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A
This is a headgun podcast.
B
The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice ray. And the horses ain't Friday.
A
Adult gpc. You can stand under my umbrella with me if you're getting wet, you don't have to stay out in the rain. You can stand in here.
C
No, no, no, it's fine.
A
Don't be a martyr. You're shivering.
B
No, no, Aaron, it's. It's. It's okay. We'll just stand out of here in the rain. And even though we weren't really dressed
A
for the weather, I have a gigantic umbrella. It's really no trouble.
C
No, no, no, no. We don't want to be a bother.
B
We don't want to impose, you know.
C
Oh, Just got struck by lightning.
B
Oh.
A
Oh.
B
Got it. Hold the hands of you. That's smart.
C
Oh, geez.
A
Yeah, she got. Should we have done something else? I'm sorry. I feel like I forced you guys to come. No sky watching
C
aer. This is so. To sky watch during a storm is. So you're having fun, so.
B
Yeah, Aaron, I'm having such a good time, and I am so glad that you picked our monthly outing. We're certainly out, and it's certainly whatever month. This is great.
A
So you guys are having fun. Cause I just feel like in the past, every time I pick the monthly outing, someone gets hurt, someone complains.
B
Are you short for something? Cause I want to make sure when you say, are you having fun? I'm like, yeah, I'm having, like, you now, I think.
A
Yes. Fun. Short for fuck you now. Hmm.
B
I guess that I am having fun.
C
Aaron, I am realizing now that you said it that every time you pick the outing, one of us does kind of get hurt. I think I'm the fourth or fifth addoll we've gone through.
A
Yeah, but you're okay. We don't have to. No, that's fine. You're right.
B
No, no.
A
Let's just go to, like, a diner or record an episode or something. We'll do something else. Let's do a main feed. We'll do main feed. We're all here together. We don't have to watch the.
B
So we're just ditching diner, huh? That sounded like a fun sky for a storm.
A
I know that warm waffles sound like ugh right now after this storm.
C
So let's do a main feed by lightning.
B
I always order my waffle warm. Shut up. Leave it to the side of the heat lamp for three or four minutes and bring it right out. The bait.
A
Uh, waffle sounds so good right now.
C
A nice plate of waffles.
A
Oh, really nice.
B
I also love a heat lamp. Do you think you could get a heat lamp installed in your own kitchen?
C
Get a heat rock.
A
I want a heat lamp, and I want to. I want to, like, lay under it.
B
Yeah, like a lizard.
A
Yeah, but we can't get what we want. Nope. Don't go in the diner, guys. Go in the studio. Stop trying to get in the diner door. Go to the studio.
C
Aaron, this isn't sausage. This is a microphone. Quit pulling on us.
B
Lizards eat free. No, it's lizards eat fleas. Never mind.
C
I don't know.
A
That's true.
C
A giant sign on a diner. Who is the target demographic?
A
Lizards eat fleas. This is Hay Riddle. Riddle. That's Adel over there.
C
Hello.
B
Me next. Me next.
A
And that's JPC over there.
B
Say his name. And that's Erin Keefe. Erin Keefe. How are you?
A
I am here. It is a Wednesday when this episode comes out. It is April, and I'm thriving.
C
Explain.
B
I love that for you, Erin.
A
Yes. Thriving, thriving. Not surviving. Turning over a new leaf. And the leaf is poison ivy. And now I have a rash, and I'm just as bad as I was before. How are you guys doing?
B
Aaron, I went to Target the other day, and I was with my kid, and we were using the bathroom, and my kid finished using the bathroom, and we're in a stall, and I started using the bathroom, and my kid, who just points out everything and says it, just kept saying, dada has a penis. Dada has a penis. Dada has a penis over and over again. And I was just like, yeah, I do. I do. And then I got out of the bathroom, and there was another guy in there, and he looked at me. He, like, made eye contact with me. And I said, it's true. And he looked away really quickly and didn't say anything to me. And I thought, that's kind of rude, isn't it?
A
I'm on the side. Wait, which one of you said it's true? And which one of you looked disgusted? Because I'm on the side. I looked disgusted.
C
And who said, daddy has a penis?
B
Wait, you know what? My kid wasn't with me, all right?
C
You're just someone who was.
A
I knew we'd get to the bottom of it.
C
Daddy has a penis.
B
Daddy has a penis.
C
That's his little penis,
A
you guys. That exact same thing happened to me in a Target Bathroom.
C
What is it about Target? Bathroom.
A
Trying to connect with you guys. Trying to have anything in common. Adol. How are you?
C
Oh, you know.
A
Okay. Perfect. Well, never asking that question again.
C
Gestures to world around me.
A
Yeah. Oh, I'm never making that mistake of asking how we are. That was a huge mistake. Well, then let's just do the premise of the show. Riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems intercut with silly improv scenes.
B
Oh, did you say intercut? Erin?
A
Oh, my God. Is your butthole not supposed to be freezing? I hate the laugh at the end of that one. That's the humiliating part that makes me feel kind of sick.
C
What do we think the coldest part on the human body is at any given time?
A
My butt. My butt is freezing.
C
Air in the.
A
No, my butt cheeks. Yes. Are your butt cheeks not, like, constantly so cold?
C
My feet are probably.
B
I'm usually wearing pants behind the ear. I think maybe my fingers. My fingers maybe get the coldest of anything. If I'm in a cold. Like, my fingers don't get cold, but if I'm in a cold space, since they're, like, the things that I'm not usually wearing clothes on, like walking around in winter in Chicago, it's. I. When the weather gets so nice that you don't have to wear gloves anymore, that's. That's. That's the ticket. The meal ticket right there. But some days I'm like, oh, 35. I can walk outside in 35 with no gloves. And I'm like, 20 minutes in. I'm like, I should have worn the fucking gloves.
A
Yeah. Why not?
B
Yeah, I should have done it.
C
I bet our eyes are probably room tempo.
B
Yeah.
A
Whatever room you're in, that's having a new thought. Never thought about that before. What do I want?
B
Well, I have a thermometer. An eye thermometer. Technically a meat thermometer. But what are eyes if not nature's meat?
C
They're meat eggs.
A
Yeah.
B
Yeah, they're meat eggs, eric.
A
Skip ahead 30 seconds, everybody. We'll try to be better.
B
Now you're telling them, too. So then, I mean, I can talk about meat eggs for 30 seconds.
C
I don't know if you.
B
You.
C
Yeah. You must have been in Chicago at the time. At some point. I can't remember when it was. There was a such a cold temperature outside that the news literally said if you go outside, keep blinking because your eyes might freeze.
A
Oh, yeah, I was there for that. Yeah, the frozen eyes thing. People's doorknobs were freezing shut.
B
I remember during that, my roommate at the time went to Wingstop, walked to Wingstop and came back with his Wingstop, and he was not wearing socks. And I was like, what? Did you go out without wearing socks? He was like, I had shoes on. And I was like, you're not long for this world.
A
Not great.
B
Your toes are fucked.
C
It was colder in Chicago than it was on Pluto or something.
B
That's fun. That's fun. It's fun to be cold.
C
It's fun to be cold.
A
This is the first time we've ever run out of things to talk about.
B
It got so cold this year in Chicago that for the first time ever, one of my pipes froze in my wall, which was an absolute bummer. It's something I do not recommend, but
A
how are you supposed to sing if your pipes are frozen? Ooh, gorgeous. Someone gotta fix.
B
They, like, recommend that when it's really cold and you have pipes that are at risk of freezing that you leave your tap running a little bit, because moving water, I guess, is harder to freeze than still water or whatever. Or whatever. And I did all of that, and still one of my pipes froze. But it was like a pipe connected to a toilet. And I was like, was I supposed to just be flushing it all night? What was I supposed to do here? I don't know. I don't know. But, yeah, I don't recommend it. That's. That's hard to fix. It's. It's hard. If it bursts. If it bursts, it's really bad. If it's. If it just freezes and then unfreezes, it's fine. But if you have to cut a hole in your wall to unfreeze the pipe, then you have to. Well, you could do what I do, which is now have a hole in my wall. But also, that part is not. Is it hard to fix? But it's like, you have to do that. You have to put the wall back eventually.
A
And when they unfreeze the pipe, are they just, like, putting a hairdryer on it? What's the move?
