#404: Episode Not Found

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #404: Episode Not Found

Release Date: April 15, 2026
Hosts: Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, John Patrick Coan (JPC)
Theme: Riddles, Improv, and the Absurdities of Naming, Fame, and Chicago Lore

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Episode Overview

This episode delivers the quintessential Hey Riddle Riddle experience: Ageless banter, a torrent of tangents, the birth of new running gags (“the Coen Brother”/“Yogurt”/“Ms. Meatballs”), Chicago comedy lore, infamous celebrity moments—and of course, a handful of clever riddles (eventually). Riffing dominates the first half, shifting delightfully between improvised character bits, showbiz confusion, and comic takes on local culture before the group settles into riddle-solving mode, blending more improv and callback jokes into the puzzle-solving.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

Hot (Cold) Open: Mystery, Cold Hands & Silly Methods

• [00:06] JPC launches into a rapid-fire list of classic riddle punchlines, setting a meta tone.
• JPC shares his unique (and ridiculous) routine for making his hands cold, sparking an ongoing riff about Chicago weather and wasted freezer energy.
  • Quote: “I can't feel a fucking thing, which makes sense.” – JPC ([01:25])
  • Erin’s tagline: “Our hands are cold, but our hearts are warm.” ([02:33])

Rebranding JPC: The Coen Brother Saga

• [03:07] JPC debates a new nickname: “The Coen Brother,” riffing on his surname, only to be gently roasted by Erin and Adal for the confusion with the filmmaker Coen Brothers.
  • Quote: “I am the Coen brother… None of my brothers have the last name Coen.” – JPC ([04:18])
  • Erin & Adal reference movie titles, poke holes, and suggest alternative branding: “TCBY” and “Yogurt.”
  • Quote: “I think I’m gonna start calling myself Yogurt. All caps.” – JPC ([04:49])
  • The “Ms. Meatballs” bit for Erin’s comedy sports name is also born ([14:17]).

Chicago Celebrity & Comedy Lore

• [07:41] The hosts speculate about whether any random celebrities listen to their podcast.
• Adal shares stories of Chicago comedians, Magic Tavern (their sister podcast), and celebrity encounters (Kat Dennings, Lin-Manuel Miranda).
  • Backstage story: Vanessa, Busy Phillips, Retta, and Dave Matthews, with cast of Hamilton circulating between celebrity “corners.”
    • Quote: “I felt like I was witnessing something extraordinary.” – Adal ([10:38])
  • Callback to infamous Dave Matthews Band Chicago “poop gate” incident, leading to a rapid-fire inside-joke-laden tour scene ([14:33], [17:54]).
• Tour Guide Improv: Erin gives a hilariously frazzled Chicago architectural tour, culminating in Dave Matthews’ “unspeakable” act on the river, drawing out group comedy and callback bits.
  • Quote: “For a brief moment, not on St. Patrick’s Day, the river was brown.” – Erin ([18:22])

Episode Title Gags

• The group debates titling the episode “Dave Matthews Please Listen to This Episode” or go with the meta “Episode Not Found,” given its number (#404), showcasing the meta-humor characteristic of the show. ([21:00])

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The Riddles (With Tangents and Scenes)

[22:06] Riddle: Wawa

• Riddle: “A word from the cradle spoken before speech. Pilgrims at midnight know well where I reach…”
• Discussion quickly pivots to Philly Wawa vs. Sheetz rivalry, Adal’s love of pretzel products, and the “baby wants Wawa” anecdote.
  • Answer: Wawa
  • Quote: “My favorite riddles ever from Maggie.” – Adal ([21:45])
  • Improv Scene: JPC plays a talkative baby trying to order a gin and tonic at a bar, adamant about not being condescended to ([25:45]).

[44:37] Riddle: Spiral Staircase Etiquette

• Riddle: “When is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside?”
• The group riff on spiral staircases in castles and apartments, leading to digressions about Crave Cases from White Castle and childhood eating habits.
  • Answer: Passing on the inside of spiral staircases (particularly in castles; inside = narrow, harder to climb)
  • Improv: A drunk castle porter (Adal) leads a dizzy guest (JPC) up an endlessly winding, reality-bending staircase—MC Escher, split personalities, ghostly sightings included ([49:09]).

[51:41] Riddle: The Naked Robber

• Riddle: “A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk and then runs off into the crowd. The police are unable to find him and all the witnesses have trouble describing him. Explain why.”
• Tangent: Hollow Man, Mystery Men, and “flesh-colored buildings.”
  • Answer: He’s at a nudist colony or nude beach; nothing unusual to describe ([54:32]).
  • Quote: “Eyewitness testimony is terribly unreliable. And also, why narc on a guy for stealing papers?” – JPC ([54:57])
  • Improv: The lost colony of Roanoke, but with a proposal to loosen colony “dress code” and start “thing parties” (key exchange parties), blending Puritan jokes and modern tropes ([55:48]).

[59:01] Riddle: Racing Driver in Hospital

• Riddle: Racing driver is hospitalized six months after an accident at Daytona, but never considered giving up racing. Why?
  • Answer: He was injured at Daytona, but not while racing—so never considered quitting racing ([60:15]).
  • Improv: “Yogurt” (JPC’s new persona) is an injured driver rambling on live TV, with hallucinations and tongue-tied puns ([61:00]).

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Notable Quotes & Callback Moments

• “Girls can keep their names now. I’m drunk at my own wedding. Yogurt!” – Erin ([14:29])
• “Adults don’t eat those pizza Lunchables that are cold marinara on a cold cracker with cold cheese.” – Adal ([48:02])
• “Adults watch Bluey.” – Adal & JPC ([28:55])
• “Your brain starts melting out of your ears.” – Adal, re: adults watching Cocomelon ([29:18])
• Meta commentary on their own riddle-solving and scene-improv format, frequently breaking the fourth wall.

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Voicemail & Listener Questions

• [65:02] Creative listener voicemail about a raccoon moon colony, referencing show in-jokes.
• Wedding Venue Dilemma: Listeners ask if they should get married at a zoo or an aquarium. Tangents ensue about animal interaction, sense of smell, dolphin ring bearers, and the merits of green screen tech weddings. Strong arguments made for the petting zoo, but aquarium wins for “photographability.”
  • Quote: “Every anniversary, change where it was.” – Adal ([69:05])

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Fun Fact/Speech Impediment Tangent

• [42:15] All three hosts reminisce about childhood speech impediments, with jokes about pathologies, coping strategies (like word substitution), and the irony of now talking for a living.

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Pop Culture & Cartoon Detours

• Extended riffing on Hanna-Barbera (Wacky Races, Grape Ape, Snidely Whiplash), classic vs. new cartoons, and Bluey/Cocomelon adult-viewership.
  • Quote: “Would you believe [Grape Ape’s catchphrase] was ‘Grape Ape’?” – Adal ([64:51])

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Episode Structure & Timestamps

• 00:00–21:45: Banter, branding comedy, Chicago and celebrity lore, tour improv, Dave Matthews gag, episode title debate
• 21:45–43:36: Main riddles—Philadelphia/pretzel/spoken word (“Wawa”), scenes, tangents
• 43:36–56:00: More riddles (spiral staircase, naked man), more scenes, historical improv
• 56:00–62:59: Final riddles (Daytona accident), driver improv, cartoon nostalgia
• 65:02–71:32: Listener voicemails, wedding venue advice, closing bits, plugs

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

Hey Riddle Riddle #404 exemplifies the show’s signature tone—warm, chaotic, high-tempo improv and digression, consistently breaking the mold of a mere “riddle podcast.” Consistent callbacks, absurdist scenes, and ongoing in-jokes (“Yogurt,” “Ms. Meatballs,” Dave Matthews Poopgate, the Clue Crew, and more) build the unique rapport that rewards longtime listeners and amuses first-timers with sheer playful unpredictability. The riddles, as always, are a solid excuse for irreverence and camaraderie—even as they occasionally get solved along the way.

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Closing Quotes

• “You will lose your sanity with all your friends. This was your warning.” – Listener review, read by JPC ([71:04])
• "Solved. Solved. You've been solved." – Adal & cast, on wrapping up the wedding venue dilemma ([69:25])

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For the full immersion in the voices, improv, and energy, this episode is best experienced firsthand—but with this recap, you’ll catch all the major arcs, running gags, and choice comedy moments.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast.

[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice ray. And the horses ain't Friday.

[A]

So you see, if I put all the pieces together, who the murderer is is actually quite simple. Jpc, where were you when the episode started?

[B]

Okay, so I don't. It's not technically jerking off, but what I was doing, it's like pre jerking off. I was basically taking my hands and doing 30 seconds in the freezer. Thirty seconds sitting on them. Thirty seconds in the freezer. Thirty seconds Sitting on them. Thirty seconds in the Freezer. Thirty seconds sitting on them. So that's like three minutes. And then I ran out of time. And then. Yeah, came right here for the episode to start recording.

