos.

[B]

Burritos and tacos max out at 39 cents. All specialty items are like 89 to 99 cents. Some stuff, yeah.

[A]

It costs more to make those items. It sounds like we're gonna be losing a lot of money.

[B]

I understand what we tell people. It hasn't actually cost more to make stuff in 40 years.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, it's just we've papa's been hungry, you know, for money. Not talking about, eh, wouldn't eat the stuff. So we're just like,

[C]

no, it's.

[B]

Don't worry about it. So we're not doing. We're not just. Basically, we're not gonna have like obscene profits anymore, but we think we're gonna capture enough market with these crazy low prices that it's all gon out. The problem is we can't go back to 1986 slogans because.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Well, we can't scream run for the border.

[B]

Yeah, I'm looking at what our Slogan was in 1986. And we can't scream run for the border anymore. That's just like dicey nowadays. So we're going to change things up and we just need new slogans to kind of reflect our new prices.

[C]

Okay. Okay. Cheap dong.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know how bells go Dong.

[B]

Yeah, I know how bells go dong. I also know the dong is a pretty charged word.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

All right, sir, I thought you'd never ask. Welcome back the Taco Bell chihuahua. Oh, he's dead.

[B]

Oh, he's dead.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They. They're dead. Okay, why don't we get that off the desk? I'll just get a little baker's box and.

[A]

Oh, no, it's gonna turn into dust. Yeah, yeah, it's dust.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Should we say a few words or. Chalupa, quesadilla, gordita, chocolate, taco, quesarito, cinnamon twists.

[B]

I think that's sufficient. I think that's sufficient. All right. I mean, there are no bad ideas. These haven't been great, but they're not bad.

[A]

Oh, you got me with Cinnamon twist. Whoa. That really. That's what sent me over the edge.

[B]

I think you actually just inhaled a little Chihuahua dust.

[A]

Oh, maybe. Maybe that's what the cinnamon twist dust is.

[B]

Let's not put that in there.

[C]

Shell out some money.

[B]

Oh, yeah, but it's like. But it's less money, so, like, shell out.

[C]

It's you and shell.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. Cheese to meet you.

[C]

You know, I'm in hr. I shouldn't be tossing out ideas. I'm sorry.

[B]

We actually need you to be here. And you shouldn't be tossing out dong ideas. Those are the only ones that HR shouldn't be tossing out. Okay.

[A]

Sour cream in your jeans for Taco Bell.

[B]

Charge. You want to take that one? Here.

[C]

Sour cream your jeans for Taco Bell. I don't see any issues.

[B]

So what we'll do instead is we'll just disband the company. Is everybody kind of happy with that?

[A]

I love Taco Bell.

[B]

No, please.

[C]

Where else can I be surrounded by deep teal and electric purple?

[A]

Where else can I watch a guy in Wrigleyville throw up down his shirt while he waits for his food, take his food and then watch him eat it outside?

[B]

They tore that one down. They put up a nice one. Now it looks like an office building.

[C]

Oh, a cantina.

[B]

A cantina. A cantina. Okay, well, you know what? Instead of that, why don't we do this? Why don't we just do the make a run for the border? We just keep that one, and we all take, like, couple million dollar bonuses.

[C]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

To start.

[B]

That's our appetizer. Speaking of starting, welcome to. Hey, Riddle Riddle, the podcast about what Taco Bell slogan was in probably 1988 somewhere.

[C]

Somewhere 88 to 94. Miyamo. I don't know if I.

[A]

We're eight years in. We're not about anything anymore.

[B]

That's Aaron Keefe. I'm John Petrick. Cohen. This. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. It's the podcast about riddles featuring improv featuring riddles. Riddles featuring improv featuring three guys drinking some coffee. Aaron, you drinking coffee?

[A]

Nope. I'm drinking an energy drink because coffee sometimes gives me a rash. If you guys have a hard time remembering JPC's name, be like my dad and remember it by calling him just plain comedy.

[B]

That's so smart. I ran into Arnie Parrott this last weekend, and he was wearing a T shirt that. I don't remember what it was for, but it said SPC on it, and it was for some other, like, you know, thing that he knows or does or whatever, but I was like, that's wild to run into you. And you have a shirt that almost says JPC on it.

[A]

Were you mad at him? Did you yell mad at the shirt?

[B]

Well, grabbed the shirt by the shirt and shook it.

[A]

What if we punished him by making him write a bullshit song? Adol. Sky's the limit. What should we make Arnie do?

[C]

Write a song called I'm Never gonna Shirt Again.

[B]

Guilty. Shirt. Don't shirt. No sleeve.

[C]

I'm Never gonna Shirt Again.

[A]

Okay. Love it. What if it's like, when you know the song's like, I love my shirt. I love my shirt. My shirt is so comfortably lovely.

[B]

What?

[C]

Do you know the song at all? I know the rhythm, but I don't

[A]

know if you have a shirt that you really loved from the 60s. I think one that you feel so groovy in it don't even mind when it starts to fade at all. I'm not even making this up. This is real. That only makes sense. Nicer still, my dad downloaded it on Napster. But wait, called I Love My Shirt.

[B]

But who sings it?

[A]

A man.

[B]

Okay, it sounds kind of. It sounds raffy adjacent. Is this like. It's like a song for.

[A]

It sounds raffy adjacent.

[B]

Is it a song for children? It's Donovan.

[C]

Donovan who sings Mellow Yellow.

[A]

Yes. Cool, right?

[B]

Uh, yeah.

[A]

Okay, what if we have Arnie write a song that is an apology to us?

[C]

Ooh, yes.

[A]

Anything he feels sorry for doing to us as individuals or as a group. Casey, have you ever been cited by Arnie Parrott at any point, he's typing, never. That's not helpful. Her's a saint.

[B]

Okay, he might be thinking of somebody else. He said her's a saint. He might think, oops.

[A]

Lol. All right, I'll be the one to call Arnie and tell him that we need a song that is an apology to us that we can insert here.

[B]

Hey, Casey, just in case Aaron forgets to do this, let's record a pickup of me saying, I think Aaron forgot to do this. Okay, cool.

[C]

And I think it should be in the vein of Nine Inch Nails.

[B]

Oh, in the vein Nine Inch Nails. This is disgusting. Content. It's too dark for me. I hate this stuff. Oh, hey, would you guys like a chance to lighten the mood a little bit?

[C]

Um, yes.

[A]

Yeah, I thought it was pretty light, but I guess I can go a little higher.

[B]

Why don't we do a segment? We haven't done a segment in a while.

[A]

Ooh, is it Paul Ruddles? Is it what episode of House have you seen? And we have to guess.

[B]

No, stop guessing my good segments.

[A]

Is it which dog is associated with which dogs in a dog calendar? These are real fucking segments you've done, by the way.

[B]

It's not even a JPC segment. It's actually a segment that Adol invented. But we're going to be playing it today. And it goes a little something like this. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do. A penguin with the Afro.

[C]

A gecko on stilts.

[A]

A ladybug with a headache.

[B]

A giraffe with a neck brace.

[C]

A man bug who? Really, Linda? A headache.

[B]

It's animal parade.

[A]

Oh, I want a whole eight seasons of a sitcom between ladybug and man bug.

[C]

Two and a half bugs.