B
It's like, it's not a hairdryer. It's not like a blowtorch, but it's like that. You could probably. If my pipe. If your pipe is not, like, if it's exposed, like, if you can see the pipe, you can just use a hairdryer. And they say, like, put, like, a piece of tin foil or a baking sheet behind it so it doesn't mess with anything behind it as you're unfreezing it. Space heater, they say, work. But if your pipe is in a wall. You kind of have to cut the wall open and then, you know, use a heat gun on it.
C
Aaron, I might be a bit of a romantic, but I just give the frozen pipe my hoodie.
A
Oh, my God, that's so sweet.
C
Yeah, no big deal.
A
And then they wear it around like school so people can tell you two are going steady.
C
Oh, my God, is that Adol's hoodie?
B
Oh, my God. They must be hanging out if, you know, if I want to heat the pipe up. And I don't mean to be old school about it, but I just. Work the nipples. Work the neck.
A
I was going to say, I was like, oh, my God, Casey, is it too late to beep whatever he's about to say? And then I was like, maybe it won't be bad. And I should have jpc.
C
Can we get a clean take of you saying pipe Nipples?
A
Can we get a clean take of you not signing on at all today?
C
Nipples?
B
Why does this pipe cleaner have nipples? For the well. Hey, Aaron. Okay, we can stop talking about nipples anytime you want to start talking about riddles. So that's on you.
A
No, it's not.
B
Oh, is it not?
A
I'm not Old Man Puzzles and don't fuck with me.
B
You absolutely are.
A
I said at the. I asked the beginning of this if I. Are you serious? At the beginning of this? I said, I'm not Old Man Puzzles today, right?
C
When?
A
Because of the calendar at the beginning. And the GBC said no. And I said, thank God, because I was paranoid.
B
I don't remember having. Did you have this conversation in your
A
fucking mind with you? I said, I'm not Old Man Puzz.
B
No, I did not say that.
A
I said that. I said that.
C
I don't remember hearing this.
A
And then you said, no. And then I said, oh, good, because I was paranoid that I was.
C
Am I losing chunks of time?
A
I feel.
B
Casey. Was this conversation had on Mike? Was this conversation had on Mike?
A
I think it might have been.
C
Can we check the Zencastters?
A
I think it actually might have been.
B
He said, I played the fifth.
A
It means he's on my side and he's scared of jpc. Cause remember how we canceled and stopped midway through two other recordings recently? I originally, I have it marked on my calendar when to start sourcing riddles for episodes that I'm on. And so things got moved around and that's why I got paranoid. I went, I'm not Old Man Muzzles today. Right? And then you said, no.
B
Well, what I would recommend you do, Aaron, instead of Using whatever system that you're using. Use the system that is the system that everyone else uses. And then you'll never get confused because
A
I know, but I originally used the system that we used because I wasn't supposed to do today. We're keeping all of this.
C
Okay, let's get creative. Aaron, maybe we make fun of what you're wearing.
A
Okay.
C
Maybe that's. Maybe that's the episode.
A
Okay.
B
Jeans is there. Let's see.
C
What do you.
B
There's a logo on the shirt. Aaron, what do we have here?
A
It says denim.
C
Did the denim says salty?
B
It says salty. What can we do with that?
C
Salty. Okay, and we need about 45 minutes. Okay.
B
It's going to have 45ish minutes on Salty.
C
Salty crew neck and a pair of jeans. Okay.
B
Oh, Erin, is that. Did you wash the sponge? Do you need to wash the sponge? Is it salty? Because you need to wash it.
C
Erin's heading out. So what to do? What to do?
B
I wish I knew.
C
I'm thinking of a number between one and four. Give us three. What else? What else?
A
Keep going. Spin your wheels. Spin your wheels.
C
Why do I have to spin my wheels?
A
Well, the good news is, thank God, I have got plenty of riddles for us. No problem. Woo.
C
Crisis averted.
A
I am sitting at a table. Ten flies are on the table. With one swat, I kill three flies. How many flies are left on the table?
C
We should have gone to the diner. Aaron, I want to say no flies, because the minute you smack the table, the rest are going to head out.
B
Now, adult. Normally I would agree with you, but she didn't say living flies. These are dead flies. And I'm going to say seven. Unless you hit the table so hard that it jostles a couple of dead flies off the table. So to be safe, I'm saying five.
A
Yes. We have had a similar riddle to this before. Jpc. No. That is not a yes. I'm saying yes to adults. Correct answer.
B
What? What the fuck?
A
I would like to.
B
You can't say yes after my answer.
A
You guys are two flies, and there's a third fly there, and you're trying to. You're talking about whether or not that fly is dead or is being very, very still. Ow. Go touch it. I mean, go touch it. You go touch it. Go touch it. Is he sick? Holy shit. Maybe. I don't know, man. No, maybe he knows something that we don't know because all the humans are leaving him alone, you know? I don't know, man. He's on his back, his legs Are sort of curled in. We all love to be on our back with our legs curled. Maybe you just got so good. Maybe. Hey, you ever roll off another fly and just. You just like, can't even move, like there's nothing. You're not even thinking about anything else.
B
Oh, yeah.
A
Maybe that's what's going on here, you know? Maybe I feel like I'm going to. I'm going to go barf on them. I'm going to go barf on. Wait, we were supposed to eat together. I'm not gonna eat them. I'm just gonna use my barf. Okay, you're just barfing on it, but you're not gonna eat them. Troy, where have I heard this before? Dylan. Dylan. One time. Baby. Baby, I was just barfing on him because I thought he was dead. You're such a fucking asshole. Every time we barf, it's not just to eat. Sometimes we barf. Yeah, it's mostly to eat. It's mostly to eat. It's mostly to eat. If I light a cigarette and start smoking. It was a sex thing.
B
It's kind of a delayed cigarette for a sex thing.
A
Holy smokes. Hey. Hey, buddy, are you. Hey, buddy, buddy, you okay? You okay? No. This is a death rattle. Oh, I was just air escaping.
B
Air escaping through a cigarette.
A
Two rich men, now bankrupt, came across each other one day after exchanging ew. And catching up with what had happened in their lives. They compared how much money each had. The first one had $80, and the second one had only $42. However, two hours later, between both of them, they had more than $84 million in cash. None of them had inherited anything, won the lottery, or received payment for a debt or loan. How could this be?
C
They lived in America.
A
Adel and I love that kind of commentary anymore. You got any more in? The
C
rich people simply will never fail.
B
Okay, is this one of these things where these guys are in some sort of, like, hands on a hard body competition and they just won an $84 million Ford F150?
A
No.
B
Damn it. But that can still happen, right? Because I really need this truck at certain levels. It can really change things for me.
A
Get your hands off that truck and focus.
C
I love just being in a parking lot, having your hands on a car, being like, I'm here to win this. And someone's like, please, get off my car.
B
Hey, man.
C
Hey, man, you gotta leave.
B
No one's giving away a 2012 Toyota Celica in this parking lot, brother. You gotta go.
A
Also, I don't Know if I mentioned these are all from a book that Sammy gave me, so thank you so much, Sammy, for the kind note in the sweet book.
B
Sosa.
A
Sosa. Yep. Soso.
B
These riddles are.
C
Soso, Sammy. Soso.
B
Sammy. Soso.
C
Aaron. Are the dollars. You said dollars, right? One had $80, one had like 42 or something?
A
Yes.
C
Are the dollars some sort of, like, rare, 1842 dollar.
B
That's worth at all?
A
That's a really, really great guess. And I would even go as far as to say better than the actual answer, but that is not the answer.
B
Is the answer one of these things where it's like they pulled their money and they bought some collectible dolls and now they have like 84 million doll hairs or whatever?
A
No, but it's. It is. It's one of those tricky, sneaky kind of answers.
C
Tricky, sneaky.
B
Is it. Is it. Is it the $40 and the $80 that they have, or 42 and 80?
A
Yeah, but these numbers are. I think they don't matter. They don't matter.
B
Okay, but is that money that they have, that's like. We'll say, like American dollars, American currency.
A
Sure, but that, again, doesn't matter.
B
Okay, fuck it. That doesn't matter. Is the 84 million that they have American currency?
A
Yes.
B
Okay.
C
Whoa. Can you read the brittle one more time?