[A]

Yeah, these things.

[B]

I can't feel a fucking thing, which makes sense.

[A]

Okay, well, then I'm not. I don't think I know who the Merchant murderer is, actually, if that's what you were doing. So I am gonna head out. Good luck solving the murder, Hayward. Riddle's a terrible place to be jerking off. Putting your hands in the freezer. Jpc. Why did the old timey detective leave? What did you say?

[B]

Oh, so he asked about my method for. Well, it's not technically jerking off. He just asked about my general method for doing things. And so I did my, you know, my whole thing. 30 seconds in the freezer, 30 seconds sitting on my hands. 30 seconds in the fridge.

[A]

30 seconds in the freezer. 30 seconds sitting on your hands.

[B]

Yeah. Then he just kind of left. I think he may have been the murderer.

[A]

Oh. Oh, it was me, but that's me.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Adol, do you want to record an episode or.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are your hands so cold? Adol,

[B]

you don't have to answer that.

[C]

Live in Chicago.

[A]

Okay? You weren't doing 30 seconds sitting on your hands. 30 seconds in the freezer.

[C]

Couldn't be me.

[A]

Great, then we're all on the same page.

[B]

I forgot that I live in Chicago. I've been wasting freezer energy. There's no reason for it. Stick my Damn Hands out.

[A]

30 seconds out the window. 30 seconds sitting on it. 30 seconds out the window. Thirty seconds. And you can take that advice for free. Hey, everybody, this is. Hey, Riddle. Riddle. Our hands are cold, but our hearts are warm. That's JPC over there.

[B]

Wow, great tagline for the show, Aaron.

[A]

Thanks. That's JPC over there.

[B]

We already did Me.

[A]

Oh, and that's ADOL over there.

[C]

Oh, hello. And that's Aaron over there.

[A]

Oh, hello. And I'm right over here. Jpc. Something you wanted to discuss?

[B]

So I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm going to rebrand myself. Cause I go by jpc. Sometimes people get confused by that. They're like, oh, what's your name? I say, that's jpc. And they go, oh, you go by jpc? And I'm like, yeah, that's my name. It's what I go by. I'm thinking of changing it up. And this is for life purposes, but also for official purposes. Like maybe this is the way that I'll build myself in future episodes as well. But I.

[A]

This is not January 1st, and this is not your birthday. So this is a seemingly random rebrand.

[B]

This is a rebrand that struck me as so obvious that I could not believe that I hadn't thought of it earlier. And I think it's going to be great for branding. I think it's going to be good for the show. I'm going to start going by an official documentation. My credits, my IMDb, what? I'm known as the Coen Brother.

[C]

Oh, no. Who's gonna tell him?

[A]

I don't wanna tell him.

[B]

The Coen Brother.

[C]

No, we heard it.

[B]

Because here's the thing. I am not a Coen Brothers.

[A]

Oh, so you have heard of them?

[B]

None of my brothers. Of course I have. None of my brothers have the last name Cohen. I'm the only one of my brothers with the last name Cohen. So I am the Cohen brother.

[C]

I mean, I think people are just going to call you TCB if you go that route, because I think we've all gotten pretty comfortable with the initials.

[B]

Is that something?

[C]

Tcb?

[B]

Is that. Oops.

[C]

The country's best. If you added Y, that's tcby.

[A]

Ooh, go by tcby.

[C]

Just go by Yogurt.

[A]

Yogurt.

[C]

Yogurt.

[B]

I think I'm gonna start calling myself Yogurt. All caps.

[A]

I love it. Here's. Can I tell you my real issue with the Coen brother thing?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. So for many, many years, the Coen brothers worked together.

[B]

They were making.

[A]

Oh, Brother Huarta. They were making Fargo. They were making.

[B]

Not in that order.

[A]

A Serious man they were making.

[B]

That was the third pick. Your third one was A Serious Man. Interesting.

[A]

What am I missing?

[C]

The Big Lebowski.

[A]

No, the Big Lebowski. Of course, the Big Lebowski.

[B]

No.

[A]

Country for Old Men was not them, was it?

[B]

It was them.

[C]

Yes, it was them.

[B]

Yeah, it was them. It was Them. It was indeed them.

[C]

Are you thinking, of course, that movie with Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon as twins? The Lady Killers joined step. That were pitchers. That was the Farrelly brothers.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Oh, and then Lady Killers.

[B]

They did Lady Killers.

[A]

They did all sorts of things together.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Currently. Right now. Aren't they working separately?

[B]

They are.

[A]

One of them directed the new. I guess it's not new. Time doesn't mean anything anymore. The new Macbeth with Denzel Washington in it.

[B]

Newish.

[A]

Newish. Which I thought was actually quite good. First 20 minutes are a little slow. The rest is quite fantastic. So now maybe on set they are being referred to as the Cohen brother. They are singular now. So you're sort of infringing on their new copy.

[B]

There's also Eton Cohen. Is that right? There's Ethan Cohen, who is a Cohen brother. And then there's Ethan Cohen, who directs a bunch of other slop. This is the Bill Murray thing with, like. Bill Murray signed on to Garfield because he thought it was being directed by Ethan Cohen, but it was being directed by Ethan Cohen. Are you guys familiar with this? This is lore. This is old Hollywood lore rules. Yeah. I think he spells it different, smells it different.

[C]

Well, Javier Bardem is Garfield.

[A]

He's wearing the same. Okay. Garfield, but he's wearing the no country for Old Men wig.

[C]

That is my lasagna. He takes, like, an abattoir gun to Odie's head.

[B]

Yes. He wrote Idiocracy. I think he wrote. Or maybe he directed Tropic Thunder. Get hard. Oh, boy. Remember, get hard.

[C]

Tropic Thunder was written by. He directed Handsome. Oh, okay. I was gonna say the handsome guy from the Leftovers.

[B]

Yeah, he wrote it. Justin Thoreau.

[C]

Justin Theroux wrote Tropic Thunder.

[A]

Not to be confused with throw pillows. Throw pillows.

[B]

Justin. Justin.

[A]

Throw pillows on a motorcycle.

[C]

The former prime minister of Canada marries fiance. Justin.

[A]

Fiance Trudeau.

[C]

I believe they got engaged.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

This is going to help you guys. Eaton Cohen did the screenplay for Bad

[C]

Guys two Lead with that. That we all know.

[A]

Do you guys think that Katy Perry listens to. Hey, Riddle. Riddle.

[C]

Hundo p. I have evidence.

[B]

Hundo P. Eren, do you think that

[A]

there's a random celebrity that has stumbled upon us, gave us a shot and then left? Like maybe their kid liked us or something? And then.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I know that Kat Dennings had a brief stint where she was into Magic Tavern.

[A]

Oh, that's. I mean, that's amazing. That makes sense to me.

[C]

And that was a weird blip where we're like, whoa, What? And then I think by the time we got our bearings, it was like, hey, should we reach out? I think it's done. I think we're. I think maybe. No.

[B]

Do you know it? Because, like, sometimes I know people will listen to Magic Tavern if they are. If there's, like, a guest or, like, a celebrity that's on it. Do you know if Kat Dennings, like, got hooked in by a different celebrity?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Okay. Thought this was gonna be a really rip. Area of conversation.

[A]

Lin Manuel Miranda. If you are listening to us, blink twice in your next interview.

[C]

I do know Lin Manuel Miranda is aware of Magic Tavern, because that's huge. When I met him, I handed him a card and said, I do a podcast.

[A]

Okay, so he has a Magic Tavern card in his wallet.

[C]

Maybe there's a trash can near the. I want to say, the Neil Simons Theater.

[B]

Are we counting that as aware of. I mean, if we are, we are, right?

[C]

I mean, like, he looked at the card and he said, tell me about your podcast.

[A]

That's sweet.

[B]

Was he just reading the text of the card? Like, when someone hands someone a note when they're grabbing a bank, that's like, act normal. Ask me how my day is.

[A]

Ask me about my podcast.

[C]

Have I told you about when I met him? And it was, to me, the weirdest triangulation of celebrities.

[A]

I think vaguely, but remind me.

[C]

So I saw Hamilton, the original run in New York, and I was with Vanessa, and she's friends with. Is it Busy Phillips, or is that

[B]

how you pronounce it?

[C]

Yes, Busy. She's friends with Busy Phillips. And so we got to go backstage afterwards or, like, on the stage to meet the cast and everyone, and it was us in, like, a little huddle. And then it was Retta from Parks and Recs and Rec.

[A]

Oh, she's so funny.

[C]

And Dave Matthews. And so it was like us. It was like us at one corner, Dave at another point, and then Retta. And the cast is, like, bouncing between that triangle. So it'd be like Daveed Diggs comes over and says, like, hi to us, and then goes up to Dave and then down to Retta. So it's just this weird triangulation of, like, what a random. And obviously, Vanessa and Busy being friends, they could, you know, chat amongst themselves, and they knew some of the cast and everything. But I just felt like I was witnessing something extraordinary.