[A]

She's a nag.

[B]

A gnat.

[A]

Oh, sorry, a gnat.

[B]

Okay, well, we're actually doing an animal parade because we're doing, like, someone submitted some riddles that are, like, quasi. They're animal parade adjacent. And so it required us to play a little animal parade. But let's see. I'm gonna Google right now some animal stories. Okay, let's see. Here's someone. Cuyoga county launches Animal Crimes Prosecution Unit. Okay, that's not good. Let's see. Waterline breaks at Laurel Animal Shelter, leaving them without running water. Okay, let's see.

[A]

That's not good.

[B]

The story of a cat named Cheese and the toddler who knew best. What do we think?

[C]

Bingo.

[A]

There we go. Go back to the one with the dogs not having water.

[B]

Okay, so this is from October 29th of 2025 for National Cat Day. Didn't know about ADOL. Did you know about National Cat Day?

[C]

I found out on the day, and then I didn't want to say anything to my cats because it felt like I missed it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's always the worst.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's see. Okay. Okay. The first part of this story is about a cat dying. Let's gonna skip right over that. Even though pets die, I mean, that's kind of part of it. What are we doing? Okay, so it says this National Cat Day, we're celebrating by sharing the inspiring story of Wake County External Communications manager Alice Avery and her cat, Cheese. You might think that you'll adopt someday. Maybe even the perfect name picked out. But someday can quickly turn into right now when you have a toddler who loves cats. Uh, oh. And already knows the name for your future pet. Uh, that's exactly what happened to our own Wake County External Communication manager, Alice Avery. I will say that my toddler is currently picking Names for animals that are there, like alter egos. So right now they have a puppy named Jellybean, a cat named Popsicle, and a chicken named Cock a Doodle Doo. And these creatures will show up many times when we are not really in a mood for playing, like, animal. Like, sometimes Popsicle will show up when we're trying to take a bath. And I'm like, hey, I'm not going to bathe Popsicle. I actually want to bathe a human at this point. And sometimes Cock a Doodle Doo will show up when we're eating dinner. And I said, well, I actually don't want to feed.

[A]

And you're eating chicken.

[B]

Well, they're a vegetarian, so I don't want to feed a vegetarian. I don't want to feed a vegetarian chicken. That's true. I don't want to do that at all.

[C]

But at jbc, love your kid. I'd say two out of three. I'd say there's one glaring swing and a miss in there.

[A]

Yeah. Are they open to notes?

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course. That's all they're open to. Feedback.

[A]

Feedback. Yeah. Maybe do another run at Cockadoodle Do. Maybe think of a fun sort of sweet treat.

[B]

Well, here's the thing. Popsicle and Jelly Bean were names that me and Mariah picked. Cock A Doodle Doo was the first name that they picked. And I think that they maybe. Oh, that's terrible. I think they maybe got confused because Cock a Doodle Doo is also like a noise like a rooster makes. So. Hey, we're giving it time. We're giving it the time. I have not lost hope in them yet. Um, let's see.

[C]

You should show them Rock a Doodle do, the early 90s animated musical.

[B]

Oh, what's that? What's Rockaboodle?

[C]

That's what it's called.

[B]

What isn't. Isn't there like a rockabilly rooster? What's that guy's name?

[C]

That's.

[B]

That's Rock a Doodle Do.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Where it's like. It's like if Elvis was a rooster or something.

[B]

Yeah. So Alice said that her previous cat passed away. I knew I'd eventually get another cat, but I was waiting for the right time and also gained some of the sanity after having a baby. The right time came in 2022 during the Great Potty Training Adventure with her three year old son Sam. I was desperately trying to potty train him and bribed him with a cat. Okay, that's crazy. Alice laughed. Spoiler alert. It didn't work. Alice. Alice, honey.

[A]

Alice.

[B]

They also say you're, like, never supposed to bribe when you're doing potty training. So it's crazy to be like, yeah, okay. They mean, like, not, like a piece of chocolate or whatever. What about a fucking cat?

[A]

Jpc. What's, like, the modern potty training thinking? Because a decade ago when I was a nanny, it was a lot of Eminem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bribes.

[B]

They say nowadays you're not supposed to. You're not supposed to use, like, rewards like that, because then they're, like, learning to potty train for, like, the wrong reason. You're also not supposed to make too big of a deal of it. Like, you're not supposed to be like, yay, you went potty in the toilet. You know, you're just. You're kind of trying to normalize it. Like, I go potty in the toilet. Mama goes potty in the toilet. You go potty in the toilet.

[A]

No, you don't. So that is kind of a hard thing to.

[B]

I go near. It's near the toilet in my secret bathroom hole. But. But now, nowadays, it's like the. Oh, I can't remember what the actual name for it is, but it's like you spend, like, three days totally naked, like, learning the cues of your body. So, like, you.

[C]

You.

[B]

What's that?

[C]

Burning Man?

[B]

Yeah, it's Burning man for toddlers, basically. Like, you play fucking, like, weird, trippy music. You have, like, a barter system. You ride a bicycle in the desert, and you kind of, like, learn that when you start to pee, you're peeing now and you're getting it all over you. And it's pretty effective. My kid picked it up pretty quick. And then there's the other crazy potty training stuff, which is like, starting the potty training as soon as they're born and being. That's. Like. That one seemed like way more effort, and I was pretty scared by that one. I did not go that route. Whoa. Okay. Years earlier, Alice and her husband, both fans of the Wire, had already decided that their future cat would be named Cheese after one of the show's characters.

[A]

Okay, we're obviously over here at Harrow Riddle, a huge fan of naming animals after foods.

[C]

Yeah, I remember Bubbles. I don't remember Cheese. Okay, I remember when Omar was coming, he would whistle a song that had to do with Cheese. Right.

[B]

I hope I don't get in trouble here, but I gotta think that Cheese was one of the names of the drug dealers and not one of the names of the cops or the teachers or the Dock workers on the wire. That's. I get a. I'm gonna go for that. I don't know who it was.

[C]

Prez Palowski.

[B]

Prez Poluski.

[C]

Season four. Obviously the best season. And Prez Polluski's a big part of that.

[B]

We know who Cheese wasn't. Cheese wasn't Omar. Cheese wasn't Marlon.

[C]

Who was it? Brother Mazone.

[B]

Yeah, Brother Bazone. Who was the season five bad guy? It's biggest. The name Marlo.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

Wasn't Marlow. It wasn't. Oh, God. That English actor who played the Copinger or whatever. Oh, no, no, no. Not that guy. That guy. Was that the mayor? Carketti? It wasn't Carketti.

[C]

Good poll.

[B]

Anyway, my cat's name's gonna be Carketti. So when the family visited the Wake county animal shelter and spotted an orange tabby, Sam didn't hesitate. That's her. That's my Cheese. He declared. And just like that, Cheese found her home. From that moment on, for the past five years, Cheese has been Sam's best friend and buddy. They've grown up together side by side. That I gotta say, pretty adorable.

[C]

Oh, jbc. In the comments for this episode, someone just said Car Kitty was right there.

[B]

Car kitty. Car kitty.

[C]

Damn, we missed it.

[B]

She. I missed it.

[C]

That guy just died.