A
Yeah. This is the most helpful part, I think, however, two hours later, between both of them, they have more than $84 million in cash.
C
Okay, so they stood somewhere. They went to a museum.
B
The museum.
C
They looked at some Van Gogh and stood on either side of it. And that's what happened.
A
You're very close. One was standing at. Go ahead.
B
They were working for the joker in that scene in the movie where he has that big pyramid of cash and they were standing on opposite sides about to light it on fire.
A
You're very close. One was standing at the main door of a bank and his friend was standing at the back door. There was $84 million in the safe at the bank.
C
Wow.
A
Therefore, between both of them, they had that amount of money. I'd like to see a scene, I
B
call BS on there ever being $84 million. It's like a bank safe or maybe
A
with jewelry and stuff, other valuables.
B
Yeah, I guess so. Yeah.
C
Cash value, safety deposit boxes.
B
Sure, sure. Maybe it's fight night and Terry Benedict's casino. We don't know.
A
I would like to see a scene. You guys are two bank robbers, okay. And you both. Your plan guy got killed during the last bank robbery. So you Guys are really don't know what to do. You're both kind of just standing there aimlessly.
C
I wish the brains were still around.
B
Yeah, man, he was so smart. He was.
C
The brains was a top notch brain. I mean, he just from. From A to Z. He had it all planned out.
B
Everybody in the bank is looking at us. Should we say something or.
C
Oh, take off the mask. We mask after mask after we put. Pull out the guns.
B
Oh, my God.
C
Where's my gun?
B
Oh, where's my gun? Where's my mask? Okay, let's just start. Let's just start and maybe the muscle memory will kick. We're not here for your money. We're here. No, we. Hold on. We're here for the. Oh, I just got punched in the face. Oh, I'm so sorry. I was swinging. I was swinging wildly while I was talking. It's totally skewed.
A
Hey, welcome to the bank. Can I help you guys?
B
Yeah, we're here for our money, not the bank's money.
A
Oh, great. I just need you to fill out this form of how much you would like to withdraw. Just make sure you add your number and I'll take your ID Whenever you get a second.
B
I don't have a pen. Do you have a pen that I could pull?
A
Oh, yeah, of course we have a pen, but it is attached to this string, so.
B
Okay. How the hell do I. Come on.
C
Both of us.
B
Both of us. One, two, three.
A
Hey, please don't try to steal the pen. It really is stuck in there. Really? Well, just. We have free bank pens. Here you go.
B
Oh, thank you. Do you also have. Is a free bank gun a thing or like a gun on a little chain? Do you have one of those at the bank?
C
No.
B
No, of course. It'd be too easy.
C
Do we look like we have guns, though?
A
No.
C
Would you take us on our word? No. Okay.
B
No.
C
Okay, let's look around the room. Let's use whatever, like a Macai. Memo. MacGyver.
B
MacGyver.
C
Okay, so let's see. I'm seeing there's a lot of people.
B
Okay. Yeah, you could make like a people sandwich.
A
We're trying to just keep the line moving. Is there anything else I can help you gentlemen with today?
C
Oh, are you doing anything tonight?
B
No.
C
Josh.
B
You go shoot your shot. Josh.
C
Josh Danielson.
B
You go shoot your shot.
A
Josh Danielson. What a name. I'm gonna remember that.
B
Nah, Please don't. Please don't.
C
Are you as good with addresses as names?
A
Test me.
C
417 E. Second St. 417 E. Second
B
St. You know, we are gonna get out of here. Ew.
A
I get off work at 5, if you wanna.
B
How are you getaway? Driving. And by that I mean just driving us somewhere.
A
Um, yeah, I have a car. Should we all, like, grab a drink or something after work? I've never. No one really tries to connect with me here at the bank. This is a real treat.
B
Yeah, I guess we could grab a drink. Hey. Hey. I think that this person could be our new brain. They obviously have some sort of bar heist in mind.
C
Yeah, and she keeps pushing something underneath the desk.
A
All right, everyone down on the ground. We're robbing this bar.
B
Ah. See?
C
Ah.
A
All right, you guys, this next one is crazy. I've actually been looking forward to.
B
Do you think, Aaron, that I will have an advantage getting this riddle because it's crazy?
A
Yeah, I actually do.
B
Coming home, coming home.
A
Tell the world I'm coming home. And Adel, your brain is mostly normal. And this isn't a pun.
C
Thank you.
A
So you might be at a little bit of a disadvantage.
B
All right, Adel, we'll try. We'll try our best. That's all we can ask for.
A
I'm going to read to you a phone conversation.
B
This better not be one of mine. You get the bleeps ready?
A
May I speak to. May I speak to the director? Who's calling? John Romaninch. I beg your pardon. Could you spell your last name? R as in Rome. O as in Oslo. M as in Madrid. I as in Innsbruck. As in what? Innsbruck. Thanks. Please go ahead. N as in Nome. This does not make sense. Why now?
C
Jpc, of course. Aaron sometimes instead of reading riddles, reads her little plays. She's writing.
B
This does.
A
And then I get honest feedback.
C
Aaron, it's definitely writing.
B
Okay, so Gnome. Wait, gnome. Is it all cities? Cause isn't gnome a city in Alaska? But is it gn?
C
No, I assumed it was G, but I don't know.
B
I think gnome the creature is G. N. But Gnome the city in Alaska is not that.
A
Yeah, it's not about the spelling of gnome.
B
It's not about the spelling of gnome. Is it Eren?
C
At the end you said this conversation is wrong. Why? Or would you say.
A
Yeah, this does not make sense. Why?
B
Yeah, that's the problem is because. No, if people. If you're on the phone with someone and you have to spell your name, are you doing. Are you using, like, phonetic Alphabet? If you're like, saying your name, are you saying, like, you know, K as in kilo?
A
No, no, no. It makes no sense. To me. So you guys are gonna have to help me understand this.
B
People misspell my last name all the time. So I. I don't even say my last name anymore. I just spell it because it's only four letters. So I always go C, O. And then I say A as in Apple, N as in Nancy. And that's the way that no one gets confused, because they're not hearing my name ever. They're just seeing it spelled. But I would never go with, like, cities like this. Right. Cause that's what this person's doing. They're doing cities.
A
Yeah. That is stupid. But not the point of the riddle.
B
That's not the point of the riddle.
A
I have to do Keith. K, E, I, F as in frank. Because F sounds like S on the sound on the phone.
C
I do this. I say ri. F, as in frank. AI.
A
Yep.
B
Can you read the AI as in we're all fucked?
C
As in we're all fucked.
A
Can you read a woman to the director? Who's calling? John Rom. John Romansch. I beg your pardon? Could you spell your last name? R as in Rome. O as in Oslo. M as in Madrid. I as in Innsbruck. I as in what? Innsbruck. Thanks. Please go ahead. N as in gnome. I truly don't understand this one.
C
And you see the answer?
A
Yep.
C
And it doesn't make sense.
B
So they're saying, go ahead. Are they saying, go ahead and speak to the director, or they're saying, go ahead and spell the rest of your name? Is that part of it?
A
I'm going to read you the answer, and then we can try to suss out then the riddle really begins.
C
I was going to say this will be the first time that we read the answer, and then we have to solve it.
A
The phone operator was trying to get the spelling of the man's last name. Therefore, it makes no sense to ask I as in what? The operator had already understood it was an I.
C
Well, here's the thing. I picked up on that. But I also just assumed she didn't hear the word and was confused. Like, I picked up on the fact that she said I back to him, which means she heard what it was, clocked it. But then I just assumed she was curious what he was saying.
A
I have the same issue.
B
If I'm on the phone with someone and they're using, like, cities like this to spell their name, I'm also gonna be like, what? What's that? Cause you would never say Innsbruck because it sounds like an N, Right? Like I is an in. You know, like it's this person's insane.
A
I'd like to see a scene.
B
And I can say that
A
Adol. You are working a customer service job, and you are trying to get JPC to clearly give you his last name, and he's making it way harder than it needs to be.
C
Thank you for calling Nabisco headquarters. We try and make every smile a cookie smile. Please go ahead and let me know your name.
B
Hey, I'm calling back again. Is this. Am I talking to Jake? I've. I've called back all the time. Is this Jake or.
