#407: Amish Venom

Summary

Hey Riddle Riddle #407: "Amish Venom" (May 6, 2026) — Detailed Episode Summary

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of Hey Riddle Riddle, featuring Adal Rifai, Erin Keif, and John Patrick Coan (JPC), resumes its typical blend of riddles, improvisational comedy, and offbeat banter. The hosts riff on podcast inside jokes, meme culture (especially around "Venom"), and increasingly absurd character scenes, all while attempting (occasionally) to solve actual riddles. Expect digressions into comic books, Amish life, cheese, and the existential plight of secondary actors.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Bits: "Imposter Business" and 'Amish Venom' (00:37–04:15)

• The hosts play with workplace lingo ("important business" vs. "imposter business" vs. "casual business").
• Running jokes about identity and impostor syndrome morph into a riff on the "Venom" character taking over one's body — and then, improbably, an "Amish Venom" bit.
• Notable Quote (Adal):
  "There was someone taking over my body for several years, but we worked that out." (01:16)

2. Fanbase Nickname Debate (05:00–06:12)

• The trio nostalgically recall previous attempts at naming the show's fans: Rydiots, Future Lizards, Clue Crew, etc.
• Propose a crowdsourced poll to finally choose a "fan community" name, open to all listeners via Patreon.
• Memorable plan (JPC):
  "We'll take like the 10 best options and put up an official poll...and then whatever name you choose, that's the name we will abide." (05:21)

3. "Amish Venom" Tangent (06:12–07:13)

• Erin googles "Amish Venom," prompting a surreal factoid: both rattlesnakes and Amish "can't regulate how much poison they pump into you when they bite you."
• Launch into layered Venom voices and fanfic implications.

4. Comic Book Culture & Romantasy (07:39–11:41)

• Erin talks about reading Ms. Fury (a noir-style female-led comic) and recommends detective cat comic Blacksad.
• The group discusses the modern phenomenon of fanfiction morphing into published "Romantasy" — e.g., Fourth Wing, Kylo Ren/Rey-inspired fiction.
• Notable Quote (Erin):
  "As a Tumblr girl, it has been really blowing my mind what has become of fanfiction now. It is a pipeline." (10:09)

Fanfiction, Jack Reacher, and Writing Projects (11:41–15:16)

• JPC’s wife is a "Tumblr/fanfic girl" and he vows to write (and record) a Jack Reacher fanfic after finishing the 30+ book series.
• Funny Passage Read-Aloud:
  JPC reads a rambling description from a Jack Reacher novel about closing a car trunk, riffing on excessive word count for comic effect.
  Quote (JPC):
  "That is describing closing a trunk." (21:29)

5. Extended Scenes & Skits

• Improvised scene: A numbers-themed bar with personified numbers flirting, featuring references to the joke "seven ate nine." (16:21–19:41)
• Venom improv: Erin returns from Rumspringa as "Amish Venom," with inner monologue provided by JPC (25:29–28:36).
• Dickensian word salad: Adal plays Charles Dickens in a verbose relationship spat (22:34–24:34).
• Raccoon domestic drama: The group improvises a soap-opera-style break-up between raccoons living in suburbia (57:14–59:40).

6. Riddles and Answers

1. Figure Eight Riddle (16:03–16:19)

• Riddle: "My head and my tail are both equal and my middle is as slender as can be..."
  Answer: The number 8.

2. Plowed But Never Planted (15:45–39:15)

• Many misfires (trench, joke answers). The correct answer:
  Answer: Snow ("plowed but never planted").
• Spirals into discussions about the Karen Read trial and Boston accents.

3. Mr. Smith’s Daily Eggs (51:00–55:07)

• Riddle: How does Mr. Smith eat two eggs every day without buying, stealing, or receiving them, and without owning chickens? Answer: Duck eggs (he has ducks).
  The hosts also riff on caviar and animal trivia.

4. Letter "B" Riddle (47:09–47:24)

• Riddle: "I can make oil boil. What am I?" Answer: The letter 'B' (making "boil" out of "oil").

7. Side Tangents & Memorable Discussions

Amish Cheese & Dietary Notes (36:11–37:46)

• JPC raves about Amish cheese from Indiana markets: "I remember being a kid and just like taking a little butter knife and just like slicing off Amish cheese." (36:55)
• Dietary habits of the hosts surface briefly.

Actors’ Careers, Mini Driver’s Recent Work (43:05–46:47)

• The group discusses the trajectory of actors’ careers and obscure IMDb credits.
• Discover that Minnie Driver stars in an unusual miniseries, "Faithful: Women of the Bible," prompting tangents about the stability of actor incomes.

8. Listener Voicemail & Parenting Advice (60:41–63:58)

• Listener wonders if their baby, exposed to the podcast in utero, will recognize the hosts' voices — and asks for first-time parenting advice.
• JPC and Erin give genuine, contemporary parenting tips.
• Quote (JPC):
  "Just kind of, you gotta have to hold on. I would say don't do what you remember your parents doing...familiarize yourself with what current research says." (62:52)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Adal (on "Amish Venom"):
  "Can we please write and produce Amish Venom, please?" (03:41)

• JPC (reading from Jack Reacher):
  "That is describing closing a trunk." (21:29)

• Erin (on fanfiction):
  "As a Tumblr girl, it has been really blowing my mind what has become of fanfiction now." (10:10)

• JPC (on actor careers):
  "You hit the jackpot when you see 244 episodes of a USA show that you’ve never heard of before. And you’re like—yay, they’re fine!" (44:25)

• Raccoon Scene (absurd domestic squabble):
  "I collect eggs. Duck. I killed ducks for us here—doesn’t even matter!" (58:09)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Amish Venom Voices Begin: 01:31, 03:33, 06:12
• Fanbase Naming Discussion: 02:15–05:59
• Venom/Fanfic/Romantasy Chat: 07:13–11:41
• Jack Reacher Word Count Skit: 20:07–21:42
• First Major Riddle (Figure Eight): 16:03–16:19
• Improvised "Numbers Bar" Scene: 16:21–19:41
• Charles Dickens Word Salad Scene: 22:34–24:30
• Amish Cheese Discussion: 36:11–37:46
• "Plowed but Never Planted" Riddle: 15:45–39:15
• "Letter B" Riddle: 47:09–47:24
• Raccoon Suburb Drama Scene: 57:14–59:40
• Listener Voicemail & Parenting Advice: 60:41–63:58

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Flow & Tone

The episode is 85% improvisational play, absurdist humor, and meta-podcasting. Banter is playful, punctuated by vocal bit characters, obscure media riffs, and hosts riffing on one another’s odd personal trivia. Riddles are consistently upstaged by improvised scenes and meme callbacks, in keeping with the show’s self-deprecating tagline: “If you don’t like riddles, don’t worry! This podcast is barely about them!”

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For Listeners: Key Takeaways

• Expect few riddles, but many surreal character scenes — especially "Amish Venom," numbers going on bar dates, and raccoons with complicated marital issues.
• The hosts delight in derailments: Marvel character improv, literary parodies, IMDb deep-dives, and odd internet phenomena.
• Occasional moments of sincerity shine through (parenting advice, genuine book recs), lightly satire-wrapped.
• Community engagement: Listeners are encouraged to help finally decide the fanbase nickname.
• Signature quote for posterity:
  "No one wants to go on a date with a woman that's infinity. I'm too intimidating." (19:17, Adal/as 'infinity')

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Overall, Episode #407 is characteristically zany, packed with deep-cut pop culture riffs, candid host dynamics, and just enough riddles to justify (barely) the title. It’s a prime example of Hey Riddle Riddle’s tone: if you want riddles, you’ll get shenanigans; if you want shenanigans, you’ll get an abundance.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgun podcast.

[B]

The doctor was the mother. He stood on a block of ice. Both of them were goldfish. It was the cabin of an airplane. He stabbed him with an ice ray. And the horses ain't Friday.