[B]

And rest in power King. Do a real one. I did like that character. Anyway, so that's our animal parade. But it's all that to say it's a lead in to some listener submitted riddles for that. When I was doing taxes this year, I found an envelope that I thought was a tax document, but must have been someone. Something that someone handed me in a live show because it is a. It's from Ted. And Ted says I can use their name. And they wrote these series of riddles and they're called Animal Pun Raid. Ooh. Because the form of the riddle.

[C]

Oh yeah. This is a 1099.

[B]

That's very good.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Name of the episode's 1099. You won't get it until you start listening. The form is fairly simple. There's a single sentence that contains two clues. One describes or gives a fact about an animal, while the other is a random word. And when put together, they form a pun. So you'll get it. It's called Animal Pun Raid.

[C]

Hold on. So we can figure out the animals if we suss it out. But the other one's a random word.

[B]

No, it's not random. It's a word that just has nothing to do with that animal. So random is. It's just like a. It's a non sequitur. But the clue will help you.

[A]

Okay, so here's your date from my seat on the stage. Brush off my legs, walk down the seat, go and sit in the audience, smile, lean back, grab some popcorn, wait for Adol to do this completely on his own. Not my skill set, but excited to watch you do this, Adol.

[B]

Happy for you.

[A]

Happy for you.

[B]

This mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit. The mammal thinks that getting its fur trimmed will stop people from thinking it's a rabbit.

[C]

Like a hare.

[B]

Yeah. A hare hair is correct.

[C]

And how are we supposed to guess the other part?

[B]

The getting its fur trimmed is the other thing.

[C]

Haircut.

[B]

You're right. So the pun here is haircut.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

So you see how it's all. It's not a random word. It's contained within it. Like it's a haircut. Cut. Haircut. Okay, so that's. Here's some warmups. They included some warmups. Again, thank you, Ted, for submitting these. Okay. They also said that these are here because the pronunciation of the pun version is too close to the original word, but they're still warmups. Okay. This arthropod makes great use of the web while performing Espionage Spider. It is a spider. You got it.

[C]

Take your tailor soldier spider.

[B]

I do want to see.

[A]

To see if anyone's selling hot dogs or soda. And I snack.

[C]

Don't.

[A]

Too late.

[C]

Buzzer beater. That was a total buzzer beater. A.

[B]

Are you doing it on purpose?

[A]

I mean, I, I you. I've never seen anyone panic the way you just panicked.

[B]

It's. I was on another tab. I have a Patreon coming out eventually with I. I'll need some other sound bites for. So I was. I was on another tab, but I. My fingers on the hot dog.

[A]

You didn't sound ready.

[B]

Now I'm ready. Now I'm ready.

[A]

You didn't sound ready.

[C]

I'm ready to be at, like, a club. And, like, you know how DJs are famously known for, like, these cool transitions where it's like, transition from one song to the other and it's just

[B]

hot dogs.

[A]

Hot dogs.

[B]

I will say, I will say it's eye opening how much we talk about hot dogs on the show because of how much use we've gotten out of the hot dog sting. But I also think. I also think that people, Aaron, are really responding to your hot dog gremlin. I think people love this character. They're incorporating it into their own lives. I think we've really changed kind of the whole culture on hot dogs.

[A]

First of all, I'm not a gremlin. Just my voice.

[B]

That's my face, sir.

[A]

That's my face, sir. No, honestly, I'm honored. I'm honored making any sort of cultural impact. Anyway. Oh, you know where I was trying to think of a song about hot dogs? The only one I can think about is the Mickey Mouse clubhouse. So, like, hot dogs. Hot dog. Hot dog, hot. Digging it out. You get it. What scene did you want to see?

[B]

Oh, okay, I do remember. I want to see a scene. Aaron, you are going to be playing like, the. Like the IMF or the CIA or whatever, like the shadowy government. And ADOL is going to be your best field agent, and you're giving him his new assignment. And he's also a spider.

[A]

Thank you for meeting me here. Don't look directly at me.

[C]

Of course. The dove flies at midnight 23 is the new Upside Down.

[A]

Can we focus? On what? The task at hand.

[C]

Sorry, I'm a little hungover. Try to read this poetry.

[A]

It's good. And you're a good poet, but your country needs you.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

If you go to the National Bank, Dropbox 8 has a. Sorry, where are you looking at?

[C]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

All eight of your eyes are.

[C]

I just saw a fly get caught in my web and I didn't know if I could, like, grab it or, like, if that would be rude. I'm pretty hungry. I'm hungover.

[A]

Um, yeah, we got a little time. You can grab a fly.

[B]

No, it seems like what you're doing is really important. You should finish. You should finish your important conversation.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That fly's been listening the whole time. You gotta kill it. For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no, I don't.

[B]

Trust me, I.

[C]

What's up, Josh? What's up now, bitch?

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Fuck.

[C]

Remember when you said my web couldn't hold cotton candy?

[B]

Not specifically.

[C]

Huh. Stronger than Steel.

[A]

Smash cut to last night at a bar where he's drunk and he says

[B]

your web couldn't melt jet steel beams. What?

[C]

Come on, man.

[B]

Well, 911 was an inside voice.

[C]

See?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's true. Hey, it's true.

[A]

Although I did want to give you a spy task. I'm sorry that I didn't get to finish it.

[B]

What would it have been, Eren?

[A]

It would have been going. Getting something out of, like, one of those boxes at a bank. What are they called?

[C]

Oh, safety deposit box.

[A]

Yeah. Safety deposit box. And then it would have been about, like, tying someone up.

[C]

Okay, Aaron, let me walk you through this.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

From behind, you see the camera, and you see a giant sort of long coat, black and white, checkered Anne Hathaway hair. I turn around, I put on big black sunglasses, Anne Hathaway style. Big, big smile, smirk from my lips, big Anne Hathaway lips. I go, excuse me, I need to see safety deposit box number eight. And I drop a pencil that I bend down to pick it up. Anne Hathaway.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Here's the key.

[C]

Oh, thank you so much. Sorry about. I forget my id. Big Anne Hathaway shimmy to catch your eye.

[A]

No problem, miss.

[C]

And the camera pulls back and we see me as a little spider, sort of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone With a Ton of Web, when he's controlling all those, like, cardboard cutouts of Jordan and everything. It's me controlling a cardboard cut out of Anna Hathaway.

[A]

Okay. I would do another 40 minutes of this if you have the energy, Adam, if you got the calories for this.

[B]

You know what? I feel like maybe more recently people have done away with it, but there used to be this very anti Anne Hathaway vibe that I never understood. I think people would like how earnest she was. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

People were like, ugh, theater kid. And it's like, well, yeah, most actors are theater kids.

[B]

You would say that if you're like, a theater kid, but, like, you work at, like, a bank or something, and you're like, ugh, God, theater kid. All they need to do is, like, be a teller here. But it's like, that's their whole job as actor. They shouldn't be a theater kid. This common house pet prattles on and on about how many birds it kills each year.

[A]

Cat cataracts.

[B]

It's not. Oh, cataracts, Aaron. That's good. It has nothing to do with the clue.

[A]

I'm going back to the audience.

[B]

I'll emphasize the clue here. This common house pet prattles on and on about how many birds it kills each year. So you got cat part. Prattles on and on.