C
I'm. I work at a call center. There's 40 to 50 Jakes. I am a Jake.
B
Okay? I usually get a Jake, so that's why I'm. I just have another cookie complaint that I would like to lodge, and you have to take the complaint.
C
Well, yes, I know my job.
B
Okay, great. I just been back and forth with some people before, so I always start off the call by saying, you have
C
to take the complaint because legally, I'm a different person. So you can't. Hey, if someone shoves you on the subway, you can't then go yell.
B
Excuse me. Are you threatening me?
C
No.
B
Okay, good, because I'm the wrong person to threaten.
C
I'm sure you are.
B
Yeah.
C
Phone tough. This guy's. Hey, Jake. This guy's real phone tough.
A
Oh, that's crazy.
C
I know. I. I hate my job and I hate my life, so.
B
It's too salty. This one. And one of them is a little too crunchy. So I need that noted in my file, and you could look me up, because I'm in. I have a file, so I need
C
you to say your name. You haven't said your name.
B
Oh, I'm sorry. Jake. You never said your name. I just had to guess.
C
It's Jake. I said I'm a Jake before I could say my name. You.
B
My name is German.
C
Okay? German. What?
B
No, not German. What? My first name is not German. I'm saying has German origins. My name is German in origin.
C
Hans.
B
So if you. You. Because every time I call in, they do the same thing. So look it up by that first in your system. Because your system does by origin, I believe so. Look at that. By German first. Before I even start getting into my name.
C
Our system doesn't list names by.
B
Okay, fine, fine. Are you familiar with the cavatappi pasta?
C
I think so.
B
Longer noodles.
C
It's like a fusilli.
B
No. Okay, well, that's not gonna be helpful, so we're gonna have to go a different direction with this because we're obviously not familiar with the cavatappi pasta because
A
you said facility, which is ask him if it's cavatappy.
C
Hey, is it cavatappy?
B
You know what? We're getting off on the wrong foot. Jake again. Okay, you know the word pterodactyl? Are you familiar with the word pterodactyl? You probably say pterodactyl.
C
I'm familiar with the word pterodactyl.
B
Well, you're familiar with it wrong, because it's pterodactyl. So my name also has a lot of silent P's in it because it is Jake. Say it with me. German in origin. Jake. You might must keep up. You must keep up if you were to ever know my name.
A
I'm gonna go to lunch. Do you want to come with me or are you still on this phone call?
C
I'm still on the call.
B
Is that Jake? Is that other Jake? Is he going to lunch? Probably Subway. 6 inch Turkey on whole wheat. Just a guess.
C
I mean, that's pretty common sandwich.
A
How do you know my order?
B
It's the most common sandwich. That's why I guessed it.
C
Listen, buddy, I know you probably don't have much going on in your life, and so you call us up.
B
B, Z, T, Y, B, G, weezy, bb. We written that down. What's that? Yeah, that's the lyrics to your hold music. That's actually the key of your hold music. And I don't want to be put on hold again. So even if someone's going to lunch, you have to legally stay on the phone with me so you can take my cookie complaint down.
C
Okay, sir, I've just used a silent
B
alarm like in a bank. Yeah, I know.
C
People will be showing up to your home shortly to swap out the cookies for cookies that you might be pleased with.
B
Okay, well, they better wear gloves, and they better not wear any and have any macadamia nuts on them because I'm deathly allergic to macadamia nuts, which is nuts from a tree.
C
So you're allergic to tree nuts? That's.
B
No, I didn't say that. I could have pesto. I'm eating pesto right now with Cavatappi.
A
Is he choking?
C
I think this is a test. I think.
A
You know how sometimes Undercover Boss.
B
I'm spelling my name. That's how it's spelled in German.
A
Scene, scene. A passenger. Oh, hello, Tipsy. Is that you? Are you talking about Cavatappy? Is it Cavatappy?
B
Catavapi. Cavatappi.
A
Wonderful. A passenger traveling by bus between Springfield and Capital City noticed.
B
Jack Reacher.
A
Fuck. Never mind.
B
He loves traveling by bus.
A
A passenger traveling by bus between Springfield and Capital City noticed that due to the heavy traffic, it took him 80 minutes to reach his destination at an average speed of 40 miles per hour.
B
Ugh.
A
Get ready. On his return trip he took the bus and it took him one hour and 20 minutes at the same average speed and with less traffic. Do you know why he walked?
B
Is it like a one way highway? Like did he take the. Did he take a different route?
A
Basically these are all good questions, but
B
no, I would love.
C
No,
B
he still took the same. He still took the bus. And it was the same 40 mile per hour speed. Yes, you said both of those things.
A
Same speed, 40 miles per hour.
B
Did he overshoot it and had a double back or something like that?
A
No.
C
Was there more people on the bus
A
and it stopped heavier.
C
The rate of speed was slow 40. You know how there's a fast 40 miles per hour and a slow 40 miles per hour?
A
I know exactly what you mean.
B
CSB, do you know how fast you were driving? It was a slow 40 off. I swear to God it was a slow 40. Okay, what are the reasons? Because the 40 mile an hour doesn't change. That is consistent. So does the distance change?
A
No.
B
So the distance between A and B is the same as B and A. Mm. In the first trip.
A
And now it's interesting, this interesting voice.
B
First trip took 40 minutes and the second trip took an hour and 40 minutes.
A
First trip took 80 minutes and the second trip took 1 hour and 20 minutes.
C
Wait a minute.
B
Oh wait, that's the same thing.
A
Yeah, it is.
C
Here's the trouble.
A
Now, what did we learn today?
C
Here's the trouble with this. Would you. Anytime you say a riddle that involves.
B
I'm not writing that shit down.
C
Oh, numbers. My brain immediately goes, nope.
B
Yep.
A
And so I'm like expecting you to do that.
C
Yeah.
B
The other thing that I thought, the other thing that I thought it could be adult. And I was like. But I couldn't figure out what this would be. Is like a time zone thing where like. Oh yeah, it's like somewhere in Arizona where like the time zones are weird or some shit like that.
C
There's a place in, I think Michigan City, Indiana where it's like, oh yeah, you cross the street and you're an hour ahead.
B
Yeah, you're eastern.
A
Should we take a break?
B
Yeah, let's take a break. Let's cross the street and Michigan City and go to one of the Fine Wee stores. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Oh, hey, Aaron. Oh, my God. It's so cool running into you. I haven't seen you in so long.
A
You're in my house.
B
I have great news. I don't know if you've heard. What's up? Adol finally got the surgery?
A
No. He did?
B
Yeah. The one that turns you physically into a boat.
A
And physically into a boat.
B
Yeah. So he's. Yeah, so he's a boat now.
A
That was expensive, that surgery.
B
Yes. I think he got a grant from some guy.
A
A guy named Grant helped him and turned him into a boat.
B
A boat enthusiast named Grant really paid a lot of money for that, which is great for him, but, you know, kind of bad news for us because ADL's kind of our rock. We kind of, like, tell, you know, ADOL everything. We kind of depend on him for so much emotional support. I don't really know what we're gonna do now.
A
I know. It's probably a good time for us to finally get therapists. We should look into BetterHelp.
B
Oh, yes, that's right. Because BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US. Plus, BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You know, talking to your therapist about what it means that your friend wanted to be a boat and then could physically become one. You just take a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences, and then their 12 years of experience in industry leading matching fulfillment rate typically means they get it right the first time. That's cool.
A
Yeah. And if you're not happy with your match, they can switch you to a different therapist at any time.
B
Yeah. Adol was also saying that he could become a schooner at any time.
A
Oh, I thought he said swooner.
B
A swooner.
A
I wasn't even listening.
B
That is a type of boat.
A
Yeah, I think. You know, you're right. Yours makes more sense. You're saying something correct.
B
Good.
A
With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. I'm excited to talk to my therapist about whether or not ADL's gonna like grant more than me. I don't know how to turn someone into a boat.
B
When life feels overwhelming and you do not have the means to turn yourself into a Boat which takes I think millions of dollars. Therapy can help. So sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Riddle that's BetterHelp 8th
A
GPC. I'm just remembering back to a couple minutes ago when you said I have an idea for this.
B
All right.
A
Jpc. It's that time of the year where all of my goals have kind of gone out the window because I am busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And it is hard to figure out like when to cook and when to go grocery shopping and meal planning. I'm exhausted.