[A]

That is an incredible lineup. And was your mouth just filling with blood? Trying not to ask Dave Matthews about what happened in Chicago?

[C]

I In my head, it was almost like, you know, in. Did you read in Chicago, you know, in one of the avengers movies where Dr. Strange does his thing where he's like, I've looked through 500 million things GPC, Aaron. I went through several timelines where I went up to David. I was like, I know what you did.

[A]

Chicago remembers.

[B]

I think that he donated, like, a ton of money to, like, a river cleanup charity, too. Like, in, like, by means of apologizing, of course.

[C]

I think he paid for his mess.

[A]

I think about on Haven Alfredo, when we joked about he paid for his mess, how people leave, like, bears and flowers at that spot still.

[B]

Yeah, it is very funny. It's a. It's. Honestly, though, it is kind of a unique part of our city's, like, niche cultural identity.

[C]

I do like the idea of, like, if I went to your house and clogged the toilet, like, two years later being like, well, jpc, I did clog your toilet, but I donated to the JPC Plumbing Fund, Fix the Pipes charity, which helps toilets in need.

[B]

I know I fucked up your toilet, but every time I go to Home Depot, I leave a $50 bill and a display model just as a way of kind of, like, paying it forward

[C]

just to pay it forward.

[A]

Guys, there's certain things we love in. Hey, Riddle, Riddle. And that is one of them.

[B]

It's Joel Cohen. Joel. Joel Cohen. A different Joel Cohen was the writer of the garfield movie from 2002.

[A]

Okay, thank you for fact checking.

[B]

Eaton Cohen or Eton Eden Cohen is a different Cohen. There's so many Cohens in film that it gets confusing, which is why Great time for the Coen brother.

[A]

Well, I think latch onto a different part of your name. Like how many people are named John?

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

This has the energy that I'm Old Man Puzzles today. I'm not, though. I know what everyone's thinking. Oh, that's a classic Aaron episode. No, it's not me.

[B]

Yeah. Aaron, do you remember that episode where you didn't know that you were Old Man Puzzles until it was the one

[A]

that we recorded recently that I never

[B]

think about episodes after they've come out. I thought about that the other day. It popped into my head, and I was like, that was so funny to me.

[A]

That was wackadoo. And, you know, But I will say, having I did, I was prepared for one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I had one like, ones from a book that I had read and prepared. So luckily, thank God. What would I have done? What would I have done?

[C]

I would, like, I'm Old Man Puzzles just to.

[A]

Congratulations.

[C]

And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling Cohens. Conehead, Cohenhead, Cohenhead.

[B]

Cointelpro.

[A]

Ice Cream Cohen.

[B]

Tzpy Aaron Ice Cream Cohen was my comedy sports name because you always had to have, like, a nickname when they announced you for comedy sports. And mine was John Patrick Ice Cream Cohen.

[A]

What would mine be? Keef.

[B]

So we have to say queef something that. No, it's gotta be. It's comedy sports. You get an instant brown bag. If you said queef, it would be like something that ends with a Keef sound.

[C]

Aaron on the side of meatballs.

[A]

Aaron on the side of Aaron on the side of meatballs. I walk out. I'm so depressed.

[B]

Aaron, does Adol think your last name is Meatballs?

[A]

I think so. Don't cry. Well, Ms. Meatballs, now presenting Mr. And Mrs. Meatballs. Do, do, do, do do.

[B]

I'm keeping my name. I'm keeping my name.

[A]

I'm keeping my name.

[B]

I'm keeping my name. I'm not.

[A]

Girls can keep their names now I'm drunk at my own wedding yogurt.

[C]

Ms. Meatballs, we need to see a scene. Aaron, you are a Chicago tour guide.

[A]

Great.

[C]

JPC and I are tourists on this beautiful tour. And you are going to be giving us some information about Chicago, inevitably leading up to the Dave Matthews sort of bridge.

[A]

Right. Oh, we think that Chicago did a great job rebuilding after the fire. Obviously, we lost a lot of great buildings, but it really added to a swarm of really great architects coming in and rebuilding the city. We got a lot of Art Deco,

[C]

Devil in the White City.

[A]

Yes, exactly. The World's Fair. Yeah. You know all about Chicago.

[B]

Hank, I'm so sorry to do this. I'm. We were up so late last night. I think I'm just gonna to catch a quick nap while the tour is happening. It's interesting. I'm just going to do a quick nap. Would I lean my head back? If my mouth opens up, will you just kind of like, push my jaw shut? Because I just don't want to have my mouth open, you know, sleeping in public.

[A]

I hear some mumblings and grumblings from the group. I bet you want me to talk more about where you can find some Chicago ghosts.

[C]

Are you cold?

[A]

No, that just sort of. I'm adding some color.

[B]

I'm actually hot. I'm gonna unbutton a couple buttons on my shirt and I put sunscreen on, so I'm not worried about that. But when I just gotta stretch out

[A]

we have a lot of requests here on this tour. That man's mouth is open.

[C]

I'll close it. Alley oop.

[A]

We get a lot of requests here on the tour. People want to hear about Al Capone's time in the city. People are interested in the history of. Of the Chicago Cubs and White Sox. Who? Any fans of each of these teams? Ah, classic rivalry. Damn, guys. I'm in a fucking day. 18 of these today.

[B]

I'm actually here bird watching. So I'm just gonna be staring straight up into the sky through my binoculars.

[A]

Just go somewhere else then.

[B]

How? We're on a boat.

[A]

God. I got fucking broken up with this morning. I'm doing all the 18 fucking.

[C]

You're talking into a microphone. You got broken up with this?

[A]

Oh, I am. Yep. I got broken up with this morning at Tweet in Andersonville.

[C]

What is that?

[A]

Took me out to brunch. I ended up paying for both of us. It's cash only, and I didn't have cash.

[B]

How'd you pay for both of you?

[A]

I had to wait in the long line at the atm and then they ended up not having enough cash in the ATM and so I had to. Doesn't matter.

[B]

I like how they give you a little piece of. Of breakfast bread before your meal.

[A]

Yeah, they have. There's gluten free ones too, if you're gluten free. They're really good with gluten free.

[B]

Sometimes they have chocolate chips that are great.

[A]

Bloody Marys at Tweet.

[C]

I've never been to Chicago before. Isn't Tweet connected to big chicks?

[A]

It is connected to big chicks. This guy knows all about Chicago. I love it. It is fantastic. It is a great bar.

[B]

It's a gay bar and a breakfast place. What's the not to love? It's the best of both worlds to love.

[A]

Many great Chicago comedians worked at tweet.

[C]

Name 10.

[A]

Rashawn Scott, nine others.

[B]

It got out of my mouth. It got in my mouth.

[A]

Okay, So a bird flew right into his mouth.

[B]

I saw it.

[A]

The most requested part of our tour is something that is haunting the city. Something awful. It's where Dave Matthews did something unspeakable to the Chicago River. How many people have heard about what we do the Chicago river on St. Patrick's Day?

[B]

No hints. Zero hints. No hints.

[A]

Well, we turn it green. Don't worry, it's environmentally safe. No, no, it's really quite charming.

[B]

You should say that before.

[A]

People drink Guinness in River north and then they walk over and they go, huh? The River's green. That's sort of a fun thing we love to do in Chicago. But for a brief moment, not on St. Patrick's Day, the river was brown.

[B]

Just a music cue scene.

[A]

Wait, he put you in the river? I could have gone on and on, but Adol cut me off. £800 of human waste.

[C]

For anyone who doesn't know what we're talking about. Google.

[B]

£800.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

From the Kinsey Street Bridge, DMV, Chicago, 2004.

[B]

There's a plaque, right?

[C]

There's a plaque. And I forget something else.

[A]

Goo goo poop gate. 200,000 gentlemen from the band.

[C]

Oh, so good.

[B]

Actually, it would be pretty impressive from

[A]

the parody song episode. Now that I've done that, Aaron, that

[B]

episode was like a month and a half.

[A]

Yeah. Can I be excused from it?

[C]

Yes, of course.

[B]

Yeah. You do not have to participate in that episode from a month.

[C]

Well, Aaron, you're excused, because I remember, well, that you did a incredible Dave Matthews poop parody.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I believe

[B]

it's impressive for Poopgate if it still leads to that. Because that was like, what you said, like, 20 years ago. And we haven't had another poop gate that's taken up that SEO. That's great. That's good for us, for America.

[A]

Yeah. But you know how time works. Like, if there's another poop gate, then this will just be like. It'll be like, this is like the great poop gate. And then it will be like, we don't know what they'll be called if they ever know what happens. You know what I mean?

[B]

Got it. Yeah.

[A]

You won't know until a couple hundred years after what people decide it is.