[C]

Oh, cat. A Chatty Cathy. Catty, catty, chathy. Catty, chathy, Catty, chathy, Catty Griffin.

[A]

My favorite character.

[B]

Me meeting Chatting Tatum. Oh, catty Chathy. Fuck. Oh, fuck.

[A]

I blew it. I blew it. I love your work in Step up

[C]

and step up 2 and step up 3 and step up to the streets 3D.

[B]

So someone who prattles on and on but, like, that has, like, a negative connotation. I guess this kind of has a negative connotation. You would say that that person is very. They're loquacious. They're very.

[C]

It's not chatty.

[B]

No, it's not chatty.

[C]

Catatonic. Very. Verbose.

[B]

Vermin. Bose, don't worry about the cat part of it. Verbose would be another synonym. Loquacious.

[A]

Moxy.

[B]

It's a word that ends in a tive.

[A]

Talkative.

[C]

Talkative.

[B]

Okay. Put it all together. Cat.

[A]

Catative. Cat talkative.

[B]

Yeah. Talkative. Talk a Cat talkative.

[A]

Shut up. Shut up. Talkative. Talkative.

[B]

Now I need to do something.

[A]

Catechvin.

[B]

Aaron. I want to see a seed. And you, Adel and I are going to be like Toy company, like CEOs. And you're going to be like, pitching us a new idea. And you call it. What'd you call it? Talk? A cat? Cat attack. You call it what? You said got a talk. Okay. You call it cat attack.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[C]

Big rail.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So. Don't mind if I do. I guess if we're.

[A]

You know those little.

[C]

I got some in my nose.

[A]

Those little talk things from the 80s. What are they called? Quick, quick. Are you fired?

[C]

Talk back.

[B]

Talk boy. Talk boy.

[A]

Yeah, whatever. Those things. Okay, we do surgery. We put it inside your average household Kit Kat, wrap it up, call it Christmas. We're on our way. We're on our way to our first billion boys. Let's go golfing to celebrate.

[C]

Obviously, I do want to go golfing, and I do wanna celebrate. And I do enjoy parts of this idea. I just don't know if Mattel is ready for surgery.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Oh, is it. Am I mistaken, or was it us that did the surgery game? The one where it buzzes?

[C]

The stomach operation?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I think it was Parker Brothers.

[A]

No, we lost out on that money.

[B]

Well, I mean.

[A]

Oh, we're poor. What's us?

[C]

What's us?

[A]

What's us?

[C]

I think Barbie. I think we have Barbie.

[B]

That's Hasbro.

[A]

Okay, well, we've had Dr. Barbies, so

[B]

no off of Barbies. Mattel, Mattel, Mattel. Transformers.

[C]

Mattel, Mattel.

[B]

Do we have Transformers? No. Hold on. Lisa, check to see if we have Transformers.

[A]

No, don't tell me what to do.

[B]

Oh, your name's Lisa as well.

[A]

I was trying to be the secretary in a different room.

[B]

I didn't want to make you the secretary.

[A]

Well, you did, by yelling and making an appealing character to be.

[C]

Women can be secretaries if they want.

[B]

If they want. Okay, here's the next one. This bovine finds Itself utterly incapable of not running at a red cape. Bull.

[C]

Bull. Bullshit.

[B]

Bull. Utterly incapable.

[C]

Cow. Bull. Cow.

[B]

Bull.

[C]

Coward. Coward.

[B]

Cowherd. It's not. It's not any of that. Something if. Something. If you were utterly incapable of something, you would say, oh, man, that's

[C]

impossible. Chimp possible.

[B]

You got it.

[C]

Impossible.

[B]

Chimp possible. Yes, it's impossible. Let's do one more of these, then we'll be fully warmed up and then we'll take a break.

[C]

I do want to see a quick scene, though.

[B]

Oh, please.

[C]

The two of you are chimpanzees and you've been cast in the new remake called Chimpossible. And the two of you are just kind of meeting on the set for the first time before your big laser heist scene.

[B]

Cigarette?

[A]

No. I'm gonna be doing a lot of running today, so.

[B]

So am I. I mean, the only way to get really amped up is to have a nice cigarette.

[A]

I'm doing my own stunts, so.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah, I gotta keep lung capacity up for the day.

[B]

I got a little baby orangutan doing all my stunts. You have your. They just spray painted an orangutan. You're doing your own stunts?

[A]

Yeah, I'm from like a long line of like really brave monkeys. Mine, My grandfather was the one that went to space.

[B]

Chimps are apes.

[A]

I know, but.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We could say monkeys. We could say monkeys for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's like fun. It's fun for us to be kind of like a little bit racist.

[A]

I'm gonna go. I think. Okay.

[B]

No, no. Yeah.

[A]

A banana species.

[C]

And action.

[A]

Predator. Yep.

[C]

We'll add that in post.

[B]

What the do you need me here for on set then? If we can add all my stuff on post.

[C]

We guys are the agents. And action.

[B]

Can you. And can you CGI out the cigarette? Cuz I'm not gonna stop smoking it. I don't know. I'm covered in tenn. I assume you could take the cigarette out as well.

[A]

Throws poop.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I told you this is not motion capture.

[A]

Throws poop. Throws poop. Eats a banana. Hits every laser.

[C]

And cut. And checking the gate. And that is a wrap. Give a round of applause for Tangerine and Beret.

[A]

It's all right, you guys.

[B]

I'm not even going to be in this movie. They're going to have Chatty Cathy mocap me in.

[A]

So let's go on a break.

[B]

No, we gotta do one more.

[A]

We have to do one more.

[B]

These are the warmups, Aaron. All right, here we go. You're going to get it fast. Aaron. These eusocial insects will often go to war with each other to gain resources they lack.

[C]

You said eusocial.

[B]

E U S O C I A L. Eusocial.

[C]

Can you read the whole thing one more time?

[B]

These eusocial insects will often go to war with each other to gain resources they lack. They also can, like, carry, like, 60 times their body weight or something. Yep.

[C]

Defiance.

[B]

Yes. It's not defiant. It's something that they lack. If you lack something, you are deficient.

[A]

Efficient.

[B]

It's deficient. It's a deficient. Well, that's deficient. We will be back in a second with more of Ted's the real ones. These are just the warmups, huh?

[C]

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

[B]

Guys, we're taking a moment to celebrate women and all that they carry at work and relationships and families and in the many roles they hold every day. Let's all do it. Top 100 women. That's what this whole ad is. We're gonna go through the top 100 women.

[A]

Why don't you sit up a little straighter? I'm smiling. I'm looking to my left and right.

[C]

Number one, Aaron.

[A]

He's gonna say Brockovich.

[C]

Aaron Eckhart, his wife.

[B]

Dear Eckhart's wife. Oh, guys. March includes International Women's Day, which means that we're celebrating women and the women in our life all month long. And we want to remind women how much they matter and that therapy offers a space for them to take care of themselves in a way that they deserve.

[A]

I've been a woman for a minute, and we often overextend ourselves for the people in our lives. And it's so nice to pour back into our cups a little bit. I love BetterHelp. That kind of therapy works great for me because you can reach out to your counselor anytime and you can switch counselors no problem. It's. It's. It's so soft on your brain. It's really good.

[C]

Aaron, let me just refill your cup here. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews.