B
Aaron, my friend, you look it up. But have I told you about Tempo? Tempo delivers fresh, chef crafted dietitian proof meals right to your door. Plus each meal is perfectly portioned for lunch or dinner and ready in just two minutes. That means real food real fast without the sad desk lunch or drive through regret. Adel, I know you love Tempo.
C
Oh yes. I don't often. I love the word scrumptious. I don't get to use it often. These options are scrumptious and healthy. I've been enjoying the five spices glazed chicken thighs, the chili shrimp rice bowl, and one of my favorites, the picante carnitas pork rice bowl. Nom nom, nom, nom nom nom.
A
And no matter what your goals, there's a Tempo meal for you. Protein packed meals with up to 30 grams of protein, calorie conscious and even GLP1 balanced meals. It's convenient but also flexible enough to fit the way you want to eat. I look it. I look tired.
B
Look Aaron, for a limited time and that might be all you have, Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Just go to Tempo, Tempo meals.com Riddle that's Tempomeals.com Riddle R I D D L E for 60% off your first box Tempomeals.com Riddle Rules and restrictions may apply.
A
I look it. I look it.
C
You're standing in front of a mirror.
A
I look it.
B
They do exist. Hey Adel. Aaron, I am freaking out. Okay, So I just got an email from. Do you guys know Casey, the editor of the show or whatever?
A
Oh yeah.
C
Sleepo.
B
Yeah, sleep. Oh my God.
C
Thanks.
B
So you know, I got an email from him that says he hasn't been paid in seven years and yeah, I'm kind of wondering and I know that I'm in charge of all that but like between like expenses and like income and what's going on with the business, it just like, it's just too much for me, you know?
C
Let's make it Easy. Let's just use foundation. Found eliminates the clutter by giving you one platform that handles it all. Paying Sleepo, dealing with Found Dracula, who's sort of a Dracula that uses found banking, bookkeeping, etc. No more paying for multiple subscriptions and dealing with clunky, outdated apps.
A
Found identified the tasks that create the most hassle for small businesses. Things like categorizing expenses, preparing for taxes, managing invoices, budgeting, waking up Sleepo. And they built an app that does it all directly from your business checking account.
B
Found is reimagining what business banking should be by putting your bookkeeping, invoicing and tax tools directly into your business checking account. Plus, they have this vampire named Found Dracula. And that guy, he knows what he's doing.
C
No, guys, we don't have to. We don't have to keep talking about him.
B
Found makes it easy to regain control of your business finances so you can get back to doing what you love. I personally, now that I'm using Found, my life is so much easier. I don't have to juggle multiple apps. I don't have to go chasing receipts. I don't dread tax season anymore. I have a Dracula that will suck the blood. I want to say out of an editor who is asking to be paid.
A
You want to say?
B
I want to say.
C
So take back control of your business today. Open a Found account for free@found.com. that's f o u n d dot com. Found is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services are provided by lead bank member fdic. Join the hundreds of thousand who've already streamlined their finances with Found. You're getting sleep.
B
O. Okay, guys, I'm getting an email from the brand. They say they never authorized Found Dracula.
C
Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm not official. I'm just a Dracula who uses Found.
B
I could swear that they wanted us to use.
A
You could have sworn that they were desperate for us to do this.
C
I'm from Bank Transfer. I'm from Bank Transylvania. I'm from Milwaukee.
B
Finally, I've crossed through fields and I have climbed through mountains. And here I am at the great temple to ask the master. Excuse me. Excuse me.
C
Yes.
B
Oh, how do I. What do I. How do I. When am I gonna buy a car? How do I buy a car?
C
Ah, you've come to the right place. For we are the car gurus.
B
Yeah, and I kind of came all this way, but then I heard that actually it's a website. And I could just go to the website.
A
Yeah. JPC with CarGurus Discover. You can skip the filter to describe what you're looking for in your own words. Simply type what you want and Cargurus Discover instantly surfaces real listings that match your exact needs. It's so easy. You don't have to go on this long journey while you're buying a new car.
B
Yeah, and honestly, I could have used, like, the car to go on the journey because I walked most of this way and it was like, yikes on roads. So it's like roads where, you know, I should have had car.
A
Scary.
C
It's no wonder Cargurus is the number one most visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data. Have you brought a offering?
B
Yeah, I mean, I have an offering and I'm also looking. That dealership mode on Cargurus app puts you in control. You can compare side by side, check pricing, and estimate your final cost so you can navigate the dealership with confidence. And with more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal. Honestly, I feel like walking all this way was kind of a waste. Mama.
C
No, mama. Not a waste. Mama. Buy or sell your next car today with cargurus@cargurus.com. go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S.com cargurus.com Mama and Casey, I
B
know I never do this, but I'm gonna need a clip of Adel saying no Mama. Carguru Mama.
A
Yeah, I would like one too, for personal use.
C
Mamas for all.
A
Here we are. Are back from break and we love these riddles.
C
La la la la la la la la la la la la. Riddles.
A
Apc, you haven't been coming to music rehearsal. What are you gonna sing?
B
You guys are still having those?
A
Yeah, of course. Tuesdays, Fridays, Sundays and Mondays.
B
Tuesdays, Fridays.
A
Sundays and Mondays.
C
Our week. Of course, our week of musical rehearsal goes Tuesday.
B
Well, because we record on Mondays. So this is our weekend, so our week. No, yeah, this is our Friday. Our week starts on Tuesday. Mondays are Friday. Tuesdays are Saturday. Aaron, anything to add?
A
I'm getting warmed up. We're going to do more riddles from this book from Sammy. Is that okay with everybody or does
B
it's okay with me?
A
You didn't love that last riddle?
C
Didn't love it?
A
Would you say it humiliated you?
C
Yeah, that's what Aaron, we told you that on break?
A
Yeah.
C
We said, don't ever do that again. I'm rude.
A
Don't do that to us. You emasculated us in front of all of our friends is how you put it.
B
You humiliated me. Riddle, Diane.
A
Here we go.
B
Yes.
A
A man traveling in a taxi is talking to the driver. After a while, the driver tells him, you must excuse me, but I am deaf and I cannot hear a word of what you are saying. The passenger stops talking after he gets out of the cab. The passenger realizes that the driver had lied to him. How?
C
He turned on the radio.
A
No. That's a great guess. I love that. Adel, you're doing some answers that are better than the ones.
C
Thank you.
B
Did the driver take a phone call?
A
No.
C
The driver responded to a car honking behind him?
A
No. These are all fantastic guesses.
B
Did the man tell the driver where he wanted to go? And the driver was like, got it. Or whatever?
C
Yes.
A
He ended up at his destination that he had given him at the beginning of the ride.
B
Here's the thing. I do this and I'm caught in the lie, right? I'm like, I told him I couldn't. I was deaf. So obviously I can't take him to the right place. So I have to just drive, like, to a random place and let him off and be like, sorry, man, I shouldn't be doing this job.
C
And, Aaron, you said it was the cab driver who said they were deaf.
A
Yes.
C
Did the cab driver, after they dropped off the passenger, did they slam their hand against the passenger side window and on the hand, it was written in pen, and it said, not Penny's death.
A
Well, now. Well, now I would like to see a scene. Jpc, you are a cab driver. That's sort of at the end of your rope. Adol, you are a very chatty, enthusiastic passenger.
C
Wow. Big city. Whoa. Big, big city.
B
Whoa.
A
Look at that. Whoa.
C
What is that, 20 stories? 21.
B
It's a tall building. Yeah.
C
Forever 21. Forever young. Songs are good. You ever hear songs? Oh, yeah. The Beatles.
B
Where am I? Where am I taking you?
C
Hey, with the Beatles, go to Downtown.
B
You're in Downtown. This is downtown Chicago.
C
Okay?
B
Yeah. You know where?
C
Have a drink. Let me just grab some Jack Daniels here.
B
Oh, okay. No, don't open that. Don't open that.
C
Or two fingers. I don't have glasses. The back of your cab is.
B
Okay, you know what? Just. Where are you going, buddy?
C
Oh, I know her. I know that lady. Hey, stop. Real quick.
B
Stop, stop, stop. That's a billboard. I'm not Driving Susie. That's a billboard.