[C]

You know, Dave Matthews is the reason we have to take our shoes off at the airport in Chicago. Because of Poopgate.

[B]

Because of Poopgate.

[A]

And we thank him for it. I hope he listens.

[C]

That would be wild. If this is his first and only listen.

[A]

I love your drummer.

[C]

I love your drummer.

[B]

I think there's a chance that this is his first and only listen, because I'm assuming that we're going to name the name of this episode. Dave Matthews, please listen to this episode.

[A]

Oh, please.

[C]

Let's start to pander more.

[B]

Speaking of pandering, my other pitch is that we call this episode Not Found, because this is episode 404. Ooh.

[A]

Yeah. We can't. It's not. Only time to do that. And then the next episode will be Dave Matthews, please listen to this.

[C]

Please start from here.

[B]

Dave Matthews, please listen to the previous episode.

[A]

Please, please name it that. I'm begging you.

[B]

If I have my druthers, I'm going to name 405 Dave Matthews. Please listen to the previous episod.

[A]

Please don't lose your druthers. I really hope you keep your druthers

[B]

in parentheses, not the Patreon preview. Okay, all right, all right, okay, okay. Enough fun, enough fun, enough fun.

[C]

Let's do riddles. I do want to read a riddle. I want to start off with one that I received from Maggie, and I want to say this was given to me at a live show in Philly. I'm pretty sure Maggie attended our show in Philly and handed me this riddle, and it's one of my favorite riddles of all time.

[A]

Oh, exciting.

[C]

Jbc, I believe you were with me when I solved this, so if you remember the answer, please do not shout it aloud.

[B]

I was with you when you solved this.

[C]

I think we went to that because we went to that old timey ice cream shop in Philly. Yes, and I believe outside of that shop is where. Cause I ordered. Aaron and I ordered pretzel ice cream with pretzel balls topped with pretzel dust.

[A]

Oh, man, that sounds so good.

[B]

In Philadelphia, Adel went pretzel crazy the way I usually go waffle crazy in other cities.

[C]

I had no idea soft pretzels were synonymous with Philly, and I had a blast exploring that side of the town. And my favorite thing was a breakfast sandwich served on a sliced soft pretzel.

[B]

That's.

[C]

That's unfucking believably good.

[A]

This is making me, like, so hungry that I feel a little distracted.

[C]

So if you need to.

[A]

If I go slack behind the eyes, it's because I'm thinking about soft pretzels.

[B]

If you need to take 30 seconds to put your hands in the freezer, then another 30 seconds to sit on them and take, you know, repeat that second couple of times. You can do that.

[C]

If you won't be able to stand and feed yourself a soft pretzel.

[A]

But then how am I supposed to. I'm not going to be able to feel my hands, and I won't be able to type in soft pretzel porn into my.

[C]

Aaron, put your hands above the keyboard and trust that they know what to do.

[A]

Let the algorithm take you away.

[C]

So thank you, Maggie, for handing me and presumably writing this riddle. Here we go. Aaron, I think this is an only you answer. Unless JPC legit forgot, I'd be hard

[B]

pressed to remember any specific conversation that I've had. So I think there's a 50, 50 chance that I. Right there with Aaron guessing along.

[C]

This is one of my favorite riddles ever from Maggie. A word from the cradle spoken before speech. Pilgrims at midnight know well where I reach A beacon on corners, a harbor of bread, A cult in the commons where hunger is fed. Not temple nor tavern yet filling all needs When Adol is thirsty, it's what baby needs.

[B]

Okay, well, I know it. I don't remember it, but I know it based on when baby is thirsty. Jpz well, okay. Can I. Aaron, do you know this one?

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

Okay, so first of all, my guess

[A]

is milk, but I don't think that that's what it is.

[B]

It's not milk. I have a deep history with this. But also, whenever I just came back from Florida not too long ago, whenever we go see Mariah's parents, they live like down the street from a Wawa gas station because everything from Florida ends up or everything from all over the country ends up in Florida when people retire to it. So I know that the answer is Wawa because I also know. I also know that the baby wants Wawa story is one of my favorite stories of yours.

[C]

Thank you. The answer is Wawa.

[A]

Of course. Okay. We were in Philadelphia. Yeah, of course, of course, of course.

[B]

And Philadelphia also has sheets, right? Yes, it is, because those are like the two competing Philadelphia gas stations.

[C]

I think so.

[A]

And that's why we were wearing those T shirts and you were dressed like Ben Franklin.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

I would like to see a scene. Oh, go ahead.

[B]

No, I was just gonna say that I see Wawas down in Florida, but I don't see sheets, so it's interesting. Yes. Aaron, please, your seat.

[A]

My scene. Adel, you are going to be a bartender. Jpc. You are going to be a baby that is going into a bar and you don't want to be talked down to or condescended like you want to be treated just like any other patron.

[C]

All right, what are we having? ID, please.

[B]

Firmly. Probably. But wait here for 15 minutes or one minute or 60. I don't. I can't. I don't. I can't do time, so.

[C]

Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah, it's been a little time. Can I see your id, please?

[B]

Just Jim Antoinetic. My what?

[C]

Your name is Jim and tonic.

[B]

No, I would like a gin and tonic.

[C]

Oh, gin and tonic. Yes.

[B]

Yes, please.

[C]

Just grab that id, please.

[B]

The bouncer checked out my ID when I came in. The. I mean was. I've got the. I got the wristband I got the wristband.

[C]

I don't. Oh, it's on the floor.

[B]

Well, because they don't really make them for wisps this small, do they? When that's kind of ableist. Yeah, just a gen and twaty.

[C]

All right, coming up. Okay. And. Oh, sorry. I should ask. Do you want a top shelf or. Well.

[B]

Oh, is that funny? Because I can't reach onto a top shell shelf because I'm a baby. Is that why that's funny to you?

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

It's you people. I just can't. I can't. Yeah. Huh huh. The least you could do, by the way, when you serve it to me is with a little nipple on top. Please.

[C]

Nipple on top.

[B]

I can't dwink out of a squaw because I don't have the sucking power for that. So it has to be a nipple on the top. Hey, buddy, it will spill if you give it to me. Just a glass, buddy.

[C]

I was gonna. You know what, buddy? You look like a baby. I wasn't gonna say anything. Cause I trust Todd at the door would have caught that. But I'm starting to think you're a baby. And you know what?

[B]

Hey, asphalt.

[C]

I do.

[B]

How do you know I don't have Benjamin Boynton bouzees?

[C]

Oh my God.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh. Sir, thank you for before your service. I assume you fought the Civil War.

[B]

Civil War?

[C]

Yeah, I assumed you. Then wait, how old age do you.

[B]

How do we think this works? Yeah, you watch backwards.

[A]

Yeah, I checked his ID at the door.

[C]

Todd.

[A]

Everyone's always on Todd from doing a bad job.

[B]

Todd.

[C]

But I looked okay. Todd, if one more baby gets through, you're done.

[A]

He had this little plastic ID thing

[B]

cut back to daycare. Guys, I found a bar where they think Benjamin Button diseases wheel and we could go there and we could drink.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. Do they play sports or do they play Coco Melon?

[B]

It's mostly sports. I. I bet if we got more of us guys in there, we could get them to switch to Coco Melon. But it's or we'd have to do like we have to wait until it was like not sports season. Is that right?

[C]

We cut back to the bar. So you're telling me that you, seemingly a three month baby saw Led Zeppelin at the Winter Ballroom? Oh my God.

[B]

I. Yeah. And this was when John Bonham was still, you know, okay with us. So.

[A]

Hey, everyone at the bottle really wants Coco Melon on the television set.

[B]

That's weird. Should we all just watch Coco Bella Is that.

[C]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But you're all, like, 80 to 90 years old, right? You're just trapped in.

[B]

Adults watch Bluey.

[A]

Adults watch Bluey.

[B]

See, that ends up being, like, the best argument I've ever.

[C]

My character and the person behind it completely called out.

[B]

I do like how it's like Bluey, the one that's universally accepted by adults. And then Cocomelon, the one that if an adult watches cocomelon, they're like, what the fuck?

[A]

Your brain starts melting out of their ears.

[C]

Fuck.

[B]

I've never seen cocomelon, but I do. I've heard a bunch of cocomelon songs just because. Like, baby songs, autoplay. And without fail, every time I'm like, what the fuck am I listening to? And then I look at it and I go, oh, it's Coco Melon. Of course.

[A]

Yes, A thing.

[B]

I don't know what it is, but I know this is the cocomelon.

[C]

Wheels on the Bus is Cocomelon. Is it like Bluey, where cocomelon is a character? Or is cocomelon like a planet or something?

[A]

Your guess is as good as mine.

[B]

I don't know. What could cocomelon possibly mean? What could that mean?

[A]

Is it a bunch of, like, fruit dancing? I'll look that up.