[C]

Aaron, jpc. I have some important business to discuss.

[A]

Okay. Amazing. Let me get the paperwork out.

[B]

Okay. If it's important business.

[A]

Imposter business. Ah, important business. All right, here we go.

[B]

I should probably change into my business clothes. I'm sorry. I wasn't dressed for important business.

[C]

This could be sorry. Let's have it be casual business.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[A]

Totally different paperwork.

[C]

Kind of different Hawaiian shirts and khakis.

[B]

I will wear my casual suit, AKA my birthday suit.

[A]

Casualty business. Casual business. All right. Ready?

[C]

Okay. What was our imposter news again?

[B]

How are our casualty numbers?

[A]

Our imposter news was there was someone taking over my body for several years, but we worked that out. And then our casualty news. You don't want to know.

[B]

Oh, okay, great. When you say you worked it out, you and you and they. They worked it out. You worked it out together, the two of you.

[A]

I don't remember.

[C]

Sort of a venom situation.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Aaron,

[A]

clear your throat, man.

[B]

New character for the show. New character for the show. Aaron Vitam.

[C]

Eren, we should get pizza.

[A]

All right, let me try. Eren, we should get pizza.

[B]

Aaron, talk about piss on the podcast.

[A]

Aaron, talk about piss on the podcast.

[C]

What was yours is actually handsome. Make your move.

[A]

Casual news. All right. Clicks pen what was the news?

[C]

I think. And unless. Hey, I could be. I'm a forgetful dude. I'm the opposite of whatever an elephant is.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

I don't think we've ever officially. Have we ever officially said what our fans are called. Are they Rydiots? Are they officially Rydiots?

[B]

I think future lizards. Future lizards.

[C]

Tossed out there at some point.

[B]

I think I have a document somewhere that I have because I always forget. Let's see if I have it still. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

Adult. The short answer can't find it, is we quite often run our mouth on this show.

[B]

That's literally the whole show.

[A]

We drop them. We make big declarations. I think at one point we were gonna try to buy the Nyx, and then we dropped that pretty instantaneously.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[C]

Doesn't sound right.

[A]

We've changed our minds a thousand times. It was Kevin's and Susie's.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

It was Future Lizards. Rydiots. Clue Crew. And then I think that they turned 18 and defected from us and Named themselves and so now I don't know.

[C]

Gotcha. What's that? Yeah, what's that called when people leave to become their own parents or whatever?

[B]

Rum Springer. Aaron, It's Rubber Springer.

[C]

Amish Venom.

[A]

No, we don't have the time. Anybody stop standing up. We don't have the time.

[C]

Aaron. Aaron, please. Aaron, I was wrong about buying the Knicks. Can we please write and produce Amish Venom, please?

[B]

Casey, I'm so sorry. I just saw. I saw what Amish Venom does to my audio. And I am so sorry, my man. I should back off the mic when I do Amish Venom.

[A]

All right, Adol. But then we're dropped. Then we can't buy the Knicks if we do Amish Venom. Adult that. We can't buy the Knicks.

[C]

Aaron, did you know that stilts used to be considered a parlor game? Churn that butter, Eren.

[B]

If we can churn butter, we can churn Dr. Pepper. Aaron.

[C]

Oh, man. Wait, what were we talking about?

[A]

I haven't been conscious for a full hour. I have. You guys, I. I'm having a. I haven't had my coffee yet.

[C]

Don't talk to me. I've had my Amish run up.

[B]

I walked. I walked to a breakfast burrito place that I'd never been to before, and they gave me a free coffee when I bought my breakfast burrito.

[A]

That's very sweet. What a blessed start to your day.

[B]

Yeah, it was a blessed, smart start to your day.

[C]

Blessed little day.

[B]

And they said, is your car in the shop too? And I said no. And they're like, oh, most people in here's cars at the shop. And I said, oh, interesting.

[A]

Oh, okay. Adol, why do you ask? Are you trying to address the riddle nation here? Are you doing a big speech?

[C]

Not a big speech. I think I was thinking of like. Oh, yeah, did we ever settle on something? Because I feel like, yeah, we've bounced between a few things. I was maybe thinking, who knows if we call them from now on? Hot dogs.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

If that might be fun.

[B]

You know what we should do? We should do. We should do. I'm sorry, what was that one?

[C]

Nevermind. What were you saying?

[B]

We should do an open submission. We should call for an open submission and you can submit this name anyway. You can do it in the discord, you can do it on our Instagram, but give us what name you would like to be called. We'll take like the 10 best options and put up an official poll. Yeah, okay, we'll put up a poll. And. And you know what? We'll make the poll like a Patreon poll, but we'll make it free. We'll make it free for anyone. So you don't have to be a patron member. You can be a free member to do it, but you have to vote on Patreon. And then whatever name of the tin that you choose, that's the name we will abide.

[A]

That's the name we'll eliminate first. And then we'll do a revote.

[B]

And this will go for one year. 100 years. 100 years. We will vote for 100 years.

[C]

Okay, so I typed just to make sure we're not stepping on anyone's toes, I did type in Amish Venom to Google, okay? And it turns out both rattlesnakes and the Amish can't regulate how much poison they pump into you when they bite you.

[A]

Oh. Oh. They can't regulate that, so they can't even just poison you a little bit.

[B]

Erin, my existence means that there is an Amish anti Venom I have not seen. Find him, Eren, and kill him.

[A]

You're not gonna believe this, but I didn't see Venom. So I don't feel as confident doing the noise, but I think I'll throw my hat into the ring. Aaron, jpc, I am this kind of guy. Can you even handle me being in a room? I'm a. I am Venom.

[B]

You said give me a note, see Venom.

[A]

Tell me how to be better with the voice.

[B]

No, that was great. You pretty much did what Tom Hardy did, which is whatever you want and so good.

[A]

I'm a superhero or something. Eren,

[B]

you saying that you didn't see Venom made me think of how confusing this will be to people who have also never seen Venom. They'll be like, what is this?

[A]

Venom was in my periphery. Yeah, it never crossed my desk. But I think I kind of get

[C]

the vibe you're more of a morbius girl.

[A]

It's morbid time. Is that something?

[B]

I think that was more of the meme. I don't know if you ever said it in the movie.

[A]

It was bad, though. And it wasn't the actual company. It's that thing they do with Madame Webb.

[B]

Sony.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Ye is a Sony Spider man. Yep.

[C]

Aaron, are there any comic book characters, either real or from your imagination, that you would like to see a movie of?

[A]

You know, I, during the pandemic, read Mrs. Is it Mrs. Fury?

[B]

What is the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm just Fury's wife. Marvelous Mrs. Something else. I just watched the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, that's my contribution to this.

[C]

Stand up's a power.

[A]

Let me make sure I'm getting. Yeah.

[B]

Stand up's a power.

[A]

Yeah. Ms. Fury, I read the complete works. The Ms. Fury one, which is like film noiri. It was so good. And I was like, oh, this would be such a good TV show.

[C]

I have to check this out. You turned me on to Blacksad. Is that the cat's name? Black Sand Blacksad.

[B]

Who did that? Aaron did that.

[C]

Aaron did. It's a. It's like maybe like a detective cat or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was that.

[A]

I didn't watch the whole thing of that. Hold on, wait, hold on. Ms. Fury's on my. Dynamite Entertainment. I thought it was. Hmm.

[B]

Well, hey, Dynamite Entertainment. That sounds great company. I don't know. I don't know it from Adam, but Dynamite Entertainment.

[A]

But I read Ms. Fury because it was the first. When it came out, it was the first female cartoonist to draw a Marvel character.

[C]

Very cool.

[A]

So it feels very feminine. It's also a little bit gay, if you're into that kind of thing. Or blind or, you know, just if you're into it.

[B]

But he's gay. Blind. I'm sorry.

[C]

He's blind.

[A]

He's blind.

[B]

Aaron is Zorp into comic books at all?