C
What are you doing now? You got big, Susie. You got big.
B
That's Susan Strand.
C
I know.
B
Pop. Secret popcorn now. Yeah. You don't. You've seen a movie that she was in. I imagine you've seen a Susan Stranded movie.
C
We had. So I. Oh, Alien.
B
Where can I take you? That's not her.
C
I need to go. Well, I gotta get to heaven later. What's. Hey, what's your favorite food? Chicken or turkey?
B
Don't ask me. You'll give me a binary option. Okay.
C
Turkey or chicken?
B
I guess I'm more inclined to chicken. Would you like to go to a chicken restaurant? We have good chicken restaurants here in Chicago.
C
Are you calling me turkey? Okay, let's do this. Roll up my sleeve.
B
Did you have something.
C
I'm going to drive from the back.
B
Okay, you're just mashing your hands on the glass, buddy. We have the glass, so people can't do that. I'm going to let you out of this cab unless you tell me where you want to go right now because I got to pick up other fans.
C
I'm related to Amelia Earhart. We're both Earharts.
B
Okay, well, I. I mean, good. Good for you.
C
We miss her so much. If you have any information, please call 47288.
B
No, I'm not gonna call it. Don't worry about it. I don't have any information. I have no information about amelia.
C
That was 100, 800, 9, 3, 1, 1.
B
How's this number still going? Stop, stop. Just. Do you have an address for where you.
C
How are the numbers still going? 1, 2, 3.
B
Don't do this. Don't count so high.
C
7, 8. If Mr. Beast can do it, I could do it. Where was I?
B
Did Mr. Beast do this? Is this something Mr. Beast does?
C
He counted up to a million or something? Hey, Listen, speaking of Mr. Beast, the zoo is where I need to pick up my baby.
B
The zoo?
C
I left my baby in the giraffe.
B
There's the Brookfield Zoo, and then there's the Lincoln Park Zoo. Do you know which zoo you're going?
C
Oh, wait, pull over. I know her. I know that lady.
A
Hey, it's me, Susan Sarandon. Oh, my God, it's so good to see you. I love this guy. Oh, God, I love the Earharts. So sorry about Amelia.
C
I know. Thank you. It happened before I was born. But it feels like yesterday. Yeah, yesterday.
A
The Beatles. Hey, hey, we're the Beatles.
B
Don't get in. Don't get it in the car. Oh, my God.
A
Oh, Sarandon scooching her butt next to your butt.
C
This is your top, and these are your pants. And this is your top, and these are your pants, and this is your top.
A
I want to go get brunch with my old friend Goldie Hawn.
C
Oh, my gosh, Goldie. How is she? She's huge.
A
Now she's on a billboard.
B
Goldie, where am I taking you? I don't know where to take you.
A
Giraffe exhibit at the zoo.
B
That's fine. That's where we're going.
C
Are you going to the zoo?
A
Oh, I love this guy.
B
My God, I forgot I'm deaf.
C
Wow. Shit.
A
Why didn't you say so?
C
Hmm. Just pull over.
B
Try this more often.
C
He responded to a lot of my stuff.
B
I know her billboard.
A
That. That really got me. That's a billboard. I know her. That's a billboard.
B
I do. I do say I know her. If I do see a person that I know in a commercial, I'll be like, I know them.
A
That is so fun seeing someone we know in a commercial.
B
Yeah. Even more fun seeing someone that looks like someone that you know in a commercial because you're like, oh, good for. Well, good for them. Still good for them. But I don't know who they are, but good for them.
A
This one has a funny start to it. My friend told me the following story.
B
Adult. Did you think that Aaron was going to say, this one has a funny start to it, then go, wagga waka waka.
C
And then you should read a normal, wagga waka waka.
A
Dope, dope, dope. Deep, deep in hope. My friend told me the following story. This just sounds like whoever wrote this riddle is trying to prove they have friends, my friend. This is not an important part of it.
C
Very quickly, I do want to say, based on the commercial thing, I do think it's very funny when people. Because I've been hanging out with people who've been in commercials where one of their commercials airs. So it's like Brooke Bright or someone. And they get a text that. It's someone being like, did I just see you in a Home Depot commercial? And it's like, just say, I saw the Home Depot commercial. Yeah, it's like, you know, that was them.
B
Have you guys ever done this? And it's. It's like when you see a person in a commercial and you're like, oh, great for them. And then some time goes by. We don't know how time works. And then you see that person in real life and you go, I just Saw you in a commercial and they're like, oh, yeah, that was like three years ago. I go, whoa, Whoops. I guess.
C
I guess we don't hang out a lot.
B
I loved it three years ago.
A
Good to see you, Aaron.
C
What's the place? You did a commercial for Hungry Howie's.
B
Hungry Howie's.
A
Hungry Howie's.
C
Can you do the commercial for us now?
A
I'm leaving with the baby and I'm going to your mother's. I think that actually was. I literally think that that was a thing in it. People were kind of outraged by my commercial. Leave it to me to only be in, like, three commercials and have one be controversial.
B
Well, Erin, didn't they say that it's Hungry Howie's, not Horny Howie's. And so they didn't really appreciate the way that you were doing the commercial.
A
I was telling the truth. That is what actors are hired to do.
C
Wasn't your character technically legally baby napping?
A
You guys, we're splitting hairs here. Everyone's obsessed with all the wrong things I got. I gotta eat some pizza. Let's just relax about it.
B
It was weird how that in the commercial, they were like, I'm taking the baby across state lines, or, you know, I have a passport because I'm a dual citizen, so you'll never see the baby again. It was like a weird angle that it took.
C
I do want to see a scene. This is going to be. The two of you are presenting. This is like as if I had pressed play on a computer. This is a commercial that was cut from the super bowl because it was deemed way too controversial with test audiences.
B
Commercial for pizza out the Big Game.
A
Oh, yeah.
C
I am so sorry, Casey. Bleep out Super Bowl.
A
The Big Game.
B
Ah, Jesus.
C
Shit. BLEEP out that also. Super Bowl.
B
Who's the president of football? We have to apologize to him personally.
C
Roger Goodells.
B
He bleeped out in case we can't say his name.
C
The Big Game. This is cut from the Big game.
B
Cut from the Big Game.
A
Hi. This is my naked body that I've covered in swear word tattoos. They're permanent and I can't get rid of them. That was a bad choice. A good choice would be buying affordable pizza for the whole family just in time for the big game. I'm Erin Keefe and you should buy Papa John's pizza. Papa John's. Get naked and tattoo your body with the word cunt over and over.
B
And what better way to enjoy a Papa John's pizza than washing it down with an Ice cold glass of peanut beer. Fuck. Oh, I said penis. This is live. Oh, I said penis. Coors Light. Coors.
C
You also said, fuck.
A
This is not for Coors Light.
C
Now I'm saying it.
B
What?
A
This is for.
B
What do you mean? It's not for Coors Light?
A
Papa John's.
B
It's Coors. Like Papa John's crossover.
A
Let me distract you with the inside of my ass. This is the inside of my ass. Papa John's pizza. This is the inside of my ass.
B
There's a thing with beer commercials where I can't drink the penis, but I can pour the penis beer. Why am I saying penis so much? It's beer.
A
Medically, if you see anything wrong with me, I'd love if you emailed me at the email below because I don't have health insurance. Penis beer. Bud Light. For your butt seed. What?
C
I will never again. I will never again be able to eat Papa John's without going, this is the inside of my ass. Papa John's. Hey, also, after all that, still not the worst thing Papa John's has ever said.
B
No, not at all.
A
And isn't that interesting?
C
Isn't that interesting?
B
Have we done the waka waka waka riddle yet, Aaron, or are we still going through it?
A
No, no, no. It's still a riddle where someone's trying to prove they have a friend. My friend told me the following story. I was drinking a Coke in a bar when a man wearing a mustache came in and ordered a glass of water. As the waiter came back with his water, he pointed a gun at the customer. The customer got startled, then calmed down and thanked the waiter. How can you explain what happened?
C
This man had hiccups.
B
Hiccups?
A
He did. Now, I want you to think really long and hard about if bringing a gun out is the most effective way to scare someone.
B
What are you gonna do? Bring a car out? You can't carry a car in the small of your back.
C
How's a car scary?