[B]

Plus, BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You just do a short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 years experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. Plus, if you're not happy with your match, you just switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

[A]

Better Help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US Adult, you just filled my cup up with some chardonnay. Nom nom, nom, nom, nom nom nom.

[C]

Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] Riddle that's betterhelp.com Riddle and the number one woman. And the number one woman.

[B]

Oh my God.

[C]

Of all time.

[B]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[A]

Oh my God. Oh my gosh.

[C]

Aaron Kief.

[A]

Oh that's fair. She's. She solved a lot of diseases. Cured. Solved. What am I talking about?

[B]

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

[C]

Okay, so I'm about to become a parent and I'm thinking I need a

[B]

website like daddle.comdaddle addydaddy.com addydaddy.

[A]

You've been parenting me this whole time. You're only just now considering yourself becoming a parent.

[C]

Ah, but I fooled you Aaron, for you have been parenting me.

[B]

Adel, have you considered Squarespace? It's the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place.

[A]

And Daddle Adle. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials and premium workshops like how to to be a dad.

[C]

Ooh, I like that. Maybe Addy daddy addy daddy daddle.com dad

[B]

plus with Squarespace donations you can fundraise directly on your website and grow your impact with built in donation tools. Create a professional on brand website that makes it easy to accept one time or recurring contributions and engage supporters. With built in email campaigns and marketing tools, you can connect with your community and inspire more people to support your cause. Now I know you said that you didn't want your kid to go to college, but you could start a fundraiser for like beauty school or something like that.

[C]

Oh yeah. So take it from Addy daddy head to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code RIDDLE to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[A]

Adel Daddle Addie Daddy Daddle addledat Help Rattle quest. Oh jpc it's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy busy busy. And it is hard to figure out like when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.

[B]

Aaron, my friend, you look it. But have I told you about Tempo? Tempo delivers fresh, chef crafted dietitian proofed meals right to your door. Plus each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food real fast without the sad desk lunch or drive thru regret. Adel, I know you love Tempo.

[C]

Oh yes, I don't often. I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the five spice glazed chicken thighs, the chili shrimp rice bowl and one of my favorites, the picante carnitas pork rice bowl. Nom nom nom, yum yum nom.

[A]

And no matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 balanced meals. It's convenient but also flexible enough to fit the way you want to eat. I look it. I look tired.

[B]

Look Aaron, for a limited time and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo Meals.com Riddle that's Tempomeals.com Riddle R I D D L E for 60% off your first box. Templemeals.com Riddle Rules and restrictions may apply.

[A]

I look it. I look it. I look it.

[C]

You're standing in front of a mirror.

[A]

I look it.

[C]

They do exist.

[B]

Adult Aaron I am so fed up with car shopping I must be doing something wrong because I'll go to the grocery store, I'll buy, you know, some bananas, some apples, a little bit of spinach and I'll get to the checkout and I'll say also I'd like to buy a car. And they say, well no, not here. And I go, not here. Then where?

[C]

Jpc, you big Tell me what I

[B]

did because what I think I did is right. So what did I do?

[C]

You don't go to a store to buy a car.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

You use Carguru's app, the new dealership mode. And it's like having a personal cheat sheet in your pocket. Right there on the lot with you. You can instantly compare the car in front of you to similar options, see deal ratings and price history, and estimate your final price. That's right, jpc. It's everything you need at your fingertips so you can feel confident you're getting the best deal. And some store workers not going to make fun of you for asking for it at checkout.

[A]

With more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car at the right deal. And you don't even have to buy a banana.

[B]

Well, I want to buy the banana. Oh, please tell me Cargurus will sell me a banana. You know what?

[A]

No.

[B]

I think what I'll do from now on is I'll get my fruit at the fruit store and I'll get my cars by using Cargurus. You can even use Cargurus Discover, a new search feature where you can look for vehicles based on the way you think, using your own words. No more being boxed in by filters. Whether you want great gas mileage for a road trip or extra trunk space for all of those bananas, simply type it in and Cargurus Discover will give you real shoppable listings that match. It's the smarter way to find the car that fits your life and the insane amount of bananas that you buy at the store. Because bananas are going up, up, up, baby. And they never go bad.

[C]

And I use the Cargurus app to buy us yanks off sheet a riddle mobile.

[A]

Ooh la lu lah lu lulu.

[C]

It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data.

[B]

Buy or sell your next car today with [e-mail]. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's Cargurus. C A R G u r u s.com cargurus.com okay, so it looks like

[C]

the riddle mobile doesn't take gas. We have to answer riddles to make it good.

[A]

Let's just leave it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's mostly for show. All right, we're back, and we're going to launch right in. Here we go. The largest living land animal is worried that it doesn't matter.

[C]

Elephant.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Elephantitis. Elephant.

[B]

Worried that it doesn't matter.

[C]

Spiraling elephant. Intrusive thought of it.

[A]

That's the word I'm looking for.

[B]

Oh, the intrusion.

[A]

Arella. Elephant.

[C]

Elephant.

[A]

Irrelevant.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Irrelephant. Aaron, you I Adel, what do we think? Can we give that one to Aaron?

[A]

No, don't. Please don't.

[B]

She needs it.

[A]

Oh God, no. No.

[B]

Aaron, don't be a spiraling negative thoughts elephant here.

[A]

I'm irrelevant.

[B]

No, you're not a relephant, Aaron.

[A]

I'm a relephant.

[B]

You matter to someone.

[A]

Redundant. But with an animal.

[C]

Redundant.

[B]

Redundant. This marsupial has all the right credentials to be called a bear.

[C]

Kangaroo bear. Kanga. Koala.

[B]

Kangaroo bear. Yes.

[C]

Koala. Me by your name. Koala.

[B]

Koala.

[A]

Koala.

[B]

Me by your name.

[C]

Koala. I mean, is it just koala bear?

[B]

No. So it's a koala.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

They have all the right credentials to be called a bear. All the right credentials. You would also said that they are.

[A]

They're koalified.

[C]

Koalikified.

[A]

Koalify. Koalification.

[B]

You got it. It's koala.

[A]

I'd like to see a seed. You are a koala bear. And obviously it's hard to get a job right now, like a lot of places are, but you finally have a. An in person interview and you're really trying to sell yourself to the company that JPC is hiring for.

[C]

Thanks for seeing me. So I think I'd be a great fit for Claire's because I've got pierced ears, obviously from New Zealand, but I still feel like I could make a difference here.

[B]

That. Yeah, I mean, we, we're, you know, as long as you have a. As long as you have the ability to work in the United States, we don't, you know, we don't care where you're from. At Claire's. Got a visa to New then. Yeah, that would, that would, that would be acceptable for us. I do have to say this is an interview and this is, you know, this is not any indication of what the, you know, job will be. But you. At Claire's, we do require employees to wear pants. Not just. You can't just wear a necktie.

[C]

That's going to be a problem.

[B]

That's a. That's a problem.

[C]

Yeah, Fur is sort of my pants. Like these are my Levis.

[B]

Yeah, but they're not. It's fur, you know, cuz like your fur is like my skin. Right? Like, you know, I'm wearing pants. You have to wear pants. It's just a thing. At Claire's.