[A]

A little bit. He's more of into fantasy books. And he's read, like, all the fairy smut. So anytime we're with a group of gals, he's like, gals? What are we reading? And then he's able to launch into whatever fairy smut book is happening.

[C]

I'm unaware of fairy smut. Is this, like, heated rivalry, but for fairies?

[B]

Well, heated rivalry is romance, but then there's a subgenre of book called Romantasy, and it's romance, but set in fantasy universe, so. Okay. Yeah, so it's very similar to heated rivalry. Sometimes it starts as fan fiction. Like, there's a very popular one that started as fan fiction between Kylo Ren and Rey, but then just got spun off into its own thing where the characters are, like, stand ins for Kylo Ren and Rey, but they're not, like, named that or whatever.

[A]

Gotcha. As a Tumblr girl, it has been really blowing my mind. What has become of fanfiction now? It is a pipeline, and I think a way that some authors are trying to get discovered is they'll write a really popular fanfiction.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Um, it's crazy. I just.

[B]

It's an. It's an absolute avenue for people, and there is a lot of it. What's the. It's Sarah J. Maas. I see that one all the time. I don't remember what it's called.

[A]

Fourth Wing.

[B]

Fourth Wing. Fourth Wing is out there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like Costco even.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's anywhere they sell books, they're gonna sell 4th Wing because it's like it flies off the shelf.

[C]

Is there an audience or is there a market for Venom Eddie Brock romance where it's like they're fucking?

[B]

I'm sure.

[A]

Let me add it to the list.

[B]

I'm sure if we got on. Erin, what are the fanfic sites? I can't remember what they're called. I'm not versed in this world.

[A]

Well, let's see.

[C]

Why are you winking? Jpc.

[B]

Well, so my wife is. She'd kill me if she heard this. I hope she never does.

[A]

She's a Tumblr girl as well.

[B]

She's a Tumblr girl and she's a fanfic girl. And if I were like, what are the fanfic sites? She'd be like, I've told you a thousand times. And she would know them. But I don't remember what they are. But you could go on the fanfic sites and search for ships between those and I'm sure that there's some Eddie Brock Venom ships that are fully devoted.

[C]

I'm gonna write this down so that maybe we can do a table read of one.

[A]

I mean, Wattpad

[B]

and

[A]

AO3 something.

[B]

Yeah. The only fanfic that I've ever read, and I read a lot of it was the. And I think when we were on the Joko ship, they were doing. And maybe they do it every year as stage screening of it. Oh yeah, it's called My Immortal and it's like a Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy ship fanfic, but it's written by like a 10 year old and it's. I was reading it and laughing and Mariah was like, this is an actual fanfic. You have a bad impression of it now. And I'm like, yes, I do. I absolutely do have a bad impression of it. But I will say I would announce here that as of this recording, which we're recording a little bit in advance to cover Adol's absence. But as of this recording, I'm 18 Jack Reacher's books on the year. I think there's only like 30 something of them. So I think I'm gonna get all the Jack Reacher books done this year. And when I finish all of the Jack Reacher books, I Am going to write a Jack Reacher fanfic.

[C]

Yes, cdc.

[B]

I've decided to do it. I've already got like notes full of ideas. Sometimes I have to cross them off. Cause I'll read a book and I'll be like, wow, he did my idea. He is running out of ideas because he did something that I was like, this could be something Jack Reacher could do.

[C]

Now. This morning you sent the most insane passage from a Jack Reacher book, which is that in the book it claimed that he was the opposite of a hemophiliac. That his blood, that any wounds or cuts heal so quickly as to be abnormally advanced.

[B]

As these books go on, Jack Reacher is ostensibly getting older. So he's gonna be like in his 40s soon. And it's like they just have to keep giving him superpowers to explain why this like 50 year old man is still like busting skulls out there. Which I think is awesome. Yeah. That book also had a gem where they were like, jack Reacher has never had Tylenol. He's never taken acetaminophen.

[A]

I'm like, huh, yeah, that made me die laughing. I've never taken an aspirin.

[B]

I guess maybe that's. I'm.

[A]

Jane Austen might like that, doesn't she? I'm Elizabeth Bennetary. I've got a lot of sisters.

[C]

Pride and Venom. Venom and Prejudice.

[A]

Pride and Venomous gpc. That is genuinely so exciting.

[B]

I love.

[A]

I mean, I'm a huge fan of your. The. What do you call. I'm so sorry my brain's moving so slowly.

[C]

Guided meditation.

[A]

The guided meditation. And anytime you solo write something, it is so unhinged and so funny. And I am deeply looking forward to reading this whenever it comes out.

[B]

That is a good point, Aaron, because I did not even think about it. But I think what I should do. And by the way, I'm not gonna write a novel. I'm gonna write a Jack Reacher short story. But I do think that what I should do eventually after I write it is I should record an audiobook of. Would be very funny if I could get the guy who recorded the Jack Reacher audiobooks to do it. But that man passed away in 2022. Which I learned. But so I will not be. I will not be getting that banned. But I have an email or something. I'll send an email that will be answered in a very curt manner. But I will probably do an audiobook recording of it as well when I'm finally done with this period of my life.

[A]

All right, good news, everybody. Something to stay alive for.

[B]

Hang in there, Kitty. The worst thing you've ever read is only eight months away.

[A]

Good news for me and other people in the trying to find a reason to have any hope in our heart community. Good news.

[B]

I was reading a little bit this morning, and I was trying to find a passage that I had read, because I was going to read it to you guys because it was one of the worst pieces of writing that I've think I've ever read in my entire life, but I can't seem to find it. So, unfortunately, we will just have to do riddles for a while.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[C]

All right, let's do some riddles.

[A]

Well, let's head out.

[C]

But in the voice of venom. My head and my tail are both equal and my middle is as slender as can be. Whether I stand on my head or my heel is quite the same to you or me. What am I?

[A]

Could you read it again? I'm so sorry.

[C]

My head and my tail are both equal and my middle is as slender as can be. Whether I stand on my head or heel is quite the same to you or me.

[A]

The number eight, Aaron.

[C]

It is the number or figure eight.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

I'd like to see a scene.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You guys are two numbers, and I'm going to be a number eight that walks into a bar, and you're like, whoa, that is. Look at shape out of that number.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Seven at six, right? Like the Hell yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[B]

What are you. What are you drinking, man?

[C]

Hell yeah. Let's see. What is. This is an ipa.

[B]

What?

[C]

It's an ipa.

[B]

Dude. Dude, don't. Hey, hey, come on, man.

[C]

What?

[B]

Don't be talking about letters. It's a numbers bar.

[C]

Oh, right. I'm drinking a 12 ounce.

[B]

He'll have a 312.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Thanks. Good looking out.

[B]

Yeah. Good looking out, man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. 6. Don't look now, but. Yo, you see this? You seeing what I'm seeing?

[C]

It's an upright pair of boobs.

[A]

Hi. I'm meeting someone here. Yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, you are, honey, you're gonna be meeting the number of your dreams. That's who you're meeting.

[A]

Sorry.

[C]

Hey, Mama.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Hi. Hi. Sorry. Hello, Mama.

[B]

Hello, Mama.

[A]

Oh, I think you have me confused with someone else.

[B]

Yeah. No, I'm seven. Yeah. This is. This is six.

[A]

Oh, we went to number school together.

[C]

Yes. Yeah. You were a year. You were two years ahead of me and a year ahead of seven.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow, you.

[C]

You really fell out.

[B]

What was that?

[C]

Nothing, mama. Sorry, Mama.

[A]

Well, I'm actually here on a first date with Nine. I'm gonna see him.

[B]

Okay, no, that's fine. Six, six, six, six. Yeah, yeah, you have a shot. You have a shot, man.

[C]

Really? Oh, if I turn. Hold on. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Does a quick head stiff. Thank you.

[B]

Oh, go for it.

[C]

Hey, baby.

[A]

Sorry, I didn't see you come in. When did you get here?

[C]

Nine seconds ago.