[B]

That's what it sounds like. Don't look it up. Please, Aaron, let Coco. Just don't tell me. I just don't want to know.

[C]

What cocoa melon, Aaron, that's Carmen Miranda.

[A]

Oh, this looks worse than I imagined. This is bad.

[B]

Cocomelon feels like. I would like. If I'm looking at a list of mocktails at a bar, that's one that I'm not even reading. The rest of the ingredients, I go, it's called the cocomelon. Skip, Skip. You're not gonna like anything in that.

[A]

The liquor is like gin. And you're like, what cantaloupe liqueur.

[C]

You wasted time making cantaloupe liqueur.

[B]

I've heard of hot honey, but what the fuck is spicy honey? Why is that the second ingredient infused?

[A]

I think I've told this story before on the show, but one of my favorite moments of my life was pre getting my license. I think I was still getting exactly. I was like 15 or 14. And my friend Steven from high school, his mom picked us up because we had to still carpool places. She was driving us somewhere. And he had two little sisters. They were much younger. And I was in the back with one of the littlest ones. And the car was completely silent and she tapped me on the shoulder and was like, psst, psst. I was like, what? And she went, I can't pronounce my owls. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. I had a speech impediment, too. And I was like. She's like, yeah. I can't say my ow is at all. Every time I try to say any word with ow in it, I can't do it. Think about it all of the time. And that's so cool. You know what? I think she's an R. Yeah. I think she's graduated college and I don't even know. I haven't. I don't have an update on if this girl can pronounce her R's.

[C]

Well, Erin, we do have a.

[A]

My ouse.

[C]

We have a surprise. JPC and I have been sitting on this waiting for you to tell the story. Casey, go ahead and play the voicemail. That is that little girl grown up now?

[B]

Hey, Aaron. Hey, Aaron, it's Kate from back in the day. Didn't give you permission to share that story. It's kind of really fucking personally embarrassing to me. So you will be hearing from my attorney.

[A]

Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off. Casey. Turn it off.

[B]

Okay. Casey. Crazy. And thank you, Casey, for preserving her anonymity by using the JPC voice modulator on that voicemail.

[C]

Of course, that little girl had a disease where if you turn off her

[B]

voicemail, she dies, basically pulling the plug.

[C]

So, Aaron, why don't you take some time to reflect on what you just did and we'll take a quick break and be right back with.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Hopefully, sort of a rejuvenated Aaron.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

You know that disease or if someone stops playing your voicemail. Yeah, you die.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, guys, I'm playing hide and seek with Adeline jpc. And so I'm hiding, so just bear with me. Do you know that Mother's Day is coming up? And let me guess, you're gonna go for the same old, same old. You're gonna get your wife or your mom flowers, brunch, a gift card, fluffy robe that you already got her last year. What if you got her an aura frame? If your mom is anything like my mom, she will send you screenshots of photos from six years ago in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Because moms love looking at photos. That's like their number one thing that they love to do. The aura frame has free, unlimited storage. You can add as many photos or videos as you want. You can even preload photos before it ships, maybe adding inside jokes all the photos that she's been screenshotting and then she'll send you a screenshot of a screenshot of a screenshot of a photo and you can include those on there. You can personalize your gift. There can be messages. You can have a gift box. Every Frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. Just download the free Aura app and text photos straight to the frame. The Aura frame reached number one in the App Store on Christmas Day in 2025 because moms love the Aura frame named number one on Wirecutter. You can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners could get $25 off their best selling Carver Mat frame with code riddle that's aura a u r a frames.com promo code riddle r a d D L E Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Oh my gosh. I forgot to whisper. Do you think they're looking for me? It's been like six and a half days, but I bet they're really excited to find me. 9991000 Ready or not, here I come. Oh hey everybody. I'm just playing a quick game of hide and seek with Adel and JPC so you keep an eye out for them while I talk to you about quints. This past weekend I was out and about with my new Italian suede slouchy midnight blue bag and I kid you not, several of the most beautiful cool looking women asked me where I got it and I got to go. Quints. It's super affordable. I want my everyday items to be classic and timeless and comfortable and easy and affordable. And that's why I shop at Quint's. Quince has all the wardrobe staples for spring. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34, lightweight, breathable and comfortable. But you're still going to look put together and clean. 100% prima cotton tees with a softness that has to be felt. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you'll find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen so you're getting premium materials without the markup. I love everything I have from Quint's. I recently got sandals from them. I'm obsessed with their home stuff. If you're looking for basics like rugs or curtains, truly just the most timeless, classic, well made items are over there at Quint's, so check it out. Still not seeing Adler gpc. Starting to worry that they went to the movies or something? Nope. They're around. We'll find them. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Quince Q U I N C E.com Riddle R I D D L E for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year. If it's a full year, you can decide if you like it, you're going to like it. Quints.com Riddle I found you. Oh no. Sorry. False alarm. Those are just two scarecrows eating dessert waffles. Onward and upward. Hello everybody, it's me, Erin Keefe, here to talk about my dog, Lou. I bet you've heard me talk about Lou hundreds if not thousands of times on the show because I am obsessed with her. Fun fact about Lou. This past weekend in Palm Springs, she ran face first into a cactus and I did not handle it well. And if anyone gets being dog obsessed, it's Ollie. I love Ollie's dog food. They're relentless about delivering the best food and experience to your dog and they give you a way to check in on their health over and over and over again. Ollie's fresh recipes are developed by real chefs and backed by vet nutritionists. They're obsessed with making the best meals in the highest quality ingredients. From the moment you start your subscription, everything is tailored to your dog. The meals are perfectly portioned and you get a puptainer cute and a scoop for easy storing and serving. With Ollie, you don't just get food through their app. You can actually check on your dog's health with real vets just by uploading a picture. Their team can check in on your dog's weight, digestion, teeth and coat because they're obsessed with making sure your pup is as healthy as can be. Lou's getting old and I just want her to be healthy and have the best life she can. Since switching to Ollie, Lou gets even more excited to eat. She clearly loves the food and also I just noticed she's got a little bit more energy. She's acting like a puppy again and she's running into cactuses, cacti. And she's running into cacti full speed in the middle of the desert. Well, get ready for both you and your pup to be obsessed. Head to ollie.com riddle Tell them all about your dog and use code riddle to get 70% off your welcome kit. When you subscribe today. Plus, they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's Ollie o l l I e.com riddle and enter code Riddle R I D Neoli to get 70% off your first box. Isn't that right, Lou? I thought she would bark on cue. That would have been so awesome if she had barked. You didn't, though. You didn't, though, Louis.

[B]

Okay, Adol. Aaron. I've seen the movie. I've read the book. I'm all about project Hail Mary nowadays. And I don't want to brag, but I have actually built something that is pretty cool and kind of relates to a sponsor of the show. If you know where I'm going, I

[C]

have a friend here.

[B]

So this is Adol. This is Rockette. Rockette Money. This is Rockette Money.

[A]

He like the app that I love.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

[C]

Yeah, I had a subscription. Speak of the devil. I had a subscription to the Rockettes at Radio City Music hall, and I was losing money hand over legs. And thank God Rocket Money caught it.

[B]

And don't mention hands and legs around rock at money, because he doesn't have kind of. Don't worry about it, buddy. Look, all you need to know is that you didn't get your name from the app. You're your own guy. I love you. I found you in space. And Rocket Money has automatic transaction categorization across accounts, plus customizable categories and tags to reveal spending patterns. You can save for, like, a big event, like it helped me save for my wedding celebration. Or you can use it to set budgets and goals, which is something that I love setting. And I use it daily, weekly, monthly for that as well.

[A]

It has canceled so many unwanted subscriptions, it has saved users over 880 million in canceled subscriptions. I know we're always signing up for free trials for things and forgetting it, and they're hoping that you're not going to notice. But, you know who notices? Rocket Money. And they go, not on our watch.

[C]

Yeah, Rocket Money is like a. A good wingman at a bar who's like, whoa, you're not buying two old fashions. You're buying one.

[B]

And don't worry, buddy. I'm not going to forget about you when this ad's over. I'm going to. We're going to be really good friends from space because we were in space together. So it's not going to be a situation where I'm not going to forget about you.

[C]

Hey, Aaron, that's just a rock with eyes drawn on, right?

[A]

Yeah, I see the same thing you see.

[B]

Plus, you can set automated savings goals in rocket money. So you can grow towards goals with adjustable amounts and frequencies. You can set it and forget it with rocket money.

[C]

Whoa, guys, look. That rock is starting to float in the air. Let rocket money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] Riddle that's RocketMoney.com Riddle RocketMoney.com Riddle It's.

[A]

It's real.

[C]

I love you, Daddy. Oh, GPC, guys.

[B]

I was doing that. I was doing that with my. With my mouth. I'm just, I'm holding it.

[C]

Oh. Oh, yeah. There's a hand on the rock.