[C]

Can I take a shot in the dark? Am I the first koala you've talked to

[B]

in a. In a employment sense? You are the first. Not that I have to say because of Hippa, but You are the first koala that has a hungry hunger hippa. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought up hippos. I know how traumatic that could be for you. You're the first koala to apply. Yeah, but I have many koala friends.

[C]

Hi. Do me a favor. I have down for references. Erin Keefe. She lived in my neck of the woods for maybe like a year or something. She almost drowned.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I'm not familiar.

[C]

Give her a call.

[B]

Yeah, I was planning. I guess I can call her right now. Let's see if she picks up.

[A]

Hi, this is Aaron Keefe. How can I help you?

[B]

This must be a different Aaron Keefe. I've known erin Keefe for 10 years that she's never picked up a phone call.

[A]

GPC, is that you say? I was gonna make a joke. Try again. Go back in.

[B]

Go back in. Let me try again. Hello? Aaron Keefe?

[A]

Hi. Yeah, this is Aaron.

[B]

Hi, Aaron. My name is John Patrick Cohen. I am in the middle of an interview with a koala. I didn't catch your name.

[C]

Tidbinbilla.

[B]

I hope you heard that, because I.

[A]

Are you with Tidman?

[B]

Yeah, I'm with Tinbidmilla. Yes, I believe so.

[C]

Tidbidmilla.

[A]

Okay. Do not hire him. He gave me chlamydia. He's a monster. And also, he broke my heart.

[B]

Well, obviously, we cannot have a koala with chlamydia working at Claire's because it's, you know, very. We're doing a lot of piercings. It's a lot of blood, so they can pierce.

[A]

Oh, yeah, he'll pierce your heart too. He can pierce ears, but also he'll pierce your heart.

[B]

Well, I don't think so. I'm a happily married man with many koala friends. I don't think so.

[A]

Yeah, right. Cut to him breaking your heart.

[B]

Oh, fuck.

[C]

I don't think this is working out.

[B]

Why do we have to see that?

[C]

See?

[B]

See? I don't want to see that.

[A]

It's improv rules. We can go wherever.

[C]

I simply cannot do a regular Australian accent. It always turns into New Zealand.

[B]

I think New Zealand's more fun.

[A]

I also think you're way better at those accents than I am. Adel and I lived there.

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

I literally can. I've been trying for a decade.

[B]

By far the best. The best at accents on this podcast. It's not a high bar to clear, but you're. You're here. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do Australian. Aaron Go Australian right now.

[A]

Laser disc. Oh, no.

[B]

Okay, Eliza Blythe. I went to the bakery to get a. To get a banana.

[A]

Ah, far out, mate.

[B]

All right, we're bad.

[A]

I know. I told you I was good at.

[B]

I believe it.

[A]

Adol's good at accents.

[B]

That is my donk with doing accents. I'll feel like 100% confident, and then I'll hit a word that I like, bounce off the accent so much that it'll throw. It'll tank the entire rest of the accent. I'll lose it by stumbling over library and being like, well, I just don't know how to say library. This exit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This tiny crustacean prefers to live without complexity or excess.

[C]

Hermit crab.

[B]

Hermit crab, I think, truly works, but it's not that.

[C]

Can you read it one more time?

[B]

This tiny crustacean. Think tiny. Prefers to live without complexity or excess.

[C]

Minimal lice, minimal license. Are lice crustaceans?

[B]

I don't know. I don't think so, but I don't know.

[C]

They gotta be cousins at least.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. Hairs like the water. The water of the body.

[C]

Tiny crustacean.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is like crawdad.

[B]

No, Tiny Think tinier. Sometimes like, way tinier than a crawfish.

[C]

Is it a mite?

[B]

No, it's not a mite. It's way bigger than that. It's like, split the difference from king crab. Split the difference between crawfish and might. It's smaller than a lobster, but you're thinking, right, like seafood. What's seafood that's smaller than a lobster?

[A]

Mussel.

[B]

No, oyster. You might find it in pasta. Sometimes they deep fry it.

[C]

Pasta spiders.

[B]

Sometimes they pop one as it.

[C]

Crab.

[A]

Crab. Not crab. What is. What is. What am I looking for?

[B]

I think you might know it because it's shrimp. Think, think. Shrimp. Yes, it's shrimp. So it's shrimp. This tiny crustacean prefers to live simply, without complexity or excess.

[A]

Shrimple.

[B]

It's Shrimply. Aaron is shrimply.

[A]

It's Shrimply. The very simple shrimp. Shrimply. The berry shrimp. Simple shrimp. Shrimply.

[B]

Aaron. I wish we had time. Aaron, I wish we had time.

[A]

We don't have time. Hold on, I'd like to see your seeds. JPC is shrimply. He's a very simple shrimp. And this is like a 1960s Steve's sitcom about shrimpley, the very simple shrimp. And we're just adol. You're just going to be like a shopkeeper, someone that he's interacting with during the day.

[C]

Shrimply is filmed in front of a live Studio audience.

[B]

Pardon me, do you have lampshades at this store?

[C]

Who's talking? Oh, down there. Oh, Shrimply. Shrimply.

[B]

The very simpler shrimp.

[C]

Shrimp, shrimp,

[B]

shrimp.

[A]

How was the whole. It was just asking if they have a lampshade, and then someone be like, shrimply.

[C]

Next time on Shrimply.

[B]

Hey, do you have lampshades or not? I have shrimp. Shrimp. Shrimp.

[A]

Dip.

[C]

Dip, Dip.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And later this season on Triply.

[C]

Oh, it's a sitcom on Vine.

[B]

It's Quibi. Quibi canceled shrimply after only 11 seasons.

[A]

None of those are real words.

[B]

Okay. This common corvid is incredibly intelligent and excellent at working together with its peers. Adult. You got it first.

[C]

Crow.

[B]

Crow.

[C]

My brain started singing Shrimply Irresistible.

[B]

Shrimply the best.

[A]

That's when, like, a hot girl shows up in Shrimply's world. They start playing Shrimply Irresistible. She takes off her motorcycle helmet, her hair.

[B]

She's a shrimp.

[A]

But then she has. But she has Anne Hathaway style hair.

[B]

Can you add a hairstyle?

[C]

The corvid. One more time?

[B]

Yeah. The common corvid is incredibly intelligent and excellent at working together with its peers.

[C]

Crow operative.

[B]

Crow operation. You got it. I do want to see a scene, guys.

[C]

I do want to see a scene. The two of you are crow doctors or, sorry, crow surgeons, and you are operating on a human.

[B]

Can I be honest with you?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I got no idea what the fuck is. I don't know. I don't know what all this stuff is. This doesn't. I really thought it would look like a crow in here.

[A]

Let's. Okay, let's just reassess here. Yeah, let's just pack out his eyes.

[B]

Peck out his eyes.

[C]

Am I supposed to be awake?

[A]

Ah,

[B]

yikes.

[C]

I can feel everything.

[B]

You could feel everything. Let me. Hold on. Give us. Give us one second. Let's talk to the crotaesthesiologist real quick. Hey, what's going on? Did you give. Did you.

[A]

Yeah. Did you. You're supposed to put him to sleep.

[B]

You're supposed to put him asleep.

[C]

Oh, sorry. Was I.

[B]

You're a crohnasthesiologist.