[A]

Well, I think that we have a table. Did you want to grab a drink at the bar first? Whatever.

[C]

Yeah, give me.

[B]

Oh, sh.

[C]

Seven. Nine. Just walked in. Distract him, Distract him.

[B]

No worries. No worries.

[A]

I will take a French 75.

[B]

This guy's a six. This guy's a six. Pretending to be someone he's not.

[A]

The guy who just walked in is a six?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow, that's really messed up. Wait, Six was just here a second ago. A seven. He left and came back and pretended to be a nine. Wow.

[B]

Snap. Oh, my God. That guy just snapped his own neck. He was caught in an embarrassing situation and he snapped his own neck.

[A]

Wait, which one? The one that just walked in or the one I'm having a drink with at a bar?

[B]

Snap. Oh, boy. The bartender who called out that the first guy snapped his own neck snapped his neck too.

[A]

Everybody stop, stop, Stop snapping your own neck.

[C]

It's gonna be like a numbers knives out situation.

[A]

I have to be honest. I'm not who I say I am. I'm actually falls over infinity, but no one wants to. Oh, my God. Stop doing this.

[C]

Snap, snap, snap.

[A]

No one wants to go on a date with a woman. That's infinity. I'm too intimidating.

[B]

Hey, baby, why don't you ditch all the sixes and sevens and nines?

[A]

Get out of here. Zero.

[B]

Okay, the line works usually.

[C]

See?

[A]

Wow. The number Cinematic Universe. Should we do letters now, boys?

[B]

What if zero had a venom? I found that. Look, guys, can I beg your indulgence for just a second while I read you maybe one of the worst passage. Worst pieces of writing that I've ever like.

[A]

Please?

[B]

Nothing. This whole passage is just. I need to hit a word count. I'm hitting a word count. McManny's man climbed out of the Cadillac and stood for a second in the nighttime cold. He looked all around. East, west, north, south. And he saw nothing stirring. He closed his door to kill the interior light. He took a step toward the trunk. He had been right. There was a light in the trunk. It was throwing A pale sphere of yellow glow into the mist. Not serious from the front, but a problem from behind. The human eye was very sensitive. He took another step past the rear passenger door. And he raised his left hand, palm flat, somehow already feeling the familiar sensation associated with the action he had performed a thousand times before. His palm on the metal, maybe a foot from the edge of the lid. So that the force of his push would act on both hinges equally. So that the panel would not buckle, so that both calibrated springs would stretch together with soft creaks, whereupon the lid would go down smooth and easy until the upmarket mechanism grabbed at it and sucked it all the way shut. He got as far as putting his palm on the panel. Subconsciously, he leaned into the motion, not really intending to slam the lid. Not at all bad tempered, just seeking a little physical leverage. And his change of position hunched his shoulders a little, which brought his head forward a little, which changed his eyeline a little, which meant he had to look somewhere. And given the choice of the lit interior of a previously closed space or a featureless length of dark blacktop, well, any human eye would opt for the former over the latter. That is describing closing a trunk.

[A]

What the actual fuck?

[B]

I think most authors would say he got up to close the trunk and then he saw something in the trunk, right? I mean, there's just no fucking reason to make me read all of that.

[A]

To say you closed the truck west. 1, 2, 3, 4. That's some Charles Dickens type word count. Getting paid a penny for every word or whatever the fuck.

[B]

He looked north, east, southwest, realized that wasn't a thorough enough job. He went southwest, then northeast, then southeast, then northwest.

[A]

He moved his fingers, which moved his hands and his hands moved his arms and his arms moved his shoulder.

[C]

Wait, Aaron, you're telling me the guy who started a novel with it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, was getting paid by the letter.

[A]

Yeah, pretty sure that's why Oliver Twist is like. He asked for food. He asked for food again. He wanted more food.

[C]

It was as hot as it gets and as cold as it ever was. Dickens. You gotta choose a path, buddy.

[B]

Oh, boy. I love it. I love it. Okay.

[A]

I get to see a scene.

[B]

Well done.

[A]

Okay, Adol. You are Charles Dickens and you are in a fight with your partner, jpc. And you're used to using a lot of words to get out of a situation. So you're kind of like word salading your way out of a relationship conflict.

[B]

It's just I've asked you A million times. If you're going to cook for yourself, you have to clean your own dishes. If you're cooking for everyone, I'm happy to clean, you know, my share, but it's just. These are all your dishes, Charles.

[C]

Zounds, woman. Beseech and bequeath and bequeath. For you knowest not what you canoodle. Yudoof you, you kumquat, you tabernacle.

[B]

Oh, my God. Are you drunk? Are you drunk again?

[C]

Zounds, woman. You're saying I am to be three sheets unto. In the wind a zephyr. Then a zephyr doth hither and thither flight with the papyrus of a bag.

[B]

I'm going to my mother's. I'm going to my mother's. I can't. I can't do it.

[A]

You do.

[C]

Load up your satchel with the ornamental filigree and potential items of depth and width and length into your hitherto. For I should. Your mother. So hot.

[B]

There, there. You always do this. You start talking, you forget what you're talking about. And then you say something that you really mean. That's your mo. Charles, I am leaving. Okay? Don't try to come to my mother's house because I don't know why you would be doing it. Your intentions seem a little confused, Charles.

[A]

Are you here to see my daughter? I heard you guys got into a fight.

[C]

Zounds, woman, for you know not what you do. Perchance purloin your pantaloons, please.

[A]

Get in here, you old so and so.

[B]

See, yes, my mind.

[C]

It was the best of times. It was the fuck of times.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I've been feeling kind of dickin.

[A]

Let's do Marley's Were Dead to begin with.

[C]

I can't think of. I can't hear Marley and not think of the Muppet. The. It's Marley and Marley. Truly the best.

[A]

I thought Jacob Marley was two people because of that movie. And then you go to high school and you read Christmas Carol and it's just one guy. Unbelievable.

[C]

Unbelievable.

[B]

Unfucking believable. And I don't know what we're talking about, but I'm pissed off about it, too. Just like you guys.

[A]

Thank you. This is the kind of support that I need.

[C]

What is plowed but never planted.

[B]

Amish venom. Eren. I've never planted Eren.

[C]

Knee high by the 4th of July.

[B]

Eren.

[A]

Yeah? Is it Amish venom?

[B]

No.

[C]

But I do want to see a scene, I think, just to put wood on the fire of this idea that I'm Very much tickled by. Okay, Aaron, you are back from Rumspringa. You are Amish Venom. JPC is your inner Amish Venom voice. And I can play whatever Amish folks we need.

[B]

So Aaron is an Amish person back from Rumspringer. I'm personal.

[A]

I have a normal voice.

[C]

You're the Aaron Brock.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And so I assume I have a normal voice with context and he has the crazy voice. Fantastic.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Just like the movie Vid of Air that you've never seen. You are just normal Tom Hardy.

[A]

Just like the movie I've never seen. And I. One, two, three. I got it.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

I know you're probably surprised to see me back, but I've returned.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

How did you find it?

[A]

To be honest, it was exciting. I had a really nice time, but I was really drawn back home. I was quite homesick while I was gone.

[C]

So I see you have a bag from Spencer's Gifts.

[A]

Yeah, I decided to bring back a couple things. Yeah. A lot of it's just, like, gag gifts. I now kind of feel stupid now that I'm walking in here and kind of remember the vibe of this place. I feel like Venus pasta.

[C]

I'm sure your mother will be thrilled.

[B]

Ask him if she can cook it immediately.

[A]

Er, can. I'm quite hungry for penis pasta. Could she cook it immediately?

[C]

Oh, I don't know about immediately. It'll take a while for the water to boil over fire, but we can start it soon.

[B]

Rule Fire. Yes. Touch the fire, Aaron.

[A]

Here I go.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[A]

Please, no. I just was wondering bad, if it was still hot.

[C]

Yes, of course fire's still hot.

[B]

What's. Can we eat this man's beard?