[B]

Well, well, well. Aaron, can I ask my speech impediment when I was a kid, I think I want to say maybe it was like fourth grade or fifth grade when I finally got over it, but I had to do speech pathology to.

[C]

Oh my God, it's coming back. His impediment used to be that he would linger on the end of a word.

[B]

Yeah. I used to make all my words curl like Dr. Seuss tails. I used to not say my Rs. Pronounce my Rs very well. And every once in a while, I will, like, do it. I won't even say it, but I'll hear myself think it. I'll think in the W instead of the R. What was your speech impediment?

[A]

I had two. I had a lisp and I had a little bit of a stutter, especially in reading. It would show up when I would read and yeah, I did speech pathology classes. My sister is a speech pathologist and we joked that she went into it because I was driving her so insane with my mumble mouth.

[C]

Growing up, it's like I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through.

[A]

Yeah, I still. Sometimes with reading out loud, I have. I'm. It's been hard. I'm getting over it with like riddle stuff. Like sometimes in episodes, it's hard. And then in live shows and with world news during the. When I would read the

[B]

newspaper articles.

[A]

Newspaper articles. Thank you. When I'd read the articles that people had pulled, I would. Sometimes it would happen and that would make me very nervous. Shout out to that table of people who laughed at me that thought I was joking. And then they went beet red when they realized I wasn't.

[B]

I did a. I used to do a thing when I was a kid where I would just avoid using words that I knew had Rs in them, like at the beginning or the end of the word. I'd just be like, okay, just that word. That's off limits for you now. You don't. You don't say that one anymore.

[A]

When I was a kid also, I had huge tonsils, and I ended up having to get out. So I literally sound. I was like. Like, when I was, like, no one could understand me. And the fact that I talk for a living is so crazy. Yeah. Very muppety.

[B]

I think I'm gonna go outside and climb one of those big wood uplongs in the yard. In the. Not yard. Can't say yard. In the.

[A]

What's uplong?

[B]

A wooden uplong. I'm gonna go climb a wooden uplong. Hope I don't get SAP on my hands. Man, I'm great at not using ours now.

[A]

There you go. Wait a minute.

[C]

Well, my little yogurt and Miss Meatballs, let's.

[B]

Which one am I?

[C]

I think you're Yogurt, right?

[B]

Damn. I wanted to be Ms. Meatballs. Always a bride, never a bridesmaid.

[C]

Always a meatball, never a ragu. Okay, here's another riddle. When is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside?

[B]

Pass on the inside makes me think of fart.

[A]

Can you read it again? The beginning part of it?

[C]

When is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside? Typically, if you're going somewhere and you're using some sort of mode of transportation, you pass on the outside. This would be the polite way. When is it polite to overtake or pass on the inside?

[B]

Is it when there's, like, an accident on the road? Because I know if there's, like, an accident and it is on the left lane, you have to pass on the right.

[A]

But that feels too literal for riddle.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

A bike when it's. When you're passing a secret. When you're passing,

[B]

does it say pass or overtake? Adol.

[C]

Or did you pass or overtake?

[B]

Okay, so because, like, if you're going to pass gas, you actually kind of want to do go outside to do that, right?

[C]

Boy, jpc, you are really hung up on that.

[B]

I mean, when your wife makes you fart outside 30 yards from the house, that's. I mean, is that crazy?

[C]

Should I say neighbors are like, this guy goes, this guy's smoking 80 to 90 times a day. But I never See a cigarette in his

[B]

passing. Passing or overtaking on the outside. And it's polite. Is it like a. I'm trying to think of like a sport where that would like track and field maybe, or racing.

[A]

That's probably good thinking.

[C]

Can we have a hint when you

[B]

put your turn signal on?

[C]

This is most. Maybe not most, typically, depending on what sort of suburb you grew up in. I guess the times I've done this, the most have been inside castles. If I'm like touring a castle, what

[B]

suburbs do you grew up in?

[C]

Well, I guess depending on how. Tony. A neighborhood you grew up in. The most times I've done this is in a castle. When being around Europe. But for other people it might be

[B]

like, oh, that was the only castle we had in my neighborhood was White Castle. And that actually probably true.

[C]

Probably true. Oh, a crave case would hit the spot. Aaron, you ever have a crave case?

[A]

No, but I wish businessmen brought those to work instead of briefcases.

[C]

Work. Buy, sell, buy, sell. And just opens up a big area.

[A]

Let's. Okay. Is it?

[B]

I remember my dad bringing home a crave case once when we were kids and us being like, oh, my God, we're going to have four burgers and

[C]

then two hours later, oh, we're all ruined. Our insides are ruined.

[B]

When you're a kid, though, you can eat fucking anything. Like you could. You could pack away White Castle when you're like 10 years old and you're like, it's just to affect me.

[C]

There's a reason adults don't eat lunchables, I guess.

[B]

Yeah, they won't sell them, Aaron. On the list.

[A]

Yeah, right. Not.

[C]

We all agree adults don't eat lunchables.

[A]

They don't eat pizza lunchables for breakfast. That's not enough nutrition for the day.

[C]

Adults don't eat those pizza lunchables that are cold marinara on a cold marinara cracker. With cold cheese.

[A]

With cold cheese. Yeah.

[C]

Adults don't do that with a little red stick that substitutes as a knife.

[A]

Adults don't do that. Adults don't also have those for lunch and dinner as well.

[B]

You know what adults can do, though? They can buy toaster strudels, take out all the icing, and go return the toaster strudels and be like, I didn't actually want these. Impulse buy. Didn't want them. Don't open the box.

[C]

Oh, toaster strudels are so good. What is it more polite to pass or overtake on the inside? So this is something I've mostly done in castles.

[A]

Spiral staircase.

[C]

Aaron, when passing someone on a spiral staircase. On a spiral staircase where the insides are narrower and hence harder to climb.

[A]

I would like to see a scene.

[B]

What?

[A]

Adol, you are some sort of old castle y henchman type thing. And you're holding a candle, a knife thing. No, no, no. You know what I mean. Like one of those.

[C]

Like the porter.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And you are leading JPC to his room at the top of the castle while holding a candle. And JPC, you're getting pretty dizzy.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And just 18 more flights to go. Of course. We go up here. Our trailbows.

[B]

Why is this at an angle? Why is it starting to be at an angle?

[C]

Yes, of course. That's because when the Goths tried to ransack this castle with their arrows, they almost succeeded. So we modified it to where everything is at a slight angle so arrows can't harm.

[B]

Why'd you do that?

[C]

I'm drunk. What's your excuse?

[B]

Do you have.

[C]

It's getting tighter, right?

[B]

Yeah, it's like. It feels like a Willy Wonka. As. Do you have. Is there like a ground floor room on the castle that I could. Because we're just here for the night,

[C]

you know those are all showrooms, all the bedrooms and the ground floor. Those are for weddings. We're trying to sell the place. So we've had it staged. So we bake cookies. Always bake cookies.

[B]

How are we heading down? We were just heading up. How are we now heading down?

[C]

We're sort of an MC Escher situation. Okay. I'm upside down, Mom. And we keep going. Follow me.

[B]

You just split into two guys.

[C]

Who me? Which one are you pointing at? I didn't do it.

[B]

She did. I'm pointing at both. I have two hands.

[C]

One of us always lies and one of us always lies.

[B]

It's Spider man style.

[A]

Pardon me. I'm just passing by.

[B]

That person's walking on the underside of the stairs. Yes.

[C]

That person died 10 minutes ago on this very night.

[B]

What?

[A]

What? I killed her seed.

[B]

God, I love stairs. I love stairs. I don't think I. I don't think I've been on a spiral staircase in. I'm trying to remember the last time I possibly would have. Oh, I had a friend who had a. One of those apartments with two floors in. Sounds fancy, but it was a small place with two floors. But they had a small spiral staircase that I went up once and I was like, oh, I would not want one of these in my home.

[C]

I can. Like cast iron. I can.

[A]

Oh, those are so scary.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And they had a little dog who was not afraid of it at all. And I was like, I would be. And their bathroom was down the stairs. Their bedroom was upstairs and their bathroom was down the stairs. I was like, no, I'd be pissing in bottles. I do that anyway.

[C]

But I'd be falling down the stairs in the middle of the night for sure. Here's another riddle. A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk.

[A]

Good for him.

[C]

Thank you. Sorry, I'm just reading headlines. A completely naked man robs a newspaper kiosk and then runs off into the crowd. The police are unable to find him and all the witnesses have trouble describing him. Explain why.

[B]

Waldo.

[C]

Yeah, it's Waldo.

[B]

Great.

[C]

And people can't see Waldo.

[B]

Well, Waldo without his clothes on looks completely different, you know?

[C]

Yeah, it looks like the lead singer of Dottie Freyer. What's that? Icelandic band?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

What is that?

[B]

This is a naked person.