B
The way I drive, brother. The way I drive, brother. The way I drive, brother. Brother.
A
A 30 year old man married a 25 year old woman.
B
Okay,
A
Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.
C
Nice.
B
Nice. Rick, you are a poon.
A
Rick, you are such a legend, man. 25 years old when you're 30. Unbelievable, brother.
B
Five years younger. Rick Ricked from the headlines when you were five.
C
She was zero.
A
She's gonna be impressed that you have a bed frame so you can be shitty in every other way, Rick. Love that for you.
C
Rick, you have a bed frame, right, brother? Rick, you Just have a togo couch or whatever.
B
You can afford it. You have a slightly better job than she has.
A
Rick, come on.
C
Rick. Come on, brother.
A
He's just shrugging and blushing.
C
Shrugging and blushing.
B
Okay, so what's this cradle Robin son of a bitch up to, Aaron.
A
Okay, here's the thing. Normally we record these main feed ones first, but this is coming at the end of the day, which is why it has a Patreon Energy to it. Patreon energy? Look inside my butt and let me know if anything's wrong.
B
So, Paisley, go ahead and click.
A
You know, I was gonna say, can we have non clip privileges for one episode?
B
No, we can't.
A
A 30 year old married a 25 year old woman. Rick. Rick. She died at the age of 50.
B
God damn it, Aaron. Why did you let us go through that whole fucking Rick thing?
C
Well, wait a minute. She died at the age of 50
A
and her husband was so devastated that he cried for years. Ten years after he stopped crying, he died. However, he lived to be 80. How many years was he a widower?
C
15. Lied about his age.
A
You don't want to think, do you?
B
So wait, hold on.
A
You don't want to think, do you?
B
He's 30 and she's 25.
C
She's 50, which makes. So that's.
B
He's 55.
C
25 years later.
A
Cried for years. 10 years after he stopped crying, he cried, he died. However, he lived to be 80, so
B
he's 55 when she dies. So he would have needed to be 10 years.
A
Crying, he died. However, he lived to be 80.
C
25, 55. 10 years. That's 65. So at 65, he started dyeing his hair.
B
Was he a widow for 25 years? Is that what you said? Adolf? 25, right?
A
Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was a widow for 25 years.
B
This is just math.
A
Yeah.
B
The goddamn goblin nuts on this guy.
A
I think they wanted you to be like, he lived to be 80.
B
Oh, okay.
A
That was what the trick was.
B
Well, you mathed me once. Won't get mathed again with that earlier riddle. So now I'm in a math zone, so I'm not falling for any more riddle traps. But I still didn't like having to do math in front of people. Math and accomplished big banner behind Adel says, math and accomplished big Ban on worship. Okay, okay.
A
John Peterson.
B
Speaking of absolute legend, rip to a legend. That's what I would say. 80.
C
Rip to a real one.
A
Speaking of math, John Peterson was born in Albany in 1938 on a date not divisible by 2, 3, or 5. And in a month that does not contain the letters E or I.
B
No.
A
When does he become one year older? This is easier than you think.
C
Next year.
A
No. Aaron.
B
On his birthday.
A
On his birthday.
C
I'd like to see a scene.
A
Wonderful.
C
This is. This is a clip, like an old timey movie clip, of what it was like to celebrate a birthday back in the 1930s and just how different it is from today. And, Erin, you're the birthday girl.
A
Great. All right, now that we got that over with, let's. What should we do?
B
We should go pick up our guns and go bust up a union.
A
We could pick up a gun and go bust out a union. We could wait in line for bread.
C
Hmm.
A
We could talk about how it's okay that FDR is gonna be president for 12 years.
B
Just this once, though, some of us could vote.
A
Hmm? Some of us. Lot of. Some of us could vote.
B
Yeah.
A
Oh, that's the door. I'll get it. Wait, no. I'm a woman. After you, sir.
B
Well, do men answer the doors? Let me check my gender book. I guess we do. Hello.
C
Well, hi there. Takes off hat. Can I speak to the man in the house?
B
How'd you know my name?
C
What's your name?
B
Takes off hat. Oh, it's German.
A
How is that spelled?
B
T as in Tecumseh, A as in A. Cupsa.
C
C. Is it Scene A as in A.
B
I don't fucking know.
C
I don't fucking know.
B
I had a friend in who I was in a sketch group with, and I think he wrote back in college, and I think he wrote a sketch where he was playing like an old Southern, like, whatever. But I don't even remember how he got to the pun, but the premise of the sketch was that he was talking about Tecumseh and he kept saying, like, Tecumseh. Like, he was like, well, I need Tecumseh. That was the. That was the gist of it.
A
A simpler time.
B
A simpler time. I can't hear Tecumseh without thinking Tecumseh.
A
I mean, it's perfect.
B
Yeah.
C
When I lived in Columbus, Ohio, there was a place like an hour away that did year round, did like a Tecumseh live show with like actors and
B
animatronics like Chuck E. Cheese.
C
It's pretty wild, huh? Pretty interesting.
B
That's pretty fun.
C
Pretty interesting stuff. So that's a name I know.
A
Well, one more riddle and then perhaps a voicemail theme. And voicemail.
B
I love it.
C
I think he had visions.
A
Maybe Tecumseh Tecumseh.
C
Tecomso. Tecumseh.
B
Tecumseh.
C
Your Honor. Tecumseh.
B
Tap me on the back of my head, Tecumseh, and I will. Tecumseh.
A
If I pat you on the back of your head, that means you're about to come, sir. There you go. How much will a 38 degree angle measure when observed under a microscope? That magnifies 10 times.
B
Oh, at all. You want me to take this one? No, I got it right here. Let me grab it for you.
C
Taking out a T1000.
A
I don't know, bitch.
C
T1000 calculator.
B
Come with me if you want to calculate to come.
C
Some with me to calm, some to come.
B
I have no fucking idea. Can you. Is this a riddle that you think I could get?
A
Yeah.
B
Do you think I can get this? Okay.
C
Is it like, all of it or something?
B
Yes.
C
The whole shebang?
B
Is it none of it?
C
You said a 38 degree. How much does a 38 degree angle weigh? 1.
A
Under a microscope? Like, what does it measure as? What does the angle measure at when you've zoomed in 10 times?
B
Because it's flat or something.
A
It's nothing.
C
The angle doesn't widen, it just enhances. Enhance. I do want to see a scene.
A
Oh,
C
We do a voicemail.
A
Oh, my God. That was the biggest twist of the century. That is my favorite mystery of all time. That was amazing.
B
Can I be in the scene too, Adeline?
C
Yeah. You're gonna play jpc. Aaron, you're Aaron. I'll be Adel, and then Casey, you'll play the person who plays the voicemail.
B
I love this.
A
The role I was born to play.
B
That was Dag from Sweden. Said stayed up until 2am to finish it. So thank you so much. Dag from Sweden.
C
That kind of fucking rocked.
A
That was such a vibe. Loved it.
C
Jamiroquai adjacent.
B
Yeah. Gmail is doing this thing where now, like, you just can't. It's AIs in everything, but now they're doing, like, AI suggested replies. And the AI suggested reply for this just says, hey, Dag, we really appreciate you staying up late for this. Sounds great. I'm like, well, that's kind of close to what I probably would have said, but thank you for sending that in. If you want to send one in 30 seconds or less as a WAV file to hr podcastmail.com. hey, Rural Crew, my name is Nisha and I'm calling from Ohio.
A
I have a quick question for you. What would you say is your best
B
idea for a Cool thing to do in 2026.
A
I'm trying to think of something that
B
will give me excitement about this year instead of existential dread. Bye.
C
Thank you so much for the voicemail. And also go see that Tecumseh live show if it's still going in Ohio, Why not? I guess I don't really have anything of value to contribute because I'm struggling with this myself. But I'd probably say something, I tell myself, which is, get off your fucking phone, go outside, get some sunlight, connect with nature. Just don't spend every second looking at the news to be like, did they. Did someone get. Did someone get.
B
Did they.
C
Can we finally.
B
And did anyone.
C
Are we able to hear him?
A
Yeah. Incredible. Couldn't have said it better myself. Maybe apartment Switch with someone in a different city for a week or a weekend. Get to know a new place, wander around, get a little iced coffee, feel the sun on your face again. Save up for a fun new kitchen gadget that will really open the doors for something, like to cook a new type of cuisine or something that you're not used to doing. Maybe go on our Discord right now and set yourself up with a new pen pal where you guys can send each other funny cards or something. Do something that is tactile with your hands and in real world spaces.
B
I know what our listeners are going to do.
A
Don't masturbate.
B
Well, why not?
A
Well, when that's over, come back here for more ideas.
B
Here's something I literally did yesterday. I was cleaning out one of the cabinets in my kitchen because I wanted to make room for something else. And then I was like, I'm just gonna, like, take this project wider. And you ever do that thing where, like, you start cleaning a cabinet and you're like, oh, I've had this salsa in here for seven years and it needs to go away now. While I was doing that and I found an unexpired box of brownie mix. And so I made some brownies.
A
Wow.
B
So here's what I advise you doing. Go buy a box of brownie mix, throw it somewhere deep in the back of your cabinets, and forget about it. Because, like, five months from now, when you're like, what the fuck is this? You're gonna find it and be like, oh, yeah, jackpot. I'm scrolling on my phone.
C
Sounds like world's not gonna be around in seven years. So make those brownies now.
B
Yeah, okay. Just make some brownies. Just eat some brownies. My advice is eat some brownies. Do we have anything that we would like to plug.
C
Before we get into plugs, I have something to say. Big news, everyone. Big, big, big, big news.
B
I say huge news. I'd say monumental news.
C
It is time for our third annual. That's right, Aaron hum, Take me out to the ball Game. It's our third annual April of the Penguins.
A
April of the Penguins, when?
B
So you know what that means? That means we have new merch on our page.
A
New teams. New merch.
B
Yeah. The five new teams in there. All the artwork is done by Ariel Sinha and she absolutely fucking knocked it out of the park.
C
Crazy job.
B
The Kansas City Krakens, the Olympia One Eyes, the Santa Fe Sphinxes, the Saskatchewan Sasquatches and the Winnipeg Wendigos. And if you're wondering why those don't sound like penguins, you gotta check out the Patreon. But if you don't want to check out the Patreon, you just want to buy the merch. I guess you could just fucking do that too, if you want to.
A
We're evolving.
B
Yeah.
A
Everyone went, oh, are they doing barnyard animals next? Oh, are they doing jungle cats?
C
Yeah. Is it going to be like Reverse Humans?
A
Yeah. What's it going to be? What's it going to be?
B
Reverse Humans is an excellent idea of writing that down for next year. But anyway, check out, check out our merch. If you can. Check out our dashery store in the link in the episode description for all the new merch for this year. And then go to patreon.com favoritealviriddle and check out the episodes. It's AprilThePenguins all month long over there
C
and I'm going to give a little bit of a teaser. Next year, my team is going to be the New York Candy Marionettes. And you can try and do the math and figure out what that means.
A
Okay, Adel, now people are going to need that T shirt. And by people, I mean me. So now you actually have to do that. I don't care if we do fucking sheep. Different types of animals. Next year you're doing the candy Marionette.
B
Enough nonsense. We got to get back to business. Adel, is there anything you have to plug?
C
I want to plug Gumshoes and Dragons, a podcast that the three of us do with our friend Anthony Birch. It's a rollicking good time. It's sort of a cross between Columbo and D and D. You're gonna like the way you listen. Go ahead and check out Gumshoes and Dragons. Also better ingredients. Look inside my asshole. Papa John's. Get yourself a Papa John's.
B
Look inside your asshole and see that Papa John's has changed.
A
Speaking of looking inside an asshole, come to my show, Quality Time in Los Angeles. What am I talking about? You can follow us on Instagram @qualitytimeshow, I think. And we have a monthly show. It's a different theme every month and I love it very much. So if you want to check it out if you're in la, please do it.
B
What do I have to plug? Oh, it's Penguin Baseball League month on our Patreon, so Please listen to patreon.com heyvertovertle for Penguin Baseball all month long. I want to give a plug to Gutter, which is Casey's podcast that he both edits for and is featured on. So you can check out Gutter anywhere that you get podcasts. And I gotta read a review, guys, because I'm in the weeds here. I'm still in 2024 reading these reviews, people. Please keep writing them. I love to read them. This One comes from Alex875. Five stars. A new kind of laughter. I recently had to have a fairly scary surgery a few months back. I'm fine now, and the only thing that made me feel safe, comfortable enough to sleep in the hospital for the few days after, was this podcast. Listening to these three goofs try to avoid riddles is so fun, and the pure chaos of their energy makes them impossible to predict. The only downside is that the surgery was on my abdomen, which meant that laughter was physically painful. Alex, what are we doing? So I had to teach myself how to laugh without moving my stomach muscles, and it usually just ended up sounding like some kind of horrible scream. I had a great time, but I'm sure my nurses hated it. Give it a listen.
A
Wow, dangerous stuff.
B
Everybody, can we all go out right now trying to laugh without using our stomach? All right, let's do it. I'll be using it.
C
Hot dogs.
A
Hot dogs.
B
Hot dogs. Ha ha ha ha. Hotdogs. Created by Adol Refai, starring Aaron Chien and John Patrick Cohen.
A
Casey.
B
Tony did the editing. Hey there PB and Ls. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We have Janet Vardy and Casey Toney on for the 2026 Penguin Baseball League draft. You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog@patreon.com heyridleriddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.
A
That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
B
Sterling K. Brown.
C
And I'm Chris Sullivan.
B
And we host the podcast that was
C
us now on Headgum.
A
Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.
C
That's right.
A
We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
C
Are we gonna cry?
B
Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.
C
That's what I'm hoping, man.
B
Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app.
C
Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.
B
New episodes every Tuesday.
Release Date: April 8, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai (A), Erin Keif (B), John Patrick Coan (JPC) (C)
Network: Headgum
“Nobody’s in Charge” is a characteristically chaotic, joke-filled romp through riddles, improv sketches, and random tangents. The trio, described tongue-in-cheek as “Chicago’s most overrated improvisers,” grapple with a series of lateral thinking puzzles, playfully bicker about who’s responsible for running the episode, and indulge in comedic digressions—from botched Target bathroom stories to mock commercials for pizza and beer.
Despite the core riddle structure, this episode ultimately showcases the hosts’ playful chemistry, frequent improvisations, and their gleeful avoidance of staying on topic.
[00:36–09:35]
[10:53–13:21]
[13:23–14:53]
[15:52–19:12]
[23:24–27:40]
[32:30–61:00]
[32:30–34:55]
[45:24–47:29]
[55:45–56:19]
[53:39–55:23]
[65:01–67:54]
[68:25–71:00]
| Segment | Timestamps | Highlights & Tone | |------------------------------|-------------|--------------------------------------------------| | Weather & Outing Fiasco | 00:36–09:35 | Warm-up, anecdotal, self-deprecating, wintry | | Who’s In Charge Debate | 10:53–13:21 | Playful bickering, meta-podcast energy | | Riddle Round One | 13:23–15:37 | Silly improv (flies), riddle banter | | Bank/Heist Riddles & Scenes | 15:52–22:04 | Lateral thinking, sketch comedy, wordplay | | Phone Call Riddle | 23:24–32:03 | Customer service confusion, pasta improvisation | | Math/Logic Riddles | 32:30–36:10 | Meandering, resigned, numbers-averse humor | | Cab Driver Skit | 45:24–47:29 | Improv, classic riddle misdirection | | Commercial Parodies | 53:39–55:23 | Absurd, boundary-pushing, running gags | | Listener Advice/Voicemail | 65:01–68:17 | Sincere, whimsical, “eat some brownies” wisdom | | Plugs/April of the Penguins | 68:25–71:01 | Hype for merch, Patreon, and side projects |
“Nobody’s in Charge” is titled with purpose: the episode is a gleeful, meandering showcase of the Hey Riddle Riddle hosts at their most unfiltered and creatively anarchic. Riddles serve as a jumping-off point for layered bits, meta-jokes about their podcasting process, Chicago-specific weather and Target banter, and signature off-the-wall improv. If you love chaotic energy, reluctant riddle-solving, and surprising commercial parodies, this episode is a quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle listen.
For even more riddle chaos and exclusive bonus content, check out their Patreon and merch (including the “April of the Penguins” drops).