[A]

Aaron, give me one second. Give me one second. Venom, what the fuck are you doing? Read the room.

[B]

I. What?

[A]

Read the room.

[B]

Read the room. There are letters in the room, Aaron.

[A]

That's a turn of phrase. Venom, this learned helplessness thing you're doing, don't pretend you don't know.

[B]

I am learning, Aaron. No.

[A]

No, you're not.

[B]

Venom, let's raise a barn.

[A]

No. Venom. Hey, this is a boundary. I'm setting a boundary.

[B]

Is the penis pasta ready, Eren?

[A]

Looks like the water's still boiling. I like venom.

[B]

It's like eating a bunch of penises.

[A]

Venom, you leave my mom alone, okay? When she comes in here.

[C]

Oh, are you hungry?

[A]

Yes. I would love some of this pasta. I've.

[B]

Oh, mama.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Seven, eight, nine. Aaron. If you know what I mean.

[A]

Amish venom, please don't make my mom fall in love with you. Please.

[B]

Looks like my barn's raising.

[A]

Aaron, what is this movie about? Goes to your library, sits down Google's Venom. What is Venom about?

[B]

You should see Venom. It's about an alien symbiote that takes over a reporter and his. It kind of wrecks his life.

[C]

And Aaron, don't get us started on Carnage.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Let there be carnage. Aaron, do you know who plays Carnage?

[A]

No.

[C]

His dad was a professional assassin.

[B]

That's true. The actor's dad was a professional assassin.

[C]

He was also in Cheers.

[B]

Got his start in Cheers. An actor from Cheers. Aaron.

[A]

Ted Danson. Woody Harry.

[C]

Woody Harrelson.

[B]

Woody Harrelson. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I didn't know that.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Huh, huh, huh? Let's go on a break. Or Amish Venom? Or are we doing a riddle?

[C]

Amish Venom. Will you take us to break?

[B]

I'd love to take you to break. Let's break out the Buttichern guy who knows three things about being Amish. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, did you know that May is mental health awareness month? A reminder that whatever you're going through, you do not have to go through it alone. Life is a journey. Some days feel good and others feel overwhelming. Whatever keeps you up at night, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it all out on your own. But the truth is, no one has all the answers. And no journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen and understand and to support you can make all the difference. That's why you should use BetterHelp. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US plus with their therapist match commitment. They do the initial match work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. You just take a short questionnaire. It helps identify your needs and preferences. And then their 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. But if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist at any time. From the tailored RECs Plus. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 stars for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. I love online therapy. It works great for me. I have my bi weekly cadence. It's a really great way to check in on myself and how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Riddle that's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Riddle this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Hey everybody, it's JPC here and I want to tell you about Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website like heyridovertle.com, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Now I know what you're all thinking. Does Squarespace have SEO tools? Yes, they do. You can get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more, so you show up more often on search engines. Plus, Squarespace has videos. They make it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, upload and organize your videos, creating stunning video libraries and even monetize your content by adding a paywall. Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops. So don't walk. Run to squarespace.com riddle for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain.

[A]

Hey guys, I'm playing hide and seek with Adeline jpc and so I'm hiding, so just bear with me. Do you know that Mother's Day is coming up? And let me guess, you're gonna go for the same old same old. You're gonna get your wife or your mom flowers, brunch, a gift card, fluffy robe that you already got her last year. What if you got her an aura frame? If your mom is anything like my mom, she will send you screenshots of photos from six years ago in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Because moms love looking at photos. That's like their number one thing that they love to do. The aura frame has free unlimited storage. You can add as many photos or videos as you want. You can even preload photos before it ships, maybe adding inside jokes, all the photos that she's been screenshotting. And then she'll send you a screenshot of a screenshot of a screenshot of a photo and you can include those on there. You can personalize your gift that can be messages that you can have a gift box. Every Frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag. Just download the free Aura app and text photos straight to the frame. The Aura frame reached number one in the App Store on Christmas Day in 2025. Because moms love the Aura frame named number one on Wirecutter, you can save on the gifts moms love by visiting auraframes.com for a limited time. Listeners could get $25 off their best selling Carver Mat frame with code riddle that's aura a u r a frames.com, promo code riddle r I d D L E Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Oh my gosh. I forgot to whisper. Do you think they're looking for me? It's been like six and a half days but I bet they're really excited to find me. 9991000 Ready or not, here I come. Oh hey everybody. I'm just playing a card quick game of hide and seek with Adel and JPC so you keep an eye out for them while I talk to you about Quints. This past weekend I was out and about with my new Italian suede slouchy midnight blue bag. And I kid you not, several of the most beautiful cool looking women asked me where I got it and I got to go Quints. It's super affordable. I want my everyday items to be classic and timeless and comfortable and easy and affordable. And that's why I shop at Quint's. Quince has all the wardrobe staples for spring. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34. Lightweight, breathable and comfortable. But you're still going to look put together and clean. 100% prima cotton tees with a softness that has to be felt. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you'll find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen so you're getting premium materials without the markup. I love everything I have from Quince. I recently got sandals from them. I'm obsessed with their home stuff. If you're looking for basics like rugs or curtains. Truly just the most timeless, classic, well made items are over there at Quint's so check it out. Still not seeing Adler gpc. Starting to worry that they went to the movies or something? No, they're around. We'll find them. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quints.com riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Quince. Q u I ince.com riddle r I d D L E For free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year. If it's a full year, you can decide if you like it. You're gonna like it. Quints.com Riddle I found you. Oh, no. Sorry. False alarm. Those are just two scarecrows eating dessert waffles. Onward and upward.

[B]

Oh, speaking of, can I say one thing about. I know three things about being Amish. One thing that I definitely know about being Amish is the cheese that the Amish make is the best cheese that I've ever had in my entire life.

[C]

What kind of cheese are we talking?

[B]

I mean, I think it's just like, cheese. They're just making cheese. But they used to sell. When I lived in Indianapolis, there were Amish people that lived like, north of Noblesville, I guess. But they would bring their, like, horses and buggies and whatnot and sell their cheese to, like, markets. And then you could, like, pick up some Amish cheese at the markets. Oh, my God, that stuff was so good. I. I'm not the type of person that I love cheese. I'm not the type of person that will just eat cheese. I like cheese on things. I like cheese in things. But like, I remember being a kid and just like taking a little butter knife and just like slicing off Amish cheese. Just like eating, just eating a block of Amish cheese.

[A]

That sounds so good.

[C]

Amish is a high quality, small batch dairy product known for its creamy texture and rich flavor. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. It's like, I don't know if it's like a certain type, but it's definitely like a white cheese. I'm sure it is a certain type, but the ones that I used to get was always like a white cheese. Very buttery. Oh, so good.

[C]

Dang. Cheese and furniture.

[B]

And not in that order.

[A]

Well, now I want cheese. So what are we gonna do about that as a collective?

[B]

Can you eat cheese? I think yeah. I think Aaron can eat cheese. I'll allow Aaron to eat cheese. I can eat cheese if I take a pill that lets me. My body process the cheese.

[C]

Well, we still have a riddle to be solved. What is plowed but never planted?

[A]

Oh, we were in the middle of a riddle.

[B]

I had an answer for this that I thought of while we were doing it. Is it like a trench? You know, like in World War I when we.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Dug a trench against the Kaiser and his dastardly forces. No, but that makes sense though, right?

[C]

Well, we plowed some trenches, but then we planted soldiers.

[B]

Yeah. And their blood was the water and

[C]

the things they carried.

[B]

And what it sprouted was democracy across the globe in America, fixed every problem

[C]

when your poetry teacher teaches history.

[B]

Okay, so it's plowed but never planted. Is this like a woman on birth control?

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Hey.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[B]

Is it.

[C]

You won the podcast. You won the podcast.

[B]

That can't be the answer. Plowed but never planted.

[C]

Plowed but never planted.

[B]

Hmm. Okay. I've done both of. I've done my real answer and my joke answer, so I'm not really sure what else I should do.

[A]

Is it like something that is earthy and of the earth? Like

[C]

it to some degree it ends up on the earth?

[B]

Is it like a snowplow? Because they don't plant that shit.

[C]

Gbc, is it.

[A]

No.

[C]

What is plowed but never planted?

[A]

Snow.

[B]

Oh, nice. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems like snow is a distant memory, but it was just a few short weeks ago.

[A]

Have you guys done a deep dive on the Karen Reid trial yet?

[B]

Isn't it over?

[A]

Yeah, it's over, but I'm just saying, have you, like, looked into it or watched anything about it? I need. I'm going to explode at some point.

[C]

What's going on?

[A]

No, I just. There's. So. I just want to talk about it all the time. And I know the trial is over, but I just think, you know what? There'll be a great documentary that comes out about it later. We'll all watch it and we'll all talk about it. But I just. I was gonna ask you guys a question if you had gotten into it, but you haven't, which is fine. It's my issue. It's my burden to bear. I'm talking too much. I'm gonna head out.

[C]

I just asked the question. I want to know the question.

[B]

Yeah, what is the question? Was it about snow? Plus, because I know that snow featured a big part in that trial.

[A]

Right? It was a. Yeah, I, they. I, I think originally the people that were responsible for it were going to blame the snowplow driver for killing the guy. And when he. The snowplow driver went by twice, he did not see the body on the side of the road. And then all of a sudden it was there at six in the morning. I have an actual problem. I'm addicted. And I'm actually. I should be banned from talking about it. So we're gonna.

[B]

You're like someone in, like, in like mid January who's like, how about them Yankees? And someone's like, hey, man, like, you gotta wait. You just gotta wait until the season starts.

[A]

I'm like, but how about them Yankees?

[B]

But how about them?

[A]

How about them Yankees?

[B]

I guess they're just resting at home.

[A]

Are they resting at home right now? But they're coming back, right, with the

[C]

bats at the ball.

[A]

The boys are just resting, but they're coming back.

[B]

Erin.

[C]

Her name is Karen Reed.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Okay. I would like to see a scene. JPC and I are a casting agency. And Erin, you have come in to audition for the role of Karen Reid in the Karen Reid movie being made about her trial.

[A]

Great.

[C]

Hi. Come on in.

[A]

Hi,

[C]

Candy. Have a headshot and a resume.

[A]

No and no.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I just saw a sign outside that said you were casting, and I jumped through a glass door to get in here.

[B]

Yes, well, that is acceptable. This is open casting for Boston Trashing. That's kind of what we're doing here. So. Yeah. And just so I'm clear, you are free to use your real accent. You don't have to be professional in this casting room.

[A]

Okay, great. Okay, here we go. Fall river accent. Fall river accent. Fall river accent. I'm ready.

[C]

Okay, just so you know, we basically have already cast Mini Driver, but we legally have to do this and go

[A]

slowly walks out of room, goes to my car, starts the car, drives silently over to Minnie Driver's house.

[C]

Two casting agents following in their car, assuming this is part of the audition behind me.

[A]

I love this.

[C]

So unique.

[B]

We should get Chick Fil A shows

[A]

up, knocks on the door, she's not home, starts to set little fires around her house.

[B]

I was like, oh, man, I hope I don't have to be Mini Driver. I'm like, she's British.

[C]

I was like, oh, boy. What can I. I.

[B]

Guys, I saw. I saw. I don't know what this is, and I saw a video for it because you said Mini Driver. Did you guys know that Mini Driver is in a. I think it's like a. I don't know if it's a movie or like a TV miniseries on Fox called the Faithful Colon. Women of the Bible.

[C]

Hmm.

[A]

What?

[C]

This is on Fox?

[B]

He said, I guess it's a. I mean, yes. It came out, I think in like, late March, but it's a three part event series retelling stories from the book of Genesis through the perspective of female figures. I saw that Minnie Driver was in. I was like, oh, no. Is Mini Driver. She doing okay, what is that?

[C]

Who does she play? Does it say?

[B]

Well, it's Genesis, so let's go over all the people that. I have no idea. It says that she is playing. Recounts the tale of Sarah. Sarah with an I.

[C]

Wait, where's the I go?

[B]

Sarah. It's like Sarai S A R A

[C]

I.

[B]

I went to Catholic school with a girl whose name was Sarah, and she spelled it with a I at the end of it. Sarah with an I. Hey, man, I don't know. It's not my bag, man. It's not my bag. But someone check on minidriver, because that does not seem too good.

[A]

What is this show? I'm looking at it. I'm like, what the.

[B]

I don't know. Can I be honest with you guys? The only reason that I know about it is because I clicked on a TMZ link to see a Jack Reacher, the guy who plays Jack Reacher's body cam. And I was given an ad for that before I watched it. And I was like, I almost was not worth watching whatever the DMT thing was, just because I was like, what am I doing here? I'm getting the wrong shit advertised.

[C]

To me, there is something to. I mean, if you think about someone like Minnie Driver, and I'm sure this is the case with thousands of actors, where you're like, oh, she must be doing so well. She was in Good Will Hunting. And then you're like, good will hunting was 23 years ago or something, however long it was, maybe more. And then you're like, oh. I mean, I guess it's not a lot of money that stretches.

[B]

I think I've said this before on the show, but one of my favorite games is seeing a. Watching a movie and seeing a character actor and being like, whoa, where do I know that person from? And then going onto their IMDb and then scrolling down for their, like, 180 credits. And it's always like one episode of Bones, one episode of CSI Miami, and you're just going down the list. And then all of a sudden, you hit the jackpot. When you see 244 episodes of a USA show that you've never heard of before, you're like, yay, they're fine. Oh, God, they're fine. Oh, my God. I didn't know how they could build a career, but they're fine. They did 244 episodes.

[A]

Oh, they have a wife and a house.

[C]

Oh, happy day.

[B]

Oh, they were on Royal Pains. Thank God they did.

[A]

Royal Pa. Who is the Royal Pains is the funniest.

[C]

There's a woman who was in some Bret Easton Ellis adaptation, I forget which one. Maybe with Paul Rudd, but she was in that. And then she was one of the leads in A Knight's Tale. She was like, maybe the Princess or whatever.

[B]

Oh, yes, yes.

[C]

And then I don't think I ever saw her again in my natural life.

[B]

Well, yeah, I think she was in a Josh Hartnett movie as well. I'm struggling to recall what that person's name is or what.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

And it also, you know, sometimes it's possible that someone, like, acted for a while, then was like, I don't want to act anymore. And I'm like, fair. That's great, Dude.

[C]

Yeah, totally fair.

[B]

Probably not what happens most of the time, but.

[C]

Leela Sabowski, Lilo.

[B]

Lilo Sebowski, Lilo Stitchbowski.

[C]

I believe it's the Big Lebowski with Lilo and Stitch. Shut the fuck up, Stitch. Big line.

[B]

Yeah, shut the fuck up, Stitch. I love Lilo's. Stitch Bowser.

[C]

Lilo. Stitch, fight those nine.

[A]

I'm trying to think of another line

[B]

from it where your friend Amy Mann was standing right next to them.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Toe cut off and everything.

[B]

Toe cut off and everything. While Aaron tries to track down whatever happened to Lilo Stichbowski. Adol. Do we have another riddle that we can read?

[C]

I can make oil boil.

[B]

So what? B, try to be impressive.

[C]

I thought it was a pretty good one. I can make oil boil. What am I? It's the letter B. Put a B in front of. I do want to see a scene.

[B]

What am I, Guy with a ruined stove?

[C]

I'd like to see a scene. The two of you are like medieval torturists. Like, you are people who torture people.

[A]

Okay, great.

[C]

We'll say that. Jbc, you are sort of the lead torturer. And, Aaron, you are new to the job. This is your first day, and you're a little grossed out by some of the stuff that you're being asked to do.

[A]

Excited to get started?

[B]

Yeah, me too. Hey, I just gotta say, I read your paper, your dissertation about toenails, and I. You liked it? I loved it. It's. It's a little theoretical, but, I mean, some of the stuff in there is, you know, pretty wild stuff.

[A]

To be quite honest, I've never gotten my hands dirty with torture, but I studied it. I did eight years schooling, and I think I'm ready to go.

[B]

Well, you know, there's nothing like on the job experience, so this is the first guy.

[A]

How do you do?

[B]

Picks Up a clipboard on the edge of his bed. Okay, so it says here this guy did nothing, which is fine.

[A]

Is that pretty par for the course?

[B]

Yeah, pretty par for the course. King probably just upset about something or the other. But we don't need information out of this guy, so it's perfect. We're just gonna torture him. It's just straight torture. No objective. Just like it's free play. We're in a sandbox right now. Like, anything goes.

[A]

Wonderful. Wonderful. So I'll be all right. One, two. Oh, so gross.

[B]

Oh, interesting method. So you started by throwing up on him. Now, that's. Okay, so it's like more like a psychological cause that can't hurt, obviously, but.

[A]

Right. No, I just thought about causing pain, and then I also thought about how gross it is to rip someone's toenails off.

[B]

Okay. Oh, interesting. So that was more of a physical reaction. I thought you were actually going for something with that now. Yeah, he threw up on him again. Okay. I'll kill this guy. Oh, no.

[A]

I got it. I got. I got it. I'm trying. I'm trying.

[B]

No, no, it's okay. Yeah.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

He's dead. You don't have to worry about it. You don't have to worry about it. Don't. Yeah. Did you have a big breakfast before this? That's you. Definitely. It looks like you had, like, a bunch of sausage.

[A]

Is there, like, torture research where I could maybe work in a lab or something and not have it to be.

[B]

This is the lab. That's the best part about our job. It's like the practical and the theoretical kind of blending and, you know, in one thing.

[A]

My parents are gonna kill me. I don't wanna use my degree. They just spend so much money.

[C]

Thank you for coming to me, the local therapist. If you just lay down on this bale of hay here, I'm gonna say some words, and I want you to tell me the first word that comes to your fink. Do you think your. You know, your fink thing. What's it called?

[B]

The.

[A]

The.

[C]

The worms in your head?

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Okay, first word. Blood. Okay, let's spell that. H, U, A H, H. All right. Knife. Same as before, but maybe a few more ohs. How about stab? I gotta be in there somewhere. All right. Love.

[A]

Penis.

[B]

See that? He's a torturer. But he's gay. Blind.

[A]

Sorry. He's blind. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[C]

Hey. Bye. All right, here's another riddle, okay? Mr. Smith eats two eggs every day. He never buys any eggs. Nobody gives them to him. He doesn't steal them from anyone. And he doesn't have chickens. Where does he get his eggs from?

[B]

His uterus. Wow. Take that gender.

[C]

Mr. Smith eats two eggs every day. He never buys any eggs. Nobody gives them to him. He doesn't steal them from anyone and he doesn't have chickens. Where does he get his eggs from?

[A]

He works at the chocolate egg factory.

[B]

He works at the chocolate egg.

[A]

Stop. Aaron, you don't know.

[B]

And that wasn't Aaron. That was me. I said that I am Spartacus.

[C]

Wait, you're Spartacus or you're Aaron?

[B]

Tell him you're Aaron, stupid.

[A]

Hold on, let me think.

[B]

Yeah, okay. It says he eats chicken.

[A]

Bunny. Eat your bunny.

[B]

Thank you, Mr. P. Not terrible. Does he eat. Does he eat like something else that have eggs in it? Like, does he. Does he eat like, not necessarily like an animal, but like he. Does he have a cake or something like that that's like made with eggs or bread or something like that?

[C]

No, it's two eggs.

[B]

It's just two eggs.

[C]

Let's just say for simplicity's sake, it's an omelette. There's a two egg omelet every day.

[B]

Oh, is. Is he me who is stuck in this like infinite diner loop where he keeps going to diners every day and having. Ordering an omelet.

[C]

Love a diner. We went to that cozy corner. Oh yeah, those cheesy grits. Oh, unfucking believable.

[B]

Love those cheesy grits.

[C]

Just so tasty.

[B]

So fucking good. Oh, I love a diner. God, I gotta. I'm gonna. I'm actually gonna. I'm gonna take off.

[C]

He goes, the Gemini told you about. It's like North 40. Oh yeah, camera, what it's called.

[B]

I keep going back to the diner that I like. I tried new diners every once in a while, but every time I do, I'm like, I like another place better.

[C]

I feel like top of our list.

[A]

I don't know confounded by this. Can we get a hint?

[B]

Does he just go to a restaurant and order an omelet every day?

[A]

No one gives it to him.

[C]

Yeah, he eats two eggs every day. He never buys eggs. Nobody gives him eggs. He doesn't steal them from anyone anytime.

[A]

Is he like an animal that eats it

[B]

out of the trash or like a cook? Like he eats the leftover eggs because they don't pay him enough. And why don't they pay him in shambles?

[C]

Because he's an animal. Aaron. What kind of animal would you name, Mr. Smith? That's a good name for something.

[A]

A really small fish. Like a scared looking fish. A man. A man is an animal.

[B]

A man is an animal.

[C]

Man is an animal.

[B]

They often act like that.

[C]

Panama Canal.

[A]

A giraffe is funny.

[B]

Mr. Smith. Yeah. Give him a little tiny hat.

[A]

Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith.

[B]

Me.

[C]

Your hint is that do you think

[A]

giraffes like to be hugged?

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh, Aaron,

[B]

better question. Do you think they like to be licked? Because they like to lick.

[A]

Probably not.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Probably not by humans, I guess.

[B]

What if a human had a big giraffe tongue like a prosthetic?

[A]

Then I think they would try anything once.

[C]

Giraffes, famously. Elephants never forget. And giraffes will try anything once.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Your hint is that. Keep thinking along the lines of animals. Not Mr. Smith being an animal. Although he is a man.

[A]

It's not chicken eggs.

[C]

Ding, ding. So it's not chicken, it's fish eggs.

[B]

Caviar.

[A]

Caviar.

[B]

He takes a bump of caviar every day.

[C]

Snort caviar.

[B]

Oh, Aaron, that's good. Caviar.

[C]

Wall street venom. We'll take fish.

[A]

That makes the most sense of anything we've created so far.

[B]

Yeah. So wait, it is fish eggs.

[C]

Well, the answer here is he has ducks, but I think fish is just as good.

[A]

Oh, so just a different type of egg. I see.

[C]

Just a different type of egg. I also would have taken duckbill platypus.

[B]

Wait, the answer is that he makes a duck egg omelet and that's the answer?

[C]

Yeah. So he never buys eggs. Nobody gives them to him. He doesn't own.

[B]

He doesn't own chickens.

[C]

And then they say he doesn't have chickens. So we're meant to believe, like, you know, but it's just people.

[B]

Do people have ducks so they can collect duck eggs? Cause duck eggs are small, right? That's duck eggs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know ducks could be had.

[B]

Duck ticks are big, right? Yeah. I didn't know ducks could be had. I have a neighbor that has ducks, Erin.

[A]

Oh, that's cool. Do they name them and everything?

[B]

They're like, yeah, they have like pet ducks. But one of them got gotten by the raccoons. The raccoons took them.

[A]

Oh, the raccoons ate a duck. The raccoons ate a duck. What are you talking about?

[B]

I don't.

[A]

You cannot put that at an animal parade to soften the blow. Raccoons eat ducks.

[B]

Hey, look, all I know is that the raccoon got the duck. I don't know what that means. I Don't know if it was eaten. But the duck is no more.

[C]

The boy got the girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The raccoon got the duck. They're dating.

[B]

What?

[A]

I googled it. They're opportunistic omnivores.