[C]

A crazy naked man robs a newspaper kiosk and then runs off into the crowd. The police are unable to find him and all the witnesses have trouble describing him.

[B]

Is it one of those things where he has some feature? He's got a big red baboon ass. And the only thing that people see cause he's naked is this big red ass. And so then they're like. They're like, what did he look like? And they're like, I got a big red ass.

[C]

Baboon ass.

[B]

What did his face look like? And they're like, I don't know. And they're like, what race was he? And they're like, baboon. I don't. I mean, he had a big adol. Is it that? Is it big red ass?

[A]

Is he a person?

[C]

He is a person.

[A]

And he.

[C]

And it's not red ass.

[A]

And he came out wearing the newspapers.

[C]

Oh, that's a great guess.

[A]

As camouflage.

[C]

That's a great guess. But that is not the answer. But that is. I really like that guess. I saw a six foot one pile of newspapers blow by.

[A]

Yeah. Six foot one.

[B]

Is this like a hollow man situation where he's invisible because he's naked? Or like a Kell from Mystery Men

[A]

or all the buildings around it look like naked flesh. So he's sort of blending in.

[C]

These are my favorite wrong answers I've ever heard. Thank you for ranking your guesses in order of how good the movie is, because the new Elizabeth Masa Hollow man is quite good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Mystery Men. No slack. I'd give that a B plus.

[B]

I like A mystery man.

[C]

Yeah, I like the mystery man.

[B]

Hank Azaria. Ben Stiller.

[C]

Flesh colored buildings. Aaron, I want to see it.

[A]

That seems pretty gross.

[C]

Okay, maybe like Santa Fe.

[B]

Hey, Adol, Is it important that he's robbing a newspaper kiosk? Is that, like, part of the answer?

[C]

That is not important. I would say the completely naked man part is important. And the fact that he runs off into the crowd is important. And the fact that they're not able to find him is important. And the fact that the witnesses have no trouble describing him is important.

[B]

Is this like a. Is he at like a nudist convention or a nude beach or something like that?

[C]

Jpc, My dear boy, you've done it.

[B]

Wait, but so wait, wasn't part of it that people had trouble describing him?

[C]

Yeah, because I think. I think the mind is like, oh, a completely naked man. If he in New York, grabbed a newspaper, ran away, we should all be able to be like. We would immediately all stare at that person.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But I think in a news colony, you see a nude person run by, nobody gives a second thought.

[B]

Yeah. And also, eyewitness testimony is terribly unreliable. Our memories are fallible. Also, why narc on a guy for stealing papers? Who did he hurt? Also, thank you.

[C]

I would like to see a scene. This is Aaron. You're from Boston.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

What are some of the original colonies

[A]

in the U.S. like, original?

[C]

Yeah. Virginia. Massachusetts.

[A]

Was.

[C]

Massachusetts.

[B]

Paprika, salt.

[A]

What's that place in, like, Roanoke?

[C]

Roanoke, where everybody disappeared? This is the lost colony of Roanoke. Pre.

[B]

Lost. Pre. Lost can still get you pregnant.

[C]

Thank you. And this is. The two of you are members of the lost colony of Roanoke. And Aaron, today is the day you are suggesting that things maybe become a little looser in terms of clothing in the colony.

[A]

Okay. It's hot, right, guys? It's like, oof. I'm like, doing all this. Like I'm cutting all this wood and stuff to make buildings. And build buildings. It's like, hot.

[C]

Tis warm. Yes. I might take off my wool vest. Of course. Take off my wool jacket to take off the vest and put the wool jacket back on. Then my wool gloves.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

It doesn't feel like enough, though, for modesty, Samuel. For modesty.

[C]

For modesty. For the Lord watches over us all.

[A]

Yeah. But that's why we're here is religious freedom. Huh. We're sort of the fun ones.

[B]

Common misconception. Our religion is so odious that we got kicked out of England. And we don't want religious freedom as much as we want freedom to Practice our weird religion and no other religions.

[C]

Yes, yes. But we are Samuel. We are the fun ones. So let me tell a joke. A man goes into a church and worships. Worships.

[B]

Excellent joke.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Back to work, I should say.

[A]

Or I never stopped. I mean, like, we're all surprising ourselves. We didn't know. We didn't know that we could make it over here. Having us all live. Right.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm sort of feeling more alive than ever before. Grateful for the time we have left.

[C]

Yes. My wife mentioned that the other night. She heard you. I don't mean to speak in the devil's tongue. Tapping your toes.

[A]

Yeah. I thought maybe. I don't know. I heard dancing could be fun.

[C]

Dancing?

[A]

I thought maybe we could put our.

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm behind the eight ball here. What? What is dancing?

[A]

Sort of when you move to the rhythm.

[B]

Oh, witchcraft. Witchcraft. Got it.

[C]

Oh, witchcraft.

[B]

I know exactly what we're talking about. Moving to the rhythm. Witchcraft. Got it.

[C]

To clear the air. To clear the air. Let me tell a quick joke. Two pious men get into heaven.

[A]

Good one.

[C]

Elevate a body.

[B]

Prepare people for. A joke like that is a little

[A]

bit of a walk, so bear with me. What if we. In order to get into our homes, for safety and modesty, we created these little things that are shaped specifically to everyone's door. That you have to put it in the door and turn it in order to unlock the door so you can get into your own home. And then you carry that around with you. And then what if on Fridays we put all of those things into a bowl?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And everyone picked something, one of those things I. Out of that bowl. And then you sleep with whoever you got that thing from.

[C]

Like a thing party is what we'll call it.

[A]

Yeah, a thing party. And you have relations.

[B]

Yeah, we do thing parties. Have you.

[A]

Donna.

[B]

Have you never been invited to a thing party?

[A]

Wait, are you guys having thing parties?

[C]

Hundo pee.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I wanted to sleep with your wife so bad. I want to go.

[B]

Same girl.

[C]

Get in line, baby.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Let's see. Okay, here we go. Racing driver Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing. Why not? Racing driver Ramon. Oh, sorry. What'd you say?

[B]

No, no. He's in the hospital for six months.

[C]

Racing driver Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing. Why not?

[B]

Is it because he's in a coma and he can't consider anything that is

[C]

a fantastic guess but no that is not it.

[B]

Oh man. I, I, I was honestly I was hoping it wouldn't be that but I kind of had to just guess I had to try.

[C]

Coma's always on the table.

[B]

He never considered and it's not because he's not considering it because he's incapable of considering it. He's choosing not to consider it.

[C]

Okay yeah he's choosing not to and yeah yeah can you read it again? Healthy and left afterwards racing driver Ramon Ricard had a terrible accident at Daytona. It left him in the hospital for six months. Surprisingly, he never once considered giving up racing. Why not?

[B]

Did he just was he walking down the stairs at Daytona and tripped and fell? JPC had nothing to do with racing.

[C]

JBC would you believe it's because he fell down some stairs.

[A]

I would like to see a scene what a stair riddle. JPC this is you pre race okay And Adol you're going to be an interviewer and JPC you're trying to save face after you've gotten injured before the

[B]

race even started okay got it.

[C]

Mr. Yogare we're all very excited to see you race today.

[B]

Huh Have a say man. Oh I'm just gonna go out there and track do my best and if into the payment and get a great team.

[C]

We all saw you got a great

[B]

team behind me initially moments ago your

[C]

head smacks pretty hard.

[B]

Oh definitely it's yeah I mean weather conditions are perfect out there so it's not even a minute mat and if you does poop say the word and

[C]

I can call in a doctor they're they're right here they're ready to go in but we don't want they're gonna

[B]

have to call in doctor after I get on the track because burning up so much and having time my life out there and it and oh and I gotta give it up to my sponsor points to my hair. Big pot. Big pot of chicken.

[C]

Big pile of chicken.

[B]

Hey man it's nice it's really nice to meet your acquaintance and I saw nothing to be the fan and have a nice time on the race time

[A]

hey man you got to be honest about what you can do out there. Okay, I'll send in your backup but you just gotta be honest what you

[B]

can do Put me behind the wheels of that car and I'll get out and push it if I have to get across the fishing line so it's

[A]

not an even is it all these jitters or Are you hurt?

[B]

You know what? I probably had. It's because what I did was I had a coffee earlier today, so I was just. Is caffeine working? Say I have my system, but as soon as I get on the road, everything's gonna mellow out. And zoom in with Pastor Cheney.

[C]

You keep looking down and presumably talking to someone you think you see. Could you tell us who you think you see?

[B]

It's Greg Gazoo. He was Fred Flintstone's friend, and now he's my friend. He's gonna help me race today. And it's a really great day to race with Greg Gazou, who's a friend. Flintstones character. And it's not that. And he's not great Gazoo. And I don't know who it is, and I don't know what's going on, but I do know I'm born and raised and cars are fast on the track.

[C]

And Mr. Yogurt, we have a surprise. We have brought in right here, we have your wife who just wanted to give you a big kiss before the race.