[C]

I don't know what that means.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[B]

We all agreed we saw three episodes of House through someone's window, and we were gonna be doctors.

[A]

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to wear the outfit. I kind of assumed that you guys would maybe read into it or Time

[C]

of death about now. You're still alive.

[B]

Please, Cuddy. You're such a slut.

[A]

Oh, yeah. See? See? This is what we need. Yeah, I think that he's I think he's dying of a really rare disease that. I'll figure out what it is.

[B]

Okay, now we're talking.

[A]

Now we're talking. I've seen the show with volume up.

[C]

We cut to a courtroom, your honor. My client was left on an operating table for two days, cut open with no food or water.

[A]

Wait, you know how to be a lawyer? We watched like two episodes of Ally McBeal in front of a window. And now I thought, no, no.

[B]

Order in the crowort. Order in the crowort.

[A]

Everybody in the courtroom sort of like looks up and to the right, trying to see if there's a way to make that work.

[C]

Well, we tried the experiment and it failed. We're not humans. Remember the dancing baby on Ally McBeal? And what an absolute cultural milestone that was.

[A]

I can't stop this, Pete.

[C]

If you go back and look at it, it's the dumbest looking thing in the world.

[B]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[C]

It's crazy.

[B]

The technology just was not there. It's like watching the Polar Express. The technology just was not there.

[C]

Never seen it.

[A]

Anthony and I are rewatching Once Upon a Time on the Gumshoes and Dragons. Patreon and I have gasped out loud at how bad the CGI is on that show.

[B]

Yeah. Because it costs money. And the thing about things that cost money is nobody wants to do them. I don't want to do something that costs money.

[A]

Here's my thing with that though is I think with so much CGI is people don't factor in the amount of time that they need.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I think that all of these artists are capable of doing it. But like with the cat butthole stuff, like, they don't. They're not giving any of these artists the time they need to make it look okay.

[B]

Yeah, but. Oh, go ahead.

[C]

I was gonna say it could also be that they're all procrastinating. They're like, I got it. And then like the night before, they're like, shit, shit, shit. Buttholes, buttholes, buttholes.

[A]

What does a butthole look like? I don't remember.

[B]

It's not a problem anymore, though, because like nowadays if you need to have a huge woman throw a boul through a glass bridge and get rescued by a fake dog, you can have AI do it in 15 seconds. And then we don't have a very specific reference. I don't think so. I think it's pretty. That's like a general. Like a general example of just anything that you might need to. The world sucks. But Back to some of these riddles. Oh, I love this next one. This animal will always play dead when threatened, despite having so many other options.

[C]

Possibilities.

[A]

Possibilities.

[B]

Ooh, Adol. You got possibilities so quickly.

[C]

Is that what it is?

[B]

It's possibilities, baby. It's possibilities.

[A]

This is the best one.

[B]

I love possibilities. And by the way, like, shrimply cooperation. Possibilities. All of these are geared to being sitcoms. These could all be quibbies.

[A]

Yeah, but you said you're getting mad at us every time we call scenes.

[B]

I know, because I do want to get. Because I can't have three episodes of the show be Ted's animal. Pudrader.

[C]

Everybody loves shrimply.

[B]

All right. This bird of prey is often unpleasant in social situations.

[C]

Vultured.

[B]

No, not uncultured. It's a bird of prey. Vultures are like scavengers, Right?

[C]

Buzzard.

[B]

Again, you're thinking scavengers. This is a bird of prey.

[A]

Eagle.

[C]

Falcon. Falcon.

[B]

Not eagle. It's not falcon. Wait, would you say something, Aaron?

[A]

Owl.

[B]

It's not owl. It's not an osprey. This is like, the next most common one.

[A]

I don't want to think anything jotten.

[B]

You would see maybe these at, like, a. Did we see one of these at medieval times? When we went to medieval times?

[C]

A hawk.

[B]

Yes, it is a hawk. So this bird of prey is often unpleasant in social situations. This is like Aaron at a party.

[C]

Hawk to a hawk to a hawk to a.

[A]

That is me at a party.

[C]

Sounds so hward.

[A]

What do you mean, that's me at a party? Is that what people are saying?

[B]

You say that, you say it. I only know what you say. I don't talk to people.

[A]

She thinks I'm awkward.

[C]

Aaron.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

Every party that you're at, you have little blinders on. And the minute we remove them because you beg us to interact with party guests, you dig your claws so deep into someone's forearm, they have to go to the hospital.

[A]

I'm wearing my earring gloves, and I grab people's hair.

[B]

Aaron, I thought Hawkward was hot and awkward. That's why I look hangry.

[A]

I'm actually hot and angry. I'm gonna go up to my hey, Riddle. Riddle room. I'll see you guys later. She's going to her nest.

[C]

Hawk's upstairs. She says hawk's up the stairs.

[A]

I'm gonna my door. I hope no one comes up here and tries to cheer me up and convince me to rejoin the episode.

[C]

Hey, jpc.

[B]

Yeah? You wanna just keep going or should

[C]

we go get Tybel?

[B]

Yeah. What's the slogan. I'm gonna make a run for the border. It's not that, but it's something like that. Aaron, please come back. We need your help to do these animal pun raids.

[A]

I'm not an essential. I'm not a load bearing part of the show. No one needs me, Aaron.

[B]

Nobody bears loads like you. Oh no, Casey. Oh no, Casey. You know what to do. Simply irresistible Hot dog.

[A]

Fine, I'll come back. But only cause Adol didn't ask.

[B]

It would be a tragedy if we could no longer eat chowder due to overfishing this animal.

[C]

Clam, clammity.

[B]

Clam. Lammity.

[C]

Clam lammity.

[B]

Clamity. Clamity.

[A]

Calamity.

[B]

The largest of the deer family would prefer its accomplishments remain unattributed.

[A]

Moose.

[B]

Oh, I love. Yes, accomplishments remain unattributed.

[A]

Anonymous.

[B]

Anonymous.

[C]

I do want to see a scene.

[A]

So funny.

[C]

The three of us are in. I don't want to see the scene.

[A]

Great, great, great. You know what? I didn't even pull out the paperwork. So we're fine. No harm, no foul.

[B]

No sale, Harry. He's walking. He's just walking.

[A]

No, no worries. That's okay. We didn't even pull out the paperwork. Don't worry, don't worry. Change your mind, you know where to find us.

[C]

I got into the starting blocks, started to stretch my legs. They raised the pistol and I said, I'm gonna go home. I want soup.

[A]

I want soup.

[B]

You did that like MIT genius challenge and you're like looking at like eight sticks and one piece of tape and you're like, I'm not a genius. I don't know why I signed up for this.

[A]

Some of the Olympics being in the starting blocks and doing that lift up thing and then going, I want soup.

[C]

You're saying bolts. Don't you want to. Nah.

[A]

Soup. Didn't you trade your whole life for this? I want something with like sort of orzo. Maybe like a lemony orzo. Something.

[C]

Maybe a long grain rice.

[A]

Yeah. Ooh, I want soup.

[B]

Bailing on anything that took strenuous training for. For soup is like crazy.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

That feels so good though.

[A]

I will bail on my own wedding if I crave soup.

[B]

Italian wedding soup. Soup. Kobe. This shelled reptile often has to twist and bend its body to protect itself from predators.