[C]

Yeah, that makes sense though, because they're always. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, they're always plotting. Yeah. They got the duck.

[A]

They'll kill adult ducks that eat their eggs.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There's a. We have an abandoned house in my neighborhood which is. It's just like owned by some people in Florida. And like, there's like broken in windows and the raccoons just basically. There's basically like a raccoon hideout in my neighborhood that is just an empty house that is only for raccoons. It's. Yeah, it's an absolute disaster. But what can you do? What can you do?

[A]

I think that over the next couple years, the raccoons, like, you're going to see them pull up in a car, you're gonna see them walk one of their kids to the bus. Like they're gonna slowly integrate into the game.

[B]

I don't wanna be a dick, but my kid is going to school with a raccoon. And I guess we should all. We all pay property taxes. We should all be able to access the schools.

[C]

But it just seems to see a scene.

[A]

They do a polite nod.

[C]

I like to see a scene. The two of you are raccoons in a st.

[A]

Do you think that we should like, I don't know, like candy on Halloween? Come on.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, I wasn't gonna ask you to.

[B]

I just had a long day, you know?

[A]

Are you attracted to me anymore?

[C]

No.

[B]

No. You're like as far as raccoons go.

[A]

You're as far as raccoons go. Is there someone else?

[B]

Look, I mean, you wanted to live here, okay? It's not a raccoon neighborhood, okay?

[A]

There's someone else. There's someone else. That's not a raccoon.

[B]

It's not a raccoon. It's not another raccoon. Is that what you want to hear? Tiffany? It's not another raccoon.

[A]

Okay. Wow. I was gonna say, should we hand out candy?

[B]

Halloween this year, it's just you work all day and I'm here, you know, taking care of things.

[A]

I collect eggs. Duck. I killed ducks for us here doesn't even matter.

[B]

And Ms. Milton, she's across the street, you know, and it's like, what am I gonna do, not say hi in the morning when I see her?

[A]

Sure. Okay. Wow.

[B]

And she has a leaky. Pipe. And she can't get under there, but I can. So it's like, what am I gonna do? I'm a neighbor. I'm not gonna help her out.

[A]

Right. And so she has a husband that she's presumably cheating. That's fine. This is fine. That's good.

[B]

Okay. Okay. You know, you said when we met that you wanted to keep an open mind. How am I a raccoon? Okay, I'm translating. Because obviously we integrated and we learned English, obviously, because of. But you wanted this. I wanted to live in a fucking tree.

[A]

I wanted to be a career woman. And here I am supporting a loser. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going back. I'm going back. I'm gonna go live in the loop.

[B]

You're telling me when you were on that business trip to Milwaukee with your boss Dan, nothing happened?

[A]

Dan's nice. Dan's funny. He makes me laugh.

[B]

Dan's got raccoon hands. I. I've seen him. He's got tiny little raccoon hands. And I know exactly.

[A]

Cause he's a raccoon.

[B]

Oh, you wish.

[C]

See?

[A]

You wish. You wish.

[C]

Casey, can we please hear a voicemail now?

[B]

805. Riddle 1. Your time is up. And the riddles are done. You know what that means? Yes, it means I'm free.

[A]

I'm dying.

[B]

Follow through the letter, your itinerary. You answer questions from your listeners about the show or about anything. Like, what would you eat with a loaf of bread? Yes. 805-743-3531. My name is Jean Patrick Cohen and I'm Adol.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Incredible.

[A]

Getting the phone number.

[C]

I want a full musical.

[B]

That was Tom Lum. Tom, you have. I think Tom has admitted before, but that is their take on Russell Crowe and Les Mis. So thank you so much for sending that in. You know, if you want to send one in hrpodcastmail.com keep it 30 seconds or less.

[A]

Hi, Clue crew. I've been listening to your show since my undergrad years. I've now worked for a few years. I'm halfway through my master's degree in counseling. I'm also eight months pregnant. And since I work from home and do school from home, I realized that my baby probably knows all three of your voices because I listen to your podcast out loud. So that's a mistake on my part. But I was wondering, do you guys have any first time parenting advice? Thanks, guys. Baby, if you can hear us,

[C]

Should we all sing? What are you singing? Three Men and Little Baby. Good Night, sweetheart. Yeah, where they sing the baby Good

[A]

night, sweetheart, Sweetheart, it's time to go. Good night, sweetheart, sweetheart. Yeah, it's time to go. Wait, Mini driver's outside.

[B]

I always get three men. Three men and a baby. Yes, three men and a baby confused with looking.

[C]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Three men and a baby is better.

[B]

Yes. Three men and a baby I do believe is better.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

But look who's talking to has a talking toilet.

[A]

Never mind.

[B]

Okay, so this is parenting advice for a first time parent parenting advice. Ah, man, I don't know. There's just, it's a wild ride. You just kind of, you gotta have to hold on. I would say they're don't do what you remember your parents doing. It's pretty good odds that your parents were just winging it as well. I would do just some research. What I did that I was very grateful for is I read a bunch of parenting books in that year while Mariah was pregnant. We were welcoming or getting ready, but it's something you can absolutely do as a parent as well. But I would say, yeah, engage yourself with a bunch of different perspectives. See what like, you know, the new research in the field is saying. Like, I remember as a kid I did time out. Now they're saying like timeout, not necessarily a good strategy for kids. So it's like you familiarize yourself with what like current research says. And if you feel yourself just like replicating a pattern from your past behavior, maybe examine that a little bit and be like, huh, I wonder if is this thing that I'm doing something that I remember my parents doing or is it something that is like recommended by, you know, people who have done research in this field type of thing.

[C]

That's great.

[A]

That makes sense.

[C]

I would say stockpile a month worth of your work leading up to it.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[C]

As I am wanting to do, as

[B]

we are all benefiting from right now currently.

[C]

Thank you so much for the voicemail and best of luck to you.

[B]

Yes, and congratulations.

[C]

Congratulations.

[A]

And let us know how that baby turns out, sort of like personality wise and how much damage we did as a three to their nervous system.

[B]

Set a reminder on your phone, reach back out in about 18 years and just kind of let us know how it all worked out. We would love to know. We would love to know how it all worked out.

[A]

Yes, please.

[C]

I wonder if the baby's gonna have a venom.

[A]

Oh, maybe.

[B]

Well, at this point probably we might all have venoms.

[C]

Aaron, Anything to plug or promote.

[A]

Check out gumshoes and dragons. We're having a lot of fun over there and that's where you'll find me. If you need anything at all, anything

[C]

to plug, check out hello from the Magic Tavern, which is wrapping up or has just wrapped up the current season. And check out the Word association podcast, jpc. Anything to plug or promote.

[B]

No, I think that's it for me. I mean, definitely check out Gumshoes and Dragons. If you have been on the fence about starting it, there's 20 episodes now so you can binge a ton of those episodes and they're all very fun, they're all very different and there is a little bit of a narrative in there. So just enough that if you care about narrative, you can listen to that. And so little that if you don't care about narrative, you don't have to worry about that. But yeah, you can find that anywhere that you find podcasts and it's a very fun show. Hey, Aaron, speaking of fun shows, you are going to go to a little bit of a show later today, right? I believe it's like a. I don't know. You described it as some sort of eating show.

[A]

Hot dogs. Hot dogs.

[B]

Starring Aaron Keenan and John Patrick Cullen. Casey Toney did the editing and Marty parented the music logo created by Emily Cardamus and Emily Naporus. Hey there. Focused in groups. If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon. It's a focus group for a brand new TV show. You can listen to that plus our entire back [e-mail] heyridlevirtel by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your 7 day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month. Plus you get those ad free episodes. See you there.

[A]

That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan.

[B]

And we host the podcast that was

[C]

Us now on Head Gum.

[A]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

We're gonna go episode by episode, gonna

[A]

pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[B]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot. A whole lot.

[C]

That's what I'm hoping, man.

[B]

Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app.

[C]

Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify.

[B]

New episodes every Tuesday.