[B]

Okay. And I'm gonna plant a big kiss right on the mouth. And I don't even give a.

[A]

Not me. Not me. Not me.

[B]

Not me. Run and start. Oh, it always.

[A]

I'm your brother. I'm your brother.

[C]

I'm your brother.

[B]

Always nice to meet a fan. Always nice to be the fan of this. Nice. And toss through your hair, big pot of chicken, and let's get in the car. Kiss my wife on the road.

[C]

He's getting in the refrigerator.

[A]

He's getting in the refrigerator.

[C]

It does sound like something started.

[A]

Oh, my God, he's going so fast.

[C]

Just the fridge. Racing around the track.

[B]

What was that old, like, Hanna Barbera cartoon with the, like, Wacky.

[C]

Wacky Racers, All Star Racers or. Yeah. Yes. Wacky. Was it Wacky Racers? Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. It feels like something like that. From that. Where there would be a person who gets into a fridge and, like, races around there.

[C]

Yes. Where it was, like, Grape Ape and I don't remember. Snidely Whiplash.

[B]

And the other guy was Snidely Whiplash from that. Is Snidely Whiplash the one that would tie you onto a train track?

[C]

Here's the thing.

[B]

Uh.

[C]

Oh, I can't remember. You're 100% right in terms of describing one of the people. I can't remember if the guy with the mustache who was, like, the evil train track guy, if he was Snidely Whiplash or if his dog was Snidely Whiplash. Because he had a dog who was like evil and would cover his mouth and go.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

I can't remember which was which.

[B]

Is that Dudley Do Right? That's Dudley Do Right?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

Thank you for joining us on this episode of what the Fuck Are They Talking About From a thousand years ago.

[C]

Fuck. Aaron hasn't seen any Hanna Barbera.

[A]

No.

[C]

You gotta watch Wacky Races or whatever.

[A]

I will.

[B]

It's really fun. I guess I remember it from Cartoon Network, I think, when I was a kid where they would play like just old shit, right? Like, this was from the 60s, right?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. They play a lot of old stuff. And then they'd play like Space Ghost or Sealab. And it was like old shit but also made new. Aaron, one of my favorite Hanna Barbera cartoons was a large gentleman called Grape Ape. Do you want to guess what his catchphrase was?

[A]

Could I be a smaller ape, please? Am I close?

[B]

Was it kiss my big red ass, I'm stealing these newspapers?

[C]

Would you believe it was Grape Ape?

[A]

Oh, that's all he said, Just his name.

[C]

It's sort of a Groot situation.

[A]

Class Pokemon.

[B]

Like a proto Pokemon?

[C]

Like a proto Pokemon, Yeah.

[B]

Should we do.

[C]

Should we do a voicemail?

[B]

Yeah, I'd love that. Today I'm writing to you from the dear near future. Thanks. Here haven't exactly been super but while I could bitterly blab about the burning earth and blame billionaire losers instead I digress to discuss something lunar See something occurring in the post nuclear confusion. He JP Riddles devised a solution. A space shuttle built with glue and used Q tips. And now his raccoon moon colony is booming. We've just heard word from their communication station. They've made a breakthrough innovation. They get blazed and play Beyblade for recreation and claim they've eliminated all anger and frustration. And if you'd like to join them for a little bit of fun, then in 2031 dial 1805. Riddle dle 1.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

That was incredible.

[B]

That was. Yeah. I also love putting the number in there so I don't have to. That was another one from Jesse bloodgoodgood. I feel like we've had like five from Jesse. Thank you so much for submitting. And hey, if you've never submitted before, now is your fucking time. Don't let Jesse Bludgood do all the submissions. HRRpodcastmail.com 30 seconds or less as a wav file. Hey, Clue crew. My partner of 10 years and I are getting married and we're having trouble Trying to figure out a venue. We kind of narrowed it down to either the zoo or an aquarium. So I would love your thoughts on where we should have our wedding venue. So thank you. Have a good day.

[C]

First of all, congratulations. That's outstanding.

[A]

Congratulations.

[C]

Congratulations. Second of all, it sounds like they are lovers of creatures.

[B]

Sounds like they're lovers of each other. First.

[C]

First and foremost, my apologies. Would a petting zoo be nuts? Because that way. Here's the thing. If I got married at a zoo or an aquarium or something, I think the whole time I would be like, the animals being around us is neat, but I want to touch them.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I feel like a petting zoo allows you to do that and your. Your friends and family. So I would say maybe a petting zoo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The idea of a zoo is awesome. I remember when I was in eighth grade, we did, like, a zoo lock in and we slept. The place where we slept in the zoo was in, like, the dolphin enclosure. And dolphins don't sleep. So the dolphins, like, all night were just, like, in the last.

[C]

Dolphins don't sleep.

[B]

They don't really sleep. They, like, go into, like, a quasi sleep mode where they're, like, still playing and laughing and whatever. So it's. Yeah, it's. They.

[C]

They do that asleep.

[B]

They do, like, low power mode because from where they're from, if you go to sleep, like, a shark will just eat you, you know? So, yeah, I feel like, always be, like, moving. But if you could do your wedding ceremony in a dolphin show and maybe have, like, a dolphin marry you or like the. You ask for the rings and the dolphins come out of the water and they've got the rings on their little bottlenose snouts or whatever. I mean, that's. Come on.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Ooh. I. Here's my. My one bit of advice of something to consider. I'd say consider the smell.

[B]

Consider the coconut. Consider its leaves.

[A]

Consider the least Moana.

[B]

The island gives us what we need. Aaron.

[A]

And no one leaves the. I just think, also, I do think an aquarium will photograph better.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Like, I think that will look more beautiful. And I also think it will smell a little bit better than a zoo. But if you have an aversion to fish smells, maybe avoid the aquarium. But I vote aquarium or petting zoo. Like cattle said.

[C]

Is an aquarium going to wreak havoc on people's. On, like, people's hair?

[B]

Yeah. Or is that going to dunk it? You think they're going to dunk it

[C]

because everyone's going to try and talk to the Fish. Right.

[B]

Here's the other thing. You know what? We're all making great points. Why don't you get married in front of a green screen and then you can get married wherever you want. Oh yeah, we were married on the frickin moon.

[A]

You can change your mind all the time. You can change your mind all the time about where you got married. It can be zoo, aquarium, zoo, aquarium, zoo, aquarium. Every anniversary, change where it was.

[B]

Solved.

[C]

You got married during the Coen brothers,

[B]

Big Lebowski, Big red, solved stamp. We need that for every voicemail from now on.

[A]

Solved. Solved.

[C]

You've been solved.

[B]

Let's see. Aaron, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Oh, before we get into individual plugs, I wanted to remind everyone that it's Penguin baseball league on the patreon and all of our new merch all of our new Penguin baseball league merch is available now in the episode description. Just click the link for our dashery store and you can get five new teams. Great merch from Ariel Sinha.

[A]

Awesome stuff, gorgeous. Love jbc. You were just saying that. You say this every year, but I think this year has my favorite designs.

[C]

Go ahead, Aaron. Anything to plug or promote.

[A]

Check out quality time. It's a show I host here in Los Angeles with two very fun, talented people. It's a real variety show and I'm really proud of it. So you can find us on Instagram and see when our next date is coming up. Adel, anything to plug or promote?

[C]

Yes. Check out the Word association podcast. You can also find hello from the Magic Tavern. Wherever you listen to podcasts and gumshoes and dragons, please check that out as well. Gpc. Anything to plug or promote.

[B]

Yeah, I gotta read a review. So this one is a five star review from Looks like a cinnamon roll. Great name called get away while you still can. JPC is forcing me to write this review. He said it doesn't matter what is said, so I'll say it. For all the Hayward and Riddle fans and quotes out there, this podcast is the worst. I'm addicted to Aaron Slaff adol's puns and JPC's characters. I hate listening to riddles and randomly say groceries and adoles voice for no reason. This podcast has cussed me. I think that. I think that should be cursed because I never cussed you, motherfucker. I'm stuck in riddle land and there's not a white rabbit to help me out. Just little monkey bones and Uncle Santa. Don't make the same mistake we all did. And binge every single episode of this podcast and sing the same song in public. You will lose your sanity with all your friends. This was your warning.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Looks like a cinnamon roll. That's a fun name.

[A]

Cute. Cute. Well, hot dogs.

[B]

Well, that's the old hot dogs, man. Starring Aaron Keith and John Patrick Cohen. Casey Tony did the editing. Logo created by emily cardamus and emily naporus. Hey there, Yetis and floofs. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. We have James Dugan on for a penguin baseball league documentary. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyriddlevrittle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Hitgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us now on Headgum.

[A]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

We're gonna go episode. Gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[C]

Yeah. Are we gonna cry?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Little bit.

[B]

Are we gonna laugh a lot? A whole lot.

[C]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.