[C]

Shelled reptile.

[B]

Shelled reptile.

[A]

A turtle.

[B]

It's not a turtle, Aaron. They're so close. It's a tortoise.

[C]

Contort.

[A]

Contort. Tortoise Exist. Contorteurist.

[B]

Contortist. Contortis. Contortise.

[A]

This game sucks. It hurts to talk.

[B]

Oh, no. I love this game. I love this game. 1099, you did a great job. This venomous snake will happily fill your glass.

[C]

Cobriter. Cobrite. Cobriter.

[B]

Cobra. Sprite. Cobrite.

[C]

Viper. Viper.

[B]

Viper. Happy. Bar.

[A]

Keep.

[B]

It's not viper.

[C]

Somalia.

[A]

Viper.

[B]

Vipor.

[A]

That's a great name for a bar. If anyone's starting a bar.

[B]

Yeah. Vipor.

[C]

That's amazing.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

The Vipor room. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Can people start bars in la? There's no good easy bars to get to in la.

[B]

Can people start bars in la? Yes, Aaron. There's no law against. Might have to do with like alcohol permits. I know that those are like harder to get in some places.

[A]

Ugh. Well, can someone try?

[B]

Can someone just fucking try? Not us, Aaron.

[A]

Not us.

[B]

Disclaimer. Not us.

[C]

Barely drank your fermented tofu I made for you.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it's gross and it smells insane. Oh, thank you, Aaron. What?

[B]

That's brutal honesty that we can get behind.

[A]

What are you talking about? It's gross and it smells insane. That's honest.

[B]

You call. Hey, Aaron, you call it like you see? And we're moving on. When asked to star in a third Flipper movie, this cetacean dolphinished responded with an emphatic yes. Natalie got dolphin.

[C]

Dolphin.

[B]

Emphatic. Yes.

[A]

Finally.

[B]

Aaron, you're close. Not finally.

[A]

Dolphin. Dolphin at ly.

[B]

Aaron, you can do an Australian accent.

[A]

Dolphin at lelfenately.

[C]

You go dolphinitely. Maybe you gonna be the one that saves me.

[B]

Oh, my God. Okay, look, I just flipped the page and I saw that there is a whole other page of Animal Pun Raid. So that was Animal Pun Raid. And there's also an animal pun raid 2. Electric boogaloo. And oh my God, there's an Animal Pun Raid three. So we will. Here's my promise. We will come back to Animal Pun Raid at a later date.

[C]

Get coordinated. Get coordinated.

[B]

Okay, now you just guess who future. What? You're just burning ones that we know we can't do. If Gecko Jaguar

[C]

coordinated Dolph funeral.

[B]

All right. Hey, no more episode titles. We already got it. You hit cold with 10 murder. But that does mean that we do have a little bit of time left in the episode for. Hey, Casey, can you play another voicemail theme?

[A]

Hi. I want to make out with a rough wall.

[C]

I want to bottom a renegade goat.

[B]

I want to call a Mormon coffee place.

[A]

I'm the group slut.

[B]

Okay. Slay mamas.

[A]

Jackpots. Hot dogs. No.

[C]

We have to kill Casey.

[B]

What if a little bit happens to be clown?

[A]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold

[B]

on, hold on, hold on.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no, no. Are you gay?

[C]

Pump up the volume. Pump up the volume.

[A]

That was thrilling.

[B]

That was Jade Cypher's final of four thematic voicemails from the 2025 out of Context clip bracket. Jade says, I made the first one, questioned my sanity creating one for you. Then after all this, I said fuck it and made one with all three of y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

In my opinion, they slowly got better with each theme, but I can't tell anymore. Jade, I think you knocked it out of the park. And thank you for submitting.

[C]

That was fucking giraffantastic.

[A]

Perfect. Adol. This is you the rest of the day. You think you're getting out of this way of thinking? You're stuck.

[C]

My brain is a prison.

[B]

I thought it was tapeorific.

[A]

I thought it was. Now give me like seven or eight minutes.

[B]

If you want to submit one to the show, it's, you know. Voicemail theme to hrrpodcastmail.com 30 seconds or less. Casey, can you hit us with a voicemail while Erin thinks. Hi, Snookru, Longtime lover, first time listener. I work for a princess party company and I wondered if you guys could

[A]

pitch us some royalty free characters that

[B]

we could offer for children's party.

[C]

All right.

[B]

Love you so much, Mama maw. Goodbye.

[A]

Oh, mama moi.

[C]

Did they say a they work for Christmas party company?

[A]

I think it's children's party company.

[C]

Children's party. Okay.

[B]

Oh my God. I also heard Christmas. I truly thought. I thought.

[C]

That makes sense.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Children's party company.

[B]

Okay, what about this one? Alfred the alligator who don't eat kids.

[A]

Okay, that seems a little defensive.

[B]

You're right. As soon as I said it, I heard it. We don't need that one.

[A]

Alfred the alligator who definitely don't always does and don't eat kids.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And then it's a little bit confusing.

[C]

Clown Townie. This is a clown who's a townie.

[B]

Clowny townie is just a reference on Casey too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do we start calling him Clowny Townie?

[A]

Clown Townie it is. The royalty free guarantee. You get to use me. I'm public domain.

[B]

Public domain.

[A]

And you can have an Aaron Keefe character come and sort of warn kids about the dangers of being awkward and hot or historical figures. That's in the public domain. Calvin Coolidge.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yes, Aaron.

[C]

That's the first historical figure you think of.

[A]

James Buchanan. Mussolini geckos or whatever.

[B]

Mussolini. It's a moose who's an Italian fascist.

[C]

The trains are on time.

[A]

Dibs.

[B]

Anyway, all those are winners. Sorry.

[A]

No, I'm gonna give you a real one.

[B]

I'm gonna give you one.

[A]

Kendra the apathetic unicorn.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And she doesn't really care. And the kids think that's hilarious. She's like, yeah, I guess I'm at your party or whatever. Fun. I don't know what kids these days care about.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Tommy Balloons.

[A]

Tommy Balloons.

[C]

It's a man made out of balloons.

[A]

Not for free. You pay Adol for that idea. You pay him for that?

[B]

Yeah, we're gonna copyright. We're copyright Tommy and balloons.

[A]

Tommy Balloons is actually not for sale. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[B]

Good luck if you want to use Tommy Balloons for free. Asshole.

[A]

No one used Tommy Balloons. No one draw Tommy Balloons. No one create a costume for Tommy Balloons.

[B]

Tommy Balloons is not my culture. Is not your costume, but Tommy Balloons style. Okay, let's get the fuck out of here.

[A]

I have nothing to plug. Hot dogs.

[B]

Yeah, Adol. Anything for you?

[C]

No hot dogs.

[B]

Yeah, hot dogs should be too. Gump Shoes and Dragons. Hayward Patreon Magic Tavern.

[A]

Hot dogs.

[B]

Hot dogs. Hot dogs.

[A]

Hot dogs.

[B]

Created by Adol Refy starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Toney did the editing. Emory Paris in the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there. Aliens and zombies. If you like that, you are going to love this week's episode. It's an apocalypse draft. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com heyrudoridal by joining the clue crew for $5 a month. Or start your 7 day free trial or the review card for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast.